THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971)--Directed by Anthony Lanza.  Stars Bruce Dern, Pat Priest, Casey Kasem, John Bloom, Albert Cole.  "One Wants to Love!  One Wants to Kill!"  This incredible horror movie released by AIP absolutely has to be seen to be believed.  Bruce Dern, in one last gasp of drive-in madness before SILENT RUNNING, THE COWBOYS and Jack Nicholson launched him into the realm of mainstream movies, is his typically nutty self as Dr. Roger Girard, a mad scientist who, despite being married to dishy, bikini-clad Priest (TV's Marilyn Munster), locks himself in his private laboratory in order to fulfill his obsession:  creating two-headed animals, including snakes, rabbits and monkeys.  When an escaped homicidal maniac rapist (Cole) who laughs constantly falls into Roger's custody, he decides to take that extra step--for mankind's sake, of course--and graft the killer's head onto the shoulder of his hulking retarded handyman (Bloom).  The two heads talk to each other (well, more like Bloom sobs a lot while Cole laughs his head off), escape from the lab, and go on a slaughter spree, starting with some necking teenagers and moving on to a trio of bikers, who are pounded with their own chain.  As Dern's physician pal, bad Top 40 DJ Kasem tries to make sense of it all.  He has about as much success as you will.

Dern is the main reason to watch this crazy movie, delivering his usual intense performance combined with just the right level of tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement that, yes, this is a pretty silly movie.  What makes Dern so much fun to watch in his early psycho drive-in roles, like THE CYCLE SAVAGES and THE WILD ANGELS, is the authenticity he brought to them.  He wasn't really a biker or doper and certainly not a raving maniac, but there always was something in his eyes onscreen that made you wonder how much he was acting and how much came out of his own eccentricities.  It often appears as though he's improvising dialogue, which is just as well, since it has to be more interesting and certainly more natural than the words penned by John Lawrence (who wrote Lanza's earlier THE GLORY STOMPERS) and James Gordon White (who wrote THE THING WITH TWO HEADS the same year!).  And believe me, the script has more than a few whoppers!  Like when Dern, referring to a dead chimp, says, "You know, if this little fella had been healthy, he'd be alive right now". 

As whacked-out as it is, Dern's isn't the hammiest performance in the film.  That dishonor falls on Cole, whose entire repertoire consists of rolling his eyes, sticking his tongue out, laughing and panting.  It's among the worst acting you'll ever see, not even worthy of a film called THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT, although I must admit it sort of adds to the movie's goofy feel.  After all, it is the kind of movie where an obviously deranged mad doctor can be married to a lonely, horny, sexy blonde who takes bubble baths and lounges in bikinis and nighties, where Casey Kasem not only acts (!), but also provides the (poorly disguised) voices of several radio announcers, and where a gory opening scene of a middle-aged couple lying murdered in their home and their daughter being fondled by a crazed killer rapist can be immediately followed by a treacly soft-rock theme song titled "It's Incredible" (warbled in grand Janis Ian-style by Bobbie Boyle).

AIP released THE THING WITH TWO HEADS the same year, this time splicing rich bigot Ray Milland's noggin onto the body of convicted killer Rosey Grier.  TRANSPLANT is probably the better of the two films, since it's slightly nuttier and stars Bruce Dern, whose unhinged charm is easier to take than Milland's bitching and moaning.  In addition to Boyle's singing, the musical score by John Barber is one of the most unusual of the period, sounding as though one of Dern's pet monkeys was let loose in a recording studio, thumping on various harps, xylophones and keyboards as tape rolled in the next room.  Also by Larry Vincent, Berry Kroeger, Don Brodie and Jack Lester.  Priest was actually the second actress to play the normal teen daughter Marilyn on THE MUNSTERS, replacing Beverly Owen after the first season.

INCUBUS (1965)—Directed by Leslie Stevens.  Stars William Shatner, Allison Ames, Milos Milos, Ann Atmar, Eloise Hardt.  One of the most unusual horror films ever made was never released in the U.S., but it was a critical favorite in France.  The reason you never saw it is because writer/director Stevens (THE OUTER LIMITS) had the unique idea to perform all the dialogue in Esperanto!  Creatively, it does work with Conrad Hall’s moody black-and-white cinematography to promote an otherworldly feel.  For years, INCUBUS was thought to be lost, until producer Tony Taylor discovered a print with French subtitles in Paris.  It’s worth watching, as demon Kia (Ames, who married Stevens) tires of luring the evil and the infirm to their deaths, and decides to work her sinister charms on Marc (a pre-Kirk Shatner), a virtuous soldier who lives with his vulnerable sister Arndis (Atmar).  Marc falls in love with her immediately, but when he, not knowing her true identity, lures her into a church (which hurts her), she seeks revenge by sending an incubus (Milos) after Arndis.  Mostly shot at Big Sur, INCUBUS is an intriguing experiment for sure, but also a mature and arty film with decent performances that feels unlike anything else you’ve ever seen.  Probably because it is.  Dominic Frontiere’s score consists mainly of OUTER LIMITS cues.

Sam's medical skills make him the busiest man in town when Galen is rocked by a series of brutal rapes and murders.  The female victims are shown bleeding from their pelvic areas, and suffered ruptured uteri in the attacks.  So much semen is found inside the bodies that, at first, a gang of rapists are suspected by police chief Walden (Ireland), even though the sperm is colored red.  There's also the curious fact that Tim has begun acting strangely, sweating and ranting of nightmares, after each of which he claims that another murder has taken place.  Although his story is pooh-poohed by the spineless police chief (Ireland), Sam begins to suspect the attacker is an incubus, a demon who takes the male form to impregnate women while they sleep.  He also starts a curious affair with Galen's new newspaper editor (Keane), who bears a striking resemblance to his late girlfriend.

Although clearly made with not a lot of money, INCUBUS is a swiftly entertaining if not completely fulfilling shocker.  Hough, a horror vet (THE LEGEND OF HILL HOUSE), skillfully films the attacks as graphically as he can without going too far (although some may argue that he did), and he wisely keeps the incubus off camera until the end.  The monster suit by Les Edwards and Maureen Sweeney is actually pretty good, but as is often the case, the film is scarier if we are allowed to use our imagination as to the creature's appearance.  Hough also found some neat old locations to shoot in, but one of the film's weaknesses is that we don't get to see much of the town or its people, and thus it feels a bit claustrophobic.  Cassavetes, with his perpetual sneer and brusque manner, is also hard to take as a hero, although his quirky performance does add to the film's interest.  Also somewhat unusual is a slight incestuous context; in Cassavetes' first scene, he peeks at his daughter stepping out of the shower, and it's surely no coincidence that Jenny and his dead girlfriend are the same age. 

Also with Helen Hughes, Harvey Atkin, and Mitch Martin.  Music by Stanley Myers (THE DEERHUNTER).  Cassavetes previously appeared in Hough's BRASS TARGET.  Based on the novel by Ray Russell, who penned Roger Corman's X--THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES.  I have an old radio spot for INCUBUS (its on-screen title, not THE INCUBUS as it's often referred to) that makes it seem a lot creepier than it actually is.  The Vestron Video copy runs 92 minutes on the nose and seems to be complete.

It’s easy to assign blame to executive producer/co-writer George Lucas (who takes story credit with Jeff Nathanson; David Koepp wrote the screenplay), seeing as how he destroyed the STAR WARS legacy with three inadequate sequels, but Ford and Spielberg, who also had total script approval, deserve some too.  Koepp’s treatment feels like a Frankensteinian stitchwork of “cool scenes” from the many earlier scripts Lucas commissioned during the 2000s.  Many scenes, which may have made sense in those scripts, play without context and without a point here, one example being Indy’s accidental invasion of a Nevada nuclear test site, where he ludicrously survives an atomic bomb blast.  As the button to a setpiece that integrates the surroundings into the action, this could have been fun, but as KOTCS plays, there’s no reason for Indy to even be there.

I really don’t want to spend much energy listing the reasons why KOTCS doesn’t work, not as an action/adventure or as an Indiana Jones movie.  I could talk about idiotic CGI gophers or the outlandish action scenes that bear more resemblance to Tom & Jerry cartoons than the 1940s Republic serials Spielberg and Lucas grew up with.  Or the absurd decision to make Indy a deadbeat dad by introducing motorcycle tough Mutt Williams (a miscast LeBeouf), who is sent by his mother, Marion (the welcome Allen), Indy’s flame from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, to recruit Indy to rescue her from Russians after the titular skull.

Besides Ford, who still has a gleam in his eye that proves Indy’s having a good time, no matter what pickle he’s gotten himself into, Blanchett is the only performer who appears to understand the pulp genre.  As psychic KGB agent Irina Spalko, Blanchett decks herself out in a vaguely dominatrix uniform, complete with rapier, to knock Indy about.  Janusz Kaminski’s photography doesn’t match the richness of Douglas Slocombe’s on the original trilogy, and even the reliable John Williams seems to be sleepwalking, mostly recycling themes for the earlier pictures.  Of course, this is necessary to some extent, but this is the first score for an Indiana Jones film that I didn’t whistle upon leaving the theater.

While Lucas plans to continue making sequels with LeBeouf under Indy’s trademark fedora (good luck with that, George; I expect Shia to be in ten years where Chris O’Donnell is now), I’d rather he didn’t.  I don’t think I could take another heartbreak like this one.

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1988)--Directed by Steven Spielberg. Stars Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Julian Glover, Alison Doody. Third Indiana Jones film sends our hero on a search for his missing estranged father, and stumbling onto an evil plot involving the Holy Grail and Adolf Hitler himself. Ford and Connery make an excellent father-and-son team, and Spielberg's action scenes are typically exciting--plus we find out Indy's real first name! In a clever and thrilling prologue, River Phoenix plays Jones as a teenager. Denholm Elliott and John Rhys-Davies return from the original. George Lucas was an executive producer. Music by John Williams. Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam, based on a story by Lucas and Menno Mejas. Director of photography: Douglas Slocombe. Edited by Michael Kahn.

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984)--Directed by Steven Spielberg. Stars Harrison Ford, Kate Capshaw, Ke Huy Quan, Amrish Puri. Sequel to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is overly violent, but an excellent adventure film following Jones (Ford), love interest Capshaw and young sidekick Quan into India, where they encounter a magic jewel and a white slavery ring. Whereas the first movie slowed down only briefly to allow audiences to catch their breath, this one almost never stops. The best scenes include a breathtaking mine-car chase and the Busby Berkeley-like prologue. Great use of sets and locations. George Lucas was the executive producer. Screenplay by Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz (AMERICAN GRAFFITI). Music by John Williams. Look for Dan Aykroyd's cameo.

College freshman Kelly (Zuniga, who made this the year before THE SURE THING) suffers from a recurring nightmare where she stabs her father in the leg while he’s having sex with her mother and then sets on fire a strange man who enters the bedroom.  She also has no memories before the age of nine, which is coincidentally the age she is in the dream.  Meanwhile, a psycho burn victim (Dowdell, a regular on VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA) escapes from a nearby sanitarium.  I wonder if everything is somehow connected.  It is, but not exactly how you’d guess (not that you can be blamed for not predicting writer Charles Pratt Jr.’s dopey climax).  Pledging a sorority, Kelly and her friends are assigned to break into the mall that her daddy (Gulager) owns and steal a watchman’s uniform.  More murders ensue.  Tylo, as a fellow pledge, pops her top again.  We all rejoice.

The only feature directed by TV hack Stewart, THE INITIATION’s executive producers were BUCK ROGERS’ Bruce Lansbury (who made MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and THE WILD WILD WEST, in addition to BUCK ROGERS) and Jock Gaynor (Dowdell was a guest star on their show).  Producer Scott Winant went on to make THIRTYSOMETHING, MY SO-CALLED LIFE and HIDDEN PALMS.  Pratt, Zuniga and Tylo later worked together on MELROSE PLACE.  I wonder if any of these people ever talk about THE INITIATION.

THE IN-LAWS (1979)--Directed by Arthur Hiller. Stars Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. One of the greatest screen comedies ever made. Conservative dentist Arkin's daughter is marrying crazed CIA agent Falk's son. The weekend before the wedding, the two fathers end up in a zany adventure involving a South American dictator, a firing squad, currency plates swiped from the U.S. mint and plenty of serpentining. The chemistry between the two leads is terrific, and they're aided by Andrew Bergman's (HONEYMOON IN VEGAS) hilarious screenplay. Also with Richard Libertini, Nancy Dussault, Penny Peyser, Ed Begley, Jr., Barbara Dana, David Paymer and Michael Lembeck. The infectious score is by John Morris. From the director of LOVE STORY.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (1994)--Directed by Neil Jordan. Stars Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Christian Slater, Kirsten Dunst. I thought this big-budget box-office hit version of Anne Rice's novel was dull as dishwater, but lots of people liked it (and the equally boring Francis Ford Coppola Dracula movie). Pitt is an 18th-century plantation owner who is turned into a vampire, and spends the next several centuries whining about the existentialism of it all. He lives with blond bloodsucker Lestat (a miscast Cruise) and 11-year-old vamp Dunst. Production values, sets and visual effects (including some pretty gory bits by Stan Winston) are properly lush, but the film seems empty to me. Slater plays a reporter to whom Pitt tells his story in flashback; Slater was a replacement for River Phoenix, who died of a drug overdose. Also with Antonio Banderas and Stephen Rea (who worked with Jordan in THE CRYING GAME). Filmed in Paris, New Orleans and San Francisco. Music by Elliot Goldenthal.

INTO THE NIGHT (1985)--Directed by John Landis. Stars Jeff Goldblum, Michelle Pfeiffer, David Bowie, Richard Farnsworth, Vera Miles. Overly violent and overly hip action/comedy about a befuddled insomniac (Goldblum) who accidentally becomes involved with a beautiful woman (Pfeiffer) on the run from emerald thieves. A typically uneven (for Landis) pastiche of action, comedy and in-jokes. Rocker Bowie makes an interesting villain. With Kathryn Harrold and Dan Aykroyd, with cameos by directors Jonathan Demme, Lawrence Kasdan, Joe Dante, Jack Arnold, Jim Henson, Roger Vadim, Don Siegel, Amy Heckerling and David Cronenberg. Music by B.B. King.

INTO THE SUN (2005)--Directed by mink.  Stars Steven Seagal, Matthew Davis, Takao Osawa, William Atherton.  Seagal doesn't exactly stretch as a CIA agent in Tokyo who investigates the assassination of an important Japanese politician.  The screenplay, co-written by Seagal, is overly complicated, but it involves a team-up between Japanese and Chinese gangsters that could turn the city into a bloodbath.  Seagal's character, Travis Hunter, was reared in Tokyo, and is apparently the only agent familiar enough with Yakuza customs to crack the case.  His officious boss (Atherton) partners him with a green FBI agent (Davis) who's so clumsy, he accidentally discharges his pistol on a crowded street.  Despite a general lack of action--Seagal's investigation mostly consists of driving from one location to the next and following the bouncing clue ball--INTO THE SUN is a mildly diverting vehicle for Seagal's fans, boasting nice production values, competent direction and photogenic Japanese and Thai locations.  Seagal does most of his fighting with a sword, adding some novelty to the action sequences, which may have been inspired a bit by KILL BILL (that film's co-star, Chiaki Kuriyama, has a five-second cameo).  The one-named director comes from music videos and is attached to the next MORTAL KOMBAT film.  Decent score by Stanley Clarke.  Listen closely to hear several songs sung by star Seagal.

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY (2003)--Directed by Joel Coen.  Stars George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones.  When is a Coen Brothers movie not a Coen Brothers movie?  When Ethan and Joel Coen, two of Hollywood's most original voices, are handed a story and screenplay by three other writers, including Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone, whose BIG TROUBLE was one of last year's biggest bombs, and then teamed up with ultra-commercial producer Brian Grazer, who's a master of slick, breezy entertainment, but would barely know a rebellious idea if it nipped him in the ass.  For the Coens, who have always originated their own projects, which range from the subversive noir BLOOD SIMPLE to the Depression-era fable OH, BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?, INTOLERABLE CRUELTY must have been a whim, a challenge to see if they could work as hired hands, so to speak, within The System.  And while the film's cartoonish tone and dark comic sensibilities are sure signs of the Coens' involvement, you still get the sense that somebody--maybe Grazer, maybe Universal--is holding them back, preventing INTOLERABLE CRUELTY from being as meanspirited as it should be.

The Coens rewrote the Ramsey/Stone screenplay, of course, the result being a mad romp in the spirit of a 1930's screwball comedy, complete with silly names and rapid pun-filled dialogue.  Our (anti-)hero is Miles Massey, a shark of a divorce attorney (reinforced by his habit of always checking his freshly polished teeth) to whom cases are "campaigns" and who has become so good at his job that ennui is setting in.  And representing Massey is a genuine movie-star performance by George Clooney, whose wonderfully expressive face and commitment to being unafraid to look foolish reminds one of Cary Grant's star turns in ARSENIC AND OLD LACE and HIS GIRL FRIDAY.  Less silly, but just as luminous, is Catherine Zeta-Jones as Massey's foil, Marylin Rexroth, a golddigger with teeth more sparkling than Miles' and a body to match, poured into dresses that call to mind an amoral Jessica Rabbit.

The two first square off after tycoon Rex Rexroth (Edward Herrmann) is busted in bed with a much younger woman by ass-nailin' P.I. Gus Petch (Cedric the Entertainer) and hires Miles to ensure wife Marylin is left high and dry in the divorce settlement.  For Miles, it's love--or something--at first sight, and months later, when Marylin returns to draw up a prenuptial agreement for her impending marriage to dorky Texas oil baron Howard D. Doyle (Billy Bob Thornton), he makes a slight move on her, fascinated and perplexed by a woman as dishonorably addicted to winning as he.

It's evident that Joel and Ethan Coen love actors as much as actors love to perform in their films.  Herrmann, who has made a living playing stiff sourpusses, most notably FDR, seems positively gleeful cavorting in bed with five top-heavy underwear models (come to think of it, why shouldn't he be?).  Thornton hauls out his overused Texas drawl for a pair of sharp scenes.  Geoffrey Rush channels James Woods as a cuckolded soap-opera producer massaging the new holes in his buttocks.  Cedric the Entertainer is crude, but often funny in material that seems more akin to his sketch-comedy show than the Coens' hyperventilated universe.  Julia Duffy, who I haven't seen since the NEWHART series, portrays Marylin's snooty rich girlfriend like an older, lonelier Stephanie with a weakness for Botox as comfort food.  Royce Applegate, Judith Drake, Booth Colman and George Ives upstage even Clooney in a marvelously timed trial scene involving a middle-aged woman's claims of sex slavery against her husband.  And hulking character actor Irwin Keyes as an assassin named Wheezy Joe gets more laughs with his asthma puffer than he has in all of his other films combined.

Working with their regular cinematographer Roger Deakins (who photographs some exquisite L.A. driving scenes), composer Carter Burwell and editor "Roderick Jaynes" (the Coens' nom de plume), Ethan and Joel Coen have managed to mostly subvert INTOLERABLE CRUELTY's mainstream leanings, although the ending settles for a romantic fade, rather than the cruel fate the story demands.  Coming as it does from the creators of THE BIG LEBOWSKI, one of the funniest comedies ever made, INTOLERABLE CRUELTY can only be disappointing, and while it doesn't fall into the Coens' 50th percentile, there's enough star charisma, energy and style to make it worth a look.

NOTE:  Keep an eye out for cult actor Bruce Campbell, an old friend of the Coens (Joel worked as an editor on Campbell's THE EVIL DEAD), who pops up playing presumably the same character he did in FARGO.  Also with Richard Jenkins, Paul Adelstein, Jonathan Hadary, Stacey Travis, Tom Aldridge, Jack Kyle, Emma Harrison, Blake Clark and John Bliss.  The animated opening titles play over Elvis Presley's recording of "Suspicious Minds", the King's final #1 hit.  Songs by Simon & Garfunkel, Chuck Mangione, Melissa Manchester and Tom Jones are also used to good effect.  Applegate, who also appeared in GODS & GENERALS and SEABISCUIT in 2003, died in a New Year's Day house fire.

THE INTRUDER (1961)--Directed by Roger Corman. Stars William Shatner, Leo Gordon, Robert Emhardt. STAR TREK fans, look out! TV's stalwart Captain Kirk plays a vicious racist! He visits a small Missouri town at the time of desegregation, and convinces the bigoted white townspeople to harass the black high school students. Shatner also forces the daughter of a prominent white citizen to accuse a black student of rape. An unusually serious picture for Corman, THE INTRUDER was extremely controversial at the time, and, despite good reviews, did not do well at the box office. In fact, Corman claims it's his only film not to make money. If you can ignore the cheap production and somewhat campy (by today's standards) approach, you'll find it to be quite a powerful drama. Many of today's viewers will be surprised to see that Shatner could actually act! Screenplay by Charles Beaumont. Filmed on location in Missouri with actual townspeople playing themselves; many were reportedly upset to discover that Shatner's character was supposed to be a bad guy! With Frank Maxwell, Beverly Lunsford, Jeanne Cooper (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), and Charles Barnes as the falsely accused boy; I don't think Barnes ever made another film. Also released as SHAME and I HATE YOUR GUTS.

INVISIBLE GHOST (1941)--Directed by Joseph H. Lewis. Stars Bela Lugosi, Polly Ann Young, John McGuire. Poverty Row studio Monogram tried to disguise this slightly entertaining mystery as a horror movie. There's no ghost in it--invisible or otherwise. Lugosi gives an atypically warm performance as Kessler, a wealthy man with a beautiful daughter (Young, sister of Loretta) who remains haunted by the knowledge that