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THE MOD SQUAD (1999)--Directed by Scott Silver.
Stars Claire Danes, Giovanni Ribisi, Omar Epps, Dennis Farina. Based on the '60s-'70s TV series, this dopey action flick delivers
nothing new or substantial, and probably won't even appeal to fans of the old show. In a zippy opening sequence reminiscent
of TV credits, the cast is introduced: Danes as runaway shoplifter Julie Barnes, Ribisi as troublemaking rich kid Pete Cochran,
and Epps as morose arsonist Linc Hayes, all of whom have been recruited by LAPD Captain Adam Greer (Farina) to serve as undercover
cops ("These kids can go a thousand places we can't!"), albeit unconventional ones--they don't carry badges or guns. When
Greer is killed during an apparent drug deal, the squad becomes involved in the frame-up and a convoluted plot involving police
corruption, missing narcotics, a silly rock music promoter, and an ex-boyfriend of Julie's who may or may not be involved
in drugs and prostitution.
Of the leads, only Epps is believable in his role; Danes isn't mature or tough enough to
establish Julie's street "cred", and Ribisi continues to recycle the same obnoxious mannerisms he's been trotting out for
years. Silver (who also co-wrote the script with Kate Lanier) relies on slow motion, tilted angles and other MTV tricks instead
of a coherent story and some decent action scenes. As a further insult to his audience, THE MOD SQUAD opens with a dictionary
definition of the word "mod", followed by a definition of the word "squad" (!), apparently assuming its audience would be
too stupid to understand the film's title. On the plus side, BC Smith contributes a very funky retro musical score, and Linc
looks quite cool in his vintage '60s Lincoln Continental convertible. Also with Michael Lerner, Josh Brolin and THE PRACTICE's
Steve Harris.
MODERN PROBLEMS (1981)--Directed by Ken Shapiro. Stars Chevy Chase, Patti D'Arbanville,
Mary Kay Place, Dabney Coleman, Nell Carter. Another embarrassing Chase comedy. This time he plays an air traffic controller
who gains telekinetic powers as a result of his run-in with nuclear waste. When Coleman has a nude scene in a film, you know
the filmmakers are desperate for ideas.
MODERN ROMANCE (1981)--Directed by Albert Brooks. Stars Albert
Brooks, Kathryn Harrold, Bruno Kirby. Brilliant comedy about film editor Brooks, whose neurotic whining causes him to break
up, then get back together, with his beautiful girlfriend (Harrold). Has many great scenes. Takes satirical jabs at the film
industry too, as well as the dating scene. Kirby is funny in a supporting role. Great cameos by George Kennedy, Meadowlark
Lemon, BROADCAST NEWS director James L. Brooks and Bob Einstein (Brooks's brother and TV's Super Dave Osborne). Brooks to
Harrold: "We're in a no-win situation here. You know what that is? Vietnam. This. I'm telling you we're in one!"
MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM (2002)—Directed by Ernest
Dickerson. Stars John Turturro, Kevin Anderson, John Heard, Brad Beyer. New York Times entertainment reporter Bill Carter
wrote the screenplay for this TNT movie based on his book about the history and backstage turmoil surrounding ABC’s
landmark MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL series. Great idea for a documentary. Terrible concept for a dramatization, and a major reason
is that Howard Cosell was such a distinctive larger-than-life character that nobody could duplicate him. Probably the last
actor who should have even tried to capture Cosell is John Turturro, whose stumbling, shuffling performance is a clumsy SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE caricature at best and an embarrassment at worst. If anyone is worse in the film, it’s the charmless Beyer,
who plays like he’s never even been in the same room as anyone half as charismatic as the man he’s playing, “Dandy”
Don Meredith. Anyone watching these guys couldn’t possibly have any idea how MNF became such an American sensation.
An overreliance on period pop songs signals a laziness in storytelling that matches the casting, and Cosell’s announcement
of John Lennon’s murder is a load of crap. I sure wish someone would produce a solid documentary based on Carter’s
book, because Cosell, Meredith, and Roone Arledge (Heard, who is excellent) were fascinating figures worthy of profile. Also
with Nicholas Turturro as director Chet Forte, Shuler Hensley as Keith Jackson, Eli Wallach, Patti LuPone, Zak Orth, and Jay
Thomas. Music by Van Dyke Parks.
THE MONKEY MISSION (1981)—Directed by Burt
Brinckerhoff. Stars Robert Blake, John Fiedler, Keenan Wynn, Mitchell Ryan. Blake returns as private eye Joe Dancer
in this TV sequel to THE BIG BLACK PILL. It’s better, taking the form of a caper movie, as Dancer is hired to
break into a museum and snatch a $3 million vase, while dodging suspicious insurance investigator Keyes (Ryan). Unfortunately,
writer Robert Crais appears to have been a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE fan, as his caper bears resemblance to several episodes, including
the use of a small animal (here, a monkey named Gregor) to avoid security traps. Brinckerhoff is not a good enough
director to build suspense, but the film’s light tone and good use of old pros Fiedler and Wynn provide entertainment.
Also with Sondra Blake, Clive Revill, Andy Woods, Pepe Serna and Alan Napier in his final film. Music by George Romanis.
Blake made one more Joe Dancer movie, which NBC kept on the shelf until 1983.
MONSOON WEDDING (2001)--Directed by Mira Nair.
Stars Naseeruddin Shah, Lillete Dubey, Shefali Shetty, Vijay Raaz, Tilotama Shome, Vasundhara Das, Parvin Dabas, Kulbhushan
Kharbanda, Kamini Khana, Randeep Hooda, Neha Dubey, Kemaya Kidwai, Ishaan Nair, Randeep Hooda, Roshan Seth and Soni Razdan.
The only thing missing from this wedding is the chicken dance, but MONSOON WEDDING, a "small" comedy by Indian director Mira
Nair (MISSISSIPPI MASALA) that was shot in New Delhi in just 30 days, contains so many swirling colors, frothy song-and-dance
numbers, and appealing characters that it's doubtful you'll notice. A combination of old-fashioned "Bollywood" filmmaking
and Robert Altman-esque characterization, MONSOON WEDDING neatly captures both the joy and chaos of a huge family wedding,
even though a last-minute plot turn into LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT territory left a sour taste in my mouth.
Anyone who's ever been involved in planning or just actively
participating in a large wedding can appreciate the frenzy felt by comfortably middle-class Lalit Verma (Naseeruddin Shah),
whose only daughter, the delightfully dishy Aditi (Vasundhara Das), is getting married in four days time to a handsome, successful
young man named Hemant (Parvin Dabas), who has emigrated to Texas to be an engineer. The marriage has been arranged
by the parents; while the thoroughly modern Hemant has little problem settling down with a woman he hardly knows, Aditi is
still attracted to her boss, the host of a TV talk show called DELHI.COM with whom she's been having an affair, and seems
to be submitting to marriage only because her boyfriend is slow to pull the trigger on divorcing his wife.
Where Nair really captures the craziness of it all is in one
of MONSOON's earliest scenes, in which relatives, family friends and employees come together for an engagement party.
Like those all-too-familiar sprawling family reunions in which you're left scratching your head wondering whether that old
guy pounding Pabst is your Uncle Harry or just a party crasher foraging for free booze, Nair's party scene throws all of her
main characters together at once, leaving it up to us--and the characters themselves--to figure out who is who. Adding
to the confusion is the free flow of different languages--sometimes English, sometimes Punjabi, sometimes Hindi--all twisted
together within the same paragraph or sentence even, resulting in a sort of Indian Mad Libs. It's disorderly, cheery,
and frustrating all at once, just as it should be. There's Aditi's younger brother Varun (Ishaan Nair, the director's
nephew), who hates sports and loves cooking shows and is feared by his father Lalit to be gay. We meet Aditi's voomy
cousin Ayesha (Neha Dubey), a free-spirited dancer with the hots for Rahul (Randeep Hooda), who's flown all the way from Australia
for the ceremony. And still another cousin, Ria (Shefali Shetty), who's harboring a dark secret about a Verma family
friend that threatens to derail the whole steaming train of a ceremony at the last minute.
Perhaps the sweetest story is not the budding romance between
its bride and groom, but of Lalit's brash, fast-talking wedding planner P.K. Dubey (Vijay Raaz), a gangly Huggy Bear-lookalike
who finds satisfaction in making a deal while flapping a mile a minute into his cell phone and collecting the fast buck that
goes along with it, but would rather sit and relax than follow through on it. His good-natured give-and-take with Lalit
immediately establishes Dubey as the sort of smooth hustler movie audiences love to love, which makes it more effective when
he becomes smitten with the Vermas' demure maid Alice (Tilotama Shome). Confident in his ability to turn a buck, but
shy and awkward in anything involving true emotions, Dubey's courtship of Alice becomes the relationship you really want to
work.
Despite the late-in-the-game tawdriness involving Ria's personal
drama (which does, admittedly, result in a marvelously acted scene by Shah in which his heritage-minded character, Lalit,
must make a bold decision that goes against his old-fashioned beliefs), MONSOON WEDDING is not a "message" picture, but merely
a joyous amalgamation of color, music and style. I loved the opening credit sequence, an animated whirl of psychedelia
punctuated by a tuba-driven blast of parade music penned by Canadian composer Mychael Danna (GIRL, INTERRUPTED), whose traditional
Punjabi score nicely complements the on-screen ardor. Stephanie Carroll's production design, with its infusion of marigolds
into the wedding theme, and Declan Quinn's sunny cinematography lend plenty of warm splendor, and the performances are fine,
particularly those of Shah, Das and Shetty.
MONSOON WEDDING was a surprise winner of the Venice Film Festival's
cherished Golden Lion Award last year--a surprise, perhaps, because of its frothy nature. But froth certainly has its
place in filmmaking, and as Nair shows here, can be a refreshing alternative to the increasingly cynical comedy churned out
by Hollywood.
MONSTER
(1979)—Directed by Herbert L. Strock. Stars Jim Mitchum, Philip Carey, Anthony Eisley, John Carradine. Strock
has claimed responsibility for directing and writing this monstrous film, though notorious producer Kenneth Hartford gets
screen credit. Since Strock also has gone on record as hating the film, I can’t imagine he’d say he directed
it if he didn’t. It is pretty awful, starting with the laughably crummy special effects and working up.
Allegedly based on actual events occurring in Colombia in 1971, MONSTER finds a village being ravaged by some sort of creature
that even bites the legs off a sexy blonde on the beach. Chemical magnate Carey, whose company has a large plant in
the village, sends troubleshooter Mitchum down to South America to investigate the killings. After a lot of stupid chatter
and another death or two, it all culminates in Mitchum leaping into the lake to set off some explosive charges swallowed by
the monster. Neither Mitchum nor Eisley appears particularly proud of the film, though Carradine, playing a priest who
does nothing but eat screen time, gives it his all, as usual. Carey’s part was obviously created later; his first
scene finds him in conversation with a completely off-screen Mitchum (who obviously wasn’t there), and another puts
him on the telephone with the again unseen Mitchum, whose off-screen voice is dubbed by someone who doesn’t sound at
all like him. Filmed in New Mexico in about three weeks, MONSTER is also known as MONSTROID, IT CAME FROM THE LAKE and
TOXIC HORROR. By any other name, this MONSTER still stinks.
THE MONSTER
AND THE STRIPPER (1968)—Directed by Ron Ormond. Stars Ron Ormond, Tim Ormond, June Ormond, Sleepy LaBeef.
Is it a horror movie? Is it a stag movie? Hell, yes! While crooked New Orleans strip-club owner Nemo (writer/director
Ron Ormond) is auditioning new dancers, a 7-foot-tall caveman (rockabilly singer LaBeef!) is eating cows and mauling farmers.
The disparate plot threads continue for awhile, as Nemo sits and watches one stripper after another doing her act, while occasionally
attempting to paw one. He also banters with a completely unthreatening police detective in a dorky hat and dumps the
contents of a spittoon down the throat of a flunky who tried to steal his drug profits. Meanwhile, the “Swamp
Thing” is eventually captured and taken to Nemo’s club to serve as a featured attraction, but if you saw KING
KONG, you know that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Also known as THE EXOTIC ONES, this movie is independent regional
filmmaking at its peak, intended to play a few drive-ins around the South and Midwest. It’s utterly ridiculous,
but fascinating due to its authentic local color and willingness to squeeze so much exploitation into its running time.
MONSTER DOG (1985)—Directed by Claudio Fragasso.
Stars Alice Cooper, Victoria Vera, Pepita James. ‘70s rock star Cooper (real name: Vincent Furnier) plays rock
star Vincent Raven in this inept werewolf movie filmed in Spain by an Italian director. Reminiscent of BLOODY PIT OF
HORROR, Raven and his crew, including his director girlfriend (Vera), return to his California hometown to shoot a music video
in his family’s castle. Just before Vincent left twenty years earlier, his father was lynched by townspeople who
believed he was the werewolf who slaughtered many of them. Now that Vincent is back, the killings are continuing.
Coincidence? The crummy special effects are obviously inspired by AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, but Rick Baker is
nowhere in sight.
MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL (1958)--Directed by Kenneth G. Crane. Stars Jim Davis, Robert
Griffin. Distributors Corporation of America, which released Ed Wood's notorious PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, also gave
us this stolid monster movie, probably the only film ever made about a killer wasp. Yep, Crane pits a young Davis (DALLAS'
Jock Ewing) against a giant papier-mâché wasp that's killing natives in Africa. Well, heck, it's his own fault.
He and partner Dan Morgan (Griffin) fired a rocket containing various animals into space to test their reactions, but the
craft went off-course and crashed in Africa. For some reason, only the wasps were affected (by radiation?), growing
to terrific size and murdering natives.
This movie exists only as an excuse to recycle stock footage from the 20-year-old STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE,
which means Davis' safari has to land its airplane in one location and then hike for nearly a month through the jungle to
get to their destination. Why couldn't they have just landed where they want to go? 'Cause they had all this exciting stock
footage to use, that's why. The wasp is ridiculous, consisting of basically a large head with two stingers on either side
of it. Um, like real wasps don't really have. There is a stop-motion-animated wasp that fights a giant snake too, which is
probably the most interesting scene in the film. It's only 71 minutes, so it won't kill you to watch it, but GREEN HELL
is not among the decade's finest SF flicks. Also with Barbara Turner, Eduardo Ciannelli and Vladimir Sokoloff.
Albert Glasser did the score, which isn't bad, considering.
MONSTER FROM THE SURF (1965)--Directed by Jon Hall. Stars Jon Hall, Elaine Dupont,
Sue Casey, Richard Lessing, Walker Edmiston. Hall, whose acting career began in the 1930's and included several starring
roles opposite Maria Montez in Technicolor B-movies, served as director, cinematographer and star of this cheap laugh riot.
He plays famous oceanographer Otto Lindsay, who's frustrated by Vicky (Dupont), his teasing harlot of a trophy wife, and his
son Richard (Lessing), a basically good kid who has forsaken his days of helping Dad in the lab to party and frug nights away
on the beach. Richard also feels guilty about an auto accident that crippled his pal Mark (Edmiston), even inviting
Mark, a sculptor, to move into the Lindsays' spacious beach pad. Those nights of swimming and grilling wieners on the
beach are rudely interrupted, however, when a girl is murdered by what appears to be a sea monster. And a ridiculous
one too, with a pointed head, bulging eyes, a squishy face and sharp "claws" that strangely bend like rubber. As the
killings continue, no one seems very concerned except Richard, who finds himself investigating when Mark becomes a suspect.
Originally released as THE BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER (also its DVD title), MONSTER is a ridiculous and
often hilarious response to Del Tenney's famous HORROR OF PARTY BEACH. Hall is just barely able to construct enough
material to reach feature length, but only by splicing in several minutes of extraneous surf footage that has nothing to do
with anything else in the movie (and which was originally shown in color, but the TV print I watched was completely in black-and-white).
The final revelation appears to be a copout, but it actually contains some interesting generational subtext if you choose
to look at it that way (and Joan Gardner's screenplay is so inept that you have to wonder if it was accidental). Dupont
has some nice moments as the vampy stepmom, and Edmiston, later a popular character actor and voice artist who also wrote
MONSTER's songs, at least appears to be a professional thespian, which is more than can be said for the rest of the decidedly
mature teen cast. Hall never directed another film, and, in fact, never even acted again. Frank Sinatra, Jr. provided
the groovy surf score.
MONSTER HOUSE (2006)—Directed by Gil Kenan.
Stars Mitchel Musso, Spencer Locke, Sam Lerner, Steve Buscemi, Kathleen Turner. Charming CGI-animated horror comedy
about three curious kids who investigate the creepy old house across the street, where mean old man Nebbercracker (voiced
by Buscemi) steals all the balls and toys that bounce into his yard. They discover that the house is alive and possessed
by the soul of Nebbercracker’s cranky dead wife (Turner). Of course, no adults believe their story, so the kids
try to defeat the monster alone. Surprisingly scary in spots and deserving of its PG rating, MONSTER HOUSE is great
fun for children that won’t bore the adults, so long as they’re in the right frame of mind. It’s also
fun to pick out the celebrity voices, including Kevin James, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Lee, Jon Heder, Catherine O’Hara
and Fred Willard. Nominated for the Best Animated Feature Academy Award, but lost to HAPPY FEET.
THE MONSTER OF LONDON CITY (1964)--Directed by Edwin Zbonek. Stars Hansjorg Felmy, Marianne
Koch, Hans Nielsen, Fritz Tillmann. At the same time actor Richard Sand (Felmy) is portraying Jack the Ripper in a smash hit
play in London's East End, the city is being terrorized by a brutal slasher who's killing prostitutes the same way the real
Ripper did eighty years ago. Sand, a former drug addict who spent time years earlier in a sanitarium, becomes the prime suspect,
although there's no shortage of alternates, including police pathologist Michael (Nielsen), Richard's longtime friend who
also happens to be in love with Richard's girlfriend Ann (Koch); Sir George (Tillmann), Ann's guardian and a member of Parliament
who wants Richard's bloody show shut down; the play's director, who gets off on the publicity the murders provide for his
show; the play's furtive-looking stage manager; and a bumbling private eye investigating the killings on his own. Atmospherically
directed by Zbonek (THE MAD EXECUTIONERS), this West German "krimi" is based upon a novel by Bryan Edgar Wallace, and is pretty
good. Also with Dietmar Schonherr, Walter Pfeil, Peer Schmidt and Chariklia Baxevanos. Jazzy score by Martin Bottcher. Sinister
Cinema's dark-looking tape contains a number of jumps, splices and framing problems, is dubbed into English, contains some
surprising rear female nudity, and runs 89 minutes. Its original German title is DAS UNGEHEUER VON LONDON CITY.
MONSTER
ZERO (1966)--Directed by Inoshiro Honda. Stars Nick Adams, Akira Takarada. After destroying Tokyo 947 times, Toho
decided outer space would be an interesting setting for the King of the Monsters. When three-headed monster Ghidrah starts
wreaking havoc on Planet X, the alien government begs Earth to lend them Godzilla and Rodan to defeat the beast. Flying saucers
carry them to Planet X in plastic bubbles. However, it was all just a trick! Planet X plans to use all three monsters to invade
Earth! Pretty typical Japanese nonsense does feature three of the coolest monsters.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY
GRAIL (1974)--Directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones. Stars John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman,
Jones, and Gilliam. The best of the Monty Python films is an amazingly silly and hilarious farce about King Arthur and the
Knights of the Round Table and their quest for the Holy Grail. Capitalizes on its low budget by poking fun at itself (the
knights ride invisible horses). Best scene involves a knight who is hacked limb from limb in a sword fight, but refuses to
accept defeat. Totally anarchic comedy takes jabs at all forms of British society.
MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING
OF LIFE (1983)--Directed by Terry Jones. Stars John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam
and Terry Jones. The point of this hit-and-miss collection of Python skits seems to be to offend as many groups of people
as possible. The highlights of the typically irreverent Python project include the special-effects-laden lampoon of big business,
a bit on Catholicism and birth control, and an overweight man vomiting gallons of bile in a fancy restaurant. Not Monty Python's
best by a long shot, but there's enough here to amuse those with a strong stomach.
MOON OF THE WOLF (1972)--Directed by Daniel Petrie. Stars David Janssen, Bradford
Dillman, Barbara Rush, John Beradino, Geoffrey Lewis. An effective made-for-TV horror movie with very good performances,
MOON stars Janssen as Aaron Whitaker, the sheriff of the small Louisiana town where he grew up investigating the killing of
a pretty teenage girl whose body was ripped apart and left in the swamp. There doesn't seem to be any shortage of suspects,
including respected town doctor Druten (Beradino), who impregnated her, and her brother Lawrence Burrifors (Lewis), who had
a row with her the night she was killed. It soon appears someone has it in for the Burrifors family, as Lawrence and
his elderly father soon number among the victims. It also appears as though no man could have committed the murders,
but a monster with superhuman strength. A werewolf, perhaps?
Petrie's direction and Alvin Sapinsley's colorful, rich-in-characterization teleplay keep this 74-minute
froth moving at a nice clip, and Janssen brings a proper world-weary anchor to the fanciful proceedings. Authentic locations,
Bernardo Segall's unusual score and a fine cast of character actors make this above-average TV horror fare. Also with
Royal Dano, John Davis Chandler, Robert Phillips and Claudia McNeil. William and Thomas Tuttle created the werewolf
makeup, which is okay, but nicely hidden for the most part through quick cutting and smart camera placement.
MOON OVER PARADOR (1988)--Directed by Paul Mazursky. Stars Richard Dreyfuss, Raul Julia,
Sonia Braga, Dana Delany, Jonathan Winters. This uneven parody of banana republics features a wildly entertaining comic turn
by Dreyfuss. He plays an out-of-work New York actor who is recruited by Julia to impersonate a South American dictator after
the real ruler dies. No one else is aware of the scheme, which leads to funny confrontations with the ruler's sexy mistress
(Braga) and CIA man Winters. Sammy Davis, Jr. has a great cameo appearance.
MOONFIRE (1972)--Directed by Michael Parkhurst. Stars Richard Egan, Charles Napier,
Ken Norton. One of Napier's earliest lead roles was in this love song to truckers directed, produced and written by
a real-life semi driver. It's slow-moving, technically proficient and unusual in many ways. Egan (REDIGO) is the
nominal star, a trucker hired to deliver ransom money in exchange for a downed space capsule and its pilot. However,
he then vanishes for the next hour with a story of caring for his brother-in-law who lost his legs in a train accident, relinquishing
the job to his buddy Napier, who is teamed up with a taciturn truck driver known only as The Farmer (boxer Liston).
Meanwhile, there's some un-PC comic relief in the form of two lazy Mexicans, a reclusive Howard Hughesian billionaire, a Nazi
plantation owner hiding out in Texas, a lot of 18-wheelers cruising through the desert, a couple of original Marty Robbins
songs, a neat country score, and precious little action or plot logic. Also with Jose Gonzalez-Gonzalez, Rodolfo Hoyos
and Roger Galloway in about six different parts.
MOONRAKER (1979)--Directed by Lewis Gilbert. Stars Roger Moore, Lois Chiles, Michael Lonsdale,
Richard Kiel. Bottom-of-the-Bond-barrel adventure starts off strong with a pre-credit sequence involving 007 (Moore) and steel-toothed
villain Jaws (Kiel) in a freefall with only one parachute, but it's downhill quickly from there. Plot pits James Bond against
Hugo Drax (Lonsdale), who plans to rule the world from a space station and start his own master race. Moore is awful, the
jokes aren't funny, the action isn't thrilling, and the gadgetry is just too ludicrous. I loved it as a 12-year-old; that's
because it seems to be made for 12-year-olds. Chiles plays Holly Goodhead. Music by John Barry; silly theme performed by Shirley
Bassey.
MOONRUNNERS (1975)—Directed by Gy Waldron. Stars Jim Mitchum, Kiel Martin,
Arthur Hunnicutt, Chris Forbes, George Ellis, Waylon Jennings. MOONRUNNERS may be the most obscure film to spin off
a smash hit TV series. If you’ve seen THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, for which MOONRUNNERS writer/director Gy Waldron received
a “created by” credit, you know the plot of this backwoods car-crash picture shot in Georgia. Cousins Bobby
Lee (Martin) and Grady (Mitchum) Hagg and their uncle Jesse (Hunnicutt) burn rubber and battle the law while running moonshine
across Georgia. Much vehicular mayhem populates this fun actioner, which even includes a honkytonk called the Boar’s
Nest and narration by “balladeer” Waylon Jennings. Jesse, who favors quality over quantity, finds his shine
business in jeopardy from rival Jake Rainey (Ellis) and the New York Mob, who are threatening to push the Haggs out.
Waldron and producer Robert Clark made a lot of money over the years with this simple idea. United Artists tried to
market it as a sequel to THUNDER ROAD, presumably because a Mitchum was the headliner. Martin (later a regular on HILL
STREET BLUES) really has the lead role as the more charismatic Hagg cousin that romances pretty Beth Ann Eubanks (Forbes).
Some dialogue about dying young is a little sad on account of Martin’s untimely death from lung cancer in 1990.
MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS (1977)--Directed by Gus Trikonis. Stars John Saxon, William Conrad,
Susan Howard, Maureen McCormick, Claudia Jennings. An outstanding cast and plenty of good ol' boy action propel this Southern-fried
'70s drive-in classic. Three sexy sisters--Dot (Howard), the oldest; middle sis Betty (Jennings); and teenaged Sissy (McCormick)--plot
revenge after their bootlegger father is murdered by goons employed by county boss Jack Starkey (Conrad). Starkey--an obese,
foulmouthed, bearded lout who can often be found playing kinky sex games with assorted teenaged tarts--killed their pap to
prevent competition in the illegal liquor market, which again becomes flooded when the Hammer sisters discover a massive cache
of aged whiskey hidden in a tunnel beneath their shack. Saxon stars in the Burt Reynolds role as fast-talkin', gum-chewin',
hard-drivin', skirt-chasin' racecar ace J.B. Johnson, who runs liquor for Starkey, but eventually changes sides after some
curvy persuasion by Dot.
Exploitation vet Trikonis (THE EVIL, THE SWINGING BARMAIDS) expertly keeps the action humming
along, and the actors all seem to be having a nice time. Conrad in particular, who was just coming off his successful five-season
run as TV's CANNON, chews scenery nicely, and holds the screen even opposite his comelier co-stars. In fact, the entire project
probably felt like a class reunion--Jennings and Morgan Woodward, who plays Starkey's chief assassin Sweetwater, both guest-starred
on CANNON, while Saxon appeared in an episode of PETROCELLI, the Barry Newman lawyer series that starred Howard as Newman's
wife and Albert Salmi, who plays MOONSHINE COUNTY's sheriff, as his legman. Also of interest is McCormick's post-BRADY BUNCH
role as a foxy teen in short shorts and former Playmate of the Year Jennings's amiable though fully-clothed appearance.
If
you like swampy locations (although MOONSHINE was actually lensed in California), hot cars, hot women, good acting and lots
of stunts, you could do a lot worse than MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS, which was released by Roger Corman's New World Pictures
and produced by BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS's Ed Carlin. Also with Jeff Corey, Dub Taylor, Len Lesser, Bruce Kimball and the lovely
Candice Rialson as a teen sexpot. Fred Werner delivers the banjo-driven score.
MOONSTRUCK (1987)--Directed by Norman Jewison. Stars Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis,
Vincent Gardenia, Danny Aiello. Italian-American widow Cher breaks off her engagement to Aiello to pursue his wilder younger
brother Cage. Offbeat love story is bolstered by terrific performances and an Oscar-winning screenplay by John Patrick Shanley
(JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). Cher and Dukakis also won Academy Awards.
MOONTRAP (1989)—Directed by Robert Dyke.
Stars Walter Koenig, Bruce Campbell, Leigh Lombardi. Despite a tight budget and Koenig’s miscasting, MOONTRAP
is an ambitious space opera with interesting ideas and imaginative visual effects. Astronauts Grant (Koenig) and Tanner
(Campbell) discover a dead ship floating in orbit around Earth and bring back a skeleton and an odd container made from an
unbreakable alloy. The container is actually an alien robot that uses found objects to construct a much larger robot
that uses advanced weaponry to attack NASA headquarters. Grant destroys it, but it is clear that he and Tanner must
investigate its origins on the moon’s surface, where they discover an alien base and a humanoid woman (Lombardi) in
suspended animation. Setting aside the scientific unlikelihood that the alien’s ship and base, neither of which
are concealed, could go undetected all this time, MOONTRAP is fairly entertaining and decently paced. Dyke somehow convinces
us that his actors are really walking on the moon, and the design of the robots is creepy. Koenig, recognizable to SF
fans as STAR TREK’s Chekov, is not really up to his role as an action lead (who even plays a ludicrous love scene on
the moon’s surface), and his obvious hairpiece is a distraction. Fans, however, will likely enjoy Campbell’s
loose sidekick, an entertaining performance more restrained than his EVIL DEAD work. Dyke filmed MOONTRAP in Michigan
(Campbell’s home state), and went on to work again with both leads in separate productions down the road.
MORE WILD, WILD WEST (1980)--Directed by Burt Kennedy. Stars Robert Conrad, Ross
Martin, Jonathan Winters. CBS' 1979 telecast of THE WILD, WILD WEST REVISITED was a ratings success, so a year later
we got MORE WILD, WILD WEST. Unfortunately, the network botched it by airing it in on consecutive nights in two one-hour
segments opposite the 1980 World Series. When they repeated it the following year, it was opposite the Academy Awards.
It's doubtful anybody except diehard WWW fans ever saw this, not that there's any reason to seek it out. This slow-moving
sequel contains too much alleged comedy and not enough action, even though it was written (William Bowers) and directed by
the same team who made the first reunion movie.
Once again, 19th-century Secret Service agents James T. West (Conrad) and Artemus Gordon (Martin) are called
out of retirement to stop an evil genius from destroying the world. Paul Williams was too busy to reprise his WWWR role
as Miguelito Loveless, so Winters was hired to play Albert Paradine II, a Nevada loony who can turn himself invisible and
plans to blow up the world's leaders during a Washington, D.C. peace conference. West and Gordon barely go through the
motions of caring about stopping him, while Winters mugs up a storm in a pretty bad performance. Conrad and Martin still
have great chemistry together, but it's wasted in a movie that doesn't seem to understand what made the '60s TV show so memorable.
Jokes referring to Henry Kissinger and "The Incredible Hulk" have given it a dated feel the series doesn't have. Also
with Harry Morgan and Rene Auberjonois back from the first movie, as well as a gorgeous 20-year-old Emma Samms in what may
be her first American TV role (she's pretty stiff in it), "B.J. & the Bear" twins Candi & Randi Brough, Victor Buono,
Liz Torres, Avery Schreiber, Dave Madden, Gino Conforti, Dr. Joyce Brothers and Jack LaLanne. Jeff Alexander's score
hits the target. Less than a year after MWWW's initial airing, Martin died of a heart attack at age 61. Conrad
played G. Gordon Liddy in a made-for-TV movie next.
THE MORNING AFTER (1986)--Directed by Sidney Lumet. Stars Jane Fonda, Jeff Bridges, Raul
Julia, Diane Salinger. Alcoholic bleached-blond movie star Fonda wakes up after a drunken one-night stand to discover a dead
stranger in her bed. She runs into stranger Bridges at the airport, who helps her solve the mystery. Lumet throws a few too
many red herrings into the mix and the climax is weak, but Fonda and Bridges give good performances; in fact, Jane received
a Best Actress Oscar nomination.
MORTAL KOMBAT (1995)--Directed by Paul Anderson. Stars Christopher
Lambert. The best movie-based-on-a-popular-video-game made so far, which, I realize, is not great praise. However, I think
you'll find this slick adventure a tad better than your expectations. Some bad guys from "Atworld" (?) want to rule our world,
and will be able to do so if they can defeat our champions ten times in a row at Mortal Kombat (a series of martial-arts competitions).
The baddies have taken nine straight, so good god Rayden (Lambert in a long, white fright wig) recruits an egotistical karate-movie
star, a foxy blonde in tight pants (Bridgette Wilson of LAST ACTION HERO), and a Chinese teen avenging his brother's death
at the hands of evil god Shang-Chi. None of this makes a lick of sense, but the sets and FX are nice, the fight scenes are
plentiful and well done, and Lambert has the smarts not to take any of it too seriously.
MORTAL PASSIONS (1989)—Directed by Andrew
Lane. Stars Krista Errickson, Zach Galligan, Michael Bowen, Luca Bercovici. Just a few years later, after BASIC INSTINCT was
a smash hit, dozens of low-budget independent movies exactly like this flooded video stores and pay cable networks. And like
most of those, there’s little about MORTAL PASSIONS to set it apart from the rest of the pack. Errickson, a brunette
with a cute overbite, is not up to the task of playing the femme fatale, Emily, who’s married to weakling Todd (Galligan).
Todd, overwrought by his father’s recent death, attempted suicide and is in the process of remodeling the family home,
where he and Emily currently live. She wants out of the marriage to be with her lover Darcy (Bercovici) and wants a share
of her in-law’s estate, but poor, dumb lug Todd wants to be with her. Bowen, later Michael Keaton’s partner in
JACKIE BROWN, plays Todd’s brother Berke, a slightly shady type who wants to protect his brother using any means necessary.
Neither erotic nor thrilling, this noir wannabe by the producers of VALLEY GIRL, NIGHT OF THE COMET, and JAKE SPEED lacks
story and atmosphere, as well as performers necessary to elevate it to something worth watching. Also with David Warner and
Sheila Kelley (L.A. LAW). Errickson, as a child actress, replaced Donna Wilkes as McLean Stevenson’s older daughter
on HELLO, LARRY.
MORTUARY (1983)—Directed by Howard Avedis. Stars Mary McDonough, Christopher
George, Lynda Day George, David Wallace, Bill Paxton. The same year TV goody-goody Melissa Sue Anderson (LITTLE HOUSE
ON THE PRAIRIE) sullied her image by acting in the slasher flick HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, WALTONS girl McDonough played the heroine
in this inferior thriller. Avedis’ typically clumsy direction and a lack of surprises heavily damage the scare
factor. As an example, the obvious red herring really is the killer, and a dopey witchcraft subplot is left unfulfilled.
A year after her father was killed in a swimming pool accident, young Christie (McDonough) continues to maintain
he was murdered. Neither her boyfriend (Wallace) nor her mother (Lynda Day George) buys into the theory, though Christie
continues to have nightmares about the incident and sleepwalk into the pool at night. It goes without saying that when
she claims a knife-wielding creep in a black cape is trying to murder her, her cries go unanswered. Christopher George,
who slummed in a lot of these pictures before his untimely death in 1983, the year Artists Releasing Corporation released
MORTUARY, plays a mortician who partakes in Satanic séances with Christie’s mother, and a young Bill Paxton—despite
an inexplicable (in this context) Texas accent—plays George’s weirdo son who listens to Mozart and (literally)
skips through a cemetery.
I don’t think Avedis ever made a legitimately good movie, and MORTUARY wastes a golden opportunity.
The funeral home setting is ripe for a creepy thriller, and John Cacavas contributes a fine score. Avedis and his co-writer/wife
Marlene Schmidt let everyone down, however, with their cheap script and ludicrous ending obviously inspired by FRIDAY THE
13TH, but plays more like the end of the Georges’ PIECES. Awesome to see Alvy Moore in a quick bit as Wallace’s
father. McDonough, who appears to have been doubled in her nude scenes, later popped her top in a junky DTV called ONE
OF THOSE NIGHTS.
MOST WANTED (1997)--Directed by David Glenn Hogan. Stars Keenan Ivory Wayans, Jill Hennessy,
Jon Voight. Wayans also wrote this routine actioner about an Army soldier on death row who is whisked away from prison by
a maverick general (Voight) and forced to work as an assassin for the government. Wayans agrees to do so, since it's better
than prison, although he quickly changes his mind when Voight frames him for the murder of the First Lady! Movie details the
chases, fights and misunderstandings that ensue as Wayans tries to prove his innocence while avoiding Voight's men. Voight
turns in the film's most colorful performance, going way over the top in his portrayal of the crazed general. He's about the
only entertaining thing in the movie; despite an amazing exploitation cast including Paul Sorvino, Eric Roberts and Robert
Culp, none of them are given much screen time or opportunity to test their acting chops. Hennessy is beautiful as an innocent
nurse drawn into the web by Wayans, but she's wasted, and the filmmakers seem too timid to introduce any semblance of an interracial
romance.
MOTHER, JUGS & SPEED (1976)--Directed by Peter Yates. Stars Bill Cosby, Raquel Welch,
Harvey Keitel. Guess who plays "Jugs". Raucous episodic black comedy about three ambulance workers who come across all sorts
of humorous and tragic emergencies in the big city. Good cast includes Larry Hagman, Dick Butkus, Allen Garfield and Bruce
Davison. One gag involving Hagman and a dead teenager is a tad tasteless. From the director of BULLITT.
MOTHRA
(1962)--Directed by Inoshiro Honda & Lee Kresel. Stars Frankie Sakai, Hiroshi Koizumi, Yumi Ito, Jerry Ito. One of the
best Japanese monster movies involves a pair of twin six-inch-tall alien princesses (the Itos) who are kidnapped by an evil
nightclub owner. The ladies pray to their great god Mothra, and pretty soon, a giant moth is destroying all of downtown Tokyo.
From the creators of Godzilla and Gamera.
MOTOR PSYCHO (1965)--Directed by Russ Meyer. Stars Alex Rocco, Haji, Stephen Oliver,
Holle Winters. Meyer's bleak black-and-white thriller is awash in wild dialogue, sleazy action and harsh desert scenery.
Three bikers on wimpy Yamahas, led by psychotic 'Nam vet Brahmin (Oliver), roar through the Southwestern desert, where they
rape the sexy wife (Winters) of veterinarian Corey (Rocco) and murder the nasty husband of Cajun spitfire Ruby (Haji).
MOTOR PSYCHO's first half is dedicated to demonstrating the insouciant depravity of Brahmin's gang, and the rest to Corey's
pursuit of revenge, as he and Ruby rip through the dusty back roads in his rickety pickup truck. Igo Kantor's musical
tracks really swing, and even though there's no nudity in this one, the incredible bodies of Haji and Winters make you comprehend
how the men in their lives could become so obsessed with them. Meyer also produced, shot and edited MOTOR PSYCHO, an
amazing demonstration of his stature as one of independent cinema's great craftsmen. Also with Coleman Francis, Sharon
Lee, Joseph Cellini and Meyer.
MOTORCYLE GANG (1957)—Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Steve Terrell, John
Ashley, Anne Neyland, Carl Switzer. AIP surely has some nerve remaking its own DRAGSTRIP GIRL just a few months later.
And with stars Terrell and Ashley, director Cahn and writer Lou Rusoff all returning. It must have been the easiest
two weeks of their lives, considering they had already made this movie once. Once again, good guy Terrell, a motorcycle
racer hoping to win the big race, and bad guy Ashley, who blames Terrell for the 15 months he spent in the slam for running
down an old man, find themselves battling for the attentions of a girl, this time cycle-loving hellion Neyland. Terrell
has to stay on the straight and narrow in order to stay eligible to compete in the race, but he finally buckles under to Ashley’s
constant baiting and is almost killed during a chicken run across an oily train trestle. MOTORCYCLE GANG plays like
an SCTV parody with Rusoff’s nutty slang-filled dialogue and the unrestrained performances perfect parody fare.
Supporting actor Switzer is best known as Alfalfa of the Little Rascals; his braying comic relief will have you pleading for
the comparatively subtle comic stylings of the Hal Roach shorts. Russ Bender plays a cop, as usual, and the still-working
Aki Aleong appears in his first film as a comic-relief cook. Music by Albert Glasser. Ashley made this film while
on furlough from the U.S. Army.
MOTORCYCLE GANG (1994)—Directed by John Milius.
Stars Gerald McRaney, Jake Busey, Carla Gugino, Elan Oberon, Marshall Teague. Who woulda thought someone, even a repressed
middle-aged war vet, could do so much damage to the human body with a shovel? DEADWOOD fans might want to seek out MOTORCYCLE
GANG, in which a typically tight-lipped 1950s family man played by McRaney (George Hearst on the HBO western series) sheds
his uptight skin when the safety of his family is at stake.
MOTORCYCLE GANG is one of a series of B-movie remakes the Showtime
cable network produced under the REBEL HIGHWAY umbrella title. All were based on movies released in the '50s by American International
Pictures, Hollywood's leading producer of action, science fiction, horror, fantasy, musical and other low-budget genre fodder
of the era. Like many of the REBEL HIGHWAY movies, MOTORCYCLE GANG was made by a name director, John Milius (of RED DAWN and
CONAN THE BARBARIAN fame), and took little more than its title from the earlier AIP film. It does preserve the 1950s setting
of the original, however, even though the timeline seems a bit off as events unwind in the film.
Milius spends the first half of his 83-minute film setting up his
characters, which are little more than clichés of Ike-era Caucasians. Cal Morris (McRaney), a veteran of World War II who
keeps his emotions tightly coiled within, is driving crosscountry through the desert to California along with his sexually
confused wife Jean (Milius' wife Oberon), who's having an affair with the next-door neighbor, and their virginal teenage daughter
Leeann (Gugino), who wears a photo of fab Fabian pinned to the sweater stretched tightly over her womanly bosom. Cal's increased
emotional reticence over the years of their marriage has caused Jean to seek acceptance with another man, and she reacts to
the flattery of a pair of beatnik photographers complimenting her beauty with a combination of embarrassment and exhilaration.
Leeann, meanwhile, is a good girl, but just becoming aware of her burgeoning sexuality and more than a little curious about
it. She's naive, but not foolish, and is open enough about sex to tell her father about the honeymooning couple she heard
through the thin motel walls the night before.
J. Edgar Hoover's dream family is shattered when it's attacked by
a foursome of motorcycle toughs led by toothy Jake Busey. The object of a manhunt involving Texas police and a Texas Ranger
(Teague) interested in "frontier justice," Busey and his boys attack the Morris' Ford and kidnap Leeann, taking her across
the border to Mexico where the gang deals in pills and heroin.
Leeann seems strangely at ease with her abduction, although maybe
it was the way of '50s women not to argue, even with greasy-haired kidnappers. This section of the film, which also depicts
Cal's dubious decision to handle the situation himself, rather than seek the help of law enforcement, feels incomplete. Cal,
up to his point, has appeared to be a by-the-book guy, and we're given no indication that the police are incapable or uninterested
in taking his complaint seriously. Meanwhile, Leeann barely struggles with her captor and even goes along with his initial
attempt at seduction, at least until it turns violent.
What Milius doesn't prepare us for is the satisfyingly violent and
surprisingly bloody climax to the story, where McRaney, who has done his best to keep his violent war experiences from his
family, sharpens up his camping shovel and invades the bikers' country hideout, armed for gory vengeance. It's a royal ass-shiving
that earns the film's R rating and a whole mess o' drive-in satisfaction the makers of the original MOTORCYCLE GANG (directed
by B-movie stalwart Edward L. Cahn) could barely have imagined.
MOVERS & SHAKERS (1985)—Directed by William
Asher. Stars Walter Matthau, Charles Grodin, Vincent Gardenia, Bill Macy, Tyne Daly. MGM barely released this
short (79 minutes) PG comedy written, co-produced and starring Grodin. It played on cable and on home video, but was
hardly remembered by anyone until Grodin chose it to run on his “guest programmer” night on Turner Classic Movies—a
brave selection, since nobody ever programs one of his own movies.
It probably isn’t strongly recalled because it isn’t
very funny, though Grodin is always good for a few scattered laughs. He plays Herb Derman, a screenwriter tasked with
an impossible assignment. Studio head Matthau, as a promise to a dying friend (Gardenia), wants to buy the rights to
a best-selling sex manual and make a film out of it using only the title—LOVE IN SEX. How does one do that?
Damned if Matthau knows, and neither do Derman or Sid Spokane (Macy), the crazy director hired to shape Derman’s screenplay—if
he ever writes it—into a feature film.
The “inside baseball” material, including some off-the-wall
story conferences, deliver the most laughs, but Grodin also opens up the film to include his character’s home life,
such as his sexless marriage to wife Daly, which we really don’t care about. Asher, a former director of I LOVE
LUCY and AIP Beach Party movies, should have been able to mine this material for outside-the-box gags, but he directs efficiently
but coldly. Steve Martin in an outrageous cameo as a 70-year-old Italian lothario is the only performer willing to stick
his neck out and be broad.
Asher never again directed a feature film, though he did tackle
a pair of TV-series reunion movies. The short running time, an evident low budget and some technical shortcomings indicate
a troubled production that perhaps Grodin will get around to writing about in a book someday. Also with Gilda Radner,
Earl Boen, Michael Lerner, William Prince and Penny Marshall.
MOVIN' WITH NANCY (1967)--Directed by Jack Haley Jr. Stars Nancy Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy
Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra. Sponsored by Royal Crown Cola and broadcast over NBC Television in 1967, this variety special starring
Frank's blond bombshell daughter was unusual in that it was shot in 16mm and consisted of filmed vignettes done music-video
style on location, rather than being taped in a studio in front of a live audience. While some of the songs--including "Sugartown"
and "Jackson", a duet with music supervisor Lee Hazlewood--are pretty fun, you'd have to be a pretty big Nancy fan to get
a thrill out of most of them. Dino does a solo number clad in a tux and duets with Nancy on Bobby Darin's "Things", a Nehru-jacket
clad Sammy does a funky dance during Nancy's cover of Ray Charles' "What'd I Say?", and Frank is filmed in a recording studio
with his arranger Billy Strange.
Surprisingly, both Nancy and Haley recorded an audio commentary for the DVD; it isn't
particularly insightful, but they do seem quite chummy together and provide a few interesting facts, such as pointing out
locations in Griffith Park, Sepulveda Basin, Carmel, Malibu, Fort Pierce in San Francisco and the Los Angeles County Museum;
identifying THE EVIL director Gus Trikonis as one of the T-shirt-wearing trampoline-bouncing dancers in a production number;
and revealing that one of the cameramen was future CHINATOWN cinematographer John Alonzo.
Haley received an Emmy Award
for his direction, while Nancy was nominated for a Golden Globe as Best Female TV Star. The DVD also contains the original
RC Cola commercials featuring Art Linkletter, Nancy, and Dino, Desi & Billy (which appear in their proper context during
the special) and scrumptious shots of the original Nancy Sinatra LP covers, including SUGAR, which features Nancy in a hot
pink bikini; I once worked for a radio station that had this album hanging on the wall of the newsroom so we could gaze upon
this lovely photo every day. Oh, yeah, Frank Sinatra Jr. appears briefly too.
MOVING TARGET (1997)--Directed by Damian Lee.
Stars Michael Dudikoff, Billy Dee Williams, Ardon Bess. Action fans may be disappointed by this talky Dudikoff vehicle.
Bounty hunter Sonny McLean (Dudikoff) takes a freelance gig bringing in a Russian bail jumper. His target is killed,
and Sonny is blamed. Turns out the man was involved with the Russian mob, which puts out a hit on Sonny. Williams
is wasted as Dudikoff’s pal on the police force. Also with Michelle Johnson as Sonny’s pregnant girlfriend.
Filmed in Toronto by the director of AGENT RED.
MOVING VIOLATION (1976)--Directed by Charles S. Dubin. Stars Stephen McHattie, Kay
Lenz, Lonny Chapman. Roger and Julie Corman served as executive producer and producer, respectively, in this 20th Century
Fox car-chase movie. A pair of young hippies, drifter Eddie (McHattie) and hometown cheerleader Camille (Lenz), witness
the town sheriff (Chapman) murdering one of his deputies. Running for their lives in a series of stolen vehicles, the
two youths are blamed for a resulting crime spree and targeted by the local cops as "armed and dangerous" terrorists.
Dubin, who jumped a lot of cars and blew up plenty of stuff on TV shows like KOJAK and CANNON, but who rarely directed features,
provides the drive-in audience with a steady stream of smashed-up cars, shootings and stunts, although Roger Corman's habit
of "skip-framing" to make the chases look faster is annoying and distracting. I think the mumbly McHattie, who acted
in Corman's VON RICHTOVEN AND BROWN, is slightly miscast (he, not surprisingly, played James Dean in a telefilm the same year),
and I would prefer more star power in Chapman's role (perhaps Eddie Albert, who pops up in the final half-hour as a sympathetic
lawyer), but Lenz is appealing as always, and Dubin's pacing, assisted by the stunt coordination by Barbara Peeters (who directed
New World films for Corman), helps to provide a fun romp. Also with Will Geer, John S. Ragin, Jack Murdock, Jason Wingreen,
Norman Bartold and Dick Miller. Good score by Don Peake. Phil Everly contributes the catchy theme, "Detroit Man".
MOVING VIOLATIONS (1985)--Directed by Neil Israel. Stars Joel Murray, James Keach, Jennifer
Tilly, Brian Backer. Relatively lame POLICE ACADEMY ripoff about raucous students in a mandatory drivers education class.
Murray does an embarrassing impression of real-life brother Bill. Also with Fred Willard, Sally Kellerman and Clara "Where's
the beef?" Peller.
MUGGABLE MARY, STREET COP (1982)--Directed by Sandor Stern. Stars Karen Valentine,
John Getz, Michael Pearlman. The extremely likable Valentine stars in this true story as Mary Glatzle, a divorcee with
a seven-year-old son with a medical condition who decides to join the New York City Police Department because of its health
benefits. After facing hazing and discrimination during training from macho instructors and colleagues, Mary becomes
one of the department's leading undercover policewomen, leading her precinct in arrests through her decoys as prostitutes,
pregnant housewives and mugging victims. Son Eric (Pearlman) worries about his overprotective mother as much as she
dotes over him, which leads to a domestic crisis when she decides to join the team tracking a Central Park serial killer who
has already slashed one well-trained police decoy. Based on a book by the real-life Glatzle, who served as MARY's technical
advisor, Stern's teleplay finds the right mix of domestic and professional material, sensitively not going overboard into
soap-opera territory. While the diminutive Valentine hits the right notes, getting us to root for "Muggable" Mary, Getz
is too smarmy as her co-worker and lover--too much of a jerk for our beloved Karen. Stern shot entirely in NYC and assembled
a fine supporting cast, including Vincent Gardenia, Bill Smitrovich, Alan North, Dan Lauria, Anna Maria Horsford, Ray Abruzzo,
Frederick Coffin, Tom Nardini, Richard Kind and Steve James in a ski mask. Music by Earle Hagen. I remember this
as being a ratings smash for CBS. Valentine, an Emmy winner for ROOM 222, appeared regularly in made-for-TV movies during
the 1980's, but seems to have retired after that decade.
THE MUGGER (1958)--Directed by William Berke. Stars Kent Smith, Nan Martin, James Franciscus.
Another low-budget programmer produced and directed by Berke, and based on one of Ed McBain's 87TH PRECINCT novels. A mugger
who attacks women at night, steals their purses, and carves a gash into their left cheek baffles police. Police shrink Pete
Graham (Smith in probably his only film lead) is called in to investigate while nuzzling undercover cop Martin and helping
cabbie Franciscus deal with his precocious teenage sister-in-law. Not quite as good as Berke's COP HATER, which was harder-hitting
and had a stronger cast (including Robert Loggia), but it's sharply photographed and moves at a brisk pace (it's only 74 minutes
long). Also with Dick ONeill, Leonard Stone, Renee Taylor, Beah Richards, George Maharis and Michael Conrad. Music by Albert
Glasser.
MULE FEATHERS (1977)--Directed by Donald R. von
Mizener. Stars Rory Calhoun, Arthur Roberts and the voice of Don Knotts. This leaden comedy is just about as bad
as movies get. It's a PG slapstick western starring Calhoun as a conman who poses as a priest and carries on conversations
using mental telepathy (!) with his donkey (!), who's voiced by Don Knotts. It's like a much stupider version of A BOY
AND HIS DOG, but with no cannibalism. The post-synched sound makes it look really cheap, as does the fact that they
only shoot the western town set from two angles. The comedy is grim, the editing incomprehensible, and the sound effects
juvenile. MULE FEATHERS is a tough 80 minutes. Also with Nicholas Worth, Doodles Weaver and Richard Webb. Von
Mizener also wrote and produced the damn thing. He didn’t make another movie, probably because some ticket buyer
strangled the bastard.
MULHOLLAND FALLS (1996)--Directed by Lee Tamahori. Stars Nick Nolte, Chazz Palminteri,
Melanie Griffith, Jennifer Connelly, Michael Madsen, Chris Penn. An effective attempt at film noir, this mystery borrows quite
a bit from CHINATOWN. In the 1950s, Nolte is the leader of a band of L.A. cops called "The Hat Squad" (played by Palminteri,
Madsen and Penn) who use vigilante-like tactics in their battle to keep organized crime out of the City of Angels. They are
called to investigate the murder of a gorgeous young girl found crushed to death in a construction site--a debutante (Connelly
in a breathtakingly sexy performance) once involved in a six-month secret affair with the married Nolte, who broke it off
so he wouldn't hurt his wife (Griffith). No one--not even his partners--was aware of the relationship between Nolte and the
dead girl, so everyone finds it unusual when Nolte becomes obsessed with the case. Meanwhile, since things are never as they
seem in movies like this, the Squad becomes involved with national security, atomic testing, blackmail, pornography and threats
from the FBI.
The Madsen and Penn characters are, unfortunately, not developed very well, but an atmospheric screenplay
by novelist Pete Dexter, gorgeous production design by Richard Sylbert (who worked on CHINATOWN) and good performances by
an all-star cast make this an entertaining mystery. Nolte gives his best performance in a while, and Connelly is a real standout.
This is her first decent role in sometime, and she makes the best of it, coming off as a sweet and sexy combination of Marilyn
Monroe and Betty Page. Great cast includes Bruce Dern, John Malkovich, Treat Williams, Andrew McCarthy, William Petersen,
Daniel Baldwin and Rob Lowe.
MULTIPLICITY (1996)--Directed by Harold Ramis. Stars Michael Keaton,
Andie MacDowell, Harris Yulin. Funny fluff with Keaton in prime comic mode as a father, husband and construction engineer
who discovers there are just not enough hours in the day to devote himself to all three. Therefore, with the aid of scientist
Yulin, Keaton clones himself so he can stay home and take care of the house and kids, while wife MacDowell returns to her
real estate job. Meanwhile, the clone (named Two, a macho workaholic) takes care of his duties at work. This causes even more
stress and confusion (wife, kids and co-workers are kept in the dark about this extra Keaton), so clone number Three (a prissy
fussbudget) is created. Eventually a Four creeps into the mess (the film refers to him as an "idiot", but he seems more retarded
than anything else).
Unlike director Ramis' previous hit, GROUNDHOG DAY (also with Andie MacDowell), in which Bill
Murray kept reliving the same day over and over again, MULTIPLICITY doesn't really seem to be making any kind of statement
about family life or anything else. It just wants to make people laugh, and it does a good job of that. Keaton is absolutely
marvelous; he's one of the funniest actors around, and here he has created four different characters--all very distinctive,
yet, since they are identical clones, all containing small similarities. The eyeboggling visual effects created by Oscar-winner
Richard Edlund (CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND) complete the job--scenes involving two or more Keatons on screen together
are technically flawless. Also with Eugene Levy, Richard Masur, John de Lancie and Ann Cusack. MacDowell is gorgeous, but
continues to be one of Hollywood's most wooden actresses.
THE MUMMY (1999)--Directed by Stephen Sommers.
Stars Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, Arnold Vosloo, John Hannah. More Indiana Jones-type thrills than Karloff-style chills
in this loose remake of Universals 1932 horror classic, but that's all right, since this is a rip-roaring, edge-of-your-seat
adventure that should bring a smile to the face of kids of all ages. Sommers, whose 1998 sea-monster flick DEEP RISING was
a pleasant surprise, containing just the right mixture of action, thrills and tongue-in-cheek humor, duplicates that successful
formula here.
3000 years after his assassination by the Pharaoh, Imhotep (South African actor Vosloo) returns from
his tomb to exact vengeance upon the world and to find a human sacrifice to reincarnate his long-lost love Anck-Su-Namann
(played in a visually stunning prologue by visually stunning supermodel Patricia Velasquez). Long buried beneath the lost
City of the Dead, Imhotep is discovered by a group of 1920s explorers including cute and clumsy British librarian Evelyn (Weisz),
her roguish sot of a brother Jonathan (Hannah), some arrogant American explorers whose role is merely to pad out the body
count, and the hero: American Rick O'Connell (Fraser), a cocky wisecracker who's recruited by Weisz while his life is (literally)
hanging in the balance. O'Connell's job, as he puts it himself in one of many clever asides in Sommers's screenplay, is to
"rescue the damsel in distress, stop the bad guy, and save the world". Imhotep is quite a formidable foe too; he kills people
in order to harvest their skin and organs, he can control sand (and transform himself into a raging sandstorm), and he plans
to unleash an army of plagues unto the Earth.
There's a lot of fun stuff here. Industrial Light and Magic's CGI effects
(led by John Berton) are pretty amazing while sometimes reminiscent of Ray Harryhausen's stop-motion work. Sommers's direction
is slick and fast-paced--he rarely stops to take a breather--and while his script contains its fair share of holes, the cast
is game enough to make you forget them. Fraser in particular is a revelation--he's big, good-looking, handles the action scenes
well, and, while not possessed of Harrison Ford-like charisma, is very charming and likable. After his work in this and GODS
AND MONSTERS, this could be the beginning of a very successful movie career. Also with Kevin J. O'Connor, Jonathan Hyde, Oded
Fehr, Erick Avari, Aharon Ipale and Bernard Fox. Rousing score by Jerry Goldsmith. Filmed in Morocco.
THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969)—Directed
by Oliver Drake. Stars Anthony Eisley, John Carradine, Robert Alan Brown, Marliza Pons, Maurine Dawson and Saul Goldsmith
as The Mummy. Totally whack low-budget chiller is as dorky as the title indicates. Star Eisley, who had one helluva
1969 (he also made THE MIGHTY GORGA and DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN that year), later claimed 66-year-old director Drake was
senile.
Eisley, who was a handsome, competent, likable leading man, is miscast
as archeologist David Barrie, the unhinged discoverer of two ancient Egyptian sarcophagi in a plane crash outside Las Vegas.
He drags them back to his shack, where he falls uncomfortably in love with the 4000-years-dead Princess Akanna (Pons), who
comes back to life and strikes David with a curse that turns him into a were-jackal during a full moon.
While Eisley’s stunt double in a ridiculous hairy jackal head
stumbles around Vegas killing cops (Eisley said he was supposed to play the Jackal-Man, but talked his stuntman into it, and
the director never knew the difference), the other sarcophagus reveals a hilariously fat mummy that waddles around with Fred
Sanford and kills a stripper. Eventually, the two monsters meet in a climactic surf showdown that had me wondering what
those moth-eaten costumes must have smelled like when wet.
Produced by the shortlived Vega International Pictures, MUMMY was
never released theatrically and, according to Eisley, never finished. It stunk up a vault someplace until Academy Home
Entertainment put it out on VHS in 1985 in a cropped, squeezed, murky-looking print. Drake, who bounced around Hollywood
for decades as a writer and director of B-westerns and LASSIE episodes, had penned THE MUMMY’S CURSE for Universal in
the 1940s. He went on to direct two sex films before retiring.
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008)—Directed
by Rob Cohen. Stars Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello, John Hannah, Luke Ford, Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, Isabella Leong.
I liked 1999's THE MUMMY, missed THE MUMMY RETURNS, and wish I had missed the second MUMMY sequel, THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE
DRAGON EMPEROR. It's a poorly directed, lazily scripted period adventure that is so badly cast, I spent most of the running
time figuring how a 30-year-old man could have a 45-year-old wife and a 20-year-old son. I realize Brendan Fraser and Maria
Bello (a good actress replacing Rachel Weisz who is hamstrung by both her newly dark locks and her wobbly British accent)
are only a year apart, but they don't look or act it, and Luke Ford as their son looks and acts like Fraser's brother. The
plot finds the O'Connells in China, where they fight an evil 2000-year-old Chinese despot (Jet Li) who has to get to Shangri-La
and bathe in a pool of immortality in order to break the curse placed upon him by a witch (Michelle Yeoh) and summon his undead
army to rule the world. Watching the mummy/zombies do battle at the climax reminded me of how much fun--and how much better
the visual effects were--it was when ARMY OF DARKNESS did it fifteen years ago. Director Rob Cohen shoots too many closeups,
and his shaky-cam action sequences are rendered incomprehensible, so much so that it might as well have been Seth Rogen performing
martial arts as Jet Li. Li is rendered using CGI for most of the film, leaving only Yeoh coming through this bloated film
with any elegance and dignity.
MURDER AT 1600 (1997)-Directed by Dwight Little.
Stars Wesley Snipes, Diane Lane, Alan Alda, Daniel Benzali, Dennis Miller. Don't ask me how I've managed to miss this
loopy thriller up to now, but 1997's MURDER AT 1600 is one of the most delightfully bad movies I've seen in awhile.
It has a delicious premise-sexy young woman is found murdered in a White House restroom-and an oddball cast of supporting
actors that may have been picked at random from a casting director's "old white guys" binder. Under the direction of
schlockmeister Dwight Little, the action scenes are serviceable and the pacing flows well...so well that you might occasionally
forget how ludicrous the plot is.
Wesley Snipes stars as Harlan Regis (!), a Washington, D.C. homicide
detective (a part reportedly earmarked for Bruce Willis) who is summoned to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to investigate a murder.
A beautiful young blonde is found stabbed to death in the White House, and a janitor is quickly arrested. Of course,
he couldn't be the killer, because he isn't played by a name actor (and the movie would be over), but Regis' attempts to look
into the victim's personal life are stonewalled by the Secret Service. Daniel Benzali (MURDER ONE) portrays the head
of the Secret Service, and Alan Alda (M*A*S*H) is the President's National Security Advisor. We know this because there's
actually a scene where the two men say to each other, "I run the Secret Service." "And I'm the National Security Advisor."
Obviously, the two men know this already, but, as if they realize they're being watched by an audience, they graciously introduce
themselves for us.
Also here is Diane Lane as Nina Chance, apparently the only non-sinister
Secret Service agent on staff. Little establishes early on that Nina won an Olympic gold medal in sharpshooting-no prize
for guessing whether that skill comes into play later on. The Presidential-looking Ronny Cox (ROBOCOX) plays the wimp
Chief Executive, who refuses to send U.S. troops into North Korea to rescue American hostages, against the wishes of his entire
staff and Cabinet. The strangest casting choice is Dennis Miller, who spent the mid-1990's popping up in mainstream
movies as the wisecracking best pal/sacrificial lamb that you knew was going to end up dead or maimed by the end of the movie.
Here he's Steve Stengel, Wesley's partner who spends most of his time sleeping or watching TV while Snipes is out investigating
the murder. Miller's job is to fill in extraneous plot information and to get shot, giving the hero a personal motive
to solve the case.
Perhaps the film's wackiest scene takes place in Snipes' apartment.
It's established that Wesley is a history buff who has built a huge scale model of 19th-century Washington, D.C. that takes
up his entire living room. Again, no prize for guessing that this unusual skill will eventually come into play.
He comes home one night and notices a couple of his little figures have fallen to the floor. Hmmm, how could that have
happened? Then he finds a bolt on the floor. He looks up to see a heating grid in the ceiling. This ceiling
is very high off the floor, and as we see in a later scene, can only be reached by ladder. Wesley figures there must
be a prowler in his pad, so he pulls his piece and wanders around. In the bedroom, he sees an open window and wet footprints
(it's raining out) leading away from it. He follows the prints into the bathroom and is ambushed by the burglar, leading
to a fight and a chase. The intruder was sent by the Secret Service to bug Wesley's apartment, but the absurdity of
the scene-never mind that the guy could never have reached the vent and that he sure did a terrible job of covering his tracks-lies
in the footprints. So what happened? The guy heard Wesley and started to leave via the window? Stepped outside,
then changed his mind, came back in, and hid in the bathroom, leaving an easy trail for Snipes to follow?
The writing gets even more howlingly funny, as we find out that
the White House is accessible through secret underground passages built by Abraham Lincoln as a potential escape route from
invading Confederate troops. The killer turns out to be the one character not an obvious red herring, as they always
are in these films. The killer's motive is completely ridiculous, as the murder is revealed to be just one part of an
elaborate Goldbergian scenario that would require an enormous amount of planning-off the top of your head, you can probably
think of a dozen easier ways the character could achieve the same ultimate goal. And the climax is revealed to be completely
senseless, if you think about it. There's no reason Snipes and Lane have to risk their lives the way they do; like the killer,
there are a dozen ways they could successfully achieve their mission that are safer and easier.
Also with Tate Donovan, Diane Baker, Nicholas Pryor, Tom Wright,
Harris Yulin, Charles Rocket and Mary Moore as the dead chick. One of the assassins is named "John Kerry"! Music
by Christopher Young. Toronto appears to have substituted for D.C. in most of the exteriors. Little has settled
into directing episodic television, but his resume contains other dumb, entertaining action movies like RAPID FIRE (with Brandon
Lee) and MARKED FOR DEATH (with Steven Seagal).
MURDER BY CONTRACT (1958)--Directed by Irving Lerner. Stars Vince Edwards, Philip
Pine, Herschel Bernardi. Columbia released this independently financed drama, probably on the bottom of a double bill.
It's one of the most unusual films about a professional assassin I've ever seen. Filmed in black-and-white and scored
solely by Perry Botkin, Jr. on guitar, MURDER stars future BEN CASEY star Edwards as young hitman Claude, an unemotional fellow
looking to save up enough money to buy a modest riverside home. He accepts a $5000 assignment to travel to Los Angeles
and kill a woman before she can testify against a mobster. Although he arrives more than a week before the trial, Claude
takes his time planning the hit, much to the confusion and frustration of the two low-level goons assigned to keep an eye
on him, Marc (Pine) and George (Bernardi). All three actors are excellent in this modest character study that treasures
Ben Simcoe's tight dialogue and Lerner's introspective direction over story and action. Also with Steven Ritch, Michael
Granger, Caprice Toriel and Kathie Browne.
MURDER BY DECREE (1979)--Directed by Bob Clark. Stars Christopher Plummer, James Mason,
John Gielgud. Propelled by winning performances and an ingenious story by John Hopkins (THUNDERBALL), MURDER BY DECREE is
one of the best Sherlock Holmes films ever made. Toronto-born Plummer invests Holmes with tremendous warmth and a twinkly
sense of humor, while partner Watson, as opposed to being the blustery nitwit Nigel Bruce portrayed in the '40s series with
Basil Rathbone, is portrayed by Mason as both intelligent and human. The two stars possess a remarkable chemistry, and the
relationship between Holmes and Watson is a touching, jocular one. One scene involving Holmes teasing his friend at the dinner
table may go on too long for some--it adds nothing to the plot--but speaks volumes in terms of characterization, and Mason
uttering "You squashed my pea!" got a big laugh from me.
Hopkins' concept, not original to MURDER, is a clever one.
It pits Holmes against Jack the Ripper, who turns out to be part of a government conspiracy to protect the identity of the
illegitimate child of the Prince of Wales. Clark--who, like many filmmakers of the period, was influenced by Watergate--does
a fine job unpeeling each layer of the mystery, leading Holmes--and us--from one stop to the next in search of the next clue.
As the story reaches its tense climax, in which Holmes becomes a swashbuckler on the docks of London's foggy East End, it
becomes clear that such a cover-up would necessitate the acquiescence of important government officials, which leads to an
excellently acted epilogue in which Holmes dresses down the Prime Minister (Gielgud).
Although a primarily setbound
production, Clark does a fine job imbuing his film with plenty of Victorian atmosphere, and is assisted by a terrific cast,
including David Hemmings, Frank Finlay, Anthony Quayle, Susan Clark (who also appeared in PORKY'S for Clark), Donald Sutherland
as a psychic and a memorable cameo by Genevieve Bujold. Music by Paul Zaza and Carl Zittrer. I'm confused as to how a filmmaker
as gifted as Clark must be to make this, A CHRISTMAS STORY and BLACK CHRISTMAS could also be the same director who gave us
BABY GENIUSES and LOOSE CANNONS.
MURDER BY NATURAL CAUSES (1979)—Directed
by Robert Day. Stars Hal Holbrook, Katharine Ross, Barry Bostwick, Richard Anderson. Outstanding CBS mystery by COLUMBO creators
Richard Levinson and William Link is one of the top made-for-TV movies ever made. Have fun trying to stay one step ahead of
the clever, twisty teleplay about amoral wife Alison Sinclair (Ross), her actor lover Gil Weston (Bostwick), and their scheme
to murder Alison’s husband Arthur (Holbrook) by scaring him to death. But how can you shock a man who is a world-famous
mentalist? It seems as though there are many easier ways to kill someone than the elaborate scheme Levinson and Link have
dreamed up, but that’s hardly the point when the mystery and the performances are so delightful. Anderson, then busy
as Oscar Goldman, plays fourth fiddle as George, the family lawyer with secrets of his own. The movie’s playful intentions
are signaled by the play in which Gil is starring: PRESCRIPTION MURDER, a real Levinson & Link play about a doctor who
murders his spouse that introduces Lieutenant Columbo to the world. Music by Dick DeBenedictis.
MURDER
BY NUMBERS (2002)--Directed by Barbet Schroeder. Stars Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gosling, Michael Pitt, Ben Chaplin.
Bullock is never believable playing a tough homicide detective in this pallid thriller loosely based on the Leopold/Loeb murders.
Brilliant high school kids Gosling and Pitt--one a smug, rich know-it-all, the other, a nervous wimp--concoct and engineer
a perfect murder, then taunt Cassie Mayweather (Bullock), the cop on the case. Making Sandra's work more difficult is
the fact that Cassie is supposed to be screwed up psychologically, aggressively pursuing her sensitive new partner (Chaplin)
and then ignoring him after they sleep together. She just isn't a hard enough actress to pull it off. Bullock
began dating the much-younger Gosling in real life, adding some slight backstage zip to their scenes, but Schroeder's film
is merely routine though slick junk. Also with Chris Penn, Agnes Bruckner and Tom Verica.
MURDER
BY PHONE--See BELLS.
THE
MURDER GANG (1975)--Directed by Al Adamson. Stars Timothy Brown, Russ Tamblyn, Geoffrey Land, Tanya Boyd.
This Vegas-set crime drama isn't particularly good, but it's pretty decent by Adamson's standards, which means it's professional
looking and is reasonably coherent. Sold as a blaxploitation entry in some markets as BLACK HEAT, it stars former football
star Brown (M*A*S*H) as cop Kicks Carter, out to bust some drug pushers and gunrunners led by Tamblyn (who appeared in many
Adamson movies) who are operating out of a hotel that caters exclusively to women. When Carter's white partner (Land)
is forced over a cliff by a maniacally giggling Tamblyn, Kicks bears down on the operation. When, that is, he isn't
trysting with sexy news photographer Stephanie (Boyd, BLACK SHAMPOO). Jana Bellan co-stars as Land's girlfriend, whose
gambling addiction urges her to offer her body as collateral to a group of greasy card players, and Adamson's wife Regina
Carrol gets to sing. In typical Independent-International fashion, this was released under several titles, including
GIRL'S HOTEL and U.S. VICE, and in different versions that emphasized the sex, crime and black angles. Tamblyn is pretty
fun to watch, and some of the action scenes will at least keep you awake, but this is really only for Adamson completists
(look for Al's customary cameo).
MURDER IN THE AIR (1940)--Directed by Lewis Seiler. Stars Ronald Reagan, Eddie Foy
Jr., James Stephenson. 55 minutes of serial-type thrills with Treasury agent Brass Bancroft, played amiably by Reagan.
Brass impersonates a hobo who was found dead with $50,000 hidden in a money belt around his waist. His investigation
leads him to the West Coast, where he discovers a plot to sabotage a zeppelin containing a powerful new weapon to be tested
in the sky. Strong production values and a talented cast keep this brisk Warners programmer aloft, although I could
do without Foy's sidekick clowning. Also with Lya Lys, John Litel, John Hamilton and Kenneth Harlan.
MURDER ON FLIGHT 502 (1975)--Directed by George McCowan. Stars Robert Stack, Hugh
O'Brian, George Maharis, Sonny Bono, Ralph Bellamy, Theodore Bikel, Fernando Lamas, Polly Bergen. After Flight 502 lifts
off from New York to London, airport security chief Davenport (Maharis) discovers a letter in the First Class lounge claiming
that murders will occur on the overnight flight. As Davenport and his staff scour the passenger list in an attempt to
ascertain the killer's identity, pilot Larkin (Stack) and off-duty NYPD detective Myerson (O'Brian) investigate from the air.
Suspects include a rock star (Bono) on his way to Italy to act in a western, a grieving widower (Bikel) who made threatening
phone calls to the physician (Bellamy) he blames for his wife's death, a mystery novelist (Bergen) and a suspected bank robber
(Lamas). That all these red herrings would just happen to be on the same airliner stretches credulity enough, but David
P. Harmon's teleplay really reaches at times, neglecting to provide a strong enough motive for the murders and leaving Maharis
with nothing to do but provide conveniently timed information for Stack and O'Brian. Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Brooke
Adams play the stewardesses. Walter Pidgeon, Dane Clark, Molly Picon, Vincent Baggetta, Laraine Day, Danny Bonaduce
and Steve Franken also star. Music by Laurence Rosenthal.
MURDER OVER NEW YORK (1940)--Directed by Harry Lachman. Stars Sidney Toler, Marjorie Weaver,
Robert Lowery, (Victor) Sen Yung, Kane Richmond. Legendary detective Charlie Chan (Toler), in New York for a police convention,
becomes involved in the murder case of a friend who was investigating the sabotage of a new bomber plane. Lively script and
direction, with sprightly performances by the entire cast. Sen Yung provides adequate comic relief as Number Two Son Jimmy.
Also with Ricardo Cortez, Donald MacBride, Melville Cooper, Joan Valerie, Clarence Muse and unbilled Shemp Howard and Frank
Coghlan, Jr. Lowery, Richmond and Coghlan would all shortly star as comic book serial heroes in BATMAN, SPY SMASHER and THE
ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL respectively.
MURDERERS' ROW (1966)--Directed by Henry Levin. Stars
Dean Martin, Ann-Margret, Karl Malden, Camilla Sparv, Tom Reese. Dino returns for his second go-round as suave secret agent
Matt Helm. When a hammy Malden plans to destroy Washington, D.C. with a death ray, Martin must save the day, while still finding
time to romance Ann-Margret. Also with Helm regulars James Gregory and Beverly Adams. Songs by Dino, Desi & Billy (featuring
Dino's son)! Probably the best of the four Matt Helm movies, which isn't saying a heck of a lot. Martin's performances as
Matt Helm must have been the easiest of his career; he basically seems to be playing himself--or at least the audience's perception
of his persona.
MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1971)--Directed by Gordon Hessler. Stars Jason Robards,
Herbert Lom, Christine Kaufmann. American International Pictures released this Edgar Allan Poe adaptation in the U.S.
in a censored form, but the uncut "director's version" has recently popped up on American cable TV. Members of Cesar
Charron's (Robards) Parisian acting troupe are being slaughtered by a masked killer. Charron's young wife Madeleine
(Kaufmann) has nightmares about a mysterious axe murderer. Yeah, they're all connected, as Rene Marot (Lom) attacks
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA-style to gain revenge for the death of the woman he loved, Madeleine's mother (and Cesar's wife).
Robards, an excellent actor, is perhaps miscast, and Kaufmann is not at all a good actress, but Poe's central premise holds
up pretty well under Christopher Wickings' (SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN) screenplay. It's clear Hessler was going more for
atmosphere than explicit chills, although some moments are quite grisly. Keep a sharp eye out for a lovely young Brooke
Adams in an early role as a nurse. Also with Adolfo Celi, Michael Dunn, Lilli Palmer and Maria Perschy. Filmed
in Spain.
MURDERS IN THE ZOO (1933)--Directed by Edward Sutherland. Stars Charlie Ruggles, Lionel
Atwill, Randolph Scott, Kathleen Burke, John Lodge, Harry Beresford. Paramount produced this surprisingly graphic thriller
just after ISLAND OF LOST SOULS, which featured Burke as the sensual Panther Woman. Atwill, one of cinema's great villains,
plays Eric Gorman, a very jealous husband and sportsman. We find out just how jealous in the opening scene, which finds Gorman
crouched in the jungle sewing together the lips of the poor bastard who made the mistake of attempting to kiss his wife! Gorman's
Oriental safari is a successful one, and he returns to the United States to donate the captured animals to the local zoo run
by Professor Evans (Beresford). On the ship back, Gorman notices his wife Evelyn (Burke) getting a little too chummy with
family friend Hewitt (Lodge). At a fundraising dinner to raise money for the zoo, Gorman murders Hewitt with a dried-up head
of a green mamba snake containing the world's deadliest venom for which there is no antidote. The killings continue, as zoo
biochemist Woodford (Scott) and his assistant Jerry (Patrick) seek a life-saving toxin.
Much of the thrill of MURDERS
IN THE ZOO comes from scenes that would be unthinkable under the Production Code, which went into effect the following year,
the notorious mouth-sewing scene being the most obvious. Some, like Atwill's sexual libido being stirred after each killing,
are subtler. The film's major flaw is top-billed Charlie Ruggles, who ruins the tension each time he's on screen as a comic-relief
press agent hired by the zoo to garner positive publicity. His mugging and unfunny wordplay does not work in this movie's
context, and the thrills screech to a halt each time he appears. Thank goodness director Sutherland, who never again directed
a horror film, had the good sense to keep him off-screen during the wild finale, which features a 25-foot python.
Also
with Jane Darwell, Edward McWade and Syd Saylor. Patrick was also considered for the Panther Woman in ISLAND OF LOST SOULS;
she found greater fame behind the camera as the executive producer of TV's long-running PERRY MASON series. Scott, who would
also appear as an extra in ISLAND OF LOST SOULS, doesn't exhibit much talent or charisma here, and displays no sign of the
stardom that lie ahead. Cinematographer Ernest Haller won an Oscar for GONE WITH THE WIND.
MURPHY'S LAW (1986)--Directed by J. Lee Thompson. Stars Charles Bronson, Kathleen Wilhoite,
Carrie Snodgress, Angel Tompkins, Robert F. Lyons, Richard Romanus. "Don't fuck with Jack Murphy!" That's "Murphy's
Law", and as you can imagine, it gets violated quite a lot, since strict adherence would surely result in the dullest Charles
Bronson movie ever. MURPHY'S LAW, one in a long line of action movies Bronson made for Cannon during the 1980's, is
also the least grim of the series, containing less sleaze and more humor than the rest.
You've seen Los Angeles police detective Jack Murphy (Bronson) before. He's a burned-out alcoholic
cop with a stripper ex-wife (43-year-old Tompkins, who looks great in her topless scenes), a loyal partner (Lyons, also with
Bronson in 10 TO MIDNIGHT) and a lieutenant who yells a lot and tells Murphy, "You look like shit!" Murphy's problems
get a lot worse when he is arrested for the murder of his ex and her new boyfriend and handcuffed to an extremely foulmouthed
teen car thief (Wilhoite). He's being framed by the unstable and recently paroled Joan Freeman (Snodgress), who's killing
everyone she holds responsible for her prison stay and framing Murphy for the murders. Bronson, still attached to Wilhoite,
escapes in an attempt to clear his name while staying one step ahead of both the law and a vengeful mob boss (Romanus).
One thing's for certain. MURPHY'S LAW must be the fastest-paced of Bronson's Cannon oeuvre.
A car smashes into a diner. A helicopter crashes into a barn (one populated with shotgun-wielding pot farmers, coincidentally
enough). The body count is high. The bloody final confrontation takes place in the Bradbury Building and finds
Bronson deftly dodging crossbow bolts. The sure-handed direction by Thompson, who worked with Bronson nine times, keeps
your interest from flagging, but Bronson is more interesting than you might initially think. Murphy is shaded in gray,
torturing himself night after night by watching his ex-wife stripping for "horny lowlifes" ("You know what you look like up
there? A whooooooore!"), but smart enough--and tough enough--to battle his way out of enough jams to tax even the most
intrepid alcoholic movie cop.
Wilhoite is a weakness--and a major one, since she's on-screen more than anyone else besides Bronson.
Unable to open her mouth without a string of juvenile curses like "snotrag" and "sperm count" emerging, Wilhoite struggles
with a screenplay that makes her character not very likable and an absurd romantic interest for Bronson; the brief sexual
banter between her and the 65-year-old Bronson is creepier than it is sweet. Also with the wonderfully slimy character actor
James Luisi ("Do they taste as good as they look?"), Bill Henderson, Janet MacLachlan, Jerome Thor and Lawrence Tierney as
a sleazy private eye. Script by Gail Morgan Hickman, who also penned Bronson's DEATH WISH IV. Music by Marc Donahue and Valentine
McCallum, who may be the son of co-producer Jill Ireland and her first husband David McCallum.
MURPHY'S ROMANCE (1985)--Directed by Martin Ritt. Stars James Garner, Sally Field,
Corey Haim, Brian Kerwin. Garner earned his only Academy Award nomination (to date) for his crisp role as amiable Murphy
Jones, the widower owner of a drugstore in the tiny Arizona town where determined divorcee Emma (Field) moves to start her
new life with young son Jake (Haim). Harriet Frank Jr. and Irving Ravetch's sharp screenplay makes it clear that these
two independent-minded survivors with equally strong sense of humor are destined to be together, despite the obvious age difference,
but the fun is seeing them realize slowly realize it. The monkey wrench arrives with Bobby Jack (Kerwin), Emma's ne'er-do-well
ex-husband who arrives on motorcycle to win his family back and finds himself sliding into a not-so-friendly competition with
Murphy. Garner is great portraying a well-rounded character who seems to have been written especially for him, since
it capitalizes on the actor's noted persona as a crusty iconoclast, and his chemistry with Field is impeccable. Carole
King provides the songs and score. Also with Dennis Burkley, Ted Gehring, Charles Lane and Georgeann Johnson.
THE MUSE (1999)--Directed by Albert Brooks. Stars Albert Brooks, Sharon Stone, Andie MacDowell,
Jeff Bridges. Probably not by coincidence, Albert Brooks's best movies are the ones in which he plays the most obnoxious characters.
In REAL LIFE, his on-target parody of PBS's AN AMERICAN FAMILY (wouldn't you love to see Brooks remake REAL LIFE for the REAL
WORLD generation?), he was an egocentric filmmaker who always placed his work (and his own needs) ahead of everyone else.
In LOST IN AMERICA, he bickers constantly with his well-meaning wife in his single-minded pursuit of a non-materialistic existence
(while cruising cross-country in an expensive Winnebago), and in MODERN ROMANCE, he plays his most pathetic character yet,
a needy, self-loathing, jealous film editor (interesting how so many of Brooks's characters have Hollywood ties) who basically
stalks girlfriend Kathryn Harrold. Somehow Brooks manages to make these portrayals somewhat likable so that we root for him
to succeed. In THE MUSE, Brooks's sixth film as a director, the screenwriter he plays is just too normal--he even has a successful
marriage...and kids, for crying out loud! Sure, he's desperate, insecure and neurotic, but not enough by Brooks standards.
He plays Steven Phillips, a one-time Oscar nominee whose latest script has been turned down by Paramount Pictures.
Everyone he meets, including his agent, suggests that maybe he's lost his edge, and perhaps he should begin his second career.
Depressed, he visits his successful writer friend Jack (Bridges), who confides to Steven the reason for his own resurgence--a
muse. That's right--one of nine daughters of the Greek god Zeus. Her name is Sarah, and she's played surprisingly well by
Sharon Stone, who demonstrates a fine flair for light comedy. She agrees to take Steven on as a client, but her services don't
come cheaply. She demands expensive gifts from Tiffany's, a suite at the Four Seasons, and Waldorf salads from Spago in the
middle of the night. Since her inspirations have worked wonders for Martin Scorsese, James Cameron and Rob Reiner (who all
pull cameo duty--Scorsese's is hilarious), Steven decides she's worth the trouble and expense, much to the initial dismay
of his wife Laura (MacDowell). Whether or not Sarah is actually whom she claims to be won't be revealed here, but despite
Stone's lively performance, THE MUSE's best moments dont involve her at all. The Scorsese exchange, a conversation between
Brooks and a French restaurateur who misunderstands everything Albert says, and Brooks's meeting with Steven Spielberg's pseudo-studio-exec
cousin Stan (Steven Wright) will be recognized by fans as Classic Brooks.
Bridges is relaxed and amusing (I wish he
had more screen time), and MacDowell, despite being one of Hollywood's all-time most expressionless leading ladies, looks
terrific, and acquits herself just fine. With a more cynical Brooks character, a punchier script (more one-liners fall flat
here than in any other screenplay penned by Brooks and his longtime collaborator Monica Johnson) and perhaps fewer "inside
Hollywood" scenes (many laughs will be lost to anyone who doesn't read VARIETY or even know what James Cameron looks like),
this could have been one of Brooks's best. To be honest, it's the worst film Brooks has ever directed, which really isn't
a condemnation, considering the man has raised the bar pretty high.
Also with Lorenzo Lamas, Jennifer Tilly, Wolfgang
Puck and Cybill Shepherd as themselves, Dakin Matthews, Concetta Tomei, Bradley Whitford and Mark Feuerstein (CAROLINE IN
THE CITY), who shines as a superficially smarmy studio honcho. Music by Elton John, who performs the closing theme (with lyrics
by Bernie Taupin).
MUTANT HUNT (1987)--Directed by Tim Kincaid. Stars Rick Gianisi, Mary Fahey, Bill
Peterson, Stormy Spill, Taunie Vernon, Ron Reynaldi. Kincaid, who usually directed gay porn, made this hilarious cheapjack
SF movie in New York City. You’ve seen better fight scenes in Rudy Ray Moore movies. Gianisi, who went on
to star in Troma’s SGT. KABUKIMAN, N.Y.P.D., plays the world’s wimpiest mercenary with a badass mercenary name,
Matt Riker, who fights robots in his tighty whiteys. They’re called cyborgs in the movie, but appear to be 100%
mechanical. Three out-of-control cyborgs have escaped from Intertrax, where they were being built by a scientist and
his sister Darla (Fahey) under the command of Z (Peterson), the corporation’s CEO. The “Delta 7” cyborgs
were given a belt of an illegal sex-enhancing drug called Euphoron, which causes them to turn into mad killing machines.
Darla escapes from Z’s goons and hires Riker to stop the cyborgs’ rampage. He in turn recruits help from
exotic dancer Elaine (Vernon) and martial artist Felix (Reynaldi). Sets and set dressing are among the worst you’ve
ever seen; Riker’s apartment consists of three partial brick walls, a bed, a table, a punching bag and a few random
weapons hanging on the walls. Barely a notch above the cheap sets is the lame stuntwork and fight choreography by Reynaldi,
who at least appears to be the only cast member to know anything about martial arts. The fight scenes look as though
they’re being performed by 11-year-olds acting out old BATMAN episodes in the backyard. To Kincaid’s credit,
he did hire Ed French to concoct some effectively gooey makeup effects for the cyborgs, and the final reel occurs in a visually
intriguing location, some sort of large warehouse with concrete balconies. Barely 75 minutes long, MUTANT HUNT was released
directly to home video by Charles Band’s Wizard label and is definitely worth watching if you’re in the mood to
laugh at inept filmmaking.
THE MUTHERS (1976)--Directed by Cirio H. Santiago. Stars Jeanne Bell, Rosanne Katon,
Jayne Kennedy, Trina Parks. Ahhrrrrr! Avast, ye mateys! You can have your Johnny Depps. The Muthers are my kind of pirates:
four sexy black women busting caps and kunging fu across the water and through the jungle. Cirio H. Santiago, one of
the world's most prolific genre filmmakers, directed THE MUTHERS in the Philippines. He's directed hundreds of movies, and
hardly any of them are what even the most hardcore crappy-movie lover would call good. But they're usually short and filled
with lots of skin and action, so you can't normally call them boring. Incoherent, sloppy, crude, cheap and stupid, yes. But
not boring.
THE MUTHERS falls pretty much along those lines, and is a must-see if you're into hot black women. The Muthers
are Kelly (Jeanne Bell, who performed a memorable topless karate fight in Santiago's TNT JACKSON) and Angela (Rosanne Katon
from Santiago's EBONY, IVORY & JADE), who literally plunder from wealthy yachtsman and give all the booty to poor orphans.
The pirate angle is unusual, but Santiago quickly abandons it for standard women-in-prison fare, as the Muthers are recruited
to go undercover inside a corrupt plantation prison to find Kelly's teenage sister and ferret out a white slavery ring. There,
they meet Marcie (Trina Parks, memorable in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER and DARKTOWN STRUTTERS), who's in tight with the evil warden's
beautiful mistress Serena (Jayne Kennedy). Shortly after THE MUTHERS, Kennedy would replace Phyllis George on NFL TODAY, and
I have this great image of Irv Cross and Jimmy the Greek queued up at the drive-in, pounding 40's and laughing their asses
off at their new co-worker's opus.
Standard WIP stuff follows--shower scene, torture, escape through the jungle, a catfight, lots of explosions
and gun battles. The whole film runs about 83 minutes, and shows off each of its stars to good advantage (Bell is the only
one who goes topless, although she's even more eye-popping in the tight turtleneck she wears in the final reels). I suppose
if you've seen one Santiago movie, you've seen most of them, but off the top of my head, I don't recall seeing any other movie
carried by four black actresses, so there's some novelty value to THE MUTHERS. I think it's time for a remake--how about Halle
Berry in Jeanne Bell's turtleneck? Dimension Pictures released it.
MUTILATIONS (1986)—Directed by Lawrence Thomas.
Stars one of the worst casts I’ve ever seen. MUTILATIONS is one of those stunning incompetences that comes along
now and then that reminds one that Ed Wood’s films are far from the worst ever made. MUTILATIONS is barely one
step above a home movie with laughable performances, ultra-cheap sets and staggeringly inept special effects that might quality
as passable if done by teenagers in their backyard, but not by so-called pros. An astronomy professor, his assistant,
and some students head to the country to investigate cattle mutilations and become trapped in an isolated farmhouse when a
flying saucer crashlands outside and its inhabitants invade the house and kill off the teens. I have to assume none
of the young performers had ever acted before, and there’s no way they ever acted again, as their hilariously soporific
line readings never convince the audience that the characters are in great danger. Nor do the clumsy monsters, which
are usually depicted as just a scaly arm reaching over the camera to grab a victim’s face or a pair of puppet legs sliding
across a tabletop landscape. Blurry rear-screen projection and confusing forced perspective is also used, which shows
that DFX Studio knew what to do, but no idea of how. MUTILATIONS runs barely an hour, so you won’t be too bored
if you watch it, but you should be aware of what an amateurish mess you’re getting into. The no-name Oklahoma
cast includes Al Baker, Katherine Hutson, Harvey Shell and John Bliss (later a regular on ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE).
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING (2001)--Directed by Joel Zwick. Stars Nia Vardalos, John
Corbett, Michael Constantine, Lainie Kazan. This movie is for anyone who still believes in fairytales. And there
can be no question that a fairytale is just what it is. MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING is about an unattractive, 30-year-old
Greek woman who lives with her overbearing, almost impossibly ethnic parents and manages to, years past her "expiration date",
land a husband who is handsome, funny and attentive to every need, has no outside life to interfere with their relationship
(no bowling nights with the beer buddies getting in the way), and agrees without blinking an eye to being baptized in a kiddie
pool in a Greek Orthodox church just to make his future in-laws happy.
Still, there remains a place in our increasingly jaded world for fairytales, and the one taking place on
the screen is almost as interesting as the real-life fairytale going on behind it. The BIG FAT screenplay was written
by Second City actress Nia Vardalos, who was performing it as an autobiographical one-woman play in Los Angeles, where it
was seen by actress/wife-of-Tom-Hanks Rita Wilson, who loved it and wanted to turn it into a feature. Wilson and Hanks,
who tapped his old BOSOM BUDDIES director Joel Zwick, whose last film was the John Larroquette/Bronson Pinchot ESP comedy
SECOND SIGHT, to helm, agreed to produce it and got Home Box Office to pony up half of the $5 million budget. In fact,
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, with the uncommercial Vardalos playing the lead, was originally slated for HBO, but Wilson and Hanks
thought there might be some theatrical life in those Greek bones and managed to get the Independent Film Channel's film leg
to put it in multiplexes, where it has done exceedingly well, making back its production budget more than five times over.
So does the film deserve its sleeper success? I guess so, even if it doesn't resonate in your brain
any longer than it takes to watch it. Vardalos is likable enough as Toula Portokalos, the 30-year-old frump who lives
with her parents Gus (ROOM 222's Michael Constantine in his best role in decades) and Maria (Lainie Kazan) in the Chicago
suburbs (although the BIG FAT filming took place in Toronto) and works with them at the family restaurant, Dancing Zorbas.
Her meddling family, which also consists of a brother and sister, aunts, uncles, in-laws and a myriad of cousins, has all
but abandoned their hopes that Toula will find a Greek husband and pump out a dozen or so Greek children. However, nobody
is more surprised than she when Toula meets Ian Miller (SEX & THE CITY's John Corbett), a very WASPy high school English
teacher who likes her. Why he likes her, I don't really know. One BIG FAT failing is that, surprisingly, not a
lot of time is devoted to the intricacies of their private lives; it seems like mere days go by before they have agreed to
be married. No one in Toula's family has ever married a non-Greek, and getting the Portokalos'--especially proud immigrant
Gus--to accept Ian as a member of the family turns out to be the new couple's most difficult step.
Like the similar Indian comedy MONSOON WEDDING, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING is more focused on the bride's
eccentric family members than on the relationship between the soon-to-be-newlyweds. Vardalos, while not particularly
blessed with movie-star charisma, manages to hold her own among the bickering and kvetching, although she wouldn't have to
manage more than 60 watts or so to outshine bland Corbett with his blank bank teller smile and Achey Breaky haircut.
Most of the laughs come from Zwick's perfect array of broad character actors, a dying breed in today's cinema. Constantine
and Kazan, who has played so many Jewish mothers that the overprotective and overfed Maria fits as comfortably as an old slipper,
are perfectly cast, while SCTV's Andrea Martin as Toula's aunt and Louis Mandylor as Toula's younger brother provide a few
moments of solid support.
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING may be fluff, but at least it tastes good going down with no harmful after-effects.
And in a summer dominated by loud, CGI-filled blockbusters, it just feels good to know an alternative to nuclear bombs, spaceships
and supervillains exists. Also with Gia Carides, Joey Fatone, Jayne Eastwood, Gale Garnett ("We'll Sing in the Sunshine")
and Ian Gomez.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)--Directed by George Mihalka. Stars Paul Kelman, Don Francks,
Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck. One of the slasher era's most famous titles comes as a mild disappointment, seeing as it
has been viciously eviscerated by the MPAA. The body count is high, but the gore effects have been almost completely
removed in order to garner an R rating, leaving the film's reason for being on a cutting room floor. What's left isn't
bad, but what's the point? A small Canadian mining town is haunted by the curse of Harry Warden, who went on a murder
spree two decades earlier, cutting out his victims' hearts and delivering them inside Valentine-shaped candy boxes.
He was finally captured and sent to a mental hospital, but not before pledging the town of Valentine Bluffs that he would
return if they ever again celebrated Valentine's Day. 20 years later, the town prepares for its first Valentine's dance
since then. And with the return of candy and cardboard hearts come more murders and more bloody hearts in candy boxes...
Writer John Beaird helps keep the plot moving with the inclusion of a love triangle that isn't particularly interesting, but
does open up the characters somewhat. With the gore truncated, guessing the killer's identity is the most fun you'll
probably have, but even that isn't particularly difficult. I admire that the makers didn't attempt to disguise the film's
Canadian origin--the accents are thick in this one--and setting much of the mayhem in a dark, creepy mine is an inspired touch.
But without the payoff shots, it's hard to recommend MBV. Also with Keith Knight and Alf Humphries. Music by Paul
Zaza. Francks is still a busy character actor who tasted brief U.S. TV fame in the shortlived JERICHO series.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009)—Directed by Patrick
Lussier. Stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe, Betsy Rue. Lionsgate’s remake
of the 1981 Canadian slasher stays surprisingly loyal to the original screenplay by John Beaird (who also did an uncredited
polish on HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME), but with the added attraction of 3D in its initial theatrical release. Director Lussier,
who learned how to make horror films from Wes Craven, for whom he edited the SCREAM pictures, has fun with the Real D 3D process,
jamming shotguns, pickaxes, bullets, bloody hands, and anything else he can think of right in our faces. As an homage
to the notorious stalk-and-slash pictures that were ubiquitous in the 1980s, Lussier’s film—from a screenplay
by Todd Farmer (JASON X) and Zane Smith—works very well, delivering nifty gore murders, a genuine mystery that’s
fun to figure out, and the most gloriously gratuitous nude scene Hollywood has served moviegoers in a long time.
Ten years after miner Harry Warden went nuts and was apparently
killed by Sheriff Burke (genre favorite Tom Atkins from THE FOG and HALLOWEEN III) after he murdered a couple of dozen partying
teenagers inside the Hanniger family mine, scion Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles of The CW’s SUPERNATURAL) returns to Harmony,
Pennsylvania. Tom left Harmony immediately after the now-notorious killings, and only returns now, after his father’s
death, to sell the mine, which may put most of the town out of work. His former girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King, SIN CITY)
is now married to his rival, Axel Palmer (FINAL DESTINATION’s Kerr Smith), who replaced the retiring Burke as county
sheriff.
Also making a comeback, coincidental with Tom’s return to
Harmony, is apparently Harry Warden, whose body was never found after he was presumed dead in a mine cave-in during his killing
spree. Dressed ominously in a full miner’s uniform and mask, wielding a heavy pickaxe, Warden rampages again,
beginning with an eye-raising attack on Irene (Betsy Rue)—she, Tom, Axel, and Sarah were the lone survivors of Harry’s
previous murders—Axel’s old girlfriend, now turning tricks with truckers at the local motel. Rue plays the
entire scene fully nude, which should win her some sort of Good Sport award from horror fans.
A jealous Axel, though an unfaithful husband, wants to pin the new
murders on Tom, whose plan to sell the mine to a conglomerate has earned him the enmity of nearly everyone in Harmony,
except his late father’s business partner Ben Foley (the welcome Kevin Tighe, ROAD HOUSE). Farmer and Smith craft
the story as a mystery—is Harry Warden really back after a decade, or is someone in Harmony posing as him? Almost
everyone in the cast is a passable red herring at some point, and the script doesn’t always follow the accepted rules
of horror storytelling, leading to a final twist that doesn’t completely work, though it was a surprise to me.
I doubt MY BLOODY VALENTINE plays as effectively in 2D, but it’s
worth seeking out in 3D on the big screen. Lussier directs with glee, splashing your Real D glasses with grue as often
as he can. Veterans Atkins and Tighe, who have plenty of screen time, provide the movie with necessary sand to balance
the younger leads, who aren’t bad, but are never convincing as adults. While I’m trying to avoid a comparison
of the two versions of MY BLOODY VALENTINE, this remake is much less effective at creating the believable blue-collar environment
that was so crucial to director George Mihalka’s original. That one also had an authentic Canadian setting, which
added appealing local color that the Pennsylvania-lensed remake doesn’t have—Lussier’s film could have been
made anywhere.
Horror fans have been generally disappointed in Hollywood’s
recent crop of slasher remakes—PROM NIGHT, WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (sic), HALLOWEEN PART PI,
ad nauseum—but I think Lionsgate got this one right. It has respect for the original MY BLOODY VALENTINE—to
the point of re-creating some of its more famous moments—while giving the material enough of a contemporary spin to
make it its own animal. It’s no horror classic, and I imagine, in 25 years, fans will probably still be watching
the Mihalka film, instead of this one (particularly since Lionsgate has now released the 1981 film in its uncut glory, something
of a Holy Grail of slasher aficionados). It’s still a worthwhile thrill ride, at least in its 3D cut. Check
your brain at the door, of course. And try to stay in your seat when Harry Warden swings his sharp pickaxe at your face.
MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER (2003)--Directed by David Zucker. Stars Ashton Kutcher, Tara Reid,
Terence Stamp, Molly Shannon, Andy Richter, Michael Madsen. Tick...tick...tick...tick... That sound you hear is
Ashton Kutcher's 15 minutes of fame quickly (and mercifully) reaching the end. With two hit television series (including
the MTV reality show PUNK'D), a high-profile romance with fortysomething Demi Moore, and the threat of more important movie
leads in the future (including Cameron Crowe's next film), Kutcher is Hollywood's current Flavor of the Month, although perhaps
"Flavor of the Hour" is a more apt description the way these titles seem to turn over so quickly (anyone remember Gretchen
Mol?).
Kutcher made his name playing "The Dumb Guy" on the Fox sitcom THAT '70S SHOW. You wouldn't think
playing the Dumb Guy would be much of an acting challenge--after all, Tony Danza mastered the art on TAXI, and I haven't seen
him walking the red carpet at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion recently--but Kutcher is easily the least talented member of the
'70S cast, stumbling over his lines like a rank amateur and pounding them with a remarkable lack of subtlety that would have
even embarrassed Rod Steiger. I've been a semi-regular viewer of the series since it first aired five years ago, and
I've never seen Kutcher do anything in it that made me believe he could support a career in features as a leading man.
And MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER, which was filmed two years ago and has been collecting dust in Bob and Harvey Weinstein's closet since,
backs up my assertion 100%.
Granted, this bumbling screwball comedy from Dimension Films wouldn't be funny no matter who was playing
the lead, be it Jim Carrey, Cary Grant or Tim Conway. Sloppily written by David Dorfman (ANGER MANAGEMENT) and staidly
directed by the once-great David Zucker, who with his brother Jerry and Jim Abrahams delivered AIRPLANE!, THE NAKED GUN and
KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER is a tasteless and illogical hodge-podge of yelling, falling and urinating, all in
the name of unrestrained hilarity. Unfortunately, a bit of restraint, as well as a heaping helping of common sense,
might have actually provided some hilarity in place of the cacophonic racket smelling up screens now.
Kutcher plays Tom, a nice-guy researcher at a Chicago publishing company who has aspirations of doing something
more, well, creative (although Dorfman never specifies exactly what Tom wants to do). Unfortunately, his boss, Jack
Taylor (Terence Stamp), is the world's most insufferable bastard, ruling his office through fear, firing his minions over
issues as minor as a poorly made cup of coffee. That a man this cruel could never actually run a successful creative
operation seems not to have been considered by the filmmakers. Tom also has a crush on Taylor's sexy blonde daughter
Lisa, who is played schizophrenically by Tara Reid (AMERICAN PIE) as both a serious businesswoman and a vapid teenybopper.
When Tom shows up at the Taylor's suburban home to take Lisa to a party that night, he's chagrined to learn that he's actually
been enlisted to housesit for his tyrannical boss, who doesn't allow any shoes on his floors and dotes over a pet owl named
O.J.--named after the football player, not the murderer, we're told. In Dorfman and Zucker's cascading carousel of confusion,
one misunderstanding leads to another, which results in a houseful of uninvited guests, including Lisa's drug-dealing older
brother (Andy Richter), Taylor's biker-chick ex-secretary (SNL's Molly Shannon), a mumbling mobster (Michael Madsen) and an
insecure young woman (Ever Carradine) whose idea of getting ready for a blind date does not include cleaning her bloody head
wound.
Very little of this is funny, although Madsen appears to be having a high time spoofing his patented tough-guy
persona, and Stamp surely relished an opportunity to play a jackass of such monumental performances. An owl that drinks
from a cocaine-laced toilet bowl or Madsen responding to a gun in his face by whizzing all over Taylor's expensive furniture
sounds hilarious, but...okay, actually it doesn't. And it isn't. And as for Kutcher, he possesses neither the
charisma nor the comic timing to serve as the anchor needed to ground all the surrounding nonsense in some sort of reality
we can relate to. What this film needs is someone like NEWSRADIO's Dave Foley (who actually plays a supporting role
here) or even Kutcher's THAT '70S SHOW cohort Topher Grace, experts at comic reaction who can also pull off the nice-guy element.
In most comedy, what happens isn't funny. How others react to the madness is where the humor lies. There's a reason
Kutcher is best known as The Dumb Guy and not The Funny One. How Hollywood has forgotten that, I don't know, but I'm
sure MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER will quickly remind them.
Also with Jeffrey Tambor (THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW), Kenan Thompson (of Kenan and Kel), Pat Cranshaw, Jon
Abrahams (BOSTON PUBLIC), David Koechner, Angela Little and Carmen Electra (who has a slow-motion wet-T-shirt scene).
Kutcher served as a co-producer. Editor Patrick Lussier has also directed several Dimension features, such as DRACULA
2000 and its two sequels. Despite its Windy City setting and prominent Chicago Tribune product placement, I smell a
whiff of cheapjack Canada lensing. That's in addition to the regular stench this picture emits.
MY DATE WITH DREW (2004)—Directed by Jon
Gunn, Brian Herzlinger & Brett Winn. Stars Brian Herzlinger, Drew Barrymore. The self-effacing Herzlinger
is charming enough to make you root for him: an underdog on a seemingly impossible quest in this frothy documentary.
27 years old, broke and unemployed in Los Angeles, Herzlinger wins $1200 on a game show, and decides to use it to fund his
dream of landing a date with his childhood crush, actress Drew Barrymore (CHARLIE’S ANGELS). He gives himself
a $1200 budget and a thirty-day deadline (based on Circuit City’s thirty-day return policy, after which he’ll
have to return the video camera he “bought” on his friend’s credit card) to get Drew, whom he’s never
met, to go out with him. His amusing quest leads him to seek out advice from friends of friends of Drew’s, who
vary from actor Eric Roberts to the woman who gives Barrymore regular facials. You may actually find suspense in the
setpiece where Brian and his two female friends forge backstage passes to the CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE premiere
party and come within a few feet of Drew. Does he achieve his dream? I won’t say, but he and the adorable
Barrymore sure do make a cute couple.
MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982)--Directed by Richard Benjamin. Stars Peter O'Toole, Joseph Bologna,
Mark Linn-Baker, Jessica Harper, Lainie Kazan. Nostalgic comedy stars Linn-Baker as a young writer working on Bologna's TV
variety show in 1954--the golden age of television. O'Toole is Alan Swann, a charismatic Errol Flynn-like movie star, who
is to guest on Bologna's show, but has a bit of trouble with women and booze. Linn-Baker is assigned to keep O'Toole out of
trouble and sober until the show. O'Toole was Oscar-nominated for his larger-than-life role, which was probably much like
his own life. Bologna is hilarious as the Sid Caesar-like TV star, and Cameron Mitchell has a priceless cameo as a grunting
gangster. Linn-Baker went on to TV's PERFECT STRANGERS, but Harper never became the star she should have, mostly because she
chased roles in offbeat independent features instead of mainstream studio releases. Actor Benjamin showed promise with this,
his first film; he hasn't made one this good since.
MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING (1976)--Directed by Paul Leder. Stars Greg Mullavey, Meredith
MacRae. Ubiquitous TV guest star and game show regular Mullavey stars in this low-budget obscurity as Gene Kline, a
Vietnam vet who cracked up shortly before being captured by the Viet Cong and imprisoned in a POW camp. Several years
later and living in Los Angeles, Gene is finding adjustment to civilian life difficult, despite the efforts of his shrink
and his lovely wife (MacRae of PETTICOAT JUNCION). Much of Gene's torment stems from an incident in 'Nam where he and
four of his Army buddies slaughtered some civilians, including a dozen children. Only by murdering his old pals can
Gene atone for his crimes, while MacRae fusses at home wondering about her hubby's whereabouts.
Despite its crude production values and repetitious story, MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING does possess some worth,
mainly Mullavey's effective performance. MacRae's role is a thankless one, doing little more than wringing her hands
waiting for her husband to come home. She and Mullavey were married at the time and co-produced the film through their
Mulmac company. They worked with Leder several times, perhaps most notably in the notoriously titled I DISMEMBER MAMA.
Leder's daughter Mimi, later an Emmy-nominated director in her own right, served as 2nd unit cameraman, while his son Reuben,
later a producer of MAGNUM, P.I., did sound. Also with Clayton Wilcox, Laurie Burton and Carolyn Ames. MacRae
also performed the opening theme. Cinema Producers Center released it in 1977, probably as part of drive-in triple-bills.
MY LIFE WITHOUT ME (2003)--Directed by Isabel Coixet. Stars Sarah Polley, Mark Ruffalo,
Scott Speedman, Deborah Harry, Alfred Molina, Julian Richings. Not often does a movie presented a leading character this
selfish and unlikable. But what really amazes me about Ann, the young cancer patient portrayed by indie star Sarah
Polley (GO) in the Canadian film MY LIFE WITHOUT ME, is that Spanish screenwriter/director Isabel Coixet intends for her to
be the movie's heroine and dares us to identify with the grossest case of narcissism seen on the big screen in quite some
time.
Ann is a 23-year-old mother of two who lives with her husband and daughters in a trailer parked in her mom's
backyard. Her father (Alfred Molina) is in prison; her mother (Deborah Harry) has been run over by life so often you
can practically see the tire tracks on her back. Still, she and husband Don (Scott Speedman) are happy, and it's to
Coixet's credit that she doesn't completely depict lower-class life as a joyless dirge of mullets and twangy talk; her characters
may be poor, but they aren't ignorant.
Happy, that is, until Ann is diagnosed with ovarian cancer and given just two months to live. This
is where, despite an affecting performance by Polley, the movie jumps the rails. Instead of breaking the sad news to
her family, Ann decides to conceal her illness, explaining away her fatigue and fainting as anemia (!), and create a list
of Things to Do Before I Die. The cruelest bullet points are the ones Coixet is most obsessed with, and include recording
tapes of birthday messages to be delivered by mail to her daughters every year until they're 18. I don't know about
you, but sweating out the countdown to the arrival of another pithy tape from my dead mother would be enough to make me give
up birthdays forever, especially considering Ann's decision to cheat her family out of a proper goodbye is allegedly to reduce
the burden on them.
Most egregious is Ann's determination to make a man fall in love with her. Not just sleep with her,
which could perhaps be forgiven in a woman who has known only the husband she met as a teenager, but fall in love with her.
British Columbia clearly suffers from a shortage of decent guys, since Ann's target is Lee (Mark Ruffalo), a creepy loner
who reads a lot, has no furniture in his house, and meets Ann by sitting two feet from her at an all-night laundromat and
watching her sleep. It's hard not to feel pity for the poor bastard, who is strung along right up to his eventual teary
confession of love for the doe-eyed Ann.
MY LIFE WITHOUT ME is an utterly contemptuous soap opera that even attempts to wring emotion from a nurse's
appalling monologue about conjoined boy-and-girl twins who were left to die outside of an incubator for thirty hours.
Of course, there's no such thing as a set of Siamese twins of opposite sexes, rendering Coixet's script as foolish as it is
phony. The movie also cops out by skipping Ann's final days, which I can assure you could not possibly have been mistaken
for an advanced case of anemia. It's interesting to see the cast, particularly Polley and Julian Richings as Ann's shy
doctor, working as hard as it does to bring life to a story they couldn't possibly have believed in. I only wish Ann
had lived her life without me as well. Also with Amanda Plummer, Maria de Medeiros, Leonor Watling and clips of Joan
Crawford and the Powerpuff Girls. Filmed in and around Vancouver. Music by Alfonso Vilallonga. Coixet's
screenplay is based upon "Pretending the Bed Is a Raft", a story by Nanci Kinkaid.
MY NAME IS BRUCE (2008)—Directed by Bruce
Campbell. Stars Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, Grace Thorsen, Taylor Sharpe. EVIL DEAD star Campbell spoofs himself
and his fanbase in this meta horror comedy. The tiny Oregon town of Gold Lick is plagued by a 16th-century Chinese warrior
called Guan-Di, who decapitates his victims. For monster kid Jeff (Sharpe), the solution to stopping the creature is
simple: kidnap horror star Bruce Campbell, who has proven himself to be an expert monster fighter plenty of times in
the movies. Trouble is, the real Bruce is a cowardly, drunken lech who believes the kidnapping is merely a spectacular
birthday present from his agent (Raimi, who also plays two other roles, and quite broadly, I should add). When Campbell
realizes the townspeople really are being killed off by a big, scary monster, he leaves the kid and his comely mom (Thorsen)
behind and runs for the hills. Campbell’s fans will enjoy his familiar clowning and counting the references to
his movies. The R-rated violence is in better taste than the occasional scatological gags, and it’s really hard
to hate any million-dollar labor of love shot entirely in the director/star’s backyard. I can’t imagine
BRUCE plays very well with audiences not in on the joke, but I had a nice time. Campbell’s EVIL DEAD co-star Ellen
Sandweiss shows up as Bruce’s ex-wife.
MY TEACHER’S WIFE (1999)--Directed by Bruce Leddy. Stars Tia Carrere, Jason
London, Christopher McDonald, Alexondra Lee, Zak Orth, Jeffrey Tambor. Believe it or not, director Bruce Leddy made
an obvious but uncredited remake of MY TUTOR, of all things, that hit DVD in 1999, several years after it was lensed under
the title LEARNING CURVES. It not only features a sexual relationship between a high school student (London) and his
math tutor (Carrere), but also, like MY TUTOR, contains London’s sexual fantasies and the notion of needing a tutor
to pass a class so he can get into a prestigious university (Harvard here, Yale in MY TUTOR). Unlike MY TUTOR, Leddy
fails to deliver copious nudity, settling for a one-second shot of Carrere‘s boob double. A more interesting change
is giving Tia’s character a husband, who happens to be London’s jackass math teacher (McDonald). You won’t
believe for a moment that the earthy, sunny, delightful Carrere would marry such a lout, even though McDonald does a good
job shaping his character into someone with more than one dimension. A subplot details London’s estrangement from
cute girlfriend Lee and her flirtation with his best pal Orth. Tambor is really funny as London’s father--almost
funny enough to draw your eyes away from the stunning Carrere during their scenes together.
MY TUTOR (1983)--Directed by George Bowers. Stars Caren Kaye, Matt Lattanzi, Kevin
McCarthy, Crispin Glover, Clark Brandon. Two years after PRIVATE LESSONS was a big hit, Crown International found box-office
success with the same basic concept. Matt Lattanzi (Olivia Newton-John’s then-beau) plays Bobby, a high school
senior who can’t get into Yale unless he passes French, so his father (McCarthy) hires Teri, a beautiful private tutor
(sitcom actress Kaye), to move into the guest house for the summer. Bobby, a virgin who fantasizes about having sex
with various hotties he sees, is seduced over wine one evening, and he and Teri begin a secret sexual relationship.
MY TUTOR actually has more in common with PORKY’S than PRIVATE LESSONS, in that the steamy affair, which is played straight,
competes for screen time with Bobby’s misadventures trying to get laid with his buddies Billy (Brandon) and Jack (Glover).
Director George Bowers (PRIVATE SCHOOL) has trouble reconciling the crude horseplay and mature relationship angles, resulting
in a somewhat choppy tone, but the film earns points for attempting to take the taboo affair seriously. Also with Arlene
Golonka, Amber Austin, Katt Shea, Brioni Farrell, Kitten Natividad, and Jewel Shepard.
MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970)--Directed by Michael Sarne. Stars Raquel Welch, Rex Reed,
Mae West, John Huston. 20th Century Fox released both this and BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, both with X ratings,
in the same year. Both were major, big-budget commercial and critical flops. In recent years, BVD has experienced
some success as a cult movie, but I can't imagine anyone changing his mind about MYRA. It's one of the worst films ever
made by a major studio, a combination of poor performances, unimaginative direction and just plain bad taste.
Myron Breckinridge (film critic Reed, receiving special "Introducing" billing) is a homosexual who undergoes
a sex-change operation and emerges looking like Raquel Welch (and is, in fact, played by Welch), a suspension of disbelief
I wasn't willing to make. "Myra" heads for Hollywood, where she convinces Myron's uncle Buck Loner (Huston) that she's
the late Myron's widow and blackmails him into a job at his acting school. Her ultimate goal is to destroy "the American
male in all its particulars", and one method is to tie up one of her handsome male students and anally rape him with a strap-on
dildo. She also meets a powerful talent scout named Leticia Van Allen, who's played by a ghastly-looking Mae West (well
into her 70s at the time), whose robotic comic timing is eclipsed in gape-mouthed wonder only by the grotesque sexual entendres
that fall out of her mouth at every opportunity. Of all the actors who embarrass themselves here, none do so more than
West, whose big song-and-dance number is just...well...I would say you have to see it for yourself, but nobody should ever
subject himself to MYRA BRECKINRIDGE.
Reed's credibility as an arbiter of quality on film is forever tarnished by his appearance here. His
somnambulant style of acting clashes with the broad strokes of everyone else, particularly Huston, who's so far over the top
that he might as well be a Sylvester Stallone arm wrestling movie. Welch never could carry a movie; of course, no woman
ever dripped more carnality than Raquel in her prime, but even the sight of her in a star-spangled bikini riding a naked stud
like a rodeo cowboy is more ridiculous than erotic. Sarne, a former English pop star and bit actor, directs as though
he's never seen a camera before, and legend has it he clashed with both his male and female leads. Fox tried to extinguish
this bomb the best it could, even deleting some sequences and eventually driving its MPAA rating down to an R, but to no avail.
MYRA quickly became a synonym for "major studio bomb", and even though many films have come along since to take away its title,
none has completely surpassed it.
Also with Roger C. Carmel, Farrah Fawcett, John Carradine, Calvin Lockhart, Andy Devine, Grady Sutton, Jim
Backus, Roger Herren, George Furth, Buck Kartalian, Monte Landis, PERRY MASON's William Hopper as a dope-smoking judge and
a young Tom Selleck as one of Leticia's studs. Lionel Newman received music credit, and John Phillips wrote the theme.
Although Gore Vidal, who wrote the novel upon which MYRA was based, disowned the film, the credits proclaim it GORE VIDAL'S
MYRA BRECKINRIDGE.
THE MYSTERIANS (1957)--Directed by Ishiro Honda. Stars Kenji Sahara, Akihiko Hirata,
Yumi Shirakawa. It takes less than 15 minutes for a giant robot to appear in THE MYSTERIANS, a colorful Japanese science
fiction movie released by Toho (the people who brought you GODZILLA) in 1957. It came to the United States courtesy of RKO
in 1959 (one of the last films released by Howard Hughes' studio), and was the first Toho movie to be filmed in a widescreen
2.35:1 aspect ratio, which the studio dubbed TohoScope. THE MYSTERIANS is now available on DVD from Media Blasters,
containing footage not seen in earlier American prints and offered in its original Japanese track with English subtitles.
There's also a new English soundtrack, since the original dubbing is covered under a separate copyright, but after a few seconds
of listening to it, I decided it just didn't feel right.
The movie is fun, presenting a group of colorful helmeted aliens originally from Mysteroid, an asteroid
that used to exist between Mars and Jupiter. When it exploded centuries ago, its inhabitants moved to Mars and then to the
dark side of our moon, where they built a space station to keep an eye on us. Now they have arrived on Earth in flying saucers
and built an underground dome that peeks out of the ground when they want to blow stuff up. Which they claim they don't want
to do. All they want is a 2-mile parcel of land to call their own. Uh, and five hot Japanese chicks to "marry" so they can
breed healthy children. The Japanese government says, "hell, no" and attacks the alien fortress, only to get their tanks
melted, their planes blown up, and their asses handed to them. Now they've pissed off the Mysterians, who demand 75 miles
of land...and those five Japanese hotties, whom they've already kidnapped. A group of scientists, bolstered by aid from the
United Nations, tries to find a mechanical method of foiling the alien attacks, while one of them, adorned in a Sinatraesque
lid, blasts into the compound with a pop gun and dismantles the whole operation from the inside.
The best thing about THE MYSTERIANS is its pace. The darned thing never lets up, and even though its story
couldn't be simpler, the colors and the battles and the special effects and the action keeps your mind interested. Plus, it
looks terrific in its original widescreen glory; this time I can see all the model work in its 2.35 glory, not cut off for
television like when I was a kid. Akira Ifukube's score is, of course, great; Ifukube provided soundtracks for dozens
of Japanese monster movies.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR (1943)--Directed by Ben Stoloff. Stars John Loder, Eleanor Parker,
Lester Matthews, Matt Willis. In wartime England, the stillness of a sleepy Cornish village is disturbed by the arrival of
Dr. Holmes (Matthews), a pleasant enough chap whose presence makes the townspeople a tad uneasy, especially upon hearing of
a mysterious parachutist dropping from the sky at about the same time as Holmes's coming. The villagers are jumpy enough as
it is, since for years they've been terrorized by a headless ghost that's decapitating anyone brave enough to enter a nearby
abandoned tin mine. Letty (Parker), niece of the local innkeeper, steps in when retarded hulk Bart (Willis) is blamed for
the grisly killings, although she may not be able to stop the lynch mob out for Bart's blood.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR
is kind of a mess--it really has no main character, and the last-minute explanation for the killings seems a little squirrelly--but,
at 57 minutes, the story moves along too quickly for you to notice while you're watching it, and Stoloff builds suspense nicely
by the final reel. None of the performances are particularly noteworthy, although Parker--just seven years away from her first
(of three) Oscar nominations--is perky enough and gorgeous to boot. Also with Bruce Lester, Forrester Harvey, Frank Mayo and
Phyllis Berry. From the director of HOME RUN DERBY!
MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR SATAN (1940)--Directed by William
Witney & John English. Stars Eduardo Ciannelli, Robert Wilson, Ella Neal, C. Montague Shaw. Well-made 15-chapter Republic
cliffhanger pitting masked hero Copperhead (Wilson) against mad Dr. Satan (Ciannelli), who plans to rule the world using an
army of seven-foot robots. He has only one of them working so far, so Satan kidnaps Professor Scott (Shaw) and forces him
to aid in the construction of Satan's mechanical troops. The Copperhead is actually bland Bob Wayne, who dons the mask (he
has no special powers) shortly after learning of his father's crime-fighting career as the original Copperhead from his friend
the Governor, who is murdered by Dr. Satan shortly thereafter. An unbilled Dave Sharpe is at his best here tackling the Copperhead's
falls, jumps, dives and fights, and the special effects by Republic's ace duo of Howard and Theodore Lydecker are right on
target. Also with William Newell, Dorothy Herbert, Yakima Canutt, Tristram Coffin, Eddie Parker and Duke Taylor.
MYSTERIOUS
ISLAND (1961)--Directed by Cy Endfield. Stars Michael Callan, Herbert Lom, Gary Merrill, Michael Craig, Joan Greenwood.
Pretty fun adventure based upon a Jules Verne novel featuring outstanding Ray Harryhausen stop-motion animation. Three Union
soldiers escape from a Confederate POW camp in a giant balloon, which eventually crashes on a remote Pacific island which,
unbeknownst to them and the shipwreck survivors they meet, is inhabited by Captain Nemo (Lom). The castaways band together
to battle a number of neat Harryhausen creations, including a cephalopod and a giant chicken! Columbia spared little expense,
shooting on location in Spain and England, gathering a good cast, and hiring the great Bernard Herrmann, who contributes one
of his best fantasy-oriented scores.
MYSTERIOUS PLANET (1982)--Directed by Brett Piper. Stars Paula Tauper, Boyd Piper.
Piper reportedly made this ambitious home movie for $5000. It looks it. It also apparently played theatrically,
which is quite a feat. Piper uses stop-motion animation, glass mattes, forced perspective and other decent special effects
tricks to tell his story about a group of space travelers who become stranded on the titular planet and encounter a giant
two-headed snail and other hungry creatures. For some reason, the soundtrack is terrible; Piper doesn’t appear
to have erased the guide track before recording the post-synched dialogue over it, and sometimes his stage directions to the
cast are heard! I don’t know why the audio is so amateurishly mixed, because Piper appears to have solid credentials
in other aspects of filmmaking. MYSTERIOUS PLANET, a loose remake of Jules Verne’s MYSTERIOUS ISLAND, is decent
for what it is, which isn’t much. A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL is probably Piper’s best-known film.
MYSTERY IN BERMUDA (1979)--Directed by Gilberto
Martinez Solares. Stars Santo, Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Gaynor Kote. The Mexican wrestling superhero genre was
at its ebb when producer Rogelio Agrasanchez cranked out this tame mystery that teams up its biggest stars: Santo (“the
man in the silver mask”), Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras (“Thousand Masks”). The government taps the
trio to protect Sorieda (Kote), the Princess of Irania, who’s in town to sign an important treaty. Enemy agents
attempt to assassinate her, so Sorieda is replaced by a double, who is murdered, while the real princess poses as a kung fu
expert. Meanwhile, the masked wrestlers are seduced by three women who are working with the bad guys. There’s
also a strange subplot involving an underwater community in the Bermuda Triangle that’s kidnapping scientists.
It’s pretty bizarre and confusing, and the action quotient is lower than usual, maybe because the stars were getting
old. Solares shot this one on South Padre Island, perhaps the only time a Santo movie lensed in the United States.
MYSTERY MEN (1999)--Directed by Kinka Usher. Stars Hank Azaria, Claire Forlani, Janeane Garafolo,
William H. Macy, Kel Mitchell, Paul Reubens, Ben Stiller, Wes Studi, Greg Kinnear, Geoffrey Rush, Lena Olin, Tom Waits. Amusing
superhero spoof boasts an excellent cast of comic actors and a good number of satisfactory laughs. Champion City (which seems
to have been designed by Kirk M. Petruccelli as a parody of BATMAN's Gotham City and the Los Angeles of BLADE RUNNER) is almost
completely crime-free, thanks to the super-powered derring-do of costumed crimefighter Captain Amazing (a smirky Kinnear).
Unfortunately for Amazing, since there're no longer any supervillains for him to battle, his corporate sponsors are beginning
to pull their financial support (their logos, plastered all over Amazing's costume, aren't getting enough airtime on the local
news). Amazing's remedy is to spring his number-one archnemesis, Casanova Frankenstein (Rush using a bizarrely Teutonic accent),
from the local asylum, and set him up in the evil-doing business so that Amazing will have somebody to fight again. Needless
to say, Amazing's plan goes awry when he is captured and sentenced to death by Frankenstein, and his fate--and that of Champion
City--lies in the hands of a trio of misfit superheroes: Mr. Furious (Stiller), whose power is that he sometimes gets really
P.O.ed; the Shoveler (Macy), a family man who's really terrific at, uh, shoveling; and the Blue Raja (Azaria, who appears
to be channeling Terry-Thomas), who hasn't a speck of blue on his uniform, speaks with a fey English accent, and battles his
foes using a wide array of silverware.
Knowing they haven't enough firepower to battle Frankenstein and his fighting
force of henchmen, including the Disco Boys (all decked out in leisure suits and Afros) and the Frat Boys (who wear matching
sweaters and pound a lot of brewskis), our heroes recruit some new members into their junky Justice League, including the
Bowler (Garafolo), who carries her late father's skull encased in her Lucite bowling ball; the Spleen (Reubens), who battles
bad guys using flaming flatulence; Invisible Boy (Mitchell), who can only become transparent when no one is watching him;
and the Sphinx (Studi), a mysterious mentor who speaks mainly in senseless platitudes.
The cast really has terrific
chemistry, and MYSTERY MEN works best when it allows these lovable losers to play off one another--kind of a mixture of DINER
and ED WOOD. Macy is especially good (so what else is new?), projecting equal dollops of earnestness and tenacity as the groups
unofficial leader, Rush has a great time camping it up as a megalomaniac who seemingly wants to blow up Champion City just
for the heck of it, Kinnear couldn't be more perfectly cast, and Olin, who is given disappointingly little to do, looks gorgeous.
Usher, a director of TV commercials making his feature debut, wisely doesnt get in the way of his cast of experienced actors,
and has put together with scripter Neil Cuthbert and cinematographer Stephen H. Burum a hip, slick, fast-moving comedy with
enough action and decent special effects to keep audiences entertained, although it wouldn't have hurt Usher and editor Conrad
Buff to snip about twenty minutes out. Also with Eddie Izzard, Louise Lasser (MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN), comedian Dana Gould,
Artie Lange (NORM), Jenifer Lewis, Mark Mothersbaugh, Riki Rachtman, PEARL HARBOR director Michael Bay, Stacey Travis, Ricky
Jay and singer Jody Watley. Music by Stephen Warbeck hits all the right notes. Based upon the Dark Horse comic created by
Bob Burden.
THE MYSTERY OF THE JUNGLE (1972)—Directed by Miguel Iglesias. Stars Richard Yesteran,
Julian Ugarte, Didi Sherman, Cesar Burner, Marina Ferri. Steve Kendall and four beautiful secret agents go undercover into
the jungle as a priest and four nuns to investigate native unrest. Nazi war criminal Franz von Hertlang (Ugarte) operates
a gunrunning operation from his swanky cave hideout and sends out his minions to keep the locals riled up. Meanwhile, Tarzan
(Yesteran) occasionally joins the fray to beat up some bad guys. Well, okay, he isn’t called Tarzan, but he’s
dressed like the Ron Ely Tarzan and gives the Johnny Weissmuller yell. Sets, camerawork, and the funkalicious score indicate
the Spanish producers may have had a bit of dough to spend. Unfortunately, as attractive as it looks, not much really happens
beyond a few explosions and a couple of crocodile “attacks” (using mismatched stock footage). If the action scenes
were more exciting, it would be a lot easier to recommend the movie. Ugarte is a properly oily villain, though Tarzan is merely
a supporting character in his own movie. Received a release in some countries as TARZAN AND THE MYSTERY OF THE JUNGLE.
MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM (1933)--Directed by Michael Curtiz. Stars Lionel Atwill, Fay Wray,
Glenda Farrell. Very energetic horror film from Warner Brothers at a time when Universal dominated the horror market. Warners
competed by shooting this in two-strip Technicolor, which appears somewhat washed out today, but still effective. Atwill,
in one of his best roles, is a typical '30s mad doctor who relocates to New York after his unscrupulous partner burns down
their London wax museum for the insurance. Atwill, believed to have been killed in the fire, opens a new wax museum in NYC
by stealing bodies from the morgue and covering them with wax to achieve a most realistic effect. The sets are marvelous,
and as great as Atwill is, Farrell steals the film as a wisecracking, fast-talking, flirty newspaper reporter who becomes
suspicious of the crippled Atwill. Wray screams too much for my tastes, but the scene where she cracks Atwill's wax face to
reveal his scarred countenance beneath is pretty shocking. Also with Frank McHugh, Holmes Herbert and Gavin Gordon.
MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND (1981)—Directed by Juan Piquer Simon. Stars Peter Cushing,
Terence Stamp, Ian Sera, David Hatton. I don't know what to think about this Spanish production by the director of PIECES.
It's pretty goofy and has some terrible acting (mostly by Hatton as the insufferable comic relief), but, what the heck, it's
lively enough, and it seems like there's a new plot every 20 minutes. It definitely needed a lot more Peter Cushing
and Terence Stamp (whose appearances are confined to the opening and ending), and a lot less awful slapstick. The monsters
are ridiculously cheap-looking, but I guess it all makes sense within the confines of the story. I think what I'm trying
to say is that I had a nice time watching it, but I can in no way defend it or recommend it. In this Jules Verne adaptation,
young Jeff (Sera) and his etiquette teacher (Hatton) are shipwrecked on a deserted island, where they encounter giant worms,
a dinosaur and erupting volcanoes. Meanwhile, evil Stamp and his men invade the island to recover a hidden gold cache.
The twist ending may have you reaching for a TV brick. Also with Frank Brana, Blanca Estrada and horror icon Paul Naschy
(who is killed off early, wondering what the point was of hiring Paul Naschy).
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000:
THE MOVIE (1996)--Directed by Jim Mallon. Stars Michael J. Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Jim Mallon. Comedy
Central's cult television hit comes to the big screen! Amiable Mike (Nelson) and his two robot pals, Crow (Beaulieu) and Tom
Servo (Murphy) are stranded in space aboard the Satellite of Love, and forced to watch bad movies by the evil mad scientist
Dr. Clayton Forrester (Beaulieu again) in his attempts at world domination. To help them get through the cheesy movies, Mike
and the robots (seen silhouetted at the bottom of the screen while we watch the film along with them) make funny, sarcastic
remarks about everything--the acting, special effects, sets, etc. The experiment in the gang's first big-screen show is 1954's
THIS ISLAND EARTH, featuring Rex Reason, Faith Domergue and Jeff Morrow. Russell "The Professor" Johnson is in it too, so
expect plenty of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND references. As a regular TV episode, this would be just routine, but as a theatrical film
comedy, it's one of the funniest movies in a long time. Only 77 minutes long. Based on the series created by Joel Hodgson.
We get to see Tom Servo's bedroom in this one.
MYSTERY STREET (1950)--Directed by John Sturges. Stars
Ricardo Montalban, Sally Forrest, Bruce Bennett, Jan Sterling. 29-year-old Montalban is good as a police detective investigating
the murder of a Boston bar girl (Sterling). The screenplay (co-written by Richard Brooks) was based on an Oscar-nominated
story (it lost to PANIC IN THE STREETS). It takes the form of a police procedural as Montalban discovers the body, works with
a forensic scientist (Bennett) to uncover physical evidence, gathers clues, interviews witnesses, arrests the suspect, then
works against time to capture the real murderer. Nice support by Marshall Thompson as the innocent man and Elsa Lanchester
as a batty landlady.
MYSTIC PIZZA (1988)--Directed by Donald Petrie. Stars Julia Roberts, Lili Taylor,
Annabeth Gish. The first indication of Julia Roberts's future stardom. She's one of three waitresses working at a Connecticut
pizza parlor who experience familiar romantic peaks and valleys over the length of a summer. The performances all around are
well done.
MYSTIC RIVER (2003)--Directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Kevin
Bacon, Laurence Fishburne, Marcia Gay Harden. Penn and Robbins won Academy Awards for their performances in Eastwood's
stealthy adaptation of Dennis Lehane's crime drama. Three childhood friends--Jimmy (Penn), Dave (Robbins) and Sean (Bacon)--are
reunited after Jimmy's teenage daughter is murdered near her Boston home. Sean and his partner Whitey (Fishburne) are
the police detectives assigned to the case, a complex one that involves Jimmy's intense urge to punish the killer his own
way and Dave's childhood trauma of having been kidnapped and molested by two men posing as policemen.
Despite its six Oscar nominations, MYSTIC RIVER never really attains the believability or dramatic weight
that it should. Penn's performance is overstated, whereas subtle would have been better (although less showy and less
likely to attract Oscar voters), and I never bought that Robbins' character could have landed such a thoughtful and attractive
wife (Harden).
Eastwood's pacing can best be described as leisurely; I adore that he likes to take his time to tell his stories
the way he sees fit, but MYSTIC would have benefited from some fat-slicing. It's often absorbing and gives its all-star
cast plenty to sink their teeth into, but nowhere near one of the year's best films. Clint also composed the score and
produced the film; Brian Helgeland (L.A. CONFIDENTIAL) adapted Lehane's book. Also with Eli Wallach, Laura Linney, Emmy
Rossum and Kevin Conway.
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