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THE NIGHT STALKER (1971)--Directed by John
Llewellyn Moxey. Stars Darren McGavin, Barry Atwater, Simon Oakland, Carol Lynley. Scary made-for-TV horror starring McGavin
as Carl Kolchak, a fast-talking investigative reporter investigating the appearance of a blood-seeking vampire (Atwater) in
Las Vegas. Moody, atmospheric thriller features a terrific performance by McGavin and a tight script by Richard Matheson based
on Jeff Rice's story. Produced by Dan Curtis (DARK SHADOWS). Also with Claude Akins, Ralph Meeker, Elisha Cook Jr. and Kent
Smith. Was, at the time, the highest-rated TV-movie ever, which led to a sequel (THE NIGHT STRANGLER) and a well-done but
low-rated TV series.
THE NIGHT STALKER (1987)--Directed by Max Kleven. Stars Charles Napier, Michelle
Reese, Katherine Kelly Lang, Robert Viharo, Robert Z'Dar. The great character actor and former Russ Meyer repertory player
Napier IS J.J. Striker, a drunken, burned-out L.A. cop who's assigned with his gum-chewing, wisecracking partner Charlie Barnett
(BARE KNUCKLES star Viharo) to investigate the recent murders of call girls who are found with their necks broken and their
faces painted. The serial killer is hulking Chuck Summers (MANIAC COP Z'Dar), a psycho vet impervious to bullets, punches
or pain. That's because he's learned an ancient Asian method of stealing the lifeforce from his murder victims in order to
gain immortality for himself. Future THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL star Lang plays pretty Denise, the ward of Striker's ex-hooker
lover Rene (Reese), who, in time-honored B-movie tradition, becomes the killer's next target.
It's always cool to
see Napier play the lead, but THE NIGHT STALKER (no character is ever called The Night Stalker) doesn't rise to his level,
suffering from clunky direction by stuntman Kleven (who also made the David Hasselhoff classic W.B., BLUE & THE BEAN)
and a script (co-written by ILSA sleazemeister Don Edmonds) seriously lacking in the continuity, logic and dialogue departments.
The fantastic gimmick of Z'Dar's character being able to prolong his own life by shortening others is given short shrift in
the script, and is, quite frankly, useless in the film's context, since it's barely explained and seems to exist only as an
excuse to show Z'Dar being squibbed a few dozen times. The Napier character is (yawn) another B-movie burnout who's late with
his alimony, drives a junker car, gets suspended by his by-the-book boss and even says, "I'm getting too old for this shit".
Napier and Viharo do make a nice team, but the acting by the rest of the cast (especially Reese) is mostly atrocious. Z'Dar,
of course, does his acting with his cheekbones and biceps as usual.
Also with Bing's boy Gary Crosby (ADAM-12), Joey
Gian (HOOPERMAN), Ola Ray (48 HOURS), James Watkins as a pimp, Lydie Denier, co-producer Buck Flower, Roy Jenson, Joan
Chen and co-writer John Goff as Napier's superior officer. Released by Almi Pictures, which also distributed Lucio
Fulci's HOUSE BY THE CEMETARY and the Leslie Nielsen space spoof THE CREATURE WASN'T NICE.
THE NIGHT STRANGLER
(1972)--Directed by Dan Curtis. Stars Darren McGavin, Richard Anderson, Simon Oakland, Jo Ann Pflug. Monster-hunting newspaper
reporter Carl Kolchak (McGavin) is back, this time in Seattle driving his apoplectic boss (Oakland) up the wall while tracking
a mysterious strangler of women. He discovers the killer is an ex-Civil War physician (Anderson) who lives underground and
uses the blood of his victims in a youth-preserving elixir. Another spooky teleplay by Richard Matheson. Also with Wally Cox,
Scott Brady, Margaret Hamilton, Al Lewis, Ivor Francis, PLAYBOY's Anne Randall (STACEY!) and John Carradine. Music by Robert
Cobert. KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER starring McGavin began its one-season run on ABC in '74 without the involvement of Curtis,
who produced both well-received pilots.
NIGHT TERROR (1977)--Directed by E.W. Swackhamer.
Stars Valerie Harper, Richard Romanus. This made-for-TV thriller scared the crap out of me when I was ten. Looking at it now,
I can understand why, but I can also now see the plot contrivances and needlessly complicated build-up to the story. Valerie
Harper, then a major TV player, stars as Carol, a flighty housewife who witnesses a roadside murder during an all-night drive
from Phoenix to Denver and is then pursued by the killer (Romanus). Rain, rocks, mud, a drunken businessman, an empty gas
tank, a derelict and drunken teen gas-station attendants are a few of the obstacles standing between Carol and safety. While
the teleplay sometimes slips into B-movie mode, Swackhamer‘s suspenseful direction and Harper‘s performance as
a thoroughly dependent woman who must improvise under pressure in order to save her life set NIGHT TERRORS above much of the
made-for-TV pack. Of special note is Romanus, who is truly terrifying as a psycho ‘Nam vet who needs an electronic voice
box to speak. His silent screams of rage prove a performer can be menacing without colorful dialogue. Michael Tolan, John
Quade, Nicholas Pryor, Quinn Cummings and Dinah Manoff also star. Intelligently placed score is by Fred Steiner. Romanus and
Harper had previously worked together on a RHODA episode.
THE NIGHT THAT PANICKED AMERICA (1975)—Directed
by Joseph Sargent. Stars Paul Shenar, Vic Morrow, Meredith Baxter. Halloween night, 1975, ABC broadcast
THE NIGHT THAT PANICKED AMERICA, a pseudo-documentary-style retelling of the unbelievable events of October 30, 1938. That
night, an estimated 6 million American radio listeners heard CBS' MERCURY THEATER ON THE AIR's adaptation of H.G. Wells' novel
THE WAR OF THE WORLDS, as written by Howard Koch and directed by Orson Welles. Welles gave the story a hard, realistic edge
by presenting it as a series of fake newscasts, describing how Martian ships were landing in New Jersey, murdering thousands
of citizens, including police officers and soldiers, and then spreading out across the East Coast, even occupying New York
City. At least a million listeners believed Welles' broadcast to be real and panicked, packing up their families and fleeing
their homes.
It seems inconceivable today that people would believe such an outlandish
story to be real, but director Joseph Sargent and screenwriters Nicholas Meyer and Anthony Wilson are convincing in their
storytelling. Much of THE NIGHT THAT PANICKED AMERICA's running time is devoted to a re-creation of the radio play, and stars
actor Paul Shenar as Welles and familiar character actors like Ron Rifkin, Walker Edmiston, Granville Van Dusen and Casey
Kasem as some of the Mercury players. These scenes are the film's strength, as Sargent cuts back and forth between the CBS
Radio studio in New York and the public's terrible reaction to the show.
Some of these vignettes are more appealing than others, and some
are even played for comedy. Most haunting is Vic Morrow (top-billed) and Eileen Brennan's story of an estranged married couple
that put aside their bitter feelings for one another and come together to rescue their children from the Martian horde. Other
stories include a New Jersey farmer (ROOM 222's Michael Constantine) and his son (a pre-THREE'S COMPANY John Ritter), who
wants to go to Europe to fight the Germans before the war spreads to the United States, and young lovers Cliff DeYoung and
Meredith Baxter-Birney, whose impending marriage is threatened by her minister father (Will Geer), who refuses to allow her
to marry a Catholic.
Welles' original radio play is often re-broadcast around this time
of year, sometimes in a re-creation using contemporary actors, but usually in its original recording. If you get a chance
to hear it, please do so. The high level of drama and suspense is astonishing. Also with Tom Bosley as a harried network
censor, Walter McGinn, Joshua Bryant, Liam Dunn, Burton Gilliam, Linda Dano and Hal Needham. Music by Frank Comstock.
THE NIGHT THE CITY SCREAMED (1980)--Directed
by Harry Falk. Stars Robert Culp, Raymond Burr, Georg Stanford Brown, Vic Tayback. Oh, if only the movie were
as lurid as its title. If this was the last gasp of the '70s disaster movie trend, then it's a good thing it died out.
Lighting striking a power transformer plunges Los Angeles into darkness during a sweltering heatwave. As looters rip
up the streets, the mayor (Burr) tries to hold the lid on things, his chief aide (Brown) watches over the local police precinct,
and an ambitious city councilman (Culp) tries to use the emergency to benefit his own career. Surprisingly, the best
performance is turned in by gruff character actor Tayback (ALICE), who, despite being miscast as an elderly Jewish storekeeper,
invests great dignity and emotion into his subplot, as he teams with his black teenage employee to protect his store.
Everything else feels false and dull, and the best reason to watch is to see a large cast of TV vets, even though they really
aren't doing anything interesting. Don Meredith plays a police captain, Clifton Davis and David Cassidy (in a cheesy
mustache) are beat cops, and George DiCenzo the harried power plant manager. Also with Shelley Smith, Linda Purl, Gary
Frank, Taurean Blacque, Jason Bernard and Jonathan Frakes.
NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR (1985)--Directed by Jay Schlossberg-Cohen,
John Carr, Philip Marshak, Tom McGowan, Greg Tallas. Stars Cameron Mitchell, John Philip Law, Richard Moll, Ferdy Mayne,
Tony Giorgio, Merideth Haze. It's a cliché to say "they don't make 'em like this anymore", but gol'darn it, they don't!
Pieced together from three unrelated features and several minutes of new footage shot within an unconvincing train set, this
NIGHT TRAIN is best traveled during the red-eye run--late at night with a few Miller High Lifes under your belt. It's
a cinch you won't believe what you're seeing anyway, so you might as well be fueled for the journey.
While a ridiculous New Wave band "rocks out" in a horribly decorated
railway car, surrounded by headbanded dancer chicks and breakdancers, God (Mayne) and Mr. Satan (Giorgio, I think; the God
and Satan characters are credited to "Himself" and "Lu Sifer", respectively) sit in another car and fight over who gets whom
after they're dead. To prove their points to each other, they peer out their window and watch three different stories
of good and evil. In the first, Harry Billings (Law) is brainwashed by the doctors of an insane asylum into drugging
young women and kidnapping them back to the hospital, where psycho orderly Otto (Moll, later of NIGHT COURT, credited here
as "Charles" Moll) strips them, cuts them up and sells the pieces to medical schools. Next we learn about Gretta Connors
(Haze), a porn star who falls in love with a frat boy and tries to escape her sleazy manager, who forces the young couple
into playing games at his Death Wish Club, which include being tied up beneath a 1000-pound wrecking ball and trapped in a
room with a poorly animated stop-motion flying death beetle. Finally, a cop (Mitchell) is convinced by his elderly Jewish
neighbor to investigate one Mr. Olivier, an immortal Nazi war criminal who becomes involved with a heart surgeon and her atheist
Nobel Prize-winning husband (also played by Moll in a ridiculous wig).
To describe much more of the plot would be difficult, because, well,
there isn't much more to tell. Since all three tales are stripped-down versions of feature films (all of which have
seen their way to home video in their unaltered form), they're predictably incoherent, so don't work too hard trying to follow
the story. It appears as though most of the gore and nudity found its way into NIGHT TRAIN, so tracking down the originals
probably would be a waste of time--better to stick with the Cliff Notes versions. I'm not sure what screenwriter/producer
Philip Yordan (an Oscar winner for BROKEN ARROW!) was attempting to do with NIGHT TRAIN, but it's doubtful his intentions
were artistic in nature. NIGHT TRAIN is amazingly ill-conceived, yet somehow watchable. The shortened stories
and haphazard cutting result in a decent pace, if nothing else, and the high levels of blood and naked women will certainly
keep you awake. Also worth laughing at, as if the awful music, ridiculous editing, hammy performances and ridiculous
God/Satan conversations aren't enough, is the silly stop-motion animation by the William Stromberg studios, which not only
created several drippy monsters, but also some unrealistic humans for them to interact with. And the finale, which pits
a fireball-hurling anti-Christ against a melted animated Richard Moll, is a real beaut.
For the record, the opening segment with John Philip Law was apparently
finished several years later and released in a still-incomplete form on home video as SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF. The middle
segment was edited from DEATH WISH CLUB, while the finale, which also features Marc Lawrence (PIGS) in a dual role, was made
in the late 1970's and released as CATACLYSM. The terrible band, which pops up between segments to torture us with the
same damn song ("Everybody's got somethin' to do/Everybody but you!"), is unknown, but since a Yordan is listed in the credits
as its lead singer and breakdancer, it's a cinch it wasn't hired for its musical talent (which is obvious).
NIGHT VISION (1997)--Directed by Gil Bettman.
Stars Fred Williamson, Cynthia Rothrock, Robert Forster, Robert Prentiss. Another one of Fred’s made-in-Texas
cheapies. This one wasn’t directed by “The Hammer”, but it sure looks like it was--simple camera setups,
slow pacing, lethargic action sequences, clunky continuity. Michael Montgomery’s screenplay is the pits, telling
the story of a serial killer known as the Video Stalker who videotapes the murders of beautiful young women and sells them
to a porn distributor with an audience for snuff. Alcoholic cop Dakota Smith (Williamson), on the skids and shacked
up in a halfway house, is on the case, teamed up with a fellow outcast officer (Rothrock). Williamson and Forster as
his watch commander have their charms, but the material given them by Bettman and Montgomery to work with is well beyond their
ability to carry. Real-world logic has no place in the clumsy universe NIGHT VISION inhabits; hell, the cops don’t
even bother to dust evidence or crime scenes for fingerprints. Smith returned in the also-bad DOWN ‘N’ DIRTY,
but I don’t recommend you check out either of his pallid adventures. Also with Frank Pesce and former Chicago
Bear Willie Gault.
NIGHT WARNING (1981)--Directed by William
Asher. Stars Jimmy McNichol, Susan Tyrell, Bo Svenson, Julia Duffy. It's hard to believe former BEWITCHED and BEACH BLANKET
BINGO director Asher helmed this sleazy slasher film with heavy doses of incest and homophobia. 17-year-old Billy, played
by Kristy McNichol's sibling and singing partner Jimmy, has been living with his doting Aunt Cheryl (Tyrell) ever since his
parents' death in a spectacular car crash (shown in the prologue). Although it takes Billy a little while to catch on, it's
pretty clear that Cheryl is as batty as Bruce Wayne's cave. First she reacts violently to Billy's news that he plans to leave
home after high school graduation to attend college on a basketball scholarship--the same school that his sweet girlfriend
(Duffy) plans to attend. Then she stabs to death a house-call-making television repairman after he rejects her sexual advances.
Carlson (Svenson), the virulently anti-gay detective investigating the murder, suspects Billy of the murder after discovering
the TV repairman was homosexual, positing that the victim was killed as the result of a lovers' triangle also involving Billy
and his closeted basketball coach. The body count mounts as Aunt Cheryl attempts to remove anyone who might prevent Billy
from staying home with her forever, and Carlson extorts and brutalizes anyone who might prevent him from making a murder case
against Billy.
Although fraught with holes, NIGHT WARNING is just bizarre enough to work, thanks mostly to Tyrell's
over-the-top performance. She's like Jack Nicholson on Ritalin as she rants, raves, screams, flares her nostrils and just
plain acts crazy, building up to a manic, murderous frenzy. Svenson is properly hateful, although McNichol and Duffy are bland
though likable. Asher opens the film well--with an outrageous and excitingly crafted car smashup--and the climax is bloody
and suspenseful enough, but, besides the ranting of Tyrell and Svenson, not much happens in between. Future NEWHART pouter
Duffy has a topless scene, and check out a skinny, young Bill Paxton as a basketball-playing bully. Also with Britt Leach,
Marcia Lewis, Steve Eastin and former PROJECT U.F.O. star Caskey Swaim. Also known as BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER. Filmed
in Kansas City. Asher won an Emmy for his work on BEWITCHED, which starred his then-wife Elizabeth Montgomery.
NIGHTFORCE
(1987)--Directed by Lawrence D. Foldes. Stars Linda Blair, Chad McQueen, Richard Lynch, James Van Patten, Claudia Udy,
Cameron Mitchell. This ludicrous ripoff of RED DAWN is based around the notion that five Beverly Hills teenagers can
drive a Jeep and a U-Haul trailer all the way to Central America and shoot it out with dozens of terrorists who have kidnapped
their friend. When Christy (Udy, who does lots of nudity) is snatched outside her gym, her father (Mitchell), a prominent
U.S. senator, refuses to do anything to save her in fear of looking like a hypocrite because of a no-negotiation policy he
drafted for the government. With the Feds’ hands tied, Christy’s best pal Carla (Blair) and four male friends
head south to rescue her. Luckily, along the way they make the acquaintance of ‘Nam vet Bishop (Lynch in a rare
good-guy role), who volunteers to help them out. Mindless boobs-and-bullets action teams up with a gloriously absurd
premise to make a watchable exploitation item with a name cast, including Kathleen Kinmont.
NIGHTHAWKS (1981)--Directed by Bruce Malmuth.
Stars Sylvester Stallone, Billy Dee Williams, Rutger Hauer, Lindsay Wagner. Stallone wasn’t having much post-ROCKY
success as a dramatic actor (F.I.S.T. and PARADISE ALLEY were unsuccessful at the box office), so he turned to standard action
roles. FIRST BLOOD was an international phenomenon, but before putting on Rambo’s camo gear, Sly played a New
York City detective in this exciting urban thriller. Deke DaSilva (Stallone) and partner Matthew Fox (Williams) are
placed on special assignment to track down Wulfgar (Hauer in his U.S. film debut), a ruthless European terrorist on the outs
with his employers overseas and in the Big Apple to cause destruction and rebuild his reputation. Malmuth (MARKED FOR
DEATH), who replaced Gary Nelson (THE BLACK HOLE) during production, has a good feel for action and suspense. Stallone
and Williams work well together, even though both are overshadowed by the charismatic Hauer, who moved on to BLADE RUNNER
shortly thereafter. BIONIC WOMAN Wagner has little screen time as DeSilva’s ex. Also with Persis Khambatta,
Joe Spinell, Nigel Davenport, Jamie Gillis, Catherine Mary Stewart (dubbed with an English accent) and Hilary Thompson.
Keith Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) did the score.
NIGHTKILL (1980)--Directed by Ted Post.
Stars Jaclyn Smith, Robert Mitchum, Mike Connors, James Franciscus. Smith's first and last chance for big-screen stardom.
Her CHARLIE'S ANGELS co-star Farrah Fawcett-Majors got to make three theatrical bombs before returning to her TV roots, but
Jackie's lone shot was this muddled thriller filmed in Arizona. She plays Kathy Atwell, who's trapped in a loveless
marriage to wealthy industrialist Wendell Atwell (Connors), an arrogant, selfish boor who treats both his wife and his vice
president, Steve Fulton (Franciscus), worse than he does his pet monkeys. Finally, Fulton has enough of Wendell's crap,
and poisons him right in front of Kathy, his lover. She's horrified by the murder, but agrees to Steve's plan so they
can be together. Tensions run high when Lt. Donner (Mitchum) shows up at the Atwell house to investigate.
Aside from a not terribly exciting car chase, NIGHTKILL consists
of much talk and little action, which has the unfortunate side effect of asking Smith to carry the film alone. She's
in nearly every scene, but lacks the skills and charisma to hold one's attention, and her character is written by Joan Andre
as such a simp that it's hard to feel any sympathy for her situation. Connors, who nearly always played heroes, gets
to ham it up in a big cowboy hat and Western accent, while Franciscus and Mitchum pick up paychecks. Some odd directorial
choices and the prominent placing of the producers' names in the opening credits suggest post-production tampering with Ted
Post's vision, not that NIGHTKILL could have ever been much to speak of. Some profanity and graphic burn makeup indicate
NIGHTKILL was made for theatrical distribution, but it doesn't appear to have received a rating from the MPAA. Also
with Fritz Weaver, Sybil Danning, Tina Menard, Belinda Mayne and Michael Anderson Jr. Music by Gunther Fischer.
Post previously directed BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES with Franciscus, who was making a lot of disaster and Italian horror
movies during this period. He played JFK in 1981 with Smith as JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY.
NIGHTMARE AT 43 HILLCREST (1974)—Directed
by Lela Swift. Stars James Hutton, Peter Mark Richman, John Karlen, Mariette Hartley, Walter Brooke. Johnny Carson’s
decades-long reign as King of Late Night Television left a lot of competition eating his ratings dust. CBS and ABC tried
for years to counter-program talk shows of their own, but Les Crane, Merv Griffin and Dick Cavett, among others, were never
strong enough to topple THE TONIGHT SHOW. Eventually, the competing networks gave up on talk shows and looked for alternate
programming that might lure an audience hungry for something new in late night.
In the mid-1970’s, ABC developed an umbrella title, ABC’S
WIDE WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT, an intriguing concept that juggled several different types of shows and specials in the 11:30
timeslot. Among the various spokes in the WIDE WORLD wheel were talk shows hosted by Dick Cavett and Jack Paar; IN CONCERT,
which featured live performances by popular rock acts; documentaries; profiles of Hollywood stars such as Elizabeth Taylor;
comedy and variety specials; and even low-budget thrillers produced under the WIDE WORLD OF MYSTERY banner.
According to ABC, more than 200 made-for-TV mystery movies were
telecast during the 1973-1974 season alone. To save on production costs, these cheapies were shot very quickly on videotape
instead of 35mm film and ran only around 70 minutes. Despite the small budgets and audiences, ABC attracted many popular
television actors to star in these mysteries, which probably took only a few days to shoot: Christopher George, Michael
Parks, Julie Newmar, Meredith Baxter, John Vernon, John Astin, Claude Akins, Fritz Weaver, Anne Francis and Tim Matheson,
just to name a few. None of them ever air on television these days, and very few made it to home video. Some of
them may no longer exist, as it was common then for networks to erase videotaped programming so they could reuse the tapes,
which is why many game shows and even the first ten years of THE TONIGHT SHOW no longer exist.
NIGHTMARE AT 43 HILLCREST may be a typical example of the kind of
simple though diverting entertainment the WIDE WORLD OF MYSTERY offered. It has a top cast and a decent teleplay.
If you can get past its soap-opera look, occasional technical flubs and one-take performances, it isn’t a bad way to
spend 65 minutes. The Leydens, a typical American family, are forcibly awakened in the middle of the night by a group
of gun-waving men who yank them out of bed, shout at them, and even smack father Greg (Hutton) in the face. No, they
aren’t burglers, but police detectives making a drug bust. Unfortunately, they’ve made a mistake and raided
the wrong house. To cover up his gross error, lead detective Clarence Hartog (Richman) plants heroin and hauls the whole
family, including teenage daughter Nancy, to jail. The case looks open-and-shut. The Leydens’ attorney urges
them to plea-bargain. Greg refuses, even though long prison sentences seem certain. The family’s one hope
is policeman Frank Linwood (Karlen), who suspects Hartog’s plan and risks his career to take his suspicions to the grand
jury.
If you think the story is implausible, you should know that, in
2006, three Atlanta cops raided the wrong house and shot at a 92-year-old woman 39 times, killing her, and planted drugs in
her house to cover up their mess. A sad story, but one that lends some verisimilitude to this 35-year-old late-night
melodrama, which serves up a very good performance by Karlen and solid work by vets Richman and Hutton. Director Lela
Swift was virtually the only woman helming network television then, and earned her stripes on more than 500 episodes of DARK
SHADOWS, the creation of NIGHTMARE AT 43 HILLCREST’s executive producer Dan Curtis (John Karlen was a regular on DARK
SHADOWS, as well). Also with Emmaline Henry, Don Dubbins, Richard Stahl and Linda Curtis. Robert Cobert composed
the sparse score, and the whole movie was taped on only a few small sets.
NIGHTMARE AT NOON (1987)--Directed by Nico
Mastorakis. Stars Wings Hauser, Bo Hopkins, George Kennedy, Brion James, Kimberly Beck, Kimberly Ross. An
all-star trash-movie cast assembles for this non-stop action/horror movie set in a tiny Utah desert town. City-bred
attorney Hauser and his bimbo blond wife Beck, on vacation, pick up hitchhiking Hopkins in their motor home and stop off at
a small-town diner for a quick breakfast. Toast turns into terror when one of the locals suddenly goes mad, stabbing
the waitress in the hand with a fork and fighting off Hauser and Hopkins with tremendous strength. Not even bullets
fired by ex-cop Hopkins can bring down the man, who bleeds green blood and has clearly gone out of his mind. Soon the
entire town is besieged by ordinary, normal citizens whose skin has turned green and have erupted in brutal violence, wildly
killing everyone in sight. A magnetic field around the town prevents anyone from splitting, leaving it up to Hauser
and Hopkins (Beck also changes into a zombie and is locked up in the pokey for her protection) to team up with the local law,
sheriff Kennedy and his pretty daughter deputy (Ross), to investigate. What we know from the beginning is that a silent
albino (James) working for the alleged Agency for the Protection of the Environment (uh, yes, that's "APE") has introduced
a fluorescent green chemical to the town's water supply, turning everyone who drank some that morning into a raging madman.
Why? I dunno.
Besides the presence of its stars, who have been known to brighten
up a dismal film on occasion, NIGHTMARE shines because of its action scenes, of which there are surprisingly many. Cars
blow up, people are shot and motorcycle riders are set on fire. Mastorakis clearly spent much time and most of his budget
crafting the film's action, which is quite good for a film at this level. Adding to the atmosphere is the lovely Utah
landscape, an authentic small-town atmosphere, and an attitude more comic-booky than horrific. Although there's a lot
of violence, it isn't meanspirited or overly gory, and Mastorakis and his actors perform with just enough of their tongue
in their cheek to keep the action from getting too heavy. Hauser, who was reportedly trouble on the set, is surprisingly
left in the background in favor of Hopkins, whose wry good-ol'-boy charm fits perfectly with Mastorakis' vision. Kennedy
is very good as well playing a decent if unsophisticated man coming to grips with the idea of destroying monstrous versions
of people he has known most of his life. Stanley Myers and future Oscar winner Hans Zimmer (GLADIATOR) provide the score.
Omega Entertainment's DVD is part of the "Nico Mastorakis Collection",
which surely only exists because Omega is owned by the director (is anyone really clamoring for a collection of Mastorakis
movies?). He doesn't provide a commentary for NIGHTMARE (which would probably have been interesting), but does voice
a continuing series called "The Films of Nico Mastorakis", where he narrates a running commentary over clips from all of his
films. This has been broken into at least three different chapters (each chapter is on a different Omega DVD); Part
II on NIGHTMARE covers THE ZERO BOYS, TERMINAL EXPOSURE and THE WIND (which stars Wings Hauser). Several trailers for
Mastorakis movies are included on the disc, as well as talent bios and filmographies for much of the main cast and crew (including
composers Myers and Zimmer).
NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY (1976)--Directed by
John Llewellyn Moxey. Stars Deborah Raffin, Lynne Moody, Chuck Connors, Robert Reed, Tina Louise. Only in the
'70s could a movie this downbeat and sleazy air on network television. Not only does NIGHTMARE present a depressing
and even frightening look at prison life (so much so that I have seen this film referred to as "horror"), but Vidmark Entertainment's
home video version is one assembled for overseas theatrical release, which means extra scenes of depravity, profanity and
full-frontal nudity have been added to what was already an intense viewing experience.
Two sweet college coeds--white Cathy (Raffin) and black Diane (Moody)--are
arrested on trumped-up charges in a small Mississippi town, where Diane is raped by the bigoted local sheriff (Connors).
Without benefit of an attorney, due process or even a phone call (the judge is the sheriff's cousin), the girls are tossed
into the Badham County Farm, which is run by a pedophile rapist named Harry Dancer (Reed) and his main trusty, the cruel Greer
(Louise). Racism and violence ran rampant behind the scenes, as the prisoners are segregated by color and given separate
quarters, jobs and eating schedules. What were originally supposed to be 30-day sentences for Cathy and Diane eventually
become more serious, as Dancer's high-placed political pals need more slave labor for their farms, and the girls realize that
their only way out is escape or death.
Unlike, for instance, the women-in-prison pictures made by New World
Pictures and directed by Jack Hill, NIGHTMARE is a joyless experience, preferring to heap physical and emotional distress
upon its characters with little hope of rescue. Adding to the squirminess are the additional R-rated material, which
range from a jarring insert of Lynne Moody's body double's bare breasts during the rape to lengthy scenes of inmates and guards
(none of whom are played by the cast's major stars) stripping or being stripped, whipping or being whipped. These scenes
may not have been directed by Moxey, as they are crudely blocked and quickly lensed, and would fit more cleanly into a Jesus
Franco picture than during the dinner hour on ABC.
While not a "fun" film, NIGHTMARE is fascinating nonetheless, if
only because of the recognizable television actors who surprisingly allow themselves to appear extremely unsympathetic, whether
it's Connors ripping apart Moody's shirt or BRADY BUNCH dad Reed, who looks slimy in his white leisure suits and large, round
white Afro, coercing a 15-year-old virgin into the sack. Raffin and Moody are very good at projecting the necessary
desperation and vulnerability, although their behavior leading up to their arrest seems designed to making the audience feel
as though they deserve what's coming to them, talking as they do about their various boyfriends and their independence.
However, the deck is so stacked against them that you quickly get on their side. Perhaps it's too stacked--it's difficult
to believe that everybody in town is content to go along with the conspiracy headed by Reed and Connors, which also reaches
to the local mayor and even the governor's office.
Charles Bernstein (WHITE LIGHTNING) provides a masterful score,
and it's hard to believe that a script this misogynistic was penned by a woman (Jo Heims, whose credits include PLAY MISTY
FOR ME). Also with Della Reese, whose performance was nominated for an Emmy (!), Fionnula Flanagan, Lana Wood, Ralph
Bellamy and Denise Dillaway (THE CHEERLEADERS). Shot in Mississippi, which provided some suitably rundown locations.
WIPs were popular on television at the time, extending as far as a notorious episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS ("Angels In Chains",
which guest-starred Kim Basinger) and a remake of JACKSON COUNTY JAIL with the same director (Michael Miller) and star (Yvette
Mimieux).
NIGHTMARE IN WAX (1966)--Directed by Bud
Townsend. Stars Cameron Mitchell, Anne Helm, Berry Kroeger. Makeup artist Vincent Renard (Mitchell) was the most respected
makeup man in Hollywood before he was disfigured in a jealous rage by studio head Max Black (Kroeger). Black and Renard were
both in love with beautiful starlet Marie Morgan (Helm), now Hollywood's brightest new star. Renard's new gig is as statue
maker at the Hollywood Wax Museum (Townsend actually shot there), where visitors are wowed by Renard's lifelike wax renderings.
Little do they know that Renard has developed a serum that immobilizes its victims, and is kidnapping Black's star actors
and putting their zombified bodies on display. Crude and silly, NIGHTMARE is fun to watch because of Mitchell's scenery-chewing
and the entertainment value in watching live actors stick their heads through a hole in a table and attempt to remain motionless.
Scott Brady and future KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS director John "Bud" Cardos play detectives, while vivacious redhead Victoria
Carroll registers as a sexy but dumb dancer. Also with Phillip Baird and Kent Osborne. Writer/executive producer Rex Carlton
made THE BRAIN THAT WOULDNT DIE! Helm costarred with Elvis in FOLLOW THAT DREAM. Not released until 1969, NIGHTMARE IN WAX
reunited Mitchell with Townsend, who had directed the star's syndicated TV series THE BEACHCOMBER.
A NIGHTMARE
ON ELM STREET (1984)--Directed by Wes Craven. Stars Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, John Saxon, Ronee Blakely,
Johnny Depp. First of the increasingly silly franchise is actually pretty good, unlike most of its sequels. A teenage girl
(Langenkamp) is haunted by nightmares where she is terrorized by a disfigured man with sharp blades for fingers. When other
teens have the same dream and are brutally murdered in their sleep, Langenkamp deduces the monster responsible may be Freddy
Krueger (Englund), a child molester burned to death by vigilante parents years earlier. An interesting concept is destroyed
by making Freddy more of a comic figure with lots of one-liners instead of a mysterious horrific character. I wish Saxon had
more to do. Awful and confusing ending. Langenkamp returned for the third in the series, and later played Olympic figure skater
Nancy Kerrigan in a TV-movie. Also scripted by Craven and produced by New Line head Robert Shaye. Music by Charles Bernstein.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE (1985)--Directed by Jack Sholder. Stars Robert
Englund, Mark Patton, Kim Myers, Clu Gulager, Hope Lange. Psychotic madman Freddy Krueger (Englund) is back and as terrifying
as ever. When teenager Patton moves into town, Freddy takes over his body to use when slashing teenagers to death. He's stopped
when Patton's girlfriend (Myers) performs an exorcism. More bloody thrills with slick direction by Sholder and good support
by veterans Gulager and Lange. Music by Christopher Young. From the director of THE HIDDEN.
A NIGHTMARE ON
ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987)--Directed by Chuck Russell. Stars Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon,
Craig Wasson, Patricia Arquette. Freddy Krueger's major transformation from terrifying screen villain to comical folk hero.
Seven teenaged victims of Freddy's previous rampages are having bad dreams and are sent to an asylum for treatment. When Freddy
starts attacking them through their nightmares, it's up to doctor Wasson and intern Langenkamp (reprising her role from the
original) to stop him. The visual effects and photography are well done, but the film's jokey edge takes away much of the
suspense. Look for cameos by Dick Cavett and Zsa Zsa Gabor! Wes Craven co-wrote this slick sequel with Oscar-winner Frank
Darabont (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION). Familiar faces in the cast include Brooke Bundy, Jennifer Rubin, Laurence Fishburne and
Priscilla Pointer. Music by Angelo Badalamenti (TWIN PEAKS).
NIGHTMARES (1983)--Directed by Joseph
Sargent. Stars Emilio Estevez, Richard Masur, Cristina Raines, Lance Henriksen. A good cast and tight direction
enliven this four-part horror anthology that was originally made for network television. Universal instead added a gory
prologue and released it theatrically. In “Terror in Topanga,” housewife Raines goes out late at night for
smokes and tangles with a homicidal maniac. “The Bishop of Battle” finds teen videogame addict Estevez obsessed
with the eponymous game of his life…or death. “The Benediction” finds fallen priest Henriksen in the
desert battling a murderous truck with no driver a la DUEL. And “Night of the Rat” pits a suburban family
against the biggest, meanest rat you ever saw. All four stories deliver decently in the horror department, although
“Topanga,” at about 17 minutes, is too short to build up enough suspense for the climax to really play, and “Rat”
suffers from subpar special effects. William Sanderson, Veronica Cartwright, Moon Unit Zappa, Tony Plana and Billy Jacoby
fill out the cast. Writers Christopher Crowe and Jeffrey Bloom previously created DARKROOM, a horror anthology series
that lasted only seven weeks on ABC. It’s possible NIGHTMARES’ scripts were originally intended for that
series.
NIGHTSTICK (1987)--Directed by Joseph L. Scanlan. Stars Bruce Fairbairn, Kerrie Keane,
Robert Vaughn, John Vernon, Leslie Nielsen. This Manhattan-set crime drama has the whiff of Canada all over it (it was
shot in Toronto). Former ROOKIES rookie Fairbairn plays Calhoun, a tough “lone wolf” detective hated by
his officious boss Vaughn (basically reprising his BULLITT role from twenty years earlier) and respected, luckily, by Vaughn’s
practical boss Nielsen (in a rare post-AIRPLANE non-comic performance). Three brothers rip off some chemical warehouses
and use the booty to make nitroglycerine, with which they plan to blow up the city unless banker Vernon pays them $5 million.
It’s a pretty straightforward cop movie with no surprises and little action that could just as easily have been a TV
pilot with a few R-rated curse words excised. Vaughn’s and Nielsen’s roles are superfluous, unless they’re
intended to be red herrings, although their name value may have gotten the movie financed. Fairbairn didn’t have
much of a film career, but is fine here. Robert O. Ragland’s score helps drive the story. NIGHT HEAT’s
Clark Johnson has an unbilled cameo, and look for SNL’s Tony Rosato.
9 1/2 WEEKS (1986)--Directed by Adrian Lyne.
Stars Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. Another in a long line of idiotic dramas directed by Lyne. This one stars Rourke as
a weirdo who manipulates Basinger into a kinky sexual relationship. Supposed to be erotic, but isn't, and who could believe
the sexy Basinger would be attracted to the slimy Rourke in the first place? From the director of INDECENT PROPOSAL.
NINE MONTHS (1995)--Directed by Chris Columbus.
Stars Hugh Grant, Julianne Moore, Tom Arnold, Joan Cusack. This innocuous ball of fluff received a ton of pre-release buzz
when its British leading man, Hugh Grant, was arrested with a prostitute in Hollywood. As somebody once said, "There's no
such thing as bad publicity", and there's no question the cover stories and talk-show monologue jokes caused box-office grosses
for this silliness to be higher than it deserved. Grant plays a confirmed bachelor who becomes skittish when he discovers
his girlfriend (Moore) is pregnant and wants to be married. After a horribly contrived "meet cute", they form an unlikely
friendship with a boorish couple (the untalented Arnold and the usually good Cusack) with a trio of unruly children. The film
bounces from mawkish sentimentality to childish slapstick with reckless abandon, not surprisingly since NINE MONTHS was directed
by HOME ALONE helmer Columbus. Robin Williams and Jeff Goldblum turn in amusing cameos, but they don't have enough screen
time. Grant "blows" his American screen debut big time.
976-EVIL II (1992)—Directed by Jim
Wynorski. Stars Patrick O’Bryan, Debbie James, Rene Assa. I don’t think anyone was asking for a sequel
to Robert Englund’s 976-EVIL, but Wynorski gave us one anyway. It’s not very good, although it opens with
a signature Wynorski shower scene and later features a lively car chase that shows actress Monique Gabrielle really riding
in an auto that’s being smashed up. Otherwise, this is a blah horror film with simple but still unexceptional
visual effects. College president Grubeck (Assa) receives a Satanic telephone call that allows him to summon his astral
being to slip out of his body and commit murders. His unprofessional crush on sexy student Robin (James) leads to his
downfall, as she teams up with leather-garbed biker Spike (O’Bryan, returning from the first movie) to defeat him.
Dull scripting and thesping lead to this movie’s downfall. ALICE child star Philip McKeon appears, as do soap
actor Rod McCary, Buck Flower, Brigitte Nielsen and Karen Mayo-Chandler. Music by Chuck Cirino.
NINE TO FIVE (1980)--Directed by Colin Higgins.
Stars Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton, Dabney Coleman, Sterling Hayden. Parton's breezy performance in her acting debut
is the best thing in this comedy about three women enacting revenge upon their embezzling sexist boss (Coleman). Fonda's comic
timing is surprisingly good, and Coleman went on to play dozens of variations on his piggish character here. Dolly's theme
song was a major pop and country hit.
1941 (1979)--Directed by Steven Spielberg.
Stars Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Tim Matheson, Robert Stack, Bobby DiCicco, Ned Beatty, Dianne Kay, Toshiro Mifune, Christopher
Lee, Treat Williams, Nancy Allen. Spielberg followed up JAWS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS with this bloated box-office bomb that lost
a lot of money for co-financing studios Universal and Columbia. Critics were pretty merciless in reaming this loud, crude,
unfunny turkey, and, while it's sometimes argued that they used 1941 as an excuse to knock the 33-year-old director off his
pedestal, it's pretty clear that the film deserved every barb it received. It is energetic and contains a few moments of genuine
spectacle, but, more than anything else, 1941 is an aimless mess and a sinkhole of excess.
Loosely based on real-life
events following the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, Spielberg's film, based on a screenplay by Robert Zemeckis & Bob
Gale (BACK TO THE FUTURE), bounces aimlessly through various subplots all taking place during one night in Los Angeles as
a Japanese submarine, commanded by Mifune (YOJIMBO) and Nazi Captain Lee (HORROR OF DRACULA), surfaces just off the California
coast with a mission to bomb Hollywood. Caught in the fray are a horny Army captain (Matheson) trying to score with a comely
young secretary (Allen) who's only in the mood while airborne; zoot-suited Wally (DiCicco), preparing to win a big jitterbug
contest with virginal girlfriend Betty (Kay, on EIGHT IS ENOUGH at the time); an incompetent platoon of soldiers led by motor
pool sergeant Aykroyd; hot-tempered Corporal Sitarski (Williams), whose pursuit of Betty borders on date rape; family man
Ward Douglas (Beatty), whose beachside house represents America's last stand against the enemy sub; General Stilwell (Stack),
who avoids the downtown riots by watching DUMBO at a local bijou; and Wild Bill Kelso (Belushi), a psycho slob pilot obsessed
with shooting down Japanese Zeros.
Although the performances are decent enough (with Belushi, Aykroyd, Stack and Williams
coming off best), none of the actors are given real characters to play. It probably wouldn't matter if they had, since all
nuance is buried beneath mountains of smashing glass, exploding houses, tank chases, gunfire, plane crashes and lots and lots
of yelling (it says something that the closing cast credits are shown over scenes of each character screaming). Spielberg's
hamfisted direction is completely unfocused, jumping from scene to scene with little reason and less style. It's hard to believe
the script came from the same creative minds that created the raucously funny USED CARS and the clever and sweet BACK TO THE
FUTURE, since 1941 is flatly juvenile and unfunny.
In a film running 146 minutes and containing this much talent,
the law of averages dictates that something would have to work, and bits and pieces do, including a Ferris wheel that rolls
down a pier and into the ocean. A lavish musical setpiece that erupts into a full-scale riot is marvelously energetic, the
miniatures and special effects are excellently rendered, John Williams's score perfectly captures the anarchic spirit of the
production, and a gag featuring a tank that smashes through a paint factory, becomes covered with paint, then smashes through
a turpentine factory to emerge perfectly clean made me laugh.
1941 was Spielberg's first comedy, and it's probably
no coincidence that it's also (to date) his last. He has said his principal motivation for making 1941 was to smash a lot
of glass and blow stuff up, but perhaps he should have spent as much time working on the humor aspect as he obviously did
on the spectacle. 1941 is a maligned work of filmmaking for a very good reason.
William A. Fraker's gauzy cinematography
was nominated for an Oscar, as were the sound and visual effects. Also with Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton, Warren Oates,
John Candy, Eddie Deezen (with a ventriloquist's dummy!), Elisha Cook Jr., Perry Lang, Frank McRae, Patti LuPone, Slim Pickens,
Lionel Stander, Wendie Jo Sperber, Dub Taylor, Michael McKean and David L. Lander (TV's Lenny & Squiggy), Joe Flaherty,
Penny Marshall, Sydney Lassick, Susan Backlinie (the shark victim from the opening scene of JAWS who parodies herself in 1941's
first scene) and director Sam Fuller. If you don't blink, you might spot John Landis, Mickey Rourke, Audrey Landers, Dick
Miller and even James Caan as a sailor. Count the number of JAWS, I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND, USED CARS and BIG WEDNESDAY (directed
by 1941 executive producer John Milius) actors who appear.
1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982)--Directed
by Enzo G. Castellari. Stars Vic Morrow, Christopher Connelly, Fred Williamson, Mark Gregory, Stefania Girolami.
Filmed partially in New York, but mostly in Rome, this clunky Italian action movie mixes elements of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK,
THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE WARRIORS. A beautiful young woman named Ann (Girolami, the director’s daughter) flees
from her jerkwad businessman father into the Bronx, which, in the near-future of 1990, is a lawless No Man’s Land ruled
by several different gangs. One of them, roller-skating goons called the Zombies, attacks Ann, but she’s rescued
by Trash (Gregory), leader of the motorcycle-riding Riders. Her dad wants her back and dispatches Hammer (Morrow), a
corrupt cop, to find her. Williamson brightens up the action as silky Ogre, another gang leader, while Connelly plugs
along as a gimpy truck driver named Hot Dog. It’s all pretty silly--a solo drummer inexplicably plays along to
a meeting between Ogre’s and Trash’s gangs at the docks; the various gangs wear theatrical makeup and costumes;
Morrow’s character is wildly inconsistent in his tone and actions. If you choose not to follow along with the
script and enjoy some good action sequences and gore, I wouldn’t blame you. Gregory, reportedly a non-actor discovered
by Castellari in a gym, is perhaps the most fey action hero in history. He returned in a sequel, ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX.
Morrow died on the TWILIGHT ZONE set shortly after completing his work, and another actor dubs his performance. A stuntman
accidentally wiping out on his motorcycle is an unintentional highlight.
1969 (1988)--Directed by Ernest Thompson.
Stars Robert Downey, Jr., Kiefer Sutherland, Bruce Dern, Mariette Hartley, Winona Ryder, Joanna Cassidy. Turgid melodrama
starring Downey and Sutherland as college students trying to decide what to do with their lives after graduation and at the
peak of the Vietnam War. Ryder and Dern stand out, while Hartley has some truly embarrassing moments. Thompson won an Academy
Award for his ON GOLDEN POND screenplay.
99 AND 44/100% DEAD (1974)--Directed by John
Frankenheimer. Stars Richard Harris, Edmond O'Brien, Bradford Dillman, Ann Turkel, Chuck Connors. Action specialist
Frankenheimer directed this very odd movie starring Harris as Harry Crown, a hitman called in by mobster Frank Kelly (O'Brien)
after his rival, Big Eddie (Dillman), hires one-handed assassin Claw (Connors). Each kingpin wants to rub the other
out so he can take over the entire territory. For Claw, it's personal, since Crown was responsible for his missing hand
(although with all the kinky attachments he has for his new metal one, including shears and a cigarette lighter, you'd think
he'd be thanking Harry instead of trying to kill him). Frankenheimer and writer Robert Dillon (FRENCH CONNECTION II)
spice up the storyline by injecting an eccentric Pop Art sensibility, sort of a black-humored EC comic book come to life (the
opening titles are colorfully animated, complete with Bam! and Pow! word balloons). Harris comes off best among the
cast by playing it basically straight, but Dillman's cartoony mugging, complete with squeaky accent, is for the birds.
Turkel, who married Harris about this time, was somehow nominated for a Golden Globe award. Groovy score by Henry Mancini
captures the tone perfectly, even if Frankenheimer's direction always doesn't. Also with Roy Jensen,
David Hall, Kathrine Baumann and Janice Heiden.
NINJA AVENGERS (1988)--Directed by Joseph Lai.
Stars Richard Harrison, Stuart Smith. This is another of those Godfreyforsaken ninja flicks cobbled together by Godfrey
Ho and Joseph Lai for IFD in the 1980s. What they do is take some obscure, possibly unreleased martial arts film and
cut it together with completely senseless wraparound footage starring American expatriate Harrison. Don't ask me what
this film is about or who's in it. I can say that an Asian martial artist named Dragon (how original) and an American
(?) named Antonio team up to wander around the countryside getting into fights. Antonio carries a giant wooden cross
over his shoulder throughout the film, and if you can't guess its secret, then you haven't seen DJANGO. Meanwhile, a
crook named Ringo (Smith) gets out of jail after a five-year sentence. The "prison" is literally four feet of fake wall
with a sign that says "Jail" taped to it. He meets his two goons, who inform him that Antonio is the missionary who
ratted him out to the cops. Ringo swears vengeance upon Antonio, but he and his men must first do battle with Antonio's
brother, a master ninja (Harrison). Ringo and his boys are also ninja; they even wear frou-frou headbands with the word
"ninja" stenciled on it so they don't forget. Yes, there are some sharp laughs in this ridiculous picture, but it's
mostly very boring, and I can't recommend it.
NINJA DESTROYER (1987)--Directed by Godfrey Ho.
I'm not even going to speculate as to whether the credited cast and crewmembers of this IFD production are real. The
film is a real mess, that's for sure. Ho appears to have taken a Thai or Indonesian action movie about rival gangs fighting
over an emerald mine, and spliced in newly filmed scenes involving a pair of white guys who dress in ninja outfits.
One of them is named Byron and has a mustache. He's the good ninja who teams up with his contact, Chester, to infiltrate
one of the gangs. The two actors never appear in the same shot, though, and it's clear Ho has roughly edited together
shots that don't belong together. Byron's enemy is Michael, a repulsive-looking Australian (!) ninja who seems scarred
by his Vietnam experiences and wears a headband with the word "ninja" written on it, just in case we doubted his credentials.
Most of the time, we follow Chester's struggle to do whatever it is he's assigned to do, but every ten minutes or so, we cut
back to either Michael or Byron training against a bunch of fellow ninja, which eventually leads to a wildly funny climax
in which the two pop in and out of thin air and materialize weapons out of the dust. The decrepit dubbing leads to a
lot of funny dialogue. A must-see for bad-movie fans.
NINJA STRIKES BACK (1982)—Directed by Bruce
Le & Joseph Velasco. Stars Bruce Le, Bolo Yeung, Harold Sakata. How do I know this is a Dick Randall production? It has
topless women frolicking in a swimming pool! None of them are playing tennis, unfortunately (see CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER).
It does have Bruce Le, though, as an ex-hood named Bruce who tries to go straight, but is drawn back into the game when his
former gang kills his girlfriend and kidnaps the daughter of a prominent ambassador (played by Randall). Bored actresses make
out on camera for no other reason than the producer wanted them too, and I’m sure Randall made sure he was on the set
that day. Le’s kung fu battle with a fat black guy is funny, but the best villains are Japanese ninjas played by big
Chinese Bolo Yeung and Olympic medalist Harold Sakata, who references his most famous film role by wearing a metal hand with
gold fingers! There’s a lot of nudity, a kung fu fight on a beach, Randall’s red-haired wife as a cop with very
unconvincing fight scenes (she’s billed as Chick Norris!), one hilarious decapitation (“Fight now!”), and
a climactic showdown at the Colosseum in which Le’s ballbusting is showcased using cartoon animation! Randall shelled
out bucks for location shooting in Rome, Paris, and Macao, but probably didn’t pay for the music swiped from Earth,
Wind & Fire, Lalo Schifrin, Cat Stevens, and John Barry!
NINJA III: THE DOMINATION (1983)--Directed
by Sam Firstenberg. Stars Sho Kosugi, Lucinda Dickey, Jordan Bennett, David Chung. Odd mixture of FLASHDANCE, THE EXORCIST
and REVENGE OF THE NINJA casts pretty Dickey as a telephone lineman/aerobics instructor (!) who becomes possessed by the soul
of an evil ninja assassin (Chung) who was shot down by the local cops. Dickey is now driven to use her new powers to exact
revenge upon the policeman responsible for her (his?) death, which becomes difficult when she falls in love with one of them
(Bennett, who is obnoxious). As usual for a Kosugi or Firstenberg flick, the martial-arts action is pretty slick and exciting,
especially the opening sequence on a golf course during which dozens of cops are mowed down by the chopsocky slayer, who also
crushes a golf ball into powder with his bare hands, leaps over a speeding car, brings down a helicopter singlehandedly, and
survives a few hundred gunshot wounds before finally expiring. The dialogue, performances and plot implausibilities actually
serve to make this movie more entertaining that it probably would have been otherwise, so savor NINJA III as the hilarious
time-waster that it is. Cannon's followup to ENTER THE NINJA and REVENGE OF THE NINJA. Also with James Hong, Dale Ishimoto,
Bob Craig and Pamela Ness. Kosugi also choreographed the fight sequences. Synthesizer score by Udi Harpaz and Misha Segal.
NINJA U.S.A. (1988)—Directed by Dennis
Wu. Stars Alexander Lou. I’ve seen this picture twice, and I’m still not entirely sure what happened.
There’s an evil villain named Tyger McPherson (!) who has a large army of ninja that work out at his massive ninja-training
camp. For some reason, he kidnaps Penny, the wife of reporter Jerry (Lou), which pisses Jerry off so much that he dons
ninja gear and busts into McPherson’s fortress to rescue her. The talking stuff is so boring that I couldn’t
keep up very well. The fighting is fun, but who knows who is fighting or why at any given moment. Director Wu
undercranks the camera to make the action look unrealistically faster than it really is. There are worse films with
the word “ninja” in the title, but a lot of better ones too.
NINJA VENGEANCE (1990)—Directed by Karl R.
Armstrong. Stars Janet Pawlak, Craig Boyett, David Paul Lord. Armstrong served as director, co-writer, editor, and co-producer
of this ninja-vs-redneck flick shot in Texas. And a more inept ninja movie you’ve rarely seen, as Armstrong shows no
affinity for screenwriting or fight choreography. Drifter Chris Mason (Boyett), trapped in a Southern town when his motorcycle
(a Kawasaki Ninja!) breaks down, witnesses the Ku Klux Klan murdering a young black man. The local cops, who were involved
in the killing, frame Chris for it, but Sam (Pawlak), a friend of the victim, breaks Chris out of jail to help her get justice.
The acting is hilariously rotten in this completely post-synched production, and Pawlak’s Mom jeans don’t do her
figure any favors. Among the WTF moments are a scene where Chris and Sam throw mudballs at one another, Chris’ whining
(“I’m still learning”) after accidentally killing the corrupt sheriff, racist deputy Jess’ (Lord)
pep talk to his Klan buddies (“With a Bible in one hand, and a gun in my other…”), the real Texas signs
betraying the supposed North Carolina setting, and Chris’ homoerotic flashbacks to training with his mentor on a beach.
Boyett is one of the wimpiest ninjas ever, and for all the talk about ninjas being invisible warriors, this guy can’t
go ten minutes without getting caught by some brainless redneck. Also with Fredrick Phillips, Chuck Scott, William French,
and Stephen K. Hayes.
THE NINTH GATE (2000)--Directed by Roman
Polanski. Stars Johnny Depp, Frank Langella, Lena Olin, Emmanuelle Seigner. Satan sure is busy these days. He was a high-priced
Manhattan lawyer in THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE, he battled Arnold Schwarzenegger in his effort to impregnate a young woman in END
OF DAYS, and he even landed his own animated sitcom, GOD, THE DEVIL & BOB (where he was voiced by Alan Cumming). When
does he find the time to cause earthquakes, create disease and pestilence, and turn Adam Sandler into a major movie star?
In Roman Polanski's first horror film since 1976's THE TENANT, Lucifer's skills as an author and artist are on display, and,
while they may appear crude by today's standards, the film's characters are literally dying to possess his work.
Depp
stars as Dean Corso, a professional book hunter who gets paid big bucks to travel around the world seeking and purchasing
rare tomes for his well-to-do clients. In Depp's previous horror film, SLEEPY HOLLOW, he was a bundle of twitchy nerves playing
a cowardly Ichabod Crane, and although he's still a reluctant hero, Corso--who has been known to gently fleece a client or
two--is a much more confident and cynical one. The range and subtle charms of both characters are a fine showcase for Depp's
skills.
Following a very cool and ominous opening title sequence, Corso is hired by one of his regular clients, New
York financier Boris Balkan (Langella), to track down two of the three existing copies of a 17th-century book of the occult
entitled THE NINE GATES OF THE KINGDOM OF THE SHADOWS, which was allegedly co-written and illustrated by the Devil. Balkan
already owns the third copy, and wants Corso to travel to Portugal and France to authenticate and, if possible, procure the
other two through any possible means. Corso is not the only party interested in the books; one former owner, Liana Telfer
(Olin), vamps him in an effort to get Balkan's volume, an enigmatic blonde (Polanski's real-life wife Seigner) with seemingly
supernatural abilities pops up at regular intervals to aid him with a few well-aimed karate kicks, and many other characters
are murdered by an unknown assailant.
It becomes apparent that possession of all three volumes can allow their owner
to summon Ol' Scratch, and that's where Polanski and his writing partners run into trouble. GATE's fiery climax is so muddled
and foolish that it made me wonder whether or not the projectionist had switched reels with another movie. Although the picture
is leisurely paced, Polanski and Depp manage to keep things interesting, slowly revealing clues so that we aren't able to
figure things out before the hero (which can be frustrating for an audience). The screenplay is actually constructed as a
private eye yarn, with book detective Corso gathering clues, being seduced by Raymond Chandler-esque femme fatales (which
Polanski humorously acknowledges in one Depp-Olin exchange), and getting hit in the head more often than Mannix in his worst
month.
Polanski has enough confidence in his material to--for the most part--eschew elaborate chases and special effects,
although when he does use them--as in casting a single actor (Jose Lopez Rodero) to play twin book dealers--they're wittily
integrated into the story. Using cinematographer Darius Khondji's voyeuristic camera, which darts nervously down hallways
and through doorways, and Wojciech Kilar's edgy score to set up an impending sense of dread, Polanski has made one hour and
45 minutes of a smart and atmospheric horror film--a breath of fresh air amid Hollywood's current trend of post-modern teen
slasher flicks. It's only at the end, when Depp visits an isolated French castle, that THE NINTH GATE falls apart, using logic
impenetrable to normal thinking.
Depp maintains a strong anchor, wisely playing his character completely straight
and allowing his own innate smarts to shine through. Langella commands most of the scenes he's in, and manages to cast his
Faustian pall over the lengthy midsection in which he doesn't appear, but his presence is definitely felt. Olin slinks as
well as any actress can, although Seigner is an astonishingly bad actress who would obviously have never been cast if she
weren't the directors wife (her performance in FRANTIC was no better).
Ironically, Polanski himself is an atheist--and
so obviously doesn't believe in the Devil--which may account for his lack of sincerity in presenting a serious and intelligent
climax. On the other hand, he also directed ROSEMARY'S BABY, one of the finest demon-possession films in horror history.
Also with Barbara Jefford, James Russo, Jack Taylor, Tony Amoni and Willy Holt. Filmed on location in Spain, Portugal and
Paris, with studio backlots substituting for New York locations.
NIXON (1995)--Directed by Oliver
Stone. Stars Anthony Hopkins, Joan Allen, James Woods, J.T. Walsh. One of Stone's best films depicts the life and times of
the only U.S. President to resign his office in disgrace. Stone's biography of Richard Milhous Nixon effectively traces the
man's life and accomplishments, including his Quaker upbringing in 1920's California, 1960 debate with John Kennedy, negotiations
with China, and, of course, Watergate, using flashbacks, crisp editing and a marvelous cast. British actor Hopkins doesn't
really resemble Nixon, but he does capture the essence and complexities of one of this country's most enigmatic leaders. It's
one of Hopkins' best performances. Allen is stunning as the perpetually frustrated First Lady, and the rest of the cast, including
Woods (H.R. Haldeman), Walsh (John Ehrlichman), David Hyde Pierce (John Dean), Bob Hoskins (J. Edgar Hoover), Ed Harris (E.
Howard Hunt), Powers Boothe (Alexander Haig) and Mary Steenburgen (Nixon's mother Hannah), is equally strong. Also with David
Paymer, Tony Goldwyn, Michael Chiklis, Larry Hagman and Bridgette Wilson. What may be most interesting is the way the notoriously
liberal Stone has gone out of his way to present a balanced and fair portrayal of a man who was such an enemy of the left
wing during the Vietnam War era. Music by John Williams.
NO DEPOSIT, NO RETURN (1976)--Directed by
Norman Tokar. Stars Darren McGavin, Don Knotts, David Niven, Herschel Bernardi, Barbara Feldon. Amiable Disney comedy about
a couple of lonely children who convince a pair of small-time crooks (McGavin, Knotts) to stage a phony kidnapping so they
can visit their mother in Hong Kong. The kids' grandfather (Niven) tracks them down. The engaging cast rises above the typical
Walt Disney material. Also with Kim Richards and Brad Savage as the children.
NO ESCAPE (1994)--Directed
by Martin Campbell. Stars Ray Liotta, Stuart Wilson, Lance Henriksen, Ernie Hudson, Michael Lerner, Kevin Dillon.
Why wasn't this film a bigger hit? I saw it in a mostly empty theater upon its 1994 theatrical release, and, catching
up with it for a second time ten years later on DVD, I still consider NO ESCAPE to be a taut, nicely acted, crisply photographed
action picture. Perhaps there was a problem with its distribution; Savoy Pictures was also responsible for such expensive
box-office failures as HEAVEN'S PRISONERS, EXIT TO EDEN and STEAL BIG, STEAL LITTLE. With a friend like Savoy, I'm not
sure a film like NO ESCAPE needs any enemies.
In the year 2022, when prisons are owned by corporations and
run by sadistic pencil-pushers like The Warden (Lerner), Special Forces captain Robbins (Liotta) is sentenced to life in prison
for murdering his cruel commanding officer who ordered him to wipe out nearly 400 women and children in a covert raid.
The government, which awarded Robbins a medal, covered up the tragedy, but the guilt of being honored for committing such
a heinous act has caused him to turn his back on humanity.
The Warden sends Robbins to a secret island prison called
Absolom, where there are no walls or guards, and the inmates are under constant satellite surveillance. Supplies arrive
twice a month, but only to the Outsiders, one of two factions of prisoners. The Outsiders, run by sarcastic despot Walter
Marek (Wilson), are vicious animals who have formed a violent survival-of-the-fittest society a la LORD OF THE FLIES.
After escaping from the Outsiders, Robbins is welcomed by the Insiders, peaceful folk led by the benevolent robe-wearing Father
(Henriksen) who grow their own food and protect each other from the Outsiders' frequent invasions. While Robbins is
hesitant about joining any type of society and wishes only to escape, the Insiders desperately need his leadership and combat
skills to avoid being wiped out by their enemies.
Exploitation-movie fans will likely recognize NO ESCAPE's
many influences--including FORTRESS, THE ROAD WARRIOR and especially TERMINAL ISLAND, a 1974 drive-in flick with essentially
the same premise, plus nude women--but that doesn't prevent it from being an entertaining film in its own right. Although
several of its characters fill time in between spectacular action scenes engaging in conversations about redemption, guilt
and the price of survival, NO ESCAPE is a zinger of an adventure with few pretensions. Lovingly photographed by Phil
Meheux on the coast of Queensland, Australia, it offers plenty of excitement and even a bit of righteous gore--heads definitely
do roll under the direction of Campbell, who followed this up with the James Bond picture GOLDENEYE.
Based on Richard Herley's novel THE PRISON COLONY, the screenplay
by Michael Gaylin and Joel Gross is a bit porous in spots with its plot points (why is The Warden so interested in what happens
on Absolom anyway?), but the epic action scenes and mostly fine acting (Wilson's snooty Alan Rickman impersonation grows old
quickly) keep you too engaged to notice. Liotta is perfectly cast; although the presence of a bigger star name might
have made a difference at the box office, it's unlikely Campbell and producer Gale Anne Hurd (THE TERMINATOR) would have found
one who could believably handle both action and drama. Henriksen provides tension by adding a hint of underlying brutality
to his charismatic paterfamilias, and Hudson as Henriksen's number-two man and Dillon as a youthful innocent lend solid support.
Although NO ESCAPE opened at #1 in April 1994, it was with
a gross of only about $4.5 million, and its total intake was around $15 million. However, don't let its financial underachievement
steer you away from it. I like that Campbell didn't attempt to shoehorn any women into the cast (there are no females
in the film), and Graeme Revell's score provides sensitive contrast to the explosions, flaming arrows, impaling and throat-slicings.
Also with Kevin J. O'Connor (THE MUMMY), Jack Shepherd, Don Henderson and Ian McNeice.
NO MERCY (1986)--Directed by Richard Pearce.
Stars Richard Gere, Kim Basinger, Jeroen Krabbe, George Dzundza, William Atherton. When Chicago cop Gere's partner is murdered,
Gere travels all the way to the Louisiana bayou to enact his revenge. He stumbles onto an evil scheme hatched by druglord
Krabbe, and ends up lost in a swamp and handcuffed to Krabbe's gorgeous but illiterate moll Basinger. A surprisingly good
thriller until it falls apart during an action-packed but completely implausible finale.
THE NO MERCY MAN (1975)--Directed by Daniel
J. Vance. Stars Steve Sandor, Richard X. Slattery, Rockne Tarkington. Special Forces soldier Olie Hand (Sandor)
returns from ‘Nam the same day a pair of carnies, one of whom is played by BLACK SAMSON’s Tarkington, invade his
family’s home and rough up his father (Slattery) and sister. Olie suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder,
and spends a lot of time sitting on his ass drunk for a guy known as the “no mercy” man. His buddies take
care of the heavy lifting when more carnies beat up Gus, the fat gas station attendant, and Slattery puts some buckshot into
Tarkington’s best friend when the carnies break in and steal the father’s gun collection. It’s not
until right before the final crawl that Olie snaps out of his funk, popping some caps into the bad guys after they rob the
local bank and massacre half the small Arizona town. Your feeling is that the punks are getting off easy, and the bittersweet
ending finds Olie still wrestling with emotional problems his old-fashioned (and racist) dad doesn’t understand.
Not a bad little movie that probably plays better in its 2.35:1 aspect ratio, rather than the pan-and-scan version (titled
TRAINED TO KILL: USA) I watched. Dean Cundey was the cinematographer, and Chris Christian and Al Gambino & Glory
perform some nice soft-rock tunes. Also with Mike Lane, Heidi Vaughn, Ron Thompson and Sid Haig as a biker named Pill
Box.
NO PLACE TO HIDE (1981)—Directed by John
Llewellyn Moxey. Stars Kathleen Beller, Mariette Hartley, Arlen Dean Snyder, Keir Dullea. GASLIGHT goes two ways
in this twisty made-for-TV thriller. Art student Amy (Beller) is being stalked by a mysterious masked man dressed in
black who tells her “soon.” Nobody believes her, including her late father’s attorney (Snyder) and
her stepmother (Hartley), who suggests she visit her shrink friend. Dr. Cliff Letterman (Dullea) thinks it’s a
good idea for Amy to spend some alone time at the lake house where her father perished a year earlier in a boating accident.
Is Amy going crazy or does someone just want her to think she is? Jimmy Sangster, who penned several similar psychological
thrillers for Hammer during the 1960s, keeps the curves coming, particularly during the later reels when Amy appears to turn
the tables on her tormentors. Much of it is implausible, but Sangster and Moxey are skillful enough to slide the crazier
stuff right past you without you noticing. Beller is perfectly cast as a vulnerable waif, and fits perfectly into the
more suspenseful scenes that Moxey shoots like a slasher movie. Also with Gary Graham, Sandy McPeak and Milton Selzer.
Music by John Cacavas.
NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER (1986)--Directed by
Corey Yuen. Stars Kurt McKinney, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kim Tai Chong. Crude, low-budget actioner starring McKinney as a Seattle
karate student who is picked on by bullies. He worships legendary martial artist Bruce Lee, and talks to Lee's ghost (Chong)
for confidence and guidance. Everything leads up to McKinney's battle with a ruthless Soviet kickboxer (Van Damme). I believe
this is Van Damme's film debut; at any rate, he makes a good villain. Lee lived and is buried in Seattle, where this was filmed.
NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER II (1988)—Directed
by Corey Yuen. Stars Loren Avedon, Cynthia Rothrock, Max Thayer, Matthias Hues. It’s got nothing at all
to do with the original film, which is a good thing, because that film stinks and this one is pretty good, thanks to the energetic
direction of Yuen, who went on to work on much bigger films in the U.S. Young kickboxer Scott Wylde (Avedon), through
some odd plot machinations, teams up with a wiseassed, cigar-chomping American scrounger (Thayer in a role tailor-made for
William Devane) and a petite chopper-flying kung fu fighter (Rothrock) to sneak into Cambodia and rescue his rich Thai girlfriend
from an evil Russian (Hues). It’s barely explained why Hues wants the girl, and the characters seem to forget
about reasons and motivations anyway. Yuen delivers one crisp setpiece after another, staging them near rivers, waterfalls,
taverns, hotel rooms, anywhere two or more people can fight, they do. Avedon, as he also demonstrated in (the also good)
THE KING OF THE KICKBOXERS, is a bad actor who comes across as something of a jerk, but he’s a pretty good fighter or
at least good enough to fake it. His climactic battle with Hues is hysterical fun. Yuen went on to work on X-MEN,
SO CLOSE and THE TRANSPORTER.
NO SAFE HAVEN (1987)—Directed by Ronnie Rondell.
Stars Wings Hauser, Robert Tessier, Robert Ahola. Wings is a CIA agent masquerading as a Peace Corps volunteer in Honduras.
He springs into revenge mode when hoods working for gangster Ahola murder his two younger brothers and his mother. One
of his brothers was an NFL quarterback who refused to throw a game. The screenplay by Hauser and his actress (then-)wife
Nancy Locke contains humor, mainly in Tessier’s character, an eccentric weapons expert who helps Wings enact vengeance
upon his family’s killers. Rondell is a veteran stuntman making his only film as a director. The opening
chase suffers from obvious undercranking, but the other action scenes are fine. There’s nothing here you haven’t
seen in a hundred similar low-budget action movies, but the breezy relationship between Hauser and Tessier and the script’s
lighter moments make this one stand out a little bit. Also with Marina Rice, Tom Campitelli and Branscombe Richmond
hamming it up as the main henchman. Joel Goldsmith did the score.
NO WAY OUT (1987)--Directed by Roger Donaldson.
Stars Kevin Costner, Gene Hackman, Sean Young, Will Patton. An exciting and tricky thriller that works because of its convincing
leads and a tightly constructed screenplay. Costner is a Navy man assigned to work under the Secretary of Defense (Hackman).
After a fancy government bash, Costner has a one-night-stand with a beautiful, mysterious woman (Young), who, it turns out,
is Hackman's mistress. When Hackman kills Young, Costner finds himself being framed for the murder. The plot is swept along
by a variety of twists and turns, and you'll be swept along with it. The sizzling sex scene between Costner and Young in the
backseat of a limousine will become a film classic. Also with Howard Duff, George Dzundza and Iman. Features a twist ending
that many viewers will find infuriating, but I found it clever. Based on the novel and movie THE BIG CLOCK.
NO
WAY TO TREAT A LADY (1968)--Directed by Jack Smight. Stars Rod Steiger, George Segal, Lee Remick, Eileen Heckart.
Entertaining thriller is propelled by a hammy tour-de-force performance by Steiger as a master-of-disguise serial killer who
strangles seven women while using a variety of costumes and accents. He is pursued by New York detective Segal, who must also
contend with his cantankerous mother (Heckart) and new girlfriend (Remick). Some of the murders are more brutal than you may
expect. William Goldman (MISERY) wrote the novel on which John Gay's screenplay was based. Released by Paramount. From the
director of HARPER.
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING! (2003)—Directed by William
Tannen. Stars Alanna Ubach, Mitch Rouse, David Pasquesi. Sketch comics Rouse and Pasquesi (EXIT 57) play Virus
and Jimmy, a pair of constantly riffing, yet completely stupid, armed robbers who get caught and sent to prison. I don’t
know, but I get the impression that this was a troubled production. The story is told through the eyes of Sarah (Ubach),
a recent film school grad pitching a movie about her cousin Jimmy to various Hollywood producers. Ubach never appears
in the same shot with either Rouse or Pasquesi, and the pitch concept, which includes videotaped “interviews”
with people who know the robbers, rings neither funny nor true. Somebody involved with the production managed to cash
in some favors and secure star power for quick cameos: Fred Willard, Mary Kay Place, Grace Zabriskie, Robert Englund,
Ben Stiller, Janeane Garafalo, Mike Connors (as a deluded man named Krekor Ohanion who thinks he’s TV detective Joe
Mannix), Mike Myers, Kristen Johnson, Ryan Stiles, Bill Kirchenbauer, Michael Lerner, Virginia Madsen, Carmine Caridi, Tim
Meadows, Scott Thompson, Ed Lauter, Joel Murray, Richard Kind, Paul Dooley, Margaret Cho and Wayne Rogers.
NOON SUNDAY (1975)--Directed by Terry Bourke.
Stars Mark Lenard, John Russell, Linda Avery. Notable only for being the first motion picture to be filmed on the island
of Guam. It was made during Lenard’s time on HERE COME THE BRIDES, but sat on the shelf for several years.
It’s not very good--Lenard is no one’s idea of a romantic action lead (even if he perform a post-coital stabbing
of a topless woman), and LAWMAN star Russell is clearly over the hill. Both are mercenaries hired to commit a political
assassination, but they don’t meet each other until the very end. Pretty slow going.
NOOSE FOR A GUNMAN (1960)--Directed by Edward
L. Cahn. Stars Jim Davis, Barton MacLane, Ted de Corsia, Lyn Thomas, Walter Sande, Harry Carey Jr. A cowboy (Davis)
rides into sleepy Rock Valley, Wyoming, and is greeted at the town limits by a frazzled noose hanging from a tree and a sign
reading, "Reserved for Case Britton". Case is this cowboy's name, back five years after he was banned for killing the
two sons of town boss Avery (MacLane). Everyone in town wants him kicked back out of town or hanged, except the sheriff
(Sande) and friend Jim (Carey). Case has returned to warn the town about noted outlaw Jack Cantrell (de Corsia), who's
planning to rob $75,000 from the incoming stage, which also contains Case's fiancée Della (Thomas). As usual, Cahn keeps
the pace from flagging and relies on his experienced cast of cowpokes to provide what characterization this second feature
needs. TV vet Steve Fisher provided the story, which was turned into a screenplay by producer Robert Kent. Music
by Paul Sawtell and Bert Shefter.
THE NORLISS TAPES (1973)--Directed by Dan
Curtis. Stars Roy Thinnes, Angie Dickinson, Claude Akins, Don Porter. After his THE NIGHT STALKER and THE NIGHT
STRANGLER were ratings successes, but before Darren McGavin's Carl Kolchak was spun off into his own weekly series, Dan Curtis
produced and directed this similar pilot for NBC. The title tapes belong to David Norliss (Thinnes), an author researching
a non-fiction book about the supernatural. More specifically, one debunking alleged cases, like sideshow fortunetellers.
David has disappeared following an odd telephone call to his publisher, Sanford Evans (Porter), in which he stated that he
had to see Evans immediately before it was "too late". Investigating David's home, Evans discovers his tapes, cassettes
on which he was narrating his adventures with the occult, which, much to his surprise, were true.
Norliss is contacted by Ellen Cort (Dickinson), who feels she has
no one else to turn to after a surprise midnight encounter with her late husband, sculptor James Cort. That's right--"late"...as
in "dead". Seems she stumbled into James' studio and found him knocking around there, his face all green and blessed
with superhuman strength. Out of fear, Ellen blasted him with a shotgun, but he got away. The local sheriff (Akins)
doesn't believe her story, but Norliss thinks it's worth looking into--especially after his own rainy-night rendezvous with
James. Turns out Cort is a zombie working on a statue of a demon named Sargoth, the completion of which will form a
doorway to Hell and allow the real Sargoth to spread his wrath here on Earth.
Like THE NIGHT STALKER, NORLISS is a very effective and efficient
horror movie with more than its fair share of shocks. It's also similar in that its protagonist is a writer who narrates
his adventures into a tape recorder and is opposed by a pragmatic lawman played by Claude Akins. The main difference
between the two--and an important one--is the lack of humor in NORLISS. McGavin's dogged, rough-around-the-edges investigative
reporter is a sharp contrast to Thinnes' dour snooper, and while Thinnes is a good actor, a lighter touch would have added
some much needed humanism to the part. Running just 72 minutes (it aired originally in a 90-minute network slot), NORLISS
is lean and mean with little fat in the way. Curtis, by this time an old pro at creating network-approved shocks, directs
crisply, mostly in rain-drenched Northern California locations, which add murk to the sharply edited, often brutal scare scenes.
Like Kolchak, Norliss is clearly an antecedent to Fox Mulder, the
determined spook-chaser portrayed by David Duchovny on THE X-FILES; Thinnes, who later guest-starred on THE X-FILES, even
resembles Duchovny in some shots (oddly, McGavin also appeared in an X-FILES episode). In some ways, it's too bad that
NORLISS never made it to series, since its final shot shows Porter slapping another tape into the missing David's recorder,
ready to ponder another foray into the supernatural. On the other hand, if it had, perhaps we never would have gotten
KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER, which managed a full season's worth of amusement and scares, despite network interference that
saw Curtis removed from the program.
William F. Nolan, who also penned BURNT OFFERINGS and TRILOGY OF
TERROR for Curtis, wrote the teleplay based upon Fred Mustard Stewart's (ELLIS ISLAND) story. Also with Michele Carey,
Robert Mandan, Hurd Hatfield, Vonetta McGee, Jane Dulo, Stanley Adams, George DiCenzo and Nick Dimitri. Music by Robert
Cobert. This wasn't Thinnes' first gig chasing otherworldly foes; he starred in ABC's THE INVADERS for two seasons in
the '60s.
THE NORSEMAN (1978)--Directed by Charles
B. Pierce. Stars Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Jack Elam, Denny Miller, Mel Ferrer. TV's Six Million Dollar Man as a tenth-century
Viking! Majors and his band of warriors (including Wilde and Elam) travel to America to rescue king Ferrer from some nasty
Indians. Laughable low-budget adventure boasts awful acting and dialogue, silly-looking costumes and amateurish action scenes.
In other words, a truly amazing viewing experience!
NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)--Directed by Alfred
Hitchcock. Stars Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint, James Mason, Martin Landau, Leo G. Carroll. The quintessential Hitchcock thriller.
Grant is an ordinary advertising executive, who is mistaken for a spy, kidnapped, and framed for a murder. Grant is totally
believable as Hitchcock's typical "man on the run", and Mason and Landau are vile as the bad guys. Features two classic action
scenes: Grant being chased by a cropduster in a Midwestern cornfield and the climax atop Mount Rushmore. Tight script by Ernest
Lehman. Score by Bernard Herrmann. 136 minutes long, but Hitch never lets the pace flag. My favorite Hitchcock movie. Hitch's
next was PSYCHO.
NORTH DALLAS FORTY (1979)--Directed by Ted Kotcheff. Stars Nick Nolte, Mac Davis,
Dayle Haddon, G.D. Spradlin, Steve Forrest, Bo Svenson, Dabney Coleman. Nolte gives one of his best performances as Phil Elliott,
an over-30 wide receiver with bad knees who wants to play one more season, even though he knows he's too smart for the game
and tired of being used by his coaches and other members of the pro football "establishment". Excellent satire says a lot
about what players will subject themselves to just to play a "game". Davis is good is his film debut as a swinging quarterback.
Based upon the novel by Peter Gent, a former Dallas Cowboy.
NORTH SHORE (1987)--Directed by William
Phelps. Stars Matt Adler, Nia Peeples, Gregory Harrison, Gerry Lopez. An Arizona student (Adler) drops out of college and
moves to Hawaii to become a surfer. He trains with grizzled surfing legend/mentor Harrison, and falls for cute native Peeples.
An unpretentious drama with some excellent surfing footage. Peeples later got her own TV show, THE PARTY MACHINE WITH NIA
PEEPLES and became a regular on WALKER, TEXAS RANGER.
NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (2001)--Directed by
Joel Gallen. Stars Chyler Leigh, Chris Evans, Jaime Pressley, Deon Richmond, Eric Christian Olsen. The director of film parodies
for MTV's annual movie awards show directs a feature-length parody of teen movies. Like most AIRPLANE!-style comedies, TEEN
MOVIE is a hit-or-miss affair, tossing out so many jokes and sight gags that, if one fails, you can count on three or four
more right on its heels to help you forget it. Although I laughed occasionally, I couldn't help wondering for whom this movie
was made. A movie that pokes fun at the banality and inane cliches of popular teen movies would seem to infuriate the crowd
that likes those movies in the first place; the crowd for whom TEEN MOVIE was ostensibly made isn't going to like being told
how stupid they are. Anyone who hasn't seen, say, AMERICAN PIE or VARSITY BLUES is probably not going to see TEEN MOVIE either,
and Gallen's decision to include '80s "classics" like RISKY BUSINESS and PRETTY IN PINK will probably leave his teenaged target
audience scratching their heads.
The basic plot echoes that of SHE'S ALL THAT: school stud Jake The Popular Jock (Evans),
heartbroken after his sex bomb girlfriend Priscilla The Bitchy Cheerleader (Pressley) breaks up with him, bets his pal Austin
The Cocky Blonde Guy (Olsen) that he can, through the power of his own BMOC-ness, take even the nerdiest girl and transform
her into this year's prom queen. The girl chosen is Janey The Pretty Ugly Girl (Leigh), who, in the film's skewering of one
of my personal pet peeves (like Sandra Bullock in LOVE POTION #9, for example), needs only to remove her glasses and ponytail
to be revealed as the hot girl she so obviously is to everyone watching the movie. Most of the other characters--such as The
Desperate Virgin, The Stupid Fat Guy and The Obsessed Best Friend--exist only to take part in takeoffs of films both obvious
(CAN'T HARDLY WAIT, NEVER BEEN KISSED) and not-so-obvious (ALMOST FAMOUS? GREASE??) and, as is increasingly the trend, in
the most tasteless and scatological ways possible.
Tasteless and scatological are okay, I guess, but better when they're
also smart, which TEEN MOVIE is not. Gallen and his five credited writers have seen all the movies and know which targets
to aim at, but can't resist the urge to talk down to their audience; for example, flashing a clip from PRETTY IN PINK just
so we'll know what movie's being mocked now or underscoring a cameo by Mr. T (as The Wise Janitor) with the theme from THE
A-TEAM, as if we need to be reminded where we know Mr. T from. Sometimes they just forget the joke; seeing Paul Gleason reprise
his hardassed principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB is interesting until he exits the scene and you realize that...there was no
joke! Gallen obviously thought just having Gleason recite the same dialogue from the John Hughes hit with no new spin or punchline
is, in and of itself, funny. It isn't. Gallen also betrays his experience making short films by being unable to sustain his
characters throughout the length of a feature film. A perky cheerleader with Tourette's Syndrome is funny the first time,
but the third or fourth time she interrupts her homespun routine with a string of curse words, the humor is gone, and Gallen
has no idea how to revitalize it, as if repeating the same joke will eventually make it funny again.
I did like parts
of TEEN MOVIE. Richmond (SCREAM 3) as The Token Black Guy has some fun piercing John Hughes' suburban white-bread balloon,
and I liked how The Sexy Foreign Exchange Student's subtitles were conveniently spaced to avoid covering up her breasts (TEEN
MOVIE has a surprising amount of nudity, refreshingly remembering, unlike the movies it spoofs, that teenagers like to see
attractive naked teens on-screen). Leigh and Evans are likable romantic leads--maybe even more charming than the actors they're
basing their portrayals on--and the energetic supporting cast are the kinds of good sports that-ll take a pratfall or tongue-kiss
an elderly woman with "it's-for-the-good-of-the-show" abandon. While it delivers scattershot laughs, I can't really recommend
that anyone expend any effort to see NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (which is, really, just another teen movie, title be damned).
Even DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?, which strangely avoids TEEN's parodical arrows, was cleverer and more original in its laugh-getting.
Also with the extremely alluring Mia Kirshner (EXOTICA) as The Cruelest Girl, Ron Lester, Joanna Garcia, Samm Levine
(FREAKS & GEEKS), Cerina Vincent (well, her breasts really) as exchange student Areola, Ed Lauter (THE LONGEST YARD),
Lyman Ward (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF), George Wyner, Beverly Polcyn, James Read, Lacey Chabert (parodying PARTY OF FIVE costar
Jennifer Love Hewitt as The Perfect Girl), Randy Quaid as Leigh's shell-shocked alcoholic Vietnam vet dad who has a "threesome"
with a pair of pies, and a cameo by Molly Ringwald.
NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)--Directed by Jim
Wynorski. Stars Traci Lords, Arthur Roberts, Roger Rose. Those familiar with Wynorski's habit of taking stock
footage from more expensive Hollywood blockbusters to pad his own cheapies may be surprised at the extent he does here.
In this remake of Roger Corman's 1957 SF B-movie, Wynorski steals entire scenes from Corman productions like HUMANOIDS FROM
THE DEEP and HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, which results in sloppy continuity like an old '50s sedan turning miraculously into a '70s
pickup truck just so the director can swipe a stunt from another movie.
Wynorski and R.J. Robertson's screenplay follows that of the
original film, penned by Charles B. Griffith and Mark Hanna, extremely closely. An invading alien called Mr. Johnson
(Roberts) is here to test the blood of Earthlings and send it home to his planet, Davanna, to make sure his race can drink
it. In his guise of an eccentric millionaire, he skulks around the city at night, draining people of their blood and
returning home in time for his comely private nurse, Nadine (Lords), to give him his nightly transfusion.
An amusing mixture of science fiction, horror and drive-in
fun, NOT OF THIS EARTH is one of Wynorski's better efforts, thanks in part to the surprisingly effective performance by 18-year-old
Lords, who was starring in her first mainstream film after a notorious career in pornography. Not only does she look
smashing in and out of a variety of bikinis, lingerie and evening wear, but she comes across as an appealing heroine.
Muggers like Lenny Juliano, Ace Mask and Michael Delano (playing the memorable vacuum cleaner salesman essayed by Dick Miller
in the Corman version) provide plenty of energy, while Becky LeBeau, Monique Gabrielle, Rebecca Perle, Ava Cadell, Roxanne
Kernohan, Cynthia Thompson and Kelli Maroney provide the pulchritude. Chuck Cirino's main title plays over clips from
other Corman monster movies like GALAXY OF TERROR and FORBIDDEN WORLD, for reasons I can't fathom.
NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF OZPLOITATION!
(2008)—Directed by Mark Hartley. Fans of exploitation movies may salivate while watching the amazing film clips
compiled by writer/director Hartley for his documentary about the gonzo trash films created in Australia during the 1970s
and ‘80s. NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD is an important document chronicling a period of filmmaking Down Under that has been greatly
neglected by historians. Hitting one genre after another—from ribald sex comedies through gory thrillers to reckless
car-crash flicks like MAD MAX—NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD it establishes these movies as firmly breaking every cultural taboo
of the period, packed as they were with spurting blood and writing nude bodies. Hartley has done his research and appears
to have recruited nearly every important genre filmmaker of the era to speak his or her piece; directors Brian Trenchard-Smith
(THE MAN FROM HONG KONG), Sandy Harbutt (STONE), and Richard Franklin (ROADGAMES); writer Barry Humphries (THE ADVENTURES
OF BARRY MCKENZIE); actors Steve Railsback (TURKEY SHOOT), George Lazenby (THE MAN FROM HONG KONG), and Gregory Harrison (RAZORBACK);
and producer Antony Ginnane (SNAPSHOT) are just a handful who spoke to Hartley. Most look back fondly on their movies, though
everyone involved with Trenchard-Smith’s gnarly TURKEY SHOOT are quite candid in their disdain for it.
NOTHING BUT THE NIGHT (1972)--Directed by
Peter Sasdy. Stars Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Diana Dors. Unusual mystery/horror/sci-fi hybrid with a good performance
by Cushing is let down by a script that appears rushed. When three wealthy and influential trustees of the Van Traylen orphanage
are killed in separate, suspicious accidents, retired Scotland Yard detective Lee begins investigating. His path crosses with
that of pathologist Cushing, whose friend and fellow doctor also meets a strange death. The link seems to be a young orphan
named Mary, one of the few survivors of a bus crash involving people from the orphanage, and her convicted murderess mother
Anna (Dors).
The only film produced by Christopher Lee's own company, Charlemagne Productions (which he formed with
former Hammer Films producer Anthony Nelson-Keys), this moody and intriguing picture suffered from poor distribution and misleading
title changes. The screenplay by Brian Hayles (based on a novel by John Blackburn) contains a few holes too many, and Lee's
character isn't fleshed out the way it is in Blackburn's book, but the cast is nice, the Scottish locations are well-used,
and you'll probably be surprised by the twist ending. Released in '74 in the U.S.A. as THE RESURRECTION SYNDICATE; my videocassette
copy is titled THE DEVIL'S UNDEAD. Also with Georgia Brown, Keith Barron, Gwyneth Strong and Pulitzer Prize-winning author
Michael Gambon. Music by Malcolm Williamson.
NOTHING IN COMMON (1986)--Directed by Garry Marshall.
Stars Tom Hanks, Jackie Gleason, Eva Marie Saint, Bess Armstrong, Hector Elizondo, Sela Ward, Barry Corbin. "The Great One"
gives a tender, moving performance in what was to be his final screen role. Hanks is a fast-talking, irresponsible advertising
exec who is pulled back to reality when his parents (Gleason, Saint) divorce and become dependent upon him. Hanks pulls off
a subtly difficult role, and the rest of the cast is equal to the task. Marshall's juggling of comedy and drama is well done.
NOWHERE IN AFRICA (2003)--Directed by Caroline
Link. Stars Juliane Kohler, Merab Ninidze, Lea Kurka, Sidede Onyulo, Matthias Habich, Karoline Eckertz. NOWHERE
IN AFRICA (German title: NIRGENDWO IN AFRIKA) won this year's Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Feature. It's
a leisurely paced and gorgeously photographed drama about an affluent family of German Jews who flee the Nazi regime in 1938
for a new life on a dirty, dusty farm in Kenya.
The narrator is young Regina Redlich (Lea Kurka), five years old
when her family emigrates from Frankfurt. Her father Walter (Merab Ninidze) had been a lawyer before the Nazis took
control, and her mother Jettel (Juliane Kohler) enjoyed the spotlight that being married to a lawyer attracts, hosting a series
of parties and social gatherings. NOWHERE opens with Walter already in Africa, having earned enough money to finally
bring Jettel and Regina over to join him. Regina adjusts to her new life right away, learning the local language and
customs and befriending the family cook Owour (the wonderfully open Sidede Onyulo), a loyal friend to Walter and almost a
second father to Regina.
For Jettel, Africa is a bitter pill to swallow. Taking their
situation somewhat less than seriously, Jettel spent the last of the family's savings on an evening gown before leaving Germany
and squandered precious space in the only moving crate on expensive china rather than the refrigerator Walter had asked her
to bring. She also discovers she enjoyed being married to an influential lawyer more than a dirt farmer, and begins
withholding marital favors.
At 141 minutes, NOWHERE IN AFRICA has plenty of time to develop
its story and characters. Too much time, perhaps, as writer/director Caroline Link's (BEYOND SILENCE) script often meanders
in search of a focal point. Over the course of nine years, we see the Redlichs grow--and grow apart--as a family.
Walter and Jettel are separated for long periods, first when the Jewish family is placed in separate British internment camps
in Nairobi (ironically, Jettel and Regina are housed in an opulent hotel seized by the British government, where Jettel participates
in a confusing affair with a German-speaking soldier), and later when Walter is drafted into the British army to fight the
monsters who have invaded his homeland. During these periods, Link is more interested in the lives of the female Redlichs,
a natural decision, I suppose, considering that Regina is a surrogate figure for Stefanie Zweig, who wrote the autobiographical
novel upon which the film is based.
As superb as the performances and Link's particular skill of keeping
us interested in her characters are, NOWHERE IN AFRICA overstays its welcome by its third hour. A potentially interesting
love story between a now-teenaged Regina (and now portrayed by an older actress, Karoline Eckertz) and a native boy she sometimes
platonically sleeps with is frustratingly ignored in favor of too many will-they-won't-they-split-up scenes between Walter
and Jettel, who has grown to love her new African home and, unlike her husband, has no desire to return to Germany, even after
the war has concluded. A last-minute locust attack is thrown in to provide some last-ditch dramatic tension, but chances
are the post-war years will have you checking your watch.
Despite its wandering narrative, NOWHERE IN AFRICA is a beautiful
and often educational view of a world rarely seen outside of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC specials, topped off by a melodious soundscape
that not only includes Niki Reiser's authentic African score, but also the variety of accents and languages heard in the film,
providing your ears with an exotic feast matched by the lush photography. Filmed on location in Kenya and Germany.
NOWHERE TO RUN (1992)--Directed by Robert
Harmon. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rosanna Arquette, Ted Levine. Pretty good Van Damme vehicle with an impressive pedigree
(the story was concocted by Richard Marquand [RETURN OF THE JEDI] and Joe Eszterhas [BASIC INSTINCT]) stars the Muscles from
Brussels as a Canadian escaped convict who helps a lonely widow (Arquette) and her two small children save their farm from
evil land barons. Some good chases and fight scenes, and Arquette has some impressive (and surprising) topless scenes. Also
with Joss Ackland, Kieran Culkin and Tiffany Taubman. From the director of THE HITCHER.
THE NUDE BOMB
(1980)--Directed by Clive Donner. Stars Don Adams, Andrea Howard, Vittorio Gassman, Dana Elcar. THE NUDE BOMB
was ahead of its time in one way. In 1979, when it was filmed, it was extremely unusual for Hollywood to remake old
television shows as motion pictures, and even more rare for the film to reunite the original cast and/or creators. When
THE NUDE BOMB, which brings Don Adams as GET SMART’s bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart to the big screen, was being
filmed, STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE was just preparing for its national release—and that film was considered a sure
hit, because of STAR TREK’s rabid fan base. While GET SMART had been a successful sitcom—four seasons on
NBC and one on CBS—and had been in syndicated reruns for the ten years since its 1970 cancellation, it still seems to
have been an unusual choice for a big-screen revamp.
Where Universal went right with THE NUDE BOMB was to bring
back Adams, of course, as well as Leonard B. Stern and Arne Sultan, who were valuable writers and producers of the GET SMART
series and penned the screenplay along with Bill Dana, a talented actor, comedian and writer who “discovered”
Adams when the young standup comic portrayed a clumsy detective on the 1963 sitcom THE BILL DANA SHOW. Where the studio
screwed up is not bringing back everybody else involved with the series. Actor Edward Platt, who portrayed the beleaguered
Chief of CONTROL, was dead, but the absence of Barbara Feldon, the fine comedienne who played “straight woman”
to Adams, is a glaring goof-up. I’m perplexed why Feldon didn’t co-star in THE NUDE BOMB—she claims
she was never offered the part of Max’s sexy sidekick (and eventual wife) Agent 99—and the three actresses hired
to replace her—Andrea Howard (as Agent 22), Sylvia Kristel (as Agent 34) and Pamela Hensley (as Agent 35)—beautiful
as they may be, don’t add up to 99.
Oddly, not even CONTROL is featured in THE NUDE BOMB.
Now, Smart (Agent 86, of course) works for an organization called PITS, and it’s unclear whether the Chief (now played
by Dana Elcar) is supposed to be the same character who ran CONTROL in the 1960s. THE NUDE BOMB is not a successful
film, but it almost works somehow. Adams steps back into character smoothly enough, but the script lacks the wit and
satire of the TV show. Whereas GET SMART creators Buck Henry and Mel Brooks were spoofing the incompetence of the CIA
and government, THE NUDE BOMB is content to mock James Bond movies, which were already gross parodies of themselves at this
point (the execrable MOONRAKER, which THE NUDE BOMB’s opening copies, came out the year before). The intent is
clear from the opening titles, which play behind a terrible Bondian theme song, penned by Don Black and Lalo Schifrin and
performed by Merry Clayton, that has nothing to do with GET SMART and everything to do with mocking 007. Would you believe
the memorable Irving Szathmary theme from the TV series isn’t reprised once in Schifrin’s score?
Smart is the only agent who can save the world after mad fashion
designer St. Sauvage (Vittorio Gassman) creates missiles that destroy all fabrics and threatens to force the world to face
its own nekkiditity if the United Nations doesn’t pay up. Someone inside PITS is a double agent feeding inside
info to St. Sauvage’s one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged assassin, Nino Salvatore Sebastiani (also Gassman), who keeps
failing in his efforts to bump off Smart. Without 99 by his side, the Chief gives Max a squad of assistants, including
the three sexpots mentioned earlier, brother/sister computer experts (Gary Imhoff, Sarah Rush) and Q stand-in Carruthers (Norman
Lloyd).
More money for stunts, special effects and locations might
have helped director Clive Donner open GET SMART up for the big screen. A big chase scene through the Universal Studios
theme park comes back to bite Donner later, when another chase that’s supposed to be set someplace else is also obviously
filmed on the Universal lot. The plot takes 86 to Austria, Washington, D.C. and New York City, though the film clearly
never leaves Southern California. Likewise, the big action setpiece that closes the movie has the germ of a good idea—clones
of Sauvage and Smart fighting each other in an exploding laboratory—but obvious doubles and lethargic staging fail to
give the climax the pizzazz it needs.
THE NUDE BOMB was shown on television (and possibly home video)
as THE RETURN OF MAXWELL SMART. It’s not very good, but GET SMART, AGAIN!, a made-for-television reunion made
for ABC in 1989, is. Unlike THE NUDE BOMB, the TV-movie was smart enough to bring back Feldon as 99, as well as fellow
GET SMART actors Bernie Kopell (as KAOS baddie Siegfried), Dick Gautier (as robot Hymie), King Moody (Shtarker) and Dave Ketchum
(Joey Forman played the part of Agent 13 in THE NUDE BOMB). Besides Adams, Robert Karvelas as Larrabee is the only GET
SMART actor to appear in both film sequels.
Adams and Feldon returned to their most famous television
roles in—what else—GET SMART, which was the title of a shortlived Fox sitcom in 1995 that cast Andy Dick (NEWSRADIO)
as the Smarts’ bumbling secret agent son Zach and teamed him with sexy but smart agent 66 (Elaine Hendrix). Sound
familiar? Adams, who served in the Marines and fought at Guadalcanal during World War II, died in 2005, but his legacy
lives on, not just in syndication and on DVD (the original GET SMART series, the Fox series, THE NUDE BOMB and GET SMART,
AGAIN! are all available), but also in the 2008 “reimagining,” which stars THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN’s Steve
Carell as Smart, Anne Hathaway (THE PRINCESS DIARIES) as 99, Alan Arkin (LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE) as the Chief and Terence Stamp
(THE LIMEY) as the Chief.
NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET (1987)--Directed by Jack Smight. Stars Robert Carradine, Billy Dee
Williams, Valerie Bertinelli, Peter Graves, Barry Sattels. Carradine and Williams are no Gibson and Glover, that’s
for sure. Cannon produced this shameless ripoff of LETHAL WEAPON with former Nerd Carradine hamming it up all psycho as an
unhinged detective and suave Billy Dee as his more grounded black partner. Of course, as a Cannon feature, NUMBER ONE WITH
A BULLET is much cheaper and even dumber. It even goes so far as to cast Graves as a carbon copy of the white-haired harried
cop boss in LETHAL WEAPON. Producers Menahem Golem and Yoram Globus, in typical huckster style, managed to rush this picture
into production and get it into theaters one week before LETHAL WEAPON premiered.
Reckless “Berserk” Burzak (Carradine), who is stalking ex-wife Bertinelli, is obsessed with a wealthy man
named DeCosta (Sattels), whom he suspects is a druglord. When he isn’t stalking ex-wife Bertinelli or playing jokes
on his partner Frank Hazeltine (Williams), Burzak is usually spying on DeCosta in search of evidence. After fouling up an
assignment to bodyguard a witness, Burzak and Hazeltine are taken off the streets, which never stops maverick movie cops from
getting into barroom brawls and intimidating suspects anyway.
Besides Billy Dee’s silky amiability—he’s obviously too good for this—there’s nothing at
all extraordinary about NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET. Carradine’s character is so bull-headed and unlikable that it’s
difficult to root for him, and Smight’s direction is perfunctory at best. The movie mixes action scenes and humor well
enough (Carradine gets tossed into a ring with female mud wrestlers), but no better than dozens of TV cop shows. Also
with Doris Roberts (as—duh—a mom), Ray Girardin, Bobby DiCicco, Mikelti Williamson, Jon Gries, Alex Rebar, Michael
Goodwin and Larry Poindexter. Andrew Kurtzman, Rob Riley, and Jim Belushi, who all worked together on SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE, were brought in to punch up Gail Morgan Hickman’s story, likely adding the humor. I’m surprised Belushi
isn’t in it. He must have been too busy on THE PRINCIPAL. Music by Alf Clausen. From the director of DAMNATION
ALLEY. Smight and Graves are close friends in real life.
NUTS (1987)--Directed by Martin Ritt. Stars Barbra Streisand, Richard Dreyfuss, Maureen Stapleton,
Karl Malden. An engrossing but talky courtroom drama featuring an outstanding cast. Barbra plays a high-priced call girl who
is indicted for manslaughter after killing one of her johns (Leslie Nielsen in a cameo). She refuses to plead guilty, against
the advice of her public defender (Dreyfuss), and goes before a judge in a hearing to determine whether she is emotionally
fit for trial. Adapted from Tom Topor's Broadway play. Dreyfuss wisely keeps to the background for the most part, and allows
Streisand to run away with the picture. Also with Robert Webber and Eli Wallach.
THE NUTTY PROFESSOR
(1963)--Directed by Jerry Lewis. Stars Jerry Lewis, Stella Stevens, Del Moore, Kathleen Freeman, Howard Morris. Jerry's best
film stars himself as a wimpy chemistry professor who falls in love with a beautiful student (Stevens). To get her to notice
him, he whips up a potion to transform himself into Buddy Love, a suave, swinging chick magnet. Lewis's comic remake of DR.
JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE features funny cartoon-style sight gags, and, believe it or not, a sympathetic performance by Lewis himself.
Many critics believe the Buddy Love character was a satirical swipe at Dean Martin. According to Shawn Levy's definitive bio
of Lewis, that isn't true. Buddy also bears a striking resemblance to the "telethon Jerry". Lewis served as executive producer
of the 1996 smash hit remake starring Eddie Murphy.
THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (1996)--Directed by Tom Shadyac.
Stars Eddie Murphy, Jada Pinkett, James Coburn, Larry Miller. Viewed as Murphy's comeback vehicle (after such stinkers as
VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN and THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN), this remake of the Jerry Lewis classic (and, yes, it is possible to
refer to NUTTY as a Lewis classic and still keep a straight face) shows us a side of Eddie we haven't seen much of--the tender
Eddie. Murphy is Sherman Klump, a 400-pound wallflower (buried under tons of Rick Baker makeup) working as a science professor
at a small California college. Sherman is sweet but square, well-meaning but clumsy, friendly but ineffectual with women.
Most of his problems stem from his obesity and lack of confidence. Murphy is wonderful in these scenes; using mostly his eyes
and voice, he creates an enormously appealing character. When Sherman falls for Carla Purdy (Pinkett), a pretty new teacher
on campus, he uses his new DNA restructuring formula to transform himself into the thin, brash and cocky Buddy Love.
Love
is played by Eddie Murphy as we recognize him; this could be seen as Murphy's nod to the audience that he has come to grips
with the egomania that seems to have permeated his films of recent years--his way of shedding his old image. The performance
is one of Murphy's best; he plays five other roles as well, including Klump's parents, brother and grandmother. In fact, scenes
of Sherman sitting down to dinner with his family are technical marvels, but unfortunately rely too much on bathroom humor.
While maybe not as good as the original, this PROFESSOR is worth seeing. The rest of the actors are OK, although their roles
are thinly written. There are some big laughs in the screenplay by four writers, including director Shadyac and Steve Oedekirk
(the scene in which Love enacts revenge upon an insulting standup comic played by Dave Chappelle is a Murphy classic). I just
wish so many of them didn't rely on jokes tailored for the ACE VENTURA crowd (Shadyac also directed that Jim Carrey hit).
THE NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS (2000)--Directed by Peter Segal. Stars Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson,
Larry Miller. As a comedy, Universal's sequel THE NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS is average at best, a toneless mixture of
science-fiction mad-scientist clichs, domestic squabbles and flatulence gags. It is, however, a marvelous showcase for its
star Eddie Murphy, who portrays no fewer than seven characters in the film and, except for a Richard Simmons takeoff which
is used only as a throwaway joke, manages to invest them all with specific and detailed personalities. Murphy's is not just
the work of a major movie star, but also a very talented character actor, and it wasn't long into NUTTY II when I began ignoring
the humdrum plot and just concentrated on his performance(s?) and the amazing special effects used to bring all of his characters
to life.
As in the original NUTTY, Sherman is still grossly overweight and conducting DNA experiments at tiny Wellman
College. There's no explanation as to what happened to the Jada Pinkett character from that movie; gee, they seemed like such
a cute couple too. Well, like most 400-pound bachelors, Sherman has no problems attracting hot women, since he has now fallen
for pretty genetics scientist Denise Gains (Janet Jackson), who always smiles when she's around Sherman. He is a very sweet
man--he may be the most endearing character Murphy has ever played--and it's easy to see why Denise should like him. Of course,
the concept of wooden Jackson portraying a genius may be the funniest thing in the movie. I kept flashing back to Denise Richards
stumbling over words like "nuclear" in the recent James Bond movie THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. Anyway, there's one major obstacle
standing between Sherman and Denise and marriage: Buddy Love, Sherman's obnoxious alter ego who emerged as the result of a
failed serum in the first NUTTY. Traces of Buddy, played by Murphy as a brave and stinging parody of his own public persona,
are still floating around in Sherman's system and trying to take over his body, forcing him to interject crude sexual references
while serenading Denise with a mariachi band. Suffice to say, Buddy does eventually get loose, although he has a tendency
to chase cats (uh, just go with it, OK?), and the rest of the plot concerns Buddy's attempts to sell Sherman's fountain of
youth formula to a major drug company, Sherman's regressing intelligence (sort of like CHARLY) due to an experiment designed
to purge Buddy from his system once and for all, and the rape of Sherman's boss Dean Richmond (Larry Miller) by a giant hamster.
Yeah, it's that kind of movie.
Since the famous scene involving the Klump family squawking around the dinner table
in the first NUTTY was such a highlight, director Peter Segal (TOMMY BOY) and the five credited writers (including AMERICAN
PIE-makers Paul and Chris Weitz) have decided to devote much of NUTTY II's running time to subplots involving Sherman's dysfunctional
family, nearly all of whom are portrayed by Murphy in various makeups created by special effects whiz Rick Baker, who won
an Oscar for his work on the previous NUTTY. It's astonishing the way Murphy, Baker and the visual effects department have
created a seamless palette in which Sherman and his peevish Papa, ebullient Mama, oversexed Granny and militant brother Ernie
interact through conversation, touch, even handing objects to each other in such a way that one forgets that these characters
are all portrayed by the same actor. It's a shame all this talent was wasted on a screenplay that substitutes junior-high-level
crudities for wit and believes octogenarians having wild sex is funny. It can be funny, but just the idea alone certainly
isn't. Hey, I'm no prude, but I think I've already seen every possible fart joke there is. This movie has at least a dozen.
In fact, it's time Eddie got back to the R-rated cutting-edge material that made him famous. 48 HOURS, BEVERLY HILLS
COP and EDDIE MURPHY RAW, in which he electrified audiences who hadn't seen such an audacious black comedian since Richard
Pryor's glory days, are the films for which Murphy will always be remembered, and, after an early-'90s slump, it's now obvious
that he's too good for the family fare such as HOLY MAN and DR. DOLITTLE he's been carrying on his shoulders in recent years.
Let's hope we're seeing the creative resurgence of one of our most exciting movie actors.
Also with John Ales, Richard
Gant, Anna Marie Horsford, Melinda McGraw (Scully's late sister on THE X-FILES), Jamal Nixon, Earl Boen, Chris Elliott, Charles
Napier, Nikki Cox and Kathleen Freeman, who also appeared in Jerry Lewis's 1963 NUTTY PROFESSOR. Music by David Newman. Lewis
is listed as an executive producer, but I doubt he had much--if anything--to do with it.
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