|
HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD (1976)--Directed by Allan
Arkush and Joe Dante. Stars Candice Rialson, Jeffrey Kramer, Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, Rita George, Tara Strohmeier. Directors
Arkush and Dante worked together editing trailers for Roger Corman's New World Pictures, and decided they could make films
themselves. So, along with producer Jon Davison, they marched into Corman's office and demanded their shot. Corman agreed,
provided they could do it on an impossibly low budget. This parody of New World-style exploitation pictures was made in ten
days for $50,000.
Rialson (CANDY STRIPE NURSES) stars as Candy Hope, a beautiful wanna-be actress just in from Indiana
trying to make it big in Hollywood by appearing in low-budget features for Miracle Pictures ("If it's a good movie, it's a
Miracle."). A psycho who's systematically killing off Miracle's stars makes her task even more difficult. Suspects include
Patrick (Kramer), Miracle's in-house screenwriter; narcissistic leading lady Mary McQueen (Woronov); conceited director Eric
Von Leppe (Bartel); eager-to-pop-their-tops actresses Bobbi (George) and Jill (Strohmeier); and Candy's fast-talking agent
Walter Paisley (Miller).
Dante and Arkush were able to make this movie cheaply by using stock footage from other New
World productions, including CAGED HEAT, THE BIG DOLL HOUSE and DEATH RACE 2000, and, really, it's just an excuse for the
directors to randomly splice in skydiving footage, car crashes and stunts from other movies. The plot is less important than
the agreeable performances and the anarchic style of the film, and, although HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD is frequently funny, the
steady stream of New World in-jokes probably limits its audience to '70s drive-in aficionados. Also with LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS
screenwriter Charles B. Griffith, TRUCK TURNER director Jonathan Kaplan, Richard Doran, John Kramer and cameos by John Milius,
Lewis Teague, Arkush, Dante, Forrest Ackerman and Robby the Robot. Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen supply the score
and a song, "Everybody's Truckin'". Dante went on to PIRANHA; Arkush did ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL next.
HOLLYWOOD COP (1988)--Directed by Amir Shervan.
Stars David Goss, Jim Mitchum, Lincoln Kilpatrick. Don’t look now, but it’s more insane hilarity from the
inept Iranian director of SAMURAI COP. And like that picture, HOLLYWOOD COP's entertainment value is hard to describe.
It's just as incompetent as SAMURAI COP, but with some slumming stars. The wretchedness of the film is evident from
the very first shot, which begins a bit too soon with the actors standing motionless waiting for the director to call "Action!"
Mobster Jim Mitchum (TRACKDOWN) wants back the $6 million a guy named Joe Fresno stole from him, so he kidnaps Fresno's son
to hold for ransom. Fresno's ex-wife goes to a cop improbably named Johnny Turquoise (Goss), or "Turk" or "Turkey" for short,
to get the boy back. The investigation takes several ridiculous turns, such as stopping so Turk's partner Jaguar (a mugging
Kilpatrick) can make some bread oil-wrestling with two hot women. The script, filled with illogic and laughable dialogue (Turk
tells a grieving husband whose wife has been raped in front of him, "Look, I know that guy fucked your wife and all, but..."),
is matched in its incompetence by the inappropriate sound effects and photography. Troy Donahue, Cameron Mitchell and
Aldo Ray show up to pick up a quick check. If you think you know bad movies, you owe it to yourself to give Shervan’s
oeuvre a look.
THE HOLLYWOOD GAME (1977)--Directed by David Neil
Gottlieb. Stars John Vickery, Nick Pellegrino, Gilbert DeRush, Diane Sommerfield. More commonly known as GAME
SHOW MODELS, which is a more exploitable title, but it couldn’t be a more misleading one. There is a game show
model in the movie, but her part is minor. Gottlieb’s film (he wrote, edited, produced and directed it) is about
Stuart (Vickery), a hippie who decides to “drop in” and become a publicist at a Hollywood PR firm. Among
his adventures are wrestling a handgun away from his impotent boss (DeRush), deflecting his friend Arnold’s (Pellegrino)
pass, and meeting teenage singer Cici (Sommerfield) for a sexy one-nighter that leaves her pregnant. If you’re
looking for the sexy romp that GAME SHOW MODELS implies, you may be disappointed by Gottlieb’s arty flourishes, although
plenty of skin, primarily by Sommerfield and Rae Sperling as said “game show model”, is on display. Dick
Miller plays a game show host. Sid Melton is a publicist. Los Angeles Times film critic Charles Champlin is himself.
Look quickly for Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith.
HOLLYWOOD HARRY (1985)--Directed by Robert
Forster. Stars Robert Forster, Shannon Wilcox, Joe Spinell, Kathrine Forster. The only film directed by Oscar-nominated actor
Forster (JACKIE BROWN) is nothing more than a glorified home movie, starring his wife at the time (Wilcox), daughter (14-year-old
Kathrine) and good buddy Spinell (who appeared with Forster in VIGILANTE and WALKING THE EDGE). It's a goofy comedy featuring
a very broad performance by Forster as a down-and-out drunken Hollywood private eye named Harry who is hired by a rich Southerner
to find the only copy of a pornographic movie featuring his teenage daughter. At the same time, Harry finds himself taking
care of his impulsive 14-year-old niece Danielle (Kathrine Forster), who has run away from home to live with her Uncle Harry.
I'm sure everyone involved had a fun time making this picture, and, I must admit, it's amusing to see Forster, who normally
plays intense action roles, mugging it up like Jerry Lewis, but the production values are very crude, the sound is awful,
and Forster doesn't have any visual flair as a director. The low budget may be to blame for the technical shortcomings, and
HOLLYWOOD HARRY isn't awful, so I wouldn't be averse to seeing another Robert Forster-directed film in the future. Also with
Peter Schrum, Wynn Irwin, Mallie Jackson, Redmond Gleason and Reed Morgan. Music by Michael Lang. Forster also produced and
co-wrote the story. Also known as HARRY'S MACHINE and HARRY'S KINGDOM. Probably your only chance to see Forster dancing (!)
on film.
HOLLYWOOD HOT TUBS (1984)--Directed by Chuck Vincent. Stars Paul Gunning, Donna McDaniel,
Katt Shea, Jewel Shepard. Lots of gratuitous sex and nudity in this likely story of a spoiled Hollywood teen (Gunning) who
gets a job as a hot-tub repairman. Shepard has quite a cult following, understandably considering her "talents" on display
here.
HOLLYWOOD KNIGHTS (1980)--Directed by Floyd Mutrux. Stars Tony Danza, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert
Wuhl, Fran Drescher. It took forever for this cult movie to receive a legal home-video release, due to legal reasons concerning
the music. It's an AMERICAN GRAFFITTI-inspired comedy about teenagers cruising Hollywood on Halloween night 1965. The cast
members were all unknowns at the time. Wuhl is especially funny here. Also with Stuart Pankin, Gailard Sartain, Otis Young,
Leigh French and Richard Schaal. Groovy soundtrack filled with '60s oldies.
HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE (1987)--Directed
by Robert Townsend. Stars Robert Townsend, Anne-Marie Johnson, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Paul Mooney, John Witherspoon. Extremely
low on budget, but high on laughs. Townsend's first film was made by borrowing cash from family and friends and spending the
limit on his credit cards. Townsend also wrote, produced, and stars as a black actor trying to get a job in an industry where
all the black roles are killers, muggers, and pimps. Funny satire features a great Siskel-and-Ebert parody. Keenan Ivory Wayans
co-wrote with Townsend a film similar in many ways to his IM GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA!
HOLLYWOOD VICE SQUAD
(1987)--Directed by Penelope Spheeris. Stars Ronny Cox, Carrie Fisher, Frank Gorshin, Trish Van Devere, Leon Isaac Kennedy.
An all-star exploitation cast heads this formula cop movie about a "typical" night in the lives of some Sunset Strip vice
cops. Some humor and satire is mixed with the fights and chases, but there isn't much here that's entertaining. Also with
Robin Wright and Joey Travolta. From the director of THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
HOLOCAUST 2000 (1978)--Directed
by Alberto De Martino. Stars Kirk Douglas, Simon Ward, Agostina Belli, Virginia McKenna, Ivo Garrani, Spiros Focas. It can
be very amusing to see major movie stars of Kirk Douglas's stature slumming in awful movies. It is not amusing and more than
a bit embarrassing to see Douglas standing bare-assed against a sloppy process screen flashing footage of cheap-looking rubber
monsters. Did Kirk have a house payment to make or something?
This Italian-English production from the director of
THE PUMA MAN is basically one of many late-'70s ripoffs of THE OMEN. Douglas plays Robert Caine, an American businessman based
in London who's planning to build a nuclear reactor in a Middle Eastern desert. The idealistic Caine is quite sincere about
using his wealth and power to provide for an energy-starved world, although his wife Eva (McKenna), who owns the majority
of the company's shares, plans to shut the project down. That obstacle is taken care of when Eva is stabbed to death during
an assassination attempt on Caine's life. There's very little mourning in the Caine household as Robert quickly falls in love
with a very pretty and very young photographer named Sara (Belli) and son Angel (Ward) becomes more involved in the power
plants construction.
Strange events begin to transpire--Eva's killer warns Robert that he's the origin of evil; Prime
Minister Harbin (Focas) is decapitated by a helicopter blade soon after forbidding Caine to construct the reactor in his country;
Caine has a nightmare in which he's running naked across the beach before visions of his power plant rising from the ocean
and transforming into a multi-headed dragon; Sara announces that she's pregnant with Robert's child. It soon becomes quite
clear (to the audience, if not to the characters) that Angel is actually the Anti-Christ, and plans to use the nuclear reactor
to destroy the world and purify the Earth.
The sloppy and confusing screenplay by De Martino, Aldo De Martino, Sergio
Donati (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST) and Michael Robson is filled with dialogue and plot contrivances that can only be referred
to as howlers. My favorite is predicated on the extremely unlikely possibility that a trained nurse would confuse a bottle
of vitamins with a bottle of poison and accidentally feed the poison to dozens of babies in a nursery. Yeah, I realize the
Son of Satan had a hand in the mistake, but the way it's presented by director De Martino, the scene is pretty hard to swallow.
The sets, special effects and computer graphics are of the slapdash variety, and, not only Douglas and Ward, but also top-notch
actors like Anthony Quayle, Adolfo Celi and Geoffrey Keen (as an abortionist) are sadly wasted. Ennio Morricone's screechy
score is not among his best.
Despite the movie's deficiencies, I have to admit that HOLOCAUST 2000 was rarely dull.
The crude editing and confusing story forced me to pay closer attention to the unintentionally hilarious goings-on, including
the not-bad gore effects, Ward's slimy performance, and the slightly creepy romance between Douglas and Belli, who appears
to be reading her dialogue phonetically. I also got a laugh at the highly complex computer center, which consists of glass
walls, blue neon lights and huge numbers on the monitor. The ending is very strange, and was probably re-edited or radically
altered during post-production since Douglas is nowhere to be seen, even though his character is directly involved in it.
AIP released the movie in the United States under the title THE CHOSEN, although my OOP VHS from Vestron Video is called HOLOCAUST
2000 on the box and on the print itself. Douglas's next projects were, amazingly, even worse: Hal Needham's Looney Tunes homage
THE VILLAIN and Stanley Donen's (!) outer-space sleazefest SATURN 3.
HOLOGRAM MAN (1995)--Directed by Richard
Pepin. Stars Joe Lara, Evan Lurie. PM Entertainment rips off DEMOLITION MAN in this mildly entertaining SF movie.
In the near future, Los Angeles is protected by a "bio-dome" and is completely owned by the California Corporation, which
broadcasts its propaganda through newscasts that are mandatory viewing. Instead of incarceration, criminals are transformed
into holograms and stored away in a computer file until they are reprogrammed into good citizens. One particularly rabid
bad guy is Slash Gallagher (co-writer Lurie), who is captured by rookie cop Decoda (Lara) after a wild murder spree that includes
the governor and Decoda's veteran partner. Five years later, Slash is freed during his parole hearing and roams the
city in the form of an untouchable hologram, kidnapping the city council and generally causing all sorts of explosive mayhem,
unless Decoda, whose girlfriend's father created the holographic system, can discover a way to battle Slash on his own turf.
Subpar performances by HOLOGRAM MAN's leading men are enough to
sink this to second-string status. While the pony tailed Lara is merely bland, Lurie is an extraordinarily awful actor,
speaking his own ridiculously flowery dialogue without an ounce of charm or irony. His absurd hair braids are certainly
no help establishing Slash as a man to be feared, and although Lurie is aware of his superficial resemblance to DEMOLITION
MAN star Sylvester Stallone, the superstar is in no danger of losing roles to this poseur. Pepin keeps the action at
a peppy enough pace--barely ten minutes ever elapse without half the LAPD participating in a major shootout--but aside from
a decent opening-reel car chase, the stunts and action setpieces lack imagination, as if PM's stunt budget was raided to pay
for the numerous visual effects, which are admittedly competent for this budget level. The screenplay by Richard Preston
Jr. (DARK BREED) and Lurie substitutes profanity for wisecracks and appears to be the result of a fifth-grade science student's
experiment, creating some goofy scientific gobbledygook of which "negatively charged stage makeup" is just one wild example.
It's also fun trying to guess what the improbable locations chosen to represent police stations, laboratories and office buildings
actually are (what would DTV producers do without the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power's plants to shoot in?).
John Amos, Michael Nouri, Nicholas Worth, Alex Cord, Joseph Campanella and William Sanderson provide expert support.
Also with James Daughton (a long way from ANIMAL HOUSE), Arabella Holzbog, Tiny Lister and Annaliza Scott. Music by
John Gonzalez.
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (1972)--Directed by
John Llewellyn Moxey. Stars Sally Field, Julie Harris, Eleanor Parker, Jill Haworth, Jessica Walter, Walter Brennan.
For a healthy dose of holiday cheer and goodwill, watch something else. This Christmas-set made-for-TV horror movie
is as cynical and downbeat as they come. Aged patriarch Benjamin Morgan (Brennan) summons his four estranged daughters
to his dying bedside on Christmas Eve: grad student Christine (Field), neurotic Frederica (Walter), party girl Joanna
(Haworth) and Alex (Parker), the oldest. None has set foot in the Morgan house since their mother's suicide nine years
earlier, a death the daughters blamed on Morgan's affair with the woman he's now married to, Elizabeth (Harris), who was accused
of murdering her first husband. Now Morgan believes his wife is trying to poison him to death and wants his daughters'
help. As the torrential rain falls, the phones go out, the roads wash over and the electricity flutters, the bodies
start to tumble... Who is killing the Morgan clan and why?
At a mere 72 minutes, perfect for a 90-minute ABC timeslot, HOME
manages to work up quite a bit of bitterness and terror, thanks to a cast of veteran scenery-chewers and Field, who hadn't
quite outgrown THE FLYING NUN, but proves herself a game screamer and a cutie of a heroine. None of the actors are exactly
cast against type, but the tight direction by Moxey (THE NIGHT STALKER) and teleplay by Joseph Stefano (PSYCHO) are enough
to bite down on, making this a decent enough chiller, if not among the finest on 1970's TV. It's surprising and more
than a little disappointing to note how much tamer television has become over the last thirty years. Sure, networks
can say dirtier words and show the side of a breast now and again, but terror like this is a thing of the past. Also
with John Fink, who had been a regular on the NANCY sitcom and later became a mainstay in Joel Schumacher movies, and Med
Flory as, what else, a cop. Music by George Tipton. Filmed at 20th Century Fox Studios. Aaron Spelling and
Leonard Goldberg were executive producers.
HOME MOVIE (2001)—Directed by Chris Smith.
The director of the great AMERICAN MOVIE made this barely-an-hour documentary about some strange people and their strange
habitats. A Louisiana Cajun lives on a houseboat in the middle of the gulf (I bet that shack is long gone now), an Illinois
man has a completely electronic house and a talking robot (!) to go with it, a weird cat couple has cat stuff everywhere to
complement their 13 kitties, a hippie couple lives in a Kansas missile silo (that actually seems cool), and a crazy old lady
has a treehouse a zillion miles from civilization in Hawaii. It’s actually a sweet movie that doesn’t poke
fun at its subjects (a charge sometimes leveled against AMERICAN MOVIE). I’m sure there are many more stories
in this vein that could be told, which makes one wonder why someone doesn’t attempt do a reality TV show on the subject.
I guess it isn’t mean or sleazy enough.
HOME ON THE RANGE (2004)--Directed by Will
Finn & John Sanford. Stars Rosanne Barr, Judi Dench, Jennifer Tilly, Cuba Gooding Jr., Randy Quaid. HOME ON
THE RANGE is the end of an era, one that sputters out like a wet firecracker instead of a loud bang. Walt Disney's 45th
hand-drawn animated feature is reportedly its last, as the company prepares to move 100% into the realm of computer animation.
Last year, Disney sold off all of its hand-animation equipment, which means we can say hello to more CGI features like the
enormously popular FINDING NEMO and TOY STORY. And considering how much more popular those recent films are than Disney's
2D adventures (anyone remember TREASURE PLANET?), I suppose it's difficult to argue with the decision. Especially since
the magic disappeared from Disney animators long ago. The elegance of SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS and the drama
of DUMBO and BAMBI has disintegrated into a procession of manic energy, flatulence jokes, miscast "star" power, contemporary
slang and pop-culture references that ensure early expiration dates. Seen ALADDIN lately? What was hailed at the
time as a rousing Robin Williams vocal performance (some critics even argued that he deserved a Special Oscar for it) is really
an exhausting example of Walt Disney the Corporation ignoring what Walt Disney the Man, who died in 1966, was all about.
Does it bother me to see Disney sweeping traditional 2D animation aside, proclaiming paints and brushes and ink as instruments
of a bygone era to be replaced by the mouse and keyboard? Of course. Not nearly as much, though, as seeing how
Disney's once-mighty animation empire has been reduced to churning out one soulless musical after another, inflicting Alan
Menken and Elton John songs on our tender eardrums.
What I first noticed about HOME ON THE RANGE is how akin it is to
a Looney Tunes short. Not just in its desert setting, which looks much like the Road Runner and Coyote's home base,
but also in its attempt to duplicate the anarchic spirit of Warner Brothers. Instead of the avaricious Daffy Duck and
the opportunistic Bugs Bunny, however, HOME casts as its heroines three female cows: sassy Maggie (Rosanne Barr), gentle
Grace (Jennifer Tilly) and uptight Mrs. Caloway (Judi Dench). Not exactly the type of free spirits one would hope for.
The story involves Maggie's search for the Pied Piper who decimated her old farm, one Alameda Slim (Randy Quaid), a rambunctious
rustler able to attract cattle using his hypnotic yodeling power. With Maggie's new home, Patch of Heaven, in danger
of foreclosure unless the bank gets its dough within three days, the loudmouthed Bessie with an impressive array of bodily
eruptions convinces Grace and Mrs. Caloway to track down the ruthless Slim and use the reward money to save the farm.
Also on Slim's trail are Rico (Charles Dennis), an Eastwoodian bounty hunter, and callow Buck, a kung fu-fighting horse voiced
in embarrassingly over-the-top style by Cuba Gooding, Jr.
A couple of Menken's songs, in particular one performed by k.d.
lang and another by Quaid that sparks a FANTASIA-like production number (the film's best scene), are slightly memorable, but
the others are not, since Menken seems to have saved all his creative energy for his rousing musical score. The screenplay
by directors Will Finn and John Sanford is completely perfunctory, hitting the same Disneyfied plot points once again and
tossing in references to LITTLE CAESAR and SLING BLADE that will certainly mystify the kiddies and even most adults in the
audience.
Aside from wondering how this 75-minute cartoon could have cost
more than $100 million to make, I spent the running time guessing the identities of the voice actors. I correctly picked
out Joe Flaherty, Steve Buscemi, Patrick Warburton and Dennis Weaver, but Charles Haid's turn as wily rabbit Lucky Jack was
a pleasant surprise. A wandering mind is perhaps the true sign of a movie that doesn't work. This one doesn't.
HOMICIDAL (1961)--Directed by William Castle.
Stars Glenn Corbett, Patricia Breslin, Jean Arless, Hope Summers, Richard Rust. An amazing PSYCHO ripoff by one of the horror
genre's true masters. Frigid blonde Emily (Arless) pays a hotel bellboy (Rust) to marry her that night at midnight. They show
up at the home of the justice of the peace for the wedding, and during the ceremony, Emily stabs him to death. She then returns
home to her husband Warren. The gimmick is that both Emily and Warren are played by Arless! The audience never learns whether
Arless is a man or a woman! She (he?) never acted again, and director Castle never revealed her (his?) real sex. In actuality,
Jean was actress Joan Marshall, who later guest-starred in a STAR TREK episode. The story involves a mute housekeeper, an
inheritance, and a plot to drive Warren's sister Breslin crazy. Climax features a "Fright Break", so the meek-at-heart could
leave the theater and get their money back. Castle's best film is one of the most bizarre horror pictures you're liable to
see.
HOMICIDE: THE MOVIE (2000)--Directed by Jean de Segonzac. Stars Andre Braugher, Kyle Secor,
Yaphet Kotto, Richard Belzer. Solid crime drama reunites the cast of NBC-TV's critically acclaimed Baltimore cop show HOMICIDE:
LIFE ON THE STREET. And I mean the whole cast!! Even characters who died during the show's original run manage to pop up;
in fact, the most impressive aspect of the teleplay by series vets Tom Fontana, Eric Overmyer and James Yoshimura is the way
it's able to realistically and naturally weave into the storyline all the series regulars, including intense Frank Pembleton
(Braugher), sensitive Tim Bayliss (Secor) and cynical conspiracy theorist John Munch (Belzer, now a regular on LAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT).
Mayoral candidate Al Giardello (Kotto), the former chief of Homicide, is shot and wounded during
an early-morning campaign stop, spurring every detective who ever worked for him--including those who have retired, been promoted
or moved to another city--to reunite in search of the shooter. The plot also wraps up a few loose ends from the series, including
the execution-style slaying of a murderer who was freed on a technicality that took place in the series finale.
Although
many of the actors receive short shrift (that's bound to happen with nearly two dozen regular and semi-regular characters
to work into a two-hour running time), Braugher and Secor deliver top-notch performances, adding new twists to their often
bumpy partnership. I wasn't prepared for some of the movie's more dramatic developments, but there's no question that the
actors, writers and director de Segonzac (another series vet who also served as the films cinematographer) deliver a finale
that packs a wallop.
Also with returning cast members Daniel Baldwin, Ned Beatty (wonderful as Belzer's kvetching
former partner Stan "Big Man" Bolander), Reed Diamond, Giancarlo Esposito (who has some strong emotional moments as Giardello's
son), Michelle Forbes, Peter Gerety (whose Stu Gharty has replaced Gee as Homicide boss), Isabella Hoffmann, Zeljko Ivanek,
Clark Johnson, Melissa Leo, Toni Lewis, Michael Michele, Max Perlich, Jon Polito, Jon Seda, Callie Thorne, Clayton LeBeauf,
Austin Pendleton, Walt MacPherson and Ralph Tabakin, with Ed Begley Jr., Jason Priestley, Eamonn Walker and Lanny Flaherty.
Music by Douglas J. Cuomo.
HONEY (2003)--Directed by Bille Woodruff.
Stars Jessica Alba, Mekhi Phifer, Lil' Romeo, David Moscow, Joy Bryant, Lonette McKee. Oh, what a feeling. A lethargic
one is what I was left with after 93 minutes of HONEY, a FLASHDANCE copy that wallows in hoary movie clichés virtually as
old as movies themselves and provides veteran filmgoers with few reasons to see it. While HONEY goes down smoothly enough,
music video director Bille Woodruff seems content to provide nary a surprise or genuine emotion, leaving this celebration
of hip-hop and let's-put-on-a-show theatrics feeling beat.
Honey Daniels (DARK ANGEL Jessica Alba) is a hardbodied bartender/record
store employee/aspiring music video dancer who somehow finds time to teach a hip-hop class at the community center run by
her disapproving mother (Lonette McKee). Mom wants Honey to leave the Bronx for greener pastures, and it looks like
that might happen when Michael Ellis (David Moscow) discovers Honey shaking her booty in a club and invites her to appear
in the new video he's directing for Jadakiss and Sheek (several contemporary hip-hop artists appear in HONEY as themselves).
Alba is perhaps Hollywood's most spectacular-looking young actress, but her mall-chick softness and struggle to maintain a
street-smart accent ("Their flava's hot!") make her about as believable as Honey as Paris Hilton on a Kentucky farm.
Still, she impresses Ellis enough that he makes her his new choreographer, but her new career and lifestyle keep her so busy
that she has little time for best pal Gina (shimmering Joy Bryant). Check that--she does manage to squeeze the title
of social worker into her schedule by convincing street kid Benny (Lil' Romeo) to give up a life of crime and audition for
a dance number in a Genuwine video.
I'm not sure when Honey found time to sleep, but I doubt Woodruff
has much interest in reality anyway. He definitely has little flair for irony, considering how silly the music-video
world is shown to be and how seriously he takes it. We're forced to take his word about Honey's genius, since the videos
we see are ridiculous and Woodruff's direction of them is lazy. What good is choreography when seen only in eye-blurring
one-second shots? And how can I believe that Honey is the Next Big Thing in videos, when the difference between her
dancing and a stripper's bump-and-grind in a seedy corner stall is imperceptible?
Alba does all of her acting with her body, and while in her case
that's a formidable arrow to carry in her quiver, it isn't enough to carry a feature. Luckily, she's propped up by Mekhi
Phifer (8 MILES), who's given too little to do as Alba's love interest, the ever-classy McKee, and Bryant, who likely could
have provided Honey with some needed sass and savvy if Universal had been wise enough to cast her. A smartmouthed cameo
by Missy Elliott and Mervyn Warren's enthusiastic, if anachronistic, score give HONEY some much-needed energy.
To be fair, it's unlikely HONEY's target audience has seen FLASHDANCE
or BABES IN ARMS, much less Cannon's notorious twosome BREAKIN' and BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, which have the same plot
as HONEY and exploit the breakdancing culture of the '80s the same way HONEY does with hip-hop. Does this mean Alba
will return in HONEY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO? Honey, take your passion, and make it happen. Also with Zachary Isaiah
Williams, Anthony Sherwood, Laurie Ann Gibson, Brandie Ward, Tweet and Blacque. Filmed in Toronto. You might be
surprised to hear Barry DeVorzon's treacly "Nadia's Theme" sampled in a hip-hop tune.
HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS (1989)--Directed
by Joe Johnston. Stars Rick Moranis, Marcia Strassman, Matt Frewer, Jared Rushton, Kristine Sutherland. Fun Disney comedy
featuring some truly interesting special effects and sets. Befuddled pop/inventor Moranis invents a miniaturizing device,
but isn't sure that it works. He finds out when he accidentally shrinks his and neighbor Frewer's kids. The children are forced
to battle everything from an ant to a Cheerio before they are enlarged. Inspired a sequel, HONEY, I BLEW UP THE KID, with
Moranis and Strassman.
HONEYMOON IN VEGAS (1992)--Directed by Andrew Bergman. Stars Nicolas Cage,
Sarah Jessica Parker, James Caan. Cage really bloomed as a comic leading man in this very funny movie scripted by director
Bergman (THE IN-LAWS). Just as private eye Cage and gorgeous girlfriend Parker are set to be wed in Las Vegas, Cage loses
big to hot-shot gambler Caan, who will says he will forget all about the money if he can spend a night with Parker. Despite
the potentially tasteless premise, the jokes are inoffensive and frequently hilarious. The three leads are in good spirits
here, despite a third-act change in Caan's character. The visual highlight is unquestionably the Flying Elvises, a squad of
skydiving Elvis impersonators. Also with Peter Boyle, Anne Bancroft, Pat Morita and Seymour Cassel. Executive producer was
Rob Reiner through his Castle Rock company. Sarah Jessica looks great in a series of revealing bikinis.
HONG
KONG CONFIDENTIAL (1958)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Gene Barry, Allison Hayes, Michael Pate, Beverly Tyler.
Barry (on BAT MASTERSON) plays American undercover agent Casey Reed, whose cover is as a singer in a Hong Kong nightclub called
Frisco Joe's. His assignment is to rescue Abdul, the Crown Prince of Themen, a country of great strategic importance to both
the Americans and the Soviets. The Communists have kidnapped Abdul to force his father, the King, to sign a treaty ensuring
them missile base rights to the country. Teaming up with British Intelligence agent John Blanchard (Pate, who doesn't use
an English accent), Casey infiltrates the Macao gold-smuggling operation of slinky Elena Martine (Hayes), who may or may not
be involved with the young prince's abduction, but, with time running out, she's Reed's only shot. Tyler plays Barry's long-suffering
accompanist, who's unaware of his secret agent status, but is forced into the action by the bad guys.
Obviously made
quickly and efficiently--despite the setting, there's no location shooting, and everything appears to have been filmed in
one take (Barry even blows a line at one point)--HONG KONG CONFIDENTIAL is a fine example of a crisp, lean programmer with
a professional, if not big-name, cast and sturdy construction. At 67 minutes, it doesn't wear out its welcome. Cahn, of course,
directed dozens of B-pictures just like this one in a career that began in silent films and lasted nearly up to his death
in 1963. He and screenwriter Orville H. Hampton collaborated on a whopping 19 films, including JET ATTACK, THREE CAME TO KILL,
and THE FOUR SKULLS OF JONATHAN DRAKE. Also with Noel Drayton, Philip Ahn, King Calder and Ed Kemmer. Barry's son Michael
plays the young prince.
HONKYTONK MAN (1982)--Directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Clint Eastwood, Kyle
Eastwood, John McIntire, Matt Clark, Verna Bloom. Another offbeat role for action star Eastwood. This time he plays an alcoholic
country-western singer during the Depression trying to get his big break at the Grand Ole Opry. His teenage nephew, played
by Clint's son Kyle, accompanies him on the cross-country trip. Depressing drama is not as bad as its reputation, but it isn't
terribly interesting either. Clint sings not nearly as badly as his track record (PAINT YOUR WAGON) would lead you to believe.
HOOK (1991)--Directed by Steven Spielberg. Stars Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, Julia Roberts, Bob
Hoskins. Spielberg's overlong tribute to PETER PAN is one of his worst films. Williams plays Peter Banning, a financial wizard
who spends too much time at work and not enough with his kids. When his son is kidnapped by Captain Hook (a fun Hoffman),
Banning must revert to his former alter ego, Peter Pan, and return to Never-Never Land. A lot of time, effort, and money went
into this production, but it's ultimately too schmaltzy and slowly paced for its own good. It takes nearly an hour of running
time to get Williams to Never-Never Land, and almost another hour before he becomes Peter Pan. The cast, including Maggie
Smith, Caroline Goodall and Charlie Korsmo, is good, although Roberts is badly miscast as Tinkerbell. Would have been much
better with a little editing and a lot more action. Music by John Williams. Screenwriter James V. Hart (BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA)
adapted the classic fairy tale. Look for David Crosby and Glenn Close (as a man!) in brief cameos.
HOOPER
(1978)--Directed by Hal Needham. Stars Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jan-Michael Vincent, Brian Keith, Robert Klein.
One of Burt's best, and certainly Needham's best. Reynolds is a veteran Hollywood stuntman who is thinking of retirement,
but is challenged to do an extremely challenging "gag" by a cocky young rival (Vincent). The stunts, including Dar Robinson's
legendary fall from a helicopter, are truly spectacular, and the veteran cast delivers plenty of laughs. Klein stands out
as an arrogant movie director. Keith plays a character based on Field's legendary stuntman father Jock Mahoney. Also with
James Best, Alfie Wise, Terry Bradshaw and Adam West (TV's Batman).
HOOSIERS (1986)--Directed by
David Anspaugh. Stars Gene Hackman, Barbara Hershey, Dennis Hopper, Sheb Wooley. Sensitive drama written by Angelo Pizzo manages
to transcend all the usual sports-movie clichs. Hackman plays a maverick high-school basketball coach who comes to a tiny
Indiana town in 1951, and takes them all the way to the state championship. Hopper won an Oscar nomination as the town drunk
Hackman hires as his assistant coach. A highly realistic slice of Middle America with excellent performances from its cast.
Wooley had a hit in 1960 with "Purple People Eater".
HOPSCOTCH (1980)--Directed by Ronald Neame.
Stars Walter Matthau, Glenda Jackson, Ned Beatty, Sam Waterston, Herbert Lom. Matthau is funny as an ex-CIA agent whose decision
to write a book exposing the agency's dirty tricks does not go over well with government official Beatty. Jackson plays Matthau's
girlfriend and co-conspirator. They were in HOUSE CALLS together too, and display the same breezy chemistry here.
HORROR
EXPRESS (1972)--Directed by Eugenio Martin. Stars Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas. Effective sci-fi
horror teaming Brits Lee and Cushing for the 16th time. This gory thriller takes place in 1906, as archeologist Lee transports
his newest find aboard the Trans-Siberian Express. His fossil is a 4,000,000-year-old apeman. What he doesn't know is that
the fossil contains the soul of a alien who came to Earth years before and kills by boiling its victims brains, causing them
to bleed from their eyes. Cushing, as a scientist, and Savalas, in a small role as a crude Cossack, attempt to stop the monster's
killing spree. The plot is far-fetched and the science is dubious, but Martin's fast-paced direction and a good score by John
Cacavas make this one pretty entertaining. And, of course, Lee and Cushing are always a great pair. Made because producer
Bernard Gordon owned the model train built for VILLA RIDES, and needed to do something with it. The miniature photography
is excellent. Filmed in Madrid, Spain.
HORROR OF DRACULA (1958)--Directed by Terence Fisher. Stars
Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Michael Gough, John Van Eyssen, Melissa Stribbling. Hammer's classic is one of the all-time
great horror films, and has influenced countless numbers of vampire films ever since. Lee remains the definitive Bram Stoker
vampire, even ahead of Bela Lugosi and Gary Oldman, even though he has barely a line of dialogue. His Count is a combination
of grace, athleticism and sheer sexuality. He played Count Dracula in six sequels; Cushing portrayed heroic Dr. Van Helsing
in three. The exciting climax with Cushing using a pair of candlesticks as a crucifix before tearing down an enormous curtain
to expose Lee to the bright sunlight is one of the genre's most famous. Film was enormously popular with audiences in England
and the United States, and, along with the previous year's CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, permanently typecast Cushing, Lee and director
Fisher in the horror genre for the rest of their long, distinguished careers. Carol Marsh plays the possessed Lucy. Scripted
by Jimmy Sangster, who took a few liberties with Stoker's novel in order to make it more accessible and exciting. Rousing
score by Hammer vet James Bernard. Bernard Robinson's sets are breathtakingly creative; check out the giant globe in Dracula's
library. Probably the greatest vampire film ever.
THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964)--Directed
by Del Tenney. Stars Alice Lyon, John Scott, Allan Laurel. It came billed as “The First Monster Horror Musical,”
and it damn well might be. It’s got boys and girls in swimsuits frugging on a beach while a band of nerdy-looking
white dudes in striped shirts play three-chord rock-’n’-roll. It also has an infestation of man-sized “sea
zombies” that creep out of the ocean to munch on nubile female flesh. Add some bikers, a fistfight, wretched one-liners
and a romantic triangle, and you have THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH, which remains, 40 years later, a unique cult oddity.
Dull Hank (John Scott) fights with his alcoholic girlfriend
Tina (Marilyn Clarke) on their way to a beach party. “You ain’t seen livin’ ‘til you’ve
seen Tina swing,” she says, as she leaps into the fray and shakes her moneymaker at leather-jacketed tough Mike (Agustin
Mayor), who fights with Hank over the cheap little tease. Meanwhile, some boaters dump a barrel of radioactive waste
into the ocean, which pops open upon hitting the bottom and soaks a skull buried there. Via clumsy time-lapse photography,
the skull transforms into…well, it’s hard to describe. Something like a slimy green sea monster with bulbous
eyes and a dozen frankfurters sticking out of its throat. Whatever it is, it’s ahead of its time, because fifteen
years before slasher movies established the rules for screen killing, the monster attacks the slutty girl first, ripping Tina
to a bloody shred.
Director Del Tenney (I EAT YOUR SKIN) mixes lowbrow humor
with the shocks, contributing groaners such as two boys watching a girl in a bikini shaking her pert ass, and one of them
saying to the other, “That reminds me. Did anyone bring hot dog buns?” That night, the monsters attack
a slumber party where 22 girls wear nighties and have a pillow fight. Best. Movie. Ever. Unfortunately
for them, my dream bash turns into a hootenanny, which causes the monsters to slaughter all the girls. Lesson #1:
sea zombies hate folk music.
With the local police befuddled (“You think it might
be a wild shark?), Dr. Gavin (Allan Laurel), who pushes his daughter Elaine (Alice Lyon) to pursue Hank now that his girlfriend
is out of the picture, works to discover a method of destroying the monster horde. The Gavins’ superstitious black
maid Eulabelle (Eulabelle Moore) even gets into the matchmaking act, scolding Elaine for lying around the house moping the
day after 22 of her friends were murdered and pushing her to get out of the house to have some fun.
With the Del-Aires thumping their Fender Jaguars and the ridiculous-looking
“sea zombies” stalking the Eastern seaboard, THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH remains a memorable movie, spawning an
episode of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 and a 1964 Warren comic book assembled by Russ Jones and comics legend Wally Wood.
HORROR PLANET (1981)--Directed by Norman
J. Warren. Stars Robin Clarke, Stephanie Beacham, Judy Geeson. Bloody British ALIEN ripoff about a group of scientists working
in a lab located on another planet. One of the bunch, Sandy (Geeson, who was in TO SIR WITH LOVE; Sidney Poitier would freak
if he saw her here), is raped and impregnated by a fleetingly glimpsed (but dopey-looking) creature. She then stalks the cast
one by one, bumping them off and drinking their blood. Special makeup artist Nick Maley, who also penned the screenplay with
wife Gloria, creates many bloody holes, limbs and entrails. Although the sets and visual effects are cheap-looking (like in
THE ANGRY RED PLANET, scenes on the planet's surface are tinted red, probably to disguise that they were shot in a gravel
pit), the screenplay causes its characters to behave foolishly most of the time, and the electronic score by John Scott may
drive you mad, Warren keeps up a brisk pace to prevent you from becoming bored, while Geeson delivers a pretty chilling performance,
considering she must have known what kind of sleaze she was in. Also with Jennifer Ashley, Steven Grives, Barry Houghton,
Rosalind Lloyd, Victoria Tennant, Trevor Thomas and Heather Wright. Originally released in the U.K. as INSEMINOID, it was
cut to avoid an X rating in America. The title on the video print I watched was HORRORPLANET.
HORRORS OF THE
BLACK MUSEUM (1959)--Directed by Arthur Crabtree. Stars Michael Gough, Shirley Ann Field, Graham Curnow, Geoffrey
Keen, June Cunningham. This British-made thriller, originally released in England by Anglo-Amalgamated and in the U.S. by
American-International, is surprisingly gory, and features an entertainingly ripe performance by Gough (BLACK ZOO) as Edmond
Bancroft, a crippled writer of sleazy crime novels who has a lot of trouble making friends. When he isn't taunting Scotland
Yard Superintendent Graham (Keen) for his failure to capture a serial killer terrorizing London or insulting his blowsy blond
girlfriend (Cunningham) of Van Doren-esque proportions, he's hypnotizing his bland assistant Rick (Curnow) into committing
the same murders plaguing Scotland Yard. Bancroft's motive: so he'll have something interesting to write about in his next
novel!
The killings are pretty imaginative too; weapons include a guillotine, ice tongs, electrocution, and the most
notorious: a pair of binoculars with springloaded spikes that jam into the eyes of its user, a gimmick producer Herman Cohen
claimed was actually used by a murderer in the 30s. The screenplay by Cohen and frequent collaborator Aben Kandel (I WAS A
TEENAGE WEREWOLF) is actually pretty illogical, but Gough does a grand job making us believe it, and the cynical, downbeat
atmosphere is unusual for an AIP release of this vintage. Gerard Schurmann's booming score sounds a lot like Ronald Stein's
sci-fi music of the period, although much less subtle.
The 58-year-old Crabtree also directed 1958's FIEND WITHOUT
A FACE, another Anglo-Amalgamated horror film that also featured an unusual amount of gore for the period. Also with John
Warwick, Gerald Anderson, Beatrice Varley and Emile Franchel in a prologue shown only in U.S. theaters. AIP added 13 minutes
of footage to the beginning of the feature hosted by hypnotist Franchel, who did his best to convince the audience that only
fools and idiots are unable to be hypnotized. This allowed the studio to advertise HORRORS as being produced in Hypno-Vista,
which, unlike similar gimmicks announced by producer William Castle at the time, really didn't amount to much.
HORRORS OF THE RED PLANET (1965)—Directed
by David L. Hewitt. Stars John Carradine, Roger Gentry, Vic McGee, Jerry Rannow, Eve Bernhardt. This SF nod to
THE WIZARD OF OZ (original title: THE WIZARD OF MARS) may be the dullest film I’ve ever seen. Four astronauts
crash their rocket on Mars. With only a few days worth of air in their packs, they wander around the planet. And
wander. And wander. Up and down hills. Through caves. Past flaming rock walls. Finally, they
find a yellow brick road (!) and follow it to a mysterious castle where not a helluva lot happens, except that they find John
Carradine’s floating head, and it tells them to do stuff. Ye flippin’ gods, man, so much pointless wandering.
And when they do talk, they don’t have much to say, nor are the actors competent enough to sound like they mean it.
As for Hewitt, who shares screenplay credit, his direction is weak, though some continuity errors made me laugh. He
did at least spring to take the cast to Nevada, which adequately stands in for the Martian surface, so I gotta give it up
for him that much. As bad as this movie is, Carradine appeared in much, much worse.
HORRORS OF WAR (2006)—Directed by Peter John
Ross & John Whitney. Stars Jon Osbeck, Joe Lorenzo, David Carroll, Daniel Alan Kiely. It’s too bad this
independent Ohio production wastes its terrific premise, because this should have been a lot more fun than it is. Originally
intended as an anthology of three stories, each injecting a monster into a World War II setting, the financiers at the last
minute convinced Ross, Whitney and Osbeck to combine their stories into one narrative. The OSS learns that a German
scientist is creating an army of zombie soldiers to serve as unkillable machines against the Allies. Lieutenant Schmidt
(Osbeck) is assigned to accompany hard-bitten Captain Russo (Lorenzo) and his men into occupied France to capture the scientist
and learn his secrets. Oh, and one of Schmidt’s men is a werewolf, who became one after he was bitten by another
Nazi creation. G.I. werewolves squaring off against Nazi zombies sounds like something out of DC Comics’ WEIRD
WAR TALES, and it could have been a fun romp in film form. It isn’t, probably due to a low budget and short shooting
schedule. There just isn’t enough action or monster hijinks to justify sitting through this crude shot-on-video
feature, which was lensed in Ohio using real WWII-era tanks, aircraft and weapons. The filmmakers’ enthusiasm
is obvious, but their film is a disappointment.
THE HOSPITAL (1971)--Directed by Arthur Hiller.
Stars George C. Scott, Diana Rigg, Barnard Hughes. Paddy Chayefsky won the Academy Award for his original screenplay, which
I thought was too talky and could have been subtler. Scott plays Herb Bock, the chief of surgery at a major Manhattan hospital,
who is impotent, lonely and considering suicide following his divorce. He tries to find relief in his work, but the hospital
is a madhouse--overworked, understaffed, patients are popping in left and right with absolutely no end to the craziness in
sight. To make things worse, someone is murdering doctors, and using the hospital staffs own incompetence to do it. Herb meets
Barbara Drummond (Rigg), a free-spirited young woman who wishes to remove her comatose father (Hughes) from the hospital,
and return him to an Indian reservation, and they fall in love after Herb attempts to rape her in a suicidal rage (ah, those
politically incorrect '70s). Chayefsky and Hiller do their best to vent their rage against the messed-up American health-care
system (which hasn't improved a whit nearly three decades later)--and they do hit their target from time to time--but, like
Oliver Stone at his worst, they use a sledgehammer approach in delivering their message, which isn't necessary since we got
the joke in the first ten minutes. Also with Richard Dysart, Stephen Elliott, Donald Harron, Andrew Duncan, Nancy Marchand,
Richard Hamilton, Katherine Helmond, Robert Walden, Frances Sternhagen and Roberts Blossom. Keep an eye peeled during the
emergency room scene for Stockard Channing and Dennis Dugan in unbilled bits. Music by Morris Surdin. Hiller's follow-up to
LOVE STORY.
HOSPITAL MASSACRE (1981)--Directed by Boaz Davidson. Stars Barbi Benton, Chip Lucia,
Jon Van Ness, John Warner Williams. Sitcom actress, recording artist and Playmate Barbi Benton went all the way to Israel
to receive her first above-the-title billing in an American film. Unfortunately, it was to star in a Cannon slasher movie.
A Golan/Globus production. Made by the director of THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN. Poor Barbi.
Benton was relatively popular during the late 1970's, mostly
due to her longtime intimate relationship with Hugh Hefner. A few PLAYBOY spreads and Hef's love landed her a country-western
record deal, which led to a television acting career guest-starring on ABC shows like THE LOVE BOAT and FANTASY ISLAND. After
she and Hefner broke up, Barbi landed a regular gig on the ABC sitcom SUGAR TIME!, which was cancelled after a few weeks.
Her mainstream Hollywood film debut (she had appeared with
Hefner in a West German sex comedy when she was about 19) came out in 1981 as HOSPITAL MASSACRE. No star, not even one of
Benton's stature, would make a film called HOSPITAL MASSACRE, but Golan and Globus shot it as X-RAY and pulled the switch
later. I believe it actually did play theatrically, at least overseas, as X-RAY, but it's better known in the U.S. as HOSPITAL
MASSACRE. Which is at least an accurate title.
The film's major problem is that it relies on every character
to act in a completely idiotic manner at all times to keep the story moving. If you have half a brain, you'll figure out who
the masked killer is within the first half-hour, which doesn't prevent director Boaz Davidson from stacking up red herrings
like cordwood. Besides Benton, every major character fails to behave like a normal human being. Doctors are oblique and rude.
Her fiance (Jon Van Ness) is ineffectual. People wander into rooms where they have no business. An entire hospital floor is
filled with fumigation fumes (to provide a spooky, foggy atmosphere, doncha know), as well as mannequins (?) and one convenient
can of red paint!
Following a prologue (set at "Susan's House 1961") in which
a young girl's suitor is found mangled with his head caught in a coat rack, HOSPITAL MASSACRE is almost entirely set inside
a poorly-lit, sparsely-populated big-city hospital in which Susan Jeremy (Benton) drops to pick up the results from a recent
physical examination. A quick errand turns into an extended bout of terror, as creepy doctors, creepy patients and even creepy
janitors jerk around Susan while a surgical-masked killer bumps off hospital personnel left and right. Plenty of red herrings
are introduced, including the seemingly sinister Dr. Saxon (John Warner Williams), amiable intern Harry (Chip Lucia), Susan's
ex-husband and even a perverted drunken patient who constantly wanders the hospital's hallways for no good reason.
This is a stupid movie, but the body count is quite high and
the murders appropriately gory. Also, Benton provides a juicy nude scene, which is perhaps the movie's most idiotic moment.
Creepy Dr. Saxon orders Barbi to not only submit to a physical exam in a large, dark room, but he also has her strip to her
panties so he can take her blood pressure and listen to her heartbeat. I don't know, her clothes didn't appear to be that
thick. In painstaking closeup, Barbi lies topless on the examination table while Dr. Sleazeball slowly fondles her foot, leg
and calf muscles, thumps her tight tummy with his fingers, and listens to her heartbeat by placing his stethoscope on her
boob. Sheeyahhh, nice gig if you can get it.
HOSPITAL MASSACRE isn't very scary, but it does move, and
the preposterousness of the screenplay by Marc Behm adds plenty of unintentional NAKED GUN-style laughs--the hospital appears
to be nearly deserted, although Susan is forced to share a room with three cranky old ladies, while nearly every character
is shown playing with knives or acting unbelievably nutty, so they can be set up as possibly being the killer.
Benton is definitely no thespian, but she looks great, and
is at least believable as a confused and freaked-out victim. Not so much, though, as a smoker. Most contemporary actors are
terrible pretend-smokers, but very few are as unconvincing as Barbi. She went on to do a Roger Corman sword-and-sorcery cheapie
in Argentina called DEATHSTALKER, which is even more hilarious than HOSPITAL MASSACRE, but hardly more dignified. That was
pretty much the end of her screen career and her singing career.
Also with Gay Austin, Judith Baldwin (RESCUE FROM GILLIGAN’S
ISLAND’s Ginger), Jilly Stathis, Karen Smith and Elizabeth Hoy. Arlon Ober’s clichéd score actually works
pretty well, although it borrows heavily the “ch-ch-ch” from FRIDAY THE 13TH and the chorus voices used effectively
by Jerry Goldsmith on THE OMEN; Ober also contributed a decent but derivative score for BLOODY BIRTHDAY the same year.
The Cannon Group and producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus filmed this on Israeli soundstages. Davidson also directed
AMERICAN CYBORG. Also known as X-RAY, WARD 13 and--my favorite--BE MY VALENTINE, OR ELSE...!
THE HOSTAGE (1966)--Directed by Russell S. Doughten
Jr. Stars Danny Martins, Don O’Kelly, Harry Dean Stanton, John Carradine, Ron Hagerthy, Jenifer Lea, Marlowe.
Doughten, a maker of religious-themed shorts, filmed this regional sleeper in his home state of Iowa. It’s reportedly
the first major feature to be shot there. The believable Des Moines locations add interest to this thriller about a
little boy (Martins) who stows away in a moving van driven by a couple of thugs (O’Kelly, Stanton) who dump a corpse
in the woods. They spot the lad and give chase. Meanwhile, Martins’ parents suspect a homeless man (Carradine)
of having something to do with the boy’s disappearance. Little money and an offbeat mix of professional but little-known
Hollywood actors and local thespians give THE HOSTAGE a slight low-rent feeling, but it’s made with efficiency and craftsmanlike
skill and seems made for late-night TV viewing. The care in Robert Laning’s adaptation of a Henry Farrell novel
is evident in Marlowe’s character, a middle-aged woman who takes an interest in the boy. Also with Shirley O’Hara,
Ann Doran and Mike McCloskey. Steve Smith belts the silly title tune, but Jaime Mendova-Nava’s score is good.
Ted V. Mikels was the cinematographer, and Gary Kurtz was the editor.
HOSTAGE (1987)--Directed by Hanro Mohr. Stars
Wings Hauser, Karen Black, Kevin McCarthy, Nancy Locke. Routine action drama plays like a less exciting ripoff of THE
DELTA FORCE. Arab terrorists in South Africa hijack an airplane containing a nun, a cop with a bad heart, a B-movie
queen (Black) and her gay agent, and Nicole Shaw (Locke) and her young son, who's on his way to catch an international flight
to the United States for an emergency kidney transplant. Nicole also happens to be the daughter of U.S. government bigwig
Colonel Shaw (McCarthy) and the main squeeze of tough guy Sam Striker (Hauser), who rounds up his old 'Nam buddies to battle
the baddies. Not much action in this one until the end, but plenty of silly dialogue and lapses in logic. Solid
enough, I suppose, but not among Wings' best. Filmed in South Africa.
HOSTAGE (2005)--Directed by Florent Siri.
Stars Bruce Willis, Kevin Pollak. Miramax released this effective thriller that was not a box-office hit. One
year after a tragic shootout that left a young boy dead, former LAPD hostage negotiator Jeff Talley (Willis) has retired away
to a quiet life as the police chief of a wealthy small town in Southern California. It ain't so quiet anymore after
three teenage punks break into the home of underworld accountant Walter Smith (Pollak) and hold his two children hostage.
Adding to Talley's stress level is an army of masked men who have taken his own family hostage, threatening to kill them unless
Jeff can get into the house and return to them an incriminating DVD from Smith's office. I never really believed the
teenage antagonists were very dangerous, and parts of the story buried the needle on my implausibility meter, but HOSTAGE
is well-directed, suspenseful, mostly believable and certainly well-acted. Willis is quite good, and the young actor
playing Pollak's son (Jimmy Bennett) is one of the better child actors I've seen in some time; I liked his performance a lot
better than Haley Osment's in THE SIXTH SENSE. Some of Siri's more over-the-top moments took me temporarily out of the
movie though; in particular, a fire scene, which turned one of the antagonists into a dull slasher-movie villain and featured
one or two shots that were so stupid they made me laugh. Well worth watching. Rumer Willis appears as Bruce's
daughter, along with Ben Foster, Jonathan Kelly, Michelle Horn, Serena Scott Thomas, Rob Knepper, Tina Lifford, Kim Coates,
Art LeFleur, Glenn Morshower and Michael D. Roberts. Music by Alexandre Desplat. Based on a Robert Crais novel.
THE HOT BOX (1972)--Directed by Joe Viola.
Stars Margaret Markov, Jennifer Brooks, Andrea Cagan, Rickey Richardson, Carmen Argenziano, Charles Dierkop. One of
Jonathan Demme's first film credits was as producer and co-writer of this New World WIP lensed in the Philippines. Venerable
character actor Argenziano, who recently popped up in an episode of the NBC series MEDICAL INVESTIGATION, is top-billed as
Flavio, a Central American revolutionary who kidnaps four sexy American Peace Corps nurses and forces them to create a primitive
hospital for his rebel camp. Although they don't take kindly to being kidnapped, they aren't shy about popping their
tops for little reason or coaxing, and after an unsuccessful escape attempt and many bathing scenes, they agree to help.
Eventually they do escape, but are taken captive again, this time by Dubay (Dierkop), a cruel major in the government army
who uses the nurses as bait to lure Flavio's rebels into a trap. Nicely paced and abundant in violence and nudity, THE
HOT BOX isn't as good as the WIPs Jack Hill made for New World, but not far beneath them either, laced as it is with doses
of politics, feminism and plain old exploitation. Viola and Demme also wrote a biker flick, ANGELS HARD AS THEY COME,
and another WIP, BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA, for Roger Corman before Demme made his directing debut with New World's CRAZY MAMA.
HOT
DOG...THE MOVIE (1984)--Directed by Peter Markle. Stars David Naughton, Patrick Houser, Shannon Tweed, Tracy
Smith, John Reger. Nearly every guy of a certain age remembers this from its many HBO airings and its memorable sex
scene involving a nude Shannon Tweed in a hot tub. Some images are just not possible to forget. Beyond Tweed’s
curves, HOT DOG is a standard ’80s teen sex comedy about a nice country boy (Houser) who travels to Squaw Valley to
enter a big ski tournament. Not only does he get it on with Shannon, but he also makes it with cute 17-year-old hitchhiker
Smith. Expect the usual hijinks, including drunken parties, scatological gags, a wet T-shirt contest and practical jokes.
Second unit director (and writer) Mike Marvin shoots a lot of cool ski stunts too. Top-billed Naughton, best known then
as the Dr. Pepper guy, has little to do beyond act like a wiseass, and Reger (now a local TV news anchor) plays a villainous
Austrian ski champ. Director Markle went on to a pretty good career, mostly in television.
HOT FUZZ (2007)—Directed by Edgar Wright.
Stars Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Timothy Dalton. Wright, Pegg and Frost, who worked together in the funny SHAUN OF THE
DEAD (and in British sitcoms before that), reunited for this loud spoof of buddy cop movies. Nicholas Angel (Pegg),
the best cop in London, is transferred to the sleepy little town of Sandford because his gung-ho attitude and high conviction
rate is making the rest of the force look bad. Sandford is the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else, the
police officers are lazy, and nothing violent ever happens. Until a series of brutal accidents piques Angel’s
curiosity enough to launch an informal investigation, particularly after his chief, the local detectives, and big-shot citizen
Simon Skinner (a grinning Dalton) urge him to lay off. Sly wit and over-the-top gore propel this likable comedy that
should appeal to anyone who enjoyed SHAUN. Wright’s shooting style is similar, and he’s even able to sustain
a bit of suspense amid the laughs. The mystery’s dénouement is certainly wry. Also with Bill Nighy, Jim
Broadbent, Paul Freeman, Stuart Wilson, Billie Whitelaw, Edward Woodward and uncredited bits by Cate Blanchett, Peter Jackson
and Steve Coogan.
HOT ICE (1973)—Directed by William A. Graham.
Stars Tony LoBianco, Hal Linden. Philip D’Antoni, who produced THE FRENCH CONNECTION, rips it off for television
in this busted pilot that stars LoBianco (who was in FRENCH CONNECTION) and TV newcomer Linden (later to strike it big on
BARNEY MILLER) as maverick undercover New York cops. An officer’s call for help leads them to bust into a foreign
embassy. A gunfight occurs, LoBianco is wounded, and doctors are forced to amputate his arm. More bad news:
the unknown cop who called for assistance can’t be found, and the top NYPD brass are on LoBianco and Linden’s
backs for trespassing on foreign soil. Partially out of revenge and partially due to an obsessive sense of justice,
the two detectives continue to work the case after hours. Gritty location shooting give HOT ICE an un-TV-like look,
but it still doesn’t hold up among the glut of comic buddy-cop films hitting screens then, including BUSTING, FREEBIE
AND THE BEAN and THE SEVEN-UPS. It originally aired on NBC as MR. INSIDE/MR. OUTSIDE.
HOT LEAD AND COLD FEET (1978)--Directed by
Robert Butler. Stars Jim Dale, Darren McGavin, Karen Valentine, Don Knotts, Jack Elam. Fun Disney western/comedy about a competition
for a large inheritance between two twin brothers (both played by Dale): one a crazed bandit, and the other a meek Salvation
Army officer. Valentine plays the meek Dale's girl, and Knotts as a Barney Fife-like sheriff. Butler is a well-respected director
of television pilots, including HILL STREET BLUES, STAR TREK and MOONLIGHTING.
HOT PURSUIT (1987)--Directed
by Steven Lisberger. Stars John Cusack, Wendy Gazelle, Robert Loggia. After college student Cusack fails an exam, he is forced
to skip girlfriend Gazelle's cruise with her parents. He is reprieved at the last moment, however, and goes on a perilous
three-day journey, including teaming up with grizzled sea captain Loggia, in order to catch up with Gazelle. Cusack is an
enormously likable comic lead, but the film just doesn't have enough laughs or charm. Also with Monte Markham, Shelley Fabares,
and Jerry Stiller.
HOT RESORT (1985)--Directed by John Robins. Stars Michael Berz, Tom Parsekian,
Bronson Pinchot, Frank Gorshin, Daniel Schneider. Another dumb teen comedy about three horny summer employees at an exclusive
resort who audition for a TV commercial by competing in a boat race. Lots of gross humor and naked women, including PENTHOUSE
Pet of the Year Linda Kenton. For Pinchot fans only, and you know who you are.
THE HOT ROCK (1972)--Directed by Peter Yates.
Stars Robert Redford, George Segal, Ron Leibman, Paul Sand, Moses Gunn. This very funny caper yarn is based on a novel
by Donald E. Westlake. Unlucky jewel thief Dortmunder (Redford), just released from prison, is recruited by his locksmith
brother-in-law Kelp (Segal) to steal a huge diamond called the Sahara Stone from a museum for an African dignitary (Gunn).
Adding car nut Murch (Leibman) and bumbling Jew Greenberg (Sand) to the team, Dortmunder and Co. pull off an elaborate, tightly
planned heist. Almost. Except it doesn't quite come off exactly as planned, and they find themselves pulling off
another job. And another. And another. Do they finally end up with the diamond? If they do, it sure
isn't due to a lack of trying. Good thing for us they keep fumbling the ball, because THE HOT ROCK is a very entertaining
picture with nice camaraderie between Redford and Segal and some tightly constructed heists expertly directed by Yates (BULLITT).
Also with Zero Mostel, Graham Jarvis, William Redfield, Christopher Guest and Charlotte Rae. Jazzy score by Quincy Jones
features sax great Gerry Mulligan. William Goldman's screenplay was nominated for an Edgar.
HOT ROD GANG (1958)--Directed by Lew Landers.
Stars John Ashley, Jody Fair, Gene Vincent, Dub Taylor. No gangs and barely any hot rods in this pretty lame teen B-flick
about a rich kid from a conservative family (Ashley) who wants to let down his air, dump the violin and be a rock-and-roll
star. He dons a red beard, takes a stage name, and is invited by the great Vincent (who plays himself) to open the show. There's
also some dull subplots about a landlord (Taylor) threatening to close down the kids' clubhouse over due rent and some juvenile
delinquents who frame Ashley for some hubcap thefts! Besides a couple of cool Vincent tunes, not much reason to watch. Music
by Ronald Stein.
HOT RODS TO HELL (1967)--Directed by John Brahm. Stars Dana Andrews, Jeanne Crain,
Paul Bertoya, Mimsy Farmer, Laurie Mock. Father Andrews, wife Crain, and their two children are driving across the desert
on their way to make a new life for themselves in California. Three hotrodding delinquents try to run them off the road and
throw beer cans at them. One tries to seduce Dana's sexy teenage daughter (Mock). When the police prove ineffective, Andrews
takes the law into his own hands. The JD genre had pretty much petered out by 1967. Music by Mickey Rooney, Jr. and his combo.
HOT SHOTS PART DEUX (1993)--Directed by Jim Abrahams. Stars Charlie Sheen, Lloyd Bridges, Brenda
Bakke, Valeria Golino. AIRPLANE! and POLICE SQUAD creators Abrahams and Pat Proft concocted this RAMBO spoof, which is a sequel
to a TOP GUN parody. Sheen is sent into the Middle East to rescue some hostages from Saddam Hussein. Richard Crenna spoofs
himself by playing his FIRST BLOOD role, but for laughs this time. A pretty good mixture of sight gags, film parodies and
one-liners with Miguel Ferrer and Charlie's pop Martin Sheen in a pretty funny APOCALYPSE NOW joke.
HOT STUFF
(1979)--Directed by Dom DeLuise. Stars Dom DeLuise, Suzanne Pleshette, Jerry Reed, Ossie Davis. DeLuise's directorial debut
was this OK cop comedy about a trio of Miami cops who set up a sting operation to trap burglars dealing stolen merchandise.
The stars are amiable, and the laughs are frequent enough.
HOT SUMMER IN BAREFOOT COUNTY (1974)--Directed
by Will Zens. Stars Don Jones, Sherry Robinson. Jeff Wilson (Jones), a special agent from the Big City, goes undercover
in rural Barefoot County to investigate a bootleg liquor ring. He falls in love with Mary Ann (Robinson), not knowing
that she, her two teenage sisters, and their mother are the bootleggers he’s looking for. What a moral quandary.
HOT SUMMER is more watchable than other Will Zens movies I’ve seen. It’s amateurish and cheap and has too
much cornpone slapstick, but it moves pretty well and the performances are sincere, if stiff. I’d say Jones is
about ten years too old for his role and not much of a leading man. There’s plenty of country music and good stunt
driving…and I imagine nudity, but, alas, I unfortunately saw a TV print. HOT SUMMER’s most interesting feature
is probably Jeff MacKay in his film debut as redneck Cullie Joe. If you’ve seen Donald Bellisario’s TV productions
(JAG, TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA), you probably remember MacKay (he was Magnum’s Navy pal Mac on
MAGNUM, P.I.).
H.O.T.S. (1979)--Directed by Gerald Seth
Sindell. Stars Susan Kiger, Lisa London, Pamela Jean Bryant, Kimberley Cameron, Lindsay Bloom, Danny Bonaduce.
Unquestionably the greatest film about strip football ever produced. You have to slog through a lot of tedious comedy
to get there, but the climax, which features a grudge football game between topless members of rival sororities, is worth
it. Since the bitchy girls of Pi won't let them into their sorority, sexy Honey (PLAYBOY Playmate Kiger), O'Hara (London),
Terri (PLAYBOY Playmate Bryant) and Sam (porn actress Cameron) decide to start their own. For vengeance's sake, they
pledge to steal the boyfriends of all the Pi girls, especially the hunky football captain who's dating Pi president Melody
(Bloom from SIXPACK ANNIE and COVER GIRL MODELS). Considering how packed the screenplay by Joan Buchanan and Cheri Caffaro
(the sultry star of GINGER whose husband, Don Schain, produced H.O.T.S.) is, it says something about Sindell's directorial
skills that H.O.T.S. doesn't move along very quickly. There's a swimming bear, two bumbling middle-aged robbers, a wet
T-shirt contest, a robot, campfire singalongs, a hot air balloon, topless skydiving, a shower scene (within the first 40 seconds),
a catfight, a trained seal and a couple of musical numbers by ex-PARTRIDGE FAMILY moppet Bonaduce. The parts don't add
up to very much, to be sure. However, after the closing spectacle of the topless football match, it's likely that's
all you will remember about H.O.T.S., leaving you feeling more satisfied than the film deserves. Also with K.C. Winkler,
Dick Bakalyan, Louis Guss, Ken Olfson, Steve Bond, Mary Steelsmith and Angela Aames.
THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1939)--Directed
by Sidney Lanfield. Stars Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Richard Greene, Lionel Atwill, John Carradine. The first and one of
the best Rathbone/Bruce Sherlock Holmes pictures. This adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's story finds Holmes and Watson
investigating nobleman Greene's attack by a mysterious beast. Moody atmosphere and chemistry between the leads add up to a
fun mystery. Later installments would update the setting from Victorian England to World War II London. The only Rathbone/Bruce
film to refer to Holmes's drug habit--"Watson, the needle!" Mary Gordon plays next-door neighbor Mrs. Hudson.
THE
HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1959)--Directed by Terence Fisher. Stars Peter Cushing, Andre Morell, Christopher Lee.
The first Sherlock Holmes film shot in color is also one of the best ever made. Oddly, despite Hammer's tendency towards series,
this was their only Holmes adventure. Cushing is one of the finest performers to don the deerstalker cap, and his Holmes is
an excitable, even swashbuckling, sleuth. He and Watson (a very good Morell) travel to Baskerville Hall to prevent the last
surviving heir, Sir Henry (Lee), from falling victim to the Baskerville Curse, which has taken the lives of his male ancestors,
including, most recently, his uncle Charles. Blessed with a bombastic musical score by James Bernard, tight direction by Hammer
vet Fisher, and a fine cast of British character actors, HOUND is a terrific example of a Victorian-era mystery mixed with
a dash of the horrific elements for which the studio was known. It obviously was not a hit with contemporary audiences--Hammer
would no doubt have made more Holmes movies if it had--but deserves its due today. Also with Francis DeWolff, Marla Landi,
David Oxley, Ewen Solon and a scene-stealing Miles Malleson as a dotty bishop. Lee and Cushing, who had already appeared together
in HORROR OF DRACULA and CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, did THE MUMMY for Hammer next.
HOUR OF THE ASSASIN
(1987)--Directed by Luis Llosa. Stars Erik Estrada, Robert Vaughn. CHIPS star Estrada plays an ex-Green Beret in this dull
actioner who is hired to kill the president-elect of a small Central American country. CIA agent Vaughn pursues him. Lots
of action and intrigue, but little plot and poor acting by the leads. From the director of THE SPECIALIST.
HOUSE (1986)--Directed by Steve Miner.
Stars William Katt, George Wendt, Kay Lenz, Richard Moll. New World had quite a hit with this silly but fun horror movie,
which was shot in 40 days for just over a million bucks. Former GREATEST AMERICAN HERO Katt plays Roger Cobb, a best-selling
horror author who moves into the majestic house in which he grew up in order to write a book about his experiences in Vietnam.
Life has been a bummer for Rog since his soap actress wife Sandy (Lenz) left him, his son vanished and his elderly aunt committed
suicide in the upstairs bedroom. He's also haunted by 'Nam flashbacks featuring his psycho army buddy "Big" Ben (Moll),
which further lead Roger to doubt his sanity when he opens the upstairs closet and is attacked by some sort of monster.
In fact, the entire house is haunted by cheap-looking rubber monsters from an alternate dimension that prey upon the deepest
guilt and fears of their victims. With only portly new pal Harold (Wendt) by his side, can Roger both discover the whereabouts
of his young son and put his 'Nam tragedy behind him once and for all, while simultaneously preventing the neighbor's dog
from digging up the dead monster corpse buried in the backyard?
Although made by Miner and producer Sean S. Cunningham, who were
involved in the first three FRIDAY THE 13TH movies, HOUSE is a relatively bloodless and not very scary movie that is nonetheless
good for a few giggles. It isn't a straight comedy, but it is an effective mix of mild chills and chuckles and features
very good performances by Katt, whose solid presence helps to ground the goofy monsters in reality, and Wendt, whose comic
timing is impeccable. Because of Roger's recent hardships, we don't know at first--and neither does he--whether the
demons he's fighting are real or just figments of his psychologically frail imagination, and Katt does a nice job of pulling
this off. Technically, HOUSE is a bit better than one could expect, considering the budget, especially Harry Manfredini's
effective score and the fine sets and camerawork (the opening crane shot is a doozy). James Cummings' makeup effects
are a bit rubbery and rely too much on goofy grins, but they also add to HOUSE's cheezy charm. Also with former Miss
World Mary Stavin, Michael Ensign, Susan French, Alan Autry, Mindy Sterling and Steven Williams. Three sequels followed
HOUSE, with Katt returning only for a brief turn in HOUSE IV.
HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987)--Directed
by Ethan Wiley. Stars Arye Gross, Jonathan Stark, Lar Park Lincoln, Royal Dano, Amy Yasbeck, John Ratzenberger.
The subtitle is the wittiest part of this silly sequel, which is more of a comedy than a horror film. You know you're
in trouble when your action hero is played by nebbishy Arye Gross as Jesse, who moves into his family's spooky old mansion
with his record executive girlfriend Kate (Lincoln). Along for the ride are Jesse's irresponsible buddy Charlie (Stark)
and his rock singer-wannabe girl Jana (Yasbeck). While creeping around the old manse's cellar, Jesse comes across some
old photos of his great-great-grandfather Jesse, who was buried with a mysterious crysta
|
