THE CORPSE VANISHES (1942)--Directed by Wallace Fox. Stars Bela Lugosi, Elizabeth Russell, Luana Walters. Unbelievably bad Monogram "horror" starring Bela as a nutty botanist who kidnaps young brides on their wedding day by dosing their corsages with a gas that makes them pass out. He's assisted by hulking moron Frank Moran and giddy dwarf Angelo Rossitto (who play brothers!). Bela hopes to use the spinal fluid of his victims (why they have to be newly married young women is never specified) to restore the youth of his bitter aging wife (Russell). Only 64 minutes long, but it packs a lot of laughs. Also with Minerva Urecal and Tristram Coffin as the hero.

COTTON COMES TO HARLEM (1970)--Directed by Ossie Davis.  Stars Godfrey Cambridge, Raymond St. Jacques, Calvin Lockhart, Judy Pace.  Actor Davis directed the first film to be based upon the successful crime novels of Chester Himes.  Harlem detectives Gravedigger Jones (Cambridge) and Coffin Ed Johnson (St. Jacques) investigate a shady preacher named Deke O'Malley (Lockhart), and end up trying to find a bale of cotton containing $87,000 before the mob gets to it.  The screenplay, co-written by Davis, is a bit creaky and crude, but it also features plenty of violence, car chases, humor, memorable Harlem locations and a dose of sex, courtesy of the delectable Pace.  Co-stars John Anderson, J.D. Cannon, Redd Foxx, Cleavon Little, Lou Jacobi, Eugene Roche, Melba Moore, Dick Sabol and Emily Yancy.  Cambridge and St. Jacques returned two years later in COME BACK, CHARLESTON BLUE.  Produced by Samuel Goldwyn, Jr.

COVER GIRL MODELS (1975)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.  Stars John Kramer, Tara Strohmeier, Lindsay Bloom, Pat Anderson.  Following the same "Three Girls" formula that made such films as SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS, THE STUDENT TEACHERS and NIGHT CALL NURSES big hits for Roger Corman's New World Pictures, Santiago filmed this clumsy drive-in flick on location in Hong Kong and Singapore.  Mark (New World regular Kramer), a mustachioed photographer for a women's magazine, recruits a trio of lovely models for an overseas photo shoot.  In addition to posing in skimpy bikinis, Claire (Bloom) poses as a call girl to attract the attention of a movie mogul, Barbara (Anderson) becomes an unwitting courier of secret microfilm sewed into the hem of her dress, and bubbly neophyte Mandy (Strohmeier) tries to learn the do's and don'ts of both modeling and lovemaking from stud Mark.

Anyone who's seen more than a couple of Santiago's movies knows what to expect, including inept fight choreography, lots of padding and plenty of female breasts.  On that note, redheaded Strohmeier, so memorable in HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD and KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, appears naked the most, offering a tantalizing mixture of sexiness and fresh-faced innocence.  None of the various subplots are presented very well, although there's something hilarious about Anderson's frequent kidnapping attempts, all of which seem to be prevented by a kung fu kicking Filipino agent who appears out of nowhere just in time to lay the smack down on her assailants.  Even at a mere 72 minutes, COVER GIRL MODELS feels padded with interminable shots of the girls posing for pictures or wandering around town, but at least they're attractive to look at.  Look for Mary Woronov in the opening scene as Mark's editor.  Also with Vic Diaz, Tony Ferrar, Ken Metcalfe and Rhonda Leigh Hopkins, who starred with Anderson in SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHERS.  Kramer appeared with both Woronov and Strohmeier in HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.  Bloom found a regular gig as Stacy Keach's Velda in his MIKE HAMMER, PRIVATE EYE TV series.

COWBOY BEBOP: THE MOVIE (2001)--Directed by Shinichiro Watanabe.  Stars the voices of Steven Jay Blum, Beau Billingslea, Wendee Lee, Melissa Charles, Jennifer Hale, Daran Norris.  Larger-than-life characters, dazzling visual effects, intricate gadgetry, loud explosions and enough bloody violence to earn an R rating from the MPAA.  Sounds like a typical summertime action blockbuster, doesn't it?  But COWBOY BEBOP: THE MOVIE is a little different in that it's an animated film.  You've doubtlessly seen few R-rated cartoons, but this one is more than a novelty.  It's an entertaining adventure that shows how far animation and imagination have come since the days of Jonny Quest's hovercraft.

Originally titled COWBOY BEBOP: KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN' S DOOR (an evocative title that unfortunately went by the wayside shortly after Columbia TriStar acquired it for American theatrical distribution), COWBOY BEBOP: THE MOVIE is based on COWBOY BEBOP, a popular Japanese animated television series about four futuristic bounty hunters.  26 episodes were made, and have been televised in the U.S. as part of Cartoon Network's entertaining ADULT SWIM block.  The same characters appear in the film:  charismatic leader Spike Spiegel (whose English is dubbed by actor Steven Jay Blum), gruff Jet Black (Beau Billingslea), tough grrl Faye Valentine (Wendee Lee) and eccentric computer hacker Edward (Melissa Charles), a young girl whose appearance and behavior seems a bit out of place, even in this science-fiction setting.

I'm not very familiar with the television series (where perhaps Edward's demeanor makes sense), but I had little problem following the movie's storyline and no problem enjoying the movie.  The setting is Mars in the year 2070.   More specifically, the metropolis of Alba City, which looks a lot like New York City of Earth, except for that Eiffel Tower downtown and an even larger spectrum of ethnic disparity in its population.  Tired of eating the same boring noodles every day and forced to sustain themselves by capturing low-paying convenience-store robbers, the Cowboy Bebop team is invigorated by the promise of 3,000,000 woolongs (that's a lot of money, I'm sure) for their latest mission, the explosion of a chemical tanker in downtown Alba City.  The destruction and the deaths it caused were the opening volley in a bio-terrorism plot launched by rogue government agent Vincent Volaju (Daran Norris), who has stolen a virus which causes "nanomachines"--microscopic robots made of protein--to infect the bloodstream of its victims, causing almost-immediate death.  Also to contend with is a sexy agent named Elektra (Jennifer Hale), Vincent's former lover who becomes Spike's reluctant partner and a target of the same government forces that created the deadly virus.

As with much anime, COWBOY BEBOP is wondrous to look at, packed with realistic backgrounds, vibrant colors and a compelling energy that echoes that of its characters.  Even the "extras", the figures who occupy the back alleys and crowded streets of Alba City, are fully fleshed out, provided with characterization that leaks through their detailed faces.  It's a kind of "SF noir" that director Shinichiro Watanabe has created, mixing mean-street atmosphere with a clean, futuristic dynamism that includes spaceships and monorails and pervasive advertising on every marquee.  The action is crisp and tightly edited, featuring truly exciting dogfights and shootouts and chases and better martial-arts battles than you're apt to find in American live-action movies.  Not even Buffy would be much of a match for Elektra's slinky moves.  Adding to the flavor is a wonderfully eclectic musical score by Yoko Kanno, which bundles New Orleans-style jazz, 1970's-era funk, pounding techno and a few well-composed songs into a sonic buzz that reflects the offbeat nature of the story and characters, as well as punctuating the action.

Ironically, COWBOY BEBOP in many ways comes across as less of a cartoon than many live-action films.  Certainly the dialogue carries a poetic elegance you won't find in any Bruce Willis movie, and while the bad guy/good guy/girl-who-loves-them-both triangle has been done before, the writing and performances here wring extra emotion from the situation, adding poignancy to the slambang action climax.  On the other hand, there's a lot of humor and fun that counterbalance the drama, and the concept of setting the finale at a massive Macy's-type Halloween parade featuring fireworks and enormous pumpkin balloons really captures BEBOP's freewheeling spirit.  If you're unfamiliar with the Japanese anime style, COWBOY BEBOP may be a good way to get started, since its plot, action and characters so closely mirror those of contemporary American cinema.  It's exciting, well-paced (not that it couldn't lose ten minutes or so in the middle) and absorbing enough to almost make you forget that everything you see is made of ink.

CRACKERJACK (1994)--Directed by Michael Mazo.  Stars Thomas Ian Griffith, Christopher Plummer, Nastassja Kinski.  DIE HARD at a ski resort.  Jack Wild (Griffith) is one of those typically burned-out movie cops--drunk, violent, abusive, disrespectful of authority.  A lone wolf.  You know the drill.  Determined to get Jack back on track after the deaths of his wife and children in a car bomb meant for him, his brother and sister-in-law invite him for a vacation at a Rocky Mountain lodge located below a huge glacier.  Wouldn't you just know that the resort is scheduled to be robbed and destroyed by a squad of mercenaries the very same night Jack and his family arrive?  And that the terrorist leader (Plummer) is the same man who murdered Jack's wife?  How do screenwriters Michael Bafaro and Jonas Quastel pile up the coincidences and lazy plotholes?  Let me count the ways.  To give CRACKERJACK (Wild's nickname) its due, it's watchable enough, thanks to Plummer's mugging, plentiful fights and shootouts, and some surprisingly professional miniature effects.  Griffith is little better than wooden, and Kinski looks beautiful, but has very little to do.  From the director of TIME RUNNER.

CRASH AND BURN (1990)—Directed by Charles Band.  Stars Paul Ganus, Megan Ward, Ralph Waite, Bill Moseley, Eva LaRue, Jack McGee, Katherine Armstrong, Elizabeth Maclellan.  You’ll certainly feel ripped off after viewing this Full Moon effort.  The marketing features a cool-looking giant robot along the lines of Band’s ROBOT JOX and ROBOT WARS.  What you get instead is a tame ripoff of THE TERMINATOR and TEN LITTLE INDIANS with about two minutes of lifeless robot action at the end.  It’s 2030, and global warming has ruined the atmosphere, making it nearly impossible to spend any length of time outdoors without protection.  Trapped in a former power station, which has been transformed into Waite’s low-wattage TV station, a group of strangers has to discover which of them is actually a robot sent from the oppressive home office to kill them.  Is it the company messenger boy (Ganus), Waite’s granddaughter (Ward), the sleazy talk-show host (McGee), the schoolteacher (LaRue), the handyman (Moseley) or one of the porn actresses (Maclellan, Armstrong)?  Who cares?  Slow-moving with a clichéd script by J.S. Cardone (8MM 2), Band’s movie crashes and burns dramatically, despite reuniting the cinematographer (Mac Ahlberg) and composer (Richard Band) of RE-ANIMATOR.  Also with John Davis Chandler.

CRASH DIVE (1996)--Directed by Andrew Stevens.  Stars Michael Dudikoff, Frederic Forrest, Reiner Schone.  This military-oriented direct-to-video action movie is dumb enough to have been directed by Fred Olen Ray, but Ray's frequent employer, Royal Oaks Entertainment head Stevens, did the duty this time.  Dudikoff is James Carter, a former Navy SEAL and designer of the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Ulysses.  When the Ulysses is (easily) hijacked by five Russian terrorists, Admiral Pendleton (Forrest) deduces that only Carter can prevent head baddie Richter (Schone) from destroying New York City with a nuke.  Carter gains access to the sub by out swimming it (!) and rapping a Morse code message on the hatch, spurring the radioman to understand his signal and open the door.  Like COUNTER MEASURES and AGENT RED, CRASH DIVE is essentially DIE HARD on a sub, as Dudikoff wanders around the they-all-look-alike sets, bumping off the bad guys one at a time.  Only two things really stand out about CRASH DIVE.  One is that co-star Catherine Bell, who looks fetching in her Naval uniform, surely landed her starring role on the JAG TV series from this movie.  And the familiar musical score by David and Eric Wurst, written expressly for CRASH DIVE, has popped up in several DTV features since, including RANGERS, COUNTER MEASURES and ACTIVE STEALTH.  Also with Jay Acovone, Michael Cavanaugh, Clay Greenbush, Christopher Titus, Peter Avellino and Elena DeBurdo.  Dudikoff's follow-up, COUNTER MEASURES, was titled CRASH DIVE 2 in some regions.

CRASH LANDING (2006)—Directed by Jim Wynorski.  Stars Antonio Sabato Jr., Michael Pare, Brianne Davis, Rene Rivera, Kevin Dobson, Steve Eastin.  I fear Wynorski’s days as an interesting independent filmmaker may be long in the past.  Although his soft-porn quickies for late-night cable are likely even worse, amateurish productions such as the shot-on-video CHEERLEADER MASSACRE and this poorly scripted and produced DIE HARD ripoff are light-years away from the light adventure and sci-fi quickies he made in the 1980’s or even the competent B-star-filled “stock footage” action movies he churned out several years ago.  CRASH LANDING is in that same vein, but with much lower production values, community theater casting, and lousy scripting.

Major John Masters (Sabato) is hired by wealthy Henderson Davis (Dobson) to chaperone his daughter’s 22nd birthday party, which is to take place on a 13-hour 747 flight from Chicago to Australia.  I don’t know how a man, even a rich one, goes about hiring an Air Force officer to play bodyguard, but there you go.  The daughter, Rochelle (Davis), takes a disliking to Masters for absolutely no reason at all, and her friends are your typical bunch of obnoxious beautiful (and Caucasian) young men and women.

Murphy’s Law exploded all over the screenplay by Wynorski, Bill Monroe and Paul Birkett.  The flight crew (led by the Middle Eastern-looking Rivera) hijacks the 747, which is fatally damaged and heading smack into a monsoon.  Meanwhile, the pilot is wounded, leaving Masters as the only one aboard who can fly the plane, which is leaking fuel and can only land on a tiny atoll manned by a handful of Army Air Corpsmen who have to build a runaway long enough to accommodate a 747 in about an hour in the middle of a Category 3 storm.  Never mind that the men were earlier bitching about how they were going to finish the job in five days!

The film’s biggest problem is that none of these handicaps seem very difficult to overcome.  Masters takes out all five hijackers with incredible ease, and when Captain Williams (Pare) needs to explode a giant rock blocking the runway he’s digging, hey, it’s a cinch.  We never really see the men on the ground clearing the runway—it just appears.  A cop (Eastin) stumbles onto a few accident victims, and—completely off-screen—solves the mystery and discovers the hijacking.  Clumsy continuity finds Dobson still hanging around the airport several hours after his daughter’s place departed (probably because the actor filmed all of his scenes in one day there), not that he ever seems overly concerned with her fate.  He probably read the end of the screenplay.

Hidden Fortress’ visual effects work is unbearable.  It’s no exaggeration to say that rear-projection effects of the 1940s provided a more realistic look than Hidden Fortress’ green-screen shots, and the grainy cartoon airplane exteriors are the pits.  They seem to fit with the cast though; Wynorski’s apparent strategy to cast women he’d like to sleep with over women who can act is evident here.  Female lead Davis is a dreadful actress, yet still better than the two bimbos whose car flies over a cliff in an early scene (created solely to allow Wynorski to use more stock footage).

Whereas one used to be able to count on Wynorski to deliver a professional-looking film with humor, action and good-natured nudity (he drops the ball on a bathtub scene in CRASH LANDING), he now seems only interesting in churning out as many films as possible for a paycheck.  He never was a subtle or artistic filmmaker, but he at least used to be a reliable craftsman.  I don’t believe he still is.  Also with John Beck, Sandra McCoy, Robert Clotworthy, Haley Joel, Mercedes Colon and Stefanie Sherk.

THE CRAWLING HAND (1963)--Directed by Herbert L. Strock. Stars Rod Lauren, Sirry Stephan, Alan Hale Jr. Wacky low-budget horror film shot in Florida about a medical student who finds an amputated arm on the beach, which takes over his mind and forces him to strangle people. The arm belonged to an astronaut who went crazy in space and was blown up by NASA scientists. You'll love this for the cast alone; besides the Skipper from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (as the sheriff), look for Allison Hayes, Peter Breck and Kent Taylor. Strock also wrote and edited this silliness. He also made I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN.

THE CRAZIES (1973)--Directed by George A. Romero.  Stars Lane Carroll, Will MacMillan, Harold Wayne Jones.  Five years after his landmark NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, Romero once again terrorized small-town Pennsylvania in this effective low-budget thriller.  After a plane carrying a virus that turns its victims into raving homicidal maniacs crashes near Evans City, the Army invades the small town, declaring martial law, setting up roadblocks and using deadly force against those citizens who oppose the containment-suit-wearing soldiers who burst into their homes.  While a dyspeptic scientist races to find a cure, a group of five residents, including a pair of volunteer firemen and the pregnant wife of one of them, attempt to discover what's happening to their town.  It's quite crudely directed and amateurishly acted, but THE CRAZIES is one of Romero's better-paced pictures and offers a nihilistic flavor that will be familiar to NOTLD fans.  Originally titled CODE NAME: TRIXIE.  Also with Lynn Lowry, Richard Liberty, Harry Spillman and Richard France.  Romero plays the town's effusive mayor, and Carole Bayer Sager and Melissa Manchester wrote the optimistic closing theme song.

CREATURE (1985)--Directed by William Malone. Stars Klaus Kinski, Stan Ivan, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward. Still another ALIEN ripoff with paper-thin characters forced to act stupidly in order to make it easier for a man-in-a-rubber-suit monster to bump them off one at a time. An American research team travels to Titan, one of Jupiter's moons, to investigate some ancient artifacts that left a previous expedition dead. The Americans discover their West German rivals have beaten them there, but that they have all been brutally murdered. That is, except for one: Kinski, who informs the new arrivals that they're being stalked by a 200,000-year-old creature that subsists on human blood, and is able to control the dead using squishy control devices attached to the back of the corpses heads. The miniature work and production design by future Oscar-winner Robert Skotak (ALIENS) is pretty good, considering the film's reported $4 million budget. The many gore effects by Jill Rockow are also decent, and are really the main reason to watch this--faces are ripped off, heads explode, and blood splashes everywhere. Besides Kinski, whose role as a lascivious, sandwich-chomping astronaut is sadly brief and is really more of a cameo, the only satisfactory performances are given by pretty Schaal as a brainy scientist (who is forced by director Malone and Alan Reed's script to do some pretty idiotic things) and Ivar as the ships captain. Ward as the arrogant corporate lackey who's responsible for the party's trouble will be instantly recognizable as Matthew Broderick's clueless dad in FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Also with Robert Jaffe, Diane Salinger, Annette McCarthy and Marie Laurin (who has the film's only nude scene). Exciting orchestral score by Thomas Chase and Steve Rucker makes the action seem more exciting than it actually is, and helps to lend a big-budget feel to the proceedings. From the director of the 1999 HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remake.

CREATURE FROM BLACK LAKE (1976)—Directed by Joy N. Houck Jr.  Stars Jack Elam, John David Carson, Dennis Fimple, Thurman.  Obviously inspired by Charles Pierce’s successful low-budget Sasquatch “documentary,” THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK, another noted Southern exploitation filmmaker tries to raise forearm hairs with this padded though watchable PG horror movie.  Chicago grad students Rives (Carson) and Pahoo (Fimple) drive a van to Louisiana, where they plan to investigate sightings of a hairy 8-foot biped that has reportedly been attacking the locals for decades.  The small town of Oil City is tight-lipped about the “Creature,” and the local sheriff (Thurman) advises the boys to get on back home, y’hear?  Carson and Fimple (usually cast as comic-relief rednecks or heavies) take advantage of the monster’s infrequent appearances to fill time with characterization, such as Fimple’s preoccupation with hamburgers.  More monster attacks and less male bonding would have been preferable, particularly a subplot involving the guys’ romantic pursuit of a pair of local jailbait that goes nowhere, but you could do much worse than to spend screen time following these likable guys.  Top-billed Elam plays a supporting part as a crazy old local drunk who tries to shoot it out with the monster in his shack.  Also with Dub Taylor and Jim McCullough Jr., who also wrote the screenplay for his father the producer, Jim McCullough.  Music by Jaime Mendoza-Nava, who also shot THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK.

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)--Directed by Jack Arnold. Stars Richard Carlson, Julie Adams, Richard Denning, Whit Bissell. One of the best and most popular Universal horror films of the 1950s. Explorers in the Amazon discover an intelligent Gill Man and try to capture him for study; the creature knows how to fight back, killing many people, while falling in love with the lovely Adams. Very similar to KING KONG, but on a smaller scale. Arnold generates a certain amount of suspense, even though, unlike many other monster movies, the creature gets a lot of screen time. Adams is a gorgeous heroine; the sight of her swimming in a white one-piece bathing suit while the Gill Man looks on will linger in young mens' minds forever. Originally released in 3-D. Ben Chapman played the Gill Man on land; Ricou Browning in the water. Universal makeup artists Bud Westmore and Jack Keven created the creature's memorable look. From the director of THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN.

CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION (1965)--Directed by Larry Buchanan.  Stars Les Tremayne, Aron Kincaid, Pat Delany.  AIP gave Texas filmmaker Buchanan about $75,000 each to remake several of their pictures to sell to television, including 1956's THE SHE-CREATURE.  Tremayne takes the Chester Morris role as Basso, a stage hypnotist playing a swanky resort who predicts a series of baffling murders that are being committed by a sea monster.  Oh, brother, wait 'til you see it--a man wearing a green rubber suit with ping-pong-ball eyes.  It's about as scary as a pair of bunny flip-flops.  Of course, Basso can predict the murders, because he's causing them, using his hypnotic powers to regress his pretty assistant (Delany) into the killer creature.  Beach movie regular Kincaid, reluctantly finishing up his AIP contract, is hilariously miscast as an Air Force psychologist investigating Basso.  Filmed almost entirely within a country club in Lake Texoma, Texas, CREATURE is a typically inept Buchanan monster picture, full of dreary pacing, stilted performances, laughable suspense and cheap production values.  Also with Neil Fletcher and "Special Guest" Scotty McKay.  The score was compiled from previous AIP soundtracks.

CREATURE WITH THE ATOM BRAIN (1955)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn.  Stars Richard Denning, S. John Launer, Michael Granger, Gregory Gaye.  One of the all-time great titles adorns this Columbia science fiction movie, which doesn’t quite live up to its name, but what could?  It’s pretty entertaining nonetheless, and clips right along at a just-right 69-minute pace.  Denning is perfectly cast as a police scientist investigating a series of murders that appear to have been committed by a bulletproof assailant with super-strength.  Revenge is the motive, as exiled gangster Granger returns to Los Angeles to kill those responsible for his imprisonment.  He recruits a former Nazi scientist (Gaye), who electronically returns corpses to life as obedient radio-controlled zombies, which are then sent by Granger to crush his enemies.  Of course it’s silly, but also quite fun, and even manages to be poignant when Denning’s best pal, detective Launer, becomes one of Gaye’s creatures.  By the way, there are actually several “creatures” in the film, and one highlight is their fight with cops on the front lawn of Granger’s estate.  Also with Angela Stevens, Tris Coffin, Pierre Watkin and Linda Bennett.  Watch for a blooper when Denning sends the little girl playing his daughter upstairs to her room.  In the background, you can see her stop and sit at the top of the stairs, probably because that was the edge of the set!

CREATURE WITH THE BLUE HAND (1968)--Directed by Alfred Vohrer.  Stars Klaus Kinski, Harald Leipnitz, Diane Korner.  Dave Emerson (Kinski, who doesn't look anything like a "Dave Emerson") breaks out of the insane asylum where he has been sentenced for a murder he claims he never committed and returns to the family castle to hide out.  No sooner is he back than a series of brutal murders occur on the grounds, the victims apparently slashed to death by a blue metal claw.  Scotland Yard inspector Craig (Leipnitz) investigates the crimes, not an easy task considering the red herrings in this Edgar Wallace story, which include Dave's beautiful sister (Korner), the butler, the director of the mental institution and even Dave's twin brother Richard (also portrayed by Kinski)!  This colorful, eccentric mystery includes all the hallmarks of a West German krimi, including secret passages, lurid murders and an uneasy deathtrap involving a room filled with rats and snakes.  An odd footnote to CREATURE's production history--twenty years later, rights owner Sam Sherman directed new footage of gore and nudity and crudely spliced it into the film, creating an ugly hybrid titled THE BLOODY DEAD, which should probably be avoided. 

THE CREEPING FLESH (1973)--Directed by Freddie Francis. Stars Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Lorna Heilbron. Good British chiller in the Hammer vein starring Cushing as a scientist who returns from an expedition to New Guinea with a mysterious skeleton. When the bones get wet, they come back to life. Cushing's unscrupulous brother Lee steals the skeleton during a rainstorm. Bad move, Chris. Also with Michael Ripper and George Benson.

CREEPOZOIDS (1987)--Directed by David DeCoteau.  Stars Linnea Quigley, Ken Abraham, Richard Hawkins, Michael Aranda, Kim McKamy.  Cheap, boring post-apocalyptic ALIEN ripoff about five futuristic Army deserters who hide out during an acid rainstorm inside an abandoned scientific facility.  Between shower scenes and putdowns, the soldiers are ripped apart by one of the failed experiments, a gooey, stiff-looking monster that roams the hallways.  Linnea pops her top, which counts for something.  DeCoteau must have been desperate to pad the film, throwing in a silly-looking mutant baby near the end, but even at 72 minutes, the film drags.  He made this one for Charles Band's Empire Pictures and still directs several shoddy direct-to-video movies a year.

CREEPSHOW (1982)--Directed by George A. Romero. Stars Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, E.G. Marshall, Fritz Weaver, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook. An homage to the EC horror comics of the 1950s, this collaboration between the director of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and writer Stephen King is a collection of five short vignettes, all with twist endings and touches of black humor. All are good; the final segment with Marshall battling an army of cockroaches is the best. King has a role in one story as a redneck farmer afflicted with a space disease after coming into contact with a strange meteor. Makeup by gore expert Tom Savini.

CREEPSHOW II (1987)--Directed by Michael Gornick. Stars George Kennedy, Dorothy Lamour, Lois Chiles, Tom Savini. Inferior sequel to the 1982 hit, despite the participation of original writer Stephen King, producer George A. Romero and special effects guru Savini. Savini also acts in this one, introducing the three stories as a character called "The Creep". A wooden cigar store Indian comes alive to avenge the killings of storeowners Kennedy and Lamour; four sex-starved teens are stranded on a raft by a killer oil slick; the ghost of her victim chases hit-and-run driver Chiles. King does a cameo as a truck driver. Gornick was the cinematographer on the original CREEPSHOW.

THE CREMATORS (1972)—Directed by Harry Essex.  Stars Marvin Howard, Maria de Aragon, Eric Allison.  A giant fireball from outer space (represented by a cheap and unconvincing animated optical effect) rolls across the western United States, incinerating various victims, while some scientists try to figure out what’s happening.  Plodding pacing, poor acting, and shoddy special effects combine for a sleep-inducing experience.  Essex also directed OCTAMAN and the original I, THE JURY, but is best known for writing IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE and CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON for Universal-International.

THE CREW (2000)--Directed by Michael Dinner. Stars Richard Dreyfuss, Burt Reynolds, Dan Hedaya, Seymour Cassel. Just call it GRUMPY OLD GOOMBAHS. Less than a month after GRUMPY OLD ASTRONAUTS--otherwise known as Clint Eastwood's SPACE COWBOYS--hit theaters nationwide, Touchstone has released another feel-good movie about a quartet of raucous oldsters living a sedentary existence but awaiting that one big last ride. Director Michael Dinner, who spent the 1990s doing fine work in television (THE WONDER YEARS, CHICAGO HOPE), has assembled a fine cast of character actors--Richard Dreyfuss, Burt Reynolds, Dan Hedaya and Seymour Cassel--and while the final product isn't all it probably should have been considering the talent involved, THE CREW is an agreeable lark that works just fine for the hour-and-a-half it takes to unspool.

Screenwriter Barry Fanaro hasn't strayed too far from the Miami Beach retirement hotel milieu that won him an Emmy for writing THE GOLDEN GIRLS. In fact, Betty White and Estelle Getty could very well be living just down the street from THE CREW's main characters, former New Jersey goodfellas who have retired to Florida's easy lifestyle: Bobby (Dreyfuss), the group's fast-talking leader; intemperate Bats (Reynolds), whose nickname descends from his weapon of choice; dimwitted but sweet-tempered Brick (Hedaya), who keeps in touch with all his old pals via Christmas cards; and ladies man Mouth (Cassel), who prefers to let his libido do his talking.

Fanaro's script begins pretty slowly--although Dreyfuss's spirited narration helps--until the plot finally begins to kick in after the first reel. When their landlord threatens to raise their rent--thanks to an influx of wealthy young tenants moving in--our heroes concoct a cockamamie plan to scare them off by kidnapping a stiff from the morgue where Brick works and faking a brutal shotgun murder in their lobby. Unfortunately, the corpse was formerly the Alzheimer's-stricken father of South American druglord Raul Ventana (Miguel Sandoval), who believes a rival gang is targeting him. Sandoval, on oily display as a sinister suspect in A&E's reruns of the brilliant '90s series MURDER ONE, has a fine time spoofing the typically Hollywood south-of-the-border drug dealer. To make matters worse, Mouth has innocently blabbed the plan to heavy-breasted hooker Ferris (Jennifer Tilly), who blackmails the boys into whacking her rich Jewish stepmom Pepper (Lainie Kazan). Throw in some inept Latin henchmen, a rat with a fiery tail, and a subplot involving Bobby's long-lost daughter Olivia (Carrie-Anne Moss of THE MATRIX), who's assigned to investigate the murder along with her philandering partner Steve (Jeremy Piven), and you've got a plot that doesn't really hold much water, but then again, isn't really supposed to.

THE CREW's biggest delight is its cast. Dreyfuss, one of Hollywood's most intelligent actors, bestows Bobby with a wry bite that accounts for much of the movie's humor. Between this and his splendid turn as the U.S. President in CBS's live FAIL SAFE broadcast earlier this year, Dreyfuss proves he's still among Hollywoods most pliant stars. Reynolds continues to skillfully switch from movie star to character actor, while Hedaya and Cassel are often hilarious in less showy roles. The subplot involving Moss and Piven really doesn't amount to much--and maybe should have been pared even more in a B-story seemingly leftover from Fanaro's sitcom days--but the actors do the best they can in their very thinly written roles.

Produced by Barry Sonnenfeld, who directed GET SHORTY and may have been able to give this movie that extra push towards excellence (then again, considering WILD WILD WEST, maybe not), THE CREW works best as a showcase for its four talented stars and the textured Florida cinematography by Juan Ruiz-Anchia. Keep a sharp eye peeled for the great Italian character actor Frank Vincent, who has played dozens of paisans going back to RAGING BULL and appears here as a gun dealer, and stick around for the closing credits to hear a spirited song called "Old Man Time", which is performed by none other than Joe Pesci! Also with Fyvish Finkel, Casey Siemaszko and Billy Jayne. Music by Steve Bartek.

CRIME CLUB (1973)—Directed by David Lowell Rich.  Stars Lloyd Bridges, Barbara Rush, Paul Burke, Victor Buono, Richard Hatch.  Charles Larson (THE F.B.I.) wrote and produced this unsold pilot about an exclusive Los Angeles club of judges, detectives, attorneys, policemen and other law enforcement figures who were available to brainstorm various mysteries.  Bridges stars in the opener as private eye Paul Cord, who returns to his former home of Santa Luisa, California to investigate the apparent suicide of a young friend, Hugh London (Hatch), son of his former flame Denise (Rush) and her husband Robert (Burke), who despises Cord.  Paul’s dogged examination of the clues lead to several red herrings, many of them Hugh’s friends and family, and to attempts on his life.  Rich crafts a fine mystery that emphasizes plot over action using a very good cast of actors, which also includes Martin Sheen, Cloris Leachman, David Hedison, Belinda J. Montgomery, Frank Marth, William Devane, Alan Napier and Mills Watson.  Like THE NAME OF THE GAME, SEARCH and other popular shows of the era, CRIME CLUB would have featured alternating leads Bridges, Buono (as a crafty judge) and another uncast actor.

THE CRIME KILLER (1985)--Directed by George Pan-Andreas, Leo G. Morrell.  Stars George Pan-Andreas.  I have no idea who Greek filmmaker Pan-Andreas is, but he certainly assembled a wonderfully inept and frequently hilarious vanity production.  He plays Zeus, a cop who is tossed off the force for killing two corrupt cops in self-defense.  After the U.S. President’s wife and child are murdered, the CIA forces Zeus to return to crime fighting, not that Zeus needs much urging.  After all, he is the Crime Killer.  For some reason, he recruits two old ‘Nam buddies to train for thirty days under an asshole drill instructor, even though they don’t use any of their new training on their mission.  Really, I wouldn’t spend much time trying to figure it all out.  It’s entertaining enough just listening to Pan-Andreas earnestly reciting his wonky dialogue (did I mention that he also wrote the screenplay?) and engaging in head-scratchingly obtuse conversations with the overboiled Morrell as Zeus’ police boss.  The first reel is a little tough to sit through, because the direction is so inept and the photography so dark that it's hard to tell what's going on.  After the titles finally roll (illustrated by Greek imagery that has nothing to do with the movie, like a statue that fires beams from its eyes!), it's one mockable moment after another, including gratuitous 'Nam flashbacks, slow-mo kung fu (that shows the actors' kicks missing one another by a mile), inappropriate humor, crazy plot points and ridiculous dialogue.  I'm sure the story of how George Pan-Andreas talked someone into giving him money to write, direct and star in this movie (which was released on video by New World) is fascinating.

CRIME STORY (1986)--Directed by Abel Ferrara. Stars Dennis Farina, Anthony Denison, Bill Smitrovich, Darlanne Fluegel, David Caruso. Michael Mann (THE INSIDER) was the executive producer of this feature-length pilot which aired on NBC. Set in Chicago during the early '60s, CRIME STORY--both the pilot and the series--followed two charismatic characters: slick mobster Ray Luca (Denison), who's trying to make inroads among the connected bigwigs of the Windy City, and Lt. Mike Torello (Farina) of the Chicago Police Department's Major Crimes Unit. Torello and Luca become archenemies after Ray guns down a pair of Mike's friends--one a cop, the other the son (Caruso) of a close friend. Fluegel (TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.) plays Torello's wife, while Smitrovich (Corky's dad from LIFE GOES ON) is solid as his partner.

Like Mann's previous series, MIAMI VICE, CRIME STORY showcases a lot of style--slick production values; gritty camerawork; lots of period music, clothes and cars--but it isn't style over substance. It's very sharply written and acted, especially by Farina, a relative neophyte to film who was a real-life Chicago cop for nearly twenty years. His tough but sensitive portrayal clashes well with Denison's oily performance as he plots a clever course up the Mob ladder. Credit casting director Bonnie Timmerman with much of the show's success. The supporting cast includes Billy Campbell, Stephen Lang, Eric Bogosian, William Russ, Ted Levine, Michael Rooker, Joseph Wiseman and Jon Polito, many of whom were unknowns at the time. Todd Rundgren composed and conducted the score. Del Shannon re-recorded his #1 hit "Runaway" for use as the theme.

Despite much critical acclaim, NBC cancelled the series after two seasons. The show really got way out there. After the first 13 episodes, the setting switched to Las Vegas, and the season ender found Luca being zapped on a nuclear bomb testing range! Somehow he survived to see Season Two, and moved to Central America with Torello still on his tail.

CRIME ZONE (1988)--Directed by Luis Llosa.  Stars David Carradine, Peter Nelson, Sherilyn Fenn.  Roger Corman produced this cheap SF actioner in Peru.  In the oppressive future, martial law has made major crimes almost extinct.  It goes without saying that the government's totalitarian reign has also mostly wiped out freedom and joy.  So much so that ex-cop Bone (Nelson) and hooker Helen (Fenn, just after popping her top for Charlie Sheen in THE WRAITH) want to escape to a legendary city where rule is more democratic.  Shady Jason (Carradine) offers them that chance, but only if they perform a series of robberies for him first.  Jason turns out to have a hidden motive for his recruitment of the two lovers, but it's doubtful you'll wait around long enough to discover what it is.  Murkily lensed by Cusi Barrio, CRIME ZONE is hard to see and hard to sit through, jammed with limited actors emoting on cheap sets.  Carradine seems to have put some thought into his role, but there's little else to recommend in Llosa's film.  The director did become one of Corman's few Concorde/New Horizons discoveries to move up to major studio films, helming SNIPER, THE SPECIALIST and ANACONDA before returning to Peruvian television.  Music by Rick Conrad.  Carradine and wife Gail Jensen were associate producers.

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS (1989)—Directed by Woody Allen.  Stars Martin Landau, Anjelica Huston, Alan Alda, Woody Allen, Mia Farrow.  One of Woody’s best films is this light mystery that focuses on two separate subplots that seemingly couldn’t be more disparate in subject and tone.  Landau plays a prominent physician who decides to murder his neurotic mistress (Huston) when she threatens to reveal their affair to the community.  Meanwhile, broke documentary filmmaker Allen, unable to finance the “important” work he wants to do, is forced to shoot a puff piece about his smarmy brother-in-law (Alda), a jerk who produces lousy TV sitcoms.  Landau was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award, even though he clearly has the lead role.  He didn’t win, even though he’s even better here than in ED WOOD, the film for which he finally won the Oscar.  All of the performers do great work, but Landau is the standout.  Allen received Oscar nominations for his direction and screenplay, which is tight, thoughtful and often hilarious.  Sam Waterston, Jerry Orbach, Claire Bloom and Joanna Gleason are in it.

CRIMES OF PASSION (1984)--Directed by Ken Russell. Stars Kathleen Turner, John Laughlin, Anthony Perkins, Annie Potts, Bruce Davison. Ridiculous thriller with Turner as a respectable fashion designer by day, exotic hooker "China Blue" by night. Perkins proves once again there's no role he won't take by portraying a psychotic, perverted, twitchy, masturbating priest named Peter. Turner looks great with no clothes on, but there's no other reason to watch this dumb film. Music by Rick Wakeman of Yes. From the director of TOMMY.

CRIMEWAVE (1985)--Directed by Sam Raimi. Stars Brion James, Paul L. Smith, Reed Birney, Sheree J. Wilson. This very strange comedy was co-written by Raimi and the Coen brothers, Ethan and Joel, who earned an Oscar nomination for their FARGO screenplay. Raimi returned the favor by directing second-unit on THE HUDSUCKER PROXY. All involved with CRIMEWAVE were reportedly not very happy with the results, but it does have its moments. James and Smith are psycho exterminators who also work as hitmen. Birney is a schmuck framed for a murder, and relates the narrative in flashback while on death row. Bruce Campbell appears briefly as The Heel ("Why don't we go back to my place for a little Scotch and sofa?"), but should have played Birney's role (allegedly the film's backers didn't think Campbell was charismatic enough for the lead; why did they believe Birney was?) Also with Louise Lasser, Emil Sitka and Ted Raimi. The crazy slapstick humor and violence foreshadow Raimi's next feature, which was EVIL DEAD 2. By the way, James was not dubbed; that weird cartoon-like voice he uses was his own. Produced by Robert Tapert. Music by Joseph LoDuca.

CRIMINAL LAW (1989)--Directed by Martin Campbell. Stars Gary Oldman, Kevin Bacon, Tess Harper, Joe Don Baker. Thriller about a Boston lawyer who wins his client an acquittal on murder charges, then later realizes the client was guilty and is killing more people. Is interesting primarily because of the backwards casting: Bacon plays the psycho murderer, while Oldman plays against type as the straight-laced American attorney. Good tense direction by Campbell (NO ESCAPE). Music by Jerry Goldsmith.

THE CRIMSON CODE (1999)--Directed by Jeremy Haft.  Stars Patrick Muldoon, Cathy Moriarty, Tim Thomerson, C. Thomas Howell.  MELROSE PLACE pretty boy Muldoon and RAGING BULL starlet Moriarty, eight years his senior (but looking older), are an unlikely romantic duo in this watchable serial killer flick.  Both play FBI agents and partners assigned to a task force that track serial killers.  They also strive to be selected for their boss Heywood's (Thomerson) "Red Team", the squad that actually apprehends the killers.  While investigating a murderer named The Silencer, so dubbed because of his habit of cutting the tongues from his victims, Muldoon discovers that two serial killers have died in mysterious accidents and six others vanished over the last eighteen months, leading him to believe that someone is murdering them--a "serial killer killer", so to speak.  CRIMSON offers few surprises and more than a few annoying plotholes, but Haft manages a bit of suspense here and there, and the veteran supporting cast makes up for Muldoon's emptiness and an atrocious performance by Howell as the Silencer, who must have prepared by shaving his head, glowering into a mirror and listening to tapes of Mark Hamill voicing the Joker in TV cartoons.  Also with Fred Ward, David Beecroft, Dave Brown and Victor Cowie.  Originally titled RED TEAM, THE CRIMSON CODE is a senseless title and not even as interesting as RED TEAM, I don't think.  Filmed in Winnipeg.

THE CRIMSON CULT (1968)--Directed by Vernon Sewell. Stars Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, Barbara Steele, Michael Gough, Mark Eden. Former TWILIGHT ZONE and STAR TREK scribe (as well as noted science-fiction author) Jerry Sohl adapted this unsuccessful waste of four horror movie icons from a story by H.P. Lovecraft. A young man (Eden) travels to the English mansion of J.D. Morley (Lee) to investigate his brother's disappearance. There he has hallucinations of an exotic green-skinned woman (Steele) wearing a goat headdress surrounded by leather-clad sadomasochists in a torture chamber. Karloff plays a good-guy professor of the occult who tries to help Eden, while Gough is pretty embarrassing as Lee's idiot servant. It's great to see Lee and Karloff sharing scenes together--and they certainly do their best--and Sewell tries to keep things interesting by tossing in all sorts of psychedelic effects, but the story just isn't interesting. This was Karloff's last major production; he later shot some scenes for director Jack Hill in a Hollywood studio that were used in four low-budget Mexican horror movies. Karloff died February 2, 1969 at age 81. Also with Virginia Wetherell, Rosemarie Reade and special guest Rupert Davies. Music by Peter Knight. Produced by Tigon Films, which attempted to mine the same genre ground already covered by Hammer and Amicus. Originally released in England as CURSE OF THE CRIMSON ALTAR, it has also been seen as CURSE OF THE CRIMSON CULT and THE CRIMSON ALTAR.

THE CRIMSON GHOST (1946)--Directed by Fred C. Brannon and William Witney.  Stars Charles Quigley, Linda Stirling, Clayton Moore.  One of Republic's last great serials is this 12-chapter masterpiece, which pits two-fisted scientist Duncan Richards (Quigley) against an evil mastermind called the Crimson Ghost, who conceals his true identity behind a marvelously effective skull mask.  The Crimson Ghost's target is a device called the Cyclotrode, which, despite its cheapjack design, is able to short-circuit all electrical equipment, including automobiles and airplanes.  Imagine what a weapon it could be if fallen into the wrong hands.  GHOST features a lot of terrific, energetic fights; in Chapter One, Quigley (or likely his stunt double) actually runs up the side of a wall and flips over Jackie Chan-style to get the drop on his opponent.  Future Lone Ranger Moore glowers well as the Crimson Ghost's chief henchman, and the appearance of the beautiful Stirling, who had previously headlined her own serials, THE TIGER WOMAN and ZORRO'S BLACK WHIP, is always a plus.  THE CRIMSON GHOST was re-released theatrically in 1966 in a cut-down version called CYCLOTRODE X, and it's also available on videocassette in a colorized version under its original title.  Dependable stock players Kenne Duncan, Stanley Price, I. Stanford Jolley, Tom Steele, Dale Van Sickel and Bob Wilke also appear.

CRIMSON RIVERS (2001)--Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz.  Stars Jean Reno, Vincent Cassel, Nadia Fares.  This taut French crime drama has often been compared to SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and SEVEN, I suppose because on the surface it's about two detectives--one young, the other older--pursuing a serial killer who mutilates his victims and displays them in a gruesome manner.  That CRIMSON RIVERS really isn't any more similar to those American hits than that does not mean that it isn't worth watching.  It definitely is.  Columbia/Tri-Star chose to release it directly to video in the U.S., which is a shame, because I think it could have attracted a healthy box office similar to that of, for instance, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (rumors of an American remake are imminent).

In CRIMSON RIVERS, or LES RIVIERES POURPRES as it's known in its home country, homicide detective Niemans (Reno of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and THE PROFESSIONAL) is called to investigate the brutal mutilation and murder of a librarian who was found hanging from a snowy mountain hundreds of feet over the university where he worked.  His hands had been hacked off, his eyes gouged out, and his body suffered five hours of pre-mortem torture.  Simultaneously a couple hundred miles away, a younger, hipper detective, Max Kerkerkian (Cassel, BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF), looks into two seemingly unrelated, unimportant cases:  the desecration of a young girl's grave and a breaking-and-entering at an elementary school.  Eventually, clues lead the two policemen to a common path--a surprisingly complicated and sordid one involving incest, baby switching, Nazis and an intense young glaciologist named Fanny (Fares).

One of CRIMSON RIVERS' great joys is untangling its complex plot, which unravels at just the right pace, never allowing us to get too far in front of the story's protagonists, but not leaving us scratching our heads either.  Each step Niemans and Kerkerkian take plugs another piece into the jigsaw puzzle, and, although Kassovitz purposely lets us on to the killer's identity earlier than you'd expect, it's to his credit that the revelation doesn't cause the story to flag.  Kassovitz also knows how to aim his camera at precisely the right spot to generate the most suspense, and as far as his action scenes go...let's just say that CRIMSON RIVERS features one of the wittiest foot chases I've seen in quite some time.  Reno's world-weary wisdom and Cassel's cocky energy work well together, and their performances are aided by the fact that both dubbed their own voices for the English-language release.  Although it seems like hardly a month goes by that Hollywood isn't tossing another forgettable serial killer movie out to theaters, CRIMSON RIVERS is one that'll bring back your faith in this overcrowded and more frequently underwhelming genre.

The DVD features CRIMSON RIVERS in both French and English.  Since the stars dubbed their own voices, I chose to watch in English with English subtitles (for the instances in which the French accents were a bit difficult for me to decipher), and that felt like the right way to go, since the English subtitles removed a lot of the naturalism from the dialogue, nuances that would have been missed if I had used them with the original French soundtrack.  Thierry Arbogast's cinematography and Bruno Coulais' score are top-notch.  Also with Dominque Sanda (THE MACKINTOSH MAN), Jean-Pierre Cassel, and Kerim Belkhadra.

CRIMSON RIVERS II: ANGELS OF THE APOCALYPSE (2004)--Directed by Olivier Dahan.  Stars Jean Reno, Benoit Magimel, Christopher Lee, Camille Natta.  Good sequel that isn’t as good as the original, but still worthwhile.  Jean Reno returns as Parisian detective Niemans, who investigates the strange murder of a man found entombed Poe-style behind the concrete wall of a monastery. Later, a customs agent is murdered by a robed figure who uses a nailgun to crucify his victim.  Meanwhile, a younger detective (Benoit Magimel) runs over (literally--with his car!) a raving man who bears resemblance to Jesus Christ and rants about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  The two detectives join forces when they learn their cases are connected, and a third detective (Camille Natta), a religion expert, discovers that the victims all bear the same names and occupations as the real Jesus' twelve apostles.

Christopher Lee is the main villain, an ex-Nazi, but the subordinate villains are a lot of fun.  They're sorta like ninja priests.  Faceless assassins dressed in brown priest robes, these guys confound the cops with amazing physical agility and strength.  The movie's best setpiece has Magimel chasing one of these guys on foot halfway across Paris, bouncing off of buildings, leaping through glass windows, jumping on and off of trains, and climbing into an abandoned steel mill.  It's an amazing foot chase, even better than the witty one in the original CRIMSON RIVERS.

In fact, director Olivier Dahan makes wonderful use of interesting locations in addition to the mill, including the famous Maginot Line, which includes hundreds of miles of underground tunnels and waterways built to fortify the French border against the Germans in World War II.  Dahan stages some intriguing, creative killings and boosts the bad guys' credibility by having them thwart Reno and Magimel's opposition at every turn.  Luc Besson's script suffers somewhat from its implausible premise, although I was mostly able to swallow it fine.  The story is ridiculous, but Dahan's stylish direction keeps it from flagging.  The leads have no chemistry together, and their characters are thinly developed to the point where it didn't really matter who the detectives were on the case.  It could just as easily have been Starsky and Hutch on the job.  I still recommend CRIMSON RIVERS II on the basis of its taut action scenes, slick visuals, catchy score and Christopher Lee.

CRIMSON TIDE (1995)--Directed by Tony Scott. Stars Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman, George Dzundza, Viggo Mortensen. This slick thriller was an early box-office hit in the summer of '95. Russian rebels are threatening a nuclear attack against the U.S., so a nuclear submarine (the U.S.S. Alabama) is launched into the Pacific in case a preemptive strike is needed. When orders to attack come from Washington, Captain Hackman wants to nuke the rebels immediately, while executive officer Washington would rather wait for confirmation. After all, a launch of nuclear missiles would mean the beginning of World War III. Soon the sub has been split into two separate cadres, each threatening mutiny against the other. Film is hampered by an awkward opening featuring some dull exposition and a schmaltzy, sell-out ending, but director Scott does a terrific job of making the submarine scenes properly realistic and claustrophobic, and leads Hackman and Washington bring enough skill to their characters to make neither of them totally right or wrong. The only villain here is war itself. Michael Schiffer's screenplay contains enough technobabble to make Tom Clancy's fans happy, but it doesn't get in the way of the suspense. Quentin Tarantino did an uncredited rewrite, adding dollops of humor and pop-culture references. Also with Matt Craven and Rick(y) Schroeder. Music by Hans Zimmer.

CRIPPLED AVENGERS (1978)--Directed by Cheh Chang.  Also known as RETURN OF THE 5 DEADLY VENOMS, this Shaw Brothers production takes a potentially tasteless concept and turns it into a really nifty kung fu movie.  An old man and his adult son, whose hands have been replaced with metal ones that fire deadly darts, run their village using fear and use their formidable kung fu to cripple their victims.  They poke the eyes out of one, deafen another, cut the legs off of a third, and squeeze one’s head in a vice so tight that he becomes an “idiot”.  The four spend three years in service of a martial arts master who teaches them how to use their disabilities to great advantage in battle, and then they return home for a revenge-soaked showdown with their tormentors.  Cheh has fashioned no cheap kung fu quickie.  There’s lots of style and widescreen grace in his picture, which has scenes that may remind you of current Hong Kong dramas like HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS and HERO.  Unlike the graceless followup, CRIPPLED MASTERS, which used actors with genuine handicaps, the stars of CRIPPLED AVENGERS fake their infirmities well and do an excellent job of fashioning their martial arts to fit their characters.

THE CRIPPLED MASTERS (1982)--Directed by Joe Law Chi.  The print I saw carried no credits.  I won't say much about it, since it's so crazy, it's best if you discover it for yourself as the film goes along.  Suffice to say that a guy who has his arms chopped off and another guy who has his legs dissolved with acid train themselves to learn kung fu so they can kick the asses of the people responsible.  The dubbing and storyline are as ridiculous as you would expect from a Hong Kong production of this vintage, but there's lots of fighting.  And not just normal kung fu either, but lots of fighting involving guys with no arms or legs.  The actors really were missing their limbs, which makes their feats more amazing.  I suppose some would consider the concept to be tasteless, but it definitely shows, in a warped way, the physically handicapped overcoming their flaws to triumph over evil.

CRITICAL MASS (2000)--Directed by Fred Olen Ray.  Stars Treat Williams, Udo Kier, Lori Loughlin, Andrew Prine.  When the second shot of a Phoenician Entertainment movie is a sign reading "Cyberdyne Industries", I know damn well what the first ten minutes are going to be like:  a lot of exploding police cars, an exploding office building and a freeway chase between a van and a helicopter.  How did I know this?  Because that's what happened in the film that Ray stole his stock footage from:  TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY.  The climax is swiped from UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, a process that finds two buses chasing each other atop a desert plateau in the long shots, but the actors are seen in their close-ups standing in a grassy field.

I guess it's a testament to Ray's professionalism that CRITICAL MASS is as watchable as it is, despite the sloppy production and dumb scripting by someone whom I suspect of being Phoenician regular Steve Latshaw using a pseudonym (the coffee-swilling government worker gives him away).  A terrorist group led by Sampson (Kier) steals an atomic bomb from "Cyberdyne" and hijacks a closed-down nuclear power plant on its last day of operation.  Only a handful of security officers are on staff, including Mike Jeffers (Williams), an amiable fella and bad gambler who lost his previous job as a local sheriff following a scandal in which several federal agents were killed.  Also on the premises are Senator Cook (Prine) and his press secretary Janine (Loughlin).  Kier's men murder everyone except Jeffers, Cook and Janine, who manage to hide deep in the bowels of the plant.  Yes, it's DIE HARD in a power plant, as Jeffers bounces around, knocking off Udo's guys before the Eurobaddie can detonate his bomb.

Much of CRITICAL MASS' amusement value comes in watching Ray's dumb fantasy world operate.  A Defense Department worker wearing a miniskirt.  People who forget to lower their voices while hiding from other people standing just feet away.  Federal law enforcers who decide not to become involved in a terrorist attack on U.S. soil, preferring to let the local hick sheriff take care of it.  As usual, Williams is a real sport, while Loughlin provides solid (and solidly attractive) support.  I don't know Phoenician would be able to stay in business if not for the cooperation of the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, who constantly provide the company with locations.  CRITICAL MASS is fun for what it is, but what it is ain't a whole lot.  Nice to see Prine, Charles Cyphers (HALLOWEEN), Blake Clark and Richard Gabai working, though.  Also with Shanna Moakler, Doug McKeon, Richard Anthony Crenna and Richard McGonagle.  Music by Neal Acree.

CROCODILE DUNDEE (1986)--Directed by Peter Faiman. Stars Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, Mark Blum. Amiable comedy from Australia was a surprise box-office smash, thanks to the considerable charms of former TV star Hogan. He plays Down Under adventurer Dundee, who saves gorgeous American reporter