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DOLLMAN (1991)--Directed by Albert Pyun.
Stars Tim Thomerson, Jackie Earle Haley, Kamala Lopez, Frank Collinson. Full Moon’s Charles Band attempted to
start another successful SF franchise with Tim Thomerson, whose TRANCERS played theatrically as FUTURE COP and made a ton
of money on home video. In this low-budget movie with gore, Thomerson is tough cop Brick Bardo, the Dirty Harry of the
planet Arturos. On suspension for using excessive force, Bardo trails an archenemy, a hideous floating head named Sprug
(Collinson), into outer space and all the way to the South Bronx, where he discovers Earth’s population is six times
his size. If you’re a fan of movies like ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE or Irwin Allen’s LAND OF THE GIANTS
TV show, you might get a kick out of watching a 13-inch Thomerson blowing away normal-sized bad guys with a super pistol that
literally blows its victims away on Arturos. Pyun tries to add some social commentary (unusual for Band) by getting
Brick involved with a young Hispanic single mother (Lopez) and her struggles with a gang led by Braxton (Haley). The
effects are not that great and Pyun’s pacing is somewhat glacial, but some gore effects and Thomerson’s always
appealing presence adds some fun. As usual, Band adds extra-long credits to pad the film to feature length. The
character returned in DOLLMAN VS. THE DEMONIC TOYS, which is ten minutes shorter! Decent score by Tony Riperetti.
From the director of CAPTAIN AMERICA.
DOLLMAN VS. THE DEMONIC TOYS (1993)--Directed
by Charles Band. Stars Tim Thomerson, Tracy Scoggins, Melissa Behr. Thomerson reprises his DOLLMAN role as thirteen-inch-tall
extraterrestrial cop Brick Bardo. He teams up with a gorgeous but equally diminutive blonde (Behr) and a regular-sized maverick
lady cop (Scoggins) to battle toys that come to life and kill people in order to serve a demon from Hell. Film's highlight
has to be Thomerson trussed up and tied to a pair of remote-controlled trucks moving in opposite directions. Behr looks good
in various states of undress, but it's hard to imagine the audience for whom this was made. It's too silly to appeal to adults,
but displays too much bad taste for kids to be able to watch it. Only 64 minutes long, at least ten minutes of which is taken
up by credits and stock footage from previous Full Moon films. Songs by Quiet Riot. This has got to be the first film ever
to serve as a sequel to no fewer than three (!) previous pics (DOLLMAN, DEMONIC TOYS and BAD CHANNELS).
DOLLS (1987)--Directed by Stuart Gordon.
Stars Guy Rolfe, Stephen Lee, Hilary Mason, Carrie Lorraine. After the Grand Guignol excess of Gordon's first two features,
RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND, DOLLS seems disappointingly tame. It's well-made with good special effects, but the premise
of killer dolls just isn't a very scary one, I'm afraid. Travelers on an English country road during a thunderstorm
turn up at the remote castle of a kindly elderly couple, Gabriel (Rolfe) and Hilary (Mason) Hartwicke. Gabriel is a
toymaker who specializes in one-of-a-kind dolls, not just because each is handmade, but because they are imbued with magic
that causes them to come alive and slaughter adults. A little girl (Lorraine), her wicked parents, two obnoxious punker
chicks, and child-like American Ralph (Lee) are among the list of potential victims. Writer Ed Naha manages to fit in
a message about holding on to your innocence that adds some emotional weight to the climax. It takes too long for the
doll attacks to begin, a problem Gordon surely recognized, since a gory dream sequence early on feels like the product of
a re-shoot. The dolls are variously manipulated through puppetry, animatronics, rear projection and stop-motion, and
are pretty convincing. Also with Carolyn Purdy-Gordon, Ian Patrick Williams, Cassie Stuart and Bunty Bailey. Filmed
in Italy.
DOMINION (1994)--Directed by Michael Kehoe. Stars Brad Johnson, Tim Thomerson, Brion
James, Woody Brown, Geoffrey Blake. Believe it or not, it's still another version of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. This time Johnson
(looking and sounding a lot like Tom Berenger) is the leader of six hunters being stalked in the forest by an unhinged recluse
(James) who's commemorating the one-year anniversary of his son's fatal hunting accident by slaughtering as many gun-toters
as possible. Not even the always welcome Thomerson (who does a pretty good John Wayne impression in one scene) and James can
liven this one up. Also suffers from an anti-climactic and unsatisfying ending. Brown, who plays Cully, also served as co-writer
and co-associate producer.
THE DOMINO PRINCIPLE (1977)--Directed by Stanley Kramer. Stars Gene Hackman,
Candice Bergen, Richard Widmark, Mickey Rooney. The final film produced and directed by the gifted maker of THE DEFIANT ONES,
INHERIT THE WIND, ON THE BEACH and IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD was this confusing post-Watergate thriller based upon a
novel by actor Adam Kennedy, a regular in the TV series THE CALIFORNIANS and THE DOCTORS. Kennedy also penned the screenplay,
which stars Hackman as convicted murderer Roy Tucker, who is approached in prison by a shady white-haired gentleman, Tagge
(Widmark), who has questions about Roy's conviction and his war record in Vietnam. It's evident that Tagge works for a hush-hush
government agency with lots of pull, and he's able to secure Roy's release from prison--even setting him up in a beachside
South American estate with his white-trash wife Ellie (Bergen). Not that Tagge and his cronies are "nice guys"--they don't
hesitate to murder anyone who "knows too much" about their plan, including Roy's cellmate and lawyer. Growing more restless
at being left out of the loop and angry at being manipulated, Roy attempts to escape, only to realize that he's still as much
of a prisoner as he was in San Quentin.
To Kramer and Kennedy's credit, we remain as unclear as Hackman's character
as to what he's being used for, although from their questions it seems evident that he's to be used in some sort of assassination
attempt. To their discredit is the movie's languid pace and cloudy character development. The first half-hour is genuinely
provoking, as Widmark and Company slowly put their hooks into Hackman, getting him excited about the thought of seeing his
wife again. After he leaves prison, however, DOMINO starts to tumble. His potentially interesting relationship with an older
cellmate (Rooney) isn't developed very well, and Rooney's involvement in the conspiracy doesn't pack the wallop it should
have. The introduction of Bergen, miscast as a simple West Virginian housewife and sporting an awful hairdo, drags the film
down further, with a soft-focus romantic love scene between her and Hackman its lowest point. The final reel picks up a bit,
as a vengeful Hackman goes on a bloody prowl and Kramer throws in a downbeat ending cribbed from GET CARTER, but it's too
little too late.
Also with Edward Albert, Eli Wallach, Ted Gehring, Ken Swofford, Jay Novello, Joseph Perry, SHE-BEAST's
Claire Brennen, Neva Patterson and Majel Barrett. Hackman and Bergen previously acted together in BITE THE BULLET. Music by
Billy Goldenberg. Kramer directed one more film, THE RUNNER STUMBLES starring Dick Van Dyke as an alcoholic priest. He died
of pneumonia in February 2001.
DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE! (1980)--Directed by Robert Hammer.
Stars James Westmoreland, Ben Frank, Nicholas Worth, Flo Gerrish. Highly recommended, if only for Worth’s lip-smacking,
eye-rolling performance as a middle-aged, balding, weight-lifting porn photographer who rapes and strangles women in Hollywood.
Worth is all over the map, alternately cursing, giggling, crying and ranting as he attacks women to earn the “respect”
of his late stepfather. He also impersonates a Mexican named Ramon, and uses an accent to phone a radio shrink (Gerrish).
Westmoreland and Frank (DEATH WISH II) are the obnoxious detectives assigned to the case. You’re unlikely to find
a movie hero who’s a bigger asshole than Westmoreland’s cop. Worth, who still works in both studio releases
(BARB WIRE) and television (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE), easily ranks up there with the nuttiest movie psychos, and must have
had a ball making this movie. The title doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the movie, and was probably included
to fool potential audience members into thinking it was some sort of sequel to WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. Hammer never directed
another film, and while he definitely has his faults--adding some unwanted and out-of-place comic relief in a whorehouse and
luring a subpar performance out of Westmoreland--he doesn’t wimp out in the cheap thrills category, making sure Worth
tears his victims’ clothes off before killing them. Also with Pamela Jean Bryant, Stan Hayes, Denise Galik-Furay,
Chris Wallace and Victor Mohica. Music by Byron Allred.
DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE (1980)--Directed by
Joseph Ellison. Stars Dan Grimaldi, Johanna Brushay, Robert Osth. A lot of airheaded young women ignore the title warning
in this sick thriller released by Film Ventures International. Psycho pyro Grimaldi kidnaps women, strips them naked, torches
them alive with a flamethrower, dresses their corpses in his mother's clothes, and talks to them. It's all because his mother
held his arms over a burning stove to punish him as a boy. Grimaldi actually does an OK job, considering the sketchy script
concocted by Ellison and his co-writers Ellen Hammill and Joseph Masefield. Only one of the killings is shown, but the burn
makeup is effective, and the finale is kind of thrilling (and reminiscent of MANIAC, released the same year). Richard Einhorn's
score contains too many disco elements, and songs like "Boogie Lightning" are played at a discotheque. The director of photography
was Oliver Wood, who went on to major studio fare like FACE/OFF. Also with Ruth Dardick, Bill Ricci, O'Mara Leary, Gail Turner
and David Brody.
DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK (1981)—Directed
by Lawrence D. Foldes. Stars Aldo Ray, Linnea Quigley, Tamara Taylor, Meeno Peluce. Foldes was just 19 when he
helmed this confusing and ambitious gore pic in the Los Angeles area, primarily the old Paramount ranch and Griffith Park
(including Bronson Caverns).
It opens "16,000 years ago" with two caveperson siblings being
stricken by a curse that dooms them to a life of immortality. To remain young-looking, they kill teenagers and chomp on their
entrails to drain their youth. The only way the two can ever die is if one has a female child and sacrifices her on her 16th
birthday. Gar ("Crackers Phinn," obviously a nom de plume) plans to do just that, and makes it happen by stalking a cute blonde
(Linnea Quigley in her first of many films that required her to perform full-frontal nudity) and mesmerizing her into marriage.
His devotion to their daughter Bondi (Tamara Taylor) earns Linnea's resentment, and a fight between the parents spurs Bondi
to run away from home on her 16th birthday.
Surviving a rape attempt by potheads in a shitty custom van
by using the power of The Force locked inside her magic amulet to explode the van, Bondi ends up at an abandoned cabin hidden
inside Griffith Park, where dozens of children have gone missing over the centuries. The cabin's only inhabitants are Nick
(Meeno Peluce from TV's VOYAGERS), a wiseass 10-year-old; Cowboy, a wimpy teen; and--coincidentally--Gar's sister Tre. Tre,
usually seen in a gray wig and an eyepatch, is played by a pseudonymous actress named "Barbara Monker." In his audio commentary,
director Foldes claims that "Monker" is actually famous actress Barbara Bain, who starred with her then-husband Martin Landau
in the TV series MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE (for which she won three Emmys) and SPACE: 1999. I believe this claim to be absolute
bullshit. It's true that Bain's career (and Landau's, for that matter) was no great shakes in 1979 when DON'T GO IN THE PARK
was filmed, but just a glance at the actress in the film proves that she is not Bain. I'm not certain whether Foldes is mistaken
or is trying to pull the wool over our eyes (and DVD moderator David Gregory doesn't challenge Foldes' assertion), but he
is wrong, no doubt about it.
Aldo Ray, a former Academy Award nominee on hard times in 1979,
pops up briefly as an investigative reporter looking into the mysterious Griffith Park deaths who tries to rescue Nick from
his homelessness. More murders occur until the far-out climax inside Bronson Caverns that includes zombies, fire, eye lasers
(!) and more ridiculousness. It's pretty obvious that Foldes and his co-writer Linwood Chase had no idea what they were doing
when they snapped this picture together, but if it was any better, it would probably be less entertaining.
DON'T KNOCK THE ROCK (1956)--Directed by Fred
F. Sears. Stars Alan Dale, Alan Freed, Patricia Hardy, Jana Lund. 31-year-old Dale--who may have been a fine singer, but sure
doesn't fit my description of a rock-and-roller--stars as hotshot teen idol Arnie Haines, who returns to his tiny hometown
to convince the old fogeys there that rock isn't the Devil's music. He falls for cute Hardy, while resisting the powerful
charms of curvy jailbait ("Can you believe I'm not even 18 yet?") Lund, who was also in HIGH SCHOOL HELLCATS and HOT CAR GIRL.
This Sam Katzman quickie is good for a few laughs, and the musical acts--including Bill Haley and His Comets, the Treniers,
Dave Appell and His Applejacks, and especially Little Richard, who rips the heck outta "Tutti Frutti" and "Long Tall Sally"--are
pretty cool. Haley, Freed, Katzman, Sears and writer Robert E. Kent made ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK, America's very first rock
film, early the same year. Sears directed 49 features from 1949-58. That's nine years! And he died in 1957 (five of his films
were released in '58)!! Also with Fay Baker, George Cisar and Pierre Watkin.
DON'T WORRY, WE'LL THINK OF A
TITLE (1966)--Directed by Harmon Jones. Stars Morey Amsterdam, Rose Marie, Richard Deacon. Buddy Sorrell's vanity
project. Morey produced, co-wrote (with John Hart) and stars in this HELLZAPOPPIN'-style black-and-white spy spoof. He plays
an inept short-order cook who is mistaken for a Russian spy. Film mostly consists of (unfunny) one-liners, non sequiters,
blackouts, cameos and sight gags. The three leads all appeared together on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, along with Carl Reiner,
who puts in a cameo here. Also with Henry Corden, January Jones, and uncredited bits by Danny Thomas, Forrest Tucker, Percy
Helton, Cliff Arquette (as Charlie Weaver), Moe Howard (playing it mostly straight as a lawyer), Irene Ryan (as Granny from
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES), Nick Adams, Steve Allen and Milton Berle. United Artists (barely) released this 83-minute bomb.
Jones was an Oscar-nominated editor who later directed a number of B-movies and TV shows.
DOOMSDAY (2008)—Directed by Neil Marshall.
Stars Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Malcolm McDowell, Alexander Siddig. The promising British director Marshall, whose THE
DESCENT is an impressively creepy underground horror, drops the ball big time with this boring pastiche of half the genre
movies he’s ever seen. Heavily cribbed from ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and THE ROAD WARRIOR with a taste of LORD OF
THE RINGS, DOOMSDAY is written and directed in a slapdash manner that makes its logic suspect and its action setpieces nigh
incomprehensible. A deadly virus ravages Scotland, forcing the British government to wall it off to keep its victims
and carriers inside. Years later, signs of the virus appear outside the wall, and operatives led by the eyepatch- and
leather-wearing Eden Sinclair (Mitra) are sent to Glasgow to find a cure reportedly discovered by mad doctor McDowell.
If you possess a passing familiarity with the great SF movies of the 1980s, very little in DOOMSDAY will surprise and move
you.
DOOR-TO-DOOR MANIAC--See FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE.
THE DOOR WITH SEVEN LOCKS (1962)--Directed
by Alfred Vohrer. Stars Heinz Drache, Pinkas Braun, Ady Berber. Two murder victims have turned up in London; one was found
floating in the Thames, the other suffers what appears to be a heart attack at a soda stand. Both have one thing in common:
they each had a mysterious key attached to a gold chain. Scotland Yard Inspector Richard Martin (Drache) investigates (with
his veddy-British comic relief partner Holms), and discovers there are seven keys in all. But where is this door with seven
locks? And what does a young heir coming to town for his 21st birthday have to do with it? The mystery involves a mad scientist
conducting genetic experiments in the basement of a spooky old castle. This German-made black-and-white krimi based upon an
Edgar Wallace story is fast-paced and fun. The performances seem to be enjoyably colorful, although the Sinister Cinema print
is dubbed into English. Music by Peter Thomas. Also with Sabine Sesselmann, Eddi Arent, Werner Peters, Hans Neilsen and Klaus
Kinski.
THE DOORS (1991)--Directed by Oliver Stone. Stars Val Kilmer, Meg Ryan, Kathleen Quinlan.
Stone continues his obsession with '60s American history by making this biopic of one of the era's most iconic rock stars.
He takes Jim Morrison and his effect on pop culture much too seriously, and many of the facts are twisted or just plain wrong,
but Kilmer is dazzling as the Doors' late leader, and the visceral charge of Stone's concert scenes are unlike any other put
on film. The plot is simple really: Morrison meets Ray Manzarek (Kyle MacLachlan), forms a group, gets high, gets drunk, gets
arrested, moves to Paris and dies. Most of the fun comes from spotting the bizarre cameos: Kevin Dillon is Robbie Krieger,
Frank Whaley plays John Densmore, Crispin Glover is Andy Warhol, Jennifer Rubin is Edie Sedgwick, Will Jordan does his Ed
Sullivan impression again (telling Morrison not to sing "Girl, we couldn't get much higher", which he did anyway), Wes Studi,
Michael Madsen, Billy Idol, Paul Williams, Mimi Rogers, Animal Eric Burdon, attorney William Kuntsler, rock impresario Bill
Graham, Debi Mazar and Delia Sheppard. Kilmer sang most of the songs himself, and it's practically impossible to distinguish
his vocals from Morrison's.
DOOMSDAYER (2000)--Directed by John Michael
Sarna. Stars Joe Lara, Sandra Gomez, Udo Kier, Brigitte Nielsen. Directed partially in the Philippines by a stuntman on dozens
of low-budget films and TV shows. Jack Logan (Lara) is an agent of Project 23, a consortium of 23 nations who have pledged
to track down rogue nuclear weapons and keep them out of the wrong hands. DOOMSDAYER's hands belong to Max Gast (Kier), a
billionaire with a unique plan for improving Earth's living conditions: by murdering almost all of the worlds population to
preserve the natural resources for the few thousand survivors. Surprisingly, neither Max nor his statuesque wife (Nielsen)
plan to be one of the survivors, looking forward to their martyrdom with pride. Meanwhile, Logan infiltrates Gast's private
island sanctuary, where he finds himself unexpectedly teamed with sexy Dyna (Gomez), who wants to kill Max in revenge for
her husbands death in a car explosion.
Seeing a stuntman listed as director pretty much guarantees
plenty of action, and DOOMSDAYER is no exception. Explosions, martial arts, car chases, broken glass, shootouts--all the DTV
mainstays are here. Lara isn't the worlds greatest actor, but he's no David Bradley either, handling his minimal dialogue
well enough. Nielsen doesn't have much to do, but Kier's fine performance goes a long way towards fleshing out his character's
motivations. Gomez, billed here as "January Isaac", is too tiny and too pouty to be believable, but she's not a bad actress,
and she's certainly easy on the eyes. DOOMSDAYER may be unexceptional, but it's worth watching and an improvement on most
of the DTV action fare found on video store shelves. Also with Alexa Jago, Paige Rowland and T.J. Storm.
DOUBLE EXPOSURE (1982)—Directed
by William Byron Hillman. Stars Michael Callan, Joanna Pettet, James Stacy, Seymour Cassel, Pamela Hensley. Callan’s
career as a light leading man in acclaimed fare like MYSTERIOUS ISLAND and CAT BALLOU was long gone by the time he co-produced
and starred in this thriller. It’s easy to see why he took the job; he has lots of showy acting moments and he
makes out with many naked babes, including fortysomething Pettet. His credit as post-production supervisor suggests
that he and executive producer Frank Silverman (note his prominent title card) may have had more to do with DOUBLE EXPOSURE’s
final cut than writer/director/co-producer Hillman. Amazingly, it appears to be a remake of an earlier Hillman/Callan
film called THE PHOTOGRAPHER!
Freelance photog Adrian Wilde (Callan) is plagued by sweaty
nightmares in which he slaughters various models and prostitutes with a knife or an icepick. Meanwhile, those same models
and hookers are being murdered by a mysterious gloved killer who also targets an undercover policeman posing as a hooker.
The morning following each dream, Wilde frantically explains it to his shrink (Cassel) and to his rascally brother B.J. (Stacy),
an ex-stunt driver with one arm, one leg, one ex-wife and a bitter attitude.
Hillman’s screenplay isn’t very good, but it
contains lots of “actory” scenes that must have lured several of Callan’s friends; DOUBLE EXPOSURE’s
cast is quite impressive considering the material they have to work with. Despite the perceived red herrings, the list
of suspects is actually much shorter than you think, when you mull over how few people know the details of Adrian’s
dreams. Vestron Video’s pan-and-scan print does the cinematography and direction no favors, not that Hillman is
any rival of Dario Argento’s. The movie is paced and structured like a giallo with an occasional swipe from the
slasher movies that were popular at the time.
Callan chews some major scenery as he battles mood swings
and wakes up after lovemaking sessions with young women covered in sweat. He went back to TV guest shots and soap operas
after this last gasp at movie leading manhood. As absurd as the plot is, at least Callan’s scenes with Stacy feel
authentic, as though the two really were quite close. Stacy, the former star of TV’s LANCER, really did lose his
limbs in a 1973 motorcycle accident, and though he continued to act for several years afterward, Hollywood has little use
for a one-armed, one-legged actor outside of roles specifically calling for one. MATT HOUSTON’s Hensley co-stars
as the detective pursing the killer’s identity, along with Robert Tessier, Misty Rowe, Cleavon Little (in a thankless
role as Hensley’s orders-barking chief), Don Potter, Joey Forman, Jeana Tomasina (THE BEACH GIRLS), PLAYBOY’s
Kathy Shower as a mud wrestler, SNL’s Victoria Jackson in her first film, Debbie Zipp, Sally Kirkland, Joanna Frank
(THE SAVAGE SEVEN) and Terry Moore.
DOUBLE IMPACT (1991)--Directed by
Sheldon Lettich. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Geoffrey Lewis, Alonna Shaw. Van Damme times two! The Muscles from Brussels
plays two roles here: twins separated at birth--a good twin raised in the United States by family friend Lewis, and a tough
roguish twin raised in Hong Kong. Van Damme's limited acting skills make them both indistinguishable from each other. The
two brothers team up in the Orient to battle druglords. Bodybuilder Cory Everson is impressive in her fight scenes with Van
Damme. Also with martial-arts stars Bolo Yeung and Simon Rhee and statuesque Julie Strain. Jean-Claude relies more on guns
and bullets than karate chops in this movie, the beginning of his transition to mainstream action star.
DOUBLE NICKELS (1977)--Directed
by Jack Vacek. Stars Jack Vacek, Patrice Schubert, Ed Abrams, George Cole. Vacek served as star, co-writer, director,
co-editor, stunt driver and more on this easy-going light comedy influenced by SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. Smoke (Vacek)
and Ed (Abrams, also the art director) are a pair of goof-off California Highway Patrolmen who take a part-time job repossessing
cars. Eventually, they discover that their boss is actually stealing the cars they're repo'ing. Not that the plot
is that important to DOUBLE NICKELS, which is really just a showcase for a large quantity of very cool fast cars and some
interesting stunts. Vacek, who appears to have been friendly with GONE IN 60 SECONDS auteur H.B. Halicki, apparently
borrowed, rather than bought, many of the speedsters on display, resulting in not enough crashed cars, but he does stage some
fun chases, including one in the Los Angeles storm drains and another involving a Pinto driving down a long flight of concrete
stairs. The performances are unpolished, but they fit the film's laidback tone, and the natural dialogue seems occasionally
improvised. Also with Mick Brennan and Heidi Schubert.
DOUBLE TROUBLE (1992)—Directed by
John Paragon. Stars David Paul, Peter Paul, Roddy McDowall. The Barbarian Brothers—a pair of hulking, musclebound twin
brothers who starred in the batty THE BARBARIANS—stretch their fifteen minutes of fame as far as this lunkheaded but
good-natured R-rated action picture. The real joy of DOUBLE TROUBLE is watching the supporting cast of veterans grin and ham
their way through a picture they know is complete schlock, and they’re fine with it.
I have no idea where Hollywood found David and Peter Paul,
who may be the most ridiculous-looking action stars ever with their insane mullets, earrings, ultra-tight acid-washed jeans,
rampaging biceps, and acting skills that make redwoods look downright animated. Here, they’re L.A. cop Dave Jade and
cat burglar Peter Jade, who are inexplicably teamed up to capture a dandy money launderer named Phillip Chamberlain (McDowall).
Don’t bother trying to distinguish between them, because not only do they not have separate personalities, they have
no personalities, period.
James Doohan (STAR TREK) is the police chief who tells
David he’s a good cop who has to learn to control his temple. Bill Mumy (LOST IN SPACE) is a ponytailed assassin. Steve
Kanaly (DALLAS) is a crooked construction magnate. Troy Donahue is a dirty councilman. David Carradine is an exposition-spouting
con. Roddy is very entertaining, and everyone seems to be having a good time. You probably will too. The Barbarian Brothers
are tough to resist. Also with A.J. Johnson, Tim Stack, Collin Bernsen, Lewis Arquette, Bobbie Brown, and Darcy LaPier.
DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS (1986)--Directed
by Paul Mazursky. Stars Nick Nolte, Richard Dreyfuss, Bette Midler, Tracy Nelson, Elizabeth Pena. Disney's first R-rated film.
When a homeless man (Nolte) tries to drown himself in Dreyfuss and Midler's swimming pool and is saved by Dreyfuss, he moves
into their house and, one by one, proceeds to have a positive effect on the dysfunctional family members. A good cast saves
this funny movie, a comeback for both Dreyfuss and Midler, two good actors in search of a hit. Little Richard is hilarious
as the next-door neighbor. From the director of MOON OVER PARADOR.
DOWN 'N DIRTY (2000)--Directed by
Fred Williamson. Stars Fred Williamson, Gary Busey, David Carradine, Randy Goodwin. Gee, I bet you haven't seen
this one more than a few dozen times or so. Williamson, once again patrolling the mean streets in his usual black T-shirt/leather
jacket combo and a stogie stuffed between his teeth, plays a lone wolf police detective who breaks all the rules and wrinkles
the stuffed suits of his by-the-book superiors to find his partner's murderer. And since the Hammer also directed, you
know this movie will be cheap-looking, have shoddy photography and sound, and co-star several C-list celebrities, most of
whom obviously worked only one day. Even Williamson looks tired this time around. Sure, he's still charismatic
and looks darn buff for 62, but it's hard to believe he cares about such a boring storyline. Williamson suspects the
district attorney (Busey) of being in the pocket of mobster Gil Garner (Carradine), and, despite his boss' admonishments of
"Did you see the new burn wing Garner donated?" and "I need evidence, dammit, not just your gut!" and "It's not worth getting
yourself killed over", teams up with a Will Smith-wannabe in a funny hat (Goodwin) to get the information he needs.
Johnny Ross' terrible wall-to-wall synth score must be noted as well. Also with Sam J. Jones, Beverly Johnson, Tony
LoBianco, Charles Napier, Bubba Smith, Frank Pesce, Andrew Divoff, Rod McCary and Bill Erwin. Fred previously played
Detective Dakota Smith in 1997's NIGHT VISIONS. His 17th film as a director.
DOWN TO YOU (2000)--Directed by Kris Isacsson.
Stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Julia Stiles, Selma Blair, Henry Winkler, Zak Orth, Shawn Hatosy, Ashton Kutcher. Romantic comedies
rely almost exclusively on the chemistry between its leads, and in this regard, the first feature by 27-year-old writer/director
Kris Isacsson works well. Freddie Prinze, Jr., last seen in WING COMMANDER and SHE'S ALL THAT, and Julia Stiles (10 THINGS
I HATE ABOUT YOU) as college lovers look like they belong together--they're both likable, attractive actors, and I enjoyed
the way they played off of each other. Unfortunately they're let down by a simplistic plot containing not a single contrivance
I couldn't spot coming a mile away and asinine dialogue ("Cake is my world!") I can't imagine being spoken by any real person.
As baffling as anything else are Isacsson's references to Solid Gold Dancers and songs by Al Green and Barry White, which
could hardly be less relevant to the teen audiences for which this was made.
Al (Prinze) and Imogen (Stiles) are students
at an unnamed New York City college who meet in a bar, and begin a relationship that involves eating lots of cake, having
lots of sex, and dealing with lots of eccentric pals, including nymphomaniac porn star Cyrus (Blair), Wellesian filmmaker
Monk (Orth), bodybuilding Eddie (Hatosy) and Jim Morrison (THAT '70S SHOW's Kutcher, proving he's just as inept an actor on
the big screen as he is on TV), a look-alike for the Doors' lead singer. Henry Winkler lends satisfactory support as Al's
TV chef father, who has an idea for an offshoot of COPS called COOKS, which provides the movie's funniest scene. Also with
Lucie Arnaz, Rosario Dawson and Julian Michael Caiazzo. Music by Edmund Choi.
DOWN TWISTED (1987)--Directed
by Albert Pyun. Stars Carey Lowell, Charles Rocket, Linda Kerridge, Thom Mathews, Norbert Weisser. Cannon caper flick which
casts Lowell (nearly a decade before her LAW & ORDER run) as a cute waitress who accidentally becomes involved with a
criminal plot involving a stolen Latin American religious artifact, thanks to her roommate, a member of the gang that stole
it. Lowell and innocent bystander Rocket are kidnapped to the Central American country of San Lucas, where they escape their
captors, engage in not-very-witty romantic repartee, and attempt to solve the mystery of the missing artifact. Of course,
almost no one is whom he or she seems, the screenplay by Tom O'Neill and Noreen Tobin takes a number of twists and turns,
and even the mild-mannered Rocket turns out to have a few surprises under his belt. None of this is very exciting. Lowell
in particular tries hard, and Pyun's direction moves at a decent clip, but we've seen this all before, and usually done better.
Also with Norbert Weisser, Trudy Dochtermann, Nicholas Guest, Bambi Jordan, Gayln Gorg and Courteney Cox in a small part as
a waitress. Music by Berlin Game.
DOWN WITH LOVE (2003)--Directed by Peyton
Reed. Stars Renee Zellweger, Ewan MacGregor, Sarah Paulson, David Hyde Pierce, Tony Randall. Is it a romantic
comedy or a MAD magazine parody of one? Thanks to its imaginative makers, DOWN WITH LOVE, directed with great panache
by Peyton Reed (BRING IT ON), works as both, providing big laughs and an affectionate nod at a quaint subgenre relegated to
the realm of afternoon airings on the Turner Classic Movies network. For DOWN WITH LOVE is built around a gimmick, one
that thankfully doesn't grow old when stretched to the length of a feature and surprisingly provides more than a little insight
into not only the movies that used to be made, but also the way in which we watch them.
DOWN WITH LOVE's gimmick, one that sounds on the surface like a
bad SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE sketch, is that it is filmed entirely in the style of a 1960's sex comedy. More specifically,
PILLOW TALK starring Doris Day and Rock Hudson, although a discerning eye might spot allusions to similar films like BOYS'
NIGHT OUT with Kim Novak and James Garner. Made in the days before Women's Lib, these garishly colored comedies almost
always entailed some sort of "battle of the sexes" between a male chauvinist pig and a slightly ditzy but on-the-cutting-edge-of-liberation
blonde (and they were almost always blond--from Doris to Kim to Debbie Reynolds--while their foils were always tall and dark
like Hudson, Garner and Tony Curtis). Each was flanked by a best pal: the man-hungry, wisecracking, slightly older
female foil (think Thelma Ritter or Paula Prentiss) and the fussy male second banana who always talked about scoring with
the ladies, but who was obviously homosexual and almost always played by Tony Randall, who lends his tacit approval to Reed's
sendup by taking an amusing supporting role.
Here, the romantic rivals are the twinkly Renee Zellweger (CHICAGO)
as New England author Barbara Novak and--an unlikely but effective choice--Ewan MacGregor (MOULIN ROUGE) as "ladies man, man's
man, man about town" Catcher Block, a swinging, womanizing cad whose columns for a leading men's magazine have made him a
Manhattan celebrity. It's 1962, when cardboard skylines, expensive fashions, and ornate sets that appear to have been
dressed by the Jetsons' interior decorator were de rigueur and Madison Avenue was ruled by cigar-smoking, middle-aged white
men. Barbara's first book is DOWN WITH LOVE, a how-to book for women on how they can achieve equality both inside and
outside the bedroom by eating more chocolate and having more casual sex. Arriving in New York, where she becomes friendly
with her man-hungry, wisecracking, sophisticated editor Vikki (Sarah Paulson), the small-town writer becomes an immediate
media sensation, as the new tome even knocks President Kennedy off the best-seller charts and leads to appearances on WHAT'S
MY LINE? and THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW. Ordered by his fussy friend and boss at KNOW magazine, Peter (David Hyde Pierce),
to interview Barbara for a cover story, Catcher, whose sex life has taken a beating since DOWN WITH LOVE's publication, decides
to instead turn the piece into an expose by disguising himself as a Texas-bred astronaut named Major Zip Martin and tricking
Barbara into falling in love with him, since, hey, love and marriage are what the chicks are really into, no matter what the
book says.
This elaborate setup--and the friends' willingness to help out with
the charade--is true to the old movies that DOWN WITH LOVE is sending up. In fact, LOVE's greatest asset is its dedication
to that truth. It's played surprisingly straight and wallows in even the most minute details, such as the way men in
these movies are always drinking martinis and the women always entered the room in the most ostentatious manner, clad in expensive
Edith Head fashions--whether their characters could realistically afford them or not. Screenwriters Eve Ahlert and Dennis
Drake have an obvious affection for these sugary concoctions, and even when they're parodying them, as in a cleverly staged
split-screen phone conversation between Zellweger and MacGregor, it's done in a non-condescending manner.
Zellweger is, of course, a perfect choice for the role, since her
cheeky countenance and white-bread purity suggests both the innocence and an underlying subversiveness necessary to make the
end of the movie work. MacGregor was a surprise to me; while not the chiseled presence that Hudson and Garner were,
his catlike presence and Scottish burr make up most of the difference between unlikable cad and charming rogue, and he's very
good in his "dual" role. Paulson, who appears to have studied a few Eve Arden movies, is the next Elizabeth Perkins
or Bonnie Hunt if she wants to be, and Pierce, who has patented the fastidious is-he-gay sidekick in his Emmy-winning role
on FRASIER, amps the camp up a notch or two to steal the picture from his co-stars.
Just as important as the actors--or, in this case, maybe more so--are
the technical trappings that give DOWN WITH LOVE its peculiar verisimilitude. From the old-fashioned Cinemascope logo
that introduces the credits to Jeff Cronenweth's sumptuous Technicolor cinematography to the finger-popping orchestral jazz
score composed by the perfectly cast Marc Shaiman, LOVE is meticulous in its slavish devotion to period detail. Not
of the real 1962 New York, mind you, but of its depiction in the Movie Universe. Which, thanks to DOWN WITH LOVE, is
still a fun place to visit.
DOWNTOWN (1990)--Directed by Richard Benjamin.
Stars Forest Whitaker, Anthony Edwards, Penelope Ann Miller, David Clennon. Clichd mixture of comedy and crime drama puts
rookie cop Edwards and inner-city cop Whitaker on the trail of a Philadelphia drug kingpin. A few chases and shootouts keep
the pace from slogging, but not really interesting.
DRACULA (1931)--Directed by Tod Browning. Stars
Bela Lugosi, Edward Van Sloan, Helen Chandler, Dwight Frye. This film established vampire lore for years (and many films)
to come. It's too bad it appears so staid and dull by today's standards. Browning's static direction suggests DRACULA's stage
play roots. Of course, the Universal release established the Hungarian-born Lugosi as a major star, and, although he only
portrayed the sinister Count Dracula one other time (in 1948's ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN), he found himself typecast
for the rest of his life. Outstanding makeup by Jack Pierce, who did the Frankenstein Monster and the Wolfman. Cinematography
by Karl Freund. Garrett Ford and Dudley Murphy adapted the Bram Stoker novel. Van Sloan plays Van Helsing; Frye (who was Igor
in Frankenstein) is Renfield. Director George Melford filmed a Spanish-language version at night using the same sets and script,
but a different cast and crew. "I do not drink...wine."
DRACULA A.D. 1972 (1972)--Directed by Alan
Gibson. Stars Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Stephanie Beacham, Christopher Neame, Caroline Munro, Marsha Hunt. In 1872,
Count Dracula (Lee for the sixth time) and archenemy Van Helsing (Cushing) battle atop a runaway buggy. The buggy crashes
into a tree; Van Helsing is thrown clear, but Dracula is killed when a wooden wheel spoke is driven through his heart. One
hundred years later, the vampire is brought back to life on a lark by some mod teenagers, including busty Stephanie Beachum
(who looks ready to burst out of her top!). When Stephanie is hypnotized and lured to Dracula's domain (an abandoned church),
it's up to her grandfather (Cushing again)--a descendent of the original Van Helsing--to save the day. The contemporary London
setting has dated the film a bit, but still contains plenty of blood and scares. Lee is as imposing as ever, and it's always
a thrill to see him and Cushing together. Some bad rock songs by Stoneground. Written by Don Houghton. A Hammer film.
DRACULA
HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE (1968)--Directed by Freddie Francis. Stars Christopher Lee, Rupert Davies, Veronica Carlson,
Barry Andrews. Perhaps the best looking of the Hammer Draculas, thanks no doubt to the presence of Oscar-winning cinematographer
Francis as director. It's also the most religiously oriented. The ominous Count Dracula (Lee's third go-round in the role)
is accidentally revived when the blood from a priest's head wound soaks into the icy moat where the vampire's body is frozen.
Dracula hypnotizes the priest, and uses him as his accomplice in a plan of revenge against the monsignor (Davies) who blocked
the entrance to Dracula's castle with a giant crucifix. As usual, Lee has very little screen time, but is properly menacing
in the time he does have (including a thrilling and bloody scene where he pulls a wooden stake from his chest). The love story
involving virginal Carlson and atheist Andrews is quite sweet; the buxom Carlson (who resembles Ursula Andress a bit) was
one of Hammer's great discoveries, and her attributes were strongly emphasized in the film's advertising. Music by James Bernard.
Also with Ewan Hooper, Barbara Ewing and Michael Ripper.
DRACULA--PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1965)--Directed
by Terence Fisher. Stars Christopher Lee, Francis Matthews, Suzan Farmer, Barbara Shelley, Thorley Walters. Hammer broke new
ground and made a truckload of money when it released HORROR OF DRACULA in 1958. It also made an international star of Christopher
Lee. Despite all that, it took Lee seven years to don the Count's cape, fangs, and bloodshot contact lenses again. A pair
of young English couples traveling through Transylvania decide to spend the night in an old castle, where, of course, Dracula
is resurrected in a gruesome ceremony--one of the men is killed and hung upside down over Dracula's coffin so gushing blood
from his slashed throat can bring the bloodsucker back to life! The women, played by buxom Hammer starlets Barbara Shelley
and Suzan Farmer, are intended to be Dracula's "brides", but not if hero Matthews has anything to say about it. Hammer films
almost always had terrific production values despite a limited budget, and the script by John Samson and John Elder (pseudonym
for Hammer exec Anthony Hinds) keeps a lively pace. Produced by Anthony Nelson-Keys.
DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971)--Directed
by Al Adamson. Stars Anthony Eisley, Regina Carrol, Zandor Varkov, John Bloom, J. Carrol Naish, Lon Chaney Jr.
Adamson's best-known and most notorious film is also one of his looniest. Originally filmed as a thriller about a psycho
killer, Adamson and producer Sam Sherman decided well into production to restructure the film as a classic monster romp, adding
the Dracula and Frankenstein monster to scenes already shot. The result is a very strange and very boring movie that
all bad movie fans should see at least once. Statuesque Judith (Carrol) arrives in Southern California to search for
her missing sister. When she is drugged in a bar, she's rescued by overaged hippie Mike (Eisley), who aids her in her
investigation, which leads to wheelchair-bound mad scientist Dr. Durea (Naish), who works out of an amusement park haunted
house, and his mute servant Groton (Chaney). Sherman and William Pugsley's script also tosses in some bikers, a grumpy
middle-aged cop, some decapitations, a kidnapping and--oh, yeah--Count Dracula (Sherman's stockbroker Roger Engel, billed
as "Zandor Varkov"), a curly-haired vampire who wears a ring that shoots a death ray and points Durea in the direction of
the lost Frankenstein monster.
DvsF is as cheap as it is confusing, but the poor special effects,
loopy dialogue, patchwork storyline and game exploitation cast might make it worth your while. Ken Strickfaden provided
some of the electrical props used in 1931's FRANKENSTEIN, and William Lava provides a nifty musical score using some cues
from CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. Also with Jim Davis, Russ Tamblyn, William Bonner, Greydon Clark, Gary Kent, Angelo
Rossitto, Albert Cole, Forrest J Ackerman, Gary Graver, Bruce Kimball, Anne Morrell and a quick cameo by Adamson. DvsF
was originally filmed in 1969, and eventually played under several titles, including THE BLOOD SEEKERS and SATAN'S BLOODY
FREAKS.
DRAGNET (1954)--Directed by Jack Webb.
Stars Jack Webb, Ben Alexander, Richard Boone, Stacy Harris. Three years after DRAGNET made the leap from radio to television
and quickly became one of the new medium’s most popular phenomena, Warner Brothers took it to the big screen and added
color and stark violence. Dry L.A. detectives Joe Friday (Webb) and Frank Smith (Alexander) ponder the case of a murdered
hood who was torn in half by a shotgun blast in a vacant lot (an arresting opening as stylish and brutal as just about anything
Webb ever shot). We know the killer is gangster Max Troy (Harris, one of Webb’s regular players), but Friday doesn’t,
so we sit back and admire the cops’ ragged determination and patience as they slog through the L.A. underbelly, abusing
suspects, violating civil rights, and wearing away shoe leather. Unlike the TV series, Friday and Smith even get into
a fistfight, and, just like it often occurs in real life, all of their hard work is ultimately for nothing. Fans of
the show should eat this feature up. It’s a hardnosed crime drama typical of the era and without the sermonizing
that was typical of the ‘60s DRAGNET. Also with Dennis Weaver, Virginia Gregg, Ann Robinson, Vic Perrin, Dub Taylor,
James Griffith, Bill Boyett and Herb Vigran. Music by Walter Schumann includes the classic theme.
DRAGNET
(1987)--Directed by Tom Mankiewicz. Stars Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks, Christopher Plummer, Dabney Coleman. Before
Dick Wolf brought the classic Jack Webb series back as a pumped-up vehicle for Ed O’Neill as Joe Friday, Universal produced
this big summer blockbuster starring co-writer Aykroyd as an uncanny simulation of Webb, right down to the corncob-up-the-ass
walk and the Chesterfield wrapped in his paw. Tom Hanks, post-VOLUNTEERS and pre-TURNER & HOOCH, co-stars as Pep
Streebeck, Aykroyd's free-spirited new partner, and Harry Morgan reprises his TV role as now-Captain Gannon, the irascible
boss of Streebeck and Friday (said to be the nephew of the late Webb's Friday). It's actually not a bad little picture,
although it's a disposable one like so many other studio comedies of the mid-'80s (do you remember anything about ARMED AND
DANGEROUS or TURNER & HOOCH?). Director Mankiewicz (DELIRIOUS) made a mistake by not shooting the movie in the same
simple setups and harsh lighting that were hallmarks of the TV series, even though he does keep Friday's narration, snippets
of the score and the climactic lineup shot. It's instantly dated by Ira Newborn's disappointing score, which uses a proto-techno
version of Walter Schumann's classic theme over the opening titles and closes with a Godawful DRAGNET rap performed by Aykroyd
and Hanks. Dear Lord, make the deep hurting end. Plummer as a crooked televangelist and Coleman as a pornographer
with a speech impediment provide the antagonism. Also with Elizabeth Ashley, Jack O’Halloran, Dona Speir, Ava
Fabian and Alexandra Paul as The Virgin Connie Swail.
DRAGON FIGHTER (2003)--Directed by Phillip
Roth. Stars Dean Cain, Robert Zachar. Chances are you won't be seeing any clips from this at the American Film
Institute's 2036 salute to Dean Cain. It's REIGN OF FIRE meets ALIEN as the former Superman battles a clumsy CGI dragon
on a Bulgarian soundstage meant to represent an underground laboratory. As David Carver, newly arrived head of security
at a government installation that houses only five scientists (two of them are, of course, hot babes), Carver's predecessor
and a deaf cook (named Cookie!), Cain shouts a lot of orders and tries really hard to maintain some sense of dignity.
I don't even understand why security is even needed (what is Carver supposed to do--guard the cookie jar?), but it's a good
thing for everybody he's there when the arrogant dumbass in charge, Dr. Draconic (Zachar), decides to clone a dragon using
1000-year-old remains found in an English cave. That's right--a real live fire-breathing dragon with wings and everything.
Where to keep it and how to control it don't appear to have been considered by the group, which soon begins getting picked
off one by one by the dragon, which has busted its way out of its incubator and is strolling the passageways in search of
vittles.
Cain is competent enough, but he's let down by Micheal (sic) Baldwin
(ANTIBODY) and Roth's seriously stupid script and some lame CGI effects that aren't even up to the low standards of Unified
Film Organization's usual output. One shot of the dragon tromping down a corridor is used almost a dozen times, while
many of the bleak sets appear to be leftovers from previous UFO productions, just two examples of UFO's financial and artistic
apathy towards DRAGON FIGHTER. Director Roth's ill-conceived efforts to steal from the trendy television hit 24 by using
split screens to increase tension--sometimes up to four different images at a time--fail miserably, since the gimmick is rarely
used when anything important or exciting is happening. Showing both sides of a conversation simultaneously when nothing
is happening either above or below the surface is distracting, not interesting, especially when they are clumsily edited from
two different takes, so that the actors' movements are inconsistent in the images. Also with Kristine Byers, Marcus
Aurelius, Vassela Dimitrova, Robert DiTillio and Chuck Echert. Music by Tony Riparetti. From the director of INTERCEPTOR
FORCE 2 and A.P.E.X.
DRAGON HUNT (1990)--Directed by Charlie Wiener.
Stars Michael McNamara, Martin McNamara, B. Bob. The McNamaras were twin brothers who apparently ran a franchise of
kung fu academies in Canada. They also decided to self-produce a few films, despite an obvious lack of acting ability,
screen charisma and--surprisingly--martial arts skills. Their first movie was 1986’s TWIN DRAGON ENCOUNTER, and
it must have been a hit, because we soon thereafter got DRAGON HUNT with a similar backwoods plot. Basically, it’s
cinema's 387th uncredited remake of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, as a punker Nazi named Jake (played by a terrible gonzo actor
named B. Bob!) and his gang kidnaps the McNamaras to his private island and recruits dozens of "warriors" (actually a bunch
of fat rednecks with bad hair and some lame ninjas led by The Red Skull of Death!) to hunt down the twins and kill them.
Continuity errors, story illogic, bad acting and poor fighting abound. Have fun counting all of Michael McNamara's credits;
it's about a dozen. No attempt is made at differentiating the twins, and, in fact, neither has any personality traits
whatsoever. It’s pretty much all action--not good action, but at least Wiener knows the benefits of “less
talk, more fighting”.
THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN (1976)--Directed by Lo Ke.
Stars Bruce Leong. This tribute to the late Bruce Lee is just about the nuttiest Hong Kong film I've seen yet.
After Lee's mysterious death, he is sent, not to Hell, but to a purgatory just north of Hell called the Underworld, which
is run by a malevolent king. Bruce (Leong) tries to mind his own business, but when he isn't being pursued by the King's
frequently nude wives, he's being attacked by the King's cadre of disciples, which incredibly include Clint Eastwood (a bearded
Chinese in a serape), James Bond (a white guy in a tux), the Exorcist (saddled with a French accent), Emmanuelle (who oddly
isn't), the Godfather, Dracula, Dracula's private army of zombies (represented by dudes in full-body skeleton suits) and a
bunch of kung-fu mummies. On Bruce's side are the One-Armed Boxer, Kwai Chang Caine (from the KUNG FU series) and Popeye,
played by a bald Chinese man in a sailor suit and corncob pipe. Lots of weirdness ensues, including lots of fighting
in a quarry, occasional slapstick and a musical score that swipes from ENTER THE DRAGON, A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS and Carl Douglas'
"Kung Fu Fighting". It's difficult to describe just how crazy this picture is, although the plot synopsis above is a
pretty decent start.
DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY (1993)--Directed
by Rob Cohen. Stars Jason Scott Lee, Lauren Holly. Entertaining if not exactly factual bio of the silver screens most charismatic
martial-arts star. Lee (no relation) is very good as the young Chinese student who moves to Seattle, meets a pretty blonde
named Linda (Holly), marries her, opens a string of karate schools, moves to Hollywood, stars in THE GREEN HORNET, experiences
racism, moves back to Hong Kong and becomes one of the biggest movie stars in the world. Robert Wagner appears to be playing
William Dozier, who produced HORNET and BATMAN. The stars are charming, and the many fight scenes are well choreographed.
Also with Michael Learned as Linda's mother, who isn't overjoyed at her daughter's marriage to a Chinese, Nancy Kwan, Paul
Mantee, and look for real-life GREEN HORNET star Van Williams as the director of the TV series. Based on Linda Lee's book
THE BRUCE LEE STORY. Music by Randy Edelman. From the director of DRAGONHEART.
DRAGONHEART (1996)--Directed
by Rob Cohen. Stars Dennis Quaid, Dina Meyer, David Thewlis, Pete Postlethwaite, Sean Connery. Old-fashioned attempt at bringing
back the mythical swords-and-sorcery epic. Actually, more swords-and-sorcery and less mythology would have helped. Quaid is
a stiff dragonslayer who teams up with the last remaining dragon (voiced by Connery) to stop a tyrannical king's (Thewlis)
reign. The king and Draco (the dragon) are bonded in that Draco gave up half of his heart to save Thewlis as a young man.
When one dies, so does the other. The script moves along much too slowly though, and none of the live-action performances
is very interesting. The visual effects bringing Draco to life are stunning however; Industrial Lights and Magic spent over
two years of post-production work to put Quaid and the other actors on screen with the well-designed dragon. It's too bad
the movie wasn't worth the journey. From the director of DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY.
DRAGSTRIP GIRL (1957)--Directed by Edward
L. Cahn. Stars Fay Spain, Steve Terrell, John Ashley. Cahn was capable of making decent potboilers on a low budget,
but this AIP production is a bit staid. It was later remade for Showtime as part of their REBEL HIGHWAY series, but
is only of importance today as John Ashley's film debut. Ashley, recently moved to California from Kansas City, accompanied
a female friend to American International's offices, where she was auditioning for a role in DRAGSTRIP GIRL. She didn't
land a part, but he did: the heavy, Fred Armstrong, a reckless drag racer competing with good guy Jim Donaldson (Terrell)
for the affections of sexy tease Louise Blake (Spain), an 18-year-old hellion just in from Salt Lake City. Although
Fred and Jim appear to be friends at the outset, rich kid Fred turns on Jim when Louise refuses to date him steadily and grows
obsessed with beating his pal out of a college scholarship in an upcoming racing event. Interject plenty of zingy one-liners,
an overage supporting cast, Ronald Stein's rock-and-roll beats, monotonous comic relief, awkward rear projection and the "bad
girl's" climactic redemption, and you have a typical AIP teen flick. And one that must have been successful, since Cahn,
writer Lou Rusoff, Terrell and Ashley more or less remade it the same year as MOTORCYCLE GANG.
Ashley went on to appear in several AIP movies, eventually
graduating from villain to hero. Blessed with good looks, a deep voice and moderate acting ability, Ashley landed leading
roles in popular drive-in flicks like HIGH SCHOOL CAESAR, FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER, HOT ROD GANG and a bunch of the Frankie
Avalon/Annette Funicello BEACH PARTY movies. He married and divorced actress Deborah Walley, and, in the late 1960's,
he moved to the Philippines to star in and produce a bunch of horror movies. One of them, BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT,
became the first film released by Roger Corman's legendary New World Pictures studio (as a double feature with the German
krimi CREATURE WITH THE BLUE HAND). By the time Ashley died of a heart attack in 1997 at the age of 62, he was a successful
full-time producer with television series like THE A-TEAM and WALKER, TEXAS RANGER under his belt. Also with Frank Gorshin,
Russ Bender, sexy Judy Bamber, Don Shelton and Carla Merey. Spain went on to star in GOD'S LITTLE ACRE, spurring AIP
to pull DRAGSTRIP GIRL out of mothballs and re-release it with Spain's name prominently marketed. Cahn directed more
than 130 films, six of them in 1957.
THE DREAM TEAM (1989)--Directed by Howard Zieff. Stars
Michael Keaton, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Boyle, Stephen Furst. OK comedy about four mental patients who, with their psychiatrist,
attend a baseball game at Yankee Stadium, but become separated from their chaperone and have to fend for themselves on the
streets of New York. Boyle and Keaton are very good, although Keaton's character seems a little sane to be confined to an
asylum. Also with Dennis Boutsikaris and Lorraine Bracco.
DREAMS WITH SHARP TEETH (2008)—Directed by
Erik Nelson. Stars Harlan Ellison. Ellison is one of the most celebrated writers of the 20th century with 75 books, more than
1700 stories and articles, and dozens of movie, television, and comic book scripts bearing his name. Or his pen name, whenever
he has believed some meddling producer has bastardized his vision. He is also among America’s great grouches and iconoclasts.
Director Nelson’s profile of Ellison, who published his first short story in 1955, uses personal reminiscences, vintage
clips, and talking-head interviews with various friends and acquaintances. It’s at its best when Nelson just points
a camera at Ellison and lets him tell his story, which begins as a small kid being bullied in an anti-Semitic small town in
Ohio. Harlan wears his heart on his sleeve, which makes for often fascinating footage.
DREAMSCAPE (1984)—Directed by Joseph
Ruben. Stars Dennis Quaid, Kate Capshaw, Max von Sydow, Christopher Plummer, David Patrick Kelly, Eddie Albert.
It looks quaint by today’s standards, but the first major studio film by the director of THE POM POM GIRLS and JOYRIDE
is an entertaining fantasy with fun makeup and stop-motion effects. Wise-assed psychic Quaid, lured by comely scientist
Capshaw, agrees to participate in experiments by his former mentor (von Sydow) that would allow him to enter the dreams of
other people and participate in them. Of course, government slimeball Plummer wants to use this technology for his own
nefarious purposes, which include sending killer psychic Kelly into the dreams of troubled U.S. President Albert and killing
him before he can enact a no-nukes foreign policy. Quaid and his grin are in top form in this refreshingly simple, naïve
sci-fi adventure with a spooky “snakeman” creature, zombie children, nuclear holocaust nightmares, and Bronson
Caverns locations. Said to be the first PG-13 film, though RED DAWN was actually released first. Also with George
Wendt, Larry Gelman, Peter Jason, Chris Mulkey, Brian Libby and Madison Mason. Electronic score by Maurice Jarre.
DRESSED TO KILL (1980)--Directed by Brian DePalma.
Stars Michael Caine, Nancy Allen, Angie Dickinson, Keith Gordon, Dennis Franz. One of DePalma’s best thrillers
was considered highly controversial upon its initial release by feminists who thought it was misogynist. No question
it’s manipulative, trashy, illogical and suspenseful, but I’m not buying misogynist, even in its unrated form
(which can be seen on MGM’s DVD, including all the pieces removed to get an R rating from the MPAA). A sexually
frustrated woman is murdered by a tall blond woman wielding a straight razor. The victim’s teenage son (Gordon)
and a sweet hooker (Allen) who witnessed the crime team up to find the killer. Top-billed Caine is the victim’s
psychiatrist, who receives threatening telephone calls from the murderer. Shockingly bloody and sexy for a mainstream
studio film, even in its R-rated theatrical cut (it was made by Samuel Z. Arkoff’s Filmways), DePalma bookends the film
with explicit shower scenes, and the elevator murder is excruciating. Audiences were shocked to see POLICE WOMAN’s
Dickinson in a movie like this, but she’s quite good, as are Allen and Franz as a crude police detective not far removed
from Andy Sipowicz. Best remembered for DePalma’s virtuoso setpiece inside a Manhattan art museum (which was actually
filmed in Philadelphia), DRESSED TO KILL also boasts wonderful widescreen photography (by Ralf Bode) and Pino Donaggio’s
sumptuous score. The ending is something of a cheat, but it’s effective at the time.
DRIVE (1997)--Directed by Steve Wang.
Stars Mark Dacascos, Kadeem Hardison, John Pyper-Ferguson, Brittany Murphy. About as close to a rock-'em-sock-'em Hong
Kong action movie that I've ever seen in an American production, DRIVE is violent, fast-moving and often witty fun. In fact,
I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say it may well be the greatest American martial-arts film ever made.
So why haven't you heard of it? The producers took it away from its director, Steve Wang, cut several minutes out of it (mostly
dialogue, but the fate of at least one major supporting character hit the cutting room floor), and bypassed a theatrical release,
dumping it straight to cable, VHS and DVD in 1998. I have seen both the 99-minute U.S. version and Wang's longer original
cut, and, while both are wonderful films, the perfect version would be somewhere in between length-wise and utilize the more
conventional score that Wang commissioned.
DRIVE is apparently set in the near future and stars Mark
Dacascos (BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF) as Toby Wong, a Chinese man running from his former employers in Hong Kong, the Leung Corporation,
which implanted a "bio-engine" into his chest which gives him enhanced speed, strength and fighting ability. However, he doesn't
want it--he was an unwilling experiment--and is journeying to Los Angeles to sell the implant to Leung's main competitor.
On Toby's trail are Leung's squad of assassins, led by Vic Madison (John Pyper-Ferguson, memorable as a comic heavy on THE
ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY, JR.), who are assigned to stop him from reaching L.A. without killing him, since their employer
wants the bio-engine in one piece. After escaping a pair of early attacks in San Francisco, Toby makes the unlikely acquaintance
of Malik Brody (A DIFFERENT WORLD's Kadeem Hardison), a divorced, unemployed songwriter who would rather be almost anywhere
but handcuffed to a kung-fu-fighting stranger while bullets, rockets and explosions whiz past his head.
Don't worry too much about the story, since what are important
here are the startling fight sequences staged by Wang and his stunt coordinator Koichi Sakamoto's Alpha Stunt team. Hardly
a few minutes ever go by without Dacascos and Hardison running into trouble, setting the stage for a series of well-executed
martial-arts battles, including one pitting Dacascos against several guys armed with cattle prods and another set in a tacky
neon desert bar with an outer space theme, complete with giant rocket ship. So much energy was spent on DRIVE that it's a
shame it never received a theatrical release in the United States, premiering on HBO and later on home video. Although it
cost only around $4 million, the miniatures and pyrotechnics are skillfully rendered, and the non-stop action is a certain
crowd-pleaser.
Dacascos does most of his acting with his feet and fists,
but he's a solid enough leading man, while Hardison, at first difficult to take as a typical wisecracking, loudmouthed comic-relief
black sidekick, grows on you by the end, where he proves he can pull his own weight. Pyper-Ferguson doesn't look like a fighter,
but hams it up well enough to distract you from the fact that his stunt double doesn't look a lot like him. The one down note
acting-wise is Brittany Murphy (DON'T SAY A WORD), who plays a brain-dead teenage nympho with the unlikely hots for Hardison.
Her character isn't supposed to be retarded, which could be the only rational explanation for why Murphy performs the way
she does.
Filmed as ROAD TO RUIN, DRIVE is an energetic breath of fresh
air in the direct-to-video action realm, and shouldn't be overlooked just because it wasn't deemed "good" enough to play in
theaters. Although I prefer the orchestral-type music that underscores Wang's original cut, I don't really mind Walter Werzowa's
bouncy score in the U.S. version; the problem is that there's too much of it, and it's mixed much too loud, causing a distraction
in straightforward dialogue scenes where no music is needed.
DRIVE was filmed in and around Lancaster, California by the
director of THE GUYVER. Dacascos has continued to work steadily on television and in the DTV field, but one gets the sad feeling
that, if DRIVE had received a proper theatrical release, it may well have been quite successful--it's too damn good to be
ignored, certainly better than RUSH HOUR, which shamelessly rips it off--and led to bigger roles for him.
DRIVE-IN (1976)--Directed by Rod Amateau.
Stars Lisa Lemole, Trey Wilson. Low-budget ripoff of AMERICAN GRAFFITTI is sweet and well-meaning, if not entirely successful.
Film takes place in one day and night in a small Texas town where the social hub is the local drive-in theater. Episodes detail
a pair of bumbling crooks, a teen gang rumble and the high school sexpot who falls for a nice guy. The best parts are the
clips we see of the cheesy disaster flick projected on the drive-in screen called DISASTER '76. The cast seems filled with
amateurs (the only face I recognized was Wilson's, whose best-known part was probably Kevin Costner's baseball manager in
BULL DURHAM), which seems authentic if not exactly slick. From the director of HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A.
DRIVE IN MASSACRE (1976)—Directed by
Stu Segall. Stars Bruce Kimball, Adam Lawrence, Douglas Gudbye, Newton Naushaus, Norman Sherlock. Amazing, inept
slasher movie made by a guy who graduated from porno to drive-in sleaze to prime-time TV shows. Someone is killing patrons
of a drive-in theater with a sword. One suspect is Germy, the jittery janitor (Gudbye) who used to be a sword-swallower
at the carnival that occupied the drive-in’s property fifteen years earlier. The drive-in’s manager, Johnson
(Naushaus), is hilariously angry and profane, verbally abusing his customers, his employees and the cops. Would ya believe
he also was a sword-swallowing carny? Kimball and Lawrence as the investigating detectives occupy desks on a cheap set
and speak their dialogue over fake typewriter sound effects. Sometimes they flub their lines, but director Segall keeps
the camera rolling anyway. Lawrence dresses in (ugly) drag to surveil the prime suspect: a perv (Sherlock) who
creeps around the drive-in spying on making-out couples so he can “beat (his) meat.” It’s only about
72 minutes long, and that includes a padded ending with co-writer Buck Flower appearing in an awful, unbilled performance
as a father who threatens his daughter with a machete. It has nothing to do with the drive-in massacres, and the finale
is both a cheat and a gimmick that may actually have scared audiences when the movie actually played in drive-ins. Somehow,
Segall made the leap from sexploitation to Stephen J. Cannell TV shows.
THE DRIVER (1978)--Directed by Walter Hill.
Stars Ryan O'Neal, Bruce Dern, Isabelle Adjani. Hill certainly plays it cool in this tight-lipped actioner in which
no characters are given names and the leading man speaks only a few hundred words. A miscast O’Neal is an expert
driver who works freelance handling the getaway car for assorted robberies. Dern is great as an obsessive detective
completely focused on capturing The Driver. Hill’s screenplay is unclear why Dern has such a mad-on for O’Neal,
who is a crook, but hardly a dangerous killer, or how it can be that Dern has his own special squad dedicated to bringing
in O’Neal and seemingly is based in a restaurant. Just as taciturn as O’Neal is Adjani in a nothing role
as a sympathetic (to The Driver) witness. Coming in at just under 90 minutes, THE DRIVER delivers plenty of dramatic
car chases that are much livelier than the dialogue or most of the performances. Matt Clark, Ronee Blakley, Felice Orlandi
and Bob Minor also appear.
DROP ZONE (1994)--Directed by John Badham. Stars Wesley Snipes, Yancy Butler,
Gary Busey. Well-paced but empty actioner about a federal agent (Snipes) who goes undercover as a parachutist to nail drug
dealers who escaped authorities by jumping out of a 747 over Florida. Busey is an excellent psycho (as always), and Butler
(who had already proven her action chops with Jean-Claude Van Damme in HARD TARGET) looks absolutely stunning in her tight
jumpsuits; her father is drummer Joe Butler of the Lovin' Spoonful! Also with Michael Jeter (EVENING SHADE), Kyle Secor (HOMICIDE:
LIFE ON THE STREETS), Malcolm-Jamal Warner (THE COSBY SHOW) and a bunch of actors not on TV shows. Released by Paramount.
By the director of SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.
DROWNING MONA (2000)--Directed by Nick Gomez. Stars Bette
Midler, Danny DeVito, Neve Campbell, Jamie Lee Curtis, William Fichtner, Casey Affleck, Peter Dobson, Marcus Thomas. I had
never really heard of actor William Fichtner before, although I had seen him many times. Now 43 years of age, he appeared
in supporting roles in some of the most interesting and popular features of the 1990s, including ARMAGEDDON, CONTACT, HEAT
and QUIZ SHOW. Much like Michael Keaton jetted to stardom by stealing every scene of his film debut, NIGHT SHIFT, from nominal
star Henry Winkler, this film could be Fichtner's big break. In it, he plays the ultimate henpecked husband, a bushy-sideburned
dimwit named Phil who's responsible for most of MONA's funniest moments, whether he's trying to earn sympathy by admitting
his past as a battered husband or engaging in foreplay by using the WHEEL OF FORTUNE home game. Fichtner turns in a very funny
performance, and propels a darkly comic plot.
That plot concerns the murder of town battle-ax Mona Dearly (Midler),
who wakes up one morning, climbs into the family Yugo, and sails right through a guard rail into the Hudson River below. There
is no shortage of suspects, since Mona left a wide array of enemies in her venom-filled wake, and it's up to mild-mannered
police chief Wyatt Rash (DeVito) to sift through the clues and round up the usual suspects, who tell of their run-ins with
Mona in flashback: Phil (Fichtner), of course, Mona's dimwitted, henpecked husband; Jeff (Thomas), Mona's one-handed son whose
right appendage may have been sliced off by Mona herself (not that possessing a stump prevents him from trying to play his
guitar); mullet-headed waitress Rona (Curtis), who's having an affair with Phil; Bobby (Affleck), Jeff's business partner
who frighteningly resembles Vincent Van Patten; Feege (Dobson), Wyatt's gung-ho deputy; and Ellen (Campbell), Bobby's sweet
white-trash fianc and Wyatt's daughter.
The delights of Peter Steinfeld's screenplay involve amusing character traits,
like making Chief Rash a Broadway musical aficionado, or the funeral director a sexual fetishist, or main suspect Bobby such
a nice guy he can't ask his restaurant-owning brother to debone the chicken being served at his wedding reception. The danger,
though, in placing such basically decent characters in the center of such a nasty script is that the black humor becomes diluted
by their sweetness. It's surely no coincidence that MONA features the stars of RUTHLESS PEOPLE (DeVito, Midler) and A FISH
CALLED WANDA (Curtis), two of contemporary cinema's most wicked and raucous--and hilarious--comedies. The risk of those movies
was whether or not audiences would identify with such mean-spirited characters, but the performances and situations were so
riotous that it didn't matter. MONA would definitely have benefited from a sharper edge, which is ironic, considering director
Nick Gomez's success in gritty television dramas such as HOMICIDE and THE SOPRANOS.
I really dug DeVito's breezy,
unassuming manner--he's a calm, solid anchor amidst all the zaniness, which helps to keep the farce grounded in reality--but
it's Fichtner most of all that makes MONA such a pleasure to watch. Also with Tracey Walter, Kathleen Wilhoite and Will Ferrell.
Music by Michael Tavera with tons of Three Dog Night on the soundtrack.
THE DROWNING POOL (1975)--Directed
by Stuart Rosenberg. Stars Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Tony Franciosa, Murray Hamilton. Nine years after HARPER, Newman
is back as gum-chewing, wisecracking Los Angeles private eye Lew Harper. The setting is now New Orleans, where Harper is hired
by an old flame, Iris Devereaux (Woodward), to find out who's been blackmailing her. What appears to be a simple case turns
ugly after Harper is accused of statutory rape, threatened by corrupt police, kidnapped by a venal oil magnate (Hamilton)
and drawn further into a murky web of filial deceit. POOL runs short on action--although its highlight finds Newman trapped
in a ship's cargo hold that's slowly filling with water--and long on local color, solid performances by its veteran supporting
cast and Newman's own laidback charm. Based on a Lew Archer novel by Ross MacDonald. Also with Richard Jaeckel, Gail Strickland,
Paul Koslo, Linda Haynes, Andrew Robinson, Coral Browne, Richard Derr and Melanie Griffith as a promiscuous teen. The screenplay
was pieced together by an all-star cast of big-money scribes, including Tracy Keenan Wynn (TRIBES), Lorenzo Semple Jr. (BATMAN),
Walter Hill (48 HOURS) and Eric Roth (FORREST GUMP). Rosenberg previously directed Newman in COOL HAND LUKE. Music by Michael
Small.
DRUM (1976)--Directed by Steve Carver. Stars Ken Norton, Warren Oates, Yaphet Kotto, Isela Vega, John Colicos, Rainbeaux Smith, Pam Grier. Set in 1850 Louisiana, this ludicrous sequel to MANDINGO is just as laughable. It's hard to believe anyone could take these sordid soap opera antics seriously, but
there's no indication that the cast, director Carver (BIG BAD MAMA) or writer Norman Wexler (who adapted Kyle Onstott novels
for both MANDINGO and DRUM) are playing for camp.
Twenty years after he
is born illegitimately to white prostitute Marianna (Vega), who raised him with her black lesbian lover, Drum (boxer Norton,
who starred in MANDINGO too) grows up to be a soft-spoken slave with a rock-hard pair of fists who is called upon to bare
knuckle-box other slaves for his owner's entertainment. After pummeling his friend
Blaise (Kotto) to a bloody pulp, the two are sold to a loudmouthed plantation owner named Hammond Maxwell (top-billed Oates)
and taken to his elaborate plantation to work. Maxwell is obnoxious and ignorant,
but not overly cruel to his slaves--at least not in comparison to Drum's previous owner, a demented homosexual Frenchman named
Bernard (Colicos) who keeps trying to kill Drum after the slave rejected his sexual advances.
Although perhaps "overly cruel" has to be judged in context, since Maxwell does hang two of his slaves upside-down
and naked and whip them as punishment for fighting, and threatens to castrate one for allegedly having sex with his spoiled
teenage daughter ('70s drive-in queen Smith).
What
amazes me the most about DRUM is that it was released by a major Hollywood studio, United Artists. Reportedly Paramount, which financed and distributed MANDINGO, refused to take the sequel (perhaps because
of negative publicity, although it isn't any more offensive than MANDINGO and Paramount did later release FRIDAY THE 13TH),
so UA jumped in. Filled to the brim with nudity, violence, trashy dialogue, racial
slurs and terrible acting, DRUM is a terrific showcase for humiliating talented actors.
Whether it's Oates confirming to his "bed wench" (Grier), "You knows I likes big titties", or Kotto enduring the sexual
teasing of potty-mouthed young Rainbeaux or Colicos rubbing Drum's burly shoulders, lisping how much the young "buck" will
"love it", plenty of shame is available to go around, and I find this type of all-star ineptness enormously entertaining. Norton is clearly not an actor, cast only because of his body and unfairly asked to
carry a film, Oates appears to be stone drunk in every scene, and Colicos is the most offensive gay stereotype you can imagine. Grier (billed as "Pamela" Grier) was a pretty big star in AIP movies by this time
and probably believed she was making a welcome leap into mainstream filmmaking, but DRUM gives her little screen time and
nothing to do except bare her breasts.
Also along for the ride are Paula Kelly, English actress Fiona Lewis, Royal
Dano, the lovely Brenda Sykes (who never made another film) and stuntman Bob Minor.
Burt Kennedy was the original director, but he either quit or was fired by producer Dino de Laurentiis and was replaced
by exploitation filmmaker Carver, who had made ARENA in Italy with Grier. Although
shot by frequent Sam Peckinpah collaborator Lucien Ballard, the cinematography is harsh and looks cheap. Music by Charlie Smalls. From the screenwriter of SERPICO.
DRUMLINE (2002)-Directed
by Charles Stone III. Stars Nick Cannon, Orlando Jones, Zoe Saldana, Leonard Roberts. Hoo boy. Just when
you thought the ROCKY-inspired sports genre had been milked for all it was worth (and a whole lot more), along comes DRUMLINE
to spread a new layer of clichés atop it. After Sylvester Stallone exposed the seedy underbelly of competitive arm wrestling
in the Cannon laughfest OVER THE TOP, Amy Irving overcame adversity to capture the classical piano contest in THE COMPETITION,
and Eminem a few weeks ago rose from the trailer parks of Detroit to rule the local rap scene in 8 MILE, it would seem Hollywood
had run out of competitions to mine. Except one. Only 20th Century Fox has the moxie to explore the riveting realm
of collegiate marching bands, which you might be surprised to learn contains more trash talk than a Thunderdome fight to the
death between Clubber Lang and Michael Ray Richardson. Not to disparage the talent, craftsmanship and hard work that
goes into it, but a 20-minute marching band competition-including a sudden death face-off between drumlines-does not make
for exciting cinema. There's a reason people leave to buy beer during halftime instead of watching the on-field entertainment.
Credit
director Charles Stone III (creator of Budweiser's "Wassup?" spots) and screenwriters Tina Gordon Chism and Shawn Schepps
for at least treating their material, as banal as it is, with dignity and sincerity. Perhaps because the setting is
an African-American university, fictitious Atlanta A&T, and they wanted to set a good example, the filmmakers resist the
urge to toss college-movie staples like keg parties, panty raids and sophomoric humor into their movie, resulting in a refreshingly
adult take on campus life, where students actually attend class and work on bettering themselves. But DRUMLINE just
can't escape a trite storyline full of elements we've seen in other, better movies.
Charismatic
Devon Miles (Nick Cannon, star of Nickelodeon's THE NICK CANNON SHOW) is a hotshot snare drummer from Harlem recruited personally
by Dr. Lee (a surprisingly effective Orlando Jones), Atlanta A&T's slightly stuffy/slightly hip band director with a penchant
for 1970's R&B. You know Devon's type. Naturally gifted but undisciplined. Skating by on flash instead
of nailing the fundamentals. If only someone was able to harness Devon's talent and shape it into a force for good.
A-ha! By ripping off AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN for awhile, DRUMLINE can introduce the character of Sean (Leonard Roberts),
the hardassed drill instructor...um, I mean...section leader who makes the percussionists run bleacher laps, do pushups and
polish the equipment if they misbehave (I guess A&T was running low on potatoes to peel). This sets up the time-honored
tradition of polar-opposite adversaries who eventually learn to respect each other and work together.
DRUMLINE's
biggest flaw is its failure to establish any real dramatic conflict. Everything comes easy to Devon. He's the
best raw drummer in the whole school; in fact, the only freshman to make the line. He's dating a sexy and sophisticated
cheerleader named Leila (Zoe Saldana). His confrontations with Sean usually lack bite, because, even though Sean seems
to be the more sensible of the two, Devon usually ends up on top. The worst thing that happens to Devon is when it's
revealed that-gasp-he's unable to read music, causing Lee to admonish the lad for lying. Well, of course, he lied.
A poor teen from Harlem is approached by a major university and offered a free four-year ride that would be immediately withdrawn
if he admitted he couldn't read notes. Who among us wouldn't lie? Instead of thoughtfully exploring this ethical
conundrum, DRUMLINE lazily skips over it, copping out by kicking Devon off the squad, no rebuttal required.
Technically,
DRUMLINE is a dream. Stone manages a few interesting camera angles, and crack editor Bill Pankow, a frequent Brian DePalma
collaborator, keeps the musical numbers moving at a brisk pace. Cannon comes across as a big smug at times, but he is
an appealing and attractive actor, handling the routine dialogue with aplomb. Jones is especially interesting here.
Stripped of the embarrassing schtick that got him noticed in 7-Up commercials and ignored in blockbusters like EVOLUTION,
Jones carries himself with much poise and articulation, as his character delves into both the creative and business ends of
big-school music departments, compromising his morals along the way.
It's
energetically and professionally made, but is DRUMLINE for you? Think about your favorite character from AMERICAN PIE.
If you're partial to the geeky and kinky flautist played by Alyson Hannigan, it just might be. Music by John Powell.
Also with GQ as the token white guy, J. Anthony Brown, Earl Poitier, Blu Cantrell and Stuart Scott.
DRUMS
OF FU MANCHU (1940)--Directed by William Witney & John English. Stars Henry Brandon, Robert Kellard, William
Royle, Gloria Franklin. Republic serials never came closer to horror than in this superior 15-chapter pulp adventure.
Future THE SEARCHERS heavy Brandon portrays Sax Rohmer's Asian creation as a thoughtful, thoroughly evil man of action, backed
up an army of lobotomized zombie soldiers (called Dacoits) with ugly scars on their foreheads and assisted by his lovely though
no less sinister daughter Fah-Lo-Suee (Franklin). The McGuffin is a sacred scepter that contains clues to the location
of Genghis Khan's tomb, which contains enough power to rule all of Asia. Much of the serial consists of a back-and-forth
battle for the scepter between Fu Manchu and his archrivals, Sir Nayland Smith (Royle) and Smith's youthful assistant Allan
Parker (Kellard). The wide-ranging screenplay bounces the action all over the world from California to India to the
Himalayas, and it provides many exciting cliffhangers for Parker to escape from, including an underwater battle with a killer
octopus. A more colorful hero like Charles Quigley or Frank Coghlan Jr. would have vaulted this into Republic's top
tier of chapterplays, but as it stands, DRUMS beats most of the competition hands down.
D-TOX (1999)--Directed by Jim Gillespie. Stars Sylvester Stallone, Charles S. Dutton, Kris Kristofferson,
Dina Meyer. Gillespie, whose I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER had been a huge hit, filmed this adult-oriented thriller
in Vancouver during the winter and spring of 1999. Universal then shelved it until early 2002, when it started playing
in almost every country except the United States. Long since having become something of a legend, due to its strong
cast and intriguing premise, D-TOX finally received a token release in September 2002, when it was dumped unceremoniously
into about fifty theaters in Michigan and Texas under the (awful) title EYE SEE YOU. I was able to screen a poor-quality
VHS dub of D-TOX with sound that was so bad, I was unable to discern much of the dialogue. It ran about 96 minutes,
but was missing end credits and much of the opening title sequence (which is pretty good), as well as the pre-credits scene,
if there was one. It was hard to judge Dean Semler's widescreen photography or John Powell's score, which I could barely hear.
First, the big question: does it suck? The answer is no, definitely
not. It isn't great, but it is a solid thriller with an outstanding cast, some gore and a neat premise. Stallone plays an
FBI agent seeking a serial killer in a major city. After the death of his girlfriend (Meyer), he becomes an alcoholic and
attempts suicide. A friend (Dutton) convinces him to go into rehab, and checks him into a very remote detox facility for law
enforcement officers only, which is run by a former cop (Kristofferson) and is located deep in the snowbound Wyoming mountains.
Robert Patrick, Robert Prosky, Jeffrey Wright and Tom Berenger play some of the detox center's inhabitants.
I have no idea what has prevented D-TOX from receiving some sort
of domestic release. It has its problems, but it's a nifty little movie that has trouble deciding whether it wants to be a
horror movie or detective thriller. There's a decent chase in the first act, and many of the killings are excitingly staged,
although a bit more gore would have livened things up a bit. Stallone's performance is just fine, but he's part of an ensemble
this time. Patrick as the group jerk probably comes off the best, and Berenger seems miscast as the dopey handyman.
One thing's for sure--D-TOX is a better film than I KNOW WHAT YOU
DID LAST SUMMER. Also with Stephen Lang, Polly Walker, Courtney B. Vance and Rance Howard. Ron Brinckerhoff based
his screenplay upon Howard Swindle's novel JITTER JOINT.
Addendum: After finally seeing the U.S. DVD, which is titled
EYE SEE YOU (THE OUTPOST is the title under which it was filmed), I can confirm that the movie is much better than its reputation.
The DVD version seems identical to the poor VHS dub I originally watched, but I could now admire the cinematography and score.
What I originally believed to be flaws still are, including Berenger's miscasting, the killer's thin motive for targeting
Stallone, and a weak revelation of the killer's identity, but EYE SEE YOU is still a decent thriller with a very good cast,
some slick action, and a high body count (even if many of the deaths occur offscreen). In fact, next to several other
2002 thrillers, like TRAPPED, BAD COMPANY and ROLLERBALL, EYE SEE YOU stacks up extremely well, and I'm baffled that no studio
saw fit to give it a major theatrical release. Could Stallone's name really be that poisonous?
DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR? (2000)--Directed by
Danny Leiner. Stars Ashton Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Kristy Swanson, Marla Sokoloff, Jennifer Garner. This stupid but
amiable comedy aimed at teenagers might have been more interesting with an R rating, with which director Leiner (FREAKS &
GEEKS) and sitcom scribe Philip Stark (THAT '70s SHOW) may have been able to inject a bit of honest, good ol' debauchery into
the proceedings. Not a sophisticated approach, perhaps, but when you're making a film aimed at 15-year-old boys, it seems
to be a logical one. Instead, stuck with a PG-13, DUDE ambles along at a sniggering pace, referring to drugs, sex and underage
drinking without actually getting involved with them.
The plot, such as it is, details a day in the life of college
student stoners Jesse (Kutcher, the Tony Danza wannabe from THAT '70s SHOW) and Chester (Scott, hilarious as insensitive Stifler
in AMERICAN PIE). An unusual one, in that they spend the day hungover trying to figure out what they did the night before.
As the (admittedly clever) title indicates, the day begins with a search for Jesse's car, which contains the anniversary presents
the two bought for their improbably stacked girlfriends Wanda (Garner, Jennifer Love Hewitt's loopy roomie on the short-lived
Fox series TIME OF YOUR LIFE) and Wilma (Sokoloff, THE PRACTICE's obnoxious secretary). Along the way, Jesse and Chester discover
a kitchen cupboard filled with pudding, a bevy of wet T-shirted strippers, leather-clad hot chicks with extremely large breasts
who demand the return of their Continuum Transfunctioner, a pair of gay Germans from outer space who may or may not want to
use the Continuum Transfunctioner to destroy the universe, a cult of twentysomethings dressed in the type of bubble-wrap one
uses to pack boxes, a rowdy pack of Earthly jocks, rampaging ostriches, a French zookeeper (a cameo by STAR TREK's Brent Spiner)
and the bodacious Christie Boner (Swanson), who apparently spent some quality back-seat time in Jesse's car the night before.
Although DUDE somehow manages not to capitalize on its wacky and
potentially comic setup, I can't say that I hated it. It certainly tries hard to be both funny and likable, and it sort of
succeeds in a shaggy dog kind of way; it almost dares you not to like it. Kutcher and Scott are a decent comedy team, while
the rest of the cast just sort of wings it. Leiner doesn't demonstrate much of a visual style, but he does keep the jokes
coming, and, at 83 minutes, you can't really say that DUDE hangs around too long. The animated opening titles are neat, some
of the more politically incorrect gags (such as Jesse and Chester's antics at a stop light) are engaging in their audacity,
and there's a refreshing lack of envelope-pushing, which, in a movie like these, usually means pouring on the gross scatological
material like its Hershey's syrup.
Also with Charlie O'Connell, Hal Sparks, David Herman, Mitzi Martin, Fabio, Andy
Dick, Stuttering John Melendez and Playmate of the Year Jodi Ann Paterson. Music by David Kitay.
DUEL
(1971)--Directed by Steven Spielberg. Stars Dennis Weaver. Spielberg's first feature was this taut, tense thriller about an
ordinary businessman (Weaver) menaced on a desert highway by an unseen truck driver. Was originally shown on TV, but was later
released in theaters with about fifteen minutes of padding. Weaver is excellent, but Spielberg is the real star here with
his quick editing style and unrelenting pace. Also with Tim Herbert, Eddie Firestone and Gene Dynarski. Stuntman Carey Lofton
"plays" the truck driver. Tight script by Richard Matheson; spooky musical score by Billy Goldenberg.
DUEL
AT DIABLO (1966)--Directed by Ralph Nelson. Stars James Garner, Sidney Poitier, Bibi Andersson, Dennis Weaver. Violent
western follows cowboys Garner and Poitier as they guide a load of ammunition across rough Apache territory. Atypical role
for Garner; he shows barely a hint of the sideways humor on which he built his career. Pretty good movie with some grisly
action scenes.
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (2005)--Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar.
Stars Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds, David Koechner. I had high hopes for this
big-budget remake of the rural hit TV series, considering the participation of director Chandrasekhar and his Broken Lizard
cohorts (SUPER TROOPERS), but poor casting and an overreliance on JACKASS-styled slapstick ruin it. Them Duke boys,
Luke (Knoxville) and Bo (Scott), run into big trouble when Hazzard County dictator Boss Hogg (Reynolds) frames them for moonshining
and steals their farmland so he can strip-mine it. The plot could have been ripped straight from the TV show--which
is fine; it only needs to be strong enough to support the car chases and genial humor--but the crass, cynical humor certainly
isn’t. I don’t want to overstate the quality of the ‘70s television series, but at least its lead
characters were intelligent, good-hearted guys who loved their family and friends. That isn’t the case in this
movie, where Cooter (Koechner) tries to solicit oral sex from Duke cousin Daisy (Simpson, who is terrible) as payment for
rebuilding their racecar, a ’69 Dodge Charger nicknamed General Lee.
Besides Kevin Heffernan, who has some fun as a redneck pal of the
Dukes, the other members of Broken Lizard are relegated to barely-there cameos, including a return of two Super Troopers that
is kinda fun, but has nothing to do with the story and feels more obtrusive than entertaining. Only Chandrasekhar as director
appears in the movie's titles as editor, writer or producer, something in which they were involved in their previous films,
although interviews indicate that they may have polished or even heavily rewritten the screenplay. They don't appear to have
much fondness for the source material, turning Bo and Luke Duke into sex-crazed morons with a penchant for causing each other
pain and embarassment. I watched the unrated DVD, which has way too many naked breasts, sex jokes and f-bombs for a
movie about the Dukes of Hazzard County. M.C. Gainey is Sheriff Rosco, downgraded from imbecile to evil minion of Boss
Hogg, and Willie Nelson is a dope-smoking, sex-minded Uncle Jesse. Also with Lynda Carter, Joe Don Baker, Nikki Griffin,
Jacqui Maxwell, James Roday, Michael Weston and Barry Corbin. Music by Nathan Barr. Waylon Jennings’ TV
theme is performed by Nelson.
DUNE (1984)--Directed by David Lynch. Stars Kyle
MacLachlan and a huge wasted cast. One of the worst films ever, which isn't surprising considering its producer, schlockmeister
Dino DeLaurentiis (KING KONG), and its director, the much overrated David Lynch (BLUE VELVET). Even at 140 minutes, Lynch's
adaptation of Frank Herbert's classic novel is hopelessly rushed. It's next to impossible to keep all the characters, plotlines
and jargon straight. It would probably be less confusing if it weren't so doggoned dull and unpleasant. It was radically re-edited
for television, broadcast in two parts with an additional 50 minutes of footage, and was hated by Lynch, who replaced his
name with the Alan Smithee pseudonym. MacLachlan is awful in the starring role. Also with Sting, Sean Young, Brad Dourif,
Max von Sydow, Dean Stockwell, Richard Jordan, Jack Nance, Patrick Stewart, Virginia Madsen, Jose Ferrer, Linda Hunt, Jurgen
Prochnow and Kenneth McMillan. Cinematography by Oscar winner Freddie Francis (THE ELEPHANT MAN). Music by Toto. When I saw
this in its initial release, theaters handed out glossaries so we could look up any unfamiliar words.
THE DUNGEONMASTER (1985)-Directed by David
Allen, Charles Band, John Carl Buechler, Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian, Ted Nicolaou, Rosemarie Turko. Stars Jeffrey
Byron, Richard Moll, Leslie Wing. I never heard of a theatrically released film crediting seven directors before.
Besides Empire Pictures head Band, this was either the first or the last film for all of them. An evil wizard named
Mestema (Moll) has traveled through time and space for centuries looking for a worthy opponent to battle with. For some
reason, he decides nerdy computer whiz Paul (Byron, who also shared scenes with Moll in Band's earlier 3D success METALSTORM:
THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN) is the guy, abducts him from his bed and forces him into deadly combat one at a time against
seven challengers. And to make sure Paul gives him a good effort, Mestema holds creamy fiancé Gwen (Wing) hostage.
A different director helmed each segment; for instance, Allen's, which
is probably the best, pits Paul and his wrist computer against a stop-motion-animated rock creature, whereas the lamest, Ford's,
plops our hero into a city street being stalked by a serial killer. Like a lot of Empire pictures, THE DUNGEONMASTER
smells of sloppy production and disjointed post-production, but if you don't care whether a film makes any sense of not, you
might like this one. The ending is a major letdown, but at less than an hour and 15 minutes, you won't have time to
be bored. Ford, the son of President Gerald Ford, was the only director not to also write his segment (actor Byron
did the honors there); the pseudonymous "Allen Actor" receives writing credit during the opening titles, but the end credits
speak the truth. Music by Richard Band and Shirley Walker. Seen overseas as RAGEWAR.
DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (2000)--Directed by
Courtney Solomon. Stars Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalen, Marlon Wayans, Kristen Wilson, Zoe McLellan, Thora Birch, Bruce Payne,
Lee Arenberg. This awful fantasy came along about fifteen years too late to cash in on Dungeons & Dragons, the popular
role-playing game created by Gary Gygax that peaked in the 80s. A pair of idiot thieves, Ridley (Whalen) and Snails (Wayans),
are reluctantly plunged into a quest to find a magical scepter that can control the deadly monstrous dragons used by warring
factions to attack each other. Whoever controls the dragons can rule the world, and that's the obsession of evil warlord Profion
(Irons, embarrassing himself badly here), who, along with blue-lipsticked sidekick Damodar (Payne), wants to overthrow the
rule of Empress Savina (Birch). Ridley and Snails team up with cute magic-user Marina (McLellan), feisty elf Norda (Wilson)
and grotesque dwarf Elwood (Arenberg) to capture the scepter before Profion can get his hammy hands on it.
One of
the worst films of its kind ever made, DUNGEONS & DRAGONS is weak in every respect--murky cinematography, cheap visual
effects, hamfisted editing, and strained performers speaking silly dialogue in an ill-conceived and confusing plot. Most offensive,
however, is the inherent racism of the Snails character, which is portrayed by Wayans as the Second Coming of Stepin Fetchit.
Snails is greedy, stupid, obnoxious, horny and an embarrassing stereotype of the type of shiftless black that was in execrable
taste back in the 1930s and is absolutely indefensible today. Not even the great Mantan Moreland, a much better actor than
Marlon Wayans, could have made this character any more than the disturbing throwback that it is.
At least Wayans shows
some energy. Whalin (Jimmy Olsen from LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN) is one of the adventure genre's most
charmless leads, and Birch, Wilson and McLellan can barely muster the verve to speak. Irons, at the other end of the spectrum,
must have realized too late what he was getting into, and chose to have as much fun as he possibly could. Unfortunately for
the audience, his strident overacting is unbearably shameful. Also with Richard O'Brien (THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW), Tom
Baker (DOCTOR WHO) and David O'Kelly. Music by Justin Caine Burnett. A staggering 17 (!) producers are credited.
DUPLICITY (2009)—Directed by Tony Gilroy. Stars
Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Tom Wilkinson, Paul Giamatti, Tom McCarthy, Denis O’Hare. Tony Gilroy, who wrote three Jason
Bourne adventures and made his directorial debut with the Oscar-winning MICHAEL CLAYTON, navigates a steady helm and provides
Julia Roberts with the juiciest leading lady role she’s had in many a moon. Despite all that and Gilroy’s frequently
witty screenplay, DUPLICITY was not a box-office hit, many believe because it was too smart for commercial audiences. Well,
yeah, there is a lot to keep track of with all the crosses—double, triple, and otherwise—going on, but I think
audience malaise was more due to nobody being interested in Clive Owen or Julia Roberts in 2009.
Claire (Roberts) and Ray (Owen) are corporate spies working for rival
pharmaceutical CEOs. When Ray’s boss (Giamatti) discovers his enemy Wilkinson is rolling out a new product in six days,
the two agents become involved in keeping it away from one another. Or something like that. It’s sometimes hard to tell,
and, honestly, Gilroy’s screenplay is more complicated than it needs to be. The stars are attractive when they bicker,
but they don’t generate any heat together. Frankly, it all becomes repetitive and tiresome after a bit, and I lost interest
long before the twist in the tail. With another rewrite and two brighter stars, I think DUPLICITY could have been a winner.
D-WAR:
DRAGON WARS (2007)—Directed by Hyung-rae Shim. Stars Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, Robert Forster, Craig
Robinson, Chris Mulkey, Elizabeth Pena, Geoff Pierson, Aimee Garcia. The hilariously redundant D-WAR: DRAGON WARS is
reportedly the most expensive South Korean film ever made, something like $70 million. And it's all up on the screen, particularly
a mid-section setpiece in which a mean giant snake blasts its way through downtown Los Angeles, upending cars and smashing
buildings and knocking Apache helicopters out of the sky. The CGI effects, created by the writer/director Hyung-rae Shim in
his own special effects studio, are mostly impressive, and the ambitious storyline reaches out to 16th-century Asia for a
romantically rendered flashback inspired by popular wuxia like CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON.
I say the budget is all up on the screen, because little of it
appears to have been used to buy charismatic young stars or an intelligent screenplay. D-WAR is a deliriously silly movie
with little regard for its plot. Coincidences, such as the one that brings its hero, a cable news reporter named Ethan (Jason
Behr, who has unusual tastes in hair and wardrobe for a major news star), and its heroine, empty-eyed 20-year-old Sarah (Amanda
Brooks), together to jump-start the plot, abound. I don't know how fluent Shim is in English, but an unfamiliarity with the
language might explain Ethan's database search for women of a certain age named "Sarah" without taking into consideration
the thousands of "Saras" roaming around L.A. Though I don't know how to explain Ethan taking a bullet in the shoulder, and
then getting off the ground without even a grimace or a hole in his shirt with an injury that is never acknowledged for the
rest of the running time.
For a movie that ultimately boils down to two giant serpents wrestling
each other, the backstory is needlessly complicated. Luckily, Shim hired the fine actor Robert Forster to explain it to a
young Ethan in a flashback that leads to a flashback-inside-a-flashback. Basically, 500 years ago, a young Korean girl was
born with the Yuh Yi Joo inside of her--an energy to be transferred from her on her 20th birthday to a "good" serpent--the
Imoogi--and transform it into a dragon. However, an evil serpent--Baraki--wants the Yuh Yi Joo, so he can turn into an evil
dragon. He can also turn himself to a Korean-speaking man who resembles a white-haired Richard Moll, and has an army of Lucasian
warriors and creatures to assist his quest for the Yuh Yi Joo.
He fails to get it 500 years ago, and is now back to get it in
Los Angeles, where Ethan, the reincarnation of the young warrior pressed into service protecting the girl five centuries ago,
discovers the Yuh Yi Joo is inside Sarah, who has no family and apparently no job or schooling, but lives with a roommate
in a comfortable house in the suburbs. Forster, as Jack, the antique-store owner who knows everything about the Imoogi legend,
dies--maybe, I think, it's hard to say for sure--but pops up often in ghost form, either to provide Ethan with a periodic
pep talk or just to kick the asses of some muggers giving Sarah a hard time outside a bar.
D-WAR was reportedly shorn of at least 17 minutes before its U.S.
theatrical run this summer, which may explain some of the plot holes, like why the FBI knows more about an obscure Korean
legend than the leads do or what scientist Elizabeth Pena's question about diamonds being the Earth's hardest substance has
to do with anything. Some of D-WAR's dialogue comes across like NON SEQUITUR THEATER. It's hard to hate any movie, though,
that unironically features that time-tested tradition of giant-monster movies--the scene in which a bunch of cops fire their
pistols in vain at a huge snake that has already knocked down a few dozen buildings. Plus, in another (unintentional?) nod
to monster movies of the past, the Baraki's evil lair is none other than camera-friendly Bronson Canyon. Throw in not one
but two Wilhelm Screams, and D-WAR comes across as such stupid fun that only a cur would point out that there's only one dragon
in the movie, so there could hardly be any dragon wars.
DYING ROOM ONLY (1973)—Directed by Phillip
Leacock. Stars Cloris Leachman, Ross Martin, Ned Beatty, Dabney Coleman, Dana Elcar, Louise Latham, Ron Feinberg.
A normal married couple drives across the Arizona desert on their way home from a vacation. They stop off for a bite
to eat at a dinky roadside café. The wife, Jean (Leachman), goes into the ladies’ room to freshen up. When
she exits a minute later, her husband Bob (Coleman) is gone. Richard Matheson based this suspenseful mystery on his
1953 short story. Leacock (BAFFLED) tells the simple but clever tale economically using a paucity of sets that accentuates
Leachman’s paranoia. Performances are excellent all around, including Martin and Beatty as the suspicious café
proprietors and Elcar as the sympathetic sheriff who believes Bob simply ran out on his excitable wife. The movie’s
only weakness is a strong payoff; I appreciate the way Matheson and Leacock dangle clues to let us piece together the mystery
ourselves, but too much is left unclear at the final fade. Music by Charles Fox. The ABC Movie of the Week aired
September 18, 1973.
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