Colorful and slightly sleazy, FEAR CHAMBER stars a visibly infirm Karloff as Dr. Mandel, a scientist who discovers an alien creature living underground that survives on a certain chemical that can only be produced by a severely freaked-out human being.  Therefore, Mandel and his staff must kidnap sexy young women and place them in horrifying situations that produce a high level of fear.  As usual in this type of movie, the more food the creature ingests, the stronger it gets and the more fluid it needs to survive.

Ibanez does a nice job matching in cinematography and editing his film with the Karloff footage lensed in California.  He also provides extra spice in the form of several women stripped down to their underwear before they are victimized in Mandel’s “fear chamber.”  Hill believes FEAR CHAMBER to be the best of his four Karloff movies, and he might be right.  The unusual shooting schedule renders some of the plot unintelligible, but the movie moves along well enough, and Dear Boris is quite good.  The other films in the unofficial “series” have been released under many different titles all over the world, but include THE INCREDIBLE INVASION, CAULDRON OF BLOOD and ISLE OF THE SNAKE PEOPLE.  Hill later directed SORCERESS in Mexico, but didn’t take credit on that film either.

FEAR CITY (1985)--Directed by Abel Ferrara. Stars Jack Scalia, Tom Berenger, Billy Dee Williams, Melanie Griffith, Michael V. Gazzo. This effort by cult director Ferrara stars Scalia and Berenger as owners of a seedy New York City nightclub on the lookout for a psycho who's slashing topless dancers. Williams lends strong support as a detective, and Griffith has plenty of nude scenes. With amazingly high doses of sleaze, violence and nudity. Also with Rae Dawn Chong, Rossano Brazzi, Maria Conchita Alonzo (in her American film debut), Melanie's sister Tracy Griffith and Jan Murray! From the director of BAD LIEUTENANT.

FEAR IN THE NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Jimmy Sangster.  Stars Ralph Bates, Judy Geeson, Peter Cushing, Joan Collins.  Even if you guess what’s coming up in Sangster’s twisty thriller, it’s still an intimate, properly acted whodunit.  Nobody believes poor Peggy (Geeson) after she’s accosted in her apartment by a one-armed burglar.  Her new husband Robert Heller (Bates) still doesn’t buy her story after she claims to have been attacked again at their new home across from the all-boys school where Robert teaches.  While the students are gone for the summer, the Hellers live there alone with the headmaster, Michael (Cushing), and his younger wife Molly (Collins).  Oh, did I mention Michael has only one arm?  A typically classy Hammer thriller that shies away from the sex and bloodshed that was creeping into the company’s films of the era.  Sangster directs with an ounce of wit, and the performances are smashing, of course.

FEAR IS THE KEY (1972)--Directed by Michael Tuchner.  Stars Barry Newman, Suzy Kendall, John Vernon, Dolph Sweet.  Based on an Alistair MacLean novel, the best way to enjoy this twisty thriller is to just let the surprises pour over you.  Three years after his family is killed in a plane crash, John Talbot (Newman) is arrested for brawling in a small Louisiana swamp town.  He escapes from custody, taking beautiful socialite Sarah Ruthven (Kendall) hostage, and eludes police in a crackling car chase choreographed by stunt pros Carey Loftin and Joie Chitwood.  He’s eventually captured by a crooked ex-cop named Jablonsky (Sweet), who doesn’t turn him over to the police, but rather Vyland (Vernon), a business associate of Sarah’s father.  From there, Robert Carrington’s screenplay offers up several nifty plot turns certain to keep you guessing.  The climax is quieter than a typical thriller, yet effective.  Ben Kingsley--with hair--makes his film debut as a hitman.  Music by Roy Budd.

FEARDOTCOM (2002)--Directed by William Malone.  Stars Stephen Dorff, Natascha McElhone, Stephen Rea, Udo Kier.  Malone surely loves horror movies.  I can tell by counting the number of them he has ripped off for his movie.  The little girl bouncing the white ball is blatantly ripped from Mario Bava's Italian classic KILL, BABY...KILL!.  One character's underwater swim through a flooded, corpse-infested hallway comes from Dario Argento's INFERNO.  Most of the violent imagery is quite reminiscent of THE CELL and even Malone's own HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remake.  The sets and murky cinematography have been designed with SEVEN's rainy, gloomy atmosphere in mind.  Most egregiously, FEARDOTCOM has the exact same plot as Japan's acclaimed THE RING.  And I think it goes without saying that most of these antecessors are much better and certainly more original horror fare.

What begins as a mystery winds up as a nonsensical Nine Inch Nails video awash in bad industrial music, grainy film stock, flashy editing and more than a cupful of illogic.  Dorff (BLADE) as New York (Luxembourg locations unconvincingly substitute for the Big Apple) detective Mike Reilly and Natascha McElhone (THE TRUMAN SHOW) as health inspector Terry Houston (carrying on the time-honored tradition of genre heroines with "masculine" names) investigate the deaths of a German couple who were discovered bleeding from their eyes.  At the same time, a computer expert played by genre vet Kier (FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN) is killed in a subway after experiencing the same physical symptoms.  Once Ebola is ruled out as the cause of death, clues lead towards a Web site all the victims (and there are more, including, in a wild coincidence, McElhone's boss) accessed exactly 48 hours before they died.  Meanwhile, a serial killer called The Doctor (Rea of THE CRYING GAME) remains on the loose, taunting Reilly with evil letters and continuing his string of abducting and torturing beautiful young women before scooping out their insides and killing them.  I wonder if there's a connection...

To give Malone credit, he has tried to make a serious horror film that frightens.  There's no self-conscious comic relief or attempt to mock the genre.  He pushes the R rating to its limits, packing the film with tons of gore and grisly images.  He even managed to squeeze a surprisingly unhappy ending past the focus group-obsessed studio heads.  Malone has made the ugly movie that he wanted to make; unfortunately, not skillfully so.

I hope the poor actors enjoyed their free trip to Luxembourg, because they couldn't have garnered much enjoyment from their job.  I hesitate to call the roles they played "characters", because, as written by Josephine Coyle from a story by producer Moshe Diamant (whose working relationship with Malone goes all the way back to 1985's trashy Klaus Kinski-starrer CREATURE), there is little attempt at characterization, beyond giving them names.  In order to propel the plot, the screenplay forces them--and this is a Malone tradition--to do incredibly stupid things, such as check out the Web site themselves, even after learning that to do so means instant, excruciating death in two days.  There's no discussion of contacting the Web provider to find out who owns the site or shut it down (that the site is so dull and poorly designed that nobody would want to look at it anyway is the least of this movie's problems).  Dorff and McElhone, who are decent actors, have absolutely nothing to bite into; all they get to do is follow the mundane and increasingly nonsensical plot from point to point.  They still come off better than Rea, whose blabby speechmaking gives non sequitur a new name, and supporting cast members Kier, Jeffrey Combs (RE-ANIMATOR) and Michael Sarrazin (who hasn't been this animated since THE GUMBALL RALLY), who are completely wasted in short, unfulfilling cameos.

"Waste" is a good word to use in describing FEARDOTCOM, a campy title that almost dares an audience to take it seriously.  Listing nearly a dozen producers, including former actors Mark Damon (HOUSE OF USHER) and Andrew Stevens (THE TERROR WITHIN), it shows signs of being some sort of tax shelter production, such as the British, Canadian, German and Luxembourgian financing.  Considering its complex genesis, perhaps it isn't surprising the movie is a mess, but it at least could have been an entertaining one.

FEARLESS FIGHTERS (1971)—Directed by Man-Hung Mo.  Stars Ming Hsiung Wu, Yee Yuan, Wu Ming Hsia, Ching Ching Chang, Ma Gee, Hung Lieh Chen.  Non-stop fighting and silly comic-book heroics highlight this crazy Hong Kong chopsocky.  Evil To Pa (Ming) steals some gold and frames his goody-two-shoes brother Lei Ping (Yee) for the crime, murdering Lei’s family in the process.  Obviously, since this is a Chinese martial arts movie, it’s time for vengeance.  Lei teams up with the son and the daughter of the whip-wielding warrior from whom To swiped the gold, and let the chopsocky begin.  With tighter pacing, FEARLESS FIGHTERS would probably be a genre classic.  It’s certainly colorful and boasts imaginative fantasy elements, like flying women and a fighter that shoots spiked metal fists out of his wrists.  Actor James Hong supervised the English dubbing, so there’s some fun in listening for his voice pop out of various mouths.

FEARLESS FRANK (1965)--Directed by Philip Kaufman. Stars Jon Voight, Monique von Vooren, Severn Darden. Voight's film debut. He plays Frank, a country bumpkin shot to death by gangsters while making his first visit to The Big City. He's found in the gutter by The Good Doctor (Darden) and his assistant, who cart Frank off to their penthouse laboratory and bring him back to life. They also endow Frank with superpowers, which he uses to fight the gangsters who killed him and rescue a beautiful woman (von Vooren). He also fights False Frank (Voight), the gangster's superman who turns out to be less evil than the original Frank. Kaufman shot one of his first features in and around his hometown of Chicago, but unfortunately, as they say, "Satire is what closes on Saturday night", and much of FEARLESS FRANK falls flat. Played as a parody of comic book superheroes (and filmed before the BATMAN TV series first aired), Kaufman isn't able to inject much style to the proceedings, and the post-synched sound, limited sets and lack of special effects make FEARLESS FRANK look like a home movie. The cast (many of them plucked from Second City) has plenty of energy--Voight is especially good--and the screenplay by Kaufman (who also served as producer) has enough wit to make this movie worthwhile as a curiosity more than anything else. It's pretty rare, and sat on the shelf for sometime before release; VARIETY reviewed it in 1967. Also with Joan Darling, Lou Gilbert, Ben Carruthers, Ken Nordine, Nelson Algren, David Fisher, Anthony Holland and David Steinberg. Kaufman became one of Hollywood's most interesting filmmakers, directing INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, HENRY & JUNE and THE RIGHT STUFF, writing scripts for THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES (which he was set to direct until star Clint Eastwood took over) and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, and being nominated for a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING. Also known as FRANK'S GREATEST ADVENTURE.

FELONY (1996)--Directed by David A. Prior.  Stars Jeffrey Combs, Lance Henriksen, Leo Rossi, David Warner, Charles Napier, Joe Don Baker.  What am I doing watching another David Prior movie?  I haven't seen a good one yet, but it's hard to ignore anything with a cast like this.  Videographer Combs, accompanying a drug bust for a COPS-like TV series, is the only witness when the cops are ambushed and slaughtered in a hail of machine-gun fire by thugs led by gum-chomping Warner.  Framed for the murder of his partner, which leaves him as the only one who knows the hiding place of a videotape that would implicate Warner, Combs finds himself being pursued by a whole army of individuals who want that tape, including Warner's employer, renegade CIA agent Henriksen; good ol' boy government agent Baker; and detectives Napier and Rossi.  Prior delivers a few impressive (if illogically presented) stunts, and the cast is good (Henriksen and Baker are excellent), but FELONY is a flat time-waster at best, which doesn't use its Alabama locations particularly well and fizzles out in a limp climax.  Combs is a serviceable romantic lead, but he's better off in character parts where he can be quirky.  Also with Ashley Laurence (HELLRAISER), Red West, Pat Gallagher and Cory Everson.

FER DE LANCE (1974)—Directed by Russ Mayberry.  Stars David Janssen, Hope Lange, Ivan Dixon, Frank Bonner.  A nincompoop sailor (Bonner, later on WKRP IN CINCINNATI) buys a bunch of snakes at a South America flea market and brings them back to his submarine.  The snakes chomp on the crew, which causes an accident that wedges the sub in some rocks more than 1000 feet beneath the surface.  With the senior crew either dead or incapacitated, frogman Janssen and doctor Lange assume the responsibility of saving the ship and its passengers.  This is really a “stranded underwater” thriller disguised as a killer-snake flick; the snakes exist mostly as a plot device and cease to be a factor in the action during the second half.  Under Mayberry’s inert direction, FER DE LANCE is dull and could frankly have used more snakes.  The big setpiece involves divers going outside the sub, more divers going outside to save the divers, and even more divers going outside the save the divers who went outside to save the first divers.  Janssen is always watchable, but this film is not worthy of him.  Writer Leslie Stevens and composer Dominic Frontiere, who collaborated on THE OUTER LIMITS ten years earlier, produced this “snakes on a sub” thriller for TV.  I’m surprised MGM didn’t release this on DVD to capitalize on the SNAKES ON A PLANE buzz, maybe as a double feature with SSSSS.  Also with “guest star” Jason Evers, Ben Piazza, Charles Knox Robinson, Richard LePore, Sherry Boucher, Georges Pan Andreas (later the director and star of the hilarious THE CRIME KILLER), Robert Ito, Shizuko Hoshi, and William Mims.

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986)--Directed by John Hughes. Stars Matthew Broderick, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, Alan Ruck, Jennifer Grey. Unpleasant comedy about an obnoxious Chicago teenager (Broderick) who plays hooky from high school and takes his beautiful girlfriend (Sara) and neurotic best friend (Ruck) out for a day in the city. Ferris is supposed to be the coolest kid in school, but he comes off as more of an arrogant jerk who uses his friends and exploits his parents. Jones is mostly a comic-book figure as the principal obsessed with discovering Broderick's secrets. Look for Charlie Sheen in an early role as a juvenile delinquent attracted to Ferris's bratty sister (Grey).

FEVER PITCH (1985)--Directed by Richard Brooks. Stars Ryan O'Neal, Catherine Hicks, Chad Everett, Rafael Campos, Brigitte Andersen. O'Neal is just not a strong enough actor to carry this intense drama about an L.A. sportswriter who becomes addicted to gambling. Despite the pleas of his girlfriend (Hicks) and daughter (Andersen), O'Neal is unable to break the fever. Everett has a rare important role as a ruthless loan shark. From the director of ELMER GANTRY. I believe this was Brooks's last film.

ffolkes (1980)--Directed by Andrew V. McLaglan. Stars Roger Moore, Anthony Perkins, James Mason, Michael Parks, David Hedison. Moore has a more offbeat role in this fun adventure. He plays ffolkes, a woman-hating, cat-loving mercenary who is called in to help when Perkins hijacks a pair of North Sea oilrigs. Good cast.

THE FICTION-MAKERS (1968)—Directed by Roy Ward Baker.  Stars Roger Moore, Sylvia Syms, Kenneth J. Warren.  “The Fiction-Makers,” a two-part color episode of THE SAINT, was cut together and released theatrically and to television syndication as a feature.  It’s a crackling caper yarn that spoofs the James Bond series; the irony, of course, is that star Moore would go on to play Bond in LIVE AND LET DIE five years later.  Simon Templar (Moore) is mistaken for Amos Klein, a reclusive author of popular spy novels, and is kidnapped by Warlock (Warren), a madman who has re-created Klein’s imaginary universe down to the smallest detail.  Warlock plans to rob an impenetrable vault, and forces “Klein” to write his way through a successful theft without being caught.  Luckily, the real Amos Klein—a woman (Syms) posing as “Klein”’s secretary—was with Simon when he was snatched and can help the Saint pull off his masquerade.  THE FICTION-MAKERS is a bit of a change of pace for the series, awash as it is with electronic gadgetry, including infra-red beams that set off explosive mines when broken and a massive death ray pointed at a trussed-up victim.  Edwin Astley’s score helps carry the suspense, and Moore is in tip-top leading-man shape.  Also with Justine Lord, Tom Clegg, Philip Locke, Roy Hanlon and Nicholas Smith.

FIDO (2006)—Directed by Andrew Currie.  Stars Billy Connolly, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dylan Baker, Henry Czerny, K’Sun Ray.  Even if you’re sick of zombie movies, you may enjoy this gentle comedy that parodies American family values.  Stereotypical Eisenhower-era mores, styles and cultures flourish in the current society, which follows the bloody “zombie wars” in which survivors were often forced to destroy their own family members.  Cities are surrounded by fences that keep zombies out, except for a few undead which have been trained (through an obedience collar that emits an electrical charge) to become household servants.  Housewife Helen (Moss), the only one in her suburb without one, keeps up with the Joneses by adding zombie Fido (Connolly) as her cook, valet, maid, etc.  Lonely son Timmy (Ray) loves having a friend around, even if Fido sucks at throwing a baseball, while repressed father Bill (Baker) despises him.  The cast, particularly Baker and a silent Connolly, are quite good in this Canadian comedy that wisely doesn’t overload us with gore.  Currie has fun playing with accepted zombie lore, and the sight of performers like Moss in her June Cleaver pearls wiping out the undead isn’t easily forgotten.

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)--Directed by Phil Alden Robinson. Stars Kevin Costner, Amy Madigan, James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta, Timothy Busfield, Burt Lancaster. Beautiful sentimental drama about a struggling Iowa farmer (Costner) who is moved by the ghost of legendary major leaguer Shoeless Joe Jackson (Liotta) to mow down his cornfield and build a baseball field on its site. His obsession also leads him to locate a reclusive writer (Jones) and an old-time ballplayer (Lancaster). A great American fairy tale. Oscar-nominated script by Robinson from W.P. Kinsella's novella is a moving and emotional tribute to childhood and dreams. Also nominated for Best Picture and Score (James Horner). From the director of SNEAKERS.

FIEND OF DOPE ISLAND (1961)--Directed by Nate Watt.  Stars Bruce Bennett, Robert Bray, Tania Velia.  Bennett's crazed performance as a tropical island despot really keeps FIEND's 76-minute running time a-poppin'.  As antisocial drug runner Charlie Davis, Bennett runs his island paradise with an iron fist, never hesitating even the least bit with a cruel taunt or a cracked whip.  His mail order escort, the shapely Glory (Velia), finds Charlie's brutality not terribly attractive, and turns to nice guy boat captain David (Bray), the island's only other white man, for support.  Watt's pacing is brisk, and the sweaty cinematography adds to the story's desperate atmosphere.  Velia, a former Olympic swimmer from Yugoslavia, certainly fills out a dress well.  FIEND was Watt's final film; his career as a master of B-westerns dates back to the silent era. 

FIEND WITHOUT A FACE (1957)--Directed by Arthur Crabtree. Stars Marshall Thompson, Kim Parker, Kynaston Reeves. You won't believe the gooey climax of this British-made monster mash (set in Canada) in which the title creatures--disembodied brains with antennae that suck the brains and spinal cords out of their victims--are dispatched by bullet-wielding soldiers in bloody splendor. A professor (Reeves) experimenting with telekinetic powers succeeds in creating a living replica of his own brain, but, drawing energy from a nearby nuclear power plant, the brain monster has plans of its own, and begins to multiply and kill off the areas residents. Oh, yeah, they're also invisible. An American Army major (Thompson) leads the pursuit of the grisly fiends. Herbert J. Leder's script is pretty slow going for the most part, but picks up during the climax, which is gorier than you might expect and contains some excellent stop-motion animation. Also with Terry Kilburn, Michael Balfour, Gil Winfield and Peter Madden. Music by Buxton Orr.

15 MINUTES (2001)—Directed by John Herzfeld.  Stars Robert DeNiro, Edward Burns, Kelsey Grammer.  Clumsy satire and an absolutely terrible final reel sink this urban thriller that merits some props for a couple of decent action setpieces, particularly Burns' escape from a burning building.  Hey, did you know television journalism occasionally acts irresponsibly in its zeal for higher ratings?  That’s basically the message of this film, which finds a hot-shot New York police detective (DeNiro) reluctantly teamed with an arson inspector (Burns) to track a pair of Eastern European spree killers who videotape their murders and send them to tabloid TV host Grammer to get their 15 minutes of fame.  Technically impressive, but dramatically inert.  DeNiro, as he is wont to do in junk like this, walks through his role, which is what Burns usually appears to be doing.  It’s difficult to believe anybody actually wrote the end of this movie, in which you’ll be able to guess everything that happens by thinking back to other terrible movies you’ve seen.  Also with Melina Kanakaredes, Avery Brooks, James Handy, Kim Cattrall, Karel Roden, Oleg Taktarov, John DiResta, David Alan Grier, Rosanne Barr and Charlize Theron.

THE FIFTH FLOOR (1979)--Directed by Hikmet Avedis.  Stars Dianne Hull, Bo Hopkins.  Pretty Hull, who never really did too much after tackling the female lead in this sleazy thriller, plays Kelly, a disco-dancing waitress who collapses after someone slips a mickey into her drink.  Believing she tried to commit suicide, the authorities commit her to the psychiatric ward on the fifth floor of the local hospital.  There she makes friends with a wide variety of wackos and tries to fend off the malevolent advances of perverted orderly Carl (Hopkins).  It's pretty difficult to believe an entire medical staff could be convinced of Hull's seemingly normal mental state, but you gotta love this down-and-out cast:  Patti D'Arbanville, John David Carson, Robert Englund, Julia Adams, Sharon Farrell, Anthony James, Earl Boen and Mel Ferrer.  Veteran TV scribe Meyer Dolinsky (STAR TREK) penned one of his few feature scripts, and a young Alan Silvestri (FORREST GUMP) provided the awful disco score.  Released by Edward L. Montoro's Film Ventures International.

THE FIFTH MUSKETEER (1979)--Directed by Ken Annakin. Stars Beau Bridges, Cornel Wilde, Lloyd Bridges, Jose Ferrer, Alan Hale, Jr. Good-looking adventure about Bridges and the Four Musketeers, and their quest to remove the evil King Louis XIV (Bridges again) from his regime. Doesn't move as quickly as it should, but look at the cast: Sylvia Kristel, Ursula Andress, Rex Harrison, Olivia de Havilland, Ian McShane and Helmut Dantine. Filmed in Austria.

FIFTY/FIFTY (1993)--Directed by Charles Martin Smith.  Stars Peter Weller, Robert Hays, Charles Martin Smith.  Ingratiating performances by Weller and Hays as buddy mercenaries enliven his decent low-budget actioner filmed in Malaysia.  The CIA, in the form of bearded Martin, recruit the stars to train an unsophisticated village of Latin American rebels and help them overthrow a cruel dictator.  Dennis Shryack and Michael Butler’s (THE CAR) screenplay has trouble finding the right tone, bouncing back and forth too quickly and without solid foundation between humorous banter a la BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID and the serious overtones of its political subject.  Martin directs the action pretty well, and if you’re looking for late-night viewing that won’t hurt your brain too much, I guess this would do the trick.  Not a ringing endorsement, I know, but FIFTY/FIFTY isn’t very special and is similar to many other independent action pictures that barely slipped into theaters (like EXCESSIVE FORCE and KEATON’S COP) just as the exploitation genre was drying up.  One interesting twist is that the CIA agent played by director Smith is not a weasel and a doublecrosser like similar characters in better movies generally are.

50 FIRST DATES (2004)--Directed by Peter Segal.  Stars Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Rob Schneider, Blake Clark, Sean Astin, Dan Aykroyd.  I have an easier time comprehending the theory of cold fusion than I do the success of Adam Sandler.  Going all the way back to his Stud Boy days on MTV's REMOTE CONTROL, his grotesque attempts at off-the-wall humor have consistently left me shaking my head in annoyance and disbelief.  However, his status as one of Hollywood's biggest movie stars--and a $20 million per picture salary to match--convinces me that maybe I'm the problem and not Sandler.  He is funny, and I just don't get it.  Of course, then I would also have to admit to the genius of the ever-present Carrot Top, and I'm not ready yet to take that step.

50 FIRST DATES, a supposed romantic comedy tailored for the Valentine's Day crowd, suffers from one of the most repulsive concepts for a date movie that I can imagine.  Sandler is Henry Roth, a veterinarian at a Hawaii theme park who drops into a local café for breakfast one morning and is smitten with a pretty blonde he spots building a house out of waffles.  She's Lucy (Drew Barrymore), a friendly free spirit who falls for Henry's fishy-smelling fingers.  They connect, but when Henry returns for another date the next morning, he's stunned to learn that Lucy has no idea who he is.  A car wreck the previous fall left Lucy with short-term memory damage, so she relives the same day over and over again.  Her sick enablers--um, rather--her loving family, gruff dad Marlin (Blake Clark) and 'roided lunkhead brother Doug (Sean Astin), help maintain the illusion by having extra copies of the daily newspaper printed for her and rewatching every night THE SIXTH SENSE, whose twist ending always surprises her.

The idea of tricking a mentally disturbed young woman into falling in love with you every day seems a distasteful one, and even more so when she's played by the vulnerable Barrymore, whose stinted comic timing is counter-balanced by her cuddly optimism and cheer.  Also good in impossible roles are Clark, a former standup comic who lends a surprising warmth to his brusque personality, Astin, whose lisp and fondness for mesh shirts provide silly fun, and Dan Aykroyd as Drew's patient physician.  Rob Schneider, whose contract with Satan remains pending, is his usual repulsive self as Henry's Hawaiian pal Ula; that there seems to be no reason an intelligent veterinarian's only friend would be a shark-chasing moron is just one of the screenplay's many inconsistencies.  Sandler is Sandler, more or less, although writer George Wing's decision to make Henry a promiscuous playboy with a long line of beautiful conquests seems a concession to the star's ego; scenes of women literally begging Sandler to sleep with them told me much more about the actor than the character he was playing.  Just like this artless remake of GROUNDHOG DAY tells me all I need to know about the filmmaking ambitions of Sandler, Wing and director Peter Segal.  Also with Amy Hill, Maya Rudolph, Pomaika'i Brown, Lusia Strus, Kevin James and time-wasting cameos by Sandler's friends.  Filmed in Hawaii and in Culver City.  Music by Teddy Castellucci.  Film is touchingly dedicated to Sandler's late father.

THE 50 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE (2004)—Directed by Brandon Christopher. Stars Carlos Larkin. Okay, these are in no way the fifty worst movies ever made, but any unseasoned viewer looking for a gateway into cult movies will get some good tips. It’s basically the ‘00s version of IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD. It looks as though the filmmakers may have only had access to trailers for non-public-domain films, which limits the clips they could use. Some films whip by so quickly that the documentary forgets to explain why they’re one of the worst ever, such as THE FAT SPY, which seems to get ripped just because Jayne Mansfield and Phyllis Diller are in it. Strangely, TROLL is here, but not the notorious “Best Worst Film” TROLL 2. The perennial crapfests are here—ROBOT MONSTER, GLEN OR GLENDA, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS—but the inclusion of crowd-pleasers such as BLACK BELT JONES and THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS is perplexing. J.D.’S REVENGE is here, but not, say, BLACKENSTEIN. In fact, three Jack Hill movies are here, but none by Larry Buchanan, Andy Milligan, Bill Rebane, or Ted V. Mikels. Apparently, no terrible films were made after 1987. The arch narration by Larkin is overly smarmy but sometimes fun. I wouldn’t bet on some of his facts though. For one thing, he implies that THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK (which is awful) was a box office bomb, which is not at all true. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE is number four. Can you guess what’s number one?

52 PICK-UP (1986)--Directed by John Frankenheimer. Stars Roy Scheider, Ann-Margret, John Glover, Vanity. Sleazy thriller by master craftsman Frankenheimer benefits from a wonderfully slimy performance by Glover. Glover and his gang blackmail wealthy businessman Scheider with photographs of an affair he was having. When Scheider refuses to pay, Glover kills Scheider's mistress and frames Scheider for the murder; then he kidnaps Scheider's wife (Ann-Margret) and shoots her up with heroin. None of this sits well with Scheider, who concocts an elaborate plan for revenge. Also with Clarence Williams III, Kelly Preston, Robert Trebor, Lonny Chapman and Doug McClure. Based on a novel by Elmore Leonard.

FIGHT CLUB (1999)--Directed by David Fincher. Stars Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, Helena Bonham Carter, Meat Loaf. Fincher's latest nihilist fantasy received plenty of pre-release buzz about its supposedly realistic portrayal of violence, yet in this movie (like in all movies, but never in real life), characters bash each other in the face and body over and over again without ever breaking their hand or suffering much permanent damage. They are often bruised and bloodied, yet seem to walk away with hardly any harmful physical effects. They are changed psychologically however, but FIGHT CLUB never rises above the level of a cartoon, and, despite a pair of charismatic lead performances, must go down as a disappointment.

The story is told through the eyes of Jack (Norton), a depressed, cynical auto-manufacturer employee who is so emotionally detached that he can no longer sleep, cry or connect with another person. He becomes addicted to support groups, because only surrounded by people worse off than himself can he let loose with his own emotions. At one meeting for survivors of testicular cancer, he meets Bob (rocker Meat Loaf), whose hormone treatments have caused him to grow female-sized breasts. He also notices Marla (Bonham Carter), a chain-smoking Goth-looking woman who's also a faker like Jack. One night while returning from a business trip, Jack meets Tyler Durden (Pitt), a charismatic frat-boy type who sells soap made from human fat for a living. After an explosion destroys Jack's apartment, he moves into Tyler's dilapidated house, where the two men create an unusual form of male therapy. In an effort to get back to their bestial roots, they form the Fight Club, where two men bash each other with their fists over and over again in an effort to release the rage they receive from a society in which they are beaten down and emasculated. At this point, Fincher and screenwriter Jim Uhls (who adapted a popular novel by Chuck Palahnuik) create more of a plot than they really needed, with the evolution of Project Mayhem, in which Pitt trains an army of militarized zombies to prank The Man, blowing up computer stores and destroying the logos of corporations. Norton, who has come to believe that Tyler has gone too far, learns a powerful truth about his relationship with Tyler, while simultaneously trying to prevent a potential tragedy.

Fincher, whose previous films were steadily improving works of style over substance, disappoints this time around. He seems to know the material is weak, so he tosses in every directorial gimmick he can think of, including freeze-frames, CGI shots from inside a person's brain, subliminal flashes and traditional animation, to distract us from what should be our main focus: the story. The twist ending, which will remind many of THE SIXTH SENSE, isn't as brilliantly set up as in the previous film, and feels more like it belongs in a NIGHT GALLERY episode. In fact, this whole movie would probably work much better as a half-hour NIGHT GALLERY segment. Pitt basically reprises his hyper 12 MONKEYS performance, which is actually the right way to go; he's still too mannered and actory for my taste, but he's certainly energetic, which is what the script calls for. Norton is even better as a man who begins the movie almost less than human, but learns to grow up very quickly. Bonham Carter is certainly colorful, but I really didn't get into her character much at all. Music by The Dust Brothers works its groove well, but is often mixed so high that it drowns out dialogue, while Jeff Cronenweth's cinematography (his first time after years as a camera operator) is appropriately shadowy. Also with Jared Leto and Zach Grenier.

FIGHTING BACK (1982)--Directed by Lewis Teague. Stars Tom Skerritt, Patti LuPone, Michael Sarrazin, Yaphet Kotto. Urban vigilante drama that transcends its exploitation roots, thanks to a strong performance by Skerritt as a South Philly deli owner who becomes sick and tired of his neighborhood's climbing crime rate. After his wife suffers a miscarriage during a run-in with a pimp and robbers attack his elderly mother, Skerritt organizes a neighborhood watch program. A straight action film would stop right there, but Teague and his screenwriters David Z. Goodman and Thomas Hedley, Jr. expose the manner in which the police, local politicians, the news media and even black activists are affected by Skerritt's actions--so much so that Skerritt finds himself fighting them as much as the bad guys in the street. It doesn't always move as quickly as you would like, but thanks to Skerritt and LuPone as his sometimes-frustrated wife, FIGHTING BACK is generally absorbing. Also with David Rasche, Donna DeVerona, Pat Cooper, Frank Sivero, Peter Brocco and Ted Ross. Music by Piero Piccioni. From the director of ALLIGATOR.

THE FIGHTING FIST OF SHANGHAI JOE (1972)—Directed by Mario Caiano. Stars Chen Lee, Gordon Mitchell, Klaus Kinski, Piero Lulli, Robert Hundar, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart. Bruno Nicolai’s great score adds weight to this very cheap but fun Italian western. Of course, Nicolai wrote the score for an earlier Sartana movie, but it’s still nice to listen to. Lee (a Japanese actor under an assumed name) made only a handful of films, but is likable as Chinese immigrant Joe, who arrives in Texas with dreams of becoming a cowboy. Strong enough and skilled enough in martial arts to make fools of the American racists who mess with him, Joe manages to earn a job with rancher Spencer (Lulli). After Joe realizes Spencer is torturing and murdering illegal Mexican slaves, he fights back against his wealthy boss and Spencer’s hired gang of colorful mercenaries, including cannibal Hundar, gambler Rossi-Stuart, victim-scalper Kinski, and derby-wearing Mitchell. Surprisingly gory in spots and quite sloppy, FIGHTING FIST was popular enough around the world to spawn a 1975 sequel (sans Lee), even though it didn’t receive an American release until 1976. Which means it actually followed the better known THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER—a spaghetti western teaming Lo Lieh and Lee Van Cleef that anticipated SHANGHAI NOON—into America.

FIGHTING FOOLS (1949)—Directed by Reginald LeBorg. Stars Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Frankie Darro, Lyle Talbot, Bill Cartledge, Robert Wolcott, Dorothy Vaughan. The Bowery Boys get jobs as vendors in the arena where their buddy Jimmy Higgins (Wolcott) is boxing. Jimmy dies in his fight with Joey Prince (Cartledge). To raise dough for Jimmy’s destitute mother (Vaughan), Slip (Gorcey) organizes a comeback for Jimmy’s ex-fighter brother Johnny (Darro) and runs afoul of crooked gambler Blinky Harris (Talbot). Less slapstick and more B-grade melodrama than usual in this Monogram offering that asks the boys to perform with more weight. With Gabriel Dell, William Benedict, Bernard Gorcey, David Gorcey, Benny Barlett, and Ben Welden.

FIGHTING MAD (1976)--Directed by Jonathan Demme. Stars Peter Fonda, Lynn Lowry, Philip Carey, John Doucette. When greedy land developers out for his family's horse farm murder Fonda's brother and sister-in-law, the pacifist hero of EASY RIDER becomes the film's title. Released at the end of the '70's vigilante cycle inspired by the success of DEATH WISH, it transcends the genre by focusing more on characterization than action, although being a Roger Corman production, FIGHTING MAD has more than its share of violence and nudity. Look for Scott Glenn in an early role as Fonda's ill-fated kin. Edited by Monte Hellman. Filmed on location in Arkansas.

FINAL ANALYSIS (1992)--Directed by Phil Joanou. Stars Richard Gere, Kim Basinger, Uma Thurman, Eric Roberts. San Francisco-lensed thriller reminiscent of VERTIGO. Gere is a rich shrink who becomes sexually involved with a pair of unstable sisters, one of whom (Basinger) is married to a psychotic gangster (Roberts, of course). It all climaxes on top of a lighthouse.

FINAL CHAPTER WALKING TALL--See WALKING TALL--FINAL CHAPTER. 

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (1980)--Directed by Don Taylor. Stars Kirk Douglas, Martin Sheen, James Farentino, Katharine Ross. Silly science fiction that plays more like a big-budget TWILIGHT ZONE episode. Commander Douglas's nuclear aircraft carrier passes through a time warp, and emerges near Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The crew must decide whether to intervene and possibly change history,or to let time run its natural course. Interesting premise is not interestingly handled. Also with Ron O'Neal and Charles Durning. Shot on board the U.S.S. Nimitz. From the director of ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES.

THE FINAL CUT (1995)--Directed by Roger Christian.  Stars Sam Elliott, Anne Ramsay, Charles Martin Smith.  Elliott is an interestingly low-key leading man in this effective mad-bomber thriller.  Seattle is rocked by a series of intricate bombs that are blasting office buildings to smithereens.  After several Bomb Squad policemen are killed, officious boss Mamet (Smith) reluctantly recruits his burned-out predecessor, the retired John Pierce (Elliott), who has written a non-fiction book on the subject of bombs.  Christian creates many suspenseful scenes, which are given weight by the experienced cast and occasionally tricky screenplay.  Also with Matt Craven, Amanda Plummer, John Hannah, Lisa Langlois and Ray Baker.  Filmed in Vancouver. 

FINAL DESTINATION (2000)--Directed by James Wong. Stars Devon Sawa, Ali Larter, Kristen Cloke. James Wong, who co-wrote and directed FINAL DESTINATION, and Glen Morgan, who served as co-writer and producer, were responsible for many classic episodes of THE X-FILES, including the notorious "Home", about inbred serial killers who kept their armless and legless mommy strapped to a board under the bed, and the Emmy-nominated "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man". So it was with high hopes that I watched their feature debut, which explores themes of fate, mortality, and our roles in the grand scheme of life, and, until an ineptly edited climax and a Paris-set coda that was the product of a last-minute reshoot, I wasn't disappointed.

The first 15 minutes are the film's best, as Wong atmospherically sets up the characters, mood, and premise: high-school student Alex Browning (Devon Sawa), upon boarding an airplane along with his classmates for a senior trip to Paris, has a violent premonition of the plane shaking apart and exploding. Freaking out like no one has since William Shatner saw that gremlin on the wing, Alex--along with five other students and teacher Val Lewton (Kristen Cloke, Morgan's real-life wife)--is removed from the aircraft, which then really does explode just after takeoff, killing everyone aboard. Alex is viewed with suspicion by the survivors and a pair of FBI investigators, who believe he may have had something to do with the plane's destruction. He hasn't, but as the survivors begin dying off one by one in freak accidents, Alex realizes that since he and the others had, in a sense, cheated Death, Death is making a special effort to claim those lives that are rightfully his. Teaming up with a cute though improbably named classmate--Clear Rivers (Ali Larter)--with an inexhaustible supply of belly-baring blouses, Alex sets out to derail Death's design on their lives.

The killings themselves are the movie's cleverest gimmick: a series of Rube Goldberg-like contrivances involving everyday household items or forces of nature that, sure, probably would never occur in a million years--but they could. These scenes are original, well constructed, and--most importantly--unexpected, and deliver the goods in the jolt department. The gore effects, including a beheading and strangulation, are fine, although they almost certainly had more impact before MPAA-mandated re-cutting. Wong, who proves adept at generating suspense, also uses songs by real-life plane crash victim John Denver to signify an impending victim, and the juxtaposition of Denver's airy hits with brutal death has a strong black sense of irony. Sadly, neither Wong nor New Line seems to have had confidence in their climax, cutting the film so quickly it's difficult to get a sense of what's happening and adding one last bump that, frankly, feels a bit contrived.

Still, FINAL DESTINATION is a pleasing substitute for the usual tongue-in-cheek horror spoof starring the latest television flavors-of-the-month, and although the picture does contain humor, it isn't at the expense of its subject. The cast, which also includes a ripe Tony Todd (CANDYMAN) as a spooky mortician, is likably adequate, and the Wong-Morgan team, whose genre credits also include TV's MILLENNIUM and THE OTHERS, has demonstrated an ability to create the same sorts of scares on the big screen as they have on television.

Also with Kerr Smith (DAWSON'S CREEK), Daniel Roebuck (NASH BRIDGES), Chad E. Donella (DISTURBING BEHAVIOR), Roger Guenveur Smith, Seann William Scott (AMERICAN PIE), Amanda Detmer, and Robert Wisden. Music by Shirley Walker. Many characters are named after well-known horror filmmakers such as Hitchcock, Lewton, Tod Browning, George Waggner, Lon Chaney and Max Schreck. The supporting cast includes a number of former X-FILES guest stars, and the second-unit director was frequent X-FILES helmer Thomas J. Wright. To be honest, with a quick rewrite, this could easily have been an X-FILES episode.

FINAL DESTINATION 2 (2003)--Directed by David R. Ellis.  Stars A.J. Cook, Ali Larter, Michael Landes.  This gory sequel follows quite closely in the footsteps of the original FINAL DESTINATION.  One year after the events in the first movie, in which the Grim Reaper came to collect the lives of a group of plane-crash survivors who had cheated death and fouled up the scythe swinger's master plan, teen Kimberly (Cook) has a premonition that saves her and several strangers from a spectacular multi-car smashup.  Since they were all supposed to die on that highway, Death comes calling to take them out of the picture permanently in a series of bizarre accidents.  That is, unless Kimberly and hunky state trooper Burke (Landes), with the aid of FINAL DESTINATION holdover Clear Rivers (Larter), can find a loophole in Death's formula.  Not as clever as the original film and greatly lacking in logic during its second half, FD2 does boast several impressive setpieces, including a death by plate glass (not the way you're thinking), death by air bag and a remarkable car crash that reportedly took four weeks to film and utilized very little CGI enhancement.  Former stuntman Ellis is to thank for much of the mayhem, although it doesn't seem as though he had much control over the clichéd characters.  New Line must have some incriminating photos of MPAA members, because both this and FREDDY VS. JASON are surprisingly gory considering their R ratings.  Also with Tony Todd (back as the spooky mortician), Jonathan Cherry, Lynda Boyd, Keegan Connor Tracy, James Kirk, T.C. Carson, Sarah Carter and Justina Machado.  Music by Shirley Walker.

FINAL DESTINATION 3 (2006)—Directed by James Wong.  Stars Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ryan Merriman, Alexz Johnson, Gina Holden, Kris Lemche.  Director Wong and his co-producer/co-writer Glen Morgan (MILLENNIUM), who made the first FINAL DESTINATION, return for the second sequel, which is more like a remake.  As in the first movie, which this one directly references, a teenager, Wendy (Winstead, later in GRINDHOUSE and LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD), freaks out upon boarding a rollercoaster and has a premonition of a horrible accident that kills all the riders.  No one heeds her warnings to stop the ride, and after she and a handful of others are kicked off the coaster by park officials, it indeed crashes, killing her boyfriend and many of their schoolmates.  As you know, if you’ve seen one of these movies, Death will not be cheated, and it concocts a series of cleverly designed Goldbergian booby traps in order to take those victims who got off the rollercoaster in time, including Wendy and her late best friend’s boyfriend (Merriman).

It’s nicely put together by Wong and Morgan, who are capable of better work, but FINAL DESTINATION suffers from Same-Ol’-Same-‘Ol Syndrome.  This film exists to make money cashing in on a successful franchise, but outside of the winning Winstead, the unknown cast is too lifeless to add any zing to the tired premise.  Some R-rated gore and nudity are welcome, but when you think about it, this is nothing more than a retread slasher flick that isn’t worth any more attention than the genre was getting 25 years ago.

THE FINAL ENCOUNTER (2000)--Directed by David and Tim Douglas.  Stars Dean Cain, Thomas Ian Griffith, Justin Whalin, Jodi Bianca Wise.  Lensed as FOR THE CAUSE, this interesting SF/war movie looks to have sat on Dimension's shelf for a couple of years before its home video release.  Filmed on convincingly bleak Bulgarian locations by a pair of computer graphics experts, THE FINAL ENCOUNTER offers some surprisingly offbeat ideas and beautiful low-budget visual effects.  No question--the screenplay by David Douglas and Christopher Salazar comes up painfully short in the development of said ideas.  But I admired the effort and creative thinking that went into them, which vault this picture a few notches higher than Nu Image's standard Sofia-shot fare.

The warring colonies of Brecca and Obsidian have been at war for 99 years--so long that most of Brecca's soldiers are dead and children are being trained for combat.  General Murren (Cain) has discovered an ancient machine called "Warhammer", which he claims will end the fighting if he can only transport it to the sewers running beneath Obsidian.  He assembles a squad of five soldiers--including veteran Evans (Griffith), loyal young infantryman Sutherland (Whalin) and Abel (Wise), a "witch" that uses computer technology to heal bone breaks and manufacture powerful weapons out of thin air--to accompany him on foot across the desolate countryside on a six-month mission to infiltrate Obsidian.

The Douglas' gross ambition both helps and hampers their film.  Technically, FINAL looks much better than it has any right to, partially because of Bulgaria's ruins and naturally oppressive atmosphere, but also because of the marvelous digital matte paintings that add much spectacle to the production.  Tim Douglas supervised the special effects, which also include some nifty creature designs and better-than-average spaceships.  Even the cheap sets, such as a "wall of glass" that unfortunately looks too much like the Obsidian sewers, are colorful and unusual-looking.

Unfortunately, the screenplay asks more questions than it answers.  We don't see enough of Breccan society to fully understand how the war has affected them.  No explanation for the witches' powers are ever given, and I have no idea how a witch fighting a digital creature can directly impact the results of a gun battle taking place 150 miles away.  Also, military experts would likely smack their foreheads in frustration at the inept battle strategy often employed by Cain and company.

Although Cain and Griffith receive top billing, auburn-haired Wise delivers the film's liveliest performance, as Abel struggles to maintain some semblance of a human relationship in the midst of stark wartime conditions--the only existence she has ever known.  Cain does well playing slightly against type, while Griffith executes his supporting role solidly, but without much passion.

Also known in some territories as WARHAMMER, THE FINAL ENCOUNTER falls apart somewhat at the end, where the fate of the human race once again hinges upon the good guy outpunching the bad guy in hand-to-hand combat.  As war-themed science fiction goes, it's nowhere near ALIENS territory, but worth checking out.  Also with Michelle Krusiec, Trae Thomas and Violeta Markovska.  The Bulgarian supporting cast is heavily dubbed.  Kevin Memley's score adds an epic flavor.

FINAL EXAM (1981)—Directed by Jimmy Huston.  Stars Cecile Bagdadi, Joel S. Rice, DeAnna Robbins, Timothy L. Raynor, Ralph Brown, Sherry Willis-Burch, John Fallon.  Bless BCI for releasing this lesser-known horror flick on DVD, but I can’t say it’s worth the effort.  A step down from the regional action flicks director Jimmy Huston had been making for Earl Owensby’s North Carolina-based production company, FINAL EXAM isn’t even average for the low-rent slasher genre.  In and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with making an R-rated slasher movie with less gore, sex and profanity than some PG films of the period, but it’s got to have something extra to make up for a lack of visceral thrills.  However, FINAL EXAM, working from Huston’s screenplay, lacks any clever twists, tight plotting or even memorable performances that could have turned the film into some sort of classic.

It’s the last week of the semester, and while most of Lanier College’s student body have left for the holidays, a few guys and gals are sticking around to finish exams.  Among them are brainy Final Girl Courtney (Bagdadi), dumb jock Wildman (Brown), flirty Lisa (Robbins), sweet Janet (Willis-Burch), horror-obsessed nerd Radish (Rice) and BMOC Mark (Fallon).  While all the performances by the relatively inexperienced actors are earnest, they also fail to make much of an impact, and it can be difficult to differentiate the characters from each other. 

Only Rice stands out, and that’s only because of his miscasting, which asks us to accept this awkward, high-voiced and decidedly effete performer as the romantic lead.  Scenes in which he attempts to flirt with Bagdadi’s Courtney, while certainly intended to showcase Radish’s clumsiness around women, come across as hilariously unbelievable.

At any rate, a bowlcutted killer (Raynor) in blue jeans and an Army jacket is wandering around campus killing people, and that’s the extent of the story.  Unfortunately, outside of a reasonably effective prologue, Huston holds back the killings, i.e. the only reason anyone is watching this movie, until just about the last 35 minutes.  Until then, FINAL EXAM is a series of dumb frat-boy pranks and romantic longings.  While Huston likely intended this chatty approach to engender the audience’s identification with his characters, so their eventual murders would have more impact, it only makes the viewer impatient, since the actors aren’t strong enough to earn our sympathy nor are they given any dramatic backstories.

The killings do eventually arrive and at a fairly decent pace, but, again defying genre conventions, are filmed in a tame fashion.  Huston does occasionally show flair with the camera or in establishing a suspenseful moment, but his heart doesn’t seem to have been in his work.  FINAL EXAM was shot on real college campuses near Owensby’s Shelby facility, and the old buildings provide some needed realism, as does Gary Scott’s HALLOWEEN-aping score.

FINAL JUSTICE (1985)--Directed by Greydon Clark. Stars Joe Don Baker, Venantino Venantini, Helena Abella, Rossano Brazzi. Dull low-budget actioner about a Texas sheriff (Baker) who escorts Italian bad guy Venantini to Malta and is held responsible when he escapes. Baker then teams with detective Abella to hunt Venantini down. The many chases fail to enliven this movie, and Baker appears a little long-in-the-tooth for this kind of role. Also with Bill McKinney and director Clark in supporting roles.

FINAL SCORE (1986)—Directed by Arizal. Stars Chris Mitchum, Mike Abbott, Ida Iasha. Vietnam vet Richard Brown (Mitchum) is livid after he returns home to his 8-year-old son’s birthday party to discover his boy and his wife have been brutally murdered. The culprit is Hawk (Abbott), who has a long roster of hoods standing between Brown and his own death. After an hour of running dudes over with a car, cutting them in half with a machine gun, blasting them with grenades, snapping their necks, and just generally kicking ass, Brown finally faces his mortal enemy, who wants to “squeeze the living shit out of (Brown’s) rotten life.”

If that isn’t enough carnage for you, while dressing for battle, Brown has flashbacks to ‘Nam, where many bamboo huts explode and Brown rescues a POW from an unlocked cage. At least Brown doesn’t let being grief-stricken enough to kill the people who raped and murdered his wife stop him from sexing up the hot ninja (Iasha) who helps him get Hawk. Her job is primarily to get evidence against Hawk to take to the police, but after killing a hundred guys in pursuit of it, I’m not sure evidence means much.

I was not really sure why Hawk was so pissed at Brown, but anyone familiar with Indonesian director Arizal’s unique brand of insane action filmmaking will agree that FINAL SCORE hits the spot. If no stuntman ever died during one of his movies, it wasn’t for a lack of trying.

THE FINAL TERROR (1983)--Directed by Andrew Davis.  Stars John Friedrich, Daryl Hannah, Rachel Ward, Adrian Zmed, Joe Pantoliano.  Some junior forest rangers pick up some girls and head deep into the woods to clear brush and go rafting. Joey Pants strands their asses in the wilderness, and a psycho roams around killing them, though unfortunately not nearly enough of them.

THE FINAL TERROR is a bad movie made worse when you pay attention to the credits. It was filmed in 1981 when most of the creative team were nobodies, but was finally released by Aquarius in 1983 when several cast members were becoming hot Hollywood names. Between the time THE FINAL TERROR was filmed and the date it hit theaters, Adrian Zmed was zooming around in a squad car with Bill Shatner on T.J. HOOKER, Daryl Hannah had done BLADE RUNNER, Rachel Ward got big with SHARKY'S MACHINE and THE THORN BIRDS, and Joe Pantoliano was Guido The Pimp in RISKY BUSINESS. Mark Metcalf had already been Niedermeyer in ANIMAL HOUSE, and striking co-star Akosua Busia went on to marry John Singleton. Audiences must have been stunned to see the classy Ward stumbling through the mud and the dew in this crummy horror flick.

Behind the camera, the pedigree is just as interesting. Director Andrew Davis jumped briefly onto Hollywood's A-list with action hits like THE FUGITIVE and UNDER SIEGE. Producer Joe Roth went on to direct films and run Walt Disney Studios and Revolution Studios, as well as produce the Academy Awards telecast. Roth was married to the daughter of legendary AIP owner Samuel Z. Arkoff, who "presented" THE FINAL TERROR (one wonders if Arkoff was supposed to release it himself, but balked for whatever reason). Ronald Shusett, who co-wrote ALIEN, receives a screenplay credit, and New World's resident post-production fixer-upper Allan Holzman (who directed FORBIDDEN WORLD and Jillian Kesner's nude scenes in FIRECRACKER) supervised post. That job entailed hiring one of the few women ever to score a horror movie, Susan Justin, who provides a very nice musicscape that is probably the best individual aspect of the movie.

So. If I told you the director of THE FUGITIVE and the writer of ALIEN had teamed up to make a slasher movie with Daryl Hannah, Rachel Ward, Joe Pantoliano and Adrian Zmed, to be released by Sam Arkoff, you'd probably think it had to be at least somewhat interesting. It really isn't, though I admit it contains one or two brief scares and a somewhat effective though unfinished ending. Its story is confusing to the point that you don't really know who the characters are or why they're in the woods. Davis even misses the point of a post-FRIDAY THE 13TH slasher flick, in that THE FINAL TERROR drastically skimps on the sex, nudity, gore and body count. It could play easily on television with just a couple of seconds snipped out (though so could FRIDAY THE 13TH, come to think of it).

FINAL VOYAGE (1999)--Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Jay Andrews).  Stars Dylan Walsh, Ice-T, Erika Eleniak, Claudia Christian.  This lame Wynorski direct-to-video thriller manages to ripoff UNDER SIEGE, which was a ripoff of DIE HARD.  Amazingly, Wynorski got Eleniak, who was in UNDER SIEGE, to star in it.  The charisma-challenged Walsh (CONGO) stars as professional bodyguard Aaron Carpenter, who, after screwing up a job in the opening scene (although it appears to me as though he did okay), receives an even better gig (!) protecting an heiress (Eleniak) on a cruise ship.  Unfortunately, the ship is the target of terrorists led by Josef (Ice-T) and slinky Max (Christian).  What's amazing is how shoddy the production looks--the cruise ship never has more than a handful of extras, the "bowels" of the ship were obviously filmed in some sort of factory or refinery (check out the concrete walls), and every other scene features the same prop life preserver hanging on the wall--one that misspells the name of the ship!  If you're looking for an exciting action movie, avoid this voyage at all costs, but if you don't mind mocking the multitude of continuity errors (keep your eye on the shoulder Walsh gets shot in), cheap sets, clunky dialogue and mismatched stock footage (one lengthy sequence borrows quite heavily from JUGGERNAUT, a movie made 25 years earlier!), you could have a good time with it.  Wynorski and (especially) Christian have a rollicking time ripping on it on the DVD commentary track.  Also with Heidi Schanz, Rick Ducummon, Stephen Macht, Chick Vennera and MIGHTY JOE YOUNG star Terry Moore.  Music by David and Eric Wurst.  Wynorski also co-produced and co-wrote using his "Noble Henry" credit.

FIRE AND ICE (1983)--Directed by Ralph Bakshi. Stars Randy Norton, Cynthia Leake, Susan Tyrell, Steve Sandor. Action-packed animated fantasy designed by comic book legend Frank Frazetta contains some rousing battle scenes and an excellent majestic music score by William Kraft. An evil Ice Lord named Nekron (who is dominated by his mother) uses his supernatural power to destroy a village with a massive glacier. The lone survivor, a young man named Lorn (Norton), vows revenge, and eventually teams with mercenary Darkwolf (Sandor) to rescue the very sexy Teegra (Leake), daughter of Nekron's archenemy King Jarol. Thanks to the process of rotoscoping--the tracing of live-action footage containing human actors--the animation is quite fluid, and the design closely resembles Frazetta's classic artwork. Also with Leo Gordon, Sean Hannon and Micky Morton. "Rascally" Roy Thomas and "Merry" Gerry Conway, two of DC and Marvel Comics's most versatile and creative writers, penned the screenplay; they also contributed the original story of CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

FIRE DOWN BELOW (1997)--Directed by Felix Enriquez Alcala. Stars Steven Seagal, Marg Helgenberger, Kris Kristofferson. The latest Seagal ego trip features the Ponytailed Pugilist as an undercover ATF agent (who attempts to remain incognito while sporting a dazzling array of brightly-colored Native American tunics and expensive leather coats) investigating the death of a federal agent in the backwoods of Tennessee. Greedy mining magnate Kristofferson is polluting the landscape, and he doesn't care who he has to kill in the process. Kristofferson chews up the scenery, but Seagal barely flashes an emotion as he plows through a never-ending stream of evil henchmen, dispatching them way too easily, as though Seagal's ego wouldnt allow his character to take a punch or two. The supporting cast, including Levon Helm, Richard Masur and Harry Dean Stanton, does a good job, but the plot is flimsy, the action dull, and Seagal's ever-expanding waistline makes him ever more difficult to take seriously.

FIRE IN THE SKY (1993)--Directed by Robert Lieberman. Stars Robert Patrick, D.B. Sweeney, James Garner, Henry Thomas. This fact-based alien abduction tale stars Sweeney as Arizona lumberjack Travis Walton, who, in 1975, was allegedly abducted by a UFO while in the woods with six other woodsmen. Thinking Walton dead, his buddies returned to town, where their story was disbelieved and the men accused of murder by the same townspeople who had known them all their lives. Five days later, Walton returned with the tale of being taken away and examined by alien beings. Although the scenes of Walton's contact with the creatures are a bit implausible (albeit tense and spooky, thanks to the visuals provided by Industrial Light and Magic), the story is convincingly told, and is played very realistically by the talented cast, which also includes Peter Berg, Craig Sheffer and Noble Willingham. Garner stands out as a cynical sheriff. The real-life characters reportedly took (and passed) a lie-detector test prior to the film's release. SLIDERS creator Tracy Torme scripted. Filmed in Oregon.

FIREBACK (1978)--Directed by Teddy Page.  Stars Richard Harrison, Bruce Baron, Mike Monty.  Good grief, it's another of Harrison's Asian-made action thrillers, as implausible and incomprehensible as all the others he churned out clear through the 1980s.  Here he's American Jack Kaplan, a soldier out for revenge when his wife is murdered by a wealthy man named Duffy (Baron).  While Jack was rotting away in a Vietnamese POW camp (the opening scene in which Harrison demonstrates to his troops a ridiculously implausible super-weapon and then never uses it against the ambushing enemy is hilarious), Duffy was attempting to woo his wife with flowers and sweet talk.  After she pushes him into the pool, he kidnaps and kills her.  Jack's search for her leads him to an insane number of Duffy's accomplices, one of whom is named Dennis and has a golden metal hand (which, typically for these movies, Page doesn't take advantage of).  FIREBACK is stupid but strangely watchable, and is quite similar to Harrison's BLOOD DEBTS, which might be even crazier.  Not as crazy, however, as the actor's later collaborations with Godfrey Ho...

FIREBALL 500 (1966)--Directed by William Asher.  Stars Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Fabian, Julie Parrish, Harvey Lembeck.  Few on-screen couples have been as popular as Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, two clean-cut Italian-American youths who starred together in nine films for AIP between 1963 and 1966.  With titles like BEACH BLANKET BINGO and HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI, they were clearly made with teenagers in mind, and that’s the audience that paid millions of dollars to watch them frugging and necking on drive-in screens all across America.  However, as the decade drew on, tastes changed.  The country became a more complicated place--Vietnam, the civil rights movement, the drug culture--and the question of whether Frankie and Annette would make up in time for the big clambake at the beach didn’t seem so important anymore.  In 1966, THE WILD ANGELS, starring Peter Fonda and Bruce Dern as longhaired, nihilistic bikers, became one of AIP’s most profitable films.  Anticipating that success was FIREBALL 500, which placed AIP’s squeaky-clean Beach Party Bingoers into a more mature milieu.

Cocky racecar driver Dave Owens (Avalon), after conquering the California circuit, crosses the country to South Carolina to engage the region’s #1 driver, Leander (fellow teen idol Fabian in a role tailor-made for AIP regular John Ashley).  Hooking up with shady promoter Charlie Bigg (Harvey Lembeck) for racing and with Bigg’s wealthy financier Martha (Julie Parrish) for steamy sack time, Dave ends up competing on and off the track with Leander, who takes pole position in the race for the affections of buxom carny singer Jane Harris (Funicello).  As if Dave isn’t busy enough, the Feds are blackmailing him to infiltrate Martha and Charlie’s moonshine operation and agree to drive hooch across backwoods country, a route also targeted by murderous hijackers.

As the director and co-writer (with Leo Townsend), it was William Asher’s job to make sure the toughening of traditional beach-movie elements was a smooth transition, and FIREBALL 500 moves pretty well, once you’ve convinced yourself that Frankie Avalon is a badass.  Asher and his stunt team concoct a corker of a fight scene between Avalon’s character and Lembeck’s that’ll make you blink twice.  This isn’t just fisticuffs; it’s a no-holds-barred swatfest that has the two men falling from platforms, bouncing off cars, and, in one in-your-face shot, shoving Frankie’s head through a window into the camera.  Likewise, the romantic scenes have progressed from necking on the beach to a steamy scene in which Parrish squeezes the buttocks of a shirtless Avalon.  Okay, we’re not talking LAST TANGO IN PARIS here, but this is a Frankie-and-Annette movie we’re talking about!  With composer Les Baxter, cinematographer Floyd Crosby and art director Daniel Haller lending their professional sheen, as they did on most of the decade’s best AIP films, FIREBALL 500 is an entertaining maturation of the BEACH PARTY genre, complete with unusual Claymation title sequences by GUMBY creator Art Clokey, some totally boss custom cars by George Barris, and narration by the Voice of the Dodgers, Vin Scully.

FIRECRACKER (1981)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.  Stars Jillian Kesner, Darby Hinton, Ken Metcalfe.  Santiago remakes his own TNT JACKSON with blond Kesner stepping in for blaxploitation star Jeanne Bell.  Suzanne Carter (Kesner) flies to Manila to investigate the disappearance of her journalist sister and discovers a local mobster (co-writer Metcalfe) may be responsible.  Suzanne begins a relationship with Metcalfe’s right-hand man, Chuck (Hinton), who recruits fighters to perform in his boss’ “arena of death”.  As in TNT JACKSON, the movie’s highlight is Kesner’s topless karate fight, which begins when she’s jumped on the street after dark by two men, who systematically strip her of her clothing during the protracted martial arts battle.  Executive producer Roger Corman loved the concept of a beautiful woman fighting topless that he used it again in ANGELFIST (Cat Sassoon this time under Santiago’s direction) and ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION (Maria Ford), which also was a remake of Don “The Dragon” Wilson’s BLACKBELT.  Corman surely knew how to milk a concept.  FIRECRACKER is pretty crude with poor post-synch sound, but Santiago manages to find an excuse to stage a fight every five minutes or so.  Allan Holzman (FORBIDDEN WORLD) receives credit for writing and directing “additional scenes,” which are likely Kesner's topless fight scene and her kinky sex scene with Hinton.

FIREFOX (1982)--Directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Clint Eastwood, Freddie Jones, David Huffman, Ronald Lacey. Implausible but effective espionage yarn about a flashback-ridden Vietnam vet (Eastwood) who is commissioned to sneak into the Soviet Union and escape with the Russians' secret hi-tech jet. It's STAR WARS meets THE IPCRESS FILE as Clint flies to safety courtesy of some Death Star-style special effects provided by SFX wizard John Dykstra. Script by Alex Lasker & Wendell Wellman based on a novel by Craig Thomas.

FIREPOWER (1979)--Directed by Michael Winner.  Stars James Coburn, Sophia Loren, O.J. Simpson.  This international thriller filmed in the Caribbean possesses one of the most absurdly convoluted storylines I've ever seen, right down to an exact double of Coburn who's quickly introduced and dispensed with:  the ultimate deux es machina, surely created only to paint the screenwriters out of a corner.  The husband of Adele Tasca (Loren), a chemist, is murdered.  She believes the man responsible is a wealthy recluse named Karl Stegner, who's wanted by American authorities on charges of tax evasion and fraud, among others, but can't be extradited from his Caribbean stronghold.  The government, at the behest of Adele, hires her old flame, mercenary Jerry Fanon (Coburn), to sneak down there and bring Stegner back.  That's really all there is to the story, except Winner and writer Gerald Wilson (THE STONE KILLER) spice it up with so many senseless twists and doublecrosses that it becomes pretty hilarious.  FIREPOWER is a pretty decent potboiler, filled with enough explosions and chases to keep you awake, and it's always nice to see accomplished actors doing their thing.  Also with Tony Franciosa, George Grizzard, Eli Wallach, Vincent Gardenia, Fred Stuthman, Billy Barty, Vincent Beck, Jake LaMotta and a very strange cameo by Victor Mature.  Gato Barbieri composed the score, which was arranged and conducted by Jay Chattaway.

FIREPOWER (1993)--Directed by Richard Pepin. Stars Chad McQueen, Gary Daniels, Joseph Ruskin, James Hellwig. It's 2006, and a large section of Los Angeles has been designated a Zone of Personal Freedom, where so-called "victimless" crimes such as prostitution, drug use and gambling go unpunished and police officers fear to tread. The main source of entertainment in this "Hellzone" is the Death Ring, a Thunderdome-like cage where fist fighters bash each other's brains out using randomly selected weapons like maces and swords. The Death Ring's biggest champion is the Swordsman (Hellwig aka WCW's Ultimate Warrior), who's also the leader of the Zone's deadliest gang. When the Swordsman manages to escape from police custody, two of the LAPD's finest armor-plated cops, Sledge (Daniels) and Daryn (McQueen), go undercover as Death Ring fighters in a club owned by pockmarked Drexal (Ruskin), who's developing and selling on the black market a counterfeit AIDS vaccine.

The potentially interesting AIDS subplot is mostly ignored in favor of fights--lots of fights. There are almost as many punches thrown as lines spoken in this movie, which might be okay if they were excitingly staged. Pepin's direction of these lethal battles is static, relying on the chemistry between buddy cops McQueen and Daniels to carry the action. Unfortunately, neither is a good actor or fighter (even though Daniels is a former martial-arts champion), so we're left with many minutes of monotonous fight scenes featuring two actors we neither believe nor care about in the ring. Pepin does much better in the early stages, putting together some reasonably well-done car chases and a spectacular burning car stunt. The science fiction elements aren't handled very well either, only being used as an excuse to avoid explaining how the murderous Death Ring matches could be allowed to continue without being shut down by the authorities. Unless you love to watch the same basic chopsocky fight over and over again or are just curious to see what Steve McQueen's son looks like, I'd suggest skipping FIREPOWER.

Also with George Murdock, Alisha Das, Art Camacho (also the fight coordinator) and Vanessa Hampton. Produced by PM Entertainment, owned by director Pepin and producer Joseph Mehri and a reliable distributor of straight-to-video action movies. There's a lot of bad hair in this movie--Daniels has a prissy ponytail, and Hellwig's '80s glam rock 'do is hilariously out of date. McQueen was a crewmember on his dad's final two films, but has starred consistently in low-budget direct-to-video programmers since 1990. Since he and his sister Terry own the trademark on his father's name, I wouldn't imagine he'd have to work if he didn't want to.

FIRESTARTER (1983)--Directed by Mark L. Lester. Stars Drew Barrymore, David Keith, Martin Sheen, George C. Scott, Art Carney. Another bad Stephen King movie. This one stars little Drew as a girl who can start fires using telekinetic powers. She and her father (Keith) are on the run from the U.S. government, who want to use her power for war purposes. The main bad guy is Scott as a ponytailed American Indian! Lots of stuff burns. With Louise Fletcher, Moses Gunn and babe-ilicious Heather Locklear. Filmed in North Carolina. Music by Tangerine Dream. From the director of SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO.

FIRESTORM (1998)--Directed by Dean Semler.  Stars Howie Long, William Forsythe, Suzy Amis.  Former Los Angeles Raider Long kicked off a three-picture contract with 20th Century Fox in this dopey action movie.  Box office was dismal, and the other two films were never made.  Long isn't bad really, not that Chris Soth's screenplay gives him much to do.  He's neither good nor bad enough to be interesting, but that isn't to say he couldn't have improved in further vehicles.  Here he plays Jesse, a "smokejumper": a firefighter who parachutes into forests to help extinguish major blazes.  Psycho prison escapee Randall Shaye (Forsythe) engineers a forest fire to cover up his escape from the Wyoming State Penitentiary.  Using the $37 million he swiped in an armored train heist four years earlier as bait, he and four fellow inmates disguise themselves as Canadian firemen, using comely birdwatcher Jennifer (Amis) as a hostage.  On their trail is Jesse, who uses his firefighting expertise to prevent their escape.

Very similar to Andrew Stone's 1961 film RING OF FIRE, which starred David Janssen as a small-town cop held hostage in a forest fire by juvenile delinquents led by Frank Gorshin, FIRESTORM is a sumptuous-looking production--no shock there, considering it was the directorial debut of Oscar-winning cinematographer Semler (DANCES WITH WOLVES).  The visual effects are mostly good, and the action is decently paced.  But there's little here that's fresh.  Forsythe has played this type of heavy too many times to count, and Semler sinks to stealing shots from better movies like 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, PSYCHO and THE RIGHT STUFF.  He even casts Scott Glenn in more or less the same role he played in BACKDRAFT!  Also with Christianne Hirt, Barry Pepper, Sebastian Spence, Jonathon Young and Jon Cuthbert.  Music by J. Peter Robinson.  Released in January 1998, Fox obviously didn't expect much from this picture.  And they didn't get much.  Semler directed one more film, the DTV Steven Seagal vehicle THE PATRIOT, before returning to camerawork.

FIRETRAP (2001)--Directed by Harris Done.  Stars Dean Cain, Richard Tyson, Jim Storm, Mel Harris.  Cain is a gentleman thief who is hired by the CIA to break into a high-rise and steal a valuable microchip from under the nose of wealthy industrialist Jack Calloway (Storm).  But what bad luck--as Cain is crawling through the building's air vents, a saboteur starts a fire, trapping Cain on an upper floor along with Calloway, his security chief (Tyson), his estranged wife (Harris) and several other types.  It wouldn't be a PM Entertainment picture without a car chase, so Done tosses one in during the early reels (a pretty subdued chase by PM standards), but most of the film is a low-budget mix of DIE HARD and THE TOWERING INFERNO.  Cain has done these good-guy parts to death--and he's fine in FIRETRAP--but there's little in the film to set it apart from any other direct-to-video thriller you could pick off the shelf.  Also with Lori Petty, Steven Williams, Vanessa Angel, Jenna Gering, Lisa London and TO TELL THE TRUTH host John O'Hurley.  Cain was a co-producer.

FIREWALKER (1986)--Directed by J. Lee Thompson.  Stars Chuck Norris, Lou Gossett, Jr., Melody Anderson, Sonny Landham.  This Cannon film gets a bad rap, although I think it's mostly undeserved. It received attention as a change-of-pace for Norris, who plays Max, a lighter, more comedic adventurer, in this ROMANCING THE STONE ripoff. The irony is that characters often refer to Max as getting by on the strength of his charm. There are a lot of words you could use to describe Norris' acting--some good and many bad--but "charming" is not likely to be one of them. He does seem to be having a good time hamming it up alongside Gossett as his partner Leo. What the hell happened to Gossett? In less than five years, he went from winning an Oscar to appearing as Chuck Norris' sidekick in a PG Cannon movie. Hollywood can be a rough place sometimes. 

Max and Leo team up with a beautiful legal secretary, Patricia (played by the charming Anderson from FLASH GORDON), to follow a treasure map into Central America, where they hope to find an Aztec treasure. On their trail is a "red Cyclops", a medicine man played by Landham (48 HRS.), who wants the treasure for himself and wants to turn Patricia into a human sacrifice.  Directed by veteran J. Lee Thompson, who ended his career with several Cannon thrillers, most of them starring Charles Bronson (FIREWALKER was his only movie with Norris), FIREWALKER is pretty dumb and pretty sloppy, full of continuity errors and story points that go nowhere. It was filmed in Mexico, and offers plenty of chases, karate fights, secret passages, elaborate death traps and other jungle adventure staples. It's the only Norris vehicle that could be accurately called a comedy (an intentional one, that is), which gives it some novelty value.  Also with John Rhys-Davies, Will Sampson and Ian Abercrombie.  One of Norris' rare PG films before making "family" fare on TV with WALKER, TEXAS RANGER.

FIREWALL (2006)--Directed by Richard Loncraine.  Stars Harrison Ford, Virginia Madsen, Paul Bettany, Mary Jane Rajskub.  FIREWALL commits the blasphemy of wasting a terrific supporting cast.  One scene finds Alan Arkin, Robert Patrick, Robert Forster and Harrison Ford sharing a scene, and I'll be damned if director Richard Loncraine couldn't find anything cool for them to do together.  Ford plays a Seattle bank manager whose family is kidnapped by Standard Effete Eurotrash Villain #354 (Paul Bettany), who forces Ford to tap into his bank's computer system and transfer $100 million to an offshore account.  In their effort to make all movies inoffensive to everybody, Hollywood has become extremely bland when it comes to casting heavies. Aren't you tired of snobby Brits in business suits waving guns?  Particularly when they're played by Paul Bettany, who is about as threatening as a junebug.  I can think of about 100 actors off the top of my head who would have not only been more charismatic than Bettany, but would have the screen presence to hold the screen opposite Ford, who looks tired and bored in FIREWALL, but is still believable kicking Paul Bettany's ass.  FIREWALL is neither very good nor very bad--both of which would have made it more fun to watch.  Music by Alexandre Desplat.

FIRST BLOOD (1982)--Directed by Ted Kotcheff.  Stars Sylvester Stallone, Brian Dennehy, Richard Crenna.  One of the most influential films of the 1980s is a tough, lean action picture miles ahead of its cartoonish sequels.  Stallone is John Rambo, a drifter and former Green Beret who is hassled and roughed up by Teasle (Dennehy), sheriff of Hope County, Oregon, and his deputies.  Just wanting to be left alone and tortured by flashbacks of his term in a Viet Cong POW camp, Rambo explodes against his captors, knocking them about and escaping into the mountains, where he survives using his military training against hundreds of policemen and National Guardsmen.  Crenna (in a role intended for Kirk Douglas) is on hand as Rambo's former Army commander, Colonel Trautman.  Some of Kotcheff's exceedingly well-crafted action scenes are a bit implausible, yet the story and performances are tight enough to lure you into suspending your disbelief.  Andrew Laszlo's camera captures the thick British Columbia locations, and Jerry Goldsmith's churning score is among his best work.  Also with Jack Starrett, David Caruso, Michael Talbott, John McLiam, Chris Mulkey and Bill McKinney.  Bruce Greenwood is in there somewhere.  Suzee Pai appeared nude as a Vietnamese hooker in a scene that was cut before release.  Screenplay by TV vets Michael Kozoll and William Sackheim (HILL STREET BLUES) was polished heavily by Stallone.

THE FIRST DEADLY SIN (1980)--Directed by Brian G. Hutton. Stars Frank Sinatra, Faye Dunaway, David Dukes. Frank's last film (unless you count his fleeting appearance in CANNONBALL RUN II) is a good thriller based upon Lawrence Sanders's novel about New York detective Francis X. Delaney (Sinatra), who cares for his invalid wife (an underused Dunaway) while pursuing a psycho who's killing people with a hammer used for mountain-climbing. Basically follows the novel's plot until the climax. Sinatra does a good job in his only theatrical lead after 1970's DIRTY DINGUS MAGEE. Also with Anthony Zerbe, James Whitmore, Brenda Vaccaro and Joe Spinell. Roman Polanski was supposed to direct at one point. Dukes died of a heart attack in 2000; he was appearing in a semi-regular role on TV's DAWSON'S CREEK at the time.

THE FIRST NUDIE MUSICAL (1976)--Directed by Mark Haggard and Bruce Kimmel. Stars Bruce Kimmel, Cindy Williams, Diana Canova, Stephen Nathan. SOUTH PARK fans would probably love this funny yet surprisingly sweet parody of both Busby Berkeley-type musicals and porno films. Just don't be distracted by the cardboard sets, clunky direction and miniscule budget. Harry Schechter (Nathan), who runs his father's Poverty Row movie studio, is threatened with bankruptcy if he can't produce a low-budget X-rated musical comedy in just two weeks. To make an impossible task even more difficult, Harry is forced to hire as his director John Smithee (Kimmel, who wrote the screenplay and songs as well), a naive bumbler who is also the nephew of one of Harry's investors. Williams, who began her starring role on LAVERNE & SHIRLEY that same year, is wonderful as Harry's sarcastic but loyal secretary Rosie, who's always quick with a quip or even a tap dance. The songs are great--I'd put them on the same level as THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW--and you haven't truly lived until you've seen the Dancing Dildos. Movie is loaded with full frontal nudity, profanity and sexual content, yet it isn't the least bit offensive. Paramount had no idea whatsoever how to release this film; as a result, it was a box-office flop. Also with Leslie Ackerman, Alan Abelew, Rene J. Hall and Alexandra Morgan. Ron Howard has an unbilled cameo. Williams and Kimmel later reteamed for THE CREATURE WASN'T NICE aka SPACESHIP, an AIRPLANE!-like spoof of outer-space movies co-starring Leslie Nielsen. Nathan went on to produce TV series like EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and FAMILY LAW.

THE FIRST POWER (1990)--Directed by Robert Resnikoff.  Stars Lou Diamond Phillips, Tracy Griffith, Jeff Kober, Mikel T. Williamson.  27-year-old Phillips is ridiculously miscast as a badass Los Angeles homicide detective named Russell Logan, who is L.A.'s King of Serial Killer Tracking. Some baffling police work somehow leads Logan to the Pentagram Killer, Patrick Channing (hideous Kober, perfectly cast as a creepy bastard), who sacrifices his victims to the Devil and carves pentagrams in their chests. An anonymous tipster warns Logan not to send Channing to the gas chamber (like an L.A. cop has anything to do with the decision), and after the killer's execution, one of Logan's fellow detectives is found murdered in an identical manner, right down to the knife wounds on her chest.

Reluctantly teaming with the anonymous phone caller, a beautiful red-haired psychic named Tess Seaton (Griffith), Logan slowly comes to realize that Channing has returned from Hell and is possessing human bodies to carry out his murderous vendetta. What's really funny about Phillips' character is that, despite what the other characters tell us about him, he's really an inept cop. Nothing he does has any positive impact on his investigation or pursuit, even though we're supposed to identify with his lone wolf. When he captures Channing at the beginning, he runs out of bullets (and throws his gun at the villain!), then is stabbed several times in the stomach before help arrives to apprehend the killer. Logan gets his ass kicked by just about every opponent, including a ninja-like bag lady right out of a Ronny Yu movie who floats up to the cop's loft and perpetrates some kung fu on Lou's not-bad self.

Writer/director Resnikoff, whose only film THE FIRST POWER is (I'm curious as to who he was and what happened to him), does have a knack for handling stunts and action scenes. The pacing is good, and the chases and action are brisk. There's a cool spinning car jump and crash, and a stuntman playing Channing leaps off a tall building, lands on his feet, and runs off, all in one shot. I don't know how he accomplished this, unless it was an early example of visual effects using computers to "wipe away" the stuntman's bungee wires.

Between the silly plot, Logan's incompetence and the lousy acting, THE FIRST POWER provides much to laugh at, but the ending is a real howler. Once you learn that the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power keeps gigantic vats of boiling acid (!) in its basement, you'll be wondering whether this movie was being written as it was being filmed. Maybe Resnikoff was a big BATMAN fan, who the heck knows? THE FIRST POWER is not a good movie, but if you enjoy lovable crap, you need to check it out. Look for Daughter of Kirk Melanie Shatner, along with Dennis Lipscomb and David Gale.  Music by Stewart Copeland.

FIRST STRIKE--See JACKIE CHAN'S FIRST STRIKE.

A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988)--Directed by Charles Crichton. Stars John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, Michael Palin. Brilliant comedy about a gang of double-crossing diamond thieves. After one is arrested, the other three, who don't know where the loot is hidden, plot to get the information from British lawyer Cleese. Many hilarious scenes and the cast is terrific, especially Palin as an animal-loving stutterer and Best Supporting Actor Oscar winner Kline as Curtis's dimwitted lover. Also nominated for Best Direction and Screenplay (Crichton and Cleese). Director Crichton was 77 years old at the time.

FIST OF STEEL (1991)—Directed by Teddy Page.  Stars Dale “Apollo” Cook, Cynthia Khan, Don Nakaya Nielsen.  I’d say a good 2/3 of this movie consists of fight scenes, which is good if you like fight scenes and bad if you like story and characters.  The arena-style fights are at least pretty well done in this post-apocalyptic saga, which finds arrogant loner Amp (Cook) and cute Wild (Khan) striking out across the desert to find Mainframe (Nielsen), the madman who murdered Amp’s girl (who bore a startling resemblance to Wild for no real reason I could see) and left Amp staked to the sand to die.  Punch, punch, kick, kick.  This may be the only American production for Taiwanese Khan, who showcased her great beauty and solid action skills in many Asian films, including YES, MADAM and the IN THE LINE OF DUTY series.

FISTFIGHTER (1989)--Directed by Frank Zuniga. Stars George Rivero, Edward Albert, Mike Connors, Brenda Bakke, Matthais Hues. Rivero travels to South America to find the brute (Hues) who murdered his friend. Crippled Albert trains him for the big fistfighting match. Bakke is beautiful, and Connors (TV's MANNIX) properly evil as Hues's manager, but film's low-budget and crude direction make it pretty hard to watch.

A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS (1964)--Directed by Sergio Leone. Stars Clint Eastwood, Gian Maria Volonte, Marianne Koch. First of Leone/Eastwood's spaghetti western trilogy was released in the United States in 1967 with fake American credits. Clint was still on RAWHIDE at the time. The Man With No Name pits two warring families against each other by working as a gunfighter for both sides, kills a ton of people, and leaves town a lot richer. This movie and its two sequels made Eastwood a superstar, and Leone's unique direction was imitated by dozens of western directors on both sides of the Atlantic. Leone shows an interesting visual flair, an offbeat use of Fellini-esque supporting players and Ennio Morricone's score is terrific. Eastwood's anti-hero was widely embraced during the counterculture sixties. An obvious remake of Akira Kurosawas YOJIMBO, it was again remade by Walter Hill in the '90s as LAST MAN STANDING.

FISTS OF FURY (1972)--Directed by Lo Wei. Stars Bruce Lee. Lee's first feature was his second (after THE CHINESE CONNECTION) to be released in the U.S. It's a crudely filmed and badly dubbed story involving a quiet guy out for revenge against the ice factory owner who killed his friend. Lee had already appeared in the TV series THE GREEN HORNET and LONGSTREET before filming this.

FIVE BLOODY GRAVES (1969)—Directed by Al Adamson.  Stars Robert Dix, Scott Brady, Jim Davis, John Carradine, John Cardos.  Hack director Adamson proved he could make crummy pictures in the horror, crime, blaxploitation, sexploitation and kung fu genres.  Here he demonstrates he was a terrible director of westerns too.  Marketed as a gruesome, horrific gore movie, FIVE BLOODY GRAVES is tame and boring.  Dix, who co-produced and wrote the screenplay, plays Ben Thompson, a gunslinger on the prowl for the Yaqui chief, Satago (Cardos), who murdered his wife on their wedding day.  He hooks up with a wagon train carrying a gambler, a preacher and some prostitutes, as well as Joe Lightfoot, Satago’s half-brother (also played by Cardos), and a pair of gunrunners in bed with Satago.  Almost everyone is dead by the end of the picture, but the action scenes are flat and the script void of interesting characters or situations.  At least the cast is professional, and cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond lensed some attractive Utah scenery (not that you can tell by Brentwood’s hideously cropped DVD).  Also with Paula Raymond, Kent Osborne, Ray Young, Vicki Volante and Darlene Lucht from AIP’s Beach Party pictures.  Adamson’s father, Victor, who used the name Denver Dixon in ‘30s westerns, appears, as does Al as an Indian.  Gene Raymond narrates as The Voice of Death!  Death is a yammerer, that’s for sure.

FIVE CARD STUD (1968)--Directed by Henry Hathaway.  Stars Dean Martin, Robert Mitchum, Inger Stevens, Roddy McDowall, Yaphet Kotto, Katherine Justice.  Paramount released one of my favorite westerns, one that played (and still does!) incessantly on local television when I was a kid.  I've probably seen it twenty times, and I always find it to be enormously entertaining, thanks to its terrific cast, odd Maurice Jarre score and intriguing premise.  To the best of my knowledge, FIVE CARD STUD is the world's first serial killer/murder mystery/Western.  Maybe the last too, as far as I know.

Rincon, Colorado.  1880.  A poker game involving laidback professional gambler Van Morgan (Martin) comes to a violent end when one of the players is accused of cheating.  Despite the protestations of Morgan (who is hit in the head and knocked out trying to stop it) and young, black bartender George (Kotto), the other five players lynch their cheating companion, who is buried in an unmarked grave.  Several weeks later, Rincon is struck by a series of gruesome murders in which the victims are strangled or smothered or hanged.  All the victims were members of the lynching party, which the rest of Rincon knows nothing about.  Morgan, who's carrying on dual romances with virginal Nora (Justice) and prostitute Lily (Stevens) and a feud with Nora's sociopath brother Nick (McDowall), another member of the lynch mob, decides to find the murderer before he becomes the next victim.  Adding to the mystery is Rincon's new preacher, the mysterious but kindly Jonathan Rudd (Mitchum).

Although Hathaway and scenarist Marguerite Roberts throws in a couple of gunfights and one fairly violent fistfight between Martin and McDowall to satisfy the oater fans, FIVE CARD STUD is more or less an Agatha Christie mystery with spurs.  Its major weakness is that it's fairly obvious early on who the killer is--there just aren't many suspects to choose from--although watching Martin slowly put the clues together is kind of fun.  He and Mitchum, both among the most relaxed movie stars of their generation, work well together, fostering an uneasy, polite relationship between the man-of-God-with-a-past and nomadic cardsharp.  A nifty cast of western veterans, including John Anderson, Roy Jenson, Bill Fletcher, Denver Pyle, Whit Bissell and Don Collier, supports them, but the most interesting performances come from unexpected sources.  30-year-old Kotto is wonderfully warm as bartender George, a loyal friend to Morgan who is treated as an equal, still an unusual sight in a late-1960s western.  Also great is McDowall, who may not have been appearing in his first western, but he certainly didn't make many.  As the venal and vicious Nick (and obvious red herring), McDowall makes the most of his rivalry with Martin, emerging as the film's most hateful character.  Dino, who had already started making Matt Helm movies and appearing in his own variety series, seems to have taken his role seriously for a change; he made this and BANDOLERO!, another western shot in Mexico, the same year.  Also with Ted de Corsia, Ruth Springford and Robert Hoy.  Martin performed the catchy theme, written by Jarre and Ned Washington.

FIVE EASY PIECES (1970)--Directed by Bob Rafelson. Stars Jack Nicholson, Susan Anspach, Billy Green Bush, Karen Black. Nicholson is outstanding as oilrig worker Bobby Dupea, who returns to his rich, upstanding childhood home to visit his dying father. This rich character study of a social misfit who doesn't fit in with his upper-class family or his new lower-class environment is brilliantly scripted by Adrien Joyce (a pseudonym for Carole Eastman), photographed by Laszlo Kovacs and directed by Rafelson. The scenes with Nicholson playing the piano on the back of a flatbed truck, and Nicholson berating a rude waitress in a diner are film classics. Jack's second Oscar nomination and first as Best Actor; Black was also nominated by the Academy. From the director of HEAD.

FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH--See KING BOXER.

FIVE GUNS TO TOMBSTONE (1961)—Directed by Edward L. Cahn.  Stars James Brown, Robert Karnes, John Wilder, Walter Coy.  United Artists released this convoluted western that reads like a cheap paperback.  Reformed outlaw Billy Wade (Brown) is forced into carrying a gun again after his escaped-con brother Matt (Karnes) frames him for a bank robbery.  With Matt’s teenage son Ted (Wilder), who blames him for Matt’s death, now against him, Billy has to beware the guns of both the law and Matt’s gang, as he infiltrates a plot to knock over a Wells Fargo wagon to clear his name.  There’s a lot going on here, and FIVE GUNS moves pretty well for a Cahn movie.  The no-name cast is respectable, and the action scenes reasonably potent.  The script is weak, particularly in regards to Wilder’s character—it’s hard to believe he would turn against his uncle so quickly and rabidly—and the supporting villains, who are exceptionally stupid.  Also with Gregg Palmer, Della Sharman and Jeff DeBenning.  Cahn, an exceptionally prolific director who made 23 (!) films from 1960–1962, died in 1963.