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L.A. BOUNTY (1989)—Directed by Worth
Keeter. Stars Sybil Danning, Wings Hauser, Lenore Kasdorf. Statuesque Sybil co-wrote and co-produced this vanity
vehicle for her own company, Adventuress Productions. She makes Charles Bronson sound like Joe Pesci with her tight-lipped
performance as a cheroot-smoking badass ex-cop named Ruger who rescues the wife (Kasdorf) of a Los Angeles mayoral candidate
from a kidnapping. It’s minimalistic acting at its most extreme. Ruger’s foe is an eccentric drug
dealer named Cavanaugh, played charismatically by Hauser in a more restrained matter than you might expect, considering his
gonzo breakout performance as killer pimp Ramrod in the sleaze classic VICE SQUAD. I suspect Danning and co-writer/producer
Michael Leighton made Hauser’s character an artist solely as an excuse to show off a topless model every ten minutes.
Not only is Cavanaugh the politician’s kidnapper, but he also killed Ruger’s partner years earlier, so this case
is personal. You’ve seen this movie a thousand times. Besides Hauser’s congenial psycho, nothing in
it is particularly memorable, but action fans coming across it on cable (I saw it on the MGM HD channel) may enjoy it.
Also with Henry Darrow, Bob Minor, Robert Quarry, Robert Hanley, Frank Doubleday, and Branscombe Richmond.
L.A. CONFIDENTIAL (1997)--Directed by Curtis
Hanson. Stars Guy Pearce, Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe, James Cromwell. Absolutely spellbinding thriller set in 1950s Hollywood,
based upon James Ellroy's densely plotted novel. Hanson and co-screenwriter Brian Helgeland have done a marvelous job condensing
Ellroy's plot into a two-hours-plus narrative, dropping a number of characters, combining others into a tightly woven plot
that always makes sense while remaining dazzlingly complex. Often compared to CHINATOWN, the film is indeed worthy of that
honor. Pearce, Crowe and Spacey play Hollywood detectives, some more corrupt than others, at a time when corruption seemed
the norm among the police ranks. All three become involved in different ways with a bloody multiple-homicide in an L.A. diner,
and must eventually work together to solve the case and escape with their own lives. The three leads are all marvelous, but
the true pleasures in this film involve the dialogue, period detail, and watching the plot slowly unfold. Features a good
number of period songs on the soundtrack, and Jerry Goldsmith's score is among his best in years. Outstanding cast includes
Kim Basinger, David Strathairn, Ron Rifkin and Danny DeVito as a sleazy tabloid publisher who keeps Spacey on his payroll.
One of the best thrillers of the decade may become, in time, one of the greatest of all time.
L.A. HEAT (1989)—Directed by Joseph
Merhi. Stars Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs, Jim Brown. Tall ex-Sweathog Jacobs starred in and even directed a handful
of low-budget action clinkers for PM Entertainment. He played Detective Jon Chance in this bore that feels unfinished
with its laborious pacing, knot-headed scripting and amateurish sound. Chance, who fantasizes about being a cowboy,
chases a cop killer around Los Angeles, even after he’s suspended by his boss (Brown, who could have been playing Jacobs’
role a decade earlier). Chance is something of a chump who is regularly made to look foolish by his colleagues on the
force and the punk criminals, which I’m sure was not the filmmakers’ intention.
Merhi and his director of photography, Richard Pepin, who owned
PM (Pepin also directed features), got a lot better on budgets not much higher than L.A. HEAT’s, but their early features
are typically dull and cheap-looking. Jacobs also receives credits for associate producer and additional dialogue, not
that I can tell which parts of the bad script are his and which are screenwriter Charles Kanganis’. Profanity,
even tame words like “crap” and “damn”, and nudity are cut from the Madacy DVD, but the squibs remain.
Also with Jay Richardson, Robert Gallo, Pat Johnson and Raymond Martino, who went on to write and direct PM movies.
Jacobs played Chance in two more DTV cheapies.
L.A. STREETFIGHTERS (1985)—Directed by Woo-sang
Park. Stars Jun Chong, Phillip Rhee, James Lew, Rosanna King. Veteran Korean director Woo-sang made this terrible
martial arts pic in Los Angeles. What is more ridiculous—the ludicrous post-synched dialogue (though the original
actors appear to have spoken English on the set) or the casting of executive producer Chong, who appears to be pushing forty,
complete with mustache, as a high school student named—ahem—Young (Yung?). Young invites new kid Tony (Rhee,
later to star in four BEST OF THE BEST movies and direct two of them) to join his “good” gang, which hires itself
out as part-time security for parties. Tony begins dating Lily (King), which really pisses off her brother Chan (Lew),
the leader of the “bad” high school gang and Young’s rival. What follows is a series of clumsily choreographed
fight scenes, laughable villains (the blond guy with the cut-off shirt who menaces Young and Tony is incredibly lame), and
dumb plotting. Chong has some ludicrous scenes with his mother, played by a woman who looks younger than he does.
Brinke Stevens does a nude bathtub scene, and future-Biff Thomas Wilson (BACK TO THE FUTURE) makes his film debut. Loren
Avedon (KING OF THE KICKBOXERS) and Bill “Superfoot” Wallace also do some high-kicking. Woody Allen’s
A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S SEX COMEDY appears on a theater marquee.
LA 2017 (1971)—Directed by Steven Spielberg.
Stars Gene Barry, Barry Sullivan, Sharon Farrell, Severn Darden. Noted science fiction writer Philip Wylie (his 1930
novel GLADIATOR certainly inspired Shuster and Siegel’s Superman) penned this episode of Universal’s 90-minute
NBC crime drama THE NAME OF THE GAME, though my guess is producer Dean Hargrove gave it a good polishing before it went before
the cameras. Director Spielberg was 23 years old with only a MARCUS WELBY, M.D. and a segment of the NIGHT GALLERY pilot
movie under his belt, but here he mixes Big Ideas and polished filmmaking techniques like a seasoned pro.
Barry, Robert Stack, and Tony Franciosa were the rotating leads of
THE NAME OF THE GAME as members of the powerful Howard Publishing machine that investigated crime and corruption for issues
of its magazines. Barry is Glenn Howard, owner of the corporation, who falls asleep at the wheel driving home from an
ecology summit and crashes into a ditch. He wakes up 46 years in the future—the year 2017—to find the world
is in ecological ruin and only 3 million people remain. He’s taken to Los Angeles, now an underground society
run as a police state by avuncular Dane Bigelow (Sullivan) and a police force comprised of psychiatrists whose weapons contain
drugs, not bullets.
“LA 2017” is not particularly plot-heavy, though Howard’s
romance with Dane’s assistant Sandrelle (Farrell), who helps Howard defy the authorities, and his escape with the assistance
of rebels allow the episode to fit into the typical Universal TV formula. Where the episode really shines is in its
smaller details, such as a septuagenarian rock band that still plays ‘60s-style music and Bigelow’s reaction to
the death of his goldfish, one of a handful left in the world. Although they are the villains of Wylie’s piece,
Bigelow and Cameron (Darden), the doctor assigned to Howard’s care, are neither megalomaniacs nor madmen, which adds
credence to their reprehensible theories on class prejudice and forced sterilization.
While THE NAME OF THE GAME was one of TV’s highest budgeted
series of its time, the money Spielberg had to spend creating a dystopian future was still not a lot, but sets and costuming
are first-rate. A burned-out desert serves as a location, as does what appears to be a power plant that stands in for
squalid underground L.A. Camera angles are vivid, yet don’t call attention to themselves. As the episode
is Howard’s fantasy, it should have a look off the beaten path, which Spielberg instinctively understands.
Barry was a fine television actor who is handled well by Spielberg,
as is the rest of the cast. Even Farrell, an actress I don’t normally like, is more assured here than usual.
Also with Edmond O’Brien, Paul Stewart, Jason Wingreen, Geoffrey Lewis, Regis Cordic, and Louise Latham. Robert
Prince and Billy Goldenberg created the otherworldly music, which includes not just the score, but also the various Muzak
that plays incessantly underground to narcotize the citizenry.
Wylie died of a heart attack later in 1971, while Spielberg went on
to more Universal TV shows before making somewhat of a name for himself on DUEL (some of which is foreshadowed through his
direction of “LA 2017”’s car chase). I’m surprised Universal hasn’t released a DVD set
of Spielberg’s TV shows, which also include COLUMBO (which is on DVD), THE PSYCHIATRIST, and OWEN MARSHALL, COUNSELOR
AT LAW. Few television directors manage to stand out among their peers in a way that’s evident to the viewers
at home, and even though most of his episodic work took place within four walls without a lot of fancy action scenes, Spielberg
was one of them.
LADY BLUE (1985)--Directed by Gene Nelson.
Stars Jamie Rose, Danny Aiello, Tony LoBianco. The feature-length pilot for a short-lived ABC-TV series is a blatant ripoff
of DIRTY HARRY, even including a scene where the heroine prevents a robbery while eating (think DIRTY HARRY's great hotdog
scene)! Soap star Rose is indeed gorgeous as a flame-haired Chicago cop who carries a huge gun and chases drug dealers. Aiello
plays her boss, and LoBianco her lover. The series was considered the most violent on the air as long as it lasted. Also with
Jim Brown, Katy Jurado and Bibi Besch. Teleplay by Robert Vincent O'Neil (ANGEL). Produced by Herb Wallerstein. The director
was an ex-dancer and actor who helmed the "Gamesters of Triskelion" episode of STAR TREK.
LADY FRANKENSTEIN
(1971)--Directed by Mel Welles. Stars Joseph Cotten, Sara Bey, Paul Whiteman, Mickey Hargitay. Cotten has only a small role
in this silly Italian horror film as the Baron Frankenstein, who creates an artificial creature that kills him and terrorizes
the countryside. Frankenstein's lovely daughter (Bey) creates a second monster to kill the first one. There's plenty of gore
and nudity to keep your interest. The director was the flower shop owner in Roger Corman's LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. Also with
Herbert Fux and Paul Muller. Also known as MADAME FRANKENSTEIN, DAUGHTER OF FRANKENSTEIN and LA FIGLIA DI FRANKENSTEIN.
THE LADY IN RED (1979)—Directed by Lewis
Teague. Stars Pamela Sue Martin, Robert Conrad, Louise Fletcher. A smart script by John Sayles (PASSION FISH),
then a member of Roger Corman’s screenwriting stable, lends this period actioner some class. Martin, then something
of a name coming off the Nancy Drew TV series and a PLAYBOY spread, stars as Polly, the young acquaintance of gangster John
Dillinger who was by his side when he was shot down in Chicago in 1934. In actuality, the “Lady in Red”
was the moniker given to Anna Sage (Fletcher), the madam who informed the FBI of Dillinger’s whereabouts that day.
I guess Corman or Sayles liked the title, though, and manipulate the narrative so that it points towards Polly.
Martin is actually quite good as both the innocent who leaves a
rough home life with her abusive, religious father to make it on her own in the city and as the confident prostitute who learns
to toughen up behind bars. TV star Conrad has much less screen time than the film’s marketing lets on, but essays
the notorious baddie Dillinger as a happy-go-lucky guy who looks like more of a hero than the Feds who blow him away.
Teague throws in plenty of action and nudity to occupy the drive-in crowd, while the good performances and occasional humor
elevate the movie to one of New World’s classier releases. Christopher Lloyd (TAXI), Dick Miller, Robert Hogan,
Laurie Heineman, Mary Woronov, Nancy Parsons and especially Robert Forster (in an uncredited cameo done as a favor to Teague,
with whom he worked on AVALANCHE) are effective in support. Music by James Horner. Teague went on to direct Sayles’
critically acclaimed though short-lived TV series, SHANNON’S DEAL.
LADY TERMINATOR (1988)--Directed by H. Tjut Djalil.
Stars Barbara Anne Constable, Christopher Hart, Claudia Angelique Rademaker. It's difficult to describe in mere words
the insanity of this sleazy Indonesian horror/action fantasy. It's got more blood squibs this side of ROBOCOP and has
the gall to rip off THE TERMINATOR so shamelessly that one character actually says, in all seriousness, "Come with me if you
want to live." The plot in a nutshell: a sexually insatiable Indonesian queen, who uses her vagina to, um, emasculate
the men unable to satisfy her, is defeated by a suitor who pulls out of her a snake that turns into a magic dagger.
On her deathbed, she vows vengeance upon his great-granddaughter. 100 years later, Tania (Constable), a foxy skindiver
is possessed underwater by the evil spirit that straps the bikinied beauty to a bed and enters her through her genitalia.
Now demonically possessed, she walks naked onto the shore, has sex with and rips the cranks off a couple of drunks, then wanders
around Jakarta (I think, the film isn't very clear) looking for Erica (Rademaker) a sexy pop singer with big '80s hair.
The "Lady Terminator" is either naked or dressed in a halter-top, leather pants and thigh boots at all times. She runs
around the city with a huge machine gun killing hundreds of people while Erica and her new suitor, a bland blonde American
cop named Max (Hart) run away from her. Special effects aren't very special, dialogue is laughable, dubbing incomprehensible,
sleaze factor extremely high, body count even higher. Somehow Max's gun-toting pals (one of whom sports the most hideous
mullet you've ever seen) manage to transport a tank from the United States in a couple of hours, while Tania performs eye
surgery on herself in a dumpy hotel room. Also seen as NASTY HUNTER, LADY TERMINATOR received theatrical play here in
the States, and was even reviewed by the NEW YORK TIMES in 1989!
LADY WHIRLWIND (1972)—Directed by Feng Huang.
Stars Angela Mao, Yi Chang, Sammo Hung. AIP gave this popular Hong Kong film a respectable release on U.S. screens,
where it was often seen as DEEP THRUST. Mao (“Mistress of the Death Blow!”) stars as Miss Tien, a pissed-off
vengeance-obsessed firebrand who wants to put the big hurt on the guy (Chang) who rejected her sister and indirectly caused
her suicide. For his part, Yi appears properly broken up about it and doesn’t even seem to mind receiving an asskicking
from Tien. But first, he wants his revenge on a Japanese mobster whose goons jumped him and left him in a dry river
basin to die. The woman who found Yi and nursed him back to health pleads with Tien to spare his life…at least
for another day or two until he’s had the chance to kill his enemy. Yi and Mao are basically co-stars here, even
though the film is named for her (and “Lady Whirlwind” became the actress’ nickname as well). Yi receives
at least as much screen time (or so it seems), but Angela’s two fights with future HK superstar Hung (later to receive
his own CBS cop show) are the movie’s highlights. AIP must have had a hit, because none other than Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
picked up Angela’s next film, DEADLY CHINA DOLL.
THE LADYKILLERS (2004)--Directed by Ethan and Joel
Coen. Stars Tom Hanks, Irma P. Hall, Marlon Wayans, J.K. Simmons, Tzi Ma. I found this remake of Ealing's classic
1955 black comedy to be excruciatingly bad, the worst Coen Brothers film I've seen so far. Like their previous INTOLERABLE
CRUELTY, it's one of the few examples of the Coens working as directors-for-hire on studio projects created by someone else.
Neither film is up to the siblings' usual standards, but CRUELTY is at least watchable. THE LADYKILLERS is not.
Hanks pours on the syrup as a Southern rogue who rents a room in
the home of the long-widowed Marva Munson (Hall). He gets into the Christian woman's good graces by assembling his friends
into her cellar every night to practice playing chamber music. In actuality, he and his cronies, who include foul-mouthed
janitor Gawain (Wayans), movie special effects man Pancake (Simmons) and a Vietnamese general (Ma), are digging a tunnel from
Mrs. Munson's cellar into the vault of a nearby riverboat casino. Hanks is heavy on the brains and even heavier on the
Southern civility, which makes it difficult for him to do what must be done with Mrs. Munson when she stumbles onto their
scheme. Hall is very good and Hanks' mad overplaying is occasionally amusing, but the screenplay gives no one much to
do that is very funny, and Wayans' performance is every bit as pitiful as his work in DUNGEONS & DRAGONS. Music
is a combination of rousing gospel tunes and Carter Burwell's fine score. Also with George Wallace, Stephen Root, Blake
Clark and Ryan Hurst.
LAKEVIEW TERRACE (2008)—Directed by Neil
LaBute. Stars Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, Patrick Wilson. I think UNLAWFUL ENTRY did this material leaner, tighter,
and better. It’s more effective than you might expect from the writer of STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER and the director
of the wonky WICKER MAN remake, but you can safely pass on it. A very severe black policeman, Abel Turner (Jackson), resists
the new next-door neighbors in his swanky cul-de-sac: a lovely black woman, Lisa Mattson (Washington), and her white husband
Chris (Wilson). Turner’s efforts to drive the Mattsons out of the neighborhood escalate into racially tinged games of
WAR OF THE ROSES-like oneupsmanship that become increasingly dangerous. As the Cop From Hell, Jackson is effectively nuts,
but the movie’s simplistic approach to its racial themes are disappointing. Film makes a half-assed attempt to justify
Abel’s attitude—that he’s not really a bigot—but it doesn’t wash. The ending is particularly
stupid and encourages a leap of disbelief I wasn’t willing to take. Also with Jay Hernandez, Robert Pine, Justin Chambers,
Eva LaRue, and Ron Glass.
LAND OF THE DEAD (2005)--Directed by George A.
Romero. Stars Simon Baker, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento, John Leguizamo. The fourth in Romero's DEAD series, which
started in 1968 with the landmark NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, a black-and-white horror film so powerful that it's one of just
a handful of honored films locked away in the Library of Congress vault for preservation purposes. LAND is much different
from Romero's earlier zombie flicks, likely the result of having studio backing, a mandated R rating (the earlier films went
out unrated), shooting in Canada (Romero prefers his hometown of Pittsburgh) and a cast of name actors like Asia Argento and
Dennis Hopper. Despite that, Romero managed to release what is probably the goriest R-rated film I've seen in a theater
(either Universal greased some palms or the MPAA is just high) and an entertaining one. Plus, you'll see Tom Savini
reprising his role from 1979's DAWN OF THE DEAD as the Machete Biker Zombie.
Zombies are now the majority on Earth, and wealthy survivors have
walled themselves inside a luxury skyscraper called Fiddler's Green. Kaufman (Hopper), the imperious leader, hires mercenaries
like Riley (Baker) and Cholo (Leguizamo) to raid nearby cities for supplies using a supertank called Dead Reckoning for protection.
Tensions mount as Cholo decides he wants to become one of the elite, hijacks Dead Reckoning and threatens to destroy Fiddler's
Green unless Kaufman pays a ransom. Riley is assigned to retrieve the vehicle and stop Cholo, while managing to dodge
a zombie population that's beginning to grow as restless and impatient as Cholo. More action-oriented than earlier Romero
efforts, LAND was shot on a small budget, but manages to entertain and horrify. Baker (THE GUARDIAN) is an appealing
lead, and Argento is believable as both an ass-kicking chick and as eye candy. Also with Robert Joy, Eugene Clark, Peter
Outerbridge and Phil Fondacaro.
LAND OF THE FREE (1998)--Directed by Jerry
Jameson. Stars Jeff Speakman, William Shatner, Chris Lemmon, Charlie Robinson. PM Entertainment distributed this
direct-to-video thriller that doesn't quite live up to the standards of their in-house productions. Despite several
impressive car stunts and the formidable aikido skills of star Speakman, LAND OF THE FREE lacks the tight editing and slick
look that epitomize PM movies, and Stephen Cohn's score is one of the worst I've heard in some time.
Frank Jennings (Speakman), campaign manager for aspiring U.S. Senator
Aiden Carvell (Shatner), is approached by two FBI agents who claim his employer is receiving funding from an underground paramilitary
group that plans a coup of the United States. Frank disbelieves the charges, but reluctantly agrees to search Carvell's
computer, where he turns up enough evidence for the FBI to make an arrest. Fleeing into protective custody with his
wife and son, Jennings learns first-hand what long arms Carvell has, as his bitter ex-boss calls upon reinforcements that
include a corrupt FBI man (Lemmon, who was first directed by Jameson 20 years earlier in AIRPORT '77) and Carvell's head of
security (Robinson).
Speakman is a likable hero, and he's definitely imposing in his
martial-arts fights, but Jameson and scripter Maria James make his struggles look too easy. None of his hand-to-hand
opponents, including Shatner, proves to be anywhere close to his equal, and budgetary concerns cause the climactic assault
upon Shatner's ranch to lack the level of excitement it needs. And speaking of The One True Shatner, he plays his standard
heavy role straight for once and is fine, although, truthfully, a bit more ham might have added some color to the role as
penned by James. Look for cameos by Bernie Kopell (THE LOVE BOAT), Don Stroud (ANGEL UNCHAINED), Rance Howard and director
Arthur Hiller. Also with David Hart (IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT), Candice Azzara, Signy Coleman and Danny Breen (NOT NECESSARILY
THE NEWS). Jameson and co-producer Ronald Jacobs worked with Speakman again in RUNNING RED; the duo began together in
television back in the '60s.
THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (1975)--Directed
by Kevin Connor. Stars Doug McClure, Susan Penhaligon, John McEnery, Anthony Ainley. The first of many cheap, juvenile Amicus
adaptations of Edgar Rice Burroughs stories by director Connor and star McClure. During World War I, an American (McClure)
and an Englishwoman (Penhaligon) are taken aboard a German submarine captained by McEnery. The sub runs aground in a lost
prehistoric underground land, where McClure and company are attacked by dinosaurs and other monsters (played by cheap-looking
mechanical mockups). Check out the wires on the flying pterodactyls!
THE LAND UNKNOWN (1957)--Directed
by Virgil Vogel. Stars Jock Mahoney, William Reynolds, Shawn Smith, Phil Harvey, Henry Brandon. Medium-budgeted Universal-International
adventurer about a group of three Naval explorers (and one female reporter for sex appeal) investigating the South Pole who
crashland their helicopter into a prehistoric jungle 3000 feet below sea level and covered with layers of thick fog. There
they battle man-eating plants, flying lizards, T-Rexes and a crazed survivor (Brandon) of another plane crash 12 years earlier.
The sets, atmosphere and effects are pretty good, although the dinosaur is of the man-in-a-suit variety. Producer William
Alland claimed the FX were so extraordinary they would make stop-motion animated effects obsolete, but tell that to Ray Harryhausen!
Mahoney makes a dull hero in this one; he spends much of the movie lecturing his fellow castaways about one damn thing or
another. Was released in CinemaScope, so see it in a letterboxed edition if you can. I caught it on American Movie Classics
at 4 A.M.! Reynolds later served six seasons as Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.'s partner on THE F.B.I. Director Vogel used his middle
initial (W) when directing countless TV shows in the '60s and '70s.
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER--See
TOMB RAIDER.
LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE--See
TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE.
LASERBLAST (1978)--Directed by Michael Rae.
Stars Kim Milford, Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, Roddy McDowall. I don't know who Rae is, but he sure has a sure hand with
explosives. Two stop-motion aliens (animated by David Allen) zap a mutant in the desert and fly away in their spaceship,
leaving behind a strange laser gun. Wimpy teen Milford finds it and uses it to wipe out everyone who picks on him, including
some pot-smoking cops and teen rapist Eddie Deezen. Girlfriend Smith is sympathetic up to a point. The many explosions
are very cool (some appear to have been filmed on a studio lot that doesn't match the rest of the town), but the pacing and
scripting are quite weak. McDowall puts in an appearance as the town doctor. Also with Ron Masak, Keenan Wynn,
Dennis Burkley and Gianni Russo. Produced by Empire/Full Moon magnate Charles Band. Music by Joel Goldsmith and
Richard Band.
LAST ACTION HERO (1993)--Directed by John
McTiernan. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Dance, Austin O'Brien. Columbia spent over $100 million on this notorious
box-office failure that attempted to blend fantasy with reality. A kid who loves action movies (OB'rien) buys a magic ticket
to see the latest JACK SLADE picture at the local bijou. The ticket allows the fictional Slade (Schwarzenegger) to cross over
into our world, where Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real person. An arrogant English bad guy (Dance) also enters the real-life
New York City, and begins causing mayhem and destruction. A pair of college students originally scripted this over-indulgent
blockbuster as a parody of action films, and at times it seems like McTiernan and Schwarzenegger are steering in the right
direction, but the movie eventually runs of steam, and becomes the type of film it wanted to spoof. Anthony Quinn, Art Carney,
Mercedes Ruehl, F. Murray Abraham, Tom Noonan, Bridgette Wilson, Frank McRae and Colleen Camp co-star, with pointless cameos
by Sharon Stone, Chevy Chase, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Tony Curtis, Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Damon Wayans, Danny DeVito
as the voice of a cartoon kitty and Arnold's real-life wife Maria Shriver. Music by Michael Kamen. William Goldman did an
uncredited polish on the script by Zak Penn & Adam Leff and Shane Black & David Arnott.
THE LAST AMERICAN
VIRGIN (1982)--Directed by Boaz Davidson. Stars Lawrence Monoson, Diane Franklin, Steve Antin, Joe Rubbo, Louisa
Moritz. Israeli filmmaker Davidson's schizophrenic teen sex comedy is one of the era's most unusual, mixing the usual
juvenile hijinks about drinking and getting laid with a surprisingly mature teen pregnancy subplot and downbeat finale.
Nerdy Gary (Monoson), stud Rick (Antin) and fat David (Rubbo) are high-school buddies who spend most of their time...check
that...make that "all" of their time thinking about girls and how to have sex with them. While Rick and David do okay
with the ladies, albeit in a slightly underhanded way, feeding Sweet 'N' Low to a couple of ditsy chicks starving for cocaine,
for instance, Gary is still a virgin who can't even score with the cokeheads' fat friend. Of course, he doesn't exactly
have the best luck either; his tryst with a Latin nymphomaniac (Moritz) is interrupted when her longshoreman boyfriend returns
home early, and he vomits during a liaison with a foulmouthed hooker who gives him and his pals crabs. There's only
one girl Gary wants anyway: beautiful Karen (Franklin), the new girl in school who only has eyes for Rick.
THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN is unusual in that its uneasy blend of
raunchy humor and heavy dramatics is both its main flaw and what sets it apart from the myriad of similar movies that came
out around the same time. Writer Cameron Crowe and director Any Heckerling managed to do it successfully in FAST TIMES
AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, which added another ahead-of-its-time twist by making his female characters as interested in and curious
about sex as the boys. Davidson, who also scripted VIRGIN, seems less confident in his vision, creating several slapstick
setpieces aimed at satisfying the rowdy urges of his teenaged audience, rather than carefully crafting the dramatic moments,
which occur only the final half-hour. VIRGIN is simultaneously among the most and least realistic youth comedies of
the early 1980's; while few of us spent high school in bed with hot-blooded older women or in the drugstore nervously buying
ointment for our STD, who among us can say he never experienced the heartache of loving someone who not only didn't love us
back, but instead fell for a guy so obviously wrong for her? Since VIRGIN is a Cannon film, there obviously were commercial
considerations Davidson had to make, but it's interesting to consider what a more serious film by him on the same subject
would be like.
VIRGIN also capitalizes on its outstanding song score, comprised
of hits (21 of them, according to the trailer) by major artists of the period, including Journey ("Open Arms"), REO Speedwagon
("Keep On Lovin' You"), The Cars ("Shake It Up"), The Commodores ("Oh No"), The Waitresses ("I Know What Boys Like"), Devo
("Whip It") and even U2 ("I Will Follow"). It also provides copious nudity, some of it in the shapely form of Diane
Franklin, who became one of the decade's favorite heartthrobs on the basis of this film and BETTER OFF DEAD, in which she
played a French student who drew the loving gaze of John Cusack. With little character to play and not a lot of screen
time in the first hour, Franklin engenders enormous sympathy (partially because of one ill-placed nude scene that comes across
as uncomfortable, rather than titillating, due to the material that surrounds it), which makes Davidson's final shot a tough
blow for the audience to recover from.
Gerri Idol, Kimmy Robertson (TWIN PEAKS), Tessa Richarde, Brian
Peck, Phil Rubenstein and Mel Welles (LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) also appear in this Golan-Globus production. THE LAST
AMERICAN VIRGIN received widespread play on HBO in the early 1980's, as well as an MGM home video release, but has been extremely
difficult to see since the VHS tape went out of print. It's now available on DVD from MGM Home Video, complete with
all the original songs (music rights have reportedly kept it out of print all these years), which sound terrific on the disc's
Stereo Surround track. Both full-frame and 1.85:1 (16x9 enhanced) versions are available, and English, French and Spanish
subtitles are included. Cannon's original trailer really plays up the hit soundtrack and provides no indication of the
heavy drama VIRGIN's second half offers.
LAST ASSASSINS (1996)--Directed by William
H. Molina. Stars Nancy Allen, Lance Henriksen, Dean Scofield. An excellent example of a great actor enlivening
a routine-at-best thriller. Henriksen, as usual, steals the film as McBride, a corrupt government agent who kidnaps
the young daughter of one of his assassins, Anna (Allen), in exchange for a secret file mapping the location of nuclear warheads
buried in a forgotten military installation. Most of the film takes place at Cliff 7, where Allen and a regular-guy
bush pilot (Scofield) she hired to fly her to the desert location attempt to hold off Henriksen's forces. Shot mostly
at Vasquez Rocks near Los Angeles, LAST ASSASSINS (the bogus title makes little sense; it was filmed as DUSTING CLIFF 7) is
thin on plot, and Allen is miscast, but Henriksen manages to squeeze more humanity and even humor out of his character than
the screenplay (credited to four individuals, including Molina) creates. Also with Ashley Buccille, Floyd "Red Crow"
Westerman and Scott Lincoln.
THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991)--Directed by Tony
Scott. Stars Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans. I was pretty bored by this popular, slick-looking and generic big-budget action film
starring Willis as a maverick Secret Service agent who teams up Wayans as a former drug addict/pro football player to battle
an evil NFL owner. LETHAL WEAPON scripter Shane Black received a then-record $1.75 million for this derivative screenplay
which doesnt boast one original character, plot twist or line of dialogue. Halle Berry has one of her first major roles as
a stripper who gets killed off early. With Chelsea Field, Taylor Negron, Kim Coates, Dick Butkus, Billy Blanks and Noble Willingham
(WALKER, TEXAS RANGER) as the main heavy. Music by Michael Kamen.
LAST CALL (1990)--Directed by Jag
Mundhra. Stars Shannon Tweed, William Katt, Joseph Campanella, Stella Stevens. Boring erotic thriller stars statuesque Shannon
as a knife-tossing stripper and TV's Greatest American Hero as the schlep who gets mixed up with her. Shannon spends much
of her time naked, which is why you're watching this in the first place.
THE LAST CASTLE (2001)--Directed by Rod Lurie.
Stars Robert Redford, James Gandolfini. General Gene Irwin (Redford) is court-martialed and sentenced to the military
prison run by warden Colonel Winter (Gandolfini). Winter, who never served in combat, deeply admires the three-star
general and is a student of Irwin’s brilliant military strategies and tactics. Winter is also a petty man who
chooses to abuse his power over the inmates, spurring the charismatic Irwin to take charge of the prisoners and revolt against
their captors. Lurie isn’t particularly subtle, but the melodrama moves well and is often exciting, if not implausible.
Also with Mark Ruffalo, Delroy Lindo, Frank Military and Clifton Collins Jr. Good score by Jerry Goldsmith.
THE LAST CHASE (1981)--Directed by Martyn Burke.
Stars Lee Majors, Burgess Meredith, Chris Makepeace. This Canadian sci-fi movie is ripe for a remake. It has a
great concept for a thrilling action movie—and its message is as timely as ever—but Burke, whether through numb
scripting, a woeful budget, or just slack direction, turns in a real lemon. Twenty years after cars have been outlawed
due to an oil shortage, former racecar driver Frank Hart (Majors) assembles his old Porsche and drives it cross-country in
search of a “free” California, which appears to be an antidote to the totalitarian government that rules the rest
of the U.S. Assigned to stop Hart and Ring (Makepeace), a teenage stowaway, is Captain Williams (Meredith), an American
war hero who chases the Porsche in a revamped jet fighter. What could have been an entertaining take on DEATH RACE 2000
and SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT is instead an inert mess that doesn’t follow through on any of its ideas. The entire
government appears to be run by one guy in a computer control room, and though Majors’ trek is supposed to be some kind
of propaganda, so far as we know, no one in the U.S. knows anything about it. Plus, Majors is miscast as an iconoclast,
while Meredith is just downright silly. Music by Gil Melle.
THE LAST CHILD (1971)--Directed by John Llewellyn
Moxey. Stars Michael Cole, Janet Margolin, Edward Asner, Van Heflin. Pretty good made-for-TV movie set in the future (1994)
in which it is illegal for a couple to have more than one child. When Cole and Margolin become pregnant with their second
baby, they flee to the more tolerant Canada, and are pursued by U.S. agent Asner. Not really a chase movie, Peter S. Fischer's
teleplay is more sensitive and thoughtful than you might expect from the plot description. Heflin (in his last role) is very
good as a sympathetic politician. Also with Barbara Babcock, Harry Guardino and Kent Smith.
THE LAST DETAIL
(1973)--Directed by Hal Ashby. Stars Jack Nicholson, Otis Young, Randy Quaid. Nicholson gave one of his greatest performances
as career Navy man "Badass" Buddusky, who is assigned along with Young to transport an 18-year-old sailor (Quaid) to jail
to begin serving an eight-year sentence for stealing forty dollars from a church fund. The sailors take pity on Quaid, and
spend his last weekend as a free man introducing him to drinking, fighting and sex. Screenplay by Robert Towne has a lot of
funny and touching scenes and was notorious for its profane, but realistic, dialogue. Based upon a novel by Darryl Ponicsan,
whose CINDERELLA LIBERTY was turned into a movie starring James Caan the same year. Look for Michael Moriarty, Gilda Radner,
Carol Kane and Nancy Allen in small roles. From the director of COMING HOME.
THE LAST DRAGON (1985)--Directed
by Michael Schultz. Stars Taimak, Vanity, Julius J. Carry III, Chris Murney, Faith Prince. PG-rated musical/romance/martial-arts/blaxploitation
film about a naive karate student (Taimak) who protects a beautiful club DJ (Vanity) from both a ruthless agent (Leo O'Brien)
who forces her to play his clients' records and a gang leader named The Shogun (Carry). The action scenes are smooth enough,
but the script is full of holes, the plotline involving the sleazy agent is dull, and the acting by the two leads is downright
awful. Carry is pretty good though; he later became Bruce Campbell's sidekick on THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY, JR. Songs
include "Rhythm of the Night" by DeBarge. From the director of CAR WASH.
LAST EMBRACE (1979)--Directed
by Jonathan Demme. Stars Roy Scheider, Janet Margolin. Pretty good Hitchcockian thriller, although it more closely resembles
the work of Brian DePalma than ol' Hitch himself. Scheider is an American agent who has just been released from a three-month
stay in a sanitarium following the murder of his wife. He becomes suspicious of his employers when they refuse to give him
a new mission, and, in fact, suspects that they are trying to kill him. He also becomes involved with a cute graduate student
(Margolin) who has moved into his apartment during his absence, and grows more paranoid when he receives a note in Hebrew
signed by the "Avenger of Blood". The plot grows more complicated, and many characters are not whom they seem in David Shaber's
screenplay, which climaxes at Niagara Falls. Tak Fujimoto, who has shot most of Demme's features, keeps the camera moving
almost constantly, and Demme adds many very clever directorial touches, including a number of Hitchcock allusions. Miklos
Rosza scores in the great tradition of Bernard Herrmann. Scheider is very good (his next role--in ALL THAT JAZZ--would earn
him an Oscar nomination), but Margolin steals the picture in many ways in a difficult and well-written role. It's a shame
she never became a bigger star; she certainly, like Jessica Harper and others, had the skills, but perhaps not the glamour.
She died of cancer in 1993 at the age of 50. Also with John Glover, Christopher Walken, Charles Napier, Max Wright and Mandy
Patinkin.
THE LAST HORROR FILM (1984)--Directed by David Winters. Stars Joe Spinell, Caroline Munro,
Judd Hamilton. Opens with a naked woman being zapped to death in a hot tub, and rapidly goes downhill from there. TAXI DRIVER
was the obvious inspiration for this poorly directed, suspenseless whodunit set at Cannes during its annual film festival.
Spinell plays Vinny Durand, a sweaty, whimpering cabbie who masturbates during horror movies. He's obsessed with horror movie
actress Jana Bates (Munro), and stalks her while she's at Cannes to collect a Best Actress award (beating out Faye Dunaway,
Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda and Sally Field!) for her latest slasher. Meanwhile, an unknown assailant is bumping many of her
peers off in various bloody ways Padded with stock footage shot during the real 1981 Cannes Film Festival, this is an obvious
vanity project for Winters and Hamilton (the two also wrote and produced), although neither shows much talent. Spinell does
what he can, although he's really just recycling his Frank Zito character from (the much better) MANIAC. Munro, who also appeared
in MANIAC, looks good, but isn't given much of a character to play, and the killer's identity is pretty easy to figure out.
Winters also plays a sleazy horror director, Spinell's real-life mom Mary plays Mrs. Durand, and June Chadwick and Robin Leach
appear as entertainment reporters. Hamilton, who also shows little skill as an actor, was Munro's real-life husband. Winters--a
former actor, choreographer and director of episodes of THE MONKEES--went on to helm a whole slew of terrible action flicks
for Action International Pictures during the '80s.
THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)--Directed by
Wes Craven. Stars David A. Hess, Fred Lincoln, Jeramie Ran, Marc Sheffler. Reprehensible thriller about two teenage girls
who are raped, tortured, and murdered by four maniacs. The killers later break into a house; coincidentally, it's the house
where the parents of one of the girls live and they want revenge. Low-budget feature is crudely made, and you'll feel awful,
not entertained, when you see how cruelly the teenage girls are treated. Produced by Sean Cunningham, who made FRIDAY THE
13TH.
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (1964)--Directed by Ubaldo Ragona and Sidney Salkow. Stars Vincent Price,
Emma Danieli, Giacomo Rossi Stuart. Adaptation of Richard Matheson's novel I AM LEGEND, which was remade in 1971 as THE OMEGA
MAN with Charlton Heston. Price has been criticized as being miscast in this movie, but I thought he was just fine in this
Italian sci-fi/horror as the only survivor of a worldwide plague that has turned the Earth's populace into vampire zombies
that come out only at night. Price's days are filled by driving around a deserted city searching grid by grid for the vampires'
nesting place, while drowning out the sounds of his tormentors at night by playing classical music records loudly. Matheson
(who co-wrote the screenplay using his Logan Swanson moniker) is reportedly not fond of the movie, but I thought it was alternately
creepy and provoking. Salkow was brought in post-production to reshoot some inserts and added scenes for American audiences.
LAST MAN STANDING (1996)--Directed by Joseph Merhi. Stars Jeff Wincott, Jillian McWhirter, Jonathan
Fuller, Jonathan Banks, Steve Eastin. If you check your brain at the door, you might get some kicks out of this slick actioner
from PM Entertainment starring direct-to-video regular Wincott as a detective on the run. No cliches are left unturned as
maverick cop Wincott and his older, wiser, soon-to-retire-and-write-a-book partner Banks (48 HOURS) investigate a simple disturbance
call at a Long Beach hotel and end up in a massive gunfight with a gang of bank robbers led by long-haired Fuller. What appears
to be several hundred thousand dollars lying around at the scene turns out to be about $3000 when the evidence turns up at
the police station, and Wincott suspects detective Eastin of being dirty--suspicions that grow when Banks is killed a night
later. Soon Wincott, with wife McWhirter in tow, is on the run from both the bank robbers and members of his own police force,
all with their own motives for wanting Wincott dead.
I won't even start listing the massive holes in director Merhi's
script, since that would take most of the day, but I will admit they didn't bother me a whole lot--they really aren't any
worse than your average episode of HARDCASTLE & MCCORMICK, for instance. PM's trademark car chases, wild stunts, explosions
and lots of breaking glass keeps your senses too busy to spend much time wondering how the bad guys managed to blow up an
entire barn without being noticed by anyone or why they failed to sabotage Wincott's car to make sure he couldn't get away.
Oops, sorry, I promised I wouldn't mention plotholes. Wincott is a pretty decent actor as DTV action stars go, probably because
his background is in acting, rather than athletics or martial arts like so many others (he was a Canadian television star
in the '80s), and he's got a bit of acting range and a sense of humor to go along with his solid action credentials. McWhirter
is an interesting change of pace as the female lead; we normally see models or impossibly gorgeous women cast in parts like
this, but McWhirter, while attractive, also possesses a down-home demeanor and a verisimilitude unusual to the genre. It's
also refreshing to see a woman with natural-looking breasts doing nude scenes these days. It's interesting to learn that human
beings can smash through as many glass windows, partitions or sculptures as they want and never get cut and that corrupt cops
can get fake FBI credentials for their hired assassins to flash. Oh, right, those naughty holes again...
The supporting
cast includes several recognizable faces like Robert LaSardo, PLAYBOY Playmate Ava Fabian and Hugh Hefner lookalike Michael
Greene, and frequent PM screenwriter Jacobsen Hart has a bit part as a nerdy hotel manager. Merhi and partner Richard Pepin
are the rare studio bosses who also write and direct the films their company makes (Troma's Lloyd Kaufman is another). The
typically bland synth action music is by Louis Febre, who's practically the PM house composer, scoring over a dozen of their
films.
LAST MAN STANDING (1996)--Directed by Walter Hill. Stars Bruce Willis, Christopher Walken,
Bruce Dern, David Patrick Kelly. YOJIMBO, gangster style. The Japanese classic is remade by writer/director Hill as a 1930s
period piece set in an almost-deserted West Texas town pitting an Irish gang against a band of Italian mobsters. In the middle:
monosyllabic drifter John Smith (Willis), who passes through tiny Jericho on his way to Mexico, and decides to make a few
bucks and kill more than a few bad guys along the way. The film's major flaw is this: there seems to be only a handful of
townspeople (actually we see lots more gangsters than townfolk), so why do both sides want control of this jerkwater town
so badly? It's in the middle of the desert fifty miles from the Mexican border. Willis seems to be acting in Stallone/Seagal
mode; everything is a mumble, and much of his dialogue (what little there is) is pretentious. Dern is good as the town's corrupt
sheriff, and Hill still directs action scenes about as well as anybody, but there isn't much of anything interesting going
on here. If you're not interested in the Japanese original, check out Sergio Leone's Italian remake A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS instead,
the film that put Clint Eastwood on the map. Also with William Sanderson, Leslie Mann and Karina Lombard. Good score by Ry
Cooder.
THE LAST OF SHEILA (1973)--Directed by Herbert
Ross. Stars James Coburn, Richard Benjamin, Joan Hackett, Raquel Welch, Ian McShane, Dyan Cannon, James Mason.
This cinematic jigsaw puzzle, penned by composer Stephen Sondheim and PSYCHO star Anthony Perkins, ought to delight mystery
fans. It's a very intricate and twist-filled tales of gamesmanship and murder, played wittily by an accomplished cast.
One year after his wife Sheila was killed in a hit-and-run accident,
wealthy film producer Clinton (Coburn) invites six of his friends to spend a week on his yacht in the South of France.
He suspects one of them of being the killer, and arranges a game designed to reveal his or her identity. Each of the
six is given a "secret"--an informer, a shoplifter, a homosexual, etc. The object is for each player to discover everyone
else's secret, one per night, in a series of elaborate, dress-up hide-and-seek scenarios, including one in a spooky abandoned
abbey. It doesn't take long for some of the players to deduce Clinton's ultimate goal, and when he is murdered by one
of them, the pieces slowly begin to snap together.
The six players are down-and-out screenwriter Tom (Benjamin) and his
wife Lee (Hackett); Philip (Mason), a lowly director of TV commercials; wisecracking talent agent Christine (Cannon); and
starlet Alice (Welch) and her shady manager-husband Anthony (McShane). All have something to hide, secrets that become
exposed in the manner of a classic Agatha Christie drawing-room mystery, as the Hollywood sophisticates pour themselves drinks
and react to news that would shock a normal person with an urbane élan. Of course, one key to a successful mystery is
that the pieces must logically fit together with a bare minimum of holes (if any), and SHEILA is successful in that regard.
My main quibble is that the killer's identity is revealed much too soon--before Coburn is even killed, in fact--through a
giveaway clue that perhaps Sondheim and Perkins should have held in their back pocket.
Ross directs his stars with a light touch, with only Welch's usual
stiffness seeming out of place among heavyweights like Coburn and Mason. Of course, she makes up for it by appearing
in a bikini (as does Cannon, for that matter). Billy Goldenberg composed the score, and future director Joel Schumacher
(PHONE BOOTH) designed the costumes. Also with Yvonne Romain of Hammer's CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF. Ross, who died
in 2001, did FUNNY LADY next.
THE LAST OF THE FINEST (1990)--Directed by
John Mackenzie. Stars Brian Dennehy, Joe Pantoliano, Jeff Fahey, Bill Paxton. In the wake of the Iran-Contra scandal came
this cops-and-robbers thriller that attempted to draw the audience's attention to the corruption and double-dealing that infects
our national government. Although Mackenzie's film is pretty much the same bang-bang stuff we've all seen before, the added
effort and political twist rates it a bit better than routine. Dennehy and his elite unit of LAPD are bounced from the force
following a drug bust gone badly. After one of our heroes is killed, they decide to go after the kingpin himself (who's hooked
up with some very important government bigwigs), but find themselves as targets after ripping him off for $22 million. Centering
the film is a typically fine performance by Dennehy, who manages to be tough and sensitive at the same time. None of the actors
playing Dennehy's partners were major names at the time (although they had many years of Hollywood experience under their
belts), so it's neat to see Pantoliano, Paxton and Fahey (despite his miscasting as an Hispanic!) when they were younger and
still sharpening their skills. Also with Henry Darrow, Michael C. Gwynne, Deborra-Lee Furness, Lisa Jane Persky, Pamela Gidley,
Guy Boyd and Xander Berkeley. Music by Jack Nitzsche and Michael Hoenig. Co-scripter George Armitage was a writer/director
of AIP blaxploitation flicks during the '70s, and directed John Cusack's hit GROSSE POINTE BLANK in '97.
THE
LAST PICTURE SHOW (1971)--Directed by Peter Bogdanovich. Stars Jeff Bridges, Timothy Bottoms, Cybill Shepherd, Cloris
Leachman, Ben Johnson, Eileen Brennan, Ellen Burstyn, Randy Quaid, Clu Gulager. Excellent drama about a group of teenagers
in a small Texas town in the early 1950s. Has all the elements of a cheesy soap opera, but the acting, writing, sets and direction
all come together to make one of the most powerful films of the seventies. Bogdanovich and Larry McMurtry scripted from McMurtry's
novel. Leachman and Johnson won Academy Awards. Was Shepherd's film debut. She and Bogdanovich quickly became an item off
the set.
LAST RESORT (1986)--Directed by Zane Busby. Stars Charles Grodin, Robin Pearson Rose,
Gerrit Graham, John Ashton. This might have been Roger Corman’s attempt at ripping off NATIONAL LAMPOON’S
VACATION, though it plays more like CLUB PARADISE, and I don’t think even Roger would want to rip off CLUB PARADISE.
Julie Corman produced this desperate comedy about a middle-class Chicago family that takes a vacation on a Caribbean island
resort that isn’t quite as swanky as it’s described in the brochure. Considering its 75-minute running time
and the number of scenes in the trailer that aren’t in the movie, Corman may have bumped aside first-time director Busby
to do some late-in-the-game fine-tuning.
There’s no story; instead, writers Jeff Buhai and Steve
Zacharias (REVENGE OF THE NERDS) assemble a bunch of drug, sex and slapstick gags and rely on the surprisingly efficient cast
to make them work. Grodin as the patriarch manages to pull off a few laughs, and I really liked the bubbly Rose as his
wife. LAST RESORT may be more notable for featuring familiar faces in early roles, such as Jon Lovitz, Phil Hartman,
Megan Mullally (WILL & GRACE), Brenda Bakke and Mario Van Peebles as a swishy counselor. Busby, who went on to direct
many sitcoms, also appears as the camp babysitter. LAST RESORT looks incredibly cheap, and I’m surprised Grodin
wasn’t getting a better offer than this lumpy Concorde comedy.
THE LAST SHARK--See GREAT WHITE.
THE LAST SHOT (2004)--Directed by Jeff Nathanson.
Stars Alec Baldwin, Matthew Broderick, Toni Collette, Calista Flockhart, Tony Shalhoub, Ray Liotta. Disney dumped this
comedy into just a handful of theaters in the fall of 2004. I'm not sure why it handled this $40 million comedy's theatrical
chances so poorly, although it isn't likely to have been a big hit anyway. Not that it isn't entertaining--it is, mostly--but
films about filmmaking have historically not been big moneymakers, and without any major stars, THE LAST SHOT's box-office
potential likely wasn't there.
Written and directed by Jeff Nathanson, who penned Steven Spielberg's
hit CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, THE LAST SHOT is a truth-is-stranger-than-fiction tale of an FBI agent (Alec Baldwin) who concocts
a sting operation to capture corrupt Teamsters redhanded by luring them into a film production. Since the FBI doesn't
make movies, Baldwin convinces a has-been director (Matthew Broderick) that he's a producer and wants to make Broderick's
screenplay--ARIZONA, about a cancer-stricken woman's trek through the deserts--on location...in Rhode Island...with a Providence
landfill subbing for the Arizona desert. Broderick is as fooled by Baldwin's blather as the mobster (Tony Shalhoub)
being lured in, which leads to some real friction when Baldwin actually befriends the naïve director and regrets pulling the
wool over his eyes.
Some of Nathanson's material is funny stuff, particularly the dialogue
and Joan Cusack's hilariously profane cameo as a ballbusting producer ("You wanna eat lunch off of my ass? I thought you were
kosher."). Baldwin is a very good comic actor who doesn't get a chance to demonstrate it as much as he should.
Toni Collette (THE SIXTH SENSE) is terrific as a high-maintenance leading lady, while Buck Henry (Uncle Roy!), Tim Blake Nelson,
James Rebhorn and Glenn Morshower provide strong support. As does an unbilled Eric Roberts, bravely being a good sport
and allowing himself to be mocked doing what Eric Roberts does best.
THE LAST SIEGE (2002)--Directed by Worth Keeter.
Stars Jeff Fahey, Ernie Hudson, Brent Huff, Beth Toussaint. DIE HARD on a train. Isn't that what UNDER SIEGE II
was? Ah, that explains the title! A passenger train on which a black senator (Hudson) and his entourage are traveling
is hijacked by a paramilitary group commanded by David Anderson (Huff) and held hostage with a nuclear bomb. Unluckily
for Anderson, who just happens to be aboard but his old foe Eddie Lyman (Fahey), an Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms agent
who just happens to be dating Hudson's assistant (Toussaint). THE LAST SIEGE is as much a disaster movie as action film,
since it establishes a bunch of extraneous characters who exist only in Steve Latshaw's screenplay to get bumped off by the
baddies. Latshaw has certainly penned his share of derivative direct-to-video action movies, but this one is worse than
most, hampered by Keeter's frustrated direction and a woefully low budget. The climactic train crash is expressed by
shaking the camera and placing the actors in a forced perspective exterior shot with an obvious model, while the cardboard
sets and lack of background extras fail to furnish some needed production value. The actors do what they can, but none
are particularly interesting, not even Fahey, who has been known to mug it up. Also with Larry Manetti (MAGNUM, P.I.),
Rosalind Allen (SEAQUEST DSV), Patrick Kilpatrick, James Stephens (THE PAPER CHASE), Michael Monks (who won an Emmy for THE
PRACTICE), Frank McRae (USED CARS) and Ernie Hudson, Jr. Music by David and Eric Wurst. Filmed as HIJACK.
Fahey and Hudson also worked together in OPERATION DELTA FORCE.
THE LAST STARFIGHTER (1985)--Directed by Nick
Castle. Stars Robert Preston, Lance Guest, Dan O'Herlihy, Catherine Mary Stewart, Barbara Bosson. Kids should enjoy this fun
sci-fi adventure about a teenage video-game wiz (Guest) who is recruited by alien Preston to fight an invading force of evil
aliens. So his family and friends on Earth won't miss Guest, a robot duplicate replaces him. Stewart is cute and perky as
Guest's confused girlfriend. One of the earliest examples of computer-generated special effects. Castle is a protg of Steven
Spielberg.
THE LAST SUPPER (1996)--Directed by Stacy Title. Stars Courtney B. Vance, Cameron Diaz,
Annabeth Gish. Preachy film about five roommates, all graduate students and all liberals, who decide the world would be better
off if those with right-wing beliefs were killed off. So they invite a succession of those with opposing viewpoints over for
dinner (a homophobic priest, a book-burner, a male with chauvinistic views on rape, etc.) and poison them. Film goes on a
little too long, and some of the students become annoying, but the concept is an interesting one, and the name actors playing
the victims in cameos (including Charles Durning, Jason Alexander and Mark Harmon) are entertaining. Bill Paxton (as a racist
truck driver) and Ron Perlman (as a Rush Limbaugh-type broadcaster) stand out.
LATITUDE ZERO (1969)--Directed by Ishiro Honda.
Stars Joseph Cotten, Cesar Romero, Richard Jaeckel, Linda Haynes, Patricia Medina, Akira Takarada, Masumi Okada. Toho
made this entertaining Jules-Verne-inspired undersea adventure. The Nemo-esque Craig McKenzie (Cotten) rescues a trio
of scientists whose bathysphere is endangered by a volcano eruption. McKenzie brings the three aboard his submarine
and takes them to Latitude Zero, an elaborate underwater city protected by a waterproof and shockproof dome. Most of
the population seems to be famous scientists and artists who were believed to be missing or dead, as well as sexy women in
miniskirts. Even after all this (admittedly overwhelming) evidence, the three men, including American Perry Lawton (Jaeckel),
are hesitant to believe McKenzie’s claims of being 200 years old. They do offer to chip in on a rescue mission
when McKenzie’s equally elderly but more deadly archenemy Malic (Romero) kidnaps another prominent scientist en route
to Latitude Zero. Malic also operates from a secret base, which houses his alluring sidekick Lucretia (Medina) and some
homemade monsters, including walking bat-men, giant rats and a flying lion with wings. GODZILLA vets Eiji Tsuburaya
and Akira Ifukube contribute exciting special effects and music, respectively. I was surprised to hear some minor swearing
in the G-rated American dubbing, but the movie is still kid-friendly. It didn’t open in New York until Christmas
1970, where it played on a double bill with the M-rated Italian western DAY OF ANGER.
THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN (1974)--Directed by
Stuart Rosenberg. Stars Walter Matthau, Bruce Dern. During the early 1970's, Walter Matthau starred in three excellent
crime dramas, more or less consecutively. Best known, of course, as a comedic character actor, Matthau's gruff demeanor
and hangdog stage manner were perfectly suited to the tough, gritty milieu of urban cops and criminals, particularly those
with dry senses of humor. THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE and CHARLEY VARRICK are the best of the three, but THE
LAUGHING POLICEMAN is no slouch either, an absorbing mystery with an outstanding supporting cast for Matthau to play off of.
A black-gloved individual using a "grease gun" slaughters eight
people, including the driver, on a San Francisco city bus. Leading the investigation is Lieutenant Jake Martin (Matthau),
who is nonplussed to discover that one of the victims is his partner, Dave Evans, who was supposed to have been on vacation.
A visit to Dave's girlfriend Kay (Cathy Lee Crosby, soon to play Wonder Woman in a failed TV pilot) reveals that the two were
having problems in the bedroom and that Evans was obsessed with solving one of Jake's cold cases, the sex murder of a prostitute.
Jake, who's having his own problems at home (he and his wife sleep in separate rooms, and his 15-year-old son goes to porn
theaters), is teamed up with a headstrong new partner, Leo Larsen, played charismatically by Bruce Dern as a motormouthed
lothario. Dern was playing a lot of psychos, bikers, dopers and killers up to that point, and THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN
probably did a lot to bring him into the mainstream; over the next few years, Dern would star in THE GREAT GATSBY, Hitchcock's
FAMILY PLOT and COMING HOME, which earned him an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor (he lost to THE DEER HUNTER's
Christopher Walken, another screen psycho of repute).
An interesting point to make about older police procedurals
is the lack of attention paid to forensics. Now that we have followed the O.J. Simpson trial intensely, and we're surrounded
by cop shows on all the major TV networks (doesn't CBS stand for C.S.I. Broadcasting System?), it's hard not to wince when
you see the cops in THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN handling evidence without gloves and smoking at a crime scene. Also, the
killer doesn't wear gloves when he drops his bus token into the slot, leaving you to wonder why the lab guys don't fingerprint
all the tokens and find the killer that way.
Also in the cast are Lou Gossett Jr. (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN),
Val Avery (BLACK CAESAR), Anthony Zerbe (HARRY O), Joanna Cassidy (BLADE RUNNER), Albert Paulsen (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE),
Matt Clark (WHITE LIGHTNING), Gregory Sierra (BARNEY MILLER), Clifton James (Sgt. Pepper in the 007 films), Paul Koslo (MR.
MAJESTYK) and Leigh French (THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR). Tom Rickman, later to write COAL MINER'S DAUGHTER and
DEAD POETS SOCIETY, adapted a Swedish police procedural, and it was directed by Stuart Rosenberg of COOL HAND LUKE fame.
The dialogue is very good, and Rickman does a decent job of constructing a complicated plot without over-explaining it to
the audience.
Strangely, after filming this, VARRICK (in which he played a
bank robber) and PELHAM (a transit cop negotiating with subway hijackers led by Robert Shaw) in close succession, Matthau
never again starred in a straight crime movie. He was good at it, but perhaps he felt audiences liked him better in
comedies, where his elastic face could garner laughs with just a look. It's his "averageness" in the looks department
that made him such an intriguing dramatic lead. You knew he had to be a good cop, because he certainly wasn't able to
coast on his looks. And, of course, his Everyman quality made him a hero you could identify with.
LAWMAN (1971)—Directed by Michael Winner. Stars
Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan, Lee J. Cobb, Robert Duvall, Sheree North. The so-called villains are more interesting than the
hero played by Lancaster in British director Winner’s first American feature. Actually, Lancaster’s Marshal Jared
Maddox is in some ways more villainous than the cowpokes he’s riding after. A rigid, seemingly unfeeling man with a
straight-arrow view of law and order, Maddox rides into the town of Sabbath in search of Vincent Bronson (Cobb) and his cowboys,
who rode into Maddox’s town, shot it up, and accidentally left an old man dead. Maddox, determined to bring them all
in to face trial, even though he acknowledges the wealthy Bronson can easily buy their way out of trouble, hits up local marshal
Cotton Ryan (Ryan) for help, but the weak-willed lawman is firmly in Bronson’s pocket. Town boss Bronson—not an
evil man and one sincerely upset about the man his rampage killed—tries to talk his form of sense into Maddox, who won’t
be deterred from his single-minded mission.
Winner’s eye for casting is LAWMAN’s biggest benefit;
in addition to the three leads, every member of Cobb’s group is a recognizable character actor who brings presence to
his underwritten part. Screenplay by Gerald Wilson, a favorite of Winner’s, has some clunker lines, but its effort to
add some complexity to a typical western formula is appreciated. Much of the dialogue in this Mexico-lensed feature is post-synched,
leaving one to wonder if that was a deliberate attempt by Winner to ape spaghetti westerns. LAWMAN also co-stars Richard Jordan,
Albert Salmi, Ralph Waite, William Watson, J.D. Cannon, Joseph Wiseman, John McGiver, John Beck (with an amazing mustache),
Walter Brooke, Robert Emhardt, John Hillerman, Lou Frizzell, Roy Engel, and Charles Tyner. Score by Jerry Fielding.
THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003)--Directed
by Stephen Norrington. Stars Sean Connery. "I'm waiting to be impressed," states a skeptical Allan Quatermain
(Sean Connery) when confronted with the concept of THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. And, frankly, so was I after
all the negative buzz that has been haunting the project, from a notorious on-set physical confrontation between Connery and
director Stephen Norrington (BLADE) to reports of Norrington being fired during post-production, leaving 20th Century Fox's
in-house staff to edit the picture. A candid behind-the-scenes documentary of the making of LEAGUE may be more interesting
than the film itself.
The basic premise of THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN is a brilliant
one, a cross between a Classics Illustrated comic book and THE DIRTY DOZEN. It is, of course, based on a controversial
and extremely popular comic book series (I loathe the term "graphic novel", a term created for those fans too ashamed to admit
to reading mere "comics") by writer Alan Moore and artist Kevin O'Neill, but rather than a "comic-book movie" like SPIDER-MAN
and HULK, LEAGUE falls more conveniently into the "men-on-a-mission" subgenre of adventure films. These aren't made
very often anymore, perhaps because of rising star salaries that make it nigh impossible to put several of them in the same
cast. LEAGUE follows the basic structure though, enlisting a handful of disparate and highly trained adventurers--each
with his or her specific talent--to embark on a mission to save the world. The terrific gimmick, however, is that each
League member is a character from a popular 19th-century novel, leading to a veritable Who's Who of Victorian pulp fiction.
In addition to Quatermain, the great white hunter created by H.
Rider Haggard, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen consists of Captain Nemo (Naseeruddin Shah), the kung-fu-kicking pilot
of the magnificent submarine Nautilus; Dr. Henry Jekyll (Jason Flemyng), whose scientific potion enables him to transform
into the bestial and super-strong Mr. Hyde; Mina Harker (LE FEMME NIKITA's Peta Wilson), a vampiric chemist who had previously
done battle with a Transylvanian count named Dracula; the insouciant Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend), who remains forever youthful
and invulnerable so long as he doesn't gaze upon his aged portrait; Rodney Skinner (Tony Curran), an invisible man (not "The
Invisible Man" created by H.G. Wells, a character perhaps not yet in the public domain?); and the lone American of the group,
callow Tom Sawyer (Shane West), a U.S. Secret Service agent.
It's 1899, the dawn of a revolutionary new century, and the League
is recruited by M (Richard Roxburgh) to battle the evil machinations of a scarred megalomaniac in an iron mask who calls himself
"The Fantom" (sic). The Fantom, backed up by a massive army of henchmen, is an arms dealer running around the world,
blowing things up and blaming the destruction on other countries, hoping to launch a world war that would render his weapons
valuable. Our team of literary Justice Leaguers follow the Fantom around the globe to Paris, Venice (the setting of
an anachronistic setpiece involving Sawyer's souped-up sports car and an antecedent of the Scud missile) and finally to his
massive Tibetan stronghold, all the while investigating the identity of a traitor within their ranks.
Okay, so I was never completely impressed, but THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY
GENTLEMEN is not this summer's BATMAN & ROBIN or WILD WILD WEST, as you may have heard. Carol Spier's production
design should be remembered when Academy Award nominations are announced next year; the Victorian look of the picture, from
the cobblestone streets of Paris to the Fantom's snow-covered estate, is startlingly realistic. It's unfortunate that
the visual effects, some rendered by Industrial Light and Magic, aren't always up to the task of bringing Spier's vision to
the screen. The Nautilus, for instance, never looks like anything more than a two-dimensional video game piece, whereas
expert miniature work could have added much-needed visual power to Nemo's mighty vessel. Oddly, other special effects
sequences in which models were used, including eye-popping overviews of Paris and Venice, work quite well, leading one to
wonder why CGI, which rarely duplicates water and fire effects well, was selected to create a submarine.
Connery turned 72 during shooting, but shows little signs of slowing
down, even though his stunt double spends nearly as much time on-screen as he does. While Quatermain lacks the edgy
character traits of his fellow Leaguers, the fact that he has outlived all those he has loved, including his son, who died
on a mission Quatermain led, helps to create a father/son dynamic with Sawyer. All of the cast members are given a scene
or two in which to shine, and all handle it very well; LEAGUE may be the best-acted blockbuster of the summer.
Where LEAGUE goes horribly astray is in, as usual in a film like
this, its screenplay by James Dale Robinson, a noted comic book writer (THE GOLDEN AGE) himself (one wonders why Alan Moore
wasn't asked to provide a script). It appears as though Robinson spent all of his time sanitizing the comic book's graphic
elements and creating little character moments for the heroes instead of crafting a coherent plot. The Fantom's ultimate
motives remain sketchy in this final draft, and the entire story feels forced into a cinematic universe where basic logic
doesn't apply.
It's possible that THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN will leave
you still waiting to be impressed as the end credits roll, but I was pleasantly surprised by the imagination and look of the
picture, as well as its cast of (mostly) non-Americans led by the venerable Connery, whose performance suggests more James
Bond than Barnaby Jones in those septuagenarian bones. Also with David Hemmings, Max Ryan, Tom Goodman-Hill and Terry
O'Neill. Music by Trevor Jones. Filmed in Prague and Malta. Harrison Ellenshaw is credited as Visual Consultant;
his father, Peter Ellenshaw, provided special effects work on Disney's Captain Nemo adventure 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA.
LEAN ON ME (1989)--Directed by John G. Avildsen.
Stars Morgan Freeman, Robert Guillaume, Alan North, Lynne Thigpen. True story of New Jersey high school principal Joe Clark
(Freeman), who received positive acclaim for using fear and threatening tactics to instill discipline in his students. While
Clark doesn't come off as very likable, there's no denying Freeman's magnetic performance. From the director of ROCKY.
LEATHERHEADS (2008)—Directed by George
Clooney. Stars George Clooney, Renee Zellweger, John Krasinski. Clooney’s third film as a director is a
romantic comedy set in the 1920s. Despite an appealing premise, LEATHERHEADS is flat on laughs, and Clooney’s
dull co-stars light no sparks. Roguish Dodge Connelly (Clooney) tries to keep his professional football team from going
bankrupt by signing a handsome young war hero, Carter Rutherford (Krasinski from THE OFFICE), straight from college.
He falls for wisecracking reporter Lexie Littleton (Zellweger), who in turn romances Carter in order to get the real scoop
on his combat exploits. Clooney gets the period detail right, and you can see that he’s aiming at Cary Grant/Katherine
Hepburn repartee, but it just doesn’t wash. Clooney is charming as always, and he probably is the modern-day Cary
Grant, but this is no BRINGING UP BABY. Also with Stephen Root, Jonathan Pryce and Peter Gerety.
THE LEECH WOMAN (1960)--Directed by Edward
Dein. Stars Coleen Gray, Grant Williams, Gloria Talbott, John van Dreelan. Not to be confused with Roger Corman's THE WASP
WOMAN, this low-budget Universal release concerns a woman approaching middle age (Gray) who, on a trip to Africa, discovers
a method for rejuvenating ones youth by injecting oneself with fluid from human pineal glands. Posing as her own niece, Gray
sets her sights on a naive young man (Williams), but discovers she needs more and more fluid to maintain her youthful beauty.
The cast have all done better work elsewhere, most notably Williams in THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN. Script by David Duncan
(THE TIME MACHINE).
LEFT IN DARKNESS (2006)—Directed by Steven R. Monroe.
Stars Monica Keena, David Anders, Tim Thomerson. TV giant Stephen J. Cannell produced this direct-to-video horror movie
that takes an intriguing premise and screws it up with a confusing storyline and a weak leading lady. On her 21st birthday,
Celia (Keena from FREDDY VS. JASON) dies after being drugged and raped at a fraternity party. Raised by her grandfather
(a welcome Thomerson) after her mother died during childbirth and her drunken father walked out, Celia found comfort as a
little girl in her imaginary friend, Donovan. After death, she discovers Donovan (Anders) is really her guardian angel
and must protect her spirit from being stolen by “souleaters” during the two hours between her death and her journey
into Heaven. This is where the script goes awry with talk of sanctuaries and The Source and Celia’s dead loved
ones disguising themselves as demons in order to lure her outside the frat house where she’s vulnerable to attack.
Keena is cute and has a spectacular bosom, but is not a good actress and certainly incapable of carrying this film virtually
alone. She also has a funny-looking run, which is distracting during some of the scenes of suspense. Credit the
filmmakers, though, with making a teen horror movie that takes itself seriously without dumb one-liners and pointless pop
culture riffing getting in the way of the scares. With Jessica Stroup, Chris Engen, Tarah Paige and Michael Worth (U.S.
SEALS II).
LEGAL EAGLES (1986)--Directed by Ivan Reitman.
Stars Robert Redford, Debra Winger, Daryl Hannah, Brian Dennehy, Terence Stamp. All the pieces for a charming romantic
comedy/thriller are present, but they don’t add up to anything more memorable than a good shower. Assistant district
attorney Redford and outspoken defense lawyer Winger improbably team up professionally and romantically to investigate a case
of arson and art fraud involving beautiful but flaky performance artist Hannah. Reitman, maturing somewhat after the
blockbusters STRIPES and GHOSTBUSTERS, handles everything smoothly enough, and Redford is certainly more than watchable in
a role he could play in his sleep. Not a bad date movie, despite some surprising violence against women that occurs
in the last act. Also with Steven Hill, Roscoe Lee Browne, David Clennon, Christine Baranski (CYBILL), BOSTON LEGAL’s
Christian Clemenson (who namechecks himself as a court clerk), John McMartin and Brian Doyle-Murray. Music by Elmer
Bernstein.
LEGALLY BLONDE 2: RED, WHITE & BLONDE (2003)--Directed
by Charles Herman-Wurmfeld. Stars Reese Witherspoon, Sally Field, Luke Wilson, Bob Newhart. If a comedy falls
in a theater and nobody laughs, is it still a comedy? LEGALLY BLONDE 2: RED, WHITE & BLONDE, the sequel to the surprise
2001 hit that starred Reese Witherspoon (ELECTION) as a dumb blonde who gets into Harvard Law School, sure looks like a comedy.
It contains bright lighting, broad performances, frothy music and dialogue that doesn't sound like anything that would ever
come out of somebody's mouth, just like in a television sitcom. However, no one laughed at the screening I attended.
Oh, sure, 73-year-old Bob Newhart talking like Snoop Dogg inspired a titter or two, and Witherspoon's precious hairless Chihuahua
Bruiser created some goodwill for dog lovers. But the frustration and boredom one is left with upon leaving the theater
can classify this film only as a tragedy of grand proportions.
I didn't see LEGALLY BLONDE, so I can only imagine the wild script
machinations the filmmakers must have dreamed up in order to explain how a young woman as stupid and vapid as Elle Woods (Witherspoon)
could possibly have graduated from Harvard and become a high-priced Boston lawyer. As the sequel opens, Elle is preparing
for her impending wedding to lunky Emmett (Luke Wilson, who, after playing the same ball-less eunuch in OLD SCHOOL, CHARLIE'S
ANGELS and the two BLONDEs, has officially become this decade's Bill Pullman). Wanting desperately to invite Bruiser's
mother to the wedding, Elle hires a private eye, who discovers the bitch is the property of a cosmetics company that uses
animals for experiments. Since her firm won't touch the case, Elle does what any of us would do--gets a job with a U.S.
Congresswoman (nicely limned by Sally Field) and writes a bill, aided by the world's most politically savvy doorman (Newhart),
that will ban animal testing.
Reese Witherspoon is a very fine actress, but there's very little
she can do to elevate such lifeless material to resemble something resembling wit. I believe there is gold to be mined
from this storyline, as ludicrous as it is, but director Charles Herman-Wurmfeld (KISSING JESSICA STEIN) and screenwriter
Kate Kondell (from a story co-written by Eve Ahlert and Dennis Drake, who penned this summer's very good DOWN WITH LOVE) aren't
interested in panning for it. Their approach lacks any edge or subtext, and instead of creating what could have been
a clever satire of the American political machine, LEGALLY BLONDE 2's riskiest material involves a running gag about a homosexual
rottweiler.
It's a shame to see a performer like Witherspoon spinning her wheels
in this muck, considering how aptly she was used in the excellent satire ELECTION. In that film, she portrayed another
enthusiastic go-getter, a high school senior who was good-natured on the surface, but manipulative underneath. If only
she could have injected that type of bite into this movie, but with Elle Woods, what you see on the surface is all there is.
The same can be said for LEGALLY BLONDE 2, which offers less substance and joy than the cotton candy sold at the theater concession
area. Also with Regina King, Jennifer Coolidge, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Bruce McGill, Dana Ivey, Jessica Cauffiel, James
Read and Tane McClure. Music by Rolfe Kent. Toni Basil provided choreography. John Lennon's "Power to the
People" is heard on the soundtrack, as are a cover of Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth" and the SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK
"It's Only A Bill" song.
THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985)--Directed
by Matthew Robbins. Stars Helen Slater, Keith Gordon, Christian Slater, Richard Bradford, Peter Coyote. Texas teen Billie
Jean (Helen Slater) becomes a folk hero when she accidentally shoots a man (Bradford) whose bullying son trashed her younger
brother's motorcycle. She decides to flee from the law with sympathetic cop Coyote in pursuit. Lightweight but enjoyable with
an early role by Christian Slater (TRUE ROMANCE).
THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)--Directed
by Charles B. Pierce. At the height of the Bigfoot phenomenon, Southern filmmaker Pierce directed this faux-documentary
that does a very nice job capturing the feel of the real thing. Some of the jokey dialogue tips off that it’s
all fake, but this story of the little swamp town of Foulk, Arkansas being stalked by a mysterious hairy monster certainly
looks realistic enough to fool you. If you didn’t know better, that is. After all, there’s no such
thing as Bigfoot. Right? Pierce’s pacing is too slow for the film to be completely successful, but one sequence
of the creature terrorizing two women and their kids raises a chill. Many of the actors appear to be non-professionals,
adding to the film’s verisimilitude. RETURN TO BOGGY CREEK is an unrelated sequel, but Pierce did make BOGGY CREEK
II a decade later.
THE LEGEND OF NIGGER CHARLEY (1972)--Directed by
Martin Goldman. Stars Fred Williamson, D'Urville Martin, Don Pedro Colley, John P. Ryan. The television sportscasts
I delivered over WSIU-TV when I was in college will be on DVD before THE LEGEND OF NIGGER CHARLEY is. Paramount, which released
it to theaters in 1972 (and made a lot of money with it), apparently owns the rights, but I doubt it has the balls to splash
a movie called THE LEGEND OF NIGGER CHARLEY on Best Buy's shelves.
CHARLEY is hardly an important movie, even in the blaxploitation genre,
but it is sincere and occasionally interesting. The script by producer Larry G. Spangler and director Martin Goldman adheres
strictly to the standard three-act structure. Charley, played by former pro football player Fred Williamson in his first major
leading man assignment, is a slave who is freed by his kindly owner as a dying favor to Charley's mother, but is forced to
bolt after killing the plantation's cruel new owner (the late John P. Ryan, who specialized in portraying unhinged sadists).
Along with Toby (D'Urville Martin), an avuncular comic-relief sidekick,
and loyal, bald Josh (Don Pedro Colley), Charley escapes to a small town with a dim view towards blacks. There, the trio faces
a showdown against the posse on their tail, which is led by a vicious slave tracker named Fowler (Keith Prentice). After settling
that account, Charley and his party (which has added two more) agree to protect white farmer Lyons (Doug Rowe) and his half-breed
wife Sarah (Tricia O'Neil) against the murderous Preacher (Joe Santos, who battled Richard Roundtree in SHAFT'S BIG SCORE
the same year) and his rampaging followers.
It's hard to criticize NIGGER CHARLEY on a technical level, because
the (obvious bootleg) print included on the Blax DVD is horrid. Ghosting, color dropouts, smears, audio static, and tracking
errors abound on the full-frame image, which was clearly swiped from a television station's 3/4-inch tape (it has been censored
for language and possibly violence and nudity, and appears to be missing up to seven minutes). Goldman, who didn't direct
many other features, isn't exactly Sam Peckinpah (or even William Witney, for that matter), but the plentiful action scenes
pack some punch and are given a degree of dramatic weight by dint of the attractive leads. This is one of Williamson's finest
performances. While he would eventually come to walk through his later badass roles, relying on his (admittedly strong) personality
to carry him, NIGGER CHARLEY finds Fred playing with more range and doing it well enough to make you forget he's ten years
too old for the part.
THE LEGEND OF NIGGER CHARLEY, lurid title or not, was a very profitable
film and not a lavishly budgeted one either. A year later, Paramount brought back Williamson and Martin to star in THE SOUL
OF NIGGER CHARLEY, this time directed by Spangler and not as successful (though doubtlessly a moneymaker). While it seems
virtually every blaxploitation picture of the '70s is now out on a legit DVD, even some really crummy ones, I wouldn't hold
my breath for this one, though it apparently used to play on television as THE LEGEND OF BLACK CHARLEY. It's a compromise
I'd be willing to live with if it would get the movie more exposure.
LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW (1980)--Directed by
Henning Schellerup. Stars Jeff Goldblum, Meg Foster. Goldblum is perfectly cast as Ichabod Crane in this cheap made-for-TV
telling of Washington Irving's spooky fable about a headless horseman. Director Tim Burton filmed a theatrical remake starring
Johnny Depp. Also with Paul Sand, Dick Butkus and Laura Campbell.
THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER (1981)--Directed
by William A. Fraker. Stars Klinton Spilsbury, Michael Horse, Jason Robards, Christopher Lloyd, Richard Farnsworth. One of
the most notorious flops of the 1980s. An incredibly dull retelling of the legendary story of Texas Ranger John Reid (Spilsbury),
who was ambushed by bandits and left for dead. Reid is nursed back to health by Indian friend Tonto (Horse), and, donning
a mask, captures his ambushers and rescues President Ulysses S. Grant (Robards) in the process. A great story is ruined by
terrible performances by Spilsbury (whose voice was dubbed by actor James Keach) and Horse and stodgy direction by cinematographer
Fraker. Filmmakers received even more scorn from audiences when they legally banned TV Lone Ranger Clayton Moore from wearing
his mask in public.
THE LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES (1973)--Directed by Roy Ward Baker. Stars
Peter Cushing, David Chiang, Julie Ege, Shih Szu, Robin Stewart, John Forbes-Robertson. Leave it to Hammer, which became internationally
famous for its Christopher Lee Dracula pictures, and Hong Kong’s Shaw Brothers to produce the world’s first kung-fu
vampire flick. When it finally came to the U.S. six years later, Dynamite Entertainment cut it to shreds, keeping all the
sex and violence, but leaving the story nigh incomprehensible, and saddling it with the campy title THE SEVEN BROTHERS MEET
DRACULA. While some of the early dialogue scenes are real slogs to sit through, this enjoyably sleazy horror film deserved
a better fate.
In 1908, Professor Van Helsing (Cushing) teams up with his fey
son (Stewart), a Scandinavian beauty (Ege), a cute Chinese girl (Shih), and seven badass kung fu fighters to save a Chinese
village from being ravaged by skull-faced vamps being led by Count Dracula (a dubbed Forbes-Robertson landed the part when
Christopher Lee said no). The makeup on the Chinese-descended hopping vampires is impressively creepy, and scenes of these
moldy beasts draining the blood from nude women into a boiling cauldron are impressive. So are the various fight scenes staged
not by veteran director Baker, but stuntmen Chia Tang and Chia-Liang Liu. Don Houghton’s plot is difficult to follow,
due to some turgid exposition, but if you’re patient, the movie really pays off (though the final battle between Van
Helsing and Dracula is unconscionably anti-climactic).
By the time 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES was released, Hammer’s style
of Gothic horror was passé, and even the addition of then-trendy martial arts action wasn’t enough to lure audiences.
The movie died on both sides of the Atlantic, and we had to wait until 1992’s BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER for another kung
fu vampire flick.
LEGION (1998)--Directed by Jon Hess. Stars
Parker Stevenson, Terry Farrell, Corey Feldman, Rick Springfield, Troy Donahue. Painfully generic made-for-cable ALIENS ripoff
suffers from an unimaginative script, cheap sets, a trite premise and some really bad actors acting badly. A group of prisoners
in the year 2036 is offered pardons if they will follow tough soldier Farrell on a mission to a deserted fuel plant on a desolate
planet. In actuality, they are being set up by sinister colonel Donahue to be used as guinea pigs for a sinister military
experiment. There are no surprises here at all (except at how old and uncomfortable Stevenson and Springfield look); performances
and direction are strictly paint-by-numbers. The monster is pretty cheesy too. After much thought, Donahue delivers the film's
worst performance, but Aussie popster Springfield is the most embarrassing.
LEGIONNAIRE (1998)--Directed
by Peter MacDonald. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Berkoff, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Nicholas Farrell, Daniel Caltagirone,
Ana Sofrenovic. After years of declining box-office returns, this Jean-Claude Van Damme action vehicle was, despite its $32
million budget, dumped directly to video and cable without the benefit of a theatrical release. Ironically, its one of Van
Damme's better features, boasting an old-fashioned epic feel, sweeping direction, awe-inspiring Moroccan locations and--yes,
it's true--decent acting from J-C himself. In 1925, French boxer Alain (Van Damme) is ordered by a Marseilles mobster to take
a dive. He doesn't, and finds himself on the run from the gangster's assassins. He escapes by signing up with the French Foreign
Legion, and soon finds his way to the desert trying to stay alive against Arab rebels and, much to his surprise, the long
arm of the mobster in pursuit. Directed by MacDonald (RAMBO III) as a type of old-fashioned romantic adventure like GUNGA
DIN that they don't make anymore, LEGIONNAIRE takes the time to develop its characters, so that when they are forced into
battle, we care about what happens to them. It also gives Van Damme a chance to stretch a little bit, using his natural charisma
in male-bonding situations. The battle scenes are strikingly photographed, leading to a bittersweet conclusion. John Altman
delivers a musical score in the great Korngold tradition.
LEONARD PART 6 (1987)--Directed by Paul
Weiland. Stars Bill Cosby, Tom Courtenay, Gloria Foster, Moses Gunn, Joe Don Baker. A flop of major proportions, it was such
a failure that Jell-O king Cosby allegedly tried to buy every existing print of the film to avoid its exhibition. Sadly for
us, he failed. Plot pits the Cos as a suave secret agent against an army of giant frogs, lobsters, and other killer animals.
Features blatant plugs for products from Coca-Cola to Lava soap. Music by Leonard Bernstein. Nice FX by Richard Edlund. From
the director of CITY SLICKERS II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD.
LEPRECHAUN (1993)--Directed by Mark Jones.
Stars Jennifer Aniston, Ken Olandt, Mark Holton, Warwick Davis. Best known as the feature debut of top-billed FRIENDS
star Aniston, back when she had her original nose, this silly horror film is actually kinda fun if you watch it with some
friends of your own. Some teens hire on to paint an old house and find themselves battling an obnoxious, foul-mouthed
leprechaun (Davis), who wants the pot of gold the former owner hid there. Obviously influenced by Freddy Krueger, the
Leprechaun is quick with a one-liner after killing his victims in various unusual ways. Top-billed Aniston is a likable
heroine, and she looks cute in shorts too. Can you believe there are five (!) sequels?
LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE (1997)--Directed by Brian
Trenchard-Smith. Stars Warwick Davis, Tim Colceri, Debbe Dunning. LEP 4 is pretty bad, but contains enough individual
scenes of strangeness and hilarity to kinda make it worthwhile: a space Marine celebrates blowing Lep into a million pieces
by pissing on his head, which leads Lep's spirit to float up the stream into his unit and then burst out later John Hurt-style
after the Marine is brought to attention by hottie Debbie "Tool Time Girl" Dunning. There's a drill sergeant/drag queen,
a Valley Girl space princess who uses her bare breasts to cast death curses on men, a bald German paraplegic who turns into
a slimy spider-scorpion-man, and a 50-foot Leprechaun. Also with Jessica Collins and Miguel A. Nunez Jr. Leprechaun
returned to menace THA HOOD in his next two direct-to-video features.
LET IT BE (1970)--Directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg.
Stars John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono. Won a Best Score Academy Award. Fascinating documentary
about the Beatles was filmed at the height of their squabbling. The group broke up soon afterwards. A gripping behind-the-scenes
peek at the recording of what would be their last album to be released. The highlight is undoubtedly the impromptu concert
on the rooftop of Abbey Road studios, their first live performance in three years and their last ever. Songs include "The
Long and Winding Road", "I Dig A Pony", "I Got a Feeling" and the title tune. A must for rock-and-roll fans.
LET
IT RIDE (1989)--Directed by Joe Pytka. Stars Richard Dreyfuss, David Johansen, Teri Garr, Jennifer Tilly, Allen Garfield,
Michelle Phillips. A perfect showcase for the hyper comic style of Dreyfuss. He plays an addicted gambler who has a once-in-a-lifetime
winning streak at the racetrack, despite promising wife Garr he had given up betting. Johansen has some good moments as Dreyfuss's
equally addicted pal. Film debut of commercial director Pytka.
LETHAL FORCE (2003)—Directed by Alvin D.
Ecarma. Stars Frank Prather, Alvin D. Ecarma, Andrew Hewitt, Pat Williams. Baltimore filmmaker Ecarma’s
feature debut is a dizzying parody of Hong Kong action flicks. Made with very little money, but a lot of heart and enthusiasm,
LETHAL FORCE (I think a better title would help it stand out from the myriad of generic action movies with similar titles)
is 70 minutes of wild and frequently funny thrills.
A wheelchair-bound villain named Mal Locke (Hewitt) kidnaps the
wife and son of hitman Jack Carter (top-billed Prather). As ransom, he demands that Carter betray his best friend, a
badass kung fu assassin in a suit and a bright yellow suit named Savitch (writer/producer/director Ecarma, billed as “Cash
Flagg, Jr.,” an obvious nod to Ray Dennis Steckler), and lure him to Locke’s estate. Savitch once shot Locke
from a hiding place inside a mailbox (shades of GET SMART’s Agent 13!), but the hit attempt merely crippled Locke instead
of killing him. Only Carter can get close enough to Savitch to lure him into Locke’s clutches.
Heavily influenced by exploitation filmmakers as disparate as Russ
Meyer, John Woo and Nathan Juran (and a few comic book creators such as Garth Innis), Ecarma, like Quentin Tarantino, has
a certain knack for pulling from his favorite sources to cobble together an entertaining feature (that runs 70 minutes with
credits). The over-the-top violence, including swordplay that draws spurting blood (like in SHOGUN ASSASSIN), a power
drill jammed into someone’s head, and a chomped-off tongue, is played for laughs and is unlikely to turn anyone off.
Action director and cinematographer Eric Thornett, who also portrays an eccentric killer modeled after THE MATRIX’s
Agent Smith, should share some credit for the movie’s pace and energetic fight scenes, particularly because it’s
clear that most of the cast are not experienced in the martial arts. However, the fights are choreographed with such
tongue-in-cheek style that the performers’ amateurism works in their favor.
Like any micro-budgeted film, LETHAL FORCE has its share of drawbacks,
mainly the drab performance of star Prather and the clumsy post-synch sound. It may take a bit of patience to climb
aboard Ecarma’s dream, but if you can hack it, you should be well rewarded. Unearthed Films’ DVD also includes
an audio commentary by Ecarma and some crew members, as well as production artwork, trailers and three of Ecarma’s short
films.
LETHAL HUNTER (1988)—Directed by Arizal.
Stars Chris Mitchum, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace, Peter O’Brien. THE STABILIZER is the most amazing motion
picture ever produced. An insane mixture of violence, incomprehensible plotting, absurd Woodian dialogue and hilarious costuming,
THE STABILIZER was made sometime during the early 1980s in Indonesia by a director known only as Arizal. It's packed with
wall-to-wall violence and is perhaps the most hilariously awful film I've ever seen. It literally has drawn tears of laughter
from me.
I don't know who the hell Arizal is, but I will make a point of
watching any movie with his name on it. LETHAL HUNTER is almost as brilliant. Arizal even managed to lure some Big American
Stars for this follow-up. Christopher Mitchum (son of Robert), who sleepwalked his way through many a Crappy Movie in his
day (Italy's THE MEAN MACHINE being one of the more memorable), signed on to play Jake Carver, whom I believe is supposed
to be a U.S. government operative. He's after some valuable microfilm that is almost stolen in the opening scene when a villain
drives his dune buggy off the roof of a building and into an office in the building next door and starts shooting his Uzi
at the guys with the microfilm!
A scumbag named "Tom Selleck" (!) gets the microfilm and begins
negotiating with two sides: Carver and an evil badass named Judas, played by American karate champion Bill "Superfoot" Wallace
in a wildly OTT performance. Selleck is played by the Great Peter O'Brien, whom you should remember as the Rambo wannabe in
the mesh shirt and poofy mullet from THE STABILIZER and THE INTRUDER. The microfilm (we never find out what's on it) turns
up missing, and everyone else in the film starts beating the shit out of one another in their efforts to find it. Arizal presents
car chases, whippings, crashes, exploding cars, exploding buildings, helicopters, gun battles, kung fu fights (Mitchum's character
performing ninja-style backflips is hilariously stupid), all kinds of wall-to-wall action footage guaranteed to keep you awake
and laughing. Lines like "Fine, die a motherfucking nobody" and "You kill the bad guys. You are a lethal hunter" prove that
Arizal hasn't lost his touch for out-of-his-fucking-mind dialogue. It perhaps isn't as great as THE STABILIZER (what
the hell could be?), but LETHAL HUNTER is not to be missed.
LETHAL NINJA (1993)--Directed by Yossi Wein.
Stars Ross Kettle, Norman Coombes, Karyn Hill. Wein's directorial debut (he has served as cinematographer and/or director
on several direct-to-video action films since) fails to take advantage of its more interesting story points. For instance,
a fight scene involving ninjas wearing roller skates with blades sticking out of them is completely wasted. None of
the martial-arts battle are very exciting, since they seem to be choreographed at quarter-speed, and the stars don't appear
to be too proficient in kung fu. The plot finds ex-CIA man Joe (Kettle) and his wisecracking black pal teaming up to
rescue Joe's gorgeous blond wife Dominique (Hill), who has been kidnapped by sadistic Nazi Kray (Coombes). It all has
to do with poisoning the water supply or some such, but while Wein's film is watchable enough, I wasn't too interested in
the actors or the story. Wein stages plenty of fights, but nothing interesting enough to keep me from wondering if this
was a rejected AMERICAN NINJA script. Also with Ken Gampu, Kimberleigh Stark and Frank Notaro.
LETHAL WEAPON (1987)--Directed by Richard
Donner. Stars Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Mitchell Ryan, Gary Busey, Tom Atkins. Violent buddy-cop thriller was an enormous
hit--not in theaters, but on video--thanks to Donner's slick action scenes and the terrific chemistry between the leads. Veteran
cop Glover, a family man with just days to go before retirement, is teamed up with suicidal maverick Gibson. They investigate
the suicide of Glover's friend's (Atkins) daughter, which leads them to a drug ring. The plot makes little sense, but there
are lots of explosions, shootouts and chases to keep your mind off of it. The climactic karate battle between Gibson and Busey
is confusingly shot. With former Phil Spector singer Darlene Love, Don Gordon, Traci Wolfe and Al Leong. Followed by three
successful sequels. Screenplay by Shane Black (THE LAST BOY SCOUT). Music by Michael Kamen, Eric Clapton, and David Sanborn.
LETHAL WEAPON 2 (1989)--Directed by Richard Donner. Stars Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci, Joss
Ackland, Patsy Kensit. Gibson and Glover return in an even more successful sequel, thanks to an amusing performance by Pesci
as a hyperactive mob accountant. Detectives Riggs (Gibson) and Murtaugh (Glover) investigate a money-laundering scheme by
South African diplomat Ackland, who can't be touched by the law because of diplomatic immunity. Kensit plays a pretty blond
assistant of Ackland's who becomes romantically involved with Gibson. Donner's stunning action sequences are neatly balanced
by the humor in the Gibson/Glover relationship. Darlene Love and Traci Wolfe return as Glovers wife and daughter. Music by
Michael Kamen.
LETHAL WEAPON 3 (1992)--Directed by Richard Donner. Stars Mel Gibson, Danny Glover,
Joe Pesci, Stuart Wilson, Rene Russo. The largest Memorial Day opening weekend ever (at the time) with a box-office tally
of $32 million. Went on to make oodles. This time Gibson and Glover team up with sexy cop Russo to capture an ex-cop-turned-gunrunner
(Wilson). Pesci returns as an eager-beaver real-estate agent who gets in the detectives' way. Great scene has tough cops Gibson
and Russo getting aroused while comparing war wounds. An exciting mixture of humor and epic-scale action. Michael Kamen did
the music again, while former Blossom Darlene Love and Traci Wolfe play Glover's family again. Amazingly, each LETHAL WEAPON
sequel has done better at the box-office than the one before it.
LETHAL WEAPON 4 (1998)--Directed
by Richard Donner. Stars Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci, Rene Russo, Chris Rock, Jet Li. Director Donner and the rest
of the party reunite for this rousing sequel, which might be the best of the entire series (hard to believe for a third sequel!).
Warner Brothers is smart enough not to mess with the formula, which mixes breathtaking stunts, lot of explosions, plenty of
comedy and a chemistry-driven cast. The plot (if it matters) concerns Chinese smugglers and counterfeit money, but the movie
basically sits back and lets cops Gibson and Glover do their Abbott-and-Costello routine. This time a bit of family values
(in an R-rated bloodfest?) creeps in as Gibson's honey Russo and Glover's daughter expect babies. Pesci is a private eye this
time around, and stand-up comic Rock enters the mix as Glover's new son-in-law. A heckuva lot of fun, and Li is very good
as a charismatic bad guy who's more than a little proficient in the martial arts. Music by Michael Kamen, Eric Clapton &
David Sanborn. Script credited to Channing Gibson (TV's MURDER ONE).
LET'S DO IT AGAIN (1975)--Directed
by Sidney Poitier. Stars Sidney Poitier, Bill Cosby, Calvin Lockhart, Jimmie Walker, John Amos. Poitier and Cosby play Harlem
scam artists who use hypnotism to convince a skinny weakling (Walker) that he is actually a prize boxer. Amiable sequel to
UPTOWN SATRUDAY NIGHT. Poitier and Cosby returned in A PIECE OF THE ACTION.
LET'S GET HARRY (1986)--Directed
by Alan Smithee (Stuart Rosenberg). Stars Robert Duvall, Gary Busey, Mark Harmon, Glenn Frey, Michael Schoeffling. When Harmon
is taken hostage by Colombian hostages, brother Schoeffling and pals hire a mercenary (Duvall) to accompany them to Central
America on a rescue mission. Kind of an empty script, but the action scenes are well-handled. With Matt Clark, Ben Johnson
and Gregory Sierra. Director Rosenberg (COOL HAND LUKE) was unhappy with the final product, and had his name removed from
the credits.
LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER (1982)--Directed by Hal Ashby. Stars the Rolling Stones.
Not too exciting concert film of the Stones' monster 1981 American tour. Ashby used a lot of cameras and filmed a lot of footage,
but the band seems too distant and, to be honest, the Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the World just doesn't sound that good.
You'd be better off with GIMME SHELTER or a tape of the Stones' 1989 Steel Wheels pay-per-view special. Any film that can't
make Mick Jagger seem bigger than life just isn't doing its job.
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