SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE II (1990)--Directed by Jim Wynorski. Stars Melissa Moore, Robin Harris, Bridget Carney, Dana Bentley, Stacia Zhivago. I never saw the original SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE, but I don't imagine this picks up where the first one left off. Five beautiful, big-breasted girls spend the night in a haunted sorority house, where they change clothes, take showers, stomp around in skimpy nighties, and fight a psycho killer. Not much of this makes sense--some of the scenes may have been shot for a different movie and recycled here. Wynorski is credited as Arch Stanton, which is a reference to THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY. Producer Julie Corman is listed as Shelly Stoker. Who knows what that means? Also with Peter Spellos and porn actress Savannah. Also known as NIGHTIE NIGHTMARE.

SOUL HUSTLER (1973)--Directed by Burt Topper. Stars Fabian Forte, Nai Bonet, Tony Russel, Casey Kasem, Larry Bishop. The former Hound Dog Man is better than you might think as Matthew, a guitar-playing, heroin-addicted drifter who becomes a gospel-rock superstar overnight. While cruising through the desert with only his two dogs and hitchhiker Brian (Bishop) for company, Matthew stops off at an evangelical tent show owned by the shady Reverend Evin Calder (Russel), where he picks up some extra bread by fleecing the crowd. Calder realizes Matthew has something he doesn't--youth and a way with a song--and hires Matthew as a headliner. Soon, with ex-junkie Vietnam vet Brian in tow as chauffeur, roadie and hooker procurer, Matthew, the Son of Jesus, heads to the top of the charts and a sold-out gig at the Los Angeles Forum, where he receives an award from the city.

Yes, it's a pretty typical show biz rags-to-riches story, and it's obvious there's going to be no easy way out for Matthew, but the production is pretty lively, the campy dialogue is fun, and--I'm ashamed to say--my toes were frequently tapping during Fabian's bubblegummy tunes, which were mostly written by Harley Hatcher (WILD WHEELS). Topper (THE HARD RIDE), who also wrote and produced SOUL HUSTLER, was obviously working with little money, and he cuts a few corners showing the various transitions in Matthew's meteoric rise, but I liked his PG feature better than I thought I would. Kasem looks ridiculous in a curly-headed rug as Matthew's PR man. Also with William Bonner (SATANS SADISTS), Kitty Vallacher (GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE), Marshall Reed, Robert Swan and Tracy Morgan. According to the Internet Movie Database, editor Kenneth D. Crane was also the (uncredited) director of the stunning THE DOUBLE GARDEN, a hilarious Japanese monster movie about a walking man-eating plant that was penned by Ed Wood (has anyone else seen this one?)!

I think it was originally released as THE DAY THE LORD GOT BUSTED; I have an original one-sheet in which the SOUL HUSTLER title was obviously pasted over the first. The Monterey Home Video tape is complete as far as I can tell. The picture and sound were pretty good--especially considering the tape's age--and the feature is followed by two previews for other Monterey releases: 1961's JOHNNY NOBODY with Aldo Ray and 1977's HUGHES AND HARLOW: ANGELS IN HELL, directed by Larry Buchanan!

SPACE PROBE--TAURUS (1965)--Directed by Leonard Katzman.  Stars Francine York, Russ Bender, James B. Brown, Baynes Barron.  It's hard to believe this laughable SF movie was made in the mid-'60s.  Its cheap-looking special effects, tacky sets, childish dialogue, ludicrous story and anachronistic attitude towards women harken back to the days of LOST CONTINENT and CAT WOMEN OF THE MOON.

In the "futuristic" year of 2000, the spaceship Hope One blasts off from Earth on course for a new planet to colonize.  I think Taurus is its destination, but everyone pronounces it funny.  The previous expedition, aboard Faith One, didn't return from its mission after a fatal dose of radioactivity.  The new crew consists of:  stern Colonel Hank Stevens (Brown), whose lack of a sense of humor is eclipsed only by his decidedly misogynist views towards women ("Space is no place for a woman!"); comic relief John Andros (Barron), whose only job seems to be making lame wisecracks and daydreaming about women (we even see one of his creepy fantasies--ewww!); wise scientist Paul (Bender); and stacked scientist Lisa (York), who appears to be along only because the only other qualified crewmember weighed 120 pounds more than she! 

The storyline pretty much plays like Clichéd Space Exploration Storyline 101--there's even a meteor shower to contend with (the flaming meteors actually resemble meatballs soaked with lighter fluid).  Even though he's a big jerk, Hank ends up getting it on with Dr. Lisa after forcing her to kiss him three times (no sexual harassment back then).  Cynical wiseass John gets to prove that he's an old softy after all.  And, despite the singular alternate title of SPACE MONSTER, the crew actually has several space monsters to deal with, none of which are scary, threatening or even less than comical.  At one point, after Hope One has crash-landed at the bottom of an ocean (portrayed by an unconvincing model planted at the bottom of an aquarium, complete with air bubbles gurgling from the nosecone), the ship is attacked by giant crabs.  And they are clearly crabs, although it takes this crack staff of scientists and educated explorers a while to figure it out.

SPACE PROBE--TAURUS was both written and directed by Leonard Katzman, who was not well known at the time, but later became quite successful in television as a producer of series like GUNSMOKE, HAWAII FIVE-0 and DALLAS.  I realize he was working on a limited budget here, but he made plenty of wrong decisions that had little to do with budget.  For instance, the spaceship doors are designed so that it takes them a good nine or ten seconds to open.  Imagine how much screen time is eaten up by watching cast members open and close doors.  Not only is the screenplay's negative attitude towards women outlandishly outdated, but also amazing is its xenophobia, justifying the death of one alien more or less because it was "ugly".

Surprisingly, the performances aren't half-bad, considering what the actors were working with.  Red-haired York receives top billing, and it's probably to her credit that Lisa isn't nearly as incompetent as she could have been.  I mean, at least we see her doing some actual science-type stuff in addition to providing her male companions with food pills and kisses.  American International Pictures sold the film directly to television, where it has been seen under several different titles, including SPACE MONSTER, FIRST WOMAN INTO SPACE and FLIGHT BEYOND THE SUN.  It recently aired on American Movie Classics, where its host erroneously claimed it was released two years before STAR TREK (which first aired in 1966) and four years before 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968).

SPACE RAGE: BREAKOUT ON PRISON PLANET (1985)--Directed by Conrad E. Palmisano.  Stars Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, Lee Purcell, William Windom, John Laughlin.  Boy, does this have all the earmarks of a troubled production.  It runs only 77 minutes (and still feels like there isn't enough story to fill them), the opening titles list only the main stars and Palmisano's directing credit, and the end credits list an entirely new crew for "Reshoots", including director Peter McCarthy and a different producer and cinematographer.  On the other hand, the concept and execution are so simple that the backstage mayhem shouldn't confuse any audience members, and, in fact, I found SPACE RAGE to be a competent little B-picture.

A B-western is more like it, since that's really what SPACE RAGE is.  Grange (Pare) is a ruthless killer sentenced to life on New Botany Bay, a remote desert mining planet that bears a surprising resemblance to Southern California.  The planet's governor, Tovah (Windom), is also the prison warden, and his number-one man in charge of bringing back "escapers" (and there seem to be several every day) is legendary bounty hunter Walker (Laughlin), who lives peacefully nearby with his wife (Purcell) and young son.  After Grange organizes a mass breakout (which isn't difficult, since there don't seem to be very many guards) and kidnaps Tovah, Walker and his crusty mentor, the Colonel (Farnsworth), a former Los Angeles cop who has nightmares about being stabbed by a hood after forgetting to load his shotgun, pile into their dune buggies and chase Grange's gang across the desert to the sleepy ghost town he has taken over.

This is certainly one of the cheapest films I've seen lately.  We never see any of the townspeople Grange allegedly has hostage, and what few sets there are seem to be built of cardboard.  Most of the action takes place on free desert landscapes, and the tiny budget looks to have been lavished on stunts, chases and explosions.  Palmisano, directing his first film, was and is one of Hollywood's most highly respected stuntmen, which accounts for the high-blasting action scenes.  That doesn't leave the actors much to do, although the skinny Pare, looking silly in a ponytail, isn't up to the job anyway.  Farnsworth is his same old wrinkled self and Windom is fine, but Laughlin is a pretty bland hero.  With so many stunts and so few sets and characters, it's hard to see why reshoots were necessary, unless they were for a prologue showing Grange's arrest--a prologue without which the film would barely reach the 70-minute mark.

Also with Dennis Redfield, William Sylvester, Lewis Van Bergen, Paul Linke and a ton of Palmisanos in the cast and crew.  The rock soundtrack is by a band called Yorface!  Although rated R, some gore appears to have been trimmed, at least from the Lightning Video tape I saw.  In particular, one scene in which Farnsworth blasts two guys with a shotgun has a lot of awkward cuts in it, ultimately showing a corpse with an enormous bloody hole, but how he got that way is mostly gone.

SPACE RAIDERS (1983)--Directed by Howard R. Cohen.  Stars Vince Edwards, David Mendenhall.  Roger Corman produced this juvenile space opera that recycles sets, props, special effects and even James Horner's score from BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS.  Mendenhall (OVER THE TOP) plays Peter, a 10-year-old kid who stows away aboard a spaceship stolen by a band of roguish pirates led by tough guy Hawk (BEN CASEY star Edwards).  Hawk may be a murdering scoundrel, but he has a good heart, and promises to take Peter home.  Unfortunately, the kid's new friends also have to avoid capture by the corporate thugs sent by Peter's middle-management father to rescue him and by a pair of idiotic kidnappers (think HOME ALONE) who want to ransom Peter back. 

There may be a lot to like here for kids weaned on BUCK ROGERS and BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, but it's mostly slow going for me.  Despite their reputation as great thieves, Hawk's crew, which also includes one foxy leather-pants-wearing lady, is easily killed off by some of the least mobile robots in cinematic history.  Edwards is an unlikely choice for a hero, although he does handle some of the more mawkish scenes with ease.  Also with Patsy Pease (DAYS OF OUR LIVES), Thom Christopher, William Boyett, Luca Bercovici (the director of PARASITE), MACON COUNTY LINE director Michael Miller and Dick (no relation) Miller as a used car salesman of the future.  Cohen wrote several New World hits like UNHOLY ROLLERS and COVER GIRL MODELS.

SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (1983)--Directed by Lamont Johnson.  Stars Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson, Andrea Marcovicci.  Columbia Pictures shelled out about $12 million to shoot this silly space opera in 3-D, one of several genre pictures to dangle their toes in such gimmicky waters during the early 1980’s.  Shooting special effects, stunts and explosions is tricky, even before the added pressures of filming in 3-D (using a two-camera process).  Perhaps director Jean LeFleur (ILSA, THE TIGRESS OF SIBERIA) just couldn‘t keep up; he was fired during production in Utah and replaced by Lamont Johnson (THE EXECUTION OF PRIVATE SLOVIK), an acclaimed television director who had earned accolades from Emmy voters and the Directors Guild of America, but had little experience with science fiction.  Ditto star Strauss, the Emmy-winning star of THE JERICHO MILE who made a name for himself in TV miniseries like RICH MAN, POOR MAN and MASADA, but on the surface seemed miscast as a wisecracking action hero.  If you’re curious about how it all turned out, not to worry.  SPACEHUNTER provides 89 minutes of dumb fun, its script--cobbled together by six different scribes, including MEATBALLS’ Dan Goldberg & Len Blum--a bouncing-ball medley of laser battles, fleshy zombies shaped like the Pillsbury Doughboy (perhaps SPACEHUNTER was still on executive producer Ivan Reitman’s mind when he directed GHOSTBUSTERS a year later), sexy Amazons, a sea dragon, hang-gliding mutants, futuristic motorcycles, sadistic deathtraps and sand.  Lots and lots of sand.

Wolff (Strauss), a space-jaunting mercenary one step ahead of bill collectors and a vengeful ex-wife, learns about a hefty reward being offered for the safe return of three sexy party girls who managed to escape an exploding spaceship unharmed and float to rest on a plague-riddled desert planet called Terra 11.  Upon landing on the planet and exploring it behind the wheel of his super-spacejeep, called a “scrambler”, Wolff and his foxy robot mechanic Chalmers (Marcovicci) quickly encounter the three sexpots, who are being cared for by a large band of space pirates floating across the desert on a sail-powered ship.  Really.  An elaborate battle scene finds the girls kidnapped by mutants under the command of Overdog (Ironside), the perverted cyborg czar of Terra 11 who kidnaps children and sucks their lifeforce into his body to keep him healthy.  Not that he looks very healthy; the makeup effects by Tom Burman (THE BEAST WITHIN) make Overdog look like a cross between Nosferatu and Doctor Octopus.  The rest of the running time consists of Wolff bopping cross-country in his 4x4 Wolffmobile, encountering one obstacle after another on his journey into the Forbidden Zone to rescue the chicks and get the reward.  For company, he picks up Niki (Ringwald), a foulmouthed desert urchin who serves as his guide into the Zone, and Washington (Hudson), an old rival driving a huge tank-like craft with a sharp blade attached to the front.

While the screenplay isn’t high on logic (why does jaded man-of-action Wolff carry a bottle of shampoo in his pocket?), it does move incredibly quickly, creating a new menace for our heroes to fight every few minutes and keeping them in plenty of trouble until it’s time for them to battle Overdog.  Johnson and his cast are aided by some remarkably imaginative sets designed by Jackson DeGovia (2004’s THE STEPFORD WIVES) and a rousing orchestral score by the great Elmer Bernstein (THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN), whose heroic theme adds a morale boost to Wolff’s dusty journey.  Although clearly influenced by THE ROAD WARRIOR, the production design and art direction create a properly junky world for the action to take place in, one cluttered with rusty metal and weird shapes, such as Overdog’s lair, which includes a Maze of Death that looks like it came out of an overly sadistic Republic serial.  The miniature and matte effects are pretty good, considering the budget, but are nowhere near as impressive as those of RETURN OF THE JEDI, which opened in the U.S. just five days after SPACEHUNTER in May of 1983.

The performances are as good as can be expected, considering the actors are competing with hang-gliders, rocket-launching Land Rovers and sea monsters for attention.  Strauss handles the sub-Han Solo heroics just fine, although, aside from a brief turn as PETER GUNN on television, he never again tackled an action-oriented role.  Ironside is too slathered in prosthetics to do much more than leer and slobber, and I wonder how much further over the top he could have gone if not for SPACEHUNTER’s PG rating.  Hudson is loyal and likable in the sidekick role, while Ringwald, never one of my favorite actresses, is properly annoying--perhaps too much so--as a filthy tomboy in an uncomfortably inappropriate relationship with the much older Wolff.  While there’s no overt indication of romantic interest, it seems unlikely that a loner like Wolff would get involved with a bratty teenage girl for paternal reasons, so…

Beeson Carroll (M*A*S*H), Harant Alianak, Cali Timmins, Aleisa Shirley and Deborah Pratt also appear in this Canadian co-production, which was partially filmed on soundstages in Vancouver.  Columbia/Tri-Star’s DVD presents SPACEHUNTER in two versions--full-frame and its 1.85:1 theatrical ratio--accompanied by trailers for three other Columbia SF movies, but sadly not SPACEHUNTER.  The 3-D aspect was played up on SPACEHUNTER’s one-sheet and presumably in all its marketing, so perhaps Columbia is hiding that fact from today’s audiences.  SPACEHUNTER was not a big box-office hit (how could it have been, coming out as it did just before JEDI?), and Johnson never again worked on a big-screen project, returning to TV and most recently helming episodes of FELICITY.

SPARTACUS (1960)--Directed by Stanley Kubrick. Stars Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis, Jean Simmons, Laurence Olivier, Charles Laughton, John Gavin, Peter Ustinov. Douglas is well cast as the legendary title character, leader of a Roman slave rebellion in 71 B.C. Three-hour epic contains beautiful location scenery, good dialogue by Dalton Trumbo, exciting action sequences, and clever supporting performances, especially by Ustinov (who was Oscar-nominated) and Olivier. On the other hand, Gavin is his usual wooden self, and Curtis's Bronx accent is always good for a laugh. When re-released in 1992, footage originally cut by the censors was re-instated, including a suggestive scene where slave Curtis bathes Olivier (as Crassus). Sir Laurence was already dead, so Anthony Hopkins dubbed his voice. Also with Herbert Lom, Woody Strode, John Ireland and John Hoyt. Classic score by Alex North.

SPARTAN (2004)--Directed by David Mamet.  Stars Val Kilmer, William H. Macy, Kristen Bell.  Val Kilmer, an actor whose relevance I thought was well past its expiration date, plays an uncompromising Marine training officer named Bobby Scott in SPARTAN, a fantastic thriller written and directed by the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Mamet.  I call Scott a "training officer", even though his actual occupation is oblique.  We first see him in an Army camp training a pair of young recruits in a series of exercises in which the two finalists are eventually placed in a locked room and ordered to fight each other until only one man is left standing.  But when Laura Newton (Kristen Bell), a Boston college student, turns up missing and is presumed kidnapped, the Secret Service commands Scott, a "worker bee" dedicated to following orders without question, to step up and lead the investigation.

Why is the Secret Service involved?  Part of what's wonderful about Mamet's screenplay is the way in which he moves the plot along by delivering just enough information to keep the audience curious.  Although no one in the film ever says so directly, Laura is clearly the daughter of the President of the United States.  Because we're so absorbed in the story, we get to figure out who Laura is, but Mamet, who has more respect for the intelligence of his audience than most filmmakers, never hits us over the head with her identity the way other Hollywood action films would (if for no reason that a dramatic "The President's daughter is missing!" sound byte for the trailer).

What begins as a mystery story, as Scott follows the intricate clues to a sleazy nightclub that caters to middle-aged men with much younger tastes and, ultimately, a white slavery operation in Dubai, ends as a political thriller along the lines of THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR, in which we discover a government conspiracy so shocking that it forces Bobby, a dedicated soldier who has never considered the motives or the consequences of the tasks he has performed under orders, to reevaluate his beliefs.

Kilmer, who has a tendency to sleepwalk through roles that don't interest him, is very good in SPARTAN, weaving his way through the tangled web of Mamet-speak, handling the terse, stylized dialogue with great charm and verisimilitude.  While nobody in real life talks the way Mamet writes, I liken his dialogue to a musical symphony with syllables replacing notes.  Kilmer gets the tempo down like an old be-bopper, repeating certain phrases and words, especially during interrogation scenes, to an hypnotic effect.  Mamet regulars Ed O'Neill, Clark Gregg and, particularly, William H. Macy, who looms over the first half of the film like a sinister shadow, provide solid support.

SPARTAN isn't perfect.  Mamet's intricate plotting boils down to a routine shootout in an airplane hangar, complete with smack-talking villain, and many story points and characterizations appear pulled from Fox's excellent TV series 24 (I often found myself picturing Kiefer Sutherland in the Kilmer role).  Mamet's disdain for episodic television has been documented, so I'm sure any likeness is coincidental, but speaking as a 24 fan, it does exist.  Not that you should let it detract from what is sure to be one of the year's finest thrillers, a smart, tightly plotted thriller that doesn't depend upon splashy CGI effects to earn its buzz.  Filmed entirely on location in Los Angeles, Boston and London.  Also with Stephen Culp, Geoff Pierson, David Paymer, Derek Luke, Alexandra Kerry and Tia Texada.  Music by Mark Isham.  Joseph Merhi, the former co-owner of PM Entertainment who directed several very good direct-to-video action movies like THE SWEEPER and EXECUTIVE TARGET, was a co-producer.

SPASMS (1982)--Directed by William Fruet.  Stars Peter Fonda, Oliver Reed, Kerrie Keane, Al Waxman.  What kind of B-movie star would Peter Fonda be without at least one killer-snake movie on his resume?  SPASMS is a looney-tunes Canadian horror movie with Toronto very unconvincingly standing in for San Diego (!) and Oliver Reed equally unconvincingly standing in for a good actor. How much of this comes from the source material, a novel called DEATH BITE, I don't know, but the story concerns big game hunter Reed's obsession with bagging a giant serpent god from Hell that he encountered on a trip to New Guinea seven years earlier that crippled him and killed his brother. He now maintains a psychic link with the snake that psychiatrist Fonda claims is caused by a virus that was spread in the snake's venom. Reed has the snake captured and shipped to California, where it escapes, killing a nude woman taking a shower (of course) and many more people, including legendary Canuck character actor Al Waxman as Crowley, hired by a local snake worshipping cult to snatch the serpent and deliver it to their "church".

To call Reed's performance "unrestrained" is an understatement, and I ain't buying Fonda's shrink credentials either. Dick Smith provides some bubbling bladder effects, but the snake itself is wonderfully phony-looking. It appears director William Fruet ran out of either time or money to shoot the climax, which barely registers and is over before you know it. Kerrie Keane, fresh off THE INCUBUS, and Angus MacInnes from STRANGE BREW are also in it. Tangerine Dream performs the closing theme. SPASMS garnered a bit of notoriety during its original U.S. release, thanks to the juicy stills of Waxman's lumpy demise that surfaced in FANGORIA. It's not really a very good movie, and, in fact, it isn't even the best killer-snake movie Oliver Reed made in 1982.  You’d have to check out VENOM for that.  From the director of DEATH WEEKEND.

SPECIAL BULLETIN (1983)--Directed by Edward Zwick. Stars Ed Flanders, Kathryn Walker, Rosalind Cash. Made-for-TV suspenser scared a few real-life viewers during its original broadcast because it was directed to resemble a real television news bulletin. Shot on videotape, it's about some nuclear protesters threatening to blast a major city off the map unless the U.S. agrees to disarm its missiles. NBC ran a bunch of disclaimers during the broadcast, but some people took it seriously anyway. From the director of COURAGE UNDER FIRE.

SPECIAL DELIVERY (1976)—Directed by Paul Wendkos.  Stars Bo Svenson, Cybill Shepherd, Michael C. Gwynne.  Who would’a thought big Bo (PART 2—WALKING TALL) could do romantic comedy?  He and Shepherd share a surprisingly amiable chemistry in this lighthearted heist film shot by Bing Crosby Productions (who also did the WALKING TALL series) on a low budget.  I wish director Wendkos would have been able to open the action up somewhat, as at least half the film is set on one block of backlot street.  Four ‘Nam vets rob a bank.  One is killed.  Two are captured.  The fourth, Murdock (Svenson), on the run, stashes $500,000 in loot inside a corner mailbox.  Unbeknownst to him, sleazy drug dealer Gwynne also knows about the loot and wants it for himself.  Murdock teams up with another witness, kooky divorcee Shepherd, whose studio apartment overlooks the mailbox, to figure out how to get to the stash before the 11:45pm scheduled mail pickup.  The chase that climaxes the movie is something of a fizzle, but the two leads work well together, and Wendkos assembles an appealing supporting cast of familiar faces to keep the energy level high.  Also with Tom Atkins, Vic Tayback, Robert Ito, John Quade, Gerrit Graham, Jeff Goldblum, Sorrell Booke, Kim Richards, Edward Winter, Lynette Mettey and Deidre Hall.  Lalo Schifrin’s score is reminiscent of DIRTY HARRY, but a bit too gritty for this frothy vehicle.

SPECIAL EFFECTS (1984)--Directed by Larry Cohen. Stars Zoe Tamerlis, Eric Bogosian, Brad Rijn, Kevin OConnor. Some Cohen cultists have overrated this talky thriller. I thought it was quite slow and boring. Bogosian (in his first film) plays an arrogant movie director named Chris Neville, who has been fired from his latest big-budget special effects blockbuster. He strangles struggling blond actress Andrea (Tamerlis from MS. 45) in his bedroom when she becomes upset that he's filming them having sex. Neville then plans to use the snuff footage in a new film, using an Andrea lookalike (also Tamerlis) and Andrea's real-life husband Keefe (Rijn) as the leads, and frame Keefe for the killing. Cohen, who also penned the screenplay, is going for some what-is-fact-and-what-is-fiction existentialism here (Neville, as is Cohen, is a JFK conspiracy buff, and watches the Kennedy and Oswald assassinations over and over again), but none of his characters are likable, and Bogosian's is the only one who's the least bit interesting. Music by Michael Minard. Also with Richard Greene, Bill Oland, Steven Pudenz and Kitty Summerall.

SPECIAL FORCES (2003)--Directed by Isaac Florentine.  Stars Marshall Teague, Eli Danker, Tim Abell, Scott Adkins.  Florentine continues his string of highly stylized low-budget action films with this solid entry filmed in Lithuania.  While neither as absurd nor wild as his previous film, the excellent U.S. SEALS II, SPECIAL FORCES still provides plenty for action fans to get into.  Most of the bloodshed is the result of machine-gun battles and more realistically rendered military firefights, but Florentine's penchant for staging acrobatic martial-arts battles is cranked up at the climax, featuring a pair of bone-crunching fights choreographed by Akihiro Noguchi.

Rafendek (Danker), a Moldavian military commander involved in ethnic cleansing, kidnaps an American college student who witnesses his men gunning down civilians and holds her for ransom.  What he gets is a U.S. Special Forces squadron led by Major Don Harding (Teague), who bears a personal grudge against Refendek dating back to the war in Bosnia.  Harding's--and Florentine's, for that matter--secret weapon is Talbot, a British agent out to avenge the murder of his partner by Rafendek and portrayed by Scott Adkins, a marvelous martial artist who takes advantage of Florentine's skills for shooting high-octane action scenes.  While Adkins doesn't show a lot of acting chops, he's good enough, and his fists and feet are more than capable of doing his performing for him.  Music by Stephen Edwards.

SPECIAL SILENCERS (1979)—Directed by Arizal. Stars Barry Prima, Eva Arnaz, W.D. Mochtar, Dicky Zulkamaen. For a guy with great power, Gundar (Zulkamaen) is surely lacking in ambition. He wants to be mayor of his little Indonesian village, so he acquires some magic red pills—called “special silencers”—by killing his monk grandfather and stealing them. When ingested, the pills cause vines and tree branches (!) to grow inside the person and burst through his or her skin, causing what I assume to be a painful death. Gundar uses the special silencers to kill the mayor and the mayor’s cop brother, leaving the mayor’s daughter Julia (Arnaz) and a dashing young motorcyclist named Hundar (Prima) as his main obstacles to the throne. You’d think he’d at least want to be governor.

Gundar himself is a difficult match, since meditation has given him impenetrable skin, but he luckily has a full roster of hired goons to send after Hundar, whose kung fu skills enable him to rip through them like flypaper. He tortures Julia by making her smell some stinky feet, then siccing rats, which he calls “black commandos” on her, which couldn’t have been fun for the actress. A weird combination of fantasy and kung fu, SPECIAL SILENCERS is more lucid than later Arizal actioners like THE STABILIZER and LETHAL HUNTER. It actually has a real story and an interest in its characters. Whether that makes SPECIAL SILENCERS any better than those other pictures, I don’t know. Some of the humor is intentional. Screenwriter Deddy Armand also penned many other wonderful crappy Indonesian action movies, including THE STABILIZER, FINAL SCORE, and ANGEL OF FURY with Cynthia Rothrock.

THE SPECIALIST (1994)--Directed by Luis Llosa. Stars Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone, James Woods. Woods is the best thing in this dull adventure starring Sly as a former CIA assassin hired by grieving Stone to kill the Cuban dope dealers who killed her family. An out-of-control Woods is Stallone's corrupt former partner. Sly and Sharon have a brief shower scene, but there's no chemistry between them at all. As hammy as Woods is, Rod Steiger and Eric Roberts as the Cuban bad guys outdo him! Music by John Barry.

SPECIES (1995)--Directed by Roger Donaldson. Stars Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Forest Whitaker, Natasha Hentsridge. A gorgeous naked blonde from outer space invades L.A. and graphically kills everyone in sight in an effort to get laid! What's not to like? Actually, this is a throwback to those '50s sci-fi monster movies that used to star Richard Carlson or Richard Denning...only with more blood and much nudity. Some government scientists, led by the enigmatic Kingsley, have created a little girl using a combination of human and extraterrestrial DNA. When the super-strong "Sil" decides she doesn't like being a guinea pig any more, she breaks out of the Utah installation and hops a train to Los Angeles. Kingsley, recognizing the bad publicity that could occur, assembles a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-type team, led by assassin Madsen and sensitive psychic Whitaker, to track her down and kill her. Meanwhile, Sil has grown up to be a gorgeous stone fox (played by 20-year-old Henstridge in a striking debut), and is cruising the L.A. club scene in order to find an appropriate mate, leaving piles of dead bodies in her tow.

The cast seems to recognize the silliness of it all, and plays along smoothly--Madsen in particular is a pleasure, as he tosses off the requisite one-liners in a way that lets the audience know he's having a good time. Whitaker is unusual and interesting in a film that doesn't really bother with much in the way of characterization; that's unfortunate as far as Kingsley's character is concerned. At the film's beginning, he seems to take a fatherly interest in the half-alien child he has created, but later he seems cold and obsessed with her death. The makeup effects are appropriately gooey. Visual effects by Richard Edlund. Script by Dennis Feldman. Also with Alfred Molina and Marg Helgenberger (an Emmy winner for CHINA BEACH).

SPECIES II (1998)--Directed by Peter Medak. Stars Michael Madsen, Natasha Henstridge, Marg Helgenberger, Mikelti Williamson. This unpleasant, big-budget misfire came and went quickly in theaters in the spring of 98. Madsen delivers one of the least energetic performances I've ever seen--it seems obvious he didn't want to make this sequel, and he walks through it like a zombie--and Henstridge, who wears very little clothing throughout, is extremely underused and underwritten.

This sequel follows the plot of the first film--gorgeous alien stalks L.A. mating and then killing its victims--but this time the stalker is male: an American astronaut who was the first man to walk on the surface of Mars, but returned to Earth infected with some sort of virus than turns him into a horny killer who sprouts tentacles and impregnates his victims with more monsters. He collects his offspring in some sort of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED community in his barn. Madsen is called in by the military to stop the astronaut, and he teams up with Dr. Helgenberger and sex-crazed astronaut Williamson. Henstridge plays a clone of the original Sil, this time named Eve, who lounges around her laboratory prison watching DUKES OF HAZZARD reruns. Much gorier, bloodier and uglier than the original, but with worse acting, editing and, especially, writing--much of this film makes no sense at all. With George Dzundza, James Cromwell and pointless, what-the-hell-were-they-thinking uncredited cameos by Peter Boyle and Richard Belzer (who appears for about ten seconds on a TV screen as the President).

SPECIES III (2004)--Directed by Brad Turner.  Stars Robert Knepper, Robin Dunne, Sunny Mabrey, Amelia Cooke, Natasha Henstridge.  Not that you were waiting for it, but the SPECIES series returns in this direct-to-video entry which retains the gore and sex content of the earlier films, but sacrifices pace, scope and excitement.  Picking up where the putrid SPECIES II left off, half-breed alien Eve (Henstridge in a small wordless cameo) dies giving birth to a beautiful blond girl who is snatched by mad scientist Knepper and skirted away to his university home.  Sara, who grows into a sexy young woman (Mabrey) within a few days, seems at ease roaming around Knepper's house in the buff, while the mad doc attempts to use her DNA to, I don't know, something for the greater good, I suppose.  Knepper and his college student sidekick Dunne aren't evil, just greatly misguided, as so many movie scientists are, messing around in alien DNA where they have no business.  Turner does a poor job of recapping the first two films, so you may not realize that the other aliens who stop by occasionally to fight Sara are her half-siblings spawned in SPECIES II.  Considering the small budget, the gore and CGI effects are reasonably well done, while the vapid Mabrey and the even sexier Cooke provide an excellent skin quotient.  Room is left for another sequel, although it's hard to see where MGM could take the franchise from here.  Also with Mike Warren (HILL STREET BLUES), Christopher Neame (DRACULA A.D. 1972) and Rick Dean. 

SPECTRE (1977)--Directed by Clive Donner.  Stars Robert Culp, Gig Young, John Hurt, Ann Bell.  STAR TREK creator Gene Roddenberry produced this atmospheric, sexy series pilot in England.  NBC aired it in May 1977, but declined to pick up the series.  SPECTRE was shown overseas in a continental cut containing flashes of female nudity, which is the print I saw on Fox Movie Channel.  I suspect SPECTRE may have influenced THE X-FILES as much as KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER reportedly did.  Culp stars as William Sebastian, an arrogant criminologist obsessed with investigating supernatural phenomena, and Young is Dr. Hamilton, a skeptical alcoholic physician who goes along with Sebastian mainly to keep him out of trouble.  The duo investigate an English manor, ostensibly to prove that the lady of the house, Anitra Cyon (Bell), is crazy, but actually discover that her alleged encounters with ghostly spirits are real.  The finale features Druid priests, topless women, a green lizard man, tumbling boulders and lots of special effects.  Culp and Young offer strong performances, and I wish their adventures had continued.  Also with Gordon Jackson, James Villiers, Jenny Runacre, Michael Latimer and Roddenberry’s wife Majel Barrett, who would have been a series regular as Culp’s mysterious secretary Lilith.

SPEED (1994)--Directed by Jan De Bont. Stars Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Sandra Bullock, Joe Morton, Jeff Daniels. Exciting high-octane thriller with a brilliant premise. Hopper is a psychotic mad bomber who rigs a Los Angeles commuter bus with an explosive device set to detonate if the bus travels under 50 mph. Reeves plays a member of the L.A. bomb squad who finds himself on the bus and into danger. Features taut direction by DeBont in his debut; he previously served as cinematographer on such action classics as DIE HARD and TOTAL RECALL. Graham Yost's script features some awful dialogue, but DeBont and the cast (especially Hopper) turn it into one of the year's best movies.

THE SPEED LOVERS (1968)--Directed by William F. McGaha.  Stars William F. McGaha, Fred Lorenzen.  Who the hell is William F. McGaha and where is he now?  This mad genius apparently made just three movies in his career, serving as writer, producer, director and star.  One is THE SPEED LOVERS, which I’ll get to in a moment.  His first was a softcore nudie flick called BAD GIRLS FOR THE BOYS, and it comes as no surprise to me that his last was J.C., in which McGaha plays none other than Jesus Christ, born again as the leader of a biker gang out to knock off The Man.  Judging from his ego-fueled masterpiece, THE SPEED LOVERS, it makes sense that McGaha would have something of a Messianic complex.

In the days before Hollywood studios blanketed the entire country by releasing their films in 3000 multiplexes at a time, there was room for smaller independent distributors to stake their claims.  Many films never saw any kind of nationwide release.  They were regionally financed and produced, and released only in specific states for a niche audience.  Thus was born the “speedsploitation” genre, in which dozens of Southern filmmakers teased drive-in audiences with a peculiar mixture of amateurish acting, cornpone atmosphere, fast cars, lurid women and a rockabilly or country-western soundtrack.  To capitalize on the South’s passion for stock car racing, McGaha made THE SPEED LOVERS, a ludicrous melodrama that marked the quadruple-threat as the Orson Welles of the kudzu set.

Fred Lorenzen plays himself, “NASCAR’s all-time leading money winner.”  While he’s burning around the track, winning another hefty purse, Scott Clayton (McGaha) drinks alone in a bar, bragging about what a great driver he could be if his buddy Fred would just give him a chance.  Since neither Fred nor his mechanic--Scott’s own father (played by an actor roughly the same age as McGaha)--will let Scott drive on their team, the brash young man accepts an invitation from sultry owner Vanessa (Peggy O’Hara) to attend a party at the estate of greasy gangster Pinky Bentley (David Marcus), who resembles Victor Buono on a four-day drunk.  Mesmerized by Bentley’s international bevy of bikini girls, Scott falls into Pinky’s scheme, which is to force the lad into convincing Lorenzen to drive on Vanessa’s racing team.

To say that McGaha is a failure as a screenwriter, producer, director and actor would be a deception.  It would be true, of course, but it also would not express the level of joy McGaha’s wretched skills produce in an appreciative audience.  The pudgy, slouchy, hopelessly square star is at least fifteen years too old to depict an impetuous young Turk, and witnessing the cardigan-clad “romantic lead” dancing woefully and making out with several nubile young ladies in gratuitous scenes he wrote for himself skirts the attractive line between hilarious and embarrassing.  Penning lines like, “What brings you to my humble web, said the spider to the handsome speed lover?”, is enough to toss McGaha into Movie Jail for life, and his direction consists of stilted performances, egregious continuity errors and incomprehensible plotting.

McGaha does bookend the film with real 16mm racing footage shot at the Atlanta International Raceway, which may be a combination of stock footage and 2nd unit work.  It’s actually fairly exciting stuff, even if he did evidently use every crash and smashup he could find.  Lensed in “Speedcolor” and featuring decent rock tunes by Billy Lee Riley and Randy Little and the Holidays, THE SPEED LOVERS is a hopelessly clumsy exploitation movie, but not a dull one.

SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL (1997)--Directed by Jan De Bont. Stars Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe. Keanu Reeves turned down a multi-million dollar paycheck to return for this sequel; he must have read the script. Too bad sweet Sandra didn't. She isn't even given much to do--most of the action is given to her new boyfriend, played by handsome but bland Jason Patric, who may be a good actor, but is clearly no movie star. Instead of an out-of-control city bus, Bullock and Patric find themselves trapped aboard an out-of-control cruise ship traveling at the maddening speed of...20 miles per hour!? Not many opportunities for excitement or thrilling visuals there. It's all the masterwork of demented computer genius Dafoe, who has bleached his hair and puts leeches on his body to purge his blood of copper poisoning. If the gaps in logic don't get you, the dull pace will. Also with Colleen Camp, Michael G. Hagerty and Tim Conway (!) as Sandy's driving instructor!

SPEED ZONE (1989)--Directed by Jim Drake.  Stars John Candy, Eugene Levy, Donna Dixon, Peter Boyle.  Conceived as CANNONBALL RUN III. Perhaps Orion had difficulties obtaining the rights to the title, but the participation of producer Albert S. Ruddy and co-star Jamie Farr as "The Sheik" practically guarantees that SPEED ZONE was intended to be a sequel to the Burt Reynolds moneymakers. The problem is that Burt and his band of merry pranksters aren't in it. Instead, it's an SCTV-ized version that features John Candy, Eugene Levy and Joe Flaherty, was written by Michael Short, and was directed by Jim Drake. It's an action/comedy with dull action and little comedy. And certainly lacking the star power of the CANNONBALL films, which sparkled with names like Roger Moore, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Shirley MacLaine, Farrah Fawcett, Peter Fonda and Jackie Chan. SPEED ZONE substitutes the Smothers Brothers, Matt Frewer, Alyssa Milano, Melody Anderson, Brooke Shields, Michael Spinks, Lee Van Cleef (who died in '89), Art Hindle and Tim Matheson.

Candy made a lot of mediocre movies, but I don't recall him ever giving a bad performance, and even the lack of funny material and the misguided romance with Dixon (who plays her character as a Marilyn Monroe impression) look somewhat reputable in his capable hands. Frewer, as an Englishman who teams up with hitman Flaherty (who resembles his Rocco n'er-do-well from the SCTV soap THE DAYS OF THE WEEK), wrestles with an appalling accent, but plays off Flaherty well, and their scenes are probably the film's liveliest. Dick and Tom Smothers look like they're having a good time, and Brooke Shields is surprisingly competent playing herself. Not acquitting themselves as well are Levy (who's wasted), Peter Boyle (struggling with a ridiculous character) and Shari Belafonte and Melody Anderson as beautiful Ph.D's who aren't allowed to be very sexy. SPEED ZONE is also missing the daring stunt work that might have made it worthwhile for action fans. There's a lot of fast driving and cars occasionally bumping each other, but the chases exhibit less energy than the bumper car party that rolls beneath the closing crawl. Also with Mimi Kuzyk, Carl Lewis, Harvey Atkin, John Schneider, Brian George, Don Lake and Richard Petty. After this and POLICE ACADEMY 4, Drake went back to TV sitcoms.

SPEEDTRAP (1977)--Directed by Earl Bellamy. Stars Joe Don Baker, Tyne Daly, Morgan Woodward. I confess to having a weakness for Baker's '70s exploitation flicks. From FRAMED to MITCHELL, the sight of the big Southerner walking tall and carrying a big stick is something of a guilty pleasure for me. Therefore, you may want to ignore me when I tell you to check out SPEEDTRAP. A private detective (Baker) and a policewoman (Daly) join forces to catch a tire-squealing car thief known as the Roadrunner. No points awarded for guessing the masked thief's identity. Lots of terrific car chases and slow-motion crashes. Also with Richard Jaeckel, Robert Loggia and Lana Wood.

SPEEDWAY (1968)--Directed by Norman Taurog. Stars Elvis Presley, Nancy Sinatra, Bill Bixby, Carl Ballantine, William Schallert, Gale Gordon. The seventh abysmal Taurog/Presley collaboration. Elvis is another racecar driver. His sleazy agent (Bixby) has been embezzling his winnings, which draws the attention of beautiful Internal Revenue agent Sinatra. Elvis draws her attention as well. Songs include "Your Groovy Self", "He's Your Uncle, Not Your Dad" and four more '60s classics.

SPELLBOUND (2002)—Directed by Jeffrey Blitz.  It may sound unlikely now, but the final third of SPELLBOUND is as suspenseful as any action movie you’ll see this year.  Blitz sends his camera around the country to follow eight junior-high students as they prepare for Scripps Howard’s 1999 National Spelling Bee.  The disparate kids are as fascinating as the bee itself, coming from all walks of life to compete for a common goal.  Among them are Ashley, an inner-city student whose proud black mother laments the lack of publicity surrounding her little girl’s achievements; Ted, an awkward Missouri farm boy whose intelligence isolates him from his few peers; Angela, whose Mexican immigrant parents still speak no English, despite living in America for two decades; April, who refers to her dingbat parents as Archie and Edith Bunker (to their dismay); and Harry, a hyperactive geek with an oddball sense of humor and quite likely ADD.  Blitz doesn’t delve into the socioeconomic or racial differences between the kids.  He presents them so matter-of-factly that it’s difficult to pick one to root for.  All deserve to win, and the contest, held in Washington D.C. and televised live on ESPN, is genuinely exciting.  Prepare to laugh and to cry if you watch this Oscar-nominated documentary.

SPHERE (1998)--Directed by Barry Levinson. Stars Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, Liev Schreiber. Based upon a Michael Crichton bestseller, this $80 million dud manages to waste both a talented cast and a potentially thought-provoking concept. A team of scientists--including stress psychologist Hoffman, biochemist Stone and mathematician Jackson--is summoned by the U.S. Government to a closely guarded location 1000 feet below the Pacific Ocean where a spacecraft has been found buried beneath miles of coral. The craft, which is at least 300 years old, contains a mysterious gold sphere, which begins to affect the crewmembers minds. Soon everyone is acting suspiciously, people begin dying off, and longtime colleagues refuse to trust each one another.

Despite attacks by jellyfish, a giant squid, creepy sea snakes, fire, and a sentient being calling itself Jerry, SPHERE actually contains very little action, and is a failure as a thriller, a horror film or as intelligent science fiction. The squid attack, which was one of the novel's most exciting setpieces, is disappointingly left mostly offscreen. Instead, the cast is forced to struggle with underdeveloped characters and line after line of technobabble. The screenplay by Stephen Hauser, Paul Attanasio (QUIZ SHOW) and Kurt Wimmer tosses in a few ambiguous suggestions of a past romantic relationship between Hoffman and Stone, but it all collapses into a confusing mess during the final hour. Even Jackson admits on the DVD's audio commentary that he didn't know exactly what was supposed to be going on either.

The visual effects, supervised by Jeffrey A. Okun (DEEP BLUE SEA), are murky and unconvincing, and the twist coda, lifted from Crichton's novel, is a complete copout. Elliot Goldenthal tries but fails to create suspense with a blustery and overly orchestrated musical score. Also with Peter Coyote (E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL), Queen Latifah, Marga Gomez, Huey Lewis (!), James Pickens Jr. and Levinson regular Ralph Tabakin (the cranky coroner from HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET). Hoffman and Levinson previously worked together on RAINMAN, SLEEPERS and WAG THE DOG.

SPIDER-MAN (2002)--Directed by Sam Raimi.  Stars Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Willem Dafoe, James Franco, Rosemary Harris, Cliff Robertson, J.K. Simmons.  Well, they finally got one right.  After years of dreary film versions of Marvel Comics superheroes, such as THE PUNISHER (which starred Dolph Lundgren as a doltish tough guy), CAPTAIN AMERICA (a ludicrous low-budget mess that went straight to video) and THE FANTASTIC FOUR (a Roger Corman tax shelter that has never legally been shown anywhere), SPIDER-MAN is among the finest comic book adaptations ever made.  Sure, X-MEN, BLADE and its sequel BLADE II were good movies, but they contained enough flaws to prevent them from being more than that.  One big mistake was to depart from the elements that made the comics interesting in the first place, like changing their costumes or going for a trendy "dark" atmosphere.  Although the Spider-Man character--and that of his all-too-human alter ego Peter Parker--has undergone much change in the comic book series over the last forty years, Raimi (EVIL DEAD) and scenarist David Koepp (JURASSIC PARK) wisely decided to stick with the basic premise cleverly rendered by writer Stan Lee and drawn by Steve Ditko in Marvel's AMAZING FANTASY #15 in 1963.

Parker (Maguire) is a nebbishy high school senior living in Queens, New York with his kindly Uncle Ben (Robertson) and Aunt May (Harris).  In most ways, he's a typical put-upon teenager.  The other kids pick on him because he's kind of small and prefers science to football.  He lives next door to his dream girl, red-haired Mary Jane Watson (Dunst), but how can he talk to her when she prefers good-looking jocks to wimpy academics?  In fact, Peter's only friend is another loner, brooding Harry Osborn (Franco), a nice enough but not-so-bright kid whose father just happens to be Norman Osborn (Dafoe), the head of Oscorp Industries and one of New York's wealthiest men.

Peter's life changes forever during an afternoon field trip to a laboratory doing research on spiders.  He's bitten by one exposed to radiation, which has the unforeseen side effect of imbuing him with the proportional speed and strength of a spider, as well as the ability to walk up walls, perform amazing acrobatics and shoot webs organically from his wrists.  After a loved one is killed tragically, Peter takes his Uncle Ben's words "With great power comes great responsibility" to heart, and decides to use his newfound powers for good.  Covered from head to toe in a snazzy red-and-blue costume that includes a mask to conceal his identity, Parker becomes Spider-Man, a wall-crawling crimefighter who may have met his match in the first supervillain he tangles with:  the Green Goblin, a cackling maniac clad in green armor who appears to cause mayhem and even murder with reckless abandon.  No points for guessing that Mary Jane becomes one of the Goblin's potential victims.

Filled from beginning to end with a litany of splashy visual effects and clever in-jokes, SPIDER-MAN ultimately succeeds on the strengths of its characters.  One reason Spider-Man has endured all these decades is his Everyman quality.  Who hasn't occasionally been the brunt of a cruel joke or been made to feel like an outsider?  Who among us hasn't had to struggle to make a rent payment or stammered in the presence of a man or woman we secretly love?  Unlike the invulnerable Superman and the wealthy Batman, Spider-Man feels like one of Us--the common man's superhero.  Brought to life by the winning Maguire, Parker is a young man impossible not to root for, whether he's slugging it out with a bad guy or struggling to untie his tongue long enough to say hi to Mary Jane.  By focusing not just on the special effects and fight scenes, but also on the relationships among the characters, Raimi and Koepp (with uncredited assists from script doctors Scott Rosenberg and Alvin Sargent) have crafted an action film that runs on emotion as well as adrenaline.

As good as Maguire is in the title role, a film like this is only as good as its villain, and few performers could have brought what Dafoe (PLATOON) does to the role.  As the Green Goblin, a tormented Jekyll-and-Hyde character torn between revenge upon his business partners and his love for his son, Dafoe manages a nifty blend of menace and pathos, especially in the scenes where he must act against himself.  It's a very good performance in which he knows better than to go too far, a lesson Jack Nicholson didn't learn when he undertook the part of the Joker in Tim Burton's BATMAN.  Dunst, with her sweet smile and girl-next-door sexiness, is perfect as M.J., beautiful, yes, but also not unattainable.  Harris and Robertson (great to see him back on the big screen) are perfectly paternal, and Simmons (LAW & ORDER) all but steals his few scenes as J. Jonah Jameson, Peter's gruff, brushcutted boss at the Daily Bugle, the newspaper for which he works as a freelance photographer.

The CGI effects by FX master John Dykstra (STAR WARS) are probably about as good as they could be.  Spidey often seems a bit flat and "videogame-y" while swinging across the cityscape, but Bob Murawski's crisp editing and Raimi's deft staging prevents the digital shots from being distracting.  Unfortunately, Danny Elfman's score is not among his best.  While his pompous BATMAN score has become the archetype for superhero music, SPIDER-MAN suffers from the lack of a recognizable theme.  It's not bad music at all (and compared to Michael Kamen's limp X-MEN score, it sounds like Herrmann at his peak), but it doesn't rouse the way it should.  The other technical credits, with sets and backlots often substituting for New York locations, are well done, as they should be for a movie that cost this much to make.

SPIDER-MAN is not Raimi's initial foray into the world of superheroics.  His DARKMAN was an interesting spin on the Frankenstein legend with Liam Neeson as an embittered scientist whose face was burned away by criminals.  And while Bruce Campbell's bumbling Ash can't be called a superhero in the traditional sense, the EVIL DEAD trilogy boasts several innovative action scenes and tongue-in-cheek swashbuckling moments.  Also with Bill Nunn, Ted Raimi, Bruce Campbell, Elizabeth Banks and quick cameos by Lucy Lawless (XENA) and Stan Lee.  Lee and Ditko receive deserved opening title cards.  Stay for the end credits and receive a nifty treat:  a recording of the endearingly goofy theme song to the '60s "Spider-Man" cartoon!  SPIDER-MAN was the first film to gross more than $100 million in its opening weekend, and set a record for the fastest rise to the $200 million level.

SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004)--Directed by Sam Raimi.  Stars Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Alfred Molina, James Franco, J.K. Simmons, Rosemary Harris.  Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's friendly neighborhood Spider-Man returns in this big-budget sequel that plays almost as a remake of the 2002 original.  Once again, nebbishy Peter Parker is torn between his love for childhood sweetheart Mary Jane (Dunst), now a Broadway actress dating the astronaut son of Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson (a scene-stealing Simmons), and the great responsibility that goes along with having super spider powers.  The baddie this time around is Otto Octavius (Molina), a brilliant scientist in the employ of Oscorp owner Harry Osborn (Franco), the son of the first film's Green Goblin.  After an accident adheres Octavius' indestructible robot arms to his torso, he goes mad, adopts the moniker Doctor Octopus (usually shortened to Doc Ock), and continues his experiments from a secret base on the New York City waterfront.  Meanwhile, Peter, sick of sacrificing his schoolwork, his family, his job as a Daily Bugle photographer and his love for "MJ" because of the hours he puts in moonlighting as Spider-Man, tosses his costume in the trash (in Raimi's loving tribute to John Romita's classic cover of THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #50) just as Ock begins his terrorization of New York.

Several plotholes in Alvin Sargent's (ORDINARY PEOPLE) screenplay, taken from a story by Pulitzer Prize-winner Michael Chabon and SHANGHAI NOON's Miles Millar and Alfred Gough, bother me, especially in the scenes where Parker experiences an inexplicable loss of his superpowers, causing him to fall out of the sky like Wile E. Coyote and somehow not get hurt when he crashes to the hard pavement.  The performances, especially Molina's, are wonderful, except for Dunst, who doesn't project the personality of anyone's dream girl and actually comes across as quite fickle.  Raimi also blows the ending, choosing not to end on one of two perfect moments, but instead tacking on a redundant wedding scene that plays like Simon Oakland's babbling at the end of PSYCHO.  There wasn't a single audience member in the theater where I saw SPIDER-MAN 2 who wasn't fidgeting during this sequence, which pads the film past the two-hour mark.

Perhaps I'm so hard on SPIDER-MAN 2 because its flaws are easily correctable, but feel tacked on to dumb the movie down or make it more palatable to a wider audience (re: women more interested in the mushy stuff than two guys in costumes beating the crap out of each other).  When it works, it really works.  John Dykstra's visual effects are much improved over the first movie, although I still don't think the Spidey-swinging-over-the-city shots are very convincing.  Sargent's emphasis on characterization over slugfests is an admirable one, and the film doesn't become bogged down in the existential darkness that plagued Ang Lee's HULK.  The perfectly cast Maguire particularly shines in his scenes with Harris, who portrays his elderly aunt May.

As derivative as SPIDER-MAN 2 is, it can't take the crown of "best superhero movie ever", as some fans have proclaimed, but I liked it, as Raimi, who directed 1990's DARKMAN, has a better handle on what makes this type of film work than most Hollywood filmmakers do.  I'd like to declare a moratorium, however, on superheroes revealing their secret identity to every Tom, Dick and Harry that crosses their path.  I half-expected Michael Gough to waltz in at any second and start leading guided tours into the Spider-Cave.  Also with Bill Nunn, Vanessa Ferlito, Elizabeth Banks, Donna Murphy, Dylan Baker, Ted Raimi, Cliff Robertson, Elya Baskin, Mageina Tovah, Hal Sparks, Bruce Campbell, Stan Lee and Willem Dafoe.  Danny Elfman recycles his unmemorable score from the first film, which is supplemented with cuts by Joseph LoDuca, John Debney and several other composers.  Chicago fills in for much of New York.  Expect Franco to become the new Green Goblin in SPIDER-MAN 3.

SPIDERS (2000)--Directed by Gary Jones.  Stars Lana Parrilla, Oliver Macready, Nick Swarts, Mark Phelan.  One of a long line of "giant monster" movies by Nu Image, SPIDERS is actually pretty decent, delivering plenty of goo and destruction amid a steady stream of unobtrusive in-jokes that show no one involved is taking it too seriously.  College newspaper reporter Marci (Parrilla), sort of a hot female version of Fox Mulder, convinces her two male pals to sneak into a secret government base located near Vasquez Rocks, where they witness the space shuttle Solaris crashlanding.  Since the government is claiming Solaris burned up in the atmosphere, conspiracy theorist Marci figures something must be fishy and ends up several hundred feet underground, where she and her slacker dude buddies discover a sinister experiment afoot.  In an ongoing attempt to create an army of super-soldiers (aren't they always?), the government is injecting alien DNA into a tarantula, which escapes from Solaris into the underground facility, where it begins chomping on the cast at regular intervals.  After 70 minutes of claustrophobia, director Jones (MOSQUITO) sets the climax in L.A., where we're treated to shots of the by-now giant spider stomping around the streets, ripping the roofs off of cars and smacking pedestrians out of the way with its tremendously powerful legs.  While too cute to pass for someone who believes that The Truth Is Out There, Parrilla (later a regular as a paramedic on BOOMTOWN) is a plucky enough heroine, eventually shedding both her spectacles and most of her clothing in order to better blast the spider to Kingdom Come in a thankfully wet tank top.  KNB's makeup effects are appropriately gruesome, while the visual effects range from acceptable, considering SPIDERS' budget, to awful.  Strangely, a simple effect like two actors standing in front of a green screen represents the film's ugliest effect.  The spider never really looks convincing, but Jones' mix of CGI, animatronics and puppetry does the trick just fine.  Bill Wandel provides an expensive-sounding score that pumps and blasts at appropriate moments.  Gee, them rockets sure look like toys, don't they?

SPIES LIKE US (1985)--Directed by John Landis. Stars Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Donna Dixon, Steve Forrest, Bruce Davison. Landis's attempt to do a Hope & Crosby ROAD movie. Chase and Aykroyd play a pair of bumblers recruited by the CIA for a hazardous mission in the Soviet Union. When they discover the U.S. is using them as patsies, they team up with American agent Dixon to prevent Armageddon. It's funny enough to keep you entertained. Aykroyd scripted with CITY SLICKERS scribes Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel. Also with Vanessa Angel, Bernie Casey, William Prince and filmmakers Terry Gilliam, Frank Oz, Sam Raimi and Ray Harryhausen (a Landis trademark). Bob Hope does a non sequitur cameo! Hit theme song by Paul McCartney.

SPIKE & MIKE'S CLASSIC FESTIVAL OF ANIMATION 2001 (2001).  Back for another go-round of small theatrical playdates and film festival showings are Spike & Mike with their latest collection of animated short films.  Not to be confused with their other annual collection, SPIKE & MIKE'S SICK AND TWISTED ANIMATION FESTIVAL, which purges the scatological, foul-mouthed and sometimes wickedly funny excesses of animation filmmakers, SPIKE & MIKE'S CLASSIC FESTIVAL OF ANIMATION is a fine showcase for several of the world's most interesting newcomers to show a wide audience what they can do.  With an exception or two, all fifteen shorts could be safely shown to all but the youngest children, although their wit and sometimes sophisticated subject matter would certainly be lost on them.

Two of this year's selections are Oscar winners, including Pixar's FOR THE BIRDS, which captured the trophy for Best Animated Short Film in 2002.  It's also probably the only Spike & Mike selection you're likely to have seen, since it played on thousands of screens in 2001 as the opener for Pixar's blockbuster hit MONSTERS, INC. (itself an Oscar winner for Best Original Song).  Directed by Ralph Eggleston and executive produced by TOY STORY's John Lasseter, FOR THE BIRDS is a simple story of a flock of stuck-up birds sitting on a telephone wire that gets their just desserts from a clumsy bigger bird they mock.  While amusing and skillfully rendered, FOR THE BIRDS is no more than a trifle that lacks the raw energy and subversive chaos of a vintage Warner Brothers 'toon.

The festival's other Oscar winner is a pure knockout, however.  FATHER AND DAUGHTER, which captured the 2000 Academy Award for Animated Short, is a powerful tale told in an illustrative style of a father and daughter who bicycle one bright morning to an ocean.  She watches as he gets into a boat and rows out of sight.  Accompanied by a gorgeous musical score by Normand Roger, the film focuses on the girl as she grows up, has a family of her own, and becomes an old woman herself, but still comes back to the water every day to await her father's return.  Written and directed by Dutch animator Michael Dudok de Wit, FATHER AND DAUGHTER marks him as a creative mind to look for in the future.

The fall-down funniest film of the fest is undoubtedly REJECTED, which purports to be a series of promotional bumpers for the "Family Learning Channel" and commercials for the "Johnson & Mills" advertising agency that were turned down by their clients.  Following SOUTH PARK's lead that animation doesn't have to be pretty to be funny, REJECTED consists of merely squiggly stick figures on bare backgrounds, but injected with a full load of biting satire and bizarre dark humor.  Directed by Don Hertzfeldt, these spots roar with non sequiturs, subversive stabs at consumerism, and a cheeky attitude that earned it an Academy Award nomination, although it's no surprise that anything this clever didn't win.

What also makes SPIKE & MIKE'S CLASSIC FESTIVAL OF ANIMATION interesting is the wide variety of animation styles on display.  Besides the methods stated above, claymation, CGI, and classic 2D cel animation are used, and the funny, politically incorrect EUROPE AND ITALY uses mere circular construction paper cutouts to tell its jokes about bad Italian drivers, inept Italian politics and rude Italian social habits.

Not all of the fifteen shorts are as interesting as these, but even the worst, THE LAST DRAWING OF CANALETTO, a deadly dull museum portrait of a film, is over quickly enough to keep you involved.  Chalk up another successful year for Spike & Mike and their fine taste in animation.

SPILL (1996)—Directed by Allan A. Goldstein.  Stars Brian Bosworth, Leah Pinsent, Chuck Shamata, Stephen Markle, Eric Peterson.  This bargain-basement direct-to-video action movie is the pits, even by Bosworth standards.  A New York newspaper misspells the word “considers” in headline type.  A major Presidential rally attracts about forty people.  The U.S. President and his chief adviser speak with heavy Canadian accents.  One Secret Service agent, who is thought killed, is sent a day ahead of time to scout the location of said Presidential rally.  Writer Les Standiford and director Goldstein (DEATH WISH V) couldn’t possibly have given a damn about this film, as sloppy and illogical as it is.  Performances are mostly lousy and, at best, by rote.  Bosworth (STONE COLD) is the above agent, Ken Fairchild, who discovers a government germ warfare experiment gone awry at an Oregon national park.  The President’s chief adviser (Peterson) and his flunkies, disguised as park rangers, try to shoot down Fairchild and a pretty veterinarian (Pinsent) before they can get out of the park to reveal the story.  A handful of dangerous stunts and Shamata’s turn as a Columbo-like investigative reporter are the film’s lone highlights.  Originally released to video as VIRUS.

SPINE TINGLER!: THE WILLIAM CASTLE STORY (2009)—Directed by Jeffrey Schwarz. After two years of playing the film festival circuit, this affable biography of Hollywood filmmaker and huckster William Castle was released as a DVD extra on Sony’s WILLIAM CASTLE FILM COLLECTION box set of eight horror and fantasy movies he directed. Castle began his directing career making B mysteries for Columbia, but became something of a household name in the 1950s and 1960s with a series of campy suspense pictures with gimmicks that outweighed their hokey plots. For 1958’s MACABRE, he insured each audience member for $1000 against death by fright. For THE TINGLER, he wired theater sets to vibrate and startle the audience. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL was released in Emergo, which was nothing more than a skeleton that emerged from behind the screen and soared over the audience’s head on a wire. Yes, silly, but a great source of fun for the many Monster Kids who grew up on Castle movies. Joan Crawford gave Castle a rough time on STRAIT-JACKET, but otherwise the director is portrayed as a likable man who enjoyed complete control of his work. Roger Corman, Joe Dante, John Landis, and Budd Boetticher are among the talking heads exhorting Castle’s genius as a marketer, if not necessarily a director.

SPINOUT (1967)--Directed by Norman Taurog. Stars Elvis Presley, Shelley Fabares, Deborah Walley, Diane McBain, Dodie Marshall. Elvis plays--guess what?--a racecar driver. He also sings in a band with a female drummer. Shelley, Debbie, Diane and Dodie all have the hots for Elvis. That's fine with him. Also with Jimmy Hawkins, Jack Mullaney, Will Hutchins and Carl Betz (Shelley's dad on THE DONNA REED SHOW). The title song is pretty good for an Elvis soundtrack.

SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON (2002)--Directed by Kelly Asbury & Lorna Cook.  Stars the voices of Matt Damon, James Cromwell and Daniel Studi.  Just so you know what you're getting into if you buy a ticket to this pallid paean of political correctness from DreamWorks, the studio co-owned by the same Steven Spielberg who recently edited out all guns and even the most innocuous references to terrorism from his classic E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON opens with a rousing scenic view from eagle's eye-level of the Grand Canyon, backed with Hans Zimmer's majestic-sounding music (I say "majestic-sounding", because to call Zimmer's ear-bleeding world score "majestic" would be to bestow upon it a dignity it doesn't deserve).  This massive vista cuts to an introduction to our main character, a wild mustang named Spirit (voiced flatly by Matt Damon), and a torturous power ballad by over-the-hill Canadian singer Bryan Adams.  After a bit more "horseplay", directors Kelly Asbury and Lorna Cook insult us some more with another bad Bryan Adams song.  So far, we're nearly ten minutes into the picture, and all we have to show for it is no story, next to no characterization, some pretty animated scenery and two Bryan Adams songs.  Proceed if you dare.

The next 72 minutes serve as penance for the filmmakers' liberal guilt, as we follow Spirit's adventures with the evil White Man and the peaceful, English-speaking Native Americans.  The screenplay by John Fusco (who gave us not one but two YOUNG GUNS movies; thanks so much, John) finally kicks into gear when Spirit, whose very name implies his "oneness" with himself and nature, is captured by a squad of 19th-century Army soldiers and taken back to their fort.  The cavalry's colonel (James Cromwell), who isn't given a name, lest we be tempted to view him with any human qualities, is scornful of Spirit's independence after the stallion refuses to allow the soldiers to brand or saddle him, so he deprives his new catch of food and water for three days.

Instead of providing us with one solid storyline, Fusco gives us several sketchy, lazy ones.  Soon Spirit has escaped the cavalry's clutches with the aid of always-cheerful Lakota boy Little Creek (Daniel Studi), but is recaptured by the lad's peaceful tribe, where he engages in good-natured teasing and munching on all the apples he can eat.  He also meets a hotsy-totsy girl horse, and is confused about why she seems to like the "two-legger" Little Creek more than she does him.

The mare is soon out of the picture, however, after another escape and still another recapture, this time by railroaders who need Spirit to help drag a locomotive steamer over a mountain.  Of course, history has shown how the railroads ruined the lives of peaceful Americans (ah, yes, sarcasm again rears its head), especially this one, which Spirit ascertains will lead straight through the pastures where his mother roams.  There doesn't appear to be any shortage of grass to graze in the Old West, but Spirit punishes Man for possessing the audacity to progress by flailing away against the Evil White Empire, setting his enslaved equine brethren free and destroying the engine in an admittedly impressive action sequence, complete with raging fireballs.

If there are any white guys involved with this movie who can remotely be called "evil", they would be Hans Zimmer and Bryan Adams, whose sleep-inducing music actively challenges you to stay focused.  It became almost a personal challenge to my senses, provoking me to keep my eyes open while their vapid New Age sounds numbed my soul like Beethoven accompanying Edward G. Robinson's checkout in SOYLENT GREEN.  Except Eddie got to view real live pastoral films, instead of the uneven 2D and 3D images on display here.

It's hard to blame the voice talent for SPIRIT's failure.  They don't provide any nuance or characterization, because there is none in Fusco's script to give.  After Damon's dull voice work in TITAN A.E. helped contribute to that film's disastrous box office and, indirectly, to the total dismantling of 20th Century Fox's animation department, one would think he wouldn't be on top of anyone's list to bring down another cartoon adventure, but here he is, contributing a completely superfluous narration (none of the animals talk except Spirit, who communicates with us entirely offscreen) that may have been tacked on in post-production.  Cromwell's only direction was probably "Be Venal", which he is, at least as much as he can be with a nameless character whose purpose seems to be representing the Alpha Males of the Old West.

Will SPIRIT entertain the audience for which it is intended?  I suppose so, but again, so would a yo-yo.  The 6-year-olds in the auditorium where I saw SPIRIT laughed at the horsey slapstick and clapped when the bad guys fell down, so maybe it works as an 82-minute babysitter.  If they were my kids, I'd give them a book before inflicting this half-cocked history lesson upon them.

SPIRITED AWAY (2001)--Directed by Hayao Miyazaki.  Stars Daveigh Chase, Jason Marsden, Suzanne Pleshette, David Ogden Stiers, Susan Egan, Lauren Holly, Michael Chiklis, John Ratzenberger, Tara Strong.  SPIRITED AWAY is not only brilliantly animated and marvelous storytelling, but also head and shoulders above what's happening these days in American animation.  The latest film by revered Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki, whose PRINCESS MONONOKE was hamfistedly released in the U.S. by Disney a couple of years ago, SPIRITED AWAY mostly eschews digital technology in favor of old-fashioned hand-drawn animation and offers a storyline and grotesque characters more akin to GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES than SHREK.

10-year-old Chihiro (voiced by the plucky Daveigh Chase) is apprehensive about moving into a new house, a new town, a (gulp!) new school.  While her parents reassure her that a new environment will be an exciting experience, Chihiro grumbles in the backseat, not convinced.  Turns out she gets a lot more than she expected when her dad gets lost taking a shortcut and encounters a strange, beautiful, empty temple where one shouldn't be.  As the family explores, only Chihiro thinks it odd that no one is around and, of course, much odder when what appears to be a free buffet turns Mom and Dad into pigs.  Finding the pathway back to the temple blocked, she's befriended by a slightly older boy, Haku (Jason Marsden), who warns her that humans are not beloved in this strange world, and sends her down to hide in a boiler room commanded by Kamaji (Urbana High School alum David Ogden Stiers), a seemingly ill-tempered gent with eight stretchable legs who commands an army of cute little sootballs.

Kamaji is just one of many strange and even ghastly characters that populate this weird fantasy.  There's Yubaba (Suzanne Pleshette), the nasty matron of a local bathhouse where most of the action takes place, who gives Chihiro a job, but also takes away her name, redubbing her "Sen" (a plot point about losing her parents forever if Chihiro forgets her original name is glossed over).  A mysterious black ghost with a white mask that eats people and dispenses gold nuggets like Pez is called No-Face.  Talking frogs, a colossal talking baby, a trio of bouncing green heads, a radish spirit (which is, indeed, a giant, walking radish) and an elongated white dragon all are part of this world's everyday existence.  My favorite was the "stink spirit", a river spirit that has amassed so much gunk and sludge that only a high-powered deluge of super-strong bathwater can free him.

Although enough weirdness is happening around her to send most of us straight to a padded room, Chihiro is a solid anchor for us to identify with and one of the strongest role models for young girls I've seen in quite awhile.  She's smart, brave and exceedingly polite, but not superhuman.  She doesn't toss out unbelievable quips in stressful situations.  She cries when she's scared, but doesn't hesitate to risk her life to save others.  In short, she acts the way we like to think we would if we were in the same situation, with directness, virtue and courage.  She's one of the most appealing screen action heroines in ages.

What's most admirable about SPIRITED AWAY is its ability to appeal to both adults and children without talking down to either.  It earns its PG rating with splashes of blood, a vomiting mud monster and other grotesqueries that are more reminiscent of the Beatles' phantasmal YELLOW SUBMARINE than more familiar Japanese animated imports like POKEMON.  None of the children in the audience I saw it with appeared to be frightened; indeed, they seemed absorbed in the story and imagery throughout its 125 minutes with nary a whine or fidget among them. 

It's such an imaginative and colorful film that Disney's failure to give it the wide release it deserves is dumbfounding; perhaps the reigning American leaders in animated fantasies are afraid of being shown up by their Japanese competition.  SPIRITED AWAY is showing only 128 theaters and with little promotional support, a dubious decision by Disney, which isn't shy about plastering thousands of multiplex screens with their own heavily merchandised product.  Perhaps Disney couldn't think of a way to market Chihiro dolls or coloring books, but don't let the studio's stinginess keep you away from what may well be the best animated feature you see this year.

SPITFIRE (1994)--Directed by Albert Pyun.  Stars Kristie Phillips, Tim Thomerson, Sarah Douglas, Lance Henriksen, Debra Jo Fondren.  Gymnastics star Phillips stars in her only film as gymnastics star Charlie Case, whose trip from Rome to Athens to compete in a world championship meet is interrupted by some fairly inept evil spies, led by the vengeful Carla (Douglas).  Unbeknownst to Charlie, her father is a tuxedo-clad secret agent who yodels (!) named Richard Charles, who's played by a very bored Henriksen who rarely appears in the same shot with any other actor except Douglas.  After his lover Amanda (PLAYBOY Playmate Fondren)--Charlie's mother--was murdered by Carla in the pursuit of some Ukrainian missile launch codes, Richard secretly passed a key to their location onto Charlie, who is then chased all over Malaysia and Hong Kong by Carla and her goons.  With Richard in captivity, Charlie's only help is in the form of Rex Beechum (Thomerson), an alcoholic sportswriter in search of a Pulitzer Prize-winning scoop.  If you've ever wanted to see Henriksen flying around with a jet pack or character actor Brion James reprise his BLADE RUNNER performance ("Time to die."), SPITFIRE is the place, but it's hardly worth the trip.  Clumsily directed and edited and polluted by a soundtrack riddled with awful rock tunes, Pyun's film stumbles from start to finish, wrapping up its story ten minutes early and climaxing with Charlie's performance at the gymnastics meet, which the audience couldn't care less about.  Thomerson is very good as a wisecracking, slightly-cowardly-but-loyal-when-the-chips-are-down sidekick, but that's the last of the affecting performances.  Phillips, the world's only gymnast to smoke and dress as a hooker, is unconvincing as both a sexpot and a tough grrrl, and mercifully the sequel Pyun threatens us with in SPITFIRE's post-crawl scene never happened.  Filmed in Rome, Hong Kong and the Philippines.  Also with producer Gary Schmoeller as Charlie's coach, Terri Conn, Jackie Brummer and stunt coordinator Jon Epstein.

SPLASH (1984)--Directed by Ron Howard. Stars Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah, John Candy, Eugene Levy. Charming comedy about a New York bachelor (Hanks) who is saved from drowning by a gorgeous, naked blond mermaid (Hannah). He tries to keep her identity a secret, despite the efforts of a scientist (Levy) to kidnap her for study. The romance between Hanks and Hannah is touching, and Candy is hilarious as Hanks's sleazy brother. Hit launched Hanks's movie career.

THE SPLIT (1968)—Directed by Gordon Flemyng. Stars Jim Brown, Diahann Carroll, Ernest Borgnine, Gene Hackman, Warren Oates, Donald Sutherland, Julie Harris, Jack Klugman, James Whitmore. With the exception of THE DIRTY DOZEN, pro footballer Brown was surrounded by the finest supporting cast of his career in this clever heist picture.

Based on one of Donald E. Westlake’s Parker novels, the MGM feature finds hardass McClain (Brown) returning to Los Angeles to organize the heist of $500,000 in ticket proceeds from the L.A. Coliseum after an NFL game. You gotta like McClain’s method of testing his new partners before recruiting them, including driver Klugman, two-fisted Borgnine, safecracker Oates, and sharpshooter Sutherland.

The heist goes off reasonably well, but an odd story twist involving the landlord (Whitmore) of McClain’s ex-wife (Carroll) leads to bloodshed and doublecrosses. Hackman enters around the halfway point as a crooked detective who plans to cut himself in for a share of the loot.

British television director Flemyng contributes some flashy touches (a bloodsoaked blanket, a bullet hole in a water tower). Sharp photography, Quincy Jones’ jazzy score, and a sturdy cast also make THE SPLIT imaginative viewing. Carroll’s performance and looks are a little too “Hollywood” for a hard-hitting crime drama though. With this, TWO-MINUTE WARNING, and HICKEY AND BOGGS, it’s a wonder Los Angelenos weren’t frightened off from visiting the Coliseum. THE SPLIT received one of the MPAA’s first R ratings, but it would easily get a PG-13 today. Also with Joyce Jameson, Warren Vanders, Jackie Joseph, Anne Randall, and Harry Hickox. Sheb Wooley and Billy Preston sing Jones’ original songs.

SPLIT IMAGE (1982)--Directed by Ted Kotcheff.  Stars Michael O'Keefe, Karen Allen, James Woods, Brian Dennehy, Peter Fonda, Elizabeth Ashley.  A typical white middle-class college athlete (O'Keefe) pursues a pretty girl (Allen) and accepts her invitation to spend a weekend with her at the commune where she lives.  He discovers that it's actually a religious cult run by the charismatic Kirklander (Fonda), and before the weekend is over, he has shaved his head and become one of them.  His grieving parents, played by Dennehy (excellent in an atypical role) and Ashley, hire a crude, profane, obnoxious deprogrammer (Woods) to kidnap and un-brainwash him.  Although it plays like a made-for-TV movie, Kotcheff deftly pulls some excellent work out of his cast, especially the manic Woods, whom you can't take your eyes off of.  The laidback Fonda seems an odd choice as the cult leader, especially considering that he had been working almost exclusively in exploitation up to that time, but he certainly sells the role.  Parts of it play like a horror film, as O'Keefe begins suffering hallucinations to the tune of Woods' browbeating.  Also with Lee H. Montgomery, Peter Horton, Michael Sacks and Irma P. Hall.  Music by Bill Conti.  Filmed in and around Dallas, Texas.  A similar film called TICKET TO HEAVEN came out around the same time.  Co-writer Robert Kaufman used to pen Beach Party movies for AIP.

SPLIT SECOND (1953)--Directed by Dick Powell. Stars Stephen McNally, Keith Andes, Alexis Smith. Pretty suspenseful low-budgeter about a bunch of gangsters holding hostages in a deserted desert town located on a nuclear test site. Also with Jan Sterling, Frank DeKova, Paul Kelly, Arthur Hunnicutt and Richard Egan. Great cast. Very bizarre ending.

SPLIT SECOND (1991)--Directed by Tony Maylam. Stars Rutger Hauer, Kim Cattrall, Neil Duncan. Hauer stars as a typically burned-out movie detective in 21st-century London. He and his by-the-book partner (Duncan) are chasing a serial killer that turns out to be a monster from outer space. Pretty boring, despite the lurid premise. The (confusing) climax featuring a dimly lit creature built by Chris Walas was reshot by a different director (Ian Sharpe). Also with Michael J. Pollard. I saw this movie's world premiere at the Houston International Film Festival. Duncan was present for a Q&A session, but no one in the audience seemed to care.

SPOOK BUSTERS (1946)--Directed by William Beaudine. Stars Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Douglas Dumbrille. The Bowery Boys play exterminators who are hired to do a job at a spooky old mansion, where they encounter some tired haunted-house clichés (hidden panels, rotating walls, flying hatchets) and a mad scientist (Dumbrille) who wants to transplant Sachs (Hall) brain into the cranium of a gorilla. Not very scary, since we know from the beginning there aren't any ghosts in the house. These Monogram Bowery Boys features are definitely acquired tastes; how much you enjoy this B-picture depends on how much silly slapstick, malapropisms and mugging you can take. Also with Gabriel Dell, Bobby Jordan, David Gorcey, William Benedict, Charles Middleton and Bernard Gorcey.

SPOOK CHASERS (1957)—Directed by George Blair.  Stars Huntz Hall, Stanley Clements, Percy Helton.  The Bowery Boys had definitely run out of steam by this late entry.  Leo Gorcey had left the series a year or so earlier after the accidental death of his father Bernard (who played Louie Dombrosky in several Bowery Boys movies), and his replacement, Clements as Duke, came across meaner and crueler in his bullying of Sach (Hall) than malaproping Gorcey.  Plus, the boys had already played this script several times, it seems.  Once again, the bumblers are caught in an apparently haunted house, this one a country estate purchased by their friend Mike (Helton, filling in capably as the new Louie character).  When Sach discovers a cache of stolen cash hidden by the previous owner, a dead gangster, the baddie’s business associates and the crooked realtor dress up as ghosts in order to scare the boys out.  The Bowery Boys, who had been making 3–5 programmers per year for quite awhile, finally called it quits in 1958.  David Gorcey, Eddie LeRoy, Jimmy Murphy, Darlene Fields, Peter Mamakos, Ben Welden and Robert Shayne all appear in this series entry directed by Blair, who made many ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN episodes.  Not to be confused with fellow Bowery Boys pictures GHOST CHASERS, SPOOK BUSTERS or SPOOKS RUN WILD.

SPOOKS RUN WILD (1941)--Directed by Phil Rosen.  Stars Bela Lugosi, Leo Gorcey, Bobby Jordan, Huntz Hall, David Gorcey.  The East Side Kids meet Bela Lugosi in this cheap Monogram melodrama.  Muggs (Leo Gorcey), Gimpy (Hall), Danny (Jordan) and the rest of the delinquents are sent to summer camp.  Sneaking out of the barracks one night to scope the girls of the nearby town, the boys stumble across a cemetery, where Pee Wee (David Gorcey) is shot by a caretaker.  They take him to a spooky old mansion inhabited by mysterious Nardo (Lugosi), who may or may not be the "monster killer" terrorizing the region.  Your like or dislike for this film will probably compare proportionally to your tolerance for the Bowery Boys.  I didn't grow up watching their films on television, but I did have a nice time seeing them interact with Lugosi and do the routine haunted house scares.  They, of course, went on to mine the same material in several films down the road, well into the 1950's.  What's interesting about SPOOKS is the matter-of-fact manner in which the film and the characters deal with black East Side Kid Scruno (Sunshine Sammy Morrison), who's treated surprisingly respectfully.  Also with Angelo Rossitto, Dennis Moore, Dave O'Brien and Dorothy Short.

THE SPORT KILLER (1978)—Directed by Jeremy Hoenack.  Stars James Luisi, John Karlen, Susan Sullivan.  Talented television actors take center stage in this unexceptional independent thriller that was originally released as THE DARK RIDE and put out on DVD as KILLER’S DELIGHT.  It’s not delightful in any form, as its choppy editing and general lack of sleaze and suspense tag it as barely passible late-night-TV fare.  Simply, it’s about a serial killer (CAGNEY & LACEY’s Karlen) stalking and slashing women in San Francisco and the tough-as-nails cop (former NBA athlete Luisi) chasing him.  Loosely based on Ted Bundy and produced with an attempt at realism by writer Maralyn Thoma, the movie generates little heat, though the acting is quite good, particularly the charming Hilary Thompson (THE YOUNG REBELS) as a sunny teen victim.

SPRING BREAK (1983)—Directed by Sean S. Cunningham. Stars Perry Lang, David Knell, Paul Land, Steve Bassett, Corinne Alphen, Jessica James, Jayne Modean, Richard B. Shull, Donald Symington, Danial Faraldo. The director of FRIDAY THE 13TH makes a teen T&A comedy and does a typically workmanlike job on it. It was released at the perfect time, however, with a nifty poster, and ended up making pretty good money at the box office. Four college students—two from the Midwest (Knell, Lang) and two from Brooklyn (Land, Bassett)—become roommates in a Fort Lauderdale hotel during spring break. When they aren’t attending wet T-shirt contests and bellyflop competitions, they’re drinking beer and trying to pick up girls. Every once in awhile, Cunningham and writer David Smilow rudely interrupt the lame sight gags and gleaming bikini bods with a dull subplot involving a crooked building inspector (HOLMES & YOYO’s Shull) and Knell’s sleazy politician stepfather (Symington). SPRING BREAK’s best asset is stunning Penthouse Pet Alphen, who steals the film as an undulating rock singer named Joan who tangles romantically with Bassett. Joan performs with a neat all-girl band called Hot Date, although .38 Special and Cheap Trick are the soundtrack’s biggest names. Really not a good movie, not even by the paltry standards of the teen sex genre, though Alphen (who today gives tarot readings) may be worth your time.

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK (2005)--Directed by Paul Shapiro.  Stars Shannon Lucio, Riley Smith, Kathy Baker, Bryan Brown, Wayne Thornley.  I thought crappy made-for-TV monster movies were strictly the exclusive province of the Sci-Fi Channel, but CBS--the so-called Tiffany network--chimed in with this beauty, a teen-dream killer-shark flick set during spring break in Florida, but actually lensed in South Africa.

And a work of genius it is too. Parents will be heartened to know that nary a policeman wanders the beaches and waters of Florida during spring break, while the rest of us ponder a world where a rapist is dismissed with "you're such a loser" and the word "soda" means "water". I would have liked less Spring Break and more Shark Attack shenanigans, but it's hard not to admire Bryan Brown's brilliant plan to lure teenage customers to his beach by renting his competition's fishing boat and using it to chum the waters of her beach in hopes of attracting sharks, closing down her beach and luring all the drunks over to his. He might have gotten away with it too if not for meddling kids Danielle (Lucio, a cute redhead with a speech impediment from THE O.C.) and Shane (Smith), who boldly go where law enforcement fears to tread and lure the sharks out to sea with Bill Paxton's tornado-baiting trash can from TWISTER, developed in this movie by Danielle's David Arquette-lookalike brother Charlie (Thornley).

I expected more gore from the C.S.I. network, but reluctantly admit I liked the movie, which did throw some grue around between angsty scenes of father/daughter estrangement, poor white townie insecurity and many hotties in bikinis. I don't know why they couldn't have shot this in California, except maybe the EPA frowns on movie productions shooting geysers of fake blood out of the ocean.  Also with Bianca Lishansky, Justin Baldoni and Genevieve Howard.  Music by Danny Lux.  CBS followed this up a month later with LOCUSTS starring Lucy Lawless (XENA).

SPY CHASERS (1955)—Directed by Edward Bernds. Stars Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Bernard Gorcey, Leon Askin, Sid Ruman, Lisa Davis. The Bowery Boys tussle with foreign spies in this latter-day Allied Artists comedy. Princess Anne (Davis) of Louie’s home country of Truania invites the diminutive sweet-shop proprietor (Bernard Gorcey) and the boys to meet her father, the recently deposed King Rako (Ruman). He gives Slip (Leo Gorcey) half a coin that matches a duplicate belonging to the Truanian underground led by Louie’s general brother. When the messenger with the other half of the coin shows up at the sweet shop, the King will know the rebellion has begun. Unfortunately, the King’s aide, Colonel Baxis (Askin), is a traitor and schemes to get the boys’ coin. Askin became a familiar face a decade later playing a similar character on HOGAN’S HEROES. Mel Welles (LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) and Paul Burke (an Emmy nominee for NAKED CITY) make brief appearances. Bernds reuses sets for different locations without even redressing them—the ultimate sign of a rushed schedule. Also with David Gorcey, Benny Bartlett, Veola Vonn, and Richard Benedict.

SPY HARD (1996)--Directed by Rick Friedberg. Stars Leslie Nielsen, Nicollette Sheridan, Andy Griffith, Charles Durning, Barry Bostwick. The kind of movie they have to keep making in order for Leslie Nielsen to remain employed. When Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams and David Zucker created AIRPLANE! and THE NAKED GUN in the 1980s, I'm sure they had no idea of the kind of Frankenstein monster they had created. Long after the trio gave up on wacky, gag-a-second spoofs of movie and television genres, films like SPY HARD continue to be churned out by writers and directors not nearly as talented.

SPY HARD was made by the director of Nielsen's silly rental car TV commercials, and written by the director's 24-year-old son and his son's college roommate. What you get is a parody of Bond films (not of Bruce Willis-style action thrillers like the title seems to indicate) starring Nielsen (who can no longer be taken seriously as a dramatic actor) as Dick Steele, Agent WD-40 (this gives you an idea of the level of humor involved). He's brought out of retirement to stop the deadly plot of General Rancor (a bloated Griffith) to conquer the world with his giant missile. Along the way we get spoofs of PULP FICTION, TRUE LIES, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and other box-office giants and cameos by such C-list stars as Alex Trebek, Robert Guillaume, Robert Culp, Mr. T, Fabio and Dr. Joyce Brothers. With the vast number of jokes being bandied about, a few are bound to hit, but most of them just miss.

SPY IN YOUR EYE (1965)—Directed by Vittorio Sala.  Stars Brett Halsey, Dana Andrews, Pier Angeli.  Just before heading to a hospital to have a new eye installed, eye-patched Colonel Lancaster (Andrews) gives secret agent Bert Morris (Halsey) his mission:  to rescue Paula (Angeli), the daughter of an East German scientist who has her father’s top-secret formula hidden on her.  As Morris parachutes into East Germany, Lancaster asks his doctor how long the surgery will take.  “Not long,” he replies.  “About an hour.”  Sure enough, an hour later, Lancaster has a new eye…with a video camera in it!  Surprisingly, the movie doesn’t care about this as much as you would think, considering it’s in the title and all.  Halsey ends up chasing pretty Pier all the way to Lebanon via a series of okay action scenes.  I was impressed that Sala actually went to Paris and Beirut to film, rather than faking it using rear projection.  Riz Ortolani scored this Italian production that AIP distributed in the U.S.

SPY KIDS (2001)-Directed by Robert Rodriguez.  Stars Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alexa Vega, Daryl Sabata.  This charming children's film was a surprise smash for Dimension in the spring of 2001.  Unbeknownst to their children, Carmen (Vega) and Juni (Sabata), Gregorio (Banderas) and Ingrid Cortez (Gugino) are retired secret agents who met and married on the job years ago.  When the parents are kidnapped by an old foe, the squabbling siblings use their innate intelligence and cool gadgets to capture the bad guys and rescue their folks.  SPY KIDS is the rare kids' movie that also appeals to adults, and audiences of all ages should get a kick out of this colorful and clever adventure.  Also with Alan Cumming, Teri Hatcher, Robert Patrick, Danny Trejo, Tony Shalhoub and Cheech Marin.  Look for directors Mike Judge (OFFICE SPACE) and Richard Linklater (SLACKERS).  Rodriguez also wrote, produced and edited this feature.

SPY KIDS 2: ISLAND OF LOST DREAMS (2002)--Directed by Robert Rodriguez.  Stars Alexa Vega, Daryl Sabata, Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino.  SPY KIDS 2: ISLAND OF LOST DREAMS, Robert Rodriguez' lively sequel to his surprise smash hit from last spring, is sorta like the theme park it spoofs in its opening frames.  As Dinky Winks (Bill Paxton), the jovial Texan owner of the park, leads the young daughter of the President of the United States through a personal tour of Troublemaker (which shares its name and logo with Rodriguez' production company), the park is revealed as an orgy of pop gluttony, bursting with color and outrageous design and rides like the Whipper Snapper and the Vomiter that are so fast-moving, ridiculous and awe-inspiring in the potential danger they pose to their riders that you know real-life prototypes must already be in the works.  It has become a cliché in the movie business to refer to an adventure movie as a "rollercoaster ride", but SPY KIDS 2 honestly earns the sobriquet, not only being made for kids who love to be simultaneously scared and thrilled, but also being made by Rodriguez, whose mischievous sense of humor and style reveals him as a big kid at heart (he's actually 33, married to SK2 producer Elizabeth Avellan, and father of three).

Rodriguez is an unusual American director for two reasons.  Number one is that, while many directors claim to be one (or at least appear to by slapping a "A Film By" possessive credit over the opening titles), he actually does qualify for auteur status, serving as SK2's director, writer, producer, editor and cinematographer, while also composing its songs, assisting John Debney with the score, helping in the visual effects department and even designing its otherworldly sets.  If you hate this movie, there's only one guy to blame. 

The other reason is that Rodriguez may be the only studio filmmaker to turn down money.  After the original SPY KIDS shocked everyone by becoming a $200 million-plus grosser in 2001, Miramax, owner of the movie's distributor, Dimension, offered to increase the sequel's budget from $36 million to $70 million.  Rodriguez, whose first film was originally done for $7000, said no, if he had that much money, he'd be obliged to spend it, and by doing so many jobs himself and cutting the movie in his own garage in Austin, Texas, he can do the sequel for the same price as the first one, thank you very much anyway.  When you consider that SK2, with all its running and jumping and wild gadgets and deliriously loopy creatures and effects, was made for $6 million less than just the salaries of the director and three stars of the upcoming CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2, the excess and waste of Hollywood seems infuriating.  How can you not root for a movie with both a flying pig and a director who gives money back to his employer? 

The opening not only provides us with us with a pre-credits action bump (de rigueur for every spy movie since the James Bond series began) and Paxton (whose big, doofus smile is always enough to make me laugh) with an amusing, scene-stealing cameo role, but also with the movie's "McGuffin".  Before her jaunt at Troublemaker, the President's little girl (Taylor Momsen, little Cindy Lou Who in THE GRINCH) swiped the Transmooker Device from her daddy's office and, feeling neglected, is dangling from the top of the Juggler asking for a father-daughter chat with the Chief Exec.  To the rescue come the Spy Kids, Carmen Cortez (Alexa Vega) and little brother Juni (Daryl Sabata), now members of an entire branch of U.S. Intelligence stocked with kid agents.  Also to the rescue are their scene-swiping rivals, Gary (Matt O'Leary) and Gerti Giggles (Emily Osment, the spitting image of big brother Haley Joel), whose flair for self-promotion earns them the credit for the little girl's rescue.

As a result, the Cortez' father, Gregorio (Antonio Banderas), is passed over for a promotion to head their spy organization in favor of Donnegan Giggles (Mike Judge, creator of BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD), and Gary and Gerti land the Primo Assignment du Jour.  Turns out the Transmooker the junior First Lady pilfered was just a prototype.  The real Transmooker is capable of shutting down all technology and is out in the middle of the ocean somewhere.  The Giggles kids land the gig as a reward, but after some slick computer hacking and roguish "seizing of the day", Carmen and Juni, without even telling their parents, jet off to find the Transmooker, rerouting their rivals to the Gobi Desert.

The rest of the film is a preteen adventurer's dream, loaded with bottomless pits and dark caves and treasure and mythological monsters.  And to make sure the adults aren't left out (although those in touch with their inner child will already be charmed), Rodriguez adds a family subplot involving Gregorio and wife Ingrid (Carla Gugino) on a search for their missing kids, but accompanied by Ingrid's meddling but well-meaning parents, who are played by Holland Taylor (an Emmy winner for THE PRACTICE) and the great Ricardo Montalban, who at age 81 may be confined to a wheelchair, but still looks and sounds as vital as ever.

Montalban is matched in his richness by Banderas, who is a marvelously expressive performer who could be the Mexican Cary Grant if he did more comedy and whose repartee with his equally sexy co-star Gugino made me long for an adult spinoff starring their characters--a SPY PARENTS, perhaps.  Steve Buscemi channels Don Knotts as a fraidy-cat mad scientist, and Vega and Sabata, while not yet the smoothest of child performers, do seem like real kids, smarter and more advanced maybe, but refreshingly free of the arch mannerisms common to child actors in TV sitcoms.

I had a lot of fun at SK2, the rare example of a children's movie that doesn't treat them like little morons and even offers a message that seems quaint in an age when grade-schoolers carry cell phones.  Since Carmen and Juni's gadgets don't work in the area blacked out by the Transmooker, the little spies are forced to rely on their own smarts and skills ("You mean we have to use our heads?" asks Juni), discovering that a simple rubber band can be as equally effective as a submarine or a wristwatch with 125 functions.  Because of the budget and the digital photography, the visual effects aren't particularly seamless, but since Rodriguez is aiming at a Ray Harryhausen homage in his giant centaurs and swordfighting skeletons, some of them may be intentionally retro. 

Also with Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, Alan Cumming, Tony Shalhoub and Christopher McDonald.  Filmed almost entirely in Texas.  Danny Elfman composed the main theme.  Vega played the little daughter of Burt Reynolds and Marilu Henner on EVENING SHADE.

SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER (2003)--Directed by Robert Rodriguez.  Stars Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Daryl Sabara, Alexa Vega, Ricardo Montalban, Sylvester Stallone.  Children and video game players are the audience for Rodriguez' one-man-band adventure, although I think I may have finally outgrown the franchise.  Young Sabara, as former agent Juni Cortez, is left to carry this CGI-fest on his shoulders for most of the running time, and he frankly isn't up to the task.  For all the talk about family values Rodriguez preaches in SPY KIDS 3-D, it's a disappointment that parents Banderas and Gugino are kept on the sidelines until the final reel and Vega until the halfway point or so.

With his super-spy parents on assignment, Juni gets the call when his sister Carmen (Vega) become trapped within a virtual reality game created by the sinister Toymaster (Stallone).  With only nine lives and twelve hours to play with, Juni has to battle his way through a colorful virtual world all the way to Level 4, where Carmen lies in state, and beyond to the unwinnable Level 5, or else the Toymaster will succeed in his plan to control the minds of children all over the world.  Aiding Juni is his wheelchair-bound grandfather Valentin (Montalban), whose mobility and powers know little bounds in the video game universe.

For sure, Rodriguez has created a universe unlike any other, awash in bright colors, wondrous creatures and lots of movement.  Supervising the visual effects himself in his Texas studio, the auteur (he also served as writer, producer, cinematographer, composer, editor and who knows what else) managed to bring SPY KIDS 3-D in for less than half of what Hollywood normally spends on a summer blockbuster, and to his credit, all the money is on the screen.  Stallone, who appears in no fewer than five roles, and the 82-year-old Montalban appear to be having a blast, and it's a shame their gusto didn't rub off onto the many child actors, who aren't charming enough to carry a whole film (with Vega the lone exception).  Rodriguez also filmed using the old-fashioned red-and-blue anaglyph 3-D process, which works pretty well, considering it's perhaps the least effective method of shooting three dimensions for theatrical release.  Nearly everyone who ever appeared in a SPY KIDS movie comes back for this one, so keep your eyes open for bits by George Clooney, Steve Buscemi, Mike Judge, Salma Hayek, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Bill Paxton, Tony Shalhoub, Alan Cumming, Holland Taylor, Emily Osment and Elijah Wood.

SPY SMASHER (1942)--Directed by William Witney. Stars Kane Richmond, Hans Schumm, Tris Coffin, Marguerite Chapman. Spy Smasher made his debut in Whiz Comics #1, the same issue in which Captain Marvel first appeared. One year after The Big Red Cheese, as portrayed by actor Tom Tyler, appeared in his first (and only) Republic serial, THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL, Spy Smasher leapt from the four-color pages onto big screens everywhere in this 12-chapter cliffhanger by MARVEL director Witney. Its a rollicking good time as Spy Smasher (Richmond) is enlisted to stop the sabotage of Americas defense efforts by a masked Nazi agent known as The Mask (Schumm). Spy Smasher receives some welcome assistance from his twin brother Alan (Richmond again), who also occasionally dons the Smasher garb (which consists mostly of boots, goggles and a cape). Witney really came into his own as an action director with SPY SMASHER, as his wildly kinetic fight scenes are as good as any ever filmed. My favorite is the one at the pipeworks, as Alan and Spy Smasher swing from platform to platform belting the baddies and trying to avoid an ugly demise by conveyor belt. Also with Sam Flint, Paul Bryar, Robert Wilke, Tom Steele, Carleton Young, Duke Taylor, William Forrest, Carey Loftin, Yakima Canutt, Gil Perkins and other familiar Republic faces. Music by Mort Glickman.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)--Directed by Lewis Gilbert. Stars Roger Moore, Barbara Bach, Curt Jurgens, Richard Kiel. The best Bond adventure of the '70s, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME features breathtakingly huge Oscar-nominated sets by Ken Adam and a well-crafted screenplay by series vet Richard Maibaum and newcomer Christopher Wood. 007 (Roger Moore) teams up with sexy Russian spy XXX (Barbara Bach) to prevent maniacal shipping magnate Stromberg (Curt Jurgens) from destroying the world with stolen nuclear missiles and ruling it from his underwater stronghold. Stromberg is aided by one of the series' greatest villains, a seven-foot-tall steel-toothed assassin named Jaws (Richard Kiel), who survives falls, crushings, electrocution and shark attacks in indestructible fashion.

Director Lewis Gilbert, who helmed YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE ten years earlier, is quite adept at juggling the film's epic scope, lensing in nine different countries, while coaxing a smooth and surprisingly dramatic performance out of Moore, who had a tendency to walk through these things. Caroline Munro has too little screen time as sultry helicopter pilot Naomi, another of Stromberg's killers. Adam built the world's largest soundstage, the 007 Stage at London's Pinewood Studios, specifically for this picture. Marvin Hamlisch received a pair of Academy Award nominations for his dated score and the theme "Nobody Does It Better", which was a hit for Carly Simon. Also with series regulars Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewellyn, Geoffrey Keen and Walter Gotell, and Michael Billington, George Baker, Valerie Leon, Shane Rimmer, Sue Vanner, Milton Reid, Jeremy Bulloch and Robert Brown. Cinematographer Claude Renoir is the nephew of famed filmmaker Jean Renoir.

THE SPY WITH MY FACE (1966)--Directed by John Newland. Stars Robert Vaughn, David McCallum, Senta Berger, Leo G. Carroll. Actually one episode of TV's MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. series expanded to feature-length and released to theaters. UNCLE agent Napoleon Solo (Vaughn) battles his own evil twin, a THRUSH agent after plastic surgery. THRUSH, led by sexy Berger, plans to control the world with a newly developed nuclear weapon. They fail as always. Adapted from "The Double Affair".

THE SQUEEZE (1977)--Directed by Michael Apted. Stars Stacy Keach, David Hemmings, Stephen Boyd, Edward Fox, Carol White. Keach adopts a Brit accent and gets beaten up a lot as Jim Naboth, an alcoholic private investigator who investigates the kidnapping of his ex-wife. A gang of sophisticated thieves has snatched Jill (White) and her daughter in order to insure her new husband (Fox) will assist in their theft of a million pounds from his security firm. Unlike most caper films, Apted's film is more focused on character than plot, sketching brutal Irish gangster Vic Smith (Boyd) and quiet though sinister assassin Keith (Hemmings) in vivid strokes. Naboth in particular is a fascinating character--a pathetic, grotesque yet principled drunk who cares for his two sons the best he can and pursues the rescue of the woman who walked out on him out of a sense of honor. Keach is marvelous in a tough role that not only forces him to be frequently naked, but also to make a sad character someone to root for.

While the climax is both suspenseful and violent, THE SQUEEZE is a film about people, and, while not at the level of Mike Hodges's GET CARTER, it's a very good example of a tough British crime drama. Also with English comic Freddie Starr in a straight role as Keach's loyal partner, Hilary Gasson, Leon Greene, Stewart Harwood and Alan Ford. Leon Griffiths (THE GRISSOM GANG) based his screenplay on a novel by David Craig. David Hentschel composed the driving score.

THE SQUEEZE (1987)—Directed by Roger Young.  Stars Michael Keaton, Rae Dawn Chong.  Keaton was still a pretty big comedy star when this thudding comic thriller brought his career down to Earth.  I’m not sure what he saw in this agonizingly complicated and unfunny script about a plot to fix the New York state lottery with a McGuffin in a black box that falls into the arms of a con man named Harry Berg (Keaton).  Teaming with an enthusiastic young private detective (Chong), Berg fights and fast-talks his way through a series of supposedly comic misadventures with killers on his tail.  A quick box office flop that was deservedly trounced by critics, THE SQUEEZE gives the inventive Keaton very little to sink his teeth into, and the casting of mostly unknowns in the main villain roles fails to give the production any life.  Only rocker Meat Loaf as a profusely sweating assassin is even vaguely memorable, but little is done with his character; same goes for Joe Pantoliano, who disappears from the film right when it needs him.

SQUIRM (1976)--Directed by Jeff Lieberman. Stars Don Scardino, Patricia Pearcy, R.A. Dow, Fran Higgins, Jean Sullivan. Lieberman’s first feature film is a surprisingly shivery horror flick about killer worms. You heard me. Georgia locations and a game unknown cast add much-needed authenticity that helps the movie play not quite as ridiculously as it may sound. A downed electrical tower sends a charge into the ground and sends millions of earthworms into a killing frenzy. One scene shows a killer worm burrowing into a fisherman's face. Another showing the ground floor of a house filled with thousands of the little monsters is pretty creepy. Lieberman went on to make two more fondly remembered low-budget horror movies—BLUE SUNSHINE and JUST BEFORE DAWN. Music by Robert Prince.

SSSSSSS (1973)--Directed by Bernard L. Kowalski. Stars Strother Martin, Heather Menzies, Dirk Benedict. The great character actor Martin plays a rare lead role. He's a mad scientist who turns his daughter's (Menzies) boyfriend Benedict into a giant cobra! I'm not quite sure why, but he's selling his experiments to sleazy Tim O'Connor's carnival freak show. All the reptiles used in the film were real; the king cobra was imported from Bangkok, and the python from Singapore. Also with Jack Ging as the sheriff and Richard B. Shull and Reb Brown as bullies who meet their makers via Strother's snakebite deathtraps. John Chambers (PLANET OF THE APES) designed the passable snake-man makeup. By the way, the title is hissed, not spoken. From the director of ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES.

THE STABILIZER (1984)--Directed by Arizal.  Stars Peter O'Brien, Craig Gavin, Gillie Beanz, Dana Christina.  O'Brian, who may be an American actor, not that the U.S. would want to claim him, stars as Peter Goldson aka "The Stablizer."  Goldson is one of cinema's dorkiest action heroes, garbed in an array of hideous '80s-style off-the-rack duds from The Gap and capped off with a monstrously permed mullet, making him resemble the beastly love child of Kevin Cronin and the Rambo-era Stallone.  Goldson is an FBI agent sent to Jakarta to capture a ruthless druglord named Greg Rainmaker (Gavin).  The mission is a personal one for Goldson, since Rainmaker raped and murdered his fiancé seven years earlier ("He is the one who I hate the most.  I despise scum like Greg Rainmaker.").  Setting aside the fact that "Greg Rainmaker" is among the least intimidating villain names ever, Rainmaker's peculiar gimmick is the four-inch spiked cleats that he always wears, all the better to stomp a mudhole in the feet of those who piss him off.  Aiding Goldson in his mission are his partner Sylvia (Beanz), Indonesian cop Captain Johnny and Christina (Christina), the daughter of a scientist Rainmaker has kidnapped (the scientist has invented something Rainmaker wants called a "narcotics detector"--no, I don't know what it is or why Rainmaker wants it, and, hell, the movie forgets about it halfway through anyhow).

Two things make THE STABLIZER essential viewing.  Number one--the outrageous wall-to-wall violence.  THE STABLIZER is one of the most action-packed movies I've ever seen, filled to the gills with shootouts, kung fu battles, exploding cars, squibs and several dangerous stunts, looking even more so because I doubt safety was much of a factor to the stuntmen involved.  The violence is plentiful and bloody, but not gory.  The second thing is the crazy Ed-Woodian dialogue spoken by some of the world's blandest dubbing actors.  Not that anyone could make lines like "You talented bastard", "I psyched you out" and "Anybody I kill personally I always consider to be my friend" sound like normal human conversation, but they're made even funnier by the obvious dubbing.

THE STABILIZER was directed by one known only as Arizal, who is out of his mind, but obviously not untalented.  The action sequences are indeed spectacular, and made even better by Arizal's scene coverage and slight injection of camera movement.  I daresay today's action directors could learn a lesson or two from Arizal.  I know absolutely nothing about THE STABLIZER or the people who made it, except what is on the screen.  But I'm dying to know more, since for the time being, I'm obsessed with this film, so much so that immediately upon finishing it, I invited a friend to rush right over to experience it as I let it pour over me a second time.  I don't think I have ever watched a film back-to-back like that before, an indication of just how wild, loopy, insane and hilarious this crazy-ass action picture is.

Troma's DVD is presented full-frame and looks like it was taken from a videotape or VHS print (there is some slight tracking error late in the film).  Lloyd Kaufman claims in his introduction that THE STABILIZER has been digitally remastered, but that's a laugh.  The only other extras are trailers for this film (not an original one), CITIZEN TOXIE: THE TOXIC AVENGER IV and the softcore EVE'S BEACH FANTASY, as well as ads for Kaufman's book MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN MOVIE and Troma's Web site.  Did THE STABILIZER ever receive a theatrical or home video release before Troma's new DVD?  I tend to doubt it; not only haven't I heard of it, but the MPAA apparently never gave it a rating (it would receive an R, at least by '80s standards).

STACEY (1973)--Directed by Andy Sidaris. Stars Anne Randall, Alan Landers, Anitra Ford, James Westmoreland. May 1967's PLAYBOY Playmate Randall is surprisingly good as Stacey, a foxy private eye whos hired by an elderly woman to investigate the members of her household, including her gay nephew John, his nympho wife (whos having an affair with the chauffeur) and his teenage sister. The plot involves blackmail, murder, adultery, a hippie cult, a freak-out and auto racing. The bloody climax pits Stacey in a racecar tearing down a desert road with a killer-carrying copter in pursuit.

Randall has a great body, and wastes no time showing it to us, jumpstarting the opening credits by peeling off her racing suit and freeze-framing her perfect breasts. She wasn't going to compete for any Oscars, but Randall does possess an easy charm, and can at least point her gun in the right direction. Ford (THE BIG BIRD CAGE), who plays the philandering wife, also has nude scenes. Westmoreland, as the sleazy, blackmailing chauffeur Frank, was just as repulsive and greasy playing the good guy in the classic DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

Although STACEY runs a scant 81 minutes, Sidaris packs the running time with plenty of shootouts, chases and softcore sex. He formerly worked for ABC Sports, directing MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL and the Indianapolis 500, which came in handy in shooting the racing sequences at Riverside Raceway in California. By the '80s, Sidaris had improved as a filmmaker. His movies--including PICASSO TRIGGER, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII and MALIBU EXPRESS--didn't get any better, but they did display slick production values and marvelous stuntwork that belied their low-budget origins, and the women--including Dona Spier, Hope Marie Carlton and Roberta Vasquez--displayed the most startling gravity-defying bodies known to man.  Also with Marjorie Bennett and Cristina Raines (THE SENTINEL). The unexceptional score is by jazz musician Don Randi. AKA STACEY AND HER GANGBUSTERS.

STAGE TO MESA CITY (1947)--Directed by Ray Taylor.  Stars Lash LaRue, Fuzzy St. John, Jennifer Holt, Brad Slaven.  Whip-snapping Marshal Cheyenne Davis (LaRue) and comic-relief deputy Fuzzy Q. Jones (St. John) arrive in Mesa City to investigate attacks on John Watson's stagecoach line.  They're too late to save Watson, who's murdered by bandits, but not to assist Watson's daughter (Holt) and son (Slaven), who hope to attract a lucrative contract with the U.S. Postal Service.  Whoever is leading the murderous attacks clearly plans to drive the Watsons out of business and take over the mail contract, but who could it be?  Plenty of shifty-looking character actors provide the red herrings in this extremely low-budget PRC B-western.  Serial vet Taylor stretches the gunplay, whip work and fisticuffs as far as they'll go, resulting in an enjoyable hour at the movies.  You'll probably recognize much of the scenery from TV westerns.  LaRue made eight westerns as Cheyenne Davis, all with bearded St. John on hand to provide the kids with laughs.

STAKEOUT (1987)--Directed by John Badham.  Stars Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez, Madeleine Stowe, Aidan Quinn.  BEVERLY HILLS COP and LETHAL WEAPON likely inspired this funny R-rated action picture that was enough of a hit for Touchstone to do a sequel six years later (though nobody cared by then).  Dreyfuss and Estevez (his first “grownup” role) are wisecracking Seattle detectives assigned to stakeout duty after screwing up a bust in a fish market.  Violent murderer Richard Montgomery (Quinn) has broken out of prison, and the FBI thinks he may head to see his old girlfriend, Maria (Stowe), in Seattle, so Dreyfuss and Estevez are sent to stake her house out every night in case he shows.  The two leads have wonderful chemistry, and their clumsy investigative techniques and childish pranks provide most of the humor.  Stowe, making her feature debut, is warm and sweet and keeps the jaunty antics at an even keel; as the film’s most “human” character, she provides STAKEOUT its emotional center when she falls in love with Dreyfuss, whom she believes to be a nice-guy telephone repairman.  Badham and second unit director Gregg Champion (who soon returned to Vancouver to direct his first film, SHORT TIME) offer up a couple of good chases and stunt sequences that don’t clash much with the light comedy, though some may feel the opening is a bit too violent for a comedy.  STAKEOUT did well at the box office, but audiences didn’t much care when Badham, Dreyfuss, Estevez, Lauria, composer Arthur Rubenstein and screenwriter Jim Kouf returned (with Rosie O’Donnell!) for 1993’s ANOTHER STAKEOUT.

STALAG 17 (1953)--Directed by Billy Wilder. Stars William Holden, Don Taylor, Otto Preminger, Peter Graves, Robert Strauss, Harvey Lembeck, Neville Brand. Tense World War II film about life in a German POW camp was the prototype for many others to come, including THE GREAT ESCAPE, VON RYAN'S EXPRESS, and especially the TV series HOGAN'S HEROES. Holden won a Best Actor Oscar as a cynical smooth-talking POW who is not above a little wheeling-and-dealing to make life a little more comfortable for himself. His barracks-mates--including Graves, Lembeck and Brand--look down on Holden for what they consider to be siding with the enemy. Their ostracism turns to downright hatred when they suspect Holden of being a spy for Nazi commandant Preminger. Film is mostly a comedy, especially during the first half, as we see how American soldiers amuse themselves to stay sane under such awful living conditions. During the second half, when we discover the spy's true identity, the comedy mostly disappears, and the suspense begins. Wilder also co-wrote the screenplay based on an award-winning play. This film, along with SUNSET BOULEVARD a few years earlier, turned Holden into a major movie star.

STAND BY ME (1986)--Directed by Rob Reiner. Stars River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, Jerry O'Connell, Kiefer Sutherland. Whimsical coming-of-age comedy about four twelve-year-old boys off on an adventure to find a dead body supposedly abandoned in the woods. Their journey leads to moments of fear, humor and sadness, including a run-in with bully Sutherland and a near-fatal accident involving a traveling locomotive. All four boys give realistic performances, thanks to Reiner's smooth direction. Cameos by John Cusack and Richard Dreyfuss. Based on a short story by Stephen King.

STANLEY (1972)—Directed by William Grefé.  Stars Chris Robinson, Alex Rocco, Steve Alaimo.  Unfortunately for me, the only thing Indiana Jones and I have in common is that we both hate snakes.  Even though Florida-based filmmaker Grefé’s slithery scare movie isn’t very good, its slimy-looking stars practically guarantee a few squirmy moments.  Chris “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on GENERAL HOSPITAL” Robinson is very good as Tim, a Native American Vietnam vet plagued by headaches who shuns the white man’s world and survives in a rustic cabin in the Everglades, where he collects rattlers for medical research.  He also adopts several of them as friends, naming his best pal, which he takes everywhere, Stanley.  As much as Tim digs snakes, most people hate them, particularly nasty Thomkins (Rocco) and his bigoted henchman Crail (Alaimo), who hunt them and skin them for Thomkins’ clothing line.  When a crazed ‘Nam vet who loves rattlers meets racist capitalists in a chintzy Bill Grefé joint, you know plenty of chomping is on the way.

Probably best remembered for one character’s animated pool splashing with a few dozen water moccasins, STANLEY is too slow and meandering for most horror fans, even though it was a smash hit for Crown International, which released it a year after Cinerama’s WILLARD became one of the highest-grossing independent horror films ever.  Robinson’s contemplative and fearless (as regarding his snake handling) performance is terrific, as is Grefé’s eye for swampy locations.  Gary Crutcher’s screenplay is unfocused and doesn’t develop its late-in-the-game twist into COLLECTOR territory.  Also with Mark Harris, Susan Carroll, Paul Avery, Marcia Knight and Crutcher, who obviously wrote Avery’s part as a pill-popping heavy for himself, but ended up playing a doctor.  STANLEY played double bills with NIGHTMARE IN WAX and CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, among other films.

THE STAR CHAMBER (1983)--Directed by Peter Hyams.  Stars Michael Douglas, Hal Holbrook, Yaphet Kotto, James B. Sikking, Sharon Gless.  Audiences mostly ignored this pre-ROMANCING THE STONE action movie with a sloppy Roderick Taylor script.  It doesn’t try to say anything about vigilantism or the justice system.  Rather, Hyams serves up an empty thriller with an intriguing premise and decent performances.  A liberal young judge (Douglas) becomes frustrated when crooks and killers are allowed to go free on technicalities.  Old mentor Holbrook recruits him into a secret vigilante group made up of fellow magistrates, who hire a hitman to assassinate the freed felons.  It all goes awry when the group targets two innocent men for assassination, and Douglas must endanger his own life to save theirs.  Hyams never bothers to explain how this group of public figures manages to keep the “star chamber” a secret, nor how they’re able to hire an assassin, particularly one who keeps his mouth shut.  Kotto is little more than a deux es machina, while Sikking registers strongly in a somewhat silly role.  Also with John DiSanti (KING FRAT), Joe Regalbuto, Don Calfa, Larry Hankin, Jason Bernard and Charles Hallahan.  Music by Michael Small.

STAR 80 (1983)--Directed by Bob Fosse. Stars Mariel Hemingway, Eric Roberts, Cliff Robertson, Carroll Baker, David Clennon. Engrossing and unpleasant biography of PLAYBOY playmate Dorothy Stratten (Hemingway), who was murdered by her jealous boyfriend Paul Snider (Roberts). Story chronicles Dorothy's rise from Vancouver ice cream vendor to movie star, with sleazy Snider riding her coattails every step of the way. Robertson plays PLAYBOY publisher Hugh Hefner. May too disturbing for some, but it's well-acted and well-directed by Fosse (ALL THAT JAZZ). Also with Jordan Christopher, Josh Mostel and Keenan Ivory Wayans. Hemingway underwent a well-publicized breast enlargement for the many nude scenes called for in the script.

STAR SLAMMER (1986)--Directed by Fred Olen Ray.  Stars Sandy Brooke, Susan Stokey, Ross Hagen, Marya Gant.  Just one look at the title card bearing the incomprehensible THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA: PRISON SHIP: STAR SLAMMER should give you an indication of the sloppiness in store.  Tough chick Taura (Brooke) is captured by a vicious bounty hunter (Hagen) and sentenced to an all-woman prison spaceship ruled by leather fetishist warden Exene (Gant).  The victim of a very low budget and even less imagination, STAR SLAMMER is mainly a bunch of hot women talking shit to each other and occasionally getting into a tamely choreographed fight.  The visual effects are stock footage from DARK STAR (also produced by Jack H. Harris) and BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS, and the alien creature from THE DEADLY SPAWN shows up in an arena battle.  Little violence, less nudity and no sex make this dull SF movie not among Ray’s best, even though his usual repertory company of Hagen, Stokey, Dawn Wildsmith, Aldo Ray, Richard Hench, Bobbie Bresee and John Carradine make appearances.  Carradine’s footage was shot at a different time and only lasts a few seconds.