FACE THE EVIL (1997)--Directed by Paul Lynch.  Stars Lance Henriksen, Shannon Tweed, Bruce Payne, Jayne Heitmeyer.  Also known as NO CONTEST II, this tame Canadian thriller is a sequel to a movie that nobody saw, NO CONTEST, which starred Tweed as a B-movie actress who battled terrorists holding beauty pageant contestants hostage.  This film makes no reference to the original at all, even though Tweed is playing the same character.  Just call it "DIE HARD in an art gallery", as Sharon Bell (Tweed) visits her sister Bobbi (Heitmeyer), the curator of a museum showcasing a sculpture carved by a Nazi scientist in 1944.  Along with Jack (Payne), the director of the film Sharon's currently shooting, the siblings become trapped inside the building with a group of heavily armed thieves, led by urbane Erich Dengler (Henriksen).  The art theft is just to cover up Dengler's master plan--to rip off a cache of Nazi nerve gas stashed inside his father's statue.

Director Lynch has mostly worked in episodic television the past decade, which perhaps explains this movie's cheap look and routine action scenes.  While he was obviously working on a low budget and shortened schedule, the many shootouts and fight scenes just don't cut the mustard.  Tweed is a decent actress and is in great shape, but she isn't very convincing in her many fight scenes, and you'll probably grow weary of everybody shooting buckets of ammunition from their pistols and Uzis without ever reloading.  Payne (PASSENGER 54) and Heitmeyer (later a regular on EARTH: FINAL CONFLICT) are fine, but only Henriksen, who chews scenery like few others can, is able to transcend his stereotypical Eurotrash bad guy character and bring some life to the movie.  His performance is very good, considering, and his fans will no doubt lap up every moment he's on screen.  Also with David Keeley, Jeffry Max Nichols, Fiona Highlet and Kevin Jubinville.  Music by Paul Zaza.  Tweed was PLAYBOY's Miss November 1981 and turned 40 the year she made this.

THE FACULTY (1998)--Directed by Robert Rodriguez. Stars Josh Hartnett, Jordana Brewster, Elijah Wood, Katie Harris. On the surface just another entry in the increasingly dull teen slasher genre (HALLOWEEN H20, URBAN LEGEND, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, etc.), this highly anticipated teaming of screenwriter Kevin Williamson, who penned the SCREAM movies and created the popular DAWSON'S CREEK TV series, and upstart director Rodriguez (FROM DUSK TILL DAWN) is actually a lot of fun, even as it acknowledges the debt it owes to earlier (and better) genre movies.

Basically a rehash of themes and plot elements from THE THING, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, THE FACULTY centers around a group of students at a regular Ohio high school (although the movie was shot in Texas). These include the school wimp (Wood), the star quarterback, the voomy head cheerleader (Brewster), the sweet new girl in school, the outcast loner and the fifth-year senior who's also a drug dealer and science whiz (Hartnett in a really bad haircut--just like the one he sported in HALLOWEEN H20). Where Williamson's script goes right is in flipping these stereotypes upside down--the wimp turns out to be the hero, the athlete really wants to be a great scholar, the loner wants to be accepted, and the new girl--well, the new girl has secrets of her own. These students come to realize that their teachers have been acting strangely. In fact, and this they realize from comparing their situation to events theyve seen in their favorite sci-fi movies, the faculty has been invaded by aliens who have squirmed into the teachers ears and completely taken over their bodies as the first step toward world domination.

THE FACULTY stands as one of Hollywood's most subversive vehicles in recent memory in that one of the heroes is a drug dealer (the fact that he is a drug dealer is partially what saves them), and it's made clear that the teachers' personalities actually improve after they are invaded--a mousy English teacher becomes sexy and open, the hardass football coach turns sensitive--which makes the students' decision to destroy the aliens a much tougher one (after all, the teachers seem happier, don't they?). Some of Williamson's trademark self-referential dialogue falls flat, Marco Beltrami's score seems to be a rehash of his SCREAM licks, and Rodriguez's direction lacks some of the energy of his previous efforts, but THE FACULTY works due to its strong cast and clever characterizations, and the monster is pretty neat too. Also with Robert Patrick, Bebe Neuwirth, Piper Laurie, Daniel von Bargen, Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, Famke Janssen, Rain Phoenix and THAT '70s SHOW's Danny Masterson.

FADE TO BLACK (1980)--Directed by Vernon Zimmerman. Stars Dennis Christopher, Tim Thomerson, Linda Kerridge, Eve Brent, Norman Burton. Christopher followed up his Golden Globe-nominated performance in BREAKING AWAY with this ambitious slasher flick in which he plays Eric Binford, a wimpy loner with a menial job and a domineering live-in aunt. His boss and co-workers bully him at work and hes unsuccessful with women, so Eric loses himself in the fantasy world of movies. His room and workplace are covered with posters of Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney, he stays up all night watching old creature features on television, and he projects 16 mm gangster flicks on his bedroom wall. He also has a crush on Marilyn Monroe, and is stunned one afternoon when he meets a gorgeous blonde with an Australian accent (Kerridge) who is the spitting image of Miss Monroe. She thinks Eric is kind of cute, and accepts a date for that night. Unfortunately, she loses track of time, and accidentally stands him up. Pushed over the brink of insanity, Eric pushes his wheelchair-bound aunt (Brent) down the stairs just like Richard Widmark in KISS OF DEATH, and then adopts a variety of guises--Hopalong Cassidy, Dracula, The Mummy--in order to murder his tormentors. Thomerson, whose character is sadly underwritten, is a sympathetic police shrink who tries to capture Eric before the police kill him.

Christopher's descent into madness is quite convincing, although doing a horror movie probably wasn't the best career move at that point, and he never did become a major star. Kerridge is absolutely luminous, beautifully capturing Marilyn's innocence, while absolutely not doing an impersonation. It's unfortunate that she never broke through as a star either. The rest of the performances range from offbeat (Thomerson, who may have been improvising his part) to hammy (Brent) to embarrassingly broad (Burton as Eric's despotic boss). Zimmerman's script is too obvious at times--naming Thomerson's character Dr. Moriarty after Sherlock Holmes's adversary, sticking Kerridge with the moniker Marilyn, and you just know as soon as a nagging Brent shows up in a wheelchair that she'll soon be bouncing down a staircase--and his climax, involving Eric's taking Marilyn hostage atop Mann's Chinese Theater, is both confusing and frustrating. Zimmerman's film is also an interesting look at the ways in which we can be influenced and even brainwashed by pop culture and the media, although Zimmerman eschews any sort of message in the second half in favor of gory thrills. Also with Gwynne Gilford, James Luisi, Morgan Paull, Marcie Barkin, John Steadman, Melinda Fee, and keep a sharp eye out for early appearances by Mickey Rourke (as one of Christopher's victims) and Peter Horton (THIRTYSOMETHING). Music by Craig Safan. From the director of THE UNHOLY ROLLERS.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11 (2004)--Directed by Michael Moore.  One of the most powerful films I've seen in awhile, Michael Moore's diatribe against the Bush administration left me angry, confused, saddened, frustrated, amused and fascinated.  Moore's critics, of course, accused the film of being packed with lies, but were mostly unable to name any specific untruths, possibly because so many who condemned the film never bothered to actually see it.  Moore does stack his deck on occasion, leading on his audience through innuendo and editing tricks that imply something that may or may not have happened.  But the most damaging evidence against President George W. Bush is found footage that could not have been faked by Moore, particularly the video of Bush learning about the 9/11 attacks while reading to schoolchildren in Florida and freezing with a frightened look on his face, unable to react or perform his duties as Commander-in-Chief.  It's chilling to see the most powerful man in the free world act--or not act--with such incompetence at a time when the intelligence, wisdom and cool decision-making of a good leader was needed as it had been at no more urgent time in American history.  Moore doesn't just slam the Bush presidency in his film, also taking on Congress, the so-called "liberal" media, Marine recruiters who target poorer and less educated teens and other targets.  As with his previous documentary, BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE, Moore's film is incendiary and thought-provoking, and that anyone would dare to call him un-American proves that many who call themselves true Americans have forgotten exactly what that means. 

FAIL-SAFE (1964)--Directed by Sidney Lumet. Stars Henry Fonda, Walter Matthau, Daniel O'Herlihy. A deadly serious version of Kubrick's DR. STRANGELOVE. When an American bomber pilot accidentally drops the bomb on Moscow, the President (Fonda) must decide whether or not to blow up New York City rather than risk nuclear retaliation by the Russians. A stark, frighteningly realistic look at nuclear warfare featuring a tough script and a strong performance by Fonda. Excellent cast includes Fritz Weaver, a young Dom DeLuise and a pre-JEANNIE Larry Hagman. A similar film, SEVEN DAYS IN MAY, was released the same year.

FAIR GAME (1986)—Directed by Mario Andreacchio. Stars Cassandra Delaney, Peter Ford, David Sandford, Garry Who. Australia’s version of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE meets THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. It’s a balls-to-the-wall revenge flick about three poachers in the Outback who terrorize Jessica (Delaney, who later married John Denver), a young woman running a wildlife preserve alone. The stalking and cruel pranks escalate to violent cat-and-mouse oneupsmanship that only one side will survive. It’s hard to believe no American studio picked up FAIR GAME for domestic release, because it’s a crowd-pleasing actioner with terrific stuntwork and sound.

The most effective supporting character is the hunters’ truck—a roaring, rumbling beast with big red lights that resembles a vehicle straight from Hell. It also plays a key role in what may be FAIR GAME’s most infamous scene, which writer Rob George may have cribbed from Cirio Santiago’s WHEELS OF FIRE, of all places. What happens when a non-violent nature lover is pushed too far is the satisfying denouement of this photogenic thriller featuring a strong female protagonist equally matched against three gun-toting males.

When Jessica finally pulls on a Rambo headband and lures her tormentors into jury-rigged boobytraps, I dare you to not cheer. Delaney, whose acting resume is scant, is quite capable of carrying the harrowing action on her supple shoulders. Ashley Irwin’s jangling score works the movie to a fever pitch. It threatens to go too far over the top, but never quite does, as Andreacchio’s pacing and the villains’ ruthlessness work with the music to keep the viewer on an uneven keel. The director’s first film seems strong enough to have inspired a celebrated career of thrillers, but Andreacchio fell into television and doesn’t appear to have topped his nerve-racking debut.

THE FALCON AND THE CO-EDS (1943)--Directed by William Clemens. Stars Tom Conway, Jean Brooks, Rita Corday, George Givot, Isabel Jewell. An all-girls school is the perfect milieu for urbane sleuth Tom Lawrence--the Falcon (Conway)--who pops into Bluecliff Academy to investigate the death of an English professor there. Suspicion lies upon beautiful Margarita (Corday), who is looked upon as a kook because of her alleged psychic powers. Other suspects include the icy drama coach (Brooks), the European physician (Givot) who signed a false death certificate and student Mary (Jewell), who lured the Falcon to Bluecliff in the first place. The supernatural aspect of the story goes nowhere, and not enough suspects are fully developed in the screenplay by Gerald Geraghty and Ardel Wray, but Conway is smooth as always, Clemens keeps things moving at a rapid clip, and the setting provides Conway with plenty of pretty faces to react to. Also with Amelita Ward, series regulars Cliff Clark and Ed Gargan, Barbara Brown, STRANGLER IN THE SWAMPs Rosemary LaPlanche, future Oscar winner Dorothy Malone and Ian Wolfe.

FALCON DOWN (2001)--Directed by Phillip Roth.  Stars Dale Midkiff, William Shatner.  Several years after his court martial for his involvement in the death of his friend on a flying mission, former Air Force pilot Hank (Midkiff) is recruited by the officer who drummed him out of the service, Major Carson (Shatner), to undertake a top-secret mission.  It seems the accident that caused Hank's partner's death was caused by a prototype weapon that uses microwave beams to cook its victims alive, bringing on blindness before death, and is attached to a super-secret jet called the Falcon.  Carson and his associates hire Hank to steal the Falcon from a U.S. Air Force base, but what Hank doesn't know is that Carson is a traitor who plans to sell the weapon to the Chinese for $10 billion.

FALCON DOWN shows signs of serious production problems.  The plot synopsis on the official Web site is completely different from the one in the film, and many scenes are bookended by shots that appear to belong to a different movie involving home video of conspiracy theorists attempting to prove a government cover-up of spaceships and aliens.  I have no idea what this has to do with the straight-ahead action plot of FALCON DOWN, except that I guess it pads the screen time to about ninety minutes.  Midkiff is a serviceable hero at best, but has to struggle with a storyline that forces him to act like a complete idiot to keep it going.  It's a surprise only to his character when Shatner's gang turns out to be villainous.  Some of the special effects are surprisingly good, but the routine plot, paint-by-numbers performances and dull action scenes keep this FALCON DOWN on the ground.  Also with Judd Nelson, Jennifer Rubin and Cliff Robertson.

THE FALCON IN HOLLYWOOD (1944)--Directed by Gordon Douglas. Stars Tom Conway, Barbara Hale, Veda Ann Borg. Suave amateur detective Tom Lawrence--Michael Arlens literary hero the Falcon--arrives in Hollywood for some rest and relaxation, only to find himself involved in the murder of a movie actor. There's no shortage of suspects: the costume designer to whom the actor was married, a tyrannical director, a beautiful young French starlet, a Shakespeare-quoting producer, even a New York gangster. Helping the Falcon solve the crime is a cute, wise-cracking cab driver (Borg) and a pair of bumbling cops. A better-than-average cast and good use of the RKO backlot make this entry one of the series's more entertaining ones. Also with Rita Corday, Sheldon Leonard, John Abbott, Jean Brooks, Emery Parnell, Frank Jenks and Robert Clarke.

THE FALCON IN SAN FRANCISCO (1945)--Directed by Joseph H. Lewis. Stars Tom Conway, Rita Corday, Edward Brophy, Sharyn Moffett, Fay Helm. On vacation, Tom Lawrence (Conway)--the Falcon--and his Brooklyn-born sidekick Goldie Locke (Brophy) meet cute with a little girl named Annie (Moffett) whose nurse has just been murdered. Accompanying Annie home, the Falcon is arrested for kidnapping, but bailed out of jail by a mysterious woman (Helm). Robert E. Kent and Ben Markson's screenplay then unfurls a labyrinthine plot involving silk smuggling, a steamship called the S.S. Citadel and an ex-bootlegger named Duke Monette. I didn't understand the plot the first time around, but Lewis's direction, while nothing fancy, at least moves quickly, and it's amusing to watch the urbane Conway giving young Annie a piggyback ride. Music by Paul Sawtell. Also with Robert Armstrong, Carl Kent, John Mylong and George Holmes. Gorgeous 21-year-old Corday (from Switzerland) appeared in five Conway Falcon flicks from 1943-46.

THE FALCON OUT WEST (1944)--Directed by William Clemens. Stars Tom Conway, Barbara Hale, Don Douglas. Entertaining if routine mystery featuring the Falcon (Conway) in Texas investigating the bizarre murder of a wealthy rancher who was killed by a rattlesnake--in a New York City nightclub! Also with Carole Gallagher, Joan Barclay, Lyle Talbot. Hale went on to TV stardom as Della Street on the PERRY MASON series. Keep a sharp eye out for an uncredited, non-speaking appearance by Lawrence Tierney as a bandleader!

THE FALCON STRIKES BACK (1943)--Directed by Edward Dmytryk.  Stars Tom Conway, Harriet Hilliard (Nelson), Jane Randolph, Cliff Edwards, Cliff Clark.  Conway returns as Michael Arlen's Falcon in this entertaining programmer, in which he is accused of a banker's murder and the theft of war bonds.  On the run from his archrival on the police force, Inspector Donovan (Clark), the Falcon and his sidekick Goldie (Edwards) follow the real killer's trail to a mountain lodge run by Gwynne Gregory (Hilliard, later to marry Ozzie Nelson).  The usual escapades occur, as Conway romances the ladies, pulls a con or two, and solves the mystery right underneath everyone's noses.  Also with Edgar Kennedy, Rita Corday, Edward Gargan and Frank Faylen.  From the director of CAPTIVE WILD WOMAN and THE CAINE MUTINY.

THE FALCON'S ALIBI (1946)--Directed by Ray McCarey.  Stars Tom Conway, Rita Corday.  Conway's next-to-last appearance as Michael Arlen's suave criminologist is not one of the series' best.  Once again, a beautiful young woman, this time Joan Meredith (Corday), secretary to a wealthy widow who enjoys betting the ponies, convinces the Falcon to become involved in a mystery.  A series of jewel thefts, including a string of the widow's pearls, is plaguing a local hotel, but the stakes are raised when a murder is committed--a killing for which the Falcon stands accused.  A loose plot and an uninteresting supporting cast help sink this middling RKO entry.  Conway's ninth and final film, THE FALCON'S ADVENTURE, was released later the same year.  The lovely Corday was Conway's leading lady in six Falcon movies, always as a different character.  Also with Vince Barnett, Elisha Cook Jr. as a jive-talking DJ, Jason Robards, Esther Howard and the gorgeous Jane Greer (OUT OF THE PAST) as a singer.  Only 61 minutes.

THE FALCON'S BROTHER (1943)--Directed by Stanley Logan. Stars George Sanders, Tom Conway, Jane Randolph, Don Barclay. After starring in three RKO programmers as Michael Arlen's literary detective Gay Lawrence--also known as the Falcon--while also appearing in a series of B-pictures based upon Leslie Charteris's The Saint, Sanders decided he had had enough sleuthing, and was ready to move up to greener Hollywood pastures. In a clever move, RKO promptly signed Sanders's real-life brother, Conway, to play the Falcon's brother, someone to whom Sanders could pass the torch.

THE FALCON'S BROTHER is not one of the series's best. The Falcon shows up at the docks to meet his brother Tom (Conway), who is shipping in from South America. A man is murdered in Tom's cabin--a man presumed to be Tom himself. Gay is the only one who realizes his brother is still alive, but is hit by a car and knocked into a coma before he can solve the mystery. Teaming up with his brother's dimwitted sidekick Lefty (Barclay), Tom digs into a convoluted plot involving a beautiful reporter (Randolph), a fashion show and Nazi assassins plotting to murder a South American dignitary from a church belfry.

The personal charms of both Sanders and Conway are about all this dismal entry has going for it. English actor Logan directs at a plodding pace, and the mostly unfamiliar supporting cast does little to distinguish it. Also with Cliff Clark, Edward Gargan, Charlotte Wynters, Keye Luke, Amanda Varela, George J. Lewis and James Newill. Music by Roy Webb. Conway went on to play the Falcon in nine more pictures, while his brother George earned a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for ALL ABOUT EVE.

FALLEN (1998)--Directed by Gregory Hoblit. Stars Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, Embeth Davidtz. Many Hollywood thrillers seem to exist only for one scene--usually a particular set piece or action sequence--and the rest of the screenplay is just loosely patchworked around it, regardless of whether it actually makes sense or not. Nicholas Kazan's screenplay for FALLEN has a final twist just like that--he probably thought up the ending first--but I thought it was clever and witty, and makes a second viewing essential.

The story is told in flashback as Philadelphia detective John Hobbes (Washington) leads up to "the time I almost died". Hobbes visits a serial killer he captured named Reese in his cell just before his execution in the gas chamber. Reese acts strangely, speaking in riddles and odd foreign languages. After his death, there's a strange point-of-view shot from the ceiling as...something...enters the body of one of Reese's executioners. What we know--and Hobbes later discovers--is that Reese was actually possessed by a centuries-old demon named Azazel, who can move from body to body through touch and is now obsessed with stalking Hobbes (for what purpose, I don't know). Hoblit, who made his feature directorial debut with PRIMAL FEAR (another crime drama with a twist ending) after Emmy-winning TV work, stages a pair of chilling scenes to show off Azazel's power: one on the street in which the demon jumps from body to body to demonstrate its threat to a startled Hobbes, and another where a woman is chased down a busy sidewalk.

FALLEN is basically structured like a crime drama with Hobbes and jovial partner Jonesy (Goodman) investigating a series of copycat killings exactly like the ones committed by Reese. Hobbes's investigation leads him to a cop's suicide thirty years earlier and to the cop's daughter Gretta (Davidtz), a theologian who helps him see the truth. Washington, who is very good as a regular family man (he lives with his brother and nephew) and honest cop who slowly begins to believe in demons, lends a not-so-detached narration, which sometimes feels heavy-handed but makes perfect sense in the context of the films climax. And then there's that ending, which will be furiously regarded by some audience members as a cheap trick, but it is logical (if wicked) and makes Washington's character even more heroic. Sutherland as Washington's boss is saddled with a poorly scripted character that seems to say one thing and do another most of the time--not because he's mysterious, but because Kazan doesn't seem to know what to do with a character that is usually just a cop-movie cliché. Also with James Gandolfini and Aida Turturro. Music by Tan Dun, who won an Oscar for his CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON score. You'll never listen to the Rolling Stones hit "Time Is On My Side" the same way again.

FALLEN KNIGHT (1998)--Directed by Jean-Marc Piche.  Stars Dolph Lundgren, Françoise Robertson.  The word "talky" should never be used to describe a Dolph Lundgren movie, but here we are.  The Anti-Christ is locked in the closet of an ornate temple in Jerusalem, where an army of machine gun-wielding Knights Templar guards him.  It's the Christmas season, 1999, and he's ready to come out of the closet (so to speak) and take over the world at the dawn of a new millennium.  Due to global warming, New York City is having a heatwave, a potentially interesting plot point that is completely ignored and was surely only introduced because Piche decided to make a movie set in December during the summer.

Two sewer workers discover an ancient burial ground beneath the subway.  You'll be surprised to hear that the New York City utility companies keep an archeologist on call (!), so lovely Karen Goodleaf (Robertson) is summoned to sift through the bones.  She discovers the skeleton of a 6th-century Knight Templar, as well as a large gold key.  She also meets Lukas (Lundgren), a modern day Knight Templar, who saves her from an attack by one of Satan's minions, who has learned about the key and will stop at nothing to retrieve it in order to release his master from his prison.  That's right--the key will open the lock in Jerusalem, but only if used during a brief window of time every 1000 years, and with New Year's Eve 1999 right around the corner, it's do-or-die time for Lukas and the universe as we know it.  That is, unless Lukas and Karen can make it on time to the Native American reservation where she was reared and drop the key into a nuclear waste dump (!), where no one could ever retrieve it.

The minion (this movie was originally shot and released as THE MINION) has the ability a la THE HIDDEN to possess human bodies, allowing him to leap from one victim to the next after death.  The only way a host can be killed is by a blow to the base of the skull, so Father Dolph traipses around Montreal-masquerading-as-New York with a heavy spiked gauntlet, all the better to slam evil in the back of the head (in one hilarious scene, Dolph whacks a possessed policewoman, only to find her tumbling ass-over-tea kettle through a window that was nowhere to be seen in the previous shot).

Like many of Lundgren's Canadian-lensed features, FALLEN KNIGHT is mostly a bore.  It's possible he knew it too, since he doesn't appear to have been present for much of the shoot.  A lot of shots involving his character are obviously being performed by doubles, including one martial arts fight in which he wears a bulky contamination suit to cover his features.  As a priest, he's only slightly more convincing than Robertson is as a scientist, and together they strike no sparks romantically, comedically or dramatically.  Acting by the supporting cast is on the same level as a video game, the screenplay is bereft of logic or thrills, and Piche, making his feature directorial debut, fails to bring anything to the table in terms of original style or pacing.  Even the few-and-far-between action scenes consist of the same old slow kicks and rat-a-tat gun battles we've seen a thousand times.

The video box for FALLEN KNIGHT says, "In the tradition of HIGHLANDER."  If they mean, "In the tradition of ponderous, pretentiously lit French co-productions," I'd say there's truth in advertising there.  Also with Don Francks, David Nerman, Roc LaFortune and Jean-Marc Bisson.  The crummy score is credited to Jean Corriveau.  Filmed in Montreal with some second-unit shooting in New York and Jerusalem.  FALLEN KNIGHT is the Canadian title only; in the United States, it is known as THE MINION.  It also saw release as KNIGHTS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

FALLGUY (1962)—Directed by Donn Harling.  Stars Ed Dugan, George Mitchell, Louis Gartner, Don Alderette, Madeline Frances.  This dreadful noir was produced independently by its director and released through his company, Harling Productions.  Harling and most of his cast appear to have not worked in any other films, which isn’t exactly the news of the century once you’ve seen FALLGUY.  A newspaper editor, a chief of detectives and a physician run the local Syndicate, though they don’t look like they could run a hot dog stand.  They put out a hit on another mobster, “King” Monarch, and frame a teenager, Sonny Martin (Dugan), for the murder. 

At 61 minutes, FALLGUY is still too long.  It’s stupid and implausible (no one would ever believe the circumstantial evidence against Sonny, and I can’t determine if the whole police department is dirty or just dim) and mindlessly helmed by Harling, whose inept blocking, pacing and camera placement explains why he had to hire himself to direct, ‘cause no one else ever would have.  The sole bright spot is Jaime Mendoza-Nava’s score.  I doubt he ever saw the movie, because his cool jazz is just lathered behind every scene, whether it calls for music or not.  The Bolivian composer’s career was providing good scores for bad movies, and FALLGUY was one of his first.

THE FAMILY--See VIOLENT CITY.

THE FAMILY JEWELS (1965)--Directed by Jerry Lewis. Stars Jerry Lewis, Donna Butterworth, Sebastian Cabot. Jerry plays seven--count 'em, seven--roles in this typical Lewis offering. A little girl (Butterworth) is the heir to a massive fortune, but must decide which of her seven uncles should serve as her guardian. No prizes for guessing who plays her uncles.

THE FAMILY MAN (2000)--Directed by Brett Ratner. Stars Nicolas Cage, Tea Leoni, Don Cheadle, Jeremy Piven, Josef Sommer. Here's another ripoff of ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE, this time casting Everyman Cage as Jack Campbell, a Wall Street financier with tons of money, supermodel sex partners, a roomy corner office, and so little concern for his fellow human beings that he thinks nothing of demanding his employees come in on Christmas Day in order to lock down an impending merger. Stopping off at a liquor store late on Christmas Eve, Jack encounters a holdup man (Cheadle) who somehow manages to give Jack a look at what his life could have been like if he had married his college sweetheart Kate (Leoni) instead of moving to London to hone his financial skills.

It's hard to take seriously any film released by a Hollywood studio that turns its nose at capitalism; Universal, after all, is just a small part of a huge conglomerate, as are all the major movie studios. I'm not a fan of rich people myself, but THE FAMILY MAN would have us believe that it's better to be a tire salesman with a mortgage and two small children in Jersey than to wear $3000 suits and sleep with models in Manhattan. Still, Cage and Leoni are a sweet couple--in fact, this is probably Leoni's best showcase since her little-seen sitcom FLYING BLIND on Fox a few years back--and Ratner, best known for teaming Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in RUSH HOUR, manages to wring a few laughs, if not much style, from a well-worn premise. Another criticism, a frequent one coming from me: not enough Jeremy Piven!

Also with Harve Presnell, Saul Rubinek, Mary Beth Hurt, Amber Valletta, Kate Walsh, Robert Downey and vivacious redhead Francine York, fondly remembered by exploitation-movie fans from THE CENTERFOLD GIRLS, DOLL SQUAD, CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE, MUTINY IN OUTER SPACE and numerous Jerry Lewis vehicles. Music by Danny Elfman.

FAMILY PLOT (1976)—Directed by Alfred Hitchcock.  Stars Barbara Harris, Bruce Dern, William Devane, Karen Black.  A phony spiritualist (Harris) and her cab driver boyfriend (Dern) attempt to find the missing heir to a wealthy old woman’s fortune.  The heir (Devane), a jewel thief who commits kidnappings with his wife (Black), doesn’t know about the inheritance, but tries to avoid discovery, so he won’t be connected to the murder of his parents in the house fire in which he also faked his own death.  Ernest Lehman’s twisty screenplay and John Williams’ score add class to Hitch’s light mystery, his 54th and final feature.  Use of process shots for driving scenes and off-screen explosions in place of special effects are overly old-fashioned by ‘70s standards.  I wonder what Devane’s Cheshire grin looks like on the big screen.  He replaced Roy Thinnes, who can apparently still be seen in long shots.  Also with Cathleen Nesbitt, Ed Lauter, Katherine Helmond, Marge Redmond, Charles Tyner, William Prince, Alan Fudge, Nicholas Colasanto and Edith Atwater.  Hitchcock appears as a silhouette behind a door.

THE FAN (1981)--Directed by Edward Bianchi.  Stars Lauren Bacall, James Garner, Maureen Stapleton, Hector Elizondo, Michael Biehn.  When the Paramount logo goes down, and names like Lauren Bacall, James Garner, Maureen Stapleton, Marvin Hamlisch and Tim Rice pop on screen, backed by a rich Pino Donaggio score, the last thing you expect to follow is a slasher flick. But that's exactly what you get in THE FAN, which also stars Hector Elizondo and a young Michael Biehn as "The Fan" and small, early roles for Dana Delany (CHINA BEACH), Dwight Schultz (THE A-TEAM) and Griffin Dunne (AFTER HOURS). 

Bacall, who was in her 50s, stars as Sally Ross, a famous actress making her Broadway musical debut. Garner, three years younger and looking ten, is her ex-husband, movie actor Jake Berman, who adds little to the film besides Garner's marquee value (THE ROCKFORD FILES had just gone off the air the year before). Biehn (THE TERMINATOR) plays an obsessed fan who objects to the form letters sent by Bacall's secretary (4-time Oscar nominee Stapleton) in reply to his fan letters, so he starts slashing the star's loved ones with a razor. There's no more to the plot than that, as the investigating detective played by Elizondo doesn't seem to be working very hard to find the killer. Director Bianchi isn't interested in the investigation anyway, choosing to show the action from Bacall's point of view as an insecure but not egotistical star at a crossroads in her professional and personal lives who seems to be barely disturbed by the murderer in her life. Ah, but the show must go on. 

I can't imagine for whom Paramount made THE FAN. With its 50-something stars and classy demeanor, it's a sure bet no young people or horror fans would be excited by it, and Bacall and Garner's fans probably registered shock at the gory killings. It also came out about five months after John Lennon's murder, which probably added an air of exploitation during its initial release. I've heard that some of the bloody footage was added during a troubled post-production, but to no avail, as THE FAN remains a pretty lifeless thriller. It does sport a shiny veneer, thanks to the above-it-all cast and slick production values. Bianchi is no hack either, shooting some of the suspenseful stuff with a slowly moving camera like a voyeur. He didn't make another film for ten years, even though I think he showed some talent. 

It's easy, I suppose, to understand why Bacall wanted to be in his film--she hadn't starred in one in years--but it's hard to fathom why Garner, who dollars to donuts despised the subject matter, is here. He and Bacall were friendly (she guest-starred on ROCKFORD, as did Elizondo), so perhaps she dragged him along for support. He doesn't get to be very "Garnery", and his part has all the earmarks of a personal favor.  Bacall also got to croon a few showtunes, even though she demonstrates little talent as a singer or dancer, and we just have to take the word of the film's characters that she's good at it.

FANBOYS (2009)—Directed by Kyle Newman. Stars Sam Huntington, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel, Chris Marquette, Kristen Bell, Seth Rogen, Ethan Suplee. The Weinstein Company sat on this love letter to STAR WARS for three years before dishing it out on DVD. Set in 1998, six months before the long-awaited premiere of THE PHANTOM MENACE, FANBOYS follows four Star Wars fans who journey from Ohio to the Skywalker Ranch to steal a 35mm print of the movie. One is a fat, obnoxious ripoff of Jack Black and Curtis Armstrong played by a very bad actor named Dan Fogler, who makes this road comedy a chore to sit through. On the other hand, the delectable Kristen Bell wears the Leia slave girl bikini from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

Stops include Iowa to beat up some STAR TREK fans (including a funny—and unrecognizable—Rogen), Texas for guidance from Ain’t It Cool News guru Harry Knowles (Suplee), and a desert jailhouse run by a judge named Reinhold (ho ho). That the judge is played by Billy Dee Williams, but no one notices his resemblance to Lando Calrissian is one of many missed opportunities in this lazy jumble. With Christopher McDonald, Carrie Fisher, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Joe LoTruglio, Danny Trejo, Craig Robinson, Jaime King, Will Forte, Ray Park, and William Shatner. During the troubled post-production, William Katt’s scenes as George Lucas’ security chief were reshot with Danny McBride (TROPIC THUNDER).

FANDANGO (1985)--Directed by Kevin Reynolds. Stars Kevin Costner, Sam Robards, Judd Nelson, Chuck Bush, Brian Cesak. First feature by director Reynolds was also buddy Costner's first leading role. Five college buddies road-trip across Texas before officially entering life in the real world. Funny and poignant with a few hilarious set pieces; Nelson's skydiving scene is one of the best. Executive producer was Steven Spielberg, who enjoyed Reynolds's short film enough to expand it into this feature. Reynolds and Costner teamed again for ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES and WATERWORLD.

FANTASIA/2000 (1999)--Directed by James Algar, Gaetan Brizzi, Paul Brizzi, Hendel Butoy, Francis Glebas, Eric Goldberg, Don Hahn, Pixote Hunt. Stars Steve Martin, Itzhak Perlman, Quincy Jones, Bette Midler, James Earl Jones, Penn & Teller, Angela Lansbury. Sixty years after visionary Walt Disney attempted to introduce classical music to the masses in a colorful extravaganza that was psychedelic before psychedelic even existed, Walt's nephew Roy Disney has resurrected the original concept, creating seven new segments and dusting off the original's best vignette, "Sorcerer's Apprentice", in which Mickey Mouse delightfully spars with a magical broomstick. Mixing traditional animation, computer effects, old-fashioned line drawing and Japanese-influenced anime, cinema's equivalent of planetarium laser shows--but with better music--has its share of peaks and valleys, and whether or not you enjoy it depends upon your tolerance for kaleidoscopic displays of pomp.

Not surprisingly, "Sorcerer's Apprentice" remains the highlight, but of the new routines, only a couple--yo-yoing flamingos set to Camille Saint-Saen's "The Carnival of the Animals" and Respighi's "Pines of Rome" featuring flying whales--are really disappointing. Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue", which showcases a Depression-era New York City with figures inspired by the drawings of noted caricaturist Al Hirschfeld, is neat, but it's too grounded in reality, and doesn't fit in with the other more fantastic pieces. I liked the adaptation of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" the best, in which a toy soldier battles a sinister jack-in-the-box for the hand of a beautiful ballerina to the strains of Shostakovich's Piano Concerto No. 2. Young children might get a kick out of "Pomp and Circumstance", which showcases Donald Duck on Noah's Ark, while perhaps the most familiar piece, Beethoven's Fifth, is played behind some garish animated butterflies. The finale, drawn from Stravinsky's "The Firebird", is an obvious tribute to Japanese animation, and tells a hearttugging story of a Tinker Bell-ish sprite fending against a fiery demon that has destroyed her forest.

The lamest bits are the live-action introductions to each segment, in which stars like Steve Martin, Bette Midler, James Earl Jones, Angela Lansbury, Itzhak Perlman and Quincy Jones tell us what were about to see or--in Midler's case--what was left on the cutting room floor. These do nothing but slow the picture down, and only Martin and Penn & Teller are the least bit entertaining.

FANTASIA/2000 was originally released in the giant-size IMAX format. While the original FANTASIA received a brief resurgence in popularity in the '60s--reportedly because of college students under the influence of hallucinogens who would lie on the theater floor in order to let the garish images flow over them--FANTASIA/2000 simply remains a pleasant companion piece to the original classic.

THE FANTASTIC ARGOMAN (1967)--Directed by Sergio Grieco.  Stars Roger Browne, Dominique Boschero, Dick Palmer.  Following in the heels of THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN and the SUPERARGO series is this spoofy spy flick, which stars Browne as an English fop named Sir Reginald Hoover, as well as his alter ego Argoman, a masked superhero in yellow tights who uses telekinesis to battle crime.  Argoman, when not on a mission for some governmental law enforcement agency, supplements his substantial income by robbing valuable jewels and paintings, allowing him to afford a swanky oceanside estate filled with remote-control gadgetry.  He becomes reluctantly involved when Jenibell (Boschero), self-proclaimed "Queen of the World", robs a large diamond capable of fueling a cosmic ray that, among other things, can create robot duplicates of the world's major political figures.  Sir Reginald, who seems more concerned with bedding beautiful ladies than saving the world (here's a tough break--every time he has sex, he loses his superpowers for a period of six hours!), tumbles for Jenibell in a big way, using his telekinetic powers to levitate her out of a roaring hovercraft and into his lap (!), but manages to get the job done.  I found Argoman to be too smug and smirky for my tastes, and unfortunately Sir Reginald gets more screen time than his costumed alter ego.  The action does heat up down the stretch, but not enough to recommend the movie as anything other than fluffy laughs.  ARGOMAN does have plenty of sexist, ridiculous and downright unbelievable moments to be worth a look, but I prefer more action in my superhero movies.  Golden Eagle reportedly released it in the U.S. as HOW TO STEAL THE CROWN OF ENGLAND, but my English-dubbed copy is titled THE FANTASTIC ARGOMAN.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)--Directed by Oley Sassone.  Stars Alex Hyde-White, Rebecca Staab, Jay Underwood, Michael Bailey Smith, Joseph Culp.  One of the most infamous and obscure superhero movies has never been released theatrically or on home video.  This cheap adaptation of the legendary Marvel Comics characters created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby is more interesting for what happened behind the scenes, rather than for what's on screen.  Bernd Eichinger, the German producer who owned the film rights to the Marvel characters, was on the verge of losing his option unless he could prove he was in pre-production on the film.  So he and New Horizons head Roger Corman quickly put together this low-budget feature--not to release it, but just to hold on to the legal rights to make a bigger picture later.  The cast and crew were unaware of the backstage machinations.

The result of it all is an underwhelming recap of the Fantastic Four's origin, as first told in 1962's FANTASTIC FOUR #1.  Graduate students Reed Richards (Hyde-White) and Victor Von Doom (Culp) attempt to harvest the energy from a space cloud called Colossus, but an accident occurs and Victor is killed.  A decade later, Colossus returns to our solar system, and Reed once again attempts to contact it, this time by flying into outer space in a rocket he built.  Along for the ride are his pilot and best friend, Ben Grimm (Smith), and his landlady's kids, Sue (Staab) and Johnny Storm (Underwood).  Another accident (Reed doesn't have the best luck) exposes the foursome to cosmic rays that transform them into mutants with special abilities.  Sue can turn invisible, Reed has the ability to stretch his limbs, Johnny can fly and burst into flame, and Ben becomes an orange rock creature with superhuman strength.

It turns out the rocket explosion was no accident after all.  It was caused by Victor, who didn't die in the accident, but was instead scarred horribly physically and emotionally.  Now an insane megalomaniac clad head to toe in armor and a green cloak, Doctor Doom plans to kidnap the Fantastic Four and use his scientific genius to extract the Colossus radiation from their bodies.  To guarantee the heroes' cooperation, Doom threatens to blast New York City with a giant laser beam if they don't comply.

Considering Corman only gave Sassone less than $2 million to spend, THE FANTASTIC FOUR could have been a lot worse.  Craig Nevius and Kevin Rock get a lot of things right in their screenplay, including a decent amount of humor and a ripe, albeit clichéd, plot worthy of a four-color issue.  Unfortunately, there's also much wrong with the script, especially a dull subplot involving a secondary villain called the Jeweler who lives underground and kidnaps Ben's girlfriend, a blind sculptor named Alicia Masters.  Casting isn't bad, again considering Sassone was unable to afford top-of-the-line talent.  Hyde-White is a little young (and the White-Out in his hair doesn't fool anyone into thinking he's more mature), but the rest of the leads are earnest and reasonably look the parts.  Culp overdoes the broad gestures when performing inside the suit, but his voicework is pure comic-book Doom.

Technical credits are pretty much the pits.  Childish animation takes up much of the climax when Johnny outraces the laser beam (yes, he apparently can fly faster than the speed of light...whatever), Reed's stretching effects are pitifully unconvincing, and the bare sets contain only minimum dressing.  Eric and David Wurst's score attempts to punch up the action, but when said "action" merely consists of Ben Grimm throwing a couple of punches and Sue turning invisible, fooling a pair of stooges into running into each other and knocking themselves out, well, it's hard to put earrings on this pig.

THE FANTASTIC INVASION OF PLANET EARTH (1966)--Directed by Arch Oboler. Stars Michael Cole, Deborah Walley, Johnny Desmond. Original title: THE BUBBLE. Pilot Desmond and newlyweds Cole and Walley find themselves trapped in a small strange town enclosed in a giant plastic bubble. Bizarre low-budget science fiction film has bad acting and silly special effects. It does contain some original offbeat ideas however. Originally released in 3-D. Cole joined THE MOD SQUAD two years later.

FANTASTIC VOYAGE (1966)--Directed by Richard Fleischer. Stars Stephen Boyd, Donald Pleasence, Raquel Welch, Arthur Kennedy, Edmond O'Brien, Arthur O'Connell, William Redfield. I loved this colorful science-fiction movie as a kid, but it hasn't held up so well in adulthood. It's the story of five doctors who are shrunk to microscopic size and injected into the body of a dying scientist. They have an hour to travel through his bloodstream in a tiny submarine, and destroy a blood clot in his brain with a laser beam. Visual effects by L.B. Abbott and Art Cruickshank won an Oscar. Raquel (looking great in a tight white bodysuit) gets attacked by white corpuscles. Look for James Brolin in a small part. From the director of RED SONJA.

FAREWELL TO THE PLANET OF THE APES (1974)--Directed by Arnold Laven & John Meredyth Lucas. Stars Ron Harper, James Naughton, Roddy McDowall, Booth Colman, Mark Lenard. This TV-movie derived from two episodes of the CBS-TV series stars Harper and Naughton as a pair of astronauts stranded on a future Earth ruled by apes in the year 3085. Pursued by an ape government that wants to capture and study them, astronauts Virdon and Burke, accompanied by friendly chimpanzee Galen (McDowall, who was also in four of the five theatrical APE films), are betrayed by humans who sell them as slaves to apes; later they help build an airplane with which to attack the gorilla council, led by brutal military head General Urko (Lenard). Also with John Ireland, Jennifer Ashley, Joanna Barnes, Frank Aletter and Martin E. Brooks. Teleplay by Howard Dimsdale and Arthur Brown Jr. Theme by Lalo Schifrin.

FARGO (1996)--Directed by Joel Coen. Stars Frances McDormand, William H. Macy, Steve Buscemi, Harve Presnell. One of the best films of '96, this offbeat black comedy features a terrific Oscar-winning performance by McDormand, wife of director/co-writer Coen. She plays Marge, the sheriff of a small, backwoods Minnesota town who also happens to be seven months pregnant. She finds herself drawn into the case, when sleazy used-car dealer Macy, in debt to up to his eyeballs, hires a couple of bad guys to kidnap his wife so he can collect the ransom from his wealthy father-in-law (Presnell in his first film since PAINT YOUR WAGON). The crime isn't really what propels the plot; it's all about the characters and the way they talk and the way they act in unusual situations. Director Coen and his brother partner Ethan (who's credited as co-writer/producer, but in actuality, the two Coens do everything together) have made some terrific films, such as BLOOD SIMPLE and THE HUDSUCKER PROXY. This one may be their best yet. Cult fans: look for a quick glimpse of a young Bruce Campbell on a snowy television screen.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (2001)--Directed by Rob Cohen. Stars Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Ted Levine. In 1954, B-movie legend Roger Corman wrote and produced an auto-racing potboiler called THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, which starred John Ireland as a racer on the run from the law. It became the first feature to be released by Samuel Z. Arkoff and James H. Nicholson's fledgling American Releasing Corporation, which soon became American-International Pictures, arguably the most important and successful independent movie company ever. Universal's racing thriller of the same name is not a remake and isn't as important as the first film, but produces enough sound and fury to almost make you forget how knuckleheaded it is.

Bland, blond-headed pretty boy Walker (who was in Cohen's THE SKULLS) plays bland, blond-headed pretty boy Brian, an undercover police officer investigating a series of truck hijackings performed by a trio of souped-up Honda Civics. His superiors, including Sgt. Tanner (Levine), suspect ex-con Dominic Toretto (Diesel), who served two years in prison for beating the man who accidentally killed his father nearly to death. Dom is the BMOC among the illegal street racing set, so Brian, armed with an $80,000 automobile, ingratiates himself with Dom and his posse, which includes Dom's feisty girlfriend Letty (Rodriguez) and his smoldering sis Mia (Brewster). If you've seen POINT BREAK or nearly every other movie about a young undercover agent who befriends a charismatic criminal, you already know that Brian begins having second thoughts about turning Dom in and sexual thoughts about his target's lovely sister.

For a supposed young officer on the rise in the department, Brian doesn't do much investigating. The hole-ridden screenplay tries to help him out by tossing several ludicrous red herrings his direction (like another character who just happens to have three souped-up Honda Civics and another who just happens to have a garage full of Panasonic DVD players, the same model swiped by the hijackers), but, since it's obvious Diesel is the ringleader, these contrivances lead nowhere. A lot of extraneous plot threads and characters lead nowhere, but Cohen (DAYLIGHT) hopes we'll be too distracted to notice.

You know what? He might be right. F&F has more hot cars, revving engines and jittery racing scenes than any other film in recent memory. Spectacular stunts and zooming racers dominate the action, although Cohen makes sure to throw in a few machine guns and fistfights to keep the more traditional action audiences transfixed. While most of the race scenes are claustrophobically filmed by shaking the camera and paying more visual attention to whats happening inside the car than out, a pair of exciting chases in the final half-hour almost make up for them.

Diesel, after his leading turn in last year's PITCH BLACK, has already shown he can hold the screen. Whether he can actually act or not is an issue that'll have to be resolved in the future. All he does here is glower, flex his massive arms and mumble menacingly with that great baritone of his (he voiced THE IRON GIANT in 1999). That's much more than Walker is capable of, and, since Rodriguez (GIRLFIGHT) and Brewster (THE FACULTY) are only required to serve as window dressing, they handle the task very well in their belly shirts and tiny skirts.

Also with Thom Berry, Rick Yune (SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS), Matt Schulze, Chad Lindberg (in the Giovanni Ribisi role), Johnny Strong and rapper Ja Rule, who provides some soundtrack tunes. BT, who also scored DRIVEN and GONE IN 60 SECONDS, provides the ear-bleeding music.

FAST COMPANY (1979)--Directed by David Cronenberg.  Stars William Smith, John Saxon, Nicholas Campbell.  This early and obscure drag-racing movie directed by Cronenberg is unlike almost everything else he's made.  It's a straightforward genre piece with a solid exploitation cast and A-TEAM plot.  Which is not to say that it isn't a good movie, because it is.  Smith plays Lonnie "Lucky Man" Johnson, a veteran drag racer on the circuit in the Pacific Northwest and Western Canada.  His team includes rookie funny car driver Billy (Campbell) and two mechanics.  Their sponsor is Fast Company (or "FastCo"), a motor oil company represented by corrupt promoter Phil Adamson (Saxon).  Trouble ensues when Lonnie, who travels in a custom-built semi complete with bed, bar and telephone, becomes too independent for FastCo's own good, causing Adamson to replace him with a rival driver, a sinister move that leads to theft and murder.

Although Cronenberg's passion for racing is evident in his documentary-style approach to the seedy underbelly of the sport, FAST COMPANY never quite makes the leap from drive-in movie to straight drama.  Perhaps it's his portrayal of the heavies, which seem a bit too eager to turn murderous in the pursuit of their dream, or just the simplistic symbolism involved with Lonnie's rival, who's not only named "Black", but dresses in black and employs mechanics with long hair and beards, as opposed to Johnson's red-white-and-blue rig and clean-cut crew.  Still, the behind-the-scenes glimpses are frequently fascinating, especially a drag race filmed from the driver's point of view with a clock superimposed in the picture.  Smith and Saxon easily carry the picture on their shoulders, as they've done many times in their careers.  Few Cronenberg fans seem to have seen FAST COMPANY, and although it more closely resembles something that would play Southern drive-ins than the arthouse films he's identified with, it may be a more personal project than you'd think.  It was also the final film of cult actress Claudia Jennings, who ironically died in a car crash.  Also with Don Francks, Judy Foster, Cedric Smith and Robert Haley.  Songs performed by Michael Stanley and Fred Mollin.  Filmed in Alberta, Canada.

FAST GUN (1987)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.  Stars Rick Hill, Robert Dryer, Ken Metcalfe.  Norman Rockwell would have freaked if he had ever seen Santiago's depiction of a small California town.  The set designers and builders found a very short stretch of dirt road in some park in the Philippines, and erected very unconvincing plywood facades intended to represent Main Street.  The windows are made from white cardboard, rather than glass.  Santiago also sets too much of the film there, allowing us to get a good look at his laughable town.  At least he blows it all up at the end.  I lost track of the story long before that.  All you need to know is that an army of arms thieves led by Dryer (SAVAGE STREETS) are hiding out near a quiet town where former Los Angeles cop Hill (DEATHSTALKER) is the sheriff.  As ludicrous as the rest of the film is, nothing is sillier than the end, where Hill fires a trio of shots from his Colt at a large airplane, causing it to blow up on the runway.  Inept filmmaking makes for huge laughs in this 75-minute timewaster from the director of COVER GIRL MODELS.  Hill later co-wrote Pete Rose's autobiography.  Also with a blond Brenda Bakke, Kaz Garas and Morgan Strickland.