Skeletons In A Tin Coffin
Now Playing: R.O.T.O.R.
Damn you all to Hell, R.O.T.O.R. Do not be fooled by the kickass VHS cover art of an awesome-looking robot holding a gun and straddling a burned-out motorcycle. R.O.T.O.R. is as inept a movie as they come, but without the riotous laughs of SAMURAI COP or THE STABILIZER.

I don't even know where to start describing the stupidity of R.O.T.O.R., which was directed by someone named Cullen Blaine in and around Dallas, Texas in the late 1980's. Basically it's about an idiot named Barrett Coldyron (pronounced Cold-Iron) who works for the Dallas Police Department designing the Cop Of The Future, a robot policeman. It's still a long ways away from being ready for the streets--at least five years--but Coldyron's corrupt boss calls one morning and says, nope, we need it in two months. Coldyron says it can't be done and quits, leaving the project in the hands of his nerdy assistant and a comic-relief robot (think Johnny 5 with a policeman's hat).

Meanwhile, a gay-looking Indian (hey, he admits it) janitor strikes out while hitting on a Valley girl scientist, and accidentally sticks his switchblade comb into an electrical current. Somehow, this revives R.O.T.O.R., which stands for:
ROBOTIC
OFFICER
TACTICAL
OPERATION
RESEARCH

It also makes R.O.T.O.R., which looks like a redneck cop with a Chuck Norris mustache, erratic. He escapes, steals a motorcycle, and pulls over a speeding car driving by a dumbass and his cute fiance while they're having a fight about something stupid. R.O.T.O.R. believes his assignment is to exterminate criminals, so he shoots the guy in the head. The woman, Sonya, escapes and drives all night looking for help.

She eventually crosses paths with Coldyron in at a truck stop around 5 A.M. His plan: for Sonya to drive around with a crazy, indestructible killer robot on her tail for eleven hours, while he summons a karate-kicking, butch-looking female scientist with a skunky mullet from Houston. She flies in, Coldyron picks her up, takes her on a leisurely drive to her hotel, where she checks in and changes clothes. Remember that Sonya is still driving around the city being chased by R.O.T.O.R.

Finally, all three humans trap the robot near a fishing lake. Even though Coldyron left his truck a mile away to walk through the woods to the lake, it somehow magically appears just when he needs some equipment from it, namely primer cord, which we saw him blasting stumps with during the interminable opening reel. While the female scientist, Dr. Steel, tries beating the crap out of the robot (unsuccessfully), Coldyron tries to make it walk into a simplistic noose trap so he can blow it up real good.

I hope I haven't made R.O.T.O.R. sound fun or interesting, because it ain't. Coldyron, a grouchy sort in blue jeans and a bushy mustache, is a pretentious sort who never speaks one word when 100 flowery ones will do. The performances are terrible across the board, and many of the major stars are dubbed by actors from Adam Rourke's acting school. Obviously, plot and continuity are for shit. Except for a weird stop-motion robot skeleton briefly seen during a dull exposition boardroom scene, there are few special effects. Action is practically non-existant, although a dopey barroom brawl between R.O.T.O.R. and three ignorant rednecks is amusing in its incompetence.

I killed some time while folding my whites to watch another episode of DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDERCOVER (am I the only one to notice that the show changed its title mid-run from DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDER COVER?). It isn't of much interest, except that it guest-starred Heather Thomas as a teenage girl victimized by a killer pimp. Heather later co-starred with Lee Majors on THE FALL GUY and posed for posters that adorned the bedroom walls of nearly every boy of the 1980's. The series wasn't shy about using her stunning body either, since she waltzed through the opening title sequence every week in a pink bikini that left little to the imagination.