T-Force-Terminal Velocity

Marty's Marquee

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |

T-FORCE (1995)--Directed by Richard Pepin. Stars Jack Scalia, Erin Gray, Bobby Johnston. Energetic SF actioner that borrows heavily from THE TERMINATOR and ALIEN NATION. The Terminal Force is a special branch of the Los Angeles Police Department: four super-strong, indestructible robots (or "cybernauts", as they're called here) that are called in when extra firepower is called for. After a hostage situation goes bad, mayor Gray (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) demands the T-Force's destruction. Reasoning that self-preservation is more important than upholding the law, three T-Force members escape with plans to kill all officials involved in the order to shut them down. Hotshot cop Scalia, who hates robots (think James Caan in ALIEN NATION), must team up with "good" cybernaut Kane (Johnston) to stop them. All the buddy-cop clichés are present, along with a high body count and plenty of PM-style explosions. Also with Evan Lurie, Deron McBee, Jennifer MacDonald, Martin E. Brooks and Vernon Wells. Scalia also served as associate producer, as he also did on PM's DARK BREED and THE SILENCERS.

T-MEN (1947)--Directed by Anthony Mann. Stars Dennis O'Keefe, Mary Meade, Alfred Ryder, Charles McGraw, Wallace Ford. Cinematographer John Alton is the real star of this hard-hitting documentary-style noir, which casts light leading man O'Keefe against type as Treasury agent Dennis O'Brien, who is sent undercover to ferret out a squad of counterfeiters. O'Brien and partner Tony Genaro (Ryder) pose as Detroit thugs to build their street cred, then head to Los Angeles in pursuit of an oily informer known as "Schemer" (Ford). Ingratiating themselves with sultry Evangeline (Meade) and chief fingerbreaker Moxie (McGraw), the agents attempt to stay one step ahead of the counterfeiting ring using sweat and deception.

T-MEN is an extremely good-looking film; Alton paints nearly every frame with shadows and unusual lighting effects to create T-MEN's gritty atmosphere. O'Keefe is very good playing essentially two characters--earnest T-Man O'Brien and Irish goon Vinny Harrigan--and he's nearly matched by veteran heavy McGraw, who's never less than terrifying. Reed Hadley's narration hasn't dated well--it's very ponderous--but probably at the time helped to lend the film its realistic style. Also with June Lockhart (LOST IN SPACE), Jane Randolph (THE HONEYMOONERS), Jim Bannon, John Newland (ONE STEP BEYOND), Lyle Latell (Dick Tracy's sidekick Pat Patton in the RKO series), Keefe Brasselle and Frank Ferguson. Mann directed several terrific crime dramas (SIDE STREET, BORDER INCIDENT, RAW DEAL, HE WALKED BY NIGHT, FOLLOW ME QUIETLY) before teaming up with James Stewart for a series of well-regarded adult westerns. Music by Paul Sawtell. Oddly, Alton failed to score an Oscar nod, but Jack Whitney did for Best Sound Recording.

TACTICAL ASSAULT (1998)--Directed by Mark Griffiths. Stars Robert Patrick, Rutger Hauer, Isabel Glasser. Here's a psycho-killer movie disguised as a direct-to-video military thriller. After several years as a prisoner of war in Iraq, Captain John Holiday (Hauer) joins his old friend, Colonel Lee Banning (Patrick), at an Air Force base, where he proceeds to torment Banning and his pregnant wife (Glasser). Holiday blames Banning for his capture behind enemy lines and subsequent imprisonment, and is not the type to forgive and forget. Pretty silly stuff, mixing military dogfight stock footage and nutty scenes of Hauer chasing his victims around an empty base in a tank. Also with Ken Howard and Dey Young. Made in Budapest by the director of HARDBODIES.

T.A.G. THE ASSASSINATION GAME (1982)--Directed by Nick Castle. Stars Robert Carradine, Linda Hamilton, Bruce Abbott, Kristine DeBell, Perry Lang. College students play a harmless stalking game where they track their "enemies" and shoot them with suction-cup dart guns. Everybody's having a good time, until sore loser Abbott starts playing for keeps--with real ammo! Carradine is the school newspaper editor who falls for lovely player Hamilton. Starts off as a comedy, but ends as a thriller. Both parts are interesting, but they don't come together too well. Look for Michael Winslow of the POLICE ACADEMY series and an early bit by Forest Whitaker. From New World Pictures.

THE TAKE (1974)--Directed by Robert Hartford-Davis. Stars Billy Dee Williams, Vic Morrow, Eddie Albert, Frankie Avalon. A nifty cast and a surprisingly amoral tone give this energetic crime drama a list. Billy Dee plays Sneed, a San Francisco cop transferred to New Mexico to battle the Syndicate, headed by desert-loving Victor Manso (Morrow). Sneed soon finds himself in a jam when he begins taking bribes from Manso while simultaneously seeking to bust him on narcotics and counterfeiting charges under the watchful eye of commanding officer Barrigan (Albert). The PG movie is pretty violent, including an opening reel shootout and a corker of a car chase across the New Mexican desert. An eyebrow or two may rise at the sight of Avalon cursing and sweating as a sleazy stoolie. His career was on the wane, although THE TAKE led to some TV guest roles and a summer replacement variety series. Also with Sorrell Booke, Tracy Reed, A Martinez, Albert Salmi, James Luisi and John Davis Chandler. Music by Fred Karlin. TV vet Del Reisman and Oscar nominee Franklin Coen (THE TRAIN) receive screenplay credit.

TAKE A HARD RIDE (1975)--Directed by Anthony M. Dawson. Stars Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Jim Kelly, Lee Van Cleef, Dana Andrews. A dying rancher (Andrews) asks an honest employee (Brown) to deliver $86,000 to his family across the desert. Brown is trailed by a fast-talking conman (Williamson); both team up against ruthless bounty hunter Van Cleef when it appears Van Cleef will stop at nothing to get his hands on the money. A pretty standard combination of the blaxploitation and spaghetti western genres that reunites the cast of the successful (and essential) THREE THE HARD WAY. Music by Jerry Goldsmith. With Barry Sullivan, Catherine Spaak and Harry Carey Jr. Filmed in the Canary Islands.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN (1969)--Directed by Woody Allen. Stars Woody Allen, Janet Margolin, Louise Lasser. Woody's directorial debut was this hilarious parody documentary of Virgil Starkwell, the worst bank robber on earth. Lots of brilliant sight gags and one-liners--Allen uses a gun carved out of soap to break out of jail (of course, the tables are turned when it begins to rain); he uses a holdup note to rob a bank, but the teller can't read his handwriting.

TAKEN (2008)—Directed by Pierre Morel. Stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Leland Orser. Neeson is believably badass in this unpretentious thriller that would have starred Charles Bronson thirty years ago. The former Jedi Knight plays a former CIA spook on the trail of Albanian white slavers who kidnapped his teenage daughter (LOST’s Grace) on a summer trip with her girlfriend. With fewer than 96 hours to navigate the mean streets of Gay Paris, Neeson deftly dodges bullets and kidney punches, while calling in favors earned during his career as an international operative and leaving a bloody mess of bodies. Although it takes a good half-hour to get rolling—Morel (DISTRICT 13) and writers Robert Mark Kamen (THE KARATE KID) and Luc Besson (THE PROFESSIONAL) kill time with touchy-feely father/daughter bonding in L.A.—TAKEN opens a real can of whupass once Neeson arrives in France. Also with Katie Cassidy, Jon Gries, Holly Valance, and Xander Berkeley.

TAKING LIVES (2004)--Directed by D.J. Caruso. Stars Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke. Few recent comedies have had laughs as big as the one I received from this mostly dull and sometimes stupid serial-killer thriller starring the stunning Jolie and the always-lifeless Hawke. I'm glad the scene exists, if only to snap me out of the sleepy stupor the plodding storyline and unconvincing performances had lulled me into.

The moment when Jolie, as FBI profiler Illeana Scott, summoned to Canada by the Montreal police to assist in the apprehension of a serial killer who murders men and mutilates them in order to conceal their identity, innocently prepares to enter a hospital elevator, only to spot, as the doors open, the killer tearing the head off of a bloody corpse is absolutely sublime in its incredulity. It's like a Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker parody of a serial-killer thriller in that moment. Let's set aside for the moment the preposterousness of the scene, like what did he kill with, how could he have been prepared to run into the victim, whom the killer knows, there, and how in the world could he possibly have thought he could escape (generous screenwriters, I suppose). Up to that point, TAKING LIVES has been a pretty straightforward police procedural. By "straightforward", I mean "deeply clichéd"--there isn't a single scene, scare or plot twist that you haven't seen before. It's not even a surprise to learn the killer's identity, since there's obviously no other reason for the character to be in the movie unless he is. But the audience is in no way prepared for the schlocky gruesomeness of the scene. Adding to the hilarity is Jolie's performance. From nowhere, her character, in a split second, changes from a dedicated, obsessed, highly trained FBI profiler into an insipid ditz, who can only stand there with her mouth open gaping at the bloodbath in front of her, unable to pull her weapon, leap into the elevator, wedge the doors open or even say, "Hey, you." I haven't seen anything in a Hollywood thriller this funny since the notorious paralyzation of Richard Dreyfuss in the even more ridiculous SILENT FALL.

That scene is truly the highlight of TAKING LIVES, which is otherwise dotted with an indifferent Jolie performance, a sopoforic score by Philip Glass, and truly poor acting by Hawke, whose very first scene clues you in to the direction his character is headed, long before we're supposed to know. I really like Jolie as an actress, and I suppose her performance has the makings of a decent one inside her somewhere, but I don't think the director and script helped her very much in this case. Few actresses as talented as she have such poor judgment in choosing movie projects. And her presence provides the interest in TAKING LIVES' next best scene, which is a completely perfunctory sex scene. There are few people on the planet I would rather see naked than Angelina. But let's face it--she and Hawke have no chemistry, and there is no way that her character would be attracted to his, not as they are presented and performed.

I won't even get into my third-favorite scene, which is the climax and is so stupidly presented and requires such a suspension of disbelief that your head might start aching from the vigorous shaking the scene induces. I will, however, ask two questions about the mysterious secret room seen earlier in the movie. Why would the killer go there, and how did he manage to shove that heavy bookcase against the door from the other side of it?? Also with Kiefer Sutherland, Olivier Martinez, Tcheky Karyo and Gena Rowlands.

THE TAKING OF BEVERLY HILLS (1991)—Directed by Sidney J. Furie. Stars Ken Wahl, Matt Frewer, Robert Davi, Harley Jane Kozak. Exploding cars rule the screen in this barely released action movie, made back in the day when studios still believed slab Wahl was a movie star. Basically DIE HARD IN BEVERLY HILLS, the ludicrous premise has a bunch of ex-cops faking a chemical spill in America’s wealthiest community and then looting it to the tune of $700 million after everyone is evacuated. Even the cops are fooled, leaving it up to pro quarterback Boomer Wells (Wahl) and Officer Ed Kelvin (Frewer), who backed out of the heist when he learned his partners were carrying guns, to save the day by tossing Molotov cocktails out of a stolen Rolls Royce, just a step ahead of a hitman driving a tank! And here’s a coincidence that’ll throw you for a loop: the mastermind, “Bat” Masterson (Davi), is the owner of Boomer’s football team. And he’s jealous because the athlete has taken up with the woman (Kozak) he wants to marry. Inexpensively lensed somewhere other than Beverly Hills, TAKING manages to destroy a lot of property and a few people in pursuit of its unlikely plot, but it does so efficiently and with some flair. Also with Branscombe Richmond, William Prince, Lyman Ward, George Wyner, Ken Swofford and Fear’s Lee Ving. Music by Jan Hammer. Wahl, who found success as TV’s WISEGUY, never again headlined a feature, and seems to have retired from acting.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (1974)--Directed by Joseph Sargent. Stars Walter Matthau, Robert Shaw, Martin Balsam, Hector Elizondo, Tony Roberts. New York City Transit Authority Lieutenant Zachary Garber (Matthau) is having a bad afternoon. After giving a guided tour of the subway system to four visiting Japanese dignitaries who (he believes) don't speak English, Garber returns to his station to discover that a subway car containing eighteen hostages--the Pelham 123--has been hijacked by four machine-gun-toting terrorists, including case-of-the-sniffles-carrying Mr. Green (Balsam), hotheaded ex-mobster Mr. Grey (Elizondo) and ice-cold former mercenary Mr. Blue (Shaw). Mr. Blue, the group's leader, allows Matthau one hour to deliver $1 million in old $50s and $100s, or he'll begin killing hostages, which of course include a jive-talking black man, a couple of screaming kids, an Hispanic woman who doesn't understand English, an undercover policeman, some hippies and an old Jew (John Rocker would definitely not enjoy this ride).

Although the plot is standard hostage stuff, the clever screenplay by Peter Stone (CHARADE), which is based upon a novel by John Godey, definitely isn't, peppering the dialogue and characterizations with cynical humor ("Screw the passengers! What the hell do they expect for their lousy 35 cents--to live forever?"); it's hilarious the way the harried civil servants rant, curse and scream at each other on a routine basis, not too mention the apoplexy that sets in when Shaw and crew toss their monkey wrench into the proceedings. True, many of the jabs at The System and New York's political structure are broad (the city's cowardly mayor, for instance), but the fine cast of character actors makes them work. Matthau, best known as a comic actor, is completely believable as a dedicated cop trying to match wits with an adversary much smarter and deadlier than the muggers and pushers he usually deals with in the subway. His work is equaled by Shaw, who leaves no doubt that he will do exactly as he says he'll do if his instructions are not followed to the letter.

Actual New York City locations are well used. Although a disclaimer at the end claims the NYC Transit Authority did not participate in the making of PELHAM, it's clear that director Sargent would not have been able to create the tense atmosphere that he does without using real subway cars and tunnels. Cinematographer Owen Roizman, who also shot THE FRENCH CONNECTION, handles the dark, dank underground photography quite well, while David Shire's funky musical score contributes to the film's gritty feel.

Also with future FAMILY star James Broderick (Matthew's pop), Earl Hindman (later to be Tim Allen's half-hidden neighbor on HOME IMPROVEMENT), Dick O'Neill, Lee Wallace as the Mayor, Kenneth McMillan, Doris Roberts (EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND), the solid black presence Julius Harris as a police inspector (Matthau, upon meeting Harris for the first time after speaking to him over the radio, stammers, "Er, I thought you were a, uh, taller person, oh, hell, I don't know what I thought."), Jerry Stiller (very funny as Matthau's partner), Sal Viscuso and a nice bit by Tony Roberts. Probably Sargent's best film made for theaters, although he's done some excellent work in television. Film was remade for television in 1998 in Toronto (unsuccessfully substituting for New York) with Edward James Olmos and Vincent D'Onofrio in the Matthau and Shaw roles.

TAKING THE HEAT (1993)--Directed by Tom Mankiewicz. Stars Tony Goldwyn, Lynn Whitfield, Alan Arkin. This is a pretty routine made-for-cable-TV action movie starring Goldwyn (GHOST) as yuppie Michael Norell, who witnesses a murder late one evening while picking up a pair of skis from a locally owned sporting goods store. The killer is Mob boss Tommy Canard (Arkin), who is arrested for the murder and whose preliminary hearing happens to take place the same day as a major New York City heat wave, causing phone lines, electricity and traffic to come to a standstill. With Canard's thugs hot on their tail, Norell and comely NYPD detective Carolyn Hunter (Whitfield) attempt to dash across town to the courthouse while dodging bullets, bombs and Cupid's Arrows of Cliched Love.

Besides a small amount of amusing comic relief and the novelty of seeing scene-stealing character actors Arkin, Peter Boyle, George Segal and Will Patton--all of whom probably shot their scenes in less than two days--working together, TAKING THE HEAT has little to recommend for action fans, being little more than a cheap retread of all those dumb thrillers where the male lead has to hold on to his love interest's hand during all the shootouts and chases. It's also the kind of movie where a professionally trained police officer is beaten up by the heavy so the male lead, a pretty wimp who's never been in a fight in his life, can come to her rescue. In the midst of this, Whitfield delivers a very good performance, looking sexy and adding the right off-the-cuff charm to this froth, although Goldwyn is his usual smarmy self. Also with Joe Grifasi, Greg Germann (ALLY MCBEAL), Rachel York and Eddie Mekka (LAVERNE & SHIRLEY). Music by Patrick Williams. Directed by the uncredited screenwriter of SUPERMAN.

TAKIN' IT ALL OFF (1988)--Directed by Ed Hansen. Stars Kitten Natividad, Farley Maynard, Fred Hampton, Candie Evans. A school for strippers faces foreclosure, so the students decide to hold a big show to raise money. One young shy beauty finds she is unable to take it all off, so mentor Betty Bigones (Natividad) hypnotizes her so whenever she hears a certain song, she is forced to disrobe. Pretty dumb stuff. Lots of nudity though, and Natividad's assets are impressive indeed. A sequel to TAKIN IT OFF.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972)--Directed by Freddie Francis. Stars Joan Collins, Ian Hendry, Richard Greene, Peter Cushing, Patrick Magee, Ralph Richardson, Nigel Patrick. Amicus produced this darkly comic horror anthology based on EC Comics stories of the 1950s written by William Gaines, Al Feldstein and Johnny Craig. Richardson is a “cryptkeeper” who lures five people into a cave and gets them to talk about what evil deed led them there. The best segment is the last, in which an exploited patient (Magee) in a home for the blind turns the tables on the cruel, tight-fisted major (Patrick) who runs the place. Other tales feature a killer Santa Claus stalking murderess Collins, Cushing as a kindly garbage man bullied by his wealthy, snobby neighbor, Greene in a contemporary retelling of “The Monkey’s Paw,” and Hendry as a man who abandons his family to run off with his young mistress. Producer Milton Subotsky rewrites the EC tales with sadistic glee, and their black humor helps make the somewhat horrific scenarios more palatable. A box office success, Amicus soon followed with THE VAULT OF HORROR and FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, which all featured EC Comics adaptations performed by top-class British actors.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996)--Directed by Gil Adler. Stars Dennis Miller, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, Erika Eleniak. Second feature film based on the successful HBO teleseries, which was itself drawn from the classic EC comics of the 1950s. Lovers of gore and bare breasts should have a field day with this tongue-in-cheek vampire romp, anchored by comedian Miller's initial foray into leading-manhood. When the delinquent brother (Feldman) of the virginal secretary (PLAYBOY Playmate Eleniak) of a sinister televangelist (Sarandon) disappears after a visit to the local whorehouse, Miller as seedy (are there any other kind?) private eye Rafe Guttman is called in to investigate. Guttman discovers the brothel's employees are actually vampires (!) led by voluptuous redhead Everhart. Sarandon, who has found a unique way to rid his congregation of sinners, refers her clientele. Similar but inferior to Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (released earlier the same year), BORDELLO OF BLOOD still boasts (besides a terrific title) a fun, easygoing performance by Dennis Miller; Miller doesn't really act--he's just Dennis Miller running around a bunch of vampires. Still, he seems to be having a good time (like he knows how silly all this is), and many of his one-liners are funny (Miller reportedly wrote much of his own dialogue). Bizarre climax finds Miller and Sarandon blowing up topless vamp hookers with Super Soaker squirt guns filled with holy water to the strains of the Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz". Also with Phil Fondacaro, cameos by William Sadler and Whoopi Goldberg (!) and the voice of John Kassir as the annoying Cryptkeeper. Follows TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: DEMON KNIGHT, also with Sadler.

TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE (1990)--Directed by John Harrison. Stars Deborah Harry, Christian Slater, David Johansen, James Remar, Rae Dawn Chong. Anthology adaptation of the syndicated TV horror series. A young boy caged by cannibalistic housewife Harry narrates three tales of terror. None of the three are very good, but I suppose the scariest is the final segment, which features Remar and Chong as a New York couple being stalked by a gargoyle. Scripted by George A. Romero and Michael McDowell from stories by Stephen King, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and McDowell. Also with William Hickey and Robert Klein. Harrison frequently helmed segments of the TV show.

TALK RADIO (1988)--Directed by Oliver Stone. Stars Eric Bogosian, Ellen Greene, Alec Baldwin, John Pankow, John C. McGinley. Bogosian is overwhelming as a cynical radio talk show host, whose abrasive style and obnoxious attitude towards his listeners makes him a ratings success, but eventually leads to tragedy. Based on his own one-man play, Bogosian's screenplay keeps him on-screen in almost every scene. On the surface, Barry Champlain seems like a one-dimensional character as he constantly abuses everyone in his life, including his wife (Greene), producer (Baldwin), and faceless callers to his program. But Bogosian brings Champlain to life and turns him into a fascinating individual that we want to know more about while simultaneously hating his guts. Stone's fluid camera work keeps the constant control room scenes from becoming dull. One of Stone's best works, which has been greatly underrated for some reason.

TALLEDEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY (2006)—Directed by Adam McKay. Stars Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Gary Cole, Sasha Baron Cohen. If you enjoyed ANCHORMAN: THE BALLAD OF RON BURGUNDY, you might enjoy director McKay and star Ferrell’s followup, which attempts to spoof NASCAR the way the first film did television news. Unfortunately, I didn’t like it nearly as much. Ferrell and McKay’s plot is nearly an exact duplicate, as hotshot NASCAR driver Ricky Bobby (Ferrell) finds success on the racing circuit, lets success go to his head, falls into a physical and emotional shambles, and is finally redeemed before the bloopers play over the credits. Reilly, not a natural comedian, struggles somewhat as Ricky’s taken-for-granted teammate, but nowhere near as badly as Cohen’s eccentric, unlikable turn as Ricky’s gay French rival. The gags are stale, and Ferrell is desperate enough to strip down to his tighty whiteys not once but twice in pursuit of laughs. The crudity is enough to nearly disguise Cole’s surprisingly human touch as Reese Bobby, Ricky’s deadbeat dad. It’s the best performance in the movie and the only one that feels ambitious. I was a big fan of ANCHORMAN, but this is a step down for Ferrell. Also with Amy Adams, Leslie Bibb, Jane Lynch, Michael Clarke Duncan, David Koechner (who appeared in SNAKES ON A PLANE the same summer), Greg Germann, Molly Shannon, Andy Richter and Pat Hingle.

TANGO & CASH (1989)--Directed by Andrei Konchalovsky. Stars Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, Jack Palance. You probably won't see a more preposterous storyline anywhere, but scripter Randy Feldman's ampped-up attitude and the two stars' charm turn TANGO & CASH into a stupid, fun ride. Sly is Ray Tango; Russell is Gabe Cash--rival Los Angeles police detectives that prove such a nuisance to criminal kingpin Yves Perret (Palance) that he arranges for them to be framed on an (obviously) trumped-up murder charge and sent to prison (he explains to his lackeys why he doesn't just kill Tango and Cash and be done with them, but it makes so little sense, I just can't bring myself to repeat it here). Somehow, Perret's pull is so powerful that the two cops are sent to live with the general population of a maximum-security prison instead of the country club they were assigned to...and nobody notices. Of course, Tango and Cash team up to bust out, discover who their common foe is, and demolish his impenetrable airport hideout with a super-duper bulletproof SUV.

T&C captures 1980's action movies at its silliest, from Harold Faltermeyer's dorky synth score to cameraman Donald Thorin's glossy sheen, even down to Russell's opulent high locks. The plot is thin, but the explosions and gunfire are thick. Even though there's a lot of violence, it's clearly all played tongue-in-cheek, and the stars, who seem comfortable working together (Stallone rarely appears in films with stars of equal stature), capture that of-course-we-know-how-stupid-this-is vibe perfectly (Russell is particularly good in this regard). Credited solely to RUNAWAY TRAIN helmer Konchalovsky, PURPLE RAIN's Albert Magnoli also directed much of the film, but I'm unsure as to which director was dismissed or why. Teri Hatcher looks yummy as nominally Tango's sister, but really "the girl who gets kidnapped by the bad guy", while the rest of the supporting cast features Michael J. Pollard, James Hong, Clint Howard, Robert Z'Dar, Marc Alaimo, Michael Jeter, Lewis Arquette, Richard Fancy, Brion James as Palance's Aussie henchman and a strangely uncredited Geoffrey Lewis.

TANK (1984)--Directed by Marvin Chomsky. Stars James Garner, Shirley Jones, C. Thomas Howell. Goofy action/comedy about the teenage son (Howell) of an Army major who is arrested and jailed for a crime he didn't commit. Major Garner refuses to let his son be unjustly punished, so he steals a Sherman tank, smashes his way into the jail, and escapes to the state line. That's really about all there is to it. Garner is his usual affable self, and it's good to see Jones on a motion picture screen again. G.D. Spradlin plays his 548th corrupt sheriff/politician/businessman role. Also with Jenilee Harrison (THREE'S COMPANY). Director Chomsky won an Emmy for making HOLOCAUST for television.

TANK COMMANDO (1959)—Directed by Burt Topper. Stars Robert Barron, Maggie Lawrence, Wally Campo, Donato Farretta. If you were to come across this stiffly acted chunk of clichés on late-night television, you could be forgiven for mistaking it for an SCTV sketch. A bunch of bitching and moaning G.I.s in Italy are assigned to discover how the Germans are getting their tanks across a river with, according to the map, no bridges. It falls to an orphan (Farratta) to lead the men into enemy territory. As a director, Topper isn’t bad. He composes some interesting shots and manages to create some production value out of his paltry budget (the talented Dan Haller was the art director). As a writer, he’s much worse, as every scene is comprised of predictable dialogue seemingly pulled from every WWII movie Topper had seen to that point. His cast, particularly stolid leading man Barron, who makes Clint Walker look like Jim Carrey, lacks the ability to bring life to their lines or Topper’s one-take blocking. If the TV series COMBAT had worse acting and writing, it would probably look a lot like TANK COMMANDO, which I presume played back halves of AIP double-bills. Music by Ronald Stein. Co-star Jack Sowards—also in Topper’s HELL SQUAD—gave up acting for screenwriting with STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN his most prominent credit.

THE TAO OF STEVE (2000)--Directed by Jenniphr Goodman. Stars Donal Logue, Greer Goodman, Ayelet Kaznelson. Logue won a Special Jury Prize at the 2000 Sundance Film Festival for his role as Dex, an obese, dope-smoking slacker who has no problem scoring with the ladies, thanks to his Tao of Steve philosophy. According to Dex, Steve is more than a name--it's a state of mind, personified by such cool Steves as HAWAII FIVE-0's Steve McGarrett, THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN's Steve Austin and the Steve who personifies Steveness: Steve McQueen. The Steve philosophy involves eliminating your desire for sex, being excellent at something in front of women, and withdrawing from sex when women are ready for it. Despite his loser status, Dex scores with almost every woman he meets, including his married friend Beth (Kaznelson), until Syd (Goodman) comes into his life. Syd affects the Steve inside of Dex, since he likes her too much to work the Steve philosophy on her, and he finds himself befuddled by his new feelings.

First-time director Goodman, who also scripted with her sister Greer (who plays Syd) and Duncan North (the real-life Dex), has fashioned an amusing little comedy that plays a little better than the trifle it actually is. Any movie that features a reference to the Sid & Marty Krofft show THE BUGALOOS and a lounge guitar version of Morton Stevens's HAWAII FIVE-0 theme on the soundtrack gets high marks in my book anyway, but the unfamiliar cast and likable dialogue are enough to make up for the standard boy-meets-girl plot. Logue, who has appeared in supporting parts in dozens of movies like THE PATRIOT and THE THIN RED LINE, is a fine romantic lead, despite his unconventional looks.

While THE TAO OF STEVE won't make you forget WHEN HARRY MET SALLY... or even RETURN TO ME, it works quite well as an agreeable enough romantic comedy. Filmed in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Also with Kimo Wills, David Aaron Baker and Nina Jaroslaw. Music by Joe Delia with a couple of amusing songs by Eytan Mirsky ("I Want to Be Your Steve McQueen").

TAPS (1981)--Directed by Harold Becker. Stars Timothy Hutton, George C. Scott, Ronny Cox. When trustees of a military academy announce plans to tear the school down and build condominiums on the property, the student body led by Hutton seizes the campus and holds it hostage. Scott is good as the commanding officer who sees eye-to-eye with Hutton. A pretty good drama with a weak ending, it's probably mostly worth seeing for early performances by Sean Penn and Tom Cruise. From the director of MALICE.

TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977)--Directed by Stuart Hagmann. Stars Claude Akins, Charles Frank, Pat Hingle, Deborah Winters, Bert Remsen. Not too bad as killer spider movies go. Poisonous banana spiders terrorize the sleepy California town of Finleyville after a cargo plane carrying coffee from Ecuador crashlands there. These ugly little buggers, which seem to move very quickly, immediately head for the produce warehouses that hold Finleyville's major source of income. Fire chief Akins and crusty town doctor Hingle want to destroy the spiders before anyone else is killed, but mayor Remsen, like all movie mayors in the post-JAWS '70s, wants only to keep the news of the spiders quiet until all his oranges can be shipped.

The climax, featuring the amplified sound waves of wasps, a power outage and a clumsy arsonist, is just hokey enough to be fun, Hagmann struts more visual style than most '70s television directors, and Akins and Hingle deliver solid work. Unfortunately, the teleplay by TV vets John Groves and Guerdon Trueblood forces most of the spiders' victims to act like numbskulls so they can be bitten; the victims include the sheriff's adulterous wife, a security guard, some illegal aliens and a little boy. Music by Mundell Lowe. Also with Sandy McPeak, John Harkins, Charles Siebert, Matthew Laborteaux, and Tom Atkins and Howard Hesseman (sporting a not-very-credible Texas accent) as the cargo plane pilots. Made for television, but released theatrically overseas. From the award-winning director of THE STRAWBERRY STATEMENT.

TARGET (1985)--Directed by Arthur Penn. Stars Gene Hackman, Matt Dillon, Gayle Hunnicutt, Josef Sommer. Hackman seems to almost be doing a parody of his patented "everyman" role. He's a regular Dallas lumberyard owner with a beautiful wife (Hunnicutt) and an estranged teenage son (Dillon). When Hunnicutt is kidnapped in Paris, Hackman reveals to Dillon that he is actually a retired CIA agent, and that Hunnicutt has been kidnapped for revenge! The father-and-son team flies to France to track down the kidnappers themselves. The action scenes are well done, and Hackman is believable in his role. Hackman and director Penn previously worked together on BONNIE AND CLYDE and NIGHT MOVES; this film is the worst of the three.

TARGET: HARRY (1969)--Directed by Roger Corman (as “Henry Neill“). Stars Vic Morrow, Suzanne Pleshette, Victor Buono, Stanley Holloway. This rarity was produced by Gene Corman in Monaco and Turkey and was intended as an ABC TV-movie. The network reportedly rejected it, and there’s evidence that it sat on a shelf for a decade before finally surfacing in movie houses. Ridiculous nude inserts were commissioned and clumsily edited into scenes to garner an R rating. When it finally came out, director Roger Corman had taken his name off of it, and Mark Thomas McGee’s McFarland biography of Corman ignores it. TARGET: HARRY, made as WHAT’S IN IT FOR HARRY?, is not very good, but is worth the trouble for Corman completists. Bob Barbash’s script doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and there’s a lot of running, jumping and location-hopping to accompany a thin plot.

Morrow is Harry Black, a freelance pilot based in Monte Carlo who is hired to take Jason Carlyle (Holloway) to Istanbul. Carlyle, who’s carrying a set of stolen counterfeit plates, is murdered there, and suspicion falls upon Harry, whom thieves Rashi (Buono) and Diane (Pleshette) suspect of stealing the plates for his own financial gain. Corman paces the 82-minute feature okay and usually manages to find a pretty place to put his camera, but TARGET: HARRY is basically an international riff on THE MALTESE FALCON and not one that adds anything to the characters or story. Michael Ansara and Cesar Romero add some class, and Charlotte Rampling is lovely in an early role. Corman himself provides a wordless cameo. Score by Les Baxter in a subpar Bond mode.

TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY (2005)--Directed by Danny Lerner. Stars Dean Cochran, Todd Jensen, Nadia Konakchieva. Two of Nu Image’s hunky action stars, Cochran (SHARK ZONE) and Jensen (OPERATION DELTA FORCE V), team up for the first time in this action-packed DTV thriller shot in Bulgaria. Five years after Nick (Jensen) saved his best friend Jim’s (Cochran) life during a CIA operation in Chechnya, he’s arrested while traveling alone in the Eastern European country of Gorna. A mysterious woman named Elena (Konakchieva) contacts Jim, now an Army psychiatrist, in Las Vegas, and asks him to break Nick out of prison. The American authorities are no help, and warn Jim to let Nick fry, that he’s a dirty agent. Hey, but what are friends for, right? Les Weldon’s screenplay is little more than a clothesline to hang action sequences on, and Lerner gets the most out of his Bulgarian locations and economy. Enough stuff blows up to give TARGET more production value than it ever could have bought in the States, and the locations, including a rusty old prison and a rotting trainyard, are visually interesting and provide the cast with lots of rundown objects to hide behind when trading bullets with each other. Cochran and Jensen have a nice frat-boy vibe between them, and even though Weldon gives them ostensible love interests, Lerner’s more interested in the buddies blowing stuff up than romancing the ladies. Music by Steve Edwards. Cochran and Jensen both have roles in THE CUTTER, Chuck Norris’ Nu Image debut.

TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS (1971)--Directed by Mehmet Aslan. Stars Kartal Tibet, Bilal Inci, Eva Bender, Seher Seniz. From the early 1960’s through the mid-1980’s, Turkey produced hundreds of the most mindblowing and bizarre adventure movies ever made. A stirring symbiosis of action, sex, violence, fantasy and color, Turkish “pop cinema” is virtually unknown in America, partially because very little of it was ever released here, but mostly because most of it no longer exists. Many Turkish film producers held little regard for preserving history, and many of the negatives were destroyed in order to collect the film’s silver content. What still remains is an obvious affection for American superheroes and low-budget serials of the 1940’s. If you’re looking to dip your big toe into the wild world of Turkish pop cinema, Mondo Macabro has collected two fun examples on one DVD.

Tarkan was a comic book hero created in Turkey who was very reminiscent of Robert E. Howard’s Conan. The popular comic book inspired a slew of movie adaptations, of which one was 1971’s TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS. It’s one of the fastest-paced movies I’ve ever seen, pounding with battle scenes, multiple locations, stolen music cues, sadism and doublecrosses. The action barely slows down, and when it does, director Mehmet Aslan serves something else certain to grab our attention, be it a costume made of pink fur (what animal could have provided that hide?) or the hilarious sight of a wolf sobbing (!) at the grave of its father.

Tarkan (Kartal Tibet) is a Hun assigned to protect the luscious Princess Yonca (Fatma Belgen), but their fort is invaded by a Viking horde led by evil Toro (Bilal Inci). Nearly everyone, including children and Tarkan’s pet wolf Kurt, is slaughtered, and Toro escapes with the kidnapped Princess. Seething with vengeance, Tarkan leads Kurt, Jr. on a mission to retrieve Yonca and pay back Toro for his pet’s murder. To ensure that TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS is more than a mere revenge tale, director Aslan stirs the pot with an exotic Chinese moll named Lotus (Seher Seniz), an army of sexy Amazon warriors, orgies, a pit of poisonous vipers, sensuous dancing and more bizarre deathtraps, including an inflatable (!) octopus with large eyes that feeds upon Toro’s human sacrifices.

Yes, it’s all terribly absurd, yet wildly exhilarating, blessed with a pace that barely allows the audience to breathe. This is somewhat due to director Aslan’s odd aversion to transitions and establishing shots. He cuts immediately from one scene to the next without indicating what’s going on, leaving it up to his alert audience to fill in some blanks. That may involve giving the movie more thought than it really deserves. The characters are delineated well enough so there are no doubts about their motivations, and TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS is more concerned with delivering violent setpieces and exploitative elements than story nuances. A word of warning: this is one comic book movie that’s not appropriate for kids. The gore and nudity are relatively tame, but would still garner an R rating in the U.S.

TARZAN AND THE AMAZONS (1945)--Directed by Kurt Neumann. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Brenda Joyce, Johnny Sheffield, Barton MacLane, Maria Ouspenskaya. After Maureen O'Sullivan left, and the Tarzan series moved from MGM to RKO, Tarzan and Boy were left on their own in the jungle for awhile (it was explained that Jane was visiting family in England and doing her part for the war effort by working as a nurse). In this middling entry, Jane returns to her family (nobody notices that she's now a blonde) in the form of Brenda Joyce, who would play Jane more times on screen than anybody except O'Sullivan. Tarzan battles a group of greedy archeologists who plunder gold artifacts from the city of Palmira, which is populated by beautiful brunette white women and ruled by the diminutive Queen Ouspenskaya (THE WOLF MAN). The bad guys are pretty dull, and the climax is incredibly rushed--director Neumann neglects to show us exactly how Tarzan manages to save Boy from the clutches of the Queen--but there're fewer Cheta hijinks than usual, and Weissmuller handles the action well enough. Also with Henry Stevenson, Donald Douglas and Shirley OHara. Music by Paul Sawtell.

TARZAN AND THE HUNTRESS (1947)--Directed by Kurt Neumann. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Brenda Joyce, Johnny Sheffield, Patricia Morison, Charles Trowbridge. Weissmuller's next-to-last Tarzan film is one of his worst. A group of zookeepers, led by beautiful brunette Tanya (Morison), comes to the jungle hunting animals for its zoo in the United States. The local king (Trowbridge) gives them permission to capture just two of each species, but they get greedy and murder the king so his nephew, who is sympathetic to their cause, will replace him on the throne. Tarzan didn't want them hunting any animals at all, so when he figures out the hunters' plan, he goes ballistic. Unfortunately, most of the action is confined to the final third, with too much screen time being eaten up by dull talk and tiresome Cheta comic relief. Joyce doesn't do much as Jane, and Sheffield was getting too big to be called Boy any longer. In fact, this was Sheffield's last Tarzan film; he went to Monogram to star in a series of 12 Bomba the Jungle Boy programmers. Also with Barton MacLane, John Warburton, Ted Hecht and Wallace Scott. Music by Paul Sawtell. From the director of THE FLY.

TARZAN AND THE LEOPARD WOMAN (1946)--Directed by Kurt Neumann. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Brenda Joyce, Johnny Sheffield, Acquanetta. Arguably the most entertaining of the post-O'Sullivan Weissmuller Tarzan flicks, featuring plenty of action, a pulpy plot and the exotic presence of Acquanetta, a descendant of the Arapaho tribe who often portrayed south-of-the-border beauties and was touted as the Venezuelan Volcano! Acquanetta plays Lea, the High Priestess of a cult of leopard worshippers who are attacking jungle caravans, stealing all the goods and leaving no survivors. The local commissioner believes the encounters to be the work of actual leopards, but Tarzan (Weissmuller), noticing that the victims have been ripped apart by claws but display no teeth marks, deduces that the murders are actually being committed by people disguised as leopards. He, Jane (Joyce) and Boy (Sheffield) are kidnapped by the cult, while Cheta saves the day. Also with Anthony Caruso, Dennis Hoey, Edgar Barrier, Tommy Cook and wrestler King Kong Kashay as a strongman named Tongolo the Terrible who gets into a wrestling match with Tarzan. Music by Paul Sawtell. Collier Young, who wrote three other Tarzans, four Jungle Jims and one Bomba, scripted.

TARZAN AND THE LOST CITY (1998)--Directed by Carl Schenkel. Stars Casper Van Dien, Jane March, Steven Waddington. The first live-action Tarzan feature since the Oscar-nominated GREYSTOKE: THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, LORD OF THE APES (1984) may also be the worst in one of Hollywood's longest-running series. The first film to adapt Edgar Rice Burroughs' legendary King of the Jungle was 1918's TARZAN OF THE APES, starring former Arkansas cop Elmo Lincoln. After James Pierce and Buster Crabbe took their shots at the character, Olympic gold medalist Johnny Weissmuller stepped into the role, and made it his own. Originally teamed with the exquisite Maureen O'Sullivan as Jane, Weissmuller played Tarzan 12 times in 16 years, more than any other actor. He's still regarded by most fans as the One True Tarzan, much like Sean Connery's identification with James Bond.

After Weissmuller, there was Lex Barker, Gordon Scott, Denny Miller, Jock Mahoney, Mike Henry and 6'4" Ron Ely, who starred in a decent one-hour NBC series filmed on location in Brazil and Mexico, and may have fit Burroughs' literary description of the character more than any other actor who played the part. After a 13-year absence from the big screen, Miles O'Keeffe landed the title role in TARZAN, THE APE MAN, a stunningly awful vanity project for Bo Derek (who played Jane) directed by husband John Derek. Christopher Lambert was John Clayton, Lord of the Apes in GREYSTOKE, which was critically acclaimed and hailed by fans for remaining reasonably faithful to Burroughs. And now...Casper Van Dien, who was an expressionless cipher in his previous starring role in STARSHIP TROOPERS (which actually worked to director Paul Verhoeven's advantage in that clever war satire), and is even more blank if possible here. What's scarier is that Jane March as Jane (who sadly doesn't appear in a loincloth until the final seconds) may be even worse.

TARZAN AND THE LOST CITY opens in England, where nobleman John Clayton (Van Dien), on the eve of his impending marriage to Jane, receives some sort of telepathic communication from the African village where he was raised, and tells Jane he must postpone their nuptials so he can investigate the trouble at home. The trouble stems from evil poacher Ravens (Waddington), who will stop at nothing--not even the killing of natives or the destruction of their property--to find the hidden civilization of Opar, where lies (or so rumored) untold wealth. Of course, Jane, being a politically correct '90s liberated woman in a movie set in 1916, follows her man to Central Africa so she can be kidnapped by Ravens and rescued by Tarzan.

It's hard to believe Warner Brothers bought this for theatrical distribution; although the jungle scenery (filmed in South Africa) is lush, the screenplay is on the level of a Saturday morning cartoon, the PG-rated action scenes are boring, director Carl Schenkel (THE MIGHTY QUINN) resorts to unmotivated 360-degree circling shots to spice up the dialogue, and the cheap computer-generated special effects wouldn't pass muster on an episode of XENA--not to mention the man-in-a-suit apes, which wouldn't have fooled an audience in Weissmuller's day. The script conjures up a bunch of supernatural baloney out of nowhere at the film's climax (which manages to ripoff RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK as much as possible), and, even worse, turns Tarzan--the film's hero--into a passive character. He has nothing to do with rescuing his fiance, vanquishing the main villain, or putting any of the film's finish into motion. As a fan of Tarzan movies, I found this one to be a huge disappointment. Also with Winston Ntshona, Rapulana Seiphemo, Ian Roberts and Sean Taylor. Music by Christopher Franke.

TARZAN AND THE LOST SAFARI (1957)--Directed by H. Bruce Humberstone. Stars Gordon Scott, Robert Beatty, Betta St. John, Wilfred Hyde-White. A plane crash strands five socialites in the jungle. With Tarzan (Scott) as their guide, the party treks across hazardous country towards civilization while battling crocodiles, poisonous spiders, swamps, Oparian natives who want to use the white men and women as human sacrifices, and a treacherous hunter (Beatty) who wants to sell the party to the Oparians in exchange for treasure. As the first Tarzan feature to be shot in color and Cinemascope using actual African locations, TARZAN AND THE LOST SAFARI still suffers from skimpy production values; many outdoor scenes were shot on soundstage sets, and the plane crash is created through editing rather than using miniatures. Writers Montgomery Pittman and Lillie Hayward have created only about a half-hour of plot, which is padded with interminable hiking, swimming, wildlife footage and Cheta monkeyshines. The climax isn't too bad, St. John is attractive, Hyde-White provides amusing comic relief, and Scott is a decent Tarzan, although his monosyllabic portrayal of the Jungle King was beginning to wear thin by this time. Also with Yolande Donlan (wife of British director Val Guest), George Coulouris, Peter Arne and Orlando Martins. Music by Clifton Parker.

TARZAN AND THE MERMAIDS (1948)--Directed by Robert Florey. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Brenda Joyce, George Zucco, Linda Christian, John Laurenz, Fernando Wagner. Weissmuller's 12th (and final) Tarzan feature in 16 years should have been a classic. It boasts a director with style (Florey made MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE, and was originally set to helm FRANKENSTEIN before being replaced by James Whale); a gorgeous leading lady in Christian; one of the screen's greatest villains in Zucco; lovely Mexican locations; a decent, pulpy plot; and a score by 23-time (!) Oscar nominee Dimitri Tiomkin. So why isn't it great? Well, unfortunately screenwriters Carroll Young and Albert DePina have crafted only about 20 minutes worth of plot, and stretched it over a 68-minute running time. Then producer Sol Lesser or somebody else at RKO had the rotten idea of introducing Benji (Laurenz), a comic-relief wandering mailman/troubadour who breaks into song every ten minutes or so. The songs, written by Laurenz, are pretty annoying, and tend to stop the action in its tracks.

On the hidden island of Aquatania, beautiful young native Mara (Christian) is being forced by the treacherous high priest (Zucco) into a marriage with island god Balu. Unbeknownst to the superstitious natives, Balu is actually Varga (Wagner), a thief out to rape Aquatania of its valuable black pearls. Mara escapes from Zucco, and flees to safety at the home of Tarzan (Weissmuller) and Jane (Joyce), but when Zucco's men recapture Mara, Tarzan must journey to the hidden land to save her.

Christian, who later married Tyrone Power, was 22 when this was shot in and around Acapulco; despite her special "Introducing Linda Christian" billing, she had already appeared in a few films. Born in Mexico, she worked steadily in films through the late 1960s. Lesser declined to renew Weissmuller's contract for any more Tarzan pictures; he was replaced by Lex Barker, while Weissmuller moved to Columbia to star in a series of 16 Jungle Jim features and a television series. His stunt double, Angel Garcia, was reportedly killed doing the climactic cliff dive seen here. Also with Andrea Palma, Edward Ashley, Gustavo Rojo and Matthew Boulton.

TARZAN AND THE SHE-DEVIL (1953)--Directed by Kurt Neumann. Stars Lex Barker, Joyce Mackenzie, Raymond Burr, Monique van Vooren, Tom Conway. The Barker Tarzan features were, in general, the worst of the series, partly because of Barker's colorless performances, but also due to the worn-out storylines, dull sets and toothless villains. Barker's fifth and final Tarzan (he married Lana Turner the same year) is probably the most watchable, which means it's the funniest (unintentionally).

Tarzan battles sinister ivory poachers financed by exotically beautiful Lyra (van Vooren), the she-devil of the title. The hunters, led by Vargo (Burr) and Fidel (Conway), raid native villages for slaves to use in their hunt. After he believes Jane to be dead after a fire destroys their treehouse, Tarzan mopes around and allows himself to be captured and beaten, rather than kicking the rears of the guys who did it.

Much hilarity ensues due to the silly dialogue, clumsy direction and inept special effects (the wires used to control the natives' boomerangs are painfully visible). Van Vooren's performance is terrible; the Belgian figure skater later appeared in Jon Voight's first film, FEARLESS FRANK, and the hilarious ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN as Udo Kier's sister/wife. Burr is properly sinister (it strikes me that he and William Conrad had similar careers), and Conway is Conway. Also with Michael Granger, Robert Bice and Henry Brandon. Music by Paul Sawtell. Mackenzie doesn't register much as Jane (Barker's five films all co-starred different Janes); she made only two more films, but later guest-starred on Burr's PERRY MASON program.

TARZAN AND THE SLAVE GIRL (1950)--Directed by Lee Sholem. Stars Lex Barker, Vanessa Brown, Hurd Hatfield, Anthony Caruso, Robert Alda, Denise Darcel. A lively pace makes Barker's second Tarzan flick worth watching. A tribe of lion worshippers (known as Lionians) is dying off due to a mysterious plague. They kidnap beautiful brunettes to use as breeding stock. Unfortunately for them, one of their victims is Jane (Brown), which makes Tarzan pretty P.O.'ed. This was Brown's only appearance as Jane, and although she's quite gorgeous, she seems too young and naive to have stayed alive in the jungle this long. Barker says a little bit more than Johnny Weissmuller used to, but is mostly uninteresting, and remains one of my least favorite Tarzans. Campiest moment is a knockdown dragout catfight between Jane and a very stacked French/Mexican (?) gypsy nurse named Lola (Darcel). Also with Arthur Shields and Robert Warwick, and Eva Gabor is reportedly in there too, but I didn't spot her. Music by Paul Sawtell.

TARZAN AND THE VALLEY OF GOLD (1966)--Directed by Robert Day. Stars Mike Henry, David Opatoshu, Manuel Padilla Jr. Former football player Henry plays the King of the Jungle for the first of three times. They were all shot back-to-back--this one in Mexico, the two sequels in Brazil. This was designed to cash in on the then-current James Bond craze. Tarzan goes to Mexico City in a suit, and carries a briefcase! A sniper attacks him in a bullfighting ring. The plot concerns an evil millionaire named Vinaro (Opatoshu) who hires an army to take him through the jungle to a lost city of gold. He also gives explosive jewelry to his enemies. The best of Henry's outings has some pretty exciting scenes, but the ending is a bit lame--Tarzan and Vinaro don't even have any scenes together! Opatoshu doesn't have the magnetism to pull off such a larger-than-life role. Screenplay by Clair Huffaker. Music by Van Alexander. Produced by Sy Weintraub. Also with Don Megowan as the bald henchman Mr. Train and the gorgeous Nancy Kovack, who unfortunately has too little to do as Vinaro's moll Sophia. Released by American International Pictures. Was filmed as TARZAN '66.

TARZAN GOES TO INDIA (1962)--Directed by John Guillermin. Stars Jock Mahoney, Leo Gordon, Mark Dana, Jai the Elephant Boy. Pretty exciting adventure shot on location and featuring ex-stuntman Mahoney (who had played the villain in the previous Tarzan adventure) taking over jungle duties for the first time. The King of the Jungle travels to India to prevent a herd of elephants from being killed by the ruthless constructors of a new dam. Colorful scenery and plenty of action. While Mahoney seems a bit slight for the role physically, he's likable and handles the stunt scenes well. Music by Ravi Shankar. Produced by Sy Weintraub.

TARZAN THE APE MAN (1932)--Directed by W.S. Van Dyke. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Neil Hamilton, C. Aubrey Smith, Maureen O'Sullivan. Five-time Olympic gold medalist Weissmuller was 28 years old when he played Edgar Rice Burroughs' legendary King of the Jungle for the first time. His name would become synonymous with Tarzan, and he remains to this day the most famous and beloved Ape Man of all.

This MGM jungle adventure boasts pretty decent production values for the time, and appears (as was the immediate sequel TARZAN AND HIS MATE) to have been made for adult audiences as much as for kids. James Parker (Smith) leads an expedition, including Harry Holt (Hamilton), into Africa in a search for a legendary Elephant's Graveyard, supposedly stocked with millions of dollars in ivory. Parker receives a surprise when his daughter Jane (20-year-old O'Sullivan) drops in from England for a visit, and demands to accompany the party on their journey. Parker isn't thrilled with Jane being subjected to such danger, but Holt, who has fallen in love with the vivacious young woman, likes the idea of getting close to her. After a dangerous mountain climb and a thrilling battle with hippos and crocodiles while crossing a river on rafts, Jane is kidnapped by a mysterious man who appears to be able to control animals, to move from tree to tree and swing from vines like a monkey and to speak not a word of English. The man, of course, is Tarzan, with whom Jane falls in love and whom the expedition counts on for help when it is attacked by vicious pygmies.

Despite little acting experience, this is one of Weissmuller's best performances, and even though he never says, "Me Tarzan, you Jane", his scenes with O'Sullivan are among the movie's best. The real revelation here is O'Sullivan, who is undoubtedly filmdom's sexiest Jane, Bo Derek be damned. She's quite beautiful and sweet, and even though Jane flirts with Harry a little bit and seems genuinely touched by his interest, she's kind enough not to lead him on. O'Sullivan would play Jane in five more MGM features, and when she decided to leave the series, so did MGM, which obviously realized her importance to the films' success (Weissmuller went on to play Tarzan many more times at RKO). The script by Cyril Hume and Ivor Novello is very loosely based on Burroughs' novel (in the books, Tarzan was intelligent and erudite, having been educated in England before returning to the wild). Produced by Irving Thalberg. Also with Doris Lloyd, Forrester Harvey, Ivory Williams and, of course, Cheta the Chimp. This was the first non-silent Tarzan feature.

TARZAN, THE APE MAN (1981)--Directed by John Derek. Stars Bo Derek, Richard Harris, Miles O'Keefe, John Philip Law. Awful remake with only one reason to see it: frequent gazes at Bo's curvaceous naked body. Bo plays Jane and is painted white by African natives. Tarzan (O'Keefe) doesn't speak at all, but he saves Bo from wild animals. Harris is Jane's father; he has a nude scene too! Pretty boring. The acting is as bad as you would expect from the cast.

TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT (1960)--Directed by Robert Day. Stars Gordon Scott, Jock Mahoney, John Carradine. Colorful and exciting jungle adventure filmed on location in Africa. It's notable for the teaming of Scott and Mahoney, who plays the villain here, but would replace Scott as Tarzan in the next movie. Mahoney is Coy Banton, oldest son of the evil Banton family, who, along with his father (Carradine) and three brothers, terrorize the African jungle, killing and robbing the natives. When Tarzan catches Mahoney, the two attempt to make it cross-country to prison while being pursued by Bantons family. Scott and Mahoney work well together, the African scenery is beautiful, and there's an exciting climactic fight between the two leads. This was obviously aimed at a more adult audience, and the extra care shows. Also with Betta St. John and Lionel Jeffries.

TARZAN TRIUMPHS (1943)--Directed by William Thiele. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Johnny Sheffield, Frances Gifford, Stanley Ridges. After Maureen O’Sullivan elected not to continue her role as Jane, MGM decided to bow out of the Tarzan series. Producer Sol Lesser set up shop over at RKO for five more Weissmuller programmers before Lex Barker took over the jungle man role in 1949. To compensate for O’Sullivan’s absence, scripters Roy Chanslor and Carroll Young created the role of Princess Zandra, ruler of a hidden city in Africa, and cast fetching Frances Gifford, a 23-year-old brunette who had caused a splash two years earlier as the star of Republic’s 15-chapter serial JUNGLE GIRL. Tarzan and Boy are still living together in their treehouse (Jane, it is explained, is visiting her sick mum in London), oblivious to the war between the Axis and the Allies. When Zandra explains the Nazis’ plan to conquer the world, Tarzan remains apathetic, saying he wishes to be left alone, that man’s determination to kill each other is none of his business--that is until Nazi paratroopers drop in to enslave Zandra’s people and rob the land of its precious raw materials. “Now Tarzan make war!” An exciting and action-packed adventure with a high body count and Weissmuller at his best. Also with Sig Ruman, Philip Van Zandt, Rex Williams and Pedro de Cordoba. Music by Paul Sawtell.

TARZAN'S DEADLY SILENCE (1970)--Directed by Robert L. Friend. Stars Ron Ely, Jock Mahoney, Nichelle Nichols, Woody Strode, Manuel Padilla, Jr. Feature-length version of a two-part episode of the NBC-TV series. 6'4" Ely plays Tarzan and does all of his own stunts. Former Tarzan Mahoney is a whip-wielding ivory poacher. Filmed on location in Mexico. Ely was a pretty good Tarzan, but a bust as Doc Savage. His Tarzan yell was actually dubbed from an old Johnny Weissmuller picture.

TARZAN'S DESERT MYSTERY (1943)--Directed by William Thiele. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Nancy Kelly, Johnny Sheffield, Lloyd Corrigan. RKO followed up the success of TARZAN TRIUMPHS by once again pitting our favorite jungle man against Nazis. Jane's absence (actress Maureen O'Sullivan had left the series) is explained in a letter to Tarzan (Weissmuller) and Boy (Sheffield) saying she's in London doing her share for the war effort by working as a nurse. Many of the soldiers are suffering from jungle diseases, and she asks Tarzan to deliver some mysterious medicine that can only be found in a faraway jungle on the other side of a desert. Tarzan, Boy and Cheta the chimp meet up with an entertainer named Connie (Kelly), and arrive in the city of Ber-Hurare, which is being infiltrated by Nazis right under the nose of its trusting ruler Sheik Abdul El Khim (Corrigan). See Tarzan fight man-eating plants, prehistoric monsters (courtesy of back-projected stock footage from ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.), a giant spider and many of Der Fuhrer's best men. Slow moving in parts, and O'Sullivan is greatly missed. Music by Paul Sawtell. Also with Robert Lowery, Otto Kruger, Joe Sawyer, Nestor Paiva and Philip Van Zandt.

TARZAN'S FIGHT FOR LIFE (1958)--Directed by Bruce Humberstone. Stars Gordon Scott, Eve Brent, Carl Benton Reid. Producer Sol Lesser's swan song in filmmaking, and thank goodness, because this is one of the dullest Tarzan movies ever. Scott (playing the King of the Jungle for the third time) helps out a white doctor (Reid) who's being terrorized by natives led by a warrior and a jealous witch doctor. The dialogue by Thomas Hal Phillips is awful, Humberstone's direction perfunctory, and the performances--particularly Jil Jarmyn as Reid's whiny daughter--are nothing to write home about. Brent as Jane proves she's no Maureen O'Sullivan, and, while there's no Boy, there is a kid in a silly-looking wig named Tartu, who is the legally adopted son of Tarzan and Jane. When Lesser sold off the rights to make Tarzan movies to Sy Weintraub, Weintraub wisely dumped the Jane and Boy/Tartu characters, made Tarzan educated and more erudite, traveled to Africa for expensive location scenery, and the result was TARZAN'S GREATEST ADVENTURE, one of the most exciting jungle adventures ever filmed. Also with Rickie Sorensen as Tartu, James Edwards, Harry Lauter and Woody Strode. Believe it or not, the musical score was composed by future Oscar winner Ernest Gold (EXODUS)!

TARZAN'S GREATEST ADVENTURE (1960)--Directed by John Guillermin. Stars Gordon Scott, Anthony Quayle, Niall MacGinnis, Sean Connery. This Tarzan adventure aimed at adults would be worthy of your time even if Connery wasn't in it. The future 007 plays one of Quayle's henchmen. Evil diamond hunter Slade (Quayle), three partners, and his moll travel up an African river in search of a hidden diamond mine, killing and robbing along the way. Tarzan, accompanied by a gorgeous blond pilot he saved after a crash-landing, must stop them. Scott, a former lifeguard, plays Tarzan for the fourth time. Some people think he was the best Tarzan of all. He certainly looks the part, and acquits himself nicely in the acting department. Guillerman filmed on location in Africa, and the many action scenes are really exciting. The final battle between Scott and Quayle on a rocky cliff is pretty brutal. Produced by Sy Weintraub.

TARZAN'S NEW YORK ADVENTURE (1942)--Directed by Richard Thorpe. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Maureen O'Sullivan, John Sheffield. The fifth MGM Tarzan feature was a box-office flop, and was the swan song for the studio and for its Jane (O'Sullivan). It's not a bad picture really (although it's kind of dull and has too many Cheta antics), and the premise is intriguing, but I imagine Tarzan fans wanted their hero swinging through the jungle battling wild animals and poachers in a loincloth, rather than dressed up in a suit and engaging in a child custody suit in family court.

Boy (Sheffield), who believes Tarzan (Weissmuller) and Jane to be dead, is kidnapped by men who want to use him in a trained elephant act in the United States. His parents (and Cheta the chimp) journey to the Big Apple to bring him back, where they engage in all sorts of fish-out-of-water jokes (like Tarzan's discovery of a shower). Since Tarzan and Jane aren't legally married, they end up in court against the circus owner who plans to legally adopt Boy. Not one of my favorite Tarzans, although Tarzan's leap from the Brooklyn Bridge is pretty cool. Also with Paul Kelly, Chill Wills and Mantan Moreland. Producer Sol Lesser took the Tarzan series (and Weissmuller and Sheffield) to RKO for many more (lower-budgeted) jungle adventures, without O'Sullivan, who was looking for more serious roles.

TARZAN'S PERIL (1951)--Directed by Byron Haskin. Stars Lex Barker, Virginia Huston, George Macready, Alan Napier. Barker is a pretty dull Tarzan in his third of five outings as Edgar Rice Burroughs' legendary hero. An escaped killer named Radijeck (Macready) and his gang sell guns to one of two warring tribes. Radijeck also kills Tarzan's friend Commissioner Peters (Napier). This makes Tarzan mad. This was the first Tarzan flick filmed in Africa--a second unit crew shot some background plates, wildlife footage and crowd scenes, while the cast stayed in Hollywood--and while the location shooting and Karl Struss's cinematography add a bit of luster to the production, there just isn't enough going on to make TARZAN'S PERIL of interest. Tarzan's perils include a fake-looking snake (a puppet on strings) and a fake-looking man-eating plant (uh, on strings). Huston plays Jane for the first (and last) time. Also with Douglas Fowley, Glenn Anders, Dorothy Dandridge and Edward Ashley. Music by Michel Michelet. From the director of WAR OF THE WORLDS.

TARZAN'S SECRET TREASURE (1941)--Directed by Richard Thorpe. Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Maureen O'Sullivan, John Sheffield. Greedy scientists kidnap Jane (O'Sullivan) and Boy (Sheffield) to force Tarzan (Weissmuller) to lead them to a secret gold cache. The immediate follow-up to TARZAN FINDS A SON has a better-than-average supporting cast, but it would have better if MGM hadn't recycled that stock footage of Weissmuller wrestling a crocodile for the third damn time. The studio began cutting back costs after the death of Irving Thalberg, so the Tarzan series started using more clips from previous films and less shooting on location. Music by David Snell. Barry Fitzgerald adds considerable comic relief as a likable drunken Irishman. Also with Tom Conway, Reginald Owen, Phillip Dorn and Cordell Hickman.

THE TATTOO CONNECTION (1978)--Directed by Tso Nam Lee. Stars Jim Kelly. The athletic co-star of ENTER THE DRAGON popped up in Hong Kong to make this cheap kung-fu flick, packed with loud action and gratuitous nudity. Even though the film has been released on DVD as BLACK BELT JONES 2, Kelly (who according to the trailer is "as violent as hell") actually plays an American agent named Lucas who arrives in Hong Kong to retrieve a stolen diamond. He eventually sorta teams up with the sidekick of the Chinese thug who possesses the diamond, but the two end up fighting near the climax anyway. There isn't really a lot to say about THE TATTOO CONNECTION; as cheapjack chopsocky goes, it's pretty typical, although the opening and closing fight scenes are more competently presented than the norm. Kelly is usually watchable, even though someone else less interesting dubs his voice, and his rotten dancing, opposite a sexy topless chick under the influence of a mickey, is laughable. Kelly pretty much retired around this time; not a big surprise, considering he was reduced to stuff like this and two Al Adamson movies.

TAXI DRIVER (1976)--Directed by Martin Scorsese. Stars Robert DeNiro, Cybill Shepherd, Jodie Foster, Harvey Keitel, Albert Brooks, Joe Spinell. Disturbing character study of Travis Bickle (DeNiro), a lonely and paranoid Vietnam vet who takes a job as a New York City cab driver. He becomes obsessed with a 12-year-old prostitute (Foster) and tries to rescue her from her ruthless pimp (Keitel). Probably DeNiro's best performance; the conversations between Keitel and himself seem to be improvised. Written by Paul Schrader. Gritty cinematography by Michael Chapman. Was Bernard Herrmann's last score; he died the day after its completion.

THE TEACHER (1974)—Directed by Hikmet Avedis. Stars Angel Tompkins, Jay North, Anthony James. Is it a sex comedy? Is it a psycho-killer movie? Like Shimmer, THE TEACHER is a sex comedy and a psycho-killer movie. Creepy perv James follows sexy schoolteacher Tompkins every day and spies on her whenever she sunbathes topless on her boat. James’ younger brother brings his pal North to the abandoned warehouse where James keeps his binoculars so they can stalk her too. James flips out and scares his brother into falling off a ledge, killing him. He simultaneously blames North for his brother’s death and threatens him not to tell the cops what happened. But, hey, he was in ‘Nam, so it all makes sense to him. Meanwhile, North’s mother, who has kind of a crush on her son, strangely pushes him into a sexual relationship with Tompkins. While they laugh it up having sex all the time, James runs around waving a bayonet around, threatening to cut them up. Nobody really seems very nervous about James skulking around their hedges with a sharp instrument.

Avedis has a real problem with pacing, but Tompkins and James are very good and almost make this Crown International potboiler work. She shows great enthusiasm in her many nude scenes with North, the former DENNIS THE MENACE star, but you’ll wish she hadn’t picked such a drip to fall for. You’d think he’d be happy having tons of sex with Angel Tompkins, but, noooo, he’s always whining about missing phone calls or getting home before his dad returns from work. Med Flory wisely doesn’t take his role as the beleaguered father very seriously, nor does Barry Atwater in one scene as a dorky sheriff. Marlene Schmidt, on the other hand, thinks she’s in the running for an Oscar as North’s mother. Shorty Rogers composed the kitschy score, while Sammy Fain and Paul Francis Webster, of all people, penned the title tune.

TEACHERS (1984)--Directed by Arthur Hiller. Stars Nick Nolte, JoBeth Williams, Ralph Macchio. MGM released this black comedy that wants to be the M*A*S*H of High School Movies, and even hired to direct it Arthur Hiller, who had made THE HOSPITAL, which had the same anarchic attitude. Nolte plays a burned-out teacher in a big-city high school that is being sued by a liberal lawyer (Williams) because her client graduated from the school, but is unable to read and write. W.R. McKinney's screenplay contains several subplots, including a 16-year-old girl's affair with the boys' gym teacher, an escaped mental patient who impersonates a history teacher, a cranky English teacher who dies during class--and no one notices (!), and Nolte's attempt to reach an incorrigible delinquent played by Macchio. TEACHERS veers back and forth between riotous comedy, heavy drama and maudlin preaching a bit rapidly at times, but I think it has enough good moments and very good performances to make it worth watching. The supporting cast is marvelous: Judd Hirsch, Royal Dano, Richard Mulligan, Lee Grant, Morgan Freeman, Madeleine Sherwood, Steven Hill, Allen Garfield, Laura Dern, Crispin Glover, Art Metrano, William Schallert, Mary Alice, Zohra Lampert, Ron Dean and Anthony Heald, who would go on to play a vice-principal in the similar Fox television series BOSTON PUBLIC. Songs by .38 Special, Bob Seger, Ian Hunter and others. Filmed in Columbus, Ohio.

TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE (2004)--Directed by Trey Parker. Stars Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Daran Norris, Kristen Miller. The creators of Comedy Central's SOUTH PARK spoof both the U.S. war in Iraq and the action oeuvre of Jerry Bruckheimer in this profane comedy. And, oh yeah, it stars puppets instead of human actors. Reportedly inspired by the British TV series THUNDERBIRDS and originally conceived as an exact remake of THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW using marionettes, this raucous slap in the face of left-wing Hollywood celebrities reaches a bit for laughs, even though it often forgets it's supposed to be making fun of bad action movies and actually becomes one.

Only Broadway actor Gary Johnston (voiced by director/co-writer/co-producer/songwriter Parker) can save the day when North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il (Parker) begins stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in an attempt to conquer the free world. Team America, a U.S.-based police force dedicated to wiping out international terrorism, is short a member after a mission in Paris, and recruits Gary to impersonate an Iraqi terrorist and learn the master plan. Turns out the plot is already underway, and involves the cooperation of Hollywood's most vocal liberals, including Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon and many others, none of whom, it should be pointed out, contributed their own voices to Parker's acidy depictions.

Technically, TEAM AMERICA is a wonder, filling the screen with splashy miniatures and marvelously detailed sets. Best of all, like the brilliant SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT, TEAM AMERICA is a musical with the songs providing the film's most reliable source of laughs, whether the lyrics are ripping on Ben Affleck's shortcomings as an actor or providing Team America's hilariously jingoistic battle cry: "America! Fuck yeah!" Harry Gregson-Williams, who has written several generic action scores, contributes another one, although that's really the point, and cinematographer Bill Pope (SPIDER-MAN) coats his wooden stars with a sheen that would make human movie stars envious. Several seconds of a sex scene--involving puppets--had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 rating.

TEAR GAS SQUAD (1940)--Directed by Terry O. Morse. Stars Dennis Morgan, John Payne, Gloria Dickson, George Reeves. An obnoxious nightclub singer (Morgan) joins the police force in order to impress a blonde (Dickson) from a family of cops. His instructor at the police academy (Payne) is also, of course, his rival for Dickson's affections. Morgan is quickly bounced from the force, but finds his training comes in handy when gangsters murder his drugstore-owning brother (Reeves). Not quite as action-packed as it sounds, TEAR GAS SQUAD is actually more of a musical comedy than a hard-hitting Warner Brothers crime drama. Irish tenor Morgan sings four or five songs, while most of the cop stuff takes place during the final reel. Only 55 minutes long (or about 45 if you fast-forward past Morgan's singing like I did). Also with Harry Shannon, John Hamilton, Edgar Buchanan, Dick Rich, Herbert Anderson, Ben Welden, Mary Gordon and William Hopper. Songs by M.K. Jerome and Jack Scholl. For Dennis Morgan fans only. Also known as STATE COP, a title just as misleading as TEAR GAS SQUAD. From the director of the American inserts featuring Raymond Burr for GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS.

TEEN WOLF (1985)--Directed by Rod Daniel. Stars Michael J. Fox, Susan Ursitti, James Hampton, Lorie Griffin, Jay Tarses. FAMILY TIES star Fox filmed this teen comedy before his role in BACK TO THE FUTURE, but it wasn't released until after the phenomenal success of the Spielberg time-travel comedy. Fox is a typical high-school kid with the hots for sex kitten Griffin, while remaining oblivious to his effect on perky pal Ursitti. One day Fox turns into a werewolf, and leads his basketball team to victory. He returns home, and finds out his father (Hampton) is a werewolf too. Fox is his usual likeable self, with good support from Hampton and Ursitti. An affable time-waster. Jason Bateman played the Fox role in TEEN WOLF TOO.

TEENAGE CAVEGIRL (2004)--Directed by Fred Olen Ray. Stars Jezebelle Bond, Kennedy Johnston, Evan Stone, Nicole Sheridan, Alexandre Boisvert, Jay Richardson. I doubt Ray spent more than $20,000 and five days on this softcore comedy. Parts were filmed in Bronson Canyon, and I bet the rest of it was shot in his own house. After sexing up a Neanderthal brute (Stone), sexy cave chick Bond leaps through a time portal to the 21st century, where she watches Johnston and Boisvert having sex in an RV. They take her home, and while Johnston has sex with her in the tub, Boisvert calls scientist Richardson and his hot wife over to run some tests on her. Basically, everybody has sex with everybody else, except for Richardson, the only real actor in the cast. It’s all pretty stupid, but the woman are terrific-looking and the sex pretty hot for this type of thing. Ray wrote and directed pseudonymously.

TEENAGE CAVEMAN (1958)--Directed by Roger Corman. Stars Robert Vaughn, Robert Shayne, Frank DeKova, Jonathan Haze, Darrah Marshall. Future U.N.C.L.E. agent Vaughn is "Boy", a prehistoric rebel without a cause who causes his tribal chief all kinds of problems. He fights an unconvincing monster. In the surprise ending, we realize the film is actually set in the future after a nuclear war! Corman swiped the dinosaur footage from ONE MILLION B.C. Try to spot Corman regular Beach Dickerson in four--count 'em!--four roles; he has three death scenes!

TEEN-AGE CRIME WAVE (1955)—Directed by Fred F. Sears. Stars Tommy Cook, Mollie McCart, Sue England, Jimmie Ogg. Watch out for “teen-age youths!” This independent production from the makers of THE GIANT CLAW tries to scare its audience into fearing teens, who are responsible for 25 percent of all American crimes, according to the opening crawl. Good girl Jane (England) is railroaded on an armed robbery charge and sent to reform school with Terry (McCart), the willing acquaintance who got her into the whole mess. On their way to the pen—but after one shower scene and one delicious catfight—Terry’s boyfriend Mike (Cook), one of the robbers, kills a deputy and springs the girls. The film then plays out like a Sam Katzman-produced ripoff of THE DESPERATE HOURS, which came out just a few weeks earlier. This is pure B-pic hokum with undistinguished suspense and performances, though pixie-haired McCart is a scrumptious seductress. Also with James Bell, Frank Griffin, and Kay Riehl. Katzman had to have been thinking of REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE when he set the climax at Griffith Park Observatory.

TEENAGE MOTHER (1967)--Directed by Jerry Gross. Stars Arlene Farber, Julie Ange, Howard LeMay, Frederick Riccio. Make sure you don’t screen this one in mixed company. What plays for its first hour or so as a routine but outdated juvenile delinquency drama decrying the effects of sex education on horny teens takes a turn for the bizarre when Gross splices into it an actual birth of a baby. It’s quite jarring to suddenly, without warning, have a close-up of a spread vagina pushed right into your face. Erika Petersen (Ange) arrives in a regular American town from Sweden (!) to teach sex ed at the local high school. Meanwhile, good girl Arlene (Farber) is dating baseball star Tony (LeMay), but sometimes flirts with bad boy Duke (Riccio), who attempts to rape Erika. When Arlene announces that she’s pregnant, her indignant dad blames the school system for teaching her about sex, leading to a town council meeting where the beautiful/horrifying birth film is shown. As usual for this type of film, the performers are much too old for their roles. However, it’s fun to see Fred Willard, later of FERNWOOD 2-NIGHT and many fine film comedies, playing it straight as a baseball coach. Filmed on Long Island, and featuring Gross’ earlier film, GIRL ON A CHAIN GANG, playing at a drive-in.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (1990)--Directed by Steve Barron. Stars Judith Hoag, Elias Koteas, and four short guys in plastic turtle costumes. Fast-paced and silly kiddie actioner based on the enormously popular comic book and TV cartoon series. Four sewer-dwelling, pizza-eating, slang-talking turtles battle crime in New York City. They focus on capturing a Japanese gang known as the Foot, when their rat mentor Splinter is kidnapped. Adults may become quickly bored, but it made over $100 million at the box office, and it couldn't all have come from kids! Followed by two less successful sequels.

TEEN-AGE STRANGLER (1964)--Directed by Bill Posner. Stars Bill A. Bloom, Jo Canterbury, John Ensign, Jim Asp. This terribly made independent thriller looks like a student film. The acting, directing, sound, sets and dialogue are all incredibly poor. Don't miss it! Someone is strangling women in a small West Virginia community. A teenage boy is the chief suspect. The actual culprit turns out to be the school's adult janitor, which makes the title meaningless. Filmed in Huntington, West Virginia. Music by Danny Dean & the Daredevils.

TEENAGE ZOMBIES (1959)—Directed by Jerry Warren. Stars Don Sullivan, Katherine Victor, Chuck Niles. Even though there really aren’t any teenage zombies in it, this chintzy horror flick is quite likely Warren’s best movie. It’s definitely among the few that won’t put you to sleep fifteen minutes into it. The ridiculous plot finds mad scientist Victor and her oafish zombie hulk assistant Ivan (Niles) working on a scheme to brainwash the entire U.S. population and turn them into mindless slaves to do her bidding. She captures four typical teens who row to her private island for some dancing and fun and cages them, while their friends on the mainland try to convince the lazy sheriff to search for the missing kids. The sets and costumes are super-cheap, which is the Jerry Warren way, after all, but it’s hilarious watching the lurid storyline unfold. This movie is not good, but by Warren standards, it’s quite enjoyable indeed. Also with Brianne Murphy, Steve Conte, Mitzie Albertson, Paul Pepper and Mike Concannon. Warren served as producer, writer, director, editor and music supervisor, mainly to avoid paying someone else to do it. His wife Murphy was the costumer.

TELEFON (1977)--Directed by Don Siegel. Stars Charles Bronson, Lee Remick, Donald Pleasence. Well-paced Bronson thriller gains points for its intriguing comic-book premise. During the Cold War, the KGB brainwashed 54 of their own agents and planted them in the United States, where they lived normal lives under normal identities. 15 years later, renegade agent Pleasence travels to the U.S., and, using a post-hypnotic suggestion (actually lines from a Robert Frost poem!), activates the agents, who then proceed to destroy various U.S. military sites before committing suicide. The FBI and CIA are stumped by these seemingly random acts of violence by saboteurs who seem to be nothing more than ordinary citizens. The KGB sends agent Bronson to stop Pleasence before World War III breaks out. He is teamed with CIA liaison Remick, who is also a double agent. Good and imaginative espionage tale, with support from Tyne Daly, Sheree North, Patrick Magee, John Mitchum, Roy Jenson, Jacqueline Scott, John Carter, Burton Gilliam, Robert Phillips and Frank Marth. DIRTY HARRY director Siegel replaced original helmer Peter Hyams, who retains a screenplay credit with Stirling Silliphant. Based on a novel by Walter Wagers. Music by Lalo Schifrin.

THE TEMP (1993)—Directed by Tom Holland. Stars Timothy Hutton, Lara Flynn Boyle, Faye Dunaway. Part of a strangely popular ‘90s subgenre (THE CRUSH, SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE) featuring sexy women using their wiles and maybe even murder to unnerve sweaty male authority figures, most likely inspired by FATAL ATTRACTION and BASIC INSTINCT. Peter Derns (Hutton), a marketing manager for an Oregon-based cookie company, receives a new temporary secretary, Kris Bolin (Boyle), when his regular assistant takes a leave of absence. A very efficient and attractive worker, Kris has Peter’s office looking and functioning better than ever. She does such a great job, in fact, that she is soon competing with Peter and the other office executives for the favor of company president Charlene Towne (Dunaway). After a few too-convenient fatal accidents make the path to Charlene’s office even easier for Kris, Peter begins to suspect that the sexpot may be pulling murderous strings. Marred by an unsatisfying, illogical ending (which smells of post-production tampering) and punctuated by implausible plot twists (how could Kris have arranged the shredder mauling or the deadly wasp attack?), THE TEMP just saunters along on the relative strength of Hutton’s confused stare and Boyle’s slow burn. It’s all pretty stupid with confusing red herrings and occasional spurts of gore. Holland manages to work up a few bits of suspense, but the dumb script is too much to fight. Also with Dwight Schultz (THE A-TEAM), Steven Weber (STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP), Maura Tierney (ER), Colleen Flynn and Oliver Platt.

10 (1979)--Directed by Blake Edwards. Stars Dudley Moore, Bo Derek, Julie Andrews, Robert Webber. Popular and poignant comedy that boosted the career of Moore, and turned Derek into an international superstar. Moore plays a successful Hollywood songwriter having a midlife crisis. He spots a breathtakingly gorgeous woman (Derek) on the way to her wedding, and becomes obsessed with her. He even follows her on her honeymoon in Acapulco to be near her, alienating girlfriend Andrews in the process. Moore and director Edwards handle the slapstick scenes well, and Derek, while not an actress, is certainly successful in projecting great beauty. Also with Dee Wallace, Sam J. Jones and an excellent turn by Brian Dennehy as a sympathetic bartender.

THE TEN (2007)—Directed by David Wain. Stars Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, Winona Ryder, Gretchen Mol, Ken Marino, Famke Janssen, A.D. Miles. The creative minds behind THE STATE and WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER take a stab at the Ten Commandments in this silly comedy anthology “hosted” by Rudd in a wraparound that casts him as a husband who leaves wife Janssen (X-MEN) for sexy young Alba (THE FANTASTIC FOUR). The funniest of the ten different episodes find a game Ryder falling in lust with a ventriloquist’s wooden dummy, a family man (Miles) who spends Sunday mornings hanging around the house naked with his friends while everyone is at church, and a virgin (Mol) who has an affair with Jesus Christ while vacationing in Mexico. One segment is animated, and another is a very tasteless segment about prison rape. Even the dullest segments should make you crack a smile or two, and they’re over with before they become too annoying. Also appearing are Ron Silver, Adam Brody, Liev Schreiber, Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, Justin Theroux (as Christ), Zac Orth, Janeane Garofalo, Rashida Jones, Bobby Cannavale and Oliver Platt.

10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983)--Directed by J. Lee Thompson. Stars Charles Bronson, Andrew Stevens, Lisa Eilbacher, Gene Davis. Less than a decade after DEATH WISH helped make him one of the world's leading movie stars, 61-year-old Charles Bronson began a long association with Cannon schlockmeisters Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus by reprising his role as vigilante architect Paul Kersey in the dismal DEATH WISH II. A year later, Bronson pinned on a cop badge and took more or less the same character to the next level in this sleazy crime drama that was released right in the middle of the low-budget slasher craze.

Someone is killing beautiful and usually naked young girls in Los Angeles. "Mean, selfish sonuvabitch" cop Leo Kessler (Bronson) is on the case, teamed with a by-the-book new partner, Paul McAnn (Stevens), a college graduate with a more cerebral approach to catching bad guys. The two latest victims were friends of Kessler's daughter Laurie (Eilbacher), a nursing student who feels neglected by her father and attracted to his new partner. The killer's identity is no mystery to us and barely one to Kessler: Warren Stacey (Davis), a sexually repressed film buff striking back at women who reject his advances by stripping completely naked and stabbing them with a large knife. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud--or even a first-year psychology student--to understand the symbolism hammered into our heads by director Thompson (THE GUNS OF NAVARONE) and scenarist William Roberts (THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN). Kessler is an old-fashioned cop who remembers when "'legal' meant 'lawful'", instead of loopholes intended to set killers free to murder again. And, sure enough, when his attempt at planting evidence fails, freeing the arrogant young madman and costing Kessler his badge, the determined veteran becomes obsessed with stopping Stacey's bloody reign, maybe even at the cost of Laurie's life.

The closest Bronson ever came to a straight horror movie, 10 TO MIDNIGHT (the title is meaningless, probably one presold by Cannon to foreign backers and tacked on to the movie in post-production) is certainly the best film he made for Golan and Globus, and what it lacks in typical cop-movie shenanigans like shootouts and car chases, it makes up for in gore and nudity. Indeed, it's a bit surprising to see such a sleazy movie being created by the likes of Bronson, 70-year-old Roberts and 69-year-old Thompson.

Perhaps the bravest performance is by Davis, who plays his slashing scenes completely in the buff, even one set in a cold forest in the middle of the night. He takes an unusual approach to his mad killer, underplaying instead of the raving histrionics we usually see in serial-killer movies, and while 10 TO MIDNIGHT doesn't seem to have done much for his career, the dedication he shows is appreciated. Bronson could play this role in his sleep, and who knows, maybe he did, but his presence and power can't be denied. TV vets Eilbacher (THE HARDY BOYS MYSTERIES) and Stevens (CODE RED) have less to play, but handle their supporting roles as well as anyone could.

Bronson worked consistently for Cannon through the rest of the 1980's, churning out at least one movie a year, most of them directed by Thompson, with whom Old Stone Face worked nine times in his career. Cannon also signed action stars Chuck Norris and Michael Dudikoff to exclusive contracts, making sure theaters around the world would never be deprived of low-budget action junk. Critics and audiences began taking Bronson less seriously as he romped in undistinguished fare like ASSASSINATION and DEATH WISH III; even in more substantial movies like THE EVIL THAT MEN DO, he was pretty much ignored. He opened the '90s with an acclaimed supporting role in Sean Penn's heavy drama THE INDIAN RUNNER, but managed only one theatrical release, the dreary DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (can you believe it?), after that.

Also with Wilford Brimley, Robert F. Lyons (also in Bronson's MURPHY'S LAW), Geoffrey Lewis, Kelly Preston, Ola Ray, Jeana Tomasina (THE BEACH GIRLS), June Gilbert, Paul McCallum (Bronson's stepson from his marriage to Jill Ireland), Jerome Thor, future director Deran Sarafian (TERMINAL VELOCITY) and Cosie Costa. Music by Robert O. Ragland. Eilbacher moved on to BEVERLY HILLS COP, but her career sputtered after that. Stevens became a direct-to-video and late-night-cable staple, soon moving behind the camera to produce the kind of dreck he had been starring in. Bronson and Thompson worked together for the last time on 1989's KINJITE. It was Thompson's final film; the director of CAPE FEAR, two PLANET OF THE APES films and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME died in 2002 at the age of 88.

TENDER LOVING CARE (1974)--Directed by Don Edmonds. Stars Donna Desmond, Marilyn Joi, Leah Simon, John Daniels, Buck Flower, Josh Taylor. New World released this unofficial sequel to THE STUDENT NURSES and PRIVATE DUTY NURSES. It even has the same plot. Three sexy nurses move in together and experience unusual romantic entanglements. An orderly (Flower) catches Simon stealing morphine for her junkie doctor boyfriend and blackmails her for sex. Joi gets involved with washed-up boxer Daniels, who considers becoming a pimp. Desmond has a thing for a cute blond doctor, but takes up instead with a cocky dune-buggy driver named Reno (future DAYS OF OUR LIVES and THE HOGAN FAMILY star Taylor, billed as “Tim Taylor”) who invites her to participate in a foursome. Edmonds, who went on to the notorious ILSA series, directs with a fluid camera sense and a tight storytelling style, making TLC one of the best of producer Roger Corman’s “3 Girls” pictures. Also with Albert Cole, John Victor, Michael Asher and Kathy Hilton.

TENEBRAE (1982)--Directed by Dario Argento. Stars Anthony Franciosa, John Saxon, Daria Nicolodi, Giuliano Gemma. TENEBRAE is the onscreen title (and the title of a novel written by Franciosas character), although the video and DVD packaging read TENEBRE. American mystery writer Peter Neal (Franciosa), in Rome for a publicity junket arranged by his agent (Saxon), becomes involved in a series of murders seemingly copied from his latest best seller (which translates to Darkness in English). With the help of his secretary (Nicolodi) and the detective (Gemma) assigned to the case, Neal investigates the brutal killings, which leads to a number of imaginative and unexpected twists in Argento's screenplay. Perhaps Argento's most plot-driven thriller, the story may not completely hold water if examined closely enough, but it is clever, and I have to admit that the climax came as a complete surprise to me. The bloody killings (including one victim whose hand is graphically severed by an axe) are colorfully captured by cinematographer Luciano Tovolis camera, and Argento's most audacious shot involves using a Louma crane to examine the exterior of a house by climbing over the roof and down the opposite wall. Also with Christian Borromeo, Veronica Lario, Eva Robins, John Steiner and the voice of Theresa Russell (who reportedly dubbed Nicolodi for the U.S. release). Three of the four original members of Goblin reunited to contribute the rock score. One of Argento's best. Gemma appeared in a number of Italian westerns in the '60s billed as Montgomery Wood on American prints.

TENEMENT (1985)--Directed by Roberta Findlay. Stars Joe Lynn, Enrique Sandico, Paul Calderon. Findlay, who made several underground softcore films with her late husband Michael, directed this very violent urban thriller that received an X rating for violence from the MPAA. The story is simple enough: a South Bronx street gang, led by the psychopathic Chaco (Sandico), invades the tenement home of a disparate group of citizens and tortures, humiliates, rapes and murders several of them over a long summer night. The residents include an old Jewish woman, the alcoholic slob Hispanic handyman, a tough black man (Lynn), a junkie and his hooker girlfriend, an older black couple, a very pregnant Latina and a sour black woman and her daughter. Many of these people don't last the night and in pretty graphic fashion. TENEMENT is well-made, considering its budget and subject matter, and if you like lean, claustrophobic gorefests with "no redeeming social value" (as the MPAA told the director when they delivered an X), this is for you. Even though the performances aren't Oscar-caliber, Findlay builds up the victims' personalities so that their tragedies carry some weight. Of the cast, only Calderon has managed much of a career, building up several supporting roles in films and TV, including LAW & ORDER guest shots.

TENTACLES (1977)--Directed by Ovidio Assonitis (as Oliver Hellman). Stars John Huston, Shelley Winters, Bo Hopkins, Claude Akins, Henry Fonda, Cesare Danova. Assonitis, who also ripped off THE EXORCIST with BEYOND THE DOOR and PIRANHA with the sequel-in-name-only PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING (James Cameron's directing debut), produced and directed this cheapjack JAWS ripoff about a giant octopus (which growls like a caged cougar) terrorizing a Southern California community. A baby in a stroller and a couple of professional divers are among the early victims. Reporter Ned Turner (Huston) and diving champ Will Gleason (Hopkins) discover the octopus is attracted by radio waves, and was created as the result of underground digging by the Trojan Tunnel Corporation, owned by Mr. Whitehead (Fonda). The octopus (which is also referred to as a squid; never mind that an octopus and a squid are not the same) is finally thrashed by Will's pet sharks in a poorly photographed climax that might have been filmed by attacking a real octopus with shark puppets in an aquarium filled with murky water.

Surprisingly, there are a couple of things about TENTACLES that I actually liked. The first is the opening sequence in which a baby--soon to be the monster's first victim--is placed in the background of the shot, and, using nervous cutting and the rush of traffic whooshing past in the foreground, a fair amount of suspense is generated. The viewer is really put on edge during this scene; sadly, none of the later octopus attacks is filmed with any amount of tension even remotely similar to this opening.

The other positive aspect is Huston's performance. The legendary actor/director (THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE) is lively and fun to watch, and his extra efforts are appreciated, considering the screenplay contains no decent dialogue or even a well-rounded character to play. Likewise, Hopkins does his best, but since he's given some of the stupidest words to say that I've ever heard coming out of an actor's mouth, it emerges as a valiant attempt at a performance. His pre-battle pep talk to the sharks is laugh-out-loud hilarious: "I'm askin ya to help me kill this octopus. I don't want it this way, but if I release ya, and ya go away, I want ya to know I understand. I know people think we're crazy. And maybe we are. Maybe we are."

Conversely, Fonda, who also popped up in METEOR, THE SWARM and THE GREAT SMOKEY ROADBLOCK around this time, seems pretty embarrassed by his minor role. His scenes were surely all filmed in one day, and he and Assonitis don't even bother to reshoot the takes in which he fumbles his dialogue. He also appears to be constipated. Winters, as Huston's party doll sister; Akins, as the cop on the case; and Danova, as Fonda's inept assistant, turn in serviceable work in a movie I'm sure they neglected to place on their resumes.

Co-writer Steve Carabatsos spent a couple of weeks as STAR TREK's story editor, churning out the teleplay for one good episode, "Operation: Annihilate", during that period. Stelvio Cipriani's score wouldn't be out of place as establishing music on THE LOVE BOAT. Variety originally reviewed a 102-minute cut, but the version I saw, which carried an MGM logo (although TENTACLES was released in America by AIP), ran just under an hour-and-a-half. Script, direction, editing and photography are all subpar, although the production isn't helped by the cruddy cropped print (TENTACLES was filmed at 2.35:1) I saw on the Flix cable network. Also with the lovely Delia Boccardo (HIGH CRIME) as Hopkins' hot wife, Sherry Buchanan and Alan Boyd. Aka TENTACOLI.

TEQUILA SUNRISE (1988)--Directed by Robert Towne. Stars Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kurt Russell. Gibson and Russell were the best of friends in high school. Twenty years later, Gibson is a retired cocaine dealer with a heart of gold, and Russell is a dedicated L.A. narc. Russell's not convinced of Gibson's retirement, and looks for a way to put his friendly rival behind bars. Meanwhile, both men fall in love with a gorgeous restaurant owner (Pfeiffer). The stars are good in this intriguing love triangle, even though you never quite believe Gibson's amiable character was ever successful as a dope peddler. Director Towne, who also wrote the screenplay, is better with the dialogue scenes than with the action sequences. Also with Raul Julia, Arliss Howard and J.T. Walsh.

TERMINAL COUNTDOWN (1999)--Directed by Richard Pepin. Stars Louis Gossett Jr., Jaimz Woolvett, Sarah Chalke, Ed O'Ross. Originally released in 1999 as Y2K to cash in on the public's paranoia against the world's computers crashing on the first day of the new millennium and plunging us all into a dark existence of rioting and starvation (at least, that's how the mass media tried to scare us), this routine actioner from PM Entertainment was re-released to DVD as TERMINAL COUNTDOWN at the end of 2001. It's pretty tame in comparison to PM's usual fare of exploding cars and spectacular stunts.

Gossett is all bluster and charisma as government scientist Morgan Shaughnessy, who's first seen wasting away in a Veterans Administration hospital where he was sentenced after a violent run-in with some military brass. On January 1, 2000, a computer glitch causes a secret missile installation in Colombia (spelled "Columbia" in the subtitles) to activate and threaten to fire a nuclear device aimed at Moscow in less than two days. Morgan, who designed the computer program in the 1970s and is the only man alive who knows how to deactivate its defensive booby traps, is recruited to join the commando team assigned to stop the missile launch, along with wimp computer hacker Vincent (Woolvett, too old for the role and a long way from UNFORGIVEN) and CIA spook Fairchild (O'Ross). Once in the South American jungle, with the hours ticking away, the squad encounters a beautiful KGB agent (Chalke), an ambush, traps, a drug ring, and even betrayal from within the ranks. And the clock keeps ticking...

Clearly made on the cheap and probably in a hurry to capitalize on the Y2K craze as quickly as possible, TERMINAL COUNTDOWN isn't one of PM's shining moments. The jungle of Colombia more closely resembles a Canadian forest preserve, and even the sets appear haphazardly constructed. Most odd is an American military installation set in which the actors' breath can clearly be seen (!); where did producer/director Pepin film this scene--a freezer? It isn't a particularly bad film, but not especially good either. Gossett and O'Ross (48 HOURS), the old pros of the cast, at least seem to care, and young Chalke, the 2nd "Becky" on TV's ROSANNE, affects a decent Russian accent. The stunts and action scenes are merely perfunctory though, and by the time the good guys and bad guys are slugging it out in a quagmire of quicksand, you'll be ready for it all to end.

Also with Malcolm McDowell as an Army general, Rick Ravanello, Ismael Carlo and Adam Harrington. Music by John Sponsler. Talk about a no-frills DVD (from First Look Home Entertainment)--there's only one function on the static menu (which features a picture of the cover): "Play". No chapter stops either. Pepin presumably designed the full-frame image with the direct-to-video release in mind.

TERMINAL ISLAND (1973)--Directed by Stephanie Rothman. Stars Don Marshall, Phyllis Davis, Barbara Leigh, Geoffrey Deuel, Sean Kenney, Roger E. Mosley, Tom Selleck, Marta Kristen. Exploitation film with an interesting premise. After the death penalty is rescinded in California, convicted murderers are sent to Terminal Island to serve their life sentences. There are no guards or walls, and the prisoners (male and female) are free to set up camp, grow their own food, and even raise families. The prisoners have split into two camps: one sadistic in which the women are used as sex slaves, led by the vicious Monk (Mosley) and Bobby (Kenney), and one peaceful, led by A.J. (Marshall). Plenty of nudity and violence, but with an offbeat feminist twist. Rothman's direction is fast-paced, and the experienced cast is credible. Selleck plays a heroin-addicted doctor convicted of a mercy killing. He has poked fun at this movie on talk shows, but has a good sense of humor about it, and really has no reason to be ashamed of it. He and Mosley later went on to costar in MAGNUM, P.I., Davis (who has a topless scene) in VEGA$; Marshall was previously on LAND OF THE GIANTS, Kristen on LOST IN SPACE.

TERMINAL RUSH (1995)--Directed by Damian Lee. Stars Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Roddy Piper, Michael Anderson Jr. DIE HARD in a dam. Terrorists led by fey Brit Harrison Dekker (Anderson from THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER) and his right-hand man Bartel (Piper, inexplicably wearing raccoon makeup) take over a dam and threaten to explode it unless they're paid $25 million. Small-town cop Harper (Wilson, a half-Asian actor portraying a half-breed Indian), whose father is one of Dekker's hostages, sneaks into the dam and takes out Dekker's men one at a time. Pretty standard direct-to-video fare that promises a major bout between kickboxing champion Wilson and pro wrestling legend Piper, but doesn't pay off. Also with Kate Greenhouse, Brian Warren and Brett Halsey.

TERMINAL VELOCITY (1994)--Directed by Deran Sarafian. Stars Charlie Sheen, Nastassja Kinski. Kinski's first major film in years was this silly but fun action flick involving Russian spies, stolen gold and a hotshot skydiver (Sheen) who accidentally gets involved with an international incident. Nasty fakes her own death in a parachuting accident to set Sheen up for a fall. As an example of how crazy this movie is, one of the action sequences has Sheen and Kinski dropped out of an airplane along with a shiny red convertible, and Sheen digging out the keys to get the chutes locked in the car's trunk--while the car's in freefall! Sheen isn't a particularly good actor, but I think he knows it and how stupid this all is, so while he's winking at us, we go along with the joke. Also with Christopher McDonald, James Gandolfini and Melvin Van Peebles.