Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) is a typical California high school student who is abducted by a mysterious serial killer.  Her damaged body, missing a hand and a foot, is found in a ditch nearly three weeks later, but when she comes to, she claims to be a stripper named Dakota Moss.  Neither the investigating detectives (Beauvais-Nilon, Garrett) nor her shrink (24’s Itzin) nor her well-to-do parents (McDonough, Ormond) believe her.  Is it amnesia?  Split personalities?  Evil twin?  Nope, it’s even stupider.  Think you can guess?

No one person can be held accountable for I KNOW WHO KILLED ME’s wretchedness.  In fact, barely anyone involved appears to be competent, least of all Lohan, who is incapable of expressing all the emotions a young woman in Aubrey/Dakota’s situation would be going through.  A moot point, admittedly, since writer Jeffrey Hammond and director Sivertson (TOOLBOX MURDERS) are equally incapable of dramatizing them.  From the murky photography to Joel McNeely’s overwrought score, enough red herrings abound behind the scenes to make it difficult indeed to detect who killed this movie.

I LIKE TO PLAY GAMES (1995)--Directed by Moctezuma Lobato. Stars Lisa Boyle, Ken Steadman. This is very dull softcore porn that is barely worth watching on cable in the middle of the night. I say barely, since it does contain a lot of nudity, most of it by the luscious Boyle, who plays an advertising executive whos into kinky sex games. She entrances co-worker Steadman, who is forced to humiliate himself during Boyle's games, especially when she handcuffs him naked to a motel room bed and leaves him alone for hours. Her games eventually become crueler, with Steadman's career--and life--seemingly on the line. The plot, acting and musical score are terrible, and to be honest, the sex scenes are not very erotic. On the other hand, Boyle looks spectacular naked, and she certainly knows how to turn on the charm. Also with James DeZazzo, Pamela Dickerson (who also appears nude) and Brittney Kwon.

I LOVE TROUBLE (1994)--Directed by Charles Shyer.  Stars Nick Nolte, Julia Roberts.  Nolte and Roberts are miscast as bantering rival newspaper reporters in this light romantic comedy.  They have no real chemistry together, and while Julia is at least attractive, the story by Shyer and wife/producer Nancy Meyers expects us to believe that the shaggy Nolte is the biggest stud in Chicago, so much so that gorgeous twentysomethings pick up him out of all the men in a crowded bar.  Nolte is at his most charming here, but the film is too fluffy to be worth much more than a harmless couple of hours.  Hot-dog columnist Peter Brackett (Nolte) finds himself getting consistently scooped on a story by Sabrina Peterson (Roberts), a fledgling journalist for the rival paper.  The story involves a train wreck in which a man carrying evidence of a chemical company cover-up was killed.  When the microfilm (really!) fails to turn up, the two bickering scribes decide to team up to investigate the accident, as they find themselves the target of assassins.  The fine cast includes Saul Rubinek, Marsha Mason, James Rebhorn, Robert Loggia, Charles Martin Smith, Kelly Rutherford, Eugene Levy, Olympia Dukakis, Dan Butler and Paul Gleason.  Score by David Newman.

I LOVE YOU, MAN (2009)—Directed by John Hamburg. Stars Paul Rudd, Rashida Jones, Jason Segel, Andy Samberg, Jane Curtin, J.K. Simmons. It looks and sounds on the surface a helluva lot like a Judd Apatow movie, but this amusing comedy was actually directed and co-written by ALONG CAME POLLY’s John Hamburg. It’s also not as funny as a typical Apatow comedy. Rudd is perfectly cast as Peter, a nice guy engaged to Zooey (the adorable Jones from PARKS AND RECREATION), but having trouble finding a best man. After several disastrous attempts by his mom (Curtin) and brother (Samberg) to hook him up on “man dates,” Peter finally clicks with the irreverent Sydney (Segel). The cast is really game—Rudd is particularly funny as a square dude trying to fit in by stumbling through contemporary slang—but the writing doesn’t rise to their level. Also with Jon Favreau, Jaime Pressly, Sarah Burns, Rob Huebel, Aziz Ansari, Jay Chandrasekhar, Joe LoTruglio, Lou Ferrigno, and David Krumholtz.

I NEVER SANG FOR MY FATHER (1970)--Directed by Gilbert Cates. Stars Melvyn Douglas, Gene Hackman, Estelle Parsons. Talky and stagy drama is redeemed by powerful performances by Douglas and Hackman. Hackman is a lonely middle-aged New Yorker who plans to move to California with his new fiance, but after his mother's death, finds himself being held back by the will of his estranged father (Douglas). Parsons plays Hackman's sister who was ostracized by Douglas for marrying a Jew. Douglas and Hackman were nominated for Academy Awards. Based on Robert Anderson's play.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978)--Directed by Meir Zarchi. Stars Camille Keaton, Eron Tabor, Richard Pace. One of the grimmest, sleaziest movies ever made, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE details the brutal rape of a young woman in the Connecticut woods and her vengeful murders of her attackers. While writer Jennifer (Keaton, Buster's niece!) is sunbathing in a boat behind the country cottage she's renting for the summer, she is abducted by four locals, one of whom--Matthew (Pace)--is retarded. In what must be among the strongest scenes ever filmed, Jennifer is beaten, raped and brutalized by the four, but is saved from death when Matthew, who has been sent by his buddies to murder her, chickens out. The final half-hour details Jennifer's revenge, as she first seduces, then slaughters her attackers one at a time. Tabor's bathtub castration is the most brutal of the killings. This is a hard film to recommend; it's decently photographed, has a definite feminist slant, and boasts a very good and exceedingly gutsy performance by Keaton, yet it definitely isn't pleasant to watch. Zarchi, whose only other directorial credit is DON'T MESS WITH MY SISTER, also wrote, co-produced and edited this picture, which was reportedly banned in England (I believe it). There is no musical score, which lends credibility to the movie's almost documentary-like approach.

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998)--Directed by Danny Cannon. Stars Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Mekhi Phifer. JLH and her heaving breasts return for another go-round with the psycho killer with the murderous hook that slashed up most of the cast of the original movie. Julie (Hewitt) is now in college, while her boyfriend Ray (Prinze) remains in their hometown working as a fisherman. Despite her friendships with her black roommate Karla (pop singer Brandy), Karla's boyfriend Tyrell (Phifer) and Ty's pal Will (a Tom Cruise look-alike with the hots for Julie), Julie is still plagued by nightmares of the harrowing events of the year before. The four of them decide to spend July Fourth weekend at a resort in the Bahamas (Karla wins the trip in a radio station call-in contest; you'll suspect something is up when the girls answer the trivia question wrong, but win anyway), but there's no fun in the sun for our plucky heroine when the bodies start to fall, and Julie begins to doubt her own sanity. The Fisherman is dead, isn't he? She killed him last July Fourth, didn't she?

Sadly, director Cannon (JUDGE DREDD) is able to generate not a shred of suspense, wit or originality into Trey Callaway's boring screenplay. I was constantly distracted by the obvious holes in the plot (how did the killer know Ray would be driving down that road?), and many of the characters are unlikable with scant motivation for the dumb acts the script forces them to perform (all Ty seems to be able to think about is sex--even after it becomes obvious the group is being stalked by a madman and they've seen a number of corpses). Hewitt (19 when this movie was released) spends most of the running time dressed in bikinis, tight tank tops, unbuttoned blouses and wet T-shirts; in fact, the most creativity shown by Cannon is the number of different ways he can shoot Hewitt from above in order to show off her cleavage. Also with Jennifer Esposito, Jeffrey Combs (in the film's most amusing role), Bill Cobbs, Muse Watson, John Hawkes and Red West. The clichd musical score is by John Frizzell.

Dishy, a New York actor with a background in musical comedy, plays a rare film lead as Jordan Oliver, an embezzling ne’er-do-well who plans to bump off his wife Clarisse (a game Barnes) for her life insurance.  After hiring eccentric Captain Bobo (Dana) to do the job, Oliver learns that a mistake at the insurance company has resulted in Clarisse’s policy being invalid.  Hoping to prevent his wife’s death, Oliver tracks down Bobo, who tells him that he has subcontracted the murder to someone else, who subcontracted someone else, who subcontracted…

The film’s biggest laughs result from Stern (THE HARRAD EXPERIMENT) pointing his camera at his talented supporting cast and letting them do their schtick.  In addition to Dana (doing a variation of his Jose Jimenez routine), the hired killers include Harvey Jason as an Indian musician, Jack DeLeon (whose flaming gay was a semi-regular on BARNEY MILLER) as a Lugosi-like mad scientist, George Memmoli (from the Ace Trucking Company) as his assistant in drag, Richard Libertini (THE IN-LAWS) as a CIA agent and Vito Scotti as an Italian in Mussolini’s army.  Much of the funny business happens in one master shot, which makes Stern’s film often play like a typical mid-‘70s TV variety show.

As is often the case with gag-a-minute films, I WONDER WHO’S KILLING HER NOW? peters out before its 84 minutes are up (the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker comedies usually do this too), but don’t let this stop you from checking out this unsung comedy, which is available on DVD from Mills Creek in one of those 50-movie box sets.  Also with Jay Robinson as a hammy actor (great casting there), Ian Wolfe as a sarcastic butler, Severn Darden (in three roles), Steve Franken, Angelo Rossitto, Albert Cole and Pat Morita.  Rose tackled the same sort of material in his directorial debut, the slasher-movie spoof STUDENT BODIES, which suffered from not having a cast nearly this good.

I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA (1988)--Directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans. Stars Keenan Ivory Wayans, Dawnn Lewis, Ja'Net DuBois, Bernie Casey. Hilarious low-budget spoof of '70s blaxsploitation movies, written, directed and starring Wayans of IN LIVING COLOR fame. When Wayans returns from a stint in the Army to find his brother dead of an overdose of gold neck chains, he teams up with a veteran blaxsploitation cast to catch the mob boss responsible. Poking fun at their own screen images are Casey, Antonio Fargas, Jim Brown, Isaac Hayes, Steve James, Clu Gulager and John Vernon as "Mr. Big". Fred Williamson was invited to join the fun, but didn't feel comfortable lampooning his image. Also with IN LIVING COLOR cast members Tommy Davidson and Damon Wayans, and Eve Plumb, Clarence Williams III, Chris Rock, Anne-Marie Johnson and Becky LeBeau. Brown, Hayes and Casey later reprised their characters in an ABC-TV pilot produced by Wayans called HAMMER, SLAMMER & SLADE, but it didn't sell. Keenan's 2000 smash SCARY MOVIE is the biggest box-office hit ever made by a black director.

IDENTITY (2003)--Directed by James Mangold.  Stars John Cusack, Ray Liotta, Amanda Peet, John Hawkes, Alfred Molina, Clea DuVall, John C. McGinley, William Lee Scott, Jake Busey, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Rebecca DeMornay.  Rarely has a film infuriated me as much as IDENTITY.  For most of its running time, this Columbia thriller directed by the talented James Mangold (COP LAND) is a derivative but competent take on Agatha Christie's renowned TEN LITTLE INDIANS, which has been the inspiration, credited or not, for as many films and television episodes as any other novel of its vintage.  But about an hour in, Mangold and screenwriter Michael Cooney muck up the works with a plot twist so incredibly ill-advised that it renders everything that occurs afterwards completely moot.  To be fair, the filmmakers don't just yank this twist out of thin air; through crosscutting and a few well-placed clues, the audience is fully prepared for something to happen, and, although I tried, I was unable to guess exactly what.

In the time-honored Christie tradition, ten disparate strangers find themselves trapped overnight at a seedy Nevada motel during a torrential rainstorm.  Since time is precious in this hour-and-a-half feature and can't be spent on deep characterizations, Mangold economically cast a bunch of familiar faces and allowed them to do their stock in trade, allowing us to feel we know these characters upon first sight.  Thus, our rain-soaked travelers include a Sartre-reading limousine driver played by John Cusack (HIGH FIDELITY), whose hidden talents include a aptitude for sewing up neck wounds; cop Ray Liotta (GOODFELLAS), transporting a convicted killer (Jake Busey, aping dad Gary's hammy snarl) to prison; sexy party girl Amanda Peet (IGBY GOES DOWN); creepy motel clerk John Hawkes (FROM DUSK TILL DAWN); white-trash newlyweds Clea DuVall (GIRL, INTERRUPTED) and William Lee Scott (PEARL HARBOR); mild-mannered family man John C. McGinley (PLATOON) and his young son; and vain movie star Rebecca DeMornay (RISKY BUSINESS).

The cast has barely had time to retire to their $30-per-night rooms before Cusack discovers the decapitated head of one bouncing around a clothes dryer.  Soon more guests are found brutally murdered with the killer's calling card left at every scene.  Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, a psychiatrist (Alfred Molina, SPECIES) tries to convince a judge during an emergency midnight hearing to stay the execution of his mass-murderer client (Taylor Pruitt Vince, essaying the 634th psycho killer role of his career), due to enter the gas chamber the next day.  What does any of this have to do with the carnage at the motel?  That's what gives IDENTITY its reason for existing, since there's little doubt the plot twist it provides is what possessed Columbia to greenlight this project in the first place.

Although I won't give away the thread that connects IDENTITY's dual plots (the TV spots do a good job of that), I have to admit that it left me frustrated and even angry.  What the plot twist does is render everything that happens in IDENTITY's final act irrelevant with no reason for me to care what happens.  At that point, I didn't care about the killer's identity, his motive, or what characters survived or died.  Casting John Cusack as the protagonist in a murder mystery is a masterstroke, since one immediately identifies with his wise Everyman persona.  However, at the end of this film, when we learn that not only is nothing we have seen the way it seems, but also that it just doesn't matter, I was wishing I had never gotten involved in the first place.

It's too bad IDENTITY is sunk by its third act, because up to that point, it's actually an effective little thriller.  It has been described as a "slasher movie", and while there is some novelty value in assembling a cast like this for something akin to SLEEPAWAY CAMP, it's too bloodless to fall into the horror category.  Of the cast, only Cusack is allowed anything resembling a backstory, but since the actors were chosen because of their archetypal screen presences, they don't really need any development.  If you've ever seen John Hawkes or Amanda Peet before, you already know what their IDENTITY characters are going to be like, allowing Mangold and Cooney to jump right into the plot.  The violence is classily rendered for mainstream sensibilities, while Alan Silvestri's score manages to burst through the stormy soundtrack enough times to provide an occasional extra jolt.

If not for Cooney's blasted storyline twist, I would recommend IDENTITY (even though without it, the film would doubtlessly not exist).  It's a workmanlike thriller with a better-than-average cast and an intriguing mystery.  But the twist doesn't work for me.  If I'm going to invest time and brainpower caring about characters in a story, I had better not discover that the storytellers care less about those characters than I do.  Also with Marshall Bell, Carmen Argenziano, Leila Kenzle, Holmes Osborne, Frederick Coffin and Bret Loehr.  Cooney's previous credits were as writer and director of two JACK FROST movies, campy horror flicks about a killer snowman.

IDIOCRACY (2006)—Directed by Mike Judge.  Stars Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard.  IDIOCRACY was co-written, co-produced and directed by Mike Judge, the cult comic filmmaker whose credits include the TV hits BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD and KING OF THE HILL, as well as the sleeper film OFFICE SPACE, which also was the result of abysmal handling by Fox during its original theatrical release, but has since become an essential comedy classic on home video. IDIOCRACY wrapped in 2005 and sat on a shelf at Fox for more than a year while the studio tinkered with it, re-edited it, attempted to figure out how to market it, and finally slipped it into about 100 theaters last fall without benefit of advertising, critics’ screenings or even a trailer, for Christ's sake. It never played in many major markets and became something of a cause celebre for filmgoers looking for something clever and intelligent after a multiplex summer filled with junk.

Fox slipped IDIOCRACY out this week on a DVD that's barely a rung above bare-bones. The only extras are a handful of deleted scenes. If any film this year could benefit from a director's commentary track, it would certainly be IDIOCRACY. But considering Fox has never even allowed Judge to cut a yak track for the heralded OFFICE SPACE, it isn't likely to allow the filmmaker to rant on their dime about their mismanagement of his latest work.

The thing is, IDIOCRACY is barely worth the angst. It's a good comedy, but not a great one, which takes a clever concept and milks it as much as Judge can for 84 minutes. It's difficult to judge (no pun intended) the movie as is, considering the obvious tinkering by Fox executives. Narration by an anonymous off-screen voice (always a sign of a troubled production), failure to develop any of its characters beyond the most superficial traits, and a barely-there climax show signs of the studio's discontent. With Luke Wilson and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE's Maya Rudolph as the only stars, one can see where Fox may have had to be creative in selling IDIOCRACY to the masses. But perhaps the problem lies with the film's subject matter, in which Judge in no small words declares his discontent with the same people to whom Fox is selling.

Wilson stars as Joe Bauers, a perfectly average U.S. Army soldier who is chosen as a guinea pig for an experiment. He and a prostitute named Rita (Rudolph) are to be frozen in suspended animation for one year. However, something goes wrong, and the two are awakened 500 years later in 2505, where Bauers discovers a totally dumbed-down America hooked on reality television, fast food and non-stop advertising (even the government-issued clothing is packed with ads). An IQ test reveals Bauers as the world's smartest human being, and he is appointed Secretary of the Interior by the U.S. President (a former professional wrestler) to solve the problems of a nation that thinks water is only for filling the toilet with and where people who speak in actual sentences are "fags".

I don't think IDIOCRACY is any kind of lost classic, but it is about something, which is more than you can say about 95% of the comedies you've seen in the last ten years. I really liked recent comedies like THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and ANCHORMAN (to name just a couple), but they certainly weren't about anything except making people laugh. And there's nothing wrong with that, but when Mike Judge comes along with a little film designed to make audiences laugh and think at the same time, it should be celebrated, not ignored, despite Fox's best attempts.

IDLE HANDS (1999)--Directed by Rodman Flender. Stars Devon Sawa, Seth Green, Elden Henson, Jessica Alba, Jack Noseworthy, Viveca A. Fox. This goofy, gory teen horror movie had the misfortune to open just after the Columbine High School shooting tragedy in Colorado, leading Columbia Pictures and theater chains to a kneejerk politically-correct burial of the picture. It does feature high-school kids killing others at a school dance, but is so obviously played for laughs that it seems unlikely the movie's target audience would have been offended.

Sawa (FINAL DESTINATION) stars as 17-year-old slacker Anton, a stoner so whacked-out on pot and daytime talk shows that it takes him days to discover that his parents have been brutally murdered and disguised as Halloween decorations (!). Imagine Anton's surprise when he also learns that he's their killer, since an evil spirit that travels the world seeking lazy souls to inhabit has possessed his right hand. After accidentally bumping off a pair of bumbling cops, Anton also slaughters his two best pals: Mick (Green), by burying a beer bottle in his forehead, and Pnub (Henson), by decapitating him with a table saw blade. Thankfully, Mick and Pnub bear their buddy no ill will, and come back as zombies to help Anton rid himself of his demon appendage with the trusty aid of a handy kitchen cleaver. The nutty climax takes place at a school Halloween dance, where the demon-busting troika is joined by busty Druid priestess Debi (Fox), who's been pursuing the evil spirit cross-country in an RV. Anton's dexterous digits invade the dance in pursuit of Anton's comely new girlfriend Molly (Alba), who eventually finds herself stripped to her underwear and strapped Republic-serial-style to the roof of a car slowly ascending towards the ceiling of the school's auto shop.

Former Roger Corman protege Flender pays homage to dozens of fright films in IDLE HANDS, most notably EVIL DEAD 2, THE HAND and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Give him credit for populating his picture with a surprising amount of gore for a studio release--not to mention its eyebrow-raising pro-pot message--but also the blame for being unable to come up with any original twists on a basic zombie plot we've seen many times before. Sawa actually does a nice job replicating Bruce Campbell's one-handed slapstick antics in EVIL DEAD 2, although Green and Henson steal the picture with their zombified Abbott-and-Costello routine. They're very funny together, as is a clever and surprisingly sexy scene in which Molly mistakes Anton's wandering hand, which is trying to strangle her, for a fetish for kinky sex. It's also refreshing to see a female teen character be the aggressor in a romantic situation for a change; Molly isn't the least bit turned off by the sight of the blood-drenched and desperate Anton, and laments that her parents "wouldn't appreciate some dirty, bloody boy screwing their daughter". IDLE HANDS is unsophisticated, bloody fun, which will admittedly appeal to an acquired taste--one that doesn't mind some silly slapstick mixed with their splatter.

Also with Fred Willard, Katie Wright, Sean Whelan, Nick Sadler, PLAYBOY Playmate Kelly Monaco (who has a nude scene), Joey Slotnick (BOSTON PUBLIC), Timothy Stack and Mindy Sterling, who appeared with Green in the AUSTIN POWERS movies. Writers Terri Hughes and Ron Milbauer worked on the MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS series! Music by Graeme Revell. From the director of THE UNBORN and LEPRECHAUN 2.

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971)—Directed by Ron Ormond.  Stars Estus W. Pirkle.  Here are just some of the things that the Reverend Estus Pirkle hates:  joyriding, dancing (in all forms, it leads to adultery), divorced people, laughing and talking with friends, liquor, premarital sex, miniskirts, public schools (they ignore the “3 R’s” in favor of teaching children where the “G spot” is), Saturday morning cartoons (which indoctrinate crime and sex), people who attend church only once per week, and Communists.  Especially Communists.  You may have missed it, but sometime between 1971 and 1973, the United States was overrun by rampaging, murderous, alcoholic Commies who machine-gunned church assemblies and went house to house looking for women to rape.  I know it happened, because Pirkle says it would, within 24 months, unless America embraced Christianity.

Pirkle, a Baptist from Mississippi, appears to have been a bitter, humorless man, judging from the sermon that was adapted for this 52-minute film.  One hopes that the God-fearing audiences who saw it accepted it as the ludicrous camp that it is.  Its director, Ron Ormond, was previously a purveyor of trashy exploitation pictures, such as THE MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER and many B-westerns.  After he was Born Again in the late 1960s (reportedly after surviving an airplane crash), he teamed with Pirkle to make heavy-handed cautionary films based on the sermons that Pirkle was selling in audio form via mail order.

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU… is stunning in its shamelessness, visualizing a world in which children are brainwashed into denying Jesus Christ by forcing them to pray to Fidel Castro for candy, which is then delivered by a Commie henchman.  A boy is shown with bamboo sticks piercing his eardrums (“so you cannot hear the word of God”) and vomit pouring from his mouth, and another boy, who refuses to stomp on a painting of Jesus (“You died for my sins, now I’ll die for you.”), is beheaded for his insolence (“You stupid child!”).

While much of the film is dull—mostly the scenes of Pirkle addressing his bored-looking congregation, which includes teenage Judy, a strumpet who is eventually convinced to accept Christ by the end of the movie—the scenes of the Communist occupation are downright hilarious and prove that you can take the hack film director out of exploitation, but you can’t take the exploitation out of the hack.  Ormond’s favorite shot is a pan across dozens of bloody corpses—God-fearing Americans who refused to denounce capitalism to save their lives.  Men, women, children—interestingly, everyone we see is white.  Perhaps blacks, Hispanics and other minorities have no room in Ormond’s and Pirkle’s America, along with Communists.

IF LOOKS COULD KILL (1991)--Directed by William Dear. Stars Richard Grieco, Gabrielle Anwar, Linda Hunt. Silly spy stuff starring 21 JUMP STREET's Grieco as a high-school student mistaken for an American agent during a French field trip. Roger Rees and Roger Daltrey play things way over the top as bad guys. Written by Darren Star, creator of BEVERLY HILLS 90210 and MELROSE PLACE.

IF YOU MEET SARTANA, PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH (1968)—Directed by Gianfranco Parolini.  Stars Gianni Garko, William Berger, Sydney Chaplin, Klaus Kinski, Gianni Rizzo, Fernando Sancho, Sal Borgese.  The first of five Italian westerns starring the sturdy Garko as Sartana, a mysterious gunfighter who may possess supernatural powers, but certainly has skills with a gun and a deck of cards.  Sartana rides into a town where several different individuals are doublecrossing each other for a strongbox filled with stolen gold.  Oddly, nobody seems to know just where the gold has gone to; the chest on the stagecoach that was robbed contained only rocks.  El Moreno (stunt coordinator Borgese), Morgan (Kinski) and foppish Lasky (Berger) are among the vicious thieves who are quicker with their pistols than with their brains, while Sartana (who identifies himself as “your pallbearer”) waits in the background to swoop in and fight the winner.  A high body count, Piero Piccioni’s oddball score and Garko’s icy turn as Sartana make this movie well worth watching for action fans.  Several Sartana movies followed, but I believe only Garko’s and one other starring George Hilton are considered “official” Sartana movies.  I AM SARTANA, YOUR ANGEL OF DEATH was next.

IGBY GOES DOWN (2002)--Directed by Burr Steers.  Stars Kieran Culkin, Claire Danes, Susan Sarandon, Jeff Goldblum, Ryan Phillippe, Bill Pullman, Jared Harris.  IGBY GOES DOWN, the directorial debut of bit player Burr Steers (PULP FICTION), is an uncomfortable melding of CATCHER IN THE RYE and THE GRADUATE.  It's a satire of upper-class malaise that forgets to be funny and a collection of fine actors who struggle to wrap their mouths around some of the most unwieldy dialogue to pop out of movie theater speakers since the days of Ed Wood.

INCIDENT ON A DARK STREET (1973)--Directed by Buzz Kulik.  Stars James Olson, David Canary, Robert Pine, Richard Castellano.  A pair of young Assistant U.S. Attorneys, Peter Gallagher (Canary) and Pete Hamilton (Pine), investigate when small-time hood Frank Romeo (Castellano) threatens to turn stool pigeon to avenge the murder of his gangster brother.  Taking advice from their boss, Joe "Don't call me 'sir'!" Dubbs (Olson), the crusading attorneys discover political corruption involving payoffs to high-placed city government officials.  This unsuccessful TV pilot contains an overly complicated plot by producer E. Jack Neuman and drab leads (although Canary's performance is quite good), but is a reasonably engrossing if action-free crime drama.  The guest stars are good: William Shatner, Gilbert Roland, Murray Hamilton, John Kerr, Kathleen Lloyd, David Doyle, Jerome Thor, Marlene Clark and Gordon Pinsent.  Elmer Bernstein scored it for executive producer David Gerber.