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THE ANDERSONVILLE TRIAL (1970)--Directed
by George C. Scott. Stars William Shatner, Jack Cassidy, Richard Basehart, Cameron Mitchell. Scott played the
role of the prosecuting Judge Advocate in the 1959 Broadway presentation of Saul Levitt's play. Eleven years later,
he directed it for PBS with an all-star cast of imposing television actors at the height of their game.
Swiss-born Henry Wirz (Basehart) is on trial in 1865 for atrocities
that occurred while he was the ruling commandant of the Confederate prisoner-of-war camp near Andersonville, Georgia.
More than 40,000 Union prisoners were crowded into an area meant to hold less than half that, and were not provided adequate
food, water, shelter or medical care. Prisoners were forced to drink from the same swampy stream that their bodily waste
was emptied into. They slept year round on bare ground without a roof over their heads. Food was so scarce that
some of the men resorted to cannibalism.
Shatner, one year after STAR TREK left the air, has the plum
role of Lt. Col. Chipman, the prosecutor obsessed with making Wirz pay for his alleged abuse. Cassidy, who was nominated
for an Emmy (ANDERSONVILLE won three, including Levitt's teleplay and for Outstanding Single Program), is equally good as
Wirz' defense attorney, who alleges that his client was merely following the orders of his superiors and cannot be held responsible
for the thousands of deaths that occurred as a result of them.
While much of the dialogue is taken directly from the transcripts
of the real Wirz' trial, Levitt takes a few dramatic liberties, putting Wirz on the stand to tell his story and adding an
extra theme of moral responsibility into the mix. More specifically, should Wirz have done the "right" thing and disobeyed
his orders at the risk of a possible court martial and even death?
At nearly 140 minutes, Scott takes his time telling his story
and gives his marvelous cast plenty of opportunity to wrap themselves around their meaty roles. Like Scott, none of
the cast is known for being particularly subtle (Mitchell, taking a welcome respite from exploitation movies, portrays General
Wallace, the presiding judge), but their theatrical backgrounds are entirely appropriate for this talky drama set entirely
within the courtroom. Those who consider Shatner a "bad" actor because of his flair for the dramatic may be surprised
to learn how good he can be under the right circumstances, as his unique performing style is perfectly massaged by director
Scott to carry the show.
THE ANDERSONVILLE TRIAL was produced on videotape under PBS'
HOLLYWOOD TELEVISION THEATRE banner. The wonderful supporting cast includes Buddy Ebsen as the Andersonville camp's
country doctor, Albert Salmi, John Anderson, Whit Bissell, Martin Sheen, Harry Townes, Lou Frizzell (who acted with Scott
in the original Broadway production) and Michael Burns. Many of the actors appear only in wordless cameos, but manage
to give the production some extra dramatic weight: Ford Rainey, Kenneth Tobey, Bert Freed, Alan Hale, Ian Wolfe, Woodrow Parfrey
and Dick Miller. Mundell Lowe provides the sparse musical score.
ANDROID (1982)--Directed by Aaron Lipstadt.
Stars Klaus Kinski, Don Opper, Brie Howard, Norbert Weisser, Crofton Hardester, Kendra Kirchner. ANDROID was filmed
in twenty shooting days on a budget of just $500,000. It was not financially successful at the box office, undoubtedly
because it lacks the exploitative elements with which Corman’s marketing team had grown adept at handling. Positive
reviews and film festival playdates earned ANDROID a small cult audience, but serious SF fans, likely thinking it was another
New World sex-and-gorefest like GALAXY OF TERROR or FORBIDDEN WORLD, mostly stayed away from it.
ANDROID is a simple, yet not simplistic, story of surprising
sensitivity and humanity. It mostly falls upon the capable shoulders of Don Opper, who co-wrote the screenplay and stars
in it (uncredited) as Max 404, the titular droid who is shy, lacking in social skills, and deeply curious about Earth pop
culture of the 20th century. Opper, whose previous job was hammering together flats as a carpenter on earlier New World
movies, is perfect in his debut role, a graceful mixture of Charlie Chaplin and C-3PO who undergoes a tremendous upheaval
in personality throughout the course of the film. Opper remains likable even as Max performs actions that appear morally
repulsive to us.
It’s 2036, and Max is the lone assistant to Dr. Daniel
(top-billed Kinski) on a space station far from Earth, a planet Max has never seen, but desperately wishes to visit.
After five years of serving as cook, janitor and butler to the only human he’s ever known, Max enthusiastically provides
safe haven to three escaped convicts who hijacked a prison spaceship and guided the wounded vessel to Daniel’s landing
bay for repairs. The mad doctor wants the intruders gone, until he notices that one of them is a woman, Maggie (Howard).
Daniel is working to construct an android woman more advanced than Max, but needs to siphon the sexual energy from a human
female to get his new ‘bot up and running. Meanwhile, the child-like Max, who has viewed primitive sexual instruction
tapes in case he ever met a flesh-and-blood woman, falls in love with Maggie, and there are signs that perhaps she may be
attracted to his innocent nature as well.
The other escapees—kindly Keller (Weisser) and bully
Mendes (Hardester)—are important to Android’s story too, but the Daniel/Maggie/Max triangle is its heart and soul.
Daniel doesn’t love Maggie, of course; I doubt he’s capable of loving any human being. His sights rest solely
on Cassandra (Kirchner), his beautiful blonde creation whose very existence endangers Max’s.
Director Lipstadt, who works often in episodic TV drama, amps
up the third-act action and drama with infighting among the criminals and a tragedy that spurs Daniel to tinker with Max’s
programming and transform the tender helper into a superhuman killing machine—a Terminator, if you will (James Cameron
worked as a designer on ANDROID). Opper’s transition from wide-eyed virgin to soulless murderer flawlessly builds
upon small pieces of business slyly revealed earlier that seemed superfluous. Lipstadt and Opper aren’t afraid
to treat their audience with respect and not pound plot points into them. Granted, a couple of points could be clearer,
but the witty dialogue by Opper and James Reigle and the good acting help the story eventually come together well enough.
Even Kinski, whose eccentric tendencies on- and off-screen were always a threat to derail a production, is unusually understated.
With its meager budget, ANDROID was no threat to derail the
box office momentum of E.T. and STAR TREK II, even though its visual effects are imaginative and well-crafted and its set
design colorful and functional. However, as wonderful as those films are, it isn’t an overstatement to place ANDROID
in their company. Lipstadt’s film is intelligent, literate science fiction with a dash of justifiable violence
and sex to keep the marketing folks happy. Also with future Corman directors Rachel Talalay (also the production accountant)
and Mary Ann Fisher (producer), Wayne Springfield (who served as art director) and Darrell Larson. Music by Don Preston
(previously with the Mothers of Invention).
THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971)--Directed by
Robert Wise. Stars Arthur Hill, David Wayne, Kate Reid, James Olson, Paula Kelly. Slow-paced but interesting adaptation of
Michael Crichton's best seller about a small desert town wiped out by a deadly virus from outer space and the team of government
scientists assigned to stop the infection from spreading and destroying mankind. The accent here is on science, not characterization,
but Wise keeps us interested, and there's an exciting finale featuring Olson in a race against time to keep a nuclear bomb
from exploding. Douglas Trumbull supervised the visual effects. Electronic score by Gil Melle. From the director of THE SOUND
OF MUSIC and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.
ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN (1973)--Directed by Paul Morrissey.
Stars Udo Kier, Monique van Vooren, Joe Dallesandro, Arno Juerning. One of the decade's most outrageous movies. Made in 3-D
and released with an X rating, Morrissey's film is packed with depravity, gore, nudity and some of the most whacked-out images
and dialogue imaginable. His script is packed with juicy black comedy and nutty dialogue, much of it spoken by German actor
Kier, who plays the Baron Frankenstein (although the family name is never spoken or even referred to). Married to his sister,
but not above enjoying an occasional carnal act with a corpse, the Baron creates a pair of sexy blonde male and female creatures.
He would like for them to mate in order to create a new master race, but unfortunately the brain that his assistant Otto (Jeurning)
procured for the male zombie previously belonged to a virgin who was planning to join a monastery. Also known as FLESH FOR
FRANKENSTEIN, it is not to be missed! Morrissey made this and ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA, also with Kier, back-to-back in Rome.
Italian director Antonio Margheriti "supervised" the two Warhol films.
ANGEL (1984)--Directed by
Robert Vincent O'Neil. Stars Donna Wilkes, Cliff Gorman, Susan Tyrell, Dick Shawn, Rory Calhoun, John Diehl. "High School
Honor Student By Day, Hollywood Hooker By Night"! A great ad campaign featuring that tag line was instrumental in this becoming
a hit. After being abandoned by both her parents, 15-year-old Molly (Wilkes) puts herself through private school by turning
tricks on the sleazy streets of Hollywood as an underage hooker named Angel. A makeshift family of colorful street people--including
silent movie cowboy star Kit (Calhoun), cigar-smoking lesbian Solly (Tyrell) and flamboyant transvestite Mae (Shawn)--watch
over her. She needs all the help she can get after a necrophile serial killer (Diehl) who sucks eggs, disguises himself as
a Hare Krishna and dismembers prostitutes learns Angel can identify him. Top-billed Gorman is good as the detective investigating
the murders.
Not as much skin as you might expect, considering the subject matter (except for some completely gratuitous
locker-room shots); in fact, ANGEL's biggest flaw is its timidity. Angel does a lot of streetwalking and posing in sexy clothes,
but not much hooking. While this was probably an issue of taste, the film's antiseptic view of street life and frequent comic
relief dispel any tension in the story. Director O'Neil would have you believe that Hollywood Boulevard at night resembles
a carnival atmosphere with plenty of good-humored folk and about as much danger as a Coney Island Ferris wheel. The veteran
cast members are fun to watch, I guess, but Wilkes, who does at least look the part, isn't tough enough and is never believable
as either a high school honor student or Hollywood hooker.
The cinematographer was future director Andrew Davis (THE
FUGITIVE). Also with Elaine Giftos, Ross Hagen, Peter Jason and a BLUE THUNDER marquee. 25-year-old Wilkes was formerly McLean
Stevenson's daughter on TV's HELLO, LARRY. This was a step up. Diehl had more lines on MIAMI VICE. AVENGING ANGEL, also directed
by O'Neil, but with Betsy Russell replacing Wilkes, was the sequel. Two more ANGEL movies followed--all starred different
actresses as Angel. Music by Craig Safan, who claims to have composed the entire score in a week.
ANGEL III: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1988)--Directed
by Tom DeSimone. Stars Mitzi Kapture, Mark Blankfield, Kin Shriner, Maud Adams, Tawny Fere, Anna Navarro. ANGEL
creator Robert Vincent O'Neil had nothing to do with this second sequel to the popular New World hit. Neither did Donna
Wilkes and Betsy Russell, who played the title character in the first two O'Neil-helmed movies. It's now 14 years after
ANGEL, and Molly Stewart (future SILK STALKINGS star Kapture) appears to have forgotten all about law school, as she's now
a freelance photographer working in New York City. After glimpsing a woman she believes to be her long-gone mother,
Molly hops a flight to Los Angeles to discover that not only is her mom, Gloria (Navarro), a successful art dealer, but she
also has a 14-year-old half-sister Michelle (Fere). Unfortunately, just a few hours after Molly's tearful reunion with
the mother who left her alone to a life of child prostitution, Gloria is murdered by drug-smuggling white slaver Nadine (Adams),
who also holds Michelle in her mansion to "entertain" wealthy criminals. Rounding up a new posse of colorful helpers,
including gay hustler Spanky (Blankfield) and bland film editor Neal (Shriner), "Angel" tarts up and becomes an actress in
porn movies in an attempt to infiltrate Nadine's harem.
Perhaps no other drive-in franchise is as consistently entertaining
as the ANGEL movies. None are a whole lot better or worse than the others in the series, with ANGEL III perhaps a cut
above AVENGING ANGEL, and none are particularly great. Kapture's performance is better than those of Wilkes and Russell,
but, despite the presence of pornography, prostitution, murder, white slavery and dope in DeSimone's screenplay, ANGEL III
isn't as gritty or sleazy as it should be, presenting an antiseptic feel more akin to a SILK STALKINGS episode than an R-rated
feature meant for drive-ins. Of course, the days of theatrical exploitation were pretty much over by 1988, so perhaps
New World intended the movie to go directly to home video (although the trailer on Anchor Bay's DVD indicates a theatrical
release). Richard Roundtree pops up occasionally as Angel's new police contact, and Dick Miller plays Molly's boss.
From the director of CHATTERBOX. Lou Rawls performs the closing theme.
ANGEL EYES (1991)--Directed by Gary Graver.
Stars Monique Gabrielle, John Phillip Law, Erik Estrada, Rachel Vickers. Awful dialogue and a rotten performance in
the leading role plagues this very cheap erotic thriller, all of which takes place on a mere two locations, one of them the
house belonging to executive producer Fred Olen Ray. Reviewing a movie like this on the basis of its acting and story
seems to be missing the point, and if you're in the mood for fairly hot softcore sex scenes, then I must admit that Graver,
who also wrote and photographed the film, succeeded in that regard.
Real estate investor Steven (Law), in trouble with both loan shark
Johnny (Estrada) and his bitchy girlfriend Michelle (Vickers, who performs in hardcore films as Raven), is surprised to see
Angel (Gabrielle) show up on his doorstep one evening. Angel is the daughter of a woman Steven lived with many years
earlier. Even though he was never married to her mother, Angel, who is apparently supposed to be a teenager, but is
portrayed by an actress close to 30, insists on calling him "Daddy" while she sucks lollipops and talks to her dolls.
Michelle is livid to have an intruder in her home, and Steven isn't thrilled about having her around either, although neither
character tries very hard to get rid of her. Maybe that's because we know she's a nymphomaniac mental patient who stabbed
her mother to death, but they don't.
Graver builds up the running time to feature length with interminable
scenes set at Johnny's beachfront home where he conducts "business" while topless hotties cavort in the pool. None of
these scenes impact the plot very much, and exist solely to break up the many sex scenes between Law and Vickers, Gabrielle
and Vickers, and, briefly, Law and Gabrielle. It's surprising to see a guy in his 50's doing so much nudity, but maybe
Law enjoyed the chance to make out with some sexy silicone-enhanced women. Gabrielle is badly miscast; not only is she
too old for the part, but she doesn't have the range necessary to pull off Angel's mental and emotional anguish. She
is exceptional performing the requisite sex scenes, however, which is probably all Graver was looking for. Italian action-movie
star Richard Harrison also appears with John Coleman, Suzanne Ager, Gail Carradine, Fred Olen Ray and Hoke Howell. Music
by Chuck Cirino.
ANGEL OF DEATH (1986)—Directed by Andrea
Bianchi. Stars Chris Mitchum, Robert Foster, Howard Vernon. Bad movie with a terrible ending. Dr. Josef
Mengele (Vernon) is alive and well in Paraguay, where he continues his inhumane genetic experiments on unwitting subjects.
One is the result of crossbreeding between a woman and a chimpanzee. A Jew named Mark (Foster) wants revenge after his
girlfriend is murdered by one of Mengele’s men while the two of them are snooping around his castle. He joins
a small band of Nazi hunters that includes an acrobat, a karate expert, and a silent killer with a crossbow. Top-billed
Mitchum doesn’t do much as a crippled ‘Nam vet who joins the proposed Fourth Reich. Lotta squibs in this
movie, although I don’t think a bullet hitting dirt causes sparks the way it does here. Also with Fernando Rey,
Suzanne Andrews, Jack Taylor and Dora Doll. Also known as COMMANDO MENGELE.
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION (1994)-Directed by Charles
Philip Moore. Stars Maria Ford, Charlie Spradling, Jessica Mark, Jimmy Broome, Bob McFarland. Roger Corman manages
to remake two of his movies-ANGELFIST and BLACKBELT-at the same time. That both of those films were only about two years
old at the time seems not to have bothered him. Ford stars in this ripoff of THE BODYGUARD as stripper-turned-cop Jo
Alwood, who takes a job protecting rock star Delilah (Mark) from a freaky stalker (Broome) who confuses the sexy singer with
his mother, with whom he had an incestuous relationship. Meanwhile, Delilah's mobster backer (McFarland) wants her to
re-up her contract, and resorts to violence in an effort to force her. Jo signed on for one job and ends up fighting
two baddies simultaneously. What a coincidence.
Originally Spradling was signed to star in this New Horizons action
flick, but when she balked at performing the eagerly anticipated (by me anyway) naked kickboxing fight, Corman reportedly
dumped her, sent Ford over to Manila (filling in unconvincingly as Honolulu), and ordered Moore to rewrite the script to kill
off Charlie's character and introduce Ford as her sister. Some of the dialogue and camera setups are taken verbatim
from BLACKBELT. Of course, BLACKBELT, which starred Don "The Dragon" Wilson, didn't have the advantage of Maria Ford's
amazing naked kickboxing skills, as she bounces around a house wearing nothing but a G-string and rouge on her nipples and
beating the crap out of an army of trained hoods. And despite her character's determination to never strip again, this
professional law enforcer doesn't hesitate to step out onto a stage and perform an intricately choreographed striptease in
order to save the life of a hostage (how and why this happens aren't addressed in Moore's screenplay, but we know it's to
provide Ford with yet another nude scene).
Cirio H. Santiago, who directed Jeanne Bell's naked kickboxing in
TNT JACKSON, Cat Sassoon's in ANGELFIST and Jillian Kesner's in FIRECRACKER, served as producer. Also with Chanda, Antonio
Bacci and Chuck Moore. Paul Maslak, who received story credit on BLACKBELT, receives an identical credit here.
ANGEL OF FURY (1992)—Directed by Ackyl Anwary.
Stars Cynthia Rothrock, Peter O’Brien. Another crazy Indonesian action movie with the star of THE STABILIZER,
Peter O’Brien! And it’s written by trash-movie star Chris Mitchum (the leading man of LETHAL HUNTER)!
American martial arts star Rothrock is wasted in this ridiculous movie as a security expert hired to deliver a McGuffin to
her Jakarta client. To throw off potential thieves, she first ships the device in two decoy suitcases, both of which
are intercepted by goons working for villain O’Brien. So is the third suitcase, which is the real thing.
Meanwhile, her former lover, whom she believed to have died two years ago, just happens to pop up. Think there’s
a connection? Nothing in this muddled movie makes sense, and Imperial Entertainment’s strategy of cutting it down
to 70 minutes for its U.S. home video release doesn’t make it any more coherent. I’m not sure it matters.
Just sit back and enjoy the copious kung fu kicking, the bad acting, the terrible dubbing, and the insane filmmakers who somehow
managed to create something this ridiculous.
ANGEL UNCHAINED (1970)--Directed by Lee Madden.
Stars Don Stroud, Tyne Daly, Bill McKinney, Luke Askew. Biker Angel (Stroud) decides a life of rumbling, drinking and
whoring isn't for him, so he splits his gang and ends up in a commune, where he falls for hippie chick Merilee (Daly).
Trouble ensues when the peaceniks are hassled by the shotgun-wielding locals. For protection, Angel enlists his old
biker buddies, who start causing more trouble than the rednecks they're supposed to be fighting. A little tame by biker-flick
standards, but Stroud's performance is a good one, and Madden occasionally delivers the action in a straightforward manner.
Also with Larry Bishop and a droll turn by Aldo Ray. AIP released it.
ANGEL'S BRIGADE (1978)--Directed by Greydon
Clark. Stars Jack Palance, Peter Lawford and seven hot babes. This should probably be listed under ANGELS' BRIGADE,
but "ANGEL'S" is how it's titled onscreen. After her teenage brother is beaten up by drug dealers (and never seen or
referred to again), sexy rock star Michelle (former PLAYBOY Playmate Susan Kiger) and the brother's teacher (!) April, played
by Jacquelin Cole, recruit a crack squad of five beautiful specialists: stunt driver Terry (Sylvia Anderson), Vietnamese
martial arts expert Keiko (Kieu Chinh), model Maria (Noela Velasco), cop Elaine (Robin Greer) and Elaine's teen sister Trish
(Greer's real-life sister Liza). The team's first order of business is to buy a crappy used van and magically transform
it into a sophisticated battle cruiser, complete with a snazzy new paint job, rocket launchers and surveillance system (there's
no mention of how they manage to pay for it or even know how to build it). After some pretty laughable scenes of the
brigade's "training" and Elaine's perplexing confrontation with her no-nonsense boss (Neville Brand), the "angels" prepare
for their ultimate mission: the destruction of a major drug manufacturing compound run by urbane druglord Burke (Lawford)
and his tough right-hand man Mike Farrell (Palance).
If you're looking to see hot girls kicking ass, I guess you could
do a lot worse, but director Clark doesn't seem to have a grasp of what this movie needs. Although the women often appear
in form-fitting jumpsuits or bikinis, the PG-rated film contains no nudity, no profanity and little blood. In fact,
the low production values, bad music and familiar cast make it look much like a made-for-TV affair. Plus, Clark dilutes
any excitement the action scenes might contain by filling them with cartoon sound effects. The stupid script by Clark
and Alvin L. Fast is so full of plotholes, coincidences, clumsy pacing and inept comedy that you'll be reaching for a nearby
TV brick, and it's impossible to take any of these women seriously as trained soldiers or experts in any field.
None of the actresses are better than mediocre. Velasco and
Chinh possess the most spectacular bodies; Robin Greer delivers the best performance. As for the veterans in the cast,
only Brand (who probably only worked a day at most) and Palance avoid embarrassing themselves. Lawford appears to be
drunk in several scenes, while Pat Buttram (GREEN ACRES) and Jim Backus (GILLIGAN'S ISLAND) trot out some hackneyed comic
relief. Alan Hale (the "Skipper") pops up as Kiger's manager. Also with Darby Hinton (MALIBU EXPRESS), Arthur
Godfrey as himself (why?) and Clark. The excruciating disco-tinged score is by Gerald Lee. The cinematographer
was Dean Cundey, who had just done HALLOWEEN and ROLLER BOOGIE, and would shortly become one of Hollywood's A-list cameramen
(BACK TO THE FUTURE).
ANGELFIST (1993)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.
Stars Catya Sassoon, Melissa Moore, Michael Shaner, Sibel Birzak. Leave it to Roger Corman to stick with a formula that
works. Nearly 20 years after naked kickfighter Jeanne Bell sought revenge in the Philippines in TNT JACKSON and more
than a decade after Jillian Kesner did the same in FIRECRACKER, executive producer Corman and director Santiago trot out exotic
covergirl Sassoon in ANGELFIST, which also includes elements of BLOODFIST and BLOODSPORT. Once you've seen Cat's gleaming
wet body opening a can of naked whupass on a trio of Filipino ninjas, it's doubtful you'll ever forget it. Armed with
strangely masculine features, sofa-pillow lips and a pair of stand-up-straight breasts courtesy of one of Beverly Hills' finest
cosmetic surgeons, "world karate champion" (after seeing her in action, I think it's safe to assume that her title is typical
Corman bullstuff) Sassoon stands front and center in this cheapjack made-in-Manila melodrama.
Cat is Katana Lang, a tough Los Angeles detective first seen
storming a cheap motel to mow down some crooks who have just machine-gunned a bunch of cops outside. You'll be amazed
by how many Filipino cops and hoods there are in L.A. That night, she gets the word that her kickboxing sister Kristie
(Birzak), who was moonlighting as an undercover FBI agent, snapping photos of a fatal ninja attack upon a prominent American
politician, was slashed to death in her hotel room. Kristie was ostensibly in Manila to compete in an all-female martial-arts
tournament. When Kat arrives in Manila to investigate her sister's murder and is stonewalled by U.S. embassy officials,
she takes Kristie's place in the tournament, unreasonably (but correctly) assuming that the death must be somehow connected
to the tournament. She also shacks up with Alcatraz (Shaner), an annoyingly smug gambler who somehow manages to lure
Kat to his bachelor pad and his bed.
ANGELFIST is stupid and crudely made, but it certainly isn't
boring. Santiago certainly doesn't believe in shooting many takes (his attempt at using optical zooms to provide instant
coverage for a dialogue scene between Shaner and Sassoon is painful), but at least he stages plenty of fight scenes.
Sassoon's topless karate scene (in which it appears Kat must have been showering in her panties) is the highlight--how could
it not be?--but several other action scenes, usually involving the breakage of cheap wooden furniture, keep the pace moving.
And when women martial artists aren't bashing each other in the ring or Filipino ninjas leaping into battle with one of the
film's stars, Santiago alleviates the silly plot with plenty of gratuitous nudity, including three different shower scenes,
two of which feature statuesque blonde Moore as the kickboxing FBI agent sister's kickboxing FBI agent partner.
I don't know why Vic Diaz and Joe Mari Avellana weren't in
this film, but Santiago regular Ken Metcalfe, who also wrote both TNT JACKSON (with actor Dick Miller) and FIRECRACKER, is
as a U.S. ambassador. Also with Sheila Lintan as a stripper, Tony Carreon, Henry Strzalkowski and Joseph Zucchero.
Stephen Cohn gets music credit, but cues by Concorde/New Horizons honcho Mike Elliot and John Gonzalez are noted in the closing
crawl. Sassoon also appeared in two of Don "The Dragon" Wilson's BLOODFIST movies before apparently retiring from films.
She died of heart failure on New Year's Day 2002 at the age of 33. If you're a fan of naked kung fu, be sure to catch
Corman's fourth stab at it, ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION, with Maria Ford doing the panty-clad buttkicking.
ANGELS' BRIGADE--See ANGEL'S BRIGADE.
ANGELS DIE HARD! (1970)--Directed by
Richard Compton. Stars Tom Baker, Carl Steppling, Connie Nelson, Frank Leo. When a biker is killed after being released from
a small-town jail, his comrades make life difficult for Sheriff Steppling and Deputy Leo. Steppling is the film's villain
though; when he tries to murder Angel leader Baker, his own deputy kills him. Look for appearances by R.G. Armstrong and biker
movie king William Smith. From the director of MACON COUNTY LINE and several LONE GUNMEN episodes.
ANGELS IN DISGUISE (1949)—Directed
by Jean Yarbrough. Stars Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Gabriel Dell, Edward Ryan, Jean Dean, Bernard Gorcey, William Benedict, David
Gorcey, Bennie Bartlett. One of the grimmest openings of any Bowery Boys film finds Slip (Leo Gorcey) and Sach (Hall) lying
battered and bruised in a dingy alley. In flashback, Slip tells how he and the rest of the Boys go undercover to capture the
gangsters who shot and wounded their cop friend Gabe (Dell). Slip’s malapropisms and Sach’s lunacy provide most
of the humor, as usual, but ANGELS IN DISGUISE is as interested in crime drama as comedy. Whitey (Benedict), Butch (Bartlett),
and Chuck (David Gorcey) have more to do than they usually do in their guises as Slip’s mob, and Benedict even gets
a laugh line. Vargas model Dean as Vicki, moll of big boss Carver (Ryan), provides the glamour. Yarbrough and cinematographer
Marcel LePicard shot the surprisingly violent finale with care. Also with Mickey Knox, Joe Turkel, Pepe Hern, Richard Benedict,
Jane Adams, Rory Mallinson, and Tristram Coffin.
ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD (1994)--Directed by
William Dear. Stars Danny Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Too-sentimental Disney remake of a 1951 film about
a sad-sack major league baseball team, the favorite of cute orphan Gordon-Levitt, that surges to a pennant thanks to the divine
intervention of an angel named Al (Lloyd). It's actually very skillfully made; the script by Dorothy Kingsley, George Wells
and Holly Goldberg Sloan pushes every emotional button, and Glover is quite effective as the crusty team manager who befriends
the boy and eventually--against his better judgment--comes to believe in angels. Nice cast includes Ben Johnson, Brenda Fricker
and Tony Danza (who's pretty good here). From the director of HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS.
ANGELS' REVENGE--See ANGEL'S BRIGADE.
ANIMAL INSTINCTS (1992)--Directed by
Gregory Hippolyte. Stars Shannon Whirry, Maxwell Caulfield, John Saxon, David Carradine. Caulfield is an impotent cop who
videotapes his voluptuous wife having sex with other men (and women). Whirry's fake breasts are pretty impressive, and it's
another career low for Saxon, Carradine and Jan-Michael Vincent, who have small parts. Allegedly based on a true story! The
director makes porno movies as Greg Dark. Whirry was briefly in OUT FOR JUSTICE with Steven Seagal.
ANNA AND
THE KING (1999)--Directed by Andy Tennant. Stars Jodie Foster, Chow Yun-Fat, Bai Ling, Tom Felton, Keith Chin. The
true story of English schoolteacher Anna Leonowens, who became the personal tutor to the 58 children of Siam's King Mongkut
in the 19th century, has been dramatized many times: two motion pictures, a Rodgers and Hammerstein Broadway musical, an animated
feature, even a short-lived '70s TV sitcom (in which Yul Brynner reprised his 1956 film role as the King). The latest retelling,
which stars two-time Oscar winner Jodie Foster as Anna and Hong Kong action superstar Chow Yun-Fat as Mongkut, may not be
the definitive version of Leonowenss story, but it is lushly entertaining, and benefits strongly from its charismatic leads.
It's 1862, and recently widowed Anna and her young son Louis (Felton) have just arrived in Bangkok to begin her new
job teaching the King's oldest son, Prince Chulalongkom (Chin), the heir to the throne. Anna stands out in a culture in which
women are clearly subservient--seen but not heard. The King, at first stunned by her audacious manner--she dares to have opinions,
and even speaks them aloud--assigns her to instruct all of his offspring in Western language, literature and science. Anna
and King Mongkut are the classic Odd Couple, and their differences in attitude, class and culture ignite most of the films
sparks. There's also an insubstantial subplot involving the King's newest concubine, Tiptim (Bai), which could have been easily
excised, and a treacherous plan to overthrow the King, which leads to the movie's only major action set piece heading into
its third hour.
Foster, sporting a crisp British accent, is marvelous as usual, exuding independence, smarts and great
sensitivity in portraying a woman still haunted by her husband's death and nervous at the thought of falling in love again.
As for Chow Yun-Fat, this is the role that should finally transform him into a major American movie star. Best known for his
two-fisted performances in John Woo swatfests, his first two stabs at Hollywood stardom--THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS and THE CORRUPTOR--were
critical and box-office duds. This time around, Chow has chosen a part that seems tailor-made for him, one that allows him
to be both regal and romantic in a way that American audiences haven't seen before. It's a very impressive star turn, and
in a love story in which its protagonists barely even touch each other, the ability of the actors to express themselves internally
is essential.
Director Tennant, a veteran of television sitcoms, surely received the ANNA AND THE KING reins based
upon EVER AFTER, last year's revamping of the Cinderella legend (starring Drew Barrymore) that was a surprise hit. He touches
all the bases here, not only drawing strong performances from his leads, but from the many Asian and child (and presumably
English-impaired) actors as well. He was also smart enough to hire the great Caleb Deschanel (THE NATURAL) as his cinematographer,
who, along with production designer Luciana Arrighi (SENSE AND SENSIBILITY), has created a succulent atmosphere on its authentic
Malaysian (substituting for Thailand) locations. Tennant and editor Roger Bondelli should have spent more time in the editing
bay however, since the film is unable to justify its 147-minute running time. George Fenton's (THE FISHER KING) score is one
of his best, wisely eschewing clichd Oriental sounds for a richer musical palette with specific leitmotifs for the main characters.
The screenplay by Peter Krikes and Steve Meerson is fine, perhaps surprisingly so, since nothing on their resumes, including
the intentionally campy Frankie Avalon-Annette Funicello reunion BACK TO THE BEACH and the first drafts of STAR TREK IV: THE
VOYAGE HOME (which were heavily rewritten by other scribes), would seem to indicate that a big-budget romantic epic is the
type of film for which theyre suited. Also with Randall Duk Kim, Kay Siu Lim, Melissa Campbell and Syed Alwi.
THE
ANNIHILATORS (1985)--Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr. Stars Christopher Stone, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Gerrit
Graham, Andy Wood, Dennis Redfield, Paul Koslo. A crippled Vietnam vet (Redfield) is riddled in his urban Atlanta store
by a gang led by Roy Boy Jagger (Koslo) that has been terrorizing the neighborhood, assaulting, robbing, raping and murdering
with impunity. The other four members of his former squad reassemble to get back at Roy Boy's goons and clean up the
neighborhood. They do so by training the local shopkeepers and citizens in self-defense and by getting into frequent
gun battles with the gang members. While Sellier delivers plenty of action, it's directed without much energy or sense,
and THE ANNIHILATORS lacks the proper edge or sleaze factor to really sell this one to action fans. Also with Jim Antonio,
Becky Harris and John Lawhorn. New World released it.
ANOTHER 48 HOURS (1990)--Directed by
Walter Hill. Stars Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte, Brion James, Ed O'Ross. For two years, San Francisco cop Nolte has been obsessed
with catching the mysterious "Iceman", the biggest drug dealer in the city. He re-teams with old friend and newly released
ex-con Murphy to find him. The "Iceman" turns out to be Nolte's police buddy James. Sure. Like a millionaire drug runner would
still be keeping his job on the police force with its long hours and low pay. Any movie with Brion James is probably worth
seeing, but this sequel is a bit short on laughs and overly generous with scenes of bullets and people shattering glass windows,
tables, etc. Watch the original film again instead. Features Tisha Campbell, Bernie Casey, Andrew Divoff, Page Leong and Kevin
Tighe (EMERGENCY!). Music by James Horner.
ANOTHER STAKEOUT (1993)—Directed by John
Badham. Stars Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez, Rosie O’Donnell, Cathy Moriarty, Dennis Farina, Marcia Strassman.
Badham goes for more comedy and less action in this PG-13 sequel to the successful R-rated 1987 film. Unfortunately,
he also adds O’Donnell, which is never a good thing. As assistant DA Gina, she accompanies Seattle cops Chris
(Dreyfuss) and Bill (Estevez) to a vacation community, where they pose as a family (Bill reluctantly shaves his mustache to
look younger) to stake out their neighbors, Brian (Farina) and Pam (Strassman) O’Hara, in case an in-the-wind government
witness (Moriarty) shows up. The leads have such sharp chemistry that almost anything they did together would have some
laughs, and though Dreyfuss and Estevez’s silliness threatens to overwhelm the plot, it doesn’t quite, and Badham
even manages to put Bill in life-threatening danger that counterbalances Chris and Gina’s farcical dinner party going
on simultaneously. ANOTHER is a forgettable sequel that’s worth a look at least. Also with Miguel Ferrer,
John Rubenstein, Dan Lauria and Madeleine Stowe.
ANTIBODY (2003)--Directed by Christian McIntire.
Stars Lance Henriksen, Robin Givens, Julian Vergov. Ready for a very-low-budget direct-to-video steal of FANTASTIC VOYAGE.
Henriksen plays a welcome lead as Dr. (what he's a doctor of and why it's necessary for his character to be one is never explained)
Richard Gaines, an FBI bomb squad expert who is drummed out of the agency after he takes an unfair hit for a fatal explosion
at the Russian embassy in Washington, D.C. A year later (to the day--seemingly a plot point, but one that leads nowhere),
he's back on his feet in Munich as the head of his own private security agency. While guarding a convention of computer
experts, another terrorist, Moran (Vergov), walks in and takes hostages, claiming to have a nuclear bomb hidden somewhere
in Munich capable of wiping out 2 1/2 million people. The catch is that the detonator is hidden inside his body.
It operates on the electrical current projected from a living organism, and if Moran is killed, the bomb will go off.
Naturally, he is shot by one of Gaines' men, and taken to a secret laboratory experimenting with nanotechnology. The
only way to prevent Munich's destruction is to miniaturize a submarine and crew, including Gaines, and travel through the
comatose Moran's bloodstream in search of the detonator, so that Gaines can hopefully defuse it. The odds of finding
something like that while shrunk to microscopic size ("Fifty of us would fit on the head of a pin.") would seem insurmountable,
but what choice do they have? With icy Dr. Rachel Saverini (Givens) at the controls, the sub plows through the heart
on its way to...well, out there...dodging deadly white corpuscles, creepy bug monsters and even creepier flirting between
Lance and Robin.
ANTIBODY debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel before receiving a
home video release, tagged with an undeserving R rating. Micheal (sic) Baldwin's screenplay is strictly paint-by-numbers,
making sure it contains all the prerequisites of a cheap SF movie: the disgraced hero, the all-business female commander,
a submarine that shoots lasers using video game controllers, a non-descript Euro-baddie, climax on top of climax on top of
climax, none of them particularly exciting or interesting. ANTIBODY isn't a bad movie, so much as a wasteful one and
one terribly reliant on visual effects its meager budget can't cover. The acting, for the most part, is passable for
this kind of movie, but nondescript (except for Given's blue eye shadow). Henriksen is wonderful, though, and easily
the best characteristic of ANTIBODY. He's looser than usual in the role of the disbelieving and slightly skeptical outsider
through whose eyes we witness this scientific marvel. Considering the 24-year age difference between Givens and him,
I doubt the script was penned with Henriksen in mind, and although the romantic subplot is not terribly believable (it wouldn't
be no matter who was cast), he does a terrific job juggling the heroic, comedic and dramatic aspects of the part.
ANTIBODY was filmed in Bulgaria, which explains why most of
the characters--including the Latin ones--speak with Eastern European accents. Seeing Bulgaria sit in for Washington,
D.C. is an unintentionally funny highlight. Also with Gaston Pauls, Teodoro Ivanova, Stella Ivanova (as Henriksen's
half-Bulgarian daughter), Velizer Binev, Kathleen Lambert and William Zabka (THE KARATE KID). Music by Scott Clausen.
McIntire, who also handled editing chores and plays a small acting role, worked with producer Philip Roth on several other
DTV features, including FALCON DOWN and DRAGON FIGHTER. Henriksen has appeared in more than twenty films in the 21st
century, including the third PROPHECY, second MIMIC and seventh HELLRAISER sequels.
ANTS! (1977)—Directed by Robert Scheerer.
Stars Robert Foxworth, Lynda Day George, Gerald Gordon, Myrna Loy, Suzanne Somers, Barry Van Dyke, Bernie Casey, Karen Lamm.
Alan Landsburg produced this Irwin Allen-style disaster movie, TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO and THE SAVAGE BEES within about
a year. A quaint lakeside hotel is invaded by a horde of hungry ants, which have adapted to years of pesticides and
insecticides and become impervious to normal means of extinguishment. Among the potential victims are construction workers
Foxworth and Casey, hotel owner Loy and her daughter George, greedy developer Gordon and his mistress Somers, hunky lifeguard
Van Dyke and loose hitchhiker Lamm. You pretty much know how this will play out, although the surprisingly quiet climax
is an unusual touch. Brian Dennehy scores as the fire chief. Also with Anita Gillette, Steve Franken, Rene Enriquez
(HILL STREET BLUES) and Moosie Drier. Writer Guerdon Trueblood penned not only THE SAVAGE BEES, but also its sequel
(!) TERROR OUT OF THE SKY. Also known as IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR.
ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980)--Directed by
Buddy Van Horn. Stars Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Geoffrey Lewis, Ruth Gordon, William Smith, Harry Guardino. Sequel to
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE finds the whole gang--tough mechanic Eastwood, girlfriend Locke, dimwitted sidekick Lewis, senile
mother Gordon, and Clyde the orangutan--in Wyoming, where Clint is forced to battle tough guy Smith in a no-holds-barred bare-knuckles
brawl. After Smith breaks Clint's arm, Eastwood refuses to quit and wins the fight with one arm! You'll find yourself smiling,
even though you won't know why. Director Van Horn frequently serves as stunt coordinator on Eastwood movies. I saw this on
an airplane on the way to Amsterdam.
ANYTHING ELSE (2003)--Directed by Woody Allen.
Stars Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci, Woody Allen. ANYTHING ELSE is the latest feature film from director Woody Allen,
his 35th. I tell you this as a courtesy, because if you've only heard of this movie through its trailers, you could
very well be unaware of Allen's involvement. ANYTHING ELSE is the auteur's fourth film for DreamWorks, which seems determined
to sucker young audiences into seeing a light romantic comedy starring twentysomethings Jason Biggs (AMERICAN PIE) and Christina
Ricci (SLEEPY HOLLOW). Allen, who also has a major supporting role, is barely referenced in most of the marketing, including
the poster, which states "Written and Directed by Woody Allen" only in tiny print at the very bottom. I can't say that
I understand DreamWorks' strategy. By de-emphasizing Allen in the trailers, it keeps his loyal fanbase away from the
movie, simply because they don't know that it's A Woody Allen Film. But when the "teen multiplex" audience DreamWorks is obviously
seeking gets into the theater and realizes in the first few minutes they've been suckered into seeing something other than
what the advertising promises, they'll likely be left frustrated and unlikely to spread positive word-of-mouth. So you have
a marketing campaign that serves no one.
I guess it falls to me to reveal that, indeed, ANYTHING ELSE
is written and directed by Woody Allen. Now, is it any good? The answer is yes. Kind of, although it might
be more interesting as a peek into the Woodman's psyche and his views on women, which appear to be a tad on the grumpy side.
Jerry Falk (Biggs) is a young comedy writer involved in a high-maintenance relationship with Amanda (Ricci), an aspiring actress
on the neurotic side. That's a bit of an understatement. Amanda is a psychiatrist's dream--flaky, insecure, afraid
of commitment, unable to sleep without taking pills, uninterested in sex--a conglomeration of every crazy girlfriend you've
ever had. But Jerry, the big lug, loves her anyway, probably because he has a few emotional foibles of his own and finds
her uncultivated spontaneity uncommonly stimulating. He regularly visits a shrink, but finds a more useful muse in his
friend David Dobel (Allen), a 60-year-old schoolteacher and fellow comedy writer who uses words like "hebetudinous" and regularly
pontificates on everything from women and masturbation habits to quantum physics and the Holocaust.
As we know, Allen is something of an expert on the subject
of eccentric lovers, and he has created a real beaut in Amanda. Jerry and Amanda are clearly stand-ins for Woody and
Diane Keaton (his former real-life companion and Oscar-winning co-star in ANNIE HALL), and ANYTHING ELSE, more than anything
else, illustrates what unique screen talents they are. Neither Biggs nor Ricci are up to the task of "playing"
Allen and Keaton, but it was wrong to ask them to. Allen's stagy dialogue sounds wonderful coming out of his mouth,
as Dobel tells jokes, waxes profoundly on the wisdom buried inside Henny Youngman one-liners, and explains why Jerry needs
a Russian rifle in his apartment for protection, but a little stiff as spoken by his younger castmates, who aren't yet capable
of projecting the screen maturity necessary to make it work. Without that extra flash, the film grinds to a halt during
their frequent domestic spats, only building up steam when Allen is center stage. Maybe it's because he isn't feeling
the pressure of playing the lead, but Woody feels like he's going for broke in his performance, channeling violent pangs of
angry frustration that we have rarely seen in him before. It's probably how he felt when he learned DreamWorks' plan
to market his quietly intelligent film to the DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR? crowd. Cinematographer Darius Khondji (SE7EN) confidently
captures Central Park's autumn backdrop, making ANYTHING ELSE one of Allen's best-looking recent pictures. Also with
Stockard Channing, Danny DeVito, Diana Krall, Fisher Stevens, Jimmy Fallon, KaDee Strickland, Carson Grant and Erica Leerhsen.
THE APE (1940)--Directed by William Nigh.
Stars Boris Karloff, Maris Wrixon, Gene O'Donnell. Perhaps the most foolish film of Karloff's distinguished career, Dear Boris
plays a kindly mad scientist who, in attempting to cure a pretty polio victim, murders people while disguised as an ape (!)
and steals their spinal fluid for use in his experimental serum. Karloff had signed a short-term contract with poverty-row
Monogram, and burned off his commitment with this 62-minute "horror".
APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)--Directed
by Francis Ford Coppola. Stars Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, and Marlon Brando. Depending upon who you talk to, it's either
one of the most brilliant or one of the most pretentious films ever made. I find it to be engrossing until the arrival of
Brando in the final half-hour. It seems like even Coppola, who reportedly shot several endings, had no idea how to end the
film. Plot is taken from Joseph Conrad's novel HEARTS OF DARKNESS, and stars Sheen as a U.S. government agent assigned to
hunt down and assassinate renegade soldier Brando, who has appointed himself the godlike leader of a group of North Vietnamese
natives. Along the way, Sheen finds himself experiencing the madness called the Vietnam War. Duvall is unforgettable in his
scene as the crazed American colonel who "loves the smell of napalm in the morning." Look for Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper,
Scott Glenn, G.D. Spradlin and 15-year-old Larry Fishburne in small roles. Vittorio Storaro won a Best Cinematography Oscar.
Production design by Dean Tavoularis. Also see HEARTS OF DARKNESS, Eleanor Coppola's (Francis Ford's wife) excellent documentary
on the trouble-filled making of APOCALYPSE NOW.
APPALOOSA (2008)—Directed by Ed Harris.
Stars Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons, Lance Henriksen. Old-fashioned western with a story
so old, GUNSMOKE probably did it nine times, but it’s at least told well by Harris, directing his second film after
POLLOCK. Professional gunfighters Harris and Mortensen hire themselves out as lawmen in Appaloosa, where evil rancher
Irons murdered the previous sheriff. A little bit of RIO BRAVO and a little bit of 3:10 TO YUMA in this oater based
on a Robert B. Parker novel, in which Irons’ gang attempts to spring their boss, first from Harris’ jail, then
from the train transporting him to prison. Zellweger’s role is mostly thankless, the sweet widow who wins loner
Harris’ heart and then becomes his lone vulnerability. Cinematography by Dean Semler, who also shot DANCES WITH
WOLVES, and Henriksen’s enjoyable turn as a rival gunman who runs afoul of Harris and Mortensen add sparks to APPALOOSA,
which would have looked rote forty years ago, but is refreshingly entertaining when few westerns are being made. Harris
also wrote the screenplay with actor Robert Knott. Harris seems loyal to his cast; he and Mortensen did A HISTORY OF
VIOLENCE together, and he and Henriksen were astronauts together in THE RIGHT STUFF more than twenty years earlier.
Music by Jeff Beal.
THE APPLE (1980)--Directed by Menahem Golan.
Stars George Gilmour, Catherine Mary Stewart, Vladek Sheybal, Alan Love, Grace Kennedy. Ever wondered what a futuristic
rock musical made by the taste-challenged director of THE DELTA FORCE would look like? Golan, who had purchased the
Cannon Group in 1979 along with his cousin Yoram Globus, wrote and directed this notorious misfire, which hit theaters the
same year as XANADU and CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. Set in 1994, THE APPLE is a hamfisted allegory about young lovers Alphie
(Gilmour) and Bibi (Stewart), a pair of soft-rock musicians who are recruited by devilish rock impresario Boogalow (Sheybal)
for his record label. Alphie sees through Boogalow's demonic allure and walks away, but Bibi sells her soul, receiving
fame, fortune and glory in return.
I shouldn't be surprised, but quite a cult has formed around
THE APPLE in recent years. Don't be fooled--THE APPLE is terrible in every conceivable manner in which a film could
be terrible. It's one of the ugliest films I've ever seen, awash with putrid costuming, garish makeup (face-painting
being all the rage in 1994) and cheap sets. The dialogue penned by Golan is laughable, as are the performances.
Most importantly, the songs--the be-all and end-all in every movie musical--are among the most insipid ever performed on the
big screen, a mixture of pop, disco, rap and even reggae tossed into the mix. Composer George S. Clinton later redeemed
himself with good scores for later Cannon features and bringing a sly wit to his AUSTIN POWERS soundtracks, but fellow songwriters
Coby and Iris Recht appears to have thankfully vanished from film music in the years since THE APPLE. Filmed in West
Germany. Cannon later produced other music-oriented films, such as RAPPIN' and the BREAKIN' series, but no more full-fledged
musicals in which the characters spontaneously burst into song. Golan's next as a director was the very successful ENTER
THE NINJA.
THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG (1975)--Directed by
Norman Tokar. Stars Bill Bixby, Susan Clark, Don Knotts, Tim Conway. Okay Walt Disney comedy about an Old West gambler (Bixby)
who becomes the guardian of three children. Knotts and Conway steal the movie as a pair of bumbling bank robbers.
THE
APPLE DUMPLING GANG RIDES AGAIN (1979)--Directed by Vincent McEveety. Stars Tim Conway, Don Knotts, Tim Matheson,
Kenneth Mars. Bumbling outlaws Conway and Knotts try to go straight, but are framed for a robbery and are chased by sheriff
Mars. Routine Walt Disney comedy set in the Old West.
APRIL FOOL'S DAY (1986)--Directed by Fred Walton.
Stars Deborah Foreman, Griffin O'Neal, Amy Steel. A rich teenager named Muffy (Foreman) throws a weekend party for her friends
on a remote island. The party stops being fun when the teens start getting killed off one by one. The title gives away the
(frustrating) twist ending. Not bad variation on the teen-slasher genre. From the director of WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. Written
by Danilo Bach, who also worked on the Oscar-nominated script of BEVERLY HILLS COP. Also with Clayton Rohner (G vs E), Deborah
Goodrich and Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the BACK TO THE FUTURE movies).
ARACHNID (2001)—Directed by Jack Sholder.
Stars Chris Potter, Alex Reid, Jose Sancho. Producer Brian Yuzna’s (REANIMATOR) Spanish company Fantastic Factory
lensed this killer-spider movie in Mexico. As these things go, it isn’t too bad. A mixed group of scientists
and soldiers crash their plane on a South Pacific island filled with giant spiders, which have been mutated through contact
with a dying alien race. Or something like that. The opening, with a U.S. Air Force pilot crashing there and apparently
contacting a flying saucer, is confusing and hardly seems worth the effort. It’s a deserted island populated by
giant killer spiders; why stir the pot? The low-budget effects are quite good—a combination of CGI and life-size
animatronics. The actors (many of whom are dubbed) are capable, led by former TV star Potter (KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES),
and Mark Sevi’s screenplay doesn’t contain the leaps of logic and the unlikable characters that often populate
the genre. Also give credit to director Sholder, a capable action director clearly slumming for Fantastic Factory.
ARACHNOPHOBIA
(1990)--Directed by Frank Marshall. Stars Jeff Daniels, Harley Jane Kozak, John Goodman, Julian Sands. Good old-fashioned
monster movie about a lethal spider that makes its way from a South American jungle to a California barn belonging to Daniels
and Kozak and starts breeding. No gore, but lots of thrills in the Spielberg mode. Goodman is great as a gung-ho bug exterminator.
The title means "fear of spiders". You may come down with it after viewing this. Also features Stuart Pankin, Henry Jones
and Mark L. Taylor. Screenplay by Don Jakoby and Wesley Strick. Music by Trevor Jones.
ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? (1978)—Directed
by Walter Grauman. Stars Kathleen Beller, Tony Bill, Blythe Danner, Scott Colomby. Despite the title, this made-for-TV
feature isn’t a horror movie. I’m not sure what it’s trying to be; it’s neither a thriller nor
a procedural, and despite its subject matter, doesn’t have much to say about the subject of rape. The performances
are good, but what’s the point Grauman and writer Judith Parker are trying to make? Perhaps Richard Peck’s
novel, from which this CBS movie was adapted, can answer that question. High-school student Gail (Beller with hair to
her waist) is raped during the opening titles. The next hour is a flashback showing Gail’s life at school and
her relationships with her parents (Danner, Bill) and new boyfriend Steve (Colomby). It also establishes a number of
red herrings. When we discover the rapist’s identity, the film shifts gears and becomes a superficial examination
of Gail and her family coming to grips with her attack and the fact that her attacker is known to her. It all wraps
up (too) quickly and leaves some important questions unanswered. Grauman’s nimble visual style and Beller’s
porcelain performance make the movie not a total loss. Also with Alan Fudge, Tricia O’Neil, Ellen Travolta, Robin
Mattson and Dennis Quaid, one year before BREAKING AWAY.
THE ARENA (1973)--Directed by Steve Carver.
Stars Margaret Markov, Pam Grier, Paul Muller. "Do you mean we have to satisfy their animal heat?" Girlfights,
nudity, revolt, racism, shower scenes, whippings, betrayal--sounds like another of New World's classic women-in-prison vehicles,
doesn't it? And that's really what THE ARENA is, a sleazy and violent WIP set amid the squalor and slavery of ancient
Rome. The stars of BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA, Pam Grier and Margaret Markov, reunite as Mamawi and Bodicia, slave girls
forced to serve the decadent Roman upper-class during violent gladiator matches to the death. While the rulers wring
their hands at the games' dwindling box office, corpulent Lucilius (Muller) hits upon the idea of female gladiators, enlisting
the sexy slaves for armed fights to the death in the arena. If you've seen enough 1970's drive-in movies about beautiful
female prisoners pushed to the limit by a cruel environment, you know a bloody revolt is in order. Various body parts
fly as these sensual sword-slingers carve a gory swath to freedom, led by black mama Grier and white mama Markov.
THE ARENA should be better than it is, considering the cult names
perched behind the camera. Director Steve Carver also made BIG BAD MAMA and CAPONE for New World before launching a
career in directing major studio exploitation like DRUM (also with Grier) and the incredible LONE WOLF MCQUADE. Future
PIRANHA director Joe Dante edited the picture with Italians Francesco de Masi and Aristide Massacceni (also known to American
audiences as "Joe D'Amato") hired to compose and photograph it, respectively. There's more action than talk, a good
thing considering the execrable dialogue penned by John and Joyce Corrington (THE OMEGA MAN), and Carver nicely serves up
a few helpings of wet and oily female nudity (including both leads) to complement the gore. However, THE ARENA contains
little, besides the Roman angle, you haven't seen done better before, and New Horizon/Concorde's DVD presents Massacceni's
widescreen cinematography in a cropped 1.33:1 format that chops the battle scenes almost in half. Also with LADY FRANKENSTEIN's
Rosalba Neri (as "Sara Bay"), Lucretia Love, Marie Louise, Sid Lawrence as a swishy gay stereotype and Daniele Vargas.
Filmed in Italy. Executive producer Corman's old HOUSE OF USHER star Mark Damon was the producer. THE ARENA was
released on home video as NAKED WARRIORS and was remade in 2001 with PLAYBOY Playmate Karen McDougal and the Corringtons'
original screenplay.
ARENA (1991)--Directed by Peter Manoogian.
Stars Paul Satterfield, Claudia Christian, Hamilton Camp. Empire sat on this one for three years before releasing it.
It's a juvenile PG-13 SF movie about as edgy as MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. Hunky Steve Armstrong (Satterfield) enters
an intergalactic fighting competition in which no human has ever won. This gives John Carl Buechler an opportunity to
build a bunch of rubber-suited monsters, but Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo's (TRANCERS) screenplay isn't very involving and
neither are the fight scenes. Christian manages some energy as Satterfield's Burgess Meredith, but Shari Shattuck provides
the eye candy in a non-nude sex scene. Also with Marc Alaimo, Armin Shimerman and Jack Carter. Music by Richard
Band. From the director of ELIMINATORS.
THE ARISTOCRATS (2005)--Directed by Paul Provenza.
Stars Robin Williams, George Carlin and practically every standup comic alive. THE ARISTOCRATS is the most foul, profane
film I've seen in a long time. Maybe ever. It's also blisteringly funny and, yes, even educational as an insider's look at
how comedy works and how comedians think. Unlike the good COMEDIAN, which examined how comics like Jerry Seinfeld prepare
for their standup act, THE ARISTOCRATS takes a look at one joke from the perspective of dozens of the finest comic minds in
the world (Albert Brooks, Seinfeld, Bill Cosby, and Robert Klein are notably absent).
The joke is legendary among comedians, who rarely if ever tell the
joke onstage as part of their act. Rather, they use it to entertain each other as a sort of folk tale that passes along from
generation to generation. Kind of like the Uncle Remus of jokes. As is mentioned in the documentary, the art of the joke comes
from "the singer, not the song". It's structured like a piece of jazz, to be riffed and improvised to the artist's content.
All the comedian needs to do is begin and end the joke the same way. It's the filling that's the point.
The joke begins more or less with, "A man walks into a talent agent's
office." He tells the agent he has an act. The agent says, "OK, you've got two minutes. Show me what you've got." The punchline--eventually--is
the agent asking the name of the act, and the man answering, "The Aristocrats." In between these bookends, the joke teller
embarks on a pathological, scatological litany of grossness intended to make the audience's ears bleed. No bodily fluid, no
taboo, no sexual act, no vocabulary is verboten. The point is to describe the most tasteless, bizarre, disturbing act possible,
usually involving shitting, pissing, bestiality, incest, you name it.
Director Paul Provenza and co-producer Penn Jillette, well-known
comics themselves, took their cameras all over the country, recording famous comedians of all ages telling the joke, relating
when they first heard it and who told it to them, and their philosophy behind its humor. Some just tell it straight out. Some,
like Larry Storch (F TROOP) and Hank Azaria, use funny accents. Kevin Pollak does it with a Christopher Walken impression
(the DVD extras include a clip of him doing it as Albert Brooks, which might be the most fucking brilliant piece of video
on the entire disc). Sarah Silverman tells it as if she were one of the Aristocrats and claims she was raped as a little girl
by talk-show host Joe Franklin. Richard Lewis says the joke is "a piece of shit." Chris Rock not only doesn't tell it, he
doesn't appear to see the point of it. It sounds strange coming from the softspoken Rita Rudner. One highlight is Tommy Smothers
telling it to his brother Dick, who amazingly has never before heard it and doesn't think it's funny. Martin Mull tells a
different joke using "Aristocrats" as a punchline, which I appreciated because I recognized it as the "Bongo Bongo" joke that
I heard back in the 1970's and have never heard anyone else besides me tell in the decades since.
Some of the bigger names pissing, shitting and fucking all over
this joke in the film are Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, George Carlin, Drew Carey, Paul Reiser (extremely funny), Jason
Alexander and Don Rickles. It was fun seeing older comics like Phyllis Diller, Chuck McCann (also really funny), Rip Taylor,
Eric Idle, David Brenner, and Shelley Berman going at it. Also appearing: Bill Maher, Allan Havey, David Steinberg, Michael
McKean, Harry Shearer, Fred Willard, Dom Irrera, Larry Miller, David Steinberg...pretty much anyone who's done standup on
THE TONIGHT SHOW anytime within the last thirty years.
The biggest laughs are reserved for Bob Saget (who did a similarly
sick and hilarious guest shot on ENTOURAGE recently), whose inventively sick rendition would make the heads of his FULL HOUSE
fans explode, and Gilbert Gottfried, who told it a couple of weeks after September 11, 2001 at a Friars Club roast and brought
the audience to its knees with laughter.
THE ARISTOCRATS is dedicated to Johnny Carson, who reportedly loved
the joke and was a friend of sorts to nearly everyone in the picture. Dana Gould tells the joke with a funny Carson impression
that feels appropriate. The movie was released unrated--it certainly would have gotten an NC-17 from the MPAA--and it
isn't for prudes. It is essential for students of comedy and for those who aren't afraid of bad taste.
ARIZONA COLT RETURNS (1967)—Directed by Sergio
Martino. Stars Anthony Steffen, Aldo Sambrell, Rosalba Neri, Marcella Michelangeli, Roberto Camardiel. Steffen takes over
for Giuliano Gemma in this spaghetti sequel to 1966’s ARIZONA COLT. Bruno Nicolai’s goofy theme song tries to
set the tone for this oater that’s as evocative of the light-hearted Terence Hill/Bud Spencer westerns that followed
as grittier movies like DJANGO. With $1000 on his head, Arizona Colt rides into town with his comic sidekick Double Whiskey
(Camardiel) to clear his name and find out who framed him for a stagecoach robbery. He demonstrates his exceptional gunfighting
skills early on when he fires a bullet into the barrel of an opponent’s six-shooter and kills several other men who
are completely hiding from his view. Both Steffen and Martino made good movies, but this is too tame and clichéd to be one
of them. It has moments of wit (a bit involving a scale during the final shootout is cute), however, and Sambrell plays a
very hateful villain. Less stylish and violent than the genre’s best, ARIZONA COLT can be safely missed, unless you’re
a completist.
ARIZONA HEAT (1988)--Directed by John G.
Thomas. Stars Michael Parks, Denise Crosby. A butch lesbian teams up with a tough-talking cop in the Arizona desert to track
a serial killer. Low budget. Parks is always fascinating to watch. Denise, who played a similar role during the first season
of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, has a brief topless scene.
ARLINGTON ROAD (1999)--Directed by Mark Pellington.
Stars Jeff Bridges, Tim Robbins, Joan Cusack, Hope Davis. So long as you don't think too much about the implausibilities
in Ehren Kruger's (SCREAM 3) screenplay, ARLINGTON ROAD is an effectively paranoid and quite suspenseful thriller that might
have suffered at the box office from an ineffective marketing campaign. Michael Faraday (Bridges), a George Washington
University professor teaching a course in Terrorism in America, strikes up a friendship with the normal suburban couple next
door, Oliver (Robbins) and Cheryl (Cusack) Lang. Their sons are the same age, a major commonality in their relationship,
and Michael could use the companionship--he's also rebounding from the death of his FBI agent wife a couple of years earlier
by dating his graduate assistant Brooke (Davis). The Langs seem too good to be true. And maybe they are, since
Michael soon has reason to believe the couple may be terrorists themselves. I won't say much more about Kruger's story
except that, as helmed by Pellington (THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES) and driven by the always believable Bridges, it contains several
points and twists that will indeed surprise and even stun you, even as it pulls you to the edge of your seat. Pellington's
second feature suffers from slight pacing problems in the middle, but ace technical credits and an effectively creepy score
by Angelo Badalamenti and tomandandy keep it from flagging much. Also with Robert Gossett, Mason Gamble, Sid Hillman,
Spencer Clark and Stanley Anderson. Houston does a nice job filling in for Washington, D.C., although Pellington did
shoot a few scenes in the capital.
ARMAGEDDON (1998)--Directed by Michael Bay.
Stars Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck. THE DIRTY DOZEN meets METEOR. Except both those movies (yes,
even the huge disaster-movie flop starring Sean Connery) are more worthy of your time than this overlong, overloud and overly
pretentious dud. It takes Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer 150 minutes to tell the story of a runaway asteroid on a collision
course for Earth and the maverick band of dirty oil riggers NASA hires to stop it. With all the faculties at the government's
disposal, the only way to stop Earth's destruction is to take some oil riggers into space on a shuttle, land on the asteroid,
drill into the surface, and plant a nuclear device to explode it into smithereens. Which might be a fun (if implausible) 90-minute
adventure. Instead, we get a number of dull subplots, underdeveloped characters and poorly directed action scenes that seem
plopped in at intervals designed to wake up the short-attention-span set. Bruce plays Bruce (again), Thornton is actually
very good as the frustrated NASA chief, but Tyler's character--the daughter of a jealous Willis and fianc of Affleck--really
should have been cut out of the movie. She seems to be there only to fool trailer watchers into thinking this was another
TITANIC. Steve Buscemi has some funny lines as the perpetually horny Rockhound, but most of the rest of the cast seems interchangeable,
and Trevor Rabin's repetitive score will rot your nerves. Also with Peter Stormare, and look for Shawnee Smith, Udo Kier,
Christian Clemenson and director Bay in small bits.
ARMED AND DANGEROUS (1986)--Directed by Mark
L. Lester. Stars John Candy, Eugene Levy, Robert Loggia, Kenneth McMillan. Lester, whose background was in drive-in
fare like TRUCK STOP WOMEN and CLASS OF '84, seems like an odd choice to direct a slapstick comedy starring two SCTV actors.
I like to describe ARMED AND DANGEROUS as one of those middling '80s comedies that everyone has seen, yet no one remembers.
It's certainly an amiable time while you're watching, but it tends not to stick around in your brain very long.
Frank Dooley (Candy), an ex-cop who was bounced from the force
for a crime he didn't commit, takes a job at a security firm owned by crusty Captain O'Connell (McMillan), where he is partnered
with meek lawyer Norman Kane (Levy, in a role reportedly planned for Candy's SPLASH co-star Tom Hanks). Their first
night on the job has them guarding a warehouse, which is hijacked by a pair of masked, machine-gun-toting thugs. O'Connell
and union boss Michael Carlino (Loggia) blame Frank and Norm for letting the bad guys get away, spurring Dooley and his reluctant
partner to solve the mystery, which isn't much of one for the audience.
While it's nice to see Dr. Tongue and Bruno working together
on the big screen, there's little in ARMED to recommend it except an easy-going 90 minutes. Lester stages a few decent
changes and the chemistry between Levy and Candy is fun. Steve Railsback provides an oddly comic cameo as a truck driver,
and Meg Ryan is cute as a button playing Levy's love interest. Also with Don Stroud, Brion James, Jonathan Banks, Larry
Hankin, Judy Landers, Bruce Kirby, James Tolkan, Tiny Lister, David Hess, Nicholas Worth and K.C. Winkler. Music by
James diPasquale. Should be funnier, considering the heavyweights who wrote it: Harold Ramis, Peter Torokvei, James
Keach and Brian Grazer.
ARMED RESPONSE (1986)—Directed by Fred Olen
Ray. Stars David Carradine, Lee Van Cleef, Mako, Brent Huff. One of Ray’s earliest films is this lifeless
action thriller with a good cast. Bar owner Carradine, his private-investigator brother Huff, and their ex-cop dad Van
Cleef go into revenge mode when a third son is murdered by Mako’s minions, who are looking for an antique statue.
The jade is just the McGuffin that keeps all the characters running around frantically. The story and performances aren’t
much to get excited about, but Mako has some good scenes, and it’s fun to see Dick Miller, Laurene Landon, Michael Berryman,
Ross Hagen, Burr DeBenning, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and a topless Michelle Bauer appear.
ARMORED CAR ROBBERY (1950)--Directed by Richard
Fleischer. Stars Charles McGraw, Adele Jergens, William Talman, Don McGuire. Tough and taut programmer that delivers exactly
as advertised. A band of four crooks, led by mysterious leader Dave Purvis (Talman), knock off an armored car in front of
Los Angeles's Wrigley Field, killing a cop in the process. One of the robbers is wounded, but all four make a clean getaway.
Lt. Cordell (McGraw), whose partner was the dead cop, is teamed with a green rookie (McGuire), and becomes obsessed with Purvis
capture. His best lead is an exotic dancer named Yvonne LeDoux (Jergens), who's married to the wounded gang member, but carrying
on an affair with Purvis. At 67 minutes, it's a pretty solid film noir, with McGraw and Talman delivering substantial performances.
Fleischer went on to bigger-budgeted productions like 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA and THE BOSTON STRANGLER. Talman, who excelled
at portraying psychos, found his greatest fame as Raymond Burr's perpetual foil, District Attorney Hamilton Burger, on TV's
PERRY MASON. Decent cast includes Gene Evans, Douglas Fowley, Steve Brodie, James Flavin, Anne Nagel and Carey Loftin. Co-star
McGuire soon ditched acting and slid behind the camera, directing Jerry Lewis first solo film, THE DELICATE DELINQUENT, and
earning an Oscar nomination for co-writing the screenplay of TOOTSIE. McGuire passed away in 1999.
ARMSTRONG (1998)--Directed by Menahem Golan.
Stars Joe Lara, Frank Zagarino, Kimberley Kates, Charles Napier, Richard Lynch. Zagarino is Rod Armstrong, former Navy
SEAL and CIA operative now working as a freelancer in Russia training Colonel Zukov's (Lynch) soldiers. When his former
boss Zorkin (Napier) is murdered by an American mobster called Ponytail (Lara) in Armstrong's apartment, he teams up with
Zorkin's sexy young widow Susan (Kates, who has a nude scene) to investigate, leading him to discover a secret cache of nuclear
warheads and corruption within the upper ranks of the Russian government. Quite frankly, ARMSTRONG doesn't hold much
of interest outside of its familiar cast and Bulgarian locations. Former Cannon head Golan directs the action well enough,
but his screenplay is ludicrous, suspenseless and loaded with knuckleheaded dialogue that its drama-challenged leads are unable
to conquer. ARMSTRONG isn't awful; it's just not very interesting, one of several hundred direct-to-video actioners
exactly like it.
ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993)--Directed by Sam Raimi.
Stars Bruce Campbell, Embeth Davidtz. Filmed as EVIL DEAD 3, but I guess Universal wanted to disguise the fact that this is
a sequel to two of the goriest films ever made. Director Raimi (who also produced with Robert Tapert and star Campbell) toned
down the violence and upped the slapstick content, making this a more mainstream, yet very satisfying, film. Campbell returns
as Ash, who is transported with his chainsaw, shotgun and junk-filled jalopy into the Dark Ages. He can get home by retrieving
the Book of the Dead and reciting the proper phrase, but he forgets the exact words, and must do battle with skeletal warriors,
zombies and miniature versions of himself! Filled with allusions to NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS, THE
MANSTER, the Three Stooges and more. Campbell is a terrific hero--actually more of a parody of a hero. With his rubbery features,
lantern jaw and skill at physical humor, Campbell turns Ash into one of the dumbest good guys in horror-movie history. Cast
includes Marcus Gilbert, Richard Grove, Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt of TV's SEINFELD), directors William Lustig, Josh Becker,
Harley Cokliss and Bernard Rose, and Ted Raimi in a brief bit. Bridget Fonda has a mysterious cameo. Music by Joseph LoDuca
and Danny Elfman. Great fun.
ARMY OF ONE (1993)--Directed by Vic Armstrong.
Stars Dolph Lundgren, George Segal, Kristian Alfonso. The only feature film directed by noted British stuntman Armstrong,
ARMY OF ONE is heavy on action, as you would expect, and a better-than-average thriller. Steven Pressfield’s story
contains a lot of rubbish, but the relationship between escaped convict Lundgren and hostage Alfonso (DAYS OF OUR LIVES) is
well-rounded and even generates a bit of steam in their love scenes. Wellman Santee (Dolph), on his way to prison on
a trumped-up cop-killing charge, escapes into the desert from the deputies sent to kill him. Severance (Segal), the
cop on his trail, is also the one who framed him. The stakes are raised when Severance, fearing Santee may have told
her too much, also puts a bounty on the head of Rita Marrick (Alfonso), a fetching deputy traveling with Santee as a hostage.
Originally filmed as JOSHUA TREE, ARMY OF ONE suffers from some minor slop typical of a first-time director (such as crewmembers
reflected in shiny car exteriors), but Armstrong appears to have put as much work into the dramatic scenes and the characters
as he did into the exciting action scenes. The result is one of Lundgren’s best movies. Also with Beau Starr,
Geoffrey Lewis, Bert Remsen, Michelle Phillips, Khandi Alexander, Nick Chinlund, Al Leong, Matt Battaglia and Ken Foree.
Music by Joel Goldsmith. Filmed around Lone Pine, California.
THE AROUSERS (1970)--Directed by Curtis Hanson. Stars Tab Hunter, Cherie Latimer, Nadyne Turney.
First feature directed by Hanson, who would later win an Academy Award for his screenplay for L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, a film he
also helmed. Filmed in '70 but not released until Roger Corman's New World Pictures picked it up in '72, it was probably considered
too sleazy and low-budget for mainstream theaters, yet too good and containing not enough action for the drive-in circuit.
39-year-old Hunter is excellent as Eddie Collins, an impotent gym teacher/beach bum/serial killer who gets the urge to murder
women after not being able to make love to them. With one exception, the murders aren't bloody or overly exploitative, while
Hanson tries to up the sleaze factor by having Eddie regularly visit a prostitute and dress her in his mother's clothes while
she pretends to be dead. Hanson, who also scripted, shows remarkable restraint, and Hunter delivers one of his finest performances;
he disappeared into the whirlpool of television after this, not making another feature appearance until '85's LUST IN THE
DUST. Also with New World regular Roberta Collins (as the prostitute), John Aprea, Isabel Jewell, Kate McKeown, Linda Leider
and Angus Scrimm using a pseudonym. Features lots of nudity. Moody score by Charles Bernstein. Also known as A KISS FOR EDDIE
and SWEET KILL.
ARSON, INC. (1949)—Directed by William Berke. Stars Robert Lowery, Anne Gwynne, Douglas Fowley,
Edward Brophy. Mildly diverting Lippert B-pic stars Lowery (who played Batman in a Columbia serial) as Joe Martin, a
fireman investigating a series of arsons and frauds instigated by greasy insurance agent Fred Fender (Fowley). Martin
goes undercover and allows himself to be recruited into the organization by Fender’s flunky, cheerful pyro Pete (Brophy),
by staging a bust in a gambling den and allowing himself to be photographed punching out a cop, which ends up on the front
page with Joe’s public “resignation” from the L.A. fire department. Fender is so obviously sleazy
that it’s a surprise he’s been able to stay under law enforcement’s radar for so long, which is just one
of many slip-ups in Arthur Caesar and Maurice Tombragel’s screenplay. Lowery is something of a lunk, but is amiable
enough in the hour that it takes to watch ARSON, INC., while former Universal ingénue Gwynne is wasted as Martin’s girl,
who accepts Joe’s cover as a public disgrace remarkably well and barely reacts when he spills the beans about his real
identity.
THE ART OF DYING (1991)--Directed
by Wings Hauser. Stars Wings Hauser, Kathleen Kinmont, Gary Werntz. Cult-movie legend Hauser (VICE SQUAD) directed
and stars as Los Angeles vice cop Jack in this early production by PM Entertainment founders Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi.
In fact, Merhi wrote the screenplay for this sick thriller, and Pepin served as director of photography, leading me to wonder
how difficult it was for Hauser to direct a film with his boss standing next to him on the set all the time.
Jack is a sensitive cop on the night beat who attempts to help runaways
escape the streets and return home to their parents. He also enjoys hours of kinky sex with his nympho lover Holly (Kinmont),
with whom he's been carrying on a six-month "one-night stand" and whose last name he doesn't know. Now Jack has another
problem. A deranged filmmaker (Werntz) is luring hopeful teenage actors and actresses to his studio with promises of
stardom and using them in snuff films that replicate famous cinematic death scenes; for instance, the shower scene in PSYCHO
and the Russian roulette scene in THE DEER HUNTER. With plenty of rain-soaked streets, Hollywood Boulevard sleaze and
John Gonzalez' saxophone-tinged score, THE ART OF DYING is another look at the shattered hopes and dreams left bleeding on
the streets of L.A.
It's no masterpiece, but ART is a surprisingly assured slice of
direction by Hauser and not at all what you might expect from reading the video box copy or the names of Pepin and Merhi.
Not surprisingly, Hauser appears to have given his cast some extra room to roam around in, luring a charming performance from
sexy Kinmont (who appears nude) and typically loopy work from Michael J. Pollard (as a police psychologist!) and Sydney Lassick.
Werntz is creepy enough, but at about 6'6", it would be hard for him not to be. Hauser is pretty relaxed, ad-libbing
a time or two, but must have been under the gun as a director, since he chose not to reshoot a couple of flubbed lines.
Don't expect the usual PM pyrotechnics either. No exploding cars and few wild stunts in this one, as the visceral chills
come from Werntz' bloody and shocking murders. A nifty little urban thriller with an unusual love story. Also
with Sarah Douglas, Mitch Hara, T.C. Warner and Henry Brown. Hauser directed four films altogether.
ARTHUR (1981)--Directed by Steve Gordon.
Stars Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, John Gielgud, Jill Eikenberry. Moore's most famous role was as a wealthy drunk engaged
to debutante Eikenberry, but in love with poor waitress Minnelli. Gielgud is hilarious as Arthur's valet; he won a Best Supporting
Actor Oscar. Also nominated for Best Picture, Actor, Song and Original Screenplay (by director Gordon). Was Gordon's only
film; he died shortly after completing this one. Music by Burt Bacharach. Christopher Cross had a hit with "Arthur's Theme
(The Best That You Can Do)", written by Bacharach, Hal David, Carole Bayer Sager and Cross. 1989's ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS
was the sequel.
ASSASSIN (1986)--Directed by Sandor Stern. Stars Robert Conrad, Robert Webber, Karen
Austin, Robert Young. Conrad is a former CIA agent brought out of retirement to track down and destroy a killer robot in this
made-for-TV movie. Produced by Neil T. Maffeo. No, not THAT Robert Young...
ASSASSINATION (1967)--Directed by Emilio
Miraglia. Stars Henry Silva, Fred Beir, Ida Galli. I didn’t care much for this European thriller in which
Silva plays things relatively straight, despite the far-out premise. As John Chandler, Silva is on death row facing
the electric chair. At the last minute, he’s knocked out, whisked away, and wakes up with a new face, that of
his brother Phillip. Pretending to be Phillip, Chandler meets his wife (Galli) and her new fiancé (Beir), while being
setup by shadowy government forces to be the patsy in a political assassination. You can guess that things aren’t
going to go Henry’s way in Miraglia’s dreamy adventure, which was likely inspired by THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE.
It’s all a bit obtuse for my tastes, and while Silva is a favorite, he’s more fun when he gets to play someone
deranged. Here, he mostly wanders around a bit confused, which is right for the character, admittedly. ASSASSINATION
is likely the only time familiar TV actor Beir got second billing in a feature.
ASSASSINATION (1987)--Directed by Peter Hunt.
Stars Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, Stephen Elliott. Cannon rips off THE GAUNTLET, even to the point of hiring a real-life
couple to play the leads. Bronson is Jay Killion, a Secret Service agent assigned to the new First Lady, Lara Craig
(Ireland). She’s a frosty snob who takes an immediate dislike to “Killy” for no particular reason
aside that the screenplay demands it. Eventually, the mismatched couple find themselves on the run from killers who
want to keep her from spilling the beans about the President’s impotence! From D.C. to Lake Tahoe, these middle-agers
(and their stunt doubles) pile into trains, cars, motorcycles, boats, dune buggies, any transportation they can find, only
to plunge into one listlessly directed action scene after another. Former 007 editor and director Hunt (ON HER MAJESTY’S
SECRET SERVICE) is in charge of the worst of Bronson’s Cannon output. Richard Sale’s dialogue is limp, editing
is haphazard, Ireland’s performance is amateurish, and Bronson’s romantic banter with a much younger Chinese agent
named “Charlie Chang” is ridiculous. ASSASSINATION was the first film released in 1987. Ireland had
already been stricken with breast cancer; this was her last feature before dying in 1990. Also with Michael Ansara,
William Prince, Randy Brooks and Jim McMullen.
THE ASSASSINATION BUREAU (1969)--Directed by Basil
Dearden. Stars Oliver Reed, Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas. In turn-of-the-century London, feminist and aspiring journalist Miss
Winters (Rigg) investigates a centuries-old organization called The Assassination Bureau, Ltd., which carries out murders
for hire. Led by an Englishman of Russian extraction, Ivan Dragomiloff (Reed), whose father was the previous chairman, the
bureau will only assassinate targets who, in their view, deserve to die. For reasons unclear in Michael Relph's screenplay
(based upon a Jack London book with additional dialogue by Wolf Mankowitz), Rigg hires the organization (through Reed) to
murder Dragomiloff! She plans to tag along with him to cover the story in order to land a reporting job with Lord Bostwick's
(Savalas) newspaper. What she doesn't know is that Bostwick is the Assassination Bureau's Vice-Chairman, and will become the
group's leader should Dragomiloff's death occur. After a slow beginning, Dearden's film begins to pick up once the assassination
attempts on Dragomiloff get underway. Reed shows fine versatility as his mission (he plans to kill off the assassins before
they can kill him) provides him with an excuse to bury himself in a series of disguises, and he handles the climactic swashbuckling
(in an action finale marred by mediocre miniature and process work) with capable derring-do. Rigg looks smashing, but doesn't
really have much to do except tag along with Reed; she had a much meatier role in the same year's ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET
SERVICE (also co-starring Savalas) as the only wife of James Bond. Also with Curt Jergens, Phillipe Noiret, Warren Mitchell,
Beryl Reid, Clive Revill and George Coulouris. Music by Ron Grainer.
THE ASSAULT (1996)--Directed by Jim Wynorski. Stars Stacie Randall,
Matt McCoy, Melissa Brasselle, Leslie Ryan, Rick Dean, Wanda Acuna. Here's Wynorski's big-breasted remake of ASSAULT
ON PRECINCT 13. For some reason, it's a PG-13-what's the sense of casting poor actresses with large breasts and then
keeping said breasts covered? Randall, a pretty good actress whom I think would be a terrific TV lead, is tough cop
Stacy, assigned to protect Lisa (Ryan), a witness to the murder of her junkie boyfriend by gangbanger Blade (Dean).
Stacy decides to hide Lisa at the isolated halfway house run by her sister Rita (Acuna). Unfortunately, it's too isolated,
leaving the women who live there-and ex-Marine janitor Mike (McCoy)-completely vulnerable to a sustained siege by Blade's
surprisingly loyal minions. Scream queen Brasselle wrote herself a plum role as a foulmouthed moll with a mad-on for
cop Stacy, but she's isn't good enough to bring much life to it.
Actually, the whole picture is pretty lifeless. Wynorski adds little zip to the attack
scenes, which consist of faceless extras jumping through doors and windows, getting shot (by the good guys' unlimited supply
of ammo), and falling backwards into the dark background...over and over and over. Randall and Leo Rossi as her randy
partner are the only performers able to overcome the material. Sandahl Bergman (CONAN THE BARBARIAN) and Lydie Denier
(SATAN'S PRINCESS) are in this too. So are Wynorski regulars Peter Spellos and Toni Naples (who hasn't aged well), Arthur
Roberts from REVENGE OF THE NINJA (who has) and a photo of John Terlesky. The closing credits promise THE ASSAULT II,
but no one is waiting for it.
ASSAULT ON DEVIL'S ISLAND (1997)--Directed
by Jon Cassir. Stars Terry Hulk Hogan, Carl Weathers, Shannon Tweed. First of Turner Network Television's Nitro series of
TV-movies stars professional wrestler Hogan as a Navy SEAL assigned to infiltrate the legendary French penal colony to rescue
some American gymnasts held captive there. He teams with fellow SEAL Weathers and undercover DEA agent Tweed, who spends most
of the movie in various stages of undress. Lots of explosions, gunfire, martial-arts battles and punch-outs for fans of that
kind of entertainment. It's slickly made and fast-paced, and, while the acting and character development is not the greatest,
ASSAULT ON DEVIL'S ISLAND is pretty amiable entertainment. The excellent exploitation cast includes Martin Kove, Billy Blanks
and Billy Drago. Shannon's body remains incredible even in her 40s. Teleplay by TV vet Calvin Clements, Jr. (GUNSMOKE). Not
to be confused with I ESCAPED FROM DEVIL'S ISLAND, a 1973 action pic with Jim Brown and Christopher George.
ASSAULT
ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Austin Stoker, Laurie Zimmer, Darwin Joston.
Carpenter's second film (after DARK STAR) mixes elements of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and RIO BRAVO as inhabitants of a condemned
Los Angeles police station on its last night of service find themselves being attacked by faceless gang members. One
aspect of Carpenter's film that I like is its lean storytelling. Carpenter ratchets up the suspense by giving us only
as much information as we need to know (which is more than the characters have, another method of building tension) and by
slowly developing each of the major characters before they arrive at the precinct house. Some of the performances are
a bit laconic, but we do get to know these characters, we like them, and we want them to survive. Carpenter also supplies
his faceless villains with silencers; one of his most effective scenes features a bunch of cops getting gunned down by silent
bullets, as you just hear the thwip-thwip of slugs penetrating chests and bodies falling to the ground.
It's also interesting to see Austin Stoker playing the leading
role of Bishop, the police lieutenant in charge of keeping everyone alive. Outside of the blaxploitation genre, there were
very few black leading men who were active in major Hollywood features at that time. Stoker was a good, solid actor who got
to play somewhat looser in COMBAT COPS aka PANIC CITY (the title of my British X-rated print), in which he played a macho
cop seeking a racist serial killer in blackface. He would have been a terrific lead in a TV cop show.
Not many people saw PRECINCT during its original release, and
it continued to be a relative sleeper for many years afterward. However, over the last decade or so, PRECINCT appears
to have built a fan base; it has been released twice on DVD. Quentin Tarantino is reportedly a fan, probably because of Carpenter's
terse screenplay filled with black humor and many homages to his favorite childhood movies. Most of the cast are unknowns,
although you may recognize a few, such as Charles Cyphers and Nancy Loomis, who were in HALLOWEEN, and little Kim Richards.
Carpenter also penned the screenplay, composed and performed the creepy synth score, and edited using the pseudonym John T.
Chance (the name of the Duke's character in RIO BRAVO).
THE ASSIGNMENT (1997)—Directed by Christian
Duguay. Stars Aidan Quinn, Donald Sutherland, Ben Kingsley. THE ASSIGNMENT unfortunately was buried by its distributor,
appearing on no more than a few dozen American screens. One was in Chicago where it was reviewed by Roger Ebert for the Sun-Times.
Sutherland co-stars as Henry Fields, an upper-level CIA employee who becomes obsessed with capturing an international terrorist
named Carlos the Jackal. Stunned to discover that an average Naval seaman named Annibal Ramirez (Quinn) bears an amazing physical
resemblance to Carlos, Fields uses his political pull to "volunteer" a reluctant Ramirez for a dangerous mission: to impersonate
Carlos and convince the KGB (the film takes place in the late 1980s) that the killer is in the CIA's hip pocket, forcing the
Russians to assassinate him. Fields and a Mossad agent named Amos (Kingsley) spend two months at a deserted Montreal prison,
training Annibal to think like, act like, react like, even make love like Carlos. His disguise must be absolutely perfect
for the plan to work.
Directed by Duguay, a Canadian filmmaker with some very good genre
credits such as SCREAMERS (a sci-fi movie based on a Philip K. Dick story) and LIVE WIRE (which casts Pierce Brosnan as a
bomb squad officer chasing a terrorist), THE ASSIGNMENT is a smartly developed and paced thriller with a couple of exciting
action sequences, some wry twists, and a thoughtful, suspenseful climax. Although the very Irish-American Quinn initially
seems miscast as a Cuban-American who poses as a Venezuelan (in fact, Andy Garcia turned down the role before it was offered
to Quinn), he's plausible enough in a tricky performance that allows him to essay three roles: Ramirez, Carlos and Ramirez
posing as Carlos. He pulls it off well, and shines in his scenes with Sutherland, whose character shows several shades of
gray.
ASSIGNMENT TERROR (1970)--Directed by Tulio
Demicheli and Hugo Fregonese. Stars Michael Rennie, Karin Dor, Paul Naschy, Patty Shepard, Craig Hill. This wacky
European monster mash was one of Rennie’s final films and is sort of a remake of Universal’s HOUSE OF DRACULA/HOUSE
OF FRANKENSTEIN. A very loose one. Aliens Rennie and Dor are the first wave of an invasion force that plans to
resurrect famous monsters to dominate the human race. Using super-science, they revive a mummy, a vampire (not Count
Dracula, as is often reported), a Frankenstein-like monster, and Waldemar Daninsky (Naschy, who also wrote the film), a werewolf.
Briskly paced and confusingly dubbed, this international hodge-podge (financed by Italian, German and Spanish companies) of
colors, rock music and violent action is dumb, but mostly entertaining. Some territories released it as DRACULA VS.
FRANKENSTEIN, even though the two monsters (which aren’t named that anyway) never meet. The “wolfman”
does some monster fighting though, as the sensitive Daninsky, with the support of Lisa (Shepard), manages to fight the aliens’
influence and do the “right thing”.
THE ASTOUNDING SHE-MONSTER (1958)--Directed
by Ronnie Ashcroft. Stars Robert Clarke, Shirley Kilpatrick, Kenne Duncan, Marilyn Harvey. Pretty bad low-budget sci-fi shot
in about a week. Clarke is hunting in the woods with his dog when he is menaced by both a pair of gangsters and their moll
and an extremely stacked blonde alien with painted-on eyebrows and a skintight white jumpsuit. Stripper Kilpatrick ripped
the back of her tight costume the first day of filming, so whenever she exits a scene, she always backs away from the camera
so the tear won't show! Clarke and Duncan are better than this material.
ASYLUM OF SATAN (1972)--Directed by William
Girdler. Stars Carla Borelli, Nick Jolley, Charles Kissinger. The future director of GRIZZLY, THE MANITOU and
SHEBA, BABY made his first feature in his hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. It's an amateurish and confusing horror
movie that somehow remains watchable, if only as something to laugh at. Lovely young Lucina (Borelli) wakes up to discover
she's a patient in an insane asylum. She doesn't feel as though she belongs there, yet acquiesces to the wishes of her
shrink, Dr. Spector (Kissinger), that she remain. While Lucina tries to understand the hallucinations she's been having,
as well as the cause of the disappearances of fellow patients, her husky, garishly dressed boyfriend Chris (Jolley) tries
to persuade the police of Kissinger's sinister motives.
Quite frankly, the best reason to watch this movie is to amaze yourself
with Nick Jolley's stunning array of ugly clothes. Obnoxious and physically repulsive, Jolley ranks among horror cinema's
unlikeliest heroes--almost as unlikely as the idea of him dating a dish like Carla Borelli. Perhaps not surprisingly,
ASYLUM appears to be Jolley's only film. Otherwise, ASYLUM is mildly entertaining and frustratingly cheap, from the
fire extinguishers used to simulate fog to the patently fake snakes that murder a patient. Kissinger, a local television
personality, hams it up in a dual role.
AT THE EARTH'S CORE (1976)--Directed by Kevin
Connor. Stars Doug McClure, Peter Cushing, Caroline Munro. Second of a series of four juvenile Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptations
lensed in England by director Connor and featuring VIRGINIAN star McClure. Cushing, playing his role for slapstick, is Dr.
Abner Perry, who, with sidekick McClure, journeys to the center of the earth in a mechanical vehicle shaped like a giant drill.
They end up in the kingdom of Pellucidar, where they help the Wing People revolt against the evil Sagoths. Lots of rollicking
action for the kiddies, but the monsters and special effects are cheap, cheap, cheap. Sexy Caroline looks scrumptious in her
tiny leather threads though. Produced by John Dark.
ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN (1950)--Directed by Spencer
Gordon Bennet. Stars Kirk Alyn, Noel Neill, Tommy Bond, Lyle Talbot, Pierre Watkin. This 15-chapter Columbia sequel to 1948's
SUPERMAN is at least as good if not better. It features more Superman action, and contains a better villain than SUPERMAN's
Spider Woman--none other than Lex Luthor (a bald-capped Talbot) himself, who may or may not also be masquerading as Atom Man,
a metal-helmeted bad guy causing chaos in and around Metropolis. Atom Man's chief gadget is a mechanical device that allows
anyone holding a special metal coin to be instantly transported from his cavern hideout to anyplace on Earth. Another contraption
sends Superman into another dimension, which is eerily similar to the Phantom Zone of the comic books. The flying scenes,
as in the original, are handled by using animation, rather than a dummy on wires. If you can suspend your disbelief enough,
the flying scenes are actually pretty fun (although the use of stock footage--sometimes repeated two or three times within
the same chapter--is annoying). Neill continues to play Lois Lane as a complete nincompoop, forcing Superman to drop whatever
he's doing and save her from kidnappers, floods, etc. The final chapter finds Supes riding astride an atomic bomb aimed at
the Daily Planet building, a la Slim Pickens in DR. STRANGELOVE. Also with Jack Ingram, Don C. Harvey, Rusty Westcoatt and
the stentorian tones of Knox Manning as the narrator. Coincidentally, one actor is named Wally West, which is also the secret
identity of the contemporary DC Comics hero The Flash.
ATTACK FROM SPACE (1965)--Directed by Teruo
Ishii, Akira Mitsuwa & Koreyoshi Akasaka. Stars Ken Utsui. Utsui played a steel super-hero named Super Giant
in nine short black-and-white Japanese adventures produced by Shintoho. All nine were purchased by American distributor
Walter Manley and cut into four maddening features, dubbed into English (turning Super Giant into "Starman"), and released
to U.S. television. Starman, whose powers include flight, radiation-detection and the ability to speak and understand
all Earth languages, is sent from the Emerald Planet (during a council session on the surface, a distant ringed "planet" can
be seen swinging in the background) to rescue Earth from the Superians, who have kidnapped a scientist and forced him to build
a rocket ship. Also in their clutches are the scientist's young son and teen daughter, who receive most of the screen
time in the middle reels. Stay tuned, however, because ATTACK concludes with one of the longest and wackiest kung-fu
battles I've ever seen, as Starman invades the Superians' space station and proceeds to lay down the smack on a seemingly
endless army of woeful alien soldiers. I don't really know how to describe Starman's unique fighting style, a cross
between bitch-slapping and ballet, but it's damn entertaining. He also isn't above grabbing a gun or two and blasting
away at the bad guys, often with a smile on his face and in between muscle flexes. Yes, this super-hero knows how to
have a good time.
ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS (1957)--Directed by
Roger Corman. Stars Richard Garland, Pamela Duncan, Russell Johnson. Allied Artists released this fun, short Corman
movie with a classic B-movie title. A group of scientists, including rugged Hank Chapman (Johnson, later the Professor on
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND), visits the island site of atomic bomb tests to investigate the disappearance of an earlier scientific
expedition. Wouldn’t ya know—and of course you would, just read the title—they were eaten by giant crabs?
Even better, they’re Highlander giant crabs that take their victims’ Quickening by absorbing the memories and
personalities of the brains they eat and taunting their next victims by speaking in the voices of their friends. It was fun
to see Johnson stranded on an island and struggling to fix a radio, and the dopey-looking crabs, which were built and operated
on a shoestring by actors Beach Dickerson and Ed Nelson, are pretty fun. It’s only 62 minutes long, and uses familiar
Southern California locations like Bronson Caverns and Leo Carrillo Beach. Released on a double bill with NOT OF THIS EARTH,
also directed by Corman, ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS made a lot of money for Allied Artists and is really an entertaining
little picture with fast-paced direction and an amusing script. If you’re the kind of snob who thinks fake-looking bigass
crabs are not your cup o’ tea, then pass it up, but I like it. Also with Mel Welles, Leslie Bradley and Tony Miller.
Music by Ronald Stein. One reason the film works so well is the good script by Charles B. Griffith, also behind Corman’s
best-known quickies A BUCKET OF BLOOD and LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.
ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN (1958)--Directed
by Nathan Juran. Stars Allison Hayes, William Hudson, Yvette Vickers, Roy Gordon. This awful Allied Artists science
fiction cheapie has achieved quite a cult following, most likely because of its surprising sexual subtext and its delicious
poster showing a scantily clad Allison Hayes straddling a freeway and tossing cars. Of course, nothing nearly that memorable
actually happens in the film, which stars the buxom Hayes as Nancy Archer, a former mental patient who is turned into a giant
by an alien in a huge Ping-Pong ball. Who knows why, but her new 50-foot size makes it easy for her to seek revenge
upon her unfaithful husband (Hudson) and his voluptuous mistress (Vickers). Scenes of the gigantic Hayes tearing down
power lines and reaching into tiny buildings while shouting "Harry!" have to be seen to be believed. The special effects
range from awful to amusing. Adolescent boys seeing this for the first time in the '50s must have had many fantasies
about Hayes and Vickers, who more or less steals the picture with her wild dancing and form-fitting dresses. Juran disliked
the picture, probably because of the shoddy effects work, and slapped his pseudonym “Nathan Hertz” on the credits.
Also with George Douglas, Frank Chase, Ken Terrell and Mike Ross as the stupid-looking monster in what appears to be Roman
gladiator duds. Ronald Stein’s musical score is quite good and is available on compact disc (I have one).
ATTACK
OF THE GIANT LEECHES (1959)--Directed by Bernard L. Kowalski. Stars Ken Clark, Bruno VeSota, Yvette Vickers, Jan
Sheppard. Pretty bad Gene Corman-produced horror flick (brother Roger served as executive producer) worth watching solely
due to the sultry presence of the enormously sexy Vickers. When she seduces her fat husband's friend and leads him into the
swamp for an afternoon of necking, you're seeing screen sex appeal that hasn't often been duplicated by actresses then or
now. It's a shame Yvette never got a chance to escape from the B-movie grind. The film's story has Yvette and others in a
small Florida swamp community being kidnapped by giant leeches--OK, by stunt divers wearing ill-fitting trash bags (you can
see the outline of the divers' air tanks underneath their costumes)--and stored in an underground cave for periodic noshing.
Eventually the leeches get blown up real good. Script by Corman regular Leo Gordon (as both an actor and writer). From the
director of SSSSSSSS.
ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES (1980)--Directed by John DeBello. Stars David
Miller, Sharon Taylor, Jack Riley. An okay science fiction spoof that doesn't quite live up to the hilarity of its opening
theme song. Scenes of people being chased down the street or attacked in their kitchens by tomatoes are bizarre, but the film
lags towards the end. Most interesting scene involves a helicopter crash. The reason that it looks so realistic is because
the copter actually did crash! The only recognizable actor (Riley) is Mr. Carlin from THE BOB NEWHART SHOW. Ignore the sequels
with John Astin (THE ADDAMS FAMILY).
ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (1958)--Directed by Bert I. Gordon.
Stars John Agar, June Kenney, John Hoyt. Hilarious sci-fi about a lonely dollmaker (Hoyt) who takes people into his back room
laboratory and shrinks them. The little people sleep in glass tubes, and every once in a while, Hoyt awakens them, dresses
them in costumes, and holds parties and dances for them. Rebellious puppet person Agar leads five others in a daring escape.
Hoyt gives a silly, jittery performance, and the visual effects are poor, but I just can't resist any movie about shrunken
people. Also with Scott Peters, Michael Mark and Susan Gordon (the director's young daughter). Gordon also produced, wrote
the story, and supervised the effects. Like most of his work, Albert Glasser's musical score deserves a better movie.
AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER (2002)--Directed
by Jay Roach. Stars Mike Myers, Michael Caine, Beyonce Knowles. AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER, the third egg from
Canadian comic Mike Myers' Brit-accented golden goose, is perhaps the most schizophrenic movie ever made. In many ways
resembling the sketch humor of Myers' SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE days, GOLDMEMBER leaps from setpiece to production number to blackout
with reckless abandon, leaving such filmic attributes as pace, narrative and cohesiveness in the lurch. The sheer amount
of jokes hurled at the audience from so many different directions is so voluminous that, mathematically, some of them have
to work. I laughed a lot during this movie, but at the same time, there are several bits, such as a running gag involving
a mole-faced agent, that work like some of those sketches in the last half-hour of SNL, where you shake your head and sit
uncomfortably, wincing in embarrassment for the poor writers and performers who thought this was funny.
Myers' crazy approach to comedy extends to the various styles of
humor he employs. Although it seems as though the record is shattered every couple of months, GOLDMEMBER may raise the
bar in terms of the sheer number of scatological gags on display, from Powers eluding detection by posing as a urinating sculpture
to a bizarre Dutchman who eats his own flaky skin to the prodigious sexual attributes of midget Mini-Me (Verne Troyer), who's
dubbed "Tripod" for reasons you can probably guess. On the other hand, some of the bits in the screenplay by Myers and
Michael McCullers (who also penned the recent--and even better--spy spoof UNDERCOVER BROTHER) and directed by Jay Roach reside
in the realm of recondite conceptual comedy. In a big-budget mainstream slapstick comedy, between the retreads of cheap
gags from the first two AUSTINs and crude synonyms for male genitalia, Myers is doing sophisticated performance art, an unusual
combo if ever I've seen one. Take Goldmember, for instance, who, despite his title billing, is a peripheral character
at best. Goldmember, one of four characters played by Myers, is a pasty Dutch pornographer named van der Smut who has
a golden rod and serves as the basis for several Dutch-bashing jokes. I never realized the Dutch were such a deep source
of humor, and I'll bet you didn't either. As I found myself laughing at this character, I finally realized that was
the point. Myers is parodying a culture that can't be parodied; the joke is that there is no joke.
You probably already know whether you want to see this movie or
not--you did long before the first trailer unspooled--but here's a quick rundown of the plot anyway. Austin Powers (Myers),
that snaggletoothed secret agent from the sixties who's always ready for a good snogging, is once again on the trail of his
bald Belgian archenemy Dr. Evil (Myers again), who has A) developed a tractor beam that will attract a giant Earth-destroying
meteor and B) kidnapped Austin's father, Nigel, a spitting-image, sixtysomething rendition of Austin right down to the hornrimmed
spectacles and randy spirit. Nigel is played by Michael Caine, which is perhaps the movie's brightest concept.
Not only did Myers base Powers' look, in part, on Caine's Harry Palmer character in THE IPCRESS FILE, but Caine also personifies
the English flower-power scene as well as anyone alive, both as an actor and as a symbol.
Another new character is sassy and sexy undercover FBI agent Foxxy
Cleopatra (Beyonce Knowles of Destiny's Child), who time-travels from 1975 in pursuit of Goldmember (don't ask). Although
reviewers will tell you that Foxxy is based on '70s blaxploitation movie heroines Pam Grier (FOXY BROWN) and Tamara Dobson
(CLEOPATRA JONES)--and her name certainly is--the character actually seems inspired by Christie Love, the sweet, smart-talking
undercover cop played by the beautiful Teresa Graves in the short-lived TV series GET CHRISTIE LOVE!, right down to Graves'
catchphrase of "You're under arrest, sugar!" With her sparkling, golden Afro and supermodel-firm bod, Knowles certainly
resembles Graves, and even though she doesn't possess enough silver-screen charm to make a presence amid the hysteria, she
still registers more than experienced actress Heather Graham did in the last movie (although Myers chickens out by not shagging
with his black co-star).
Here I am approaching 700 words, and there's still much more to
say about GOLDMEMBER and its kitchen-sink approach. Perhaps its most egregious error is in slighting its supporting
cast, leaving pros like Mindy Sterling, Michael York and Robert Wagner riding the pine with little to do. Of course,
when your star is playing four characters (including the well-past-the-expiration-date Fat Bastard), there aren't many left
to spotlight. Especially when several big-name cameos are trotted out in the manner of Sammy Davis, Jr. sticking his
head out of the window in the old BATMAN TV show. In fact, let it be known that one of GOLDMEMBER's funniest lines is
uttered by a certain big-name, Oscar-winning director who's making his own Austin Powers movie-within-the-movie for no other
purpose than to show off some of Myers' new A-list pals.
As for Myers, it's his own naughty charm and energy that gives GOLDMEMBER
its pep. He's like a 40-year-old Dennis the Menace with $100 million to spend, and even when his jokes bomb, you want
to laugh because he's often so doggoned inventive that you figure there must be another joke buried somewhere beneath the
one that just bombed. And you don't even mind when there isn't.
Also with Seth Green, Fred Savage, Kevin Cooney, Clint Howard, Carrie
Ann Inaba, Diane Mizota, and bits by Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito, Steven Spielberg, Nathan Lane,
Britney Spears, John Travolta, Quincy Jones, Burt Bacharach and The Osbournes. Former Bangle Susanna Hoffs (wife of
GOLDMEMBER director Jay Roach) and Matthew Sweet appear as part of Powers' band Ming Tea. A running gag about Green's
character's pattern baldness may be a jab at Ron Howard, whose Imagine Entertainment sued Myers for breach of contract in
1999. GOLDMEMBER was also the source of litigation by MGM, who were opposed to the film's title, which they felt mocked
too closely their James Bond film GOLDFINGER (although they didn't yell very loudly as 1999's THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME).
The case was eventually settled when New Line agreed to attach the trailer for MGM's 2002 Bond entry, DIE ANOTHER DAY, to
the front of all GOLDMEMBER prints.
AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
(1997)--Directed by Jay Roach. Stars Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley. This affectionate parody of '60s pop culture was a surprise
box-office hit for New Line Cinema in early 1997, earning $53 million in theaters and tons more on videocassette where it
was a steady performer even two years later. Former SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE cast member Myers plays groovy British spy Austin
Powers, who, in the film's prologue (set in 1967), fails to capture his archenemy Dr. Evil (also played by Myers in a tribute
to both Donald Pleasence in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE and his ex-SNL boss Lorne Michaels!), who shoots himself into orbit and into
suspended animation. Thirty years later, Dr. Evil is back with his nefarious plot to take the world hostage, and Powers is
brought out of his own deep freeze to do battle with his old foe.
Myers (WAYNE'S WORLD) also wrote the screenplay,
and much of the films joy comes from identifying the references to old movies and TV shows; some include BEYOND THE VALLEY
OF THE DOLLS, THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., ROWAN & MARTIN'S LAUGH-IN, THE AVENGERS, A HARD DAY'S NIGHT and the Connery Bond
films. The most obvious nod is to the four Matt Helm adventures made by Dean Martin; like Dino's skirt-chasing agent, Powers's
libido is on hyperdrive, and his cover is as a fashion photographer. The script is also very funny--Myers milks the fish-out-of-water
theme for all its worth, as Powers grows accustomed to a world where free love and hallucinogens are frowned upon--and fast-moving,
the production design is appropriately colorful, George S. Clinton's score is a fun tribute to John Barry, and director Roach
keeps the jokes and action moving. Model Hurley proves herself a good sport in Diana Rigg-type black leather zippered jumpsuits
as Austin's sexy sidekick. Also with Michael York, Mimi Rogers, Robert Wagner, Seth Green, Fabiana Udenio, Will Ferrell, Charles
Napier and unbilled bits by Tom Arnold and Carrie Fisher (who also allegedly polished Myers's script). Myers' band Ming Tea,
featuring Matthew Sweet and ex-Bangle Susanna Hoffs (the wife of Jay Roach), performs on screen.
AUSTIN POWERS:
THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME (1999)--Directed by Jay Roach. Stars Mike Myers, Heather Graham, Michael York, Rob Lowe, Robert
Wagner, Mindy Sterling, Seth Green. New Line's spy spoof sequel was much more heavily hyped than the original '97 sleeper
hit; it was released on more movie screens nationwide than any other movie in history, and paid off with a $54 million opening
weekend--more than AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY grossed in its entire theatrical run! Although Myers relies
more on gross scatological gags than before, Powers's second adventure is easily as entertaining as the first. This time around
groovy English spy Powers (Myers) is victimized by his archenemy Dr. Evil (Myers in a skullcap and scar), who travels back
in time to 1969 to steal Austin's mojo! Evil, with the aid of the Young Number Two (Lowe doing an amazing Robert Wagner impersonation),
Frau Farbissa (Sterling), his '90s slacker son Scott (Green) and a two-and-a-half-foot Dr. Evil clone dubbed Mini-Me (portrayed
by 31-inch actor Verne Troyer), also plans to destroy Washington, D.C. with a giant laser installed on his moonbase. To stop
Evil's evil plot, Powers travels back in time to '69, where he once again dons his crushed velvet tuxedo and is teamed up
with sexy CIA agent Felicity Shagwell (Graham). Again Myers (who co-scripted) fills the story with references to old movies
and TV shows like THE MONKEES, IN LIKE FLINT, DR. NO and Matt Helm flicks--the title is, of course, based on the Roger Moore
007 adventure THE SPY WHO LOVED ME. Graham has never been sexier in a movie (not even in her role as a roller-skating porno
actress in BOOGIE NIGHTS), yet seems uncomfortable doing comedy; she doesn't quite stack up next to Elizabeth Hurley (who
does provide a pre-credits sequence cameo), who was so Emma-Peel-ing in the first AUSTIN. Also with Will Ferrell, Charles
Napier, Clint Howard and amusing cameos by Burt Bacharach, Elvis Costello, Tim Robbins, Woody Harrelson and Jerry Springer.
Affectionate score by George S. Clinton, who seems to be channeling John Barry at times.
AUTO FOCUS (2002)—Directed by Paul Schrader.
Stars Greg Kinnear, Willem Dafoe, Rita Wilson, Maria Bello. Who would have guessed that, behind the perennial smirk
on amiable sitcom star Bob Crane’s face, lurked the voracious appetite of one of Hollywood’s great perverts.
Drummer, disc jockey and HOGAN’S HEROES star Crane, portrayed with surprising sensitivity by Kinnear, led a double life
with the help of friend and electronics guru John Carpenter (Dafoe). According to Schrader and author Robert Graysmith
(whose THE MURDER OF BOB CRANE was the inspiration for Michael Gerbosi’s screenplay), Carpenter indoctrinated Crane
into seedy late nights filled with kinky extramarital sex, including orgies and home movies. When Crane wasn’t
having sex with various anonymous groupies, he was watching one of his homemade porns, often filmed without the knowledge
of the young ladies who starred in them. Wilson and Bello are fine as Crane’s beleaguered wives, but Crane’s
biggest romance may have been his platonic relationship with Carpenter, portrayed excellently by Dafoe as a desperate and
somewhat pathetic hanger-on who needed his famous friend even more than mild-mannered Crane needed him. At times hard
to watch, as we anticipate the violent finale (Crane was murdered in a hotel room in 1978), but a mostly engrossing character
drama anchored by Kinnear’s two-faced acting. Also with Kurt Fuller (as Werner Klemperer), Ron Leibman, Ed Begley
Jr., Kevin Kilner and Katie Lohmann.
AVALANCHE (1978)--Directed by Corey Allen.
Stars Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow, Robert Forster. Since when does not having the money to do something properly ever stop
Roger Corman? It's difficult to compete with Irwin Allen's multi-million dollar disaster films by spending two bucks
and a nickel, and it's unlikely that this New World production made much of an avalanche at the box office. David Shelby
(Hudson) hopes to rekindle a romance with ex-wife Caroline (Farrow) by inviting her to stay at his swanky ski resort in the
Colorado mountains. Some construction workers ignore the warnings of nature photographer Nick Thorne (Forster), and
the whole damn mountain tumbles onto the lodge, resulting in a high body count, some unconvincing visual effects (which have,
nevertheless, turned up as stock footage in other movies) and some laughable scenes. Jeanette Nolan, Steve Franken,
Jerry Douglas, Barry Primus, X Brands and Cathey Paine also star. Music by William Kraft. From the director of
THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO.
THE AVENGERS (1998)--Directed by Jeremiah Chechik.
Stars Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery. Warner Brothers refused to screen this late-summer adventure for critics,
which led to plenty of pre-release bad buzz around Hollywood. It isn't very good, but Chechik, producer Jerry Weintraub, and
screenwriter Don Macpherson seem to have had some good ideas, which leads me to believe that studio interference was partially
responsible for the film's mediocre quality. Reportedly over 20 minutes of footage was cut out, which explains Macpherson's
patchwork plot and Chechik's continuity errors. Based upon the imaginatively witty and kinky British TV series, which starred
Patrick Macnee as dapper spy John Steed and luscious Diana Rigg as his karate-kicking, leather-wearing partner Emma Peel,
THE AVENGERS casts Fiennes as a slightly less amused Steed and American Uma (who does look fantastic in Mrs. Peel's leather
catsuit) as scientist Emma, who is being framed for the theft of some sort of weather control device invented by Sir August
de Winter (a scenery-chewing Connery). Most of what happens doesn't make sense, but suffice to say Connery threatens to use
his weather machine to freeze the world if he isn't paid a tidy ransom, and Steed and Mrs. Peel banter and karate-chop their
way into de Winter's stronghold to save the day.
Connery seems to be having a blast (he would be fantastic as a villain
in a James Bond movie), but Fiennes and Thurman generate no heat together. Uma is sexy, but plays everything at one note,
while Fiennes doesn't seem to be having fun, and lacks Macnee's amused jauntiness. Warner Bros. also jettisoned Michael Kamen's
score late in post-production, but Joel McNeely's dull pastiche of synthesizers and orchestra doesn't help build any excitement
(although he does toss Laurie Anderson's series theme in from time to time). One of the year's biggest disappointments. From
the director of NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION.
AVENGING ANGEL (1985)--Directed by Robert Vincent
O'Neil. Stars Betsy Russell, Susan Tyrell, Robert F. Lyons, Rory Calhoun, Paul Lambert. Four years after the events
portrayed in ANGEL, former child prostitute Molly Stewart (Russell, replacing Donna Wilkes) has escaped the streets of Hollywood
to become a college track star. However, when her mentor, Lt. Hugh Andrews (Lyons, replacing Cliff Gorman), is murdered,
"Angel" squeezes into her old working clothes and hits the seamy streets of Los Angeles to find the killers. Reuniting
with foulmouthed lesbian Solly (Tyrell) and flamboyant ex-cowboy star Kit Carson (Calhoun), Angel shoots her way through the
ranks of mobster Arthur Gerrard's (Lambert) private army, culminating in a standoff in L.A.'s historic Bradbury Building.
More comic and less sleazy than the original film, AVENGING ANGEL still provides decent late-night entertainment, mixing a
few bare breasts into the steady stream of squealing tires, flying bullets and unusual characters. What Russell lacks
in acting chops she makes up for in looks, and she was already well known in exploitation circles for her topless scenes in
PRIVATE SCHOOL and OUT OF CONTROL. She's a looker for sure, although her "of age" casting takes away the kinky thrills
Wilkes' jailbait streetwalker provided in ANGEL. Also with Ossie Davis, Barry Pearl, Ross Hagen, Steven M. Porter, Hoke
Howell and Liz Sheridan. Score by Christopher Young. Angel, sporting her third face in three movies, would return
in ANGEL III: THE FINAL CHAPTER.
AVENGING FORCE (1986)--Directed by Sam Firstenberg.
Stars Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, James Booth, John P. Ryan. One of my favorite Cannon action films reunites the
stars and director of AMERICAN NINJA; they would also make AMERICAN NINJA 2 together. Dudikoff is Matt Hunter, a former
American agent now retired and raising his kid sister on a ranch after their parents were killed by a car bomb meant for him.
In New Orleans for Mardi Gras and to visit his black friend Larry Richards (James), an ex-partner now running for Senate,
Hunter runs afoul of the Pentangle, a secret and influential organization of white supremacists and survivalists who attack
Richards and his family aboard their Mardi Gras float. Larry's young son is killed, leading to some terrific action
scenes in the streets and rooftops and later in a shipyard. More murders and kidnappings occur as the Pentangle, headed
by the vicious Glastenbury (Ryan), use every bullet at their disposal to advance their racist sphere of influence.
AVENGING FORCE contains perhaps the most vicious antagonists in
any action film of the era. Not even children are immune to their evil, ruthlessly murdering Richards' and selling Hunter's
12-year-old sister into prostitution. Luckily, Firstenberg is up to the task, staging several exciting setpieces and
martial arts battles in some of New Orleans' seediest locations, culminating in Dudikoff's MOST DANGEROUS GAME-style standoff
against Glastenbury and three of his best warriors in the filthy, rainy Louisiana bayou. Shooting conditions look difficult,
but Firstenberg and company comes through with some tight footage. Dudikoff, never the most relaxed of actors, is fine
here, although his feet do his best emoting. James is as solid as ever, though he unfortunately never got a chance to
play a lead in a Cannon film, even backing up David Bradley's film debut in AMERICAN NINJA 3. Ryan's over-the-top wailings
are a treat to watch, while Booth, who also penned the screenplay, amusingly attempts to mix-and-match British and Cajun accents.
Also with Bill "Superfoot" Wallace, Allison Gereighty, Sylvia
Joseph, Robert Cronin and Kane Hodder. Music by George S. Clinton. One reviewer compared Dudikoff to a young Robert
Conrad! I'm not sure if that's a good review or a bad one. James died of cancer in 1993.
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