LI’L ABNER (1966)—Directed by Coby Ruskin.  Stars Sammy Jackson, Judy Canova, Jerry Lester, Jeannine Riley, Robert Reed.  Al Capp, who created the LI’L ABNER comic strip n 1934, wrote the teleplay for this NBC pilot produced by United Artists.  The 30-minute sitcom, shot with a single camera on a soundstage at Paramount Studios, was not picked up, but reportedly received a one-time airing in 1967.  LI’L ABNER had been popular as a musical on Broadway and in movie theaters (with different casts), but was never successful on television.

Jackson, who had recently starred in a sitcom based on NO TIME FOR SERGEANTS, plays the matrimony-shy Abner, still (stupidly) dodging the kisses and hugs of super-stacked Daisy Mae (Riley).  While she and Mammy Yokum (Canova) conspire to trick Abner into marriage, competition arrives in Dogpatch in the form of a rich city slicker, played by future BRADY BUNCH dad Reed.  Capp’s oddball script finds Pappy Yokum (Lester) attempting to outsmart Mammy’s wedding plans by locking Abner inside a time capsule that won’t open until 2966!

Performances are appropriately broad under Ruskin’s sure direction.  Old pro Lester and Canova’s mugging earns whatever laughs can be squeezed out of this hoary premise, and the show grows slack when the younger performers take center stage.  Besides Riley’s low-cut costume, LI’L ABNER’s most interesting aspect is “Special Guest” Reed, who probably enjoyed the change of pace from the heavy dramatics of THE DEFENDERS, the social drama on which he co-starred with E.G. Marshall from 1961 to 1965.  Also with Larry D. Mann as Marryin’ Sam and the voice of Paul Frees.  Howard Leeds, later to work with Reed on THE BRADY BUNCH, was the producer.

THE LIMEY (1999)--Directed by Steven Soderburgh. Stars Terence Stamp, Peter Fonda, Barry Newman, Lesley Ann Warren, Luis Guzman. If Oscars were awarded for casting, Soderburgh and his casting director Debra Zane would definitely be up for consideration. For their leads in a taut little revenge thriller in which time jumps back and forth according to the directors whim, they have selected Terence Stamp and Peter Fonda, two of the '60s most influential and charismatic icons. Both turn in strong performances in THE LIMEY in roles that reverberate their most memorable performances: Fonda's brooding Captain America of EASY RIDER could easily have become high-living, drug-dealing record exec Terry Valentine, while Soderburgh uses actual clips of Stamp in 1967's POOR COW (with Julie Christie in which Stamp played a thief named Wilson) to illustrate that character's flashbacks.

The plot, devised by Lem Dobbs (who worked with Soderburgh on KAFKA), could have been ripped from almost any old detective novel: Wilson (Stamp), a thief just released from an English prison, travels to Los Angeles to investigate the death of his daughter Jenny, who perished in a fiery car crash which may or may not have been staged to conceal a murder. Wilson's chief suspect is Jenny's boyfriend, fast-talking hipster Valentine (Fonda), who's now living with his new girlfriend, a beautiful young woman named Adhara ("You can never go wrong naming yourself after a constellation," Valentine says) who is the same age as Jenny. Wilson's quest is very simple: kill Valentine. He receives help from two of Jenny's friends: likable Latin Eddie (Guzman) and lonely acting coach Elaine (Warren), with whom Wilson has a relationship, but--refreshingly--not a sexual one. Another sweet piece of casting is Newman as Valentine's security chief Avery; Newman played Kowalski, the existential auto racer of the 1971 counterculture classic VANISHING POINT, and his presence solidifies the iconic zeitgeist so central to Soderburgh's vision. The cast of old pros, which also includes Andy Warhol regular Joe Dallesandro, does a wonderful job, expressing the right amounts of weariness and ambition. Stamp plays Wilson as a single-minded man so tightly wound, it appears he may burst (which, in fact, he does on a few occasions). It's one of his best performances, blending dollops of ironic humor with sorrow in missing out on his daughters childhood and an unfamiliarity with modern society (he mistakes valets at a swanky party for security guards).

THE LIMEY's main weakness, surprisingly, is Soderburgh's overly flowery direction. In OUT OF SIGHT (which I thought was one of that year's best pictures), Soderburgh presented one of the best love scenes I've ever seen, in which the verbal foreplay between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez was relayed in voiceover as we saw the characters prepare for bed. Unfortunately, Soderburgh recycles the gimmick here. In fact, he uses so many flash-forwards and time distortions that what was an effective storytelling device in the previous film becomes just another annoying look-at-me way of drawing attention to the filmmaker, rather than to the story itself. Soderburgh should have had more confidence in his material, because it's a tasty piece of crime fiction that Brett Halliday or Raymond Chandler would have been proud of. However, Soderburgh does draw some terrific performances from his cast, the pacing is brisk, and his handling of the action scenes is quite clever, especially in the scene (which draws a laugh from the audience) in which Wilson dispatches one of Valentine's bodyguards during a posh mountainside party.

Also with Amelia Heinle (an actress who so strongly resembles Denise Richards that they could be sisters) as Adhara, Nicky Katt (who has some of the movie's funniest lines) as a greasy hitman, William Lucking, Matthew Kimbrough and Melissa George (an Australian actress well-known for her stint on a soap opera there) as Jenny. Cliff Martinez's score is fine, and it's bolstered by clever use of The Who's rocker "The Seeker", written by Pete Townshend.

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT (1975)--Directed by Claudio Guzman.  Stars Linda Lovelace.  I wonder how many MONKEES fans have seen this softcore comedy.  It plays much like a typical MONKEES romp, and Micky Dolenz co-stars as a bus driver named Fenwick.  The DEEP THROAT star, now married to producer/choreographer (and former MONKEES director) David Winters, attempted to jumpstart a mainstream acting career with this chaotic, politically incorrect sex comedy that co-stars a lot of hack comedy character actors.  A bunch of out-there radicals--including a Chinese launderer (Joey Forman), a jive black dude, a priest (Val Bisoglio), a homosexual (Danny Goldman) and a Nazi (Garry Goodrow)--try to run Linda for President and organize a cross-country roadtrip to round up funds and votes.  The result is a plotless exercise in hard-R sex scenes, stupid jokes, racial and ethnic humor that would never fly in today’s world, a talking monkey, full-frontal nudity by JFK impersonator Vaughn Meader, Chuck McCann in two roles as a bigoted mayor and an outrageously stereotyped Italian assassin, and roles for Louis Quinn (77 SUNSET STRIP), Joe E. Ross (CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?), Marty Ingels, Jack DeLeon, Scatman Crothers, Morgan Upton as the pedophile Vice President and Robbie Lee from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS.  Guzman directed a lot of sitcoms and this feature for Arthur Marks’ General Film Corporation.  PRESIDENT did nothing for Lovelace’s acting career, and she soon after became a vocal anti-porn crusader.  She died after a 2002 car crash.

THE LINEUP (1958)--Directed by Don Siegel.  Stars Eli Wallach, Robert Keith, Warner Anderson, Emile Meyer.  A taxicab pulls up to a dock filled with passengers disembarking from a cruise ship.  A porter grabs a suitcase, tosses it into the cab's open window, and beats feet.  The cab screams away from the curb and smashes into a tractor-trailer.  As the confused truck driver and dozens of witnesses look on, the cab backs away and tears off again down the street, where a lone police officer stands in wait.  The cab clips the cop, who manages to fire off a single shot before dying.  The bullet crashes through the taxi's rear window and buries itself in the driver's back, causing the car to once again smash up.  Yep, it's another taut action thriller directed by Don Siegel, who made this type of film about as well as anyone else.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987)--Directed by John Glen. Stars Timothy Dalton, Maryam D'Abo, Joe Don Baker, John Rhys-Davies, Jeroen Krabbe. Dalton's first of two efforts as Ian Fleming's famous British agent James Bond. 007 is sent to rescue a Russian defector (Krabbe), and uncovers a Soviet plot to buy hi-tech weapons from an American arms dealer (Baker). Dalton is really very good as Bond; he's tough, suave and rugged--in fact, the closest any actor has been to Fleming's description of 007 in the novels. Dalton does seem to take things a bit too seriously though. D'Abo is bland as a Czech cellist, but Baker and Krabbe are serviceable villains (Baker returned to the Bond fold as CIA liaison Jack Wade in Pierce Brosnans first two movies). In the first post-AIDS Bond film, 007 sleeps with just one woman (D'Abo). The screenplay by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson is thankfully heavy on plot and easy on the gadgetry; however, Bond's gimmick-laden Aston-Martin is a major gas. Set pieces include Bond riding down the side of a snowy mountain on a cello case and a stunning fight while hanging out of a transport plane. Also with Art Malik, Caroline Bliss and Desmond Llewellyn as Q. Music by John Barry. Theme performed by a-ha. Filmed in Austria, Morocco, Gibraltar, Italy, the United States and England. From the director of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE (2003)--Directed by Jim Fall.  Stars Hilary Duff, Adam Lamberg, Yani Gellman, Alex Borstein, Ashlie Brillault, Robert Carradine, Hallie Todd, Jake Thomas.  Following in the footsteps of such cinematic landmines as MCHALE'S NAVY JOINS THE AIR FORCE and THE NUDE BOMB comes THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE, a feature-film version of a situation comedy that has aired on the Disney Channel since January 2001.  For those of you who are not 13-year-old girls or parents of such and doubtlessly have little familiarity with the show, Lizzie is a typical Southern California junior high school student, interested in makeup and boys and pop music and malls and surrounded by a pair of loving though befuddled parents (Robert Carradine and Hallie Todd), a mischievous little brother (Jake Thomas) and her best pal Gordo (Adam Lamberg), a boy in her class who clearly like-likes Lizzie as more than a friend.  Perhaps the show's most ingratiating quality is its habit of illustrating Lizzie's teenage insecurity with an animated version that frequently punctuates the action to let us know what she's thinking.

Admittedly, this 1952 crime drama never lives up to its stylish and definitely attention-grabbing prologue, but it's still an interesting little picture. Screen legend George Raft (SCARFACE) toplines as Joe Gargan, a tough but decent guy just out from serving nearly three years in prison for beating a guy up in a fight. Temporarily shacked up in his "kid sister's" house (Raft is thirty years older--and looks it--than the actress playing his sister), he is offered a job at the tire plant where his brother-in-law Ed (Bill Phipps) works, but turns it down when the boss asks him to investigate a loan sharking conspiracy that's draining the employees of their paychecks. Joe changes his mind, however, when Ed is murdered after attempting to gather evidence against the loan sharks. Undercover, Joe ingratiates himself with the leader, Phillips (John Hoyt), and is invited to join the organization as a collector, where he works from inside to discover the identity of both Phillips' boss and the tire plant employee who killed Ed.

LOAN SHARK is hardly credible--the police are completely unaware of Joe's investigation, which is completely run by the tire plant boss, the most generous ever. Meanwhile, Raft is clearly, at almost sixty, too old for the role, yet his professionalism and the fine cast recruited by journeyman director Seymour Friedman make the story feel somewhat real. Busy TV guest star Paul Stewart plays Phillips' #1 gunsel--a role he would portray in a zillion television episodes--and future "Professor" Russell Johnson has a decent part as the killer. LOAN SHARK runs only 74 minutes, so there isn't time for it to grow old, and location shooting at a real Goodyear plant adds verisimilitude. In fact, the scenes showing how tires are (were) made are some of the coolest in the movie!

THE LOCH NESS HORROR (1981)—Directed by Larry Buchanan. Stars Sandy Kenyon, Miki McKenzie, Barry Buchanan, Stuart Lancaster. How do I know this is a Larry Buchanan movie? It opens with credits playing over hacky bagpipe music. Then a guy looks out his window at a Nazi plane, as the view through his telescope impossibly soars over and around the plane. Cut to the silliest, fakest-looking dinosaur puppet since THE MIGHTY GORGA. Yep, we’re in Buchananland, all right. Tom Valentine, Peter Chesney, and Image Engineering were proud enough of their work on this film to take prominent special effects credit, although if there were ever an Alan Smithee substitute, this would have been the time for it.

Amid pro-oil proselytizing, unconvincing Scottish accents, and wretched dialogue, Nessie rears her green plastic head out of Lake Tahoe Loch Ness, shoots smoke out of its expressionless face, and chomps on boaters. Even better, Buchanan makes Nessie an amphibian, so she can roam around on land eating people too. There’s also a boring subplot involving a government conspiracy and the downed Nazi plane from the prologue.

The director leaves no Scottish cliché unturned in this inept monster tale that casts familiar character actor Kenyon as Dr. Sanderson, the “most famous marine biologist in the whole United Kingdom.” Kenyon later played the murderer (!) of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, and Janis Joplin in Buchanan’s BEYOND THE DOORS. THE LOCH NESS HORROR is not so-bad-it’s-good nor is it, obviously, so-good-it’s-good. It’s just bad. Well, it’s a Buchanan film, right?

LOCK UP (1989)--Directed by John Flynn.  Stars Sylvester Stallone, Donald Sutherland, John Amos, Tom Sizemore.  LOCK UP may be the least believable film of Sylvester Stallone's career, as hard as it may be to believe.  He's the world's nicest criminal, a guy who was sent away for beating up the neighborhood bully.  With just six months to go on his sentence, he's abducted from his country-club prison and deposited in a hellhole commanded by warden Donald Sutherland. Stallone is the only inmate to ever escape from Sutherland's prison, and Don wants revenge.  LOCK UP is probably the only prison picture with a buoyant musical montage (to The Ides of March's "Vehicle"), but it's also a pretty decent picture.  Stallone was facing much critical backlash at this point in his career, and it’s possible this action picture may have been a bigger hit if made a few years earlier.  Also with Frank McRae, Sonny Landham, Danny Trejo and Darlanne Fluegel.  Music by Bill Conti.

LOCKDOWN (1990)--Directed by Frank Harris.  Stars Richard Lynch, Chris DeRose, Chuck Jeffreys.  DeRose is like a less animated Ken Wahl, if you can believe it, but Lynch turns in a typically colorful villainous performance as a car thief who frames cop DeRose for a murder.  While DeRose mopes around the federal pen, dodging assassination attempts by the cousin of the man he allegedly killed (who also happens to be the leader of Lynch's chop-shop gang), his partner (Jeffreys) noses around on the outside to find evidence that will exonerate him.  Harris can't decide whether to make DeRose or Lynch his lead character, even though Lynch is much more interesting to watch.  He does, however, take full advantage of Jeffreys' uncanny vocal and physical resemblance to Eddie Murphy.  This is a pretty routine prison picture that's not above opening some convenient plot holes to paint its way out of a corner.  Harris' direction is as bland as DeRose's performance.  Believe it or not, DeRose once competed on BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS as a cast member of THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS!  Jeffreys, who shows off some nice martial arts skills, works as a stunt coordinator today (BLADE: TRINITY).  Also with Joe Estevez, Elizabeth Kaitan and Elizabeth Rowin.  Music by Bob Mamet.  From the director of KILLPOINT, who also served as his own cinematographer.  Filmed in San Jose, California.

LOCUSTS (2005)--Directed by David Jackson.  Stars Lucy Lawless, John Heard, Mike Farrell, Dylan Neal.  CBS, which scored big with SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK a month earlier, aired LOCUSTS, which stars Lawless (XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS) as the U.S. Undersecretary of Agriculture (!) who fires her former mentor (Heard of C.H.U.D.) after she discovers his secret experiments to create a "bio-engineered superlocust".  He claims the same science can be used to cure children with cancer, but Xena's not having any of it and orders the superlocusts destroyed.  Some get away, though--one of the military flamethrower guys steals some of them and accidentally knocks a couple into the sink drain, then at an Air Force base, a Jeep driver is hit in the eye with a flying insect, which causes him to swerve out of control, knocking the briefcase carrying the other locusts out of the Jeep, where it is run over by a following Jeep, which causes the rest of the kidnapped locusts to escape.  Yep, it's that kind of movie.  Farrell (M*A*S*H) plays Xena's father, a simple Indiana farmer, who somehow managed to spawn a daughter with a New Zealand accent, and Neal (HYPERION BAY) is her wimpy husband, who whines about Lucy not making enough time for him.  The teleplay by Doug Prochilo and the visual effects are the pits, and since locusts really aren't terribly dangerous to humans, the body count and terror factor are too low to work up much suspense.  As two hours of TV silliness, LOCUSTS is mildly diverting, but I liked the over-the-top cheese of SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK better.

THE LODGER (2009)—Directed by David Ondaatje. Stars Simon Baker, Hope Davis, Alfred Molina, Shane West, Rachael Leigh Cook. First-time director Ondaatje takes on Marie Belloc Lowndes’ 1913 novel, which has been filmed officially and unofficially many times since, most notably Alfred Hitchcock’s 1927 silent thriller. Sleepy performances and unimaginative storytelling make this version less diverting than a typical TV cop show with superficiality substituting for style. The most frustrating thing about THE LODGER is that, after it’s over, you still won’t know who the killer is, since Ondaatje couldn’t resist throwing in a coda that contradicts everything. Fragile housewife Ellen Bunting (Davis) rents out her guest house to a handsome writer named Malcolm (THE MENTALIST star Davis), who may be the serial killer slicing up prostitutes in West Hollywood. Molina (FRIDA) plays Chandler Manning, the angry homicide detective with a rookie partner (West) and an estranged daughter (Cook). Also with Mel Harris, Philip Baker Hall, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Donal Logue. Music by John Frizzell.

LOGAN'S RUN (1976)--Directed by Michael Anderson. Stars Michael York, Richard Jordan, Jenny Agutter, Roscoe Lee Browne, Peter Ustinov. MGM released this mega-budgeted science-fiction movie to generally poor reviews and box-office in 1976, the year before STAR WARS changed the face of sci-fi forever. In the 23rd century, Earth's population lives peaceful and hedonistic lives within domed cities, free from crime and disease. The downside is that life ends at age 30, when, on Lastday, citizens take part in Carousel, in which lucky participants are reportedly renewed through reincarnation. Some refuse to report for Carousel, and are called runners; they attempt to flee, and are pursued by an elite band of policemen called Sandmen.

Logan 5 (York) and Francis 6 (Jordan) are two such Sandmen, best friends who take pleasure in gunning down runners. Logan becomes curious about a strange ankh he removes from the body of one runner, and he later meets a beautiful young woman named Jessica (Agutter), who wears an identical ankh around her neck. When his next assignment involves a trip outside the dome to track down over 1000 runners that are unaccounted for, Logan becomes suspicious about Carousel, and teams up with Jessica to escape the city and find Sanctuary, a fabled paradise where runners are able to grow old peacefully. Pursued by an obsessive Francis, Logan and Jessica escape the city through a series of ice caves, where they are menaced by a shiny silver robot called Box (Browne), and wind up in a post-apocalyptic Washington, D.C., where they meet a kindly old T.S. Eliot-quoting man played by Ustinov.

Besides the expensive-looking sets and skimpy costumes on the ladies, there isn't much to recommend about LOGAN'S RUN. The Oscar-winning visual effects involve obvious miniatures, matte paintings and process shots that can most politely be described today as unconvincing. No attempt was made by Anderson or costume designer Bill Thomas to disguise the blatantly '70s fashions and hairstyles, David Zelag Goodman's (EYES OF LAURA MARS, STRAW DOGS) screenplay is pretty confusing at times, and Anderson (DOC SAVAGE) merely plods along from one setpiece to the next without infusing much excitement into them. The performances range from intense (Jordan, who's mostly wasted) to sleepy (York) to vapid (Agutter) to distractingly hammy (Ustinov, who appears to be auditioning for the role of Boss Hogg). On the plus side are Jerry Goldsmith's part-electronic-part-orchestral musical score and a surprising amount of nudity (including Agutter) for a PG movie.

Also with Farrah Fawcett-Majors (just before CHARLIE'S ANGELS shot her to superstardom), Michael Anderson Jr. (THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER), Lara Lindsay and Gary Morgan. The futuristic-looking sets were actually a Dallas, Texas mall. Goodman based his screenplay upon a novel by SF vets William F. Nolan and George Clayton Johnson, which was also spun off into a short-lived television series.

LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (1993)--Directed by Robert Butler. Stars Dean Cain, Teri Hatcher, John Shea. Feature-length pilot to the ABC-TV series introduced Cain as a sexier Superman and Hatcher as a stronger Lois Lane, who nonetheless needed saving many times over in the pilot and in the episodes that followed. Shea became one of the great villains in TV history with his portrayal of evil millionaire Lex Luthor, who tries to destroy both the space shuttle and the mysterious superhero with the red cape that is standing between him and world domination. The show did an admirable job at balancing romantic comedy and adventure/fantasy, but after three successful seasons, new (inferior) writers and producers came in and demolished whatever quality the series had to that point. LOIS & CLARK had become so bad that ABC buried it in a Saturday time slot, then bought out its previous commitment for a fifth season. The pilot featured Lane Smith as Daily Planet editor Perry White, Michael Landes as Jimmy Olsen, Tracy Scoggins, Elizabeth Barondes, Tony Jay and Kim Johnston-Ulrich. Teleplay by the show's executive producer Deborah Joy Levine. The beautiful Hatcher became one of TV's most photographed women, and was reportedly the most downloaded actress on the Internet. Butler was a veteran director of many TV pilots, including STAR TREK and HILL STREET BLUES.

LOLA COLT (1967)—Directed by Siro Marcellini. Stars Lola Falana, Peter Martell, German Cobos. There are few movie concepts less likely than a dusty Italian western starring glamorous Las Vegas entertainer Lola Falana. She was only about 24 years old when she starred in this gimmick flick that played the bottom of U.S. double bills with the Burt Reynolds programmer SHARK. By that time, however, it was 1976—a full decade after the darned thing was made—and distributor Hallmark/Newport was taking a last stab at capturing fumes of the waning blaxploitation genre by retitling the film BLACK TIGRESS.

Lola plays Lola, one of four showgirls stranded in Santa Ana when one of them falls ill. She sings for her supper in skimpy outfits, slinking and shimmering across a saloon stage and singing to an invisible orchestra blaring Vegas-style showtunes in a style that wouldn’t be invented for another century. Santa Ana is run roughshod by a villain in black named El Diablo (Cobos), and only Lola and med student Rod (Martell) are bad enough to stand up to him.

I wonder what American audiences would have thought of seeing a beautiful black woman playing cowboy and kissing and killing white men at a time when blacks and whites were just beginning to drink from the same water fountains in all fifty states. It’s like Lester Maddox’s worst nightmares. Maybe that’s why it didn’t play U.S. drive-ins at the time—it was too far ahead of its time in that regard.

LOLA COLT is a crude and clunky exercise that certainly takes advantage of Falana’s immense physical charms (what legs!), but mostly wastes them with an unimaginative script and direction. Falana appeared more than fifty times on THE TONIGHT SHOW. I wonder if she and Johnny ever talked about LOLA COLT.

LONE HERO (2002)--Directed by Ken Sanzel.  Stars Sean Patrick Flanery, Lou Diamond Phillips, Robert Forster.  Phillips gets top billing in this not-bad DTV thriller as Bart, the evil leader of a biker gang who sticks up a tavern in a small Montana town and is "arrested" by citizen John (Flanery), a college-age youth working in a Wild West show at a local tourist trap.  Bart swears revenge against John and the whole town of Profit after his swift escape from the local yokel cops.  The townspeople become virtual prisoners of Bart's entire gang, leaving it up to John and his grizzled co-worker Gus (Forster) to keep the peace.  Sanzel brings a welcome light touch to his script that's nicely played by the leads.  You probably never rented this movie because the video box consists solely of a photo of a longhaired Lou Diamond, but it's a pleasant trifle with enough gunplay and chases to keep you awake.  Forster steals the show as usual.  Also with Mark Metcalf and Tanya Allen.  Filmed in Canada.

THE LONE RANGER (1956)--Directed by Stuart Heisler. Stars Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels, Lyle Bettger. After 200 or so TV shows, the Lone Ranger and Tonto came to the big screen in their first color feature. The characters (which were created for a radio program in 1933 by Fran Striker) had also been the subjects of a '30s serial released by Republic Pictures. Moore, who played the masked man on television from 1949 to 1957 (except for a brief period when he was replaced by John Hart), was still making public appearances in costume in the 1990s. When THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER was released in 1981 with unknown Klinton Spilsbury as the titular hero, Moore was forced to stop wearing the Ranger's mask in public under penalty of copyright law. He got around that ruling by substituting big sunglasses for the mask. Silverheels died in 1984. In this movie, the masked man and Tonto try to prevent war between ranchers and Indians. Also with Robert Wilke, Michael Ansara, Beverly Washburn, Perry Lopez and William Schallert. Music by David Buttolph includes "The William Tell Overture" (of course), and is very reminiscent of his MAVERICK theme of a year later.

THE LONE RANGER AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD (1958)--Directed by Lesley Selander. Stars Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels, Douglas Kennedy. United Artists released this second feature (see 1956's THE LONE RANGER) based on the long-running TV show starring Moore and Silverheels. Fans of the series will find something to like here. It has a pulpy plot (hooded raiders murdering owners of a mysterious medallion that, when all five pieces are joined together, forms a map to a legendary hidden city made of gold discovered by Spanish conquistadors hundreds of years earlier), the masked man dons one of his patented disguises to pump a femme fatale for information, Tonto goes into town and gets beaten up, and, of course, lots of bang-bang action. And it's in bright Technicolor, and mostly takes place on vast desert locations rather than a soundstage featuring that same old big rock (you fans of the TV show know which rock I'm talking about). The biggest difference is that the Ranger and Tonto shoot to kill in this movie, whereas I don't believe they ever killed anyone in the series. Selander's direction is static and features too many talking heads, and there's a dull romantic subplot involving a proud doctor and his Indian fiancé, but THE LONE RANGER AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD is basically 80 minutes of cowboy fun, and shouldn't be missed by anyone who grew up watching these heroes in afternoon reruns. Also with Charles Watts, Noreen Nash, Lisa Montell, Ralph Moody and Dean Fredericks, who passed away at the age of 75 the same day I saw this movie again in 1999. Music by Les Baxter is routine, and doesn't sound much different than the library tracks used in the ABC-TV show. Selander directed over 125 features, almost all of them westerns of the B variety.

LONE STAR (1996)--Directed by John Sayles. Stars Chris Cooper, Kris Kristofferson, Matthew McConaughey, Joe Morton, Elizabeth Pena, Clifton James. One of Sayles's best films and possibly the best movie of 1996. Sayles, who also wrote and edited, has composed a story that is structured like a mystery, but is mostly about family, race relations, dealing with the past, patriotism--you name it. Cooper is Sam Deeds, sheriff of a Texas border town, who is called in to investigate when a forty-year-old skeleton turns up in the desert. It is former sheriff Charley Wade (played in flashbacks by Kristofferson), a corrupt lawman who allegedly skipped town in 1957 with $10,000 in city funds. Wade's replacement was the legendary Buddy Deeds (McConaughey), Sam's deceased father. Deeds believes his father may have committed the murder, and during his investigation he becomes involved with the town's mayor (who was also Wade's deputy), the owner of the town's black tavern, a wealthy Mexican woman and the woman's daughter, Pilar, who is also Deeds's high school sweetheart. Pilar is played by the marvelous actress Elizabeth Pena, who has appeared in other Sayles films (and his unfortunately short-lived TV series SHANNON'S DEAL). Although the story takes place in three different time periods, Sayles's seamless editing keeps it flowing, and his rich dialogue (there isn't much action in this cop story) is endlessly entertaining. There isn't much humor in LONE STAR, and Cooper isn't loaded with charisma, but these are minor quibbles. LONE STAR is a great film.

LONE WOLF McQUADE (1983)--Directed by Steve Carver. Stars Chuck Norris, David Carradine, Robert Beltran, Barbara Carrera, L.Q. Jones, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Dana Kimmell. Many classic films can be summed up in merely one scene--a scene so indelible that, once viewed, is imprinted onto your brain forever. PSYCHO's shower scene. Brando with the orange peel in THE GODFATHER. Gene Kelly splashing the title song in SINGING IN THE RAIN. LONE WOLF MCQUADE, chopsocky hero Chuck Norris's most entertaining feature, has a scene like that. Norris, as maverick Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade, has been captured in the desert by evil drugrunner David Carradine. Instead of just shooting him in the head, Carradine promises Norris a slow, tortuous death. He rips off his rival's badge, tosses him into the front of his 4x4, pushes it into a deep pit, and uses bulldozers to bury Norris alive. As Francesco DeMasi's Morricone-like score builds to a frenzy, Norris opens a bottle of beer, pours the liquid over his head, starts the engine--VROOM!--shifts into drive, pushes the secret button on the dashboard that operates the truck's Super Turbo Charger, lets out a scream, floors the accelerator and--VOOM!--drives that sucker right outta the ground! As dopey as it may seem on the surface, that moment never fails to garner a noisy reaction from its audience, and it's to Norris and director Steve Carver's credit that they're able to maintain the same level of excitement through the rest of the movie.

Although set in contemporary times, LONE WOLF MCQUADE is really a throwback to the Italian westerns of the '60s, even hiring DeMasi (who has scored films with great titles like KILL THEM ALL AND COME BACK ALONE, SEVEN PISTOLS FOR A MASSACRE and FOR A FEW BULLETS MORE) as composer. McQuade (Norris), the hero, is your basic stereotypical movie cop--a man of few words and many bullets who's always being dressed down by his by-the-book superior (played here by western vet R.G. Armstrong). After a well-mounted opening sequence that climaxes in Norris mowing down about a dozen guys with a machine gun ("A Texas Ranger once kicked my daddy's teeth out. How 'bout you, Ranger, you goan' kick my teeth out?") and saving the life of rookie cop Kayo (Beltran), he begins investigating an Army transport hijacking that resulted in the theft of hundreds of high-powered weapons in which his teenage daughter Sally (Kimmell) is injured and her boyfriend killed. Reluctantly teaming with Kayo, former partner Dakota (the always-charismatic Jones) and government agent Jackson (PENITENTIARY's Kennedy), McQuade traces the robbery to sinister, karate-kicking magnate Rawley Wilkes (Carradine), who loses his spicy girlfriend Lola (Carrera) to McQuade's taciturn charms, but counters by kidnapping Sally. The finale pits Norris and a V-neck-sweater-clad Carradine in a sandy mano-y-mano battle to the death.

The screenplay by H. Kaye Dyal and B.J. Nelson may contain a lapse or two in logic, but Carver's direction is so fast-paced that the script basically serves as a clothespin on which to hang karate battles, car chases and shootouts. Everyone seems to have gotten the comic-book feel of the production, directing Carradine to play the heavy like he's taking over the world, making sure no more than a few scenes go by without someone being shot or kicked in the face, and even tossing in as a supporting character a midget in a mechanical wheelchair with secret passages installed in his racetrack office! Norris is no great shakes as an actor, but his limitations are less noticeable surrounded by scenery-chewing vets Carradine and Jones, and he looks like DeNiro next to Carrera's unconvincing performance.

Of Norris's features, only CODE OF SILENCE, directed by future Oscar nominee Andrew Davis, is as good as MCQUADE, which serves as a fine precursor to his long-running television series WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. Also with Sharon Farrell, William Sanderson, John Anderson, Daniel Frishman and Aaron Norris. Carradine was reportedly a bit of trouble on the set. He allegedly agreed to do the film only on three conditions: 1) he got the girl 2) he didn't lose an onscreen fight to Norris and 3) his character didn't die. Needless to say with Wilkes being the villain, these didn't all come to pass. Carver had previously helmed Chuck in AN EYE FOR AN EYE. McQuade's injured daughter is taken to Eastwood Hospital, an obvious nod to the Sergio Leone westerns. From the director of BIG BAD MAMA. Chuck's stuntman brother Aaron went on to direct nine films, most of which starred Chuck; he also served as a writer, director and executive producer on WALKER.

LONELY ARE THE BRAVE (1962)--Directed by David Miller. Stars Kirk Douglas, Walter Matthau, Gena Rowlands, George Kennedy. Solid drama about a modern-day cowboy (Douglas) who receives a one-year jail sentence for his part in a bar brawl. Rather than serving his time, Douglas escapes on horseback and is pursued, using modern means, by a sympathetic sheriff (Matthau). Douglas and Matthau are excellent as the antagonists who have much respect for each other, yet must be enemies. The supporting roles are well cast, and the touching script was penned by Dalton Trumbo (PAPILLON). Also with Carroll O'Connor and Bill Raisch as the man Douglas fights with in the bar. Raisch went on to TV cult fame as the one-armed man who outran David Janssen on THE FUGITIVE.

THE LONELY GUY (1984)--Directed by Arthur Hiller. Stars Steve Martin, Charles Grodin, Judith Ivey, Robyn Douglass. When Martin is kicked out by girlfriend Douglass in this mostly unfunny comedy, he finds a friend in fellow lonely-guy Grodin. As usual, Martin and Grodin are good for a few laughs, but the script (co-written by Neil Simon) just isn't funny. One of Martin's worst movies.

THE LONELY LADY (1983)--Directed by Peter Sasdy. Stars Pia Zadora, Lloyd Bochner, Bibi Besch, Jared Martin, Joseph Cali. One of the funniest movies you're likely to see in this or any other lifetime. Just think if it had been made as a comedy. Aspiring screenwriter Zadora battles the usual obstacles on her way to Hollywood stardom, such as abortion, a nervous breakdown, rape with a garden hose, and lesbianism. Look for Ray Liotta in a supporting role. Filmed in Italy, and based on a novel by Harold Robbins.

THE LONG GOODBYE (1973)--Directed by Robert Altman. Stars Elliott Gould, Sterling Hayden, Nina van Pallandt, Mark Rydell, Jim Bouton. Excellent crime drama starring Gould as Raymond Chandler's literary private eye Philip Marlowe. The setting has been updated to modern-day Los Angeles, and the story finds Marlowe reluctantly becoming involved with a gangster (Rydell) who thinks Marlowe has some money belonging to him; Marlowe's friend Terry (Bouton), who may have killed his wife; and Terry's neighbor (van Pallandt), who thinks her eccentric alcoholic husband (Hayden) may have killed Terry's wife. The plot isn't nearly as important as the dialogue and atmosphere, which are wonderful. The casting of Gould, a Jew from New York, as Philip Marlowe caused many Chandler fans to become outraged, but it's hard to picture any other contemporary actor in the role. Much of Gould's dialogue was reportedly improvised. Much of the realism comes from Altman's ingenious casting of non-actors in major roles--Rydell was a director; van Pallandt, a socialite; Bouton, a major-league baseball player. Music by John Williams. Cinematography by Vilmos Zsigmond (CHINATOWN). Screenplay by Leigh Brackett (THE BIG SLEEP). Look for David Carradine in a cameo and an early screen appearance by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Music by John Williams.

LONG WEEKEND (1979)—Directed by Colin Eggleston. Stars John Hargreaves, Briony Behets. Cool, taut two-hander literally pits man against nature. This Australian thriller’s ecological message is as timely as ever, though slow buildup means viewers in search of cheap jolts will have to remain patient. Peter (Hargreaves) and Marcia (Behets, the director’s wife), a married couple who don’t appear to love one another very much, set off on a weekend camping trip that just maybe will revitalize their relationship. Smokey the Bear would have a conniption if he saw what these arrogant, self-absorbed city folk were doing to his land. Flicking cigarette butts willy-nilly, chopping trees for the hell of it, tossing garbage wherever they happen to be standing. Finally, Eggleston and writer Everett de Roche answer the question, “What happens when Nature has had enough?”

Although theaters during the late 1970s were packed with movies about animals running amok, LONG WEEKEND is no schlocky monster movie like DAY OF THE ANIMALS. Lustrously photographed in Panavision and deftly performed by actors who make unlikable characters worth watching, Eggleston’s atmospheric thriller unfolds in an otherworldly fashion, as we’re never certain how or why—or if—things are happening. After Peter is attacked in short order by both an eagle and an opossum, the duo makes plans to split. If they’re allowed to. Didn’t play theatrically in the United States, but is now available on a sumptuous-looking DVD from Synapse.

THE LONGEST NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Jack Smight.  Stars David Janssen, James Farentino, Sallie Shockley, Skye Aubrey.  Merwin Gerard (ONE STEP BEYOND) based his teleplay on the ordeal of college student Barbara Jane Mackle, who was kidnapped in 1968 by an intelligent assailant and his girlfriend who buried her in the Georgia woods in a specially designed box that was attached to a sophisticated battery system that provided enough light, air and water for several days.  The 1973 exploitation feature THE CANDY SNATCHERS was likely inspired by the famous case, which was officially adapted from Mackle’s autobiography as 83 HOURS ‘TIL DAWN in 1990.  THE LONGEST NIGHT was made for the ABC MOVIE OF THE WEEK while the case was still fresh in the public mind, and it seems to be a relatively accurate retelling.  Janssen is stalwart as the girl’s father, here named Chambers, and Farentino and Aubrey play the kidnappers.  Smight (BANACEK) uses date and time stamps to create a quasi-documentary style, which fits Gerard’s no-frills storytelling to a T.  Mike Farrell, Joel Fabiani, John Kerr and Jason Bernard co-star as law enforcement.  Also with Phyllis Thaxter, Richard Anderson, Robert Cornthwaite, Charles McGraw, Antony Carbone, Tom Hallick, Sharon Gless and Ross Elliott.  Quentin Tarantino directed a CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION episode that features a kidnapping similar to Mackle’s.

THE LONGEST YARD (1974)--Directed by Robert Aldrich.  Stars Burt Reynolds, Eddie Albert, Michael Conrad, Ed Lauter, James Hampton.  This funny and brutal prison film remains one of the great sports films, partically because Aldrich insisted on making the football scenes as real as possible.  For the most part, the players on the field were real-life college, semi-pro and former pro players, and they ran actual plays with the defense really trying to sack Reynolds, playing washed-up NFL quarterback Paul Crewe.  Run out of the league in a point-shaving scandal and currently serving five years for dropping his girlfriend’s Maserati into the drink, Crewe is recruited by corrupt warden Hazen to organize a football team of inmates to play against his vicious semipro team staffed with guards.  A no-holds-barred football game between inmates and guards is a terrific concept by producer Albert S. Ruddy (THE GODFATHER), and screenwriter Tracy Keenan Wynn (TRIBES) makes it one of Hollywood’s most memorable sporting events, filled with fights, foul mouths and an exciting ending.  The finale lasts about 45 minutes, and at times it’s like you’re watching an actual game.  The eclectic cast of athletes and character actors includes Charles Tyner, Harry Caesar, Mike Henry, Ray Nitschke, Pervis Atkins, Richard Kiel, Anitra Ford, Joe Kapp, Robert Tessier, Sonny Sixkiller and Alfie Wise.  Frank deVol’s score is too old-fashioned for a rough, profane comedy like this one.  Reynolds, Albert and Aldrich worked together again a year later in HUSTLE.

THE LONGEST YARD (2005)--Directed by Peter Segal.  Stars Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, Chris Rock, James Cromwell, Cloris Leachman.  Talk about a film almost completely without worth. Not to say that the remake of THE LONGEST YARD, which stars Adam Sandler as Burt Reynolds (snicker), is awful. It's too mediocre to be awful. But if ever a film was unnecessary, it's this one. The problem is that everything that you remember about the original film is re-created here, but not as well.

In 1974, Reynolds starred as Paul Crewe, an ex-NFL quarterback drummed out of the league after a point-shaving scandal and sentenced to a prison term after getting drunk and stealing his girlfriend's car. The same with Crewe in the 2005 version, except now we're expected to buy the diminutive, non-athletic Sandler as a studly womanizing football star who posed for underwear ads. Strangely, Sheldon Turner's screenplay for the new film claims that the allegations against Crewe were never proven, yet he was somehow convicted on federal racketeering charges because of the point-shaving. Either he shaved points or he didn't; Turner tries to have it both ways (we find out for sure later in the film).

Warden Hazen (Cromwell), who has political intentions, blackmails Crewe (we don't really know why) into putting together a team of convicts to play a practice game against his semipro squad of prison guards. Act II is pretty much THE DIRTY DOZEN, as Sandler assembles his squad of misfits and trains them to be football players. Act III is the big game, and you don't have to have seen the 1974 film to figure out what's going to happen.

Crewe coerced into sleeping with the warden's secretary? Yep, it's here, except it's an embarassing turn by elderly Cloris Leachman as an old perv.

Crewe nailing a referee in the nuts with a pass? Twice? Yep, that's here.

Remember when Richard Kiel clotheslined an opponent, leading to the memorable line, "I think I broke his fucking neck!"? That's here too, except the line is now, "I think he shit himself." Ha. Ha.

Caretaker (Rock in James Hampton's role) getting killed? Yep. The memorable conclusion with the warden shouting at the head guard to kill Crewe? That's here too. Thankfully, the studio gave Tracy Keenan Wynn and Albert S. Ruddy, the original film's writers, a screen credit on the remake, because they certainly did most of the heavy lifting on it.

Other updates include the climactic game being broadcast on ESPN2, as if a national cable network would be interested in a sandlot game, especially one with such great potential for serious violence. Also, the players are too good. The warden sets this up a bit by explaining how he has recruited former college players to work for him as guards, but the level of play on the field is NFL-quality.

Perhaps the new film plays better if you're unfamiliar with the original, which also starred the late Eddie Albert, who coincidentally died the day before the remake opened, as the warden. It's a wonderful performance, made all the meaner by the fact that Albert had not played many heavies up to that point, whereas Cromwell has.

It's kind of surreal to see Reynolds with a major role in the remake; I wonder what it was like for him on the set, watching Sandler go through the same motions he did 30 years earlier. Ed Lauter, who portrayed the violent head guard, Knauer, in the Reynolds film, has a welcome cameo. Rob Schneider, the only major film comedian who's less funny than Adam Sandler, has an unwelcome one.

LOOK, UP IN THE SKY!: THE AMAZING STORY OF SUPERMAN (2006)—Directed by Kevin Burns.  Made primarily as a marketing tool to support the big-screen release of SUPERMAN RETURNS, this 110-minute documentary is an entertaining if not terribly deep look at one of the world's most enduring fictional heroes. I didn't learn very much that I didn't already know, but it was fun seeing all the clips and covers of Supermen past.

Just to get one big gripe out of the way, director Kevin Burns seems to believe that Superman comic books grow on trees. Outside of Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, hardly any of the editors, writers or artists who made the Superman comic books and strips rate a mention. Names like Curt Swan, Murphy Anderson, Al Plastino, Wayne Boring and even Neal Adams are completely ignored, even when (beautifully recolored) panels and covers they drew are splashed across the screen. Writers Elliott S! Maggin (who offhandedly mentions the name of Cary Bates) and Denny O'Neil do brief on-camera bits, but none of their material relates to their specific work on the character. The documentary makes it look almost as though Superman only exists on television, radio and movies, and comic books are just part of the merchandising.

Also, after an initial overview of how Shuster and Siegel came up with Superman, the creators are completely ignored. There's nothing at all about their post-Superman lives, their careers in and outside of comics, and--especially--the shameful manner in which DC Comics and Warner Communications screwed the duo for decades. Obviously, this documentary wouldn't exist if not for Siegel and Shuster, but it also wouldn't if not for the talented people who toiled over the comics and kept the character going for the past 70 years. The movie also doesn't mention that Superman comics routinely sold nearly a million copies per month on a regular basis during the so-called Silver Age.

Narrated (blandly) by Kevin Spacey, who oddly refers to himself in the third person when mentioning his role in SUPERMAN RETURNS, LOOK, UP IN THE SKY! is a colorful and well-paced look at the character over the decades. Burns recruited a wide variety of talking heads to discuss Superman and his impact on society and their lives. Some of them are fans--Mark Hamill, Gene Simmons, LOST IN SPACE's Bill Mumy. Many of them are directly involved with the Superman legend, such as actors Noel Neill, Jack Larson and Dean Cain and comic book professionals Mike Carlin, Art Thibert and Paul Levitz. The vast reach of interview subjects and perspectives leads to some entertaining segments, and each is punctuated by plenty of cool film clips from the Fleischer cartoons, the Columbia serials (starring Kirk Alyn as Superman), the George Reeves TV series, LOIS & CLARK with Cain and Teri Hatcher...even the syndicated SUPERBOY series rates a mention.

The '50s series THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (with Reeves, Larson and Neill) and the four motion pictures starring Christopher Reeve receive the lion's share of coverage, although much room is reserved near the end for the less-interesting SMALLVILLE series and SUPERMAN RETURNS. What I really loved were the tantalizing behind-the-scenes footage that I don't recall ever seeing before. While some of the SUPERMAN screen tests appeared on the DVD (with name actresses like Stockard Channing and Anne Archer testing for Lois Lane), a lot of this stuff I haven't seen. For instance, Jeff Corey (who played the heavy in SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN) acting in a test for the Reeve movie as Lex Luthor.  Even cooler are the few seconds of outtakes--in color--from SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN. Just running the silent footage by itself would have made for a terrific Easter egg.

I also liked some of the more obscure treats, such as the clips from the failed SUPERPUP pilot (in which midgets wearing dog costumes played the roles) and the probably-never-seen-anywhere-since SUPERMAN musical production that aired in ABC's late-night schedule in 1975. David Wilson (who?) played Superman and Lesley Ann Warren 0f MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE was Lois. It looks truly awful, but I'd love to see the whole thing.

The best part about LOOK, UP IN THE SKY! is that it reinforces just how good both George Reeves and Christopher Reeve were. Though they each approached their roles differently, both were quite remarkable and most likely are as responsible for Superman's immense popularity to this day as almost any comic-book figure outside of Siegel and Shuster. It's obvious from watching this documentary that their indelible performances will endure long after the phrase "Brandon who?" has vanished from our vocabulary.

LOOK WHO'S TALKING (1989)--Directed by Amy Heckerling. Stars John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, George Segal, Olympia Dukakis and the voice of Bruce Willis. Tedious one-joke comedy about an accountant (Alley) having an affair with a married man (Segal) who becomes pregnant. The one joke is that, when Alley has the baby, the audience hears its thoughts, courtesy of Willis. An interesting idea and Willis has a few good one-liners, but there just are no laughs here.

LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO (1990)--Directed by Amy Heckerling. Stars John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and the voices of Bruce Willis and Roseanne Barr. Travolta and Alley, now married, have a daughter of their own. We hear her thoughts too. Same movie as the above. The joke is sure getting old. In 1993's LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW, we get talking dogs!

LOOKER (1981)—Directed by Michael Crichton.  Stars Albert Finney, Susan Dey, James Coburn.  Physician/novelist Crichton’s fifth film as a director is a slick but empty thriller set within the world of television advertising.  In its favor, it anticipates several concepts that are commonplace in today’s American culture, such as constant bombardment with advertising messages everywhere you look, Hollywood’s obsession with plastic surgery, and the use of computer generated images to replace actors on film.  It’s interesting to try to watch LOOKER from a 1981 perspective, keeping in mind Crichton’s premonitions, but the director/screenwriter unfortunately fails to wrap a logical, absorbing story around them.

Finney, looking and acting a lot like William Shatner, is plastic surgeon Larry Roberts, who becomes curious after three out of four models upon which he performed very specific procedures die under mysterious circumstances.  All three were also involved with a thinktank operated by a multimillion-dollar corporation owned by oily John Reston (Coburn).  When Roberts begins investigating the deaths, particularly after the police finger him as a murder suspect, he becomes suspicious of Reston’s company and discovers sophisticated gadgetry such as a computer that can place living actors within a filmed scene without the actors’ knowledge or consent and an elaborate light pistol that hypnotizes its victims for hours.  PARTRIDGE FAMILY ingénue Dey is the fourth model, whom Larry tries to protect.

An empty finale that fails to give Finney, the hero, appropriate heroics and a silly, hole-riddled script fail to capitalize on Crichton’s intriguing concepts.  Both Dey and Playmate Terri Welles supply a surprising amount of nudity for a PG feature, and good supporting actors like Leigh-Taylor Young, Terry Kiser, Tim Rossovich, Dorian Harewood and Darryl Hickman appear, but without much gravity.  Barry DeVorzon composed the dated score.  In retrospect, LOOKER obviously anticipates Crichton’s next film, RUNAWAY, another slick but loose thriller with science fiction elements.

LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD (2006)--Directed by Albert Brooks.  Stars Albert Brooks, Sheetal Sheth, Jon Tenney, John Carroll Lynch, Fred Dalton Thompson, Penny Marshall.  If you're curious about the alleged controversial content that led Sony to shelve the movie and Warner Independent to pick it up, let me assure you that the buzz is ridiculous. There is nothing in Brooks' movie that could be considered controversial or politically incorrect, unless you believe that portraying people of India as full-fledged, well-rounded human beings is a sensitive act.

Brooks, who wrote the original screenplay and directed, stars as Albert Brooks, who leaves a humiliating interview with director Penny Marshall for the lead in a remake of HARVEY (!) and returns home to find a registered letter from the U.S. government waiting for him. Turns out Fred Dalton Thompson (as himself) is heading a government commission dedicated to learning more about the Muslim people by discovering what makes them laugh, and he wants Albert to take a month in India and Pakistan, find out, and put it all in a 500-page report (it's gotta be 500 pages to justify the expense, but, don't worry, nobody reads the reports anyway, they just weigh them).

Albert is accompanied in New Delhi by two State Department men (Jon Tenney and John Carroll Lynch) and his Indian assistant Maya (the wonderful Sheetal Sheth). After a day of man-on-the-street interviews ("What makes you laugh?") turns out to be fruitless, Brooks has the idea to stage a standup concert in a country that has no standup comedy. The film's major setpiece is Brooks' routine, performed before an auditorium filled with Indians unfamiliar with Brooks or his material. The routine bombs, as it should have. The joke is that Brooks' routine is actually a deconstruction of American standup comedy, riffing on ventriloquist acts and supposed "improvisation". It likely would have bombed in an American comedy club too, which doesn't mean that it isn't wildly funny.

The second half is padded, with help from Michael Giacchino's witty score, with a dose of international intrigue, as Albert's covert late-night meeting with a group of stoned budding Pakistani comics. Bombed on hash, they, of course, laugh their asses off at Albert's routine, and the narcissistic Brooks thinks he killed. There's also a neat bit with Albert being offered the lead in an Al Jazeera sitcom titled THAT DARN JEW.

Filming on location in New Delhi, Brooks uses the local population and scenery to good advantage, including one killer gag--a subtle one, but brilliantly executed--staged at the Taj Mahal. I didn't come away from LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD with a better idea of what makes Muslims laugh (except Polish jokes--they kill everywhere), but I know that it made me laugh.

LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR (1977)--Directed by Richard Brooks. Stars Diane Keaton, Richard Gere, Tom Berenger, William Atherton, Richard Kiley. Keaton stars in this ponderous, overrated drama as a Catholic schoolteacher who courts disaster by having frequent one-night-stands with men she picks up in bars. Keaton is interesting as a morally confused woman, but the script is dull, and the climactic murder scene is too brutal. One of Gere's earliest film appearances. Based on a novel by Judith Rossner.

THE LOOKOUT (2007)—Directed by Scott Frank.  Stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jeff Daniels, Matthew Goode, Isla Fisher.  The excellent screenwriter Frank (OUT OF SIGHT) turns to directing with this well-conceived crime thriller.  Not just another caper movie, due to its rich characters and desolate setting, THE LOOKOUT revolves around Chris Pratt (Gordon-Levitt from 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN), a brain-damaged young man who works as the overnight janitor at a rural bank.  Seduced verbally (by charismatic thug Goode) and physically (by redhaired Fisher, who isn’t quite edgy enough for femme fatale roles), Chris, who is overwhelmed with guilt for causing the car accident that injured him and killed his friends, is convinced to help Goode and his gang rip off the bank.  Chris’ friendship with his sardonic blind roommate (Daniels), not to mention their lives, is threatened by Chris’ involvement with the thieves.  Nearly every character is interesting enough to carry his or her own picture, and the performances by Daniels, Goode, Carla Gugino (in a too-brief bit) and especially Gordon-Levitt catapult THE LOOKOUT over the genre’s usual standard.  Shot in bleak Manitoba, THE LOOKOUT costars Bruce McGill and Alberta Watson as Chris’ parents.

LOOSE CANNONS (1990)--Directed by Bob Clark.  Stars Gene Hackman, Dan Aykroyd, Dom DeLuise, Ronny Cox, Robert Prosky.  To be fair, I don't know how any film with this premise could ever have been good, no matter who was directing it. It's certainly the worst film with a screenplay credit for the legendary science fiction author Richard Matheson, who shares the card with his son, TV writer Richard Christian Matheson, and Clark himself, who obviously "polished" the script. I'd be curious to see an earlier draft, because I'd be surprised if the Mathesons came up with all this nonsense themselves.

The ridiculously labyrinthine plot concerns the effort of neo-Nazis to retrieve a 45-year-old porno movie that shows Adolf Hitler having gay sex and then committing suicide. Von Metz (Robert Prosky), soon to be named chancellor of West Germany, needs to prevent anyone from seeing the film, as it proves the Jewish community's accusations that he was a Hitler ally. The reel lands in the porky hands of sex-club owner Gutterman (played with a cane and earring by Dom DeLuise), who finds himself the target of assassins led by the psycho Grimmer (Paul Koslo).

If that isn't stupid enough, wisecracking Vice detective Mac Stern (Gene Hackman!) is assigned to the case and given a new partner: a former mental patient named Ellis Fielding (Dan Aykroyd) who, whenever faced with violence or stress, takes on a seemingly infinite number of new personalities, including Butch Cassidy, Snagglepuss (!), the Roadrunner, Broderick Crawford, the Church Lady, Peewee Herman and half the cast of STAR TREK. So whenever Ellis and Mac stumble into a gunfight or a car chase, Aykroyd breaks out his C-list of impressions and shamelessly mugs while Hackman looks on with a pained look.

It's one of the most schizophrenic (pardon the pun) action comedies I've ever seen, and I don't know how it got past the pitch stage, except that it was produced by Tri-Star, which made more junk films than just about any other major Hollywood studio. To be fair to Aykroyd, he's playing an absurd character, and I can't think of any other movie star working in 1989 who could have pulled it off any better, except maybe Robin Williams or John Candy. Hackman, being a pro, tries, but I can't imagine what he thought he could bring to this movie. At least LOOSE CANNONS is fun to spot character actors in, including Ronny Cox, David Alan Grier, S. Epatha Merkerson (LAW & ORDER), Tobin Bell (SAW), Dick O'Neill and a scrumptious Nancy Travis (THREE MEN AND A BABY).

LORD OF THE FLIES (1990)--Directed by Harry Hook. Stars Balthazar Getty, Chris Furrh, Danuel Pipoly, Badgett Dale. Strong acting and spectacular jungle photography mark this pretty good film version of William Golding's classic novel. A group of American boys, left to fend for themselves after being marooned on an island, evolve into a society of thoughtful pacifists and primitive savages. Jay Presson Allen scripted using the name Sarah Schiff.

THE LORDS OF DISCIPLINE (1983)—Directed by Franc Roddam.  Stars David Keith, Robert Prosky, G.D. Spradlin, Mark Breland, Barbara Babcock, Mitchell Lichtenstein.  It’s 1964, and Will McLean (Keith) is entering his senior year at Carolina Military Institute.  One of the new freshmen is Pearce (Breland), the first black cadet in the history of the academy.  Will’s mentor, Bear (Prosky), asks the lad to keep an eye on Pearce and try to protect him from the fierce and quite frankly cruel hazing the seniors traditionally dish out to the new fish.  In so doing, Will learns about The Ten, a secret organization of cadets dedicated to torturing boys they feel are unworthy of the school.  He then becomes a target of The Ten after he rescues Pearce from a particularly gruesome torture session that occurs at a cottage owned by none other than the school’s commander, General Durrell (Spradlin).  The subject matter and the promotion of Keith from supporting actor to leading man demonstrates that Paramount was hoping to lure back some of that AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN audience, but LORDS is a straight thriller with no romance to get in the way.  It’s surprising that Keith didn’t become a bigger star, though he certainly has had a successful movie career.  He’s quite winning here and is ably matched by his co-stars, young and old.  You’ll see Michael Biehn (ALIENS), Judge Reinhold (BEVERLY HILLS COP), Rick Rossovich (ROXANNE) and Bill Paxton (BIG LOVE) among the cadets.  Based on a Pat Conroy novel.

THE LOSERS (1970)--Directed by Jack Starrett.  Stars William Smith, Adam Roarke, Bernie Hamilton, Paul Koslo.  THE LOSERS is a film that couldn't miss, quite frankly, as it boasts one of the greatest concepts in exploitation-film history. The U.S. Army recruits an American biker gang to break into a Red Chinese camp in Cambodia and rescue a kidnapped CIA agent. It's basically THE DIRTY DOZEN meets MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE with profanity, nudity and gore. It's a great idea, and it would take a pretty lame filmmaker to screw it up (actually, Cirio Santiago remade it as 'NAM ANGELS in 1989).

Jack Starrett, the director of THE LOSERS, is not a lame filmmaker, and, in fact, he was quite good, particularly with films that had a lot of action. Made in 1969 and released in 1970, THE LOSERS is one of the extremely few films made about the Vietnam War during the Vietnam War. Offhand, I can think of THE LOSERS and THE GREEN BERETS, which is just about the only pro-Vietnam War film that ever has been made. THE LOSERS is definitely not pro-war. Starrett was quite an anti-establishment personality, and many of the film's stars were well-known for performing in biker movies and other stick-it-to-The-Man drive-in flicks.

The great William Smith stars as Link, looking totally badass with his cutoff sleeves, bare chest and long earring. He and his Devil's Advocates are recruited because he and two other bikers in the gang had served in Vietnam a few years earlier. Adam Roarke (DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY) is Duke, and Paul Koslo (MR. MAJESTYK) is Limpy. Dirty Denny (the mysterious Houston Savage) and Speed (Gene Cornelius) are the other bikers, all ostensibly under the command of Captain Jackson, played by Bernie Hamilton, who went on to play the harassed boss of Starsky and Hutch on the hit TV series.

Screenwriter Alan Caillou had a long career acting and writing films and television shows, but he also made quite a living as the author of quickie paperback thrillers featuring two-fisted adventurers like Cabot Cain. Therefore, it's no surprise that he was able to concoct such a squirrely concept for a film. Of course it's absurd, but the game cast and Starrett's solid direction makes it work. It has long been a favorite in cult-movie circles, and picked up many new fans when Quentin Tarantino used a clip of it on a television set in PULP FICTION.

I have no problem with the film's structure, but it has been criticized by some contemporary critics for taking too long to get to the good stuff. And it's true that the major action setpiece doesn't come until about an hour and ten minutes into the picture. The last 25 minutes or so is full of dynamite action--explosions, crashes, motorcycle stunts, bloody squibs--but the first two acts consist mainly of establishing the characters of the bikers. There are some fight sequences and shooting and topless women during these scenes, but with a budget of only $275,000, Starrett obviously had to save the best stuff for his climax.

That said, I don't think the film suffers much. Starrett's pacing is fine, and I think it does the audience some good to get to know the characters before they go into battle. You have to care whether they live or die, and that's what the first part of the film is all about. These bikers are very anti-Establishment and appear on the surface to care about nothing but themselves, but after we get to see them interacting with each other and the Vietnamese people (Starrett actually shot THE LOSERS in the Philippines), we understand that they are indeed three-dimensional humans.

The climax, though, is THE LOSERS' bread and butter, and most of the footage from the trailer was culled from it. It involves the bikers, armed with specially armored (and armed) trick motorcycles, busting into the camp, riding around shooting and blowing up bad guys. Gary McLarty and Paul Nuckles are the ace stuntmen responsible for the more outrageous stunts, and Roger George's explosions are some of the best I've seen in a low-budget movie.

As with many '70s movies, THE LOSERS ends on a cynical note, but one that the movie has earned. Its unusual premise and top drive-in cast make it must-see viewing. It's also prime remake material. Can't you see a contemporary biker gang going into Iraq or Afghanistan to raise a little hell and say "screw you" to Cheney and Rummy?  Music by Stu Phillips.

LOSIN’ IT (1983)--Directed by Curtis Hanson.  Stars Tom Cruise, Jackie Earle Haley, John Stockwell, John P. Navin Jr., Shelley Long.  19-year-old Cruise was still an acting neophyte when he made this raunchy teen comedy that came out the same year as RISKY BUSINESS.  Watching it, it’s hardly possible to predict big things happening for him.  Sure, he’s a good-looking kid, but kinda bland, and he’s blown off the screen by his manic co-star Haley (THE BAD NEWS BEARS).  Audiences who paid to see it expecting another PORKY’S were probably pissed off.  It’s not very pleasant, sending its fun-loving American teen heroes off to Tijuana to be harassed by police, beaten, robbed and taken advantage of.  Three older teens--Rat Packer Dave (Haley), sensitive Woody (Cruise) and jock Spider (Stockwell)--along with Dave’s little brother Wimp (Navin), head to Tijuana to lose their virginity, but end up in a whole pack o’ trouble.  Long, who’s also good, co-stars as a frustrated wife who tags along to get a divorce.  Some choice oldies dot the soundtrack, adding a touch of the upbeat to Hanson’s downer of a film, which was penned by B.W.L. Norton (MORE AMERICAN GRAFFITI).  Henry Darrow provides some class as a corrupt cop.  Also with Rick Rossovich and Joe Spinell.  Filmed in Calexico, California.

LOST (2005)--Directed by Darren Lemke.  Stars Dean Cain.  LOST is a real low-budget gem that managed to eke out a short theatrical run last summer.  Dean Cain has been one of Hollywood’s busiest and most dependable leading men since rising to stardom as the Man of Steel on ABC’s LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, sliding effortlessly between television parts and leading roles in independent genre films.  LOST is a revelation, providing Cain with one of the juiciest roles of his career to date.  Indeed, the edgy thriller is practically a one-man show.

Cain plays Jeremy Stanton, a Pasadena bank vice-president driving alone across the Nevada desert.  He has only a few hours to reach an important destination--the small, insignificant town of Red Ridge--but his outdated road map and an outwardly stressed demeanor helps him to become lost.  Only his cell phone, which the anxious yuppie uses to soothe his wife (Irina Bjorklund) and bark at an overly cheery Road-Aid operator (Ashley Scott), keeps him company (perhaps implausibly so, considering that the little bugger manages to consistently get a signal out in the middle of nowhere).

Writer/director Darren Lemke teases us early on with radio news stories about a $6.5 million California bank heist, and it’s inevitable that the crooks, including Danny Trejo, will cross Jeremy’s path.  However, Lemke deftly dangles the how’s and the why’s before us in an assured manner atypical of a first-time director, carefully doling out plot twists that dangerously toy with our suspension of disbelief.

One reason we go along with it all--the biggest reason, really--is Cain, who isn’t afraid of appearing unsympathetic.  Lemke is a little heavy on the symbolism, making it crystal clear to us many times over that Jeremy is not just literally lost on the highway, but has fallen off his moral path out of desperation.  It’s obvious that Jeremy is not a particularly nice guy, but Cain’s multi-faceted performance draws us in to a point where we root for him to escape his inevitable doom.

THE LOST CONTINENT (1951)--Directed by Sam Newfield. Stars Cesar Romero, John Hoyt, Hugh Beaumont, Whit Bissell, Sid Melton, Hillary Brooke, Acquanetta, Chick Chandler. Romero and his stiff crew of astronauts travel to the title land to search for a missing rocket. They climb lots of rocks. Eventually they meet the exotic Acquanetta. Then they climb more rocks. Then they see some poorly animated dinosaurs, and the whole place blows up. Check out the cast! In one shot, you can see Beaumont break up laughing at this ridiculous movie from executive producer Robert L. Lippert. Music by Paul Dunlap. The space scenes were lifted from ROCKETSHIP X-M.

THE LOST CONTINENT (1968)--Directed by Michael Carreras. Stars Eric Porter, Hildegard Kief, Suzanna Leigh, Tony Buckley. Hammer adventure about a ship filled with people who don't like each other much that becomes lost in some kind of bizarre Sargasso Sea. There they encounter killer seaweed, giant crab monsters, sharks, and a hooded madman called "El Diablo". Marred by an unlikable cast and an extremely low budget; the most eye-popping special effect is the low-cut chamois-leather outfit worn by Dana Gillespie, a 17-year-old water ski champion who was hired by Hammer Films specifically because of her large breasts. She went on to a successful recording career in the United Kingdom. Robert Mattey provided the unconvincing monster effects. Leslie Norman was the original director, but dropped out and was replaced by Hammer exec Carreras, who also produced and scripted using the nom de plume Michael Nash. Based upon the novel UNCHARTED SEAS by Dennis Wheatley.

THE LOST EMPIRE (1985)--Directed by Jim Wynorski.  Stars Melanie Vincz, Raven de la Croix, Angela Aames, Angus Scrimm, Paul Coufos.  So this is where it all began.  The writer of such Roger Corman cheapies as SORCERESS and FORBIDDEN WORLD made his directorial debut with this funny pastiche of genres, and nearly twenty years later, Wynorski is still at it, grinding out 3-4 DTV movies per year and even more than that as a producer.  THE LOST EMPIRE is an affectionate parody of martial-arts movies (most notably ENTER THE DRAGON), lost-world adventures, sword & sorcery and softcore women-in-prison dramas.  Despite its obvious low budget, its special effects are ambitious and its gorgeous cast game.

Maverick cop Angel Wolfe (Vincz) is bent on revenge after her rookie cop brother is murdered by ninjas out to swipe the Eyes of Avatar from a Chinatown jewelry store.  The Eyes, as FBI agent/boyfriend Rick (Coufos) helpfully explain, are legendary jewels that allow one who possesses them both tremendous power--enough to rule the world.  Sinister cultist Dr. Sin Do (Scrimm), who maintains his immortality by sacrificing at least one human every 24 hours, already has one of the Eyes, with the other surreptitiously tumbling into Angel's handbag.  Geared up to avenge her brother's death, Angel recruits two other top-heavy fighters, Native American Whitestar (de la Croix) and convict Heather (Aames), to enter a martial-arts tournament on Sin Do's private island.

With tongue pressed firmly into cheek, Wynorski, who also served as writer and producer, has whipped together one of the most fun pictures in his oeuvre (such as it is), assembling a cast of colorful characters, plenty of action and sly comedy, and a bevy of gorgeous women (many of whom appear nude) for nearly ninety minutes of sheer joy.  Even at this stage of his career, it's clear that Wynorski was a fan of the movies that made his former boss Roger Corman famous, and perhaps so were his lead actresses, who have a great time fighting, stripping and fighting some more, getting a chance to play action heroines long before BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER made it fashionable.  Of course, the whole thing is quite silly, but if you're the type of person who can't find the fun in a sexy cop battling an immortal mad scientist while a giant doomsday laser swishes out of control, then maybe you should stick with Ron Howard films.  Bald Robert Tessier, Angelique Pettyjohn, Tommy Rettig (LASSIE), Linda Shayne (SCREWBALLS), Bill Thornbury (PHANTASM), Ken Tobey (THE THING) and Garry Goodrow join the fun.  John Carpenter's frequent collaborator Alan Howarth provided the score, and Ernest Farino (STEEL AND LACE) did the animated titles.  CHOPPING MALL was next for Wynorski, who has directed nearly fifty features in 18 years.

LOST IN ALASKA (1952)-Directed by Jean Yarbrough.  Stars Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Tom Ewell.  Two volunteer firemen (Bud and Lou) prevent a gold prospector (Ewell) from drowning himself in the drink and end up accompanying him to Alaska so he can make up with the girl who dumped him and claim his $2 million stake.  Many of the duo's routines were growing stale by this time, but Yarbrough manages to mine the Arctic setting for laughs using gags involving dog sleds, igloos, ice fishing, etc.  One classic bit has Costello winning a fortune at roulette and then losing it all...without Lou ever realizing it!  Also with Bruce Cabot, Mitzi Green, Minerva Urecal, Joe Kirk and Iron Eyes Cody.  Some of the uncredited musical score was composed by a young Henry Mancini, contracted to Universal-International at the time.

LOST IN AMERICA (1985)--Directed by Albert Brooks. Stars Albert Brooks, Julie Hagerty, Garry Marshall. Brooks's third go-round as star/director/co-writer is just as brilliant as the rest of his works. This time Brooks is a yuppie ad exec who gets fired from his job in New York. He talks his wife (Hagerty) into quitting her job; they sell their house, buy a motor home, and decide to emulate Brooks's heroes in EASY RIDER by driving cross-country. As a performer, Brooks is an acquired taste, but I think his neurotic, whiny, self-absorbed characters are hilarious. LOST IN AMERICA contains many truly brilliant scenes, most notably the ones with Brooks trying to talk a casino manager (Marshall) into returning the money Hagerty lost there, and Brooks trying to find a job at a small-town employment agency.

LOST IN SPACE (1998)--Directed by Stephen Hopkins. Stars William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Gary Oldman, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Graham, Lacey Chabert, Jack Johnson. "Oh, the pain! The paaaaiiiinnn!" Pain, indeed, is what fans of the classic '60s space opera may be feeling as they watch this $90 million big-screen remake. While Irwin Allen's colorful TV series starring Guy (ZORRO) Williams and June (LASSIE) Lockhart as the heads of the Space Family Robinson who became lost in the cosmos due to pre-launch tampering by cowardly saboteur Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris) wasn't exactly STAR TREK, it was at least fast-moving, brightly-colored and a heckuva lot of fun for the juvenile audience for which it was made. This spring blockbuster (the biggest ever released by New Line Cinema) seems confused about its audience; it's too dark and confusing for children, while its video-game graphics, zippy pacing, lack of character development and animated monkeys should turn off the majority of adult viewers.

It's hard to blame the cast though: Oscar-winner William Hurt plays the Robinson patriarch, with Mimi Rogers as his understanding wife, Matt LeBlanc as macho pilot Major Don West and perennial nutjob Gary Oldman walking the fence between menace and Harris swishy silliness as Dr. Zachary Smith. The film's real culprit is its screenwriter, Akiva Goldsman, who penned the shallow scripts for flawed studio product like BATMAN & ROBIN and two other Joel Schumacher movies based on John Grisham novels. LOST IN SPACE has no actual plot--it jumps around from set-piece to set-piece without once stopping to think, "Gee, just what would it be like if you were stranded in outer space with your family?"

LOVE POTION NUMBER 9 (1992)--Directed by Dale Launer. Stars Tate Donovan, Sandra Bullock, Dale Midkiff, Anne Bancroft, Mary Mara. This amusing but fluffy comedy will mostly be remembered as Bullock's first major movie lead. She plays a geeky scientist who falls for nerdy Donovan, and goes to a gypsy (Bancroft in a cameo) for a love potion that will cause him to fall in love with her. Directed, scripted and produced by the writer of DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS and MY COUSIN VINNY.

LOVE SCENES (1983)--Directed by Bud Townsend. Stars Franc Luz, Tiffany Bolling, Monique Gabrielle. The two sexy blond leads spend a lot of their screen time naked in this silly softcore sex movie about the making of a silly softcore sex movie. Some recognizable names put in appearances like Julie Newmar, Jack Carter and Britt Ekland. From the director of NIGHTMARE IN WAX.