Van Dammage
Now Playing: IN HELL
I just found out Jean-Claude Van Damme's new film, WAKE OF DEATH, was released straight to DVD last month. Tonight I watched his previous film, 2003's IN HELL, a brutal, dark prison picture filmed in Bulgaria. J-C is a Louisiana man (as always, to explain his accent) working in Russia who is imprisoned for killing the man who raped and murdered his wife. As with all movie prisons, there's no hope for these inmates, as they are beaten, abused and tortured by the guards, who are just barely more moral than the inmates, who pay the guards to let them rape the weaker prisoners. Van Damme's performance is better than usual, as he is forced to transform from a good, ordinary man into a brutal animal in order to survive. He eventually realizes he hates what he has become, and through great sacrifice, fights to transform back into the man he was. IN HELL is pretty heavy, but good for a Van Damme flick and filled with rough violence that earns its R rating.

Time to begin my countdown of the year's best in film, starting with the Top Ten DVD Releases of 2004. Drum roll, please... (oh, you know you're excited...)

The Top Ten DVDs of 2004 (Alphabetically, except one)

ALIEN (COLLECTOR'S EDITION)--It's a great film, of course, but Fox's DVD includes both the original and a new Director's Cut (it isn't), as well as tons of extras--documentaries, trailers and more. If I had seen Fox's ALIENS, it might have made this list instead.

THE CHINA SYNDROME--I have always loved this taut thriller with its always-prescient storyline and fine cast of stars and character actors. The DVD includes a pair of interesting featurettes on the film's origin and history, as well as three never-before-seen deleted scenes.

COLUMBO: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--Damn Universal for presenting this with no extras, but it does include the two COLUMBO made-for-TV movies that preceded the actual series. TV mysteries have rarely been better-written or -performed than these shows, which include a brilliant 1971 episode directed by Steven Spielberg and penned by Steven Bochco.

EUROTRIP (UNRATED VERSION)--This movie makes me laugh. A lot. Unabashedly reckless in its pursuit of laughs and presented on a first-class DVD that contains an audio commentary where the directors get drunk, a menu that points directly to the nude scenes, the full version of the catchy "Scotty Doesn't Know" tune, and more fun extras.

HAVE GUN-WILL TRAVEL: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--CBS releases 39 episodes of one of TV's best westerns in an attractive package. Richard Boone owns the screen as erudite gunfighter Paladin in these half-hour morality plays that featured interesting guest stars like Charles Bronson and Jack Lord. With surprisingly high production values and scripts that emphasized the consequences of violence, HAVE GUN still wouldn't have worked without Boone's dedication, intensity, intelligence and warmth.

JONNY QUEST: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--Best. Cartoon. Ever. Thank you, Hanna-Barbera, for presenting the original 26 episodes with remastered video and sound, just so I can crank my speakers during Hoyt Curtin's blistering theme. The few extras are interesting but non-essential; it's just good to have these exciting pulp adventures available in one convenient package.

JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG--I love a good courtroom thriller, and the stakes don't get any higher than in this epic drama about the Nuremberg war trials. Great script by Abby Mann and a cast that includes Burt Lancaster, Spencer Tracy, Maximilian Schell, Judy Garland, Montgomery Clift, Marlene Dietrich...and William Shatner! The extras are nice, and it has a 5.1 remix if you think the film needs it.

THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND--Sam Peckinpah's final film is no great shakes, but I love what Anchor Bay has done with it, including its striking cover art. The commentary by four Peckinpah experts is informative, the over-an-hour-long making-of docu is fascinating, and Anchor Bay even presents Peckinpah's long-lost "director's cut" that was reassembled by the producers before release. The film itself does have its moments, including a masterfully edited action scene in a swimming pool and a wonderfully sardonic early performance by Craig T. Nelson.

SLEDGE HAMMER!: SEASON ONE--Who ever guessed this forgotten `80s series would be released, much less in a deluxe package crammed with extras? Reminiscent of POLICE SQUAD! and GET SMART, SLEDGE HAMMER! offered scripts that remain to this day ahead of their time, presenting a blockheaded fascist as the hero and steering him through a series of catchphrase parodies, sight gags and topical references that forced the audience to pay attention to what they were watching. If you're like me and bored with the coffeehouse shenanigans that pass for TV situation comedy today, give SLEDGE HAMMER! a spin. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

And The Best DVD Release of 2004

FREAKS & GEEKS: THE COMPLETE SERIES--One of television's all-time best series in Shout! Factory's comprehensive package that includes audio commentaries, deleted scenes, 5.1 mixes and outtakes for every episode. The love that Shout! Factory feels for the series is duplicated by those who have watched it and those who worked on it, demonstrated in that every cast member, most major writers, directors and crew members, guest stars, even fans, parents and network execs have reunited to wax nostalgic on this 17-episode classic. Each episode had the capacity to be blisteringly funny or monumentally heartbreaking, and was often both at the same time. No other series has taken such a realistic approach to high-school life, cataloging the awkwardness, the joy, the camaraderie, the joie de vivre and the fear of growing up.

...And the Value of a Single Human Being
Now Playing: JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG
This is a powerful film. Not one I could stand to watch over and over, but perfect for a dark afternoon. It's not a depressing film, but it's certainly a heavy one. And why shouldn't it be, since it examines Nazism, its tragic effects on its victims, and the culpability, not just of those evil men who were active participants in the Third Reich, but of otherwise kind, moral, thoughtful men and women who let it happen.

Swiss-born actor Maximilian Schell and screenwriter Abby Mann won Oscars for JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG, a stunning courtroom drama that portrays the Nuremberg war crimes trial of four German judges (one of whom is portrayed by Burt Lancaster) who sentenced enemies of Hitler to sterilization, concentration camps and execution. The argument presented by German defense attorney Hans Rolfe (Schell) is that they were doing their duty as patriots by following the letter of the law, and if these men are to be found guilty, shouldn't others, such as Winston Churchill and American industrialists who supported and even contributed to Hitler's early rise to power, also be considered culpable? Leading the three-jurist tribunal is Judge Dan Heywood (Spencer Tracy), a New Englander and Everyman who, like most Americans in the aftermath of the Third Reich, seeks to understand how the German people, such as the attractive widow Bertholt (Marlene Dietrich), who in his experience are kind and intelligent, could have gone along with the Nazi party's atrocities. Under intense questioning by dogmatic Army prosecutor Tad Lawson (Richard Widmark), witnesses include a baker's assistant (Montgomery Clift) who was ordered sterilized because of his alleged feeblemindedness and a woman (Judy Garland) accused of having sexual relations with an elderly Jewish man, who was executed for it.

JUDGMENT received ten Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture and acting nods for Tracy, Clift and Garland. It's an extraordinary if overlong drama (running close to 190 minutes), although director Stanley Kramer nicely uses Ernest Laszlo's Oscar-nominated camera to swirl around, track across or zoom in on his cast, which adds some movement to a film whose strength is its dialogue and casting. Mann's musings on patriotism and the complications of war had previously been seen in a 90-minute live presentation on TV's PLAYHOUSE 90 (which also starred Schell and was directed by George Roy Hill), but the film's extra length allows him and Kramer to spend more time looking into the horrors of the Nazi regime and the moral questions that surround those who participated, no matter their justification. For instance, Lancaster's character is portrayed as a thoughtful, decent man whom many Germans feel shouldn't be prosecuted at all. It's too bad the PLAYHOUSE 90 telecast couldn't have been included as an extra on MGM's DVD (matter of fact, it's too bad no live telecasts--some of which have survived as kinescopes--from the Golden Age of Television are readily available for viewing), but that's a small quibble with a film that resonates like this.

You'll also easily spot a young acclaimed stage and TV actor named William Shatner playing Tracy's aide; it's a shame Shatner wasn't asked to participate in the DVD's extras, since I have never read or seen an interview with him where this film was mentioned. Imagine the thrill of a young actor stepping onto the same soundstage and trading dialogue with legends like Tracy, Garland, Clift, Lancaster...there must be some stories there. It's also to Abby Mann's credit that many of NUREMBERG's smaller roles, including Shatner's, are given extra dimension, adding an extra human element to the production.

This will certainly make my Top Ten DVDs of 2004 list. Keep checking this space to learn my picks for the Best and Worst Films of the Year, as well as the Best in DVD, probably beginning this week. How many did you see?

OK, I'll Fight It, But I'll Let It Live
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Happy birthday to little Grace Dowell, who's a whole 1 year old today. Went to Tolono this afternoon to eat some cake and ice cream with the Dowells. Chris and Sara are in town until Monday, and I always love when they're around. My trip to their wedding in Los Angeles last summer was the best vacation I've had in a long time.

Just got back from seeing THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU with Grady and Stiner. I think I'll be thinking about this one for awhile. Yes, I did like it, but, no, I'm not sure I can recommend it to anyone. I've only seen one other Wes Anderson film, RUSHMORE, which I didn't like very much. THE LIFE AQUATIC is better, although it took me 20 minutes or so before I was able to settle into its groove. It's a very eccentric, whimsical film, brilliantly anchored by Bill Murray as Zissou, an undersea explorer broadly based on the late Jacques Cousteau. Murray's performance is essential, since Anderson's vision falls so squarely into a fantasy world that's still too close to ours for comfort's sake, we need Murray to keep our head in the game. He's in nearly every scene, and is funny, touching, energetic...I think he's better here than in his Oscar-nominated turn in LOST IN TRANSLATION. Willem Dafoe is also extremely good in this film, as is Jeff Goldblum. Mark Mothersbaugh's score is wonderfully witty, and the production design, which cribs from Jerry Lewis, of all people, is a childlike display of bright colors and dollhouse construction. Throw in Filipino pirates, a three-legged dog, a resort hotel destroyed by a monsoon, an underground sea laboratory, Jeff Goldblum in a '70s Dr. Pepper T-shirt, stop motion animation by Henry Selick (THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS) and a mythical "jaguar shark" that chomps on Seymour Cassel, and you have 2004's oddest studio film.

I'm not sure yet whether THE LIFE AQUATIC will make my Top Ten of 2004 list yet; I still have to ponder it a bit. My initial feeling is that it's too inconsistent to push anything off my preliminary list, but we'll see. It'll definitely go down as an honorable mention, to say the least. Look for my Top Ten Films and DVDs lists to hit this space soon.

Feeling a little bit better today, thank you. I watched more episodes of SECRET AGENT this afternoon, and delighted in seeing British character actor Howard Marion-Crawford pop up as the heavy in back-to-back episodes, but as different characters. You'd likely not see that in today's continuity-heavy TV series, but, back then, producers hired the best actors for their guest roles, whether they had already done the show or not. I think LAW & ORDER is the only current series that regularly recycles actors in various guest parts.

So where are all the really good prints of LONE WOLF MCQUADE? Watching my MGM DVD the other night, I noticed instances of grain, particularly in Barbara Carrera's brown hair. Hoping the problem wasn't my new cheapass Cyberhome, I tested the disc on my computer, and the grain was still there. I also happened to catch the film on cable this afternoon, and, yep, still there in the TV print. DVD File gave MCQUADE's video quality a rave review, but I don't know what disc they were looking at, 'cause it certainly wasn't mine.

Speaking of Chuck Norris, I kicked off 2005 with some prime Chuck: DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION. One of Cannon's last features, DELTA FORCE 2 is an effective B-level shoot-'em-up with big explosions, a decent body count, a wide range of acting styles (from Norris' somnabulism to Billy Drago's slimy Method style to John Ryan's scenery-gumming) and plenty of kicking. Chuck was no longer box-office gold by this point in his career though, and would be on prime-time television just a couple of years later as Walker, Texas Ranger.

On the DVD recorder front, I'm leaning towards a Toshiba. An Internet acquaintance of mine recently picked one up, so recently that he's still going through the manual learning how to use the damn thing. I'll check back with him in a couple of days, and if he's satisfied with it, I might lean in that direction. It has all the features I'm looking for, and I really like the price. Anyone else with recommendations?

Another Year Over and A New One Just Begun
Mood:  celebratory
Happy New Year, everybody! I hope you all had a good time--and a safe one--on New Year's Eve. I ended up staying in this year, unfortunately. I don't know whether I caught some kind of bug or I just haven't been sleeping enough lately, but I felt positively yucky today. I had no energy, didn't feel like eating or doing anything but dozing. I'm feeling a little bit better now, so maybe it was just some 24-hour thing. Thanks to those of you who called with New Year's greetings today; if I didn't answer the phone, rest assured I was half-out-of-it on the couch or in bed wishing I had enough energy to grab the phone. I'm sorry I missed the Deacon party, as it was a really good time last year--darts, beer pong, taquitos, the Goodreaus' wedding cake, Spineless Panno, Kellner driving through the front yard, Sean passing out not just once, but twice.

So I watched 588 movies this year. I don't know any other way to announce something like that, except to just do it. I'm not proud of it, and it surprises even me, considering I saw 436 in 2003, and I had more of "a life" in 2004. Granted, I live alone, giving me more opportunities to watch films. And my social life is often filled with showing and watching movies; for instance, our regular Crappy Movie Nights. So, heck, if it sounds as though I'm a bit embarrassed that I saw 588 movies in 365 days, I suppose I am. But at least it gives me a good excuse to fill some inches in this blog.

The 588 includes films I saw more than once, as well as theatrical releases, cable viewings, VHS and DVDs, and movies I saw aired on TV. It begins with the documentary HELL'S HIGHWAY on January 1, and goes through MARTIAL OUTLAW earlier today.

Four of them are from 1939, the earliest year on the list (ZORRO'S FIGHTING LEGION, CODE OF THE SECRET SERVICE, SMASHING THE MONEY RING and MR. MOTO'S LAST WARNING).
Nine from the 1940s.
17 from the '50s.
43 from the '60s.
142 from the '70s.
135 from the '80s.
113 from the '90s.
103 from the '00s. 48 of those were 2004 releases.

Most in one month:
July: 63
Least in one month:
October: 34

A few rules I set for myself:
Serials count as one movie
TV shows don't count at all
Watching a film with the audio commentary track does not count
Multiple viewings each count as one

Films I saw more than once include (but are not limited to):
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
ANGELFIST
BAMBOO HOUSE OF DOLLS
BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS
BLOOD DEBTS
THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS
BRIDGE OF DRAGONS
CANNONBALL!
CAPRICORN ONE
CHOPPING MALL
DEAD HEAT
THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN (3 times)
DRIVE: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT (3 times)
ELIMINATORS
EUROTRIP (4 times)
EVIL DEAD II
FAHRENHEIT 9/11
H.O.T.S.
THE INTRUDER
KILL SQUAD (3 times)
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
NINJA DESTROYER
PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE
RAGE (1995)
ROBOT JOX
ROLLER BOOGIE
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME
SHARK ZONE
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
THE STABILIZER
THE SUPER INFRA-MAN
SWITCHBLADE SISTERS
TIME SERVED

Same title, but different movies:
WALKING TALL
THE PUNISHER
THE INTRUDER
STARSKY AND HUTCH
RIOT

Similar titles, but different movies:
THE SWEEPER/SWEEPERS
THE WRONG GUY/THE WRONG GUYS
SEARCH AND DESTROY/SEARCH AND RESCUE
ONE MAN ARMY/THE ONE MAN JURY
CODE NAME: WILD GEESE/CODE NAME: ZEBRA
NINJA AVENGERS/NINJA DESTROYER/NINJA THUNDERBOLT
VIRTUAL ASSASSIN/VIRTUAL SEDUCTION

Film I saw the most times:
EUROTRIP: 4

The most films in any one 24-hour period:
15, when I attended Northwestern University's annual B-Fest January 30-31

Numbers in the title, but not a sequel:
EQUALIZER 2000
THE DEVIL'S 8
AIRPORT 1975
AIRPORT '77
CAPRICORN ONE
THE CONCORDE: AIRPORT '79
DEVILS THREE
50 FIRST DATES
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13
AMERICA 3000
FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE
1,000 CONVICTS AND A WOMAN
FAHRENHEIT 9/11
CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE
MURDER ON FLIGHT 502
SIXPACK ANNIE
NEW CRIME CITY: LOS ANGELES 2020 A.D.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING
A FORCE OF ONE
THREE THE HARD WAY
LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS
OCEAN'S ELEVEN
ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER
THE ONE-ARMED EXECUTIONER

Films with topless women in kung-fu fights:
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
ANGELFIST
TNT JACKSON

I also watched all eleven FRIDAY THE 13TH movies this year, all but two of them for the first time. Other sequels I saw include:
BARBERSHOP 2: BACK IN BUSINESS
BEST OF THE BEST 3: NO TURNING BACK
BLACKBELT 2: FATAL FORCE
BLOODFIST II
BLOODSPORT II
CAGED HEAT II: STRIPPED OF FREEDOM
CYBORG COP II
DEAD ON: RELENTLESS II
DEATH WISH 3
EVIL DEAD II
THE HITCHER II: I'VE BEEN WAITING
MARTIAL LAW II: UNDERCOVER
MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING
PART 2 WALKING TALL
QUATERMASS 2
RAMBO III
RING OF FIRE II: BLOOD AND STEEL
SNIPER 2
SNIPER 3
SPECIES III
SPIDER-MAN 2
STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION
THE SUBSTITUTE 2: SCHOOL'S OUT
SWEENEY 2
TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION
TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL
WILD THINGS 2

Movies with William Shatner:
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY
SHOWTIME
LAND OF THE FREE
VISITING HOURS
BIG BAD MAMA
THE INTRUDER

Before I forget, I have none other than Superman pointing the way towards a new year. This neat cover for ACTION COMICS #81 carries a February 1945 date and was drawn by Wayne Boring & Stan Kaye. Who better than the Man of Steel to start out a new year?

It's Gonna Turn Out Baaaaaaaaad!
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: LONE WOLF MCQUADE
Whew! What an epic night of crappy movies. Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter wanted their own special Crappy Movie Night, so I loaded up on excellent Crappy Movies that everyone else had already seen at least once, but they hadn't. We had a pretty good crowd tonight, fueled by tasty He'Brew beer, Miller High Life, Coca-Cola, sausage, cheese, chocolate chip cookies and Ritz crackers.

The opener was SWITCHBLADE SISTERS, an amazing 1975 exploitation film that manages to hit just about every genre possible: girl gangs, women in prison, blaxploitation, political satire, camp, womens' lib. It's a favorite of Quentin Tarantino's, who arranged a theatrical re-release of it in the '90s, and was directed by Jack Hill. Unlike many who toiled in exploitation movies, Hill is a quiet, thoughtful, intelligent, erudite man who found himself unable to escape typecasting and decided to make the best exploitation movies he could. THE BIG DOLL HOUSE and THE BIG BIRD CAGE are women-in-prison movies made in the Philippines for Roger Corman's New World Pictures, but are marked with an uncommon amount of wit and managed to work in the prerequisite amounts of nudity and violence without becoming sleazy. COFFY and FOXY BROWN were released by American International Pictures (Corman's biggest rival), and starred Pam Grier as sexy, sassy, smart black heroines. Other Hill films include PIT STOP and SPIDER BABY, and all are worth watching. SWITCHBLADE SISTERS is basically a fantasy, a JD version of OTHELLO, but with catfights, automatic weapons and truly memorable dialogue.

THE STABILIZER was next, a rare Indonesian action film featuring outrageous wall-to-wall violence, filled to the gills with shootouts, kung fu battles, exploding cars, squibs and several dangerous stunts (looking even more so because I doubt safety was much of a factor to the stuntmen involved) and crazy Ed-Woodian dialogue spoken by some of the world's blandest dubbing actors. Not that anyone could make lines like "You talented bastard", "I psyched you out" and "Anybody I kill personally I always consider to be my friend" sound like normal human conversation, but they're made even funnier by the obvious dubbing. It's one of my favorite films.

TERMINAL ISLAND is most notable for a pre-MAGNUM Tom Selleck's performance as a mercy-killing, drug-addicted physician sentenced to Terminal Island, an island prison off the coast of Southern California stocked with male and female inmates who fight a civil war over the women, who are the sexiest murderesses I've ever seen. One of a small number of drive-in flicks to be directed by a woman, Stephanie Rothman, TERMINAL ISLAND is well-paced and -performed by a good cast of former (Don Marshall--LAND OF THE GIANTS, Marta Kristen--LOST IN SPACE, Randy Boone--CIMARRON STRIP) and future (Selleck and Roger E. Mosley--MAGNUM, P.I., Phyllis Davis--VEGA$) TV stars.

At midnight, Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter split, but the rest of us stayed up for LONE WOLF MCQUADE, my favorite Chuck Norris film and, next to CODE OF SILENCE, his best film. This homage to Italian westerns pits Texas Ranger McQuade (Norris) against a vicious gunrunner played by David Carradine. It features three very good scenes between the two stars, and culminates in an excellent martial-arts battle between them. Francisco DeMasi, a veteran of many Italian action movies, scored it, and you'll recognize many cast members like L.Q. Jones, Barbara Carrera, R.G. Armstrong, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Dana Kimmell, William Sanderson, Robert Beltran and Sharon Farrell.

Panno and I were talking about a young lady of our acquaintance this afternoon, and he asked me if I would give up Chuck Norris movies forever in exchange for dating her. It was a tough call, but I finally decided that I would, but only because it's unlikely that Chuck will ever make another really good film. Then he asked me if I would give up Shatner...that's going a little too far, man!

9 for $12
Now Playing: MIAMI HORROR
God love the Italians. Man, did they used to make some crazy-ass exploitation movies or what? Tonight I watched MIAMI HORROR, which opens with the title in the same font as MIAMI VICE and a crappy synth theme ripped off from Harold Faltermeyer's Axel Foley music. MIAMI HORROR is nothing like those films though; it isn't really like anything, least of all anything good. It's an Italian-made horror film directed by Alberto DeMartino, but shot in Miami with a New Zealand-born star, David Warbeck. It features some boring action scenes, full-frontal nudity by a not-terribly-attractive leading lady, and incompetent special effects featuring an alien fetus with psychic powers. I don't think I'll be watching this one again.

Despite my 2-for-2 slump this week with cheap used VHS tapes, I picked up nine more videos for $12 tonight at Schnuck's, of all places. All are direct-to-video action or horror pictures:
MARINES (from Nu Image, the New World of the '90s & '00s)
IN HELL (Jean-Claude Van Damme)
ANTIBODY (Lance Henriksen/Robin Givens)
BLACK POINT (David Caruso)
DARK DESCENT (Dean Cain)
LOST VOYAGE (Judd Nelson/Lance Henriksen)
THE CIRCUIT (Olivier Gruner)
ANGELS DON'T SLEEP HERE (Robert Patrick/Roy Scheider)
CONTAMINATED MAN (William Hurt)

Hey, don't be too snobbish about DTV releases. Some of them are surprisingly good, and it's a shame no one knows about them. And hardly anybody reviews them, much less the mainstream press, although I'm not sure why only theatrical releases deserve to be written about. After all, why should a piece of crap like VAN HELSING, the worst film of 2004, get more press coverage than a little film like ANTIBODY, which is no masterpiece, but it's a helluva lot more entertaining than VAN HELSING is.

ANTIBODY was shot in Bulgaria by a production company called UFO that specializes in stuff like this. It's basically a remake of FANTASTIC VOYAGE, and it casts Lance Henriksen as the hero, a romantic leading man part in which he gets to crack jokes, be cool and make out with Robin Givens. The visual effects aren't half bad for a DTV SF film, even though they aren't as good as the film's story requires, and the script is paint-by-numbers at best. Heck, those three elements in ANTIBODY--leading man, visual effects and script--are better than VAN HELSING's!

One tape I didn't pick up is PHASE IV, and that's because I already have the DVD. PHASE IV stars DTV stalwarts Dean Cain and Brian Bosworth, and is an entertaining, fast-moving mystery. I'll tell you more about it some other time, but if you see it on the shelf at the video store, go ahead and rent it.

Jerry Orbach R.I.P.
Mood:  sad
Wow. This is shocking. Actor Jerry Orbach, the avuncular star of LAW & ORDER who portrayed sardonic detective Lennie Briscoe from 1992 to 2004, passed away last night from prostate cancer. He was 69.

It's a shock for a couple of reasons. One, Orbach is such a likable Everyman that, despite his all-around talent as an actor, singer and personality, he seemed like One of Us, just a Regular Guy. Two, even though he announced earlier this year that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, he also said he was undergoing treatment and that it would not affect his new job as an actor on the upcoming new L&O series TRIAL BY JURY. What we didn't know is that his illness was much more serious than he let on, that in fact he was first diagnosed a decade ago. Obviously Orbach was a brilliant stage actor (THE FANTASTICKS, CHICAGO) who made a mark of sorts in films (DIRTY DANCING, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST), but his long run on LAW & ORDER made him one of television's most beloved stars. He also "played" Briscoe in several L&O video games. I'm very sorry to hear this news.

I haven't heard yet whether he had shot any scenes for TRIAL BY JURY or whether they would be used if so. I certainly hope L&O guru Dick Wolf gives Briscoe a proper sendoff, possibly having the character die off-screen much as JUDGING AMY did with Richard Crenna and 8 SIMPLE RULES did with John Ritter in recent years. The fictional L&O characters need to mourn Briscoe, just as we will.

(Author's Note: I just read that Orbach did film some TRIAL BY JURY episodes and that Wolf plans to air them as is, giving us a chance to say goodbye to Lennie, as well as Jerry.)

In other TV cop news, I walked into a nice surprise at Best Buy the other night while picking up a new Cyberhome 300 DVD player. Fox was discounting several of its Season One TV box sets at 50% or more, including BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, 24, LOST IN SPACE and THE X-FILES. I grabbed NYPD BLUE--the Caruso Year--for less than $20, an excellent deal for 22 of the series' most outstanding episodes. I don't know how long this sale will last, but check it out soon if you can. MILLENNIUM was unfortunately not on the list, or else I would have bought that one too.

In crappy movie news, I watched Crown International's KILLPOINT last night, which stars Chinese "actor" Leo Fong as a cop. It beats me why anyone made this movie with Fong; he's no actor, he's sure as hell isn't Jet Li in the looks department, and his martial arts skills would maybe give Rudy Ray Moore a run for his money. Richard Roundtree (SHAFT) is in it, but has nothing to do; regardless, he's the only one in the film giving a good performance. Cameron Mitchell just acts crazy (not unusual for him), and Stack Pierce looks menacing, but is thinly written. KILLPOINT is pretty bad, which doesn't make me eagerly anticipate LOW BLOW, another Fong/Mitchell action picture.

It's Showtime!
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: SHOWTIME
I don't know what cosmic forces caused this to happen, but I somehow coincidentally received two Robert DeNiro comedies from Netflix back-to-back. On the heels of MEET THE PARENTS comes SHOWTIME, in which DeNiro and Eddie Murphy play L.A. cops who star in their own reality TV series. It isn't very good, partially because the stars don't have much of a rapport. DeNiro was funnier in PARENTS because he had more of a character to play. Murphy gets to be Eddie, although this is the PG-13 Eddie. I hope I get to see the R-rated Eddie again, 'cause few people on Earth have ever been funnier. The real problem with SHOWTIME is that it doesn't even believe its own premise. The first scene is DeNiro telling a bunch of kindergarten kids that policework is not what it looks like on TV. He doesn't get into car chases or big action setpieces. Then ten minutes later, he's shooting it out with drug dealers in a back room someplace with helicopters overhead and bad guys with huge guns and armor-piercing bullets. After that, the film has the gall to present a scene in which DeNiro is chewed out by his superior, who is black, as always (they really should have hired Frank McRae from 48 HRS. to play this role; that might have given this part a tongue-in-cheek nod to the audience that would make it work). You can't base your film on the premise that real cops are not based on TV cliches and then make the guy who's chewing the maverick cop out a big black man. The film even knows this is a cliche, since there's a scene where the Murphy character is auditioning for a bad cop movie and the superior officer is being played in the audition by...a large black man.

The best scene finds the two cops being schooled on how to be a TV cop by none other than T.J. Hooker himself, William Shatner. Shatner is very funny demonstrating the finer techniques of kicking in doors while still showing the camera your best profile, jumping on to car hoods, and tasting drugs ("Hooker knows it's cocaine."). It's Chapter 10 if you have the DVD. Just watch that part and skip the rest.

I have a new DVD player today. My RCA, which I purchased in 1999, may have bitten the bullet. Last week it started having problems with the audio signal. Every time I would try to access the menu or an extra or even rewind or fast-forward a section, the receiver would lose the signal from the RCA, and the only way to get the sound back was to shut the receiver off and turn it back on several times. I tried to search some online forums to see if anyone else had the same problem, but couldn't find anything. Perhaps it's a sign that I should get that DVD recorder I'm interested in. I can't afford it right now though, so I ran out and got a Cyberhome 300, which sold at Best Buy for $40 with a mail-in rebate that brings the price down to $25. I don't expect this unit to last long, but it should work well enough for $25. It has a region-free hack, so I can now play foreign DVDs if I want. It also has progressive scan, zoom and a faster rewind and fast-forward than my RCA. No optical digital output, unfortunately, so I'm using coaxial now. Hopefully I'll get a decent quarterly bonus next month and be able to use it as a significant chunk of my DVD recorder purchase. If anyone can recommend a good unit, please let me know. A friend has a Sony RDR-GX300 DVD recorder which is nice.

Wrong Place at the Right Time
Mood:  incredulous
Cheeseburger called me out for not mentioning the model that I did not meet this weekend. The excuse "it's too painful" doesn't work on her, so here's the dilly-yo. It's true...my brother's next-door neighbors have a hot 20-year-old neighbor who occasionally stops by to play with my brother's poodle. She does some modeling on the side. She dropped by Xmas Eve while I was downstairs playing XBox and everyone neglected to tell me she was there, so I never even saw her. I heard her upstairs and asked my brother, "Who's up there?" "I don't know," he replied. Thanks for not honing those voice-recognition skills, dude. Otherwise, I'm sure my life would have changed for the better beginning at that exact moment. As Napoleon Dynamite says, "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like numchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills..." Worst. Christmas. Ever.

My presents are pretty nice. Nothing expensive or glitzy, but certainly useful and thoughtful. Some stoneware, kitchen utensils, dish towels, recipe box (my sister-in-law likes to give me tasty crockpot recipes), a James T. Kirk notepad and pen, a James T. Kirk "Trouble With Tribbles" MiniMate (sweet), salt and peppercorn shakers... And a winning lottery ticket--$2! Flippin' sweet.

Which reminds me that my brother gave my dad a fake lottery ticket. He scratched off the numbers to discover that he was a $25,000 winner. Boy, was he excited, laughing and dancing and telling all of us about the Cadillac he was going to drive back to Illinois. When he started wondering where he was going to collect, he checked out the retailer information on the back. Take a look at what he discovered at this link. Thankfully, my dad had a good sense of humor about it. My brother's face was red from laughing so hard.

Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter are apparently up for a viewing of THE STABILIZER and SWITCHBLADE SISTERS this week. I think pretty much everyone has seen SWITCHBLADE SISTERS...well, THE STABILIZER too, for that matter, but I don't think one can watch THE STABILIZER too many times. THE STABILIZER is probably the best Crappy Movie ever made--idiotic, incompetent, action-packed, illogical, inept, filled with fashion faux pas, terrible dialogue, animal cruelty, bad music, and reckless, dangerous stuntwork. Obviously a must-see. Tolemite will back me up on that.

Are You A Pothead, Focker?
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: MEET THE PARENTS
Got home from St. Louis tonight, checked email (I had a lot) and Mobius, unpacked, had some five-day-old goulash, watched MEET THE PARENTS from Netflix in anticipation of possibly seeing the new sequel, MEET THE FOCKERS. It's a fairly decent comedy, unusually low-key for a modern Hollywood comedy, which usually has a joke every four seconds and closes with a huge action setpiece like a silly car chase or something. The story doesn't really hold together, but its main flaw is what usually happens in Ben Stiller movies, and that is that his character is completely unsympathetic. The movie wants you to root for him, but he's such an idiot that he deserves all the abuse he gets. DeNiro is extremely funny in it though and it's a pretty good time. The supporting cast is good too...and what was Phyllis George doing in it? Odd seeing her pop up...and looking damn good for 50.

OK, Christmas...well, what can I say? Not very eventful. I ate, read, slept, watched TV and played XBox. That's it. Spent a lot of time watching my brother play Halo 2 online. What's really cool about it is that you can engage in this elaborate combat scenarios online in real time with and against as many as 15 others who could be next door or on Mars, as long as they have Internet access. I played a little bit too, but spent most of my XBox time with Links 2004. Halo 2 is not really my style--I don't really get into games where you just run around shooting things--but playing online can be addicting. It sets you up in random situations like Capture the Flag, which can be fun. If you own this game, but you never play it online, you probably wasted your money, because you aren't getting its true value, for sure.

I was lucky enough to catch the end of Letterman the other night and Darlene Love's annual performance of "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)", which she originally sang 40 years ago on Phil Spector's classic Christmas album. She has performed it on the Letterman show ever since his NBC days, and it's always a big thrill; it's such a fantastic song, and even in her 60s, Darlene (whom you may recognize as Danny Glover's wife in the LETHAL WEAPON movies) has a fantastic voice.

I also picked up five crappy movies yesterday. My brother and I stopped into a Family Video, where I bought five of their used VHS tapes for $2.95 each. Quite a steal for MIAMI HORROR (sounds like a totally hilarious Italian SF/action pic), MARTIAL OUTLAW, two Leo Fong "classics" (KILLPOINT and LOW BLOW), and a pretty fun action movie with Lance Henriksen and Stephen Collins called CHOKE CANYON. Truthfully, it makes me a little sad to see obscure 20-year-old videos going to waste. I always have this nagging feeling that, one day, this tape of MIAMI HORROR will be the only one left on the planet. It isn't likely to ever show up on DVD, so when these tapes are gone, they're gone. Big bucks are going into preserving major films like SPARTACUS and LAWRENCE OF ARABIA; at the very least, I can put one copy of MIAMI HORROR away somewhere for the next generation of crappy-movie fans.