D Is For New Duds
Mood:  lazy
This will be a short entry (aren't you glad?). Not much I feel like writing about tonight. Criminy, that L.A. train tragedy is awful. What really boils me is that there's no way to appropriately punish the nut who caused the accident. He tried to kill himself--twice. He hates himself and wants to die. How do you punish someone like that? I suppose the worst thing you could do is lock him away for the next 70 years with only his conscience to keep him company, but it seems unlikely that his self-loathing could get any worse. Stupid son of a bitch.

Had dinner with some Horizonites at Baker Square tonight. Excellent pie there. I accompanied Cheeseburger to the mall and ended up buying some shirts at J.C. Penney. 4 for $20. Won't I look spiffy at work tomorrow?

I'll be away from the blog this weekend. Toler, Kevin and I are attending B-Fest at Northwestern University. 24 hours of Crappy Movies. Consecutively. What a test of human endurance. NASA should subject aspiring astronauts to the same abuse. Expect a detailed posting on my B-Fest experience early next week.

Wrapping up tonight with the D's in my VHS collection:
Dangerous Prey w/ Shannon Whirry
Daniel Boone (TV series with Fess Parker)
Daredevils of the Red Circle (serial)
Dark, The
Dark Breed
Dark Descent
Darker Than Amber
Darktown Strutters
Darma (the Filipino Wonder Woman)
Date with the Falcon, A
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Day of Anger
Dead Bodies on Broadway
Dead Eyes of London (1961)
Deadliest Art: The Best of the Martial Arts Films, The
Deadly China Doll (Angela Mao Ying!)
Deadly Force
Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts (incredible)
Death and Diamonds
Death Rides a Horse
Death Ship (George Kennedy)
Death Weekend
Death Wish 4: The Crackdown
Death Wish 5: The Face of Death
Delvecchio
Dennis Miller Show, The (late-night talk show)
Desperate
Detectives, The
Detonator
Detour
Devil Thumbs a Ride, The
Devil Times Five
Devil's Eight, The
Devils Three
Devil's Undead, The
Diabolical Axe, The
Dial 1119
Diamond Men
Dick Tracy (serial)
Diggstown
Direct Hit
Dirty Mary Crazy Larry
Dirty Pictures
Dixie Dynamite
Doctor of Doom
Doctor X
Don't Go In the House
Don't Torture A Duckling
Door with Seven Locks
Double Garden, The
Double Jeopardy (1970)
Dr. Black & Mr.Hyde
Dr. Frankenstein on Campus
Dr. Phibes Rises Again
Dragnet '67
Dragnet '69
Dragon Hunt
Dragon Lives Again, The
Drive (widescreen Director's Cut)
Drum
Duel of Fists
Dukes of Hazzard, The (one episode)
Dungeonmaster, The

Goodnight, Johnny
Now Playing: THE TONIGHT SHOW
Jay Leno had a very classy show tonight, a one-hour tribute to former TONIGHT SHOW host Johnny Carson that included some of the King of Late Night's oldest friends: Ed McMahon, Don Rickles and Bob Newhart. Each man sat with Jay, shared some memories of Johnny, and watched some great clips, just a handful of the hundreds of memorable moments generated in Carson's 30-year reign. Many of them I've seen a dozen times if I've seen them once--the Ed Ames tomahawk toss, Johnny leaping from a tiger's lunge straight into Ed's outstretched arms, Johnny storming the CPO SHARKEY set to chew out Rickles for breaking his wooden cigarette box (and for Toler, Johnny fighting a monkey!)--but they each seemed different this time around, like perhaps they're going into the vault for good. Drew Carey talked about his first TONIGHT SHOW appearance and introduced clips of other comedians' first TONIGHT spot (David Letterman was one); this collection of clips was taken from an old anniversary show, but considering how difficult it must have been to prepare this show on such short notice, I don't begrudge them that fact. Some of the clips tonight I had never seen before, including a very funny bit between Rickles and Frank Sinatra.

Letterman is in repeats this week, and it will be interesting to see what kind of tribute he puts together for Monday. While Leno's show tonight was a dignified, high-class affair, it also seemed dry; perhaps everyone was all cried out. I expect Letterman, who had a closer relationship with Carson than Leno, to present something much more personal.

One other thing of note about Carson's TONIGHT SHOW. It was also the last bastion of old-fashioned big-band, swing and jazz music on network television. Doc Severinsen and his NBC Orchestra, quite simply, kicked ass every night, starting off with Johnny's memorable theme and thumping their way through every commercial break with class and style. It's unlikely we'll ever hear the likes of them again with any regularity in late night.

Farewell to the King
Mood:  down
Now Playing: THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON

The King of Late Night is dead.

Johnny Carson, who hosted NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW for 30 years until hanging up his crown in 1992, passed away this morning of emphysema. He was 79.

I was a big fan of Carson's when I was a kid, and he may have been the first comedian that I really noticed, not just in terms of what he said, but how he said it. Like a lot of boys, I became interested in comedy, especially when I learned that I could make other kids laugh. One of my influences was Carson, whose monologue I used to listen to after my folks sent me to bed. Our house was very small, and the bedroom I shared with my brother had no door, so I would lay awake and listen to Johnny's monologue most nights before falling asleep. At school the next day, I would try to pass his jokes off as mine, not that most 11-year-olds are hip to gags about Jimmy Carter and the oil crisis. There was a TONIGHT SHOW "Best Of" comedy album I nearly wore the grooves out of, and I also became fans of some of his characters like Floyd R. Turbo ("American") and Carnac the Magnificent.

As I grew older, I became impressed with the history behind the show and the wide breadth of guests who appeared on it. For instance, Johnny's first TONIGHT SHOW on October 1, 1962 offered Joan Crawford, Groucho Marx, Rudy Vallee, Tony Bennett and Mel Brooks. On one 105-minute show! You couldn't get star power like that on a week of Lenos and Lettermans, especially in an era where Ashton Kutcher makes the guest list. And it wasn't just movie stars who appeared. Politicians, authors, zookeepers, musicians, comedians...can you imagine folks like David Susskind coming onto one of the late-night shows today?

Johnny's main skill as a host--one that neither Leno nor the great David Letterman have--is the ability to put his own ego aside and let his guests shine. He was a marvelous comedian, but also a great straight man. He liked to get laughs, but you got the feeling that he enjoyed it more when the folks sitting to his right got laughs. He was folksy, yet hip; boyish, yet sophisticated. And when I first became a radio DJ, Carson's style was one that I sought to emulate.

It's a pity THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON (as it came to be titled) can't be seen in syndication, and a bigger pity that NBC threw away the tapes from the show's first ten years on the air. After leaving in 1992, Johnny's TV appearances were very few, mostly limited to a handful of wordless walk-ons with David Letterman, whom he always considered the true successor to his throne.

I taped Johnny's final two TONIGHT SHOWS when they aired in May 1992, and took the opportunity to rewatch them today (as well as dub them to DVD). It was a bit sad watching him say goodbye, especially as he mentioned his late son Rick. While he often joked about his many marriages (and divorces), Carson's private life was rarely mentioned on the show, and that he took a final opportunity to talk about his sons meant that he must have been as overwhelmed about leaving THE TONIGHT SHOW as we were in watching him go.

And tonight we say goodbye for good.

The Man Without Fear or The Movie Without Thrills
Mood:  down
Now Playing: DAREDEVIL
I finally got around to watching DAREDEVIL this afternoon. I wasn't very excited about it, but Csiki lent me his Director's Cut DVD, claiming it was much better than the reviled theatrical version. It makes me wonder how bad it was originally. This version suffers from maddening inconsistencies in character and plot that distracted me from the heavy-handed dramatics. For instance, Elektra witnesses Bullseye's murder of her father, but is somehow convinced Daredevil is the culprit. Characters who are human and possess no superpowers per se are somehow able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and fall great distances without injury. At one point, Daredevil loses his baton/grappling hook, yet is somehow able to use it to make his escape. Bullseye emphatically demands a costume from his employer, yet the next time we see him, he isn't wearing one.

Much of DAREDEVIL's failure rests on its cast. Colin Farrell's performance as the assassin Bullseye is beyond awful, mincing and preening like a Puerto Rican drag queen on Ecstasy. It's not even consistent with his character, who wouldn't last very long as a high-paid hitman the way he stands out in a crowd. As an actress, Jennifer Garner, who plays Elektra, is about as deep as a Very Special Episode of SAVED BY THE BELL, whereas Ben Affleck is a light comic leading man who lacks the gravitas appropriate to portray a wounded loner obsessed with revenge. Plus, I think it should be a rule that, if you play a superhero, you have to be able to kick my ass. Affleck is about as menacing as Shields and Yarnell.

My pop culture metaphors are off the charts today.

I found out this morning that Johnny Carson has passed away. I immediately called my friend Jerome in Florida. Next to me, he's the biggest Carson fan I know. He had already heard the news on CNN this morning, and we were lamenting the fact that NBC, a network partially built upon Carson's stature as host of THE TONIGHT SHOW for 30 years, one of the most important and influential figures in the history of television, hadn't even deigned to run a crawl announcing his passing.

More on Johnny later. I want to rewatch his last two TONIGHT SHOWS, which I haven't seen since they aired in 1992.

Man Vs. Bear in Kung Fu Fight to the Death
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: KARATE BEAR FIGHTER
From the "Now I've Seen Everything" Department: yesterday I put in a healthy 87 minutes or so watching Sonny Chiba in the 1977 Japanese action film KARATE BEAR FIGHTER. As the not-so-subtle title indicates, yes, indeed, Chiba does fight a bear in this movie. And why shouldn't he, since this is a sequel to KARATE BULL FIGHTER (which I reviewed on Marty's Marquee as CHAMPION OF DEATH, the title under which it played U.S. theaters) in which he battled a snorting bull, literally taking the beast by its horns in a ferocious geyser of splashing blood.

Japanese action star Chiba starred in a series of loosely biographical films about a karate expert named Masutatsu Oyama. It's hard to believe Oyama's real life was anywhere near as colorful as it appears in these films, which are better remembered for their frequent fight scenes than for their somewhat incoherent storylines and fractured editing. I doubt Oyama actually fought bulls and bears, although he kicks the asses of so many people that you could understand why he might want more of a challenge.

Chiba was known as "The Incredible Sonny Chiba" when THE STREETFIGHTER hit American shores in 1975. THE STREETFIGHTER, which was followed by three sequels, all currently available on DVD, was the first movie to receive an X rating for violence by the MPAA, as Sonny crushed, snapped, gouged and bloodied half of Japan in his thirst for vengeance. It's also incredibly entertaining, and was a huge influence on Quentin Tarantino, who not only sent Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette to a Chiba triple-bill in TRUE ROMANCE, but also cast Chiba in KILL BILL, VOL. 1 as Hattori Hanzo, the wizened swordmaker who crafts Uma Thurman's perfect killing blade.

I wish there were more movies out with titles like KARATE BEAR FIGHTER. Who would not be interested in seeing something like that? I actually had a 20-minute discussion with a woman at a party last night about KARATE BEAR FIGHTER. She was more concerned with the events prior in the film that led up to Sonny fighting a bear, whereas my argument was along the lines of, "Who cares? It's a karate man fighting a bear in hand-to-hand combat. What difference does it make how they got to this point? What's important is that, well, it's a man fighting a bear!" I continued to press her--"Let's say you're home alone, clicking channels on the TV, and you come across a man fighting a bear. Do you watch it or keep clicking?" She claims she would keep clicking. I claim this is a Pay Per View event certain to make somebody a millionaire. And while I was watching Sonny slaughter half of Japan, she was home watching Josh Hartnett movies. I would pay $29.95 to see Sonny Chiba fight Josh Hartnett. To the death, of course.

Snowblind
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: THAT MAN BOLT
What a full day and it's not even 3pm yet. For some reason, I haven't slept all that great the past few days, so I was up shortly after 8am. I have updated Marty's Marquee only twice this year so far, so I wrote a bunch of reviews this morning to post next week. It was snowing pretty good in Champaign this morning, so I would have preferred to stay in, but I had no food, and thus I ventured forth to Sam's Club. I had not shopped at Sam's in several years, but it was nice to know that not much has changed. I still find it amusing that, right next to the frozen Tyson chicken breasts, you can plop a clearance-priced widescreen TV in your cart and wheel them to the checkout counter.

I haven't written much of substance since I began this blog a month ago. I mostly leave the political stuff to Tolemite, but I occasionally pop up in the Comments section on his blog and on Cheeseburger's. The current political situation in the U.S. is so depressing right now. It seems so obvious to anyone with common sense that our nation's leaders are dangerous, arrogant fools, yet we're powerless, as last year's election proved, to do anything to stop them. It would be nigh impossible for any American president to perform his duties with less competence than George W. Bush did during his first term, yet he still got re-elected. Look forward to four more years of war, hatred, class resentment, inflation, and hostile former allies.

Instead I'll tell you about THAT MAN BOLT, which I finally got to see on Universal's new DVD. BOLT contains a lot of chasing, fighting and shooting, jumping from Hong Kong to Los Angeles to Las Vegas back to Hong Kong, but, unfortunately, it feels a bit lifeless except for the grinning charm of its star, the great blaxploitation actor Fred "The Hammer" Williamson (so named because of his trademark as an NFL cornerback of "hammering" his opponents with a hard forearm). The Hammer is Jefferson Bolt, a professional courier who is blackmailed into transporting a million bucks from Hong Kong to Mexico City. He never makes it south of the American border, as he is waylaid at LAX and discovers the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist contains what he believes to be counterfeit cash. Ranald McDougall's screenplay lost me on occasion, but Bolt eventually ends up back where he started, invading the island stronghold of a Japanese gangster named Yamada and blowing stuff up just like he does at the end of THREE THE HARD WAY.

Give credit to Universal for not steeping BOLT in a bunch of blaxploitation clich?s; with just a few dialogue tweaks, BOLT could just as easily have starred Robert Wagner. More energy and perhaps a bit more budget would have improved this film a lot, although it was nice to finally see it.

The effervescent Teresa Graves sings a couple of tunes as Fred's sacrificial lamb. Graves was a sweet and very sexy singer and actress who was quite popular during the early 1970's as a regular on LAUGH-IN, afternoon talk shows, and her single-season cop show, GET CHRISTIE LOVE!, where she popularized her catchphrase, "You're under arrest, sugar!" Graves was reportedly a very nice woman and a religious one who finally left a Hollywood industry that was more interested in her body than her talent. She sadly died in a house fire in 2002. She's missed.

I've been reading Ellery Queen lately. I have always been a very big reader, a habit that was encouraged by my folks when I was a kid. Particularly my mother, who also was a reader and never hesitated to pick up something for my brother and me to read when she could. She also got us involved in the local library, which was located just two blocks from our house. It's a habit that has never died; even when I was in college, I would carry a book to class to get in a few pages before class started. My apartment is too small to accomodate my current collection, much of which is stacked up against walls. I have more than 2000 comics and several hundred paperbacks and hardcovers. I'd say at least 90% of my collection is comprised of four categories: A) non-fiction books about film and television, B) contemporary mass-market paperback mysteries, crime dramas and courtroom thrillers, C) older mysteries and pulp adventures, and D) comic books and trade paperbacks. I also have several boxes filled with magazines that I just can't bear to get rid of. Ellery Queen belongs in category C, along with Perry Mason, Lew Archer, Shell Scott, Nero Wolfe, Matt Helm, 87th Precinct, etc. I enjoy the process of collecting clues, just like the detectives do, and the challenge of fitting them together to solve the mystery. Unlike most of today's TV mysteries like CSI, where the crimes are usually solved through wild coincidence or a deux es machina in the fourth act, authors like Queen made an effort to craft a mystery that would hold water.

Some contemporary writers do this too, but I find more comfort in older literature, for some reason. I still read the latest by Nelson DeMille, Jonathan Kellerman and Ed McBain when I can get my hands on them, but James Patterson, for instance, leaves me cold. Cheeseburger lent me some of his books to sample, but after getting through about 1/3 of two of them, put them down. They weren't hooking me, although they're solid enough, I suppose. I certainly see why they were popular enough for Hollywood to take notice, although an adaptation of a Kellerman Alex Delaware novel, with, say, Alec Baldwin starring, could be a hit if any studio would dare attempt it. Considering the awful original thrillers Hollywood has produced lately (TAKING LIVES, TWISTED, SUSPECT ZERO among them), I don't see how they could lose by adapting a good story that has already been written.

Why All the Sitting Around?
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: LOST
Whew...for some reason, I'm really feeling beat tonight. I planned to stay in, but Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter came to pick me up, and we joined the gang at Guido's for Libby's last night in town. I spent some time chatting up a lovely young woman, which was great fun, even though Cheeseburger gave me just five minutes to get ready, so I had to make do without shaving and changing my shirt.

I finished watching this week's LOST when I got home. Seriously, I don't get the acclaim this show is getting. Every episode follows the same formula, which is A) something strange happens to one of the characters, who refuses to share it with the rest of the castaways, B) we get a flashback into one of the character's pre-crash life, which is always some elaborate and unbelievable backstory--apparently there were no tourists, businessmen or just regular Joes on that Sydney-to-NY flight, C) somebody needs something, can't find it, and threaten/blackmail/beg the sly ol' Southern conman to get it back, D) at least two characters have a fight or argument over something stupid. Right now, I'm frustrated because, a few episodes back, a crazy dude who wasn't on the plane with everyone else showed up and kidnapped a pregnant woman. You would think that the castaways would be beating the bushes searching for her until they got her back. And a handful of them did just that in one episode. But now I guess they're content to sit around the beach on their asses while the psycho tortures and abuses her. Does it not bother any of LOST's huge audience that these apathetic characters are sitting around twiddling their thumbs while one of them is a kidnap victim? Heck, doesn't it bother any of you that none of them seems interested in exploring the island? How do they know there isn't a major city just a few miles down the beach? They've made a few minor explorations around the island, but haven't covered much of it, at least as far as they know. Yeah, yeah, there's a monster out there (oh, brother), but wouldn't you take the chance? Some of LOST's performances are fine, but I haven't found a shred of believability in most of the main characters, and in fact I find them pretty shallow.

The major exception is the Locke character portrayed by Terry O'Quinn, a wonderful actor who oozes strength, nobility, confidence, mystery, wisdom and humanity. I know--big buildup--but O'Quinn is worth it. You may remember him from Chris Carter's TV series, particularly his semi-regular role on MILLENNIUM as Lance Henriksen's friend/partner/rival/nemesis Peter Watts. He was also THE STEPFATHER, which is a damned effective little horror movie.

Anyway, I'd love to hear some feedback on LOST. Like BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, LOST is an acclaimed genre series whose charms seems to have zipped right over my head. What are you getting out of LOST that I'm not?

I finished watching ROAD RAGE tonight, a 2000 direct-to-video action movie starring Casper Van Dien. To be blunt, Van Dien, whom you'll remember from STARSHIP TROOPERS, has no business making movies. He's completely worthless as an actor, and his oddly orange hair is a distraction. He plays an underprivileged guy who breaks up a fight between a college classmate and her boyfriend, and while giving her a ride home, ends up in a film-length car chase with a psycho in a pickup truck who's trying to kill them. ROAD RAGE has some execrable dialogue, spoken by actors barely above the level of high-school play. The low-budget chases aren't particularly interesting either, and Casper's older wife, Catherine Oxenberg (you remember her from either DYNASTY, LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM or, if you were here on Crappy Movie Night, TIME SERVED, a womens' prison flick where she played a convict/stripper) has a cameo as a forest ranger. I'd rather watch TIME SERVED again. And so would you.

I'll Tell Ya Sometime
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13
Showed the John Carpenter original to Cheeseburger, Panno and Salva tonight in anticipation of the remake. One aspect of Carpenter's film that I like is its lean storytelling. You just know that the new version is going to have tons of plot, too many characters, and a barrage of loud automatic gunfire. Carpenter rachets up the suspense by giving us only as much information as we need to know (which is more than the characters have, another method of building tension) and by slowly developing each of the major characters before they arrive at the precinct house. Some of the performances are a bit laconic, but we do get to know these characters, we like them, and we want them to survive. Carpenter also supplies his faceless villains with silencers; one of his most effective scenes features a bunch of cops getting gunned down by silent bullets, as you just hear the thwip-thwip of slugs penetrating chests and bodies falling to the ground. That's a much creepier concept than giving the heavies personalities and arming them with heavy artillery, as you can bet the remake does.

It's also interesting to see Austin Stoker playing the leading role of Bishop, the police lieutenant in charge of keeping everyone alive. Outside of the blaxploitation genre, there were very few black leading men who were active in major Hollywood features at that time. Stoker was a good, solid actor who got to play somewhat looser in the very rare COMBAT COPS aka PANIC CITY (the title of my British X-rated print), in which he played a macho cop seeking a racist serial killer in blackface. He would have been a terrific lead in a TV cop show.

Not many people saw PRECINCT during its original release, and it continued to be a relative sleeper for many years afterward. My brother and I saw it on home video back in the '80s and became big fans of it, turning on friends to it whenever possible. Over the last decade or so, PRECINCT appears to have built a fan base; it has been released twice on DVD. Quentin Tarantino is reportedly a fan, probably because of Carpenter's terse screenplay filled with black humor and many homages to his favorite childhood movies.

I also watched a 1984 interview with Carpenter from a Canadian talk show. In it, he mentions an idea he had back in the 1970's for a western that would have starred John Wayne and Elvis Presley! He even had talks with Wayne's son Michael about it, but The Duke's health was too far gone at that point; he and Presley died about a year apart. It seems unlikely that Carpenter, based only on the strength of his first film, DARK STAR, and ASSAULT (and, to be fair, his Oscar-winning short subject BRONCO BILLY), would have enough juice to interest The Duke and The King, but it unquestionably would have been an interesting film.

Also on tonight's agenda was ARENA, an Empire picture made around the time of ROBOT JOX. It's not terribly interesting, pitting a human against extraterrestrials in futuristic intergalactic boxing matches. Claudia Christian of BABYLON 5 plays a major role in it, and Richard Band's score is characteristically good. And that's about all I can say for Arena, which looks cheap and has little spectacle.

Who's Meeting Me at B-Fest?
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: DARK DESCENT
A hearty thanks to Tolemite, who worked the phone lines this afternoon and snared tickets for him, me and Kevin to attend B-Fest January 28 and 29. B-Fest is an annual 24-hour marathon of crappy movies held at Northwestern University's student center. Imagine sitting in an auditorium watching 15 consecutive movies, plus shorts, subsisting on a steady stream of Red Can (Coca-Cola), bologna sandwiches, Hostess products, Fritos and water. Sounds great, huh? No question, B-Fest is a test of human endurance. You try keeping your eyelids open at 5:30am while THE SLIME PEOPLE plays and see how you do. I've never forgiven myself for nodding off during SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS last year; it's unlikely I'll get another chance to see it anytime soon.

Here's the 2005 crop of films. It's a darned good list. I've seen all but five, and each should provide some solid laughs.

ISLAND OF TERROR--Peter Cushing fights alien rock monsters on a British island
THE APPLE--Cannon produced this notorious disco/glam/rock musical that has become celebrated for its awfulness
THE SWARM--"There's no bee there. I promise."
THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME (short)--Mike Jittlov's incredible short film is an annual favorite
PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE--"Day! Night! Tor! Bela! Not Bela!"
BLACK BELT JONES--Jim Kelly is The Man
BEAUTY AND THE ROBOT--Better known as SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE with the pulchritudinous Mamie Van Doren
DEATH WISH 3--Bronson!
PROJECT MOONBASE--Robert Heinlein wrote this one
3 NINJAS: HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN--Actually 3 NINJAS IV, it played theaters and stars Hulk Hogan (!), Loni Anderson in boots (!!) and Jim Varney!!!
ROBOT MONSTER--A robot monkey monster alien from outer space
CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH--I'm not much of a Troma fan
LASSIE: THE ADVENTURES OF NEEKA--Edited from episodes of the '60s color TV episodes
ICE PIRATES--Bob Urich fights a space herpe
EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS--Harryhausen!
BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO--Ozone! Turbo! Special K (what a fox)!

This will be my fourth B-Fest with Kevin and third with Toler. I wrote journals on past B-Fests for the old Mobius site, but those archives have been lost. Trust me when I say it's a great time. If watching Charlie Bronson punch holes in punks' chests at 4:45am is your bag, that is.

Speaking of chest-hole punching, Dean Cain stars in DARK DESCENT, which I caught tonight before and after 24. Believe it or not, this Bulgarian-lensed direct-to-video thriller is a ripoff of OUTLAND, which was itself a ripoff of HIGH NOON. I like Cain, but DARK DESCENT is pretty dismal. It does offer one thing I've never seen before though. The setting is an underwater mining colony. One character goes nutzoid and drills a hole in the wall of his quarters. Water bursts through the hole, but the colony's sensors quickly seal that room off by slamming shut its circular doors. But before the door to the corridor can completely shut, a jet stream of water bursts through the tiny circular opening with such force that it shoots clear through a guy's back and out his chest like an arrow. Never seen anyone impaled by water before. It might even be cooler than the baddie in DRIVE who flicks a quarter clean through some dude's throat and imbeds it in the wall behind him. Now that's "flippin'" sweet. Literally.

Lay Off, Baby, I Got Work To Do
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: THREE THE HARD WAY
If you saw this poster hanging in a theater lobby, wouldn't you make an effort to see this movie?

Damn right you would.

THREE THE HARD WAY brings together for the first time three of the biggest badasses in blaxploitation history: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, Jim Brown and Jim Kelly. Brown and Williamson had been successfully starring in black action films such as SLAUGHTER, HAMMER and BLACK CAESAR for a couple of years, although Brown had enjoyed a slight mainstream career in major studio films like THE DIRTY DOZEN and 100 RIFLES. Kelly had made a splash the year before in 1973 as Bruce Lee and John Saxon's co-star in ENTER THE DRAGON.

THREE THE HARD WAY is one of my favorite blaxploitation flicks. Despite its frequent padding, sloppy production values and confusing script, it offers up tons of action and a ridiculously campy premise that add up to a wild combination of sub-budget Bond film and Marvel superhero comic. A wealthy white supremacist named Mr. Feather (the always fey Jay Robinson) concocts a plan to exterminate America's black population by poisoning the water supply of several major cities with a deadly chemical that only affects African-Americans. Record producer Brown, PR man Williamson and karate teacher Kelly stumble onto Robinson's operation when Brown's girlfriend (Sheila Frazier) is kidnapped and attempt to destroy it. All three leads are given properly heroic introductions, then, after damaging Robinson's plot in a series of solo adventures, team up to destroy the villains compound in a colorful Bondian climax. Lots of stuntmen with machine guns and red berets are wiped out and many cars explode. The shootouts, martial-arts battles, and stunts (performed by Hal Needham's Stunts Unlimited) are top-notch (the body count must run into triple digits) and Robinson's performance is hilariously over-the-top. You'll also see some funky '70s threads, songs by The Impressions, a senseless part for Alex Rocco as a cop who doesn't do jack, and some very hateful villains.

There's also a bizarre scene where Williamson extracts information from one of Feather's henchmen by siccing a trio of foxy topless dominatrixes on him. Sweaty, sassy and adorned only in tight leather pants, these three malicious mamas (one is played by Irene Tsu, who's still working in television) are simultaneously sensual and scary.

Scripters Eric Bercovici and Jerry Ludwig wrote dozens of HAWAII FIVE-0 episodes and later reteamed with Brown, Williamson and Kelly for the 1975 western TAKE A HARD RIDE with Lee Van Cleef. Several years later, the Beatles of Blaxploitation got together for the only time, as Richard Roundtree (SHAFT) joined Brown, Kelly and The Hammer for ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO, which Williamson directed. It's not really very good, but how can you pass up a chance to see these guys working together?