UNDER SIEGE (1992)--Directed by Andrew Davis.  Stars Steven Seagal, Gary Busey, Tommy Lee Jones, Erika Eleniak.  In what is probably his best movie, Seagal is Casey Ryback, a kung-fu-fighting Navy cook stationed about the battleship Missouri.  It’s basically DIE HARD at Sea, because when ex-CIA agent Jones and corrupt 1st officer Busey take over the ship, murder the captain, and strand the crew in the bowels to be drowned, Ryback is the only seaman free to fight back.  J.F. Lawton must have had his tongue in his cheek when he thought up Ryback’s sidekick, Jordan Tate (Eleniak), a centerfold girl hired to jump out of a cake at the captain’s birthday party whose presence on-board, when you think about it, makes no sense at all.  Obviously added to give this sausagefest a slight female presence (and to bare her boobs briefly), Eleniak is a good sport, and so is the rest of the cast, who clearly relish their roles and play along nicely with Davis’ fast-paced direction.  Also with Patrick O’Neal, Andy Romano, Glenn Morshower (24), Bernie Casey, Colm Meaney and Nick Mancuso.  Davis, who earlier directed ABOVE THE LAW, Seagal’s film debut, later directed Jones to an Oscar in THE FUGITIVE.

UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995)--Directed by Geoff Murphy.  Stars Steven Seagal, Eric Bogosian, Katherine Heigl, Everett McGill.  Seagal’s seventh film was his first sequel and a darned good one.  If the first UNDER SIEGE was DIE HARD on a battleship, this one is DIE HARD on a passenger train.  Navy SEAL Casey Ryback (Seagal), who undertakes secret government missions between appearances at his Denver restaurant, is taking his orphaned teenage niece Sarah (16-year-old Heigl, later a star on GREY’S ANATOMY) to Los Angeles on a train taken over by terrorist Travis Dane (Bogosian), who needs a moving base from which to aim a hijacked weapons satellite at the Pentagon without being detected.  Action specialist Murphy (YOUNG GUNS II) stages some very creative action sequences in the train’s confined space.  Bogosian, who is an interesting choice for villain, plays Dane too glibly and without much threat, even though McGill as his right-hand man Penn is a menacing match-up for Seagal.  Nick Mancuso and Andy Romano return from UNDER SIEGE, alongside Kurtwood Smith (ROBOCOP), Jonathan Banks, Brenda Bakke, Peter Greene, Dale Dye, Patrick Kilpatrick and Morris Chestnut (HALF PAST DEAD) as the black comic relief.  Music by Basil Poledouris.

UNDERCOVER BROTHER (2002)--Directed by Malcolm D. Lee.  Stars Eddie Griffin, Aunjanue Ellis, Chris Kattan, Denise Richards, Chi McBride, Dave Chappelle, Gary Anthony Williams, Neil Patrick Harris, Billy Dee Williams.

To screenwriter William Lawlor's credit, THE UNDERGROUND may be the first action movie to use renegade disco musicians as its bad guys.  He also contributes some quirky dialogue and character tics, such as Donegan's love of Barry Manilow songs.  McKay, a busy stuntman and second-unit director, handles the directing chores quite well, staging a good number of rousing chase scenes crazy enough to allow a generous suspension of disbelief (you'd be surprised what poor drivers L.A. policemen are).  The finale, which finds Fahey leaping from car to car on a busy freeway, is quite a corker. 

THE UNDERGROUND (the poorly chosen title has little to do with the movie) shows signs of post-production woes:  Singer's two partners disappear from the story without a trace, and Jillian McWhirter (THE RAGE) as a cute detective seems to have suffered from editing woes as well.  L.A.'s tricky weather caused some scenes to be shot in a bleak rainstorm and others in bright sunlight; unfortunately, they don't cut together too well when they're supposed to be taking place in the same day (McKay bravely tries to address the problem with post-synched dialogue).  And the subplot involving Fahey's improbably hot wife, which was likely created to give the actor some extra dramatic scenes, is left dangling at the end.  Not that you'll be complaining much.  After all, THE UNDERGROUND was created to deliver some jolts of action mixed with good-natured comic relief, and it does that quite nicely.  Also with Kenneth Tigar, Brion James and Debbie James.  Music by John Gonzalez.  Fahey was an associate producer.  He and James also appeared together in SKETCH ARTIST II and SILVERADO, and James was a guest star on Fahey's unfortunately shortlived TV series THE MARSHAL.

UNDERGROUND ACES (1980)--Directed by Robert Butler.  Stars Dirk Benedict, Melanie Griffith, Robert Hegyes, Kario Salem, Frank Gorshin.  Some TV stars and a TV director get together for a typical-for-the-era madcap youth comedy about parking lot attendants.  The "Underground Aces" park and maintain the vehicles belonging to guests of the posh Beverly Plaza Hotel.  Instead of working, they spend most of their time crashing cars, getting under the skin of the tightly wound house dick Kruger (Gorshin), and picking up girls.  Huff (Benedict) is the new guy, a fast-talking college dropout with a yen for Lucy (Griffith).  Besides a wild game of "auto-soccer" (played using two cars and a 7-foot inflatable ball) and a brief topless shot, this PG-rated comedy is too tame to be of much interest, although the attractive cast is game, and some of the slapstick, including a wild Rube Goldberg-type gag involving a bowling ball, is fun. 

What's most interesting about ACES is its cast:  Benedict (hot off BATTLESTAR GALACTICA), Hegyes (WELCOME BACK, KOTTER), Salem (who would later become an Emmy-winning screenwriter), Randy Brooks (who had just been on a shortlived sitcom called BROTHERS & SISTERS), an uncomfortable Jerry Orbach, Rick Podell (soon to script Jackie Gleason's final film, NOTHING IN COMMON, and later a CBS Gleason biopic), Michael Winslow (the funny-noise guy from the POLICE ACADEMY movies), T.K. Carter, Audrey Landers, Sid Haig, Gina Gallego, Ernie Hudson and a young Nicky Katt (THE LIMEY).  Pete Rugolo (THE FUGITIVE) did the music with the Commodores performing the theme.  Future directors Bradford May (DARKMAN II) and Drew Sidaris (GUNS) worked behind the scenes.  And there are picture credits.  Gorshin's character is named "Fred Kruger" (!) in the main titles, but Orbach calls him "Harry".  Co-writer James Carabatsos is better known for '80s thrillers like HEARTBREAK RIDGE.  Butler's last (to date) theatrical release was 1997's TURBULENCE.  From Filmways.

UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING (2006)—Directed by Isaac Florentine.  Stars Michael Jai White, Scott Adkins, Eli Danker.  You’ll be forgiven for never having heard of UNDISPUTED, which starred Wesley Snipes and Ving Rhames as inmates who box each other in a prison match.  This Nu Image DTV sequel has little to do with that movie, although it casts White (SPAWN) as George Chambers, the Rhames character.  Since Florentine (BRIDGE OF DRAGONS) shot the sequel in Bulgaria, Chambers ends up in Russia, capitalizing on his (small) fame by shooting TV commercials.  He’s framed on a drug offense and sent to a gulag, where he butts heads with psycho prisoner Boyka (Adkins), the prison’s freestyle fighting champion.  Of course, the whole frame-up was instigated by a powerful Russian gangster, in association with the warden and George’s agent, to pit the two badasses against each other in the ring and bet big money on the outcome.

It's a comedown from Florentine's excellent U.S. SEALS II and BRIDGE OF DRAGONS.  Watching two muscle-bound dudes punching each other in the face over and over doesn't match up to the fantasy dream world of BRIDGE OF DRAGONS or the deliriously OTT battles in U.S. SEALS II.  The story isn't realistic or sensible, but that's okay--it's a DTV sequel to a movie that nobody even knows exists anyway.  The fights are fun, but not really my cup o' tea, nothing like the awesome final match-up between Eli Danker and Marshall Teague in Florentine's SPECIAL FORCES, a climax that makes watching the first standard 70 minutes worthwhile.  By the way, Danker also appears in this—and seemingly every other Nu Image—movie, making him, in effect, Bulgaria’s version of Vic Diaz.

UNFORGIVEN (1992)--Directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman, Richard Harris. A dark and foreboding Western that won Eastwood his first Academy Award as Best Director. Clint is Missouri farmer William Munny, a formerly vicious gunfighter who killed dozens of men, women, and children before marrying and raising kids of his own. He finds his past is hard to escape, when he teams up with old partner Freeman to collect a bounty being offered by a group of prostitutes against the bandits who beat up one of the girls. Hackman won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as brutal town sheriff "Little Bill" Daggett, who runs his town in his own violent way and resents a pair of bounty hunters getting in his way. While there are certainly moments of violence, they are shown as being unpleasant and the antithesis of Eastwood's usual crowd-pleasing action scenes. All three lead characters are well-written, and given unusual depth by the veteran performers. Also with Saul Rubinek, Frances Farmer and Anthony James. Was named Best Picture of 1992; David Webb Peoples' stark script also won an Oscar.

THE UNHOLY ROLLERS (1972)--Directed by Vernon Zimmerman. Stars Claudia Jennings, Louis Quinn, Jay Varela, Roberta Collins, Candice Roman, Alan Vint. Seeing drive-in icons Roberta Collins and Claudia Jennings in this American International film—so vibrant and sultry and undeniably interesting—makes their untimely deaths feel doubly tragic. Especially Jennings, the 1969 Playboy Playmate of the Year, who died in a car accident ten years later, leaving behind a legacy of defiant performances in exploitation flicks like TRUCK STOP WOMEN, THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE, and this roller derby yarn undoubtedly inspired by KANSAS CITY BOMBER (Jennings is even a redhead like the latter film’s star, Raquel Welch).

Although Vernon Zimmerman (FADE TO BLACK) is not much of a director, he and co-writer Howard Cohen (DEATHSTALKER) have a sure ear for satire. Their character study of a struggling roller derby newcomer masks elbow jabs at a crumbling Americana, including a wobbly, crackling, skipping LP of “The Star Spangled Banner” that opens the picture. Jennings literally takes shots at American consumerism; hey, I never said Zimmerman was subtle about it.

To give THE UNHOLY ROLLERS more credit, knowing Martin Scorsese was its supervising editor, one can’t help wondering whether it was any influence on RAGING BULL. Both films have virtually the same story, exploring the rise and fall of a volatile athlete competing in a seedy, corrupt atmosphere.

Jennings is Karen Walker, an ambitious assembly-line worker who tells off her lecherous boss and quits with dreams of joining the roller derby circuit. Showing off her skating skills (as well as her more obvious physical attributes) during an open tryout, Karen lands a spot on the Los Angeles Avengers, much to the initial displeasure of her teammates, who attack her during a post-game party and strip her naked on a pool table. Karen falls for greasy teammate Nick (Varela), while her naked ambition and arrogance affects her relationships with friendly roomie Donna (Roman) and Donna’s goofy boyfriend Greg (Vint). The brassy Collins (THE BIG DOLL HOUSE), who passed away in 2008, registers strongly as Avenger Jennifer, whose antagonism belies an intelligence common to her performances.

After all the nice words I’ve written, it would be nice to proclaim THE UNHOLY ROLLERS a good film. Unfortunately, the whole is much less than the sum of its parts. Despite Jennings’ delicious charisma and the greasy roller derby milieu, the movie is too ragged to be considered anything more than an interesting failure. Also with Kathleen Freeman, Joe E. Tata, Charlene Jones, Mike Miller, Victor Argo, and John Harmon. Producer John Prizer later made SWITCHBLADE SISTERS.

THE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ODDBALL (1979)--Directed by Russ Mayberry. Stars Dennis Dugan, Ron Moody, Jim Dale, Kenneth More. A Disney update of Mark Twain's A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHURS COURT. A young American astronaut (Dugan) and his robot double are accidentally transported backwards in time to the reign of King Arthur (More). There he runs afoul of the evil plans of Merlin the magician (Moody) to overthrow the king. Amusing comedy will entertain the kids. From the director of FER-DE-LANCE.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (1992)--Directed by Roland Emmerich.  Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Ally Walker, Jerry Orbach, Ed O’Ross.  How can fans resist the first and only (to date) screen teaming of ‘90s action icons Van Damme and Lundgren?  The two slabs play U.S. soldiers killed in Vietnam who are brought back to life twenty years later to serve as super-powered cyborgs.  Of course, the off-the-books government project goes awry when J-C starts to have flashes of his former life.  He escapes the project and goes on the run with pretty TV reporter Walker, while evil colonel O’Ross and the rest of his “UniSols,” including Lundgren—who reverts to the sadistic psycho who killed civilians in the war—pursue them.

The first Hollywood hit by the director of bloated blockbusters INDEPENDENCE DAY and GODZILLA, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER has a wretched script (duh, it was written by Dean Devlin, after all), but remains good fun and one of the best movies either star ever made.  Van Damme’s and Lundgren’s limited ranges aren’t noticeable, since they’re playing emotionless automatons, though Walker, who always resembles a deer caught in headlights, doesn’t have the same excuse.  Emmerich replaced Andrew Davis (THE FUGITIVE), who would have been an interesting choice.  Also with Simon Rhee, Ralf Moeller, Leon Rippy, Rance Howard and Tiny Lister.  Music by Christopher Franke.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN (1999)—Directed by Mic Rodgers. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Bill Goldberg, Kiana Tom, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley. J-C sank into the direct-to-video world after this sequel failed to light up the box office. Despite the epic fail the first time around in 1992’s UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, the government is still turning dead military men into zombified killing machines. Van Damme, who survived his initial bout against Dolph Lundgren, is now in charge of training the UniSols, which are being developed by Dr. Cotner (Berkeley) and Maggie (buxom ESPN fitness expert Tom). Cotner has created a supercomputer called SETH (voiced by White) to keep the UniSols from revolting like they did in the first movie, but anyone who has seen 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY can guess what happens next.

Rodgers, a stuntman directing his first film, knows how to deliver the action, starting with a pip of a boat chase through a Texas swamp. Pro wrestler Goldberg as out-of-control UniSol 2500 Romeo is a terrific adversary for Van Damme, who is looser and more charismatic than he was in the first film. Genre writers John Fasano (ANOTHER 48 HRS.) and William Malone (HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL), who should know better, concoct a terribly stupid script, including a “wacky” computer expert named Squid and giving Van Damme a young daughter to place into danger. They’re even lazy enough to give Van Damme yet another female TV reporter sidekick (Schanz). A smaller yet significant setback is the film’s limited setting. Probably because of budget limitations, most of the action takes place within a sterile-looking military facility. At least it doesn’t overstay its welcome at 82 minutes. Also with Brett Hinkley, Justin Lazard, Karis Paige Bryant, and Daniel Von Bargen. Don Davis’ use of heavy-metal guitars in the score is lazy and uninspired.

UNKNOWN ISLAND (1948)—Directed by Jack Bernhard.  Stars Richard Denning, Virginia Grey, Philip Reed, Barton MacLane, Dick Wessel, Ray “Crash” Corrigan.  While the special effects in this ratty science fiction movie may rival THE GIANT CLAW for ineptitude, director Bernhard and independent producer Albert J. Cohen put them out there front and center for the audience to enjoy.  Which we do, but not for the reason they must have thought.

Film Classics, which distributed dozens of low-budget pictures, probably made a pretty penny with this programmer, which is quite entertaining in spite, or maybe because, of its clichéd screenplay and junky effects.  World War II veteran Ted Osborne (Reed) and his fiancé Carole (top-billed Grey) recruit a lusty sea captain (MacLane) and a dashing drunk (Denning) to accompany their expedition to a remote South Pacific island, where Ted believes he saw dinosaurs while flying over it during the war.  Turns out he was right; the island is overrun with hand-puppet dinos, men-in-clumsy-suit T-Rexes and a ratty orange prehistoric gorilla (Corrigan) that menace the party when it becomes stranded.

Surprisingly for a film of this budget and vintage, UNKNOWN ISLAND is shot in color (Cinecolor), which especially flatters the beautiful Grey.  It adds a bit of class to a junky movie that needs it.  The performers, particularly the colorful MacLane, tackle their nondescript roles with gusto, but seem well aware they’re playing second fiddle to the monsters, with which they share the frame only during occasional rear-projection shots.  They were probably mortified to see the shambling man-in-suit monsters (it’s particularly humorous when they fall down), and Corrigan’s rampaging beast appears to be normal-sized until it emerges from the jungle to fight a dino near the climax.  UNKNOWN ISLAND appears to be the first SF movie in Denning’s career, which would ultimately be defined by his appearance in beloved genre pics like CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, THE BLACK SCORPION, CREATURE WITH THE ATOM BRAIN and DAY THE WORLD ENDED.

UNLAWFUL ENTRY (1992)--Directed by Jonathan Kaplan.  Stars Kurt Russell, Ray Liotta, Madeleine Stowe.  Liotta steals this slick 20th Century Fox thriller as psychotic street cop Pete Davis, who ingratiates himself with a suburban couple, Michael (Russell) and Karen (Stowe) Carr, after a break-in at their home.  He shows up uninvited at Michael’s work party and stalks beautiful Karen.  When he catches the burglar who threatened Karen in her kitchen, he makes Michael watch while he beats the guy.  Eventually, he spies on the couple making love and frames Michael on dope charges so he can have Karen to himself.  Liotta’s performance is very good, convincingly alternating between lonely little boy and raging lunatic.  Russell’s reasonable pacifist pushed to his limit balances Liotta’s dangerous flamboyance.  Lewis Colick’s screenplay is one of those stories that wouldn’t hold a drop of water if you thought about it more than a second, but the skillful acting and direction distract you from the script’s implausibilities.  Roger E. Mosley (MAGNUM, P.I.), Andy Romano, Sherrie Rose, Dick Miller, Ken Lerner, Bob Minor, Djimon Hounson and Carmen Argenziano also star.  Music by James Horner.  From the director of TRUCK TURNER and THE ACCUSED.

UNLEASHED (2005)--Directed by Louis Leterrier.  Stars Jet Li, Bob Hoskins, Morgan Freeman, Kerry Condon.  Leterrier, who previously made THE TRANSPORTER with writer/producer Luc Besson (THE PROFESSIONAL), went to London to direct this ludicrous martial-arts flick.  Danny (Li) has been raised since childhood as a dog by crude loan shark Bart (Hoskins).  All Danny knows is his underground pit, where he eats dog food, never bathes, and wears a metal collar.  He also knows how to fight like an animal, and is Bart's secret weapon; whenever Bart removes the collar, Danny goes into a frenzy, kicking and bashing and smashing Bart's enemies until they're dead.  Eventually, Danny is befriended by a blind piano tuner (Freeman) and his stepdaughter (Condon), who take the confused young man into their home.

If you're making a movie with a concept as absurd as "two-bit loan shark trains Chinese lad from boyhood to attack and kill whenever his collar is removed", well, there are two ways you can go. You can make a schlocky action movie, or you can do a serious drama about what it would really be like if someone were to grow up raised like an animal to become a killing machine. What UNLEASHED does is try to do both, and it fails. The action scenes aren't very exciting (since none of Li's opponents are skilled enough to give him a run for his money, all we get are dull scenes of Jet kicking helpless thugs), and the drama is difficult to take seriously amid all the silliness (like how the hell did crude Bob Hoskins teach this kid to be the most badass martial artist in the world?).

It's a shame, since Li and Freeman are actually pretty good, not that Freeman is stretching here. I guarantee you that he read the screenplay, thought to himself, "Cheez, I've already played this guy 411 times," thought for a minute and a half, and then decided, "I've got it! I'll play the guy blind, just to keep me from falling asleep on the set every day."  Since UNLEASHED also includes the line "I'm getting too old for this shit" and a clichéd Spielbergian dolly-in-zoom-out shot, you know this is a bad movie.

UNMASKING THE IDOL (1986)—Directed by Worth Keeter.  Stars Ian Hunter, C.K. Bibby, Shakti Chen, Shangtai Tuan, Boon the Baboon.  Keeter, who got his start making cheap thrillers at Earl Owensby’s Shelby, North Carolina studio, returns to the Tar Heel State to direct this surprisingly fun 007 spoof.  Duncan Jax (Hunter) is a British ninja (!) who gambles, romances exotic women, is proficient with weapons and electronic gadgetry, and works as a spy for a man named Star (Bibby).  Better yet, Jax has a pet baboon named Boon that wears a ninja costume and also does kung fu on bad guys.  You haven’t lived until you’ve seen this monkey leaping into the air and knocking dudes on their butts with karate kicks.

The title is a yawner (probably intended to fool people into thinking they were seeing a sequel to ROMANCING THE STONE), but Keeter is pretty good here about providing action and production values on a dime.  Duncan’s mission is to invade Devil’s Crown Island, the most highly protected fortress in the world (it isn’t), and rescue a cache of gold belonging to the Scarlet Leader, a masked red ninja who rules from a throne room surrounded by a piranha-filled pool.

I had trouble following the plot at times, although I don’t think Keeter and screenwriter Phil Behrens were too concerned about it (Jax learns the Scarlet Leader’s henchman, Goldtooth, is the man who killed his parents, but we’re never given the where, when, why and how, and Jax doesn’t seem to care about that anyway).  A subplot involving a traitor within Duncan’s ranks is disposed with too quickly.  Acting, characterization and dialogue are perfunctory at best, but everything is played with wry humor and at a decent pace.  I liked UNMASKING THE IDOL, and others must have too, because Keeter and cast returned a year later for the sequel (!), THE ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE.  I never heard of either movie before IDOL popped up on the MGM HD cable channel, but Keeter’s Owensby films were rarely projected outside the South, and this may also have been the case with IDOL.  Keeter eventually moved to television, helming many episodes of the various POWER RANGERS series.

THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987)--Directed by Brian DePalma. Stars Kevin Costner, Sean Connery, Andy Garcia, Charles Martin Smith, Robert DeNiro. Visually stylish retelling of FBI agent Elliot Ness's (Costner) attempts to put Chicago mobster Al Capone (DeNiro) behind bars. Connery won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as Irish beat cop Jimmy Malone, whose street-smart methods contribute to Ness's fight. Costner is a bit stiff as Ness, which actually helps establish the FBI agent's straight-arrow exterior, and balances the scenery-chewing antics of DeNiro and Connery. The Union Station shootout is an action-film classic. Script by David Mamet. Also with Billy Drago (as Frank Nitti), Richard Bradford and Patricia Clarkson. Music by Pino Donaggio.

UNTRACEABLE (2008)—Directed by Gregory Hoblit.  Stars Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Joseph Cross, Colin Hanks.  Sentence to the graveyard of a January release, this ludicrous thriller wastes the delightful Miss Lane as an FBI agent up against one of those master criminals only seen in the movies, a serial killer who spends an inordinate amount of money, energy and time creating elaborate deathtraps for his victims.  This guy uses ghoulish Web surfers to engineer his murders by putting them online—the more hits the Web site receives, the faster the trap, such as filling a tank with sulfuric acid, is sprung.  In the most laughable sequence, the killer is able to hijack Lane’s SUV by hacking into its computer system, allowing him to stall the engine and lock her inside.  Hoblit is a good director of thrillers, but is let down by a dumb script and a low-wattage cast (though it’s likely bigger names were approached, but bailed after reading this tripe).  Whatever suspense is to be found is generated through Hoblit’s sure hand and Christopher Young’s overreaching score.  Also with Perla Haney-Jardine, Mary Beth Hurt and Peter Lewis.

UP FROM THE DEPTHS (1979)--Directed by Charles B. Griffith.  Stars Sam Bottoms, Susanne Reid, Virgil Frye.  Of all the killer-fish ripoffs to swim from the wake of JAWS, this Philippines-lensed horror might be the worst.  Directed by the writer of many of Roger Corman's best films as a director, like BUCKET OF BLOOD and LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, this thankfully brief oddity was released by Corman's New World Pictures with an ad campaign resembling that of PIRANHA.  Like Joe Dante's successful homage, UP FROM THE DEPTHS is supposed to be funny, as well as scary.  I think.  Some of Griffith's situations are so absurd that they must be intended as comedy, but since none of it is funny, it's hard to be certain.  The plot basically finds con artist Bottoms helping out when a large prehistoric man-eating fish begins devouring the employees and tourists of a Hawaiian resort.  I'm just providing that sentence for completists' sake; just promise me you won't subject yourself to this film.  Cirio H. Santiago produced it. 

UP THE ACADEMY (1980)--Directed by Robert Downey. Stars Ron Leibman, Ralph Macchio, Wendell Brown, J. Hutchison, Tommy Citera, Harry Teinowitz, Stacey Nelkin. MAD's first--and only--foray into moviemaking was this notorious slob comedy set in a Kansas military academy. Star Leibman hated it so much that he took his name off the credits! So did MAD for that matter, which paid Warner Brothers $30,000 to remove all references to the publication from the posters and trailers and to edit out the brief appearances of a (creepy-looking) Alfred E. Neuman in the film itself!

Four juvenile delinquents--Mafia son Chooch (Macchio), black Ike (Brown), Arab Hash (Citera) and Midwesterner Oliver (Hutchison)--are sent by their parents to the Weinberg Military Academy in Kansas, where they are abused by their sadistic instructor, Major Vaughn Leisman (Leibman). After Leisman takes photos of Oliver having sex with girlfriend Candy (Nelkin) and threatens to blackmail his politician father with them, the boys plot their counterattack, while avoiding the prying eyes of the majors fat spying nephew Rodney (Teinowitz).

It's hard to understand why Leibman was so embarrassed by the finished product. Although the frequent overdubbing, insert shots, plotholes and optical zooms do indicate post-production troubles, most of the embarrassing stuff must have been in the script, and Leibman, who was in NORMA RAE the year before, obviously knew what he was getting into when he performed one S&M scene clad only in pink ladies underwear. He's actually the film's most spirited performer, getting all the best lines and pratfalls. It's hard to believe the script was actually penned by credited writers Tom Patchett and Jay Tarses, whose wonderful television work--including THE BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL--is light-years ahead of this.

Still, I have a soft spot for the good ol' days of pre-political correctness, when it was still okay for comedies to poke fun at abortion, sex, dope, religion, My Lai, homosexuals, blacks, Arabs and flatulence, all targets of Downey's scattershot direction. Although all references to MAD were supposed to be removed from the video and television versions of UP THE ACADEMY, the print I saw did feature a "Mad Magazine Presents" credit and the appearances by mascot Neuman. Besides Macchio, none of the young male leads went on to movie stardom, and I imagine a behind-the-scenes documentary of UP THE ACADEMY would be more interesting that the film itself. The rock soundtrack, which seems to feature songs just tossed into the film at random intervals, includes hits by Iggy Pop & the Stooges, Blondie, Cheap Trick, The Kinks, Ian Hunter, Lou Reed, Jonathan Richman, The Babys, The Boomtown Rats, David Johansen, Sammy Hagar, Nick Lowe and Pat Benatar. Also with Barbara Bach as the cleavage-bearing armaments teacher, Ian Wolfe, Tom Poston as a flamboyant dance instructor, Antonio Fargas, Leonard Frey and Louis Zorich.

UP THE CREEK (1984)--Directed by Robert Butler. Stars Tim Matheson, Dan Monahan, Jennifer Runyon, Stephen Furst. Routine teen comedy about four misfit college students (led by Matheson) who compete in a white-water rafting race with a snobbish fraternity and a vicious military academy. Matheson has a few good moments, and Runyon is good to look at, but film doesn't really go anywhere. The rafting sequences are kind of exciting. With John Hillerman, Jeff East, Lori Sutton, Jeana Tomasino and Tom Nolan. Samuel Z. Arkoff was an executive producer. Was Butler's last theatrical feature until 1997's TURBULENCE.

UPTOWN SATURDAY NIGHT (1974)--Directed by Sidney Poitier. Stars Bill Cosby, Sidney Poitier, Harry Belafonte, Flip Wilson, Richard Pryor. Harlem buddies Cosby and Poitier lose a wallet containing a winning lottery ticket, and go through many comic contortions trying to get it back. Cosby and Poitier have a terrific chemistry, and singer Belafonte contributes some funny moments as a gangster. LET'S DO IT AGAIN was the sequel.

URBAN JUSTICE (2007)—Directed by Don E. FauntLeroy.  Stars Steven Seagal, Eddie Griffin, Danny Trejo.  By normal action movie standards, URBAN JUSTICE isn’t very good.  By recent Steven Seagal standards, well, it’s pretty decent, certainly miles ahead of his nadir of SUBMERGED.  At least it’s nice to see him working in L.A. again (or New Mexico, where some scenes were lensed) and out of Sofia.  As usual, he’s out for justice and out for a kill in the belly of the beast.  Seagal is Simon Ballister, a shadow man on deadly ground in South Central looking for the killer of his cop son.  The prime suspects belong to rival gangs run by El Chivo (Trejo in a cameo) and Armand Tucker (Griffin).  The script is horrible, laced with non-stop expletives and lazy exposition, as in one scene in which someone drops by Seagal’s apartment to “ask him a couple of questions,” but ends up filling in some plot backstory and never does ask any questions.  Griffin turns out to be a motormouthed bust, certainly no challenge for Seagal, though his physical deficiency may have played a part in the unexpected finish.  As for Big Steve, well, at least he showed up.  He performs most of his fight scenes and even did his own ADR, though his attempt at an inner-city dialect is laughable.  Still, his rapid output, even during his highly publicized legal problems, demonstrates that his career is hard to kill, even though it’s been marked for death many times over.

URBAN LEGEND (1998)--Directed by Jamie Blanks. Stars Alicia Witt, Jared Leto, Rebecca Gayheart, Joshua Jackson. Another SCREAM ripoff following in the ever-increasingly mediocre footsteps of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and HALLOWEEN H20. This is even worse. If a studio is filming a screenplay completely devoid of wit, style, interesting characters or originality, one would think the filmmakers would at least toss in some gore or nudity to keep the exploitation lovers entertained. It's hard to imagine who the audience was supposed to be for this.

A mysterious serial killer, who uses well-known urban legends as a guide, targets a bunch of boring moron college students who never attend class or seem to interact with anyone without feature billing. Of course it falls upon the shoulders of a virginal redhead (Witt) to solve the mystery while her buddies get picked off left and right. While this is a good idea for a slasher flick, Blanks (an Aussie directing his first film) fails to capitalize on any potential cleverness inherent in the concept, and gives us one unsuspenseful murder scene after another without really providing any twists or any clues to the killer's identity. When the murderer is revealed, it's just one more stupid scene in an already stupid movie. Plus there's not one but TWO idiotic the-killer-isn't-REALLY-dead scenes at the end. Also with Robert Englund, John Neville, Brad Dourif and Loretta Devine.

U.S. SEALS (1999)--Directed by Yossi Wein.  Stars Jim Fitzpatrick, J. Kenneth Campbell, Greg Collins, Ty Miller, Burnell Tucker.  Nu Image's military-oriented action movies of the late 20th and early 21st centuries are throwbacks to the 1980s, filled with tough, taciturn white males with big guns who blast their way into foreign countries, slaughtering hundreds of soldiers, mercenaries and terrorists in the name of freedom.  And, as popcorn movies, they invariably work.  U.S. SEALS is a nice companion to Nu Image's OPERATION DELTA FORCE series (five so far), each filled with (mostly) no-name actors, surprisingly rich production values (courtesy of the favorable exchange rate in Bulgaria, where these are filmed), and lots of gunfire, explosions and stunts.

A gung-ho squad of SEALS slips into an abandoned oilrig near Bulgaria, where modern-day pirates are hoarding their stolen cache of merchandise.  Many baddies are killed in the firefight (and just one of the seriously outnumbered SEALS; wouldn't you know it would be the team's only black member), but one is the brother of the pirate mastermind, Rusty Blaise (Campbell).  He retaliates by blowing up the wife of the SEAL leader, Mike Bradley (Fitzpatrick).  After telling his traumatized son that his mother is "with Grandma Bradley now", Mike assembles the squad and, with the apparent blessing of his boss, Admiral Patterson (Burrell), journeys to Albania to kill the guy who killed his wife in retaliation for his killing the guy's brother.  Got that?

I'm surprised U.S. SEALS wasn't produced as part of the OPERATION DELTA FORCE series, especially since its writer, David Sparling, penned several of those outings.  Perhaps Nu Image was attempting to create a new franchise, even though it's remarkably similar to the previous one.  Even stranger is the sequel, U.S. SEALS II: THE ULTIMATE FORCE, which bears no resemblance to this film whatsoever, featuring a different director and cast and focusing on camp and martial arts over rah-rah gunplay.

As a 90-minute timewaster that makes lots of noise, you could do a lot worse than U.S. SEALS.  The sharp cinematography, sound and editing are a lot better than many more-expensive films, and the Bulgarian stunt crew seems adept at staging mindless action scenes in which much stuff blows up for no reason.  Sparling's screenplay is brain-dead, no question about it, and if you're the type who gets distracted counting the number of bullets in each actor's clip or wondering how five guys with automatic pistols can wipe out an entire army of machine-gun-wielding commandos, U.S. SEALS may give you a heart attack.  But if you like a quick clip and solid performances in your direct-to-video fare, you might want to try this one out.  Fitzpatrick is a handsome, suitably macho lead (with a slight resemblance to STARSHIP TROOPERS 2 star Richard Burgi) who plays well against Campbell's hammy theatrics.  Also with Hayley DuMond, Jennifer McShane, Oscar James and James Hicks.  Producer Mark Roper went on to direct a few Nu Image titles, whereas director Wein started out as a cinematographer before becoming a regular helmer for the company.  Producer Danny Lerner, who has also directed some Nu Image actioners, penned the stories for this and all five OPERATION DELTA FORCE flicks.

U.S. SEALS II: THE ULTIMATE FORCE (2001)--Directed by Isaac Florentine.  Stars Michael Worth, Damian Chapa, Kate Connor, Karen Kim, Sophia Crawford, Marshall Teague.  Don't let the deceptive box art and direct-to-video stature fool you--U.S. SEALS II is as close to an authentic Hong Kong action movie as any American production has ever gotten (with the possible exception of DRIVE).  Although its title (the sequel has nothing to do with the original U.S. SEALS) and DVD box indicate a straight-forward macho military-style shoot-'em-up, Florentine (BRIDGE OF DRAGONS) and writer Michael D. Weiss (OCTOPUS) have concocted a preposterous thriller with enough energy and spectacular action sequences to line a year of Jerry Bruckheimer schlockfests.

Former Navy SEAL Frank Ratliffe (Chapa) kidnaps sexy nuclear physicist Dr. Jane Burrows (Connor) and stashes her on a private island, which used to be a Soviet military base until a chemical accident left the island saturated in methane gas.  Because of the gas, no guns can be fired there, due to the possibility of explosion.  Surrounded by his army of kung-fu experts, including foxy Brit Sophia (Crawford, Sarah Michelle Geller's former BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER stunt double), Ratliffe demands a billion-dollar ransom to prevent him from firing a pair of nuclear warheads smack dab into Washington, D.C.  To stop Ratliffe's mad plot, Army major Donner (Teague) recruit's the megalomaniac's former best pal, Casey Sheppard (Worth), who left the SEALs after Frank raped and murdered their sensei's sexpot daughter.  With less than 48 hours to Ratliffe's deadline, Casey recruits a ragtag team of martial-arts experts, including Donner, who's armed with a paintball gun that fires acid missiles, and Kimiko (Kim), Casey's ex-lover and the twin sister of the woman Frank murdered in Okinawa.

One thing is made clear from the very beginning:  none of this is to be taken even the least bit seriously.  In fact, much of the dialogue sounds like it was penned for a NAKED GUN movie, as it's spoken so earnestly by a mostly unknown cast of straight faces.  Florentine punctuates not just the action scenes, but also almost every little movement, with a "whoosh" sound effect, right down to a turn of the head or a roll of the eyes.  The gimmick of an island surrounded by methane, as ludicrous as it sounds, is perfect for this comic-book universe and nicely justifies some of the most exciting martial-arts battles ever filmed outside of Asia.  The fights were choreographed by Andy Cheng (who also portrays one of Chapa's goons), a veteran of Jackie Chan's stunt team, as super-balletic dances of death--swords, knives, chains, machetes and old-fashioned hands and feet all become deadly weapons under Cheng's tutelage.

Florentine appears influenced by Italian westerns as much as kung-fu flicks, and indeed U.S. SEALS II's themes of loyalty and male friendship lie in that same tradition.  But in a movie where the villain can fire a nuclear missile by pressing a button on a remote control (the air inside the silo was unaffected by the methane explosion, we're told) or a nuclear scientist can be a sexy 25-year-old Army officer in a bun and miniskirt, it's doubtful you'll be looking for any subtext.  And that's okay when the movie is as much cheeky fun as U.S. SEALS II.  It's a shame to see an action movie this clever and skillfully made languishing on video store shelves instead of in theaters, where it could be appreciated by mainstream critics and audiences.  The violence provides a high body count, but it's never meanspirited, and there's something to be said for its climax, which offs its main heavy with an over-the-top gore effect more likely to draw admiring laughs than uneasy grimaces.  This Nu Image production was partially filmed at a marvelous location in Bulgaria that appears to be an abandoned factory.  Also with George Kee Cheung, Burnell Tucker, Daniel Southworth and Franklin Vallette.  Music by Stephen Edwards.

USED CARS (1980)--Directed by Robert Zemeckis. Stars Kurt Russell, Jack Warden, Gerrit Graham, Frank McRae, Deborah Harmon. It's hard to believe Zemeckis, who later directed the crowd-pleasing yet airheaded FORREST GUMP and CONTACT, had this dark, subversive and truly hilarious comedy inside of him. Co-written and produced by Bob Gale, USED CARS (the Bobs' follow-up to 1941), was not a hit back in the summer of '80 (the fact that it was released by Columbia one week after AIRPLANE! was no help), but stands up two decades later as a solid smash.

Russell, known only at the time for his Disney features and playing Elvis Presley in a highly rated TV movie, raises a few eyebrows as Rudy Russo, a shady Arizona used car dealer with dreams of becoming a corrupt politician. He needs $60,000 to buy his way onto the ballot, so every penny he makes lying, cheating and screwing his customers goes right into his safe, which is hidden behind the celery in the refrigerator of his trailer home. Rudy's boss is Luke Fuchs (Warden), a kindly gent who would disapprove of Rudy's sales technique if he were alert enough to notice them. The lot isn't doing well, but Luke refuses to sell it to his venal twin brother Roy (also Warden), who owns the much more successful dealership across the street. When Luke dies of a heart attack (intentionally induced by one of Roy's employees), Rudy and his co-workers, salesman Jeff (Graham) and mechanic Jim (McRae), hide the body and cover up the death so Roy won't gain control of the lot. Another monkey wrench in Rudy's senatorial plans is Luke's estranged daughter Barbara (Harmon), who arrives to patch things up with Dear Ol' Dad.

While Zemeckis and Gale's script does a nice job imbuing its plot with enough interesting touches to keep it believable from beginning to end, USED CARS is mainly remembered for its choice dialogue and outrageous setpieces. A pair of illegal television commercials; a knockdown, dragout fight between Roy and Jeff; Jeff's using his pet dog Toby's skill in "playing dead" to win another sale; and the climactic race across the desert involving hundreds of junkers driven by teenagers are just a few of the memorable scenes that have made USED CARS the unsung classic it is. It's also one of the period's most quote-worthy comedies: "You think we like being associated with the President of the United States? We run an honest lot here." "Fifty bucks never killed anybody." "It's runnin' real hot, old man!" "Come on over, let's do a little disco!" "Hey, Rudy Washington, what's happenin', brother?"

The razor-sharp screenplay suffers a little bit from dated references to the Iran hostage scandal, Jimmy Carter, etc., but the joy of watching it work is realizing that, with the exception of Barbara, all the characters are lying, scheming crooks, but we're easily manipulated into rooting for the "good guys", even though their methods are just as extreme, if not more so, than those of Roy. Much of the goodwill is due to the actors. Russell, who had never made a R-rated film before this, is outstanding in a role that may have been a warmup for the antisocial antihero Snake Plissken character in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, which he made next. Graham and McRae deliver rollicking support, and you'll have fun spotting other familiar faces in the cast, including TV's Lenny & Squiggy, Michael McKean and David L. Lander, as electronics experts, Joe Flaherty of SCTV, Al Lewis of THE MUNSTERS, Michael Talbott of MIAMI VICE, Woodrow Parfrey, Wendie Jo Sperber, Marc McClure, Dub Taylor, PENTHOUSE Pet of the Year Cheryl Rixon, Dick Miller, Betty Thomas as a stripper, Claude Earl Jones, Terence Knox and Alfonso Arau. Patrick Williams' rousing score was put together in just three weeks after the original composer was fired; he and Norman Gimbel also composed a nice country & western tune for the end credits (sung by Bobby Bare). Steven Spielberg and John Milius were executive producers.

Columbia TriStar has released USED CARS in a very nice DVD, presented in its 1.85:1 anamorphic ratio for the first time on home video. Considering the film's age and budget, it looks pretty good visually, especially the desert scenes, which were meant by Zemeckis and Gale as an homage of sorts to John Ford. The stereo soundtrack is fine and doesn't distract with unnecessary surround sound effects. The extras include a series of funny radio commercials for USED CARS, as well as a radio interview done by Russell at the time of its release. There are trailers for three other Columbia comedies, but not one for USED CARS, oddly and disappointingly enough. A short outtake reel is interesting mostly because it contains some scenes cut and reshot in which Graham, Russell and Rixon interrupt a televised football game wearing phallic-shaped glasses. Standard bios and advertising skills are also included. The strangest extra is probably an actual local TV commercial Russell made for the Mesa, Arizona car dealership where USED CARS was shot.

The best extra, though, is a feature-length commentary track containing Zemeckis, Gale and Russell. You know it's going to be fun when Russell laughing hysterically is the first thing you hear. You'll have a good time watching USED CARS with these three, who are justly proud of the film they made and enjoy seeing it again. They're also surprisingly candid about its mistakes (the film's very first shot reveals a reflection of the boom mike), the rampant drug use on the set, and the foolish risks they took with peoples' lives. I've always wanted to know, for instance, how in the world Zemeckis got the shot of Gerrit Graham stumbling backwards into traffic and narrowly avoiding being splattered by a car roaring at him at high speed. Well, now I know it was no trick--Graham actually walked backwards into the path of a speeding car! Gale says it's a wonder nobody was killed on the set of USED CARS, and I think you'll agree. Like Russell's commentaries with John Carpenter, this one is one of the medium's best.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)--Directed by Bryan Singer. Stars Gabriel Byrne, Stephen Baldwin, Chazz Palminteri, Kevin Spacey. A remarkably clever thriller constructed by director Singer and screenwriter Christopher McQuarrie that makes William Faulkner's plot for THE BIG SLEEP read like a Winnie the Pooh story. The labyrinthine plot is told in a series of flashbacks by a crippled hood named Verbal Kint (Spacey), who appears to be the lone survivor of a $91 million drug deal gone bad that resulted in the death of 21 men. We watch the story unfold as Verbal, corrupt ex-cop Keaton (Byrne), smart-aleck explosives expert Hockney (Kevin Pollak), and partners McManan (Baldwin) and Fenster (Benicio Del Toro) meet in a holding cell while under investigation for a truck hijacking. They pull a couple of elaborate holdups (well-executed by Singer), and are then contacted by a sinister attorney named Kobayashi, who, despite vaguely Asian mannerisms, is played by British actor Pete Postlethwaite (IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER). Kobayashi works for a Blofeld-type arch-criminal named Keyser Sose (that's KY-zur SO-zay), a legendary international bad guy whom no one has ever seen. Sose, through Kobayashi, blackmails the gang into hijacking a boatload of cocaine coming into L.A. from Hungary, a plan that holds very little chance of survival.

To reveal anymore of the plot would be criminal, but it's fair to say that very little that happens in the film is as it seems. Spacey relates the story during an interrogation by a U.S. Customs agent played by Palminteri, and their scenes together, which take place in a tiny office, are riveting, thanks to McQuarrie's crackling dialogue and a pair of excellent performances. The script is the film's strongest asset, containing so many twists and turns that you'll require multiple viewings to figure them all out (and to search out Singer's many clues and red herrings). Crisp editing by John Ottman, who also provided the musical score. Also with Dan Hedaya, Giancarlo Esposito, Suzy Amis and Paul Bartel.

U-TURN (1997)--Directed by Oliver Stone. Stars Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, Jennifer Lopez, Billy Bob Thornton, Powers Boothe. Stone's attempt at making a low-budget film noir on a relatively short shooting schedule is one of his most entertaining films to date. Penn is Bobby, a small-time hood whose car breaks down in a dusty little Arizona desert community. While waiting for his convertible to be repaired by the town's only mechanic (Thornton, hilarious as a greasy inbred type), he is seduced by a voluptuous half-breed Indian (Lopez), who also happens to be married to the richest man in town (Nolte). After giving him a beating, Nolte hires Penn to kill his wife. Then Lopez tries to hire Penn to kill Nolte. There's also a mysterious sheriff played by Boothe, a teenage psycho, his white-trash girlfriend and a group of loan sharks Penn must deal with before leaving town.

Stone's script (based upon a novel by John Ridley) is riddled with twists and turns, and is highly entertaining. Unfortunately, Stone's pretensions get in the way, as he feels the need to fill the screen with unmotivated camera angles, changing film stock, erratic editing and shifts from color to black-and-white. The film stands on its own, and it's too bad Stone didn't feel secure enough in the material to go with a more straightforward approach. The cast hams it up well (Penn in particular seems to be having a good time), but the true revelation here is Jennifer Lopez, whom we first see in a skintight red dress (like a Mexican Jessica Rabbit) and who plays her tease role to the hilt. It's a tricky character to play, because she has to be so erotic and enticing that the audience has to believe Penn's character would do absolutely anything to be with her. Its to Lopez's credit that she pulls it off. Very good supporting cast including Joaquin Phoenix, Claire Danes, Julie Hagerty, Bo Hopkins and Jon Voight as a crazy blind Indian. The offbeat music is by Ennio Morricone, scoring his first American film in years.