Strip Search-Swordfish

STRYKER (1983)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago. Stars Steve Sandor, Mike Lane, Andrea Savio. Another post-apoc junker directed in the Philippines by Santiago, STRYKER stars American hunk Sandor (BONNIE'S KIDS) as Stryker, a desert wanderer who attempts to protect a woman (Savio) who knows the location of a hidden water source. If you've seen WHEELS OF FIRE or any number of similar Santiago vehicles, you know not to expect much in the logic or excitement departments. Sandor doesn't say too much, but the Jawa-lookin' midgets are kinda weird. Lots of explosions and chases.

STUCK ON YOU! (1984)--Directed by Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman. Stars Professor Irwin Corey, Virginia Penta, Mark Mikulski. Ten (!) screenwriters, including director Kaufman, had a hand in writing the script, which is a typical (for the period) Troma Team sex comedy with slapstick, puns, some gore and plenty of nudity. Feuding couple Carol (Penta) and Bill (Mikulski) face off against each other in court over a palimony suit. Little do they know that their spastic judge, Gabriel (the inimitable Corey), is actually an angel sent from heaven to earn his wings by getting the two back together. Using flashbacks, Gabriel tries to encourage the couple by telling stories of other great romances like Adam & Eve. If the antics of Professor Irwin Corey normally leave you in stitches, this comedy is for you. Troma made three other rowdy sex comedies around this time, before changing its image with the success of THE TOXIC AVENGER. Kaufman's directorial credit was "Samuel Weil", since he was a member of the Director's Guild at the time.

STUDENT BODIES (1981)--Directed by Michael Ritchie. Stars Kristen Riter, Matthew Goldsby, Richard Brando, The Stick, Joe Flood, Joe Talarowski. This AIRPLANE!-influenced parody of slasher flicks is pretty lame, although with this many jokes tossed against the wall, a few are bound to stick. ("Did you hang up?" "No, I just said 'click'.")

A heavy-breathing psycho known as the Breather is wasting horny teens with such unusual objects as a paper clip, garbage bags and a horse-head bookend. The school virgin, Toby (Riter), is accused of the murders, and sneaks into the prom disguised as a streetwalker in an effort to catch the real killer. Of course, there are a number of red herrings, including Toby's clean-cut male friend Hardy (Goldsby), gruff shop teacher Dumpkin (Flood), addle-brained principal Peters (Talarowski) and retarded, double-jointed janitor Malvert, played by a very tall, skinny and goofy-looking actor billed only as The Stick. As politically incorrect as the jokes at Malvert's expense are, they are the funniest in the movie. I don't know who The Stick is or where he is today, but STUDENT BODIES only comes to life when he's onscreen. None of the cast did much before or after, although the cute and likable Riter deserved to.

STUDENT BODIES reportedly was a troubled production--it was produced and directed by the acclaimed Michael Ritchie (THE CANDIDATE, FLETCH) during a Hollywood strike, so he removed his name from the credits (the ubiquitous Alan Smithee lands producer credit). Mickey Rose, who collaborated with Woody Allen on BANANAS and TAKE THE MONEY ARE RUN, was the film's writer and receives his only directorial credit in Ritchie's place. Executive producers Jerry Belson and Harvey Miller have some distinguished TV credits (THE ODD COUPLE, TAXI, LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE), but you wouldn't know it from seeing this.

THE STUDENT TEACHERS (1973)--Directed by Jonathan Kaplan. Stars Susan Damante, Brooke Mills, Brenda Sutton, John Kramer, Johnny Ray McGhee. Kaplan followed up NIGHT CALL NURSES with an almost identical drive-in flick for producer Julie Corman, but instead of three nurses finding love and fighting crime in the big city, writer Danny Opatoshu (HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD) penned a short (73 minutes) screenplay about three TA's showing off some T&A. Rachel (Damante) struggles with her relationship with a swinging art teacher (Kramer), Jody (Sutton) hooks up with fellow teachers to swindle an Italian drug dealer, and Tracy (Mills) tries a liberal approach to teaching sex education, much to the consternation of the high school's old-school administration. Throw in a rapist wearing a clown mask, and you wouldn't think these teachers had much time to, you know, teach. The dependable Dick Miller has a nice role as a foul-mouthed sexist gym teacher, and keep an eye out for Chuck Norris in an early role as, what else, a karate instructor. THE STUDENT TEACHERS is one of the better entries in New World Pictures' unofficial "3 Girls" series, and was followed by SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS, also with Miller as a (different) gym teacher, in 1975. Also with Charles Dierkop, James Milhollin, Bob Harris, Elyssa Davalos and Marilyn Joi. All three leads appear topless, as does red-haired Tara Strohmeier (COVER GIRL MODELS), billed as Rose Cypress. Kaplan moved on from sexploitation to blaxploitation, helming THE SLAMS and TRUCK TURNER next.

THE STUFF (1985)--Directed by Larry Cohen. Stars Michael Moriarty, Andrea Marcovicci, Danny Aiello, Garrett Morris, Paul Sorvino, Patrick O'Neal. This horror satire is one of Cohen's best films. Ex-FBI agent Moriarty discovers that the latest fast-food sweeping America is actually a living organism that is addictive and ultimately fatal. Interesting anti-drug message by Cohen features offbeat performances by Moriarty and Sorvino and clever spoofs of current trends and fads. Also with Abe Vigoda, Tammy Grimes and Brooke Adams. From the director of GOD TOLD ME TO.

THE STUNT MAN (1980)--Directed by Richard Rush. Stars Steve Railsback, Peter O'Toole, Barbara Hershey, Alex Rocco, Chuck Bail. Richard Rush's masterpiece of misdirection, wit and glorious derring-do is one of American cinema's most original works, but remains a "mere" cult film, despite its commercial aspirations. O'Toole was nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award for his performance, which remains one of his greatest in a filmography which also includes classics like LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, BECKET and LORD JIM. That THE STUNT MAN stacks up cozily right next to those acknowledged film classics says much for Rush's film.

Vietnam vet Cameron (Railsback), on the run from police for circumstances we're initially ignorant of, finds sanctuary substituting for a stunt man killed on the set of a World War I movie being made by megalomaniac director Eli Cross (O'Toole). Cross agrees to hide Cameron's identity from police liaison Jake (Rocco) if Cameron will "become" dead stunt man Burt, which keeps Jake from shutting down the production and Cameron out of jail. Cameron's perception of "reality vs. illusion" soon becomes confused, as he begins a relationship with self-absorbed leading lady Nina Franklin (Hershey) while training with the film's earthy stunt coordinator Chuck Barton (Bail playing a character loosely based on himself). Nothing is as it seems in Rush's framework, and we rarely know more than Cameron does about what is real and what is merely movie make-believe--does Nina really love Cameron, for instance, or is she just pretending to for the sake of the picture? After a rousing rooftop action scene gets a little hairy, Cameron begins to fear that Eli, who lords over his crew like a 17th-century ruler, plans to murder him in the final scene to give his picture an extra dose of "reality".

For Rush, who also produced and co-wrote the script with Lawrence B. Marcus, THE STUNT MAN is the culmination of nearly a decade of planning, scrambling and trying to convince studios to bankroll his vision. His two previous pictures, GETTING STRAIGHT and FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, were very successful moneymakers, but none of his previous work, which mostly consists of biker films and low-budget melodramas, would suggest that a film as great as THE STUNT MAN resided inside of him. In fact, he may have "shot his wad" with it, since, more than two decades later, only 1994's overwrought and extremely laughable COLOR OF NIGHT has been added to Rush's filmography. His most successful films contain iconoclastic elements of rebellion (like the "hero" bikers of THE SAVAGE SEVEN or the maverick cops FREEBIE AND THE BEAN) and extended, dysfunctional "families" (like the hippies in PSYCH-OUT), and those elements are present in THE STUNT MAN as well.

What made the film so problematic for Hollywood is that it doesn't fit into any film genre. It isn't an action film or a slapstick comedy or a drama or satire, yet it contains components of all. Though the constant changes in tone--not just from scene to scene, but also within a scene--might be distracting in a lesser film, Rush's sure hand and the skills of his actors keep this one steady. Railsback, whose specialty is playing psychos (like Charles Manson in HELTER SKELTER), is perhaps not "normal" enough for Cameron, who represents our "eyes" behind the scenes, but he does capture the right mixture of naivet and strength, and few actors play paranoia better than Railsback (as X-FILES fans know all too well). Hershey probably wouldn't be many filmmakers' first choice to play The Perfect Dream Girl, but Rush and cinematographer Mario Tosi (CARRIE) photograph her well, and she's able to reflect the proper complexities of a character whose motives are unclear to us, as well as to Cameron. I liked Bail quite a bit too; his homespun demeanor helps to ground the film in reality, and he serves as a perfect balance to the more fanciful personalities of the others working on the film-within-the-film. The fact that Bail really is a renowned stunt man adds an extra dash of color to the film.

Undoubtedly, THE STUNT MAN wouldn't be the critical success it is without the presence of O'Toole, who sinks his teeth into a marvelously well-rounded character unlike any other he's ever played. Cross appears to be all over the emotional spectrum--alternately witty and urbane, cruel and calculating, foppish, snide, soothing, paternal, vengeful...you name it. What makes the character even more complex is that we rarely know when Cross is being "real" or when he's acting at being soothing or cruel in order to manipulate the lives of his cast and crew for the sake of his film. Playing God is a tough chore for any actor, but O'Toole proves he's up to the task, floating over his subjects on his "killer crane" and often dropping into a scene unexpectedly to remind us that Eli is always watching.

Also with Allen Garfield, Sharon Farrell, Adam Roarke, Philip Bruns, George Wallace and Michael Railsback (Steve's brother and inspired casting as Burt). Dominic Frontiere's lively score won a Golden Globe, and projects a carnival atmosphere that nicely parallels the film's let's-put-on-a-show tone. San Diego's Hotel del Coronado served as the film's principal location, although the bridge scenes were filmed near Sacramento, California. Based on a novel by Paul Brodeur. In addition to O'Toole's nomination, Rush received a Best Director Oscar nomination, as did Rush and Marcus for the screenplay.

Anchor Bay Entertainment has released THE STUNT MAN as a Limited Edition 2-disc DVD set of just 100,000 copies. Now seen in its 1.85:1 aspect ratio for the first time since its theatrical release, THE STUNT MAN looks as good as ever, I suppose, although there's no way of knowing whether the washed-out colors and hazy backgrounds are due to Tosi's cinematography or someone's failure to preserve the original source materials. It certainly looks better than Fox's now-out-of-print pan-and-scan videocassette. The sound isn't great either. Available in Dolby Digital Surround EX, DTS ES and Dolby Surround 2.0 (it played theaters in mono), the soundtrack provides a few nice background effects, but the dialogue was mixed too low and was sometimes hard to understand. No subtitles are included on the DVD, but it is closed-captioned, if your television has that function.

Rush appears on the disc's commentary track, along with actors O'Toole, Railsback, Hershey, Rocco, Bail and Farrell. It sounds as though Rush and O'Toole were each recorded separately and mixed into the group commentary. The process works well, in that there's little dead space and everyone has interesting tidbits to contribute. Everyone seems quite proud of the film, and O'Toole, one of cinema's greatest raconteurs, has plenty of fun stories to share. Rush also contributes a pair of deleted scenes to the disc. The first, a short conversation between O'Toole and Allen Garfield, adds more to the Cross character and maybe should have stayed in the final cut. The raucous second scene is set at a police station, and, while maybe worth a laugh or two, is too jarring in tone from the rest of the movie. Three trailers--one in Spanish--demonstrate that 20th Century Fox had little idea how to sell THE STUNT MAN to audiences, and the hefty still gallery includes behind-the-scenes shots, production drawings and advertising art.

The biggest extra gets its own disc to itself--THE SINISTER SAGA OF MAKING THE STUNT MAN, directed, written, produced and hosted by Richard Rush, a nearly-two-hour feature shot on video in which Rush relates everything you ever wanted to know about THE STUNT MAN and more that you didn't. It's inclusive all right, but also too self-aggrandizing and gimmicky in its approach. O'Toole, Hershey, Railsback, Bail, Farrell and Tosi appear in interview segments, but added together they don't have as much screen time as Rush, who may have an inflated ego but at least isn't too overbearing. Personally, I thought the extras on the first disc were enough, but if you want to see how the Hotel del Coronado looks today or Regis Philbin reading a rave review of the film, check out SINISTER SAGA for yourself. Both THE STUNT MAN and THE SINISTER SAGA are available separately, though it's hard to believe there would be much interest in SAGA on its own.

Although I wish Rush had spent more time the last two decades making new movies than fiddling with an old one, even one as great as THE STUNT MAN, I can't quibble with the pride he feels for his baby. With its complex structure and rich characters and dialogue, THE STUNT MAN is a film that demands multiple viewings, and now that Anchor Bay has provided us with a fine DVD, the ravings of Eli Cross and the subversive personality of Richard Rush will be easily available forever.

SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS (1975)--Directed by Barbara Peeters. Stars Candice Rialson, Pat Anderson, Rhonda Leigh Hopkins, Dick Miller. Following in the footsteps of New World hits like THE STUDENT TEACHERS and CANDY STRIPE NURSES comes this interesting feminist tract disguised as a T&A film. Three Midwestern farmgirls move to Los Angeles to teach high school and maybe find love in the process. Blond Conklin T. (Rialson) teaches girls' P.E. and tries to organize an all-female football team, much to the consternation of male chauvinist athletic director Sam (Miller, who later appeared with Rialson in HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD). Science teacher Denise (cute Hopkins) falls for a teenage hood who gets kidnapped by a car theft gang, while Sally (Anderson) teaches photography and poses for some sexy shots of her own.

Typically for these New World formula films, SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS fulfills the requirements of an exploitation movie with copious nudity and slapstick humor, but also contains serious subtext. As written and directed by Peeters (HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP) and produced by Julie Corman (wife of executive producer Roger Corman), SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS is deep down a feminist treatise on women's liberation and empowerment in which, yep, the girls get naked, but only on their own terms for their own pleasure. Conklin and Company are the smartest characters in the movie, and use both their brains and bodies to break down "the Man's" rule. I'm not advocating SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS as any kind of classic, but it's much more ambitious than those who turn down their noses at drive-in flicks would be willing to admit. Also with Will Carney, Vince Barnett, Norman Bartold, PHANTASM's Bill Thornbury, Beach Dickerson and MACON COUNTY LINE director Michael Miller. Music by J.J. Jackson. Mel Damski (YELLOWBEARD) was the second unit director. Dixie Peabody, who starred in Peeters' previous BURY ME AN ANGEL, was her production assistant on TEACHERS.

SUNBURN (1979)--Directed by Richard C. Sarafian. Stars Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Charles Grodin, Art Carney, Joan Collins. Grodin and Fawcett-Majors are an unlikely couple in this frothy adventure/comedy filmed in Acapulco. Insurance investigator Jake (Grodin) is sent to Mexico to investigate the death of a wealthy man with a $5 million life insurance policy. Teaming up with beautiful model Ellie (Fawcett-Majors)--undercover as Jake's wife--and grizzled ex-P.I. Marcus (Carney), Jake snoops into the lives of his rich neighbors, including philandering wife Collins, and engages in a swashbuckling final-reel rescue. The story, co-written by TERMINATOR executive producer John Daly (head of Hemdale, which financed the James Cameron picture) and actor James Booth, is a mess, bouncing from location to location with no sense of rhythm and introducing seemingly important characters only to drop them, but Sarafian sets a breezy pace, and the actors look like they're having fun (they ought to--they're in Acapulco, for crying out loud!).

Farrah did three pictures immediately after leaving CHARLIE'S ANGELS. All three, including the similar SOMEBODY KILLED HER HUSBAND and SATURN 3, were flops, and Farrah wasn't taken seriously until her Emmy-nominated turn in THE BURNING BED. Also with William Daniels, Keenan Wynn, Eleanor Parker, John Hillerman, Jack Kruschen, Robin Clarke, Alejandro Rey and Seymour Cassel (one of those characters that strangely and inexplicably vanishes from the movie). John Cameron composed the score; Herbie Hancock, 10cc and Paul McCartney & Wings ("With A Little Luck") provide songs.

SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT (1990)--Directed by Anthony Hickox. Stars Bruce Campbell, David Carradine, Deborah Foreman, Jim Metzler, Morgan Brittany, John Ireland. It isn’t until now that you’ve been able to really see SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT, which director Anthony Hickox (WAXWORK) made in Moab, Utah in 1988. Vestron unfortunately went down the tubes around that time, and SUNDOWN never received a proper theatrical release. Its VHS release and television showings made mincemeat of cinematographer Levie Isaacks’ work and Hickox’s staging, but getting to see it on Lionsgate’s Special Edition DVD reveals an amusing horror/comedy that has been very badly served by its rights owners to date.

SUNDOWN’s biggest problem is its large cast of characters and disparate storylines. It’s difficult to ascertain who the movie is about, and many plot threads are ultimately not connected as strongly as they should have been. The great Bruce Campbell, just off EVIL DEAD II, is Robert Van Helsing, who arrives in the desert town of Purgatory to find Count Mardulak (David Carradine), the vampire his great-grandfather stalked over a century before. What Van Helsing isn’t prepared for is facing an entire town of vampires, which gathered in Purgatory to keep them away from the tempting taste of human blood.

Also arriving in Purgatory is David Harrison (Jim Metzler), his wife Sarah (DALLAS’ Morgan Brittany) and their two daughters. David has come to rescue the town’s lone industry, which is a factory that manufactures artificial blood for medical use. Of course, it’s also Purgatory’s food supply, and between the plant being on the fritz and an unusually large assembly of people passing through, many townspeople are jonesing for the real red stuff.

Hickox also introduces a third plot thread, which pits Mardulak and his followers against enemy vampires ruled by Jefferson (John Ireland!), who wants to get out of Purgatory and take over the world using the human race as food. All three stories mix together uncomfortably, but the decent cast, occasional wit, lush scenery and Richard Stone’s majestic score make the end justify the means. Campbell is particularly funny in an Ash-like performance, and Carradine seems to be enjoying himself more than in some of the other B-movies he’s starred in.

Also appearing are the delectable Deborah Foreman (VALLEY GIRL), M. Emmet Walsh (BLOOD SIMPLE), Maxwell Caulfield (GREASE 2), Dana Ashbrook (TWIN PEAKS), Elizabeth Gracen, Bert Remsen, Sunshine Parker, Buck Flower, Dabbs Greer and John Hancock, so you can imagine the delightful acting moments that occur. Ignore the pretentious title, as well as any preconceptions you may have gotten through its pervertedly pan-and-scanned tape and TV prints, and you may find that SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT is an appealing little movie ($2.5 million) with laughs and fun.

Michael Felsher moderates director Hickox and director of photography Isaacks in an entertaining audio commentary that doesn’t answer all the questions a fan of this movie may have (so is Vestron’s Dan Ireland related to actor John Ireland or not?), but most. Neither man had seen SUNDOWN since it was made, and they have a good time revisiting it and telling tales. Also included are individual on-screen interviews with Carradine (charming), Campbell (candid as usual, including some juicy Carradine gossip) and Walsh (avuncular). About six minutes of not terribly thrilling stills are included, as well as a handful of Lionsgate trailers. There’s no SUNDOWN trailer, but one may never have existed, since it didn’t get the theatrical release it deserved.

SUNSET BEAT (1990)—Directed by Sam Weisman. Stars George Clooney, Michael DeLuise, Markus Flanagan, Erik King, Marshall Teague, James Tolkan, Anthony Geary, Ami Dolenz. God, how I love terrible shortlived cop shows. I especially love the ones that star a young George Clooney with a dangling earring, long curly hair, and porkchop sideburns. And I really really love it when George is playing a rock guitarist who moonlights as an undercover motorcycle cop in L.A. So you can definitely assume that I heart SUNSET BEAT.

Clooney stars as Chic Chesbro (!), who rocks out at night on the Sunset Strip in a band called Private Prayer. Chic, Kelly (DeLuise), Coolidge (Flanagan), J.C. (Teague), and Smith (King) are an experimental unit that works out of an abandoned firehouse under the supervision of Captain Parker (Tolkan), who spends most of his time on the phone with his superiors defending his mavericks for bending rules in pursuit of justice. Patrick Hasburgh, who wrote some good scripts for Stephen J. Cannell shows (including 21 JUMP STREET, the obvious inspiration for SUNSET BEAT), penned a real dog here with a plot that never gets moving and dialogue with no logic or sense (after Clooney corrects a co-worker who calls his ex-wife his wife, the guy says, “I don’t care if she’s the mother to be named later”—what the hell does that mean?).

Impressive stunts and an extremely good cast (all of the young stars went on to substantial acting careers) that bounce off each other very well are the pilot’s high points, but it’s all to serve a ludicrous story about the world’s lamest “terrorist organization.” Eccentric German businessman Peter Schmidt (Geary) blackmails the city of Los Angeles into returning confiscated dirty cash by poisoning zoo elephants, tattooing the mayor’s aide’s chest, and threatening a TV weatherman on the air. Yeah, real scary. Meanwhile, Coolidge befriends a teenage runaway and wannabe hooker (Dolenz), and Smith tries to keep his little brother from running with a drug dealer.

Also with Clint Howard, Michael D. Roberts (BARETTA), Jack McGee, David Paymer, Sydney Walsh, Clabe Hartley, and FAMILY’s Gary Frank as a douchy FBI agent. Music by Peter Bernstein. ABC buried SUNSET BEAT on Saturday night and then cancelled it one week later. It was the third series for Clooney, who jumped almost immediately to the terrible ABC sitcom BABY TALK. ER premiered in 1994, and the rest is history. Surprisingly, MGM HD has aired this lame TV pilot as a very sharp-looking remastered print in a 1.78:1 aspect ratio that doesn’t look unnatural.

SUNSET COVE (1978)—Directed by Al Adamson. Stars Jay B. Larson, John Durren, Burr Schmidt, John Carradine. This may be the most competent Adamson movie I’ve seen yet. It’s pointless, but that isn’t unusual for this genre. A group of high school students react to the news that a 41-floor condominium is being built on their beach by fighting back, not by petitions, but by stripping the corrupt mayor of his underpants and taking pictures of him nakedly chasing two sexy topless girls across the beach. Much beer-drinking and sex ensue, though SUNSET COVE is warmer and less mean-spirited than many teen comedies. The kids pull pranks, but no one is really hurt. Interestingly, the fat kid is seen stuffing his face with food all the time, but all the kids like him and treat him like an equal. Crown International’s MALIBU BEACH, released the same year, was also seen as SUNSET COVE, and that film is better. Carradine shows up briefly at the end to straighten the plot out in court.

SUNSHINE (2007)—Directed by Danny Boyle. Stars Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, Cliff Curtis, Troy Garity, Benedict Wong. This crashing bore from the director/writer team behind THE BEACH and 28 DAYS LATER contains one of the lamest final reels in recent history, a real “jump the shark” moment that upgrades the film from “dull” to “stupid.” Eight astronauts lead a mission into outer space to launch a bomb into the dying sun that will rejuvenate it. As much as I like outer space movies, this one plays notes from several other (better) movies, such as ALIEN, DARK STAR, MISSION TO MARS, STAR TREK, SILENT RUNNING and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. Even A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, for Chrissake. Boyle’s substandard storytelling will have you scratching your head most of the time, alternately muttering “How?” and “Why?” with an occasional “What th--?” tossed in.

THE SUNSHINE BOYS (1975)--Directed by Herbert Ross. Stars George Burns, Walter Matthau, Richard Benjamin. Burns (making his first film in 36 years!) and Matthau are an engaging screen duo in this Neil Simon adaptation. They play a once-famous vaudeville team who, since their breakup years before, has been engaged in a bitter feud. Matthau's agent nephew (Benjamin) tries to get them to reunite for an upcoming television show. Both stars are fantastic; though it was Burns who won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar (for what is really a lead actor's role). Also with Lee Meredith, Carol Arthur and Howard Hesseman as a TV-commercial director.

SUPER FUZZ (1980)--Directed by Sergio Corbucci. Stars Terence Hill, Ernest Borgnine, Joanne Dru. If you watched enough HBO during the early 1980’s, you undoubtedly saw this goofy Italian comedy several times. A rookie Miami policeman, Dave Speed (Hill), is accidentally exposed to radiation which imbues him with super powers. His older partner (Borgnine, overacting even more than usual) refuses to believe Speed’s story, even after the rookie somehow survives a ten-story fall. The two bust up a Mafia counterfeiting ring, while Borgnine gets goo-goo eyes for aging screen queen Dru. The silly musical score, complete with a chorus that sings, “Super Super!“, whenever Hill demonstrates his powers, is hard to get out of your head. As is the dopey climax where Borgnine floats from the ocean floor on a giant piece of bubble gum and then falls at such speed that he and Dave crash clear through the Earth all the way to China. Also with Marc Lawrence and Sal Borgese.

THE SUPER INFRAMAN (1975)--Directed by Hua Shan. Stars Danny Lee Sau-yin, Terry Liu Hui-ru, Wang Hsia. Watching the colorful and crazy Shaw Brothers comic strip is an enormously fun experience. Even though the subtitles were quite small and hard to read, I quickly realized the fast-paced action scenes outnumbered lines of dialogue anyway, and the simple plot is pretty easy to follow. Sexy Princess Elzibub (Liu) and her hit squad of rubber monsters are creating earthquakes and other natural disasters in an effort to conquer the Earth. To fight back, an elderly scientist (Hsia) creates Inframan (Lee), a super-powered martial artist clad in red armor and armed with weapons like "Lethal Kick" and "Lightning Fists". These come in handy when fighting Elzibub's monsters, which include a giant octopus, several skeleton warriors and a green...um...I don't know what it is. Obviously an influence on MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, THE SUPER INFRAMAN is great goofy fun for kids that adults can also get a kick out of. Believe it or not, it appeared in American theaters as INFRA-MAN in 1976 and received a thumbs-up from Roger Ebert!

SUPER NIGHT OF ROCK ‘N ROLL (1984)—Directed by Malcolm Leo. Stars Howard Hesseman. Former TV DJ Hesseman (WKRP IN CINCINNATI) hosts this NBC-TV salute to old-time rock and roll by the director of THIS IS ELVIS. It mixes new performances and old film clips to serve up a decent selection of tunes that have sadly been way overplayed on oldies radio stations. Chuck Berry (“Roll Over Beethoven”), the Temptations (“My Girl”), Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons (“Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”), Jefferson Starship (“Somebody to Love”), the Hollies (“Carrie Anne”), Martha Reeves (of the Vandellas), Ronnie Spector (of the Ronettes), Darlene Love (of the Crystals), and James Brown (“Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”) perform live with exuberance.

SUPER SIZE ME (2004)--Directed by Morgan Spurlock. Stars Morgan Spurlock. Spurred on by news reports of two obese teenage girls who sued McDonald's, blaming the fast-food chain for their excessive weight, documentarian Spurlock decided to find out first-hand just how harmful the cuisine at the Golden Arches is. For 30 days, he ate only items that could be found on the McDonald's menu--including water--and even "Super Sized" his meal if the employee at the counter asked him to. The results were astounding--weight gain, depression, headaches, sexual dysfunction. To see the gregarious Spurlock transformed into a blotchy zombie before our very eyes is to believe in the insidious business practices of one of America's most beloved symbols. But SUPER SIZE ME isn't just a McDonald's hatchet job. He also examines the eating habits of school children, including the origin of the hot lunches served to them in the cafeteria, and the manner in which producers of unhealthy food advertise it to kids. He makes periodic visits to his physicians, who express astonishment at how quickly his body is deteriorating. And through it all, Spurlock's girlfriend--ironically, a vegan chef--stands by him, clucking her tongue impatiently. A fascinating, educational documentary with a poignant revelation about our fast-food society.

SUPER TROOPERS (2002)--Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar. Stars Jay Chandrasekhar, Steve Lemme, Kevin Hefferman, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske. A comedy troupe called Broken Lizard wrote and star in this ribald slob comedy (director Chandrasekhar is one of them too) about a small group of Vermont Highway Patrolmen so bored with their jobs that they liven it up by playing pranks on one another and the unsuspecting citizens they pull over on the interstate. It may be placing bets on how many times they can slip the word "meow" into the conversation while writing a ticket or disguising themselves and engaging fellow cops in high-speed pursuits. There is a token plot about the troopers' office being shut down in a budget cut and an investigation into marijuana smugglers, but what's really interesting about SUPER TROOPERS is the camaraderie among the cast and its friendly humor. Considering the state of contemporary film comedy, I was surprised that, although some is there, Broken Lizard didn't rely heavily on sex and scatological humor, focusing more on silly wordplay and good-natured slapstick. Several gags are laugh-out-loud funny, and I'm looking forward to the group's next film, rumored to be a horror spoof. Also with Brian Cox (MANHUNTER), Daniel Von Bargen (THE POSTMAN), Marisa Coughlin, Jim Gaffigan, John Bedford Lloyd (THE THING) and Lynda "Wonder Woman" Carter as the Governor. Chandrasekhar has directed episodes of the FOX sitcom UNDECLARED.

SUPERARGO AGAINST DIABOLICUS (1966)—Directed by Nick Nostro. Stars Ken Wood, Gerard Tichy, Monica Randall. I wonder if this Italian/Spanish co-production was influenced by the U.S. television series BATMAN, though it was likely produced before the show played in Europe. It’s really more James Bond than superhero, though this mixing of genres works very well.

Superargo (Italian stuntman Giovanni Cianfriglia as Ken Wood) is a masked wrestler who quits the sport after accidentally killing his friend El Tigre in the ring. His old war buddy Kenton recruits Superargo into a new career as a secret agent. Adding to his natural superpowers, which include instantly coagulating blood, an invulnerability to extreme cold and electricity, and the ability to hold his breath for seven minutes, Superargo goes into battle with a new bulletproof red costume and black mask. His assignment is to discover who has been robbing ships of mercury and uranium.

The culprit is Diabolicus (Tichy), who has discovered a method of transmuting mercury into gold and plans to flood the world market and become “ruler of the entire universe.” For a guy traumatized by killing someone by accident, Superargo has no problem ripping through Diabolicus’ henchmen, brutally beating, freezing, and drowning the bad guys during his assault on their island stronghold.

Wisely, the filmmakers play everything like a cheap pulp novel, asking us to buy into their fantasy world of spies, gadgets, and guys who never remove their superhero costume, even in private. Nostro directs with some verve, and Franco Pisano’s score echoes John Barry in its attempt to remind the audience of the film’s main influence. The movie is great fun—cheap special effects and all—and I’m glad Superargo was able to return in a sequel.

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1968)--Directed by Paolo Bianchini. Stars Ken Wood, Guy Madison, Liz Barrett. If you don’t expect to see any faceless giants, this Italian mixture of superhero and spy antics is pretty fun. Former pro wrestler-turned-superspy Superargo (Wood) is a deep-voiced muscleman in a black mask and bulletproof red tights. Since his last appearance in SUPERARGO AGAINST DIABOLICUS, Superargo has added a new weapon to his repertoire, levitation, as taught him by his Indian sidekick Kamir.

SUPERBAD (2007)—Directed by Greg Mottola. Stars Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Seth Rogen, Bill Hader. This funny teen comedy from the Judd Apatow factory (the KNOCKED UP director produced it) is a foul-mouthed and oddly sweet all-nighter about three high-school seniors trying to buy beer, hoping it will lead or even trick girls into sleeping with them. While vulgar fat dude Seth (Hill) and his hesitant skinny best pal Evan (Cera) face their uncertain futures separated by different colleges, as well as dope-crazed partygoers looking to get their fight on, their nerdy pal Fogell (discovery Mintz-Plasse), newly proud owner of a fake ID identifying him with the single moniker “McLovin,” ends up on patrol with two immature cops (co-writer Rogen and SNL’s Hader).

While some may be uncomfortable with the movie’s obsession with foul language and underage drinking, SUPERBAD could almost fit comfortably next to PORKY’S and other sex-obsessed teen movies from the 1970s and early-‘80s. The music and fashions are straight out of the ‘70s (these teens are the only high school kids in America to play disco at their parties), but Mottola falls down in the nudity department, providing not even a single boob. As much talk that SUPERBAD does on the subject of sex—where to get it, how to get it, and even “should I get it”—it seems too safe and a bit hypocritical not to go further than it does, as every other line of dialogue incorporates sexual-based vulgarities. I shouldn’t be thinking too hard about SUPERBAD anyway, and I wasn’t while I was watching it. It’s hardly the end-all and be-all of cinematic comedy, but it’s raucous, crude, often funny and definitely a good time. Also with Emma Stone, Martha McIsaac, Clement Blake, Carla Gallo and curiously without the requisite cameos from Apatow’s stock company that one expects in a film with his name on it. The Bar-Kays, The Four Tops, Ted Nugent, Notorious B.I.G. and Van Halen are among the curiously non-contemporary artists on the soundtrack.

SUPERBEAST (1972)--Directed by George Schenck. Stars Antoinette Bower, Craig Littler, Harry Lauter, Vic Diaz. The 873rd MOST DANGEROUS GAME ripoff in film history. Incredibly dull horror film starring Bower as a sexy pathologist in hip-huggers who becomes trapped in the Filipino jungle and meets a nutty scientist (Littler) who is experimenting on human guinea pigs by turning them into hairy beasts. It's all so wealthy big-game hunter Lauter can shoot them for sport. There's no sex, barely any action, and the "superbeast" makeup isn't too thrilling either. Littler later played JASON OF STAR COMMAND on Saturday morning TV. Dr. Robert J. Rosser served as "technical advisor", whatever that means. Music by Richard LaSalle. Triple-threat Schenck also scripted and produced this terrible turkey. Filmed in the Philippines.

SUPERCHICK (1973)--Directed by Ed Forsyth. Stars Joyce Jillson, Tony Young. Future Reagan administration astrologist Jillson plays Tara B. True, a blond, long-haired stewardess who is so sexy that she's forced to disguise herself as a mouse before she goes out in public. She's a karate black belt and a feminist with three different lovers in three different series, all of whom want to marry her, but Tara digs her freedom. And those aren't her only lovers; she even hooks up with a soldier just back from Vietnam as a way of saying thanks for defending her country. Not much happens in this sporadically funny sex comedy, and even though Jillson doesn't seem too shy about baring her tight body, the end credits carry an unusual disclaimer that a body double was used in some of her sex scenes. Uschi Digard shows off her body too as a porn actress. Also with John Carradine as an elderly perv, Louis Quinn, Candy Samples, Norman Bartold, Rick Cassidy and Fuji. From the director of CHESTY ANDERSON, USN.

SUPERCOP (1996)--Directed by Stanley Tong. Stars Jackie Chan, Michelle Khan, Bill Tung, Maggie Cheung. Originally released as POLICE STORY 3: SUPERCOP in 1992, this Jackie chopathon was released in the United States four years later. About ten minutes were snipped out, some of the action scenes tightened up, and the character names were changed in order to conceal the fact that this was a sequel. Jackie plays a Hong Kong cop who is sent undercover to wipe out a Chinese drug kingpin. He's backed up by a beautiful but tough Chinese detective, played by 29-year-old Michelle Khan (also known as Michelle Yeoh).

The story doesn't always make a heckuva lotta sense, but who cares? Tong keeps the action moving very quickly, there are plenty of unbelievable stunts (both Chan and Khan do their own; Jackie dangles from a helicopter over Kuala Lampur, while Michelle jumps a motorcycle onto a moving train!), and the stars are likable and appealing. Action features more gunfire and explosions than usual Chan fare; its similarity to American action films is probably why it was chosen for theatrical release here. Soundtrack features Welsh superstar Tom Jones performing "Kung Fu Fighting"!

SUPERGIRL (1984)--Directed by Jeannot Szwarc. Stars Faye Dunaway, Helen Slater, Peter O'Toole, Hart Bochner, Brenda Vaccaro, Mia Farrow, Simon Ward. Filmed just after the abominable SUPERMAN III, this estrogen-fueled superhero adventure was pawned off by Warner Brothers onto Tri-Star Pictures, which cut some much-needed characterization from it before poorly distributing it to theaters during the Thanksgiving season. The screenplay by David Odell (MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE) isn't exactly big on logic or common sense, but some performances and special effects make SUPERGIRL better than its reputation.

Somehow the paradisiacal metropolis of Argo City survived the destruction of the planet Krypton, which led to baby Kal-El's rocketing to Earth, where he became the red-white-and-blue-clad hero known as Superman (Christopher Reeve in SUPERMAN I-IV). Also--somehow--Argo City appears to exist in another dimension located at the bottom of a lake in Illinois. The community is powered by a baseball-sized sphere called an Omegahedron, invented by and lost through the carelessness of Argo City's founder Zaltar (O'Toole). Knowing Argo City--and her parents Zor-El (Ward) and Allura (Farrow)--won't survive without it, naive teenager Kara (Slater) impulsively travels to Earth in an attempt to retrieve the Omegahedron, which has fallen into the hands of evil sorceress Selena (Dunaway). Selena, aided by sharp-tongued pal Bianca (Vaccaro) and warlock math instructor Nigel (Cook), plans to use the sphere's powers to rule the world. Upon arriving on Earth, the long-blond-tressed Kara enrolls in a girls' school as a brunette using the name Linda Lee, while searching for the Omegahedron in her spare time wearing the familiar costume of her cousin Superman.

SUPERGIRL, while not really good, is a difficult picture to hate. Odell's script is very frustrating (why is Argo City hidden in a lake? Why does Kara dilly-dally around the school when she should be frantically searching for the missing orb that will prevent her parents death? Why does she dodge that falling statue when it would easily shatter on her invulnerable body?)--even director Szwarc admits he was making a fantasy picture, and wasn't all that interested in explaining away the glaring plotholes--yet the film exhibits a sweet--almost naive--charm that makes one want to forgive its faults. 20-year-old Slater, making her feature film debut, is perfect as Kara; with her wholesome beauty and beneficent presence, Slater is such an enchanting figure that we're tempted to root for her no matter what our opinion of the film around her. Except for maybe SUPERMAN III, Kara's character arc is arguably more developed than any Christopher Reeve got to play, and its to Slater's credit that she pulls it off so well. It also doesn't hurt that she looks fantastic in her Super-leotards.

On the other end of the spectrum is Faye Dunaway, who more or less duplicates her Joan Crawford MOMMIE DEAREST histrionics as archvillainess Selena. She isn't helped by sketchy character motivations that force her powerful, world-dominating sorceress to spend valuable running time chasing a lunkheaded, barrel-chested boy toy (a thankless role decently essayed by Bochner) rather than, er, well, ruling the world (where you'd think she could land just about any boyfriend she wanted). O'Toole, who's always fun to watch when he overacts, looks like he's having a grand time wrestling with his flowery dialogue, while Cook is properly bitchy as Dunaway's acerbic flame.

The special effects, while primitive by today's standards perhaps, are mostly very good. The flying sequences are at least as good as those in 1978's SUPERMAN--THE MOVIE (although executive producers Ilya and Alexander Salkind had three movies to practice on by 1984), and Kara's initial flying ballet (sadly trimmed by Tri-Star during SUPERGIRL's initial theatrical run) is one of the movie's best scenes. Supergirl's climactic battle with some sort of supernatural dragon creature (or something) is confusingly and dully filmed, and I suspect this was some sort of effort to hide the lame visuals. Jerry Goldsmith's score, while wisely (except for one brief passage) eschewing John Williams familiar SUPERMAN themes, is excellent, while cinematographer Alan Hume, who lensed several James Bond movies, adroitly doubles Pinewood Studios and nearby English locations for small-town Illinois.

Also with Maureen Teefy (FAME) as Lucy "Sister of Lois" Lane, Marc McClure (the SUPERMAN films' only holdover) as Jimmy Olsen, David Healy and Matt Frewer. Paris-born Szwarc, who works in episodic television (THE PRACTICE, BOSTON PUBLIC) these days, was a genre vet with BUG, JAWS 2 and SOMEWHERE IN TIME already under his belt. Slater, despite featured performances in box-office hits like RUTHLESS PEOPLE and CITY SLICKERS, never capitalized on her Supergirl role, probably due more to the film's lukewarm reception than any fault in her performance. Hart Bochner's (URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT) father is familiar character actor Lloyd Bochner (DYNASTY).

SUPERMAN (1948)--Directed by Spencer G. Bennet & Thomas Carr. Stars Kirk Alyn, Noel Neill, Carol Forman, Tommy Bond. The Man of Steel's first screen appearance was this 15-chapter serial produced by Columbia Pictures. The flying sequences were all done in animation; Alyn as Superman would leap into the air, and turn into a cartoon that would zip around the sky. Whether this was done due to limitations in time or budget or Columbia's lack of talented visual effects wizards like Republic's Lydecker brothers is unknown, but the transition from animation to live-action is frequently off-putting, and definitely makes it difficult for one to become absorbed in the fantasy.

That said, SUPERMAN (sometimes known these days as SUPERMAN--THE SERIAL) is a lot of fun, due to some energetic direction and a terrifically likable and sincere hero in Kirk Alyn. Alyn, who died in 1999, was a ballet dancer and stage actor who probably got the role in SUPERMAN due to his size (well over six feet) and smiling demeanor, plus the fact that he was already a Columbia contract player. In fact, it seems likely that George Reeves based his Clark Kent/Superman largely on Alyn's performance in the two serials (Reeves first played Supes in '51).

The 15 chapters begin with the familiar tale of Superman's Kryptonian origins--how his father Jor-El tried to convince his planet's leaders of an impending explosion which would destroy Krypton--his flight to Earth in a rocket, his adoption by Midwestern farm folk, his move to Metropolis and employment as a reporter for the Daily Planet, and moves right along into a standard serial plot about a nefarious villain called the Spider Lady (Forman) who plans to use a weapon called a Reducer Ray to rule the world from her cavern hideout. Neill (who reprised her role in the Reeves TV series) makes for a plucky if frequently stupid Lois Lane, but Bond (a former Little Rascal) is a bit too broad as Jimmy Olson. The disappointing climax involving the Spider Lady's defeat makes Superman's appearance almost superfluous--he has nothing to do with her destruction! Also with Pierre Watkin as Perry White, George Meeker, Jack Ingram, Terry Frost and Charles Quigley. Much of the cast returned two years later for ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN in which the Man of Steel battled archfoe Lex Luthor (played by Lyle Talbot).

SUPERMAN (1978)--Directed by Richard Donner. Stars Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Marlon Brando, Margot Kidder, Ned Beatty, Valerie Perrine. Wonderful fantasy in which you really do believe a man can fly. Epic blockbuster reenacts the origin and childhood of the classic DC Comics superhero and adds a plot involving Lex Luthor's (Hackman) plan to blow up California. After considering every male star from Steve McQueen to Nick Nolte, the producers wisely chose Reeve, an unknown, to play Superman, and what a wonderful choice it was! His Superman is brave, witty and confident, and his portrayal of the meek and bumbling Clark Kent is equally fun. Hackman is a wonderfully evil Luthor, and Kidder makes a believable Lois Lane. Excellent cast also includes Glenn Ford, Phyllis Thaxter, Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, Susannah York and Trevor Howard. Brando was paid $3 million for about ten minutes screen time as Jor-El. Excellent special effects won an Oscar. Witty script credited to Robert Benton, Mario Puzo, David Newman and Leslie Newman, but mostly written by creative consultant Tom Mankiewicz. Great music by John Williams.

SUPERMAN II (1980)--Directed by Richard Lester. Stars Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Margot Kidder, Terence Stamp, Sarah Douglas, Jack O'Halloran. Excellent sequel is just as good or better than the first. Three Kryptonian criminals escape from the Phantom Zone and come to Earth, where they have superpowers similar to Superman's. But Superman (Reeve) has fallen in love with Lois Lane (Kidder) and has forsaken his superpowers to live a normal life with her. The battle scene with Superman and the three super-criminals destroying half of Metropolis is awesome. Reeve and Kidder are a touching couple. Also with Jackie Cooper, Ned Beatty, Valerie Perrine, and Susannah York.

SUPERMAN III (1983)--Directed by Richard Lester. Stars Christopher Reeve, Robert Vaughn, Richard Pryor, Annette O'Toole, Pamela Stephenson, Jackie Cooper. Woefully inept sequel finds Superman (Reeve) trying to prevent a madman (Vaughn) from taking over the world with a weather satellite. Pryor is sadly miscast as a computer expert who is tricked by Vaughn into helping him. Pryor invents red kryptonite, which splits Superman into two beings (one good and one evil). Lester's attempts at slapstick comedy really turn this into a mess. Margot Kidder reportedly wanted too much money to return as Lois Lane, so she was written out of the script, and her lines given to O'Toole as Clark Kent's high-school sweetheart Lana Lang.

SUPERMAN IV--THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987)--Directed by Sidney J. Furie. Stars Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Mariel Hemingway, Jon Cryer. Warner Brothers didn't feel like making any more SUPERMAN films, so the schlockmeisters at Cannon snapped up the rights. This low-budget adventure finds Superman (Reeve) battling Nuclear Man, an artificial superpowered being created by Lex Luthor (Hackman) and his nephew (Cryer in an annoying performance). Hemingway is Superman's new love interest. Hackman goes way over the top with his performance; you get the feeling he knew this picture was going nowhere and he was out to have as much fun as he could. Also with series regulars Margot Kidder, Jackie Cooper and Marc McClure. Reeve co-wrote the story.

SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN (1951)--Directed by Lee Sholem. Stars George Reeves, Phyllis Coates, Jeff Corey. Before Reeves starred in the first season of the syndicated THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, Lippert Pictures produced this 58-minute feature that was later cut into a two-part episode, “The Unknown People.” Daily Planet reporters Clark Kent (Reeves) and Lois Lane (Coates) travel to little Silsby, home of the world’s deepest oil well, which drills more than six miles below the surface. Unfortunately, it has drilled a tunnel to the underground home of a race of “mole people”--phosphorescent midgets with hairy backs and big foreheads--who crawl to the surface and run around accidentally frightening humans to death. They may also be radioactive, spurring the hotheaded citizens, led by rabblerousing bigot Luke Benson (Corey), to form a lynch mob to murder the strange creatures. Superman (Reeves in a padded suit) shows up in time to rescue the invaders and teach Silsbee a lesson in tolerance. Welcome exterior filming and a sturdy performance by the reliable Reeves helps this minor SF number go down easily. Coates is the best screen Lois Lane, no simp like the version played by Noel Neill in the series’ color episodes, and perhaps even sexier than Teri Hatcher. Also with Margia Dean, Stanley Andrews, Walter Reed and Billy Curtis. Harry Thomas’ special mole man makeup is unconvincing.

SUPERMAN REDEEMED (2007)—Directed by Richard Lester and Sidney J. Furie. Re-Edited by ADigitalMan. Stars Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Margot Kidder, Annette O’Toole, Jon Cryer, Jackie Cooper, Gavan O’Herlihy, William Hootkins, Mark Pillow, Marc McClure. SUPERMAN REDEEMED is a superbly realized fan re-edit using the best material from SUPERMAN III and SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE, as well as a bit of SUPERMAN II footage to tie the story together. Someone monikered ADigitalMan produced it using his personal DVDs of the original films. All of Lester’s slapstick comedy is gone. Richard Pryor, Robert Vaughn, Pamela Stephenson, Annie Ross, Sam Wanamaker and Mariel Hemingway are also nowhere to be seen. The result is better than both of the films that spawned it, as well as the recent SUPERMAN RETURNS.

Clark Kent (Reeve) returns to his hometown of Smallville for his high school reunion, where he rekindles an old flame with Lana Lang (O’Toole). His attempts at romance are consistently interrupted, however, by escaped con Lex Luthor (Hackman), who creates a nuclear-powered supervillian that draws energy directly from the sun, providing it (the character isn’t called Nuclear Man in this version) with enough power to provide Superman (also Reeve, of course) with a solid matchup. A scratch from the creature’s nuclear fingernails drives Superman temporarily evil, during which time he straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa and drunkenly destroys a Metropolis bar by flicking peanuts at the wall.

Most of Cannon’s abysmal visual effects from SUPERMAN IV still remain, but thankfully, among other things, Cryer’s excruciating performance as Luthor’s zonked-out nephew (!) Lenny is cut way down, along with most of the other stuff you hated so much about the original films. The chemical plant fire, Superman’s rescue of Lois Lane (Kidder) at the Eiffel Tower, the destruction of Earth’s nuclear weapons and Evil Superman’s fight with Good Clark at an auto wrecking yard are among the setpieces included. Obviously, some of REDEEMED’s transitions are a bit rough, but the use of John Williams’ original SUPERMAN music respotted by ADigitalMan helps to cover them. Ned Beatty and Valerie Perrine appear briefly in a scene shot by Richard Donner, but cut from SUPERMAN II.

SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)—Directed by Bryan Singer. Stars Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, Frank Langella, Sam Huntington, Parker Posey. Boy, Bryan Singer sure hates Superman, doesn’t he? He makes the World’s Greatest Superhero a sniveling milquetoast who takes a beatdown from a 50-year-old baldie and his pool-hall minions and a selfish narcissist who split at a moment‘s notice to…I dunno, find himself…without even telling his widowed mom where he was going. Singer also turns Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane into an airhead who somehow won a Pulitzer, despite thinking the word “catastrophe” has an “f” in it, and a skank who had sexual relationships with two men simultaneously, became pregnant by one, and allowed the other to believe the baby was his.

I actually kinda liked SUPERMAN RETURNS for much of the first half. The opening titles are fun, and Brandon Routh’s performance as Clark Kent/Superman, while not one iota more than an unabashed Christopher Reeve impression, is in the right spirit. I loved the airplane rescue (once I decided to ignore the idiotic science involved), and Superman’s reassurance of the passengers that air travel is still the safest way to go was pure Reeve. Frank Langella is a good Perry White, and Sam Huntington is a perfectly rendered Jimmy Olsen. I also dug the nice bit parts given to THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN TV vets Noel Neill and Jack Larson (who wears a bow tie!). Kevin Spacey did a better job as Lex Luthor than I had expected going in, although I’ll go on a limb and say that John Shea on the LOIS & CLARK series is still my all-time favorite film Luthor.

This movie is easily a half-hour too long (how many endings does it have? About five?), and the script is pure garbage. The whole story springs from the premise that Superman left Earth for five years to go visit a planet that no longer exists. For some reason, he was in such a big hurry, even though Krypton had been destroyed for 10,000 years (or whatever), that he gave no notice or reason for his exit, not even to Lois or his poor lonely mama, nor did he bother to put a lock on his Fortress of Solitude, practically daring Luthor to come steal the secrets of the universe. He apparently built a spaceship; to paraphrase Captain Kirk, what does Superman need with a spaceship? And what did he do for five years? What did he find? What did he learn? We are never really told, even though I bet there’s a great movie in it.

Presumably, Clark Kent left Metropolis unexpectedly on the same day Superman did, and we know that both returned to Metropolis on the same day. Gee, what a coincidence. I have no problem accepting the secret identity thing, which goes far beyond the use of spectacles (as good comic book fans know, Clark also wears his hair differently and slouches to appear inches shorter and, of course, his “meek” personality), but, really, this point is too much to swallow.

Luthor’s plan is idiotic. He could have at least created his ugly, rocky, Kryptonite-beached new land mass near the equator where it would be warm. The plot makes no sense, and while Luthor might be a megalomaniac, he ain’t crazy and he sure ain’t dumb.

Wow. Singer thinks he's the first person to ever link Superman and Christ. And to prove his genius, he pounds the point out every ten minutes. I'm really sure that when Superman is alone, he's floating around with his arms outstretched like Jesus on the cross. It's the most comfortable way to fly.

I think the movie is too violent in its beatings of Lois and Superman. I think the movie destroys the Superman character in its beating of Superman. Even without his powers, he ain’t a pushover. He’s big and strong and would at least fight back. You’re telling me Superman would lay there and take a beating--by guys who aren’t exactly ninjas--without throwing even one punch, no matter how Kryptonite-weakened he was? B.S. Superman doesn’t give up. This scene, in tandem with Langella throwing away “the American way,” shows me that Singer and his writers must loathe the Superman character, although they sure do like SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I’m surprised Routh didn’t wink at the camera at the end, although that’s a tuff move to pull off. The audience really has to like Superman, and I’m not sure Routh earned it the way Reeve did.

Dedicating the film to Christopher and Dana Reeve was a classy move, as was the credit to Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel. Also with James Marsden, Eva Marie Saint, Kal Penn, James Karen, Peta Wilson and—believe it or not—Marlon Brando in unused footage from SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. John Ottman’s score pinches quite a bit from John Williams. SUPERMAN RETURNS was not considered a domestic box-office success, barely reaching $200 million (the film cost at least $250 million to make), but you can still expect a sequel.

SUPERNOVA (2000)—Directed by Walter Hill. Stars James Spader, Angela Bassett, Lou Diamond Phillips, Peter Facinelli, Robin Tunney, Robert Forster, Wilson Cruz. MGM tossed this troubled space opera into theaters in January 2000 with no advance critic screenings. Filmed during the summer of ’98, director Hill (who replaced Geoffrey Wright during pre-production) walked off the picture after too much studio interference. Reshoots by Jack Sholder (THE HIDDEN) and post-production tampering by Francis Ford Coppola (!) did nothing to make SUPERNOVA a better picture, judging from the theatrical cut. I’d be curious to see Hill’s original version. The 90-minute PG-13 cut went to theaters with the pseudonymous “Thomas Lee” listed as director.

The crew of a medical rescue spaceship, including captain Forster, recovering druggie co-pilot Spader and chief doctor Bassett, receive a distress call from an abandoned mining facility located on a rogue moon. After some dangerous interdimensional travel, the ship discovers a lone survivor, Kurt (Facinelli), who comes aboard carrying an oddly glowing artifact of some sort. No one can figure out what it is or what it does, but it eventually bestows strange powers upon Kurt, who presents a danger to the ship and all aboard her.

What SUPERNOVA basically is, when it comes down to it, is a bloodless slasher flick that wants to look and feel like ALIEN (of which Hill was a producer), but offers up no suspense and a plot poked all over with holes. By the time you’ve asked yourself why a rescue ship only has enough interdimensional travel pods for its crew or why it has spear guns (!) on board, you’re ready to throw in the towel. Facinelli is a bore of a villain, though the other cast members try to make something of their underwritten roles. A buffed-up Spader is heroic enough, though SUPERNOVA doesn’t make the best use of his unique talents. The visual effects are nice.

SUPERSONIC MAN (1979)--Directed by Juan Piquer Simon. Stars Cameron Mitchell, Michael Coby. All you need to create a laughable superhero movie are a lame-looking costume, a recognizable American star to ham it up as the megalomaniac supervillain, a terrible yet oddly compelling synthesizer score and plenty of stolen elements from SUPERMAN, STAR WARS and MOONRAKER. Add a hero with a cheesy mustache, a cheap-looking robot from a Mascot serial and lots of exploding miniatures, and you have this Spanish adventure from the director of PIECES.

Supersonic ("Coby" aka Antonio Cantafora) is awakened from suspended animation aboard a spacecraft and sent to Earth to battle evil in the form of insidious Dr. Gulik (Mitchell). Gulik, who operates from within a mountainous island retreat populated by dozens of extras in colored jumpsuits and equipment that resembles the boiler room of a large university and speaks with flowery dialogue that sounds as if it was swiped from a Roy Thomas-penned AVENGERS comic book, is organizing a series of thefts of radioactive materials and kidnaps a kindly scientist to force into aiding Gulik's plan to conquer the world. Supersonic, who has taken a secret identity as a private detective named "Paul", rescues the scientist's lovely daughter Patricia from Gulik's goons by lifting an obviously fake wooden cutout of a steamroller into their path and sending their car exploding off a cliff. Because Paul changes identities Captain Marvel-style by rubbing his wristwatch and reciting, "May the great force of the galaxy be with me," (for some reason, his porn 'stache disappears when he's in Supersonic mode), Patricia never realizes that the two are the same.

As inept and crazy as SUPERSONIC MAN may be, it isn't boring. When Simon isn't dazzling us with cheap visual effects of Supersonic burrowing through rock, flying through outer space (with wind blowing his cape!), deflecting bullets, turning his opponents' guns into bananas (!) or fighting the world's slowest robot (albeit one equipped with a flamethrower), we're seeing Mitchell (whose name is misspelled in the SUPERMAN-style opening titles) pontificate about power blah blah conquest blah blah you will join my ranks or die blah blah...you get the picture. It's too bad Mitchell didn't dub his own voice, although it's hard to believe he could have been any funnier than the classy fop who did. SUPERSONIC MAN is almost as fun as the Italian superhero romps of the 1960's like THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN, and that's saying a lot. Also with Diana Polakov, Frank Brana and Richard Yesteran. Filmed in Madrid with second-unit work in New York City.

SUPERSTITION (1982)—Directed by James Roberson. Stars James Houghton, Albert Salmi, Jacquelyn Hyde, Lynn Carlin, Larry Pennell. Horror fans may want to check out this sorta-slasher flick. It’s pretty dumb, but it boasts a spectacular body count and fairly gory murders. The Leahy family—alcoholic clergyman George (Pennell), his wife (Carlin), a young son and two stacked teen daughters—move into a haunted house owned by the Baptist church, where David Thompson (Houghton) is the new reverend. Almost everyone who enters the house suffers an exhilarating death; a kid’s decapitated head is microwaved, his buddy is sliced in two by a window pane, a saw blade rips through a man’s chest. The old woman (Hyde) next door seems to know what’s going on, but she ain’t saying, leaving David to do the research himself and battle the evil spirit using an old cross (last seen buried in Victor Buono’s chest at the conclusion of producer Ed Carlin’s earlier THE EVIL). Old pro Salmi helps keep the story together as the local cop in charge, though he can’t really get a handle on the meandering story either. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the juicy kills and the occasional scare. Writer Donald Thompson went on to script Chuck Norris movies. Also with Heidi Bohay (HOTEL), Robert Symonds, Stacy Keach Sr., Maylo McCaslin, Billy Jacoby and John Alderman.

SUPERVAN (1977)--Directed by Lamar Card. Stars Mark Schneider, Katie Saylor, Morgan Woodward, Tom Kindle. Could play on a double bill with the better THE VAN, in that both are light comedies that capture the laidback customized-van craze of the 1970’s. Groovy Clint Morgan (Schneider) rescues pretty Karen (Saylor) from rapist bikers, but gets his van mangled in the process. No sweat, he just borrows Supervan from his buddy Boseley (Kindle), an MIT genius who built the solar-powered marvel in his spare time during his job working for oil magnate Trenton (Woodward). Clint was on his way to enter a custom van contest with a $5000 grand prize, and is now a cinch to win with the laser beam-shooting (!) Supervan. Unfortunately, Trenton fears the loss of profits once word of a solar-powered van gets out, and dispatches his goons to stop Clint from entering the contest. And, oh, yes, Karen is Trenton’s daughter. There’s a lotta cool vans, some soft rock, a wet T-shirt contest, and renowned car customizer George Barris, but SUPERVAN is ultimately dated and not in an interesting way.

SUPERVIXENS (1975)--Directed by Russ Meyer. Stars Shari Eubank, Charles Napier, Charles Pitts, Uschi Digard. One of Meyer's best, this action-packed romp features some enormously top-heavy women and some crisp photography and editing. Pitts finds himself on the run after being framed for the murder of his beautiful but bitchy wife Angel (Eubank). The killing (viciously staged by Meyer, it's very unpleasant to watch and drastically out-of-step with the tone of the movie) was actually committed by the town sheriff, Harry Sledge (Napier). After a series of misadventures and sexual liaisons with a variety of big-breasted women, Pitts meets up with Superangel (Eubank again), who runs a diner/gas station in the desert. They fall in love, just as Pitts meets up with Sledge, who's been following him across the country.

The plot makes little sense (it isn't supposed to); it's just a clothesline on which to hang a series of comic interludes, softcore sex scenes and sharp action scenes. Meyer's women--including Eubank, Sharon Kelly, Christy Hartburg and Meyer regulars Haji and Digard--are gorgeous, possess the required bust size, and, while they aren't all talented actresses, they possess a certain sexuality and sense of fun Meyer's films require.

It's a shame Shari Eubank didn't appear in more films; the native of Farmer City, Illinois shows more than a little acting ability, and with her sexy brown eyes, girl-next-door beauty and terrific body, one gets the idea she could have broken into mainstream acting with the right breaks. Napier certainly did; he appeared in a few Russ Meyer films (including CHERRY, HARRY & RAQUEL) before becoming a familiar character actor in THE BLUES BROTHERS, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and other multiplex favorites, as well as a number of TV roles. Meyer served as the film's writer, director, cinematographer, editor and producer. Also with Henry Rowland, Stuart Lancaster and John LaZar (Z-Man from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS!).

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL GUNFIGHTER! (1971)--Directed by Burt Kennedy. Stars James Garner, Suzanne Pleshette, Harry Morgan, Jack Elam. Only someone with Garner's amiable charm could get away with remaking his own film from just two years before. It's still funny the second time around. Chuck Connors has a hilarious cameo as a ruthless, bald assassin.

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF! (1969)--Directed by Burt Kennedy. Stars James Garner, Joan Hackett, Harry Morgan, Walter Brennan, Bruce Dern, Jack Elam. Terrific Western parody starring Garner in a role tailored to his familiar Maverick/Rockford persona. He's a pacifist drifter on his way to Australia (!) who is talked into becoming the sheriff of a mining town. Garner makes the town drunk (Elam) his deputy, and, in a satirical nod to RIO BRAVO, Brennan plays the town's ruthless patriarch who will stop at nothing to get outlaw son Dern out of Garner's jail. Clever finale.

SUPREME SANCTION (1999)--Directed by John Terlesky. Stars Michael Madsen, Kristy Swanson, David Dukes. Standard shoot-em-up fare was the directorial debut of former actor Terlesky (DEATHSTALKER II), and, despite a glossy look and an entertainingly twitchy performance by Madsen, is nothing you haven't seen many times before. After a beautiful blonde assassin (a miscast Swanson) fails to complete her mission to knock off nosy TV reporter Dukes, both find themselves on the run from sinister government spooks led by Dalton (Madsen). Filled with enough gunfire, chases and broken glass to keep unassuming action fans eyes open, I guess, although Swanson (who has perhaps never been more beautiful onscreen) is never convincingly tough--whenever she curses, she comes across as a spoiled sorority girl trying to rebel against her parents--and Terlesky's script just bounces from Point A to Point B without any clever twists or dialogue. Ron Perlman has a couple of scenes as Madsen's boss, and the cast also includes Donald Adeosun and Tiny Lister Jr. Music by Joseph Stanley Williams, who also scored Terlesky's next film, JUDGMENT DAY.

THE SURE THING (1985)--Directed by Rob Reiner. Stars John Cusack, Daphne Zuniga, Boyd Gaines, Viveca Lindfors, Nicolette Sheridan. College student Cusack is invited to spend Christmas vacation with his pal in California, where he is promised a passionate night with a "sure thing", a gorgeous blond surfer girl played by KNOTS LANDING's Sheridan. Cusack finds himself traveling cross-country with prissy Zuniga, who takes an instant disliking to the extroverted (obnoxious?) Cusack. Of course, they eventually fall in love. Not your usual teenage comedy, this was a surprise hit, and led to bigger things for director Reiner. Look for Anthony Edwards as Cusack's California buddy ("I'm talkin' cordless!) and Tim Robbins as "Gary Cooper".

SURFACE TO AIR (1997)--Directed by Rodney McDonald. Stars Michael Madsen, Chad McQueen, Melanie Shatner. A decent blending of actual military footage of aircraft carriers and fighter jets with new action scenes filmed at Vasquez Rocks. Madsen and McQueen are half-brothers who don't get along and haven't even spoken in a decade. Madsen, a gunnery sergeant in the Marines, and McQueen, a hotshot Navy pilot, are assigned to the same carrier. When Chad and his partner (Shatner) are shot down in the Iraqi desert, Madsen assembles his assault team for a rescue mission. SURFACE TO AIR doesn't particularly stand out in any way, but it's professional and slick, and hardware enthusiasts will probably have a blast with all the close-up footage of dogfighting jets taking off and landing on the carrier. Madsen appears to be barely trying, but that's hardly unusual for him. Also with Beau Billingslea, Teri Thompson, Larry Thomas (the "Soup Nazi") and Herb Mitchell. Music by the Wurst brothers. From the director of SONIC IMPACT.

THE SURROGATE (1984)—Directed by Don Carmody. Stars Art Hindle, Shannon Tweed, Carole Laure, Michael Ironside, Jim Bailey. Noted Canadian writer/producer Carmody (THE HITMAN) directed only one film in his career, this ripe mystery that plays like an over-the-top SCTV sketch. Hindle is a Porsche salesman who’s surprisingly tense and pissed off, considering he’s married to a horny Shannon Tweed (“I’m ready and willing, whenever you’re able,” she sneers to her impotent hubby during dinner). His shrink advises the couple to bring a sex surrogate into their relationship. Shannon, who alternates between hot to trot and frigid, depending upon where the plot needs to go, is repulsed by the idea, even after the sexy Anouk (Laure) has her close to orgasm just by stroking her neck.

Meanwhile, Ironside, playing a cop, pops up about every twenty minutes (you could almost set your watch by him) to remind us that a serial killer is slashing men and leaving them in alleys all over the city. Nearly every character is a red herring, including Hindle (who suffers from periodic blackouts), Laure (who attacks Shannon and binds her, but is it another sexual fantasy?) and noted female impersonator Bailey, who plays Shannon’s waxen cross-dressing best friend.

An erotic thriller before there was such a thing, THE SURROGATE is entertaining enough, as long as you don’t expect the story to make much sense. Tweed has a couple of nude scenes, spicing up the “erotic” part of the film, though the killings mainly occur off-screen. Perhaps Carmody was trying for a classier production than a slasher movie. I’m not sure he succeeded. Also with Gary Reineke, Marilyn Lightstone and Jonathan Welsh. Music by Daniel Lenois. Carmody, whose Canadian producing credits include PORKY’S and SPACEHUNTER, is now a major Hollywood player on films like LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN and ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13.

SURVIVAL QUEST (1989)--Directed by Don Coscarelli. Stars Lance Henriksen, Dermot Mulroney, Mark Rolston. DELIVERANCE meets THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME when a group of city slickers taking a month-long wilderness course (taught by taciturn nature-lover Henriksen) are attacked by armed survivalists. Coscarelli is better known for THE BEASTMASTER, BUBBA HO-TEP and the PHANTASM series, but here he proves he can function in a more realistic setting. It takes awhile for the action to get started, but the locations and performances should be enough to keep you interested until then. The outdoor scenery is beautiful, and the large supporting cast manages to add dimension to their roles without a lot of backstory or screen time. One of the protagonists is played by Catherine Keener, long before CAPOTE and THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN. Also with Ben Hammer, Traci Lin, Paul Provenza, Steve Antin, Brooke Bundy and Reggie Bannister, of course.

SURVIVAL RUN (1979)—Directed by Larry Spiegel. Stars Peter Graves, Ray Milland, Vincent Van Patten. Six mellow teenagers go on a camping trip, but have to continue on foot when they crash their van. They stumble across a gang of drug dealers, hanging around the desert waiting for their connection to arrive. Smooth Kandaris (Graves) and cantankerous old Professor (Milland) manage to fool the kids for awhile, but the cat is let out of the bag when two of their greasy-looking henchmen gangrape the drunk girl in hot pants and stab her boyfriend to death. Now, it’s THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME with the kids on foot being pursued by motorcycles and a truck. It’s nothing to get excited about, but Graves’ blank charm effectively masks the ruthlessness he allows in the second half. Much of the action is quite implausible, especially the amount of physical punishment these kids take. Though not as hard to believe as the sexy teen who has a crush on mean old Milland. Also with Cosie Costa, Susan Pratt, Robby Weaver, Mariana Lobo and Anthony Charnota.

SURVIVING THE GAME (1994)--Directed by Ernest Dickerson. Stars Ice-T, Rutger Hauer, Gary Busey, Charles S. Dutton, F. Murray Abraham. Yep, it's another uncredited remake of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. This blaxploitation spin stars rapper Ice-T as a homeless man recruited by wealthy hunter Hauer to be a guide for an upcoming expedition into the Washington forest. Ice's need for cash and threads outweighs any suspicions over why Hauer would hire on a homeless guy with no experience in the wilderness, so off they fly into the Pacific Northwest outback, where they are joined by a coterie of incredible cult-movie character actors. After an evening of macho banter and meat-eating, Ice is awakened at dawn with a gun in his face and, armed with nothing more than his dreadlocks and cigarettes, ordered to run into the forest, where the rest of the party, astride ATVs, will pursue him in a chase to the death. The reason Richard Connell's original story has been ripped off so many times is because it's a brilliant one, and Dickerson proves once again that it's nigh impossible to make a bad film from it. Especially armed with so many scenery-chewing performers; Busey's late-night monologue about fighting his pet bulldog to the death is an amazing moment in trash cinema. Also with John C. McGinley, William McNamara, Jeff Corey and Bob Minor. Music by Stewart Copeland.

THE SURVIVORS (1983)--Directed by Michael Ritchie. Stars Robin Williams, Walter Matthau, Jerry Reed. An uneven mixture of black comedy and action. Williams is fired from his job on the same day that Matthau's gas station explodes. They both accidentally witness an armed robbery committed by Reed. To escape Reed's terror, Williams and Matthau hide out in a survivalist camp. Reed is interesting in a different type of role for him. Also with James Wainwright, Annie McEnroe, Kristen Vigard.

SUSPECT (1987)--Directed by Peter Yates. Stars Cher, Dennis Quaid, John Mahoney, Liam Neeson, Joe Mantegna. Cher is ridiculously miscast as a public defender with an absurdly dedicated sense of duty who is handed an open-and-shut case of a deafmute and homeless Vietnam vet (Neeson), kicked out of the Army on a Section 8, accused of a murder in which the victim’s belongings were found in his pocket. Not only does the preliminary evidence point solely to him, but Neeson is also prone to violent outbursts and refuses to cooperate in his defense. What’s a stalwart young lawyer to do but begin an affair with a wiseguy juror (Quaid) who plays amateur sleuth and slips her clues under the sheets?

Eric Roth’s (THE GOOD SHEPHERD) sloppy script receives little help from Yates, who isn’t the director of BULLITT and EYEWITNESS here, piling implausibilities on top of stupidities right up to the ludicrous denouement that would make Perry Mason’s eyes roll. Cher’s character is alternately dim or brilliant, depending on where Roth needs the story to go, and she’s given no energy by the actress, who appears to be well over her head. There’s no explanation for Quaid’s character to become personally immersed in the mystery; it certainly isn’t to impress Cher, with whom he has no romantic chemistry. And who would have thought a Washington, D.C. jail would be completely empty in the middle of the night? Also with Bill Cobbs, Michael Beach, Richard Gant, E. Katherine Kerr, Philip Bosco and Fred Melamed. Music by Michael Kamen.

SUSPECT ZERO (2004)--Directed by E. Elias Merhige. Stars Aaron Eckhart, Ben Kingsley, Carrie-Anne Moss. This obtuse serial-killer thriller was directed in New Mexico by SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE helmer Merhige. It stars Eckhart (THE CORE) as tarnished FBI agent Mackelway, back after six months on suspension for chasing a serial killer into Mexico without proper extradition papers, resulting in the killer's walking on all charges. Sentenced to a desk job in Albuquerque, Mackelway finds himself investigating a murder on his first day, a traveling salesman found strangled in his car with his eyelids cut off and clutching a mysterious symbol, a circle with a slash through it. We know from the first scene that the killer is Benjamin O'Ryan (Kingsley), and the rest of the running time is padded with parallel stories showing us O'Ryan's mad routine, which consists of him furiously drawing caricatures and writing down numbers, and the investigation by Mackelway and his partner Kulok (Moss). Despite the gory crime scenes, Merhige is more interesting in art than exploitation, and the actors all go about their business as dourly as possible. Zak Penn and Billy Ray's screenplay seems deeply influenced by THE X-FILES, not just in its casting and mood, but particularly a sci-fi twist that provides Kingsley's motivation. ZERO is barely more than that, thanks to Kingsley's studied performance and a few interesting camera angles. Music by Clint Mansell.

SUSPIRIA (1977)--Directed by Dario Argento. Stars Jessica Harper, Joan Bennett, Udo Keir, Alida Valli. American Harper travels to Italy to enroll in a ballet school run by Bennett. Three students are brutally murdered soon after, and Harper discovers that the school is run by a coven of witches. Argento has few equals when it comes to visual flair, but the screenplay is very confusing and the dubbing is awful. One girl is killed after falling into a roomful of barbed wire. Loud and obtrusive rock music score by Goblin.

SWAMP COUNTRY (1966)—Directed by Robert Patrick. Stars Baker Knight, Carole Gilbert, Rex Allen, Sue Casey, Lyle Waggoner, David DeLie, Vince Barbi, Marian Patrick. SWAMP COUNTRY was filmed on location in the Okefenokee near Waycross, Georgia and probably never played a theater or drive-in north of the Mason-Dixon. It stars middle-aged country-western singer Rex Allen, who played singing cowboys in a bunch of Republic B-westerns in the 1950s. Strangely, Allen doesn't do any singing in the movie, leaving the many musical interludes to another country star.

Baker Knight, who made music history by writing hit songs like "Lonesome Town" (a hit for Ricky Nelson) and "The Wonder of You" (Elvis took it into the Top Ten), stars as Baker Knight, a slacker with a penchant for singing songs and getting into trouble. He's also dating Nora Cox (Carole Gilbert), who can't decide between the roguish Baker or the straight-arrow town sheriff Jim (Allen). Adding to our fun is the fact that Gilbert is supposedly playing a young woman, but oddly looks older than Sue Casey (THE BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER), the actress playing her alcoholic mom. At one point, Casey tells Allen that he's "old enough to be (Nora's) daddy," although siblings seem more plausible from their appearances.

SWAMP COUNTRY is all over the place during its 93 minutes. The main story concerns Dave Wetzel (David DeLie), a guest at the local motel accused of strangling the hotsy-totsy chick staying in the room next door. Panicky, he overpowers sheriff Mel (Lyle Waggoner, later to star in THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW and WONDER WOMAN)--and, no, I don't know why the town has two sheriffs--and escapes into the swamp. While Jim, Mel and their posse roam through the swamp on Dave's tail, the shiftless Baker finds himself the target of an Italian bootlegger (Vince Barbi, who has either the thickest real accent or the worst fake accent I've ever heard) who wants to cut his fingers off.

Meanwhile, Nora's ten-year-old sister (Marian Patrick) gets lost in the swamp chasing her damn dog, one of the posse is eaten by a bear (!), Dave saves the little girl from a panther attack (!), Baker sings more tunes in his Johnny Cash baritone, and Nora eventually solves the murder using a trick right out of a SCOOBY-DOO episode. No stunt doubling is used during the big fight at the end (or stunt choreography, for that matter).

I liked SWAMP COUNTRY a lot, though I'm not going so far as to call it a good film. It certainly isn't a Hollywood production, which is to its benefit, as the locations, accents and colloquialisms are authentically sweaty and colorful. Not only is it the first film for Waggoner (who screen-tested for Batman the year he shot this), but also for character actor Ted Gehring, whom you've seen in a zillion TV shows over the years.

Knight only appeared in this film, and while he isn't much of an actor, he is a heckuva singer, and it's interesting that his musical success was as a songwriter, rather than as a performer. I love the title song, which plays over a series of POV shots of the mysterious swamp. Michael Terresco's original score is pretty crazy, often just a plink-plank of a guitar that changes in tempo according to the on-screen action.

SWAMP COUNTRY represents something of a lost subgenre of exploitation movie, the Southern fried melodrama, which has nearly fallen extinct, much like the drive-ins that once upon a time played hundreds of them.

SWAMP GIRL (1971)—Directed by Donald A. Davis. Stars Ferlin Husky, Simone Griffeth, Claude King, Harrison Page. Ferlin Husky was a popular country-western singer of the 1950s who made sporadic film appearances, the most notorious likely being HILLBILLYS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE (sic). He only gets to sing one song in SWAMP GIRL, which is a pretty decent theme staged with Ferlin and his guitar perched on a pavilion railing, until he's interrupted by a redneck reporting the case of a snakebite victim who was dropped off by a mysterious, uh, swamp girl.

Rumors flow around the Okefenokee of a beautiful blond swamp girl who lives alone in the wilderness. When the snakebite victim is discovered by a trio of beer-swilling poachers, they believe he was killed by the swamp girl and mean to find her. Good ol' swamp ranger Jimmy (Husky) gets them to hold off while he spends the day tooling around on his airboat looking for her. Which he does...surprisingly easily.

Her backstory is right out of a sleazy paperback novel and is related to the swamp girl (her name is Jeanene) by her "pa"--a black man named Nat (Harrison Page of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and SLEDGE HAMMER!, hiding behind a pseudonym). The shack where Jeanene and Nat live deep in the swamp was once inhabited by a nasty, drunken old doctor who used it to perform illegal abortions. Sometimes, the women were too pregnant for an abortion, so after giving birth, they would leave their babies with the doctor, who sold them into white slavery. Nat, who hid out with the doctor after stealing a pair of jeans, took a liking to little Jeanene and protected her from the doctor. But one day, the lure of easy money overtook the doc, and he tried to sell her to a couple of ne'er-do-wells, who murdered the doc and stole the girl, only to have Nat smack them in the face with a hatchet.

As Jeanene ponders whether to take Jimmy up on his offer to introduce her to civilization, a female escaped convict and her boyfriend hide out in the swamp, blast Nat to death with a shotgun, and force Jeanene to guide them across the state line into Florida. Meanwhile, the convict's parents hire those three rednecks from the beginning of the movie to take them into the swamp, so they can find their girl killer before Jimmy and the sheriff (Claude King) do.

Whew. For a movie that runs only 78 minutes, there's a lot going on in SWAMP GIRL, including death by gator, death by gun, death by quicksand and death by snake. Despite the violence, SWAMP GIRL carries a GP rating card, which sadly means director Donald Davis (whose association with crappy movies goes all the way back to his gofer duties on PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) blows the opportunity to probe the sleazier side of a beautiful blond virgin from the swamps.

Jeanene, by the way, is played by Simone Griffeth, who went on to play David Carradine's romantic lead in DEATH RACE 2000 and several television guest shots. Like most of SWAMP GIRL's cast, Griffeth is a Georgia native and was likely discovered by Davis. None of the acting is particularly good, but the accents and appearances are quite authentic, which goes a long way towards making the melodramatics feel real. Husky certainly isn't a natural actor--counting the number of times he fiddles with his hat would be a great drinking game--but his cornpone demeanor is likable and convincing. I liked his song too.

Davis has trouble stretching to 78 minutes, so he uses lots of shots of people getting on and off their boats or just cruising around. A climactic plot twist by producer/cinematographer/co-writer Jay Kulp is a little much to swallow, but it eats up a few more minutes until Husky can reprise the theme. I ended up liking SWAMP GIRL, which must have been a bear to film. Except for the rustic set representing the doctor's cabin, everything was shot in the Okefenokee, where the gator wranglers likely earned every penny.

SWAMP THING (1982)--Directed by Wes Craven. Stars Louis Jourdan, Adrienne Barbeau, Ray Wise, Dick Durock. Craven wrote and directed this PG comic-book adventure based on the DC character created by Len Wein and Berni Wrightson. Dr. Alec Holland (Wise), a scientist working in the Louisiana bayou on a plant/animal hybrid, is murdered by goons in the employ of mad doctor Arcane (Jourdan), who swipes most of the formula. The remaining notes fall into the possession of U.S. agent Cable (Barbeau), who tries to splash her way through the swamp to safety, but Arcane’s men seem to be everywhere. Her unusual knight in slimy armor: Swamp Thing (stuntman Durock), a plant-man with super-strength and healing powers. The creature is actually Dr. Holland, who was doused with his formula during his murder and transformed. Craven’s plot is light--the movie is basically people running around the swamp shooting at and capturing one another--but it moves at a good clip and has good performances. Barbeau, something of a scream queen at this point in her career after acting in her husband John Carpenter’s movies, is a strong, believable lead and performs a very memorable topless scene (in the uncut international version). Jourdan is silly, but the movie warrants it. I wish the final wrestling match between monsters had more zip to it. Also with Nicholas Worth, David Hess, Don Knight, Nannette Brown and Reggie Batts. Filmed in South Carolina. Harry Manfredini composed the score. A sequel, RETURN OF SWAMP THING, followed, as well as a USA Network TV series, all with Durock as the title character.

SWAMP WOMEN (1956)--Directed by Roger Corman. Stars Mike Connors, Carole Matthews, Beverly Garland, Marie Windsor, Jill Jarmyn. The infamous "Nardo Gang" (consisting of three women) is in prison after a daring diamond heist in which the loot was never recovered. Matthews goes undercover with the gang after a prison break staged by the authorities in order to track down the missing diamonds. The tough-talking gals end up in a Louisiana swamp, where they take stud geologist Connors hostage. Typical Corman B-picture. In color. Future MANNIX star Connors was going by "Touch" Connors at the time.

THE SWARM (1978)--Directed by Irwin Allen. Stars Michael Caine, Katharine Ross, Henry Fonda, Richard Widmark, Bradford Dillman, Richard Chamberlain, Patty Duke Astin, Fred MacMurray, Ben Johnson, Olivia de Havilland. "Everyone! Get inside! The killer bees are coming!" Irwin Allen's $22 million all-star disaster movie is amazing in so many ways. And I mean "amazing" in only one way--bad. Besides the special effects, which sometimes are surprisingly effective, every aspect of this very expensive disaster is laughable, including the sets, costumes (inexplicably nominated for an Oscar!), screenplay and performances by some very familiar names.

Top-billed is Michael Caine, who plays a bee expert named Brad Crane who somehow manages to sneak inside a top-secret Air Force installation (when quizzed upon how, Crane basically says, "I'll tell you later," but he never does) that has been invaded by African killer bees. Despite the fact that there are no dead bees present and none of the human victims exhibit signs of excessive bee stings, we're just to accept that, yes, bees killed them. General Slater (Widmark) and his officious aide Major Baker (Dillman) don't believe Crane either, but after they're overruled by no higher authority than the President and ordered to give Crane limitless power to do what he deems necessary, they reluctantly go along with him. After assembling a crack staff of bee experts including folksy Dr. Krim (Fonda), bitchy Dr. Hubbard (Chamberlain, who pretty much played this guy in Allen's THE TOWERING INFERNO) and love interest Dr. Helena Anderson (Ross), Crane strings together a series of bee traps and countermeasures that don't work, surely an example of one of cinema's most inept action protagonists. It's only after Houston, Texas has nearly burned to the ground and most of the cast is dead that Crane finally stumbles upon the right method through a clue that was under his nose the entire time.

In the venerable Allen tradition, precious running time is eaten up by various ludicrous subplots, including a pregnant waitress (Astin) who gives birth during a bee attack and a weary romantic triangle involving sappy senior citizens MacMurray, Johnson and de Havilland (who had just been in AIRPORT '77). There's no room to list all of THE SWARM's hilarious moments, but a few would be Widmark's ordering roadblocks to stop the bees (do bees drive?), a plan to kill literally millions of bees by having six guys in flamethrowers walk around the city torching buildings (which might work if bees only flew seven feet off the ground), and the tendency of bee victims to have the same sweaty hallucination: a giant bee hovering and buzzing in front of them! I wish I could have been on the set the day Caine had to "talk down" a bee sighting the way he might an acid tripper with, "There's no bee there. I promise you. It's all right. There's no bee there."

Perhaps my favorite aspect of THE SWARM is its completely loony Academy Award nomination for, of all things, Outstanding Costume Design, which is demonstrated by an array of military uniforms, drab turtlenecks and completely ordinary polyester threads. Considering the immense acting talent on display here (you might consider adding up the Oscar nominations of all the cast members), it's surprising that nobody delivers a good performance, even though Sterling Silliphant's script doesn't give anyone decent lines or a competent character to play. The many visual effects, especially the miniatures, hold up today and Jerry Goldsmith's score is lively, but every other department is abysmal at best. That said, THE SWARM is one of the funniest motion pictures ever made, and, even at a padded 155 minutes (the length of Warner Brothers' current DVD), it's hard to imagine anybody watching it with a completely straight face. Just remember, "I never dreamed it would turn out to be the bees (who destroyed us). They've always been our friends." Also with Jose Ferrer, Lee Grant, Cameron Mitchell, Slim Pickens, Alejandro Rey, Don "Red" Barry and Frank Blair. THE SWARM was originally released at 116 minutes. BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE was next for Allen.

S.W.A.T. (2003)--Directed by Clark Johnson. Stars Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, LL Cool J, Michelle Rodriguez, Josh Charles, Olivier Martinez, Brian Van Holt. Too-cool-for-school Jackson takes over for stolid Steve Forrest as Lt. Dan "Hondo" Harrelson in this feature remake of the '70s TV series. In the hands of television director Johnson (also an actor best known as Detective Meldrick Lewis on NBC's HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET), S.W.A.T. is nothing special, but solid enough cops-and-robbers entertainment, despite its ludicrous plot.

In Los Angeles, even the cops call 911, and when they do, it's the L.A.P.D.'s Special Weapons and Tactics squad that answers the call. Headed by Harrelson, this elite unit consists of hotshot recruit Jim Street (Farrell), feisty Sanchez (Rodriguez), homeboy Deke (LL Cool J, who's also billed under his real name of James Todd Smith), party boy T.J. (Charles) and Boxer (Van Holt), the protective brother of Street's ex-girlfriend. They need all of their training when they're assigned to transport a prisoner from L.A. County lockup to a federal prison outside the city limits. The prisoner is a French mobster named Alex Montel (Martinez), who offers the Los Angeles television audience a $100 million reward to whomever rescues him from S.W.A.T.'s clutches, leading to a series of gunfights, betrayals and sieges.

The screenplay by David Ayer (whose TRAINING DAY and DARK BLUE make him the go-to guy for L.A. cop dramas) and David McKenna (GET CARTER) offers little novelty or substance, but the charismatic cast and steady hand of director Johnson (whose TV credits include THE SHIELD and NYPD BLUE) help create the jocular atmosphere a macho movie like this one needs. Jackson is a natural leader on film, and his swaggering presence blends well with Farrell's dark intensity. Look out for a late-in-the-game plot twist, a forced revelation more apropos to the formulaic weekly television grind. Elliot Goldenthal weaves Barry DeVorzon's classic theme (a #1 hit for Rhythm Heritage in 1976) into his otherwise satisfactory score, punctuated occasionally by obtrusive rock songs. Also with DTV stalwart Larry Poindexter, Jeremy Renner, Reginald Cathey, Denis Arndt, Jay Acovone and Shannon Sturges. Not only does Johnson make an appearance, but also his former HOMICIDE partner Reed Diamond and his co-star on the Canadian series NIGHT HEAT, Jeff Wincott. Look for original S.W.A.T. stars Steve Forrest and Rod Perry in cameos.

SWEATER GIRLS (1978)—Directed by Donald M. Jones. Stars Harry Moses, Meegan King, Kate Sarchet, Noelle North, Michael Goodrow, Tamara Barkley. Set during the 1950s for no particular reason, this R-rated youth comedy is barely remembered today only for DALLAS starlet Charlene Tilton’s last-reel turn as a stunningly curvy blonde in tight white shorts. A bunch of high school dudes get drunk and try to screw some chicks, who decide to form a chastity club with matching sweaters as its uniform. The girls invite even the school slut to join (she makes it with the school nerd). Neither humorous nor interesting, SWEATER GIRLS deserves its obscurity. Jones’ next feature was THE FOREST, a slasher film that also isn’t very good.

SWEENEY! (1977)--Directed by David Wickes. Stars John Thaw, Dennis Waterman, Ian Bannen, Barry Foster. Never released in the United States, SWEENEY! is a violent, gritty crime drama based upon a very successful British television series. Scotland Yard inspectors Regan (Thaw) and Carter (Waterman) are hard-drinking, womanizing detectives attached to a major crimes unit called the Flying Squad. Using peculiar Cockney rhyming slang, "Flying Squad" translates to "Sweeney Todd", thus the Squad's nickname of "The Sweeney". In the first of two SWEENEY films, Regan looks into the apparent suicide of a call girl, and discovers political corruption of the highest order. The woman was the mistress of a prominent English cabinet member (played by Bannen), and her death was orchestrated by his press secretary (Foster) in order to control him. Regan discovers how tough it is to fight City Hall when he is framed on a drunk-driving charge and forced to surrender his badge...not that his lack of official status stops his stubborn pursuit of the truth. Thaw (who looks at least a decade older than the 35 he was at the time) is a riveting performer, who also found later TV fame as Inspector Morse. SWEENEY!'s cynical tone and relentless brutality are well-suited to the time period, and make me curious to sample episodes of the TV series. Also with Diane Keen (who appears topless), Colin Welland and Joe Melia. Music by Denis King. SWEENEY 2 came a year later.

SWEENEY 2 (1978)--Directed by Tom Clegg. Stars John Thaw, Dennis Waterman, Denholm Elliott. D.I. Regan (Thaw) and D.S. Carter (Waterman) of Scotland Yard's Flying Squad are back in action in this sequel to the previous year's SWEENEY! and the acclaimed '70s TV series THE SWEENEY. Regan is convinced by his former boss Jupp (Elliott), a corrupt cop headed for prison, to investigate a series of violent bank robberies in which the masked crooks hit only on the final Friday of the month and always leave several thousand quid behind in their getaway car. Just as dark and violent as the first film, with an excellent performance by Thaw and plenty of black humor to punctuate the action. Tony Hatch provided the score. The screenplay is by Troy Kennedy Martin, who also penned KELLY'S HEROES and THE ITALIAN JOB.

THE SWEEPER (1995)--Directed by Joseph Merhi. Stars C. Thomas Howell, Jeff Fahey, Ed Lauter, Kristen Dalton. Fifteen years after seeing his cop father (associate producer Fahey in a prologue cameo), mother and sister murdered at home, Mark Goddard (Howell) grows up to be a maverick undercover cop, obsessed with busting bad guys no matter how many rules--and heads--he has to break. After recording his ninth on-the-job kill, Goddard is recruited by hardass agent Lauter for a secret squad of government assassins who go after criminals the law can't or won't touch. Finding himself teamed with an alluring female agent (Dalton), Goddard soon discovers that his new employers may not be as pro-law and order as they advertised and that he may be next on their hit list.

Directed by company president Merhi, THE SWEEPER is one of PM Entertainment's more entertaining actioners, and might have been even better if writers Karen McCoy and William Applegate Jr. had bothered to create a story. Told mostly as a series of subplots and action sequences, the script creates an interesting confrontation between the young Goddard and his father's killer, but never follows through on it. The death squad's motivations seem pretty shaky, although not enough to initially raise Howell's suspicions until it's too late.

But what am I yammering on about? This is a PM movie, and as such, it fulfills its obligations in the stunt department quite nicely. From its gravity-defying opening car chase on a crowded pier to a jaw-dropping freeway chase involving more exploding vehicles than a fire in a Pinto factory, THE SWEEPER delivers enough shattered glass, screeching tires, car jumps, shootouts and more to keep even the most jaded action fan's attention, pausing just long enough to show off Dalton's delicious bod. Howell is miscast as a tough guy, but Fahey and Lauter provide able support. Also with Felton Perry (MAGNUM FORCE), Cynda Williams and Janet Gunn. Howell later directed two features for PM. Fahey also acted several times for the company, including EPICENTER and THE UNDERGROUND.

SWEEPERS (1999)--Directed by Darby Black. Stars Dolph Lundgren, Claire Stansfield, Bruce Payne. Dolph is a professional minesweeper named Christian Erickson in this Nu Image action movie filmed in South Africa. He's a drunken wreck following the accidental death of his son in a mine field. His shot at redemption comes in the va-voom form of Michelle (Stansfield), a U.S. government operative who needs his help to retrieve an experimental landmine, the A-6 Butterfly, that has the ability to track its target. What appears at times to be a thoughtful treatise against the use of mines in wartorn Angola eventually disintegrates into another standard DTV action movie, including the non-twist of making the hero's best pal (Payne) the villain. Production values are surprisingly high, as are Lundgren and Stansfield's levels of performance, but Payne is walking through another heavy role. Serge Colbert put some thought into his African-tinged score.

SWEET HOSTAGE (1975)--Directed by Lee Philips. Stars Martin Sheen, Linda Blair. Made-for-TV drama about an ignorant farm girl (Blair) and the escaped mental patient (Sheen) who kidnaps her. They fall in love. Script by Edward Hume (THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO) is based on Nathaniel Bentley's novel WELCOME TO XANADU. Filmed in New Mexico.

SWEET LIBERTY (1986)--Directed by Alan Alda. Stars Alan Alda, Michael Caine, Michelle Pfeiffer, Bob Hoskins, Saul Rubinek, Lillian Gish. New England college professor Alda's esoteric Revolutionary War novel has been adapted into a motion picture to be shot on Alda's campus. Hack director Rubinek and screenwriter Hoskins have "reworked" the material a bit to make it more "accessible" to the filmgoing audience. While battling with the filmmakers, Alda also becomes friendly with eccentric leading man Caine and beautiful leading lady Pfeiffer. Alda, who also wrote the script, has a good satiric touch here, and an excellent supporting cast helps him out. Probably Alda's best film.

SWEET REVENGE (1987)—Directed by Mark Sobel. Stars Ted Shackelford, Nancy Allen, Martin Landau, Gina Gershon, Sal Landi. Just as Griffith Park and Bronson Caverns are no substitute for “the Far East,” KNOTS LANDING’s Shackelford, who played the wimpy, crying Ewing brother on the CBS soap, is no Harrison Ford in this cheap adventure. Landau (surprisingly not in the worst film of his career) is Thailand-based white slaver Cicero, who nabs four American women, including Jillian Gray (Allen), who happens to be doing (badly) a TV expose of the Asian sex industry. You would think the authorities would put two and two together when Jillian turns up missing, but regular law enforcement is completely absent from this movie. During an auction in which they are the items up for bid, the women escape from Cicero’s compound, along with wisecracking adventurer Boone (Shackelford), whose bootleg perfume business regularly runs afoul of Cicero’s top gunman Gil (Landi).

Much shooting and increasingly preposterous action ensues, as the dippy chicks transform magically into Ramboettes overnight with machine-gun skills that would rival those of the most experienced mercenary. Very brief for its period (78 minutes), even for a Roger Corman pickup, SWEET REVENGE is forgettable, but worth a view to see BOUND’s Gershon in a central role as a streetwise chick who goes topless during a jungle swim. Mostly shot in Thailand, though the prologue (which may have been part of a Corman-dictated reshoot) is familiar Southern California. Ernest Troost’s score is surprisingly rich and must have cost Corman (or credited producers Brad Krevoy and Steven Stabler) a fair chunk of the budget. Also with Michele Little, Stacey Adams, Lotis Key and Jim Beaver, who gets a credit for “additional dialogue.” Shackelford never again starred in a feature.

SWEET SIXTEEN (1983)—Directed by Jim Sotos. Stars Aleisa Shirley, Bo Hopkins, Susan Strasberg, Patrick Macnee, Dana Kimmell, Steve Antin, Don Shanks, Henry Wilcoxon. Sotos somehow managed to snare a top cast for this Texas-set thriller, which was likely marketed as a slasher movie, even though it isn’t. It also isn’t as sleazy as its opening scene—a nude shower scene featuring 15-year-old Melissa (Shirley)—suggests.

Bad new girl in school Melissa smokes pot, gets high, and teases all the boys in town. Two of them are slaughtered by a knife-wielding maniac, and Melissa was the last to be seen with both boys. Strangely, sheriff Hopkins never suspects her. Suspicion initially falls upon an elderly Indian (character legend Wilcoxon), who is lynched by rednecks, and then the old man’s grandson Jason (Shanks), who works for Melissa’s archeologist father (Macnee).

The script is all over the place and doesn’t follow through on Kimmell’s promising character: the sheriff’s daughter who loves crime novels and tries to help Hopkins solves the murders. Instead of horror, Sotos makes the movie a mystery that leads to an effective if confusing twist ending; Hopkins pulls a Simon Oakland and ad-libs his way through a post-script explanation of the whodunit.

With Don Stroud, Michael Pataki, Larry Storch, Sharon Farrell and Susan Strasberg as Melissa’s mother, Sotos always has someone interesting on screen to provide a suitable red herring. Hopkins, who played a million small-town cops, goodnaturedly mumbles his way through this sleeper, which works well enough to appreciate Code Red’s DVD. Beware the DVD commentary though, which might have been recorded underwater. From the director of HOT MOVES, also available on a Code Red DVD.

SWEET SUGAR (1972)--Directed by Michel Levesque. Stars Phyllis Davis, Cliff Osmond, Ella Edwards, Angus Duncan. "Her machete isn't her only weapon!" Sugar (Davis) is a stacked smartass hooker busted on a marijuana charge who forgoes prison for a two-year sentence in a Costa Rican sugar cane plantation. There she not only runs afoul of sassy black inmate Simone (Edwards) and brutal guard Burgos (Osmond), but also the psychotic warden, Doctor John (Duncan), a perverted physician who performs medical experiments on the prisoners. Besides the Costa Rican locations, SUGAR isn't much different from other women-in-prison potboilers of the period. It's perhaps more cartoony, especially concerning the Dr. John character, who sits on a throne (!) sipping brandy while watching a woman in a bamboo cage dangle above a roaring fire, hooks female prisoners up to a machine (which resembles an ordinary car battery charger) that measures their sex drive, and punishes misbehavers with an army of horny kittens! Of course, Sugar eventually leads the climactic revolt against prison authorities in a blizzard of bullets and explosions. Davis performs the requisite nude scenes with confidence. By the end of the decade, she would be co-starring with Robert Urich on VEGA$. Credited screenwriter Don Spencer also penned THE BIG DOLL HOUSE. Producer Charles S. Swartz's wife Stephanie Rothman undoubtedly was involved in SUGAR in some way; she later directed Davis in TERMINAL ISLAND. Released by Dimension Pictures. Also with Timothy Brown, Albert Cole, Pamela Collins, James Houghton, James Whitworth and Jackie Giroux. The loungy score is by Don Gere. Levesque was the production designer on Russ Meyer's SUPERVIXENS.

THE SWEETEST THING (2002)--Directed by Roger Kumble. Stars Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, Thomas Jane, Selma Blair. My, how times have changed. The same day I saw THE SWEETEST THING, a new romantic comedy starring lithe Cameron Diaz, I also watched 1975's SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS, an ostensible T&A flick by Roger Corman's legendary New World Pictures. It's about three beautiful young women, one of whom is played by effervescent drive-in star Candice Rialson, who rivals Diaz in both talent and looks, who move to Los Angeles to become high school teachers and maybe find love in the process. I say "ostensible", because, although it fulfills the requirements of an exploitation movie with copious nudity and slapstick humor, it also, as many of Corman's films did, contains serious subtext. Written, directed and produced by women, SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS is actually a feminist treatise on women's liberation and empowerment in which, yep, the girls get naked, but only on their own terms for their own pleasure. Rialson and her pals are the smartest characters in the movie, and use both their brains and bodies to break down "the Man's" rule.

THE SWEETEST THING is also about three beautiful young women living together in a large West Coast city (San Francisco), but is otherwise the complete opposite of Corman's so-called "trash" film. There's Christina (Diaz), the blonde one; Courtney (Christina Applegate), the one with the fake breasts; and plain Jane (Selma Blair). These women have careers, but director Roger Kumble (CRUEL INTENTIONS) glosses over that aspect so quickly that it's clear we aren't supposed to think of them as career women (I don't even remember what Christina's job was). Instead, they are presented as vain, selfish party girls always out for a good time, hurt feelings of men be damned. Christina in particular flits from one shallow relationship to the next, leaving bitter ex-beaus piled up behind her like cordwood. So when she meets Peter (Thomas Jane) at a bar and discovers--gulp--she really likes him, she's too scared to pursue him, True Love being a concept too alien to her. However, since this movie perpetuates the insulting myth that a woman can only be truly happy in the arms of Mr. Right (as opposed to the heroines of the New World flicks, in which having a boyfriend was great, but not having one was okay too), Courtney convinces Christina to undertake a weekend road trip to find Peter, who had mentioned something about his brother's wedding. That this movie was written by Nancy Pimental, not just a woman, but also a former staff writer for the acid-tongued, smart SOUTH PARK, is a big surprise.

On the bright side, you can see some wonderful performers floundering beneath an insulting screenplay and clumsy direction. If nothing else, Diaz shows that she's a darn good sport. Her turn in BEING JOHN MALKOVICH proved she's more than a pretty face and cute bod, and even though THE SWEETEST THING relies heavily on both, she also has a willingness to look goofy to get a laugh, an endearing trait for one who can still maintain a level of dignity. As charming as Diaz is, she's outshone by her co-stars: Applegate, a natural replacement for Bonnie Hunt as the star's resident Wisecracking Sidekick (think Eve Arden with a boob job), and the gamine Blair, who nails the biggest laughs in a classically escalating dry cleaning scene. The rugged Jane is good too, although one major flaw is that, in his scenes with Diaz, he doesn't really do anything special enough to make her heart go pitter-patter.

So is this progress? Roger Corman and his stable of young writers and directors showed us that women could be revolutionaries, career women, social activists, as well as girlfriends in relationships of mutual respect. All THE SWEETEST THING tells us is that women cry and eat ice cream when they get dumped and that they can talk as crudely about bodily fluids and vaginal odors as men do. We've come a long way, baby. Also with Jason Bateman, Parker Posey, Georgia Engel (THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW), John Bennett Perry (240-ROBERT), Charlie Dell and Loren Lester. Music by Edward Shearmur.

SWIMFAN (2002)--Directed by John Polson. Stars Jesse Bradford, Erika Christensen, Shiri Appleby, Dan Hedaya, Kate Burton. Have you seen FATAL ATTRACTION? How about PLAY MISTY FOR ME? Or, for heaven's sakes, THE CRUSH? No? Well, then you might consider Swimfan, the American directorial debut of Australian actor John Polson (MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2), to be a fresh and innovative thriller, awash in clever plot twists and suspense. If you have seen any or all of them, you might amuse yourself by preparing a checklist of stalker-movie clichés and marking them off one by one, since the screenplay by Charles Bohl and Phillip Schneider smashes them all like fruit carts in a European car chase.

High-school senior Ben Cronin (Bradford of BRING IT ON) is a bit nervous this week. Scouts from Stanford University are coming to town in eight days to see Ben swim in a big meet, and if he does well, they might offer him a swimming scholarship. He's come a long way from his juvenile delinquency days, obliquely alluded to as involving drugs and stealing, which doesn't seem like a deal big enough to cause every cop in town to scowl at him as he drives by or instantly suspect him of every homicide in town. But they do. Ben, who works part-time with his loving mom (Burton) at the local hospital, also has a sweet girlfriend, Amy (Appleby, TV's ROSWELL), who is apparently supposed to be plain or mousy, but, of course, by "real world" standards, Appleby is too lovely to pull it off.

Yep, life is grand for 'ol Ben-that is, until the new girl in school sinks her hooks into him. Her name is Madison Bell, and she's played by Erika Christensen, whom you may remember as Michael Douglas' crackhead daughter in TRAFFIC. She was very good in that role, but here she's all clenched jaw and dangling blond curls, as if she researched by screening Reese Witherspoon's performance in ELECTION, but forgot that film was a satire. Perhaps Polson, when directing her, thought "less is more," but when comparing Christensen to Jessica Walter's honest, unhinged (and Oscar-worthy) work in PLAY MISTY FOR ME, Madison comes off as more bratty than scary.

For some reason, Madison latches on to Ben immediately, and on her first night in town, manages to seduce him in the school's swimming pool, pleading with him to tell her he loves her in the throes of their soggy sex. Of course, Ben's sorry about it-he really does love Amy-but Madison isn't content to treat their coupling like a one-night stand. At first, her harassment is relatively sedate-leaving her panties where Amy might find them or e-mailing Ben nude pictures of herself-but as Ben's stress over the upcoming meet and keeping his secret from Amy grows, so does Madison's rage, which finally elevates to a murderous level.

To give Polson his due, SWIMFAN is slick and workmanlike in all the right places. It knows where the jolts are supposed to be and delivers on the correct beats. Unfortunately, since we also know from watching all the movies this one rips off where those beats are, their impact is lost on us. It's really only in the third act, however, that SWIMFAN really jumps the rails. We're expected to suspend our disbelief long enough to accept some very far-out machinations that indicate the true depth of Madison's derangement, the silly trap right out of the Hardy Boys that Ben slaps together to capture Madison and the script's truly absurd method of her escape (you didn't really think that, when the killer is arrested by the police, she just goes to jail quietly, did you?). "How stupid do you think I am?" one character asks, the same question you might be shouting at the screen as the implausibilities begin to pile up.

Surprisingly, SWIMFAN does manage to make Ben a sympathetic hero, even though it was his own misjudgment that caused all of his problems in the first place. To be fair, there's no heterosexual teenage boy who-when confronted in a dark, isolated swimming pool by an aggressive, half-naked Erika Christensen-wouldn't succumb to her, nice girlfriend or not. But by constantly upping Madison's level of lunacy, the filmmakers have made it easy to forget how much of Ben's torment is his own fault. Either that or the filmmakers have a pretty twisted, misogynist view of sex, although I'm loath to give them enough credit for injecting anything personal into this paint-by-numbers thriller for TEEN BEAT readers. Even the score by John Debney and Louis Febre is standard fare, sounding like no more than generic tracks left over from a discarded production music library.

If you're looking for a reason to see SWIMFAN, I guess I can't really think of any good ones. It isn't a bad movie as much as an irrelevant one. Do we need another movie about a psychotic female nymphomaniac who stalks her one-night stand and threatens the virgin whom he loves? Especially one in which the male lead exhibits none of the psychological foibles of Clint Eastwood in MISTY or Michael Douglas in FATAL ATTRACTION? Not really, especially when those better movies are easily available on home video. SWIMFAN isn't even bad enough to be campy. Nah, it's just all wet.

SWING VOTE (2008)—Directed by Joshua Michael Stern. Stars Kevin Costner, Madeline Carroll, Kelsey Grammer, Dennis Hopper, Paula Patton. If you’re not a fan of movies with overly precocious kids who act impossibly older than their years, you might want to avoid SWING VOTE. The little actress involved, 11-year-old Carroll, isn’t bad, but her character is almost as absurd as director Stern and Jason Richman’s screenplay, which takes nearly a half hour to fully establish its implausible premise.

Costner, who’s charming enough, is a broke, drunk, unemployed New Mexican named Bud Johnson, who, through a series of unlikely machinations, holds the potentially tie-breaking vote in a Presidential election. His daughter Molly (Carroll) actually cast his vote in an electronic machine, while Bud was sleeping off a drunk, but a mishap with the machine left his ballot unable to be counted. With the national media zeroing in on Joe the Drinker, both Presidential candidates—Republican incumbent Andrew Boone (Grammer) and his Democratic opponent Donald Greenleaf (Hopper)—arrive in tiny Texico, New Mexico to schmooze the one man who holds their political futures in his to-be-cast ballot.

The movie mostly sidesteps any political satire out of fear of alienating half its target audience. Stern tries to nudge both sides of the political spectrum by having the two candidates sell out their values to pander to what they believe the uneducated and unsophisticated Bud’s to be. Flabby at 128 minutes, SWING VOTE is sadly all too relevant in a political culture that embraces alleged Everymen like Joe the Plumber. With more bite and less schmaltz, SWING VOTE could have had plenty to say about America. Also with Judge Reinhold, Nathan Lane, Nana Visitor, Mark Moses, Stanley Tucci, Mare Winningham, and cameos by Bill Maher, Richard Petty, Willie Nelson, Chris Matthews, Larry King, and many other real-life pundits. Music by John Debney.

THE SWINGING BARMAIDS (1975)--Directed by Gus Trikonis. Stars Bruce Watson, William Smith, Laura Hippe, Katie Saylor, Renie Radich. From the director (Trikonis) and producer (Ed Carlin) of MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS comes this sleazy psycho-thriller set in a bar populated by scantily clad waitressestargets of a serial killer named Tom (Watson). This misogynist madman has been traveling cross-country, murdering cocktail waitresses whom he considers to be of loose morals. Now in Los Angeles, his latest victims are the ladies of the Ring-A-Ding, where he gets a job as a bouncerall the easier to keep his eye on the staff, including Susie (Saylor), Marie (Radich) and Jenny (Hippe), the nice one who's engaged to be married. Smith plays the detective in charge of the case.

Although the title makes BARMAIDS sound like a sex comedy (a la THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS), it's actually a straightforward thriller, although not a particularly great one. Some of the dialogue by LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS writer Charles B. Griffith is clever, but the plotting and continuity are sometimes nonsensical. For instance, Watson is first seen wearing an (obvious) blond wig and beard, yet witnesses describe him as having dark hair. Also, although another witness tells Smith his suspect was riding a green Kawasaki motorcycle, we cut to a police bulletin asking officers to be on the lookout for a Honda! The body count is pretty decent though, and Watson conveniently rips the tops off the women before killing them. Look for Dyanne "Ilsa" Thorne as Watson's first victim and Don Adams's brother Dick Yarmy as a comic. Music by Don Bagley. Saylor was a regular on NBC's FANTASTIC JOURNEY sci-fi series.

THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS (1974)--Directed by Jack Hill. Stars Jo Johnston, Colleen Camp, Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith, Rosanne Katon, Ron Hajek, Ian Sander. Writer/director Hill calls it a Disney sex comedy, and this R-rated drive-in classic would probably garner a PG-13 today. Sexy journalism student Kate (Johnston) goes undercover as a cheerleader at Mesa State University in order to write an expose on the most exploited, demeaning activity on campus for the underground newspaper edited by her hippie boyfriend Ron (Sander). She meets rich snob Mary Ann (Camp), who's dating quarterback Buck (Hajek); fragile blonde virgin Andrea (Smith, who was five months pregnant during filming); and black Lisa (Katon), who's in a relationship with her statistics professor. Among the tame sex scenes and political and feminist subtext, Hill and co-writers John Prizer (who also produced) and David Kidd have concocted a point-shaving subplot involving the professor, the football coach and Mary Ann's greedy father.

Hill can always be counted on to toss a clever twist or two into what appears on the surface to be just another exploitation flick, and in this one, the jocks and cheerleaders turn out to be the good guys, and the hippies and authority figures the villains. His swinging heroines aren't mere sex objects either; although all four become involved in unhappy relationships, they call the shots and maintain complete control over their own bodies and their destinies. This won't exactly astound those who recall the strong, self-sufficient characters portrayed by Pam Grier in other Hill features like COFFY and THE BIG BIRD CAGE, but may surprise those viewers expecting routine '70s T&A.

Besides the too-broadly-played slapstick brawl that mars the climax and the sparse yet obvious musical score by William A. Castleman and William Loose, THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS hits the correct notes most of the time. The performances are decent--Johnston (who doesn't seem to have made another feature) is a charismatic lead, Smith and Katon (a future PLAYBOY Playmate) had strong cult followings during the '70s, and Camp continues to play supporting roles in major studio releases (THE ICE STORM, ELECTION)--and Hill doesn't let his tiny budget ($150,000) or brief shooting schedule (12 days!) restrict his style or sense of fun. The screenplay was credited to Jane Witherspoon and Betty Conklin since Hill thought it would be cute if people believed two women were responsible for the on-screen hijinks. Also with Ric Carrott (TV's SPACE ACADEMY), Jack Denton, Jason Sommers, George "Commando Cody" Wallace (RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON), John Quade (a perennial TV heavy who possesses one of the screen's best faces), Bob Minor (also the stunt coordinator) and Mae Mercer. Recently re-released on VHS and DVD by Anchor Bay with two television trailers and an audio commentary by Hill.

SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (1975)--Directed by Jack Hill. Stars Robbie Lee, Joanne Nail, Asher Brauner, Marlene Clark, Monica Gayle, Kitty Bruce. Hill's ultimate trash classic received a major theatrical re-release in 1996, thanks to its biggest fan--Quentin Tarantino--who released it through his own distributor Rolling Thunder. It's hard (but fun) to imagine this playing in art houses all across America. Lee (who looks about 16, but is probably in her 20s) is amazing as Lace, the leader of an all-girl gang called the Jezebels, who feels her role as leader slipping away to rival Nail. Lee reads all of her lines through tightly clenched teeth. Film contains enough action, sex, gang members as heroes, and politically incorrectness for at least two more movies. Highlights include a shootout at a roller-skating rink and a street fight teaming the Jezebels with Clark's black revolutionaries. It's easy to see why Tarantino was so high on it. Also known as THE JEZEBELS and PLAYGIRL GANG.

SWITCHING CHANNELS (1988)--Directed by Ted Kotcheff. Stars Burt Reynolds, Kathleen Turner, Christopher Reeve, Henry Gibson, Ned Beatty. I speak for the minority when I say this remake of the classic play THE FRONT PAGE is pretty good. Not as great as 1940’s HIS GIRL FRIDAY, for sure, but this is the type of material at which Reynolds excelled. Updated from the newspaper business to 24-hour cable news, SWITCHING CHANNELS finds news director Sully (Reynolds) still in love with his ex-wife Christy (Turner), an ace reporter who is engaged to stuffy tycoon Blaine (Reeve). In order to postpone her wedding in hopes of keeping her both on staff and in his personal life, Sully talks her into covering a major story about a convict (Gibson) due to be unjustly executed at midnight. Kotcheff (FIRST BLOOD) isn’t exactly known for his light touch, but the fast banter and likable performances distract you from the illogical plotting and unbelievable portrayal of television news. I doubt that Burt, in the MALONE/RENT-A-COP period of his career, was anyone’s first choice to play the lead, but he’s very charming opposite the game Turner and amusing Reeve. Also with Al Waxman, George Newbern and Joe Silver.

THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982)--Directed by Albert Pyun. Stars Lee Horsley, Kathleen Beller, Richard Lynch, George Maharis, Simon MacCorkindale, Richard Moll. Fast-paced actioner doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it sure is fun. Future TV hunk Horsley (MATT HOUSTON) plays Talon, a manly warrior with a cool triple-bladed sword that shoots its blades at his enemies with the touch of a button. Mikah (MacCorkindale), the rightful heir to the throne, has been captured by nasty Cromwell (genre vet Lynch), who also kidnaps Mikah's sexy sister Alana (Beller) and plans to make her his queen. Talon is a hero most young men can identify with--he's not interested in battling Cromwell for revenge or for money or even for the fun of it. Nope, his prime incentive is a night of hot sex with Alana, who has promised herself to Talon if he will rescue her brother from Cromwells sinister clutches!

Much bloodier than you might expect (considering the film's tongue-in-cheek tone), the screenplay by Pyun and co-producers Tom Karnowski and John V. Stuckmeyer contains holes large enough to drive big Richard Moll (who plays a monstrous demon named Xusia) through, yet contains enough outrageous action and one-liners to keep you from thinking too much about them. Also with Robert Tessier, Nina van Pallandt, Peter Breck, Alan Caillou, Joe Regalbuto, Corinne Calvert, Reb Brown, Christopher Cary, John Davis Chandler, Jay Robinson, Jeff Corey, George Murdock, Joseph Ruskin and William Watson. Film is dedicated to stuntman Jack Tyree, who was killed performing Xusia's fall from a cliff near the beginning of the picture. The excellent score is by Hammer veteran David Whitaker (VAMPIRE CIRCUS), and is arguably as great as Basil Poledouris's landmark CONAN music. The end credits credit a sequel (!) called TALES OF THE ANCIENT EMPIRE that was, unfortunately, never made. Pyun's directing debut; the Hawaiian native was reportedly some sort of protg of Akira Kurosawa's (!), and has averaged two or three low-budget films a year ever since.

SWORD OF HONOR (1994)—Directed by Robert Tiffi. Stars Stephen Vincent Leigh, Angelo Tiffe, Jeff Pruitt. Two cops are partners. One of them is retiring and goes out on one last call. Guess what happens to him? Alan (Pruitt) is murdered by thieves swiping an antique sword from a museum, and naturally his partner Johnny (Leigh) is out for revenge. Pruitt was also the movie’s stunt coordinator and second unit director, and when he and Sophia Crawford, who plays Alan’s sister, are doing their kung fu on-screen, SWORD is not bad. However, both characters are dispatched early, and Leigh is neither skilled nor charming enough to carry the film. He was okay backing up Don “The Dragon” Wilson in RING OF FIRE, but sidekick-level is where he belongs. Crawford also goes nude in a sex scene with Leigh, but I hate her mullet.

SWORDFISH (2001)--Directed by Dominic Sena. Stars John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle. Dominic Sena--go directly to Movie Jail. Do not pass Go. Definitely do not pick up another million-dollar paycheck from a Hollywood studio. You will be released from Movie Jail only when you have learned the rudimentary fundamentals of filmmaking, like creating a coherent storyline and shooting action sequences in such a manner that we can actually see whats going on. Two words, Dom: Tri. Pod. Four more: No. Mo. Slo. Mo. It's nearly always a sure sign the director has either run out of ideas or is desperately attempting to save a dud script when he begins tossing clichd visual gimmicks at us, like constantly jiggling the camera, simulating a video image, or the classic hack trick: gratuitous slow motion. Like Michael Bay, Simon West, David Fincher and too many other contemporary directors, Sena's background is in commercials and music videos, where the concept of storytelling is ignored, if not downright shunned.

I'm quickly losing my patience with John Travolta as well. Not since the pathetic '80s when he was running off a string of losers like PERFECT, THE EXPERTS and LOOK WHO'S TALKING, PART PI has he so frequently insulted his fans--LUCKY NUMBERS, MAD CITY, BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Every once in a while, he'll show up in GET SHORTY or A CIVIL ACTION just long enough to get us excited about him again. He really is a charismatic actor, although the older he gets, the closer he gets to filling Marlon Brando's massive shoes--and I'm talkin girth, not thespic skills.

Travolta does little more than smirk and wise off in SWORDFISH, while smoking cigarettes European-style and afflicted with a silly haircut and vertical tuft of facial hair covering that famous chin dimple. He's a terrorist named Gabriel, who recruits ex-con computer hacker Stanley Jobson (Jackman) to help in his scheme to steal nine billion dollars of U.S. government money from a bank. His ostensible justification for this action is that the stolen money will be used to protect the American way of life from foreign terrorists who attack American citizens, although it isn't clear to me how one can both steal from and protect the American taxpayers at the same time. Stanley is more interested in going straight and regaining custody of his 10-year-old daughter than in participating in Gabriel's scheme, despite the alluring presence of Gabriel's girl Ginger (Berry), a slinky tease in a red dress (and often much less) whose motives and character remain unclear even at the film's close. Cheadle, much too good an actor to be appearing in movies like this, plays it straight as the FBI agent who originally arrested Stanley and now has Gabriel in his sights.

SWORDFISH is a mess from beginning to end with murky characterization and crowded action scenes. At one point, Ginger, who appears to be Gabriel's moll, reveals herself to Stanley as a DEA agent wearing a wire. This is never again referred to, has no bearing on the plot, may only exist as an excuse to show Halle Berry in a hot bra-and-panty set, and, judging from the movie's denouement, appears to not even be the truth. There's another action scene where Stanley attempts to escape from Cheadle by jumping off a cliff and sliding down a seemingly bottomless sandy hillside. Not even once does Sena do what's taught in Action Setpieces 101 and give us a long, establishing shot of the cliff, so we can see how tall it is, what it looks like and where the characters are in relationship to each other. No, it's just a series of blurry, shaky, unending close-ups of feet and backsides sliding on grass and sand, and then on a plastic tarp (why is there a huge tarp affixed to the side of a beachside cliff?). Skip Woods's screenplay is so simplistic that, instead of just making Stanley some sort of Eastwood-esque anti-hero, he now has a daughter who lives with his ex-wife, which is his motivation for getting involved with Gabriel. Even worse, the ex-wife is an alcoholic. No, even worse, an alcoholic porn actress! No, even worse than that, she's a drunken porn star who's late picking up her daughter from school! SWORDFISH would have you believe that's the worst sin a human could commit, and much worse than murdering innocent people while committing a bank robbery.

Structural, dialogue and directorial ineptness notwithstanding, SWORDFISH does at least have decent performances, if nothing spectacular. Berry looks hot (she was reportedly paid half-a-million bucks to appear topless, which certainly earned Warner Brothers more than that from young male ticket-buyers who only saw SWORDFISH for that reason), Travolta grins a lot, and Cheadle tries hard with nothing to work with. One thing is clear: Hugh Jackman is a movie star in the making. He's good-looking, blessed with a nice speaking voice, rugged (a rarity among today's leading men), a pretty decent actor and charismatic as hell. After this and the Ashley Judd misfire SOMEBODY LIKE YOU, its time Jackman moved on to something thats more worthy of his presence. And it ain't SWORDFISH.

Also with Vinnie Jones (SNATCH), Zach Grenier (C-16), Sam Shepard (looking frighteningly like Peter Fonda), Tom Cruise's cousin William Mapother, Camryn Grimes and Tate Donovan, who has either a terrible agent or a lot of common sense, because he isn't mentioned in the credits. Christopher Young and Paul Oakenfold inflict the maddening techno score upon us.