GIRL HAPPY (1965)--Directed by Boris Sagal. Stars Elvis Presley, Shelley Fabares, Mary Ann Mobley, Harold J. Stone. In this silly but fun musical, Elvis is the leader of a four-man combo who is sent by rich club owner Stone to Fort Lauderdale to keep a watchful eye on cute daughter Shelley. In between musical numbers, they fall in love. Your chance to see Elvis in drag. Also with Gary Crosby, Joby Baker, Jimmy Hawkins, Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan, Nita Talbot and the sexy Chris Noel. Songs include the title tune, "Do the Clam" and the legendary "Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce".

THE GIRL HUNTERS (1963)--Directed by Roy Rowland. Stars Mickey Spillane, Shirley Eaton, Lloyd Nolan, Scott Peters. Author Spillane stars as his own creation, hard-boiled private dick Mike Hammer, in this decent British-made noir. Seven years after the mysterious disappearance of his secretary Velda, Hammer is found lying in a back alley in a drunken stupor, and taken to see police detective Pat Chambers (Peters). Chambers blames Mike for Velda's apparent death, and uses Mike's dazed condition as an excuse to slap him around a bit. Chambers needs Hammer to interrogate a fatally wounded seaman. Hammer becomes convinced that Velda is still alive, and teams up with government agent Rickerby (Nolan) to find her, becoming involved with jewel thieves and Commie spies in the process. Spillane, who looks the part, isn't much of an actor, but he's believable enough delivering the requisite snappy patter (he also co-wrote the screenplay). The climactic fistfight between Hammer and his opponent is pretty brutal, and is climaxed by Hammer hammering a nail into the guy's hand! While the production is plagued by its low budget (it was produced by Spillane's own company) and a few origin-betraying British accents slipping into the supporting cast's dialogue, THE GIRL HUNTERS is generally a pleasant potboiler and true to Hammer's literary origins. Eaton, who would become a screen icon the following year as the gold-painted Bond girl in GOLDFINGER, wears lots of bikinis. Also with newspaper columnist Hy Gardner as himself, James Dyrenforth, Charles Farrell, Guy Kingsley Poynter and Larry Taylor. Jazzy score by Philip Green.

THE GIRL IN BLACK STOCKINGS (1957)--Directed by Howard W. Koch. Stars Lex Barker, Anne Bancroft, Mamie Van Doren, Ron Randell, Marie Windsor, John Dehner. A "loose" party girl named Marsha Morgan is found murdered near a Kanab, Utah motel owned by bitter, self-loathing Edmund Parry (Randell), a misogynist who was stricken with "hysterical" paralysis after being dumped by a woman a decade earlier and has been unable to move from his wheelchair since. Laconic local sheriff Holmes (Dehner) investigates the brutal killing by interviewing the likely suspects, including handsome Los Angeles prosecutor David Hewson (Barker), who discovered Marsha's body; sweet Beth (Bancroft), a motel employee romantically involved with David; Julia (Windsor), Edmund's dedicated sister; and Harriet (Van Doren), an outgoing would-be actress.

Although Barker has the traditional leading man role, it's Dehner, a character actor usually stuck playing stern authority figures or bland TV heavies, who carries the narrative, drolly dispensing justice his way. Despite her billing, Van Doren actually has little to do, although she does appear in a bathing suit. Randell (MOST DANGEROUS MAN ALIVE) delivers the best performance though, spitting out icy insults between teeth clenched upon a cigarette holder. GIRL's mystery plot isn't really all that interesting--I'm still not sure I understand the killer's psychology--but the performances and unusual Utah locations make GIRL worth your while. Also with Diana Van Der Vlis, John Holland, Dan Blocker (BONANZA) as a gregarious bartender and Stuart Whitman in a small part. Music by Les Baxter. Women's fashions courtesy of the "Pink Poodle, Kanab, Utah"! From the director and writer (Richard Landau) of FRANKENSTEIN 1970.

GIRL, INTERRUPTED (1999)--Directed by James Mangold. Stars Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Whoopi Goldberg, Brittany Murphy, Clea DuVall, Elizabeth Moss. If Lifetime remade ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, this would be the result. Actually based on Susanna Kaysen's memoirs of life in a mental institution, the movie plays more like Ken Kesey on estrogen, right down to a late-night escape to a hidden basement bowling alley (!) reminiscent of CUCKOO's boat ride and a charismatic non-conformist named Lisa (Jolie) that differs from Jack Nicholson's R.P. McMurphy in one respect: Lisa really is nuts.

It's 1967, and Susanna (Ryder, also an executive producer) has tried to commit suicide by chasing a bottle of aspirin with a fifth of vodka ("I had a headache," she explains). At the urging of her parents and doctor, Susanna checks herself into a private sanitarium, not knowing she can't check herself out. There she meets a bevy of screwed-up young women: Georgina (DuVall), a pathological liar; Daisy (Murphy), who has an eating disorder and a June Cleaver complex; Polly (Moss), physically scarred from a self-inflicted burn; and Lisa, a sexy sociopath whose dynamic personality makes her the de facto leader among the patients.

Episodic in nature, the screenplay by Mangold, Lisa Loomer, and Anna Hamilton Phelan leads Susanna through a series of incidents involving her new "family" while she learns to open up to her doctors and sympathetic nurse Valerie (Goldberg). Except for an overly melodramatic climax, GIRL, INTERRUPTED is okay for anyone who's never seen a movie set in a mental hospital, but the remaining 97% of the audience will realize that they have seen this all before. Even the casting is unimaginative--Ryder has played more disaffected teens than you can shake a Kurt Cobain record at, while Jolie has pretty much cornered the market on seductive, unrestrained firebrands. While the acting is fine, I'm ready to see these young stars--Jolie, one of Hollywood's most electrifying actresses, in particular--spread their wings a bit and show us what they can really do when pushed. Also with Jared Leto, Jeffrey Tambor, Mary Kay Place, Kurtwood Smith and Vanessa Redgrave. Music by Mychael Danna. From the director of COPLAND. The title is meaningless within the film's context, although I understand it refers to a painting from which the real-life Susanna drew inspiration.

THE GIRL MOST LIKELY TO… (1973)—Directed by Lee Philips.  Stars Stockard Channing.  Joan Rivers co-wrote this made-for-TV black comedy that provides a plum role for 29-year-old actress Channing, who was basically an unknown, though she had a small role in UP THE SANDBOX the year before.  It’s a meaty part few television actresses could have played at that time, I think, at least at the level that Channing does.  She’s Miriam Knight, a frumpy, overweight, unattractive student who switches colleges nearly every semester in an effort to find a friend.  Neither boys nor girls want anything to do with Miriam, even though she really does have a nice personality, if perhaps a bit needy.  Her life changes dramatically, however, after a brutal car accident scars her face, but the plastic surgeons make her look better than ever before.  Beautiful, even.  So beautiful that Miriam decides to use her new sexy wiles to seduce everyone who mistreated her and lure them to their deaths.  Despite Miriam’s sick penchant for concocting clever murders, it’s impossible to root against her, thanks to Channing’s winning performance.  Philips wasn’t exactly the go-to guy for dark comedy, but he manages to stay out of the way of Channing and the witty script.  TV veterans Joe Flynn, Jim Backus, Carl Ballantine, Chuck McCann and Edward Asner stop by to lend a hand.  Also with Ruth McDevitt, Warren Berlinger, Larry Wilcox, Susanne Zenor, Fred Grandy, Reb Brown, Victor Izay, Dennis Dugan and Annette O’Toole.

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (2004)--Directed by Luke Greenfield.  Stars Elisha Cuthbert, Emile Hirsch, Timothy Olyphant.  Considering its premise, it's a wonder THE GIRL NEXT DOOR isn't sleazier than it is, and I'm not sure it would have been a bad thing if it had.  Anyone expecting a throwback to '80s teen sex romps like PORKY'S and THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN--not an unreasonable expectation--may be disappointed by Greenfield's sitcom-like fantasy.

Honor student Matthew (Hirsch) is gearing up for a scholarship speech during the final month of his high-school life and preparing to attend Georgetown University in the fall.  Despite his scholastic success, however, Matthew laments his lack of exciting high-school memories, since he spent all his spare time studying instead of hanging out at the beach with his classmates.  He receives a nearly fatal jolt of excitement upon meeting his new neighbor, luscious young Danielle (24's twinkly Cuthbert), who's housesitting next door.  Danielle is impulsive, wild and devastatingly sexy.  Matthew, of course, falls in love with her, and he seems surprised that she loves him too.  The proverbial monkey wrench arrives in the form of Kelly (Olyphant), Danielle's former boyfriend and the producer of her pornographic films.  That's right--Danielle is a porn star attempting to escape her past and begin again...if only Kelly would let her.

GIRL really belongs to stars Cuthbert and Olyphant.  I really liked Olyphant's performance a lot, watching him careen from wisecracking sleazoid to unconventional best buddy with a dollop of violent psycho mixed in.  He's extremely charming in an oily way, and you're never quite sure whether to regard him as a good guy or bad guy.  You certainly wouldn't trust him with your daughter on prom night, but you might want to share some beers with him at the local strip joint.  Cuthbert, on the other hand, makes the most of her first leading role in a feature film.  She doesn't light up the screen the way Olyphant does, but she's unquestionably beautiful, and the combination of her freshly scrubbed girl-next-door looks and her carnal profession tends to steam one's windows, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do.  Hirsch is okay, as are the young actors portraying his geeky best pals, but a bit drippy and not quite Cuthbert's type.  James Remar (48 HRS.) appears as a pornographer, as do Timothy Bottoms, Donna Bullock, Chris Marquette, Paul Dano, Harris Laskaway, Richard Fancy and Ulysses Lee.  Amanda Swisten (AMERICAN WEDDING) and Sung Hi Lee do nude scenes as Danielle's porno pals.  Thunderclap Newman, Nilsson, David Bowie with Queen, Patti LaBelle, Marvin Gaye, Donovan and The Who appear on the soundtrack.

GIRL ON A CHAIN GANG (1965)--Directed by Jerry Gross.  Stars William Watson, Julie Ange, Ron Segal, Matt Reynolds.  Gross is better known as a distributor of low-budget drive-in movies (I DRINK YOUR BLOOD) and something of a huckster, but he also directed a couple of them earlier in his career.  Watson, a very busy TV guest star during the 1970’s playing killers and rapists on cop shows, demonstrates why he got those roles as Sonnie Lew, the brutal corrupt sheriff of a small Southern town who picks up a trio of young college liberals, extorts them, kills the men, rapes the girl (Ange), and sends her to prison to serve on the end of an all-male, all-black chain gang.  Shot on Long Island not long after the events documented in MISSISSIPPI BURNING, the protagonists are unusual in that one is a woman, but not romantically involved with her male companions, and one is a black man.  Gross uses too few setups and unsuccessfully attempts to pass off someone’s yard as a swamp teaming with cottonmouths, but I imagine the subject matter and black-and-white photography played well enough at the bottom of drive-in double features.  Gross’ followup was TEENAGE MOTHER, in color and featuring a young Fred Willard (A MIGHTY WIND).

THE GIRL ON THE LATE, LATE SHOW (1974)—Directed by Gary Nelson.  Stars Don Murray, Gloria Grahame.  David Gerber (POLICE STORY) produced this effective TV mystery starring Murray as the producer of an early-morning talk show based in New York.  He flies to Los Angeles to find an old-time movie starlet named Carolyn Parker (played by Grahame in old clips), so he can book her on the show.  She dropped out of acting nearly twenty years earlier, and nobody claims to know where to find her.  Murray’s problem is that somebody doesn’t want him to find her, as his investigation leads to several attempts on his life and the murders of Parker’s old acquaintances.  This love letter to old Hollywood features some great veteran stars, such as Cameron Mitchell, Ralph Meeker, Van Johnson, Yvonne DeCarlo, John Ireland, and Walter Pidgeon, as well as contemporary performers Bert Convy, Laraine Stephens, Sherry Jackson, Candice Rialson, Mary Ann Mobley, and Joe Santos.  The mystery is a pretty good one, but you’ll want to watch this for the stars and its sun-drenched portrayal of L.A.

THE GIRL WHO CAME GIFT WRAPPED (1974)—Directed by Bruce Bilson.  Stars Karen Valentine, Richard Long.  Nearly every guy of a certain age will remember this made-for-TV movie well as the one in which cutie Valentine (ROOM 222) appears in a pink bikini and white go-go boots.  Michael Green (Long) is the consummate “man who has everything.”  The publisher of a successful men’s magazine, Green is wealthy, intelligent, popular with a parade of sexy young hotties, and positively lonely.  What do you get a guy like that for his 40th birthday?  How about Karen, who shows up at Michael’s house, pure as the driven snow, as his “present” for the evening?  Michael, taken with her sweetness and innocent charm, stays up most of the night with her—just talking.  He grows fond of her—and she of he—and they begin a warm friendship that may or may not blossom into love.

Basically a 74-minute LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE segment, flatly directed by Bilson (who did several LOVE episodes, as well as Long’s NANNY AND THE PROFESSOR) and barely scored by Jack Elliott and Allyn Ferguson, GIRL is carried by the breezy personalities of its two stars.  Both were extremely popular at the time, Valentine just coming off her Emmy-winning role on ROOM 222, and Long from NANNY and THE BIG VALLEY before that.  GIRL is a very light comedy, but well-paced, light fun.  Dave Madden (THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY), Tom Bosley (HAPPY DAYS), Farrah Fawcett and Louise Sorel are in it too.

GIRLS ARE FOR LOVING (1973)--Directed by Don Schain.  Stars Cheri Caffaro, Jocelyne Peters, Timothy Brown.  Caffaro returns as sleazy, sexy superspy Ginger McAllister in the second sequel to 1971's GINGER (THE ABDUCTORS came in between).  The scenario outlined by screenwriter Schain this time around involves beautiful Ronnie St. Claire (Peters), a bikini-clad sex kitten who kidnaps prominent diplomats in order to force insider trading information from them.  As in the other GINGER flicks, surprisingly graphic and kinky sex scenes, often involving the molestation or rape of a man or a woman, are interspersed with wildly unconvincing fight scenes, double entendres and ego-boosting song-and-dance numbers by the barely talented Caffaro, who also happened to be Schain's wife (which adds another level of discomfort to Cheri's many nude scenes, particularly the ones in which she's being pawned by some perv).  Slightly less outrageous than the grungy THE ABDUCTORS, GIRLS is probably the best of the three GINGERs, thanks to some extra oomph in the action scenes and location shooting in the Virgin Islands.  Peters is easy on the eyes too, so hardly a few minutes ever pass where either she or Caffaro aren't prancing about naked.  And that's just fine by me.  Caffaro never again played Ginger, but did pass through the Philippines to do SAVAGE SISTERS, a WIP with John Ashley, and the Gingeresque TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

THE GIRLS FROM THUNDER STRIP (1967)—Directed by David L. Hewitt. Stars Jody McCrea, Maray Ayres, Mick Mehas, Casey Kasem, Jack Starrett, Lindsey Crosby, Megan Timothy, William Bonner, Gary Kent, Bruce Kimball, Randee Lynne Jensen. Hewitt’s widescreen drive-in flick features bad sound and lots of long master shots, making it look even cheaper than it probably is. After sheriff Starrett busts bikers Kent, Mehas, and Bonner for killing their moll during a fight with a gas jockey, he and uptight Fed Kasem bust up a moonshine still operated by young women, including Ayres and Timothy. Half an hour into the movie, above-the-title-billed McCrea finally shows up as Pike, who becomes an avenger after the bikers break outta Starrett’s joint (with the help of the female ‘shiners) and go on a killing spree. This is a dull, meandering movie written by Pat Boyette, who gave up filmmaking to write and draw comic books for Charlton. Padded to reach not quite 80 minutes, THE GIRLS FROM THUNDER STRIP spends most of its first half-hour with comic banter between sheriff Starrett and Revenue agent Kasem, leading one to think they may be the main characters, but they disappear quickly and leave McCrea to carry the movie during its third act. The terrible ending has someone being eaten by a photo of a cougar! Gary Graver photographed and edited this American General quickie. Al Quick provided the country western score.

GIRLS IN PRISON (1956)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Richard Denning, Joan Taylor, Adele Jurgens, Lance Fuller. This seedy exploitation movie is pretty slow going for the most part, but really perks up for a hilariously odd climax. Although she maintains her innocence, 21-year-old Anne Carson (Taylor) is sent up the river for a five-to-ten-year stretch for her part in an armed robbery in which one man was killed, another escaped, and the $38,000 stolen never found. In the joint, she's befriended by kindly reverend Fulton (Denning), who believes her innocence and works to have her conviction appealed. Everyone else, including her cellmate Jenny (Jurgens), seems interested only in getting his or her paws on the stolen money, which Anne claims she doesn't have. The other living participant in the robbery, oily Paul (Fuller), blackmails Anne's ex-con father into sharing the loot, only Pop doesn't know where the money is either or if it even exists. If you can guess that Fulton's Navy boxing background comes to play eventually, you've seen at least one movie in your life, but you probably won't predict the deux es machina that leads to it. Also with Helen Gilbert, Phyllis Coates and Laurie Mitchell. American International Pictures released it. Cahn directed four films that year.

GIRLS NITE OUT (1983)--Directed by Robert Deubel.  Stars Hal Holbrook, Julie Montgomery, James Carroll, Mart McChesney, David Holbrook, Mathew Dunn.  A psycho dressed in a cuddly bear suit is slicing up cute coeds on the campus of Dewitt University in Westville, Ohio.  Who could it be?  The superstud captain of the basketball team (Carroll) who's cheating on his cute girlfriend?  "Maniac" (McChesney), the superstar center who was just dumped by his girlfriend?  Benson (Dunn), the putz who plays the school mascot (the Dewitt Bears)?  Pryor (David Holbrook), the lumpy loser with the mullet who calls his ex-girlfriend a whore, just because she dumped him to have sex with Benson, her cousin?  Or is it the secondary, seemingly irrelevant character whose only reason for existing in the screenplay is for the "shock" ending?  The slashfest occurs during an all-night scavenger hunt organized by the campus radio station (that also plays a non-stop barrage of '60s bubblegum songs--real hip station there), and Hal Holbrook plays "Mac, the Security Guard", whose daughter was murdered in a similar manner several years before.

The product of four writers (whose credits are buried in the closing crawl), GIRLS NITE OUT knows all the clichés of slasher movies, but doesn't really pay off on any of them.  For instance, it seems to know that all the obnoxious people are supposed to be killed off first, but it doesn't supply any nice ones for us to follow.  It looks as though the basketball captain played by future soap star Carroll is supposed to be the hero, but he's an arrogant jackass who sleeps around behind his sweet girlfriend's back.  The girlfriend, Lynn (Montgomery, also in REVENGE OF THE NERDS), appears to be the protagonist for awhile, but her screen time is limited in the second half, and she never really gets very involved in the plot.  To give some credit, the goofy teddy bear suit gives the killings a shot of spice, and there also seem to be some interesting gender role reversals going on, but GIRLS NITE OUT is ultimately no more than a suspenseless, bloodless, weakly performed waste of time.  The veteran Holbrook is probably only on hand to give a boost to his son David's acting career, which--not to my surprise on the basis of his work here--never got off the ground.

The soundtrack is littered with Buddah and Roulette hits of the 1960s, some of them heard more than once (which may make you rip your hair out), by Tommy James & the Shondells, the Lovin' Spoonful, 1910 Fruitgum Company, the Ohio Express and others.  No credit is given for the dramatic underscore.  Also with Rutanya Alda, Suzanne Barnes, Lauren-Marie Taylor, Richard Bright, Larry Mintz and NBC sportscaster Al McGuire (!) as the basketball coach.  One of the writers is standup comic Joe Bolster (SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER).  Shouldn't the title read "GIRLS' NITE OUT"?

THE GIRLS ON THE BEACH (1965)--Directed by William N. Witney. Stars Noreen Corcoran, Aron Kincaid, Lana Wood. Slightly entertaining Paramount ripoff of AIP's BEACH PARTY flicks about a sorority house that'll be forced to close its doors unless it can come up with a $10,000 bank payment. The sorority girls promise a concert at the local malt shop featuring the Beatles--the only thing is no one bothered to tell the Fab Four themselves! Really an excuse to capitalize on Beatlemania without hiring the boys themselves, although the teens in this movie don't really seem to "get" the Beatles too much. With Linda Marshall, Ahna Capri, Peter Brooks, Dick Miller, Leo Gordon and musical guests The Crickets, Lesley Gore and the Beach Boys, who do "Little Honda" and the title song. The three male leads dress in drag. Corcoran and Kincaid had previously costarred in the BACHELOR FATHER sitcom.

GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROAD STREET (1984)--Directed by Peter Webb. Stars Paul McCartney, Bryan Brown, Tracey Ullman. The master tapes of Paul's new album have been stolen! He has until midnight to get them back or else an evil businessman will take over his company! Big deal. Good songs though; includes "Yesterday", "Silly Love Songs", "Eleanor Rigby", "The Long and Winding Road", "No More Lonely Nights" and more. Also with Beatle pal Ringo Starr, Linda McCartney, Barbara Bach, and Sir Ralph Richardson. Screenplay by McCartney. The "Silly Love Songs" number is about as silly a musical number as you'll ever see on film.

THE GLADIATOR (1986)--Directed by Abel Ferrara.  Stars Ken Wahl, Nancy Allen, Robert Culp.  After a drunk driver kills his younger brother, mechanic Wahl tricks out his pickup truck with fancy gadgets and roams the rainy streets of Los Angeles looking for drunks, reckless drivers, speeders and drag racers.  The self-proclaimed "Gladiator" becomes the subject of pro- and anti-vigilante debate, while police detective Culp attempts to expose his identity before someone gets hurt.  This was a pilot of an ABC series that wisely didn't sell, although Wahl soon hit TV stardom as the lead in WISEGUY.  Also with Rick Dees, Bart Braverman, Rosemary Forsyth, Linda Thorson and Stan Shaw.  From the director of BAD LIEUTENANT.

THE GLASS HOUSE (2001)--Directed by Daniel Sackheim. Stars Leelee Sobieski, Diane Lane, Stellan Skarsgard. Sobieski is better than her material in this horror/suspense thriller that features nothing we haven't seen before in countless better (and worse, for that matter) movies. It's glossy Hollywood junk at best, but why would even horror fans be interested when THE OTHERS and JEEPERS CREEPERS are still patrolling theaters?

Sobieski, a very good teen actress whose credits include Stanley Kubrick's EYES WIDE SHUT and the made-for-TV epic JOAN OF ARC, plays 16-year-old Ruby Baker, who, along with her younger brother Rhett, is orphaned when their parents are killed in a car crash. In accordance to the will, the kids are taken in by their folks' best friends, the Glasses: Terry (Skarsgard), who owns a transit company that, among other things, provides limos to the stars; and Erin (Lane), a physician. Ruby and Rhett move into the Glasses' cool, austere mansion (yes, its principal feature is its glass walls), where they are initially treated well, at least materially--Rhett is mesmerized by his new video game system, while Ruby's vast new wardrobe should come in handy when fitting into her new school's cool clique. Soon, however, Ruby begins to detect a change in the Glasses: Terry leans a bit too close to her in the car; postcards from her uncle Jack end up in the trash, unread by Rhett and her; overheard snatches of conversation appear to indicate Terry's mixed up with violent mobsters; Erin's penchant for injecting herself with needles is explained away as diabetes. It doesn't take long to figure out where this road is headed, right down to the improbable but inevitable is-he-really-dead climax.

This is the first feature directed by Sackheim, who has done solid work in television drama, including THE X-FILES, LAW & ORDER and NYPD BLUE, for which he won an Emmy. It isn't a successful one, but the blame lands mostly on the shoulders of writer Wesley Strick (CAPE FEAR). This script contains absolutely nothing original or innovative; it's content merely to spin its wheels in the same Fill-in-the-Blank From Hell scenario that Hollywood has produced numerous times already (THE HAND THAT ROCKED THE CRADLE, THE TEMP, THE CRUSH). Ruby's frustration in getting the authorities to believe her accusations against the Glasses might have worked for the audience, if we hadn't already seen they were true. Perhaps clouding her emotional health and making her sanity uncertain would have added a layer of suspense that GLASS HOUSE doesn't contain.

The casting of Skarsgard doesn't help either. Not that the guy isn't a good actor, but Terry, at least in the beginning, needs to be warm and familiar, so that his eventual spin into greedy predator appears more frightening. Skarsgard projects menace from his first scene, even while smiling, clueing us in early that there's dangerous shading beneath his character. I kept thinking how much more effective the movie would be if Chris Noth (LAW & ORDER), who appears in an early scene as the childrens' uncle and is very good, had played Terry instead of Skarsgard. Lane does the best she can with an enigmatically-penned role, and Bruce Dern, whose casting always sends up a red flag, keeps us on edge as a whose-side-is-he-on attorney in charge of the kids' $4 million trust fund.

Also with Michael O'Keefe and Rita Wilson as the doomed parents, Trevor Morgan, Kathy Baker, Carly Pope (POPULAR), Agnes Bruckner, China Shavers and Erick Avari. Perfunctory score by Christopher Young. Producer Neal H. Moritz also foisted I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, THE SKULLS and URBAN LEGEND upon us; somebody please put this guy in Horror Movie Jail for awhile. This is the only review you'll read of THE GLASS HOUSE that does not mention Sobieski's startling physical resemblance to Helen Hunt. Doh!

GLEN OR GLENDA? (1953)--Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr. Stars Wood, Delores Fuller, Lyle Talbot, Timothy Farrell, Bela Lugosi. At least as terrible as Wood's camp classic PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE, it's pretty hard to imagine what Ed was thinking when he made this. A cop (Talbot) and a shrink (Farrell) sit in a cheaply decorated office discussing the life of a transsexual, played in flashbacks by director Wood, a transvestite in real life. We see scenes of Glen/Glenda wrestling with his abnormal sexuality, discussions with his girlfriend (Wood's real-life girl Fuller, who's terrible), and lots of stock footage. Every once in a while Lugosi appears in a scene so far out of context it seems it must have been filmed for another movie. Absolutely not to be missed.

THE GLITTER DOME (1984)--Directed by Stuart Margolin. Stars James Garner, John Lithgow, Margot Kidder, Colleen Dewhurst. Garner has a change-of-pace role in this adaptation of Joseph Wambaugh's bestseller as a burned-out Hollywood detective investigating the murder of a film producer. Lithgow is Garner's equally burnt partner, and Kidder is Garner's movie star love interest. Made for HBO. Director Margolin played Angel on Garner's series THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THE GLIMMER MAN (1996)--Directed by John Gray.  Stars Steven Seagal, Keenen Ivory Wayans.  TV director Gray does a nice job moving this fun thriller right along.  Seagal displays a light touch as a former CIA operative-turned-L.A. cop who is reluctantly teamed up with a straight-arrow detective (Wayans) to pursue a serial killer that crucifies his victims.  You’ve seen all this reluctant-partner schtick before, but the actors are game and the action plentiful.  Bob Gunton, Brian Cox, John M. Jackson, Michelle Johnson, Richard Gant, Stephen Tobolowsky and Peter Jason lend support.  You’ll also see future TV star Nikki Cox in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform and little Alexa Vega (SPY KIDS).  Music by Trevor Rabin.

THE GLOVE (1978)--Directed by Ross Hagen.  Stars John Saxon, Rosey Grier, Joanna Cassidy.  THE GLOVE is an odd little drive-in movie. Despite its R rating, it's not particularly exploitative--it doesn't contain any nudity, profanity or excessive violence. Come to think of it, how the hell did THE GLOVE earn an R? It's not a fast-paced, hard-driving movie. In fact, it just kinda meanders along from one scene to the next. It was directed by an actor, Ross Hagen, well known for trashy movies like WONDER WOMEN and THE SIDEHACKERS, and he allows his performers to take their time and add an occasional flourish. Hagen's direction is leisurely that, amazingly, there's a scene in which character actor Keenan Wynn is trading dialogue with star John Saxon. Wynn blows his line, but instead of cutting, Hagen lets the scene continue with Wynn and Saxon laughing, Wynn turning to look off-camera, then looking back at Saxon to repeat the line and continue the scene. It's bizarre and makes no sense within the context of the film, but it certainly is one of those moments that makes THE GLOVE memorable.

Saxon (not long after MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS) stars as down-on-his-luck bounty hunter Sam Kellogg, who stands to lose custody of his daughter if he doesn't come up with some quick bread to pay off his back alimony. Opportunity falls from the sky in the form of hulking ex-con Victor Hale (former football star Rosey Grier), a pissed-off brute who's laying the smackdown on some prison guards who beat him up in the joint. Not content to wallop these apes with his fists, Victor has gotten hold of an old-fashioned riot glove--a five-pound metal gauntlet--that he uses to cause some serious damage to the faces and skulls of his victims. Weary of roughing up homosexual check bouncers for a $300 fee and with a $20,000 reward on the line, Sam puts all his effort into one final case, hoping he can stop Victor's rampage before The Glove can stop him.

Two great disappointments right off the bat. First off, the glove used by Grier looks nothing like the one pictured on the video box, which sports sharp metal spikes. And, secondly, if you're going to call your movie THE GLOVE, it had damn well better showcase a glove. We only really see Grier use it twice, near the beginning of the film, and it doesn't really come into play until the climax, where Grier freely gives it up to Saxon. There are also long stretches in which Grier doesn't even appear, as Hagen chooses to develop a relationship between Kellogg and a red-haired beauty named Sheila Michaels (auburn-tressed Joanna Cassidy). Still, any movie with Saxon in a leading role is going to be worth watching on some level, and there's an occasional action scene or appearance by a familiar character actor to jolt you out of your slumber.

Nothing in THE GLOVE, though, quite lives up to its hilarious theme song, sung by jazz great Ernie Andrews and featuring some of the most overwrought nonsense lyrics on record. Remember: you can't escape the kiss and the rape of...The Glove! Also with Jack Carter, Aldo Ray, Joan Blondell, Michael Pataki, Hoke Howell and “introducing” Misty Bruce.  Music by Robert O. Ragland.  Also known as BLOOD MAD and THE GLOVE: LETHAL TERMINATOR.

G-MEN VS. THE BLACK DRAGON (1943)--Directed by William Witney. Stars Rod Cameron, Roland Got, Constance Worth, Nino Pipitone. Cameron is Secret Service agent Rex Bennett in this 15-chapter Republic serial, the sequel to MANHUNT IN THE AFRICAN JUNGLE. This time Bennett and his two sidekicks--Chinese agent Chang (Got) and British spy Vivian (Worth)--battle the evil forces of the Black Dragon Society, Japanese saboteurs operating in this country under the leadership of the insidious Haruchi (Pipitone). The fights, stunts and miniatures are right up there with Republics best--thanks to Witney's direction and the FX work of Howard Lydecker--but there doesn't seem to be anything new here. It's easy to guess how our heroes will escape each cliffhanger, and the very Italian Pipitone is grossly miscast as a Japanese--even by 1940s standards! You could do a lot worse in your search for Saturday-afternoon thrills though, and while it's not one of Republic's best, it's still pretty fun. Also with Noel Cravat, John Hamilton, C. Montague Shaw. A feature-length version was released in the '60s titled BLACK DRAGONS OF MANZANAR.

GO ASK ALICE (1972)--Directed by John Korty. Stars Jamie Smith-Jackson, William Shatner, Julie Adams, Mimi Saffian. Oscar and Emmy-winning director Korty (THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MISS JANE PITTMAN) made both this and THE PEOPLE with Shatner the same year. Despite top billing, Shatner plays a supporting role in this affecting drama, and is almost unrecognizable in horn-rimmed glasses and a bushy mustache. Based upon the real-life diary of a teenaged girl who died of a drug overdose, GO ASK ALICE introduced Smith-Jackson as Alice, a typical teen girl trying to adjust to life at a new school. After finally forging a friendship with a sweet, straight girl, Beth (Saffian), Alice is introduced to drugs at a party the following summer when Beth is away at camp. By the time Beth returns in the fall, Alice is a completely different person--clothes, hair, language, attitude--but her new life soon becomes a downer, eventually running away from home and turning to prostitution and vagrancy to feed her habit.

Although occasionally overwraught and preachy, GO ASK ALICE was probably quite an eye-opener when originally aired in '72. Seeing it nearly 30 years later, it's amazing to notice how teen angst really hasn't changed that much, and, to be honest, I think GO ASK ALICE handles its suburban-teen-turns-to-drugs-to-escape-parents-who-don't-understand plot better than TRAFFIC, a film I liked a lot, handles its. Smith-Jackson, who appeared often on television during the '70s, is very touching as Alice, and Shatner and Adams wisely underplay their loving but clueless parent roles. Songs by Grace Slick, Billy Preston, Brian Wilson & Mike Love, Steve Winwood and others dot the soundtrack. Also with Ruth Roman (who appeared with Shatner a couple of years later in IMPULSE), Wendell Burton (THE STERILE CUCKOO), Robert Carradine, Mackenzie Phillips, Jennifer Edwards, Charles Martin Smith and Andy Griffith as a sympathetic priest.

GO KILL AND COME BACK (1967)--Directed by Enzo G. Castellari.  Stars George Hilton, Edd Byrnes, Gilbert Roland.  THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY served as inspiration for this lighthearted Italian western.  After a spoofy prologue in which obvious replicas of The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood), Angel Eyes (Lee Van Cleef) and Django (Franco Nero) are gunned down in the street by a handsome Stranger (Hilton), the bounty hunter sets his sights on infamous Mexican bandit Monetero (Roland).  Monetero masterminds the robbery of $300,000 in gold from a train also carrying bank manager Clayton (Byrnes), who's in charge of making sure the gold reaches its destination safely.  The search for the hidden stolen gold becomes a three-way one when one of Monetero's hirelings hijacks the money for himself and hides it before being killed.  From there on in, the Stranger, Clayton and Monetero engage in several doublecrosses, triplecrosses, reluctant teamings and shootouts on the path to the hidden bounty.  While no genre classic, GO KILL AND COME BACK is a very entertaining western filled with good humor and Castellari's trademark action scenes.  Fans of Sergio Leone's films will get a kick out of the gentle spoofing on display here.  Other titles include ANY GUN CAN PLAY, FOR A FEW BULLETS MORE and VADO...L'AMMAZZO E TORNO.  Music by Francesco de Masi.

GOD TOLD ME TO (1977)--Directed by Larry Cohen. Stars Tony LoBianco, Deborah Raffin, Sandy Dennis, Sylvia Sidney, Richard Lynch. Bizarre horror film from one of our more interesting independent directors. New York detective LoBianco is investigating a series of strange mass murders caused by seemingly normal people who claim to have been acting on orders from God. He then finds out the killers did have conversations with a man whose mother was indeed a virgin; however, she wasn't impregnated by God, but by outer space aliens. Additional discoveries by LoBianco lead him to question his own faith and his own origin. Not Cohen's best film, but an offbeat try. It certainly raises a lot of questions about Christianity, while delivering as a straight horror picture. Lynch is creepy as usual as the Christ-like alien. Many critics consider this a low-budget masterpiece. Look for Andy Kaufman in a very small role. Was later known as DEMON when TV stations refused to run trailers for a movie with such a blasphemous title. From the director of BLACK CAESAR.

GODDESS OF LOVE (1988)--Directed by Jim Drake. Stars Vanna White, David Naughton, David Leisure. Vacuous letter-turner Vanna delivers one of the dullest performances in television history in this romantic fantasy starring the WHEEL OF FORTUNE star as Venus.

THE GODFATHER (1972)--Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Stars Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, James Caan, Robert Duvall, Talia Shire, Diane Keaton. Epic drama about a powerful New York mob family won many Oscars, including Best Picture, Director, Actor (Brando) and Screenplay (Coppola and Mario Puzo adapted from Puzo's novel). Brilliant film has many classic scenes that have been pilfered and parodied many times since. Performances are excellent all around, Gordon Willis's cinematography captures the period flavor of 1940s and '50s, and Coppola keeps a complex story with many characters engrossing and easy to follow. Was there any Italian actor in Hollywood left out of this movie?

THE GODFATHER, PART II (1974)--Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Robert Duvall, Talia Shire, Diane Keaton, Lee Strasberg. Only sequel to win a Best Picture Oscar. Excellent sequel is even longer and more complex than the first movie. This time the storyline bounces back and forth between the 1950s, where Corleone son Pacino has taken over the family business, and the turn of the century as patriarch DeNiro begins his reign. Also won Academy Awards for Director, Screenplay and Music Score. Look for Troy Donahue, Danny Aiello, Harry Dean Stanton and Roger Corman in supporting roles.

GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS (1973)--Directed by Fredric Hobbs. Stars E. Kerrigan Prescott, Stuart Lancaster, Christopher Brooks, Richard Marion, Karen Ingenthron. One of the strangest horror films I've ever seen, GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS evolved from the mind of Fredric Hobbs, who directed, wrote, produced, designed the monster suit for and probably catered the darned thing. It's the first giant-killer-mutant-sheep/political-commentary hybrid I've ever seen, and quite likely the last. Nothing that occurs in it could possibly exist in our universe; its dream-like structure and period costumes (in a contemporary setting) suggest the film takes place on its own plane--call it "Earth-Hobbs".

GODMONSTER relates two distinct plots, neither of which relates to the other until the head-scratching climax. The story sort of indicated by the title (no "Godmonster" or "Indian Flats" is ever mentioned in the film) stars the deep-voiced ham Prescott as Professor Clemens, a scientist with his own "private lab" set up in an abandoned mine outside the former mining community of Silverdale, Nevada. Clemens, who carries a portable cassette recorder in a holster attached to his waist, is amazed by the discovery of a gooey mutated sheep embryo found in the stable of young rancher Eddie (Marion). Clemens, accompanied by Eddie and his lab assistant Mariposa (Ingenthron), takes the pulsating blob back to his lab and sticks it in a Plexiglas incubator, where it quickly grows into a ragged-looking eight-foot sheep that walks on its back two legs. I don't mean "quickly" in terms of screen time, because nearly an hour passes between the time in which Clemens discovers the fetus and the full-grown creature makes its rampage. In between, Clemens does a lot of ranting, Eddie and Mariposa make out a lot, and there's some blah-blah about pollution from a nearby landfill, mysterious orange vapors, and a spooky legend of a monster that once stalked the area.

Most of the running time is dedicated to a parallel plot starring Russ Meyer regular Lancaster (SUPERVIXENS) as Charles Silverdale, mayor and "boss" of the town his family founded. Barnstable (Brooks), a sophisticated black businessman, arrives in Silverdale (the town) to purchase some land, but is thwarted at every stop by the mayor, his brutal assistant and the crooked sheriff, who first turn the townspeople against Barnstable by convincing them that he shot the sheriff's dog (!) and later frame him for an attempted murder, which intensifies their fury into a full-fledged lynch mob!

Clearly Hobbs' aim was to make a Statement about race, commercialism (all the tourist town's citizenry wear period clothing--even the whores and bartenders), greed, corruption and scientific progress, which perhaps is too much to fit into one feature. His heart seems to be in the right place, and it looks like Hobbs merely used the "hook" of a monster movie to lure audiences into his Great Social Satire. Oddly, the horror plot is the most entertaining, probably because it's so laughable. The giant sheep is a man in a suit, which looks like a bunch of ratty carpet remnants of similar but different shades sewed together. The sight of this big dope, traipsing across the desert on two legs with one really long arm and one short arm, "frightening" picnicking children or blowing up a filling station is well worth your time, as is Hobbs' misguided BEAUTY & THE BEAST-inspired "dance" between the "Godmonster" and Mariposa. Adding to the fire is Prescott's enormously enthusiastic performance, always dictating technobabble into his tape recorder in an amphetamine-fueled Jack Webb-like cadence or spouting pomposities by the dozen.

Unlike, say, Edward D. Wood, Jr., Hobbs has a pretty good idea how silly this all is, and his camera setups and pacing are too good for GODMONSTER to be the work of a "bad" director. Hobbs is certainly an idiosyncratic filmmaker, but not a bad one, and I wouldn't mind seeing more of his fever-pitched dream-world features. Henri Price scored the film, which was shot in Virginia City, Nevada (I don't think any sets were built). In addition to Lancaster, another Russ Meyer veteran, Erica Gavin (VIXEN), appears briefly at the beginning.

GODMONSTER reportedly never received a theatrical release, so it's doubtful it has ever been seen in as good a condition as it's presented on Something Weird Video's DVD. The full-frame image is a little muted and scratchy in spots, but who knows what kind of shape the original materials are in. The mono sound is fine. Where SWV's presentation really flowers is in the extras they've assigned to the disc. While none relates to GODMONSTER in any direct way, all are representative of their era and are as equally strange.

The Center for Disease Control sanctioned RURAL RAT CONTROL, a black-and-white short from the '50s that starts off slowly, explaining what farmers can do to rid their cellars and chicken coops of rats, then turns "mondo" with film of rats being trapped, snapped, poisoned, choked and beaten. No "no animals were harmed during the making of this film" disclaimer here! COMMUNITY FLY CONTROL, also by the CDC, shows Cub Scouts, housewives and garbage collectors are coming together to rid their suburban white-bread community of pesky houseflies. E. Kerrigan Prescott fans will love YOU CANNOT FART AROUND WITH LOVE, a production number from Fredric Hobbs' previous feature ROSELAND that shows Prescott in a froofy tux performing the title tune backed with singers and dancers. THE GEEK is an edited 16mm color short from the early '70s about six hippies who go into the woods looking for Sasquatch. You can easily spot the "sleeves" and "pant legs" of Bigfoot's suit (although the makeup is good). Your jaw will drop when the hairy beast rips the clothes off a hot blonde and mounts her from behind (she doesn't seem to mind either)! Then the men "attack" in one of the wimpiest fight scenes ever filmed. This is apparently a cut version of a very obscure hardcore feature. I love it!

The DVD's highlight is THE GIRL AND THE GEEK, a feature-length (70 minutes) b&w nudie movie filmed in Texas by local exploitation filmmaker Dale Berry. See its own listing for details, but it's a very bizarre and not too sexy "thriller" starring Josette Valague as a big-boned blonde stripper who's first kidnapped by a pair of thugs, then after escaping into the woods, is chased by a carnival geek in an ill-fitting black Moe Howard wig and fangs. It's an historical oddity of the most entertaining kind.

As you can see, SWV offers a lot of bang for your buck--even if you don't like GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS, you're sure to find some interest in the DVD's extra features--and they should be commended for lavishing such care on obscure movies that might otherwise slip through the cracks of our Blockbuster-ized society and become lost forever.

THE GODMOTHERS (1973)--Directed by William Grefe.  Stars Mickey Rooney, Buddy Lester, Frank Fontaine.  This G-rated mobster comedy was written by and stars Mickey Rooney, who spends probably 1/3 of the 75-minute running time in drag. If you think Rooney probably makes for an ugly woman, you should see his co-star Buddy Lester.  It was directed in Fort Lauderdale, Florida by William Grefe, who made a bunch of melodramas (FIREBALL JUNGLE) and horror movies (DEATH CURSE OF TARTU), but no comedies, as far as I know. And it's pretty obvious why. He and Rooney must have had some kind of relationship, since it's pretty clear this is a vanity project for Mickey. It's a cartoony slapstick romp full of silly sound effects, sight gags, puns and inside breaking-the-fourth-wall jokes. It's also loud, vulgar, idiotic, unfunny and sometimes shockingly tasteless, as in the scene in which Rooney and Lester disguise themselves as waitresses in a Japanese restaurant, complete with enormous buck teeth. It makes Rooney's notorious BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY's caricature look downright sensitive by comparison. 

The plot more or less involves a Mafia don (Frank Fontaine, then best known as Crazy Guggenheim on Jackie Gleason's taped-in-Miami variety show) who plans to marry off his fat sister to Rooney, who lives in a very small apartment with his brother (Lester) and two chicks who file their nails a lot. This set is so cheap and amateurish that it looks like flats for a high-school play. Mick tries to get out of the engagement--'cause she's fat, you see--and ends up undercover in Fontaine's house looking for plans to the secret "Polish Connection", which involves cabbages smuggled into Florida inside bowling balls. Or something like that. I don't think anyone working on this film cared about the story. I don't think anyone working on this film cared about anything except the check not bouncing. 

Truthfully, it's not the worst film I've ever seen, but it is up there...or down there. It is at least energetic and has pacing.  The supporting cast of has-beens also includes midget Billy Barty and Joe E. Ross, the "Ooo! Ooo!" guy from CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU?  I imagine everyone had a nice vacation, but you certainly won't if you watch this.  Oh yeah, the Mick wrote the "original songs" too.  And Barty recites the spoken opening credits. 

GODS AND MONSTERS (1998)--Directed by Bill Condon. Stars Ian McKellen, Brendan Fraser, Lynn Redgrave. McKellen was nominated for an Academy Award (he lost to LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL's Roberto Benigni) for his role as '30s filmmaker James Whale, a favorite of cult movie fans for directing FRANKENSTEIN, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN and other Universal horror classics. An urbane, witty man with an artistic bent, Whale was also a homosexual, which partially led to his retirement from the Hollywood scene in the early '40s. Condon's film takes place over a decade later, as Whale recovers at home after a stroke. Attended by his loyal German housekeeper Hanna (Oscar nominee Redgrave), Whale begins a (platonic) relationship with his gardener (Fraser). McKellen is really the whole film; he's in just about every scene, and most of the movie consists of his conversations about the film industry, his World War I experiences and relationships. It's a very moving and intelligent portrayal of one of Hollywood's forgotten legends. Condon's screenplay won the Oscar. Music by Carter Burwell.

GODZILLA (1998)--Directed by Roland Emmerich. Stars Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria. An American studio's (Tri-Star) first attempt at bringing the big green guy to Western shores was a major critical and commercial flop. Emmerich and co-writer/producer Dean Devlin, who gave us STARGATE and INDEPENDENCE DAY, concocted this $120 million ripoff of JURASSIC PARK without even providing as much in plot or character development that the Spielberg movie did. Godzilla, which looks a LOT like one of Spielberg's dinos, is created by French nuclear testing, and walks under the ocean to Manhattan. Between the big lizard's shambling and the U.S. Army's inability to hit its target (no matter how big the target or how sophisticated their weapons), New York City is blown to ruins. Our hero (Broderick) is an Everyman lizard expert, and his very annoying, poorly sketched love interest is an ambitious TV news producer played by blond Pitillo in one of the worst performances in a major studio film in years. While many of the visual effects are truly dazzling and inventive, there isn't really much here you haven't seen before, and the screenplay is too dull to keep you interested during the (sometimes) long stretches when Godzilla is not on screen. A major disappointment. Also with Harry Shearer, Michael Lerner, Kevin Dunn and Vicki Lewis. Music by David Arnold is a big step down from his exceptional work in TOMORROW NEVER DIES.

GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS (1956)--Directed by Inoshiro Honda and Terry Morse. Stars Raymond Burr, Daisuke Senzawa, Takashi Shimura. Godzilla movies have become kind of a joke the past three decades, but this original is actually pretty good. A 400-foot prehistoric dinosaur is awakened by atomic testing and proceeds to systematically destroy Tokyo with his radioactive breath. When released in the United States, director Morse shot new scenes with Burr as a newspaper reporter covering the carnage and intercut it with the existing Japanese footage. In the original Japanese version, Godzilla (or Gojira, as the monster was originally named) was meant to symbolize the evil of the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki; not surprisingly, that aspect was largely edited out of the American version. The monster also seems more menacing in black-and-white. Eiji Tsuburaya supervised the special effects.

GODZILLA 1985 (1985)--Directed by Kohju Hashimoto. Stars Raymond Burr, Keiju Kobayashi, Ken Tanaka. If you've seen the original GODZILLA, you've seen this one, except this is in color and the special effects are worse! Burr is even back as an American Godzilla expert in Tokyo. The American-shot scenes were directed by R.J. Kizer (HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN), and written by Tony Randel (TICKS). Was the last Godzilla flick to hit these shores until Roland Emmerich's American-made blockbuster in 1998.

GODZILLA 2000 (1999)--Directed by Takao Okawara. Stars Takehiro Murata, Mayu Suzuki, Naomi Nishida, Hiroshi Abe, Shiro Sano. This will most likely be the only GODZILLA 2000 review you read that does not contain the word "cheesy". Americans who confuse "realistic" effects with "good" ones nearly always use that word to describe the visual effects in Japanese monster movies. The intent of the special effects in these movies is not for the scene to look believable, but rather colorful or extravagant. Believe me, a country that can build arguably the best automobiles and computers on Earth can put together a realistic-looking rubber monster suit if it wants to. But that would be beside the point.

Let's face it: Godzilla movies are criticproof. Many of you have already bought bootleg videos of this movie (it was released in Japan last year), and many more wouldn't be caught dead watching any Japanese monster mash no matter what I say. What boggles my mind is that 1998's ineffective Hollywood version of GODZILLA made a ton of money at the box office, and was undoubtedly viewed by scads of Americans who wouldn't even think of paying to see this in a theater, since they would be unable to see past the dubbing and special effects and enjoy the film as it was meant to be enjoyed: as action-packed escapist entertainment for all ages.

Toho, the studio that has released 23 Godzilla outings since the original GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS in 1954, has chosen this time around to ignore the last 22, which basically means Tokyo hasn't been stomped by the Big G in a while, although a few sightings have been reported over the years. The plot, such as it is, follows Yuji Shinoda (Takehiro Murata) and his precocious daughter Io (Mayu Suzuki), proprietors of the Godzilla Prediction Network, who, sort of like the storm chasers of TWISTER, try to guess where Godzilla will pop up next, then follow him in their SUV in order to learn more about him. This heavily contrasts with Japan's Crisis Control Intelligence Agency, whose arrogant leader, Mitsuo Katagiri (Hiroshi Abe, who resembles a Japanese Eric Braeden), is Yuji's archrival, and wants only to destroy Godzilla. Yuji and Io are assisted by a cute photographer named Yuki (Naomi Nishida), who says "Bite me" a lot and almost gets the group killed when she clumsily flashes her camera bulb in Godzilla's face.

The action heats up when the military pulls a gigantic rock out of the ocean that has lain dormant for over 60 million years. Not only that, but it flies too, and soon comes to rest atop Tokyo's tallest building. When the rock, now revealed as an alien spaceship, begins sucking the data out of every computer system in Tokyo, the crack scientists discover the aliens are seeking the secret of Godzilla's super healing powers, and plan to use it to conquer the Earth. Since all the tanks and missiles in Japan prove to be useless against them, it falls upon Godzilla to kick the stuffing out of their representative, a giant, ugly ALIEN look-alike that shoots fire out of its left shoulder.

Plot and characterization is practically non-existent, but who cares? GODZILLA 2000, directed by Takao Okawara, who made three other Godzilla flicks during the 1990s, does have a few major flaws--'Zilla himself completely vanishes during the middle third, an action sequence involving a laptop computer that's downloading the aliens motive goes nowhere, and the climactic monster brawl doesn't stack up to the best GODZILLA cage matches. However, many of the special effects are well-done (by any standard), the English dubbing is actually pretty decent, and there's enough high-flying action to keep even the most easily-distracted audience member riveted to the screen.

I must point out that the screenplay boasts some of the silliest dialogue I've heard in a long time, which only adds to the films appeal. Some examples:

A general describing the effects of his attack on Godzilla on innocent civilians: "I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a little, but I expect 2...300 casualties tops."

Another scientist on his new missile: "This'll go through Godzilla like crap through a goose."

And my favorite: "Did you see that flying rock go by?"

Now how can you resist a movie like that? The just-okay musical score is mixed so low you can barely hear it, but it does contain a few reprises of Akira Ifukube's classic GODZILLA themes. Stuntman Tsutomu Kitagawa portrays Godzilla--or Gojira, as he's called in his native Japan.

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA (1974)--Directed by Jun Fukuda.  Stars Masaaki Daimon, Goro Mitsumi, Kazuya Aoyama.  Toho billed this one as Godzilla's 20th anniversary film.  When Cinema Shares released it in the U.S. in 1977, they retitled it GODZILLA VS. THE BIONIC MONSTER, but were forced to change it to GODZILLA VS. THE COSMIC MONSTER when Universal, owners of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN and THE BIONIC WOMAN, objected.  It's a fast-paced, fun romp pitting The Big G against an evil robot duplicate that shoots missiles from its fingers, lasers from its eyes, and flies.  Alien space apes disguised as humans plot to invade Earth and concoct Mechagodzilla as a secret weapon just in case Godzilla interferes with their plans for conquest.  Some scientists help resurrect a God-like monster, King Caesar, to help gang up on Mechagodzilla.  In addition to the giant-monster battles, Fukuda directs a nicely paced espionage romp with enough shootouts, fights, chases and deathtraps to keep one occupied between falls.  This is one of Toho's better 1970s releases.  This was Godzilla's 14th film, and it spawned a sequel, TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA, as well as a 1990s remake.

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON (1973)--Directed by Jun Fukuda. Some silly aliens from Seatopia try to take over the Earth using a robot chainsaw-wielding bird (Gaigan) and a robot insect with drills for arms (Megalon). Godzilla needs help in saving the world, so he teams up with Ultraman-like superhero Jet Jaguar.

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (1971)—Directed by Yoshimitsu Banno. Stars Akira Yamauchi, Toshie Kimura, Keiko Mari, Hiroyuki Kawase. AIP retitled GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH upon its original U.S. release at a time when ecology was becoming a relevant news topic. Adryan Russ even sings the wild “Save the Earth” over Bondian credits showing sludge washing up on a beach. Most of the initial batch of Godzilla films were directed either by Jun Fukuda or Ishiro Honda, but this is the only one by Banno. Ken (Kawase), a little kid whose scientist father (Yamauchi) is attacked and scarred by a muck monster, names the creature Hedorah. It absorbs pollution, which causes it to grow in the ocean, destroy ships, and melt people. Cool. Godzilla to the rescue! Scenes of a mod discotheque (with glowing skeletons!) combine with weird animated sequences, a very blunt ecology-first message, a Blob-like creature that shoots acid mud out of its nipples (!), and surprisingly bleak monster attacks (that take place at night) to make this flick more memorable than I expected. Interesting that Godzilla, which has destroyed who-knows-how-much property and lives, is portrayed as a hero to children, complete with an action figure! Save the Earth!

GOIN' SOUTH (1978)--Directed by Jack Nicholson. Stars Jack Nicholson, Mary Steenburgen, John Belushi, Christopher Lloyd, Veronica Cartwright. Jack's second directing effort (DRIVE, HE SAID was the first) was this comedy-western in which he plays a likable outlaw who marries a spinster (Steenburgen) to avoid being hanged. They battle at first, but eventually fall in love. Not bad. Was the film debut of Steenburgen and Belushi.

GOING BERSERK (1983)--Directed by David Steinberg.  Stars John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Alley Mills, Pat Hingle, Richard Libertini.  The other SCTV movie of 1983.  STRANGE BREW is a lot better than this scattershot comedy that substitutes bad taste and funny names for laughs.  Big John Bourgignon (Candy) runs a tiny limousine service with his best pal Chick (Flaherty).  He's also marrying Nancy (Mills), the daughter of presidential candidate Ed Reese (Hingle), in two days.  Reese's major nemesis, religious cultist/con artist Sun Yi Day (Libertini), concocts a plot to brainwash John using a playing card and writhing aerobicizers into assassinating his new father-in-law on his wedding day.  Much of GOING BERSERK has little to do with the story, focusing on setpieces that closely resemble sketches that were rejected by SCTV, including a parody of kung fu movies (a dead horse after KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE) and a mean-spirited updating of FATHER KNOWS BEST (with Elinor Donahue!).  Candy is as good as the screenplay by Steinberg and Dana Olsen allows him to be, with Flaherty and Levy, as sleazy filmmaker Sal DiPasquale, sadly underutilized.  Also with Dixie Carter, Kurtwood Smith, Paul Dooley, Dan Barrows, Bill Saluga, Julius Harris, Rosalind Chao, George Kee Cheung and Ernie Hudson.  Music by Tom Scott.  Steinberg was a former member of Second City who had his own Canadian variety show in the '70s, on which Flaherty and other SCTVers appeared.

GOING IN STYLE (1979)--Directed by Martin Brest. Stars George Burns, Art Carney, Lee Strasberg. The stars are charming in this warm comedy/drama about three bored New York senior citizens who decide to rob a bank. From the director of MIDNIGHT RUN.

GOING TO PIECES: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE SLASHER FILM (2006)—Directed by Jeff McQueen.  Stars John Carpenter, Tom Savini, Wes Craven.  Adam Rockoff’s book of the same title served as inspiration for this 90-minute documentary made for the Starz cable network.  Not surprisingly, it looks into the financially successful (if much less so critically) genre of horror movie that more or less began with 1978’s HALLOWEEN and climaxed with A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET in 1984.  In between, hundreds of horny teenagers were sliced, diced and chopped to death in cheap horror flicks with descriptive titles like PIECES, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, TERROR TRAIN and many more.  The producers did their homework, landing on-camera interviews with slasher icons Carpenter (director of HALLOWEEN), Craven (directed SCREAM and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET), Savini (makeup effects guru), Joseph Zito (THE PROWLER), Sean Cunningham (FRIDAY THE 13TH), Fred Walton (WHEN A STRANGER CALLS), Felissa Rose (SLEEPAWAY CAMP), Bob Clark (BLACK CHRISTMAS), Herb Freed (GRADUATION DAY), PSYCHO writer Joseph Stefano, actress Betsy Palmer and many others.  You’ll also enjoy the judicious use of clips from several dozen slashers; however, be warned that GOING TO PIECES contains many spoilers that will ruin plot twists in the films listed above (and others).  I didn’t learn anything about slasher movies I didn’t already know, but I appreciate the respect given to a genre that historically has been heavily disrespected (clips of Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel bashing these movies are included).

GOLD OF THE AMAZON WOMEN (1979)--Directed by Mark L. Lester.  Stars Bo Svenson, Anita Ekberg, Donald Pleasence, Richard Romanus.  I'd love to see how NBC promoted this ridiculous adventure film.  Shot mostly in Trinidad and produced by Alfredo Leone (LISA AND THE DEVIL), GOLD is one of the most ragged made-for-TV features ever made, goosed along by a campy teleplay by Stanley Ralph Ross (who wrote for BATMAN and WONDER WOMAN) and a rambling, improvisational performance by a likely drunk Svenson.

Great white explorer Tom Jensen (Svenson), accompanied by an eager city boy (Romanus), trudges into the deepest jungles of Brazil in search of the legendary Gold of the Seven Cities.  Among the obstacles in his path are deadly snakes, deadly ants, fierce natives and Blasco (Pleasence), a druglord who wants the gold to finance his international smuggling operation.  Blasco's attack by helicopter leaves Jensen on foot and without supplies, setting him up for capture by a tribe of statuesque Amazons.  Ruled by Queen Na-Eela (Ekberg in a rare TV appearance), the ladies snatch Svenson and Romanus to use as breeding stock.  Race Pleasence into the jungle for a fortune in gold or live contentedly as sex slaves to a group of hot women?  What's a red-blooded American adventurer to do?

Lester's direction is well-paced, if not particularly organized, but what GOLD really needs is a few exploitative elements to put it fully over the top.  The cast seems to be having a fairly good time, and the dialogue seems to indicate that none of this is to be taken very seriously, as does a laughable scene in which a warpainted Svenson frugs with a sexy native bellydancer.  It's certainly difficult to, particularly when what appears to be an unusual sci-fi element is introduced to the story in the late innings, featuring a new character from out of the blue.  While Svenson (soon to be on NBC's WALKING TALL series) and Pleasence could play this junk in their sleep (and might well be), Ekberg is stiff, unconvincing and not terribly attractive as the Amazon queen.  Watch this one late at night for some quickie laughs.  Stunt coordinator Bob Minor has a role as a non-English-speaking native. 

THE GOLDEN CHILD (1986)--Directed by Michael Ritchie. Stars Eddie Murphy, Charlotte Lewis, Charles Dance, J.L. Reate. Murphy was red-hot coming off 48 HRS., TRADING PLACES, and BEVERLY HILLS COP, and this underrated comic adventure was his fourth straight Paramount smash. Critics gave it the short end of the stick, but I think it’s a nice showcase for Eddie’s brash comic talent. As Chandler Jarrell, an investigator specializing in finding missing children, Eddie is drawn into the disappearance of a Tibetan prince (Reate) with magical powers. The boy lies within the clutches of demon Sardo Numspa (Dance), who needs to destroys the “golden child’s” powers in order to take over the world. A sloppy screenplay and Ritchie’s unusually slack direction prevent the film from ranking among Murphy’s best, but the star’s charm (he must be inventing some of his dialogue) goes a long way toward saving it. John Barry’s original score was replaced by a terrible one by Michel Colombier, which has probably also contributed to the movie’s bad rep. Also with James Hong, Randall “Tex” Cobb, and Victor Wong. Industrial Light and Magic appears to have rushed the effects, though I think the stop-motion dancing Pepsi can is cute.

THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1974)--Directed by Gordon Hessler. Stars John Phillip Law, Caroline Munro, Tom Baker, Douglas Wilmer. 16 years after Charles H. Schneer and Ray Harryhausen produced the smash hit THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD, the two men collaborated on a sequel featuring mostly wonderful stop-motion effects by Harryhausen. Sinbad (Law) discovers a golden charm, which he wears around his neck like a pendant. He meets the grotesquely scarred Vizier (Wilmer), who covers his head with a metal helmet, and has a second interlocking piece of the charm. Discovering that the two pieces form a portion of a map of hidden treasure, Sinbad and the Vizier team up to capture the third and final section, which is possessed by evil sorcerer Koura (DOCTOR WHO's Tom Baker). Joining Sinbad's party is jawdroppingly sexy slave girl Mariana (Munro), whose job is to fall in love with and be repeatedly rescued by Sinbad. Harryhausen's creations--including a one-eyed centaur, a six-armed sword-wielding statue and a bat-like creature--are well executed, and, despite Hessler's static direction, THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD is a pretty fun ride in a lighthearted Saturday matinee kind of way. Definitely not for kids is Munro, who, with her gorgeous long hair and cleavage-baring harem outfit, is one of the era's most erotic movie heroines. Miklos Rosza's rousing score maintains the tradition started by Bernard Herrmann in the original, and Brian Clemens' (THE AVENGERS) script contains just the right amount of action. Also with Martin Shaw, Kurt Christian and an unrecognizable cameo reportedly played by Robert Shaw. From the director of SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN.

GOLDENEYE (1995)--Directed by Martin Campbell. Stars Pierce Brosnan, Izabella Scorupco, Sean Bean, Famke Janssen, Joe Don Baker, Robbie Coltrane. After a six-year absence (due to legal problems, MGM/UA's financial woes, "Cubby" Broccoli's ill health, the death of veteran Bond scripter Richard Maibaum and a dozen other obstacles), Ian Fleming's intrepid secret agent 007 returned to the big screen in this box-office smash. After a tremendously exciting pre-credit stunt sequence, Bond (Brosnan, replacing Timothy Dalton) is assigned by a female M (Miss Judi Dench) to prevent a Russian general from kidnapping a secret satellite (called Goldeneye, actually the name of Ian Fleming's Jamaican home). Along the way, James encounters a gorgeous Russian computer expert (Scorupco), a sexy assassin (with the unlikely moniker of Xenia Onatopp) who crushes her victims to death with her thighs (an erotic Janssen), a friendly Felix Leiter-type (Baker) and the film's true villain: megalomaniac Agent 006 (Bean), Bond's supposedly dead partner and friend. GOLDENEYE also provides Bond fans with the usual amazing stunts, chases, explosions and high production values normally associated with the series. Brosnan, who was offered the Bond role in 1986, but was unable to accept due to his commitment with NBC's REMINGTON STEELE series, makes a terrific 007, combining the charm of Connery, the humor of Moore and the gravity of Dalton into one sexy package. Eric Serra's score lacks the impact of John Barry's music of Bonds past. Bond veteran Derek Meddings's miniature FX work is incredible as usual. Theme performed by Tina Turner, and written by Bono and the Edge of U2. From the director of NO ESCAPE.

GOLDENGIRL (1979)--Directed by Joseph Sargent. Stars Susan Anton, James Coburn, Robert Culp, Leslie Caron, Harry Guardino, Curt Jurgens. A voluptuous six-foot blonde sprinter (Anton) wins three gold medals at the Summer Olympic Games. Adopted father/Nazi scientist Jurgens has genetically engineered her as a superior athlete. Coburn plays her fast-talking agent. For fans of voluptuous six-foot blondes only.

GOLDFINGER (1964)--Directed by Guy Hamilton. Stars Sean Connery, Gert Frobe, Honor Blackman, Harold Sakata, Shirley Eaton. Connery's third time as 007 was indeed a charm. James Bond travels to Kentucky to prevent villain Auric Goldfinger (Frobe) from using deadly nerve gas and an atomic bomb to contaminate the gold in Fort Knox, thus improving the value of his own gold supply. Film is best remembered for Bond's gimmick-laden Aston Martin (which features an ejector seat and a bulletproof shield in its repertoire) and for Goldfinger's massive Asian sidekick Oddjob (Sakata), who uses the razor-sharp brim of his bowler to kill. Is considered by many Bond experts to be the best of the series, mixing action, humor and the excessive gadgetry that was to characterize the Bond series from now on. Besides, how can you not like any movie with a character named "Pussy Galore"? Music by John Barry. Theme performed by Shirley Bassey. Contains more memorable scenes than any other Bond picture.