THE PHANTOM EMPIRE (1986)--Directed by Fred Olen Ray.  Stars Ross Hagen, Sybil Danning, Jeffrey Combs, Dawn Wildsmith, Michelle Bauer, Robert Quarry.  This six-day wonder, filmed almost entirely in L.A.'s Bronson Caverns, isn't very good, but it's hard to imagine anyone not having fun with it.  A small group of adventurers--including devil-may-care salvage expert Cort (Hagen) and his butch assistant Eddy (Wildsmith), geologist Strock (Quarry) and dashing young archeologist Paris (Combs)--walk (!) via some caves to the center of the Earth, where they find a sexy mute cavegirl (Bauer), some hideous cannibalistic mutants, Robby the Robot (!) and an Amazon queen (Danning) from another planet who captures Paris for mating purposes.

Believe it or not, the movie makes even less sense than the plot description would indicate.  Inconsistent characterizations, flat dialogue, a lot of aimless wandering, and whiplash seesawing between low comedy and lowbrow adventure are to blame.  However, the game cast, many of whom have appeared in far worse movies, is pretty likable and definitely captures the right spirit, and I have to admit some admiration for the way in which director Ray managed to make a very small cave look much bigger than it is.  And by the time the cast emerges into a hidden underground world which looks a lot like the California desert--including a sun in the sky (!)--it's doubtful you'll still be nitpicking very much.  Wildsmith, Ray's then-wife, fails as the tough-talking, sarcastic comic relief, but it's interesting to see the jittery Combs (RE-ANIMATOR) play a romantic lead, and Quarry's resemblance to Albert Finney is uncanny.  Plus, Bauer appears topless, which is always a treat.

PHOBIA, under the guidance of five different writers (including Hammer veteran Jimmy Sangster and ALIEN scribe Ronald Shusett), is structured as a whodunit, but there are so few characters and motives that it shouldn't take you terribly long to guess the killer's identity.  Huston directs flatly, a good sign he was just a traffic cop-for-hire on this project.  He certainly shows no particular flair for suspense or psychological terror, and anyone curious about Huston's career will find nothing here to remind him or her of his work on THE MALTESE FALCON or THE LIST OF ADRIAN MESSENGER.  The cast must take some of the blame too.  Glaser's first feature film lead was also his last; he's never the least bit believable as a psychiatrist and is particularly awful in the allegedly suspenseful climax.  Colicos at least shows some energy in a perplexingly one-dimensional role, but Hogan is a drip as the female lead, and no one else in the cast manages a memorable impression either.

PICASSO TRIGGER (1989)--Directed by Andy Sidaris.  Stars Steve Bond, Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Roberta Vasquez, John Aprea, Rodrigo Obregon.  Another of Sidaris' fast-moving espionage adventures starring a bevy of PLAYBOY playmates.  This cartoonish sequel to HARD TICKET TO HAWAII finds a team of American spies led by Travis Abilene (Bond) battling a band of goons working for mobster Miguel Ortiz (Obregon), who wants revenge on the agents who killed his brother.  Separate subplots concern the assassination of a pacemaker-wearing hitman with the unusual moniker of Picasso Trigger (Aprea) and Travis' reunion with college flame Pantera (Vasquez), who spent two years undercover as Triggers moll.  Actually, despite the huge cast of characters and globe-trotting locations (including Paris, Las Vegas, Louisiana, Texas and Hawaii), the plot really doesn't hold much water; take away all the trappings, and it can be boiled down to "bad guys try to kill the good guys, while good guys blow up all the bad guys". 

More elaborate and labyrinthine than HARD TICKET--if not necessarily any smarter--PICASSO, like all of Sidaris' films, features slick though clearly low-budget action sequences, lame attempts at humor, lots of explosions and a wide assortment of gorgeous naked women.  Not only have Donna (Speir), Taryn (Carlton) and several other characters returned from HARD TICKET, but also PICASSO plays much like an expanded version of that film.  Since Sidaris used a radio control helicopter in HARD TICKET, an airplane and a buggy--both armed with a bomb--are used to explosive effect.  HARD TICKET had four PLAYBOY Playmates, so PICASSO has seven--all except (inexplicably and disappointingly) Vasquez appear nude.  Most of HARD TICKET-s main cast is back--some as different characters.  And the level of gadgetry has gone up a notch--a bomb-carrying boomerang, a crutch that doubles as a shotgun.  Keep in mind that these devices would be pretty useless in the real world, and Sidaris doesn't really use them to great effect, but they are, I suppose, more interesting than just pulling out a pistol and blasting somebody.  It ain't art, but it sure is a lot of fun.  Also with Bruce Penhall of CHIPS, Cynthia Brimhall, Patty Duffek, Kym Malin, Harold Diamond and Wolf Larson.

PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET (1953)--Directed by Samuel Fuller.  Stars Richard Widmark, Jean Peters, Richard Kiley, Thelma Ritter, Murvyn Vye, Willis Bouchey.  Pulp fiction doesn’t get much better than director Samuel Fuller’s second picture for 20th Century Fox.  A former journalist, pulp writer and World War II infantryman, Fuller excelled at translating his own brash, two-fisted personality to the movie screen as the writer and director of terse melodramas that were often barely noticed upon their original release.  His earliest films were westerns and war dramas for the independent producer Robert Lippert, better known for his science fiction releases like ROCKETSHIP X-M and SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE MEN.  FIXED BAYONETS, a searing Korean War drama starring Richard Basehart (MOBY DICK), was Fuller’s first film for a major studio, and his sixth picture, 1953’s PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET, gave him the opportunity to demonstrate what the cigar-chomping scrapper could do with a decent budget and Fox’s backlot and seasoned crew at his disposal.

Richard Widmark, typecast as smirking weasels since his starmaking turn as psycho killer Tommy Udo in 1947’s KISS OF DEATH, stars as Skip McCoy, a three-time loser who picks the purse of slinky Candy (Jean Peters) on a New York City subway.  Right from this opening scene, we know we’re in for something unusual, as Fuller shoots it as if it were a sex scene--the whooshing of the train, sweaty close-ups of his stars, Widmark’s fingers slithering seductively into the beautiful Peters’ “purse”.  We’re also drawn immediately into the suspense; we know the Feds are on Peters’ tail, but not why, and we know Widmark has swiped something important, but what?

Unbeknownst to both Candy and McCoy, her wallet also contains top-secret microfilm stolen from the U.S. and earmarked for the Communist agents employing her ex-lover Joey (Richard Kiley).  Once McCoy realizes what he’s got and what it’s worth, he plays both sides against the middle in an effort to get the price he wants for it.  Attempts by the cops and the F.B.I., represented by Captain Tiger (Murvyn Vye) and Agent Zara (Willis Bouchey), to appeal to his sense of patriotism and civic duty fall flat (Widmark’s incredulous tone when he asks the agents, “Are you waving the flag at me?” is dead-on perfect); McCoy is only out for number one.  Joey tries a different tactic, using the scrumptious former prostitute Candy to seduce the microfilm away from McCoy.  She actually falls for the guy, which puts her in harm’s way when Joey decides to drop the kid-gloves approach and use murder as a bargaining tactic.

What a tricky performance by Richard Widmark.  McCoy is a lowlife, a two-bit hood who pilfers from honest Joes and lives in a shack without electricity on the waterfront.  He has no qualms about selling his purloined prize to the Commies.  He’s terribly rough with Candy, who loves him, even to the point of smacking her.  Yet when he eventually repents and goes after Joey at great risk to his life, the audience is behind him all the way.

That we are is not solely due to Widmark’s acting, but also to that of his costars Kiley and Thelma Ritter (REAR WINDOW), who earned an Academy Award nomination for playing Moe Williams, a stoolie who harbors a motherly-like affection for McCoy, even while selling him out to the Feds.  If Moe, a sad but inherently good woman who carries the burden of an unlucky life on her shoulders, likes him so much, there must be a reason, and we’re induced to give her the benefit of the doubt and root for him too.

And then there’s Kiley, who went on to a distinguished stage and screen career that included many heavies, but few as menacing as Joey.  Fuller’s most audacious staging is a fight scene between Kiley and Jean Peters filmed in one agonizing take without stunt doubles, a brutal shot that reveals great courage in the artists involved and undoubtedly several bruises on Peters.  It’s bravura action filmmaking with not only a visceral impact, but also a point.  McCoy may be a bad guy, but Joey is a Bad Guy and needs to be stopped.

Fuller’s directing style is lean and mean, and he doesn’t waste a single one of his 80 minutes, packing more plot and terse dialogue into them than many contemporary filmmakers can in two hours.  A fiercely independent man, Fuller went on to direct many more unorthodox pictures like SHOCK CORRIDOR and VERBOTEN, usually without big-studio backing, but with an over-the-top style uniquely his.  He was a genre filmmaker with an arthouse sensibility, and rarely have the two sides enjoyed a smoother meeting than in PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET.

PIECES (1981)--Directed by Juan Piquer Simon.  Stars Christopher George, Lynda Day George, Edmund Purdom.  If your stomach is strong enough to handle the gore, this knuckleheaded Spanish/Italian slasher film provides a ton of unintentional laughs.  Thirty years after he hacked up the mother who berated him for putting together a pornographic jigsaw puzzle, a mad killer is slicing up coeds on a Boston campus with a chainsaw and taking some of the body parts home with him.  Christopher George (ENTER THE NINJA) is the wisecracking, ineffectual cop assigned to the case.  Part of his brilliant strategy is to bring in tennis pro Lynda Day George to act as a decoy to trap the killer, even though when the situation actually presents itself, she panics, drops her gun and acts like a complete numbskull.  It shouldn't take you very long to guess the killer's identity, and the stupid script, poor acting, low budget and stilted dialogue will keep you in stitches.  Illogic runs rampant, so don't expect PIECES to adhere to any sense of, er, sense.  My favorite part might be the Chinese guy who attacks a woman for no reason whatsoever, but is revealed to just be kidding around.  Or something.  I still don't get it.  Also with Paul Smith, Jack Taylor and Frank Brana.  Music by Cam.  From the director of SUPERSONIC MAN.