Reeves, who began his film career in 1939 as one of the Tarleton twins in GONE WITH THE WIND, became a television legend, due to his starring role in the syndicated kids adventure series THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, which ran 104 episodes in the 1950s, and has not only been rerun in perpetuity since, but is also now available on DVD.  During his SUPERMAN period, Reeves’ companion was a slightly older woman named Toni Mannix, who was the wife of Eddie Mannix, the vice president of MGM.  Toni’s affair with Reeves was an open secret, though Mannix’s alleged underworld connections give credence to theories that either he killed Reeves for dating his wife or that Toni did out of jealousy after George left her for a younger woman that he apparently planned to marry.

HOLLYWOODLAND, the feature debut of television director Allen Coulter (THE SOPRANOS), tells its story through the eyes and the prominent proboscis of private eye Louis Simo (Adrien Brody).  At first, I thought the film was going to take the CITIZEN KANE path and use Simo as Welles did William Alland’s reporter, interviewing those who knew Reeves and then flashing back to periods of the SUPERMAN star’s life.  It should have.

Unfortunately, Coulter spends too much time with Simo’s domestic problems.  I couldn’t care less about Simo’s son’s depression over his TV hero’s death, his fights with his ex-wife, or his alternate job taking pictures of a cuckolded husband’s wife.  None of this has anything to do with George Reeves or good drama, for that matter.  Somehow, I get the impression that Coulter and his screenwriter believed they were making a film about a down-and-out detective and not one of Hollywood’s most intriguing mysteries.

George Reeves is essayed by a miscast Ben Affleck, who admittedly gets Reeves’ voice down, but neither looks like the star nor duplicates the charisma that made him a hero to millions of children.  Better is Diane Lane as Toni Mannix, with Bob Hoskins as her husband.  Production values are solid, considering the low budget, though the film does feature more than its fair share of historical inaccuracies (such as a mention of Esso stations, which didn’t exist in L.A. during the ‘50s).  Warner Brothers forbade Coulter to use clips from THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, forcing the director to re-create the opening titles using a soundalike score.  Reportedly, Warners also forbade Focus Features and Miramax from using Superman’s eminent “S” logo in HOLLYWOODLAND’s marketing, though it does appear on Affleck’s chest in the film.

Reeves, I don’t think, comes across well in HOLLYWOODLAND.  Setting aside his long-term relationship with a married woman, he is portrayed by Affleck as charming (as best Affleck can, I suppose), but also shallow, desperate and ashamed of his Superman fame.  I think the worst tragedy surrounding Reeves’ death, at least if HOLLYWOODLAND can be believed, is that he was either never aware or never proud of the joy that he brought to so many people.  THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, while cheaply produced from overly puerile scripts, remains a joy to watch more than fifty years later, and that’s mainly due to the twinkling charm of George Reeves, whose Superman was stern but fair with criminals and a friend to those in need.  It is a tremendous shame that he was unable to enjoy bringing so much pleasure to so many, young and old.

HOLOCAUST 2000 (1978)--Directed by Alberto De Martino. Stars Kirk Douglas, Simon Ward, Agostina Belli, Virginia McKenna, Ivo Garrani, Spiros Focas. It can be very amusing to see major movie stars of Kirk Douglas's stature slumming in awful movies. It is not amusing and more than a bit embarrassing to see Douglas standing bare-assed against a sloppy process screen flashing footage of cheap-looking rubber monsters. Did Kirk have a house payment to make or something?

This Italian-English production from the director of THE PUMA MAN is basically one of many late-'70s ripoffs of THE OMEN. Douglas plays Robert Caine, an American businessman based in London who's planning to build a nuclear reactor in a Middle Eastern desert. The idealistic Caine is quite sincere about using his wealth and power to provide for an energy-starved world, although his wife Eva (McKenna), who owns the majority of the company's shares, plans to shut the project down. That obstacle is taken care of when Eva is stabbed to death during an assassination attempt on Caine's life. There's very little mourning in the Caine household as Robert quickly falls in love with a very pretty and very young photographer named Sara (Belli) and son Angel (Ward) becomes more involved in the power plants construction.

Strange events begin to transpire--Eva's killer warns Robert that he's the origin of evil; Prime Minister Harbin (Focas) is decapitated by a helicopter blade soon after forbidding Caine to construct the reactor in his country; Caine has a nightmare in which he's running naked across the beach before visions of his power plant rising from the ocean and transforming into a multi-headed dragon; Sara announces that she's pregnant with Robert's child. It soon becomes quite clear (to the audience, if not to the characters) that Angel is actually the Anti-Christ, and plans to use the nuclear reactor to destroy the world and purify the Earth.

The sloppy and confusing screenplay by De Martino, Aldo De Martino, Sergio Donati (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST) and Michael Robson is filled with dialogue and plot contrivances that can only be referred to as howlers. My favorite is predicated on the extremely unlikely possibility that a trained nurse would confuse a bottle of vitamins with a bottle of poison and accidentally feed the poison to dozens of babies in a nursery. Yeah, I realize the Son of Satan had a hand in the mistake, but the way it's presented by director De Martino, the scene is pretty hard to swallow. The sets, special effects and computer graphics are of the slapdash variety, and, not only Douglas and Ward, but also top-notch actors like Anthony Quayle, Adolfo Celi and Geoffrey Keen (as an abortionist) are sadly wasted. Ennio Morricone's screechy score is not among his best.

Despite the movie's deficiencies, I have to admit that HOLOCAUST 2000 was rarely dull. The crude editing and confusing story forced me to pay closer attention to the unintentionally hilarious goings-on, including the not-bad gore effects, Ward's slimy performance, and the slightly creepy romance between Douglas and Belli, who appears to be reading her dialogue phonetically. I also got a laugh at the highly complex computer center, which consists of glass walls, blue neon lights and huge numbers on the monitor. The ending is very strange, and was probably re-edited or radically altered during post-production since Douglas is nowhere to be seen, even though his character is directly involved in it. AIP released the movie in the United States under the title THE CHOSEN, although my OOP VHS from Vestron Video is called HOLOCAUST 2000 on the box and on the print itself. Douglas's next projects were, amazingly, even worse: Hal Needham's Looney Tunes homage THE VILLAIN and Stanley Donen's (!) outer-space sleazefest SATURN 3.

HORROR OF DRACULA (1958)--Directed by Terence Fisher. Stars Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Michael Gough, John Van Eyssen, Melissa Stribbling. Hammer's classic is one of the all-time great horror films, and has influenced countless numbers of vampire films ever since. Lee remains the definitive Bram Stoker vampire, even ahead of Bela Lugosi and Gary Oldman, even though he has barely a line of dialogue. His Count is a combination of grace, athleticism and sheer sexuality. He played Count Dracula in six sequels; Cushing portrayed heroic Dr. Van Helsing in three. The exciting climax with Cushing using a pair of candlesticks as a crucifix before tearing down an enormous curtain to expose Lee to the bright sunlight is one of the genre's most famous. Film was enormously popular with audiences in England and the United States, and, along with the previous year's CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, permanently typecast Cushing, Lee and director Fisher in the horror genre for the rest of their long, distinguished careers. Carol Marsh plays the possessed Lucy. Scripted by Jimmy Sangster, who took a few liberties with Stoker's novel in order to make it more accessible and exciting. Rousing score by Hammer vet James Bernard. Bernard Robinson's sets are breathtakingly creative; check out the giant globe in Dracula's library. Probably the greatest vampire film ever.

THE HOSPITAL (1971)--Directed by Arthur Hiller. Stars George C. Scott, Diana Rigg, Barnard Hughes. Paddy Chayefsky won the Academy Award for his original screenplay, which I thought was too talky and could have been subtler. Scott plays Herb Bock, the chief of surgery at a major Manhattan hospital, who is impotent, lonely and considering suicide following his divorce. He tries to find relief in his work, but the hospital is a madhouse--overworked, understaffed, patients are popping in left and right with absolutely no end to the craziness in sight. To make things worse, someone is murdering doctors, and using the hospital staffs own incompetence to do it. Herb meets Barbara Drummond (Rigg), a free-spirited young woman who wishes to remove her comatose father (Hughes) from the hospital, and return him to an Indian reservation, and they fall in love after Herb attempts to rape her in a suicidal rage (ah, those politically incorrect '70s). Chayefsky and Hiller do their best to vent their rage against the messed-up American health-care system (which hasn't improved a whit nearly three decades later)--and they do hit their target from time to time--but, like Oliver Stone at his worst, they use a sledgehammer approach in delivering their message, which isn't necessary since we got the joke in the first ten minutes. Also with Richard Dysart, Stephen Elliott, Donald Harron, Andrew Duncan, Nancy Marchand, Richard Hamilton, Katherine Helmond, Robert Walden, Frances Sternhagen and Roberts Blossom. Keep an eye peeled during the emergency room scene for Stockard Channing and Dennis Dugan in unbilled bits. Music by Morris Surdin. Hiller's follow-up to LOVE STORY.

HOSPITAL MASSACRE (1981)--Directed by Boaz Davidson.  Stars Barbi Benton, Chip Lucia, Jon Van Ness, John Warner Williams.  Sitcom actress, recording artist and Playmate Barbi Benton went all the way to Israel to receive her first above-the-title billing in an American film. Unfortunately, it was to star in a Cannon slasher movie. A Golan/Globus production. Made by the director of THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN. Poor Barbi.

HOT PURSUIT (1987)--Directed by Steven Lisberger. Stars John Cusack, Wendy Gazelle, Robert Loggia. After college student Cusack fails an exam, he is forced to skip girlfriend Gazelle's cruise with her parents. He is reprieved at the last moment, however, and goes on a perilous three-day journey, including teaming up with grizzled sea captain Loggia, in order to catch up with Gazelle. Cusack is an enormously likable comic lead, but the film just doesn't have enough laughs or charm. Also with Monte Markham, Shelley Fabares, and Jerry Stiller.

HOT RESORT (1985)--Directed by John Robins. Stars Michael Berz, Tom Parsekian, Bronson Pinchot, Frank Gorshin, Daniel Schneider. Another dumb teen comedy about three horny summer employees at an exclusive resort who audition for a TV commercial by competing in a boat race. Lots of gross humor and naked women, including PENTHOUSE Pet of the Year Linda Kenton. For Pinchot fans only, and you know who you are.

HOUSE OF DRACULA (1945)--Directed by Erle C. Kenton. Stars John Carradine, Lon Chaney, Jr., Lionel Atwill, Glenn Strange. Another fun, fast-paced product from the Universal horror factory. Carradine as Count Dracula, Chaney as Larry Talbot the Wolf Man, and Strange as the mute Frankenstein Monster team up to wreak more havoc in 19th-century Europe. Carradine is a charismatic vampire, especially when hypnotizing a piano-playing Jane Addams. Atwill plays a police inspector trying to make some sense out of the mayhem. The last of Universal's "serious" monster movies before the studio began teaming up their classic creatures with Abbott & Costello. Jack Pierce did the superb makeup.

HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS (2004)--Directed by Zhang Yimou.  Stars Ziyi Zhang, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau.  Ziyi Zhang (God, I love her shoulders) is a blind dancer named Mei who becomes involved with an underground group of assassins called the House of the Flying Daggers. A flip policeman named Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro) pretends to help her escape from jail so she can lead him and his men to the House's leader.  It's very similar to Yimou's HERO with lush locations, balletic martial-arts battles, tragic love stories, and the porcelain Ziyi, as lovely a woman as ever graced a film screen.  I don't understand why American filmmakers haven't embraced an actress this enchanting who can also move well and speak passable English.  At least she appeared to be able to speak English when she acted in RUSH HOUR 2, although it's possible she learned her lines phonetically.  She's young, still, and worth keeping an eye on.  Anita Mui was supposed to have a role in HOUSE, but died before shooting commenced; Yimou dedicated his film to her.

HOUSE OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN (1973)--Directed by Carlos Aured.  Stars Paul Naschy, Maria Perschy.  If European women are your thing, HOUSE OF PSYCHOTIC WOMEN offers some very lovely eye candy. This Spanish thriller stars Paul Naschy, a very famous Spanish horror star who often wrote his screenplays using his real name of Jacinto Molina. He and director Aured collaborated on this movie that appears to be influenced by the violent giallos popular in Italy at the time.

Naschy plays Gilles, a drifter who takes a job as a handyman at the country estate inhabited by three sisters hampered by psychological problems. Yvette (Maria Perschy) is in a wheelchair, an invalid since the mysterious accident that disfigured the right arm and hand of Claude (Diana Lorys), who's quite self-conscious about the artificial appendage she now sports. The third sister, Nicole (Eva Leon), is a nymphomaniac who comes on to the squat, hairy Gilles from the very start (Naschy looks a little like a stockier Bluto Blutarsky). Also in the house is Yvette's new nurse, Michelle (Ines Morales), giving Aured four very sexy women to parade before his camera.  Meanwhile, someone is hacking to death young blonde women, cutting out their blue eyes, and collecting them in a bowl of water. Local constable Pierre is having a devil of a time cutting through the red herrings and finding the real killer. You can pretty much guess that the murderer isn't Gilles, the obvious choice who hallucinates about strangling women and whose ass gets snatched in a bear trap.

I like this movie a lot, even though it rarely goes in the direction you expect it to. The surprise denouement plays fair, more or less, and the murder scenes are properly shocking. Juan Carlos Calderon contributes a marvelous musical score that smartly integrates "Frere Jacques" to good effect. None of the women in this Independent-International film are really psychotic, but you can chalk up the lurid title to the salesmanship of I-I huckster Sam Sherman.  Aured and Naschy worked together four times in 1973, including VENGEANCE OF THE MUMMY and HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB. 

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1974)--Directed by Pete Walker. Stars Penny Irving, Ann Michelle, Barbara Markham, Sheila Keith, Robert Tayman, Dorothy Gordon, Patrick Barr. Despite its lurid poster art, sleazy premise and exploitative title, this British-made thriller isn't nearly as violent as you may think. The beatings and whippings take place almost entirely off-screen, yet you still may want to take a shower after experiencing its lurid atmosphere. A batty old couple--a judge (Barr) and a womens prison warden (Markham) who were let go after the death of a prisoner--open their own prison for wayward females in the desolate English countryside. They send their son, Mark E. Desade (Tayman), into London to seduce young women who have offended their high moral sensibilities and lure them within the prison walls. Our heroine is a 19-year-old French model named Ann-Marie (Irving) who has committed the heinous offense of posing nude for a photo layout. Unfortunately, Ann-Marie is such a brainless simp that you'll be begging for her to be tortured. Walker really lays on the degradation, but his direction is so assured and the performances are so professional that it's difficult to be offended. Also with Judy Robinson and Ray Brooks. Walker gives himself a cameo as a bicycler. Music by Stanley Myers.

HOUSE ON GREENAPPLE ROAD (1970)—Directed by Robert Day. Stars Christopher George, Janet Leigh, Tim O’Connor, William Windom, Peter Mark Richman, Lawrence Dane, Burr DeBenning. George plays Santa Luisa police detective Dan August in this taut telefilm that spawned a Quinn Martin-produced TV series. George opted to do THE IMMORTAL instead, so Burt Reynolds landed the lead in DAN AUGUST. Both series lasted just a single season. August investigates a bloody kitchen and the missing woman, Marian Ord (Leigh), to whom it belongs. Flashbacks introduce us to suspects from Marian’s double life, including lifeguard DeBenning, hood Richman, reverend Dane, and country club exec Windom. Great cast, solidly constructed mystery, and a neat twist made this a ratings hit for ABC. Based on Harold Daniels’ THE RED KITCHEN MURDER, it was also uncommonly sexy and gory for television, but Martin had quite a lot of pull with the network. Also with Walter Pidgeon, Lynda Day George, Eve Plumb, Ned Romero (who reprised his role in the DAN AUGUST series), Edward Asner, Julie Harris, Barry Sullivan, Joanne Linville, Geoffrey Deuel, Paul Fix, and Keenan Wynn as August’s wry partner. British director Day, who made the shift to American television a few years earlier on Martin’s THE INVADERS and THE FBI, was the natural choice to helm the producer’s first TV-movie. Music by Duane Tatro.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999)--Directed by William Malone. Stars Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Ali Larter, Peter Gallagher, Chris Kattan, Bridgette Wilson, Jeffrey Combs. Just a few months after DreamWorks released a special-effects-filled remake of Robert Wise's 1963 haunted house classic THE HAUNTING, Warner Brothers followed suit with this more serious revamping of 1958's HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, which starred Vincent Price in one of his earliest horror roles and was directed by legendary showman William Castle (who released HOUSE in a process he called Emergo: a glow-in-the-dark skeleton which glided across the theater ceiling on wires during the show!). Dick Beebe's (THE NET) screenplay contains the same basic plot as the original (Robb White, who penned Castle's film, receives story credit on the remake): a group of strangers are promised $1,000,000 each if they can manage to spend the night in an allegedly haunted mansion without being killed by dawn.

In Malone's film, the house is the former Vannacutt Institute for the Criminally Insane, which has been empty ever since a 1931 patient riot and fire that killed all but five patients and staff. 68 years later, amusement park magnate Steven Price (Rush, hamming it up big time in a dandy ascot and John Waters mustache) invites five strangers to the abandoned asylum, where he has prepared a few scares for his party guests, to attend a birthday party for his wife Evelyn (Janssen). Steven and Evelyn loathe each other, and even believe themselves to be murder targets of their spouse. The party's guest list includes: former major league baseball player Eddie (Diggs); physician Donald Blackburn (Gallagher); Sarah (Larter), a recently-fired Hollywood assistant posing as her studio executive ex-boss; Melissa Marr (Wilson), a vain ex-game show hostess; and the jittery Watson Pritchett (Kattan), the house's reluctant new owner. As the night progresses, many characters will die, others will be suspected of murder, and all will be surprised to learn that the real danger lies within the house itself.

While certainly nothing new, HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL benefits from a few shocking moments, a game cast, and an extraordinary performance by Rush. A Best Actor Oscar winner for SHINE, Rush doesn't give any indication of slumming it in this low-budget ($19 million) horror flick, savoring every juicy morsel of dialogue and rolling his tongue across every droll line. While director Malone denies that Rush was influenced by Vincent Price, this seems a specious claim at best, in that Rush looks and, especially in the way he delivers some of his wittiest lines, sounds almost exactly like the legendary horror star. Not that Rush is ripping off Price, but he certainly demonstrates an appreciation for the original HOUSE's star. Janssen (GOLDENEYE) also has a lot of fun with her bitchy role, going head-to-head with Rush every step of the way. Larter (FINAL DESTINATION) is properly plucky as the female lead, and Kattan (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE) provides amusing comic relief. Gallagher manages to lend his bland doctor a few clever moments, while Diggs and Wilson are stuck with their stock characters.

Refreshingly, Malone mostly eschews contemporary CGI effects, mostly relying on old-fashioned miniatures, opticals and in-camera mechanical effects. Supervised by Robert Skotak (a two-time Oscar winner whose association with Malone goes back to the 1985 gorefest CREATURE with Klaus Kinski), the effects work very well, including some creepy creature makeup by the KNB Group. Much more horrifying than THE HAUNTING, HOUSE provides quite a few terrifying images that may surprise fans of Castle's quaint original. Beebe's script contains plenty of plotholes (like a California sun that rises in the west!), but they mostly whiz by under Malone's brisk pace and the cast's fun effort.

Also with Max Perlich, Lisa Loeb, James Marsters, Debi Mazar (who was left on the cutting room floor, but can be seen in the deleted scenes contained on the DVD), Peter Graves, Jeannette Lewis and writer Beebe. Peppy score by Don Davis (THE MATRIX). Robert Zemeckis and Joel Silver produced, while Terry Castle (William's daughter) served as co-producer.

HOW TO BEAT THE HIGH COST OF LIVING (1980)--Directed by Robert Scheerer. Stars Susan Saint James, Jane Curtin, Jessica Lange. Comedy about three Oregon housewives who pull off a daring shopping-mall caper is directed on the level of a TV sitcom. In fact, Saint James and Curtin were veterans of TV, while Lange's career was just starting out. Consumer spoof scores a few laughs and there is good chemistry between the leads; in fact, Saint James and Curtin went on to star in KATE & ALLIE together. Good support from Richard Benjamin, Fred Willard and Dabney Coleman.

HULK (2003)--Directed by Ang Lee.  Stars Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliott, Nick Nolte.  Lee and screenwriter James Schamus, who previously collaborated on the surprise martial-arts drama CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, bring an arthouse sensibility to this adaptation of a Marvel Comics character created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1963.  Young scientist Bruce Banner (Australian Bana, masking his native accent), while working in a nuclear biotechnics lab, is accidentally exposed to an overdose of gamma radiation.  That, combined with some extra chemicals introduced into his bloodstream by his father David (Nolte) as a child, transforms Bruce into a 15-foot-tall green brute whenever he becomes angry or outraged.  Uncontrollable and highly destructive to persons and property, this fantastically powerful "hulk" is set upon by military forces led by General "Thunderbolt" Ross (Elliott), the estranged father of Bruce's former girlfriend Betty (Connelly).

It's a shame that Lee and Schamus were clearly embarrassed to be adapting a Marvel comic, because I really think they could have made something fun from it.  And that's the key word. Fun. HULK is no fun. It's boring, dark, depressing, needlessly arty and way too intense for small children.  I couldn't understand what Lee was thinking during the first forty minutes or so. What was the point of adding the pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo and stuff about genetics and Banner's father and super serums?  Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's origin, updated slightly by Kenneth Johnson in the 1970's TV series, is perfect. Normal guy gets hit with an overdose of gamma radiation--BAM!--he's the Hulk. He gets mad or agitated, he Hulks out. This could have been done in the first 15 minutes of HULK, and the film's pace would have been improved.

Dramatically, HULK doesn't work either. I never believed Bana and Connelly loved each other, which renders the film's emotional thrust moot. It takes the easy way out by making Elliott's character a one-dimensional military man with blinders, and never considers the fact that what Elliott says about Bana being a dangerous menace is actually true.  Instead of delving into these ethics, HULK is content with its "military-bad/scientist-good" mentality--which would be fine in a more simplistic popcorn movie. But HULK dreams of being existential and arty, right down to a bewildering climax that rivals THE BLACK HOLE for incomprehensibility.

As for the controversial CGI, I think it works okay in long shots, but no way is it convincing in the daylight or in closeups. What Lee should have done was dressed Bana in Hulk makeup for the closeups and used CGI to make him look larger, much as Peter Jackson did in making his human-sized actors look smaller in the LORD OF THE RINGS series. I imagine some animatronic Hulk models were used too, but more would have helped.

I liked the cameo appearances by Stan Lee and Lou Ferrigno (who played the Hulk opposite Bill Bixby's Banner in the TV show) and Bana's final line, which is a tribute to the Ferrigno series, but Danny Elfman, whose score is no more than Generic Superhero Bombast, missed a great opportunity to use Joe Harnell's "Lonely Man" theme somewhere.  The actors are serviceable, but no better. I could stare at Jennifer Connelly all night, and her performance is the best, but there isn't any genuine weight to the story, so what can the actors do?  Also with Josh Lucas, Paul Kersey, Cara Buono, Geoffrey Scott and Todd Tesen.  HULK, rather than THE HULK, is the on-screen title.

THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS (1964)--Directed by Hugo Grimaldi. Stars George Nader, Barbara Nichols, Richard Kiel, Hugh Beaumont, Richard Arlen, George Macready. Silly sci-fi about an alien giant (Kiel) who plots to take over the earth by duplicating powerful government officials. Secret agent Nader sets out to stop Kiel, but is duplicated himself. To say that the sets and special effects appear to be a little on the cheap side would be an extreme understatement. Kiel played Jaws in the James Bond films; Beaumont was previously Beaver and Wally's pop. Nader, dull as always, was in the classic ROBOT MONSTER!

THE “HUMAN” FACTOR (1975)—Directed by Edward Dmytryk.  Stars George Kennedy, John Mills, Rita Tushingham.  CAINE MUTINY director Dmytryk hung it up after making this decent thriller in Italy.  Kennedy commands the picture as John Kinsdale, a government computer expert working in Naples who goes postal after terrorists murder his wife and children in their home.  Beaten, depressed, with no reason to live, Kinsdale recruits his even smarter co-worker McAllister (Mills) to help use the office’s state-of-the-art technology (of course, sadly obsolete and even laughable today) to track down the killers so he can enact some vigilante justice.  The best parts are when Big George furiously lays some smack down on the bad guys, bashing one with a chain and machine-gunning a bunch in a grocery store, all with a convincing look of fury on his face.  The scenes with not-so-graceful George running unsteadily down cobblestone paths are entertaining too, but for different reasons.  Ennio Morricone’s score isn’t one of his best, and FACTOR wastes Raf Vallone as the cop who ineffectively picks up after George (think Vincent Gardenia in DEATH WISH).  Also with Barry Sullivan, Arthur Franz and Shane Rimmer.  I have no idea what the “human factor” is or why it has quotation marks.

THE HUMAN TORNADO (1976)—Directed by Cliff Roquemore.  Stars Rudy Ray Moore, Lady Reed, Ernie Hudson, J.B. Baron.  Moore’s equally insane sequel to DOLEMITE finds the fat comedian on the run from redneck sheriff Baron, who kills his wife after finding her in bed with Dolemite (we’re treated to too many scenes of Rudy Ray’s naked rump in this movie).  The nerve-shattering, brain-battering, mind-splattering hero takes off to Los Angeles with his posse (which includes a bald, turtleneck-wearing Hudson as Bo), where he finds his old friend Queen Bee (Lady Reed) is in danger of losing her nightclub to mobsters.  Using his unique kung fu fighting style—but mostly his big mouth—Dolemite cracks his way through the L.A. nightlife, busting chops and dodging Baron’s bullets.  The hilarious opening credits are displayed on Moore’s giant cape, and the first several minutes of the film showcase his standup act.  Obviously not to be taken seriously, THE HUMAN TORNADO is more outlandish than DOLEMITE, if not particularly more polished.  Moore, who was ill-served as a supporting actor in THE MONKEY HUSTLE, returned to blow moviegoers minds in PETEY WHEATSTRAW (also directed—if you can call it that—by Roquemore) and AVENGING DISCO GODFATHER!

THE HUMANOID (1979)--Directed by Aldo Lado (as "George B. Lewis").  Stars Richard Kiel, Arthur Kennedy, Barbara Bach, Corinne Clery, Ivan Rassimov, Leonard Mann, Marco Yeh.  I can't get enough crazy Italian science fiction.  Like STAR CRASH, THE HUMANOID is a cheap and often hilarious ripoff of STAR WARS.  A good-natured astronaut named Golob (7'4" Kiel) is transformed into a hulking, growling, mindless, indestructible "humanoid" by renegade scientist Kraspin (Kennedy).  In the employ of malevolent dictator Graal (Rassimov), a megalomaniac garbed in black armor with plans to rule the galaxy, Kraspin plans to create an entire army of humanoid killing machines to aid in Graal's conquest.  Luckily, Kraspin veers from Graal's order to murder Earth's leader, "Great Brother", and sends Gorob to destroy pretty Barbara Gibson (Clery), who was responsible for the mad scientist's exile to an insane asylum.  Lucky because Barbara and her "pupil", a young Chinese boy named Tom-Tom (Yeh), force the evil and hatred from Gorob's mind, transforming him back into a gentle giant, albeit one who retains his super-strength and invulnerability.  Joining forces with hotshot warrior Nick (Mann), Barbara, Gorob and Tom-Tom, along with Gorob's robot dog Robodog (!), invade Graal's planetary base and blow everything up in the name of justice and goodness.  Oh, yeah.  When Kraspin isn't fiddling with his humanoid "serum" or raving about revenge against Barbara, he's killing topless women in a transparent iron maiden and draining their blood to keep Graal's future queen, the busty Lady Agatha (Bach), eternally young.

What's great about THE HUMANOID is how insane it all is.  Just when you think director Lado couldn't pull anything new out from under his hat, suddenly Graal starts firing blue blasts from his hands or heavenly angels with crossbows drop out of the sky at Tom-Tom's command to pull the good guys out of a tough spot.  It's also fun laughing at the obvious STAR WARS riffs; most of the characters are drawn directly from George Lucas' movie (with Kiel playing the Chewbacca part), even though Antonio Margheriti's visual effects pale next to their precursor--heck, they pale next to the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.