FLESH GORDON (1974)--Directed by Howard Ziehm and Michael Benvenides. Stars Jason Williams, Suzanne Fields, John Hoyt. X-rated science-fiction spoof is a softcore porn parody of the 1930s FLASH GORDON serials with Buster Crabbe. It's a lot of fun; although most of the jokes are painful puns and one-liners, the energy level is high, the film is much more ambitious than you might expect, and everyone involved seems to have had a good time. The levels of sex and nudity are pretty tame by today's standards, and maybe could even get an R. The acting is pretty bad all around, but it's interesting to see spaceships and space dinosaurs shaped like sex organs. Pretty good stop-motion animation by effects wizards David Allen, Mike Minor, Dennis Muren, Greg Jein, Rick Baker and Jim Danforth (using a pseudonym), all of whom went on to bigger and better things (and a few Academy Awards too). Hoyt was a popular character actor in mainstream features including WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE, the original STAR TREK pilot and the lame sitcom GIMME A BREAK.

FLESHBURN (1984)--Directed by George Gage. Stars Steve Kanaly, Karen Carlson, Sonny Landham, Macon McCalman. Indian Landham escapes from a mental hospital, and plans revenge against the psychiatrists who sent him there. He kidnaps them, and strands them in the desert. He uses Indian black magic tricks on them, as the doctors fight to survive. Not real exciting.

FLETCH (1985)--Directed by Michael Ritchie.  Stars Chevy Chase, Tim Matheson, Dana Wheeler-Nicholson, Joe Don Baker.  Chevy’s best film role was as Gregory McDonald’s Fletch, an investigative reporter for an L.A. newspaper who dons an assortment of disguises and identities in the pursuit of a good story.  While looking into a case of possible police corruption and the sale of drugs at the beach, Fletch is offered $50,000 by the terminally ill Alan Stanwyk (Matheson) to murder him so his wife (Wheeler-Nicholson) can collect the insurance.  However, as Fletch digs into Stanwyk’s home and work lives, he begins to suspect a con.  Writer Andrew Bergman’s screenplay contains many delightful twists and lines, and Chase seems to be having a good time in a role that’s a good fit for him.  He and director Ritchie returned for FLETCH LIVES, which is a dog.  Great cast includes Richard Libertini, M. Emmet Walsh, Geena Davis, Kenneth Mars, George Wyner, Burton Gilliam, William Sanderson, Alison LaPlaca and even Chick Hearn and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  Harold Faltermeyer’s synth score was a replacement for Tom Scott’s, but it unfortunately sounds nearly identical to his BEVERLY HILLS COP compositions.

FLETCH LIVES (1989)--Directed by Michael Ritchie. Stars Chevy Chase, Julianne Phillips, Hal Holbrook, Cleavon Little, R. Lee Ermey. Chase and Ritchie reunited for this terrible sequel that contains none of the wit and charm of the original. Fletch (Chase) goes to Louisiana to check out a mansion he has inherited and becomes involved with a murder and a crooked televangelist (Ermey). There is at least one terrific scene (Chase in a SONG OF THE SOUTH dream sequence), but you'd be better off renting the original on videocassette.

FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (1965)--Directed by Robert Aldrich. Stars James Stewart, Richard Attenborough, Ernest Borgnine, Hardy Kruger, Peter Finch, Ian Bannen, George Kennedy, Dan Duryea. Tense adventure film about a group of men struggling to stay alive after their plane crashes and they are stranded in an Arabian desert. Stewart is strong as the pilot of the plane, and Kruger is equally good as a cynical German "aeronautics" engineer. Excellent all-male cast. Tightly directed by Aldrich (THE DIRTY DOZEN).

THE FLINTSTONES (1994)--Directed by Brian Levant. Stars John Goodman, Rick Moranis, Elizabeth Perkins, Rosie O'Donnell. A stunning achievement in production design and visual effects, but a dud in storytelling. Thin plot finds Fred Flintstone (Goodman) being promoted to vice-president of Mr. Slate's quarry by president Cliff Vandercave (Kyle MacLachlan). Vandercave, with the help of voluptuous secretary Sharon Stone (Halle Berry), plans to embezzle company funds and make Fred the fall guy. Despite the presence of 32 (!) writers, the script's humor is about on the same level as the 1960-66 TV cartoon series. The cast is good, although O'Donnell is miscast as Betty Rubble. You certainly have to hand it to the set designers and the visual effects wizards at Industrial Light and Magic. They did a stupendous job recreating the cartoon world of Bedrock. That's about all this movie has going for it, however. Also with Elizabeth Taylor as Fred's sharp-tongued mother-in-law, cameos by Jay Leno, Laraine Newman, Jonathan Winters, series creators William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, TV Wilma Jean Vanderpyl, EVIL DEAD director Sam Raimi and the voice of Harvey Korman (the Great Gazoo on the Flintstones' TV show).

THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS (2000)--Directed by Brian Levant. Stars Mark Addy, Stephen Baldwin, Kristen Johnson, Jane Krakowski, Thomas Gibson, Alan Cumming. Frankly, I was yabba-dabba-dubious when I learned the plot of this PG feature for kids would focus on a mission by the Great Gazoo (Cumming) to study the mating habits of Fred Flintstone (THE FULL MONTY's Addy) and Barney Rubble (the too-tall Baldwin). Egads, dum-dums! Univershell Studios's prequel to the 1994 box-office hit shows us how Fred and Barney first met, wooed and eventually married their dream girls: tall, red-haired Wilma Slaghoople (3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN's Johnson) and curvy brunette Betty O'Shale (Krakowski of ALLY MCBEAL). Not only does Fred have to deal with pesky green alien Gazoo, who can only be seen by Fred and Barney and frequently pops up at the most inopportune moments, but also the evil machinations of oily magnate Chip Rockefeller (Gibson), who wants Wilma--and her family's fortune--for his own. When Chip invites Fred and the gang to the grand opening of his new casino in Rock Vegas, everyone but Fred smells a ratosaurus, which leads to a robbery frame-up, Betty's flirtation with narcissistic rock star Mick Jagged (Cumming again) of the Stones, two wedding proposals and a pair of big-hat-wearing mobsters, one of which is a dwarf.

VIVA ROCK VEGAS's biggest problem is its plot, which is way too convoluted for a movie about classic cartoon characters. Levant, who also directed the first FLINTSTONES, actually seems to care about the story, when he should have been putting more effort into creating funny jokes and clever situations for his characters. The cast is fine, and I like that the filmmakers have captured the spirit of the original '60s cartoon in its props and sets, music and sound effects, and even the way the action will often pause for a throwaway line by, for instance, a bird acting as a remote-control device. The pretty colors and amiable actors kept me going for awhile, but I really didn't care too much about Chip's financial troubles, Betty and Barney's breakup or Fred's gambling addiction, and I got bored real quick.

As for the performances, Addy comes off best; he really does look and sound just like Fred (who, of course, looks and sounds a lot like Jackie Gleason). Baldwin is too tall and too dim as Barney, although he does have the laugh down. Same with Krakowski, who also manages to be sexy and sweet. Johnson looks like Wilma, but doesn't project enough toughness, and doesn't seem to be the type to put Fred in his place after another of his moneymaking schemes. Harvey Korman, who provided Gazoo's voice in the TV series, doesn't have nearly enough to do as Wilma's poorly-written senile father, and Joan Collins, replacing Elizabeth Taylor in the original FLINTSTONES, gets to do a spittake as Wilma's snobby mother.

Also with Beverly Sanders, Buck Kartalian, series creators William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, legendary Hanna-Barbera voice artist John Stephenson (who played Jonny Quest's dad, among other characters) as a minister, and the voice of Rosie O'Donnell as an octopus masseuse. Music by David Newman. Co-writer Jim Cash died of cancer just four weeks before the film was released. Ann-Margret, who appeared with Elvis in VIVA LAS VEGAS, performs the title song, but for some crazy reason does not reprise her TV role as Ann-Margrock.

FLIRTING WITH DISASTER (1996)--Directed by David O. Russell. Stars Ben Stiller, Patricia Arquette, Tea Leoni, George Segal, Mary Tyler Moore, Alan Alda, Lily Tomlin. This terrific comedy stars Stiller as a neurotic New Yorker who is unable to name his four-month-old son until he discovers his real parents. His adopted folks (played hilariously by Segal and Moore) are appalled by this, but go along with Stiller's quest because they love him. The film is basically a collection of comic setpieces, as Stiller, along with wife Arquette and sexy adoption agency employee Leoni, travel cross-country in search of Stiller's family. When he finally finds them, they turn out to be stuck-in-the-'60s hippies, played by Alda and Tomlin in their best roles in years. Funny stuff.

THE FLOCK (2007)—Directed by Wai-keung Lau and Niels Mueller.  Stars Richard Gere, Claire Danes.  It took awhile for this clunky thriller from Bauer Martinez to get released, and then only directly to DVD.  Hopelessly unrealistic portrayals of civil servants by Gere and Danes, as well as a dull story, pollute THE FLOCK, which was directed by Hong Kong’s acclaimed Wai-keung Lau (the INFERNAL AFFAIRS series), but was finished in reshoots by THE ASSASSINATION OF RICHARD NIXON’s Mueller.  Gere works for the Department of Public Safety; his job is to periodically check up on registered sex offenders, which has left him lonely, angry and paranoid.  With a month to go before his forced retirement, he’s given the duty of training his replacement, the naïve, compassionate Danes.  Convinced that a recently missing teenage girl is the victim of one of his charges, Gere, the office loon, unconvincingly lures Danes into investigating the disappearance.  I never believed anything Gere or Danes did, and attempts at SE7EN-style chills fall flat.  KaDee Strickland, Ray Wise, French Stewart (as a pedophile) and Avril Lavigne (whose billing belies her screen time) also appear.

THE FLORIDA CONNECTION (1978)--Directed by Robert J. Emery. Stars Dan Pastorini, June Wilkinson, Bill Thurman. Unbelievably poor action movie starring Houston Oilers quarterback Pastorini (who delivered touchdown passes much better than his lines) as a pot smuggler in the Everglades fighting corrupt redneck cops. Pastorini was married to big-breasted pinup model Wilkinson at the time, which explains her presence here as a pilot. This is NOT easy to sit through. I have three times. Good luck.

THE FLY (1986)--Directed by David Cronenberg. Stars Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz. The rare film remake that actually improves over the original. Cronenberg's version of the 1958 cult classic is a poignant and frightening character study of scientist Seth Brundle (Goldblum), whose genetics experiments have fused his molecules with those of a fly. He slowly begins to transform, while girlfriend Davis watches in horror and sympathy. Since it's a Cronenberg film, there's plenty of gore for those viewers who aren't squeamish, but the more faint-of-heart should enjoy the engaging love story. Goldblum deserved a Best Actor Academy Award nomination. Makeup artist Chris Walas won a well-deserved Oscar, and even got to direct the 1989 sequel (without Goldblum and Davis). Score by Howard Shore.

FLY ME (1973)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.  Stars Pat Anderson, Lenore Kasdorf, Lyllah Torena, Naomi Stevens, Richard Young.  Santiago basically remade this a couple of years later as COVER GIRL MODELS.  It's part of New World's series of sexy adventures involving a trio of lovely professional women who find themselves involved in love affairs and crime dramas, such as THE STUDENT TEACHERS, NIGHT CALL NURSES and, yes, COVER GIRL MODELS.  Producer Roger Corman made a lot of money making this film over and over again during the early 1970's.

Toby (Anderson), Sherry (Torena) and Andrea (Kasdorf) are United stewardesses on an overseas flight from Los Angeles to Hong Kong and Manila.  Toby attempts a love affair with a nice doctor (Young), a difficult task with her overbearing Italian mother (Stevens) constantly sticking her nose in.  Andrea teams up with an undercover cop to find her missing boyfriend, while nympho Sherry is kidnapped by white slavers.  Somehow, screenwriter Miller Drake manages to make all three girls' subplots come together at the end; FLY ME is probably the only film ever to combine a sleazy storyline involving drugging nude young women and selling them as sex slaves with a comic-relief meddling mother character.

With less than 75 minutes of screen time to play with (perfect for the bottom of a drive-in twin bill), Santiago manages to insert plenty of topless nudity, travelogue footage serving as padding, an international crime syndicate and kung fu sequences that are actually pretty good.  That may be because David Chow is credited with directing Kung Fu Sequences, while future Oscar winner Jonathan Demme is billed as Film Director.  Beats the hell out of me what Santiago's job was.  Drake went on to write and direct the notorious prologue for the re-release of New World's SCREAMERS, the film that claimed to show a man being turned inside-out.  It doesn't.  Also with Dick Miller, Ken Metcalfe and Vic Diaz.  The uncredited musical score is pretty funky, as Filipino action flicks go.  Joe Dante was the dialogue director, making me speculate whether Demme did most of the directing.

THE FLYING SERPENT (1946)—Directed by Sam Newfield.  Stars George Zucco, Hope Kramer, Ralph Lewis, Eddie Acuff.  Why would Poverty Row PRC want to remake its ridiculous THE DEVIL BAT (with Bela Lugosi) from six years earlier?  Hey, who knows why PRC did a lot of things; let’s just be happy it did, ‘cause THE FLYING SERPENT is almost as much of a riot as the original.  The always-fun-to-watch Zucco stars as Andrew Forbes, an archeologist who discovers Montezuma’s treasure hidden away in a New Mexico cave—a treasure being faithfully guarded by Quetzelcoatl, a fire-breathing, feathered dragon god (presented by PRC’s special effects team as an unconvincing marionette).  Instead of taking his treasure and living out the rest of his days on a Caribbean beach, Forbes just stops by occasionally to admire his loot and to explain plot exposition to Quetzelcoatl.  Whenever he feels threatened, he plucks a feather from his friend and plants it on his enemy.  When released from its cage, the flying dragon attacks whoever is in possession of its feather, draining the victim’s blood and returning to its home.  After Forbes uses Quetzelcoatl to murder a colleague, a radio detective (Lewis) arrives in town to solve the mystery.  Running less than an hour, which is still too long to support its flimsy plot, THE FLYING SERPENT improves on THE DEVIL BAT in the monster department, but not in any other way, although Zucco and Lugosi are almost equal in the menace department.  Scenes of Quetzelcoatl dipping out of the sky and attaching itself to an actor’s neck won’t soon be forgotten for their lunacy.

THE FOG (1980)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Hal Holbrook, Tom Atkins. Exactly 100 years after the town was founded by six men who murdered a colony of lepers and stole their gold, the people of seaside Antonio Bay, California are being wiped out during a celebration led by the town's mayor (Leigh). A mysterious glowing fog envelops the town, resulting in the disappearance of the three occupants of a fishing boat. Coast Guard official Nick (Atkins) investigates the boat with Elizabeth (Curtis), a young hitchhiker with whom he had a one-night stand, and discovers one of the bodies with its eyes gouged out. Other murders plague the town--disc jockey Barbeau's son's babysitter is another victim, as is an employee of the local weather station. Alcoholic priest Holbrook discovers that the victims are the descendants of the six original town founders--of which his grandfather was the leader!

What could have been a horror classic is seriously marred by an illogical and hokey script, which distracts the audience with too many dopey plotholes. Who exactly are the killers? Why do the victims appear to have been immersed in salt water for weeks rather than hours? Why does one of the victims briefly return to life long enough to stagger across the morgue? Why is it warm at night and cold during the daytime? Carpenter builds a lot of suspense and atmosphere--the radio station is located in a spooky lighthouse, which makes for an excellent location--and some of the scares will definitely make you bolt in your seat. The veteran cast does a good job (Curtis fans will be disappointed by her relatively small and indifferently scripted role), and Carpenter's musical score is one of his best. The killers, who have glowing eyes and drip with seaweed, are well-photographed by Dean Cundey, and despite the body count and frequent glimpses of sharp killing objects, not a drop of blood is spilled. Despite the weakness of the screenplay by Carpenter and producer Debra Hill, THE FOG remains one of Carpenter's best horrors, and looks a lot better in retrospect compared with such disappointments as VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED and ESCAPE FROM L.A.

Also with James Canning, Charles Cyphers and Nancy Loomis (who were both in HALLOWEEN), Ty Mitchell, Buck Flower, Darrow Igus and Regina Waldon. John Houseman cleverly introduces the movie as an old man telling a ghost story to a group of children around a campfire, a terrific scene-setter for the terror that follows. Special makeup artist Rob Bottin and production designer/editor Tommy Lee Wallace have cameos, and Carpenter himself appears as a church caretaker. Many of the character names are in-jokey references to cast and crew members from Carpenter's previous feature HALLOWEEN, and the coroner is named after Vincent Price's notorious early-'70s villain Dr. Phibes!

THE FOG OF WAR: ELEVEN LESSONS FROM THE LIFE OF ROBERT MCNAMARA (2003)--Directed by Errol Morris.  Stars Robert S. McNamara.  THE FOG OF WAR should be required viewing for anyone closely following the war in Iraq. And absolutely required for those in Washington, D.C. actually involved in the decision-making.  It's basically one long interview with Robert S. McNamara, the U.S. Secretary of Defense under Presidents Kennedy and Johnson. McNamara was an archfoe of the passionate anti-Vietnam protestors of the period, a man accused of arrogance, a lack of human feeling and a mathematical, rather than emotional, approach to sending men overseas to die.  Obviously, there's no way to watch FOG and not feel compelled to substitute the words "Rumsfeld", "Bush" and "Iraq" for "McNamara", "Johnson" and "Vietnam". The similarities between the two administrations and their approaches to war are frighteningly similar. As McNamara even points out, the lack of effective data, inability to admit or accept failure, and an arrogant dismissal of the opinions and advice of U.S. allies were fatal flaws in the Johnson administration's approach to 'Nam. And, of course, the sight of a Texan President with a decidedly inferior intelligence to those businessmen (McNamara was the president of the Ford Motor Company before joining Kennedy's staff) in his inner circle is one we see on the evening news every night.  While McNamara doesn't go so far as to apologize for his actions during the late 1960's, he clearly sees his tenure as Defense Secretary in a different light, a more sorrowful one. Perhaps he feels an apology would feel hollow so many years later; after all, what's done is done. I came out of FOG admiring him a lot more than I did going into the film. I'd like to admire our current leaders the same way. I just hope it doesn't take 40 years for them to admit they screwed up.

Let’s face it--it may not be politically correct, but a pint-sized, kung fu-kicking superspy is entertaining. In the hands of Weng Weng, armed with a bizarre hairline and an eye-burning array of white leisure suits, FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY comes to life in ways nobody could imagine.  You really can't call yourself a well-rounded film fan until you've seen Weng Weng kicking ass and taking names, using his powerful kung fu to smash the testicles of his enemies.  Whether he's using his mighty midget mojo to sex up hot Filipinas or mowing down dozens of henchmen with his deadly trick pistola, Weng Weng makes Sean Connery and Steve McQueen, in their primes, look like pantywaists.  Let me put it this way--there are two kinds of people in this world: those who have experienced the awe and mystery of Weng Weng and those who have not.  You don’t want to be someone who has not.

FORBIDDEN PLANET (1956)--Directed by Fred Wilcox. Stars Leslie Nielsen, Walter Pidgeon, Anne Francis, Warren Stevens, Richard Anderson, Earl Holliman, James Drury. Many science-fiction fans will disagree, but I find this classic to be a bit dull and slightly overrated. Based on THE TEMPEST by William Shakespeare, the story finds the crew of a space cruiser landing on Altair-IV to find out whatever happened to the people who colonized there twenty years before. The only ones left are a brilliant scientist (Pidgeon), his beautiful teenage daughter (Francis), and Robby the Robot. The movie deserves much credit for being more intelligent and ambitious than most science-fiction films of the day, but the story doesn't always make much sense, and the acting is pretty wooden all around. Give credit to MGM for giving this project such a high budget and filming in color and Cinemascope. FORBIDDEN PLANET has influenced countless films and television shows since, most notably LOST IN SPACE and STAR TREK. With the exception of the well-respected Pidgeon, who was already a star, the cast went on to have very successful careers in television. Script by Cyril Hume. Special effects by A. Arnold Gillespie. Interesting electronic music score by Louis and Bebe Barron.

FORBIDDEN WORLD (1982)--Directed by Allan Holzman. Stars Jesse Vint, June Chadwick, Linden Chiles. Very sleazy and very cheap ALIEN ripoff produced by Roger Corman and released by his New World company. Space cowboy Vint lands on a distant planet inhabited by a few scientists working on experiments in creating artificial foodstuffs. Somehow, they create an ugly, bloodthirsty monster by splicing alien and human DNA, which proceeds to kill off the tiny cast one at a time. The sets and SFX were obviously created on an extremely low budget (the opening space battle is lifted from Corman's BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS, and one hallway appears to be made out of egg cartons!), but exploitation fans will undoubtedly love the gratuitous sex and nudity frequently on display (thanks for future V star Chadwick and 20-year-old actress Dawn Dunlap) and the extreme gore (Vint removes one character's cancerous tumor--without the aid of an anesthetic!). Not to mention the brief 77-minute running time. Corman had already made this film the year before as GALAXY OF TERROR with Ray Walston and Erin Moran. FORBIDDEN WORLD was also released as MUTANT, which makes more sense. James Cameron was one of the New World art directors who built those egg-carton corridors.