The Jack Bauer Power Hour
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: 24 (some spoilers may follow)
Blip-chonk! Blip-chonk! Blip-chonk!

Almost eight months after he chopped off his partner's arm with an axe and saved the world from a killer virus, Kiefer Sutherland is back as superspy Jack Bauer in the fourth-season premiere of 24. Fired from Counter Terrorism Unit's Los Angeles bureau, Jack is now working in D.C. for the Secretary of Defense (that old Cheshire-grinner William Devane) and bopping his boss' daughter (THIRD WATCH's Kim Raver). But before the first hour of Jack's day is over, his boss and his girlfriend have both been abducted by Arab terrorists, and away we go with another 24 hours slam-packed with intense violence, backbiting, suspicion and the threat of a huge cataclysm certain to shake up the free world.

Jack is back without his familiar cast of supporting players. Bubbleheaded daughter Kim (the twinkly Elisha Cuthbert) is shacking up with boy toy Chase (James Badge Dale), who somehow landed a gig with a security firm despite having just one arm (I hope he has a cool hook). Soul Patch Tony (Carlos Bernard) is presumably in prison, having committed treason last year to save plucky wife Michelle (Reiko Aylesworth) from kidnappers. President David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) found himself in a heap o' legal and PR trouble after his ex-wife committed some murders in an effort to blow up L.A. last season, so he decided not to run for a second term.

The cast member I miss most is Aylesworth, who gave a wonderful Emmy-worthy performance last year as she struggled to maintain order in a quarantined hotel filled with terminally ill guests, especially as she sweated out whether she herself was dying from the same virus that affected nearly everyone else. And she's easy on the eyes.

Fox is following an unusual programming strategy by kicking off the season with a four-hour 24 miniseries, two hours tonight and two more tomorrow night. The real reason is so they won't have to do any preemptions during the rest of the season, and they want the season finale to land during May sweeps. I'm all for as much 24 as I can get in the shortest amount of time. Tonight's installment packed more plot, drama and excitement than most theatrical thrillers do, and I'm curious to see where the story leads us. And it's good to know that Jack is still in character, ignoring rules, disrespecting authority, torturing the crap out of anybody who stands between him and whatever short-term goal he's obsessed with at the moment.

'Til tomorrow night at 7, blip-chonk, blip-chonk, blip-chonk.

Michael Keaton Sees Dead People
Now Playing: WHITE NOISE
Michael Keaton is back.

He stars in a new thriller called WHITE NOISE, and the fact that its release date is in January should tell you what you need to know about how good it is. The last time Keaton starred in a theatrical release was 1998's JACK FROST, where he played a dead father reincarnated as a snowman. Not surprisingly, JACK received a frosty reception from critics and audiences, and Keaton fell plumb off the radar for several years, during which he appeared in some low-profile pictures that never received general releases, an acclaimed TV-movie about the Gulf War, and a teenybopper Katie Holmes vehicle in which he played the U.S. President.

I've been a fan of Keaton's almost as far back as I can remember. The first time I saw him was as a joke writer in a `70s sitcom called ALL'S FAIR, which starred Richard Crenna as a senator and Bernadette Peters as his much younger girlfriend. He did only a few episodes before it was cancelled, but he clearly impressed a lot of people who were making television at that time, because he popped up in one series after another. He (and David Letterman) were regulars on Mary Tyler Moore's two late-'70s variety shows, imaginatively titled MARY and THE MARY TYLER MOORE HOUR.

He finally made it to star status on CBS' shortlived WORKING STIFFS. I have all six episodes that were filmed of this sitcom, which is a very funny slapstick show that was probably conceived as a male version of LAVERNE & SHIRLEY (the fact that Penny Marshall directed an episode helps my case). Keaton and Jim Belushi played goofball cousins who landed jobs as handymen in a Chicago office building owned by their uncle. A lot of the time, the two actors appear to be going off-script as they found themselves disarming bombs and dangling from clock towers and wrestling with soda machines. Paul Reubens also appears in several episodes as a geeky delivery boy. WORKING STIFFS isn't a sophisticated show, but it's frequently funny (one bit with the boys trapped in an elevator with a bomb is wonderful), definitely lively, and relatively free of the putdowns and sex gags that pass for sitcom jokes today. It's also fun to see two very funny future stars develop their personas (Keaton, the wiry ball of energy with exquisite timing; Belushi, the loudmouthed slob who's a big teddy bear underneath) at the beginning of their careers.

I don't think Keaton has ever been better than in his film debut, playing Henry Winkler's sidekick in NIGHT SHIFT, which was directed by Winkler's pal Ron Howard, who likely knew Keaton from WORKING STIFFS, which was taped on the Paramount lot where HAPPY DAYS was made. 1982 gave us this and 48 HRS., Eddie Murphy's film debut, and it's a tossup as to which performance is more explosive. Murphy is brilliant in 48 HRS., all swagger and potent comic energy, but, dammit, so is Keaton, who steals NIGHT SHIFT from Winkler as "Billy Blaze", a cocky, ambitious morgue attendant who gets the idea for he and Winkler to moonlight as pimps (uh, excuse me, "love brokers"). Bolstered by an ingenious, laugh-a-minute script by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel (PARENTHOOD, SPLASH), Keaton is absolutely on fire, spitting out a stream of hilarious lines and bopping about like ants are in his pants. It's impossible to tear your eyes away from him. In fact, he's so good that everyone forgets that Winkler is pretty good as the ostensible star of the picture. Keep an eye out for Keaton's amazing deconstruction of the word "prostitution".

For more classic Keaton, check out MR. MOM ("220, 221, whatever it takes."), GUNG HO ("I don't think it was a horse.") and THE PAPER ("I don't fucking live in the real fucking world! I live in fucking New York City, so go fuck yourself!"), an underrated black comedy by Ron Howard that no one ever saw, but stands up as one of Howard's best movies. Keaton went all dramatic on us in 1989's CLEAN AND SOBER, which is a good movie. He's funny in a supporting bit as Dogberry in Kenneth Branaugh's MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, and plays four disparate roles in Harold Ramis' MULTIPLICITY. Of course, Keaton was Batman too, but I never liked Tim Burton's Batman movies, not that I blame Keaton, who wasn't given any character to play under that black cowl. JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY, BEETLEJUICE and SPEECHLESS have their fans, but I never cottoned to them. ONE GOOD COP is an uneven mixture of domestic drama and cop thriller. And of course he was Ray Nicolet in JACKIE BROWN and OUT OF SIGHT (he's really good courting Jennifer Lopez in this).

As for WHITE NOISE, well, it's not very impressive, but Keaton does very good work in it as a successful architect whose wife dies in an accident and he becomes convinced he can contact her through EVP--Electronic Voice Phenomenon. He becomes obsessed with videotaping "white noise" in order to get a visual or audio glimpse of his wife in the afterlife. Soon, the film's moral of Thou Shalt Not Meddle Where Man Is Not Meant to Tread becomes evident when Keaton begins seeing pictures from beyond...before the victims have died. The ending is badly jumbled, but the film's biggest problem is that too much of it consists of people sitting in front of a computer, clicking keys and staring at a screen. Computers are not inherently cinematic, and director Geoffrey Sax isn't talented enough to add a freshness to it. Keaton does a wonderful job of selling the script's inconsistencies, though. He also looks pretty good; he's filled out some (he was 53 when WHITE NOISE was made), and sports a pretty good rug.

I don't think it bodes well for Keaton that his big starring comeback is in this Universal dump job, but it has to be more satisfying for his fans than his next picture, Disney's umpteenth THE LOVE BUG remake with Lindsay Lohan.

Odds and Ends
Mood:  chatty
Got up to have breakfast this morning with some old cronies from B. Dalton. I worked parttime at the mall bookstore off and on for 3-4 years. When I started, I was still working nights in radio and needed the dough. And a mall bookstore is a relatively calm gig, a little selling and shelving and opening boxes and taking out trash, but nothing too stressful. And it was a bonus that I really liked the folks who worked there. When I got a promotion to afternoon drive at the radio station, I had to quit B. Dalton, but I came back about a year later when I left radio to work at Horizon Hobby. I didn't really need the money at that point, but B. Dalton paid every week, it was a little extra jingle in my pocket, and the 30% discount was kickass. What was really nice is that I could order virtually any book I wanted and have it delivered to the store. For instance, McFarland books are quite expensive, but instead of ordering directly from them (and McFarland is rarely carried in bookstores), I could order it for the store and snare it for 30% off. Plus, I live alone, and even though leaving an 8:30-5 job to go work at another job is not especially fun, it was a good excuse to get out of the house and be with people.

B. Dalton closed one year ago this month. B. Dalton is owned by Barnes & Noble, which is systematically closing all the B. Daltons. It was a shame that the store had to go. Personally, it didn't break me up as much as it did others, since I wasn't that closely tied to it. I liked it, I liked working there, but I was there only 3-10 hours a week at the most, and the money wasn't something I needed. I was, however, sad for my co-workers who were fulltime employees, although I'm glad to report that all are gainfully employed and seemingly happy today.

Breakfast with Gary and Becca was good fun, gossiping about some of our old colleagues (The Witch, for example, a crazy hypochondriac with a knack for fainting on duty and taking months-long medical leaves. And the Chinese girl with a loose grasp on reality who once asked everyone, "Don't you just love shopping in Taiwan?").

Afterwards, I ran over and picked up a Sam's Card. There used to be some sort of brutal initiation, I think involving dropping bing cherries into a martini glass with your butt crack, but now you just have to fork over $35 and a driver's license. I just poked around the electronics a bit, and bought 100 DVD-Rs and some cases in anticipation of my Toshiba DVD recorder (which shipped from Amazon.com yesterday). As always, it's fun seeing what people buy at Sam's, like this couple who had four gallon jugs of Prego spaghetti sauce. Where would you even store that?

I showed Tolemite some Christmas cards a couple of weeks ago that had been handcrafted by the great Todd Woodman. I won't describe the cards, since Wooderson's employers would doubtlessly not be pleased at the use of his official work uniform as the subject of parody, but, oh, they are funny. I believe they are one-of-a-kind masterworks, but I haven't gotten a new one in several years. Perhaps, like `60s rock stars, Woodman has just been written out. Next time you come over, I'll show them to you. And next winter we'll start a massive letter-writing campaign to get a new Woodman masterpiece.

Glad to see Billy reading this site. Well, glad and not so glad. Since Billy is reading it, it means I can't relate any of about 1000 awesome Bill stories that need to be shared with the world. For instance, a bunch of us broke into a friend's apartment one evening, and when said friend arrived home, he found Billy naked in a towel, vacuuming and using the friend's toothbrush. That's about the 354th most outrageous stunt Billy has ever pulled. Bill, let me know when you're not looking so I can tell one of these great tales.

I have a bunch of magazines to catch up on. I recently received from Continental Airlines some free points toward magazine subscriptions through my trip to Los Angeles in 2003, so I ordered several: SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, TV GUIDE, TIME, BLENDER, FHM, STUFF, I think one or two more. So now I have a stack of them that I may or may not get around to. I just got a new ESPN, SI and FHM. Teri Hatcher is in the new FHM, so it looks like that mag gets the first look. Teri claims she hasn't had sex in about five years, which only means that she isn't looking hard enough, because I know where she can get some. SEINFELD fans will be happy to know that, at 40, "they" are still real and still spectacular. Teri also claims that any woman who says she does not use, um, electronic devices is lying. Any ladies wanna take a swing at that charge?

I also have the new PSYCHOTRONIC VIDEO issue, which has an interview with MANDINGO star Ken Norton. The only article that could pull me away from Teri Hatcher's breasts would be one on MANDINGO, which is probably as fascinating to read about as it is to watch. I think Toler and Kevin will be glad to back me up on that awesome train wreck called MANDINGO.

This Is Your Trophy. Come and Get It.
Now Playing: OUT FOR JUSTICE
"He can take a punch. He can take an insult. And now...Steven Seagal...is taking out the garbage!"

I don't think I had seen OUT FOR JUSTICE since it came out in 1991. I was very impressed with Steven Seagal's debut film, ABOVE THE LAW, in 1988, and I made an effort to catch his first eight pictures on their theatrical runs. For some reason, I skipped THE GLIMMER MAN, Seagal's only theatrically released picture that I still haven't seen.

Today, a slower, fatter Seagal is a direct-to-video stalwart, although as busy as ever with six films out in the past two years. But he was a prominent box-office star in his day, including his fourth action film, OUT FOR JUSTICE, which is an effective little B-picture with a plot as simple as they come. Seagal plays an Italian NYPD narcotics dick named Gino who works the same Brooklyn streets he grew up on. A psycho crackhead he grew up with, played menacingly by William Forsythe (CITY BY THE SEA), kills his partner, and Seagal spends the entire night chasing him around the borough. Also in the film is Jerry Orbach, a couple of years before starting his long LAW & ORDER gig, but already wearing his Briscoe long face and duds; a cute Gina Gershon (SHOWGIRLS) as Forsythe's sister; Julianna Margulies from ER; John Leguizamo (SPAWN) and Cinemax sensation Shannon Whirry.

Seagal's performance is pretty broad--he's really laying the accent on thick--but he's having a pretty good time, busting a lot of heads and splashing a lot of blood. I suspect OUT FOR JUSTICE had to be trimmed to get an R rating; Seagal hatchets one guy's hand to a wall, blasts another guy's leg clean off with a shotgun blast, and jams a corkscrew right through someone else's forehead.

The Internet Movie Database claims this movie grossed $39 million, which is a damn good showing for 1991 and a lot more than it was made for. It's too bad Seagal's ego eventually got the best of him. His next film, UNDER SIEGE, is one of his best, but he followed it up with his directorial debut, the ridiculous ON DEADLY GROUND, and his career never really recovered from its notorious failure.

His recent work is not terribly impressive. He made a comeback of sorts in EXIT WOUNDS, which is a decent sleeper, but TICKER found him working with Albert Pyun, a candidate for the World's Worst Director, and Dennis Hopper, who shot all his scenes in 12 hours (and it shows), HALF PAST DEAD is laughably absurd (although it did get into multiplexes), and OUT FOR A KILL is Seagal's worst to date. I've yet to catch up with his most recent offerings, I think because I'm scared of what I will find.

I forgot to mention something in my previous post: a Flash-animated music video featuring William Shatner's senses-shattering rendition of the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Prepare to be shocked speechless. That means you, Cheeseburger.

Newspaper Taxis Appear on the Shore
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds" by William Shatner

The Man. The Legend. The One True Shatner. What can I say about this man of genius that hasn't been said before? Heck, the guy even has a religion named after him.

We all know Shatner is a brilliant actor, writer and director, but are you aware of The Shat's career as a singer and performance artist?

I'm going to ask you to trust me on something. What follows is perhaps the most frightening, the most awe-inducing, the most psychedelically messed-up thing you have ever seen. You'll need Real Media to watch it, but please believe me when I say it's totally worth it.

In 1978, Shatner appeared on the televised Saturn Awards, given annually to the best in SF and horror. For God knows what reason, he wore a crushed velvet tuxedo, sat on a stool, smoked, and "performed" a rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man" that has to be seen to be believed. Actually, that's not true. Once you've seen it, you still won't believe it exists. But you'll get on your knees and thank whatever deity you worship that it does.

Don't ask any questions. Don't delay. Don't think about it. Just click the link, sit back, and let the Brilliance of Shatner wash over you like a cool ocean tide on a warm summer morning.

Shatner does Rocket Man

Look At All That Fine Chicken
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: SLEEPAWAY CAMP
Thanks to all those who came by for crappy movies tonight. It was a big thrill to introduce the Cohens to SLEEPAWAY CAMP, one of the kinkiest and most disturbing of the slasher genre and one that contains by far the most memorable shock ending.

To say much more about SLEEPAWAY CAMP's story would be to give everything away. Suffice to say that it certainly could not be attempted in today's "safe" atmosphere. Most of the feeling of unease the film inflicts upon its audience is due to its very young cast. We're used to seeing cheap horror movies where the kids curse, act like jerks, get naked and have sex, and are brutalized in a myriad of creative ways, but they're usually 18-year-olds played by 24-year-old actors. Here, the victims are 14 and they look 14. Kids are punched, battered and murdered in some pretty crude ways (the "curling iron" scene may be the most infamous). Not only is there a shockingly high quotient of violence inflicted upon children, but also they're highly sexualized. For instance, the camp "hottie", is always slutted up in a variety of tight shirts and bikinis, but in a character (and actress) so young, her sexuality is more discomforting than titillating. Adding to the "unusualness" is a rampant homosexual context, ranging from dressing most of the actors in tight shorts and half-shirts to the kinky backgrounds of some of the characters. While many slasher films use sex only to tease the audience with a flash of breast to signal an impending murder, SLEEPAWAY CAMP is unusual in that sex is a motivator for everything that happens, right down to the disturbing final image, which is probably the impetus for whatever cult this movie has.

Once you've seen SLEEPAWAY CAMP, you won't forget it, and I wonder what Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter were thinking about as they closed their eyes to go to sleep tonight.

Of course, what better way to lead into SLEEPAWAY CAMP than CHEERLEADER CAMP, which has the same plot, more or less, but came at the end of the slasher cycle and has little to say. It at least offers an interesting B-movie cast: Leif Garrett, Lucinda Dickey (BREAKIN', NINJA III: THE DOMINATION), Betsy Russell (PRIVATE SCHOOL, AVENGING ANGEL), Playmate Rebecca Ferratti and Penthouse Pet Teri Weigel (now a porn star).

Good news on the UPS front, even though I'm not sure I'm getting all of the story. The seller informed me via email this afternoon that he had received a refund, and he returned my money to me tonight using PayPal. It, of course, seems unlikely that UPS could have possibly processed this refund already; I was expecting at least a 6-8 week wait. Perhaps my bitching and moaning greased some wheels; I don't know. At any rate, thank you, Seller, and thank you, UPS.

The irony is that I ordered a DVD recorder tonight from Amazon.com, and I asked for the free shipping option. I have no say over how Amazon ships it, and it could be UPS. I'm not taking any more chances with their drivers though. I'm having it shipped to my work address. I'll talk more about the DVD recorder when I get it, but if you're curious, I did get the Toshiba. The RD-XS32 Progressive-Scan DVD Player/Recorder with 80 GB Hard Drive, to be exact.

OK, time to wrap things up with my Top Ten Films of 2004 list:

The Top Ten Films of 2004 (Alphabetically)

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY--2004 was a very good year for comedies in a long time; three made my list and two more came close. ANCHORMAN earned its spot simply because it made me laugh harder than any other film did. Other comedies this year were more consistently funny with more major laughs, but this is the only one that had me literally crying from laughter (it`s a scene told completely through subtitles). Will Ferrell isn't a comic actor capable of nuance, but his force-of-nature approach dares you to ignore him. There appears to be very little he won't do for a laugh, and the aura of innocence he presents beneath Burgundy's chauvinistic bluster puts the audience firmly on his side, even when he's behaving petulantly.

CELLULAR--This crisp thriller benefits from a screenplay that manages to keep the clever but farfetched premise reasonably believable and an earnest cast (Kim Basinger, Jason Statham, William H. Macy) talented enough to sell its more preposterous moments. Director David R. Ellis, whose first film, FINAL DESTINATION 2, is also a recommended sleeper, handles the many chases, fights and stunts with energetic abandon. Little-tested lead Chris Evans plays the Human Torch in 2005's FANTASTIC FOUR.

EUROTRIP--EUROTRIP is what can happen when smart people (in this case, three former SEINFELD writers) attempt something dumb. I laughed a lot during this series of overseas comic misadventures, including an overly amorous Italian, a rowdy rugby team led by Vinnie Jones, a goose-stepping little boy, a losing battle with absinthe that summons a profanity-spewing fairy, a Bratislavian MIAMI VICE junkie and a Dutch dominatrix named Vandersexxx (Lucy Lawless), the finest robot-mime kung fu battle ever filmed and the world`s funniest David Hasselhoff joke.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11--One of the most powerful films I've seen in awhile, Michael Moore's diatribe against the Bush administration left me angry, confused, saddened, frustrated, amused and fascinated. Moore's critics, of course, accused the film of being packed with lies, but the most damaging evidence against Bush is found footage that could not have been faked by Moore, particularly the video of Bush learning about the 9/11 attacks while reading to schoolchildren in Florida and freezing with a frightened look on his face, unable to react or perform his duties as Commander-in-Chief. It's chilling to see the most powerful man in the free world act--or not act--with such incompetence at a time when the intelligence, wisdom and cool decision-making of a good leader was needed as it had been at no more urgent time in American history.

THE INCREDIBLES-- "America needs heroes" is the message, as America's super-powered citizens are barred from fighting crime after too many lawsuits forced the government to clamp down on them. Propelled by Michael Giacchino's peppy score inspired by John Barry and writer/director Brad Bird's uncanny sense of adventure, pacing, excitement and humor, THE INCREDIBLES is one of the all-time best superhero movies, a slam-bang entertainment that appeals to both grownups and their kids.

KILL BILL, VOL. 2--The continuation of the Bride's (Uma Thurman) "roaring rampage of revenge" contains less action and more dialogue and characterization than KILL BILL, VOL. 1 and is more akin to the conversational quality of JACKIE BROWN than to anything else Quentin Tarantino has made. It's even better than the audacious first movie, thanks to more striking cinematography by the great Robert Richardson and an extraordinary cast, especially David Carradine, who possibly never has received a big-screen role this juicy.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE--Be prepared for one of the most original movie characters you've seen in awhile. As played by Oregon newcomer Jon Heder, Napoleon Dynamite is an affecting mixture of Carrot Top and Mark Fidrych...but more eccentric. Despite his tendency to exaggerate and act rudely, he's remarkably likable, performed by Jon Heder in such a way that we feel Napoleon's pain at the same time that we're laughing at it. The humor is off-center, just like Napoleon, and is comparable to the whimsy perceptible in Wes Anderson's comedies like RUSHMORE.

SIDEWAYS--Director Alexander Payne has created four vivid characters who talk, drink, muse, have sex, fight, all in a very absorbing manner, and all four are vividly brought to life by the actors who inhabit them. Paul Giamatti, so wonderful as the grouchy comic-book writer Harvey Pekar in AMERICAN SPLENDOR, outdoes his acclaimed work there, inhabiting his character so completely that you feel every bit of his pain, his passion, his broken dreams and failed ambitions. It's a wonderful performance which is nearly matched by Virginia Madsen, who shares one particular scene with Giamatti on a porch that is as well-acted as anything else you're likely to see this year, a conversation about wine that isn't really about wine as much as it's about loneliness and insecurity.

SPARTAN--This fantastic thriller was written and directed by the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Mamet. What begins as a mystery story, as star Val Kilmer (his best work in a long time) follows the intricate clues to a sleazy nightclub that caters to middle-aged men with much younger tastes and, ultimately, a white slavery operation in Dubai, ends as a political thriller along the lines of THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR. Its climax is a bit contrived, but to that point, SPARTAN is a smart, tightly plotted thriller that doesn't depend upon splashy CGI effects to earn its buzz.

SUPER SIZE ME--Spurred on by news reports of two obese teenage girls who sued McDonald's, blaming the fast-food chain for their excessive weight, documentarian Morgan Spurlock decided to find out first-hand just how harmful the cuisine at the Golden Arches is. For 30 days, he ate only items that could be found on the McDonald's menu, and the results were astounding--weight gain, depression, headaches, sexual dysfunction. To see the gregarious Spurlock transformed into a blotchy zombie before our very eyes is to believe in the insidious business practices of one of America's most beloved symbols. A fascinating, educational documentary with a poignant revelation about our fast-food society.

Honorable Mention: DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY, HERO, SPIDER-MAN 2, THE PUNISHER, THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU

A Lesbinian?
Mood:  don't ask
Damn. No sun in today's forecast. Still looking for that first tasty ray of '05. We did get some snow though. I love my garage.

I forgot to mention the other night that I watched some of the extras on the ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY disc. And, really, I wasn't very impressed. There are a ton of deleted scenes and alternate takes included, but I didn't find most of them to be interesting. One that I did like features an actor who was completely cut out of the film, Joe Flaherty, the great comic character actor from SCTV and FREAKS & GEEKS, a series executive-produced by ANCHORMAN producer Judd Apatow (look for other F&G cast in the film too). In the scene, Christina Applegate is flashing back to other stations she has worked at where she has been subjected to sexism. When Flaherty, as a Houston station manager, asks Christina to do the news in a bikini and she refuses, he accuses her of being a "lesbinian". What humor is in the scene flows from Flaherty's performance, although it might have been funnier if he had done it as Guy Caballero.

In the Comments section below, Toler mentions Woodman's homemade Christmas cards. I don't want to say much more about them without Woodman's permission, since his bosses may not see the humor in them, but they are brilliant. If I could only get him to do more... If you want to see them, come on over and I'll show them to you.

I just noticed a new reality show called WICKEDLY PERFECT premieres on CBS tonight. Here's the Yahoo! program description:

The 12 contestants, divided into two teams, must come up with a name for each team and pick as many apples as they can in 30 minutes; when the apples are picked, they must come up with team projects using their entire harvest.

Wow. Fucking riveting. I'd better use my couch seatbelt for that one so I don't fall off the edge of the seat.

You Just Gotta Keep On Livin', Man. L-I-V-I-N.
Now Playing: DAZED AND CONFUSED
Richard Linklater's 1993 comedy isn't so much a film as it is a document of an American era: the late-1970's, a period that was post-Vietnam and pre-AIDS, when long hair and bell bottoms were in, and everybody wanted to have a good time. And a good time is what DAZED AND CONFUSED delivers, a delightful and entertaining movie that stands as an outstanding example of what teenagers were really like during that period. Driving around, drinking, flirting, playing pranks, not a care in the world. I knew almost every character when I was growing up, and it's likely you do too. A lot of beer and grass in this film, some hot girls, a fight, some cursing, badass muscle cars, Ben Affleck looking like a jackass...what's not to like? Linklater doesn't let the mood get too deep--every once in awhile, someone mumbles a drunken diatribe against "rules" or "being who you are" ("You gotta do what Randall `Pink' Floyd wants to do.")--but instead is content and lets his talented young cast roam the screen. And what a knack for picking talent Linklater demonstrates; familiar faces include Matthew McConaughey (as party boy Wooderson), Ben Affleck, Cole Hauser (2 FAST 2 FURIOUS), Nicky Katt (BOSTON PUBLIC), Adam Goldberg, Parker Posey, Rory Cochrane (CSI: MIAMI), Milla Jovovich (RESIDENT EVIL). I'm really impressed with Jason London in the film, and it surprises me that he hasn't had more of a career. I think he represents a strong, likable, decent leading man, excellent as the BMOC with a sensitive side who likes to party and fool around. It's a more complex character than you might think, and London pulls it off very well. DAZED also has a kickass soundtrack that includes "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith, "Slow Ride" by Foghat, "Rock and Roll All Night" by KISS, "School's Out" by Alice Cooper, "Jim Dandy" by Black Oak Arkansas, "Fox on the Run" by The Sweet, "Low Rider" by War, "Free Ride" by Edgar Winter and plenty more. In 1976, I was a few years younger than the characters in DAZED, but these songs still bring back memories of hearing them on WLS, back when they kicked major ass with on-air talent like Larry Lujack and Fred Winston.

By the way, a shout out to my good man Todd Woodman/Wooderson, probably the U.S.P.S.'s only mail carrier with a degree in Philosophy. Glad to know he's reading the site on occasion. It puts more pressure on me to be entertaining and interesting; he's a smart guy, a good writer, and a ruthless critic.

One other film today: PLATO'S RUN, a direct-to-video action movie with Gary Busey. It's not particularly good, but Busey almost always gives you something interesting to look at, even when he's walking through a part, as he has a tendency to do. He's not wildly convincing as an action star, but he's having a good time screwing around with Steven Bauer (SCARFACE) as his partner. Roy Scheider is slumming as the heavy, and Jeff Speakman (THE PERFECT WEAPON) pops up for 10-15 minutes; I imagine they could only afford him for two or three days work.

I have about finished THE ESSENTIAL IRON FIST, VOL. 1, a collection of about 30 early appearances by Marvel's Iron Fist superhero, a mystical martial artist in a green-and-gold costume. I really dig Marvel's superhero comics of the 1970's; it was a time of immense creative freedom among Marvel's bullpen of wildly imaginative writers and artists, who frequently came up with some far-out and even cosmic concepts. It's hard to imagine Howard the Duck or Killraven being created by today's fanboy coalition of comics creators. The Iron Fist books (he had his own title for 15 issues, written by Chris Claremont and penciled by John Byrne) are not top-tier Marvel, but are really entertaining, fast-moving action tales that emphasize the kung-fu fad that was so prevalent at the time. Truthfully, Marvel's SHANG-CHI, MASTER OF KUNG FU book from that period is much better; in fact, it's one of Marvel's best with wild Bondian plots by Doug Moench and realistically rendered "sets" and action scenes drawn by Paul Gulacy and later by the late Gene Day. I have no idea why Marvel has released an ESSENTIALS volume of Iron Fist and not Shang-Chi, which I would imagine would be better received.

No one seemed to care too much about my Top Ten DVDs list, but out of sheer stubbornness, I continue my year-end lists with the year's worst in film:

The Ten Worst Films of 2004 (Alphabetically, except one)

BROKEN LIZARD'S CLUB DREAD--I was a huge fan of SUPER TROOPERS, which made Broken Lizard's follow-up that much more disappointing. OK, Jordan Ladd is topless in this film, but I can't find much to recommend it beyond that. Broken Lizard is making DUKES OF HAZZARD next, which could be either brilliant or awful. Casting Johnny Knoxville, Stifler and Jessica Simpson is not a good sign. Casting Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg...maybe.

HOME ON THE RANGE--Disney somehow blew $100 million on this lame animated feature, its 45th and final hand-drawn film. It casts Rosanne as a cow. The jokes practically write themselves, don't they?

JERSEY GIRL--I'm a Kevin Smith fan, but this middling soppy sitcom is a real disappointment. I've been urging Smith to grow up for years, and even though this is a step away from his View Askew-niverse films, he has yet to make a movie as smart as he is.

THE LADYKILLERS--The star of BOSOM BUDDIES and the writer/directors of THE BIG LEBOWSKI team up for a frighteningly dull black comedy. If there's a worse actor than Marlon Wayans making films today, I don't want to see him.

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW--Devoid of original ideas and awash in an ugly yellow fog that made it nigh impossible to even see what was happening. Perhaps it's the arrogance I despised, that filmmakers could believe all one needs to make a good film are performers, a green screen and a Mac.

SUSPECT ZERO--A plodding serial killer thriller obviously inspired by THE X-FILES, but without that series' style, smarts and star power. Carrie-Anne Moss is not a good actress, and I doubt Aaron Eckhart can carry a film.

TAKING LIVES--Few recent comedies have had laughs as big as what I received from this boring and stupid serial-killer thriller. Not even Angelina Jolie naked could propel this out of the bottom ten. I despise lazy films that assume its audience is composed of morons.

TWISTED--Guess what...another bad serial-killer thriller. This one wastes a good cast and a great director, Philip Kaufman. Maybe if Ashley Judd had gotten naked...

WILD THINGS 2--I know, I know. What did I expect? What's frustrating is that the screenplay gets carried away with itself, offering up so many plot twists that you realize at the end of the movie that it was a waste of time, that the scam perpetrated was completely unnecessary and negates the purpose of the film.

And The Absolute Worst

VAN HELSING--Worst Film of the 21st Century, so far. Sloppy and boring with amateurish CGI effects and an egregious contempt for its audience. So insulting that it blows up a damn stagecoach to keep our attention spans sated. How the hell could that happen; is it gas-powered, Stephen Sommers, you moron? Still, I appear to be the only person on the planet pissed off about that idiotic exploding stagecoach, so maybe people were too busy sleeping to complain.

Mood: Unrelenting Despair
We move into Day 5 of the New Year, and still not a ray of sunshine. Ye flippin' gods...

Something that does bring me joy is the surprising (to some) success of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE on DVD. A friend who works at Borders commented last night that they were having trouble keeping this film in stock, they keep selling it out. That's not unusual; there have been reports all over the country of NAPOLEON selling out. The reason, as I understand it, is that Fox underpressed this title--they didn't make enough copies, I guess because they didn't expect it to sell as it has. I don't know why, unless Fox has never had a conversation with anybody who has seen it. Although I've run across an occasional dissenting opinion, the vast majority of reviews and--even more importantly for a small film like this one--word of mouth has been positive. People are always looking for a good comedy for their DVD collection--something that's compatible for repeat viewing--and it doesn't surprise me that NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is so successful. I suppose it doesn't even surprise me that Fox is surprised.

Fuck UPS
Mood:  irritated
You heard me. Fuck those jagoffs. No way you'll catch me using UPS again. Not only did their gross incompetence (which they admit to) cost me a package and likely some money, but their feeble attempt at customer service consists of, "Sorry, there's nothing we can do about it."

This is a long story, and I'll try to tell it as best I can without shouting. To set it up, I purchased an item...OK, an Atari 2600 from a guy on eBay. We'll refer to them as Item and Seller, `cause it's much easier that way. The price was $11 for the item and $14.75 for UPS Ground shipping. No problem. I pay the guy through PayPal, he takes the item to a UPS Store, it gets delivered to me on 12/16. Except I'm at work when the item comes, so the driver leaves it on my porch.

According to the UPS Web site, drivers do not leave packages on your porch. They are quite clear on their Delivery Attempts FAQ on what happens if you aren't home. They leave you a note and you can make arrangements to pick up the package or have it delivered to another address. According to their phone reps, they especially do not leave them at apartment houses on porches with major visibility in busy neighborhoods. I live in an apartment house on a busy street less than 100 feet from a bus stop, a house with a porch with no fence, railing or shrubbery to conceal anything resting on it from a block away. According to the phone reps--but NOT their official FAQ--drivers have the option of leaving the package if they deem it safe. Only an idiot would think my porch was safe.

Needless to say, I did not receive the package. Likely somebody walked past the house, saw a large box on the porch, figured it was a Xmas present, and wandered off with it.

I called UPS after checking the Web site with my tracking number and discovering it had already been delivered. They said basically at that time they would do an investigation that would take 5-7 business days. The investigation should have lasted 5-7 minutes; all they had to do was ask the driver, "Did you leave that box on the porch, you dumb shit?"

After five days I called back, and they told me to call in two more days.

Two days later, I called to be told that the investigation was complete, but they couldn't talk to me about it because I was not their "customer". Even though I paid for the item, paid for the shipping, and was the recipient of the item, I was not their customer and they did not answer to me. Instead, I would have to contact the seller for all information. This clearly makes no sense whatsoever, but I did it. I sent the seller an email politely asking what happened with the investigation.

His answer: "I really dont know what to say. UPS said it was put on the pourch." (sic) And that's it.

I email him back, again politely, and say basically, "Yes, I know that, but what else did they say? Are they going to refund any money?"

I get an answer yesterday: "You are going to have to give me some time on this matter." End of message.

Crap.

What does that mean? Time for what? Just answer my question, jag. What. Did. They. Say?

So tonight after work, I called UPS again and was determined to get some kind of absolute answer. None of this "you aren't our customer, we can't deal with you, contact your seller for information" b.s.

After a half-hour, I got no further really than "you aren't our customer, we can't deal with you, contact your seller for information".

Here's how it works...and, please, if I am missing the logic of this UPS policy, tell me, because it makes no sense to me at all.

Their investigation was "negative"--meaning they didn't find the package. Well, no shit, I knew that was going to happen, because some thief in Champaign is playing with it right now. What I found out later in the conversation is that the investigation consisted of the driver coming back to my house three times and "looking" for the package. He rang my doorbell and looked at the porch. Of course, no one bothered to tell me about this; if they had, I could have arranged to be home when he showed up or to have someone call me at work or something. Instead, he just shows up, looks on the porch, "Nope, still not here," goes back to the Urbana UPS office and writes a report, I guess.

Since the investigation turned up negative, UPS files a claim. They send the claim to the UPS Store from where the package was sent. They did this the first time on 12/28. It was ignored; no one knows why. They send a second claim this week.

Now, for this claim to be processed, the UPS Store has to contact the seller. The seller, who has done his job successfully weeks ago, has to provide the UPS Store with "information", what kind, I have no idea. The catch is that, if the seller, for whatever reason, refuses to cooperate with the claim, I am screwed. There is nothing UPS can do for me, so they claim. That's it. I am totally at the mercy of some anonymous stranger in Florida who has nothing whatsoever to gain by going to the extra trouble of aiding this procedure. Even though the item that was lost was mine--I paid for it. I paid for the shipping. But since the seller physically sent the package from the UPS Store and handed them the money that I provided, he is their customer and I am nobody.

Let's say he does cooperate. The claim goes through, and money is refunded. Do they send me the money?

Hell, no.

The refund, in the unlikely case it is provided, goes to the seller. Who has the responsibility to send it to me. Again, a total stranger, who shouldn't even be involved in the entire transaction, has to send to me free money that he finds in his mailbox. What is to prevent the guy from pocketing the dough and saying to me, "Gee, sorry, it never arrived"?

Does this make any fucking sense to anybody?

And all I get from UPS is, "I apologize. I wish I could help. That's the way it works. There's nothing more I can do."

Well, that's bullshit, they could sure as hell cut me a check for $25.75 and mail it to me. How much did UPS gross in 2004? I'm sure they can afford $25.75.

I understand that, if I buy Tolemite a gift and send it to him UPS with my money, I should be considered the customer. That makes sense. But in this case, the item belongs to me. I bought it. And then I paid for the shipping. The seller paid for nothing. He's just a messenger. Which brings to mind, what if I asked a friend to do me a favor and drop off my package at UPS? Who's the customer then--me, whose package it is, or my friend, who isn't involved in the transaction at all besides just dropping it off on his way home?

I begged the UPS phone rep for just a small morsel of something. I just wanted them to say, "We screwed up. Let us make it up to you." That's all I wanted to hear--"let us make it up to you". I even asked him what more I could do--how could I take an active part in the process, who could I talk to, how can I make something happen? Answer: nothing.

Is that too much to ask? For a multimillion-dollar company, who screwed up, who admits that it screwed up, who freely admits that my suffering is due to their negligence, to make an effort to fix the situation? I even asked, "Why should I ever use UPS Ground again? What are you doing to make me happy and want to use your service again?" He didn't answer me.

UPS made no effort--NO effort--to placate me. And, in fact, the only way that I can ever be placated is if some stranger 1000 miles away finds the strength in his heart to go an extra mile, for no benefit to him, fill out some claim at the UPS Store, fully participate in the entire transaction, and then send me a refund who-knows-how-long down the road. If this guy dies or moves away or just plain doesn't feel like lifting a finger, that's it--UPS is $14.75 richer, and didn't do jack to earn it.

I'm screwed.

Actually, I was so pissed off that I had to leave the house (after ranting to Tolemite; thanks for being there for me, man), so I went to Borders and bought $60 worth of DVDs. Borders is having a Buy 3, Get 1 Free sale, so I picked up PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING, THE DEADLY SPAWN, RED HEAT and the DAZED & CONFUSED/FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH twin-pack (which counts as one). Five films for $53 + tax...not bad, really.

I was gonna post my Ten Worst Films of 2004 tonight, but I'm sure you've read enough for one day. In fact, I highly doubt anybody is reading this sentence and all, and I doubt, judging from my Comments section, any more than five people have ever read this blog.

Time to work on not being boring while I'm not playing my Atari 2600.