A.U.I.--Airwolf Under The Influence
Now Playing: XTRO II: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER
One could make a case that "drunken Jan-Michael Vincent movies" were a special sub-genre of exploitation movie during the '80s and '90s. In ALIENATOR and HIT LIST, for instance, the former AIRWOLF star is quite visibly plastered during his scenes. In a recent interview in SHOCK CINEMA, director John Flynn claims Vincent was an alcoholic during shooting of DEFIANCE in 1979, saying that the popular '70s leading man was insecure about his acting ability.

Vincent had some box-office cachet after CBS cancelled AIRWOLF, which found independent producers of low-budget movies eager to hire him, whether he could do the job or not, simply because they could be sure that his name in the cast list would produce sales. When British director Harry Bromley-Davenport was hired by some Canadian producers to make an "in-name-only" sequel to 1983's XTRO (New Line owned the film and characters, but Bromley-Davenport owned the word "XTRO"), Vincent, about whom the director candidly states "I didn't like him,", was already part of the deal.

Just so you know, 1991's XTRO II: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER has absolutely nothing to do with XTRO and everything to do with ALIENS, which probably inspired as many lame ripoffs as ALIEN did. Paul Koslo (MR. MAJESTYK) and Tara Buckman ("Brandy" from THE MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO) play scientists heading up a top-secret underground laboratory. Their group has discovered a way to travel to a parallel dimension, but when they send humans for the first time, only one of the travelers returns.

Under the gun from their government financiers to achieve positive results, Buckman suggests that the project's founder, played by Vincent, be brought in to help, but Koslo, who has a personal beef with the man, says no. Vincent joins the group anyway, along with a platoon of soldiers who are armed to enter the parallel dimension and search for more survivors.

That trip never happens after some sort of strange, slimy monster with big teeth rips its way out of the chest of the lone survivor and stalks the dark passageways and air ducts of the massive facility, ripping and tearing apart the inhabitants one by one. Yes, I know you've seen this movie before, we all have.

I suppose that if you absolutely must watch a movie about a giant slimy monster traipsing through dark hallways munching guys with guns, XTRO II would suffice. That is, if ALIENS, CREEPOZOIDS, ALIEN TERMINATOR, MIND RIPPER yada yada yada are all rented out. X-FILES fans may enjoy a prominent supporting performance by Nicholas "Krycek" Lea. There's a bit of gore, but nothing particularly juicy. Certainly there's little excitement or originality.

But it does have a drunk Jan-Michael Vincent. It's obvious that he was in no shape to learn lines, and Bromley-Davenport confirms my suspicion that the director was standing behind the camera giving line readings and Vincent was merely reciting them back. His voice is gravelly, and he sometimes slurs, so who knows what he's saying much of the time. A lot of his dialogue is off-camera, presumably so they could patch takes together. You can sort of see why he continued to get acting jobs, though. He was never a strong actor, but he did have that intangible "something" that made you want to look at him. And he kinda still does in XTRO II. Or maybe it's just the alcohol.

Watch Her Back (Side)
THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER is one of the more unusual films I've seen lately. Originally released in Europe in 1974, it's an Italian/Hong Kong co-production, a rare combination of the western and martial arts genres. Probably influenced by the David Carradine TV series KUNG FU, THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER is an entertaining kung fu western with a strange concept, one that is unique to the best of my knowledge, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that someone else has used it.

The awesome Lee Van Cleef plays a charming thief named Dakota who blows up a safe belonging to a Chinese man named Wang. The explosion accidentally kills Wang, who is rumored to be worth a fortune, but the only things in the safe are a fortune cookie and four photos of four different women baring their backsides.

In jail the night before his hanging, Dakota is visited by Ho Chiang (Lo Lieh from FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH), Wang’s nephew, who reveals that his uncle tattooed portions of a treasure map on the asses of his mistresses. Since Ho is unfamiliar with the United States, he rescues Dakota from the noose, and the pair team up to visit the four women, check out their tushies, and find Wang’s fortune. Sounds like a nice job if you can get it.

Hot on their trail is sinister Yancey Hobbitt (Julian Ugarte), a brutal preacher who drags his own church around on the back of his wagon. His woman is one of Wang's former mistresses, and Hobbitt finds out about the treasure when Dakota takes the key to her chastity belt away from him to check out her portion of the treasure map. Hobbitt figures he can build his own church with the cache and recruits a hulking Indian, whom he discovers wrestling for money, to be his sidekick.

THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER was directed by Antonio Margheriti, a decent filmmaker who made entertaining movies in just about every genre, including science fiction and horror. Here he demonstrates a sense of humor that allows the normally stern Van Cleef to show off a lighter touch than usual (Lee even sings in the picture). Lo Lieh pretty much steals the film anyway with several rousing kung fu scenes underscored by Carlo Savina's rock-oriented music that differs from the standard spaghetti western soundtrack.

On iTunes:
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS Main Theme--Danny Elfman
"Poetry in Motion"--Johnny Tillotson
"Painted Ladies"--Ian Thomas (whose brother Dave was a member of the SCTV troupe)
"Everything I Own"--Bread
"Disco Duck"--Rick Dees (yes, I know this song sucks ass!)
HALLOWEEN radio spot
Theme from DANGER MAN--The Red Price Combo
"Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon"--Neil Diamond
"Who Dat?"--The Jury
"Think of Me"--The Cindermen
"Have You Ever Seen the Rain"--CCR
"Manic Monday"--The Bangles
"September Girls"--Big Star

You've Got Fucking Talent
I've seen a lot of crazyass bugfuck movies in my day, but very few of them can stand up next to SCORPION THUNDERBOLT, an Asian action/horror movie that carries a 1985 copyright date, but who knows exactly when the damn thing was shot or released.

SCORPION THUNDERBOLT is a ridiculous supernatural mishmash that's pretty outrageous even by Godfrey Ho’s standards. Here's what you need to know about Ho. During the 1980's, Ho and producer Joseph Lai hired American actor Richard Harrison to star in a couple of action movies about ninjas. Harrison had been living in Europe and Asia for at least twenty years at that point. He had gone to Italy in the early '60s to star in dozens of films: westerns, spy movies, sword-and-sandal adventures, etc. When his star began to wane in Italy, he did films all over the world from Turkey to Hong Kong to the Philippines. His name carried a certain cachet in international theaters, although I'm not sure how well known he was in the U.S.

What Lai and Ho did was take that Harrison footage and splice it into dozens of no-budget crapfests, in effect creating a bunch of "Richard Harrison" movies, but paying the actor for only a couple. These films are usually the result of finding an unfinished or unreleaseable genre movie and cutting into it 10-15 minutes of Harrison footage that has nothing to do with anything else in the movie. Sometimes, crude "conversations" between Harrison and an actor in the "other" film are created using closeups of the actors "talking" to each other. All of them are terrible and cheap, even though some are oddly watchable.

I don't know if I understand SCORPION THUNDERBOLT, yet it's a good idea not to think too much about the plots of these Ho films anyway. The main plot involves some kind of snake queen who lives in a red castle and is able to transform Helen, a pretty photographer (Juliet Chan), into a flying snake monster with arms and legs and force her to kill. Whom she’s killing and why, I have no idea. Helen manages to temporarily keep her awful secret from Jackie (Benny Tsui), the cop investigating the murders. When he finds out, he tries to stop the police from gunning her down.

Meanwhile, we first see Richard (Harrison) picking up a sexy hitchhiker who flashes her breasts at him (“I hate to see people standing out in the rain,” he says to her, even though he's driving with all his car windows open!). She tells him she’s an actress and takes him to a screening room, where they watch a ridiculous film in which she’s tied up naked while a Chinese artist paints psychedelic designs on her body (“I have to admit, you’ve got fucking talent.”). She does a striptease for him, and tries to stab him in the back during sex. Every time we see Richard after that, somebody is jumping out of the shadows, trying to kick his ass and steal his ring. A priest finally gives him a hilariously complicated formula for destroying the snake queen, which can apparently only be accomplished on the 15th day of the month.

After being prostituted by Ho and Lai, Harrison eventually left the business and returned to California in the '80s, where he began acting in Fred Olen Ray movies. Nothing Ray ever made could be as insane as SCORPION THUNDERBOLT, which contains neither a scorpion nor a thunderbolt. But it does have a flying snake woman with arms, legs and a tail.

Recently on iTunes:
"White Knight"--David Arnold from TOMORROW NEVER DIES
GET CHRISTIE LOVE theme--Jack Elliott & Allyn Ferguson
The kickass "I'm Just A Mops"--The Mops (from Japan!)
"One Monkey Don't Stop No Show"--The Honey Cone
"The Boss"--James Brown from BLACK CAESAR
"You're My Little Girl"--The Fourmost
"You'll Kill Her"--Francisco DeMasi from PIOMBO ROVENTE
"Omaha"--Moby Grape
"Arnold Layne"--Pink Floyd
"The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"--Leonard Nimoy (!)
"The Spider and the Fly"--Rolling Stones
"I Saw Her Yesterday"--The Sunrisers
"The Boss"--Joseph Gershenson
"Our Dream"--The Munx
"You Make Me Lose My Mind"--Mark V
"I Close My Eyes and Count to Ten"--Dusty Springfield
"Complications"--The Monks
"The Great Duel"--Luis Bacalov
"Born on the Bayou"--CCR
"Montego Bay"--The Bar-Kays

See What's Become Of Me
Now Playing: THE YESTERDAY MACHINE
After more than a week on vacation, I've had the opportunity to watch some batshit-crazy movies. Part of the thrill of watching Crappy Movies is knowing that, every once in awhile, I'm going to come across something so obscure and bizarre that it almost turns me off contemporary films for good. Certainly there's nothing being made today, be it independently or at the major Hollywood studios, that could duplicate the strangeness of 1963's THE YESTERDAY MACHINE.

It, not surprisingly, wasn't made in Hollywood anyway, but rather Texas, which also was the home of notorious schlockmeister Larry Buchanan, who gave us so-called classics like MARS NEEDS WOMEN and ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES (sic). Buchanan was quite likely an associate, a partner or even a mentor to Russ Marker, who wrote, produced, directed and composed songs for THE YESTERDAY MACHINE, a very talky and slow-moving science fiction movie that isn't completely uninteresting.

Howard, a male college cheerleader, and his baton-twirling girlfriend Margie (she shakes her hips and twirls to some groovy rock-and-roll while Howie works on his car) break down on a country road and cut through the woods to find help. They're astonished to run into two men dressed in Civil War gear who shoot at them. Howie takes a slug in the back and collapses back on the road, but Margie completely disappears.

Jim Crandall (James Britton), an obnoxious, wisecracking newspaper reporter anxious to get away on his first vacation in three years, is convinced by his boss to poke around the scene of the shooting and find a story. Lieutenant Partane (former B-movie cowboy star Tim Holt) isn't much help, so Jim fetches Margie's sister Sandra (Ann Pellegrino), a nightclub singer, to explore the woods with him. While fleeing an attacker, the two pass through some sort of warp that deposits them in the 18th century, where they encounter a horseman who confuses Jim's lighter for witchcraft.

Another "poof" and Crandall and Sandy appear in the workshop of Professor Ernst von Hauser (Jack Herman), a Nazi who escaped the fall of the Third Reich and is continuing his experiments more than twenty years later in the basement of an abandoned old house in Texas! Astonishingly, Crandall isn't surprised to see von Hauser, since Partane had miraculously just told him a story of invading a concentration camp at the end of World War II and seeing the results of von Hauser's time experiments. What a coincidence.

Prof. von Hauser sends his two Nazi lackeys and his Egyptian female slave to lock Sandy up with Margie, while he delivers what is simultaneously the movie's highlight and lowlight. Actor Herman's acting is way out of control as he goes on for what seems like hours, plowing his way through pages and pages of technical dialogue that is supposed to sound scientific, but is really just gibberish. Considering himself to be more brilliant than Einstein, von Hauser even scribbles his formulas on the blackboard while Jim scratches his head and the audience fights sleep. I don't know what Marker was thinking in piling all this deadly exposition into one clump that must consist of at least ten minutes of screen time. Maybe he thought we'd be fascinated by his scientific acumen, as if we'd really believe he might have something to this time machine thing.

The time machine itself consists of a bank of cheap metal computer equipment on the wall, a regular wooden chair, and four glowing light poles around it. Besides the brief appearance of the Rebel soldiers and that quick spin to 1787, Marker never uses the time machine. Instead of creating some creative romps through time, Marker merely writes an easy escape for Jim and the women from their cells and has Jim blast their way out of the lab, which opens to a trapdoor located in the house's backyard cemetary.

Shot in black-and-white with an original music score that popped up a few years later in Buchanan's classic ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS, THE YESTERDAY MACHINE gets points for ambition, but loses some for its inert middle act and Marker's failure to provide any dramatic punch, even on his miniscule budget. It's still no worse and maybe even a little better than the more famous Buchanan's handiwork--a backhanded compliment, to be sure.

A Hate Story
I haven't found confirmation online yet, but a poster on the DVD Maniacs forum has announced the death of filmmaker William Allen Castleman, who directed three exploitation movies during the 1970's and produced and scored several more. I've seen two of his three films as a director: THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO, which is an overlong but fun softcore sex adventure, and JOHNNY FIRECLOUD (he also made BUMMER!, which is paired with FIRECLOUD on the Something Weird DVD).

JOHNNY FIRECLOUD is a good movie, co-produced by exploitation legend David F. Friedman, shot at 2.35:1, and released by 20th Century Fox (the only Friedman film to get a major studio release?). Native American 'Nam vet Johnny Firecloud (Puerto Rican actor Victor Mohica) returns to the small desert town where he grew up, only to find that his people are being ridiculed and beaten by the bigoted white thugs on the payroll of town boss Colby (Ralph Meeker). Firecloud is particularly a sore subject with Colby, since the Indian was dating his daughter June (Christina Hart) prior to joining the Army. In fact, he went so far as to intercept the letters the young lovers sent to each other, causing June, now an alcoholic, to believe Johnny had dumped her and vice versa. After Colby takes his hazing too far, the film switches from ripping off BILLY JACK to cribbing DEATH WISH, and Johnny begins meting out his own brand of vigilante justice, much to the chagrin of weak sheriff Jesse (David Canary), a basically good man who feels disgraced by a personal secret known only to Colby, who uses it to keep the law under his thumb.

What was a very obscure action movie that played briefly in drive-ins in the mid-1970s and has hardly been seen since is revealed by Something Weird Video's DVD to be a thoughtful, absorbing drama with action overtures. Directing a screenplay by Wilton Denmark, whose credits range from the sleazy low-budget western CAIN'S CUTTHROATS to teleplays for THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, Castleman crafts a surprisingly mature morality play that goes bounds beyond what was surely called for. Sure, the exploitative elements are there, such as gory revenge, nudity, and rape, like you'd expect in a Friedman film, but in between are some heady characterization and fine performances. Canary in particular is marvelous as the complex sheriff, torn between doing what he believes is right and following Colby's orders in order to protect his secret. He was a recognizable TV actor at the time, due to his supporting role as Candy on BONANZA, and has since played twins on ALL MY CHILDREN to great acclaim. His performance in JOHNNY FIRECLOUD is very strong and provides the somewhat talky finale with some power.

Hart, a familiar TV face who started her career disrobing in drive-in flicks like THE STEWARDESSES and THE MAD BOMBER, is the cast's only misfire, playing her drunk role too far over the top, but she does appear topless, as does Sacheen Littlefeather (best known for accepting Brando's 1973 GODFATHER Oscar), the recipient of obvious breast augmentation.

Crisply lensed in Southern California by co-producer Peter B. Goode, JOHNNY FIRECLOUD slightly transcends its drive-in origins, adding social commentary and solid performances while still delivering the bloody goods. It's too bad Castleman didn't make another film after this, because he worked wonders with the $225,000 he had to work with here.

Castleman apparently died at the age of 83.

More Groovy Tunes
Now Playing: THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER
Last day of vacation. Getting up for work tomorrow is going to be a chore, since I don't think I've awakened earlier than 11:00am in over a week.

I've had time to relax and watch a lot of trashy movies this week. I'll write more about them later.

Recently on iTunes:
"Sunny Girlfriend"--The Monkees
"I Saw the Light"--The Raspberries
"Shadows on the Wall" from THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN
"Annie's Song"--John Denver
"Love Song"--Anne Murray
"Queen of Hearts"--Juice Newton
"Nitrous Burn Out"--Man or Astro-Man?
QUARK--Perry Botkin, Jr.
"Fortune Teller"--Bobby Curtola
THE BIG VALLEY--George Duning
"Little Baby"--Rolling Stones
NIGHT OF THE GHOULS trailer
"Emotional Rescue"--Rolling Stones
"Shag-A-Delic Austin Powers Score Medley"--George S. Clinton from AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
"Live and Let Die"--Paul McCartney & Wings
"Evil"--Cactus
"I Love You For All Seasons"--Fuzz
"End Titles"--Lalo Schifrin from RUSH HOUR
LOGAN'S RUN--Jerrold Immel
"Kiss an Angel Good Morning"--Charley Pride
"A New Mate"--Jerry Goldsmith from PLANET OF THE APES

That Darn Jew
Now Playing: LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD
Maybe you have to be an Albert Brooks fan to appreciate his films. There's no question that Brooks' films--as a writer and director, not necessarily as an actor for hire--are acquired tastes. With the exception of DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, which never played in the town I was living in at the time, I've seen all of Brooks' films theatrically. I believe the arrival of a new Albert Brooks comedy is a special occasion; after all, it occurs only about every five or six years.

So I was excited to learn that his latest, LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD, was playing here in Champaign. Surprisingly, since it's only on about 120 screens right now. I never saw any TV advertising for the movie, and the Champaign theaters do no newspaper ads, so I'm not shocked that I was the only one in the theater for a Wednesday afternoon matinee. While LOOKING FOR COMEDY will probably do the least box office of Brooks' career (not that you'd notice--he never does more than about $15 million gross), it's a clever and funny movie that made me chuckle a lot.

If you're curious about its alleged controversial content, let me assure you that the buzz is ridiculous. Sony refused to release it, due partially to its title, and Warner Independent picked it up. There is nothing in Brooks' movie that could be considered controversial or politically incorrect, unless you believe that portraying people of India as full-fledged, well-rounded human beings is a sensitive act.

Brooks, who wrote the original screenplay and directed, stars as Albert Brooks, who leaves a humiliating interview with director Penny Marshall for the lead in a remake of HARVEY (!) and returns home to find a registered letter from the U.S. government waiting for him. Turns out Fred Dalton Thompson (as himself) is heading a government commission dedicated to learning more about the Muslim people by discovering what makes them laugh, and he wants Albert to take a month in India and Pakistan, find out, and put it all in a 500-page report (it's gotta be 500 pages to justify the expense, but, don't worry, nobody reads the reports anyway, they just weigh them).

Albert is accompanied in New Delhi by two State Department men (Jon Tenney and John Carroll Lynch) and his Indian assistant Maya (the wonderful Sheetal Sheth). After a day of man-on-the-street interviews ("What makes you laugh?") turns out to be fruitless, Brooks has the idea to stage a standup concert in a country that has no standup comedy. The film's major setpiece is Brooks' routine, performed before an auditorium filled with Indians unfamiliar with Brooks or his material. The routine bombs, as it should have. The joke is that Brooks' routine is actually a deconstruction of American standup comedy, riffing on ventriloquist acts and supposed "improvisation". It likely would have bombed in an American comedy club too, which doesn't mean that it isn't wildly funny.

The second half is padded, with help from Michael Giacchino's witty score, with a dose of international intrigue, as Albert's covert late-night meeting with a group of stoned budding Pakistani comics. Bombed on hash, they, of course, laugh their asses off at Albert's routine, and the narcissistic Brooks thinks he killed. There's also a neat bit with Albert being offered the lead in an Al Jazeera sitcom titled THAT DARN JEW.

Filming on location in New Delhi, Brooks uses the local population and scenery to good advantage, including one killer gag--a subtle one, but brilliantly executed--staged at the Taj Mahal. I didn't come away from LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD with a better idea of what makes Muslims laugh (except Polish jokes--they kill everywhere), but I know that it made me laugh.

In Lieu Of A Real Post...
Sorry. I'm on vacation this week, and I haven't felt much like posting. However, I know I have to give you something, so here's what I've been listening to on iTunes.

"Heavies"--The Rotations
"Let the Good Times In"--The Hung Jury covering The Partridge Family (!)
"Cisco Kid"--War
"Love Or Let Me Be Lonely"--Friends of Distinction
"Boys and Girls Together"--Mamas and the Papas
"The Big Gundown"--Ennio Morricone
"Everybody's Doin' It"--Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen (the "truckin' and fuckin'" song from HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD)
"Bottled"--Alexander Courage from STAR TREK's "The Cage"
"Freedom Train"--Ancient Grease
"Can You Travel in the Dark Alone"--Gandalf
"Dr. Crippin's Waiting Room"--Orange Machine
"I Get Around" (backing track only)--Beach Boys
"5-4-3-2-1"--Manfred Mann
A James Bernard suite from HORROR OF DRACULA
Theme from HUNTER--Mike Post & Pete Carpenter
"Behind Closed Doors"--Charlie Rich

That reminds me of an awesome Charlie Rich story. Known as the Silver Fox because of his full head of gray hair, the late Rich wrote and recorded a bunch of great country-western hits, including a few that crossed over onto the pop charts. You might remember--or you should remember--"Mohair Sam", "Behind Closed Doors", "The Most Beautiful Girl", which I think was a #1.

He was also quite a drinker, not unusual for a country singer, but it caused him to engage in a lot of self-destructive behavior. Perhaps his most notorious moment occurred on live network television. He was presenting the trophy for Entertainer of the Year at the 1975 Country Music Association awards. He opened the envelope and announced the winner: "my good buddy John Denver". He then proceeded to whip out a lighter and set the card and envelope on fire, an act that was judged by most who saw it as disrespectful. Rich's son has claimed in recent years that it was merely a joke egged on by too many gin & tonics and that Rich really did like Denver. That's not what it looked like to millions of country music fans in 1975.

Shit. I guess I ended up posting something anyway. Aren't you lucky?

B-Fest 2006
Now Playing: 15 Power-Packed Features
Another year over, and a new one just begun. You might use January 1 to demarcate one year from the next. I use B-Fest, Northwestern University’s annual 24-hour marathon of “B-movies.” This weekend marked my fifth consecutive year of staying up 39 consecutive hours with little more than Coca-Cola, Hostess products and lunchmeat sandwiches for sustenance. This year, Tolemite, Kevin and I introduced five new B-Festers to the event: Chicken, Stiner, Grady, Liz and Lara. All (except Lara, who had a Saturday appointment) survived to the end, as brutal as the journey may have been, and deserve much applause for their patience, stamina and sportsmanship.

Like last year, I arrived at B-Fest two hours early, which I highly recommend. It gives you an opportunity to stake out comfortable seating, survey the crowd for crazies to stay away from and hotties to scope, and relax a bit before diving right in. Change into some lounging clothes, arrange your munchies for easy, quiet access. There isn’t much time allotted between features to stretch with the lights on, so it’s good to get comfortable while you can.

If you don’t know, B-Fest is a communal experience where you don’t just watch movies, but shout at the screen MST3K-style. Some of these movies can only be endured in this manner, although the image and audio are good enough that you can follow the films if you’re not familiar with them. Screaming at something like SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 is very cathartic, believe me. The downside is that you’ll be surrounded by people who are not nearly as funny as you are, and sometimes their jokes are worse than the movie you’re all screaming at. Most of the movies are 16mm prints, although an occasional 35mm print is shown. B-Fest has traditionally been all-celluloid, but there is discussion of adding DVD projection next year. I see the pros and cons of this, and if it happens, I’ll approach it with an open mind.

At 6:00pm Friday, B-Fest 2006 got off to a strong start with SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR SPACE, a good B-Fest movie, since it has a lot of action, familiar actors, a stupid premise, and much to mock. Christopher Reeve returned to play Superman only on the condition that the producers use his anti-nuke story, so the clumsy slapstick humor held over from SUPERMAN III and the cheapo special effects and lack of attention to detail common to producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus mix awkwardly with a mawkish plot about Superman tossing all the world’s nuclear weapons into outer space and then fighting a nuclear-powered supervillain created by escaped con Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman). Yes, this is a Cannon movie. There’s also Jon Cryer as Luthor’s annoying Valley dude nephew Lenny Luthor (!), Mariel Hemingway as a debutante who falls for Clark Kent, and John Williams’ music rearranged and conducted by Alexander Courage. It’s bad, but enjoyable schlock. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be better than the upcoming SUPERMAN RETURNS.

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON was a controversial choice, if only because it’s too good for B-Fest. In all, this year’s lineup was the weakest of my five B-Fests with many movies being too good and others being too bad (as in, not entertainingly bad, just boring). There’s also a continuing trend of adding too many selections from the ‘80s and ‘90s. At least CREATURE was shown in 3D. We even got free glasses. I don’t think the 3D really worked all that well (it was the red/blue kind), although Julie Adams in a swimsuit in 3D should be experienced by all. You should know the story by now: an expedition exploring the Amazon runs across a unique half-man/half-fish in an extraordinary costume designed by the Universal special effects department. Adams is in love with Richard Carlson, but hotheaded Richard Denning has the hots for her too. For that matter, so does the creature, who stalks her in a lovingly filmed underwater sequence. Great movie given not-so-great treatment.

GODZILLA, the horrid 1998 American version starring Matthew Broderick, is a good example of a movie that doesn’t work at B-Fest. It’s too long, too dull, not fun, and an insult to B-Fest’s audience, who are there precisely because they love movies like the Toho Godzilla series. This movie was like a kidney punch to monster fans when it came out. Nobody wants to see this version of GODZILLA anyway--do you know anyone who has it in their collection?--but B-Festers certainly don’t. Broderick is a Greek (?) biologist who is recruited by the army to stop a giant lizard from destroying New York City. The military fires him (?) after his old flame, a dizzy wannabe TV journalist played by the supremely untalented Maria Pitillo, steals some top-secret info from him (I swear, it was a VHS tape with TOP SECRET written in big letters on the label) and airs it. Broderick is then kidnapped by the French Secret Service (!), in the personage of Jean Reno, and invade Madison Square Garden, which is overrun with dozens of baby ‘Zillas hatched from eggs. Directed by Roland Emmerich and produced by Dean Devlin, each of whom was the recipient of copious booing when their credits flashed on-screen.

THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME is a short made by a California-based visual effects whiz named Mike Jittlov. He also made a feature version, but this is the original short, a delightful FX-filled fantasy. In B-Fest tradition (I don’t know why), the short plays while much of the audience lies on the stage and stomps their collective feet in time to the music. Then the short is run backwards and upside down with more stomping. Doesn’t make sense to me. WOSAT is good enough to stand on its own.

Midnight always brings about PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, which is a ROCKY HORROR-like experience filled with props and preprogrammed audience responses to the film. Even if you’ve seen it a zillion times, you should still experience it with a barrage of paper plates flying through the air whenever one of director Ed Wood's cheap pie-plate flying saucers whizzes across the screen. You haven't lived until you've seen hundreds of paper plates whipping past your head. After the film, the auditorium floor will be littered with thousands of paper plates, many inscribed with messages ranging from philosophical one-liners, bits of PLAN 9 dialogue and jokes. To Johnson‘s appearances are met with shouts of “Tor!” Scenes with Bela Lugosi and his body double are met with “Bela!” and “Not Bela!” The strangest battle is between audience members who argue whether Gregory Walcott‘s patio furniture is made from wicker or rattan. “Because people of Earth are idiots!”

The post PLAN 9 slot is usually blaxploitation. Unfortunately, they ran COFFY again, which ran here three years ago. I have no argument against COFFY, which is great for B-Fest: wild dialogue, action, nudity, crazy fashions, funky music and the sexy Pam Grier. Shouting was at a minimum, I think because the crowd was really into it. However, there’s enough blaxploitation out there that they could have gotten something else.

I must admit, I saw very little of GAS! OR IT BECAME NECESSARY TO DESTROY THE WORLD IN ORDER TO SAVE IT. This was in the HIERONYMOUS MERKIN/BEAUTY AND THE ROBOT/ALICE IN WONDERLAND slot, which is usually filled with something obscure, unusual and often unbearable. GAS!, one of Roger Corman’s last movies as a director, appears to be an aimless, pretentious youth allegory about an American Southwest devoid of human beings over the age of 25 (they were killed by a strange gas). It’s on DVD, so maybe I’ll give it another shot in a proper context someday, but it took the opportunity to wander around the facility and spend some time cooling off in the lobby while it ran.

The deep hurting continued with TROMEO AND JULIET, which is, IMO, too extreme and rough for B-Fest. Being a Troma production, you know immediately what you’re getting into: gore, profanity, sex, cannibalism, incest, bodily fluids, close-ups of nipples being pierced. I only watched it with one eye open, since I thought this would be a good time to grab a nap. It didn’t really work, as the audience’s groans whenever something gross occurred had me glancing at the screen out of curiosity. I was usually sorry.

I hate Prince. So you can imagine what I thought of GRAFFITI BRIDGE, an extremely self-indulgent musical that Prince wrote, directed and starred in. A good drinking game would be to drink whenever Prince the director awards Prince the actor with a closeup. It feels like a remake of PURPLE RAIN with Morris Day back talking shit to Prince and Prince’s girlfriend (Ingrid Chavez) getting killed. I hated PURPLE RAIN too.

GRAFFITI BRIDGE is too boring and superficial for B-Fest. EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY is just too uninteresting. In fact, it’s a pleasant little comedy that provides a bit of fun, but it isn’t remarkable or memorable in any sense, except for the many scenes with Geena Davis wearing a tiny bikini. It also stars Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans at a period in their careers when nobody knew who they were (IN LIVING COLOR was still a couple of years away). Carrey, Wayans and Jeff Goldblum are colorful, furry aliens who crash their spaceship in Geena’s swimming pool and become fish-out-of-water as she battles cheating boyfriend Charles Rocket and hangs with horny pal “Just Say” Julie Brown, who also co-wrote the screenplay.

Now RHINESTON seems like it was tailor-made for B-Fest. Two big stars, one absurd premise, plenty to mock. Country singer Dolly Parton bets her sleazebag manager (a typically OTT Ron Leibman) that she can transform a loutish taxi driver (Sylvester Stallone) into a country-western star in two weeks. Yep, Sly Stallone plays a country singer. Awesome! Apparently you all have to do to become an expert at it is spend two weeks on a farm, where romantic rival Tim Thomerson (yeah!) teaches him to walk like a country singer by pretending you have jock itch. The beauty of RHINESTONE is that it forces you to believe that, when Stallone sings at the climax to thunderous applause from an appreciative audience, he’s a much better singer that he was earlier before Dolly went all Henry Higgins on him. Of course, he still sucks as a singer, and you know damn well this movie only exists because Stallone, a huge star then, decided he wanted to sing in a movie, and no Hollywood sycophant had the balls to tell him what a terrible idea that was. RHINESTONE, directed by Bob Clark, is also notable for Sly’s bizarre T-shirt collection, which had us in stitches.

COBRA WOMAN was disappointing in that it was filmed in Technicolor, but we received a black-and-white TV print. It’s kinda talky for B-Fest purposes, but I’d like to check it out again something under optimal conditions. Jon Hall and sidekick Sabu journey to a South Seas island to retrieve Hall’s fiance Maria Montez. Turns out she was nabbed by Maria’s evil twin (!), who plans to sacrifice her to her people’s cobra god and then steal Hall for herself. A lot of swinging on ropes and rubber snakes in this one, plus Lon Chaney as a heavy.

Dear God. BABY GENIUSES may well be the worst Hollywood film to ever receive a sequel, and SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 might be the worst sequel. I don’t even know for what audience it was made. Jon Voight (!), of all people, plays an evil German (who talks like Werner Klemperer) who plans to brainwash the world’s babies with subliminal messages in a TV commercial. He’s opposed by an 8-year-old secret agent who recruits for diaper-clad babies to be his sidekicks and imbues them with superpowers and costumes. I understand why Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel would be hard-up enough to star in this, but I don’t know why Voight is here, except I see from the Internet Movie Database than the blond teen hottie who plays the babysitter is Voight’s goddaughter. Giving her a help up perhaps? Talking babies always suck, but talking babies that fly helicopters and know kung fu achieve new levels of suck.

Only one more movie to go, and it was a controversial choice. Much too good for B-Fest, it still worked out well, because it played in the traditional “monster movie” slot and served as a bit of a cleanser after 22 ? hours of crap. 1933’s KING KONG is a remarkable film. The 16mm print is terribly washed out; I was spoiled by watching Warner’s pristine, detail-filled DVD a few weeks ago. It was still fun to see with an appreciative audience.

B-Fest is also punctuated by a number of obscure short films that fill time between features. Most of these are disposable at best, but two of them were really interesting. One was Alan Arkin’s 1969 Oscar-nominated PEOPLE SOUP, which stars his sons Adam and Matthew as brothers who mix together incompatible kitchen items to create a soup that transforms them into animals. It’s a sweet, funny fantasy. Also of note was TOMB ITMAY CONCERN, a kitschy piece starring the very short Little Jack Little. It was unfortunately cut off well before the end, which was a shame. It was silly but watchable, an odd piece of Hollywood history, plus I understand there was an Egyptian princess in the tomb who does a striptease, but we never got to see it. Drat.

KING KONG finished around 5:45pm Saturday, and it was off to Leona’s on Sheridan for our customary post-fest bloating in the form of heavy Italian food. I always get more or less the same thing, which is a giant bowl of pasta covered in tomato sauce, sausage and meatballs. It's so big I can't even finish it, but that's okay, so long as it pushes the Ding Dongs and corn chips out of my system. The drive home on I-57 is rainy, but Chicken and I make it in good time, inside, unloaded and unpacked well before 11pm. Time to sleep and, more importantly, brush my teeth and shower.

Only 364 more days to B-Fest 2007.

Off To B-Fest
24 hours of Crappy Movies. Tell you all about it when I get back.