BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE (1959)--Directed by Monte Hellman.  Stars Michael Forest, Sheila Carol, Frank Wolff, Richard Sinatra, Wally Campo.  Acclaimed filmmaker Monte Hellman's directorial debut fits snugly into his quirky, underappreciated oeuvre, which includes cult classics like TWO-LANE BLACKTOP and COCKFIGHTER.  Filmed in and around Deadwood, South Dakota for Roger Corman's Filmgroup company, BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE is, despite its ten-cent title, an intelligent, almost existential drama about guilt and regret--in Hellman's words, "KEY LARGO with a monster".  Three bank robbers--wealthy leader Alex (Frank Wolff), introspective Marty (Richard Sinatra, Frank's cousin) and comic relief Byron (Wally Campo)--and their moll Gypsy (Sheila Carol) rob a bank and wait out a blizzard in the remote mountain cabin of ski instructor Gil (Michael Forest).  BEAST was clearly shot on a low budget, but the parts that matter most are quite cost-effective--the delicious dialogue penned by Charles B. Griffith, the frequent Corman collaborator who also wrote LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and DEATH RACE 2000, and the mostly excellent performances, particularly by Carol, who gave up acting after this, and Sinatra. The unconvincing yet strangely innovative monster suit was designed and worn by future soap star Chris "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" Robinson, and manages to actually look creepy from several Hellman angles.  Synapse's DVD doesn't improve the poor sound and murky cinematography, but it does present BEAST in its original aspect ratio, and even includes additional footage Hellman shot three years later to pad the running time for TV airings.  The only extras are a trailer and informative liner notes by SF film historian Bill Warren.

THE BEAST MUST DIE (1974)—Directed by Paul Annett.  Stars Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing, Marlene Clark, Charles Gray, Anton Diffring.  Also known as BLACK WEREWOLF in order to capitalize on the blaxploitation movement, this British production was the recipient of an old-fashioned yet still amusing gimmick upon release.  Heading into the climax, the film stops cold for a 60-second “werewolf break,” in which a narrator flashes stills of individual cast members and asks you to guess which one is the “beast” that “must die.”  It’s hokey and silly, but it kinda fits the film, which stars handsome and too-young Lockhart as a big game hunter who invites a group of disparate strangers to his huge English estate for a weekend gathering.  Unbeknownst to them or even Lockhart’s wife (Clark), he has set up a series of cameras and microphones all over the house and grounds in order to track his guests.  He proclaims that one of them is, in fact, a werewolf that he plans to track and kill.

In Agatha Christie fashion, most of the film consists of the characters sitting around explaining why they couldn’t possibly be a werewolf—scenes occasionally enlivened by a chase or an exploding helicopter.  Annett’s debut feature (he went back to British television after this) isn’t very good, but offers an interesting twist at the end, as well as the fun of watching distinguished character actors like Cushing (as a werewolf expert), Diffring and Gray.  Based on a James Blish story, THE BEAST MUST DIE also features Michael Gambon, Ciaran Madden and Tom Chanbon.  Douglas Gamley composed the TV-cop-show score.

BEAST OF BLOOD (1970)--Directed by Eddie Romero.  Stars John Ashley, Celeste Yarnall, Eddie Garcia.  Picking up immediately after the events of MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND with a colorful action sequence at sea, BEAST returns Ashley's heroic Dr. Bill Foster to Blood Island, where he discovers mad doctor Lorca (Garcia, replacing Ronald Remy) has survived the fiery demise hinted at in MAD DOCTOR's climax.  Accompanied by lovely journalist Myra (Yarnall), Foster leaps back into the fray, battling assorted monsters and jungle hazards engineered by the inferno-scarred Lorca.  Also with Beverly Miller, who also penned the story.  Music by Tito Arevelo.

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN (1956)--Directed by Edward Nassour and Ismael Rodriguez. Stars Guy Madison, Patricia Medina. Stop-motion animation genius Willis O'Brien, who created the ground-breaking effects in the original KING KONG, uses a process called "Regiscope" to animate a killer Tyrannosaurus Rex in this Western/monster movie. Madison is a cowboy whose cattle are disappearing. We eventually find out why, but it takes too long to get there. The dinosaur effects are not too bad, considering the low budget, but chances are you won't be awake to see them. Filmed in Mexico.

BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT (1971)--Directed by Eddie Romero.  Stars John Ashley, Mary Wilcox, Vic Diaz.  If for no other reason, this Philippines-lensed horror flick is historical as the first film released by Roger Corman's New World Pictures, the independent studio that released more classic exploitation movies (as well as critically acclaimed foreign films like Ingmar Bergman's THE SERPENT'S EGG) during the 1970s than any other.  It was also the first movie produced by actor John Ashley, who first rose to a certain level of fame in the mid-'50s as a teen idol and juvenile lead in drive-in films such as FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER and graduated to '60s fare like BEACH BLANKET BINGO.  In the late '60s, he moved to Manila and teamed up with writer/director Romero to play the lead in a series of lurid low-budget horror movies, like THE MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND and BRIDES OF BLOOD.  These were released in the United States by Kane Lynn's Hemisphere Pictures, but by 1971, Ashley, who had been involved in raising financing for the "Blood Island" trilogy, became a full-fledged producer and took his first effort, BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT, to Corman for distribution.

In it, Ashley plays Joseph Langdon, a U.S. Army deserter during World War II who is wounded and found near death in the jungle by a fat little man who, more or less, claims to be the Devil (Diaz).  In exchange for Langdon's soul, he offers the soldier food (which turns out to be the mutilated corpse of Langdon's girlfriend!).  As Satan's disciple, Langdon is reincarnated HEAVEN CAN WAIT-style in the bodies of different men.  And, oh yeah, at night, he turns into a snarling, hairy beast with a head that looks like melted blue crayons.  By the time, Joseph wakes up in the body of a successful American businessman in Manila, he's ready to die, even throwing himself in front of a train to no avail.  He's also beginning to fall in love with Julia (Wilcox), his latest "wife", and is afraid she may be the beast's next victim unless he can stop himself from his nocturnal transformations.

It's no classic of the horror genre, but BEAST is more ambitious than the previous "Blood Island" films, stealing from such sources as BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN and Marvel's THE INCREDIBLE HULK.  Ashley was not an actor of great range, but he was a handsome, likable leading man with an excellent deep speaking voice, and he does a good job here expressing the disparate emotions called for in Romero's script.  Another nod is to I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF, in that Ashley's transformations (it's unclear as to whether Ashley actually wore the hairy makeup) can be seen as a symbol of sexual arousal.  He and Diaz show an interesting chemistry in their subtly scripted scenes together.  Also with Leopaldo Salcedo and Ken Metcalfe.  Wilcox later joined the SCTV cast.  After several more made-in-Manila potboilers (TWILIGHT PEOPLE, SAVAGE SISTERS), Ashley moved back to Hollywood and became a fulltime producer, helming TV series like THE A-TEAM and WALKER, TEXAS RANGER.  He died of a heart attack in 1997 after supervising a night's shooting of his final film, SCARRED CITY.

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)--Directed by Coleman Francis. Stars Tor Johnson, Douglas Mellor, Barbara Francis. One of the worst films ever; it certainly gives anything Ed Wood ever made a run for its money! Tor plays a scientist (right...) who becomes a scarred, brutish madman after being exposed to radiation. There's almost no dialogue; the film was made entirely without sound, and almost wall-to-wall narration was added later. I can't imagine how a film like this ever got released.

THE BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES (1955)--Directed by David Kramarsky.  Stars Paul Birch, Lorna Thayer, Dona Cole.  One of the worst films Roger Corman was ever involved with.  His name isn't on it, but he served as its executive producer, and it's claimed that he also directed some scenes.  I don't believe it, since Corman at his worst still showed more professional polish and skill than any scene in this dull science fiction movie demonstrates.  As was the usual case with American Releasing Corporation heads James H. Nicholson and Samuel Z. Arkoff (ARC released just a few films before changing its name to the much better known American International Pictures), they thought of the title and poster concept before making the film.  As a result, there is no "beast with a million eyes"; instead, they justified the title by creating an alien that invades the bodies of animals.  Therefore, if it possesses 500,000 animals, you got your beast!  This one lands in the desert near the secluded farm of the Kelley family: father Allan (Birch), wife Carol (Thayer) and teen daughter Sandra (Cole).  Due to their extreme isolation, the Kelleys aren't getting along very well, but if it's true that people grow closer in a crisis, they've got a big one on their hands when they suffer a stream of attacks from the family dog, a cow and other wildlife.  It's all because a laughable finger puppet in an unconvincing model spaceship wants to invade Earth or something.  It's a very boring and poorly performed movie that's only of interest as Dick Sargent's film debut, almost fifteen years before replacing Dick York on BEWITCHED.  Monster maker Paul Blaisdell created the puppet monster, and FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND editor Forrest Ackerman helped with the spaceship effects.

THE BEAST WITHIN (1982)--Directed by Philippe Mora.  Stars Ronny Cox, Bibi Besch, Paul Clemens, R.G. Armstrong, L.Q. Jones.  A couple on their honeymoon runs their car off a rural Mississippi road at night.  While the husband, Eli (Cox), goes for help, his wife Caroline (Besch) is attacked and raped by a slimy swamp monster.  Seventeen years later, a son conceived that night, Michael (Clemens), is suffering from a life-threatening illness.  Doctors say there's nothing more they can do for him unless Michael's genetic history can reveal something that might help.  So Eli and Caroline, with Michael not far behind, return to the tiny town of Nioba seeking information on Caroline's rapist, whom she never saw and the authorities never identified or caught.  Like most small towns in movies, Nioba is filled with deceit, cover-ups, sanctimony and suspicion, and becomes more so when citizens who may have been indirectly involved with Caroline's attack start being murdered in very graphic manners.  Ah, heck, why save the surprise--the advertising doesn't.  Michael is a real chip off the old block, transforming into a hideous cicada-man to do the killings.

Look, I know how silly this movie is, but that doesn't mean there isn't a lot here to like.  The screenplay by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT) makes not a lick of sense, and the dialogue..?  Hoo boy.  My favorite comes right after Michael's startling transformation from man to beast and his subsequent murder of a redneck father, the local doctor (Armstrong) saying, "Something horrible's going on in there"--the understatement of the year!  For what it's worth, the solid cast does a great job making you believe this schlock, especially Cox and Besch as the harried parents (who surprisingly don't hesitate to go gunning for their monster son along with everyone else in town), Armstrong, Jones as the sheriff, Don Gordon (BULLITT) as the secretive mayor and Luke Askew as a twitchy mortician.  Les Baxter pulls out every stop he knows in his madcap musical score, a cacophony of orchestral stings that sounds at least 15 years out of date, but is somehow perfect for this '50's-style monsterfest.  Tom Burman's special makeup effects are dated now, but probably were startling at the time, even though they're inferior to the man-into-wolf scenes in the previous year's THE HOWLING and AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.  Also with Kitty Moffat, John Dennis Johnston, Logan Ramsey, Ron Soble and future sitcom sidekick Meshach Taylor.  Shot on location in Mississippi.  From the director of HOWLING 2 and 3.

THE BEASTMASTER (1982)--Directed by Don Coscarelli. Stars Marc Singer, Tanya Roberts, Rip Torn, John Amos, Josh Milrad. PHANTASM director Coscarelli, working with a decent-sized budget for the first time, created this fun sword-and-sorcery adventure that hit theaters just a few months after CONAN THE BARBARIAN. 34-year-old Canadian actor Singer stars as youthful warrior Dar, who's the only survivor after his family and village are destroyed by a horde of brutal warriors known as Juns, which are led by evil magician Maax (Torn in a ridiculous putty nose and braided wig). Perhaps because of some magical residue absorbed by his system during his birth--Dar was kidnapped from his mother's womb by Maax's three witch cohorts and given birth to by a cow--he has the ability to communicate with animals, and, teaming up with an eagle, a panther and cute ferrets Kodo and Podo, sets off across the ancient land in search of vengeance. His journey brings him into contact with a boy named Tal (Milrad)--the son of King Zed, who's being held prisoner by Maax--and his bodyguard Seth (Amos), as well as sexy slave girl Kiri (Roberts), whom Dar first spies bathing topless in a lake. All have their own reasons for toppling Maax's reign, and the party travels to the Juns' village, which is surrounded by an oil moat and protected by a high stone wall.

Clearly, the plot by Coscarelli and producer Paul Pepperman is one we've seen many times before, most notably in several Italian-made sword-'n-sandal movies of the '60s, in which Hercules, Maciste, Samson or some other muscle-bound marauder would battle evil. Where THE BEASTMASTER really works is in its epic look, light humor and lively performances. Although some reports have claimed THE BEASTMASTER's budget was as much as $9 million--at a time when a low-budget genre film such as STAR TREK II cost more than $20 million--Coscarelli says it was closer to $4.7 million. That the film looks as though it costs at least five times that amount is a tribute to Coscarelli's imagination and flair with the camera and cinematographer John Alcott (BARRY LYNDON), an Oscar-winner who had worked with Stanley Kubrick and used mostly natural lighting, resulting in a golden hue to the scenery.

While Singer's a bit long-in-the-tooth to play the naive adventurer he does here, he looks good and handles the sword-fighting scenes well, and clearly has fun mixing a bit of humor into his derring-do. Roberts is clearly not much of an actress, but her topless scene and PLAYBOY pictorial tie-in to the film's release, as well as a series of revealing costumes, have gone a long way towards building a cult audience for THE BEASTMASTER. Torn, who worked only 12 of the movie's 72-day shooting schedule, has a ball hamming it up for the camera, contributing to his character's look and, probably, dialogue. Coscarelli clearly doesn't stint in the action department, choreographing several well-crafted fights, stunts, jumps, fire gags and battle scenes. Lee Holdridge's score is one of his best, helping to give THE BEASTMASTER its lush epic feel.

Perhaps it's because WTBS seems to air the damn thing at least once a month, but I have a real soft spot for this movie, one that has grown after viewing Anchor Bay's DVD. Presented on home video for the first time in its 2.35:1 ratio, THE BEASTMASTER has never looked or sounded as good as it does on the DVD. Recognizing the movie's massive cult appeal, Anchor Bay has lavished several extras on the disc, including a theatrical trailer, stills, posters, behind-the-scenes home movies and a secret Easter Egg featuring a scene deleted from the final release print, which displays more nude footage of Tanya Roberts. Coscarelli and Pepperman also contribute an informative and entertaining audio commentary track, in which they discuss the project's genesis, crew personnel and battles with the moneymen, and express dismay at how much of the film's post-production process was closed to them by executive producer Sylvio Tabet.

Also with Ben Hammer, Rod Loomis, Billy Jacoby, Tony Epper and Janet Jones (AMERICAN ANTHEM). Filmed in Simi Valley, California and Valley of Fire, Utah. Singer returned nine years later in a sequel directed by Tabet in which Dar was transported into modern-day Los Angeles (BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME). Despite a box-office gross of less than $1 million, a second sequel, BEASTMASTER 3: THE EYE OF BRAXUS, went straight to video in 1995. A BEASTMASTER syndicated TV series followed in '99, with Singer making occasional guest appearances. Coscarelli didn't direct another movie for six years (PHANTASM II) after this.

BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME (1992)--Directed by Sylvio Tabet. Stars Marc Singer, Kari Wuhrer, Wings Hauser, Sarah Douglas. The producers made a big mistake when they changed the setting from a mystical world to present-day Los Angeles. I'm sure it saved them some money on sets and special effects though. Villains Hauser and Douglas accidentally stumble through a time portal and begin wreaking havoc in L.A. Dar (Singer) and his ferret friends Kodo and Podo follow, and are aided by cute Valley Girl Wuhrer. Lots of action and fish-out-of-water humor, but the L.A. setting just doesn't work, and Singer is too old for the role. Also with Robert Z'Dar, James Avery and Michael Berryman.

BEASTMASTER III: THE EYES OF BRAXUS (1995)--Directed by Gabrielle Beaumont. Stars Marc Singer, Lesley-Anne Down. This low-budget adventure looks like it was made for television, but was released on video first. Once again Dar and his ferrets roam the desert in search of the title treasure. Pretty boring. Produced by Sylvio Tabet.

THE BEAT GENERATION (1959)—Directed by Charles Haas.  Stars Steve Cochran, Fay Spain, Ray Danton, Mamie Van Doren, Jackie Coogan, Jim Mitchum.  Who hates women more—the rapist (Danton) or the detective (Cochran) pursuing him—in this Albert Zugsmith production released by MGM?  Its conservative values are so overwhelming, it would be perfect viewing for the next Republican national convention, but, at the same time, it serves up off-the-wall moments like Coogan in drag snuggling with partner Cochran on a stakeout.

Surprisingly adult for the times, Cochran’s wife (Spain) becomes pregnant soon after she’s assaulted by the serial rapist, and she ponders whether to receive an illegal abortion.  Meanwhile, Cochran becomes obsessed with the man who attacked his wife and stalks potential victim Van Doren.  Danton, who’s training younger surfer dude Mitchum to follow in his footsteps, is properly slimy and psychotic, but Cochran is barely better, even with nice-guy partner Coogan trying to talk him down.  Mitchum, still a teenager then, is pretty bad, but he became at least a convincing action star as he got older.

Louis Armstrong and singer Cathy Crosby appear as themselves, and the weirdo supporting cast includes Dick Contino (whose ukulele musical number is crosscut with the violent climax), Ray Anthony (as Mamie’s bitter ex-husband), Irish McCalla (as Coogan’s wife), Norman Grabowski, Maxie Rosenbloom, Charles Chaplin Jr., William Schallert (as a priest who tries to talk non-Catholic Spain out of her decision to have an abortion), Sid Melton and Vampira.  Many in the cast and crew, including director Haas, followed Zugsmith to his equally oddball THE BIG OPERATOR and GIRLS TOWN.

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (1996)--Directed by Ted Demme. Stars Timothy Hutton, Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman, Natalie Portman. Another BIG CHILL/SINGLES offshoot about a bunch of Generation Xers lucky and unlucky in love. Lounge pianist Hutton returns to his small Minnesota hometown for his high school reunion, and rekindles his friendships with school buddies Dillon and Michael Rapaport. He also falls for the gorgeous visiting cousin (Thurman) of another buddy (Taylor Pruitt Vince; what kind of gene pool could produce both Thurman and the beefy Vince?), and develops an intellectual crush on the impossibly mature and wise 13-year-old next door (Portman in the film's best performance). There's nothing really new or interesting here, although Portman works hard to make an unbelievable character very appealing. BEAUTIFUL GIRLS is a mildly diverting timewaster, although any film that features a scene in which Dillon and Rapaport discuss the villainy of William Smith's vicious Falconetti in RICH MAN, POOR MAN can't be too bad.

BEDAZZLED (2000)--Directed by Harold Ramis.  Stars Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley, Frances O'Connor.  Fraser shows great comic chops in this remake of the 1967 British film, which was directed by Stanley Donen and starred Dudley Moore and Peter Cook (who also scripted).  Fraser plays a lovable loser who is mocked by his co-workers and pines for a pretty woman played by O'Connor.  Resigned to the fact that O'Connor will never even know he exists, Fraser is accosted by The Devil Herself (Hurley), a gorgeous brunette clad in an array of form-fitting dresses.  In exchange for his soul, Satan awards Fraser seven wishes, which he uses to become (accidentally) a drug dealer, an NBA star, etc.  You couldn't ask for more perfect casting than Hurley as an alluring temptress, and Fraser overcomes his natural hunkiness to portray a very likable Everyman.  Also with Orlando Jones, Toby Huss, Paul Adelstein, Brian Doyle-Murray and Miriam Shor.  Larry Gelbart (TOOTSIE) and Peter Tolan (THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW) assisted Ramis with the screenplay.  Music by David Newman.  From the director of CADDYSHACK.

BEERFEST (2006)—Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar.  Stars Broken Lizard, Jurgen Prochnow, Cloris Leachman.  Broken Lizard, a comedy troupe formed at Colgate University that made a big splash with the silly SUPER TROOPERS, sets their second best film in the world of beer chugging.  Brothers Todd (Erik Stolhanske) and Jan (Paul Soter) Wolfhouse are forced to defend their honor when German dickwads led by domineering Prochnow (DAS BOOT) school them in a beer-guzzling contest.  Vowing to return to Oktoberfest in one year for a grudge match, the Wolfhouses organize a drinking team consisting of Jewish scientist Finklestein (Steve Lemme), lardassed Landfill (Kevin Heffernan) and gay gigolo Barry Badrinath (director Chandrasekhar).  Typical slob-comedy shenanigans occur, punctuated with occasional bare breasts and tons of beer drinking.  BEERFEST avoids the mistake made by inferior Broken Lizard comedies PUDDLE CRUISER and CLUB DREAD, and keeps the five leads together as much as possible, allowing their natural chemistry to generate laughs.  Their whole is definitely greater than the sum of their parts.  Also with Mo’Nique, M.C. Gainey, Blanchard Ryan and unbilled bits by Donald Sutherland and Willie Nelson.  The closing crawl promises a sequel, POTFEST, which may or may not be a joke.

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957)--Directed by Bert I. Gordon.  Stars Peter Graves, Peggie Castle, Morris Ankrum, Thomas B. Henry.  I have a soft spot for this film simply because it’s set in my hometown.  All the references to (real towns) Ludlow, Rantoul, Paxton, Champaign and Urbana are fun, even though Gordon forgot to hide the Southern California mountain ranges.  This ridiculous movie is obviously based on THEM! and stars Graves as a government scientist who engineers a radioactive pesticide that creates giant crops.  Unfortunately, it also creates thousands of giant locusts. They destroy Ludlow, Rantoul and Joliet on their path of destruction towards Chicago.  Instead of building fake-looking mechanical locusts, special effects “wizard” Gordon used unsatisfactory mattes of real insects.  They're made to attack Chicago skyscrapers by having them walk on glossy photos of buildings!  Believe it or not, Irwin Allen appropriated Gordon’s climax for THE SWARM two decades later.  Music by Albert Glasser.

THE BEGUILED (1971)--Directed by Don Siegel. Stars Clint Eastwood, Geraldine Page, Jo Ann Harris. One of the few Eastwood films to lose money at the box office. Clint is an injured Civil War soldier nursed back to health by the sexually repressed faculty and student body of a southern girls' school. He's a real jerk in this one, as he lies and cons his way into the beds of various women, including the spinster headmistress (Page) and a wild teenager (Harris). Until the recent success of UNFORGIVEN, Eastwood was underrated as an actor, and not given enough credit for taking chances with his image. His character here is probably his least heroic, which is probably why it wasn't a hit. Recommended. From the director of DIRTY HARRY.

BEHIND ENEMY LINES (1987)—Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.  Stars Robert Patrick, Robert Dryer, Lydie Denier.  I doubt Filipino exploitation king Santiago receives much credit for it, but he discovered leading man Patrick several years before James Cameron cast the unknown actor in TERMINATOR 2 as the cyborg T-1000.  This is one of many action quickies Patrick starred in for Santiago during the late 1980s.  It’s set at the end of the Vietnam conflict and stars Patrick as John Ransom, an Army captain who escapes from a POW camp and puts together a secret squad to return and rescue his buddies.  Later, he learns that his archenemy, Russian Dmitri (Dryer), has kidnapped a Communist scientist who wishes to defect, so he puts together another squad and returns again.  As usual, Santiago’s film is light on logic and production values, but there sure is a lot of shooting, fighting and blowing stuff up.  He basically made the same film probably fifty times, but if you’re cool with a non-stop barrage of wartime violence, you might as well watch this one.  Also with William Steis, Morgan Douglas, Joe Mari Avellana (also the writer and production designer), Henry Strzalkowski and Barbara Hooper, who later married Robert Patrick.

THE BEING (1983)--Directed by Jackie Kong. Stars Bill Osco, Martin Landau, Marianne Gordon. Anyone who's had the misfortune to sit through any of Kong's other features, such as the witless BLOOD DINER or the painful NIGHT PATROL, which makes my Top Ten Worst Films of All Time list, won't be surprised to learn this Idaho-filmed monster movie that she wrote and directed and her husband William Osco produced and stars in (using two names--Rexx Coltrane in the opening titles and Johnny Commander in the closing crawl) is stupid, cheap and incompetently lensed. On the other hand, in the right setting with a few friends and the proper blood-alcohol level, THE BEING is certainly good for some hearty guffaws.

My favorite example of Kong's incompetence is a scene in which three local yokels break into an empty building with the intention of burning it down. One says, "Let's see if we can find anything around here to burn" while clearly standing in front of a high stack of cardboard boxes. Time means nothing to Kong either. She follows one night scene with another of Landau giving an interview during the daytime. Then she cuts back to night, where one character states the time as being "11:45" (presumably P.M.). This eventually leads to a musical recital taking place at the mayor's home, which couldn't possibly have begun before midnight. On a Sunday night. Don't any of these people have to work on Monday?

THE BEING opens with a portentous, deep-voiced narrator telling us "strange and unexplained events are occurring" in Pottsville, Idaho, which a country music DJ tells us is the "potato capital of the world". Right away, we know we're in big trouble--has there ever been a good horror movie that began with useless narration? The DJ also tells us about the deadly storms that have been plaguing Pottsville, although not a drop of rain nor even a puddle is seen in the whole picture. However, we do learn that people have been disappearing ever since a young boy named Michael vanished near the town's new nuclear waste dump. Some townspeople are worried that the presence of so much radiation will be hazardous to their health, but Dr. Garson Jones (Landau) tries to assuage their fears by pointing a Geiger counter at his wristwatch and a glass of water. Whew! That makes me feel better, Marty! More hazardous to their health is the "being" of the title--a slimy, red mutated creature with tentacles and large teeth that randomly chomps down on the Pottsville populace. Investigating is local cop Mortimer Lutz (Osco aka Coltrane aka Commander aka "Mr." Kong), who has the odd habit of talking to himself ("Now why did he leave his flashlight lying the middle of the street?") and sorta has a crush on cute waitress Laurie (HEE HAW honey Gordon).

The silly character names seem to indicate Kong and Osco were making a comedy, but since there's nothing in THE BEING approaching (intentional) humor, it's hard to be sure. Nothing could be funnier than the monster itself, which has one eye that wobbles around like one of those bobble-head dolls and, since we only see it from mid-torso up, is probably being pushed around in a wheelchair. It also has the ability to appear anywhere at anytime--even if it was just seen vanishing into a hole underground, it can still pop up seconds later inside an automobile. Obviously, if the filmmakers fail to set any ground rules or limitations regarding the creature's abilities, it's hard to generate much suspense. Kong's main preparation must have been watching ALIEN a few times; there's even a scene where two characters wander around a large building searching (for no real reason) for a cat!

Since Osco's earlier producing efforts had been of the softcore porn variety, including FLESH GORDON, a few jabs are taken at fanatics who picket a massage parlor. Inexplicably, even the Landau character, who isn't a local and would seem to have little interest in Pottsville politics, grabs a sign. Despite their above-the-title billing, none of the "stars"--Jose Ferrer, Dorothy Malone and Ruth Buzzi--have much to do, except Landau, who actually gives a decent performance, considering what he's working with. Osco Coltrane Commander Kong may have been going for a "deadpan" style of acting, but he comes off somnambulant instead.

THE BEING was filmed in 1980 as EASTER SUNDAY (the film's setting, which actually is irrelevant), but not released until 1983. It has also reportedly been seen as FREAK and THE POTTSVILLE HORROR. It closes with picture credits, which are always fun (although they were probably used here to stretch the film to 82 minutes), and AMERICAN GRAFFITI-style "where-are-they-now" cards, which aren't. Also with Murray Langston (THE GONG SHOW's Unknown Comic), Kinky Friedman, Kent Perkins and Johnny Dark. Gordon was married to Kenny Rogers at the time. Don Preston's music is pretty dull, except for the driving number laid under the closing credits--too bad he waited so late to peak!

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH (1999)--Directed by Spike Jonze. Stars John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, Orson Bean, John Malkovich. This would have been a fantastic half-hour TWILIGHT ZONE episode. Maybe it isn't fair to criticize a film for what it isn't, so I won't hold that against BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, although many of Rod Serling's best scripts for that classic series dealt with the same issues Jonze and writer Charlie Kaufman toy with in their movie: loss of identity and a longing to be somebody else. I liked their movie anyway; it's certainly one of the most original and audacious comedies to come down the Hollywood pike in quite some time.

The plot is a bit difficult to describe without giving too much away, but here goes: Craig (Cusack) is a frustrated puppeteer (!) who lives in a basement New York apartment with his dowdy wife Lotte (an unrecognizable Diaz), a dog, a chimp with an ulcer (thanks to some repressed childhood trauma), a talking parrot and other assorted animals. Frustrated by his inability to earn a living at his art (without becoming a puppeteering "sellout"), he lands a job as a file clerk with the Lester Corporation, headed by 105-year-old Dr. Lester (Bean). The Lester Corporation is located on the 7 1/2th floor of an office building, and features ceilings so low that the workers have to walk around stooped. At work, Craig meets Maxine (Keener), a cool brunette who knows she's sexy, and enjoys the torment she heaps upon those men who lust after her. Craig becomes one of those men. He also discovers, hidden behind some file cabinets in his office, a portal that allows its user to inhabit the brain of actor John Malkovich--seeing what he sees, hearing what he hears--but only for 15 minutes at a time, after which the user is dropped into a muddy ditch next to the New Jersey turnpike.

To say much more would deny you the pleasures of experiencing the twists and turns of the plot for yourself. Although the script is a bit short on belly laughs, the film is always entertaining, and leads to a climax that is both sweet and ironic. Cusack, one of the most likable leading men working today, is a good choice as Craig, since he allows us to sympathize with the puppeteer's plight even as he does some unlikable things in this movie. Diaz, with her frumpy clothes and unattractive brown hairdo, projects a certain sweetness that is necessary to her character. Keener (who resembles Mimi Rogers) has the ambitious ice queen thing down, while Bean shines in the best film role he's had in decades.

Of course, the film wouldn't work at all if not for John Malkovich. I don't know whether he was always intended to be the screenplay's subject (or was the title originally BEING BRAD PITT, for instance), but he turns out to be exactly the right choice. Famous enough to be somewhat known, but chameleonic enough in his film roles to give him that I-know-I've-seen-you-in-something-but-I-can't-remember-what quality, Malkovich wins the Hollywood Good Sport award this year. Playing himself--but not really playing himself--he delivers one of his best performances, especially when inhabited and controlled by the Cusack character late in the picture. He mocks himself, the public perception of himself and the concept of celebrity, and he seems to be having a grand time doing it.

I haven't even mentioned the hard-of-hearing receptionist who believes everyone else has a speech impediment, a hilarious cameo by Charlie Sheen, or the peculiar moment when Malkovich travels through the portal himself (enough to give one nightmares!). Suffice to say that Jonze and Kaufman have created the year's most creative comedy, and a very promising feature-film debut for Jonze (who also acted opposite George Clooney in THREE KINGS); unlike most music-video and commercial veterans making the transition to films, Jonze seems to be interested in ideas and characterizations, as well as exhibiting a sharp visual flair. I look forward to seeing whatever he decides to direct next. Also with Mary Kay Place, Byrne Piven, W. Earl Brown and Sean Penn. Music by Carter Burwell fits every scene like a glove.

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (1952)--Directed by William Beaudine.  Stars Duke Mitchell, Sammy Petrillo.  Laurel & Hardy…Abbott & Costello…Martin & Lewis…Mitchell & Petrillo.  In the grand tradition of Hollywood comedy teams, few are left in the barrel by the time you scrape Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo off the bottom of it.  However, if you had banged around the Sunset Strip during the early 1950’s, there’s a decent chance you might have heard of them.  At the time, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were the #1 comedy team in America, scoring big on radio, stage, the silver screen and television on THE COLGATE COMEDY HOUR.  Martin & Lewis were hot back then, and Mitchell and Petrillo, if you can believe it, made their living as Martin & Lewis imitators.

Mitchell didn’t really look a lot like Dino, but he was a good-looking Italian guy who could sing a bit.  On the other hand, Petrillo’s resemblance to Jerry was uncanny.  He wasn’t very funny, but he looked and sounded almost exactly like Lewis, and, even though he was still just a teenager, he was able to present a reasonable facsimile of Jerry’s spastic screen persona.  So Duke and Sammy didn’t exactly come out and say, “We’re ripping off Martin and Lewis,” but anyone who caught their nightclub act would realize that’s exactly what they were doing.

Realart Pictures, run by a Detroit theater owner named Jack Broder, made its name re-releasing classic Universal horror films, like DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN.  In 1952, Broder and Mitchell & Petrillo’s manager, Maurice Duke, got the idea to put the team in a movie that would be produced in nine days on a budget no higher than $50,000.  The result is one of cinema’s strangest comedies, one goofy enough to actually earn its ridiculous title:  BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA.

Lugosi had once been a great stage and screen star, most famous for portraying Count Dracula in Universal’s 1931 classic, but by 1952, he had already become the broken-down heroin addict played by Martin Landau in 1994’s ED WOOD.  It’s unlikely Lugosi’s name in the title had much cachet then, but perhaps Broder was remembering the grosses from Realart’s DRACULA re-release when it came time to release his new picture.  At least it plays fair, since Lugosi does indeed “meet” a Brooklyn gorilla.  Sort of.

Don’t expect Tim Ryan’s screenplay to make much sense, but here we go.  Duke and Sammy play Duke and Sammy, a pair of nightclub entertainers who accidentally fall out of an airplane (while luckily wearing parachutes) and happen to drop onto a South Seas island populated by a native chief with a Brooklyn accent (Al Kikume) and his daughter Nona (played by a Mexican actress billed as Charlita).  Also on the island is Dr. Zabor (Lugosi), a mad scientist who is in love with Nona, who works as his assistant in his laboratory.  Ryan and director William Beaudine--notoriously nicknamed One-Shot because of his reputation for filming only one take of each scene, even if an actor blew a line or the set fell down--establish Nona as having an American college education, yet she fails to recognize simple English idioms and has no idea what a clothing label is.

Duke and Nona fall for each other, while Nona’s fat “baby sister” Saloma (Muriel Landers) chases Sammy all over the island.  Zabor decides the best way to get Duke out from between him and Nona is to turn the crooner into a gorilla.  The good doc is working on experiments in evolution, y’see, although there doesn’t appear to be much of a market for a man-into-monkey potion.  And if you’re an animal lover, there’s no need to fret.  No simians were harmed during the production; stuntman Steve Calvert, who specialized in this type of part, donned his own gorilla suit to play the transformed Duke.

Sure, the story is as asinine as its setup, but who cares?  Mitchell gets to perform his signature tune, Fred Rose and Walter Hirsch’s “’Deed I Do”, several times, Sammy screams and runs around a lot, and Bela gets to be Bela.  It even appears that Lugosi is having a good time, not that he would have any reason not to enjoy spending four days mugging for a movie with his name in the title.

While I doubt either ever saw BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA, Dean Martin reportedly got a kick out of Mitchell & Petrillo’s act, but Jerry Lewis didn’t.  The two imitators broke up after Lewis threatened to sue them.  Both more or less fell out of show business after that, although Mitchell later resurrected himself to write, produce, compose, direct and star in a violent mobster movie called THE EXECUTIONER in 1974.

THE BELARUS FILE (1985)--Directed by Robert Markowitz.  Stars Telly Savalas, Suzanne Pleshette, Max von Sydow.  This was the first of several KOJAK reunions that presented a new case for suave baldie Theo Kojak, played so smoothly by silky Savalas, and features a few old series regulars in small supporting roles (sans Kevin Dobson, who was doing KNOTS LANDING at the time). It's a solid mystery shot in New York and features the great Max von Sydow (THE SEVENTH SEAL) as a Russian survivor of a Nazi death camp who may or may not be murdering his fellow inmates 40 years later in New York City. BELARUS isn't action-packed or sensational or glossy or rat-a-tat-tat, merely an engrossing police procedural with clues and conversations and not a single Crime Scene Investigator in sight.  Not particularly memorable, but well-written by series vet Albert Ruben and well-performed, the kind of quiet mystery network television appears to have forgotten about.  Also with Herbert Berghof, Alan Rosenberg, Dan Lauria, James Handy and regulars Dan Frazer, George Savalas (who died that year), Vince Conti and Mark Russell as Saperstein.  Music by Barry DeVorzon.

BELL FROM HELL (1973)--Directed by Claudio Guerin Hill.  Stars Renaud Verley, Viveca Lindfors.  This Spanish horror film is best known for the on-set death of its director, who fell on the last day of shooting from the bell tower that's prominently featured during its second half (Juan Antonio Bardem completed the film).  A young man named John (Verley) is released from an asylum, where he was sentenced after being wrongfully accused of raping his cousin.  His aunt (Lindfors) and her three beautiful daughters feign sympathy, but really want to drive him insane and inherit his wealth.  Cursed with a macabre sense of humor, John plays cruel practical jokes on people (including convincing a neighbor woman that he had sex with her while she was unconscious) that backfire on him in the end.  I found Hill's psychological horror film to be confusing and frustratingly obtuse.  It does have an attractive visual style and several moments of interest, but Hill's arty approach didn't work for me.  I saw a cut TV print that removed shots of nudity and violence that could perhaps have filled in a few gaps in the plot.  LA CAMPANA DEL INFIERNO also features Christine Betzner, Nuria Gimeno and Maribel Martin.

THE BELLBOY (1960)--Directed by Jerry Lewis. Stars Jerry Lewis. Jerry's directorial debut. He's a bellboy at a Miami hotel. There are a lot of sketches and blackouts, many of which are funny. Lewis's character is interesting in that he plays the role without dialogue. One of Lewis's best films; in fact, one of the few that I can actually sit through as an adult. Milton Berle and Joe E. Ross have cameos.

BELLS (1981)--Directed by Michael Anderson.  Stars Richard Chamberlain, John Houseman.  This Canadian horror movie was severely cut and released in the U.S. as MURDER BY PHONE.  It relies on a silly gimmick that probably looked less outrageous during the slasher-movie boom of the early 1980’s.  A madman has discovered a method of murdering people over the telephone.  When his victim answers, he uses an electronic doohickey to send an electrical charge through the phone line.  The victim shivers and shakes, blood pours from his eyes and ears, and the receiver explodes in a ball of light, flinging its holder several feet through the air into a conveniently placed (nice touch, Michael Anderson) glass cabinet, wall or window.  The murder scenes are pretty cool, with Chamberlain and Houseman providing classy performances and the screenplay’s anti-corporation stance adding a message.  Chamberlain (just coming off SHOGUN) is an ecology professor who turns gumshoe when a former student is the maniac’s first kill.  The police write it off as a heart attack (the non-action of the police in the film--her death is quite obviously not a heart attack--is the script’s biggest distraction, even though an attempt is made to convince us that the telephone company is calling the shots), but Chamberlain, who’s in Toronto for an environmentalist symposium, thinks differently.  Houseman plays his former mentor, now (coincidentally?) a consultant for the phone company.  Barry Morse is a “guest star”; with Robin Gammill, Sara Botsford, Gary Reineke and Alan Scarfe.  John Barry composed and conducted the music.

BELLY OF THE BEAST (2003)--Directed by Siu-Tung Ching.  Stars Steven Seagal, Byron Mann, Monica To.  I doubt that the makers of the Canadian/British/Hong Kong BELLY OF THE BEAST were referring to the gut of their star when they created the title, but it's funny to think about. BELLY was the third Steven Seagal movie to be released in 2003, and also the best. It's not good, but it isn't too bad, thanks to lively direction by Siu-Tung Ching, who served as the action choreographer on Zhang Yimou's HERO and HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS.  Seagal's stuntman is the one doing most of the work in BELLY. Rule of thumb when watching action films: anytime you can't see the actor's face during a fight scene, it ain't him. Many of BELLY's fights are shot from the neck down, allowing Seagal's double to go all out. Occasionally Siu-Tung will cut to a close-up of Seagal grimacing or even give him a fancy hand move, but the fights are almost completely doubled. 

The plot is pretty basic for a Seagal movie: he's a former U.S. agent whose teenage daughter is kidnapped, and so he must rescue her and kill everyone responsible. It was shot in Thailand and takes good advantage of the natural locations. Byron Mann, who backed up Tom Berenger in the good SNIPER 3, and sexy Monica To, who receives the honor of making out with Seagal, are in it. The action scenes are well-shot and edited to the bass-heavy score.  There's also a strange and completely gratuitous nude scene in which a sexy Thai woman splashes water on her breasts to reveal to Seagal a secret clue.  If you're into Seagal, but have passed on several of his recent films, you might find some satisfaction with this one.  Scripter James Townsend also penned Seagal's next movie, OUT OF REACH. 

BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970)--Directed by Ted Post. Stars James Franciscus, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, Linda Harrison, Charlton Heston. Good sequel stars Franciscus as an American astronaut searching for missing colleague Heston, and stumbling onto intelligent apes and an underground race of mutants. Well-directed by Post. A strong anti-nuclear message. Best scene is when the telepathic mutants force Franciscus and Heston to fight each other. Also with Victor Buono, Gregory Sierra, Maurice Evans, Jeff Corey, James Gregory. Roddy McDowall missed out on this one, but he would be back for the next three APE films.

BENEATH THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA-VIXENS (1979)--Directed by Russ Meyer.  Stars Kitten Natividad, Ken Kerr.  Poor Levonia (gigantic-hootered stripper Natividad).  She’s as horny as the day is long, but her hubby Lamar (Kerr) isn’t interested in any sex that isn’t of the anal variety.  Both run around having lots of sex with other people until they realize how much they love each other.  This X-rated farce was Meyer’s last film, and was penned by film critic Roger Ebert, also the screenwriter of Meyer’s wild BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.  It’s fast-paced, far-out, and not very funny.  Uschi Digard, Stuart Lancaster, Candy Samples, Patrick Wright and Sharon Hill are in it.

BERSERK (1967)--Directed by Jim OConnolly. Stars Joan Crawford, Ty Hardin, Michael Gough, Judy Geeson. Herman Cohen horror produced in England. Joan is the sixty-something owner and headmaster of a circus traveling towards London that is beset by a series of bizarre killings. A trapeze artist falls to his death; Gough has a spike driven through his skull. Plenty of red herrings are tossed into the mix to keep you guessing the murderers identity, including Hardin as an arrogant young acrobat having an affair with Crawford. From the director of VALLEY OF GWANGI.

BEST FRIENDS (1982)--Directed by Norman Jewison. Stars Burt Reynolds, Goldie Hawn, Barnard Hughes, Audra Lindley, Ron Silver. Burt and Goldie are screenwriters "living in sin" who decide to get married. Their decision to spend their honeymoon visiting their parents takes its toll on their relationship. The stars are cute, and Silver is hilarious as an obnoxious producer. Script by Valerie Curtin and Barry Levinson is probably based somewhat on their own lives.

THE BEST MAN (1964)--Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner. Stars Henry Fonda, Cliff Robertson, Lee Tracy, Edie Adams. Strong drama about a pair of potential Presidential candidates (Fonda, Robertson) vying for the same nomination. Both are hoping for the support of the incumbent President (excellently played by Tracy in an Oscar-nominated performance). Takes place over the space of one day during the nominating convention. Says a lot about the machinations of the nomination process. Based on a play by Gore Vidal.

THE BEST OF SEX AND VIOLENCE (1981)--Directed by Ken Dixon. Stars John Carradine. This amazing tape is out of print, but it's worth searching for. Carradine hosts this collection of trailers from '70s exploitation movies, including horror (TOURIST TRAP, ZOMBIE), blaxploitation (DR. BLACK & MR. HYDE, Rudy Ray Moore), womens' prison (SWEET SUGAR, TERMINAL ISLAND) and even softcore versions of fairy tales (CINDERELLA, ALICE IN WONDERLAND)! Phyllis Davis (SWEET SUGAR), Vanity (TANYAS ISLAND), Edy Williams (DR. MINX) and Claudia Jennings (TRUCK STOP WOMEN) all appear nude. Carradine pops up between each trailer to deliver (not very funny) witticisms, and his actor sons David and Keith (looking very uncomfortable) make a brief appearance.

BEST OF THE BEST 2 (1993)--Directed by Robert Rusler. Stars Phillip Rhee, Eric Roberts, Christopher Penn. I never saw the first of this series, but this sequel is reportedly more violent and whacked out. Wayne Newton hosts illegal gladiator fights in the basement of a Las Vegas nightclub. When a dirty fighter kills Penn, Rhee (who also served as a producer) seeks revenge. Also with Sonny Landham and Meg Foster.

BEST OF THE BEST 3: NO TURNING BACK (1995)--Directed by Phillip Rhee.  Stars Phillip Rhee, Christopher McDonald, Gina Gershon, Mark Rolston, Cristina Lawson.  Martial arts expert Tommy Lee (Rhee), who gave up teaching following his adventure in Las Vegas two years earlier, arrives in a small Midwestern town to visit his sister Karen (Lawson), who lives with her son and her husband Jack (McDonald), the local sheriff.  The town is in the grips of a large army of white supremacists who go around lynching black ministers, burning churches, harassing women and burning crosses in Jack's yard.  For some reason, Jack spends most of the running time sitting on his thumbs, leaving it up to Tommy to infiltrate the racists' camp and blow them all to Hell.  Rhee is kinda stiff, but no more so than many other direct-to-video action stars.  I think he might be a better director than actor, since he handles the requisite action scenes nicely and doesn't allow the serious racism theme to overwhelm what is basically a potboiler.  BEST 3 is perhaps most noteworthy for its early performance by SHOWGIRLS star Gershon, who flirts nicely with Rhee.  Also with R. Lee Ermey, Dee Wallace Stone, Michael Bailey Smith, Peter Simmons and Cole McKay.  Believe it or not, BEST OF THE BEST 4 was next.

THE BEST OF THE MARTIAL ARTS FILMS--See THE DEADLIEST ART: THE BEST OF THE MARTIAL ARTS FILMS. 

THE BEST OF TIMES (1986)--Directed by Roger Spottiswoode. Stars Robin Williams, Kurt Russell, Pamela Reed, Holly Palance. Williams plays a timid small-town man in his thirties who still regrets dropping the winning touchdown pass in the high school championship football game thirteen years previously. To make up for his error, he plans a rematch game. Russell is good as the star quarterback who regrets not living up to his hype after high school. Screenplay by Ron Shelton, who has made a good living making sports comedies (BULL DURHAM, WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP).

BEST SELLER (1987)--Directed by John Flynn.  Stars James Woods, Brian Dennehy, Victoria Tennant, Paul Shenar.  BEST SELLER was poorly marketed as a buddy movie, but it's really a thriller with a clever premise and a thin plot (typical of writer Larry Cohen).  Cop Dennehy, who's also a best-selling author (think Joseph Wambaugh), is approached by corporate hitman James Woods to do a book on his career.  Woods wants to bring down the fatcats who got rich off the dead bodies they hired him to create, making both killer and cop targets for murder.  Dennehy and Woods have good chemistry, but there's little to BEST SELLER beyond their performances.  Also with Sully Boyar, Kathleen Lloyd, Charles Tyner and an unbilled Seymour Cassell.  From the director of ROLLING THUNDER.  Music by Jay Ferguson.

BETRAYED (1988)--Directed by Costa-Gavras. Stars Debra Winger, Tom Berenger, John Heard, John Mahoney, Richard Libertini. FBI agent Winger goes undercover to ferret out a murderous white supremacist gang