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HALF PAST DEAD (2002)--Directed
by Don Michael Paul. Stars Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut. Either you're the type of person who will
plop down good money to see a Steven Seagal movie or you aren't. If you aren't, you won't be seeing HALF PAST DEAD anyway,
Seagal's probably short-lived return to multiplexes after the direct-to-video disaster TICKER, a 12-day wonder in which the
Ponytailed Pugilist played a Bomb Squad cop chasing mad bomber Dennis Hopper. And if you are, you still probably won't
be seeing this, a stupefyingly silly prison flick that appears to be set in another universe (let's call it Earth-D, for "dumb").
Face the facts:
HALF PAST DEAD is the latest release by Franchise
Pictures, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of moviemaking. Among their productions in just the last two years are 3000 YEARS
TO GRACELAND, THE ACT OF WAR, ANGEL EYES, CITY BY THE SEA, GET CARTER, BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER, BATTLEFIELD EARTH, THE PLEDGE,
DRIVEN and FEARDOTCOM, ten films that collectively cost $542 million to make and grossed just over $200 million at the U.S.
box office. Franchise's owner, Elie Samaha, is facing a federal lawsuit on fraud charges, and its president, Andrew
Stevens, less than a decade ago was getting naked in movies like BODY CHEMISTRY 4. He's Cinemax's male equivalent of
Shannon Tweed, except less hot.
Michigan-born Seagal plays a Russian named Sasha
Petrosevitch. Ruben Blades is more Russian than Seagal, who never even attempts an accent. What's really funny
is that his character's ancestry plays no part in the film whatsoever, so why not just make him "Ed Smith" or whatever?
Surprisingly, this is not the film's most preposterous attribute.
Sasha
and his pal Nick (rapper Ja Rule) end up on "The Rock" after a shootout with the FBI. Sasha is shot saving Nick's life
and becomes the movie's title after being clinically dead for 22 minutes. Is it really possible that one can kick the
bucket from seven gunshot wounds on a cold, filthy, concrete warehouse floor for 22 minutes and still come back? Again,
not the most preposterous thing that happens.
New Alcatraz appears to be populated only by the
warden, two guards, about seven prisoners (all black, except for Seagal) and the most elaborate death chamber ever constructed,
where those on Death Row not only get to choose their own method of execution (from the five choices available to them), but
also spend their final days in front of a virtual window that gives the illusion of being in a desert or a major city.
Another judicious use of the taxpayers' money.
The electrocution execution of a born-again train
robber named Lester is interrupted by Donny (a miscast Morris Chestnut), whose gang stages a daring parachute raid on Alcatraz
in a blinding midnight rainstorm in order to force Lester to reveal the whereabouts of the $200 million in gold he swiped
two decades earlier. Donny's second-in-command is played by voomy Nia Peeples, whose midriff-baring leather catsuit,
mask of blue eye shadow and high-kicking kung fu make her look like a Japanese superhero. In fact, Donny's whole team
is costumed to look like Keanu Reeves in THE MATRIX, because slow-motion shots of long, flowing black coats are still hip,
right? Um, no.
At this point in his career, Seagal's on-screen
presence is closer to Victor Buono than Bruce Lee. Trading in his ponytail for a thick black rug reminiscent of John
Travolta's SWORDFISH eyesore, Seagal ambles through HALF PAST DEAD comically clad in a doo-rag and prison jumpsuit that does
little to disguise both his girth and his rapidly declining aikido skills that couldn't beat Hong Kong Phooey.
Donny's plan starts to fall apart not long after
his escape chopper smashes into the cellblock. Now, if you were imprisoned in a tiny space with a crashed helicopter
dangling three stories over your head, shooting off sparks, would you play basketball underneath it? Me neither.
But Nick and his new homeboys do, at least until Sasha convinces them to take up heavy weaponry and help him rescue Donny's
middle-aged white hostages, which include a prison official and a Supreme Court justice. These guys seem more like the
WHITE SHADOW kids than hardened criminals.
A-TEAM executive producer Stephen J. Cannell, of
all people, plays said prison official. Appropriate, I suppose, since I could finance Franchise's next disaster myself
if I had a dollar for every bullet fired in this movie that doesn't hit its target. Also popping up are HILL STREET
BLUES' erstwhile Belker, Bruce Weitz; Linda Thorson, last seen camping it up with Patrick Macnee on THE AVENGERS; and Claudia
Christian as the 232nd sexy/tough authority figure of her career. All that's missing is a ten-minute cameo by Ice-T
or Gary Busey, and we'd have the direct-to-video dud this was surely destined to be.
Throw in HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN screenwriter
Don Michael Paul making his big-screen directorial debut and the fact that Chuck Cunningham made a greater artistic impact
upon HAPPY DAYS than Seagal does in his muted role here, and you should have a pretty good idea of whether HALF PAST DEAD
is for you. One more indicator--if you've ever wandered down a video store aisle, picked up a box with a picture of
C. Thomas Howell holding a gun on the cover, and thought, "Hey, this looks good." Everyone else: caveat emptor.
HALLOWEEN (1978)--Directed by
John Carpenter. Stars Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence, P.J. Soles, Nancy Loomis, Charles Cyphers. "The night HE came home!"
It's impossible to overstate the importance of HALLOWEEN's success or the influence it has had on an entire generation of
filmmakers and filmgoers. Filmed mostly in Pasadena, California in 20 days on a budget of $320,000 (including $20,000 to Pleasence,
who worked five days), Carpenter's first horror movie became--at the time and for many years afterward--the most profitable
independent movie ever. Although most of the teenage slasher movies that followed in its wake are unworthy of comparison,
HALLOWEEN's basic scare-per-reel structure, use of first-person camera perspective, invulnerable killer, and spooky night
photography are still being used in cinema and television today. Carpenter certainly didn't invent these tricks, but his skillful
utilization of them has led to this film becoming a landmark of the horror genre.
The plot (by Carpenter and producer
Debra Hill) is basic enough: fifteen years after stabbing his sister to death in her bedroom, 21-year-old Michael Myers escapes
from a mental hospital, returns to his sleepy hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois, and, wearing a spooky-looking white mask
(actually a slightly altered mask of STAR TREK star William Shatner!), stalks three teenage girls--plucky good girl Laurie
(Curtis), sarcastic babysitter Annie (Loomis) and party girl Lynda (Soles)--on Halloween night. This was Carpenter's first
use of the widescreen Panavision process (shot by cinematographer Dean Cundey), and if you've only seen HALLOWEEN on television
in a pan-and-scan format, you're missing out. So much of the action occurs only peripherally--a ringing telephone in the corner
of the screen, or Myers's face gradually moving into the light as he stalks Laurie from behind. Surprisingly, Carpenter dispenses
with heavy gore (his imitators would not see fit to ape this decision), choosing instead to build suspense through the use
of shadows, pacing and his own relentless synth score.
Curtis (making her film debut) began her reign as the era's
leading scream queen here. She's very appealing and believable, and is able to engender sympathy for Laurie by not making
her a prude. Of course, Pleasence is wonderful as slightly loony psychiatrist Dr. Sam Loomis, who chases Myers all the way
to Haddonfield. He alone knows exactly what Michael is, and that he should be stopped, even if town sheriff Brackett (Cyphers)
considers Loomis to be a bit paranoid. According to Carpenter, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing were originally offered the
Loomis role, and although either would have been terrific, Pleasence's peculiar and edgy acting style seems fitting for this
character, who would grow more obsessive in sequels to follow.
Since HALLOWEEN was filmed in California during the
spring, a few non-Illinois palm trees and snow-capped mountains can be spotted in the background, and, although the Haddonfield
trees seem to be in full bloom, paper leaves were painted brown and scattered on the neighborhood lawns to give the illusion
of a Midwestern autumn. Also with Kyle Richards, Brian Andrews, John Michael Graham, Nancy Stephens (who, along with Jamie
Lee Curtis, would reprise her role in HALLOWEEN H20), Tony Moran and Nick Castle (later the director of THE LAST STARFIGHTER)
as The Shape. Released by Compass International Pictures (where are they today?).
HALLOWEEN II (1981)--Directed
by Rick Rosenthal. Stars Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Lance Guest. John Carpenter's classic HALLOWEEN, when released
in 1978, became not only the most profitable independent film of all time, but also one of the most influential horror films
ever made, spawning an army of imitations like FRIDAY THE 13TH, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and dozens more.
With teenagers forking over so much money to be scared, it seems only natural that Carpenter would be asked to reprise his
success and bring back bogeyman Michael Myers. Although he co-wrote and co-produced (with Debra Hill) and composed the score
(with Alan Howarth), Carpenter chose not to direct the sequel, handing the reins over to first-timer Rosenthal, whose short
films had impressed Carpenter.
Carpenter and Hill's brightest idea was in starting the sequel literally where the
first film left off--with mad shrink Dr. Loomis (Pleasence) blasting seven shots (although Loomis froths to anybody who'll
listen that he shot him six times) into Myers, saving the life of Michael's teenaged prey Laurie Strode (Curtis), and Myers'
spooky disappearance. "More of the Night HE Came Home" indeed, as Michael shambles through darkened Haddonfield, Illinois
on Halloween night, 1978, brutally murdering several more people in his search for Laurie, who has been taken to the local
hospital to patch up her wounds from the first film. It's quite an unusual hospital in that it has only one (drunk) doctor,
a few nurses, one (bumbling) security guard, no patients and little lighting. While Loomis waves his pistol around, ranting
madly about Myers being "pure EEE-vil" and Druid sacrifices, Laurie finds herself the confused target of Michael's murderous
wrath.
This is the film in which it's established that Michael
and Laurie are siblings and that the Strodes adopted Laurie when she was very young. In some ways, it's an interesting idea
in that it adds a bit more subtext and characterization to the bloody goings-on, yet it removes a great sense of dread from
the film. When Michael was just an all-knowing, indestructible killing machine with no rhyme or reason to his slaughter spree,
the audience had a sense of "it could happen to me". Now that we know Laurie is his ultimate target, as long as we stay out
of his way, there's no chance of Michael showing up on our doorstep with a scalpel in hand. Another unfortunate byproduct
is that Laurie is portrayed in HALLOWEEN II as kind of a simp in her limited screen time, too often crying and limping around
instead of taking charge, making it difficult to root for her.
As a director, Rosenthal is competent. The only times
he approaches the standard set by Carpenter in HALLOWEEN is when he apes certain shots, such as when Myers slowly appears
in the light over the shoulder of a soon-to-be victim. To be fair, he isn't really helped much by Carpenter and Hill's script,
which more-or-less repeats the generic stalk-and-slash format of their imitators, but with more creative methods of murder
this time around. Before, Myers was content to puncture his victims and move on. Now, he engages in such nifty ideas as drowning
a woman in a steaming whirlpool and draining the blood from another. Rosenthal has complained that Carpenter filmed all the
shots with gore in them in post-production, but I don't think they harm the picture. In fact, these moments, as well as a
few glimpses of female nudity, help to perk up what's basically a standard slasher film made slightly above-average by the
unrelenting terror of its monster and the intriguing maddening of the Loomis character, who cares only about stopping Myers
with no regard to the personal safety of others, including himself.
Also with HALLOWEEN alums Charles Cyphers, Nancy
Stephens and Nancy Loomis, THE PRACTICE executive producer Jeffrey Kramer, Pamela Susan Shoop, Leo Rossi, Ana Alicia, Ford
Rainey, Lucille Benson, Jonathan Prince, Leigh French and a brief bit by Dana Carvey. Stunt coordinator Dick Warlock plays
Myers. Carpenter and Howarth's electronically enhanced score features the same themes as HALLOWEEN, but it doesn't feel as
threatening this time around. Cinematographer Dean Cundey (who worked with Carpenter on HALLOWEEN and THE FOG), production
designer J. Michael Riva and editor Mark Goldblatt went on to earn Oscar nominations for their work in big Hollywood movies.
Pleasence returned for HALLOWEEN 4-6, while Curtis reprised her role in HALLOWEEN H20. Rosenthal also directed HALLOWEEN 8,
which as yet is still on the shelf.
HALLOWEEN III--SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982)--Directed by Tommy
Lee Wallace. Stars Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Dan O'Herlihy, Al Berry. A misleading title and the absence of any characters
or plot threads from the previous two HALLOWEENs spelled doom for this imaginative sequel. Blessed with a sturdy performance
by Atkins (THE FOG) as an alcoholic physician and solid direction by first-time helmer Wallace (who had been the editor and
production designer on John Carpenter's THE FOG and HALLOWEEN), HALLOWEEN III now comes across as an extremely silly but fun
little thriller...but only if you don't ask too many questions and don't take it very seriously.
HALLOWEEN III opens
very well, with a long shot of a frightened man running from a carload of business-suited pursuers and attempting to hide
in a junkyard. After fighting off one of his stoic stalkers, the man finds help at a nearby gas station, and is taken to the
hospital where Dr. Challis (Atkins) is on call. The man, toy store owner Harry Grimbridge (Berry), seems hysterical, clutching
a Halloween mask and babbling, "They're going to kill us all." Challis dismisses these rantings, until Harry's skull is ripped
apart by a murderer who then blows himself up in a car parked outside the hospital. Mystified at this strange behavior and
curious about the mask, which is manufactured by a company called Silver Shamrock, Challis meets Harry's daughter Ellie (Nelkin),
who's convinced something happened to her father on his recent trip to Silver Shamrock's factory in nearby Santa Mira. The
two drive up to this sleepy Northern California company town, where all the residents seem a bit, er, odd in that INVASION
OF THE BODY SNATCHERS pod person kind of way (Don Siegel's 1956 INVASION was, in fact, set in Santa Mira, California--an obvious
in-joke on writer Wallace's part).
Up to this point, HALLOWEEN III is really a neat little mystery with several intriguing
questions. Who was Harry escaping from? Who's going to kill us all? And how? And how does the Silver Shamrock plant tie into
everything? Some of those questions are answered after Challis and Ellie meet Conal Cochran (O'Herlihy), owner of Silver Shamrock,
and the film's tone switches into full-blown comic book mode. It seems Cochran has a mad plot to take over the world using
the Silver Shamrock masks, which have seemingly been purchased by every kid in the U.S. at least. Cochran and his robot army
of business-suited henchmen have stolen one of the five-ton slabs of Stonehenge and transported it to his factory, where he
has used its power to manufacture deadly microchips and implant them into each mask. At 9:00 pm on Halloween night, the maddening
Silver Shamrock television commercial, snippets of which are played at regular intervals in the film ("Happy, happy Halloween...Halloween...Halloween...Happy,
happy Halloween...Silver Shamrock!), will activate the microchips and turn the heads of the children wearing the masks into
beetles and snakes!
The how ("You'd never believe it.") and why ("Do I need a reason?") of Cochran's plan are amusingly
ignored in Wallace's plot, but I admire his brashness at creating such a ridiculous and laughable idea. To be fair, if this
story appeared in a Dr. Doom Marvel comic, no one would blink an eye, but in the context of this film at least, it only inspires
plenty of unintended laughs. After a decent and relatively restrained setup, HALLOWEEN III degenerates into a completely implausible
climax, which includes Atkins battling a detached robot arm and a very lame special effect of a burning building.
Character
actor Atkins does very well in a rare leading role, but he was 47 at the time, and his love scenes with the very young-looking
Nelkin (UP THE ACADEMY) raise a few eyebrows. Oddly, this film is gorier than the first two HALLOWEENs, with makeup man Tom
Burman providing a spurting severed head and other grisly effects. SF author Nigel Kneale (QUATERMASS AND THE PIT) reportedly
wrote the initial screenplay, but removed his name because of the high gore content. Carpenter served as a producer and composer,
and his idea was to do a HALLOWEEN feature every year using completely unrelated stories and characters. After SEASON OF THE
WITCH (there are no witches in the film) failed to become a success, executive producer Moustapha Akaad decided to bring back
Michael Myers (who had burned up in HALLOWEEN II) for the fourth entry, and Carpenter washed his hands of the franchise. Also
with Michael Currie, Nancy Loomis, Wendy Wessberg and Dick Warlock. Wallace voiced the very annoying Silver Shamrock spot.
HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995)--Directed by Joe Chappelle. Stars Donald Pleasance,
Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan. AKA HALLOWEEN 6. It's hard to believe one-note screen villain Michael Myers is still
around slicing and dicing five sequels and 17 years after John Carpenter's spine-tingling original, one of the most successful
independent films ever. Well, there's only one member of the Myers family left, an infant who falls into the hands of a weirdo
named Tommy (Rudd), who just happens to be the little boy Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis, who doesn't appear here) was baby-sitting
when the Shape went on his original killing spree 17 years earlier. For some reason, Michael seems to be involved with some
sort of Druid cult, and is bent on totally wiping out the Myers bloodline. He also systematically kills the new family currently
residing in the creepy old Myers home in Haddonfield, Illinois. Back to stop Michael in grand Van Helsing style is 75-year-old
Donald Pleasance (in his last role) as Myers's former psychiatrist Dr. Loomis, making his fifth HALLOWEEN movie. There's nothing
here you haven't seen before in a slasher genre that died out at least a decade earlier. Also with Kim Darby and Mitchell
Ryan.
HALLOWEEN H20: TWENTY YEARS LATER (1998)--Directed by Steve Miner. Stars Jamie Lee Curtis,
Adam Arkin, Michelle Williams. Dimension Films celebrated the 20th anniversary of John Carpenter's horror classic with this,
the seventh of the series (Carpenter had nothing to do with this one). Actually, this lame flick takes place two decades after
the events of HALLOWEEN II, and pretends movies 4 through 6 (HALLOWEEN III was completely unrelated) never existed. Laurie
Strode (Curtis in a pretty good performance) has changed her name, moved to California, married and divorced, raised a son
(who is now 17), and serves as headmistress to an exclusive prep school, but still battles nightmares featuring the killing
spree of her Shatner-masked brother Michael Myers, who was presumed burned to death 20 years earlier. Suddenly, for no apparent
reason the screenplay provides, Myers appears in California to finish the job.
Influenced more by SCREAM than Carpenter's
film (SCREAM scribe Kevin Williamson was one of the executive producers), H20 gathers together a group of hot teen TV stars
and proceeds to knock them off one at a time. Unfortunately, most of the killings take place off-screen, and the ones we do
see are pretty tame in the gore department. Despite the school setting, none of the girls feels the need to take a shower,
which makes one wonder why the filmmakers thought their audience would be interested in a slasher film with hardly any sex
or violence. The choice of Miner as director seems a dubious one; although he cut his teeth on the FRIDAY THE 13TH series,
he's never made a good movie, and this is no exception. John Ottman's score features a number of variations of the memorable
theme composed by Carpenter for the original film, but Dimension brought in SCREAM composer Marco Beltrami (who gets an "Additional
Music by" credit) to remind us again of the Wes Craven movie--one I'd rather watch again than HALLOWEEN H20. Also with Josh
Hartnett, LL Cool J and Jodi Lyn O'Keefe.
HAMMER (1972)—Directed by Bruce
D. Clark. Stars Fred Williamson, Vonetta McGee, Bernie Hamilton. Williamson broke out as a leading man in this
United Artists potboiler, although he didn’t become a blaxploitation superstar until making the superior BLACK CAESAR
a year later. HAMMER’s story is simple and nothing special, although Fred keeps it lively on the strength of his
personality, and a strong supporting cast backs him up nicely. “The Hammer” plays Hammer, a wannabe boxer
who becomes involved with mobsters who buy his contract and force him to throw a big fight. He refuses, so they kidnap
his girlfriend (McGee). Hamilton (who went on to play another cop on STARSKY & HUTCH) is good as a sympathetic policeman
who takes a liking to Hammer and tries to help him. It’s interesting to see Williamson play a somewhat sensitive
hero for once, before “The Hammer” took over his persona completely. He’s a limited actor, but a very
good one when he’s in his wheelhouse, which HAMMER certainly is. He receives little help from Clark’s (GALAXY
OF TERROR) limited direction and Charles Johnson’s clichéd screenplay, which may be somewhat based on a young Cassius
Clay, although I doubt The Champ ever had to throw down with gangsters in an L.A. warehouse. Also with a menacing William
Smith, Charles Lampkin, John Quade, D’Urville Martin, Mel Stewart, Stack Pierce, Elizabeth Harding and Marilyn Joi.
Al Adamson was a producer, but who knows how he became involved. I’d guess that he directed some extra scenes,
but the whole movie is too coherent.
THE HAND (1981)--Directed by Oliver
Stone. Stars Michael Caine, Andrea Marcovicci, Annie McEnroe. THE HAND is a "psychological thriller" starring
Caine as Jonathan Lansdale, a comic-strip artist whose career is jeopardized when he loses his drawing hand in an auto accident
(re-created in an excitingly edited and brutally realistic manner by Stone and his special effects crew). Frustrated by his
employers' attempt to keep the strip alive with inferior artists and by his wife Anne's (Marcovicci) lack of interest in their
marriage, Jon, on the verge of cracking up, moves alone out West to teach art at a small college. There he becomes involved
with a sexy student (McEnroe) amid a series of murders that may or may not be the handiwork of Caine's missing hand, which
was never found after the accident. Could the five-fingered fiend have a mind of its own, killing indiscriminately? Could
Caine be manifesting his own inner rage in the form of the hand? Or maybe it's all a figment of his--and our--imagination?
THE HAND's strength lies in its ambivalence between Grand
Guignol horror and psychological terror, not letting us know exactly what's going on until the very end, when Stone throws
us another curve. Caine is excellent in the lead, registering confusion, rage, paranoia and dementia in a manner we hadn't
seen before, at least not from Caine, who normally played good guys. Stone used to disclaim his early horror movies in print,
often considering SALVADOR his "first movie," though he seems to have come around, judging from his commentary track. As with
any of a director's early work, Stone finds faults here and there, but seems to overall be quite fond of THE HAND. He originally
filmed it with less overt horror scenes than are in it now, the product of studio-ordered reshoots he willingly complied with.
I think THE HAND would work better with either more straight horror or less, but the fence-walking approach tends to water
down the suspense, I think.
THE HAND is not a bad picture, but a frustratingly obtuse
one. I recommend it for Caine's performance and for the thrilling stunt sequence. Barry Windsor-Smith of Marvel Comics’
CONAN THE BARBARIAN drew Lansdale’s comic strips. The supporting cast includes Bruce McGill, Viveca Lindfors,
Pat Corley, Tracey Walter, Charles Fleischer, Rosemary Murphy and Stone as a homeless victim. Music by James Horner.
Producer Edward Pressman later married Annie McEnroe.
HAND OF DEATH (1962)--Directed by Gene
Nelson. Stars John Agar, Paula Raymond, Steve Dunne. Even at a trim 58 minutes, this dull monster movie feels
padded. Scientist Alex Marsh (Agar) becomes exposed to an experimental nerve gas he was working on for the government.
Instead of killing him, it turns him into a bloated, rock monster (who closely resembles the Thing of the Fantastic Four as
originally drawn by Jack Kirby) that destroys anyone it touches. As his partner (Dunne) and love interest (Raymond)
struggle to find a way to revert his condition, Alex, slowly going insane, begins shambling around town killing people until
the tragic ending. Surprisingly, Agar appears to have worn the heavy monster makeup himself, even though no one would
have noticed if a stuntman had doubled for him. His extra work is mostly wasted, since the creature, which can't talk
and doesn't show much emotion, is not a very memorable one. Actor/dancer Nelson (OKLAHOMA) made his directing debut
with this independently produced horror film that was released by 20th Century Fox. Also with Butch Patrick, Joe Besser,
Norman Burton, Roy Gordon and future cinematographer John A. Alonzo (CHINATOWN). Oscar winner Floyd Crosby shot this
b&w cheapie.
HANDLE WITH CARE (1977)--Directed by Jonathan Demme.
Stars Paul LeMat, Candy Clark, Roberts Blossom, Bruce McGill, Charles Napier, Ann Wedgeworth, Marcia Rodd. One of the great
unsung American classics of the '70s. This comedy was originally marketed by Paramount as an exploitation "trucker" flick
and released with the title CITIZENS BAND. When it didn't click immediately with audiences, it opened to strong word-of-mouth
at the New York Film Festival, and was re-released with a new title. It still didn't catch on with moviegoers, but received
a number of positive reviews from critics.
Director Demme studies the world of CB radio enthusiasts, and how they
are able to say certain things over the radio that they are unable to in real life. LeMat anchors the film as a do-gooder
who runs a volunteer emergency service for truck drivers and other travelers. He becomes exasperated with those who abuse
their CB privileges, and sets out to stop them. What is especially fascinating is the way Demme weaves the main plot with
the various subplots (two years after Robert Altman's NASHVILLE), including LeMat's relationships with his girlfriend (Clark),
bordering-on-senile father (Blossom) and estranged brother (McGill), and stranded trucker Napier's confrontation with both
(!) of his wives, who have just met and become close friends. Napier and LeMat give the best performances here; for some reason,
LeMat never broke through as a mainstream leading man, although he certainly had the qualities for it. Also with Ed Begley,
Jr. Music by Bill Conti. Screenplay by Paul Brickman, who later wrote and made his directorial debut with RISKY BUSINESS.
This film, along with 1980's MELVIN AND HOWARD (also starring LeMat), made Hollywood stand up and take Demme seriously as
a filmmaker to watch.
HANDS OF STEEL (1986)--Directed by Sergio Martino (as Martin Dolman). Stars Daniel Greene, Janet
Agren, John Saxon, George Eastman. American actor Greene stars as Paco in this clunky Italian action movie. After
a near-fatal accident in the near future, the U.S. Government rebuilt Paco using bionic parts, including his hands, and reprogrammed
him as an assassin. On his first assignment to rub out a political revolutionary, Paco finds his conscience and spares
the man's life, marking himself as a target. HANDS OF STEEL is a very stupid and cheap movie, but I have to admit that
I was never bored. OK, almost never. The first half-hour or so is overly confusing. I'm not sure why Saxon, playing Paco's
boss, wanted to kill Greene. But once the big, sweaty bastard got to Arizona, where he encounters the foxy proprietor
of a desert whorehouse (Agren), a brutal army of renegade arm wrestlers (led by Eastman), a babelicious female cyborg, rocket-launching
assassins and more, I sat back and focused on the carnage, which is pretty consistent during the second half. The acting is
awful and the scripting practically non-existent, but HANDS OF STEEL is just stupid enough to be enjoyable. Co-star
Claudio Cassinelli died in a helicopter crash during filming in Arizona. Also with Donald O'Brien and Amy Werba.
Music by Claudio Simonetti. Also known as ATOMIC CYBORG.
HANG 'EM HIGH (1968)--Directed by Ted Post. Stars Clint Eastwood, Inger Stevens, Pat Hingle, Ed
Begley, Bruce Dern. Clint's first American film lead was in familiar western terrain. When Clint is lynched by an angry mob
for a crime he didn't commit, he decides to track them down and execute them one by one. Very violent western tries to imitate
the style of Sergio Leone's Italian epics. Excellent supporting cast includes Ben Johnson, Alan Hale Jr., Dennis Hopper and
HAWAII FIVE-0's James MacArthur, who was hired as Steve McGarrett's Dan-O after working with FIVE-0 executive producer Leonard
Freeman here. Dern is great as usual as a ruthless killer. Post directed many episodes of Eastwood's RAWHIDE series.
HANGING
UP (2000)--Directed by Diane Keaton. Stars Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, Lisa Kudrow, Walter Matthau. I just do not understand
women. HANGING UP is, for the most part, produced, written and directed by women, and stars three of Hollywood's most successful
actresses, including one of the industry's most bankable stars (Meg Ryan), an Emmy winner (Lisa Kudrow) and an Academy Award
winner (Diane Keaton, who also directed). Despite this pedigree, the female leads are all ditzy, self-absorbed and easily
distracted career women who seem to spend every living moment gabbing a mile a minute on their cellular phones. If a man had
dared to make a film featuring these characters, he'd be hung in effigy by every womens' organization in the country. It's
also quite obviously aimed at an upscale female audience, yet if I consider this film offensive to women, what are they going
to think of it?
HANGING UP is ostensibly about three sisters--Georgia (Keaton), publisher of a magazine titled GEORGIA;
Eve (Ryan), a professional party planner; and Maddy (FRIENDS's Kudrow), a soap opera actress--but it's middle sister Eve who
really takes center stage. With her sisters too busy to help, just Eve is left to care for their cantankerous elderly father
Moe (Walter Matthau), a tail-grabbing ex-screenwriter with a John Wayne fixation whose memory isn't what it used to be. She
handles her father's hospitalization the best she can, but is forced to also juggle a husband (Adam Arkin) who disapproves
of Moe, an auto accident, a giant Saint Bernard and a pushy womens' group that demands to hold a party Eve's organizing at
the Richard Nixon Museum (it's good to know we still have good ol' Tricky Dick to kick around; he's the target of most of
the script's best jokes).
The screenplay by Nora Ephron, who penned Ryan's smash WHEN HARRY MET SALLY..., and her
sister Delia appears to contain a few autobiographical elements--there are two more Ephron sisters, and their father was also
a well-known Hollywood writer--but it isn't able to find a consistent tone. It veers wildly from unfunny broad comedy to tragedy
without ever hitting a sincere note. Sure, it's cute to see Meg wrestling with a big lug of a Saint Bernard, but does it really
belong in the same movie as a scene in which a drunken Matthau profanely breaks up his five-year-old grandson's birthday party?
Much of the blame lies with Keaton, who directs every performance at a fever pitch. Even Matthau, who has never exactly
been a master of subtlety, isn't able to do much with a character that's portrayed as both a lovable schlub and an alcoholic
brute and with a script that never mentions the word "Alzheimer's", which renders Matthau's behavior incomprehensible. Any
credibility left over flies out the window at the discovery that 54-year-old Keaton and her thirtysomething co-stars are not
only playing sisters, but they're also supposed to be approximately the same age!
Less than one of every ten Hollywood features credit a female director,
and even fewer feature women in as many above-the-line positions as HANGING UP. One would think that, given such a rare opportunity,
women filmmakers would make sure to use it wisely. Keaton and company have not. I hope they haven't spoiled the party for
other women to come. Also with Cloris Leachman, Celia Weston, Jesse James and Myndy Crist. Music by David Hirschfelder.
HANNIE CAULDER (1971)--Directed by Burt Kennedy.
Stars Raquel Welch, Robert Culp, Ernest Borgnine, Jack Elam, Strother Martin. When sexy Raquel is raped and her husband murdered
by Old West scumbags Borgnine, Elam and Martin, she recruits spectacle-wearing gunslinger Culp to teach her to shoot a gun.
She learns, using a pistol specially built for her, and kills the bad guys. Features British horror star Christopher Lee in
his first (and only?) Western. Also with Stephen Boyd and Diana Dors. Filmed in Spain.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
(1981)--Directed by J. Lee Thompson. Stars Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Tracey Bregman. The participation of old pro
Thompson (THE GUNS OF NAVARONE) and movie legend Ford (BLACKBOARD JUNGLE) lends a certain credibility to this slick slasher
flick released by Columbia Pictures. It earned much notoriety upon its initial release because of its graphic poster, which
showed a young man about to be skewered in the throat by a shish-kebab (!), and for the casting of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
actress Anderson, who strips, swears and smokes pot amid the often bloody killings.
Five years after an auto accident
which killed her mother and forced herself into experimental brain surgery (which is shown in gory detail), teenager Virginia
(Anderson) returns to the Crawford Academy, where her grades land her among the top ten students in her class. The Top Ten
all hang out together--at least until they begin disappearing one at a time. The poster tag reads, "Six of the most bizarre
murders you've ever seen!"; there are actually more than six, and while they aren't all of a bizarre nature, some are pretty
imaginative (including the afore-mentioned shish-kebab trick). Thompson does a fine job building suspense by hiding the killer's
identity from us, and cleverly introducing a number of red herrings (like subtly having his characters wear black gloves like
the ones we see on the killer). Virginia, who suffers from convenient blackouts whenever another of her friends vanishes,
is the most likely suspect. Or is that just a little too obvious? Chances are excellent that the denouement, which is set
during the night of Virginia's birthday, will take you by complete surprise, as it contains one jawdropping twist on top of
another (and was the obvious inspiration for certain aspects of Kevin Williamson's SCREAM screenplay).
This is a '80s horror flick that, unlike PROM NIGHT and a few others,
genuinely delivers. Thompson wisely doesn't skimp on the gore (which is why were watching in the first place), the smooth
camerawork and Canadian locations add a touch of class to the proceedings, and the orchestral score by Bo Harwood and Lance
Rubin hits all the right notes. Also with Lawrence Dane, Sharon Acker, Matt Craven, Lisa Langlois, Lenore Zann and David Eisner.
I still find it surprising that a star of Ford's stature agreed to be in this.
THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES HOLLYWOOD
(1979)--Directed by Alan Roberts. Stars Martine Beswick, Adam West, Chris Lemmon, Richard Deacon. If you're wondering what
Batman and Mel Cooley look like dressed as women, you've come to the right place. Beswick is sexy as Xaviera Hollander (played
by three different actresses in three different films), who raises money to make films by running a Hollywood brothel. Edie
Adams, Dick Miller, Lindsay Bloom and Army Archerd were also talked into appearing in this somehow.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LOVE, GEORGE--See RUN,
STRANGER, RUN.
HAPPY, TEXAS (1999)—Directed by Mark Illsley.
Stars Steve Zahn, Jeremy Northam, William H. Macy, Ally Walker, Illeana Douglas. First-time director Illsley does a
very good job handling the various plot and character threads of this warm-hearted farce. For reasons you should discover
for yourself, escaped convicts Zahn and Northam hide out in the sleepy little Texas town of Happy by posing as a pair of gay
beauty pageant consultants. Obviously, neither knows a damn thing about putting on a pageant for 5-year-old girls, but
it’s a place to hide out, and when conman Northam figures he can charm bank employee Walker and snatch the keys to the
town vault, the two men decide to stick it out. The screenplay is smart and funny, and Macy—as often is the case—steals
the movie as a lonesome local sheriff with a closeted crush on Northam. Also with Ron Perlman, Paul Dooley, Mo Gaffney,
M.C. Gainey and Rance Howard.
HARD BOILED MAHONEY (1947)--Directed by William
Beaudine. Stars Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Bernard Gorcey. Routine Bowery Boys B-pic from Monogram Studios pits the boys against
a phony fortune-teller and a trumped-up murder charge. With Bobby Jordan, Gabriel Dell, Billy Benedict, David Gorcey, Teala
Loring and Dan Compton.
HARD BOUNTY (1995)--Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Stars Matt McCoy, Kelly LeBrock, John Terlesky. Wynorski rips off BAD GIRLS in this DTV romp set in the Old West.
Taciturn bounty hunter Kanning (a miscast McCoy) decides to quit gunning down baddies and buys the whorehouse where his best
gal Donnie (LeBrock) is the madam. It's hard to stay away from the gunslinging business when thugs like the smarmy Carver
(Terlesky, who played the lead in Wynorski's DEATHSTALKER II) keep antagonizing you by killing your prostitutes and things
like that. Finally, when the increasingly cynical Kanning is a bit slow to defend his ladies' honor, the working girls,
which include foxy Felicity Waterman, Rochelle Swanson and Kimberly Kelley, decide to kick some Carver ass on their own.
If you've seen other Wynorski flicks, you'll recognize his unique blend of breasts, humor, action and cheap production values.
It's not THE SEARCHERS, but it's an effective timewaster. Also with Ross Hagen, Jay Richardson, Buck Flower, Richard
Gabai and director Fred Olen Ray as gunfighter Ringo.
THE HARD CORPS (2006)—Directed by Sheldon Lettich.
Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vivica A. Fox, Raz Adoti, Viv Leacock. Van Damme reunites with his LIONHEART director for
a competent though unimpressive take on THE BODYGUARD. Ex-con rapper Leacock is gunning for revenge against the ex-boxer/philanthropist
(Adoti) who sent him to prison, so Adoti’s CEO sister (Fox) hires Iraq War vet J-C as protection. While Van Damme
has aged into a decent leading man, he shows none of the martial-arts skills that made him famous and resorts to Uzis and
fists to get the job done. I’d cut about fifteen minutes out of it if it were up to me…none of it fighting,
of course.
A HARD DAY'S NIGHT (1964)--Directed by Richard
Lester. Stars the Beatles, Wilfred Brambill, Victor Spinetti, Roy Kinnear. Excellent musical comedy about a supposed "day
in the life" of England's greatest pop music group. Lester's kinetic visual style, consisting of quick editing, fast motion,
and various camera tricks, was aided by the terrific performances given by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and
Ringo Starr. All four turned out to be talented comic actors. Alun Owen's ingenious screenplay allowed each Beatle to develop
a distinctive screen persona, as well as deliver a batch of clever one-liners and non-sequiters. Lennon and McCartney wrote
most of the songs, including "I Should Have Know Better", "And I Love Her" and the title track. Somehow lost the Best Song
Score Oscar to MY FAIR LADY.
HARD HUNTED (1992)--Directed by Andy Sidaris.
Stars Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, Geoffrey Moore. Roger Moore’s son, billed as R.J. Moore, plays Kane, an evil,
handsome rich guy who wants a small piece of green jade that conceals a nuclear device. A group of improbably sexy male
and female secret agents try to stop Kane from getting it; one of them, Donna (Speir), bonks her head after bailing out of
an airplane, gets amnesia, and temporarily falls into Kane’s clutches. If you’re up late watching a Sidaris
movie, you’re in it to see stuff blow up and hot PLAYBOY models get naked. Carolyn Liu, Ava Cadell, Cynthia Brimhall
join Vasquez and Speir in that department, while Bruce Penhall and Tony Peck join in to kill people and blow things up.
Pretty decent as far as Sidaris pictures go, although if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. Also
with Al Leong, Michael Shane and Rodrigo Obregon. Filmed in Arizona and Nevada.
HARD JUSTICE (1996)--Directed by Greg Yaitanes.
Stars David Bradley, Charles Napier, Yuji Okumoto, Jim Maniaci. Fans of the great character actor Charles Napier will probably
derive the most entertainment value from this dumb action movie set mostly in prison. A very unusual prison, actually, filled
with all kinds of underground and hidden passages where inmates can roam at will, roomy cells approximately the size of an
apartment in downtown Tokyo, and interiors that greatly resemble an abandoned warehouse (hmmm...). The warden's office is
obviously the top floor of a warehouse, with junk leaning against the wall, pockmarks in the paint, and enough space to park
in--the producers were too cheap even to construct a fake wall to conceal the long line of windows behind the warden's desk.
Action-movie perennial Bradley (AMERICAN NINJA 3) plays Nick Adams, a very resourceful ATF agent (who mows down a
few dozen bad guys all by himself in the opening setpiece) who goes undercover in a prison to discover the murderer of another
undercover officer, Manny, who was investigating a gun-running operation taking place within the prison's walls. Ingratiating
himself with his big, bald cellmate Mr. Clean (Maniaci) by bashing his head in, Nick immediately attracts suspicion by asking
too many questions, incurring the wrath of the cruel Warden Pike (Napier), who often waxes rhapsodic about his days in a Viet
Cong POW camp.
Besides its cheap production design and routine storyline in which no cliche is left unturned and no
twist comes as even the slightest surprise, HARD JUSTICE suffers from director Yaitanes' cribbing from other (better) sources,
most notably John Woo's oeuvre. If you like to see slow-motion scenes of gunmen floating through the air sideways firing pistols
in both hands or rolling across the floor firing pistols in both hands or standing fifty feet apart firing pistols in both
hands (and missing their opponents!), this movie is for you, I guess, although you'd be better off watching HARD-BOILED or
even HARD TARGET instead. Napier is the best reason to watch; he isn't doing anything he hasn't done before, but his hamming
and Southern-fried style of twisting a wry homily are in fine form here. Bradley is actually pretty decent too, although most
of the other actors are inconsequential. There are worse direct-to-video features out there, but a lot of better ones too.
Also with Clabe Hartley (TRANCERS 4 & 5), Benita Andre, Adam Clark and Vernon Wells (THE ROAD WARRIOR). Music by Don Peake.
HARD RAIN (1998)--Directed by Mikael Salomon. Stars Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy Quaid,
Minnie Driver. A dopey script by Graham Yost (SPEED) seriously hampers this waterlogged action flick, which features a lot
of slogging around among impressive sets and special effects. Slater is an armored car driver who is held up during a ravaging
flood (which is supposed to be set in an Indiana town, but looks more like the Pacific Northwest to me). He hides the money
in the evacuated town, and tries to evade the pursuit by the robbers (led by Freeman). Slater also gets involved with sheriff
Quaid and his deputies, and a cute young woman (Driver) who refuses to be evacuated with everyone else because she wants to
protect the stained glass windows shes restoring at her church. Characterization and dialogue are pretty damp (Quaid's actions
are particularly baffling), and Slater, like he was in BROKEN ARROW, is a dull action hero, but a jet-ski chase through a
flooded high school is pretty cool. This movie must have been a major pain to make--it's always dark and rainy, and the actors
are constantly immersed in feet of water--so it's a shame that it turned out so badly. Paramount sat on it for over a year
before finally releasing it in the dumping ground that is January. Also with Richard Dysart, Edward Asner, Betty White and
LAW & ORDER's Dann Florek. Music by Christopher Young. Filmed as THE FLOOD, its title was changed after dueling volcano
movies DANTE'S PEAK and VOLCANO were box-office flops. Directorial debut of former cinematographer Salomon.
HARD
TARGET (1993)--Directed by John Woo. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lance Henriksen, Yancy Butler. Probably Van Damme's
best film, thanks to wildly kinetic direction by Woo (in his American directorial debut after dozens of Hong Kong actioners)
and a wonderfully evil performance by Henriksen as Fouchon, who uses homeless folks as bait for rich hunters in this MOST
DANGEROUS GAME ripoff set in New Orleans. Jean-Claude explains away his accent by playing a Cajun sailor who becomes one of
Fouchon's targets. To make the hunts more sporting, Fouchon and sidekick Pik (Vosloo) recruit targets with military experience
and no family to come looking for them, but make the mistake of selecting Butler's father (the actress's real-life father
was the Lovin' Spoonful's drummer!). Since the police are on strike, Yancy hires Van Damme to be her guide as she investigates
her fathers murder.
Flick skimps on character development and common sense sometimes, but this is obviously an action
romp based on style over substance, and Woo is one of contemporary cinemas great stylists. A lot of very cool chases, explosions
and shootouts, with Van Damme's climactic chopsocky battle with Henriksen (who plays his death scene for laughs) a highlight.
The bootlegged directors cut features 20 extra minutes, including tons of extra gore and a (tame) love scene between J-C and
Yancy. Also with Wilford Brimley, Arnold Vosloo, Kasi Lemmons, Ted Raimi and scripter Chuck Pfarrer as an early victim. Produced
by Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi. Music by Graeme Revell. Butler boasts a pair of the best eyebrows in the business.
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)--Directed by Andy Sidaris. Stars
Ronn Moss, Dona Spier, Hope Marie Carlton, Rodrigo Obregon. Next to Russ Meyer,
Sidaris, an Emmy-winning sports director at ABC for nearly three decades, is probably America's most successful T&A filmmaker. His movies, which can generally be found on late-night cable TV or filling the shelves
of the 2-for-$1.00 section of the video store, may be dumb, but they're also slick-looking and contain just the right amounts
of nudity and action. In HARD TICKET, a sequel of sorts to MALIBU EXPRESS (a
poster of which lines the bedroom wall of one character in HARD TICKET), comely government agents Donna (Speir) and Taryn
(Carlton) stumble upon a diamond smuggling operation on the Hawaiian island of Molokai under their guise as cargo airplane
pilots. Summoning help from operative Rowdy Abilene (Moss) in Los Angeles, the
girls find themselves the target of mobster Seth Romero (Obregon), who wants his diamonds back and will go to extreme lengths
to get them. Meanwhile, Donna and Taryn have another problem: a deadly super-powerful python infested with the toxin of cancer-riddled rats (!) is on the loose and racking
up victims left and right.
If you enjoy gorgeous nude women, explosions, outrageous gadgets and lush scenery and don't think too much about what
you're watching, you should get a kick out of all of Sidaris' films. They all
more or less follow the same formula, alternating scenes of softcore sex, banal dialogue, atrocious acting, and cheap action
scenes. This was the first Sidaris appearance for PLAYBOY's Miss March 1984 Speir
(who did seven for Andy altogether) and for Miss July 1985 Carlton (three). Both
are lovely, serviceable actresses who show plenty of skin, although the perky Carlton brightens up the screen in a way the
more confident Speir doesn't. PLAYBOY aficionados will recognize Playmates Cynthia
Brimhall and Patty Duffel, while kickboxer Harold Diamond, future TARZAN actor Wolf Larson, Hawaiian character actor Kwan
Hi Lim and Sidaris himself also appear. Moss, a former member of Player ("Baby
Come Back"), is a regular on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Music by Gary Stockdale. Produced by Arlene Sidaris, Andy's wife.
HARD TIME (1998)--Directed by Burt Reynolds. Stars Burt Reynolds, Charles Durning, Robert Loggia,
Mia Sara, Billy Dee Williams, Buck Taylor. Burt followed up his BOOGIE NIGHTS Oscar nomination with a trio of standard cop
thrillers for Turner Network Television. He's Miami detective Logan McQueen, framed for the murder of a street punk who was
carrying $300,000 of the Mob's money, $190,000 of which is missing. McQueen, with his friend and partner Charlie (Durning),
fights to clear his name with his boss (Taylor, Newly on GUNSMOKE), the district attorney (Williams) and the mobster (Loggia)
who wants his money back. Beautiful Sara (from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF) delivers the best performance as Burt's spunky lawyer.
You've seen this plot a million times on TV cop shows, and writers David S. Cass Sr. and Steve Wesley add nothing new. Reynolds's
direction is strictly paint-by-numbers, and most of the cast is left to fend for themselves with only one-dimensional characters
to play. Also with Michael Buie, John D'Aquino, Ja'Net DuBois (Willona on GOOD TIMES), Paco Christian Prieto and Roddy Piper.
Blah musical score is by Snuff Garrett. Production design by Lawrence G. Paull (BLADE RUNNER). Reynolds reprised his Logan
McQueen character in THE PREMONITION and HOSTAGE HOTEL.
HARD TIME II: THE PREMONITION (1999)--See
THE PREMONITION
HARD TIME III: HOSTAGE HOTEL (1999)--See HOSTAGE HOTEL
HARD TIMES
(1974)--Directed by Walter Hill. Stars Charles Bronson, James Coburn, Jill Ireland, Strother Martin, Michael McGuire. Hill's
first film as a director was this hard-hitting action tale of an itinerant streetfighter (Bronson) and his oily manager (Coburn)
trying to reach the top in 1930s New Orleans. Hill captures the period flavor, and his fight scenes are astoundingly brutal.
Bronson was 54 years old at the time! He looks fifteen years younger. Martin gives his usual fine performance as a drug-addicted
doctor.
HARD TO DIE (1990)--Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Stars Gail Harris, Melissa Moore, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Debra Dare, Bridget Carney, Peter Spellos. Many of the cast and
crew hide behind pseudonyms on this cheap thriller, although Wynorski's "Arch Stanton" moniker was replaced by his real name
on the print I watched. This silly DIE HARD-inspired T&A movie was probably shot in a handful of days. Five
sexy women show up for their jobs doing inventory for a lingerie company based in an empty office building. After showering
in their boss' office (it's dusty in the basement) and changing into revealing undergarments (no sense putting their dirty
clothes back on), the girls discover a supernatural serial killer is locked in the building with them and is slaughtering
the cast in various bloody ways. Spellos is red herring Orville Ketchum, the building's plodding (and indestructible)
janitor. At 77 minutes, HARD TO DIE (which is a sort of sequel to SORORITY HOUSE NIGHTMARE using many of the same cast
and crew members) is too short to wear out its welcome, even though Wynorski runs out of ideas long before the end.
The British Harris and the six-foot Moore are the sexiest cast members, and all but Mayo-Chandler perform topless. Also
with Toni Naples, Monique Gabrielle (unrecognizable beneath cheesy Chinese makeup), cinematographer Jurgen Baum and Forrest
J Ackerman. Music by Chuck Cirino. Co-writer Mark Thomas McGee wrote a book about Wynorski's New Concorde boss
Roger Corman.
HARD TO KILL (1990)--Directed by Bruce Malmuth.
Stars Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler. Violent but highly implausible actioner about a Los Angeles cop (Seagal)
who returns after seven years in a coma to capture the corrupt politician (Sadler) who put him there. Seagal is aided by gorgeous
nurse LeBrock (the real-life Mrs. Seagal). Lots of head-bashings, flying bullets and crashing glass.
THE HARD
WAY (1991)--Directed by John Badham. Stars James Woods, Michael J. Fox, Annabella Sciorra, Stephen Lang.
Woods and Fox give this action comedy more effort than its generic script deserves, and although it’s ultimately quite
forgettable, Badham’s energetic set pieces make it an enjoyable genre piece. Fox is funny playing against type
as Nick Lang, a pampered star of action movies who wants to research his upcoming role as a policeman by tagging along with
hardassed NYPD detective John Moss (Woods, playing perfectly to type). Moss is obsessed with capturing a serial killer
called The Party Crasher (Lang) and resents having to babysit a spoiled movie star. Fox and Woods have very good chemistry
together, which is demonstrated in a very funny scene in which Fox roleplays as Woods’ girlfriend (Sciorra) in order
to teach the tough-guy cop how to be sensitive with women. Badham (STAKEOUT) is an old hand with this type of R-rated
material and skillfully manipulates the funny stuff and the violence into an appealing entertainment. Also with LL Cool
J, Luis Guzman, Christina Ricci, Mary Mara, George Cheung, Kathy Najimy, Delroy Lindo, Karen Lynn Gorney from Badham’s
SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, and Penny Marshall in a bit as Fox’s agent.
HARD WAY OUT (1996)--See BLOODFIST VIII: TRAINED TO KILL.
HARD-BOILED (1992)--Directed by John Woo. Stars
Chow Yun-Fat, Tony Leung. Highly kinetic, ultra-violent Hong Kong gangster movie about a jazz-loving detective named Tequila
(Chow Yun-Fat, Hong Kong's version of Clint Eastwood). One amazing shootout takes place in a restaurant, and the climactic
setpiece involves a burning hospital and a urinating baby. I don't really know what its all about (no subtitles on the copy
I saw), but it really moves. Woo's last Asian picture before coming West to make HARD TARGET with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
HARDBODIES
(1984)--Directed by Mark Griffiths. Stars Grant Cramer, Gary Wood, Michael Rapport. Three middle-aged stud-wannabes hire a
young blond surfer dude (Cramer) to teach them how to pick up chicks. No laughs, no twists, but lots of beautiful naked women.
HARDBODIES 2 (1986)--Directed by Mark Griffiths. Stars Brad Zutaut, Sam Temeles, James Karen, Roberta
Collins. More naked women on display, this time in Greece, where actors Zutaut and Temeles and arrogant director Karen have
gone to shoot a low-budget movie. Just as witless as the original, although it's great to see '70s exploitation queen Collins
on screen again.
HARDCORE (1979)--Directed by Paul Schrader. Stars George C. Scott, Season Hubley,
Peter Boyle, Dick Sargent. Scott stars as a strict Calvinist minister who travels to Los Angeles to search for his missing
teenage daughter, who disappeared while on a field trip. He discovers she has fallen into the seamy world of pornography,
and teams up with a young prostitute, who becomes a surrogate daughter to Scott. Schrader does a good job penetrating the
previously taboo subject of pornographic and snuff films. The scene where Scott watches his daughter acting in an adult film
is particularly harrowing. From the director of PATTY HEARST. Music by Jack Nitzsche. John Milius was an executive producer.
HARDLY WORKING (1981)--Directed by Jerry Lewis. Stars Jerry Lewis, Roger C. Carmel, Susan Oliver,
Deanna Lund. Jerry's first film in over ten years was a major disappointment. He was still making the same kind of films that
he made in the sixties, but America's idea of humor had moved on since then. Lewis plays an out-of-work clown who tackles
a variety of jobs, including gas station attendant and chef. Lots of pratfalls, mugging and sight gags ensue. Lund (of TV's
LAND OF THE GIANTS) looks great though. You'd really have to be a Lewis fan to sit through this one.
THE HARLEM
GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (1981)--Directed by Peter Baldwin. Stars Bob Denver, Alan Hale, Jim Backus, Martin
Landau, Barbara Bain, and the Harlem Globetrotters. The absolute nadir of Oscar-winner Landau's career--and that's saying
a lot! He plays a megalomaniac scientist who discovers some kind of secret power source on the island, and, along with sensual
sidekick Bain and an army of cheesy-looking robots, plans to trick the castaways out of their share of the island. Meanwhile,
the Harlem Globetrotters have landed on the island as well, and the whole plot centers on a climactic basketball game between
Landau's robots and the Globetrotters (with Gilligan and the Skipper playing as well). It's almost impossible to believe that
this actually aired on network television in prime time. Also with Natalie Schafer, Russell Johnson, Dawn Wells, Constance
Forslund in for Tina Louise as Ginger and David Ruprecht as Thurston Howell IV (the Howells have a son!).
HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN (1991)--Directed
by Simon Wincer. Stars Don Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Tom Sizemore. MGM produced this macho action pic that was savaged
by critics and audiences who may not have fallen for its loud humor. Rourke and Johnson work very well together as Harley
and Marlboro, a biker and an ex-rodeo cowboy who rip off corrupt banker Sizemore and, instead of money, accidentally end up
with a cache of a new illegal narcotic called Crystal Dream, which Sizemore desperately wants back. Wincer and writer
Don Michael Paul set the film in 1996, when gas prices are through the roof and Burbank has been transformed into an international
airport. The slightly futuristic bent in clothing and technology adds a welcome skew to the action and contrasts well
with the leading characters’ old-fashioned attitudes about friendship and justice. HARLEY’s failure helped
kill the box-office careers of its leads. Also with Chelsea Field, Big John Studd, Tia Carrere, Robert Ginty, Vanessa
Williams, Daniel Baldwin, Kelly Hu and Giancarlo Esposito. Music by Basil Poledouris.
HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (2004)--Directed
by Danny Leiner. Stars Kal Penn, John Cho, David Krumholtz, Eddie Kaye Thomas. A pair of just-out-of-college pals
smokes some grass and gets the munchies on a Friday night. On their quest to chow down on White Castle hamburgers, they
encounter assorted obstacles, including redneck skater dudes, a disfigured tow-truck driver and his nymphomaniac wife, racist
cops and DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D. star Neil Patrick Harris (playing himself). Similar to the director's previous feature,
DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?, HAROLD AND KUMAR is most notable for its casting of Asian actors Penn and Cho in the leading roles
of Indian Kumar and Korean Harold. This allows Leiner to engage in some riotous non-PC ethnic humor, as do Krumholtz
and Thomas as Harold and Kumar's Jewish stoner buddies. As an R-rated road-trip movie, HAROLD AND KUMAR fits the bill
nicely, padding the gags with a few chases, a few bare breasts, lots of yelling and two engaging stars. Also with Christopher
Meloni, Paula Garces, Siu Ta, Ethan Embry, Anthony Anderson, Malin Akerman, Ryan Reynolds, Fred Willard and Jamie Kennedy.
HARPER
(1966)--Directed by Jack Smight. Stars Paul Newman, Lauren Bacall, Julie Harris, Shelley Winters, Robert Wagner,
Pamela Tiffin. One of Newman's finest roles was as gum-chewing, wisecracking private eye Lew Harper. Harper is hired by a
wealthy woman (Bacall) to track down her kidnapped husband. He then becomes involved in a smuggling ring. Terrific cast also
includes Janet Leigh, Arthur Hill and Robert Webber. Script by William Goldman contains a lot of funny lines, which are given
expert delivery by Newman. He appears to be having a good time, and so are we. Based on Ross MacDonald's Lew Archer novel
THE MOVING TARGET. Film should have been titled ARCHER, but Newman was having a streak of good luck with HOMBRE, HUD and other
"H" movies.
HARPER VALLEY P.T.A. (1978)--Directed by Richard Bennett. Stars Barbara Eden, Nanette
Fabray, Ronny Cox. The P.T.A. chapter of tiny Harper Valley, Ohio is outraged at the antics of sexy mom Eden, who likes to
have fun and parade around town in miniskirts. Eden, aided by best friend Fabray, decides to teach the hypocritical parents
a lesson. Directed and acted on the level of a TV sitcom, which this dumb comedy later inspired (also with Eden). Also with
Louis Nye and Pat Paulsen.
HARRY AND TONTO (1974)--Directed by Paul Mazursky. Stars Art Carney, Ellen
Burstyn, Larry Hagman, Chief Dan George, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Melanie Mayron, Josh Mostel. Carney won an Academy Award for
Best Actor in this sweet comedy/drama as a widowed senior citizen who makes a trip cross-country to visit his son (Hagman).
Along the way, he meets a homicidal Indian (George), a kooky hitchhiker (Mayron), an old girlfriend (Fitzgerald) and his estranged
daughter (Burstyn). A fine performance by Carney.
HARRY O (1974)--Directed by Richard Lang. Stars
David Janssen, Martin Sheen, Margot Kidder, Mariana Hill, Sal Mineo, Kathleen Lloyd. Seven years after finally convincing
Lieutenant Gerard of his innocence in the final episode of THE FUGITIVE, Janssen returned to television (he had also starred
in a one-season flop, O'HARA, U.S. TREASURY, for executive producer Jack Webb) as cynical private eye Harry Orwell in this
series pilot.
Orwell was a former San Diego cop who had to leave the force after being shot in the back by a pair
of armed robbers in the same incident in which his partner was killed. Nestled next to his spine and unable to be removed
by surgeons is the bullet that almost crippled him. To supplement his pension and to provide funds to renovate his boat, the
Answer, Orwell works out of his beach house as a private detective. He usually takes the bus in pursuit of clues, since his
beat-up car is usually in the shop, and the bullet in his back prevents him from engaging in much physical activity, which
is fine with Harry, since he's too world-weary to beat people up anyway.
In the ninety-minute (with commercials) pilot,
Orwell wakes up one morning to find a guilt-stricken youth named Harlan Garrison (Sheen) in his bedroom waving a pistol. Garrison
is the robber who shot Orwell, and, after serving two years in Vietnam, has returned to make amends, and hands Harry $1400
for an operation to remove the bullet from his back. He also wants to hire Harry to find his old partner Walter Scheerer (Mineo),
the young man who fired the shot that killed Harry's partner. Scheerer and Garrison's former girlfriend Marilyn (THE CAR's
Lloyd, billed as Kathleen Geckle) have teamed up to start a heroin operation out of Walter's late father's paint factory,
and have also put out a contract on Harlan's life.
As the introduction to one of TV's best-written crime dramas, HARRY
O does a fine job establishing the Orwell character, who is a crusty loner more at ease with a wisecrack than an actual personal
relationship; even though engaged in a romance of sorts with a lovely woman named Mildred (Hill)--a relationship Harry clearly
wishes to keep in the bedroom and no further--Harry wastes no time making the acquaintance of single secretary Helen (Kidder),
picking her up in a bar on the spur of the moment, spending the night at her place, and leaving her in the lurch in the middle
of the night with her car keys in hand.
Although much of the credit must go to writer Howard Rodman (COOGAN'S BLUFF)
and producer-director Thorpe (KUNG FU), it is mostly Janssen's own acting abilities and charm that makes Orwell such a fascinating
character. Janssen rarely had the opportunity to showcase his own laconic sense of humor, and in HARRY O, he indulges himself
to his heart's content, tossing off one-liners and friendly banter with both his friends and enemies. Orwell, along with James
Garner's Rockford (who premiered on NBC the same year), is one of television's great detectives, and perhaps Janssen's best--and
even most fondly remembered--role.
HARRY O was followed by another feature-length pilot, SMILE, JENNY, YOU'RE DEAD,
which co-starred Zalman King and Andrea Marcovicci, and 44 episodes of a critically acclaimed yet modestly rated series. Also
with Will Geer, Mel Stewart, Karen Lamm, Les Lannom and Cheryl Ladd. Music by Richard Hazard.
THE HARVEST (1993)—Directed by David Marconi.
Stars Miguel Ferrer, Leilani Sarelle, Anthony Denison, Henry Silva. It says something about THE HARVEST that George
Clooney’s cameo as “Lip Synching Transvestite” is not the strangest thing about it. Ferrer’s
paranoid performance anchors the tense-jumping story, playing Charlie Pope, a screenwriter who goes to Mexico to research
a script. Popping Prozac and nursing a nervous breakdown, Charlie meets a sexy blonde, Natalie (Sarelle), in a bar,
but before he can seal the deal with her, he’s popped on the noggin and wakes up five days later with only one kidney.
The local law (Henry Silva!) is no help, so Charlie investigates the illegal “harvest” on his own. Marconi
enlivens the storyline with flashbacks and flash-forwards that leave you guessing how much of what’s happening is real
and how much of it are the ramblings of a drug-infused creative mind on a script deadline. Charlie’s amazing recuperative
abilities are a clue that THE HARVEST may really be a dramatization of the screenplay-within-the-movie, but there is that
pesky scar to deal with… A couple of last-minute twists should leave Ferrer fans satisfied. Harvey Fierstein,
Tim Thomerson and Matt Clark provide support. Filmed in Mexico. Ferrer and Sarelle were married in real life.
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