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LEVIATHAN (1989)--Directed by George P. Cosmatos.
Stars Peter Weller, Richard Crenna, Daniel Stern, Amanda Pays. Considering the talented B-level cast, the pedigree of
screenwriters Jeb Stuart (THE FUGITIVE) and David Peoples (UNFORGIVEN) and the special makeup effects talent of Stan Winston
(THE TERMINATOR), this underwater ALIEN clone should be a lot better than it is. Eight deep-sea miners working 16,000
feet underwater for the Tri-Oceanic Corporation are stalked, murdered and absorbed by some sort of monster mutation.
The cast, composer Jerry Goldsmith and director Cosmatos (RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II) do their best--Weller particularly attempts
to bring a flip insouciance to his role as the laidback leader of the group--but LEVIATHAN contains nothing that is new or
unusual, and Winston's monster effects are not his most inspired. Filmed at Rome's Cinecitta Studios, LEVIATHAN looks
as though its underwater scenes were mostly shot "dry" with lighting effects utilized to simulate the ocean depths.
Also with Ernie Hudson, Lisa Eilbacher, Hector Elizondo, Meg Foster and Michael Carmine.
LIAR, LIAR (1997)--Directed by Tom Shadyac. Stars
Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney, Amanda Donohoe. How much you like this film will depend completely on how much Jim Carrey you can
stand. I can't stand much. Silly plot involves Carrey as a sleazy lawyer who constantly neglects his young son. At a birthday
party which Carrey has blown off to work on a case, his son makes a wish that Dad can no longer tell a lie. Amazingly, it
comes true, and the rest of the film details Carrey's misadventures when he can no longer edit himself when he speaks. Carrey
mugs, falls down and acts silly a lot. Comedy was a huge box-office smash, proving just about anything Carrey touches turns
to gold.
LIBERTY STANDS STILL (2002)--Directed by Kari Skogland.
Stars Wesley Snipes, Linda Fiorentino, Oliver Platt, Hart Bochner. This pretentious thriller bears a startling resemblance
to PHONE BOOTH, which was released in the spring of 2003, but was made in late 2000. While the two films could have
been in production at the same time, Larry Cohen's PHONE BOOTH story floated around Hollywood for a long time, and it seems
like a wild coincidence that this independent production could have cropped up at the same time.
Fiorentino is Liberty Wallace, a gun manufacturer on her way to
meet her actor lover in his dressing room before a performance. While buying coke from the hot dog vendor in the park
across the street from the theater, she receives a call on her cell phone from a mysterious man calling himself Joe (Snipes),
who orders her to chain herself to the hot dog cart, which he claims contains a bomb that will explode when her battery dies
in less than 90 minutes. To prove he means business, he takes random shots around her with a silenced high-powered rifle.
As befuddled policemen and media try to figure out what's going on, even believing that Liberty is a killer, Joe demands that
she and her husband Victor (Platt) face the music for making and selling the pistol that killed his daughter in a school shooting.
Skogland's screenplay interjects a bit of conspiracy to the plot,
as it turns out Joe isn't the only one threatening Liberty's life, and the Second Amendment comes in for a bit of a beating.
Gun control is a hot topic and one worth debating, but in a better film, I'm afraid. I never understood the point of
the subplot concerning the actor lover, and Liberty's character seems madly inconsistent, only occasionally acting in a believable
manner, although Fiorentino and Snipes are very good. Vancouver fills in unconvincingly for Los Angeles. Good
camerawork and a catchy, omnipresent score by Michael Convertino prevent claustrophobia from settling in this low-budget production.
LICENCE
TO KILL (1989)--Directed by John Glen. Stars Timothy Dalton, Carey Lowell, Robert Davi, Talisa Soto, David
Hedison. Until 2006’s “reimagining” of the 007 franchise in CASINO ROYALE, LICENCE TO KILL (note the
British spelling) was widely considered the most brutal and violent film of the series. The first PG-13 Bond movie offers
a change-of-pace plot by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson that finds 007 (Dalton in his second and final Bond performance)
resigning under protest from the British Secret Service and plotting revenge against Franz Sanchez (Davi), the South American
druglord who fed Bond’s CIA pal Felix Leiter (Hedison) to the sharks.
Some have referred to LICENCE TO KILL as a "Joel Silver Bond movie,"
and that's a good description, right down to the trendy choice of villain (Central American drug dealer), supporting cast
of familiar American character actors (Don Stroud, Anthony Zerbe, Frank McRae, Benicio Del Toro) and Michael Kamen as composer.
It mostly eschews the elaborate gadgetry for which the Bond movies are well known, and although it’s a first-rate action
movie, it doesn’t feel much like a James Bond adventure, despite Dalton’s tough, underrated performance.
Glen handles the special effects and stunts (particularly a wild semi-truck chase on a desert road) with aplomb, and the elaborate
story is crisply paced. The Bond Girls are a weakness; Soto (VAMPIRELLA) has never been much of an actress, and Lowell
(LAW & ORDER) I can take or leave, although both women are beautiful and contrast each other well. Also with Wayne
Newton (!), Everett McGill, Desmond Llewellyn as Q and Priscilla Barnes. Theme performed by Gladys Knight.
THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU (2004)--Directed
by Wes Anderson. Stars Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Jeff Goldblum, Anjelica Huston. Murray reunites
with his RUSHMORE director for this marvelously quirky fantasy. I found it difficult to dislike, despite its occasional
bouts of cuteness, but it's so strange that I'm not sure I can recommend it to anyone. Murray is Steve Zissou, an undersea
explorer broadly based on the late Jacques Cousteau, complete with a red hat and a boat called "Belafonte". Zissou's
most recent documentary films have not been well-received, and he's having trouble getting funding for the next. Not
that anything could stop this eternal optimist (and egotist), not even the possibility that the laconic young Kentuckian who
just joined his crew, Ned (Wilson), could be his son. Other characters in Anderson's weird world include Jane (Blanchett),
a journalist doing an expose on Zissou; Eleanor (Huston), Zissou's estranged wife; and Alistair (Goldblum), Zissou's slick
nemesis.
Murray's performance is essential, since Anderson's vision falls
so squarely into a fantasy world that's still too close to ours for comfort's sake, we need Murray to keep our head in the
game. He's in nearly every scene, and is funny, touching, energetic...I think he's better here than in his Oscar-nominated
turn in LOST IN TRANSLATION. Mark Mothersbaugh's score is wonderfully witty, and the production design, which cribs
from Jerry Lewis, of all people, is a childlike display of bright colors and dollhouse construction. Throw in Filipino pirates,
a three-legged dog, a resort hotel destroyed by a monsoon, an underground sea laboratory, Goldblum in a '70s Dr. Pepper T-shirt,
stop motion animation by Henry Selick (THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS) and a mythical "jaguar shark" that chomps on Seymour
Cassel, and you have 2004's oddest studio film. Also with Bud Cort, Michael Gambon, Robyn Cohen and Noah Taylor.
Seu Jorge plays Greek Chorus with a bunch of David Bowie tunes sung in Portuguese.
LIFE, LIBERTY AND PURSUIT
ON THE PLANET OF THE APES (1974)--Directed by Arnold Laven & Alf Kjellin. Stars Ron Harper, James Naughton, Mark
Lenard, Roddy McDowall, Booth Colman. One of five feature-length TV-movies spliced together from episodes of the short-lived
PLANET OF THE APES TV series. Astronauts Virdon (Harper) and Burke (Naughton) are stranded on a world populated by intelligent
apes after their spaceship crashes. Of course, they're actually on the Earth of the future, and are befriended by friendly
ape Galen (McDowall basically reprising his movie role) while fleeing the authorities. After ape soldiers shoot Virdon, Galen
summons an old doctor girlfriend to save his life; later, Galen calls upon his parents for help when an ape brainwasher captures
Burke. Also with Jacqueline Scott, Michael Strong, Beverly Garland, Anne Seymour, Norman Burton, Harry Towne and Jamie Smith
Jackson. Theme by Lalo Schifrin. Teleplay by Barry Oringer and Richard Collins.
LIFEPOD (1981)—Directed by Bruce Bryant.
Stars Joe Penny, Kristine DeBell, Christopher Cary, Sandy Kenyon. This obtuse drama is one of the cheapest SF films
I’ve seen in awhile. Or mostly seen; I fell asleep and missed about 40 minutes. Strangely, when I woke up,
the plot didn’t seem to have advanced at all. Clearly influenced by 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, this homemade sci-fi
movie finds a cruise spaceship on its maiden trip to Jupiter that is taken over by its central computer. A handful of
crew and passengers escape aboard a “lifepod” and drift in space. They talk. And talk. And talk
some more. The only time anonymous character actor Kenyon ever was credited as a “Special Guest Star,” LIFEPOD
offers some well-done backyard visual effects, but the sets (both of them) are blank and claustrophobic. Penny, soon
to go on to RIPTIDE and JAKE AND THE FATMAN, was just starting out, but DeBell had just done THE BIG BRAWL with Jackie Chan.
Also with Carl Lumbly (CAGNEY & LACEY) and Jordan Michaels.
LIGHT BLAST (1985)--Directed by Enzo G. Castellari.
Stars Erik Estrada, Ennio Girolami. Wow! What an amazingly ridiculous, hilarious and action-packed picture.
You could usually count on Castellari to deliver cheap, well-crafted nonsense that goes out on a storytelling limb and dares
you to take it seriously. Filmed in San Francisco, LIGHT BLAST casts CHIPS star Estrada as a tough cop who is introduced
stripped to his briefs to defuse a hostage situation. Erik gets the case when rejected scientist Girolami (THE NEW BARBARIANS)
creates a death ray and uses it to melt the skin from his victims (like in the climax of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK). There
is a ton of action, including wild slo-mo shootouts, explosions, car chases, squibs, you name it. Near the end, Estrada
steals Albert Arciero’s racecar and jumps practically every hill in Frisco in pursuit of Girolami’s machine.
As usual, Castellari mixes live stuntwork with unconvincing miniatures to add to the film’s bizarre tone. Estrada
is actually fairly charismatic and seems to fit well within the director’s world.
LIGHT THE FUSE…SARTANA IS COMING (1971)—Directed
by Giuliano Carmineo. Stars Gianni Garko, Massimo Serato, Piero Lulli, Jose Jaspe, Nieves Navarro, Frank Braña.
In the wake of Clint Eastwood and Sergio Leone’s enormous success with their trilogy of Italian westerns—A FISTFUL
OF DOLLARS, FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE and THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY—actor Gianni Garko, a good-looking blond leading
man with a steely resemblance to Eastwood, was hired to portray the mysterious gunfighter Sartana in 1968’s IF YOU MEET
SARTANA, PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH.
It was a hit, thanks partially to its gimmicky approach influenced
by the James Bond movies (and possibly the U.S. TV series THE WILD WILD WEST). Sartana, of whom little about his background
was ever revealed, reveled in the use of wild props, such as a four-barreled derringer and a hidden compartment in his boot
heel that carried emergency gadgets. By 1971, the Sartana series was at full steam when Garko returned for his fifth
movie (George Hilton had temporarily played the role in SARTANA IS HERE…TRADE YOUR PISTOL FOR A COFFIN).
LIGHT YOUR FUSE… is a typically complicated Sartana story
with some of the craziest gadgets of the entire series, most notably a deadly pipe organ that comes through for the hero during
the climax and a tiny mechanical robot named Alfie that serves as a cigarette lighter, grenade launcher and more. Every
western hero should have one.
Sartana, after shooting down a trio of corrupt lawmen, turns himself
in to the corrupt warden of a nearby prison, where he is beaten and dumped into “the hole.” There he encounters
his old pal Granville (Lulli), who promises him half of a $500,000 gold fortune if he helps Granville escape. They blast
their way out, and Sartana heads to the town of Mansfield, where Granville is accused of murdering his business partner and
hiding not only the gold, but also $2 million in counterfeit cash.
There’s no shortage of suspects in Mansfield, including the
(what else?) corrupt sheriff (Serato), the vicious General Monk (Jaspe), the dead man’s beautiful widow (Navarro) and
a one-eyed scoundrel (ubiquitous white-haired Spanish character actor Braña). When Santana isn’t guarding his
back from these treacherous opponents, he’s shooting down dozens of minions who work for them, racking up a solid body
count in the upper double digits. Aided by Bruno Nicolai’s score and some unusual settings (such as a Turkish
bath in this one-horse Old West town!), LIGHT THE FUSE… is a highly entertaining spaghetti western with enough action
and oddball stunts to keep you smiling. While Garko never returned to play Sartana again, he did continue to appear
in several European genre pictures and even guest-starred on the British TV series SPACE: 1999.
LIGHTNING BOLT (1966)--Directed by Antonio Margheriti.
Stars Anthony Eisley, Folco Lulli, Diana Lorys, Wandisa Guida. U.S. TV star Eisley (HAWAIIAN EYE) went to Rome to headline
this spaghetti spy movie set in Florida. Obviously inspired by the Bond films, particularly GOLDFINGER and DR. NO, it’s
cheap and clumsy, but not unentertaining once the action picks up in the second half. American agent Harry Sennett (Eisley)
goes to Cape Kennedy to discover who is sabotaging NASA’s moon rockets. The answer is Rehte (Lulli), a mad beermeister
who plans to rule the world from his underwater city by putting a laser on the moon and pointing it at major Earth cities.
There’s something mildly delightful about Sennett’s non-confrontational approach to escaping his captors--he just
pulls out a checkbook and offers to buy them off with taxpayers’ money! If you’ve seen a Bond film, you
know where this movie is going--the escapes, fights, gorgeous women, slight sci-fi trappings and an exploding hideout.
Margheriti needed more time and more money to make this anything like a Bond film, but it kinda works.
LI’L ABNER (1966)—Directed by Coby Ruskin.
Stars Sammy Jackson, Judy Canova, Jerry Lester, Jeannine Riley, Robert Reed. Al Capp, who created the LI’L ABNER
comic strip n 1934, wrote the teleplay for this NBC pilot produced by United Artists. The 30-minute sitcom, shot with
a single camera on a soundstage at Paramount Studios, was not picked up, but reportedly received a one-time airing in 1967.
LI’L ABNER had been popular as a musical on Broadway and in movie theaters (with different casts), but was never successful
on television.
Jackson, who had recently starred in a sitcom based on NO TIME FOR
SERGEANTS, plays the matrimony-shy Abner, still (stupidly) dodging the kisses and hugs of super-stacked Daisy Mae (Riley).
While she and Mammy Yokum (Canova) conspire to trick Abner into marriage, competition arrives in Dogpatch in the form of a
rich city slicker, played by future BRADY BUNCH dad Reed. Capp’s oddball script finds Pappy Yokum (Lester) attempting
to outsmart Mammy’s wedding plans by locking Abner inside a time capsule that won’t open until 2966!
Performances are appropriately broad under Ruskin’s sure direction.
Old pro Lester and Canova’s mugging earns whatever laughs can be squeezed out of this hoary premise, and the show grows
slack when the younger performers take center stage. Besides Riley’s low-cut costume, LI’L ABNER’s
most interesting aspect is “Special Guest” Reed, who probably enjoyed the change of pace from the heavy dramatics
of THE DEFENDERS, the social drama on which he co-starred with E.G. Marshall from 1961 to 1965. Also with Larry D. Mann
as Marryin’ Sam and the voice of Paul Frees. Howard Leeds, later to work with Reed on THE BRADY BUNCH, was the
producer.
THE LIMEY (1999)--Directed by Steven Soderburgh.
Stars Terence Stamp, Peter Fonda, Barry Newman, Lesley Ann Warren, Luis Guzman. If Oscars were awarded for casting, Soderburgh
and his casting director Debra Zane would definitely be up for consideration. For their leads in a taut little revenge thriller
in which time jumps back and forth according to the directors whim, they have selected Terence Stamp and Peter Fonda, two
of the '60s most influential and charismatic icons. Both turn in strong performances in THE LIMEY in roles that reverberate
their most memorable performances: Fonda's brooding Captain America of EASY RIDER could easily have become high-living, drug-dealing
record exec Terry Valentine, while Soderburgh uses actual clips of Stamp in 1967's POOR COW (with Julie Christie in which
Stamp played a thief named Wilson) to illustrate that character's flashbacks.
The plot, devised by Lem Dobbs (who
worked with Soderburgh on KAFKA), could have been ripped from almost any old detective novel: Wilson (Stamp), a thief just
released from an English prison, travels to Los Angeles to investigate the death of his daughter Jenny, who perished in a
fiery car crash which may or may not have been staged to conceal a murder. Wilson's chief suspect is Jenny's boyfriend, fast-talking
hipster Valentine (Fonda), who's now living with his new girlfriend, a beautiful young woman named Adhara ("You can never
go wrong naming yourself after a constellation," Valentine says) who is the same age as Jenny. Wilson's quest is very simple:
kill Valentine. He receives help from two of Jenny's friends: likable Latin Eddie (Guzman) and lonely acting coach Elaine
(Warren), with whom Wilson has a relationship, but--refreshingly--not a sexual one. Another sweet piece of casting is Newman
as Valentine's security chief Avery; Newman played Kowalski, the existential auto racer of the 1971 counterculture classic
VANISHING POINT, and his presence solidifies the iconic zeitgeist so central to Soderburgh's vision. The cast of old pros,
which also includes Andy Warhol regular Joe Dallesandro, does a wonderful job, expressing the right amounts of weariness and
ambition. Stamp plays Wilson as a single-minded man so tightly wound, it appears he may burst (which, in fact, he does on
a few occasions). It's one of his best performances, blending dollops of ironic humor with sorrow in missing out on his daughters
childhood and an unfamiliarity with modern society (he mistakes valets at a swanky party for security guards).
THE
LIMEY's main weakness, surprisingly, is Soderburgh's overly flowery direction. In OUT OF SIGHT (which I thought was one of
that year's best pictures), Soderburgh presented one of the best love scenes I've ever seen, in which the verbal foreplay
between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez was relayed in voiceover as we saw the characters prepare for bed. Unfortunately,
Soderburgh recycles the gimmick here. In fact, he uses so many flash-forwards and time distortions that what was an effective
storytelling device in the previous film becomes just another annoying look-at-me way of drawing attention to the filmmaker,
rather than to the story itself. Soderburgh should have had more confidence in his material, because it's a tasty piece of
crime fiction that Brett Halliday or Raymond Chandler would have been proud of. However, Soderburgh does draw some terrific
performances from his cast, the pacing is brisk, and his handling of the action scenes is quite clever, especially in the
scene (which draws a laugh from the audience) in which Wilson dispatches one of Valentine's bodyguards during a posh mountainside
party.
Also with Amelia Heinle (an actress who so strongly resembles Denise Richards that they could be sisters) as
Adhara, Nicky Katt (who has some of the movie's funniest lines) as a greasy hitman, William Lucking, Matthew Kimbrough and
Melissa George (an Australian actress well-known for her stint on a soap opera there) as Jenny. Cliff Martinez's score is
fine, and it's bolstered by clever use of The Who's rocker "The Seeker", written by Pete Townshend.
LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT (1975)--Directed by
Claudio Guzman. Stars Linda Lovelace. I wonder how many MONKEES fans have seen this softcore comedy. It
plays much like a typical MONKEES romp, and Micky Dolenz co-stars as a bus driver named Fenwick. The DEEP THROAT star,
now married to producer/choreographer (and former MONKEES director) David Winters, attempted to jumpstart a mainstream acting
career with this chaotic, politically incorrect sex comedy that co-stars a lot of hack comedy character actors. A bunch
of out-there radicals--including a Chinese launderer (Joey Forman), a jive black dude, a priest (Val Bisoglio), a homosexual
(Danny Goldman) and a Nazi (Garry Goodrow)--try to run Linda for President and organize a cross-country roadtrip to round
up funds and votes. The result is a plotless exercise in hard-R sex scenes, stupid jokes, racial and ethnic humor that
would never fly in today’s world, a talking monkey, full-frontal nudity by JFK impersonator Vaughn Meader, Chuck McCann
in two roles as a bigoted mayor and an outrageously stereotyped Italian assassin, and roles for Louis Quinn (77 SUNSET STRIP),
Joe E. Ross (CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?), Marty Ingels, Jack DeLeon, Scatman Crothers, Morgan Upton as the pedophile Vice President
and Robbie Lee from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS. Guzman directed a lot of sitcoms and this feature for Arthur Marks’ General
Film Corporation. PRESIDENT did nothing for Lovelace’s acting career, and she soon after became a vocal anti-porn
crusader. She died after a 2002 car crash.
THE LINEUP (1958)--Directed by Don Siegel.
Stars Eli Wallach, Robert Keith, Warner Anderson, Emile Meyer. A taxicab pulls up to a dock filled with passengers disembarking
from a cruise ship. A porter grabs a suitcase, tosses it into the cab's open window, and beats feet. The cab screams
away from the curb and smashes into a tractor-trailer. As the confused truck driver and dozens of witnesses look on,
the cab backs away and tears off again down the street, where a lone police officer stands in wait. The cab clips the
cop, who manages to fire off a single shot before dying. The bullet crashes through the taxi's rear window and buries
itself in the driver's back, causing the car to once again smash up. Yep, it's another taut action thriller directed
by Don Siegel, who made this type of film about as well as anyone else.
Based on a then-current television series of the same name, THE
LINEUP certainly shows its DRAGNET influence, but unlike that Jack Webb show, Siegel's film is more interested in its villains
than its straight-arrow cop protagonists. San Francisco detective lieutenant Ben Guthrie (Anderson, reprising his series
role) and partner Al Quine (Meyer, usually cast as heavies) investigate the strange suitcase hijacking and discover a cache
of heroin hidden inside a statue the case's owner bought overseas. At first suspecting the man of being a smuggler,
Guthrie soon realizes the plot is even thicker--a drug-running organization in which the smugglers sneak the dope into souvenirs
belonging to innocent civilians, and then retrieve the heroin once the unsuspecting dupes land on U.S. soil. Assigned
by the crime organization to pick up the drugs are a pair of unusual assassins: erudite Julian (Keith), who's compiling
a list of "final last words" spoken by their victims, and his protégé Dancer (Wallach), a psychopath who handles all the rough
stuff.
Filmed on location in San Francisco and taking place in a single
day, THE LINEUP excels in presenting its tight plot from two separate angles, showing Guthrie and his men piecing together
the events one jigsaw slice at a time, while increasing suspense by developing its bad guys as being more colorful and sophisticated
than their foes. Siegel also doesn't stint on the action, wrapping things up with a shocking attack on an invalid in
a wheelchair and a screaming car chase along an incomplete freeway. Wallach and Keith are an interesting Heckle-and-Jeckle
team, while Anderson is solid and authoritative as the lead. For some reason, his TV costar Tom Tully didn't make it
to the big screen, although supporting player Marshall Reed as Inspector Fred Asher makes a brief appearance. Richard
Jaeckel makes an impression as dipsomaniacal driver Sandy. Also with Mary LaRoche, Raymond Bailey, Vaughn Taylor and
William Leslie. Music by Mischa Bakaleinikoff. The television series ran six seasons, all with Anderson, who later
starred in the first season of PEYTON PLACE, as Guthrie.
LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990)—Directed
by Kenneth J. Hall. Stars Linnea Quigley. One solid hour of the cheapest thrills imaginable. B-movie scream queen Quigley,
owner of one of trash cinema’s most sinful bods, writhes, thrusts, and humps her way through exercise moves that doubtlessly
do more for the male libido than her physical well-being. Writer/director Hall (EVIL SPAWN) prepares us for a sweaty workout
with a nice slow-motion shower and a camera that glides all over Linnea’s soapy skin. What? You don’t shower before
a workout? Then, dressed in fishnets and a metal bra, Linnea lies in front of a cozy fire, skimming a magazine article about
STREET TRASH star Vic Noto (!) and showing clips of her ‘80s classics like CREEPOZOIDS, VICE ACADEMY, and SORORITY BABES
AT THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA. A jog past a cemetery lures a bunch of zombies out of their graves and over to Linnea’s
pool for some aerobics. At a slumber party, Linnea and her hot friends wear nighties, eat popcorn, pillow-fight, and watch
some of NIGHTMARE SISTERS. Their workout is interrupted by a slasher killer wearing a Ronald Reagan mask (did David Arquette
see this?) who bumps off the ladies. Less than half this tape is really bad exercising and even worse porn-style synth music.
So obviously what I’m saying is you can’t live without seeing it. Also with Jane Holzer, Amy Hunt, Victoria Nesbitt,
and Kristine Seeley.
LION STRIKE--See RING OF FIRE 3: LION STRIKE.
LIONHEART (1990)--Directed by Sheldon Lettich.
Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Harrison Page, Deborah Rennard. Van-Damme splits from the French Foreign Legion, and ends up
as a professional, underground bare-knuckles fighter. Geez. Also with future martial-arts stars Jeff Speakman and Billy Blanks.
Rennard's father is 007 Roger Moore! Van Damme co-wrote this routine action pic with the director.
LIPSTICK (1976)--Directed by Lamont Johnson.
Stars Margaux Hemingway, Mariel Hemingway, Chris Sarandon, Anne Bancroft. I've seen more than my fair share of garbage
movies. Most of them are independently made on a low budget by actors and filmmakers on the lower fringe of Hollywood
society--exploitation movies made originally for drive-ins, grindhouses or lower ends of double-bills. But some of the
wildest and weirdest come directly from major Hollywood studios; these are usually the most wrongheaded too, covered in a
level of camp that films from outside the system usually can't touch. This is because the studios like to have their
cake and eat it too. While independents like AIP or New World or Nu Image are content to splash trash on the screen,
the majors like to think they're above that sort of thing, even though they worship the big dough exploitation pictures can
earn. So they frequently attempt to have it both ways--make a trashy exploitation picture, but dress it up with big
stars, expensive production values, and a relevant social message or subtext that they think will make their film more important.
This almost never works; when a filmmaker thinks he's above the audience he wants to reach, the ballgame's over before it's
begun.
LIPSTICK is a classic example of this type of outlandish camp from
Paramount, the studio that also delivered the even more ridiculous MANDINGO and DRUM around the same time. Director
Lamont Johnson, an Emmy winner for perceptive made-for-TV movies such as THE EXECUTION OF PRIVATE SLOVIK, and David Rayfiel,
a good writer whose work includes THE THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR, are juggling material clearly not in their wheelhouse, earnestly
attempting to present a sensitive tale of rape and its lingering effects on its victims, but presenting it in such a preposterous
and frequently tasteless manner that it inspires giggles rather than shock.
High-priced supermodel Chris McCormick (Margaux Hemingway in her
film debut) is raped in her luxury apartment by the seemingly meek Gordon Stuart (Sarandon, just off his DOG DAY AFTERNOON
Oscar nod), her 13-year-old sister Kathy's (Mariel Hemingway, also making her first film) music teacher. She presses
charges and is represented in court by Assistant District Attorney Carla Biondi (Bancroft), but to no avail. Stuart's
defense lawyer claims the sex was consensual, and that the bruises, the blood, the destruction of her property, the bindings,
that Chris asked for all of it to happen. Chris' sexual fantasies, her current relationships, even her profession are
autopsied in open court, as the defense implies that a cry of rape from a woman who has experienced and enjoyed oral sex shouldn't
be believed. Unconvincingly, the jury buys Stuart's sexist, outdated defense and moves to acquit.
Stuart continues to teach music to young Catholic schoolgirls, but
Chris' career suffers, and she and Kathy plan a trip to Colorado. But Chris has one more job left to fulfill, modeling
fashion in a studio located in an unfinished mall. Kathy becomes bored during the shoot, and wanders upstairs to explore
the mostly empty office structure, only to discover, through an implausible coincidence, Stuart practicing a recital with
his students. After the girls leave, he spots Kathy and initiates a grossly inappropriate conversation with her.
She becomes frightened and flees, but Stuart chases her through the building, eventually trapping her in a circular corridor
and raping her as he did her older sister.
If you think LIPSTICK has already reached the peak of its tastelessness,
you ain't seen nuthin' yet. Finding a beaten Kathy in her tattered clothes, Chris explodes internally, rushing into
the parking lot--still wearing the expensive evening gown she was modeling--and grabbing a loaded (!) hunting rifle from her
car, a weapon up to now has never been seen or referenced. She dashes across the lot on foot to head off Stuart's getaway,
plants her feet, and pops a couple of caps through his windshield, sending his car careening into a curb and flipping over.
As he climbs from the wreckage a bloody mess, Chris fires several more shots, one of them piercing his scrotum. Then,
in what must be the most rushed, ill-conceived wrap-up in Paramount's history, we're told through voiceover narration that
Chris has been found not guilty of murder, despite the overwhelming evidence against her.
As absurd as the script is, it likely could have still been fun
if not for Johnson's heavy-handed approach. Props go to Margaux and Sarandon for performing the movie's graphic rape
scene without body doubles, as the violence of the scene likely left a few bruises on the actors, physical and emotional.
Although I'm sure Johnson wished the audience to feel the pain and the humiliation of Chris' rape by portraying it in such
a realistic manner, his exploitation of Hemingway, by having her nude, provides mixed signals--are we to be horrified or titillated?
Instead of feeling disgust by Stuart's crime, we feel uncomfortable at Johnson's treatment of his star.
That Hemingway is miscast doesn't help the film any, since a more
experienced actress may have been able to provide the film with essential emotional weight through her strong performance.
Margaux is a vapid performer who also happens to have been unfortunately saddled with an unusual speaking voice that calls
unneeded attention to itself. Contrast her work here with Bancroft, who is broadly slumming in an unrestrained performance
that fails to hide the weaknesses and improbabilities in Rayfiel's dialogue. Sarandon is so unrepentantly creepy that
I'm forced to conclude that he did a good job, milking the slime of his character for more than it's worth, and little Mariel
is so good that it's surprising in retrospect her career hasn't been even more successful than it is.
LIPSTICK is ridiculous sleaze all right, but not in the upper echelon
of what-were-they-thinking studio thrillers like MANDINGO or THE COLOR OF NIGHT. It still contains traces of an even
dumber movie, including a weird scene of a naked Sarandon making a late-night prank phone call to Margaux that is never referred
to and an odd supporting turn by Perry King (hey, he was in MANDINGO!) that feels like most of it was left in the editing
room. LIPSTICK is one of those movies that, if it were any worse, would also be better. Also with Robin Gammill,
John Bennett Perry and Francesco as Francesco.
THE LIST OF ADRIAN MESSENGER (1963)--Directed
by John Huston. Stars George C. Scott, Dana Wynter, Gladys Cooper, Clive Brook. Enormously entertaining mystery starring Scott
as a retired British colonel attempting to solve the murders of twelve men whose names all appeared on the title list. The
victims were all World War II POWs whose plan for escape was spilled to the Japanese by an informer. The killer is a master
of disguise, which makes for some very clever moments. Kirk Douglas, Burt Lancaster, Tony Curtis, Frank Sinatra, Robert Mitchum
and director Huston all appear in cameos and in various disguises. Filmed on location in Ireland.
LITTLE CIGARS (1973)--Directed by Chris Christenberry.
Stars Angel Tompkins, Billy Curtis, Jerry Maren, Felix Silla, Frank Delfino, Emory Souza, Joe DeSantis. A buxom blonde
(the well-cast Tompkins) teams up with five men for a Midwestern armed robbery spree. The gimmick is that all five men…are
midgets. Angel encounters the “Little Cigars” during their carnival spiel, which turns out to be a cover
to distract the audience while the midgets rob their cars in the parking lot. Sensing an opportunity to pick up some
quick bucks, she convinces the men that, because of their size, they can pull off jobs ordinary robbers can’t.
While you would think that a gorgeous blonde and five midgets wouldn’t be able to elude police capture for long (a point
the film wisely makes), the Cigars manage quite a crime spree while being pursued by goons working for gangster DeSantis,
who wants to punish his former moll, Tompkins, for frying his manhood with a lit cigar. Surprisingly entertaining with
Christenberry’s light direction and the screenplay’s successful attempt to make all five midgets three-dimensional
characters with distinct personalities. Also with Jon Cedar, Phillip Kenneally, Barbara Rhoades, Todd Susman, Michael
Pataki and Frank Bonner. Music by Harry Betts. Writers Louis Garfinkle and Frank Ray Perilli worked many times
with producer Albert Band, including THE DOBERMAN GANG, another PG-rated caper movie.
LITTLE DARLINGS (1980)--Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell.
Stars Kristy McNichol, Tatum O'Neal, Matt Dillon, Armand Assante. The suspense comes in guessing which little darling at summer
camp will lose her virginity first--rich girl Tatum or poor kid Kristy. Good thing, since thats the film's entire plot. Dillon
and Assante are the objects of the girls' affections. From the director of GETTYSBURG.
THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1977)--Directed
by Nicholas Gessner. Stars Jodie Foster, Martin Sheen, Alexis Smith, Bobby Jacoby. 15-year-old Foster delivers
an assured, adult performance in this unusual, character-based chiller shot in Quebec. She plays 13-year-old Rynn, who
has been living in a rented house in a small Canadian community for only two months. Rynn appears to be quite independent,
perhaps because her father, a poet who craves privacy while working, never seems to be around. Her bigoted landlady
(Smith) and her pedophile son (Sheen) are inordinately interested in probing Rynn’s secrets, which lead to surprisingly
mature developments in Laird Koenig’s screenplay, based on his novel. Jacoby (from BAD RONALD) plays Mario, a
crippled teen magician with a strange kinship with Rynn. Christian Gaubert’s original score is inappropriate for
Gessner’s talky thriller, but LITTLE GIRL is otherwise a quite effective movie, containing a couple of good scare scenes,
four terrific lead performances, and suspenseful camerawork. Mort Shuman, the co-writer of “Viva Las Vegas”
(!), is surprisingly good as a sympathetic cop. AIP released it Stateside with a PG rating, but current prints reinstate
a nude scene (performed by Foster’s 21-year-old sister) that appeared in overseas prints.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE (2006)—Directed by Jonathan
Drayton and Valerie Faris. Stars Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Abigail Breslin, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano.
Four Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, went to this quirky light comedy about a dysfunctional family on a
road trip. The Hoovers pile into their old VW bus to take 8-year-old daughter Olive (Breslin) to California to compete
in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant. Dad Richard (Kinnear) is a failed motivational speaker. Uncle Frank
(Carell) was just released from the hospital following a suicide attempt, and teenage son Dwayne (Dano), a nihilist under
a vow of silence, is assigned against his will to keep an eye on him. Richard’s father (Arkin, who won the Best
Supporting Actor Oscar) is a foul-mouthed heroin user. And mom Sheryl (Collette) tries to keep it all together.
Mechanical failures, infighting, disillusionment, not even death keep the Hoovers from helping Olive’s dream come true.
If nothing else, they’re certainly resilient. I found SUNSHINE to be a moderately good time, but it’s hardly
deep or packed with bellylaughs, and I’ll be surprised if anyone remembers it even exists ten years from now.
Young Breslin was also nominated for an Oscar, as was screenwriter Michael Arndt (who won).
LITTLE NIKITA (1988)--Directed by Richard Benjamin.
Stars River Phoenix, Sidney Poitier, Richard Bradford. Poitier's return to the big screen after a ten-year absence. It's too
bad he came back for this silly and implausible thriller about an FBI agent (Poitier) who tracks a KGB agent (Bradford) to
a small California town. Poitier becomes friends with a teenage boy (Phoenix), whose typical middle-class parents turn out
to be Russian spies! The actors do what they can with the material, but there isn't much here of interest.
THE
LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960)--Directed by Roger Corman. Stars Jonathan Haze, Jackie Joseph, Mel Welles, Dick Miller,
Jack Nicholson. Corman's legendary cult horror/comedy was made in two days and a night on mostly one set. Haze is Seymour
Krelboin, a lowly assistant to florist Gravis Mushnick (Welles). Krelboin tries to impress his boss and his girlfriend Audrey
(Joseph) by inventing a new plant. Unfortunately, he later realizes that it talks and that it needs human flesh and blood
to survive. A truly clever and funny movie that parodies and satirizes dozens of American institutions, including DRAGNET,
Jerry Lewis movies and mad scientist B-pictures. Miller is great in his one scene as a plant-eating man (get it?), and Nicholson
is truly hilarious in a very early role as a masochist who loves visiting the dentist.
LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS
(1986)--Directed by Frank Oz. Stars Rick Moranis, Ellen Greene, Vincent Gardenia, Steve Martin. Funny and outrageous musical
based on Roger Corman's 1960 cult classic via a successful Broadway revival. Nebbishy Moranis invents a new plant, which endears
him to boss Gardenia and girlfriend Greene. However, when he finds that Audrey (the plant) needs human blood to survive, Moranis
keeps the bodies piling up. Cameos by James Belushi, Christopher Guest, Bill Murray (in the original Jack Nicholson role)
and John Candy. Levi Stubbs of the Four Tops is terrific as the voice of Audrey. "Mean Green Mother from Outer Space" was
a Best Song Oscar nominee.
LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)--Directed by Guy Hamilton. Stars Roger Moore,
Jane Seymour, Yaphet Kotto, Julius W. Harris, Clifton James, David Hedison, Gloria Hendry. Moore's first turn as Ian Fleming's
suave secret agent James Bond. 007 travels to New York to battle a band of Harlem heroin smugglers, led by Kotto (as Mr. Big)
and his metal-clawed henchman Harris. Kotto is also aided by a beautiful psychic named Solitaire (Seymour), who retains her
power only so long as she remains a virgin--a situation Bond quickly remedies. There's a great motorboat chase, and Moore
is okay as Bond, but the film at times veers too far into blaxploitation territory, and James is pretty embarrassing as a
redneck Louisiana sheriff. Music by George Martin. The excellent Top 10 theme was performed by Paul McCartney & Wings.
Script by Tom Mankiewicz. From the director of GOLDFINGER.
LIVE BY THE FIST (1993)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.
Stars Jerry Trimble, Vic Diaz, George Takei. Santiago returns to those CAGED HEAT 2 sets in the Philippines to shoot
this prison movie for executive producer Roger Corman. Light welterweight kickboxing champion Trimble is former Navy
SEAL John Merrill, who is framed for the murder of a Filipina and sentenced to an island prison ruled with a corrupt fist
by Warden Acosta (Diaz, who played pretty much the same role in CAGED HEAT 2). There he finds himself torn between two
rival gangs that want to kill him, a sadistic guard who wants to kill him, and Acosta, who wants to kill him. All this
blood thirst leads to several surprisingly well-choreographed fights, as Trimble kicks, punches and smacks his way through
pretty much the entire cast with the exception of Takei (STAR TREK), who plays Uncle, Merrill's kindly older cellmate.
Not only do the sets and situations seem familiar, but so does the story. That's because LIVE BY THE FIST is a remake
of Corman's BLOODFIST III: FORCED TO FIGHT, which came out a whole one year before this film (it's also better, thanks to
a warm supporting performance by Richard Roundtree in the Takei role). For 78 minutes of fast martial-arts action, LIVE
BY THE FIST fits the bill just fine. Also with Laura Albert, Ted Markland, Romy Diaz and Roland Dantes. Nicolas
Rivera's score is hilariously over the top. Trimble is from Kentucky.
LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD (2007)—Directed by
Len Wiseman. Stars Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Twelve after DIE HARD
WITH A VENGEANCE, which I don’t recall many people loving at the time, Willis returns as John McClane in LIVE FREE OR
DIE HARD, and, no, I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. This is a bad movie that I was willing to go along
with until its big action setpieces became just too silly to swallow, particularly one in which Willis drives a semi up a
steep incline, falls back through the trailer, lands on the wing of the F-35 fighter that’s shooting at him, and dives
off the plane onto the asphalt without getting hurt. It's a very mechanical film with no heart, no warmth, no realism.
Even though the plot threat affects far more people, I never felt any menace, as we did the hostage-taking of the first movie
or, especially, the stranded airplanes in DIE HARD 2. Since this movie looks and is designed like a video game, there's
no sense of danger or urgency; one expects to just "reset" Bruce at any time.
LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD (what does that mean?) really falls down in
its choice of villain. To go from Rickman to Sadler to Irons to Timothy Olyphant (!) is a struggle no film could defeat.
Olyphant is one-note as Gabriel, a cyber-terrorist who shuts down Washington, D.C. on July 4th in an attempt to drain the
U.S. economy directly into his bank account. McClane reluctantly teams with a young hacker/slacker (Long) in a chase
that resembles a Whack-A-Mole game with our heroes showing up just barely too late to stop Gabriel’s plot. And
if you didn’t think the bankruptcy of the United States was enough motivation for McClane to risk his life again, Gabriel
has to ruin everything by kidnapping the cop’s daughter (Winstead, the cheerleader memorable in DEATH PROOF) too.
Too much sloppy CGI, too little excitement, and no roles for Bonnie Bedelia or Reginald VelJohnson. Instead we get Cliff
Curtis, Maggie Q, Christina Chang, Zeljko Ivanek and Kevin Smith.
LIVE WIRE (1992)--Directed by Christian Duguay.
Stars Pierce Brosnan, Ron Silver, Ben Cross, Lisa Eilbacher. LIVE WIRE should have been the film that made Brosnan a
bankable star. Directed by Christian Duguay, who had some success in Canadian television and direct-to-video sequels,
LIVE WIRE was produced by New Line Cinema for theatrical release, but for whatever reason, it ended up debuting on HBO, where
audiences likely took it for just another made-for-TV thriller. Brosnan plays Danny O’Neill, a tortured FBI explosives
expert who comes across an ingenious bomb threat. Terrorist Mikhail Rashid (Ben Cross) masterminds a scheme to blow
up U.S. senators using a clever new explosive that looks, smells and tastes like water. It explodes upon contact with
stomach acid, making for a really bloody thirst-quencher. Meanwhile, Brosnan flexes not only his action chops, but also
his dramatic ones as Danny deals with the recent accidental death of his young daughter and his wife’s (Lisa Eilbacher)
affair with corrupt senator Ron Silver. Bolstered by a Bart Baker screenplay that mixes humor, domestic drama and intense
setpieces well-staged by Duguay, LIVE WIRE is a surprisingly good thriller.
THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987)--Directed by John Glen.
Stars Timothy Dalton, Maryam D'Abo, Joe Don Baker, John Rhys-Davies, Jeroen Krabbe. Dalton's first of two efforts as Ian Fleming's
famous British agent James Bond. 007 is sent to rescue a Russian defector (Krabbe), and uncovers a Soviet plot to buy hi-tech
weapons from an American arms dealer (Baker). Dalton is really very good as Bond; he's tough, suave and rugged--in fact, the
closest any actor has been to Fleming's description of 007 in the novels. Dalton does seem to take things a bit too seriously
though. D'Abo is bland as a Czech cellist, but Baker and Krabbe are serviceable villains (Baker returned to the Bond fold
as CIA liaison Jack Wade in Pierce Brosnans first two movies). In the first post-AIDS Bond film, 007 sleeps with just one
woman (D'Abo). The screenplay by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson is thankfully heavy on plot and easy on the gadgetry;
however, Bond's gimmick-laden Aston-Martin is a major gas. Set pieces include Bond riding down the side of a snowy mountain
on a cello case and a stunning fight while hanging out of a transport plane. Also with Art Malik, Caroline Bliss and Desmond
Llewellyn as Q. Music by John Barry. Theme performed by a-ha. Filmed in Austria, Morocco, Gibraltar, Italy, the United States
and England. From the director of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.
THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE (2003)--Directed by Jim
Fall. Stars Hilary Duff, Adam Lamberg, Yani Gellman, Alex Borstein, Ashlie Brillault, Robert Carradine, Hallie Todd,
Jake Thomas. Following in the footsteps of such cinematic landmines as MCHALE'S NAVY JOINS THE AIR FORCE and THE NUDE
BOMB comes THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE, a feature-film version of a situation comedy that has aired on the Disney Channel since
January 2001. For those of you who are not 13-year-old girls or parents of such and doubtlessly have little familiarity
with the show, Lizzie is a typical Southern California junior high school student, interested in makeup and boys and pop music
and malls and surrounded by a pair of loving though befuddled parents (Robert Carradine and Hallie Todd), a mischievous little
brother (Jake Thomas) and her best pal Gordo (Adam Lamberg), a boy in her class who clearly like-likes Lizzie as more than
a friend. Perhaps the show's most ingratiating quality is its habit of illustrating Lizzie's teenage insecurity with
an animated version that frequently punctuates the action to let us know what she's thinking.
Unlike most film renditions of TV sitcoms, such as THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
and THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE, Walt Disney's THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE is not a spoof. It's more akin to THE FACTS OF LIFE
GO TO PARIS, but on the big screen, as the television cast reunites for a glossier feature-length "episode". Lizzie
(played by wide-eyed 15-year-old Hilary Duff), freshly graduated from junior high, heads to Rome for a two-week class trip
that she hopes will invite adventure and romance. Also on board are Gordo; Lizzie's nemesis Kate Sanders (Ashlie Brillault),
a stuck-up glossy-lipped diva; and their chaperone Miss Ungermeyer (MAD TV's Alex Borstein). It takes Lizzie less than
a day to stumble onto a dreamy adventure, as she meets Paolo (Yani Gellman), a handsome Italian teen pop singer, and begins
faking illness in order to ditch Miss Ungermeyer's group and spend her days seeing the sights from the back of Paolo's motorcycle.
Her attempt at deception, aided by faithful Gordo, is jeopardized by the fact that Lizzie bears a striking resemblance to
Paolo's equally famous singing partner Isabella (also Duff). In the sitc0m universe where LIZZIE takes place, that means
Lizzie will eventually have to impersonate Isabella on a live television broadcast, performing an elaborate production number
complete with backup dancers and an audience including her own family, which has traveled spur-of-the-moment thousands of
miles because they missed her.
LIZZIE is a fluffy fairytale mixing elements of ROMAN HOLIDAY, THREE
COINS IN THE FOUNTAIN and even THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER, the kind of movie in which the romance consists of only one kiss,
travelogue montages of Roma are accompanied by Dean Martin songs on the soundtrack, the idea of an American ninth-grader being
picked up by an older Italian lothario is fanciful instead of foolhardy, and "The End" is spelled out with a fireworks display.
As empty and gooey as LIZZIE is, it's impossible to dislike and is in fact a logical successor to previous Disney kid fare
like POLLYANNA and THE PARENT TRAP. Miss Duff combines the likable, down-to-earth spunk of Hayley Mills with the innocent
sex appeal of Annette Funicello, her unapproachable beauty counterbalanced by a self-effacing humor and identifiable awkwardness
that rings true to teens. In reality, Duff is too lovely and charming to ever be mistaken for the class misfit that
Lizzie is, but the bouncy exuberance of her performance forces us to like her nonetheless.
One note of caution to parents attending with their kids:
be prepared to buy the soundtrack. LIZZIE is awash with appropriately frothy bubblegum pop, expertly crafted to both
provide ancillary income for Disney and to apparently launch Hilary Duff's singing career. Whether her albums sell in
the millions like Christina Aguilera's or populate bargain bins at flea markets worldwide like Alyssa Milano's, it's too early
to say, but in the current Britneyized rock-as-porn media-driven teen climate, it's refreshing to see a young girl singer
who genuinely appears to be having a good time performing. And just performing, without the complex choreography, the
colorless posing, and especially the grotesque sexualization that seems to go with the territory these days, usually in an
attempt to deflect attention away from the performer's lack of talent. I suppose the backstage machinations behind Duff's
career are as calculated as anyone else's (all the way back to teen idols of the past like Sandra Dee and Troy Donahue), but
for her sake, I hope her handlers realize that she doesn't need the artifice of too-sexy clothes and high-priced record deals.
She is the real deal.
LOADED GUNS (1974)--Directed by Fernando di Leo.
Stars Ursula Andress, Woody Strode. I must confess that I don't remember a damn thing about this except that Andress takes
her clothes off and battles drug dealers including Strode. And it's Italian.
LOAN SHARK (1952)—Directed by Seymour Friedman.
Stars George Raft, John Hoyt, Paul Stewart, Russell Johnson, William Phipps. It's dark. The camera slowly dollies in
on an apartment building, as an upstairs light turns off. Pan down to see a man exit onto the street. A nervous man carrying
a suitcase. As he walks down the sidewalk, he hears loud footsteps behind him. Two men. Clop clop clop clop. The man is afraid.
He begins to panic and runs down an alley. But he's trapped. It's a dead end. Clop clop clop clop. The eerie-sounding footsteps
grow louder as the men inside the shoes get closer. The man looks into the camera with a terrified look on his face. Cut to
a fist jabbing directly into the lens, as an animated glass cracking fills the screen. A fast dissolve to the two men working
over the first man. One holding him from behind, the other smashing him in the face over and over until he finally collapses,
unconscious, to the alley floor against a garbage can. A music sting and the title--LOAN SHARK--fills the screen.
Admittedly, this 1952 crime drama never lives up to its stylish and
definitely attention-grabbing prologue, but it's still an interesting little picture. Screen legend George Raft (SCARFACE)
toplines as Joe Gargan, a tough but decent guy just out from serving nearly three years in prison for beating a guy up in
a fight. Temporarily shacked up in his "kid sister's" house (Raft is thirty years older--and looks it--than the actress playing
his sister), he is offered a job at the tire plant where his brother-in-law Ed (Bill Phipps) works, but turns it down when
the boss asks him to investigate a loan sharking conspiracy that's draining the employees of their paychecks. Joe changes
his mind, however, when Ed is murdered after attempting to gather evidence against the loan sharks. Undercover, Joe ingratiates
himself with the leader, Phillips (John Hoyt), and is invited to join the organization as a collector, where he works from
inside to discover the identity of both Phillips' boss and the tire plant employee who killed Ed.
LOAN SHARK is hardly credible--the police are completely unaware of
Joe's investigation, which is completely run by the tire plant boss, the most generous ever. Meanwhile, Raft is clearly, at
almost sixty, too old for the role, yet his professionalism and the fine cast recruited by journeyman director Seymour Friedman
make the story feel somewhat real. Busy TV guest star Paul Stewart plays Phillips' #1 gunsel--a role he would portray in a
zillion television episodes--and future "Professor" Russell Johnson has a decent part as the killer. LOAN SHARK runs only
74 minutes, so there isn't time for it to grow old, and location shooting at a real Goodyear plant adds verisimilitude. In
fact, the scenes showing how tires are (were) made are some of the coolest in the movie!
THE LOCH NESS HORROR (1981)—Directed by Larry
Buchanan. Stars Sandy Kenyon, Miki McKenzie, Barry Buchanan, Stuart Lancaster. How do I know this is a Larry Buchanan movie?
It opens with credits playing over hacky bagpipe music. Then a guy looks out his window at a Nazi plane, as the view through
his telescope impossibly soars over and around the plane. Cut to the silliest, fakest-looking dinosaur puppet since THE MIGHTY
GORGA. Yep, we’re in Buchananland, all right. Tom Valentine, Peter Chesney, and Image Engineering were proud enough
of their work on this film to take prominent special effects credit, although if there were ever an Alan Smithee substitute,
this would have been the time for it.
Amid pro-oil proselytizing, unconvincing Scottish accents, and wretched
dialogue, Nessie rears her green plastic head out of Lake Tahoe Loch Ness, shoots smoke out of its expressionless face, and
chomps on boaters. Even better, Buchanan makes Nessie an amphibian, so she can roam around on land eating people too. There’s
also a boring subplot involving a government conspiracy and the downed Nazi plane from the prologue.
The director leaves no Scottish cliché unturned in this inept monster
tale that casts familiar character actor Kenyon as Dr. Sanderson, the “most famous marine biologist in the whole United
Kingdom.” Kenyon later played the murderer (!) of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, and Janis Joplin in Buchanan’s BEYOND
THE DOORS. THE LOCH NESS HORROR is not so-bad-it’s-good nor is it, obviously, so-good-it’s-good. It’s just
bad. Well, it’s a Buchanan film, right?
LOCK UP (1989)--Directed by John Flynn. Stars
Sylvester Stallone, Donald Sutherland, John Amos, Tom Sizemore. LOCK UP may be the least believable film of Sylvester
Stallone's career, as hard as it may be to believe. He's the world's nicest criminal, a guy who was sent away for beating
up the neighborhood bully. With just six months to go on his sentence, he's abducted from his country-club prison and
deposited in a hellhole commanded by warden Donald Sutherland. Stallone is the only inmate to ever escape from Sutherland's
prison, and Don wants revenge. LOCK UP is probably the only prison picture with a buoyant musical montage (to The Ides
of March's "Vehicle"), but it's also a pretty decent picture. Stallone was facing much critical backlash at this point
in his career, and it’s possible this action picture may have been a bigger hit if made a few years earlier. Also
with Frank McRae, Sonny Landham, Danny Trejo and Darlanne Fluegel. Music by Bill Conti.
LOCKDOWN (1990)--Directed by Frank Harris.
Stars Richard Lynch, Chris DeRose, Chuck Jeffreys. DeRose is like a less animated Ken Wahl, if you can believe it, but
Lynch turns in a typically colorful villainous performance as a car thief who frames cop DeRose for a murder. While
DeRose mopes around the federal pen, dodging assassination attempts by the cousin of the man he allegedly killed (who also
happens to be the leader of Lynch's chop-shop gang), his partner (Jeffreys) noses around on the outside to find evidence that
will exonerate him. Harris can't decide whether to make DeRose or Lynch his lead character, even though Lynch is much
more interesting to watch. He does, however, take full advantage of Jeffreys' uncanny vocal and physical resemblance
to Eddie Murphy. This is a pretty routine prison picture that's not above opening some convenient plot holes to paint
its way out of a corner. Harris' direction is as bland as DeRose's performance. Believe it or not, DeRose once
competed on BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS as a cast member of THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS! Jeffreys, who shows off some nice
martial arts skills, works as a stunt coordinator today (BLADE: TRINITY). Also with Joe Estevez, Elizabeth Kaitan and
Elizabeth Rowin. Music by Bob Mamet. From the director of KILLPOINT, who also served as his own cinematographer.
Filmed in San Jose, California.
LOCUSTS (2005)--Directed by David Jackson.
Stars Lucy Lawless, John Heard, Mike Farrell, Dylan Neal. CBS, which scored big with SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK a month
earlier, aired LOCUSTS, which stars Lawless (XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS) as the U.S. Undersecretary of Agriculture (!) who fires
her former mentor (Heard of C.H.U.D.) after she discovers his secret experiments to create a "bio-engineered superlocust".
He claims the same science can be used to cure children with cancer, but Xena's not having any of it and orders the superlocusts
destroyed. Some get away, though--one of the military flamethrower guys steals some of them and accidentally knocks
a couple into the sink drain, then at an Air Force base, a Jeep driver is hit in the eye with a flying insect, which causes
him to swerve out of control, knocking the briefcase carrying the other locusts out of the Jeep, where it is run over by a
following Jeep, which causes the rest of the kidnapped locusts to escape. Yep, it's that kind of movie. Farrell
(M*A*S*H) plays Xena's father, a simple Indiana farmer, who somehow managed to spawn a daughter with a New Zealand accent,
and Neal (HYPERION BAY) is her wimpy husband, who whines about Lucy not making enough time for him. The teleplay by
Doug Prochilo and the visual effects are the pits, and since locusts really aren't terribly dangerous to humans, the body
count and terror factor are too low to work up much suspense. As two hours of TV silliness, LOCUSTS is mildly diverting,
but I liked the over-the-top cheese of SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK better.
THE LODGER (2009)—Directed by David Ondaatje.
Stars Simon Baker, Hope Davis, Alfred Molina, Shane West, Rachael Leigh Cook. First-time director Ondaatje takes on Marie
Belloc Lowndes’ 1913 novel, which has been filmed officially and unofficially many times since, most notably Alfred
Hitchcock’s 1927 silent thriller. Sleepy performances and unimaginative storytelling make this version less diverting
than a typical TV cop show with superficiality substituting for style. The most frustrating thing about THE LODGER is that,
after it’s over, you still won’t know who the killer is, since Ondaatje couldn’t resist throwing in a coda
that contradicts everything. Fragile housewife Ellen Bunting (Davis) rents out her guest house to a handsome writer named
Malcolm (THE MENTALIST star Davis), who may be the serial killer slicing up prostitutes in West Hollywood. Molina (FRIDA)
plays Chandler Manning, the angry homicide detective with a rookie partner (West) and an estranged daughter (Cook). Also with
Mel Harris, Philip Baker Hall, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Donal Logue. Music by John Frizzell.
LOGAN'S RUN (1976)--Directed by Michael Anderson.
Stars Michael York, Richard Jordan, Jenny Agutter, Roscoe Lee Browne, Peter Ustinov. MGM released this mega-budgeted science-fiction
movie to generally poor reviews and box-office in 1976, the year before STAR WARS changed the face of sci-fi forever. In the
23rd century, Earth's population lives peaceful and hedonistic lives within domed cities, free from crime and disease. The
downside is that life ends at age 30, when, on Lastday, citizens take part in Carousel, in which lucky participants are reportedly
renewed through reincarnation. Some refuse to report for Carousel, and are called runners; they attempt to flee, and are pursued
by an elite band of policemen called Sandmen.
Logan 5 (York) and Francis 6 (Jordan) are two such Sandmen, best friends
who take pleasure in gunning down runners. Logan becomes curious about a strange ankh he removes from the body of one runner,
and he later meets a beautiful young woman named Jessica (Agutter), who wears an identical ankh around her neck. When his
next assignment involves a trip outside the dome to track down over 1000 runners that are unaccounted for, Logan becomes suspicious
about Carousel, and teams up with Jessica to escape the city and find Sanctuary, a fabled paradise where runners are able
to grow old peacefully. Pursued by an obsessive Francis, Logan and Jessica escape the city through a series of ice caves,
where they are menaced by a shiny silver robot called Box (Browne), and wind up in a post-apocalyptic Washington, D.C., where
they meet a kindly old T.S. Eliot-quoting man played by Ustinov.
Besides the expensive-looking sets and skimpy costumes
on the ladies, there isn't much to recommend about LOGAN'S RUN. The Oscar-winning visual effects involve obvious miniatures,
matte paintings and process shots that can most politely be described today as unconvincing. No attempt was made by Anderson
or costume designer Bill Thomas to disguise the blatantly '70s fashions and hairstyles, David Zelag Goodman's (EYES OF LAURA
MARS, STRAW DOGS) screenplay is pretty confusing at times, and Anderson (DOC SAVAGE) merely plods along from one setpiece
to the next without infusing much excitement into them. The performances range from intense (Jordan, who's mostly wasted)
to sleepy (York) to vapid (Agutter) to distractingly hammy (Ustinov, who appears to be auditioning for the role of Boss Hogg).
On the plus side are Jerry Goldsmith's part-electronic-part-orchestral musical score and a surprising amount of nudity (including
Agutter) for a PG movie.
Also with Farrah Fawcett-Majors (just before CHARLIE'S ANGELS shot her to superstardom),
Michael Anderson Jr. (THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER), Lara Lindsay and Gary Morgan. The futuristic-looking sets were actually a
Dallas, Texas mall. Goodman based his screenplay upon a novel by SF vets William F. Nolan and George Clayton Johnson, which
was also spun off into a short-lived television series.
LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN
(1993)--Directed by Robert Butler. Stars Dean Cain, Teri Hatcher, John Shea. Feature-length pilot to the ABC-TV series introduced
Cain as a sexier Superman and Hatcher as a stronger Lois Lane, who nonetheless needed saving many times over in the pilot
and in the episodes that followed. Shea became one of the great villains in TV history with his portrayal of evil millionaire
Lex Luthor, who tries to destroy both the space shuttle and the mysterious superhero with the red cape that is standing between
him and world domination. The show did an admirable job at balancing romantic comedy and adventure/fantasy, but after three
successful seasons, new (inferior) writers and producers came in and demolished whatever quality the series had to that point.
LOIS & CLARK had become so bad that ABC buried it in a Saturday time slot, then bought out its previous commitment for
a fifth season. The pilot featured Lane Smith as Daily Planet editor Perry White, Michael Landes as Jimmy Olsen, Tracy Scoggins,
Elizabeth Barondes, Tony Jay and Kim Johnston-Ulrich. Teleplay by the show's executive producer Deborah Joy Levine. The beautiful
Hatcher became one of TV's most photographed women, and was reportedly the most downloaded actress on the Internet. Butler
was a veteran director of many TV pilots, including STAR TREK and HILL STREET BLUES.
LOLA COLT (1967)—Directed by Siro Marcellini.
Stars Lola Falana, Peter Martell, German Cobos. There are few movie concepts less likely than a dusty Italian western starring
glamorous Las Vegas entertainer Lola Falana. She was only about 24 years old when she starred in this gimmick flick that played
the bottom of U.S. double bills with the Burt Reynolds programmer SHARK. By that time, however, it was 1976—a full decade
after the darned thing was made—and distributor Hallmark/Newport was taking a last stab at capturing fumes of the waning
blaxploitation genre by retitling the film BLACK TIGRESS.
Lola plays Lola, one of four showgirls stranded in Santa Ana when
one of them falls ill. She sings for her supper in skimpy outfits, slinking and shimmering across a saloon stage and singing
to an invisible orchestra blaring Vegas-style showtunes in a style that wouldn’t be invented for another century. Santa
Ana is run roughshod by a villain in black named El Diablo (Cobos), and only Lola and med student Rod (Martell) are bad enough
to stand up to him.
I wonder what American audiences would have thought of seeing a beautiful
black woman playing cowboy and kissing and killing white men at a time when blacks and whites were just beginning to drink
from the same water fountains in all fifty states. It’s like Lester Maddox’s worst nightmares. Maybe that’s
why it didn’t play U.S. drive-ins at the time—it was too far ahead of its time in that regard.
LOLA COLT is a crude and clunky exercise that certainly takes advantage
of Falana’s immense physical charms (what legs!), but mostly wastes them with an unimaginative script and direction.
Falana appeared more than fifty times on THE TONIGHT SHOW. I wonder if she and Johnny ever talked about LOLA COLT.
LONE HERO (2002)--Directed by Ken Sanzel. Stars
Sean Patrick Flanery, Lou Diamond Phillips, Robert Forster. Phillips gets top billing in this not-bad DTV thriller as
Bart, the evil leader of a biker gang who sticks up a tavern in a small Montana town and is "arrested" by citizen John (Flanery),
a college-age youth working in a Wild West show at a local tourist trap. Bart swears revenge against John and the whole
town of Profit after his swift escape from the local yokel cops. The townspeople become virtual prisoners of Bart's
entire gang, leaving it up to John and his grizzled co-worker Gus (Forster) to keep the peace. Sanzel brings a welcome
light touch to his script that's nicely played by the leads. You probably never rented this movie because the video
box consists solely of a photo of a longhaired Lou Diamond, but it's a pleasant trifle with enough gunplay and chases to keep
you awake. Forster steals the show as usual. Also with Mark Metcalf and Tanya Allen. Filmed in Canada.
THE LONE RANGER (1956)--Directed by Stuart Heisler.
Stars Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels, Lyle Bettger. After 200 or so TV shows, the Lone Ranger and Tonto came to the big screen
in their first color feature. The characters (which were created for a radio program in 1933 by Fran Striker) had also been
the subjects of a '30s serial released by Republic Pictures. Moore, who played the masked man on television from 1949 to 1957
(except for a brief period when he was replaced by John Hart), was still making public appearances in costume in the 1990s.
When THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER was released in 1981 with unknown Klinton Spilsbury as the titular hero, Moore was forced
to stop wearing the Ranger's mask in public under penalty of copyright law. He got around that ruling by substituting big
sunglasses for the mask. Silverheels died in 1984. In this movie, the masked man and Tonto try to prevent war between ranchers
and Indians. Also with Robert Wilke, Michael Ansara, Beverly Washburn, Perry Lopez and William Schallert. Music by David Buttolph
includes "The William Tell Overture" (of course), and is very reminiscent of his MAVERICK theme of a year later.
THE
LONE RANGER AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD (1958)--Directed by Lesley Selander. Stars Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels,
Douglas Kennedy. United Artists released this second feature (see 1956's THE LONE RANGER) based on the long-running TV show
starring Moore and Silverheels. Fans of the series will find something to like here. It has a pulpy plot (hooded raiders murdering
owners of a mysterious medallion that, when all five pieces are joined together, forms a map to a legendary hidden city made
of gold discovered by Spanish conquistadors hundreds of years earlier), the masked man dons one of his patented disguises
to pump a femme fatale for information, Tonto goes into town and gets beaten up, and, of course, lots of bang-bang action.
And it's in bright Technicolor, and mostly takes place on vast desert locations rather than a soundstage featuring that same
old big rock (you fans of the TV show know which rock I'm talking about). The biggest difference is that the Ranger and Tonto
shoot to kill in this movie, whereas I don't believe they ever killed anyone in the series. Selander's direction is static
and features too many talking heads, and there's a dull romantic subplot involving a proud doctor and his Indian fiancé, but
THE LONE RANGER AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD is basically 80 minutes of cowboy fun, and shouldn't be missed by anyone who grew
up watching these heroes in afternoon reruns. Also with Charles Watts, Noreen Nash, Lisa Montell, Ralph Moody and Dean Fredericks,
who passed away at the age of 75 the same day I saw this movie again in 1999. Music by Les Baxter is routine, and doesn't
sound much different than the library tracks used in the ABC-TV show. Selander directed over 125 features, almost all of them
westerns of the B variety.
LONE STAR (1996)--Directed by John Sayles. Stars Chris Cooper, Kris Kristofferson,
Matthew McConaughey, Joe Morton, Elizabeth Pena, Clifton James. One of Sayles's best films and possibly the best movie of
1996. Sayles, who also wrote and edited, has composed a story that is structured like a mystery, but is mostly about family,
race relations, dealing with the past, patriotism--you name it. Cooper is Sam Deeds, sheriff of a Texas border town, who is
called in to investigate when a forty-year-old skeleton turns up in the desert. It is former sheriff Charley Wade (played
in flashbacks by Kristofferson), a corrupt lawman who allegedly skipped town in 1957 with $10,000 in city funds. Wade's replacement
was the legendary Buddy Deeds (McConaughey), Sam's deceased father. Deeds believes his father may have committed the murder,
and during his investigation he becomes involved with the town's mayor (who was also Wade's deputy), the owner of the town's
black tavern, a wealthy Mexican woman and the woman's daughter, Pilar, who is also Deeds's high school sweetheart. Pilar is
played by the marvelous actress Elizabeth Pena, who has appeared in other Sayles films (and his unfortunately short-lived
TV series SHANNON'S DEAL). Although the story takes place in three different time periods, Sayles's seamless editing keeps
it flowing, and his rich dialogue (there isn't much action in this cop story) is endlessly entertaining. There isn't much
humor in LONE STAR, and Cooper isn't loaded with charisma, but these are minor quibbles. LONE STAR is a great film.
LONE
WOLF McQUADE (1983)--Directed by Steve Carver. Stars Chuck Norris, David Carradine, Robert Beltran, Barbara Carrera,
L.Q. Jones, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Dana Kimmell. Many classic films can be summed up in merely one scene--a scene so indelible
that, once viewed, is imprinted onto your brain forever. PSYCHO's shower scene. Brando with the orange peel in THE GODFATHER.
Gene Kelly splashing the title song in SINGING IN THE RAIN. LONE WOLF MCQUADE, chopsocky hero Chuck Norris's most entertaining
feature, has a scene like that. Norris, as maverick Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade, has been captured in the desert by evil drugrunner
David Carradine. Instead of just shooting him in the head, Carradine promises Norris a slow, tortuous death. He rips off his
rival's badge, tosses him into the front of his 4x4, pushes it into a deep pit, and uses bulldozers to bury Norris alive.
As Francesco DeMasi's Morricone-like score builds to a frenzy, Norris opens a bottle of beer, pours the liquid over his head,
starts the engine--VROOM!--shifts into drive, pushes the secret button on the dashboard that operates the truck's Super Turbo
Charger, lets out a scream, floors the accelerator and--VOOM!--drives that sucker right outta the ground! As dopey as it may
seem on the surface, that moment never fails to garner a noisy reaction from its audience, and it's to Norris and director
Steve Carver's credit that they're able to maintain the same level of excitement through the rest of the movie.
Although
set in contemporary times, LONE WOLF MCQUADE is really a throwback to the Italian westerns of the '60s, even hiring DeMasi
(who has scored films with great titles like KILL THEM ALL AND COME BACK ALONE, SEVEN PISTOLS FOR A MASSACRE and FOR A FEW
BULLETS MORE) as composer. McQuade (Norris), the hero, is your basic stereotypical movie cop--a man of few words and many
bullets who's always being dressed down by his by-the-book superior (played here by western vet R.G. Armstrong). After a well-mounted
opening sequence that climaxes in Norris mowing down about a dozen guys with a machine gun ("A Texas Ranger once kicked my
daddy's teeth out. How 'bout you, Ranger, you goan' kick my teeth out?") and saving the life of rookie cop Kayo (Beltran),
he begins investigating an Army transport hijacking that resulted in the theft of hundreds of high-powered weapons in which
his teenage daughter Sally (Kimmell) is injured and her boyfriend killed. Reluctantly teaming with Kayo, former partner Dakota
(the always-charismatic Jones) and government agent Jackson (PENITENTIARY's Kennedy), McQuade traces the robbery to sinister,
karate-kicking magnate Rawley Wilkes (Carradine), who loses his spicy girlfriend Lola (Carrera) to McQuade's taciturn charms,
but counters by kidnapping Sally. The finale pits Norris and a V-neck-sweater-clad Carradine in a sandy mano-y-mano battle
to the death.
The screenplay by H. Kaye Dyal and B.J. Nelson may contain a lapse or two in logic, but Carver's direction
is so fast-paced that the script basically serves as a clothespin on which to hang karate battles, car chases and shootouts.
Everyone seems to have gotten the comic-book feel of the production, directing Carradine to play the heavy like he's taking
over the world, making sure no more than a few scenes go by without someone being shot or kicked in the face, and even tossing
in as a supporting character a midget in a mechanical wheelchair with secret passages installed in his racetrack office! Norris
is no great shakes as an actor, but his limitations are less noticeable surrounded by scenery-chewing vets Carradine and Jones,
and he looks like DeNiro next to Carrera's unconvincing performance.
Of Norris's features, only CODE OF SILENCE, directed
by future Oscar nominee Andrew Davis, is as good as MCQUADE, which serves as a fine precursor to his long-running television
series WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. Also with Sharon Farrell, William Sanderson, John Anderson, Daniel Frishman and Aaron Norris.
Carradine was reportedly a bit of trouble on the set. He allegedly agreed to do the film only on three conditions: 1) he got
the girl 2) he didn't lose an onscreen fight to Norris and 3) his character didn't die. Needless to say with Wilkes being
the villain, these didn't all come to pass. Carver had previously helmed Chuck in AN EYE FOR AN EYE. McQuade's injured daughter
is taken to Eastwood Hospital, an obvious nod to the Sergio Leone westerns. From the director of BIG BAD MAMA. Chuck's stuntman
brother Aaron went on to direct nine films, most of which starred Chuck; he also served as a writer, director and executive
producer on WALKER.
LONELY ARE THE BRAVE (1962)--Directed by David Miller. Stars Kirk Douglas, Walter
Matthau, Gena Rowlands, George Kennedy. Solid drama about a modern-day cowboy (Douglas) who receives a one-year jail sentence
for his part in a bar brawl. Rather than serving his time, Douglas escapes on horseback and is pursued, using modern means,
by a sympathetic sheriff (Matthau). Douglas and Matthau are excellent as the antagonists who have much respect for each other,
yet must be enemies. The supporting roles are well cast, and the touching script was penned by Dalton Trumbo (PAPILLON). Also
with Carroll O'Connor and Bill Raisch as the man Douglas fights with in the bar. Raisch went on to TV cult fame as the one-armed
man who outran David Janssen on THE FUGITIVE.
THE LONELY GUY (1984)--Directed by Arthur Hiller. Stars
Steve Martin, Charles Grodin, Judith Ivey, Robyn Douglass. When Martin is kicked out by girlfriend Douglass in this mostly
unfunny comedy, he finds a friend in fellow lonely-guy Grodin. As usual, Martin and Grodin are good for a few laughs, but
the script (co-written by Neil Simon) just isn't funny. One of Martin's worst movies.
THE LONELY LADY
(1983)--Directed by Peter Sasdy. Stars Pia Zadora, Lloyd Bochner, Bibi Besch, Jared Martin, Joseph Cali. One of the funniest
movies you're likely to see in this or any other lifetime. Just think if it had been made as a comedy. Aspiring screenwriter
Zadora battles the usual obstacles on her way to Hollywood stardom, such as abortion, a nervous breakdown, rape with a garden
hose, and lesbianism. Look for Ray Liotta in a supporting role. Filmed in Italy, and based on a novel by Harold Robbins.
THE
LONG GOODBYE (1973)--Directed by Robert Altman. Stars Elliott Gould, Sterling Hayden, Nina van Pallandt, Mark Rydell,
Jim Bouton. Excellent crime drama starring Gould as Raymond Chandler's literary private eye Philip Marlowe. The setting has
been updated to modern-day Los Angeles, and the story finds Marlowe reluctantly becoming involved with a gangster (Rydell)
who thinks Marlowe has some money belonging to him; Marlowe's friend Terry (Bouton), who may have killed his wife; and Terry's
neighbor (van Pallandt), who thinks her eccentric alcoholic husband (Hayden) may have killed Terry's wife. The plot isn't
nearly as important as the dialogue and atmosphere, which are wonderful. The casting of Gould, a Jew from New York, as Philip
Marlowe caused many Chandler fans to become outraged, but it's hard to picture any other contemporary actor in the role. Much
of Gould's dialogue was reportedly improvised. Much of the realism comes from Altman's ingenious casting of non-actors in
major roles--Rydell was a director; van Pallandt, a socialite; Bouton, a major-league baseball player. Music by John Williams.
Cinematography by Vilmos Zsigmond (CHINATOWN). Screenplay by Leigh Brackett (THE BIG SLEEP). Look for David Carradine in a
cameo and an early screen appearance by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Music by John Williams.
LONG WEEKEND (1979)—Directed by Colin Eggleston.
Stars John Hargreaves, Briony Behets. Cool, taut two-hander literally pits man against nature. This Australian thriller’s
ecological message is as timely as ever, though slow buildup means viewers in search of cheap jolts will have to remain patient.
Peter (Hargreaves) and Marcia (Behets, the director’s wife), a married couple who don’t appear to love one another
very much, set off on a weekend camping trip that just maybe will revitalize their relationship. Smokey the Bear would have
a conniption if he saw what these arrogant, self-absorbed city folk were doing to his land. Flicking cigarette butts willy-nilly,
chopping trees for the hell of it, tossing garbage wherever they happen to be standing. Finally, Eggleston and writer Everett
de Roche answer the question, “What happens when Nature has had enough?”
Although theaters during the late 1970s were packed with movies about
animals running amok, LONG WEEKEND is no schlocky monster movie like DAY OF THE ANIMALS. Lustrously photographed in Panavision
and deftly performed by actors who make unlikable characters worth watching, Eggleston’s atmospheric thriller unfolds
in an otherworldly fashion, as we’re never certain how or why—or if—things are happening. After Peter is
attacked in short order by both an eagle and an opossum, the duo makes plans to split. If they’re allowed to. Didn’t
play theatrically in the United States, but is now available on a sumptuous-looking DVD from Synapse.
THE LONGEST NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Jack Smight.
Stars David Janssen, James Farentino, Sallie Shockley, Skye Aubrey. Merwin Gerard (ONE STEP BEYOND) based his teleplay
on the ordeal of college student Barbara Jane Mackle, who was kidnapped in 1968 by an intelligent assailant and his girlfriend
who buried her in the Georgia woods in a specially designed box that was attached to a sophisticated battery system that provided
enough light, air and water for several days. The 1973 exploitation feature THE CANDY SNATCHERS was likely inspired
by the famous case, which was officially adapted from Mackle’s autobiography as 83 HOURS ‘TIL DAWN in 1990.
THE LONGEST NIGHT was made for the ABC MOVIE OF THE WEEK while the case was still fresh in the public mind, and it seems to
be a relatively accurate retelling. Janssen is stalwart as the girl’s father, here named Chambers, and Farentino
and Aubrey play the kidnappers. Smight (BANACEK) uses date and time stamps to create a quasi-documentary style, which
fits Gerard’s no-frills storytelling to a T. Mike Farrell, Joel Fabiani, John Kerr and Jason Bernard co-star as
law enforcement. Also with Phyllis Thaxter, Richard Anderson, Robert Cornthwaite, Charles McGraw, Antony Carbone, Tom
Hallick, Sharon Gless and Ross Elliott. Quentin Tarantino directed a CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION episode that features
a kidnapping similar to Mackle’s.
THE LONGEST YARD (1974)--Directed by Robert Aldrich.
Stars Burt Reynolds, Eddie Albert, Michael Conrad, Ed Lauter, James Hampton. This funny and brutal prison film remains
one of the great sports films, partically because Aldrich insisted on making the football scenes as real as possible.
For the most part, the players on the field were real-life college, semi-pro and former pro players, and they ran actual plays
with the defense really trying to sack Reynolds, playing washed-up NFL quarterback Paul Crewe. Run out of the league
in a point-shaving scandal and currently serving five years for dropping his girlfriend’s Maserati into the drink, Crewe
is recruited by corrupt warden Hazen to organize a football team of inmates to play against his vicious semipro team staffed
with guards. A no-holds-barred football game between inmates and guards is a terrific concept by producer Albert S.
Ruddy (THE GODFATHER), and screenwriter Tracy Keenan Wynn (TRIBES) makes it one of Hollywood’s most memorable sporting
events, filled with fights, foul mouths and an exciting ending. The finale lasts about 45 minutes, and at times it’s
like you’re watching an actual game. The eclectic cast of athletes and character actors includes Charles Tyner,
Harry Caesar, Mike Henry, Ray Nitschke, Pervis Atkins, Richard Kiel, Anitra Ford, Joe Kapp, Robert Tessier, Sonny Sixkiller
and Alfie Wise. Frank deVol’s score is too old-fashioned for a rough, profane comedy like this one. Reynolds,
Albert and Aldrich worked together again a year later in HUSTLE.
THE LONGEST YARD (2005)--Directed by Peter Segal.
Stars Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, Chris Rock, James Cromwell, Cloris Leachman. Talk about a film almost completely
without worth. Not to say that the remake of THE LONGEST YARD, which stars Adam Sandler as Burt Reynolds (snicker), is awful.
It's too mediocre to be awful. But if ever a film was unnecessary, it's this one. The problem is that everything that you
remember about the original film is re-created here, but not as well.
In 1974, Reynolds starred as Paul Crewe, an ex-NFL quarterback drummed
out of the league after a point-shaving scandal and sentenced to a prison term after getting drunk and stealing his girlfriend's
car. The same with Crewe in the 2005 version, except now we're expected to buy the diminutive, non-athletic Sandler as a studly
womanizing football star who posed for underwear ads. Strangely, Sheldon Turner's screenplay for the new film claims that
the allegations against Crewe were never proven, yet he was somehow convicted on federal racketeering charges because of the
point-shaving. Either he shaved points or he didn't; Turner tries to have it both ways (we find out for sure later in the
film).
Warden Hazen (Cromwell), who has political intentions, blackmails
Crewe (we don't really know why) into putting together a team of convicts to play a practice game against his semipro squad
of prison guards. Act II is pretty much THE DIRTY DOZEN, as Sandler assembles his squad of misfits and trains them to be football
players. Act III is the big game, and you don't have to have seen the 1974 film to figure out what's going to happen.
Crewe coerced into sleeping with the warden's secretary? Yep, it's
here, except it's an embarassing turn by elderly Cloris Leachman as an old perv.
Crewe nailing a referee in the nuts with a pass? Twice? Yep, that's
here.
Remember when Richard Kiel clotheslined an opponent, leading to the
memorable line, "I think I broke his fucking neck!"? That's here too, except the line is now, "I think he shit himself." Ha.
Ha.
Caretaker (Rock in James Hampton's role) getting killed? Yep. The
memorable conclusion with the warden shouting at the head guard to kill Crewe? That's here too. Thankfully, the studio gave
Tracy Keenan Wynn and Albert S. Ruddy, the original film's writers, a screen credit on the remake, because they certainly
did most of the heavy lifting on it.
Other updates include the climactic game being broadcast on ESPN2,
as if a national cable network would be interested in a sandlot game, especially one with such great potential for serious
violence. Also, the players are too good. The warden sets this up a bit by explaining how he has recruited former college
players to work for him as guards, but the level of play on the field is NFL-quality.
Perhaps the new film plays better if you're unfamiliar with the original,
which also starred the late Eddie Albert, who coincidentally died the day before the remake opened, as the warden. It's a
wonderful performance, made all the meaner by the fact that Albert had not played many heavies up to that point, whereas Cromwell
has.
It's kind of surreal to see Reynolds with a major role in the remake;
I wonder what it was like for him on the set, watching Sandler go through the same motions he did 30 years earlier. Ed Lauter,
who portrayed the violent head guard, Knauer, in the Reynolds film, has a welcome cameo. Rob Schneider, the only major film
comedian who's less funny than Adam Sandler, has an unwelcome one.
LOOK, UP IN THE SKY!: THE AMAZING STORY OF SUPERMAN
(2006)—Directed by Kevin Burns. Made primarily as a marketing tool to support the big-screen release of SUPERMAN
RETURNS, this 110-minute documentary is an entertaining if not terribly deep look at one of the world's most enduring fictional
heroes. I didn't learn very much that I didn't already know, but it was fun seeing all the clips and covers of Supermen past.
Just to get one big gripe out of the way, director Kevin Burns seems
to believe that Superman comic books grow on trees. Outside of Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, hardly any
of the editors, writers or artists who made the Superman comic books and strips rate a mention. Names like Curt Swan, Murphy
Anderson, Al Plastino, Wayne Boring and even Neal Adams are completely ignored, even when (beautifully recolored) panels and
covers they drew are splashed across the screen. Writers Elliott S! Maggin (who offhandedly mentions the name of Cary Bates)
and Denny O'Neil do brief on-camera bits, but none of their material relates to their specific work on the character. The
documentary makes it look almost as though Superman only exists on television, radio and movies, and comic books are just
part of the merchandising.
Also, after an initial overview of how Shuster and Siegel came up
with Superman, the creators are completely ignored. There's nothing at all about their post-Superman lives, their careers
in and outside of comics, and--especially--the shameful manner in which DC Comics and Warner Communications screwed the duo
for decades. Obviously, this documentary wouldn't exist if not for Siegel and Shuster, but it also wouldn't if not for the
talented people who toiled over the comics and kept the character going for the past 70 years. The movie also doesn't mention
that Superman comics routinely sold nearly a million copies per month on a regular basis during the so-called Silver Age.
Narrated (blandly) by Kevin Spacey, who oddly refers to himself in
the third person when mentioning his role in SUPERMAN RETURNS, LOOK, UP IN THE SKY! is a colorful and well-paced look at the
character over the decades. Burns recruited a wide variety of talking heads to discuss Superman and his impact on society
and their lives. Some of them are fans--Mark Hamill, Gene Simmons, LOST IN SPACE's Bill Mumy. Many of them are directly involved
with the Superman legend, such as actors Noel Neill, Jack Larson and Dean Cain and comic book professionals Mike Carlin, Art
Thibert and Paul Levitz. The vast reach of interview subjects and perspectives leads to some entertaining segments, and each
is punctuated by plenty of cool film clips from the Fleischer cartoons, the Columbia serials (starring Kirk Alyn as Superman),
the George Reeves TV series, LOIS & CLARK with Cain and Teri Hatcher...even the syndicated SUPERBOY series rates a mention.
The '50s series THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (with Reeves, Larson and
Neill) and the four motion pictures starring Christopher Reeve receive the lion's share of coverage, although much room is
reserved near the end for the less-interesting SMALLVILLE series and SUPERMAN RETURNS. What I really loved were the tantalizing
behind-the-scenes footage that I don't recall ever seeing before. While some of the SUPERMAN screen tests appeared on the
DVD (with name actresses like Stockard Channing and Anne Archer testing for Lois Lane), a lot of this stuff I haven't seen.
For instance, Jeff Corey (who played the heavy in SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN) acting in a test for the Reeve movie as Lex Luthor.
Even cooler are the few seconds of outtakes--in color--from SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN. Just running the silent footage by
itself would have made for a terrific Easter egg.
I also liked some of the more obscure treats, such as the clips from
the failed SUPERPUP pilot (in which midgets wearing dog costumes played the roles) and the probably-never-seen-anywhere-since
SUPERMAN musical production that aired in ABC's late-night schedule in 1975. David Wilson (who?) played Superman and Lesley
Ann Warren 0f MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE was Lois. It looks truly awful, but I'd love to see the whole thing.
The best part about LOOK, UP IN THE SKY! is that it reinforces just
how good both George Reeves and Christopher Reeve were. Though they each approached their roles differently, both were quite
remarkable and most likely are as responsible for Superman's immense popularity to this day as almost any comic-book figure
outside of Siegel and Shuster. It's obvious from watching this documentary that their indelible performances will endure long
after the phrase "Brandon who?" has vanished from our vocabulary.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING (1989)--Directed by Amy Heckerling.
Stars John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, George Segal, Olympia Dukakis and the voice of Bruce Willis. Tedious one-joke comedy about
an accountant (Alley) having an affair with a married man (Segal) who becomes pregnant. The one joke is that, when Alley has
the baby, the audience hears its thoughts, courtesy of Willis. An interesting idea and Willis has a few good one-liners, but
there just are no laughs here.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO (1990)--Directed by Amy Heckerling. Stars John
Travolta, Kirstie Alley and the voices of Bruce Willis and Roseanne Barr. Travolta and Alley, now married, have a daughter
of their own. We hear her thoughts too. Same movie as the above. The joke is sure getting old. In 1993's LOOK WHO'S TALKING
NOW, we get talking dogs!
LOOKER (1981)—Directed by Michael Crichton.
Stars Albert Finney, Susan Dey, James Coburn. Physician/novelist Crichton’s fifth film as a director is a slick
but empty thriller set within the world of television advertising. In its favor, it anticipates several concepts that
are commonplace in today’s American culture, such as constant bombardment with advertising messages everywhere you look,
Hollywood’s obsession with plastic surgery, and the use of computer generated images to replace actors on film.
It’s interesting to try to watch LOOKER from a 1981 perspective, keeping in mind Crichton’s premonitions, but
the director/screenwriter unfortunately fails to wrap a logical, absorbing story around them.
Finney, looking and acting a lot like William Shatner, is plastic
surgeon Larry Roberts, who becomes curious after three out of four models upon which he performed very specific procedures
die under mysterious circumstances. All three were also involved with a thinktank operated by a multimillion-dollar
corporation owned by oily John Reston (Coburn). When Roberts begins investigating the deaths, particularly after the
police finger him as a murder suspect, he becomes suspicious of Reston’s company and discovers sophisticated gadgetry
such as a computer that can place living actors within a filmed scene without the actors’ knowledge or consent and an
elaborate light pistol that hypnotizes its victims for hours. PARTRIDGE FAMILY ingénue Dey is the fourth model, whom
Larry tries to protect.
An empty finale that fails to give Finney, the hero, appropriate heroics
and a silly, hole-riddled script fail to capitalize on Crichton’s intriguing concepts. Both Dey and Playmate Terri
Welles supply a surprising amount of nudity for a PG feature, and good supporting actors like Leigh-Taylor Young, Terry Kiser,
Tim Rossovich, Dorian Harewood and Darryl Hickman appear, but without much gravity. Barry DeVorzon composed the dated
score. In retrospect, LOOKER obviously anticipates Crichton’s next film, RUNAWAY, another slick but loose thriller
with science fiction elements.
LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD (2006)--Directed
by Albert Brooks. Stars Albert Brooks, Sheetal Sheth, Jon Tenney, John Carroll Lynch, Fred Dalton Thompson, Penny Marshall.
If you're curious about the alleged controversial content that led Sony to shelve the movie and Warner Independent to pick
it up, let me assure you that the buzz is ridiculous. There is nothing in Brooks' movie that could be considered controversial
or politically incorrect, unless you believe that portraying people of India as full-fledged, well-rounded human beings is
a sensitive act.
Brooks, who wrote the original screenplay and directed, stars as Albert
Brooks, who leaves a humiliating interview with director Penny Marshall for the lead in a remake of HARVEY (!) and returns
home to find a registered letter from the U.S. government waiting for him. Turns out Fred Dalton Thompson (as himself) is
heading a government commission dedicated to learning more about the Muslim people by discovering what makes them laugh, and
he wants Albert to take a month in India and Pakistan, find out, and put it all in a 500-page report (it's gotta be 500 pages
to justify the expense, but, don't worry, nobody reads the reports anyway, they just weigh them).
Albert is accompanied in New Delhi by two State Department men (Jon
Tenney and John Carroll Lynch) and his Indian assistant Maya (the wonderful Sheetal Sheth). After a day of man-on-the-street
interviews ("What makes you laugh?") turns out to be fruitless, Brooks has the idea to stage a standup concert in a country
that has no standup comedy. The film's major setpiece is Brooks' routine, performed before an auditorium filled with Indians
unfamiliar with Brooks or his material. The routine bombs, as it should have. The joke is that Brooks' routine is actually
a deconstruction of American standup comedy, riffing on ventriloquist acts and supposed "improvisation". It likely would have
bombed in an American comedy club too, which doesn't mean that it isn't wildly funny.
The second half is padded, with help from Michael Giacchino's witty
score, with a dose of international intrigue, as Albert's covert late-night meeting with a group of stoned budding Pakistani
comics. Bombed on hash, they, of course, laugh their asses off at Albert's routine, and the narcissistic Brooks thinks he
killed. There's also a neat bit with Albert being offered the lead in an Al Jazeera sitcom titled THAT DARN JEW.
Filming on location in New Delhi, Brooks uses the local population
and scenery to good advantage, including one killer gag--a subtle one, but brilliantly executed--staged at the Taj Mahal.
I didn't come away from LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD with a better idea of what makes Muslims laugh (except Polish
jokes--they kill everywhere), but I know that it made me laugh.
LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR (1977)--Directed by Richard
Brooks. Stars Diane Keaton, Richard Gere, Tom Berenger, William Atherton, Richard Kiley. Keaton stars in this ponderous, overrated
drama as a Catholic schoolteacher who courts disaster by having frequent one-night-stands with men she picks up in bars. Keaton
is interesting as a morally confused woman, but the script is dull, and the climactic murder scene is too brutal. One of Gere's
earliest film appearances. Based on a novel by Judith Rossner.
THE LOOKOUT (2007)—Directed by Scott Frank.
Stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jeff Daniels, Matthew Goode, Isla Fisher. The excellent screenwriter Frank (OUT OF SIGHT)
turns to directing with this well-conceived crime thriller. Not just another caper movie, due to its rich characters
and desolate setting, THE LOOKOUT revolves around Chris Pratt (Gordon-Levitt from 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN), a brain-damaged
young man who works as the overnight janitor at a rural bank. Seduced verbally (by charismatic thug Goode) and physically
(by redhaired Fisher, who isn’t quite edgy enough for femme fatale roles), Chris, who is overwhelmed with guilt for
causing the car accident that injured him and killed his friends, is convinced to help Goode and his gang rip off the bank.
Chris’ friendship with his sardonic blind roommate (Daniels), not to mention their lives, is threatened by Chris’
involvement with the thieves. Nearly every character is interesting enough to carry his or her own picture, and the
performances by Daniels, Goode, Carla Gugino (in a too-brief bit) and especially Gordon-Levitt catapult THE LOOKOUT over the
genre’s usual standard. Shot in bleak Manitoba, THE LOOKOUT costars Bruce McGill and Alberta Watson as Chris’
parents.
LOOSE CANNONS (1990)--Directed by Bob Clark. Stars Gene Hackman, Dan Aykroyd, Dom DeLuise,
Ronny Cox, Robert Prosky. To be fair, I don't know how any film with this premise could ever have been good, no matter
who was directing it. It's certainly the worst film with a screenplay credit for the legendary science fiction author Richard
Matheson, who shares the card with his son, TV writer Richard Christian Matheson, and Clark himself, who obviously "polished"
the script. I'd be curious to see an earlier draft, because I'd be surprised if the Mathesons came up with all this nonsense
themselves.
The ridiculously labyrinthine plot concerns the effort of neo-Nazis
to retrieve a 45-year-old porno movie that shows Adolf Hitler having gay sex and then committing suicide. Von Metz (Robert
Prosky), soon to be named chancellor of West Germany, needs to prevent anyone from seeing the film, as it proves the Jewish
community's accusations that he was a Hitler ally. The reel lands in the porky hands of sex-club owner Gutterman (played with
a cane and earring by Dom DeLuise), who finds himself the target of assassins led by the psycho Grimmer (Paul Koslo).
If that isn't stupid enough, wisecracking Vice detective Mac Stern
(Gene Hackman!) is assigned to the case and given a new partner: a former mental patient named Ellis Fielding (Dan Aykroyd)
who, whenever faced with violence or stress, takes on a seemingly infinite number of new personalities, including Butch Cassidy,
Snagglepuss (!), the Roadrunner, Broderick Crawford, the Church Lady, Peewee Herman and half the cast of STAR TREK. So whenever
Ellis and Mac stumble into a gunfight or a car chase, Aykroyd breaks out his C-list of impressions and shamelessly mugs while
Hackman looks on with a pained look.
It's one of the most schizophrenic (pardon the pun) action comedies
I've ever seen, and I don't know how it got past the pitch stage, except that it was produced by Tri-Star, which made more
junk films than just about any other major Hollywood studio. To be fair to Aykroyd, he's playing an absurd character, and
I can't think of any other movie star working in 1989 who could have pulled it off any better, except maybe Robin Williams
or John Candy. Hackman, being a pro, tries, but I can't imagine what he thought he could bring to this movie. At least LOOSE
CANNONS is fun to spot character actors in, including Ronny Cox, David Alan Grier, S. Epatha Merkerson (LAW & ORDER),
Tobin Bell (SAW), Dick O'Neill and a scrumptious Nancy Travis (THREE MEN AND A BABY).
LORD OF THE FLIES
(1990)--Directed by Harry Hook. Stars Balthazar Getty, Chris Furrh, Danuel Pipoly, Badgett Dale. Strong acting and spectacular
jungle photography mark this pretty good film version of William Golding's classic novel. A group of American boys, left to
fend for themselves after being marooned on an island, evolve into a society of thoughtful pacifists and primitive savages.
Jay Presson Allen scripted using the name Sarah Schiff.
THE LORDS OF DISCIPLINE (1983)—Directed by
Franc Roddam. Stars David Keith, Robert Prosky, G.D. Spradlin, Mark Breland, Barbara Babcock, Mitchell Lichtenstein.
It’s 1964, and Will McLean (Keith) is entering his senior year at Carolina Military Institute. One of the new
freshmen is Pearce (Breland), the first black cadet in the history of the academy. Will’s mentor, Bear (Prosky),
asks the lad to keep an eye on Pearce and try to protect him from the fierce and quite frankly cruel hazing the seniors traditionally
dish out to the new fish. In so doing, Will learns about The Ten, a secret organization of cadets dedicated to torturing
boys they feel are unworthy of the school. He then becomes a target of The Ten after he rescues Pearce from a particularly
gruesome torture session that occurs at a cottage owned by none other than the school’s commander, General Durrell (Spradlin).
The subject matter and the promotion of Keith from supporting actor to leading man demonstrates that Paramount was hoping
to lure back some of that AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN audience, but LORDS is a straight thriller with no romance to get in
the way. It’s surprising that Keith didn’t become a bigger star, though he certainly has had a successful
movie career. He’s quite winning here and is ably matched by his co-stars, young and old. You’ll see
Michael Biehn (ALIENS), Judge Reinhold (BEVERLY HILLS COP), Rick Rossovich (ROXANNE) and Bill Paxton (BIG LOVE) among the
cadets. Based on a Pat Conroy novel.
THE LOSERS (1970)--Directed by Jack Starrett. Stars
William Smith, Adam Roarke, Bernie Hamilton, Paul Koslo. THE LOSERS is a film that couldn't miss, quite frankly, as
it boasts one of the greatest concepts in exploitation-film history. The U.S. Army recruits an American biker gang to break
into a Red Chinese camp in Cambodia and rescue a kidnapped CIA agent. It's basically THE DIRTY DOZEN meets MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
with profanity, nudity and gore. It's a great idea, and it would take a pretty lame filmmaker to screw it up (actually, Cirio
Santiago remade it as 'NAM ANGELS in 1989).
Jack Starrett, the director of THE LOSERS, is not a lame filmmaker,
and, in fact, he was quite good, particularly with films that had a lot of action. Made in 1969 and released in 1970, THE
LOSERS is one of the extremely few films made about the Vietnam War during the Vietnam War. Offhand, I can think of THE LOSERS
and THE GREEN BERETS, which is just about the only pro-Vietnam War film that ever has been made. THE LOSERS is definitely
not pro-war. Starrett was quite an anti-establishment personality, and many of the film's stars were well-known for performing
in biker movies and other stick-it-to-The-Man drive-in flicks.
The great William Smith stars as Link, looking totally badass with
his cutoff sleeves, bare chest and long earring. He and his Devil's Advocates are recruited because he and two other bikers
in the gang had served in Vietnam a few years earlier. Adam Roarke (DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY) is Duke, and Paul Koslo (MR. MAJESTYK)
is Limpy. Dirty Denny (the mysterious Houston Savage) and Speed (Gene Cornelius) are the other bikers, all ostensibly under
the command of Captain Jackson, played by Bernie Hamilton, who went on to play the harassed boss of Starsky and Hutch on the
hit TV series.
Screenwriter Alan Caillou had a long career acting and writing films
and television shows, but he also made quite a living as the author of quickie paperback thrillers featuring two-fisted adventurers
like Cabot Cain. Therefore, it's no surprise that he was able to concoct such a squirrely concept for a film. Of course it's
absurd, but the game cast and Starrett's solid direction makes it work. It has long been a favorite in cult-movie circles,
and picked up many new fans when Quentin Tarantino used a clip of it on a television set in PULP FICTION.
I have no problem with the film's structure, but it has been criticized
by some contemporary critics for taking too long to get to the good stuff. And it's true that the major action setpiece doesn't
come until about an hour and ten minutes into the picture. The last 25 minutes or so is full of dynamite action--explosions,
crashes, motorcycle stunts, bloody squibs--but the first two acts consist mainly of establishing the characters of the bikers.
There are some fight sequences and shooting and topless women during these scenes, but with a budget of only $275,000, Starrett
obviously had to save the best stuff for his climax.
That said, I don't think the film suffers much. Starrett's pacing
is fine, and I think it does the audience some good to get to know the characters before they go into battle. You have to
care whether they live or die, and that's what the first part of the film is all about. These bikers are very anti-Establishment
and appear on the surface to care about nothing but themselves, but after we get to see them interacting with each other and
the Vietnamese people (Starrett actually shot THE LOSERS in the Philippines), we understand that they are indeed three-dimensional
humans.
The climax, though, is THE LOSERS' bread and butter, and most of the
footage from the trailer was culled from it. It involves the bikers, armed with specially armored (and armed) trick motorcycles,
busting into the camp, riding around shooting and blowing up bad guys. Gary McLarty and Paul Nuckles are the ace stuntmen
responsible for the more outrageous stunts, and Roger George's explosions are some of the best I've seen in a low-budget movie.
As with many '70s movies, THE LOSERS ends on a cynical note, but one
that the movie has earned. Its unusual premise and top drive-in cast make it must-see viewing. It's also prime remake material.
Can't you see a contemporary biker gang going into Iraq or Afghanistan to raise a little hell and say "screw you" to Cheney
and Rummy? Music by Stu Phillips.
LOSIN’ IT (1983)--Directed by Curtis Hanson.
Stars Tom Cruise, Jackie Earle Haley, John Stockwell, John P. Navin Jr., Shelley Long. 19-year-old Cruise was still
an acting neophyte when he made this raunchy teen comedy that came out the same year as RISKY BUSINESS. Watching it,
it’s hardly possible to predict big things happening for him. Sure, he’s a good-looking kid, but kinda bland,
and he’s blown off the screen by his manic co-star Haley (THE BAD NEWS BEARS). Audiences who paid to see it expecting
another PORKY’S were probably pissed off. It’s not very pleasant, sending its fun-loving American teen heroes
off to Tijuana to be harassed by police, beaten, robbed and taken advantage of. Three older teens--Rat Packer Dave (Haley),
sensitive Woody (Cruise) and jock Spider (Stockwell)--along with Dave’s little brother Wimp (Navin), head to Tijuana
to lose their virginity, but end up in a whole pack o’ trouble. Long, who’s also good, co-stars as a frustrated
wife who tags along to get a divorce. Some choice oldies dot the soundtrack, adding a touch of the upbeat to Hanson’s
downer of a film, which was penned by B.W.L. Norton (MORE AMERICAN GRAFFITI). Henry Darrow provides some class as a
corrupt cop. Also with Rick Rossovich and Joe Spinell. Filmed in Calexico, California.
LOST (2005)--Directed by Darren Lemke. Stars
Dean Cain. LOST is a real low-budget gem that managed to eke out a short theatrical run last summer. Dean Cain
has been one of Hollywood’s busiest and most dependable leading men since rising to stardom as the Man of Steel on ABC’s
LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, sliding effortlessly between television parts and leading roles in independent
genre films. LOST is a revelation, providing Cain with one of the juiciest roles of his career to date. Indeed,
the edgy thriller is practically a one-man show.
Cain plays Jeremy Stanton, a Pasadena bank vice-president driving
alone across the Nevada desert. He has only a few hours to reach an important destination--the small, insignificant
town of Red Ridge--but his outdated road map and an outwardly stressed demeanor helps him to become lost. Only his cell
phone, which the anxious yuppie uses to soothe his wife (Irina Bjorklund) and bark at an overly cheery Road-Aid operator (Ashley
Scott), keeps him company (perhaps implausibly so, considering that the little bugger manages to consistently get a signal
out in the middle of nowhere).
Writer/director Darren Lemke teases us early on with radio news stories
about a $6.5 million California bank heist, and it’s inevitable that the crooks, including Danny Trejo, will cross Jeremy’s
path. However, Lemke deftly dangles the how’s and the why’s before us in an assured manner atypical of a
first-time director, carefully doling out plot twists that dangerously toy with our suspension of disbelief.
One reason we go along with it all--the biggest reason, really--is
Cain, who isn’t afraid of appearing unsympathetic. Lemke is a little heavy on the symbolism, making it crystal
clear to us many times over that Jeremy is not just literally lost on the highway, but has fallen off his moral path out of
desperation. It’s obvious that Jeremy is not a particularly nice guy, but Cain’s multi-faceted performance
draws us in to a point where we root for him to escape his inevitable doom.
THE LOST CONTINENT (1951)--Directed by Sam Newfield.
Stars Cesar Romero, John Hoyt, Hugh Beaumont, Whit Bissell, Sid Melton, Hillary Brooke, Acquanetta, Chick Chandler. Romero
and his stiff crew of astronauts travel to the title land to search for a missing rocket. They climb lots of rocks. Eventually
they meet the exotic Acquanetta. Then they climb more rocks. Then they see some poorly animated dinosaurs, and the whole place
blows up. Check out the cast! In one shot, you can see Beaumont break up laughing at this ridiculous movie from executive
producer Robert L. Lippert. Music by Paul Dunlap. The space scenes were lifted from ROCKETSHIP X-M.
THE LOST
CONTINENT (1968)--Directed by Michael Carreras. Stars Eric Porter, Hildegard Kief, Suzanna Leigh, Tony Buckley. Hammer
adventure about a ship filled with people who don't like each other much that becomes lost in some kind of bizarre Sargasso
Sea. There they encounter killer seaweed, giant crab monsters, sharks, and a hooded madman called "El Diablo". Marred by an
unlikable cast and an extremely low budget; the most eye-popping special effect is the low-cut chamois-leather outfit worn
by Dana Gillespie, a 17-year-old water ski champion who was hired by Hammer Films specifically because of her large breasts.
She went on to a successful recording career in the United Kingdom. Robert Mattey provided the unconvincing monster effects.
Leslie Norman was the original director, but dropped out and was replaced by Hammer exec Carreras, who also produced and scripted
using the nom de plume Michael Nash. Based upon the novel UNCHARTED SEAS by Dennis Wheatley.
THE LOST EMPIRE (1985)--Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Stars Melanie Vincz, Raven de la Croix, Angela Aames, Angus Scrimm, Paul Coufos. So this is where it all began.
The writer of such Roger Corman cheapies as SORCERESS and FORBIDDEN WORLD made his directorial debut with this funny pastiche
of genres, and nearly twenty years later, Wynorski is still at it, grinding out 3-4 DTV movies per year and even more than
that as a producer. THE LOST EMPIRE is an affectionate parody of martial-arts movies (most notably ENTER THE DRAGON),
lost-world adventures, sword & sorcery and softcore women-in-prison dramas. Despite its obvious low budget, its
special effects are ambitious and its gorgeous cast game.
Maverick cop Angel Wolfe (Vincz) is bent on revenge after her rookie
cop brother is murdered by ninjas out to swipe the Eyes of Avatar from a Chinatown jewelry store. The Eyes, as FBI agent/boyfriend
Rick (Coufos) helpfully explain, are legendary jewels that allow one who possesses them both tremendous power--enough to rule
the world. Sinister cultist Dr. Sin Do (Scrimm), who maintains his immortality by sacrificing at least one human every
24 hours, already has one of the Eyes, with the other surreptitiously tumbling into Angel's handbag. Geared up to avenge
her brother's death, Angel recruits two other top-heavy fighters, Native American Whitestar (de la Croix) and convict Heather
(Aames), to enter a martial-arts tournament on Sin Do's private island.
With tongue pressed firmly into cheek, Wynorski, who also served as
writer and producer, has whipped together one of the most fun pictures in his oeuvre (such as it is), assembling a cast of
colorful characters, plenty of action and sly comedy, and a bevy of gorgeous women (many of whom appear nude) for nearly ninety
minutes of sheer joy. Even at this stage of his career, it's clear that Wynorski was a fan of the movies that made his
former boss Roger Corman famous, and perhaps so were his lead actresses, who have a great time fighting, stripping and fighting
some more, getting a chance to play action heroines long before BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER made it fashionable. Of course,
the whole thing is quite silly, but if you're the type of person who can't find the fun in a sexy cop battling an immortal
mad scientist while a giant doomsday laser swishes out of control, then maybe you should stick with Ron Howard films.
Bald Robert Tessier, Angelique Pettyjohn, Tommy Rettig (LASSIE), Linda Shayne (SCREWBALLS), Bill Thornbury (PHANTASM), Ken
Tobey (THE THING) and Garry Goodrow join the fun. John Carpenter's frequent collaborator Alan Howarth provided the score,
and Ernest Farino (STEEL AND LACE) did the animated titles. CHOPPING MALL was next for Wynorski, who has directed nearly
fifty features in 18 years.
LOST IN ALASKA (1952)-Directed by Jean Yarbrough.
Stars Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Tom Ewell. Two volunteer firemen (Bud and Lou) prevent a gold prospector (Ewell) from
drowning himself in the drink and end up accompanying him to Alaska so he can make up with the girl who dumped him and claim
his $2 million stake. Many of the duo's routines were growing stale by this time, but Yarbrough manages to mine the
Arctic setting for laughs using gags involving dog sleds, igloos, ice fishing, etc. One classic bit has Costello winning
a fortune at roulette and then losing it all...without Lou ever realizing it! Also with Bruce Cabot, Mitzi Green, Minerva
Urecal, Joe Kirk and Iron Eyes Cody. Some of the uncredited musical score was composed by a young Henry Mancini, contracted
to Universal-International at the time.
LOST IN AMERICA (1985)--Directed by Albert Brooks.
Stars Albert Brooks, Julie Hagerty, Garry Marshall. Brooks's third go-round as star/director/co-writer is just as brilliant
as the rest of his works. This time Brooks is a yuppie ad exec who gets fired from his job in New York. He talks his wife
(Hagerty) into quitting her job; they sell their house, buy a motor home, and decide to emulate Brooks's heroes in EASY RIDER
by driving cross-country. As a performer, Brooks is an acquired taste, but I think his neurotic, whiny, self-absorbed characters
are hilarious. LOST IN AMERICA contains many truly brilliant scenes, most notably the ones with Brooks trying to talk a casino
manager (Marshall) into returning the money Hagerty lost there, and Brooks trying to find a job at a small-town employment
agency.
LOST IN SPACE (1998)--Directed by Stephen Hopkins. Stars William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Gary
Oldman, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Graham, Lacey Chabert, Jack Johnson. "Oh, the pain! The paaaaiiiinnn!" Pain, indeed, is what
fans of the classic '60s space opera may be feeling as they watch this $90 million big-screen remake. While Irwin Allen's
colorful TV series starring Guy (ZORRO) Williams and June (LASSIE) Lockhart as the heads of the Space Family Robinson who
became lost in the cosmos due to pre-launch tampering by cowardly saboteur Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris) wasn't exactly STAR
TREK, it was at least fast-moving, brightly-colored and a heckuva lot of fun for the juvenile audience for which it was made.
This spring blockbuster (the biggest ever released by New Line Cinema) seems confused about its audience; it's too dark and
confusing for children, while its video-game graphics, zippy pacing, lack of character development and animated monkeys should
turn off the majority of adult viewers.
It's hard to blame the cast though: Oscar-winner William Hurt plays
the Robinson patriarch, with Mimi Rogers as his understanding wife, Matt LeBlanc as macho pilot Major Don West and perennial
nutjob Gary Oldman walking the fence between menace and Harris swishy silliness as Dr. Zachary Smith. The film's real culprit
is its screenwriter, Akiva Goldsman, who penned the shallow scripts for flawed studio product like BATMAN & ROBIN and
two other Joel Schumacher movies based on John Grisham novels. LOST IN SPACE has no actual plot--it jumps around from set-piece
to set-piece without once stopping to think, "Gee, just what would it be like if you were stranded in outer space with your
family?"
Since it's a film made in the '90s for an audience with allegedly
'90s sensibilities (whatever those may be), Goldsman and director Hopkins have made the Robinson family slightly dysfunctional--Dad
works too much, middle daughter Penny (Chabert from TV's PARTY OF FIVE) is a brooding rebel, oldest child Judy (Graham, who
was sweet and sexy as Rollergirl in BOOGIE NIGHTS, but has no chance to showcase those traits here) spends all her time in
the science lab and none working on a social life--but almost none of it is interesting, save for a confrontation near the
climax between Hurt and his adult son Will (a role tailor-made for TV Will Bill Mumy--why oh why didn't Hopkins cast him?).
Many of the CGI effects look fake (which might be OK if they were spoofing the clunky special effects of the Allen series),
the cinematography is much too dark, and Bruce Broughton's score seems to be just going through the motions. John Williams's
original third-season score is reprised in an ear-bleeding techno version over the end credits. The new Robot is pretty cool
though. Also with Edward Fox and original cast members June Lockhart, Angela Cartwright, Marta Kristen and Mark Goddard in
cameos. From the director of THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS.
LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003)--Directed by Sofia Coppola.
Stars Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson. Coppola's second feature earned her an Academy Award for Best Screenplay, but
I found this Tokyo-lensed comedy/drama to be quite light in the scripting department. Bob Harris (Murray), an American
movie star in Japan shooting an advertising campaign for Santory whiskey, meets Charlotte (Johansson), the bored wife of a
celebrity photographer, in the bar of the hotel where they're both staying. Both are insomniac, and both are in unfulfilling
relationships with their spouses. With these commonalities, the two spend a few days together chastely, singing karaoke
and watching late-night television, knowing that they must soon return to their dull lives.
I suppose that's an overly simple way to describe what happens, but I didn't really connect
with the film or Coppola's characters at all. My main problem is that I just don't believe the characters. I don't buy
Murray as a millionaire star of Hollywood action blockbusters. I certainly don't buy Johansson, who turned 18 during the last
month of shooting, as a Yale graduate with a Philosophy degree. I didn't believe she was married. Heck, I didn't even buy
her as a smoker. I think she's miscast, and the part might have played better with a slightly older actress; I bet Claire
Danes would have been a better choice.
And, to be frank, LIT is dull. Minutes go by where I'm seeing nothing but Murray playing golf
or sitting alone on a barstool. The characters don't seem to grow very much. Coppola cops out at the end by not allowing this
couple to explore their relationship further. Both were trapped in relationships that were unfulfilling. Why not allow them
to explore each other further when they returned to L.A. (it was too coincidental that the two just happened to live in the
same American city)? Or maybe they will, but I think the impression left is that they'll never see each other again.
The Best Screenplay Oscar seems sillier than ever. Not only are the characters not particularly
interesting (the Philosophy major sure does run low on deep thoughts), but I would guess many of the most memorable scenes
were improvised on set or written by Murray. I can imagine the script: "Bob and Charlotte sing karaoke." That hardly describes
the depth of one of LIT's best scenes. Of course, I haven't read Coppola's screenplay, but neither did the Academy voters.
Some of the film certainly works. Murray is very good, but not great. His phone conversations
with his wife are wonderful. The scene of Scarlett and him watching TV all night is the best in the movie on a dramatic angle.
His adventures shooting stills and commercials are funny. But LOST IN TRANSLATION is hardly a great film. I watched it as
the second half of a double bill with JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER...and I thought William Beaudine was not much
worse a director than Sofia Coppola! At least all of JESSE JAMES is in focus, which is more than I can say for LIT.
Also with Giovanni Ribisi and Anna Faris in a blistering parody of airhead Cameron Diaz.
THE LOST TRIBE (1949)--Directed by William Berke.
Stars Johnny Weissmuller, Elena Verdugo, Joseph Vitale, Ralph Dunn. Weissmuller’s second turn as Jungle Jim for
Columbia Pictures and producer Sam Katzman is pretty good and maybe more entertaining than the previous year’s JUNGLE
JIM. “Good” in a matter of speaking, of course. In Jim’s parallel universe, anyone can walk
anyplace in the jungle in just a few hours and without any food or drink or getting tired. In fact, it’s an easy
walk from a bustling oceanside city to a fabled lost city hidden on the other side of a mountain. Jim (“Just Jim,”
Weissmuller introduces himself) tries to help when crook Calhoun (Vitale) and sailor Rawlins (Dunn) trick an innocent young
man into leading them to his home in the secret city of Dzaam, so they can steal all of its treasure. The city elder
thinks that if they offer the hoods a few diamonds, they’ll be left alone in exchange. No dice, Rawlins says (in
a scene that marks Jungle Jim as the world’s lamest negotiator), and he kidnaps Jim and the elder’s beautiful
daughter Li Wanna (Verdugo) to force them to spill the beans. Jim takes a couple of rough beatings from the human villains,
but has little problems with wildlife, as he successfully fights two sharks, a lion and a crocodile (didn’t Weissmuller
ever get tired of fighting those rubber animals?). For a hero, he does little that is heroic and mainly waits for his
dog, a crow and a bunch of angry apes to bail him out of trouble. Director Berke spent a couple of days shooting beach
scenes on a practical location, which is a nice change of pace, and the Columbia special effects department prepared some
very effective matte paintings, giving the film a more spacious look. Of course, Dzaam’s temple is the same set
as the temple used in the climax of JUNGLE JIM, so Katzman wasn’t exactly tossing money around. Also with Myrna
Dell, George J. Lewis, Nelson Leigh, Gil Perkins and more Holmes Herbert narration from JUNGLE JIM.
THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (1997)--Directed
by Steven Spielberg. Stars Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn. They're baaaaack! Those pesky dinos are running amok
on still another South Pacific island, and it's up to wisecracking scientist Ian Malcolm (Goldblum reprising this role from
the original blockbuster) to stop them. With the exception of the quirky Goldblum (have you ever read a review where he wasn't
described as quirky?), the character development is next to nil, but who cares? What you really want are scenes of mass destruction,
and that is what Spielberg provides--in spades! Climax features an angry T-Rex on the loose in San Diego--shades of Godzilla!
I happen to like this one better than the original JURASSIC PARK; it's darker, gorier, scarier and more violent--not as much
of a "kiddie" pic than I thought the first one was. Goldblum's character has a black daughter in this film, which was an interesting
touch. Also with Pete Postlethwaite, Arliss Howard, Peter Stormare and Sir Richard Attenborough. Music by John Williams.
LOVE
AND BULLETS (1979)--Directed by Stuart Rosenberg. Stars Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, Rod Steiger, Henry Silva.
Standard Bronson actioner in which Big Chuck plays an Arizona cop on assignment in Switzerland to snatch a gangsters moll
(Ireland), and escort her to the FBI to testify before she's rubbed out by Mob hitman Silva. Bronson turns in his typically
solid performance, there's a great cast of character actors, the Swiss scenery is nice, and the action scenes are generally
well crafted, but there aren't enough of them, and Ireland's terrible Southern accent becomes pretty annoying after a while.
John Huston reportedly directed some of this, but I don't know how much footage is his, if any. Also with Bradford Dillman,
Paul Koslo, Val Avery, Michael V. Gazzo, Sam Chew Jr., Billy Gray, Joseph Roman, Andy Romano, Albert Salmi, Robin Clarke and
Strother Martin. Music by Lalo Schifrin. Co-scripter Wendell Mayes also penned Bronson's DEATH WISH.
LOVE
AT FIRST BITE (1979)--Directed by Stan Dragoti. Stars George Hamilton, Susan St. James, Richard Benjamin, Arte Johnson,
Dick Shawn. Hamilton gives a surprisingly funny performance as Count Dracula, who is evicted from his Transylvanian castle,
moves with his assistant Renfield (Johnson) to New York, and falls in love with a fashion model (St. James of TV's MCMILLAN
AND WIFE). Script has a few good one-liners, but most pleasure comes from watching the actors; Benjamin is terrific as the
fearless vampire killer and Hamilton seems to be having a good time spoofing himself. From the director of MR. MOM.
THE
LOVE BUG (1969)--Directed by Robert Stevenson. Stars Dean Jones, Michele Lee, Buddy Hackett. First of four theatrical
Disney flicks about Herbie the racing Volkswagon with a mind of its own is fun for kids. Jones is racecar driver Jim Douglas,
who finds love with Lee, comic relief with Buddy and a new rascally pal in Herbie. Also with Joe Flynn, Joe E. Ross and David
Tomlinson. Bruce Campbell starred in an amusing made-for-TV remake in 1997 (which featured a cameo by Jones as Jim Douglas).
LOVE CAMP 7 (1969)—Directed by Lee Frost.
Stars Bob Cresse, Maria Lease, Kathy Williams, John Alderman, Bruce Kimball. Sexploitation and Nazisploitation—two
genres I’m not particularly fond of—combine in this bizarre sleazefest written and produced by Bob Cresse, who
made a pretty good living in the softcore arena. His performance as a Nazi prison camp commandant is the best thing
about this grade-C cheapie, which couldn’t have looked grimier if it had actually been shot in a German prison.
Two American WACs (Williams and Lease) volunteer to go undercover in a Nazi prison camp for women to rescue a scientist with
a revolutionary formula for rocket fuel locked inside her brain. Sure, they do, considering they already know going
in that the purpose of the camp is to procure Jewish sex slaves for the German top brass who stop in for R&R. It
takes a more patriotic person than I to volunteer to be gang-raped multiple times to save America from its enemies.
The actresses go full frontal, but the men keep their pants on during sex, which looks kinda gross and not erotic at all,
as directed by Frost. It’s hard to believe that guys went to movies like this to be titillated. Frost and
his associate producer Wes Bishop soon graduated from greasy sex films to mainstream exploitation like THE THING WITH TWO
HEADS and RACE WITH THE DEVIL.
LOVE POTION NUMBER 9 (1992)--Directed by Dale Launer.
Stars Tate Donovan, Sandra Bullock, Dale Midkiff, Anne Bancroft, Mary Mara. This amusing but fluffy comedy will mostly be
remembered as Bullock's first major movie lead. She plays a geeky scientist who falls for nerdy Donovan, and goes to a gypsy
(Bancroft in a cameo) for a love potion that will cause him to fall in love with her. Directed, scripted and produced by the
writer of DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS and MY COUSIN VINNY.
LOVE SCENES (1983)--Directed by Bud Townsend.
Stars Franc Luz, Tiffany Bolling, Monique Gabrielle. The two sexy blond leads spend a lot of their screen time naked in this
silly softcore sex movie about the making of a silly softcore sex movie. Some recognizable names put in appearances like Julie
Newmar, Jack Carter and Britt Ekland. From the director of NIGHTMARE IN WAX.
LOW BLOW (1986)--Directed by Frank Harris.
Stars Leo Fong, Cameron Mitchell, Troy Donahue, Akosua Busia. Perhaps the high point of the shortlived Fongsploitation
craze (yes, I'm being sarcastic), LOW BLOW is a crude, intermittently entertaining action film starring the charisma-challenged
Chinese actor as Joe Wong, a stereotypically broke private investigator with a pretty secretary and creditors on his back.
In need of quick cash, Wong is hired by millionaire Templeton (Donahue) to rescue his daughter, a victim of blind cultist
Yarakunda (Mitchell) and his beautiful partner Karma (Busia). Unlike his previous collaboration with Harris, KILLPOINT,
Fong seems to be aware of his limitations as an actor and has a good time sleepwalking through the wisecracks and P.I. clichés
awash in his screenplay (he produced it too). The story barely holds together, and Harris' attempts at creating exciting
action fizzle. Some of it is funny, though, and the closing shot is amusing. Also with Stack Pierce and Billy
Blanks. The real standout is the stunning Busia, a Ghanan model who later married director John Singleton (SHAFT).
LT.
ROBIN CRUSOE, U.S.N. (1966)--Directed by Byron Paul. Stars Dick Van Dyke, Nancy Kwan, Akim Tamiroff. Van Dyke has
some good slapstick bits in this Walt Disney ROBINSON CRUSOE update as a Navy pilot who is stranded on a desert island with
beautiful native girl Wednesday (Kwan) and a chimpanzee. For kids and Van Dyke fans.
LUCK OF THE DRAW (2000)—Directed by Luca
Bervovici. Stars James Marshall, Michael Madsen, Ice-T, Dennis Hopper, William Forsythe, Eric Roberts, Frank Gorshin,
Wendy Benson. I suppose a cast like this demands some attention, whether the film is actually any good or not.
It isn’t really, though it does have a sense of humor about itself, as well as an interesting story turn or two.
Ex-con Jack Sweeney (Marshall), whose prison record prevents him from getting a straight job, stumbles onto a briefcase of
counterfeit plates during a shootout between mobsters and the FBI. He and his pal Zippo (Madsen), who lives in a mansion
filled with random nude women who hang out at the pool, set up a deal to sell the plates to bad guy McNeely (Ice-T).
Meanwhile, hoods working for mobster Ponti (Hopper) and FBI agent Fenton (Forsythe) are tearing the city apart looking for
those plates…and the head of whomever’s holding them. Typical Tarantino-influenced DTV stuff, but the actors,
recognizing the silliness of it, are having a good time, particularly Roberts as one of Hopper’s gunsels. Also
with Patrick Kilpatrick as an Irish hitman, Sasha Mitchell, Richard Ruccolo and stunt coordinator Spiro Razatos.
LUCKY THE INSCRUTABLE (1967)—Directed
by Jesus Franco. Stars Ray Danton, Barbara Bold, Rosalba Neri. Danton, who usually played heavies in America, is adventurer
Lucky the Inscrutable in this chaotic Spanish/Italian spy spoof directed by the indefatigable Franco. Danton is unfortunately
dubbed by another actor, but handles the light tone very well, and Bruno Nicolai’s great anything-goes scat-singing
score captures the mood perfectly. Lucky, a master of disguise first seen wearing a superhero costume with a big L on his
chest, encounters better than a gag per minute while tracking counterfeiters in Albania. Franco’s direction is too heavy-handed
to get as many laughs as he wants, but with so many jokes, obviously some of them stick to the wall. James Bond’s influence
on LUCKY is obvious, but I’d say Franco had an even bigger love of comic books. A hotel clerk is even seen reading a
Gold Key KORAK, SON OF TARZAN in a scene. Rosalba Neri (LADY FRANKENSTEIN) pops up as a whip-slinging general. After spending
a few years in Europe making spy flicks and adventures, Danton returned to Hollywood to guest star in more westerns and cop
shows. Seeing what he does in LUCKY, I suspect Danton could have been very effective in lighter roles than the hoods and gangsters
he usually played.
LUNARCOP--See SOLAR FORCE.
LUNATICS:
A LOVE STORY (1990)--Directed by Josh Becker. Stars Ted Raimi, Deborah Foreman. Raimi is a nut who wraps himself
in tin foil, locks himself in his apartment, and has weird hallucinations. Somehow he gets cute blonde Foreman to fall in
love with him. Features some crazy animation, special effects and dream sequences. Bruce Campbell (who also was a producer)
appears several times. Produced by Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert. Filmed in Michigan. Becker later directed some HERCULES and
XENA episodes for Raimi and Tapert, and made a black-and-white feature starring Campbell in 1996 called RUNNING TIME.
LUNCH
WAGON (1981)--Directed by Ernest Pintoff. Stars Pamela Jean Bryant, Rosanne Katon, Candy Moore, Rick Podell,
Chuck McCann. Three sexy young women--blonde Marcy (Bryant), black Shannon (Katon) and bodybuilder Deidre (Moore)--operate
a hot pink lunch wagon that they park next to a construction site. Their main competition is an on-wheels deli run by
the villainous Schmeckler (Podell), whose plan to rob a nearby supply house of gold and silver dental fillings (!) is contingent
upon getting rid of the girls. A pair of bumbling diamond thieves led by The Turtle (McCann) also fit into the picture
somehow. The girls, all played by former Playboy playmates, spend most of the movie topless or dressed in lingerie,
tight T-shirts or sexy gowns, which should keep you from nodding off. The slapstick isn’t especially funny, but
the cast seems to be having a pretty good time, and Pintoff’s direction is energetic if not particularly clever.
Also with too damn many Van Pattens (Nels, James and an uncredited Dick), Rose Marie, Michael Tucci, Louisa Moritz (who also
goes topless), Biff Manard as a wino, George Memmoli as the girls’ fat slob peeping Tom ex-boss, Memmoli’s old
Ace Trucking Company comrade Michael Mislove as obnoxious DJ Danny Death and Anthony Charnota. Music by Richard Band.
You may have seen this theatrically as LUNCH WAGON GIRLS or COME ‘N’ GET IT. Pintoff was an Oscar-winning
animator whose credits were mostly on TV crime shows.
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