ALIEN: RESURRECTION (1997)--Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeuret. Stars Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Dominique Pinon, Michael Wincott. Pointless retread that should bury the ALIEN series once and for all. Ripley (Weaver, who is pretty good), who committed suicide in the previous film after discovering she was pregnant with the last remaining Queen, is brought back as a clone 200 years later by military scientists drifting in unprotected space. She is revived in order to extract the Queen from her, so the scientists can create a new species of creatures. Why? I don't really know, but suffice to say that there is absolutely nothing here that hasn't been done or said many times before. The sets and special effects are appropriately dark and creepy, but Ryder is miscast as an android pirate, and the story by Joss Whedon (SPEED) makes less sense as the film goes along. The always interesting Brad Dourif puts in an appearance as a scientist. Dull score by John Frizzell.

Like other Ray extravaganzas, ALIENATOR is mostly fun to watch just to see how drunk its cast is.  Vincent in particular looks plastered, even to the point of slurring his dialogue.  That's why it's so surprising that Law is pretty good, maybe because he actually believes in Ray and writer Paul Garson's hackneyed premise or maybe just because he's a professional.  Robert Quarry (COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE) put in a day of work as an alcoholic doctor, Leo Gordon (THE INTRUDER) is convincingly badass as a war vet, P.J. Soles (ROCK 'N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL) still looks foxy as Vincent's assistant, Robert Clarke (THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON) embarrasses himself as Vincent's stuffy superior, and Hoke Howell (GRAND THEFT AUTO) and Fox Harris (FORBIDDEN WORLD) in his last role play a couple of hillbilly hunters.  I'd be surprised if it took Ray more than ten days to make it.  Also with Ray's talent-challenged wife Dawn Wildsmith, Richard Wiley, Jay Richardson, Dan Golden and Joe Pilato.

Note:  When I first wrote this, I made a reference to Chuck Cirino's "droning" score.  Later, I received an e-mail from Cirino that denied the score was his, even though he receives on-screen credit for it.  With his permission, I have printed Cirino's version of what happened concerning the ALIENATOR music below:

The movie was shot in about 5 days.  I also scored it in about 5 days.  (Director) Fred (Olen Ray) and producer Jeff (Hogue) were very happy with the score when it was done.  Later, Fred was the one who told me the distributors were replacing it but he didn't seem to know the reason.  My score was melodically unique but electronic in its execution and style --  yet I have reused cues in one of my own productions:  http://www.weirdtv.com   So it couldn't have been that bad.

This was an ultra-low budget production from square one.   I surmise that because I retained ownership of the complete soundtrack (writer's share and publisher's share), the only sane reason to replace an okay score with a bad one would be to own the music outright (and collect the royalties worldwide -- something I would still be doing if they had kept my score intact).    

I do not know who they hired to re-score it.   All I know is what is evident:  The new composer must have had three hours to redo the whole thing.  The distributors didn't even have the decency to change the opening title credits - that would have cost them more money.  Fred told me he would have been happier with the original score - but it was not his choice.  If anyone would like to take the credit for scoring this film, please step forward and claim your right.  For God's sake, you deserve it.

ALIENS (1986)--Directed by James Cameron. Stars Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser, Carrie Henn, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, Jenette Goldstein. Sequel finds Weaver returning to the alien's home planet after 38 years in suspended animation, but this time she's accompanied by a band of soldiers led by Biehn and a slimy government flunky (well played by comedian Reiser). More of a straight action picture than a horror tale, the bloodletting begins early and doesn't let up until the truly nail-biting climax. Weaver was nominated for an Oscar for her performance--an extremely rare achievement for a genre film. Stan Winston's visual effects did win an Oscar. Lance Henriksen is interesting as a sympathetic android. Music by James Horner. "Game over, man! Game over!"

ALL OF ME (1984)--Directed by Carl Reiner. Stars Steve Martin, Lily Tomlin, Victoria Tennant, Richard Libertini. A mystical experiment goes awry, and the soul of a cruel millionairess (Tomlin) is transferred into the body of a lawyer, played by Martin. Excellent performance by Martin, who was named Best Actor by the New York Film Critics, but was inexplicably denied an Oscar nomination. Scenes of Martin wrestling for control of his own body are very funny indeed. Reiner's direction is flat as always, but a good script by Phil Alden Robinson (FIELD OF DREAMS) and Martin's performance make this worth seeing. Also with Madolyn Smith and Dana Elcar.

ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976)--Directed by Alan J. Pakula. Stars Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Jason Robards, Jack Warden, Hal Holbrook. Exciting political thriller based upon the best-selling novel by Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. Redford and Hoffman are Woodward and Bernstein, the guys who broke the Watergate story and catapulted to fame. The film shows newspaper work to be pretty tedious most of the time--making phone calls, doing rewrites, putting puzzle pieces together one at a time--yet the movie is well-paced and very exciting. Holbrook plays the mysterious Deep Throat, who only meets Redford in spooky dark parking garages. Robards won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as Post editor Ben Bradlee; so did William Goldman's screenplay. It was also nominated for Best Picture, but somehow lost to ROCKY. Also with John McMartin, Robert Walden, Stephen Collins and Martin Balsam. Music by David Shire.

ALLIGATOR (1980)--Directed by Lewis Teague.  Stars Robert Forster, Robin Riker.  John Sayles penned this tongue-in-cheek “what if” horror movie set in the Midwest.  As in, “what if those urban legends about gators in the sewers were true.“  The always reliable Forster stars as a police detective investigating a series of mysterious disappearances set in and around the sewer system.  Not that anyone believes him, but he soon discovers the cause:  a baby alligator (named Ramon) which was flushed down a toilet ten years earlier and has grown to immense size, thanks to the various wastes flowing around down there.  Obviously inspired by JAWS (or more likely PIRANHA, which also was penned by Sayles), ALLIGATOR is great fun, mixing action, horror and laughs, and held together by Forster’s solid performance.  Pretty Riker does fine as the love interest, and cult-movie fans will get a kick out seeing Dean Jagger, Henry Silva, Sydney Lassick and Jack Carter getting munched on.  Also with Angel Tompkins, Michael V. Gazzo, Bart Braverman, Perry Lang and Sue Lyon.  Teague did FIGHTING BACK next.

THE ALLNIGHTER (1987)--Directed by Tamar Simon Hoffs. Stars Susanna Hoffs, Joan Cusack, Michael Ontkean, Dedee Pfeiffer (Michelle's sister), John Terlesky. Bangles lead singer Hoffs stars in this dumb teen comedy directed by her mom. On the night before graduation, roommates Molly (Hoffs), Val (Pfeiffer) and Gina (Cusack) get into all kinds of mischief, including Molly falling for a rock star (Ontkean) and Val and Gina being arrested for soliciting. Surprisingly, Hoffs doesn't do any singing, which is too bad, since her acting is pretty bad. She performs most of her scenes with an uncomfortably stiff smile plastered on her face, and her most memorable moments--dancing in her underwear to an Aretha Franklin tune and a PG-13 nude love scene with Terlesky--come off somewhat creepy when you remember they're being directed by her mother. Mike + the Mechanics and Timbuk 3 contributed to the soundtrack. Also with James Shanta, Phil Brock, Meshach Taylor, Max Perlich and Pam Grier. Music by Charles Bernstein.

ALMOST FAMOUS (2000)--Directed by Cameron Crowe. Stars Billy Crudup, Frances McDormand, Kate Hudson, Patrick Fugit, Jason Lee, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Crowe, who once went undercover in a California high school to research his book FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, plumbs his own teenage years as a journalist for ROLLING STONE in this sprawling and exuberant look at the rock-and-roll scene of the 1970s. 15-year-old William Miller (Fugit), a child prodigy with an overbearing but loving mother (played by McDormand), is given an assignment by legendary rock critic Lester Bangs (Hoffman) to pen a 1000-word essay on Black Sabbath. William is denied access to the band, but does manage to hang out with the opening act, a hard-rock foursome called Stillwater led by charismatic guitarist Russell Hammond (Crudup) and envious lead singer Jeff Bebe (Lee). More importantly, William is befriended by the bewitching Penny Lane (Hudson), a groupie who prefers to think of herself as a Band-Aid since she only gives the band oral sex. The rest of the film chronicles William's coming-of-age adventures on the Stillwater tour, as he experiences sex for the first time, witnesses the drug scene, befriends Russell (despite Lester's warning that "they are not your friends"), engages in embarrassing phone conversations with his mother and falls in love with Penny, an engaging free spirit who dreams of living in Morocco and is deluded about her true relationship with Russell.

If ALMOST FAMOUS, one of 2000's best films, has a major flaw, it is that the rock lifestyle as related by Crowe is much too PG-13 (the film is inexplicably rated R) to be believable. There's no nudity, hardly any drug use (characters talk about pot, but don't smoke any), and the decadent backstage scene is mostly represented by behind-closed-doors giggling and empty wine bottles. Perhaps this Disney-fied lifestyle is the way Crowe chooses to remember the period as a symbol of his own innocence; nonetheless, it doesn't stand in the way of the wit of Crowe's screenplay and the marvelous performances by his actors. Fugit is marvelous in his feature debut, using his baby-fat looks to accentuate the character's awkwardness in a world he could never even envision, much less understand. Crudup (in a part originally earmarked for Brad Pitt) shows signs of becoming a major star, finding the vulnerability beneath arrogant rock god Russell, while Hudson (Goldie Hawn's lookalike daughter) positively illuminates the screen, making Penny Lane the sweetest rock groupie you've ever seen and tearing your heart out as she struggles with her own feelings about both Russell and William.

Using period rock anthems by Led Zeppelin, Neil Young, The Who, Simon & Garfunkel, The Raspberries and others, Crowe does a nice job establishing his rock-and-roll milieu and keeping an eye on the details, right down to having the television in the hotel room where William loses his virginity play Steely Dan's appearance on MIDNIGHT SPECIAL, which is what was airing during Crowe's own introduction into manhood. I liked the Stillwater photos used on their T-shirts and ROLLING STONE cover, which look exactly like any Grand Funk or Black Oak Arkansas shot of the day. Although rock music is the setting of ALMOST FAMOUS, the movie is really about William and his early ascent into adulthood, about how he, as Simon & Garfunkel put it on BOOKENDS, walked out to look for America. He finds it and, in the process, himself.

Also with Anna Paquin, Fairuza Balk, Bijou Phillips, Terry Chen (as ROLLING STONE editor Ben Fong-Torres), Zooey Deschanel, Tom Cruise's brother William Mapother, Peter Frampton and Noah Taylor. Crowe's wife, Heart songwriter Nancy Wilson, composed the score. John Toll, an Oscar winner for THE THIN RED LINE, was the cinematographer. STILLWATER and UNTITLED CAMERON CROWE PROJECT were possible titles mulled over by Crowe, who chose ALMOST FAMOUS just days before he had to shoot the opening title sequence, which shows Crowe's hands writing the credits in pencil.

ALMOST HUMAN (1974)--Directed by Umberto Lenzi.  Stars Tomas Milian, Henry Silva, Laura Belli.  Joseph Brenner released this Italian crime drama at least three times in the U.S. under different titles, including KIDNAP OF MARY LOU, DEATH DEALER and, in 1980, ALMOST HUMAN, using a marketing campaign that made it look like a horror movie.  Milian plays one horrible bastard alright, a petty hood named Guilio Sacchi who masterminds a plot to kidnap Mary Lou (Belli), the daughter of a wealthy industrialist.  Sacchi is just about as cruel as they come, murdering several innocent men and women over the course of the film, including his girlfriend, a couple of topless women he dangles from a chandelier and a man he forcibly sodomizes.  Silva is good as the angry policeman assigned to the case, but he doesn’t get the screen time to match co-billing with Milian.  Lenzi is more interested in the bad guy.  Action scenes and chases are top-notch, as is Ennio Morricone’s score.  Also with Anita Strindberg and Ray Lovelock.  Filmed in Milan.

ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)--Directed by Jack Sholder. Stars Donald Pleasence, Martin Landau, Jack Palance, Dwight Schultz, Erland van Lidth, Phillip Clark. Some hilariously hammy acting by a group of old pros and plenty of welcome humor highlight this entertaining slasher flick. Future A-TEAMer Schultz plays Dr. Daniel Potter, a psychiatrist beginning a new job at the Haven, a mental facility run by the touchy-feely Dr. Leo Bain (a typically twitchy Pleasence sending up his trademark HALLOWEEN role). Bain, who refers to his patients as voyagers and refuses to treat them like criminals, keeps the more violent ones on the ominous-sounding Third Floor: Byron (Landau, a long way from NORTH BY NORTHWEST), a pyromaniacal preacher; The Bleeder, a serial strangler who bleeds from the nose while killing; Ronald (van Lidth), a 400-pound child molester; and the group's leader, Colonel Frank Hawkes (Palance), a Nam vet who suffered a breakdown while being held in a P.O.W. camp.

When Hawkes, who had a close relationship with Potter's predecessor Harry Merton, becomes convinced that Daniel murdered Merton, the four break out of the hospital during an electrical blackout, loot a hardware store and begin a murderous siege NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-style outside the Potter residence, where Daniel is holed up with his wife, young daughter, punk-rocker sister and Tom (Clark), an Eddie Money look-alike that Daniel's wife and sister met in jail after a nuclear power plant protest(!).

Although bookended by first and last scenes that seem out-of-place, ALONE IN THE DARK contains enough wit (The Bleeder swipes a Jason-style hockey mask from the hardware store and dons it before slashing someone with a yard rake) and (strangely unbloody) shocks to make genre fans happy. Sholder, a former New Line editor making his directorial debut (he also wrote the screenplay), throws in a neat twist near the end, and appears to be having a good time; Landau's stalking of an underwear-clad babysitter is just misogynist enough for me to assume that Sholder was gently mocking some slasher movie clichs. ALONE also contains more character development (I'm referring to Potter's family, all of whom are allowed a moment in the spotlight) that you'd expect from a picture of this ilk, and the irony of Dr. Bain's patients escaping from an institution only to find themselves wandering into a blackout-inspired riot and a punk-rock club featuring a (real) band called The Sic F*cks wasn't lost on me.

Sholder's wisest decision seems to have been to unhitch his limelight-loving stars and let them run free. Pleasence, Palance and especially Landau are extremely funny to watch, whether they're laughing maniacally, flaring their nostrils or just putting an eccentric spin on their dialogue. ALONE is really at its best when these men are on screen. Oddly, Landau's Oscar-winning role as Bela Lugosi in 1994's ED WOOD becomes more fascinating after seeing him like this. The careers of both actors show many parallels--while Bela was languishing in grade-Z fare like BRIDE OF THE MONSTER, Landau was toplining in schlock such as THE BEING and THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

Also with Lee Taylor-Allan, Deborah Hedwall, 1982 Miss America Elizabeth Ward, Brent Jennings as the first victim, Frederick Coffin and Farrelly Brothers regular Lin Shaye, who has appeared in so many New Line pictures that she must be related to ALONE producer and New Line studio head Robert Shaye. Sholder went on to direct the excellent THE HIDDEN, the fun and fast-moving buddy cop flick RENEGADES and the tense suspense thriller BY DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT (also with Landau). Tom Savini provided some brief gore FX.

ALONG CAME POLLY (2004)--Directed by John Hamburg. Stars Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston. When I first saw the trailer for ALONG CAME POLLY back in October, I wasn't very impressed; it appeared to be still another routine romantic comedy starring overexposed sitcom star Jennifer Aniston (FRIENDS) and Ben Stiller (MEET THE PARENTS) as the same neurotic East Coast mensch he's already played 79 times. Of course, as is often the case with Hollywood marketing experts, the most interesting aspect of POLLY was completely ignored in the advertising: a remarkable supporting cast that never fails to upstage the low-wattage glow of its leading performers.

Stiller is Reuben Feffer, an uptight risk assessor for a New York insurance company, and Aniston is the titular Polly Prince, a commitment-phobic free spirit who went to junior high school with Reuben (Stiller also hooked up with junior high chum Jenna Elfman in KEEPING THE FAITH, which couldn't have escaped the notice of writer/director John Hamburg, who worked with Stiller on three previous projects before this one). Of course, they couldn't be more different; Reuben is the kind of guy to whom spontaneity is a concept as foreign as a Martian landscape, whereas Polly has changed addresses a dozen times in her adult life, has a blind ferret for a pet, and confirms and cancels dinner dates as often as she crinkles her cute little nose. When the two bump into each other at an art opening, Reuben takes it as a sign that maybe his life could use a bit of chaos. His marriage to boring realtor Lisa (WILL & GRACE's Debra Messing) lasted a day and a half until he caught her bumping flippers with a French scuba instructor on their Caribbean honeymoon. Armed with advice from best pal Sandy Lyle (Philip Seymour Hoffman), a former child star reduced to essaying Judas opposite a Japanese Savior in a community-theater production of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, Reuben sets out to woo flaky Polly in such a manner as to invite more humiliation upon himself than any self-respecting suitor should have to endure.

While Stiller and Aniston are amiable enough, there's really little chemistry between them, and Hamburg's screenplay gives them little reason to fall for each other besides an obligatory happy ending. Polly is obviously pretty and blessed with a nice figure (thanks, Mr. Hamburg, for the close-up of Jen's red shorts), but her inattentive bounciness and predilection for strange cuisine and salsa dancing clearly make her no match for the anxious Reuben, whose paranoid fear of disease prevents him from digging into the free nuts at bars. I never believed their mutual attraction, and found little rooting interest in whether Stiller should choose between Aniston and the porcelain Messing.

However, Hamburg's casting of POLLY's supporting characters provides plenty of delightful moments. Besides the ebullient presence of Hoffman, who wrings several laughs out of his portrayal of a pathetic, even tragic figure, POLLY offers Hank Azaria, the Vito Scotti of his generation, as Claude, the outrageously accented Frenchman who steals Stiller's wife and is so likable doing it that you hardly blame Messing for staying with him; Bob Dishy and Michele Lee (nice to see her again) as Stiller's stereotypical Jewish parents; Bryan Brown (F/X) as a comically reckless Aussie tycoon; and, best of all, Alec Baldwin affecting a growly voice as Stiller's boorish boss whose lapses in taste include playful tweaks of Stiller's ear while both are in the john. I can't help thinking about the funny movie that could have been made with these characters as leads, without Stiller or Aniston, but what kind of trailer would that make?

ALTERED STATES (1980)--Directed by Ken Russell. Stars William Hurt, Blair Brown, Bob Balaban, Charles Haid, Drew Barrymore. A trip through psychedelia for '80s acidheads. Pretentious science fiction starring Hurt as a dedicated scientist obsessed with discovering the secret of evolution. He ends up turning into a murderous ape creature. Perky Brown is good as Hurt's faithful wife. The original director, production designer, and special effects man were replaced shortly before filming began, which led screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky to take his name off the credits. The effects and Dick Smith's makeup are well done, but Russell's direction is overbearing and ultimately uninteresting. John Larroquette and soap star Thaao Penghlis are in there somewhere.

THE AMAZING CAPTAIN NEMO (1978)—Directed by Alex March.  Stars Jose Ferrer, Burgess Meredith, Tom Hallick, Burr DeBenning, Mel Ferrer, Lynda Day George, Horst Bucholz, Warren Stevens, Med Flory, Peter Jason, Anthony Geary.  Seven (!) writers are credited with this ridiculous feature that plays like a blatant Irwin Allen ripoff—sets with blinking lights, wooden acting, absurd dialogue, dodgy special effects.  It wasn’t until I looked it up at the Internet Movie Database that I realized it is an Allen movie—there is no producing credit on the print I saw.  What was probably three one-hour TV pilots is cut down into a 100-minute feature, and if you think that makes NEMO choppy and barely comprehensible, you’d be correct.

Two Naval Intelligence divers, Tom Franklin (future ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT host Hallick) and Jim Porter (DeBenning), discover the legendary submarine Nautilus and its captain, Nemo (Ferrer), resting in suspended animation.  Momentarily surprised to learn that Jules Verne’s novel was actually a biography, the men adjust surprisingly quickly and invite Nemo to drydock in San Francisco and meet their boss Miller (Stevens).  In exchange for supplies and a full crew, Nemo agrees to do battle against mad captain Cunningham (Meredith), who has his own futuristic sub and demands one billion dollars in gold bullion or else he’ll destroy Washington, D.C. with a nuclear missile.

A few minutes later, Nemo has foiled Cunningham’s plot and has moved on to the next.  NEMO offers three stories altogether, clumsily spliced together in a manner that implies they’re all taking place one after the other.  And you thought Jack Bauer had tough days!  The one constant in all Nemo’s adventures is Cunningham, who leads his crew of humans, robots and alien sidekick Tor (Flory in a full body suit).  He sends sinister Dr. Cook (Mel Ferrer, no relation to Jose) and nuclear physicist Kate (George) to infiltrate the Nautilus from within, and later beats Nemo to the lost city of Atlantis, where he kidnaps most of the city (we never see any of them), leaving King Tibor (Bucholz) to team up with Nemo.

If nothing else, watching competent actors speaking this dialogue and wearing these costumes with straight faces provide entertainment value.  Hardly anything makes sense, including Tor, whose origins are never explained and whose presence is never questioned.  No wonder the frogmen aren’t surprised to find a 100-year-old sea captain sleeping underwater if aliens and robots don’t shock them!  Laser beam battles, bathtub visual effects (by the usually stalwart L.B. Abbott), crooked science and a swordfight to the death between the Ferrers lend humor, mainly unintentional.  Ferrer is a robust Captain Nemo, and Meredith cackles madly like an old pro collecting an easy paycheck.  I believe the feature played theatrically in Europe, but aired over three nights on CBS as THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN NEMO.

THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957)--Directed by Bert I. Gordon. Stars Glenn Langan, Cathy Downs, William Hudson. As silly as it is, it may be director Gordon's best picture. Army colonel Glen Manning (Langan) is caught in a plutonium explosion, and begins to increase in size. Pretty soon he's 60 feet tall and living in a circus tent, much to the dismay of fianc Downs. Manning finally goes mad, and sets out on a destructive march through Las Vegas. He is eventually blown up and plunges off Hoover Dam to his death. Or does he? See Gordon's sequel WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST to find out. Langan's acting is better than you'd expect, but Gordon (who also co-wrote the script and did the special effects) is a pretty inept filmmaker. Also with Larry Thor, Russ Bender and Judd Holdren. Albert Glasser's musical score is excellent.

AMAZING STORIES, BOOK ONE (1985)--Directed by Steven Spielberg and Danny DeVito. Stars Kevin Costner, Keifer Sutherland, Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman. Spielberg produced 44 episodes of AMAZING STORIES for NBC in the mid-'80s. The show was a critical and ratings flop, but a number of episodes were later re-edited and released as two-hour movies for video and television. This is a good one because it includes Spielberg's one-hour segment titled "The Mission" starring Costner as the pilot of a WWII bomber forced to make a crash-landing all the crew but one will survive. Written by Menno Meijes, it's pretty suspenseful and heartwarming, and co-stars Casey Siemaszko. DeVito and Perlman star in the second half, an episode called "The Wedding Ring". Theme by John Williams.

THE AMAZING TRANSPARENT MAN (1959)—Directed by Edgar G. Ulmer.  Stars Douglas Kennedy, Marguerite Chapman, James Griffith, Ivan Triesault.  Ulmer reportedly lensed this 58-minute feature in Texas back-to-back with BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER.  Neither is very good, though they are watchable, especially considering their budgets and schedules.  More than half of TRANSPARENT MAN was shot in the living room of a Texas ranch house and on a cramped laboratory set that looks somewhat realistic.  Crazy Major Krenner (Griffith) and his moll Laura (Chapman) bust safecracker Joey Faust (Kennedy) out of prison and bring him back to Krenner’s ranch, where German scientist Ulof (Triesault) is performing invisibility experiments.  Krenner hires/forces Faust to turn invisible and steal some radium that Ulof needs to finalize his ray, which Krenner eventually plans to use to create an army of invisible soldiers that will conquer the world.  There’s more crime drama than sci-fi in Ulmer’s film, which suffers from glitches in logic, but is at least quick.  The performances aren’t great, but are professional and go quite a ways toward making the experience of watching the film as painless as possible.

AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON (1987)--Directed by John Landis, Joe Dante, Peter Horton, Robert K. Weiss, Carl Gottlieb. Stars Rosanna Arquette, Steve Guttenberg, Michelle Pfeiffer, Griffin Dunne, Carrie Fisher. All-star collection of sketches, parodies and blackouts reminiscent of the Landis-directed KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. Some bits, like the opening segment with Arsenio Hall being attacked by his electronic entertainment equipment, don't work at all, but the best sketches are hilarious. The title piece is a perfect parody of 1950s science-fiction B-pictures such as QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE. Steve Forrest and Robert Colbert parody their own stolid screen images as jut-jawed astronauts on a mission to the moon, where they discover bright sunlight, a breathable atmosphere, and a kingdom of voluptuous babes led by queen Sybil Danning. Henry Silva's "Bullshit or Not" (a spoof of Jack Palance's TV series based on "Ripley's Believe It Or Not") is silly, but funny. Some segments feature plenty of female nudity. Also with Paul Bartel, David Alan Grier, Ralph Bellamy, Russ Meyer, Howard Hesseman, Kelly Preston, Monique Gabrielle, Angel Tompkins, Marc McClure, Joey Travolta, Henny Youngman, Steve Allen, Rip Taylor, Slappy White, Jackie Vernon, Belinda Belaski, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Ed Begley, Jr., Archie Hahn, Robert Picardo, Joe Pantoliano, B.B. King, William Marshall, Corinne Wahl, Mike Mazurki, Andrew Dice Clay and co-director Horton.

AMAZONS AND SUPERMEN (1973)--Directed by Alfonso Brescia.  Stars Nick Jordan, Marc Hannibal, Hua Yueh.  Even if you're a fan of Italian superhero movies, you probably haven't seen anything like this.  Think THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN crossed with THE PHANTOM, DEATHSTALKER and FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH.  Yes, I know that's a strange combination, but this is one strange movie.  Lifting quite heavily from Lee Falk's newspaper hero The Phantom, Darma is a masked and caped hero who has been protecting the natives of his valley for over 400 years.  Thought to be immortal, Darma is actually the latest wearer of the costume, which has been passed down from master to protege for four centuries.  When the current Darma dies, he's replaced by young Aru (acrobat Jordan, one of the original THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN).  A nearby tribe of sexy Amazon women is making war with the local tribes, spurring Darma to team up with black strongman Moog (Hannibal) and Chinese martial artist Chang (Hua) in order to protect and inspire his followers.  Add lots of hidden trampolines, somersaults off of cliffs, kung fu, wild slapstick comedy, sexy women in fur bikinis, goofy sound effects and music, and you've got a damn entertaining ride, silly as hell and fun to match.  Also with Riccardo Pizzuti, Karen Yeh, Genie Woods, Malisa Longo and Magda Konopka.  This Italian/Chinese co-production was released in the U.S. as SUPER STOOGES VS. THE WONDER WOMEN (!), allegedly as the bottom half of a double bill with MADHOUSE, a campy horror film starring Vincent Price and Robert Quarry.  Also known as SUPERMEN AGAINST THE AMAZONS, RETURN OF THE BARBARIAN WOMEN and SUPERUOMINI, SUPERDONNE, SUPERBOTTE.

THE AMBULANCE (1990)--Directed by Larry Cohen. Stars Eric Roberts, Janine Turner, James Earl Jones, Eric Braeden. NYC's quirkiest independent filmmaker hits and misses with this odd horror movie. Roberts is all over the map as Josh Baker, a Marvel Comics artist who tries to pick up a beautiful woman named Cheryl (Turner from NORTHERN EXPOSURE) on the street. He isn't doing too well with her, but when she passes out on the sidewalk and is whisked away by a mysterious vintage ambulance never to be heard from again, he starts investigating. No one wants to believe his story, least of all gum-chewing police lieutenant Spencer (Jones). After a series of close calls from cops and bad guys alike, Josh finally discovers a sinister plot: a mad doctor (Braeden) is kidnapping diabetics and performing illegal experiments upon them in an effort to find a cure. The spooky lab is located directly above a busy discotheque, and even though he isn't diabetic, Josh still looks good as the nutty doc's next victim.

Plot holes abound in Cohen's screenplay. After it's established that the ambulance drivers secretly poison their victims in order to have an excuse to pick them up, Roberts awakens early one morning to discover that he too has been poisoned. The goons, however, drop him off at the hospital, for some reason, instead of just doing away with him. Also the cops portrayed in this film are frustratingly dim, and several characters are introduced just long enough to be missed when Cohen forgets about them later. Still, THE AMBULANCE is definitely watchable, with Cohen's trademark sense of humor (like a detective with an uncanny resemblance to the Archie Comics character Jughead) and Roberts' loopy, possibly partially improvised performance setting the pace. It's fun to see some familiar faces in supporting roles too, like Red Buttons as an enthusiastic New York Post reporter and Marvel legend Stan Lee as himself (in fact, Cohen would have you believe that all Marvel artists work side by side in a huge loft as Lee roams the room, looking over their shoulders like a fourth-grade teacher).

Also with Megan Gallagher (MILLENNIUM), Laurene Landon (MANIAC COP), Richard Bright, Jim Dixon, Michael O'Hare, Kevin Hagen, real-life Marvel staffers Gene Colan, Larry Hama and Jim Salicrup, and Nick Chinlund. Music by Jay Chattaway. Posters and drawings of Spider-Man, Captain America and other Marvel superheroes are everywhere.

THE AMBUSHERS (1967)--Directed by Henry Levin. Stars Dean Martin, Janice Rule, Kurt Kasznar, Senta Berger, Albert Salmi. Dino's third round as spoofy secret agent Matt Helm. Martin and Rule travel to Mexico to investigate the theft of a flying saucer which can only be flown by female pilots, thanks to the electromagnetic field which kills any man who gets near it. Dino ends up swimming in a giant beer vat. As sleazy and sophomoric as the other Helm entries, which means you should know exactly what youre getting into by this point. Filled with gratuitous breast jokes, drinking jokes, girls in bikinis and references to Frank Sinatra. Also with James Gregory and Beverly Adams. Based on the novels by Donald Hamilton, which bear no resemblance to the movies whatsoever. Theme performed by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart.

AMERICA 3000 (1986)--Directed by David Engelbach.  Stars Laurene Landon, Chuck Wagner.  Cannon released this dreadful post-apoc movie that tries to add comedy to the action.  It fails, in part because of Engelbach's maddening decision to create a type of slang (the way CAVEMAN did) that only confuses the audience, rather than enlightens.  For instance, "negi" means "no", "scan" means "see", "cold" means "dead" and "woggo" means "crazy".  Scanning this woggo movie will make you wish you were cold.  900 years after the disaster, Amazon chicks rule the desert and use men as slaves and for sexual pleasure.  Korvis (Wagner), who has taught himself to read using a 20th-century children's book he found in the sand, attempts to broach peace with the female tribe's "tiara", Vena (Landon).  There's some martial arts, homemade crossbows, women in fur bikinis, impossible science, unlikely plotting, and not much that's interesting.  Engelbach penned other films for Cannon, including Sylvester Stallone's arm-wrestling epic OVER THE TOP, but this must be his worst.  Also with William Wallace and Camilla Sparv.  Rock score by Tony Berg.

AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)--Directed by Sam Mendes. Stars Kevin Spacey, Annette Bening, Thora Birch, Mena Suvari, Peter Gallagher, Wes Bentley, Chris Cooper, Allison Janney. The deconstruction of a typical suburban American family isn't exactly a novel concept for a film (see HAPPINESS, THE ICE STORM et al), but in the hands of some terrific actors and first-time screen director Mendes, AMERICAN BEAUTY is a thought-provoking and often hilarious peek at middle-class society. Spacey plays Lester Burnham, a 42-year-old man with an unfulfilling middle-management job, a wife and daughter who barely tolerate him, and a frustrating sex life. He is also, like William Holden's character in SUNSET BOULEVARD, dead. He tells us so in an opening narration, and the film details the last few months of Lester's life. His wife Carolyn (Bening), a way-too-perky real estate agent with a phony smile permanently indented into her features, believes financial success equals personal happiness, and has fooled herself into believing life is good. Gloomy teenage daughter Jane (Birch) can't stand either of her parents, and is filled with so much self-loathing that she's saving her money for breast implants, which, the movie shows us, she clearly doesn't need.

Lester's life perks up somewhat when he meets the nubile Angela (Suvari), one of Jane's cheerleader friends. In one of the movie's best scenes--well played by Spacey--Lester fantasizes that this sexy strawberry blonde is dancing only for him, gyrating, stripping, and, finally, exploding into a shower of red rose petals. He becomes obsessed with her, and, after overhearing her conversation with Jane that she finds Lester sexy, begins working out. He also befriends the new teen next door, Ricky Fitts (Bentley), who lives with his fierce disciplinarian ex-Marine Colonel father (Cooper) and repressed-into-near-catatonia mother (Janney, THE WEST WING) and is a former mental patient who videotapes anything and everything within his line of sight--including the Burnham house. Lester begins smoking pot with Ricky, and discovers he enjoys a feeling he had long ago forgotten--of being free and able to say and do anything he wants without fear of responsibility. He quits his job (in a very funny scene), tells off his wife and daughter, buys the muscle car he's always wanted (a red 1970 Pontiac Firebird), and even takes a new job: flipping burgers at a Mr. Smiley restaurant--a job he actually likes.

Carolyn, meanwhile, explores a sexual relationship with her real-estate rival, Buddy Kane (Gallagher), which only makes her resent Lester even more. Jane, against the advice of her self-confident cover-model pal Angela, falls for Ricky, since he seems to be the only person who understands her own feelings of being misunderstood. We also learn more about Colonel Fitts, who has zero tolerance for the homosexual couple living down the street, and forces his own son to submit to a urine test every six months.

While the characters and situations in Alan Ball's screenplay are not new, their staging by Mendes (a noted theatrical director) breathes fresh life into them. Wisely leaving the (often imaginative) visuals in the hands of Oscar-winning cinematographer Conrad Hall (BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID), Mendes draws strong performances from his entire cast. This is perhaps Spacey's best work to date; alternately funny and tragic, Lester becomes someone we can identify with. To paraphrase his closing narration, if we don't already, we will. Spacey is an absolute joy to watch every moment hes on screen, and when Lester's life is taken from him at the precise moment that it has become rejuvenated, it's heartbreaking. Bening's role is the one that comes closest to outright parody, but she manages to walk that tightrope quite nicely. Cooper's Colonel Fitts may be the film's most complex character, and it's a tribute to this soft-spoken Kansas City-born actor that he doesn't once drop his guard. Those who only know Cooper from his nice-guy roles in LONE STAR and A TIME TO KILL may be surprised at the level of subtlety he shows here. Bentley, Birch and Suvari are also very good.

Music by Thomas Newman fits the various moods perfectly. Paula Abdul choreographed the cheerleading sequence. Pete Townshend receives special thanks in the credits; his song "The Seeker" is used in the film to good effect. Also with Scott Bakula, Sam Robards, Barry Del Sherman and Amber Smith. Mendes directed Nicole Kidman's critically acclaimed stage performance in THE BLUE ROOM.

AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR (1993)--Directed by Boaz Davidson.  Stars Joe Lara, John Ryan, Nicole Hansen.  If nothing else, this hybrid of THE TERMINATOR and DIE HARD can at least claim to be Cannon’s next-to-last theatrical release, even if it did barely play on a few hundred screens.  Earth’s population is rendered sterile as an after-effect of a nuclear holocaust.  Seventeen years later, blonde test subject Hansen manages to produce the world’s only living fetus.  Scientists pack it into a backpack and send Hansen on a mission to cross the hellish, vermin-dotted city to the harbor, where a boat will be waiting to transport Earth’s Hope For A Future to a less-decimated Europe.  Her escorts are slaughtered by unstoppable cyborg Ryan, leaving reluctant tag-along Lara as her only protection.  Davidson (THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN) apparently shot the whole movie in and around one big dilapidated factory in Tel Aviv, which may not provide much colorful scenery or variety for the eye, but at least provides enough nooks, crannies, towers, shafts and empty rooms for the movie’s many gun battles, fights and explosions.  Davidson manages a slick look and lots of action on his tight budget, but there’s not anything here you haven’t seen before.  Lara is serviceable, and went on to star in many more crummy action flicks.

AMERICAN DREAM (1991)--Directed by Barbara Kopple.  This heartbreaker won the 1992 Oscar for Best Documentary.  It’s an inside look at the posturing and maneuvering behind a 1984 labor strike at the Hormel plant in Austin, Minnesota.  After Hormel, the same year they posted $25 million in profits, cut wages at the Austin plant from $10.65 per hour to $8.50, local P-9 staged a walkout.  The story is more complicated than that, however.  P-9 calls in Ray Rogers, a labor consultant, to handle the negotiations with Hormel, against the strenuous advice of Lewie Anderson, the negotiator attached to the international meatpackers union in Washington, D.C.  Kopple’s camera captures all the tension and drama of the three-way standoff, as well as its human impact.  A loyal union member disowns his brother, who crosses the picket line after Hormel opened its plant doors to scabs.  The exhilaration and excitement the P-9 members experienced at the beginning of their confrontation with Hormel turns, over the course of the four-month strike, to despair and desperation.  Kopple, whose HARLAN COUNTY, U.S.A. is considered one of the all-time great documentaries, scores again with a great dramatic story that ends happily for nobody.

AMERICAN JUSTICE (1986)--Directed by Gary Grillo.  Stars Jameson Parker, Jack Lucarelli, Gerald McRaney, Jeannie Wilson, Wilford Brimley.  The next best thing to a SIMON & SIMON reunion, for whatever that’s worth.  McRaney and Parker played brother private eyes on the long-running CBS crime drama.  Wilson played their receptionist, Lucarelli (who produced the film with Parker) was her real-life husband, and director Grillo was the first AD on the series.  They probably had fun shooting this in Tucson during their hiatus, but it isn’t very memorable otherwise.  Former L.A. cop Lucarelli visits his old partner Parker, now a deputy in an Arizona town, and Parker’s wife Wilson.  He witnesses another deputy (McRaney) murdering a Mexican girl and begins investigating an illegal-alien smuggling operation.  Grillo took advantage of the feature’s R rating to attach some juicy squibs to his actors during the many gun battles, but AMERICAN JUSTICE is only as exciting as its generic title.  Also released as JACKALS.  Music by Paul Chihara.

AMERICAN KICKBOXER 1 (1991)--Directed by Frans Nel.  Stars John Barrett, Keith Vitali, Brad Morris.  Believe it or not, there really was an AMERICAN KICKBOXER 2, although it's surprising this slop made enough money to warrant a sequel.  With South Africa unconvincingly substituted for the U.S., this story jumps all over the place and pits kickboxer B.J. (Barrett) against an obnoxious thug named Denard (Morris), who baits B.J. into accidentally killing someone, resulting in prison time.  When B.J. gets out, Denard is the new champ and taunts the ex-con into stepping into the ring with him.  There's an unbelievable sports reporter, who appears to have the rare professional kickboxing beat and interjects himself into his news stories with a series of obnoxious wisecracks.  Full of boring fights and dull plotting.  Vitali's acting hasn't improved since REVENGE OF THE NINJA. 

AMERICAN MOVIE (1999)--Directed by Chris Smith. Stars Mark Borchardt, Mike Schank. AMERICAN MOVIE, which won a Grand Jury Award at last years Sundance Film Festival, is one of the most entertaining documentaries in recent memory. Made by former Michael Moore (ROGER & ME) protgs Chris Smith and Sarah Price, MOVIE profiles Minnesota filmmaker Mark Borchardt, a 29-year-old father of three still living with his parents whose biggest dream is to finish his homemade feature, NORTHWESTERN. With no funding and little support from his family and friends, who mostly placate his requests for assistance with rolling eyes, Borchardt, a lanky fast-talker with a tendency to drink too much, makes a horror short, COVEN, in bits and pieces over a period of two years with the idea of making enough money selling it on video to finance NORTHWESTERN. The result is a sweet, hilarious and even inspirational study of independent moviemaking at its grassroots best.

The DVD props up the feature with a number of neat extras, my favorite being an alternate audio track featuring Smith, Price, Borchardt and Mark's zonked-out pal Mike Schank talking about the film and how it was made. Alternately informative and funny, it's one of my all-time favorite audio commentaries. Columbia/Tri-Star also sweetens the pot with a whopping 22 (!) deleted scenes, most of which run anywhere from 45 seconds to nearly three minutes. Many of them are quite entertaining, and were probably cut because of time restraints or pacing, since, unlike most deleted scenes that pop up as DVD extras, these are worthy of being included in the film itself. Also, after hearing so much about COVEN and being tantalized by a number of clips during the film, its nice that the entire short has been included on the DVD (it's better than you'd expect). Trailers for AMERICAN MOVIE and four other independent features round out the package, one I highly recommend for potential filmmakers everywhere.

AMERICAN NINJA (1985)--Directed by Sam Firstenberg. Stars Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, Guich Koock. Dudikoff has amnesia and doesn't know about his Ninja karate abilities. He remembers them later when his girlfriend is kidnapped by an evil Ninja army. Dudikoff and James are good action heroes, and Firstenberg directs some excellent martial-arts fights. Cannon film was reportedly supposed to star Chuck Norris. Good thing for Dudikoff it didn't, because it kickstarted his steady career of straight-to-video action vehicles.

AMERICAN NINJA 2: THE CONFRONTATION (1987)--Directed by Sam Firstenberg. Stars Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, Gary Conway. Sequel is even more entertaining than the first, thanks to a hammy performance by co-scripter Conway (TV's LAND OF THE GIANTS). Conway is a drug kingpin who is kidnapping American soldiers on a Caribbean island. He plans to clone them, and create his own master race of Ninja superwarriors. I guess he didn't count on the American Ninja (Dudikoff) being around to stop him. More action than the first, and the cast doesn't seem to take the silly plot too seriously. More than anything, it's a terrific showcase for the charismatic Steve James, who was the unsung star of these AMERICAN NINJA movies. Dudikoff is credible in an Audie Murphy kind of way, but James was such a good actor, it's a shame he never really got a chance to break through to mainstream success before his untimely death in the early '90s at the age of 41. Actor James Booth (AVENGING FORCE) co-wrote the screenplay with Conway. Music by George S. Clinton. Edited by Michael J. Duthie. Also with Larry Poindexter, Jeff Weston and John Fujioka in flashbacks from AMERICAN NINJA.

AMERICAN NINJA 3: BLOOD HUNT (1989)--Directed by Cedric Sundstrom.  Stars David Bradley, Steve James, Marjoe Gortner, Evan J. Klisser.  Bradley (in his film debut) is a stiff replacement for previous series star Michael Dudikoff in this Cannon entry shot in South Africa.  Karate magazine cover model Sean Davidson (Bradley) travels to the Caribbean to compete in a tournament there, where he meets up with likable horndog Dex (Klisser) and charismatic Curtis Jackson (James), who was Dudikoff's sidekick in AMERICAN NINJA 1 and 2.  Turns out the tournament (of which we see precious little) is being sponsored by a pharmaceutical company run by the Cobra (Gortner), who's using it as a front for his experiments to find a super-virus that will allow him to rule the world.  The Cobra is using the tournament as an audition to find the biggest badass alive and use him as a guinea pig for his serum, thinking that if it'll work on him, it'll work on anybody.  Sean is, of course, that #1 badass, leading him to be kidnapped and hopefully saved by his new buddies Jackson and Dex.

If you're looking for 90 minutes of nothing but kung fu kicking, then AN3 might be for you.  It's not especially interesting or innovative, but the fights and stunts are plentiful and will keep you awake during a late-night rental or cable airing.  Its biggest problem is Bradley, who is even less of an actor than Dudikoff and clearly not the presence or fighter Steve James is.  James, who had also appeared with Dudikoff in Cannon's AVENGING FORCE, by all rights should have gotten the lead in this movie, but I assume his skin color worked against him.  It's pretty sad to see him subservient to David Bradley.  The dialogue by Sundstrom, working from Gary Conway's story (which is the exact same story Conway concocted for AMERICAN NINJA 2, in which the LAND OF THE GIANTS star also portrayed the villain), is extremely feeble, leading me to believe James could have ad-libbed better than the wisecracks he's given.  Gortner (BOBBIE JO AND THE OUTLAW) is usually fun to watch in these roles, but he seems listless; he retired from acting shortly afterwards, and perhaps the boredom he demonstrates here was an indicator.

Bradley returned as the American Ninja (without James) in AN4, which teamed him up with Dudikoff in an extended cameo, and even AN5 in 1993, long after the short-lived ninja craze was over.  Harry Alan Towers and Avi Lerner served as producers for this one.  Also with Michelle Chan, Calvin Jung and John Barrett.  Music by George S. Clinton (the AUSTIN POWERS movies).

AMERICAN NINJA 4: THE ANNIHILATION (1991)--Directed by Cedric Sundstrom. Stars Michael Dudikoff, David Bradley, James Booth. Cannon must have been salivating over the concept of teaming up the two leads from the earlier AMERICAN NINJA trilogy. Unfortunately the two barely share any screen time together, and Bradley (who resembles a less macho Rick Springfield) is a woefully inadequate screen presence. CIA agent Sean Davidson (Bradley) and his black sidekick Carl are sent into the stronghold of sadistic British ex-soldier Mulgrew (Booth) to rescue some Delta Force commandos who have been captured and tortured. Picking up a pretty female doctor along the way, the rescue party is captured itself, and Joe Armstrong (Dudikoff), now in the Peace Corps teaching children about the environment, is convinced to come out of retirement to rescue the would-be rescuers. Dudikoff, who probably speaks fewer than two dozen lines, is no Bruce Lee, but he is credible during the action scenes and a likable enough performer. There's nothing here you haven't seen in a dozen other Cannon martial-arts flicks--tons of action, stiff acting by the leads, ripe hamming from the main villain, interesting Asian locations and a crowded, well-choreographed karate-kicking climax--but it should keep you awake should you happen to run across it on late-night cable like I did. Also with Dwayne Alexandre, Ken Gampu, Robin Stille (who killed herself in 1996), Franz Dobrowsky and Kely McClung as Super Ninja. Music by Nicolaas TenBroek. Scripter David Geeves may be a pseudonym for actor James (Geeves-) Booth (whose history with Cannon goes back to 86s AVENGING FORCE, in which he starred and provided the screenplay).

AMERICAN PERFEKT (1997)--Directed by Paul Chart.  Stars Robert Forster, Amanda Plummer, David Thewlis, Fairuza Balk.  Forster, who earned an Oscar nomination for his supporting turn in JACKIE BROWN the same year, is typically good as Jake, a psychiatrist traveling alone across the Utah desert who makes the acquaintance of an emotionally fragile woman named Sandra.  The two meet on the highway and form an instant bond, one that is tested when they encounter con artist Thewlis, who may or may not be the serial killer whose exploits are all over the radio newscasts.  Chart assembled a nice cast for his lyrical character study, including Balk as Plummer’s sister, Paul Sorvino and Chris Sarandon as cops, and Joanna Gleason as a lonely woman who flirts with Forster.  Some surprising nudity and violence punctuate Chart’s American feature debut, a mildly intriguing but non-essential road thriller.  Also with Geoffrey Lewis, Belinda Balaski and Rutanya Alda.

AMERICAN PIE (1999)--Directed by Paul Weitz. Stars Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Eugene Levy. Raucous and often hilarious teen sex comedy that has been compared to PORKYS and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. It isn't really a fair comparison, since AMERICAN PIE, although grosser and more sexually explicit, has more heart, better performances, and is consistently funnier than those '80s box-office hits.

The plot is basic: four high school boys plot to lose their virginity before the end of the school year, but what sets AMERICAN PIE apart from lesser films of this genre is that director Weitz and scripter Adam Herz have created characters that seem very real. The boys are shy, sort of geeky, and nervous (though curious) about sex, unlike almost every other film or TV show that portrays teens as the sort of sexual experts that could teach Masters & Johnson a thing or two about the subject. The other principal difference is that the girls are not (with the possible exception of Nadja [Elizabeth], the voluptuous European exchange student) portrayed as mere sex objects, but as young women who are just as curious--and just as scared--of sex as the boys. Before you begin assuming that AMERICAN PIE is the cinematic equivalent of an ABC Afterschool Special, let me assure you that many of the gags concern foul language, toilet humor and a beer cup containing a certain bodily fluid.

While these moments may just seem crude in another movie, AMERICAN PIE is populated with such likable characters that you'll find yourself laughing with them, rather than at them. SCTV alum Levy, who has the only major adult role, is extremely funny as a clueless father who, although also embarrassed about sex, tries hard to educate his son about the birds and the bees. Also with Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Mena Suvari (also in AMERICAN BEAUTY and AMERICAN VIRGIN), Seann William Scott, Jennifer Coolidge, Lawrence Pressman, Clyde Kusatsu and Chris Owen. Music by David Lawrence. Weitz (with his brother Paul, who produced AMERICAN PIE) co-wrote ANTZ.

AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS BAND CAMP (2005)—Directed by Steve Rash.  Stars Tad Hilgenbrink, Arielle Kebbel, Eugene Levy, Chris Owen.  You may have thought that, after AMERICAN WEDDING married off the leading characters played by Jason Biggs and Alyson Hannigan, there was no more story left to tell in this universe.  But money talks, and Universal continued the successful AMERICAN PIE series with this loose sequel that was made for DVD release.  While the characters (for the most part) have changed, the series’ dependence on foul scatological humor and embarrassing teenage sexuality hasn’t.

BAND CAMP introduces Matt Stifler (Hilgenbrink), the obnoxious younger brother of the even more obnoxious Steve Stifler played by Seann William Scott in the theatrical films.  Give director Steve Rash (THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY) and his casting department credit for finding a young actor who looks and acts exactly like Scott, though Hilgenbrink couldn’t make me believe that the jackass he’s playing would be his high school’s chick magnet.

After his mischievous prank breaks up the school’s graduation party, “The Sherminator” (Chris Owen, just about the only cast member to return for the DTV sequels), the new guidance counselor, sentences Stifler to attend band camp—an odd punishment, considering Stifler doesn’t play an instrument.  Repulsed at the concept of hanging out with band geeks all summer, Stifler decides to spend his spare time taping girls in the shower and teaching his nerdy roommate how to be as big a jerk as he is.  Naturally, Stifler’s gags tend to backfire, resulting in strange situations like being found naked with his member stuck inside an oboe.  It’s that kind of movie.

I actually didn’t mind BAND CAMP too much, though it treads no new ground.  Arielle Kebbel, as the sweet bandleader and composer who inexplicably falls for Stifler, is a charmer who resembles Mandy Moore, and Rash finds room for Eugene Levy, so funny as Jim’s Dad in the earlier films, to step in as the band camp’s counselor.  Timothy Stack (MY NAME IS EARL) and former porn star Ginger Lynn Allen play the camp’s adults in scenes that recall THE ADDAMS FAMILY.  Although Rash had a small budget, Universal provided a comfortable shooting schedule and Malibu locations, unlike the later sequels, which were farmed out to Toronto.  As long as you’re going to watch wild comedies where girls take off their clothes, it might as well be this one.  Also with Omar Benson Miller, Angela Little, Crystle Lightning and Matt Barr.

AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS BETA HOUSE (2007)—Directed by Andrew Waller.  Stars John White, Steve Talley, Jake Siegel, Eugene Levy, Nic Nac, Tyrone Savage, Meghan Heffern.  Almost exactly 12 months after the fifth AMERICAN PIE movie went directly to DVD, here comes Number 6, which is actually a true sequel to THE NAKED MILE.  It also rivals NAKED MILE in the surprisingly (but delightfully) high number of bare breasts on display.  Heck, director Andrew Waller even works them into the story at film’s end, just to be sure he got several dozen more on the screen.

By this point, though, and I’m not saying the boobs aren’t nice, but I’m just as curious to see how the story can manage to work Eugene Levy into it.  Awkwardly, actually, as Waller had to clumsily shoot around Levy in at least one scene that was probably shot after the budget had already chewed up the two days for which it could afford him.  It turns out that Mr. Levenstein (Levy) is the attorney on retainer for Beta House, the fraternity to which Dwight Stifler (Talley) belongs.  He also ends up emceeing the Greek Games, a long-barred competition between the Beta boys and the Geek House, who plot to get the partying Betas kicked off campus.  In an odd twist on REVENGE OF THE NERDS that probably says a lot (negative) about today’s society, the nerdy bookworms are the villains, and the beer-chugging BMOCs are the good guys.

Erik Stifler (White) and his buddy Cooze (Siegel) are now college freshmen pledging the Betas, which allows the writer to invent a series of gross acts for the boys to perform, most of which involve them becoming naked and embarrassing themselves.  As Erik is now without a girlfriend, he finds himself falling for pretty Ashley (Heffern), who’s a pretty good sport, considering Erik’s inept sexuality (his MATRIX-style “bullet time” premature ejaculation stains her teddy bear and her family portrait).

The game cast seems enthusiastic and unafraid to look silly, which is a good thing.  Writer Erik Lindsay (who also penned THE NAKED MILE) creates an odd DEER HUNTER parody, which is mystifying considering that nobody in the target audience has any idea what THE DEER HUNTER is (though they might enjoy Dwight and his Geek enemy playing Russian roulette with a gun containing cylinders of horse semen).  Pilar Cazares, refreshingly plus-sized (and cute) Christine Barger and Rachel Skarsten provide some of the many bosoms.

AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS THE NAKED MILE (2006)—Directed by Joe Nussbaum.  Stars John White, Steve Talley, Jake Siegel, Eugene Levy, Jessy Schram, Candace Kroslak.  How many Stiflers are in this family anyway?  NAKED MILE introduces us to cousin Erik Stifler (John White), who, we learn, is the “black sheep” of the family, because he studies, gets decent grades, and—shockers—is still a virgin in high school.  He does manage, however, to kill his grandmother when the whole family walks in on him whacking it in the living room.

After a sexual interlude with nice girlfriend Tracy (Schram) ends in Erik’s humiliation (when her father walks in, Erik is forced to hide naked in the dryer, where he drops a deuce), rather than a successful climax, she agrees to help alleviate his frustration by issuing a free pass—a weekend where Erik can do anything (and anyone) he wants.  Erik and his pal Cooze (Siegel) go to visit another Stifler—cousin Dwight (Talley)—at college, where the non-stop partying provides Erik with a sure thing, a major hottie named Brandy (Kroslak).  But is it possible for Erik to enjoy guilt-free sex, even with Tracy’s permission?  What’s a nice guy to do?

One thing about NAKED MILE—it offers more nudity than I’ve seen on-screen in a long time.  The Naked Mile, in the story, is an annual campus event in which students streak across the quad—the debaucherous attraction that lured Erik and Cooze to college in the first place.  Tuition must be high, because most of the young women there have the means to purchase fake breasts.  Boobs and buns fill the screen most of the time, though equal-time advocates will be happy to hear that the male stars do some flashing as well.

As sick as much of the humor is, with semen and urine splashing across the screen like Tom Sawyer’s whitewash, it isn’t terribly mean-spirited, and the attractive cast seem like likable dudes you wouldn’t mind hanging out with—even Dwight Stifler isn’t a bad guy.  And while many of the gags are scatological retreads from the earlier films, a silly setpiece involving our heroes in an intramural mud football game against a team of dwarves is genuinely fresh and funny.  Nussbaum makes it funny by presenting the little people not as jokes or victims, but as comic villains easily the mental, physical and sexual equals of Stifler and his pals.

I know you can’t believe it, but Eugene Levy is back again as Mr. Levenstein, who returns to college to emcee the Naked Mile.  I’m beginning to think a detailed backstory of his character would be mighty interesting, as we discover Mr. Levenstein was quite a BMOC back in the day.  Also with Christopher McDonald as Stifler’s (obnoxious) dad, Ross Thomas, Jaclyn A. Smith, Mika Winkler and Jordan Prentice.

AMERICAN PIE 2 (2001)--Directed by J.B. Rogers.  Stars Jason Biggs and the whole damn cast of the first movie.  If you liked the original AP (and I did), you'll probably find yourself laughing a lot during this good-natured sequel.  Although a few of the higher-profile cast members (like Mena Suvari and Tara Reid) have been relegated to glorified cameo status, AP2 is pretty much the same movie involving the same likable group of guys you liked the first time.

The boys--worrywart Jim (Biggs), laidback Oz (Chris Klein), sophisticated Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), bland Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) and obnoxious Stifler (Seann William Scott)--spend the summer living together in a beachside house.  Jim is freaking out because European sexpot Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth) is coming to visit at the end of the summer. He isn't sure he'll be able to "perform" for her, so he hits up band-camper Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) for lessons in amour.  Meanwhile, Oz is stressed over his long-distance relationship with Heather (Suvari), who's studying overseas, Finch awaits his reunion with Stifler's mother, Kevin is still obsessed with old girlfriend Vicky (Reid), and Stifler continues to get into trouble.

One scene in which the boys are tricked into performing sexual acts on each other in exchange for getting to watch two lesbians make out is extremely funny, but otherwise, AMERICAN PIE 2 is no more than a frothy good time.  Also with Eugene Levy, Natasha Lyonne, Chris Owen, Casey Affleck, Molly Cheek, Larry Drake, George Wyner, Kevin Kilner and Jennifer Coolidge.  Rogers and writer Adam Herz have cameos.