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THE ANDERSONVILLE TRIAL (1970)--Directed
by George C. Scott. Stars William Shatner, Jack Cassidy, Richard Basehart, Cameron Mitchell. Scott played the
role of the prosecuting Judge Advocate in the 1959 Broadway presentation of Saul Levitt's play. Eleven years later,
he directed it for PBS with an all-star cast of imposing television actors at the height of their game.
Swiss-born Henry Wirz (Basehart) is on trial in 1865 for atrocities
that occurred while he was the ruling commandant of the Confederate prisoner-of-war camp near Andersonville, Georgia.
More than 40,000 Union prisoners were crowded into an area meant to hold less than half that, and were not provided adequate
food, water, shelter or medical care. Prisoners were forced to drink from the same swampy stream that their bodily waste
was emptied into. They slept year round on bare ground without a roof over their heads. Food was so scarce that
some of the men resorted to cannibalism.
Shatner, one year after STAR TREK left the air, has the plum
role of Lt. Col. Chipman, the prosecutor obsessed with making Wirz pay for his alleged abuse. Cassidy, who was nominated
for an Emmy (ANDERSONVILLE won three, including Levitt's teleplay and for Outstanding Single Program), is equally good as
Wirz' defense attorney, who alleges that his client was merely following the orders of his superiors and cannot be held responsible
for the thousands of deaths that occurred as a result of them.
While much of the dialogue is taken directly from the transcripts
of the real Wirz' trial, Levitt takes a few dramatic liberties, putting Wirz on the stand to tell his story and adding an
extra theme of moral responsibility into the mix. More specifically, should Wirz have done the "right" thing and disobeyed
his orders at the risk of a possible court martial and even death?
At nearly 140 minutes, Scott takes his time telling his story
and gives his marvelous cast plenty of opportunity to wrap themselves around their meaty roles. Like Scott, none of
the cast is known for being particularly subtle (Mitchell, taking a welcome respite from exploitation movies, portrays General
Wallace, the presiding judge), but their theatrical backgrounds are entirely appropriate for this talky drama set entirely
within the courtroom. Those who consider Shatner a "bad" actor because of his flair for the dramatic may be surprised
to learn how good he can be under the right circumstances, as his unique performing style is perfectly massaged by director
Scott to carry the show.
THE ANDERSONVILLE TRIAL was produced on videotape under PBS'
HOLLYWOOD TELEVISION THEATRE banner. The wonderful supporting cast includes Buddy Ebsen as the Andersonville camp's
country doctor, Albert Salmi, John Anderson, Whit Bissell, Martin Sheen, Harry Townes, Lou Frizzell (who acted with Scott
in the original Broadway production) and Michael Burns. Many of the actors appear only in wordless cameos, but manage
to give the production some extra dramatic weight: Ford Rainey, Kenneth Tobey, Bert Freed, Alan Hale, Ian Wolfe, Woodrow Parfrey
and Dick Miller. Mundell Lowe provides the sparse musical score.
ANDROID (1982)--Directed by Aaron Lipstadt.
Stars Klaus Kinski, Don Opper, Brie Howard, Norbert Weisser, Crofton Hardester, Kendra Kirchner. ANDROID was filmed
in twenty shooting days on a budget of just $500,000. It was not financially successful at the box office, undoubtedly
because it lacks the exploitative elements with which Corman’s marketing team had grown adept at handling. Positive
reviews and film festival playdates earned ANDROID a small cult audience, but serious SF fans, likely thinking it was another
New World sex-and-gorefest like GALAXY OF TERROR or FORBIDDEN WORLD, mostly stayed away from it.
ANDROID is a simple, yet not simplistic, story of surprising
sensitivity and humanity. It mostly falls upon the capable shoulders of Don Opper, who co-wrote the screenplay and stars
in it (uncredited) as Max 404, the titular droid who is shy, lacking in social skills, and deeply curious about Earth pop
culture of the 20th century. Opper, whose previous job was hammering together flats as a carpenter on earlier New World
movies, is perfect in his debut role, a graceful mixture of Charlie Chaplin and C-3PO who undergoes a tremendous upheaval
in personality throughout the course of the film. Opper remains likable even as Max performs actions that appear morally
repulsive to us.
It’s 2036, and Max is the lone assistant to Dr. Daniel
(top-billed Kinski) on a space station far from Earth, a planet Max has never seen, but desperately wishes to visit.
After five years of serving as cook, janitor and butler to the only human he’s ever known, Max enthusiastically provides
safe haven to three escaped convicts who hijacked a prison spaceship and guided the wounded vessel to Daniel’s landing
bay for repairs. The mad doctor wants the intruders gone, until he notices that one of them is a woman, Maggie (Howard).
Daniel is working to construct an android woman more advanced than Max, but needs to siphon the sexual energy from a human
female to get his new ‘bot up and running. Meanwhile, the child-like Max, who has viewed primitive sexual instruction
tapes in case he ever met a flesh-and-blood woman, falls in love with Maggie, and there are signs that perhaps she may be
attracted to his innocent nature as well.
The other escapees—kindly Keller (Weisser) and bully
Mendes (Hardester)—are important to Android’s story too, but the Daniel/Maggie/Max triangle is its heart and soul.
Daniel doesn’t love Maggie, of course; I doubt he’s capable of loving any human being. His sights rest solely
on Cassandra (Kirchner), his beautiful blonde creation whose very existence endangers Max’s.
Director Lipstadt, who works often in episodic TV drama, amps
up the third-act action and drama with infighting among the criminals and a tragedy that spurs Daniel to tinker with Max’s
programming and transform the tender helper into a superhuman killing machine—a Terminator, if you will (James Cameron
worked as a designer on ANDROID). Opper’s transition from wide-eyed virgin to soulless murderer flawlessly builds
upon small pieces of business slyly revealed earlier that seemed superfluous. Lipstadt and Opper aren’t afraid
to treat their audience with respect and not pound plot points into them. Granted, a couple of points could be clearer,
but the witty dialogue by Opper and James Reigle and the good acting help the story eventually come together well enough.
Even Kinski, whose eccentric tendencies on- and off-screen were always a threat to derail a production, is unusually understated.
With its meager budget, ANDROID was no threat to derail the
box office momentum of E.T. and STAR TREK II, even though its visual effects are imaginative and well-crafted and its set
design colorful and functional. However, as wonderful as those films are, it isn’t an overstatement to place ANDROID
in their company. Lipstadt’s film is intelligent, literate science fiction with a dash of justifiable violence
and sex to keep the marketing folks happy. Also with future Corman directors Rachel Talalay (also the production accountant)
and Mary Ann Fisher (producer), Wayne Springfield (who served as art director) and Darrell Larson. Music by Don Preston
(previously with the Mothers of Invention).
THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN (1971)--Directed by
Robert Wise. Stars Arthur Hill, David Wayne, Kate Reid, James Olson, Paula Kelly. Slow-paced but interesting adaptation of
Michael Crichton's best seller about a small desert town wiped out by a deadly virus from outer space and the team of government
scientists assigned to stop the infection from spreading and destroying mankind. The accent here is on science, not characterization,
but Wise keeps us interested, and there's an exciting finale featuring Olson in a race against time to keep a nuclear bomb
from exploding. Douglas Trumbull supervised the visual effects. Electronic score by Gil Melle. From the director of THE SOUND
OF MUSIC and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.
ANDY WARHOL'S FRANKENSTEIN (1973)--Directed by Paul Morrissey.
Stars Udo Kier, Monique van Vooren, Joe Dallesandro, Arno Juerning. One of the decade's most outrageous movies. Made in 3-D
and released with an X rating, Morrissey's film is packed with depravity, gore, nudity and some of the most whacked-out images
and dialogue imaginable. His script is packed with juicy black comedy and nutty dialogue, much of it spoken by German actor
Kier, who plays the Baron Frankenstein (although the family name is never spoken or even referred to). Married to his sister,
but not above enjoying an occasional carnal act with a corpse, the Baron creates a pair of sexy blonde male and female creatures.
He would like for them to mate in order to create a new master race, but unfortunately the brain that his assistant Otto (Jeurning)
procured for the male zombie previously belonged to a virgin who was planning to join a monastery. Also known as FLESH FOR
FRANKENSTEIN, it is not to be missed! Morrissey made this and ANDY WARHOL'S DRACULA, also with Kier, back-to-back in Rome.
Italian director Antonio Margheriti "supervised" the two Warhol films.
ANGEL (1984)--Directed by
Robert Vincent O'Neil. Stars Donna Wilkes, Cliff Gorman, Susan Tyrell, Dick Shawn, Rory Calhoun, John Diehl. "High School
Honor Student By Day, Hollywood Hooker By Night"! A great ad campaign featuring that tag line was instrumental in this becoming
a hit. After being abandoned by both her parents, 15-year-old Molly (Wilkes) puts herself through private school by turning
tricks on the sleazy streets of Hollywood as an underage hooker named Angel. A makeshift family of colorful street people--including
silent movie cowboy star Kit (Calhoun), cigar-smoking lesbian Solly (Tyrell) and flamboyant transvestite Mae (Shawn)--watch
over her. She needs all the help she can get after a necrophile serial killer (Diehl) who sucks eggs, disguises himself as
a Hare Krishna and dismembers prostitutes learns Angel can identify him. Top-billed Gorman is good as the detective investigating
the murders.
Not as much skin as you might expect, considering the subject matter (except for some completely gratuitous
locker-room shots); in fact, ANGEL's biggest flaw is its timidity. Angel does a lot of streetwalking and posing in sexy clothes,
but not much hooking. While this was probably an issue of taste, the film's antiseptic view of street life and frequent comic
relief dispel any tension in the story. Director O'Neil would have you believe that Hollywood Boulevard at night resembles
a carnival atmosphere with plenty of good-humored folk and about as much danger as a Coney Island Ferris wheel. The veteran
cast members are fun to watch, I guess, but Wilkes, who does at least look the part, isn't tough enough and is never believable
as either a high school honor student or Hollywood hooker.
The cinematographer was future director Andrew Davis (THE
FUGITIVE). Also with Elaine Giftos, Ross Hagen, Peter Jason and a BLUE THUNDER marquee. 25-year-old Wilkes was formerly McLean
Stevenson's daughter on TV's HELLO, LARRY. This was a step up. Diehl had more lines on MIAMI VICE. AVENGING ANGEL, also directed
by O'Neil, but with Betsy Russell replacing Wilkes, was the sequel. Two more ANGEL movies followed--all starred different
actresses as Angel. Music by Craig Safan, who claims to have composed the entire score in a week.
ANGEL III: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1988)--Directed
by Tom DeSimone. Stars Mitzi Kapture, Mark Blankfield, Kin Shriner, Maud Adams, Tawny Fere, Anna Navarro. ANGEL
creator Robert Vincent O'Neil had nothing to do with this second sequel to the popular New World hit. Neither did Donna
Wilkes and Betsy Russell, who played the title character in the first two O'Neil-helmed movies. It's now 14 years after
ANGEL, and Molly Stewart (future SILK STALKINGS star Kapture) appears to have forgotten all about law school, as she's now
a freelance photographer working in New York City. After glimpsing a woman she believes to be her long-gone mother,
Molly hops a flight to Los Angeles to discover that not only is her mom, Gloria (Navarro), a successful art dealer, but she
also has a 14-year-old half-sister Michelle (Fere). Unfortunately, just a few hours after Molly's tearful reunion with
the mother who left her alone to a life of child prostitution, Gloria is murdered by drug-smuggling white slaver Nadine (Adams),
who also holds Michelle in her mansion to "entertain" wealthy criminals. Rounding up a new posse of colorful helpers,
including gay hustler Spanky (Blankfield) and bland film editor Neal (Shriner), "Angel" tarts up and becomes an actress in
porn movies in an attempt to infiltrate Nadine's harem.
Perhaps no other drive-in franchise is as consistently entertaining
as the ANGEL movies. None are a whole lot better or worse than the others in the series, with ANGEL III perhaps a cut
above AVENGING ANGEL, and none are particularly great. Kapture's performance is better than those of Wilkes and Russell,
but, despite the presence of pornography, prostitution, murder, white slavery and dope in DeSimone's screenplay, ANGEL III
isn't as gritty or sleazy as it should be, presenting an antiseptic feel more akin to a SILK STALKINGS episode than an R-rated
feature meant for drive-ins. Of course, the days of theatrical exploitation were pretty much over by 1988, so perhaps
New World intended the movie to go directly to home video (although the trailer on Anchor Bay's DVD indicates a theatrical
release). Richard Roundtree pops up occasionally as Angel's new police contact, and Dick Miller plays Molly's boss.
From the director of CHATTERBOX. Lou Rawls performs the closing theme.
ANGEL EYES (1991)--Directed by Gary Graver.
Stars Monique Gabrielle, John Phillip Law, Erik Estrada, Rachel Vickers. Awful dialogue and a rotten performance in
the leading role plagues this very cheap erotic thriller, all of which takes place on a mere two locations, one of them the
house belonging to executive producer Fred Olen Ray. Reviewing a movie like this on the basis of its acting and story
seems to be missing the point, and if you're in the mood for fairly hot softcore sex scenes, then I must admit that Graver,
who also wrote and photographed the film, succeeded in that regard.
Real estate investor Steven (Law), in trouble with both loan shark
Johnny (Estrada) and his bitchy girlfriend Michelle (Vickers, who performs in hardcore films as Raven), is surprised to see
Angel (Gabrielle) show up on his doorstep one evening. Angel is the daughter of a woman Steven lived with many years
earlier. Even though he was never married to her mother, Angel, who is apparently supposed to be a teenager, but is
portrayed by an actress close to 30, insists on calling him "Daddy" while she sucks lollipops and talks to her dolls.
Michelle is livid to have an intruder in her home, and Steven isn't thrilled about having her around either, although neither
character tries very hard to get rid of her. Maybe that's because we know she's a nymphomaniac mental patient who stabbed
her mother to death, but they don't.
Graver builds up the running time to feature length with interminable
scenes set at Johnny's beachfront home where he conducts "business" while topless hotties cavort in the pool. None of
these scenes impact the plot very much, and exist solely to break up the many sex scenes between Law and Vickers, Gabrielle
and Vickers, and, briefly, Law and Gabrielle. It's surprising to see a guy in his 50's doing so much nudity, but maybe
Law enjoyed the chance to make out with some sexy silicone-enhanced women. Gabrielle is badly miscast; not only is she
too old for the part, but she doesn't have the range necessary to pull off Angel's mental and emotional anguish. She
is exceptional performing the requisite sex scenes, however, which is probably all Graver was looking for. Italian action-movie
star Richard Harrison also appears with John Coleman, Suzanne Ager, Gail Carradine, Fred Olen Ray and Hoke Howell. Music
by Chuck Cirino.
ANGEL OF DEATH (1986)—Directed by Andrea
Bianchi. Stars Chris Mitchum, Robert Foster, Howard Vernon. Bad movie with a terrible ending. Dr. Josef
Mengele (Vernon) is alive and well in Paraguay, where he continues his inhumane genetic experiments on unwitting subjects.
One is the result of crossbreeding between a woman and a chimpanzee. A Jew named Mark (Foster) wants revenge after his
girlfriend is murdered by one of Mengele’s men while the two of them are snooping around his castle. He joins
a small band of Nazi hunters that includes an acrobat, a karate expert, and a silent killer with a crossbow. Top-billed
Mitchum doesn’t do much as a crippled ‘Nam vet who joins the proposed Fourth Reich. Lotta squibs in this
movie, although I don’t think a bullet hitting dirt causes sparks the way it does here. Also with Fernando Rey,
Suzanne Andrews, Jack Taylor and Dora Doll. Also known as COMMANDO MENGELE.
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION (1994)-Directed by Charles
Philip Moore. Stars Maria Ford, Charlie Spradling, Jessica Mark, Jimmy Broome, Bob McFarland. Roger Corman manages
to remake two of his movies-ANGELFIST and BLACKBELT-at the same time. That both of those films were only about two years
old at the time seems not to have bothered him. Ford stars in this ripoff of THE BODYGUARD as stripper-turned-cop Jo
Alwood, who takes a job protecting rock star Delilah (Mark) from a freaky stalker (Broome) who confuses the sexy singer with
his mother, with whom he had an incestuous relationship. Meanwhile, Delilah's mobster backer (McFarland) wants her to
re-up her contract, and resorts to violence in an effort to force her. Jo signed on for one job and ends up fighting
two baddies simultaneously. What a coincidence.
Originally Spradling was signed to star in this New Horizons action
flick, but when she balked at performing the eagerly anticipated (by me anyway) naked kickboxing fight, Corman reportedly
dumped her, sent Ford over to Manila (filling in unconvincingly as Honolulu), and ordered Moore to rewrite the script to kill
off Charlie's character and introduce Ford as her sister. Some of the dialogue and camera setups are taken verbatim
from BLACKBELT. Of course, BLACKBELT, which starred Don "The Dragon" Wilson, didn't have the advantage of Maria Ford's
amazing naked kickboxing skills, as she bounces around a house wearing nothing but a G-string and rouge on her nipples and
beating the crap out of an army of trained hoods. And despite her character's determination to never strip again, this
professional law enforcer doesn't hesitate to step out onto a stage and perform an intricately choreographed striptease in
order to save the life of a hostage (how and why this happens aren't addressed in Moore's screenplay, but we know it's to
provide Ford with yet another nude scene).
Cirio H. Santiago, who directed Jeanne Bell's naked kickboxing in
TNT JACKSON, Cat Sassoon's in ANGELFIST and Jillian Kesner's in FIRECRACKER, served as producer. Also with Chanda, Antonio
Bacci and Chuck Moore. Paul Maslak, who received story credit on BLACKBELT, receives an identical credit here.
ANGEL OF FURY (1992)—Directed by Ackyl Anwary.
Stars Cynthia Rothrock, Peter O’Brien. Another crazy Indonesian action movie with the star of THE STABILIZER,
Peter O’Brien! And it’s written by trash-movie star Chris Mitchum (the leading man of LETHAL HUNTER)!
American martial arts star Rothrock is wasted in this ridiculous movie as a security expert hired to deliver a McGuffin to
her Jakarta client. To throw off potential thieves, she first ships the device in two decoy suitcases, both of which
are intercepted by goons working for villain O’Brien. So is the third suitcase, which is the real thing.
Meanwhile, her former lover, whom she believed to have died two years ago, just happens to pop up. Think there’s
a connection? Nothing in this muddled movie makes sense, and Imperial Entertainment’s strategy of cutting it down
to 70 minutes for its U.S. home video release doesn’t make it any more coherent. I’m not sure it matters.
Just sit back and enjoy the copious kung fu kicking, the bad acting, the terrible dubbing, and the insane filmmakers who somehow
managed to create something this ridiculous.
ANGEL UNCHAINED (1970)--Directed by Lee Madden.
Stars Don Stroud, Tyne Daly, Bill McKinney, Luke Askew. Biker Angel (Stroud) decides a life of rumbling, drinking and
whoring isn't for him, so he splits his gang and ends up in a commune, where he falls for hippie chick Merilee (Daly).
Trouble ensues when the peaceniks are hassled by the shotgun-wielding locals. For protection, Angel enlists his old
biker buddies, who start causing more trouble than the rednecks they're supposed to be fighting. A little tame by biker-flick
standards, but Stroud's performance is a good one, and Madden occasionally delivers the action in a straightforward manner.
Also with Larry Bishop and a droll turn by Aldo Ray. AIP released it.
ANGEL'S BRIGADE (1978)--Directed by Greydon
Clark. Stars Jack Palance, Peter Lawford and seven hot babes. This should probably be listed under ANGELS' BRIGADE,
but "ANGEL'S" is how it's titled onscreen. After her teenage brother is beaten up by drug dealers (and never seen or
referred to again), sexy rock star Michelle (former PLAYBOY Playmate Susan Kiger) and the brother's teacher (!) April, played
by Jacquelin Cole, recruit a crack squad of five beautiful specialists: stunt driver Terry (Sylvia Anderson), Vietnamese
martial arts expert Keiko (Kieu Chinh), model Maria (Noela Velasco), cop Elaine (Robin Greer) and Elaine's teen sister Trish
(Greer's real-life sister Liza). The team's first order of business is to buy a crappy used van and magically transform
it into a sophisticated battle cruiser, complete with a snazzy new paint job, rocket launchers and surveillance system (there's
no mention of how they manage to pay for it or even know how to build it). After some pretty laughable scenes of the
brigade's "training" and Elaine's perplexing confrontation with her no-nonsense boss (Neville Brand), the "angels" prepare
for their ultimate mission: the destruction of a major drug manufacturing compound run by urbane druglord Burke (Lawford)
and his tough right-hand man Mike Farrell (Palance).
If you're looking to see hot girls kicking ass, I guess you could
do a lot worse, but director Clark doesn't seem to have a grasp of what this movie needs. Although the women often appear
in form-fitting jumpsuits or bikinis, the PG-rated film contains no nudity, no profanity and little blood. In fact,
the low production values, bad music and familiar cast make it look much like a made-for-TV affair. Plus, Clark dilutes
any excitement the action scenes might contain by filling them with cartoon sound effects. The stupid script by Clark
and Alvin L. Fast is so full of plotholes, coincidences, clumsy pacing and inept comedy that you'll be reaching for a nearby
TV brick, and it's impossible to take any of these women seriously as trained soldiers or experts in any field.
None of the actresses are better than mediocre. Velasco and
Chinh possess the most spectacular bodies; Robin Greer delivers the best performance. As for the veterans in the cast,
only Brand (who probably only worked a day at most) and Palance avoid embarrassing themselves. Lawford appears to be
drunk in several scenes, while Pat Buttram (GREEN ACRES) and Jim Backus (GILLIGAN'S ISLAND) trot out some hackneyed comic
relief. Alan Hale (the "Skipper") pops up as Kiger's manager. Also with Darby Hinton (MALIBU EXPRESS), Arthur
Godfrey as himself (why?) and Clark. The excruciating disco-tinged score is by Gerald Lee. The cinematographer
was Dean Cundey, who had just done HALLOWEEN and ROLLER BOOGIE, and would shortly become one of Hollywood's A-list cameramen
(BACK TO THE FUTURE).
ANGELFIST (1993)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago.
Stars Catya Sassoon, Melissa Moore, Michael Shaner, Sibel Birzak. Leave it to Roger Corman to stick with a formula that
works. Nearly 20 years after naked kickfighter Jeanne Bell sought revenge in the Philippines in TNT JACKSON and more
than a decade after Jillian Kesner did the same in FIRECRACKER, executive producer Corman and director Santiago trot out exotic
covergirl Sassoon in ANGELFIST, which also includes elements of BLOODFIST and BLOODSPORT. Once you've seen Cat's gleaming
wet body opening a can of naked whupass on a trio of Filipino ninjas, it's doubtful you'll ever forget it. Armed with
strangely masculine features, sofa-pillow lips and a pair of stand-up-straight breasts courtesy of one of Beverly Hills' finest
cosmetic surgeons, "world karate champion" (after seeing her in action, I think it's safe to assume that her title is typical
Corman bullstuff) Sassoon stands front and center in this cheapjack made-in-Manila melodrama.
Cat is Katana Lang, a tough Los Angeles detective first seen
storming a cheap motel to mow down some crooks who have just machine-gunned a bunch of cops outside. You'll be amazed
by how many Filipino cops and hoods there are in L.A. That night, she gets the word that her kickboxing sister Kristie
(Birzak), who was moonlighting as an undercover FBI agent, snapping photos of a fatal ninja attack upon a prominent American
politician, was slashed to death in her hotel room. Kristie was ostensibly in Manila to compete in an all-female martial-arts
tournament. When Kat arrives in Manila to investigate her sister's murder and is stonewalled by U.S. embassy officials,
she takes Kristie's place in the tournament, unreasonably (but correctly) assuming that the death must be somehow connected
to the tournament. She also shacks up with Alcatraz (Shaner), an annoyingly smug gambler who somehow manages to lure
Kat to his bachelor pad and his bed.
ANGELFIST is stupid and crudely made, but it certainly isn't
boring. Santiago certainly doesn't believe in shooting many takes (his attempt at using optical zooms to provide instant
coverage for a dialogue scene between Shaner and Sassoon is painful), but at least he stages plenty of fight scenes.
Sassoon's topless karate scene (in which it appears Kat must have been showering in her panties) is the highlight--how could
it not be?--but several other action scenes, usually involving the breakage of cheap wooden furniture, keep the pace moving.
And when women martial artists aren't bashing each other in the ring or Filipino ninjas leaping into battle with one of the
film's stars, Santiago alleviates the silly plot with plenty of gratuitous nudity, including three different shower scenes,
two of which feature statuesque blonde Moore as the kickboxing FBI agent sister's kickboxing FBI agent partner.
I don't know why Vic Diaz and Joe Mari Avellana weren't in
this film, but Santiago regular Ken Metcalfe, who also wrote both TNT JACKSON (with actor Dick Miller) and FIRECRACKER, is
as a U.S. ambassador. Also with Sheila Lintan as a stripper, Tony Carreon, Henry Strzalkowski and Joseph Zucchero.
Stephen Cohn gets music credit, but cues by Concorde/New Horizons honcho Mike Elliot and John Gonzalez are noted in the closing
crawl. Sassoon also appeared in two of Don "The Dragon" Wilson's BLOODFIST movies before apparently retiring from films.
She died of heart failure on New Year's Day 2002 at the age of 33. If you're a fan of naked kung fu, be sure to catch
Corman's fourth stab at it, ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION, with Maria Ford doing the panty-clad buttkicking.
ANGELS' BRIGADE--See ANGEL'S BRIGADE.
ANGELS DIE HARD! (1970)--Directed by
Richard Compton. Stars Tom Baker, Carl Steppling, Connie Nelson, Frank Leo. When a biker is killed after being released from
a small-town jail, his comrades make life difficult for Sheriff Steppling and Deputy Leo. Steppling is the film's villain
though; when he tries to murder Angel leader Baker, his own deputy kills him. Look for appearances by R.G. Armstrong and biker
movie king William Smith. From the director of MACON COUNTY LINE and several LONE GUNMEN episodes.
ANGELS
IN THE OUTFIELD (1994)--Directed by William Dear. Stars Danny Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Too-sentimental
Disney remake of a 1951 film about a sad-sack major league baseball team, the favorite of cute orphan Gordon-Levitt, that
surges to a pennant thanks to the divine intervention of an angel named Al (Lloyd). It's actually very skillfully made; the
script by Dorothy Kingsley, George Wells and Holly Goldberg Sloan pushes every emotional button, and Glover is quite effective
as the crusty team manager who befriends the boy and eventually--against his better judgment--comes to believe in angels.
Nice cast includes Ben Johnson, Brenda Fricker and Tony Danza (who's pretty good here). From the director of HARRY AND THE
HENDERSONS.
ANGELS' REVENGE--See ANGEL'S BRIGADE.
ANIMAL INSTINCTS (1992)--Directed by
Gregory Hippolyte. Stars Shannon Whirry, Maxwell Caulfield, John Saxon, David Carradine. Caulfield is an impotent cop who
videotapes his voluptuous wife having sex with other men (and women). Whirry's fake breasts are pretty impressive, and it's
another career low for Saxon, Carradine and Jan-Michael Vincent, who have small parts. Allegedly based on a true story! The
director makes porno movies as Greg Dark. Whirry was briefly in OUT FOR JUSTICE with Steven Seagal.
ANNA AND
THE KING (1999)--Directed by Andy Tennant. Stars Jodie Foster, Chow Yun-Fat, Bai Ling, Tom Felton, Keith Chin. The
true story of English schoolteacher Anna Leonowens, who became the personal tutor to the 58 children of Siam's King Mongkut
in the 19th century, has been dramatized many times: two motion pictures, a Rodgers and Hammerstein Broadway musical, an animated
feature, even a short-lived '70s TV sitcom (in which Yul Brynner reprised his 1956 film role as the King). The latest retelling,
which stars two-time Oscar winner Jodie Foster as Anna and Hong Kong action superstar Chow Yun-Fat as Mongkut, may not be
the definitive version of Leonowenss story, but it is lushly entertaining, and benefits strongly from its charismatic leads.
It's 1862, and recently widowed Anna and her young son Louis (Felton) have just arrived in Bangkok to begin her new
job teaching the King's oldest son, Prince Chulalongkom (Chin), the heir to the throne. Anna stands out in a culture in which
women are clearly subservient--seen but not heard. The King, at first stunned by her audacious manner--she dares to have opinions,
and even speaks them aloud--assigns her to instruct all of his offspring in Western language, literature and science. Anna
and King Mongkut are the classic Odd Couple, and their differences in attitude, class and culture ignite most of the films
sparks. There's also an insubstantial subplot involving the King's newest concubine, Tiptim (Bai), which could have been easily
excised, and a treacherous plan to overthrow the King, which leads to the movie's only major action set piece heading into
its third hour.
Foster, sporting a crisp British accent, is marvelous as usual, exuding independence, smarts and great
sensitivity in portraying a woman still haunted by her husband's death and nervous at the thought of falling in love again.
As for Chow Yun-Fat, this is the role that should finally transform him into a major American movie star. Best known for his
two-fisted performances in John Woo swatfests, his first two stabs at Hollywood stardom--THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS and THE CORRUPTOR--were
critical and box-office duds. This time around, Chow has chosen a part that seems tailor-made for him, one that allows him
to be both regal and romantic in a way that American audiences haven't seen before. It's a very impressive star turn, and
in a love story in which its protagonists barely even touch each other, the ability of the actors to express themselves internally
is essential.
Director Tennant, a veteran of television sitcoms, surely received the ANNA AND THE KING reins based
upon EVER AFTER, last year's revamping of the Cinderella legend (starring Drew Barrymore) that was a surprise hit. He touches
all the bases here, not only drawing strong performances from his leads, but from the many Asian and child (and presumably
English-impaired) actors as well. He was also smart enough to hire the great Caleb Deschanel (THE NATURAL) as his cinematographer,
who, along with production designer Luciana Arrighi (SENSE AND SENSIBILITY), has created a succulent atmosphere on its authentic
Malaysian (substituting for Thailand) locations. Tennant and editor Roger Bondelli should have spent more time in the editing
bay however, since the film is unable to justify its 147-minute running time. George Fenton's (THE FISHER KING) score is one
of his best, wisely eschewing clichd Oriental sounds for a richer musical palette with specific leitmotifs for the main characters.
The screenplay by Peter Krikes and Steve Meerson is fine, perhaps surprisingly so, since nothing on their resumes, including
the intentionally campy Frankie Avalon-Annette Funicello reunion BACK TO THE BEACH and the first drafts of STAR TREK IV: THE
VOYAGE HOME (which were heavily rewritten by other scribes), would seem to indicate that a big-budget romantic epic is the
type of film for which theyre suited. Also with Randall Duk Kim, Kay Siu Lim, Melissa Campbell and Syed Alwi.
THE
ANNIHILATORS (1985)--Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr. Stars Christopher Stone, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Gerrit
Graham, Andy Wood, Dennis Redfield, Paul Koslo. A crippled Vietnam vet (Redfield) is riddled in his urban Atlanta store
by a gang led by Roy Boy Jagger (Koslo) that has been terrorizing the neighborhood, assaulting, robbing, raping and murdering
with impunity. The other four members of his former squad reassemble to get back at Roy Boy's goons and clean up the
neighborhood. They do so by training the local shopkeepers and citizens in self-defense and by getting into frequent
gun battles with the gang members. While Sellier delivers plenty of action, it's directed without much energy or sense,
and THE ANNIHILATORS lacks the proper edge or sleaze factor to really sell this one to action fans. Also with Jim Antonio,
Becky Harris and John Lawhorn. New World released it.
ANOTHER 48 HOURS (1990)--Directed by
Walter Hill. Stars Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte, Brion James, Ed O'Ross. For two years, San Francisco cop Nolte has been obsessed
with catching the mysterious "Iceman", the biggest drug dealer in the city. He re-teams with old friend and newly released
ex-con Murphy to find him. The "Iceman" turns out to be Nolte's police buddy James. Sure. Like a millionaire drug runner would
still be keeping his job on the police force with its long hours and low pay. Any movie with Brion James is probably worth
seeing, but this sequel is a bit short on laughs and overly generous with scenes of bullets and people shattering glass windows,
tables, etc. Watch the original film again instead. Features Tisha Campbell, Bernie Casey, Andrew Divoff, Page Leong and Kevin
Tighe (EMERGENCY!). Music by James Horner.
ANOTHER STAKEOUT (1993)—Directed by John
Badham. Stars Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez, Rosie O’Donnell, Cathy Moriarty, Dennis Farina, Marcia Strassman.
Badham goes for more comedy and less action in this PG-13 sequel to the successful R-rated 1987 film. Unfortunately,
he also adds O’Donnell, which is never a good thing. As assistant DA Gina, she accompanies Seattle cops Chris
(Dreyfuss) and Bill (Estevez) to a vacation community, where they pose as a family (Bill reluctantly shaves his mustache to
look younger) to stake out their neighbors, Brian (Farina) and Pam (Strassman) O’Hara, in case an in-the-wind government
witness (Moriarty) shows up. The leads have such sharp chemistry that almost anything they did together would have some
laughs, and though Dreyfuss and Estevez’s silliness threatens to overwhelm the plot, it doesn’t quite, and Badham
even manages to put Bill in life-threatening danger that counterbalances Chris and Gina’s farcical dinner party going
on simultaneously. ANOTHER is a forgettable sequel that’s worth a look at least. Also with Miguel Ferrer,
John Rubenstein, Dan Lauria and Madeleine Stowe.
ANTIBODY (2003)--Directed by Christian McIntire.
Stars Lance Henriksen, Robin Givens, Julian Vergov. Ready for a very-low-budget direct-to-video steal of FANTASTIC VOYAGE.
Henriksen plays a welcome lead as Dr. (what he's a doctor of and why it's necessary for his character to be one is never explained)
Richard Gaines, an FBI bomb squad expert who is drummed out of the agency after he takes an unfair hit for a fatal explosion
at the Russian embassy in Washington, D.C. A year later (to the day--seemingly a plot point, but one that leads nowhere),
he's back on his feet in Munich as the head of his own private security agency. While guarding a convention of computer
experts, another terrorist, Moran (Vergov), walks in and takes hostages, claiming to have a nuclear bomb hidden somewhere
in Munich capable of wiping out 2 1/2 million people. The catch is that the detonator is hidden inside his body.
It operates on the electrical current projected from a living organism, and if Moran is killed, the bomb will go off.
Naturally, he is shot by one of Gaines' men, and taken to a secret laboratory experimenting with nanotechnology. The
only way to prevent Munich's destruction is to miniaturize a submarine and crew, including Gaines, and travel through the
comatose Moran's bloodstream in search of the detonator, so that Gaines can hopefully defuse it. The odds of finding
something like that while shrunk to microscopic size ("Fifty of us would fit on the head of a pin.") would seem insurmountable,
but what choice do they have? With icy Dr. Rachel Saverini (Givens) at the controls, the sub plows through the heart
on its way to...well, out there...dodging deadly white corpuscles, creepy bug monsters and even creepier flirting between
Lance and Robin.
ANTIBODY debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel before receiving a
home video release, tagged with an undeserving R rating. Micheal (sic) Baldwin's screenplay is strictly paint-by-numbers,
making sure it contains all the prerequisites of a cheap SF movie: the disgraced hero, the all-business female commander,
a submarine that shoots lasers using video game controllers, a non-descript Euro-baddie, climax on top of climax on top of
climax, none of them particularly exciting or interesting. ANTIBODY isn't a bad movie, so much as a wasteful one and
one terribly reliant on visual effects its meager budget can't cover. The acting, for the most part, is passable for
this kind of movie, but nondescript (except for Given's blue eye shadow). Henriksen is wonderful, though, and easily
the best characteristic of ANTIBODY. He's looser than usual in the role of the disbelieving and slightly skeptical outsider
through whose eyes we witness this scientific marvel. Considering the 24-year age difference between Givens and him,
I doubt the script was penned with Henriksen in mind, and although the romantic subplot is not terribly believable (it wouldn't
be no matter who was cast), he does a terrific job juggling the heroic, comedic and dramatic aspects of the part.
ANTIBODY was filmed in Bulgaria, which explains why most of
the characters--including the Latin ones--speak with Eastern European accents. Seeing Bulgaria sit in for Washington,
D.C. is an unintentionally funny highlight. Also with Gaston Pauls, Teodoro Ivanova, Stella Ivanova (as Henriksen's
half-Bulgarian daughter), Velizer Binev, Kathleen Lambert and William Zabka (THE KARATE KID). Music by Scott Clausen.
McIntire, who also handled editing chores and plays a small acting role, worked with producer Philip Roth on several other
DTV features, including FALCON DOWN and DRAGON FIGHTER. Henriksen has appeared in more than twenty films in the 21st
century, including the third PROPHECY, second MIMIC and seventh HELLRAISER sequels.
ANTS! (1977)—Directed by Robert Scheerer.
Stars Robert Foxworth, Lynda Day George, Gerald Gordon, Myrna Loy, Suzanne Somers, Barry Van Dyke, Bernie Casey, Karen Lamm.
Alan Landsburg produced this Irwin Allen-style disaster movie, TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO and THE SAVAGE BEES within about
a year. A quaint lakeside hotel is invaded by a horde of hungry ants, which have adapted to years of pesticides and
insecticides and become impervious to normal means of extinguishment. Among the potential victims are construction workers
Foxworth and Casey, hotel owner Loy and her daughter George, greedy developer Gordon and his mistress Somers, hunky lifeguard
Van Dyke and loose hitchhiker Lamm. You pretty much know how this will play out, although the surprisingly quiet climax
is an unusual touch. Brian Dennehy scores as the fire chief. Also with Anita Gillette, Steve Franken, Rene Enriquez
(HILL STREET BLUES) and Moosie Drier. Writer Guerdon Trueblood penned not only THE SAVAGE BEES, but also its sequel
(!) TERROR OUT OF THE SKY. Also known as IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR.
ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980)--Directed by
Buddy Van Horn. Stars Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Geoffrey Lewis, Ruth Gordon, William Smith, Harry Guardino. Sequel to
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE finds the whole gang--tough mechanic Eastwood, girlfriend Locke, dimwitted sidekick Lewis, senile
mother Gordon, and Clyde the orangutan--in Wyoming, where Clint is forced to battle tough guy Smith in a no-holds-barred bare-knuckles
brawl. After Smith breaks Clint's arm, Eastwood refuses to quit and wins the fight with one arm! You'll find yourself smiling,
even though you won't know why. Director Van Horn frequently serves as stunt coordinator on Eastwood movies. I saw this on
an airplane on the way to Amsterdam.
ANYTHING ELSE (2003)--Directed by Woody Allen.
Stars Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci, Woody Allen. ANYTHING ELSE is the latest feature film from director Woody Allen,
his 35th. I tell you this as a courtesy, because if you've only heard of this movie through its trailers, you could
very well be unaware of Allen's involvement. ANYTHING ELSE is the auteur's fourth film for DreamWorks, which seems determined
to sucker young audiences into seeing a light romantic comedy starring twentysomethings Jason Biggs (AMERICAN PIE) and Christina
Ricci (SLEEPY HOLLOW). Allen, who also has a major supporting role, is barely referenced in most of the marketing, including
the poster, which states "Written and Directed by Woody Allen" only in tiny print at the very bottom. I can't say that
I understand DreamWorks' strategy. By de-emphasizing Allen in the trailers, it keeps his loyal fanbase away from the
movie, simply because they don't know that it's A Woody Allen Film. But when the "teen multiplex" audience DreamWorks is obviously
seeking gets into the theater and realizes in the first few minutes they've been suckered into seeing something other than
what the advertising promises, they'll likely be left frustrated and unlikely to spread positive word-of-mouth. So you have
a marketing campaign that serves no one.
I guess it falls to me to reveal that, indeed, ANYTHING ELSE
is written and directed by Woody Allen. Now, is it any good? The answer is yes. Kind of, although it might
be more interesting as a peek into the Woodman's psyche and his views on women, which appear to be a tad on the grumpy side.
Jerry Falk (Biggs) is a young comedy writer involved in a high-maintenance relationship with Amanda (Ricci), an aspiring actress
on the neurotic side. That's a bit of an understatement. Amanda is a psychiatrist's dream--flaky, insecure, afraid
of commitment, unable to sleep without taking pills, uninterested in sex--a conglomeration of every crazy girlfriend you've
ever had. But Jerry, the big lug, loves her anyway, probably because he has a few emotional foibles of his own and finds
her uncultivated spontaneity uncommonly stimulating. He regularly visits a shrink, but finds a more useful muse in his
friend David Dobel (Allen), a 60-year-old schoolteacher and fellow comedy writer who uses words like "hebetudinous" and regularly
pontificates on everything from women and masturbation habits to quantum physics and the Holocaust.
As we know, Allen is something of an expert on the subject
of eccentric lovers, and he has created a real beaut in Amanda. Jerry and Amanda are clearly stand-ins for Woody and
Diane Keaton (his former real-life companion and Oscar-winning co-star in ANNIE HALL), and ANYTHING ELSE, more than anything
else, illustrates what unique screen talents they are. Neither Biggs nor Ricci are up to the task of "playing"
Allen and Keaton, but it was wrong to ask them to. Allen's stagy dialogue sounds wonderful coming out of his mouth,
as Dobel tells jokes, waxes profoundly on the wisdom buried inside Henny Youngman one-liners, and explains why Jerry needs
a Russian rifle in his apartment for protection, but a little stiff as spoken by his younger castmates, who aren't yet capable
of projecting the screen maturity necessary to make it work. Without that extra flash, the film grinds to a halt during
their frequent domestic spats, only building up steam when Allen is center stage. Maybe it's because he isn't feeling
the pressure of playing the lead, but Woody feels like he's going for broke in his performance, channeling violent pangs of
angry frustration that we have rarely seen in him before. It's probably how he felt when he learned DreamWorks' plan
to market his quietly intelligent film to the DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR? crowd. Cinematographer Darius Khondji (SE7EN) confidently
captures Central Park's autumn backdrop, making ANYTHING ELSE one of Allen's best-looking recent pictures. Also with
Stockard Channing, Danny DeVito, Diana Krall, Fisher Stevens, Jimmy Fallon, KaDee Strickland, Carson Grant and Erica Leerhsen.
THE APE (1940)--Directed by William Nigh.
Stars Boris Karloff, Maris Wrixon, Gene O'Donnell. Perhaps the most foolish film of Karloff's distinguished career, Dear Boris
plays a kindly mad scientist who, in attempting to cure a pretty polio victim, murders people while disguised as an ape (!)
and steals their spinal fluid for use in his experimental serum. Karloff had signed a short-term contract with poverty-row
Monogram, and burned off his commitment with this 62-minute "horror".
APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)--Directed
by Francis Ford Coppola. Stars Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, and Marlon Brando. Depending upon who you talk to, it's either
one of the most brilliant or one of the most pretentious films ever made. I find it to be engrossing until the arrival of
Brando in the final half-hour. It seems like even Coppola, who reportedly shot several endings, had no idea how to end the
film. Plot is taken from Joseph Conrad's novel HEARTS OF DARKNESS, and stars Sheen as a U.S. government agent assigned to
hunt down and assassinate renegade soldier Brando, who has appointed himself the godlike leader of a group of North Vietnamese
natives. Along the way, Sheen finds himself experiencing the madness called the Vietnam War. Duvall is unforgettable in his
scene as the crazed American colonel who "loves the smell of napalm in the morning." Look for Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper,
Scott Glenn, G.D. Spradlin and 15-year-old Larry Fishburne in small roles. Vittorio Storaro won a Best Cinematography Oscar.
Production design by Dean Tavoularis. Also see HEARTS OF DARKNESS, Eleanor Coppola's (Francis Ford's wife) excellent documentary
on the trouble-filled making of APOCALYPSE NOW.
THE APPLE (1980)--Directed by Menahem Golan.
Stars George Gilmour, Catherine Mary Stewart, Vladek Sheybal, Alan Love, Grace Kennedy. Ever wondered what a futuristic
rock musical made by the taste-challenged director of THE DELTA FORCE would look like? Golan, who had purchased the
Cannon Group in 1979 along with his cousin Yoram Globus, wrote and directed this notorious misfire, which hit theaters the
same year as XANADU and CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. Set in 1994, THE APPLE is a hamfisted allegory about young lovers Alphie
(Gilmour) and Bibi (Stewart), a pair of soft-rock musicians who are recruited by devilish rock impresario Boogalow (Sheybal)
for his record label. Alphie sees through Boogalow's demonic allure and walks away, but Bibi sells her soul, receiving
fame, fortune and glory in return.
I shouldn't be surprised, but quite a cult has formed around
THE APPLE in recent years. Don't be fooled--THE APPLE is terrible in every conceivable manner in which a film could
be terrible. It's one of the ugliest films I've ever seen, awash with putrid costuming, garish makeup (face-painting
being all the rage in 1994) and cheap sets. The dialogue penned by Golan is laughable, as are the performances.
Most importantly, the songs--the be-all and end-all in every movie musical--are among the most insipid ever performed on the
big screen, a mixture of pop, disco, rap and even reggae tossed into the mix. Composer George S. Clinton later redeemed
himself with good scores for later Cannon features and bringing a sly wit to his AUSTIN POWERS soundtracks, but fellow songwriters
Coby and Iris Recht appears to have thankfully vanished from film music in the years since THE APPLE. Filmed in West
Germany. Cannon later produced other music-oriented films, such as RAPPIN' and the BREAKIN' series, but no more full-fledged
musicals in which the characters spontaneously burst into song. Golan's next as a director was the very successful ENTER
THE NINJA.
THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG (1975)--Directed by
Norman Tokar. Stars Bill Bixby, Susan Clark, Don Knotts, Tim Conway. Okay Walt Disney comedy about an Old West gambler (Bixby)
who becomes the guardian of three children. Knotts and Conway steal the movie as a pair of bumbling bank robbers.
THE
APPLE DUMPLING GANG RIDES AGAIN (1979)--Directed by Vincent McEveety. Stars Tim Conway, Don Knotts, Tim Matheson,
Kenneth Mars. Bumbling outlaws Conway and Knotts try to go straight, but are framed for a robbery and are chased by sheriff
Mars. Routine Walt Disney comedy set in the Old West.
APRIL FOOL'S DAY (1986)--Directed by Fred Walton.
Stars Deborah Foreman, Griffin O'Neal, Amy Steel. A rich teenager named Muffy (Foreman) throws a weekend party for her friends
on a remote island. The party stops being fun when the teens start getting killed off one by one. The title gives away the
(frustrating) twist ending. Not bad variation on the teen-slasher genre. From the director of WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. Written
by Danilo Bach, who also worked on the Oscar-nominated script of BEVERLY HILLS COP. Also with Clayton Rohner (G vs E), Deborah
Goodrich and Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the BACK TO THE FUTURE movies).
ARACHNID (2001)—Directed by Jack Sholder.
Stars Chris Potter, Alex Reid, Jose Sancho. Producer Brian Yuzna’s (REANIMATOR) Spanish company Fantastic Factory
lensed this killer-spider movie in Mexico. As these things go, it isn’t too bad. A mixed group of scientists
and soldiers crash their plane on a South Pacific island filled with giant spiders, which have been mutated through contact
with a dying alien race. Or something like that. The opening, with a U.S. Air Force pilot crashing there and apparently
contacting a flying saucer, is confusing and hardly seems worth the effort. It’s a deserted island populated by
giant killer spiders; why stir the pot? The low-budget effects are quite good—a combination of CGI and life-size
animatronics. The actors (many of whom are dubbed) are capable, led by former TV star Potter (KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES),
and Mark Sevi’s screenplay doesn’t contain the leaps of logic and the unlikable characters that often populate
the genre. Also give credit to director Sholder, a capable action director clearly slumming for Fantastic Factory.
ARACHNOPHOBIA
(1990)--Directed by Frank Marshall. Stars Jeff Daniels, Harley Jane Kozak, John Goodman, Julian Sands. Good old-fashioned
monster movie about a lethal spider that makes its way from a South American jungle to a California barn belonging to Daniels
and Kozak and starts breeding. No gore, but lots of thrills in the Spielberg mode. Goodman is great as a gung-ho bug exterminator.
The title means "fear of spiders". You may come down with it after viewing this. Also features Stuart Pankin, Henry Jones
and Mark L. Taylor. Screenplay by Don Jakoby and Wesley Strick. Music by Trevor Jones.
ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? (1978)—Directed
by Walter Grauman. Stars Kathleen Beller, Tony Bill, Blythe Danner, Scott Colomby. Despite the title, this made-for-TV
feature isn’t a horror movie. I’m not sure what it’s trying to be; it’s neither a thriller nor
a procedural, and despite its subject matter, doesn’t have much to say about the subject of rape. The performances
are good, but what’s the point Grauman and writer Judith Parker are trying to make? Perhaps Richard Peck’s
novel, from which this CBS movie was adapted, can answer that question. High-school student Gail (Beller with hair to
her waist) is raped during the opening titles. The next hour is a flashback showing Gail’s life at school and
her relationships with her parents (Danner, Bill) and new boyfriend Steve (Colomby). It also establishes a number of
red herrings. When we discover the rapist’s identity, the film shifts gears and becomes a superficial examination
of Gail and her family coming to grips with her attack and the fact that her attacker is known to her. It all wraps
up (too) quickly and leaves some important questions unanswered. Grauman’s nimble visual style and Beller’s
porcelain performance make the movie not a total loss. Also with Alan Fudge, Tricia O’Neil, Ellen Travolta, Robin
Mattson and Dennis Quaid, one year before BREAKING AWAY.
THE ARENA (1973)--Directed by Steve Carver.
Stars Margaret Markov, Pam Grier, Paul Muller. "Do you mean we have to satisfy their animal heat?" Girlfights,
nudity, revolt, racism, shower scenes, whippings, betrayal--sounds like another of New World's classic women-in-prison vehicles,
doesn't it? And that's really what THE ARENA is, a sleazy and violent WIP set amid the squalor and slavery of ancient
Rome. The stars of BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA, Pam Grier and Margaret Markov, reunite as Mamawi and Bodicia, slave girls
forced to serve the decadent Roman upper-class during violent gladiator matches to the death. While the rulers wring
their hands at the games' dwindling box office, corpulent Lucilius (Muller) hits upon the idea of female gladiators, enlisting
the sexy slaves for armed fights to the death in the arena. If you've seen enough 1970's drive-in movies about beautiful
female prisoners pushed to the limit by a cruel environment, you know a bloody revolt is in order. Various body parts
fly as these sensual sword-slingers carve a gory swath to freedom, led by black mama Grier and white mama Markov.
THE ARENA should be better than it is, considering the cult names
perched behind the camera. Director Steve Carver also made BIG BAD MAMA and CAPONE for New World before launching a
career in directing major studio exploitation like DRUM (also with Grier) and the incredible LONE WOLF MCQUADE. Future
PIRANHA director Joe Dante edited the picture with Italians Francesco de Masi and Aristide Massacceni (also known to American
audiences as "Joe D'Amato") hired to compose and photograph it, respectively. There's more action than talk, a good
thing considering the execrable dialogue penned by John and Joyce Corrington (THE OMEGA MAN), and Carver nicely serves up
a few helpings of wet and oily female nudity (including both leads) to complement the gore. However, THE ARENA contains
little, besides the Roman angle, you haven't seen done better before, and New Horizon/Concorde's DVD presents Massacceni's
widescreen cinematography in a cropped 1.33:1 format that chops the battle scenes almost in half. Also with LADY FRANKENSTEIN's
Rosalba Neri (as "Sara Bay"), Lucretia Love, Marie Louise, Sid Lawrence as a swishy gay stereotype and Daniele Vargas.
Filmed in Italy. Executive producer Corman's old HOUSE OF USHER star Mark Damon was the producer. THE ARENA was
released on home video as NAKED WARRIORS and was remade in 2001 with PLAYBOY Playmate Karen McDougal and the Corringtons'
original screenplay.
ARENA (1991)--Directed by Peter Manoogian.
Stars Paul Satterfield, Claudia Christian, Hamilton Camp. Empire sat on this one for three years before releasing it.
It's a juvenile PG-13 SF movie about as edgy as MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. Hunky Steve Armstrong (Satterfield) enters
an intergalactic fighting competition in which no human has ever won. This gives John Carl Buechler an opportunity to
build a bunch of rubber-suited monsters, but Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo's (TRANCERS) screenplay isn't very involving and
neither are the fight scenes. Christian manages some energy as Satterfield's Burgess Meredith, but Shari Shattuck provides
the eye candy in a non-nude sex scene. Also with Marc Alaimo, Armin Shimerman and Jack Carter. Music by Richard
Band. From the director of ELIMINATORS.
THE ARISTOCRATS (2005)--Directed by Paul Provenza.
Stars Robin Williams, George Carlin and practically every standup comic alive. THE ARISTOCRATS is the most foul, profane
film I've seen in a long time. Maybe ever. It's also blisteringly funny and, yes, even educational as an insider's look at
how comedy works and how comedians think. Unlike the good COMEDIAN, which examined how comics like Jerry Seinfeld prepare
for their standup act, THE ARISTOCRATS takes a look at one joke from the perspective of dozens of the finest comic minds in
the world (Albert Brooks, Seinfeld, Bill Cosby, and Robert Klein are notably absent).
The joke is legendary among comedians, who rarely if ever tell the
joke onstage as part of their act. Rather, they use it to entertain each other as a sort of folk tale that passes along from
generation to generation. Kind of like the Uncle Remus of jokes. As is mentioned in the documentary, the art of the joke comes
from "the singer, not the song". It's structured like a piece of jazz, to be riffed and improvised to the artist's content.
All the comedian needs to do is begin and end the joke the same way. It's the filling that's the point.
The joke begins more or less with, "A man walks into a talent agent's
office." He tells the agent he has an act. The agent says, "OK, you've got two minutes. Show me what you've got." The punchline--eventually--is
the agent asking the name of the act, and the man answering, "The Aristocrats." In between these bookends, the joke teller
embarks on a pathological, scatological litany of grossness intended to make the audience's ears bleed. No bodily fluid, no
taboo, no sexual act, no vocabulary is verboten. The point is to describe the most tasteless, bizarre, disturbing act possible,
usually involving shitting, pissing, bestiality, incest, you name it.
Director Paul Provenza and co-producer Penn Jillette, well-known
comics themselves, took their cameras all over the country, recording famous comedians of all ages telling the joke, relating
when they first heard it and who told it to them, and their philosophy behind its humor. Some just tell it straight out. Some,
like Larry Storch (F TROOP) and Hank Azaria, use funny accents. Kevin Pollak does it with a Christopher Walken impression
(the DVD extras include a clip of him doing it as Albert Brooks, which might be the most fucking brilliant piece of video
on the entire disc). Sarah Silverman tells it as if she were one of the Aristocrats and claims she was raped as a little girl
by talk-show host Joe Franklin. Richard Lewis says the joke is "a piece of shit." Chris Rock not only doesn't tell it, he
doesn't appear to see the point of it. It sounds strange coming from the softspoken Rita Rudner. One highlight is Tommy Smothers
telling it to his brother Dick, who amazingly has never before heard it and doesn't think it's funny. Martin Mull tells a
different joke using "Aristocrats" as a punchline, which I appreciated because I recognized it as the "Bongo Bongo" joke that
I heard back in the 1970's and have never heard anyone else besides me tell in the decades since.
Some of the bigger names pissing, shitting and fucking all over
this joke in the film are Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, George Carlin, Drew Carey, Paul Reiser (extremely funny), Jason
Alexander and Don Rickles. It was fun seeing older comics like Phyllis Diller, Chuck McCann (also really funny), Rip Taylor,
Eric Idle, David Brenner, and Shelley Berman going at it. Also appearing: Bill Maher, Allan Havey, David Steinberg, Michael
McKean, Harry Shearer, Fred Willard, Dom Irrera, Larry Miller, David Steinberg...pretty much anyone who's done standup on
THE TONIGHT SHOW anytime within the last thirty years.
The biggest laughs are reserved for Bob Saget (who did a similarly
sick and hilarious guest shot on ENTOURAGE recently), whose inventively sick rendition would make the heads of his FULL HOUSE
fans explode, and Gilbert Gottfried, who told it a couple of weeks after September 11, 2001 at a Friars Club roast and brought
the audience to its knees with laughter.
THE ARISTOCRATS is dedicated to Johnny Carson, who reportedly loved
the joke and was a friend of sorts to nearly everyone in the picture. Dana Gould tells the joke with a funny Carson impression
that feels appropriate. The movie was released unrated--it certainly would have gotten an NC-17 from the MPAA--and it
isn't for prudes. It is essential for students of comedy and for those who aren't afraid of bad taste.
ARIZONA HEAT (1988)--Directed by John G.
Thomas. Stars Michael Parks, Denise Crosby. A butch lesbian teams up with a tough-talking cop in the Arizona desert to track
a serial killer. Low budget. Parks is always fascinating to watch. Denise, who played a similar role during the first season
of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, has a brief topless scene.
ARLINGTON ROAD (1999)--Directed by Mark Pellington.
Stars Jeff Bridges, Tim Robbins, Joan Cusack, Hope Davis. So long as you don't think too much about the implausibilities
in Ehren Kruger's (SCREAM 3) screenplay, ARLINGTON ROAD is an effectively paranoid and quite suspenseful thriller that might
have suffered at the box office from an ineffective marketing campaign. Michael Faraday (Bridges), a George Washington
University professor teaching a course in Terrorism in America, strikes up a friendship with the normal suburban couple next
door, Oliver (Robbins) and Cheryl (Cusack) Lang. Their sons are the same age, a major commonality in their relationship,
and Michael could use the companionship--he's also rebounding from the death of his FBI agent wife a couple of years earlier
by dating his graduate assistant Brooke (Davis). The Langs seem too good to be true. And maybe they are, since
Michael soon has reason to believe the couple may be terrorists themselves. I won't say much more about Kruger's story
except that, as helmed by Pellington (THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES) and driven by the always believable Bridges, it contains several
points and twists that will indeed surprise and even stun you, even as it pulls you to the edge of your seat. Pellington's
second feature suffers from slight pacing problems in the middle, but ace technical credits and an effectively creepy score
by Angelo Badalamenti and tomandandy keep it from flagging much. Also with Robert Gossett, Mason Gamble, Sid Hillman,
Spencer Clark and Stanley Anderson. Houston does a nice job filling in for Washington, D.C., although Pellington did
shoot a few scenes in the capital.
ARMAGEDDON (1998)--Directed by Michael Bay.
Stars Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck. THE DIRTY DOZEN meets METEOR. Except both those movies (yes,
even the huge disaster-movie flop starring Sean Connery) are more worthy of your time than this overlong, overloud and overly
pretentious dud. It takes Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer 150 minutes to tell the story of a runaway asteroid on a collision
course for Earth and the maverick band of dirty oil riggers NASA hires to stop it. With all the faculties at the government's
disposal, the only way to stop Earth's destruction is to take some oil riggers into space on a shuttle, land on the asteroid,
drill into the surface, and plant a nuclear device to explode it into smithereens. Which might be a fun (if implausible) 90-minute
adventure. Instead, we get a number of dull subplots, underdeveloped characters and poorly directed action scenes that seem
plopped in at intervals designed to wake up the short-attention-span set. Bruce plays Bruce (again), Thornton is actually
very good as the frustrated NASA chief, but Tyler's character--the daughter of a jealous Willis and fianc of Affleck--really
should have been cut out of the movie. She seems to be there only to fool trailer watchers into thinking this was another
TITANIC. Steve Buscemi has some funny lines as the perpetually horny Rockhound, but most of the rest of the cast seems interchangeable,
and Trevor Rabin's repetitive score will rot your nerves. Also with Peter Stormare, and look for Shawnee Smith, Udo Kier,
Christian Clemenson and director Bay in small bits.
ARMED AND DANGEROUS (1986)--Directed by Mark
L. Lester. Stars John Candy, Eugene Levy, Robert Loggia, Kenneth McMillan. Lester, whose background was in drive-in
fare like TRUCK STOP WOMEN and CLASS OF '84, seems like an odd choice to direct a slapstick comedy starring two SCTV actors.
I like to describe ARMED AND DANGEROUS as one of those middling '80s comedies that everyone has seen, yet no one remembers.
It's certainly an amiable time while you're watching, but it tends not to stick around in your brain very long.
Frank Dooley (Candy), an ex-cop who was bounced from the force
for a crime he didn't commit, takes a job at a security firm owned by crusty Captain O'Connell (McMillan), where he is partnered
with meek lawyer Norman Kane (Levy, in a role reportedly planned for Candy's SPLASH co-star Tom Hanks). Their first
night on the job has them guarding a warehouse, which is hijacked by a pair of masked, machine-gun-toting thugs. O'Connell
and union boss Michael Carlino (Loggia) blame Frank and Norm for letting the bad guys get away, spurring Dooley and his reluctant
partner to solve the mystery, which isn't much of one for the audience.
While it's nice to see Dr. Tongue and Bruno working together
on the big screen, there's little in ARMED to recommend it except an easy-going 90 minutes. Lester stages a few decent
changes and the chemistry between Levy and Candy is fun. Steve Railsback provides an oddly comic cameo as a truck driver,
and Meg Ryan is cute as a button playing Levy's love interest. Also with Don Stroud, Brion James, Jonathan Banks, Larry
Hankin, Judy Landers, Bruce Kirby, James Tolkan, Tiny Lister, David Hess, Nicholas Worth and K.C. Winkler. Music by
James diPasquale. Should be funnier, considering the heavyweights who wrote it: Harold Ramis, Peter Torokvei, James
Keach and Brian Grazer.
ARMED RESPONSE (1986)—Directed by Fred Olen
Ray. Stars David Carradine, Lee Van Cleef, Mako, Brent Huff. One of Ray’s earliest films is this lifeless
action thriller with a good cast. Bar owner Carradine, his private-investigator brother Huff, and their ex-cop dad Van
Cleef go into revenge mode when a third son is murdered by Mako’s minions, who are looking for an antique statue.
The jade is just the McGuffin that keeps all the characters running around frantically. The story and performances aren’t
much to get excited about, but Mako has some good scenes, and it’s fun to see Dick Miller, Laurene Landon, Michael Berryman,
Ross Hagen, Burr DeBenning, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and a topless Michelle Bauer appear.
ARMORED CAR ROBBERY (1950)--Directed by Richard
Fleischer. Stars Charles McGraw, Adele Jergens, William Talman, Don McGuire. Tough and taut programmer that delivers exactly
as advertised. A band of four crooks, led by mysterious leader Dave Purvis (Talman), knock off an armored car in front of
Los Angeles's Wrigley Field, killing a cop in the process. One of the robbers is wounded, but all four make a clean getaway.
Lt. Cordell (McGraw), whose partner was the dead cop, is teamed with a green rookie (McGuire), and becomes obsessed with Purvis
capture. His best lead is an exotic dancer named Yvonne LeDoux (Jergens), who's married to the wounded gang member, but carrying
on an affair with Purvis. At 67 minutes, it's a pretty solid film noir, with McGraw and Talman delivering substantial performances.
Fleischer went on to bigger-budgeted productions like 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA and THE BOSTON STRANGLER. Talman, who excelled
at portraying psychos, found his greatest fame as Raymond Burr's perpetual foil, District Attorney Hamilton Burger, on TV's
PERRY MASON. Decent cast includes Gene Evans, Douglas Fowley, Steve Brodie, James Flavin, Anne Nagel and Carey Loftin. Co-star
McGuire soon ditched acting and slid behind the camera, directing Jerry Lewis first solo film, THE DELICATE DELINQUENT, and
earning an Oscar nomination for co-writing the screenplay of TOOTSIE. McGuire passed away in 1999.
ARMSTRONG (1998)--Directed by Menahem Golan.
Stars Joe Lara, Frank Zagarino, Kimberley Kates, Charles Napier, Richard Lynch. Zagarino is Rod Armstrong, former Navy
SEAL and CIA operative now working as a freelancer in Russia training Colonel Zukov's (Lynch) soldiers. When his former
boss Zorkin (Napier) is murdered by an American mobster called Ponytail (Lara) in Armstrong's apartment, he teams up with
Zorkin's sexy young widow Susan (Kates, who has a nude scene) to investigate, leading him to discover a secret cache of nuclear
warheads and corruption within the upper ranks of the Russian government. Quite frankly, ARMSTRONG doesn't hold much
of interest outside of its familiar cast and Bulgarian locations. Former Cannon head Golan directs the action well enough,
but his screenplay is ludicrous, suspenseless and loaded with knuckleheaded dialogue that its drama-challenged leads are unable
to conquer. ARMSTRONG isn't awful; it's just not very interesting, one of several hundred direct-to-video actioners
exactly like it.
ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993)--Directed by Sam Raimi.
Stars Bruce Campbell, Embeth Davidtz. Filmed as EVIL DEAD 3, but I guess Universal wanted to disguise the fact that this is
a sequel to two of the goriest films ever made. Director Raimi (who also produced with Robert Tapert and star Campbell) toned
down the violence and upped the slapstick content, making this a more mainstream, yet very satisfying, film. Campbell returns
as Ash, who is transported with his chainsaw, shotgun and junk-filled jalopy into the Dark Ages. He can get home by retrieving
the Book of the Dead and reciting the proper phrase, but he forgets the exact words, and must do battle with skeletal warriors,
zombies and miniature versions of himself! Filled with allusions to NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS, THE
MANSTER, the Three Stooges and more. Campbell is a terrific hero--actually more of a parody of a hero. With his rubbery features,
lantern jaw and skill at physical humor, Campbell turns Ash into one of the dumbest good guys in horror-movie history. Cast
includes Marcus Gilbert, Richard Grove, Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt of TV's SEINFELD), directors William Lustig, Josh Becker,
Harley Cokliss and Bernard Rose, and Ted Raimi in a brief bit. Bridget Fonda has a mysterious cameo. Music by Joseph LoDuca
and Danny Elfman. Great fun.
ARMY OF ONE (1993)--Directed by Vic Armstrong.
Stars Dolph Lundgren, George Segal, Kristian Alfonso. The only feature film directed by noted British stuntman Armstrong,
ARMY OF ONE is heavy on action, as you would expect, and a better-than-average thriller. Steven Pressfield’s story
contains a lot of rubbish, but the relationship between escaped convict Lundgren and hostage Alfonso (DAYS OF OUR LIVES) is
well-rounded and even generates a bit of steam in their love scenes. Wellman Santee (Dolph), on his way to prison on
a trumped-up cop-killing charge, escapes into the desert from the deputies sent to kill him. Severance (Segal), the
cop on his trail, is also the one who framed him. The stakes are raised when Severance, fearing Santee may have told
her too much, also puts a bounty on the head of Rita Marrick (Alfonso), a fetching deputy traveling with Santee as a hostage.
Originally filmed as JOSHUA TREE, ARMY OF ONE suffers from some minor slop typical of a first-time director (such as crewmembers
reflected in shiny car exteriors), but Armstrong appears to have put as much work into the dramatic scenes and the characters
as he did into the exciting action scenes. The result is one of Lundgren’s best movies. Also with Beau Starr,
Geoffrey Lewis, Bert Remsen, Michelle Phillips, Khandi Alexander, Nick Chinlund, Al Leong, Matt Battaglia and Ken Foree.
Music by Joel Goldsmith. Filmed around Lone Pine, California.
THE AROUSERS (1970)--Directed by Curtis Hanson. Stars Tab Hunter, Cherie Latimer, Nadyne Turney.
First feature directed by Hanson, who would later win an Academy Award for his screenplay for L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, a film he
also helmed. Filmed in '70 but not released until Roger Corman's New World Pictures picked it up in '72, it was probably considered
too sleazy and low-budget for mainstream theaters, yet too good and containing not enough action for the drive-in circuit.
39-year-old Hunter is excellent as Eddie
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