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X--THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (1963)--Directed
by Roger Corman. Stars Ray Milland, Diana van der Vlis, Don Rickles. With more money for special effects, this could have
been a really good thriller. As it is, it stands as one of Corman's best SF movies as a director. Milland gives an excellent
performance as Dr. James Xavier, who is carving new paths in optical research. When his grant money is in danger of being
yanked, he tests his new eyedrops on himself, and discovers he has the ability to see through walls, book covers, clothing,
etc. After being accused of murder in the accidental death of a colleague, Xavier hits the road, hiding out for awhile in
a traveling circus, breaking the bank in Vegas, and finally, after losing complete control of his new power to see all the
way to Heaven, losing his sanity. Sadly, the optical effects are too cheaply done to be of any interest, but the script is
smarter than usual for a Corman film, and Rickles is good as Xavier's boss in the sideshow. Music by Les Baxter. Also with
Harold J. Stone, Jonathan Haze and Dick Miller.
THE X-FILES (1998)--Directed by Rob Bowman. Stars
David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Martin Landau. A $60 million continuation of the hit TV series starring Duchovny and Anderson
as well-dressed FBI agents assigned to "The X-Files", investigating cases involving the paranormal. In the series, Duchovny
plays Fox Mulder, who, as a boy, witnessed his sister's abduction by aliens, and has devoted his life to finding the truth
about extraterrestrials and the U.S. Government's attempts to cover up their existence. Anderson is his partner, auburn-haired
Dana Scully, a medical doctor and scientist who was originally assigned to debunk The X-Files, but, despite her inherent skepticism,
has come to accept and believe some of Mulder's less far-out theories.
The film picks up where the series' fifth season
left off with Mulder and Scully taken off The X-Files and assigned to terrorist detail in Dallas. When an explosion destroys
an office building, Mulder uncovers a sinister government plot involving aliens, an underground cave in North Texas, bees
and a deadly virus that could destroy all life on Earth. As a fan of the TV series, I liked the movie quite a bit. The script
by series creator Chris Carter is intelligent and complex, the direction by Bowman is slick and fast-moving with a lot of
scope, and Duchovny and Anderson are smart, sexy leads. Some of the special effects and action scenes are neat too. Landau
has a nice role as a conspiracy-minded gynecologist who becomes Mulder's latest Deep Throat.
Also with Blythe Danner,
Glenne Headly, Terry O'Quinn, Lucas Black, George Murdock and series regulars Mitch Pileggi (as Mulder and Scully's boss),
William B. Davis (as the Cigarette-Smoking Man), John Neville (as the Well-Manicured Man) and Dean Haglund, Tom Braidwood
& Bruce Harwood as the Lone Gunmen. Mark Snow's music score is not up to his standards on the TV show, despite a big 80-piece
orchestra. Some of the grisly makeup effects were done by the KNB Group. Director Bowman had helmed 25 of the TV episodes
before being chosen to make the franchise's first feature film. Many of the TV shows have been released on videotape and DVD.
THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE (2008)—Directed
by Chris Carter. Stars David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet, Xzibit. Ten years after
the first mildly successful film and six years after the cancellation of the innovative Fox TV series, THE X-FILES returns
with a moody thriller set in bleak, wintry West Virginia (but filmed in British Columbia). The FBI recruits former agents
Mulder (Duchovny) and Scully (Anderson) to investigate the disappearance of a female agent and the discovery of body parts
buried in the snow. Agents Peet and Xzibit bring in the duo because of their familiarity with the supernatural.
In this case, a pedophile priest (Connolly) claims to have psychic visions of the kidnapping, and in fact led the bureau to
the first missing limb. But is he really psychic or is he the killer?
Criticism that the movie is little more than an expanded TV
episode is invalid, considering the show was responsible more than any other for bringing feature-level production values
to weekly television. Although lacking in spectacle (it has only one real action sequence), THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
holds interest through its creepy atmosphere and the strong relationship between Mulder and Scully, who have graduated over
the years from professional partners to personal ones. Both Duchovny and Anderson are extremely good together, and it would
be a shame if they’re never paired on-screen again. I don't think Carter was the series' best writer or director,
but his direction of the film was much better than I expected, and thankfully he allowed his stars room to breathe in their
lengthy dialogue scenes. Any comparisons to Bergman would not be too far offbase, what with its quietly intense dramatics,
dreary atmosphere and heady discussions about science vs. religion. It’s sort of the anti-blockbuster and got
a raw deal being released in July, one week after THE DARK KNIGHT.
Nice (albeit late) use of series regular Mitch Pileggi, but
it would have been nice to see Robert Patrick and Annabeth Gish, who joined the TV show after Duchovny’s departure (he
returned in several guest appearances), instead of Amanda Peet and Xzibit, if only for old time's sake. Music by Mark
Snow. Carter and Frank Spotnitz collaborated on the screenplay.
X-MEN (2000)--Directed by Bryan Singer. Stars
Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Halle Berry, Famke Janssen, Bruce Davison, James Marsden, Anna Paquin, Ray Park,
Tyler Mane, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. One of Marvel Comics' most venerable super-groups comes to the big screen for the first
time in this entertaining but not entirely successful adventure. Originally created in 1963 by Stan Lee and the late Jack
Kirby, the X-Men were made up of teenage mutants--humans born with super-powers, as opposed to others like Spider-Man and
the Fantastic Four who received their powers through contact with radiation--and led by the wheelchair-bound Professor Xavier,
who teaches the kids how to use their heightened powers to fight evil. Although other talented writers and artists such as
Gary Friedrich, Don Heck, Roy Thomas, John Buscema and Neal Adams applied their considerable skills to the X-MEN comic, it
was never a big seller, and was canceled in 1970. Five years later, writer Chris Claremont and artist Dave Cockrum, among
others, revived the title, adding new characters and dropping others. This time, the book took off with audiences, and by
the 1990s, THE UNCANNY X-MEN had become Marvel's number-one seller.
Singer and scripter David Hayter have taken a
few liberties with the source material, but have mostly stayed true to the theme developed by Lee and Kirby nearly forty years
ago, which is fear of persecution and tolerance for those different from us. Although the main characters are mutants, its
easy to read them as homosexual, African-American, Jewish or any other group that has been oppressed over the years. The movie's
main villain, Magneto (McKellen), is in fact a Jew who was separated from his mother in a Polish concentration camp in 1944.
The scenario, set in the not too distant future, finds Magneto and his henchmen--super-strong Sabretooth (Mane), agile
Toad (Park, Darth Maul from STAR WARS: EPISODE I--THE PHANTOM MENACE) and sexy shape-shifter Mystique (supermodel Romijn-Stamos)--plotting
to turn the world's leaders into mutants using an elaborate mechanical device hidden inside the Statue of Liberty's torch.
U.S. lawmakers, led by McCarthy-esque Senator Kelly (Davison), is considering a bill which would require mutants--much like
sex offenders--to register with the government. Despite pleas for tolerance by mutants such as telekinetic Dr. Jean Grey (Janssen),
public opinion is very much in Kelly's favor. Xavier compiles a group of his best students to stop Magneto's plan, including
Grey; Cyclops (Marsden), who fires destructive blasts from his eyes; Storm (Berry), a beautiful white-haired woman who can
control the weather; Rogue (Paquin), the group's youngest member, who can steal the life-force of anyone she touches; and
Wolverine (Jackman), who's blessed with great strength and stamina and can eject metal claws from his knuckles.
X-MEN's
greatest flaw is that it has too many characters to develop and not enough time devoted to its plot. At only 104 minutes,
Magneto's evil plan seems almost an afterthought; I'm not sure so much time needed to be spent on the X-Men's origin--information
that could have been transmitted via dialogue or short flashbacks. Almost nothing is learned about Storm, Cyclops, Jean Grey
or Magneto's gang, and their crimefighting prowess seems pretty lame stacked next to Magneto and his henchmen.
Still,
give Singer and company credit for taking a serious approach to a genre usually relegated to cheapjack productions (the unreleased
THE FANTASTIC FOUR), bloated excess (BATMAN & ROBIN) and camp (the '60s BATMAN TV series). Magneto's backstory, criticized
by many reviewers upon the film's release, is marvelously related in a powerful prologue, and much time is spent developing
a sensitive sibling-like relationship between Rogue, who has seemingly runaway from her middle-class Mississippi home, and
wandering amnesiac Wolverine. In fact, Jackman, a relative newcomer to films, and Paquin, an Oscar winner for THE PIANO, deliver
the film's best performances, with veterans Stewart and McKellen close behind. The other actors really don't have a lot to
do besides fight and pose in their leather outfits. Romijn-Stamos should receive a special good sport award for appearing
in what must have been an uncomfortable outfit consisting mostly of yellow contact lenses and blue body paint.
On
the list of the greatest comic-book adaptations, 1978's SUPERMAN and Republic's 1941 serial THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL
come out on top. X-MEN certainly makes the Top Ten--perhaps the Top Five--although that says more about Hollywood's lame attempts
(CAPTAIN AMERICA? THE PUNISHER? JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA?) than the merits of X-MEN. Action scenes mainly consist of stuntmen
flying through the air and into walls, while Michael Kamen's toneless score blares incessantly. However, I look forward to
a sequel, which will undoubtedly provide more comic book-type thrills without those pesky character introductions getting
in the way.
Fans of the comic will appreciate brief appearances by Iceman, Kitty Pryde, Pyro, Jubilee and Marvel Publisher
Stan Lee as a hot dog vendor. Also with appearances by executive producer Tom DeSanto, writer Hayter, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin
Rushton and Rhona Shekter. SUPERMAN director Richard Donner and his wife Lauren Shuler-Donner were executive producers. Filmed
almost entirely in Canada.
X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006)--Directed by Brett
Ratner. Stars Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen. I missed the first sequel, but this one
is the first X-MEN not to be directed by Bryan Singer, who defected to Warners to do SUPERMAN RETURNS. In the hands
of Ratner (and cloddish Fox execs who pushed this one into production early in order to beat Singer’s superhero saga
into theaters), X-MEN 3 is pretty dumb and sloppy. Once again, the young mutant heroes mentored by wheelchair-bound
psychic Professor Charles Xavier (a perfectly cast Stewart) are forced into action against arch nemesis Magneto (McKellen),
who invades an Alcatraz Island laboratory to destroy a “cure” for mutants. Jackman and Berry are back as
Wolverine and Storm, respectively. Anna Paquin is Rogue, and Famke Janssen is the late Jean Grey, back from the grave
as Phoenix. Kelsey Grammar joins the series as Dr. Hank McCoy, an erudite man covered in blue fur.
There are a lot of characters running around--way too many of them--with
little time for development. I did, however, like many of the performances. Halle Berry remains a poor actress, but Grammar,
Stewart, Josef Sommer, Ellen Page, Michael Murphy and Paquin are very good. McKellen is the only actor who knows he's making
a comic book movie and acts appropriately. Famke Janssen only glowers. Hugh Jackman is basically a hole on the screen; I used
to think this guy was going to be the next Mel Gibson, but, at this point, he'll be lucky to be the next Thomas Ian Griffith.
What was the last good movie (not titled X-MEN) that Jackman starred in? Oh, yeah, I think it was DOES NOT EXIST.
The score is mediocre, but not as bad as Michael Kamen's earglob
in X-MEN. The script is unoriginal and doesn't hold together well. I never understood what Magneto's problem was. So someone
invented a "cure." No mutant was being forced to take it, and since it was established that the government was kindly towards
mutants, there was no chance of it becoming mandatory. And why shouldn't a mutant be able to take it if he/she wanted to?
This was an interesting ethical question that the movie barely touches upon, aside from a Kelsey Grammar line of dialogue.
The visual effects were mostly better than I expected, particularly the fight sequence at the Grey house and the floating
of the Golden Gate.
And how many mutants are there? And not one of them duplicates powers?
And, amazingly, there are no ordinary-looking mutants. Boo hoo. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who has superpowers, particularly
when he/she looks like a movie star. You're telling me that, Beast...ahem, sorry...Hank McCoy aside, there are no ugly mutants?
Or is Professor X...ah, darn, did it again...Professor Xavier prejudiced against fatties?
I've always believed that making a movie about superheroes, but
setting it in our "real" universe is an idiotic idea; the two just don't mix. There's a good reason why comic book sales have
dropped dramatically over the past few decades. It used to be that the top-selling comics sold 1 million copies. Now the best-seller
is, what, 80,000? My opinion is that the people who make comic books are actually ashamed of their jobs, and unnecessarily
stretch to make their work seem "adult." This carries over to Hollywood, where makers of superhero movies go to great lengths
to not make superhero movies. If you notice, nowhere in this movie do the characters wear bright costumes or refer to themselves
as superheroes, and the word "X-Men" occurs only once, I believe. X-MEN: THE LAST STAND is an adequate timewaster at
best. It was fun to see Stan Lee in a cameo, but next time, just let him write the damn thing too. Also with Rebecca
Romijn, James Marsden, Vinnie Jones, Shawn Ashmore, Ben Foster, Bill Duke and Shohreh Aghdashloo.
XTRO (1983)--Directed by Harry Bromley-Davenport.
Stars Philip Sayer, Bernice Stegers, Danny Brainin, Simon Nash, Maryam d'Abo. It's well known that horror movies of
the early 1980's were highly influenced by the successful slashers HALLOWEEN and FRIDAY THE 13TH, which led to dozens of similar
stalk-and-slash movies that promoted gore and bloody makeup effects over story. It's easy to forget that science fiction
movies from that period also often suffered from the same fixation, although they were usually ripping off ALIEN instead of
FRIDAY THE 13TH. Films like INSEMINOID (U.S. title: HORROR PLANET), GALAXY OF TERROR, FORBIDDEN WORLD, ALIEN CONTAMINATION
and others delivered gore fans the goods all right, spraying the screen with all sorts of icky, gooky special effects.
Besides INSEMINOID, Great Britain's most notorious contribution was XTRO, one of the sickest and most outrageous SF movies
of the era. Combining a domestic story of a man reunited with his wife and son after being missing for three years with
incredibly tasteless displays of alien rape, XTRO spawned two direct-to-video sequels, although neither matches the shock
value of the original.
While playing with his young son Tony (Nash) at their cottage in
the English countryside, Sam Phillips (Sayer) vanishes in a bright beam of light that flashes out of the sky. No one
believes Tony's story of Sam's disappearance, and it's assumed that he merely walked out on his family, never to return.
Three years later, Tony is living in London with his mother Rachel (Stegers); her new live-in boyfriend, Joe (Brainin), a
photographer; and sexy French nanny Annalise (future Bond Girl d'Abo in her film debut). Afflicted with periodic nightmares
about his father's abduction, Tony seems less surprised than everyone else when Sam returns, claiming no memory of where he's
been the past three years.
It's no mystery to us, since co-writer/director Bromley-Davenport
makes us privy to Sam's "rebirth" in a jawdroppingly tasteless scene showing a scary, slimy four-legged monster raping and
impregnating in her kitchen a woman whose tummy then blows up to the size of a Volkswagen before blood, ooze and a fully grown
Sam begin squirting out of her uterus. I'd love to hear actor Sayer explaining on a DVD commentary track how he got
into the mindset of a gore-soaked creature chomping through his own umbilical cord while spurting from between an actress'
open legs. Sam does a lot of other weird things to convince us he's an alien, although it's possible that isn't the
sickest, since he also sucks down the eggs of Tony's pet snake and teaches his boy how to bring his toy Army man and midget
clown to life so they can strike down his enemies.
Solidly performed with stiff upper lips by an English cast who sure
are good sports, XTRO made headlines for its graphic alien miscegenation, although it was a pretty popular theme in exploitation
movies at that time (think poor Taaffe O'Connell in Roger Corman's GALAXY OF TERROR). Five writers combined to create
XTRO's confusing screenplay, which perhaps doesn't hold much water in the logic department, but also isn't dull, delivering
one incredible shock after another. XTRO isn't particularly scary, but it's awfully amazing in terms of just how far
it will go to deliver something crazier than what we've already seen. It may not work as SF, but it's one heck of a
geek show. Filmed in and around London, and released in the U.S. by New Line Cinema. Reportedly, British audiences
saw a different ending than the shocker attached to U.S. home video (and presumably theatrical) prints.
XTRO II: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER (1991)--Directed
by Harry Bromley-Davenport. Stars Jan-Michael Vincent, Paul Koslo, Tara Buckman, Nicholas Lea. One could make
a case that "drunken Jan-Michael Vincent movies" were a special sub-genre of exploitation movie during the '80s and '90s.
In ALIENATOR and HIT LIST, for instance, the former AIRWOLF star is quite visibly plastered during his scenes. In an interview
in SHOCK CINEMA, director John Flynn claims Vincent was an alcoholic during shooting of DEFIANCE in 1979, saying that the
popular '70s leading man was insecure about his acting ability.
Vincent had some box-office cachet after CBS cancelled AIRWOLF,
which found independent producers of low-budget movies eager to hire him, whether he could do the job or not, simply because
they could be sure that his name in the cast list would produce sales. When British director Harry Bromley-Davenport was hired
by some Canadian producers to make an "in-name-only" sequel to 1983's XTRO (New Line owned the film and characters, but Bromley-Davenport
owned the word "XTRO"), Vincent, about whom the director candidly states "I didn't like him,", was already part of the deal.
Just so you know, XTRO II: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER has absolutely nothing
to do with XTRO and everything to do with ALIENS, which probably inspired as many lame ripoffs as ALIEN did. Paul Koslo (MR.
MAJESTYK) and Tara Buckman ("Brandy" from THE MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO) play scientists heading up a top-secret underground
laboratory. Their group has discovered a way to travel to a parallel dimension, but when they send humans for the first time,
only one of the travelers returns.
Under the gun from their government financiers to achieve positive
results, Buckman suggests that the project's founder, played by Vincent, be brought in to help, but Koslo, who has a personal
beef with the man, says no. Vincent joins the group anyway, along with a platoon of soldiers who are armed to enter the parallel
dimension and search for more survivors.
That trip never happens after some sort of strange, slimy monster
with big teeth rips its way out of the chest of the lone survivor and stalks the dark passageways and air ducts of the massive
facility, ripping and tearing apart the inhabitants one by one. Yes, I know you've seen this movie before, we all have.
I suppose that if you absolutely must watch a movie about a giant
slimy monster traipsing through dark hallways munching guys with guns, XTRO II would suffice. That is, if ALIENS, CREEPOZOIDS,
ALIEN TERMINATOR, MIND RIPPER yada yada yada are all rented out. X-FILES fans may enjoy a prominent supporting performance
by Nicholas "Krycek" Lea. There's a bit of gore, but nothing particularly juicy. Certainly there's little excitement or originality.
But it does have a drunk Jan-Michael Vincent. It's obvious that
he was in no shape to learn lines, and Bromley-Davenport confirms my suspicion that the director was standing behind the camera
giving line readings and Vincent was merely reciting them back. His voice is gravelly, and he sometimes slurs, so who knows
what he's saying much of the time. A lot of his dialogue is off-camera, presumably so they could patch takes together. You
can sort of see why he continued to get acting jobs, though. He was never a strong actor, but he did have that intangible
"something" that made you want to look at him. And he kinda still does in XTRO II. Or maybe it's just the alcohol.
XTRO: WATCH THE SKIES (1995)--Directed by
Harry Bromley-Davenport. Stars Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Robert Culp. THE X-FILES is more of an influence on this
second sequel than Bromley-Davenport's 1983 original XTRO. He and writer Daryl Haney (who also plays a supporting role)
have an interesting gem of a concept, but inadequate production values and a colorless cast do little to enhance it.
Marine demolitions expert Martin Kirns (Landi) is assigned, against his will, a squad of screw-ups to accompany him on his
latest mission. According to Pentagon liaison Fetterman (Divoff), the military plans to use an island 200 miles off
the coast of San Diego as a refueling station. During World War II, it was used as an internment camp for Japanese-Americans,
but has been abandoned for fifty years. Kirns' job is to defuse any explosive devices that may have been left over.
Of course, several seasons of watching Fox Mulder constantly being screwed over by the U.S. government has trained us to know
that every word that comes out of Washington, D.C. is a lie, so it's no surprise to learn that the deserted island holds a
few secrets for Kirns' men to discover. Mainly, a seriously cheesed-off alien that crashed its spaceship in Arizona
during the 1950's and was taken by the American military to the island to be experimented upon. It's still holding a
grudge after five decades and sets its sights on Kirns and his squad, who have been hung out to dry by their superiors.
I like the clever premise, but a couple of slow opening reels and
too many unconvincing visual effects keep XTRO 3 from reaching the entertainment level of its mentor. It's too bad Bromley-Davenport
couldn't have been more consistent, because much of the material works. The creature itself looks awfully creepy in
some shots, and footage of an alien autopsy, shown completely without sound, is quite capable of raising goosebumps.
Unfortunately, Haney's simpleminded dialogue contains too many clichés spoken by characters who are hardly believable as Marines,
including a lesbian, a pothead and a psycho. Landi, who plays few if any feature leads, and Divoff handle the acting
chores solidly if unexceptionally, but the rest of the cast is simply fodder to be covered in slime and gore. Culp somehow
handles his one-day cameo as Landi's boss with typical aplomb, struggling as he does against a skimpy budget that places his
office in the middle of a huge empty hangar! Also with Jim Hanks (Tom's look- and sound-alike brother), Karen Moncrieff
(director of the acclaimed BLUE CAR), Lisa London and Al Ruscio. The very familiar locations are courtesy of the Iverson
Ranch. XTRO II: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER stars Jan-Michael Vincent as a dimension-hopping scientist who battles an alien
terror.
THE YAKUZA (1975)--Directed by Sydney Pollack.
Stars Robert Mitchum, Brian Keith, Takakura Ken, Richard Jordan. Members of the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia, kidnap Keith's
daughter. Keith enlists the aid of his friend Mitchum to go to Japan and rescue her. Pollack's forte isn't directing exciting
action scenes, but the acting is understated, and the screenplay by Paul Schrader and Robert Towne is nicely shaded. Also
with Herb Edelman and James Shigeta. From the director of TOOTSIE.
YEAR OF THE DRAGON (1985)--Directed
by Michael Cimino. Stars Mickey Rourke, John Lone, Ariane, Raymond J. Barry. Another ponderous hodge-podge by hack director
Cimino. Maverick New York cop Rourke tries to clean up Chinatown and put ruthless mob boss Lone out of business. He teams
up and falls in love with pretty Chinese TV reporter Ariane. The action scenes are exceptional, but Cimino's story is dull,
and Ariane is a terrible actress. None of the Chinatown scenes were shot in New York, but on sound stages at producer Dino
De Laurentiis studio in North Carolina.
YELLOW SUBMARINE (1968)--Directed by George Dunning. Stars
the Beatles (kind of). Terrific animated fantasy finds the evil Blue Meanies threatening to invade the peaceful Pepperland.
The Beatles use their music (12 songs) to defeat them. The visuals are truly dazzling, the witty script contains plenty of
one-liners, and the Beatles' songs are terrific. Unfortunately British actors dub the Beatles' voices, even though the real
musicians show up in a live-action cameo at the end. Co-written by Erich Segal (LOVE STORY). Music by George Martin.
THE YESTERDAY MACHINE (1963)--Directed by Russ
Marker. Stars Tim Holt, James Britton, Jack Herman. 1963's THE YESTERDAY MACHINE wasn't made in Hollywood, but
rather Texas, which also was the home of notorious schlockmeister Larry Buchanan, who gave us so-called classics like MARS
NEEDS WOMEN and ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES (sic). Buchanan was quite likely an associate, a partner or even a mentor
to Russ Marker, who wrote, produced, directed and composed songs for THE YESTERDAY MACHINE, a very talky and slow-moving science
fiction movie that isn't completely uninteresting.
Howard, a male college cheerleader, and his baton-twirling girlfriend
Margie (she shakes her hips and twirls to some groovy rock-and-roll while Howie works on his car) break down on a country
road and cut through the woods to find help. They're astonished to run into two men dressed in Civil War gear who shoot at
them. Howie takes a slug in the back and collapses back on the road, but Margie completely disappears.
Jim Crandall (James Britton), an obnoxious, wisecracking newspaper
reporter anxious to get away on his first vacation in three years, is convinced by his boss to poke around the scene of the
shooting and find a story. Lieutenant Partane (former B-movie cowboy star Tim Holt) isn't much help, so Jim fetches Margie's
sister Sandra (Ann Pellegrino), a nightclub singer, to explore the woods with him. While fleeing an attacker, the two pass
through some sort of warp that deposits them in the 18th century, where they encounter a horseman who confuses Jim's lighter
for witchcraft.
Another "poof" and Crandall and Sandy appear in the workshop of
Professor Ernst von Hauser (Jack Herman), a Nazi who escaped the fall of the Third Reich and is continuing his experiments
more than twenty years later in the basement of an abandoned old house in Texas! Astonishingly, Crandall isn't surprised to
see von Hauser, since Partane had miraculously just told him a story of invading a concentration camp at the end of World
War II and seeing the results of von Hauser's time experiments. What a coincidence.
Prof. von Hauser sends his two Nazi lackeys and his Egyptian female
slave to lock Sandy up with Margie, while he delivers what is simultaneously the movie's highlight and lowlight. Actor Herman's
acting is way out of control as he goes on for what seems like hours, plowing his way through pages and pages of technical
dialogue that is supposed to sound scientific, but is really just gibberish. Considering
himself to be more brilliant than Einstein, von Hauser even scribbles his formulas on the blackboard while Jim scratches his
head and the audience fights sleep. I don't know what Marker was thinking in piling all this deadly exposition into one clump
that must consist of at least ten minutes of screen time. Maybe he thought we'd be fascinated by his scientific acumen, as
if we'd really believe he might have something to this time machine thing.
The time machine itself consists of a bank of cheap metal computer
equipment on the wall, a regular wooden chair, and four glowing light poles around it. Besides the brief appearance of the
Rebel soldiers and that quick spin to 1787, Marker never uses the time machine. Instead of creating some creative romps through
time, Marker merely writes an easy escape for Jim and the women from their cells and has Jim blast their way out of the lab,
which opens to a trapdoor located in the house's backyard cemetary.
Shot in black-and-white with an original music score that popped
up a few years later in Buchanan's classic ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS, THE YESTERDAY MACHINE gets points for ambition, but
loses some for its inert middle act and Marker's failure to provide any dramatic punch, even on his miniscule budget. It's
still no worse and maybe even a little better than the more famous Buchanan's handiwork--a backhanded compliment, to be sure.
YETI (2008)—Directed by Paul Ziller.
Stars Carly Pope, Marc Menard, Peter DeLuise. The level of intelligence and wit in Rafael Jordan’s screenplay
is obvious early in YETI, when you learn a college football quarterback is named Peyton Elway (Menard). The airplane
carrying Elway’s team to play a bowl game in Japan crashes in the Himalayas. While the students, which also include
team manager Sarah (Pope), try to decide whether or not to eat their dead classmates, an angry Yeti picks them off.
Nepal looks a lot like British Columbia, and the kids handle their snowy surroundings quite well, considering they’re
wearing less clothes than I do on a trip to the grocery store in March. HILL STREET BLUES’ Ed Marinaro shows up
long enough to be dispatched in the first ten minutes, while 21 JUMP STREET’s DeLuise comes to the rescue as the head
of the Himalayan Rescue Association! The visual effects are even worse than the script; I can live with the man-in-the-suit
stuff, but the CGI used to show the yeti in motion are below video game standards. Premiered on the Sci-Fi Channel as
YETI: CURSE OF THE SNOW DEMON before its 2009 DVD release. Like most of these crummy Sci-Fi Channel movies I’ve
seen, YETI is watchable and adheres strictly to the rules the network lays down to all of its filmmakers, which explains the
pointless prologue that shows the monster immediately to keep viewers from changing the channel, as well as the stupid twist
ending. The DVD contains some gore, yet language, even “Godforsaken,” is censored. From the director
of ANDROID APOCALYPSE and SNAKEHEAD TERROR.
YETI: THE GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY (1977)--Directed
by Gianfranco Parolini. Stars Antonella Interlenghi, Jim Sullivan, John Stacy, Edoardo Faieta, Tony Kendall, Mimmo Crao.
Hot on the heels of KING KONG was this laughable giant-monster movie made by Italians in Canada. Benevolent scientist
Professor Henry (Stacy) discovers a 50-foot abominable snowman frozen in a block of ice and, on orders from his employer,
a tycoon named Honeycutt (Faieta), thaws him out while suspending him hundreds of feet in the air in a TARDIS dangling from
a helicopter. Of course, once on firm ground, the Yeti (played by Crao covered in brown fur) goes crazy and escapes,
befriending Hunnicutt's beautiful granddaughter (Interlenghi, billed as "Phoenix Grant") and mute grandson (Sullivan) in the
process. Obviously, this leads to scenes of Interlenghi being held in a fake-looking animatronic hand, Crao climbing
and crushing unconvincing miniatures, and lots and lots of really bad blue-screen photography. Kendall (THE THREE FANTASTIC
SUPERMEN) stands in the background looking oily as an assistant of Henry's who betrays the group and is eventually crushed
beneath a smelly brown foot--basically, Kendall is playing the Charles Grodin part. If it didn't have so many dull stretches,
YETI would be a trash-movie classic. However, I think the lame special effects and loopy screenplay contain enough camp
moments to make YETI worth a look. Also known as YETI--IL GIGANTE DEL 20. SECOLO. Wait 'til you hear the theme
performed by...The Yetians!
YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE (1982)--Directed
by Antonio Margheriti. Stars Reb Brown, Corinne Clery, John Steiner, Alan Collins. This extremely funny fantasy
shot in Turkey stars Brown (CAPTAIN AMERICA) as Yor, a rugged and very blond warrior who teams up with lovely cavegirl Clery
and irascible old man Collins to fight an evil overlord (Steiner). Actually, there's much more to it than that, since
YOR is a condensed version of an Italian TV miniseries. Like a Republic serial, Yor leaps from one dangerous situation
to another without looking back, meeting ape-men, pterodactyls, dinosaurs and even robots with lasers! We eventually
learn that Yor is really from the future. If you aren't cracking up at the dialogue or special effects, you'll certainly
get a kick out of Yor's using a dead giant bat as a hangglider. Clery, who had previously been in MOONRAKER, is scrumptious
in her teensy outfit. I assume credited composers Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis wrote the laugh-inducing theme song.
YOU AND ME (1975)—Directed by David Carradine.
Stars David Carradine, Barbara Hershey, Richard Chadbourne, Bobbi Shaw, Gary Busey. In his directorial debut, Carradine reveals
himself as an exceedingly bright and sensitive filmmaker with a strong visual sense and good musical taste. He favors long
takes and naturalistic acting, perhaps to accommodate the non-professional performers that make up much of the supporting
cast. When his child actor flubs a line, Carradine keeps the scene going, wisely realizing that it makes the filmed moment
more real.
The ragged road movie casts Carradine as Zito, a taciturn biker
who befriends a 9-year-old boy named Jimmy (Chadbourne), and details the unlikely couple’s journey on Zito’s 1974
Harley up the Pacific coast. Both are on the run—Zito from a barroom brawl that left a participant (played by Carradine
brother Keith) dead and Jimmy from home. The two male stars have a nice, easy rapport that keeps the film breezing along where
the meandering story doesn’t. Carradine also resurrects AIP Beach Party dancer Shaw as a lonely farm widow who hires
Zito to do chores outside and in. A personal project for Carradine, YOU AND ME co-stars his brothers Keith and Robert in small
roles and girlfriend Hershey as a waitress. Also with Bob Phillips, Dennis Fimple, Lynne Moody, a nice Oregon cop, and the
guy at Larry’s Bike Shop. Music by the Carradine brothers, Ramblin’ Jack Elliott, and Carl Perkins.
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)--Directed by Lewis
Gilbert. Stars Sean Connery, Mie Hama, Donald Pleasence, Karin Dor, Robert Hutton, Charles Gray. James Bond (Connery for the
fifth time) travels to Japan where SPECTRE head Blofeld (Pleasence) has hidden stolen nuclear missiles in his giant volcano
headquarters. Some clever gadgets include a miniature helicopter that Bond puts together himself! The SPECTRE volcano set,
designed by Ken Adam, is truly awesome. Music by John Barry. Theme performed by Nancy Sinatra. From the director of THE SPY
WHO LOVED ME.
YOUNG DOCTORS IN LOVE (1982)--Directed by Garry Marshall. Stars Michael McKean,
Sean Young, Dabney Coleman, Harry Dean Stanton. Marshall's first feature was this AIRPLANE!-like spoof of medical dramas.
McKean stars as a squeamish doctor involved with a sexy intern (Young), a lecherous hospital administrator (Coleman) and other
assorted nutcases. Much of the humor deals with bodily functions and other scatological subjects. Mostly funny
though, with a few clever sight gags. Also with Hector Elizondo, Patrick Macnee, Michael Richards, Crystal Bernard,
Ted McGinley, Saul Rubinek, Taylor Negron, Frank Pesce, Ed Begley Jr., Hamilton Camp, Frank Campanella, Richard Dean Anderson,
Monique Gabrielle and Pamela Reed. Look for cameos by real-life soap stars John Beradino, Steven Ford, Michael Damian,
Stuart Damon, Chris Robinson, Jamie Lyn Bauer, Jackie Zeman, Janine Turner, Susan Lucci and even Demi Moore! Not surprisingly
given Marshall's background, writers Rich Eustis and Michael Elias penned sitcoms. Music by Maurice Jarre.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974)--Directed by
Mel Brooks. Stars Gene Wilder, Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle, Teri Garr, Cloris Leachman. Brooks's best film is this black-and-white
sendup of the 1930s Universal horror classic. Brooks even dug out some of the sets and props from the original movie. The
one-liners are fast and furious, but the comedy is unusually (for a Brooks film) underplayed and the pace is less frenetic.
Wilder is the mad scientist, Feldman his humpbacked assistant Igor (whose hump keeps changing sides), and Boyle the monster.
Great cameo by Gene Hackman as a blind hermit who befriends the crude monster. Script by Brooks and Wilder.
YOUNG
GUNS (1988)--Directed by Christopher Cain. Stars Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Charlie
Sheen. It's a bit difficult to believe these pampered "Brat Packers" as rough, tough cowboys, but the shootouts are slickly
directed, and should keep action fans happy. Estevez is Billy the Kid; he and his gang run into all kinds of trouble during
the New Mexico range wars of 1878. Also with Dermot Mulroney, Casey Siemaszko, Terence Stamp, Terry O'Quinn, Brian Keith,
Patrick Wayne and Jack Palance. The director is the stepfather of TV Superman Dean Cain.
YOUNG LADY CHATTERLY
II (1984)--Directed by Alan Roberts. Stars Harlee McBride, Sybil Danning, Alexandra Day, Adam West, Monique Gabrielle.
I haven't seen the 1976 original, but this one stars McBride (wife of comic Richard Belzer and a semi-regular on his NBC series
HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET) as a horny rich heiress. It's an R-rated soft porn feature, and is really only worth seeing
because of the novelty of seeing Adam West in such a vehicle. He doesn't participate in any sex scenes, but stumbles around
as a dotty professor-type and interrupts other sex scenes. Lots of nudity in this one.
YOUNG MAVERICK: DEAD MAN'S HAND (1979)--Directed
by Hy Averback. Stars Charles Frank, Susan Blanchard, John Dehner, Donna Mills, James Woods, Alan Fudge, Harry Dean
Stanton. About a year after ABC aired THE NEW MAVERICK, a feature-length pilot starring James Garner as Bret Maverick,
the Western scoundrel he played on the '50s series MAVERICK, and Frank as his nephew Ben, CBS picked up the series with Frank
in the lead, titling it YOUNG MAVERICK. Although breezy and likable enough, Frank was no Jim Garner and the show was
cancelled after six airings (being scheduled against REAL PEOPLE didn't help). DEAD MAN'S HAND was the two-hour episode
that introduced the series (sort of a "second pilot"), but CBS inexplicably buried it late in the show's run, making for some
confusing continuity (such as Dehner's character not knowing who Ben is, even though he had already been established as the
young gambler's friendly rival).
After helping a pretty widow (Mills) fight off a pair of male attackers,
Ben is invited up to her ranch for Sunday dinner, much to the disapproval of her stepbrother Amos (Fudge). On the way,
Ben is sidetracked by a high-stakes poker game, where Ben's elderly friend died during a hand, leaving nearly his entire estate-including
his poker hand-to Ben. With at least $20,000 in the pot, the local sheriff, Edge Troy (Dehner), locks the entire poker
table-chips, cards and all-inside a cell until Maverick can be located, much to the consternation of hot-headed cowhand Tasker
(Woods), who wants the money, even if he has to kill Ben to get it. Maverick also must contend with red-haired romantic
interest Nell (Blanchard), who has come to town posing as the niece of the late old guy to con Ben out of a portion of his
winnings.
If you don't expect anything as good as the old MAVERICK series-or
even Garner's THE ROCKFORD FILES, which was, in many ways, a contemporary remake-this "movie" is light, airy fun. Frank
and Blanchard, who were married in real life, having met when they were both regulars on ALL MY CHILDREN, are a cute couple
and seem to have fun working together. Of course, any time such idiosyncratic performers as Woods and Stanton get to
work together, there's a good chance of something interesting happening. Stanton, in particular, playing a hired assassin
named Pokey, is a great example of a talented actor taking a part that was probably nothing on paper and making something
quite memorable, despite just a smidge of screen time. Woods snarls it up well too-good training for one of Hollywood's
great screen crazies. Action fans won't find a lot here, although vet helmer Averback (who also directed THE NEW MAVERICK)
nicely mixes the humor and gunplay.
Also with Howard Duff, John McIntire, George Dzundza and Betsy Slade.
Nice score by Lee Holdridge includes a dreamier version of David Buttolph's original MAVERICK theme. Although YOUNG
MAVERICK vanished quickly, the MAVERICK legacy continued in 1981 when BRET MAVERICK, a one-hour series starring Garner, debuted
on NBC. It was cancelled after one season. In 1994, Garner starred in MAVERICK, a big-budget feature remake directed
by Richard Donner (LETHAL WEAPON) and starring Jodie Foster, James Coburn and Mel Gibson as Bret.
THE YOUNG NURSES (1973)--Directed by Clint Kimbrough.
Stars Ashley Porter, Angela Gibbs, Jean Manson. Actor Kimbrough, who appeared in New World Pictures' NIGHT CALL NURSES,
got a chance to direct the followup to Roger Corman's series of films about three sexy nurses and the soapy situations they
get themselves into. While blond Kitty (Manson) messes around with a young sailor pushed by his wealthy father to risk
his health competing in a regatta, black Michelle (Gibbs) stumbles onto a drug ring, and brunette Joanne (Porter) finds her
career threatened when she oversteps her boundaries as a nurse, ordering a medical procedure that results in the death of
a patient. Thankfully, all three ladies find the time to shed their clothing, whether to make love in a hospital supply
closet or just to run naked on the beach in deep thought. Along with PRIVATE DUTY NURSES, THE YOUNG NURSES is among
the worst of New World's NURSES series, which also includes THE STUDENT NURSES, NIGHT CALL NURSES and CANDY STRIPE NURSES.
Even though scripter Howard Cohen has tossed in a gratuitous serial killer, a drug-fueled orgy, an attempted rape and an uncomfortable
scene in a free clinic where a woman performs a pelvic exam upon herself, Kimbrough lacks both the directorial wit and accomplished
cast needed to juice up the proceedings. While Manson, for instance, resembles drive-in queen Candice Rialson, she lacks
the charm and presence of the CANDY STRIPE NURSES star. Dick Miller, director Sam Fuller, Sally Kirkland, Nan Martin,
Mantan Moreland and M*A*S*H's Allan Arbus make up the kinky supporting cast.
THE YOUNG RACERS (1963)—Directed by Roger
Corman. Stars William Campbell, Mark Damon, Luana Anders. Corman actually went to Europe to shoot this colorful
melodrama, transporting all his equipment from location to location in a small minibus. Most interesting about it today
is the participation of a young Francis Ford Coppola, who not only plays a bit part, but also served as Corman’s soundman
(oddly, since it appears as though no sound was actually recorded on location). After Corman returned to the U.S., he
allowed Coppola to keep some of the YOUNG RACERS’ cast and crew to direct DEMENTIA 13 in Ireland.
Corman regular Campbell (BLOOD BATH) plays racecar driver Joe Machin,
an arrogant womanizer who pisses off former driver Steve Children (Damon) by seducing Steve’s fiancé. To get even,
Steve befriends Machin under the pretext of writing his biography, but all along he plans to compete against Joe in a race
and run him off the road. Campbell’s brother, R. Wright Campbell, wrote the screenplay and acts in the film as
Machin’s bitter brother. Brother Campbell’s script is melodramatic and not terribly original, but through
the use of judicious cutting and camera placement, Corman turns it into a watchable drama. It was probably a good idea
at the time, but very distracting is Corman’s decision to loop all of Damon’s dialogue with William Shatner.
Shatner’s distinctive voice coming out of another actor’s head adds a touch of surreality to Corman’s straightforward
action drama. Also with Patrick Magee, John McLaren, Beatrice Altariba and Christina Gregg. Music by Les Baxter.
THE YOUNG SWINGERS (1963)—Directed by Maury
Dexter. Stars Rod Lauren, Molly Bee, Jo Helton. Formulaic teen musical about some enterprising youths who open
a small nightclub that serves coffee and folk/pop music and the mean landlord (Helton) who wants to break their lease so she
can put up a big office building on the property. Fortunately for the club owners, the landlord’s pretty niece
(Bee) falls in love with Mel (Lauren), the club’s manager and main singer. Many of the 70 minutes consist of squeaky-clean
songs performed by Lauren, Bee, Jack Larson (not the ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN actor) and Karen Gunderson and John Merritt as
a folkie duo. The story and characters are nothing new, but at least the actors are attractive and game. Gene
McDaniel (“100 Pounds of Clay”) does several numbers too. Also with Justin Smith, Jack Younger and Jerry
Summers. Dexter and writer Harry Spalding collaborated on a dozen B-pictures, including POLICE NURSE, SURF PARTY and
THE DAY MARS INVADED EARTH.
Z CHANNEL: A MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION (2004)—Directed
by Xan Cassevetes. Z Channel sounds like it must have been incredible, if one is a film fan. Seen only in the
Los Angeles market, Z was a pay cable station that was probably the first in the United States to run feature films uncut
and commercial-free (and perhaps letterboxed too, but the film isn’t clear). Its programming tastes ran from arty
late-night “Skinemax” fare to commercial blockbusters to never-before-seen “director’s cuts”
of misunderstood flops like HEAVEN’S GATE and ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA. In that regard, at least, Z Channel
appears to have been ahead of its time.
Jerry Harvey was the young programming executive who made Z Channel
a Hollywood phenomenon, and he’s the focus of Cassevetes’ documentary. Shockingly, Harvey murdered his wife
and then killed himself in 1988, leaving a litany of friends, admirers and colleagues behind to tell his story, including
critic F.X. Feeney, who wrote for the Z Channel’s monthly program guide; directors Robert Altman, Quentin Tarantino,
Henry Jaglom, Jim Jarmusch and Alexander Payne; Doug Venturelli, who collaborated with Harvey on the screenplay for CHINA
9, LIBERTY 37; and many others.
It’s a bit overlong, but Cassevetes does a nice job mixing
talking heads with delicious film clips and cutaways to pages from the program guide, which must have been a real trip to
get in the mail each month. I would have preferred a bit more about the channel and less about Harvey, who appears to
have been somewhat of an enigma, even to his friends. Also with James Woods, Theresa Russell, Alan Rudolph, Penelope
Spheeris and even Jacqueline Bisset.
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO (2008)—Directed
by Kevin Smith. Stars Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, Jason Mewes, Jeff Anderson, Craig Robinson, Traci Lords, Katie Morgan.
First, you have to believe that a woman as funny and pretty as Elizabeth Banks would be so desperate for dough that she’d
have sex with Seth Rogen. Once you’ve swallowed that, ah, ZACK AND MIRI still doesn’t work. Writer/director Smith
is really stretching for naughty laughs, and his trademark dialogue doesn’t work coming out of Rogen’s mouth.
Twentysomething slackers and platonic roommates Zack (Rogen) and Miri (Banks) decides to make a pornographic movie to pay
their back rent. Familiar romantic entanglements ensue. Smith repertory actors Anderson and Mewes and real porn actresses
Lords and Morgan join Judd Apatow actors Rogen, Banks, and Robinson in Smith’s worst film that lacks the wit and originality
of his earlier work. Making fun of the poor acting and writing in adult movies is a tired subject that was handled more gracefully
and humorously in THE AMATEURS with Jeff Bridges. Also with Tisha Campbell, Justin Long, Brandon Routh, Tyler Labine, and
Tom Savini.
ZAPPED! (1982)--Directed by Robert J. Rosenthal.
Stars Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Felice Schachter, Heather Thomas. ZAPPED! is sort of a Disney movie with boob inserts.
Before they became an electrifying comedy team on CHARLES IN CHARGE (sheeeeyaaaaaaahhh), Scott Baio (HAPPY DAYS) and Willie
Aames (EIGHT IS ENOUGH) starred in this tame high-school comic fantasy that would have been more interesting if it had the
edge that its 1-sheet promises. Baio is a science nerd with big glasses who has an accident in the school lab and wakes up
to discover he can move things with his mind. His best pal Peyton (Aames), who is inexplicably the coolest stud on campus,
wants to use Baio's new powers to get rich cheating in Vegas. Scott does ensure that his baseball team wins its last game
of the season (their only win), but otherwise wants to stay straight and narrow. He finds this is a better way to attract
cute school journalist Felice Schachter (THE FACTS OF LIFE), while the sleazy Aames hooks up with hottie Heather Thomas (THE
FALL GUY) and takes photos of them having sex.
All you would have to do is remove the insert shots of a few
topless women, and ZAPPED! could easily be a PG. Strangely, the closing crawl carries a disclaimer stating that Heather Thomas
used a body double for her character's nude scenes. On a list of Super '80s TV Hotties, Heather would be near the top, and
it's a great disappointment that she doesn't pop her top in this movie. I'm not sure I'll ever recover from it. ZAPPED! is
not terribly funny or original. It cribs its climax from CARRIE, and doesn't go far enough on the raunch scale. It does contain
a pair of very strange scenes--one where Baio imagines a bunch of tiny STAR TREK characters inhabiting his toy spaceship and
another where Scatman Crothers gets high and hallucinates that he and Albert Einstein are on horseback being chased by Redd
Foxx's batty Aunt Esther, who shoots salami at him with a bazooka. Also with Robert Mandan, Roger Bowen, Corinne Bohrer, Sue
Ane Langdon, Rosanne Katon, Eddie Deezen and Jewel Shepard. ZAPPED AGAIN! was the sequel with only Langdon returning.
ZARDOZ
(1974)--Directed by John Boorman. Stars Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sara Kestleman, John Alderton. A visually impressive
but overly pretentious bore. Connery (wearing a droopy mustache and a red codpiece) is Zed, an "exterminator" in the year
2293. He seeks to expose the secret of the great god Zardoz, which appears as a giant flying stone head. Confusing screenplay
features Eternals, Apathetics, Brutals, the Vortex, the Outland, etc. Burt Reynolds was originally to play Connery's role;
Connery even physically resembles Reynolds here. Film is way too serious for its, and your, own good.
THE ZEBRA KILLER--See PANIC CITY.
ZERO IN AND SCREAM (1970)--Directed by Lee
Frost. Stars Michael Stearns, Dawna Rae. This sick roughie by the director of THE THING WITH TWO HEADS runs barely
an hour. Handsome Stearns seems to have a problem with women. He spies on couples having sex, and then shoots
the male lover in the head with a high-powered rifle. He hangs out at a Hollywood strip joint called the Classic Cat,
where one of the dancers (Rae) invites him to a party at her place. He goes and watches everyone else have sex.
After one guy does it with a chick on the couch, he tells Stearns to beat it and then does Rae in her pool. Stearns
pulls out his rifle, climbs into the hills and kills him at climax. There's more sex and more shooting until another
guy with another rifle shoots Stearns. The end. Something Weird Video's print may be shorn of a few minutes, but
there's probably not much more to ZERO than that. At least the women are attractive, but my tolerance for simulated
sex scenes, even as graphic as ZERO's, is pretty low. Frost, who also served as his own cinematographer, was credited
as "Les Emerson".
ZERO TOLERANCE (1994)--Directed by Joseph
Merhi. Stars Robert Patrick, Titus Welliver. Flying cars, flying glass, flying bullets and flying people make
a strong presence in this PM Entertainment actioner that is neither one of the company's best nor among its worst. FBI
agent Jeff Douglas (Patrick) goes from straight arrow to straight shooter when his wife and kids are gunned down by a cokehead
druglord named, believe it or not, Ray Manta (Welliver). Manta is one finger of a national drug cartel calling themselves
"The White Hand", which owns over one-fourth of the U.S.'s narcotics market. Douglas considers them guilty by association,
and sets out to enact vigilante justice on Manta and the other four members of the Hand. Screenwriter Jacobsen Hart
has done better work on other PM movies, although there are occasional indications of ZERO's sense of humor, most notably
Manta's moniker and the film's finale, in which a main character is killed off with barely an "oh well" from everyone present.
Or maybe when Patrick drives a car clear through an exploding helicopter, only to emerge unscathed on the other side.
Or when the Hand members, who telecommunicate with one another on TV screens, actually turn to "look" at the others like in
the opening credits of THE BRADY BUNCH. Merhi, who with Richard Pepin also produced ZERO, handles the extensive action
scenes like a pro (even if his actors still don't know enough to find cover when someone is shooting at them), and Patrick
manages some nice dramatic moments in between gunfights. Also with Miles O'Keeffe, Mick Fleetwood, Kristen Meadows,
Jed Allan and Billy Hufsey. Music by John Gonzalez.
ZIGZAG (1970)--Directed by Richard A. Colla.
Stars George Kennedy, Anne Jackson, Eli Wallach. Big George is sympathetic in this laid-back thriller as a man dying of a
brain tumor who frames himself for the kidnapping and murder of a millionaire whose case was never solved so his family can
collect the reward money. His plan goes awry when, after his conviction and sentence, he is cured! Escaping from custody,
Kennedy goes on the run to find the real killer before police shoot him. Film benefits from some neat camerawork and good
performances, especially by Kennedy and Wallach as his Italian lawyer. Also with Steve Ihnat, William Marshall, Dana Elcar,
Joe Maross and an uncredited Vic Perrin. Music by Oliver Nelson.
ZODIAC (2007)—Directed by David Fincher.
Stars Mark Ruffalo, Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr. Speaking as somebody who was scared shitless by the Robert Graysmith
book about the Zodiac killings when it came out in the late 1980s, David Fincher's ZODIAC is a terrific example of a riveting
story well told. Most appreciated is Fincher's directorial restraint in terms of camera gimmickry and flashy editing. Just
point the camera at the actors, and let them perform the words. ZODIAC is also a perfect example of the way that CGI should
be used in movies. It's there, around the edges, an excellent tool for filling in edges and completing backgrounds.
ZODIAC is an amazingly detailed reconstruction of the investigation
of a series of strange murders that targeted the San Francisco area beginning in the late 1960s. A killer who called
himself Zodiac held the city in fear, not just because of his murders, but also a series of well-publicized letters and ciphers
that he mailed to the police and to the local newspapers, which gave them front-page coverage. The main characters are
Inspector Dave Toschi (Ruffalo), the San Francisco policeman in charge of the case; Paul Avery (Downey), the San Francisco
Chronicle’s main crime reporter; and Graysmith (Gyllenhaal), who was the Chronicle’s political cartoonist who
parlayed his curiosity and his yen for puzzles into an obsession with the Zodiac that continued long after everyone else had
given up looking for the killer.
As well-acquainted with the Zodiac's history as I am from Graysmith’s
books, it was very strange to actually see on-screen events that I have read about and thought about many times. I believe
that Graysmith's account of the attacks on Cecilia Shepard and Bryan Hartnell is one of the spookiest I've ever read, and
to see it actually occurring in a dramatic fashion brought a shiver. Almost everything Fincher does in ZODIAC is precisely
as I imagine it really was. Not that he doesn't Hollywood things up a bit. Handicapped by the fact that, outside of
the killings that occur in the film's first half, the Zodiac story has little action or suspense, Fincher creates at least
one probably false setpiece to keep us on our toes. That's Graysmith's visit to Bob Vaughn's house, where Fincher has Vaughn
acting unnaturally creepy in order to raise some goosebumps. I don't recall if that's how Graysmith described it in his book,
but even so, it all rings phony in the film.
It's been written that ZODIAC seems influenced by ALL THE PRESIDENT'S
MEN, and I'd have to agree. Not only is much of the movie set in a 1970's newspaper office, but David Shire was hired to compose
the (sparse) score. As few directors are clamoring for Shire to score their films (even though much of his '70s work is terrific),
I have to believe Fincher's choice of composer is no accident. The attention to period detail is almost perfect; the
calendar at Lee Allen's hardware store reads February 1980 (it's supposed to be 1983), and I bought the same shower brush
hanging in the Graysmiths' bathroom at Wal-Mart last month, but just about everything else rings true. Also with Anthony
Edwards as Toschi’s partner, Brian Cox as Melvin Belli, Chloe Sevigny, Elias Koteas, Dermot Mulroney, Donal Logue, Candy
Clark, John Terry, John Getz, John Carroll Lynch as Arthur Leigh Allen (Graysmith’s prime suspect), James LeGros, Charles
Fleischer, Adam Goldberg, Clea DuVall and an unbilled Ione Skye (father Donovan’s “Hurdy Gurdy Man” indelibly
signals Zodiac’s approach) as Kathleen Johns.
THE ZODIAC KILLER (1971)--Directed by Tom
Hanson. Stars Hal Reed, Bob Jones. A mysterious serial killer who called himself Zodiac terrorized the San Francisco
area in the late 1960s and early '70s, taunting police with a series of odd messages and ciphers. He was never caught,
and, to this day, his identity is unknown. It's unlikely Zodiac was anything like the sweaty, overacting antagonists
of THE ZODIAC KILLER, which may have been made partially to smoke out the real killer, whom it was imagined couldn't resist
showing up at a theater to see a film about his exploits. Initially, director Hanson presents two suspects: Satan-worshiping
mailman Jerry (Reed) and bald misogynist Grover (Jones). While Grover gets his kicks by donning an ill-fitting toupee
and swinging all night with a bevy of delicious chicks, Jerry is content to stay at home with his pet rabbits ("Why are evil
humans allowed to live, when an innocent rabbit must die?"). One of the suspects is eliminated early, leaving the other
to roam the city murdering complete strangers on a whim. He stabs a pair of lovers next to a lake, shoots a cabbie in
the head, bops an old lady with a spare tire... ZODIAC is funnier than it is frightening or thought-provoking, and its
crude production values and atrocious performances make it definitely worth a look-see. For some reason, a real-life
San Francisco Chronicle reporter who was involved in the investigator lent his name to the production.
ZOMBIE DEATH HOUSE (1987)--Directed by John Saxon.
Stars Dennis Cole, Anthony Franciosa, John Saxon. Saxon is a popular and good actor who has made a prominent mark in
genre movies and cult fare since his 1955 film debut. But on the basis of ZOMBIE DEATH HOUSE, his debut behind the camera,
he isn't much of a director. Saddled with a ridiculously convoluted backstory that appears to have been cobbled together
in post-production, Saxon delivers TV-level visuals and ripe performances, albeit with occasional flashes of stylish violence.
Derek (Cole), a chauffeur for mobster Vic Moretti (Franciosa), is framed for the murder of Vic's mistress and sent to prison,
where he and the other inmates are victims of illicit government experiments, led by unscrupulous Col. Burgess (Saxon), that
turn them into "zombies". They aren't technically zombies, but victims of a virus that turns them violent and excessively
strong (although some are seen chewing on human prey). Nothing much resembles the world that you and I live in, and
not even a finale filmed in Bronson Canyon can add spice to this horror/prison flick. Cole, a fixture on '70s TV shows,
didn't act much in film after this. Also with Tane McClure (daughter of Saxon's THE UNFORGIVEN co-star Doug McClure),
Ron O'Neal, Dana Lis, Alex Courtney and Michael Pataki. Originally released as DEATH HOUSE; the "ZOMBIE" was added by
Fred Olen Ray for the Retromedia Entertainment DVD release.
ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)--Directed by Jack
Bravman. Stars Adam West, Tia Carrere, Jon-Mikl Thor. Pretty bad Canadian-made horror film about a musclebound metalhead (Thor,
whose band provided the score) who is killed by a bunch of obnoxious teenagers. His mother recruits a voodoo priestess to
bring him back to life, and Thor spends the rest of the movie shambling, drooling and killing off the teens one by one. West
(in one of his worst roles) is a corrupt police detective. Tia is hot, but doesn't have much screen time; her prominence in
the credits probably means the film wasn't released until after she became famous.
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS! (2008)—Directed by
Jay Lee. Stars Robert Englund, Jenna Jameson. I suppose it’s damning the movie with faint praise to say
that ZOMBIE STRIPPERS delivers exactly what it promises. Writer/director Lee spends a lot of screen time showing silicone-enhanced
women dancing nude, and even more on CGI-enhanced zombie action. It’s wittier than you’d expect, garnering
chuckles with anti-Bush satire. If you’re not a fan of intentional comedy mixed with horror, I doubt whether it’s
possible to make a straight gore movie about zombie strippers. I don’t know if I’d watch it again, but ZOMBIE
STRIPPERS delivers the boobs and blood in buckets.
In the not-too-distant future, a government virus intended to
produce undead supersoldiers gets loose in a small Nebraska town and affects the dancers at the strip joint down the street
from the secret lab. After the first stripper, Kat (porn star Jameson, whose plastic surgery has made her face look
only slightly less frightening than her zombie makeup), is turned and starts chomping on the customers, sleazy owner Ian (an
entertainingly hammy Englund) declines to alert the authorities, because zombies apparently make sexier strippers.
Kat’s brazen, bloody dancing attracts more dollars than
ever, which entices the rest of Ian’s dancers to become zombies for more stage time. Eventually, as the number
of zombie strippers and horny male victims rise, a special commando force created solely to battle zombies—the Z Squad—shows
up to blast the muthas into gory puddles.
ZOMBIES OF THE STRATOSPHERE (1952)--Directed
by Fred C. Brannon. Stars Judd Holdren, Aline Towne, Wilson Wood, Lane Bradford. No zombies but lotsa fun in this Republic
chapterplay that reprises the Commando Cody, Sky Marshal of the Universe character from KING OF THE ROCKETMEN and RADAR MEN
FROM THE MOON. This time it's Holdren as Larry Martin wearing the familiar Rocketman suit, flying all over the desert in pursuit
of purple-jumpsuited Martians (a whole three of them) who have come to Earth to blow it up so that Mars can move into our
cushy and comfortable orbit around the sun. Marex (Bradford), the head Martian, teams up with a traitorous American scientist
and a pair of typical serial heavies to accomplish his mission. Most of the dialogue and plot points seem charmingly campy
today, Towne as Martin's assistant has absolutely nothing to do (she doesn't even need rescuing) and much of the stock footage
from previous Republic cliffhangers becomes distracting, but ZOMBIES is 12 chapters of action-filled fun, and is a must of
serial fans. STAR TREK fans should check out a 21-year-old Leonard Nimoy as a Martian named Narab, who doesn't garner a lot
of screen time, but is the last villain left standing at the climax. Also with Stanley Waxman, Tom Steele, Dale Van Sickle,
John Crawford and Jack Shea. Was re-edited and released in feature form as SATAN'S SATELLITES (there's no character named
Satan, and there're no satellites in it at all).
ZONE TROOPERS (1985)--Directed by Danny Bilson.
Stars Tim Thomerson, Timothy Van Patten, Art LeFleur, Biff Manard. Screenwriters Bilson and Paul DeMeo, whose TRANCERS
was a big smash for director Charles Band and his Empire Pictures, got to write, produce and direct this silly but entertaining
follow-up. It pays homage to old-fashioned World War II clichés while adding a sci-fi spin. A platoon of American
G.I.’s, led by the tough-as-nails Iron Sarge (Thomerson), encounter a wrecked spaceship behind enemy lines in Italy.
The friendly aliens are captured by Nazis, so Thomerson and his boys, including Italian lug Verona (Van Patten), loyal Mittens
(LeFleur) and war correspondent Dolan (Manard), jump in to help. Thomerson, LeFleur and Manard were in TRANCERS together,
and the veteran character actors look like they’re having a good time carrying the picture. Executive producer
Band could have donated more money to the production, but it’s a good debut for Bilson. He and DeMeo went on to
create THE FLASH (with Thomerson guest-starring in the pilot), THE HUMAN TARGET and THE SENTINEL for television. His
daughter Rachel now stars in THE O.C. Music by Richard Band.
ZONTAR, THE THING FROM VENUS (1966)--Directed
by Larry Buchanan. Stars John Agar, Tony Houston, Susan Bjurman. I'm amazed at how the world's worst filmmakers
always seem to have their defenders. I've yet to see a Buchanan film that was competent on a technical or dramatic level,
but if you look hard enough, you can find somebody who's convinced that the Texas-based director was actually good at his
job. Poor deluded bastard.
American International Pictures recruited Buchanan to shoot this
and several other features for about $25,000 apiece in and around Dallas. All were remakes of previous AIP hits.
In this retread of IT CONQUERED THE WORLD, scientist Keith (Houston, playing the Lee Van Cleef role) discovers a method of
communication with a Venusian named Zontar that's bent on Earthly domination. His friend Curt (Agar in the Peter Graves
part), who thinks Zontar's statical speech sounds like progressive jazz, thinks Keith is full of poppycock. To prove
otherwise, Keith becomes Zontar's lackey, selecting the town's prominent citizens and their wives to become victims of the
Venusian's mind control, which it maintains by sending bat-shaped puppets on strings to sting them in the backs of their necks.
While Roger Corman's 1956 original is no classic, it at least had
some good performances and a memorable blowtorch finale filmed in Bronson Canyon. Not even Agar can lend any excitement
to Buchanan's inert direction or script, and the cheapness of his production extends to Zontar's "cave" hideout, which is
partially portrayed by an obvious concrete viaduct! I suppose Buchanan could use his miniscule budget as an excuse,
but I'm sure Corman didn't have a whole lot more to spend, and his film is much more professional and fun than this one.
But what more do you expect from the director of IN THE YEAR 2889? Also with Neil Fletcher (a vet of several Buchanan
bombs), Pat Delaney and Bill Thurman.
ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE (1981)--Directed by
Peter Medak. Stars George Hamilton, Lauren Hutton, Brenda Vaccaro, Ron Leibman. Hamilton gives a surprisingly humorous performance
in a dual role as the macho son of the legendary Mexican hero and his effeminate brother. When the manly Hamilton becomes
to busy to act as Zorro, the brother is forced to take up the mask and cape, and battle the evil forces of tyrannical ruler
Leibman. Obviously this adventure is played mostly for laughs; the cast is spirited, and, despite some obvious gay humor,
this broad spoof is pretty good.
ZORRO VS. MACISTE (1963)—Directed by Umberto
Lenzi. Stars Pierre Brice, Alan Steel, Maria Grazia Spina, Moira Orfei. AIP released this Italian import in the U.S. with
a Les Baxter score and a new title: SAMSON AND THE SLAVE QUEEN. Who the slave queen is and why AIP didn’t think Zorro
was a marketable name are questions for the ages.
Like a typical Marvel comic of the era, this colorful adventure
pits our two heroes as adversaries until their miscommunication clears, and they team up to battle the film’s true villain.
King Philip of Nogara dies on a faraway island. He has left his crown to one of his two nieces: virtuous blond princess Isabella
(Spina) or bitchy brunette Malva (Orfei). His guards are carrying his will, sealed inside a leather case, to the palace. Malva
dispatches Maciste (Steel) under false pretenses to intercept the will and bring it to her, so she can replace it with one
naming her as the new queen. Isabella recruits Zorro (Brice) to get the will first, so her uncle’s true wishes can be
carried out.
How two heroes from different eras and backgrounds ended up in what
appears to be 16th century Spain is beyond me, but who cares? Despite their games of one-upmanship, the two foes respect one
another, and when Maciste is tossed into a cell with a hungry (and horribly fake) gator, Zorro comes to his rescue. Lenzi’s
flat direction prevents the swashbuckling from becoming as rousing at should be, but the material alone is worth some thrills.
ZORRO'S FIGHTING LEGION (1939)--Directed by William
Witney & John English. Stars Reed Hadley. Legendary masked swordsman Zorro (Hadley) enters a small Mexican
village in his civilian identity as foppish Don Diego de la Vega to find out who is threatening the natives in an attempt
to become emperor of Mexico. Clad in gold armor and calling himself Don del Oro, the villain passes himself off as a
god, all the better to frighten the natives into acting as his slaves. Republic delivers 12 snappy chapters of flaming
arrows, floods, runaway elevators, shootouts, swordfights, avalanches, exploding barns and many more deathtraps, plenty to
keep action fans on the edges of their seats. Hadley is a dashing Zorro, although the lack of Latin actors or even Caucasian
actors attempting Mexican accents may throw you off. It's pretty distracting to see middle-aged white guys calling each
other Pablo and Manuel in their Midwestern accents. ZORRO also offers a rousing musical score by William Lava that was
reused several times by Republic. Also with Carleton Young, Sheila Darcy, C. Montague Shaw, John Merton, Yakima Canutt
and Clayton Moore.
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