The incomprehensible storyline begins with space smuggler Stella Star (Munro) and her superpowered sidekick Akton (Gortner) fleeing through "hyperspace" (really cheap, animated squiggly lines) from their adversaries Thor (a bald, blue-faced Tessier) and Galactic Police Robot L (Hamilton), who speaks with a Texan (!) accent.  Although Stella and Akton are hailed as worthy adversaries, they're startlingly easy to capture, and are sentenced by a silly-looking stop-motion-animated head to long prison terms.  Stella is forced into hard labor "feeding radium to the furnace", which is actually dropping beach balls from a medical stretcher into a large hole in the ground.   Easily escaping and destroying the facility, Stella dashes through a grassy field, and is again captured by Thor and L.  This time, though, it's OK, since Thor and L have engineered her escape (although they couldn't have judging from what we saw) on behalf of the Emperor of the Universe (a what-is-he-doing-here Plummer).  Reunited with Akton, Stella is assigned by the Emperor to rescue his son Simon (Hasselhoff, who was on "The Young and the Restless" at the time), whose ship crashlanded on one of three planets.  To extend the running time to feature length, the search party doesn't find him until they reach the third planet, which also is the home of the diabolical Count Zarth Arn (Spinell), whose dialogue sounds like Stan Lee's Dr. Doom and whose wardrobe suspiciously resembles Darth Vader's.

I'm worn out detailing just this much of the plot, since it seems to change every few minutes.  New characters are added, others are dropped.  Cozzi and co-screenwriter Nat Wachsberger write themselves out of corners by giving the characters previously unmentioned superpowers, and into others through an alarming lack of logic, characterization and elementary school-level science.  See Stella survive a night on the surface of a planet with a temperature of "thousands of degrees" below zero!  See the Emperor's warriors invade the Count's spaceship (which is shaped like a giant hand--complete with flexing fingers!) by firing themselves inside torpedoes (!) through glass windows (!) onto the bridge!  See Marjoe battle animated creatures using a lightsaber (!) that the Count's crack security staff conveniently neglected to confiscate!  Best of all, watch in amazement as the Emperor rescues our heroes with the ultimate deus ex machina--a green ray that "halts the flow of time"!

The visual effects are pretty lousy all around, although there are lots of them--chintzy plastic spaceship models (complete with hanging wires), cheap animation, blurry rear-screen projection, jiggery stop-motion.  The outer space backgrounds resemble Christmas trees with their bright red, yellow and blue "stars", the "dogfights" are ineptly choreographed and, as for the makeup, Gortner and Hasselhoff wear as much mascara as Munro.  It's difficult to judge the performances, due to the crude dubbing and cringe-inducing dialogue, but it's to imagine any cast of actors that could improve this film.  Munro, one of the sexiest women ever to appear in genre movies, acts mostly with a steady array of cleavage-baring leather bikinis, Gortner delivers another performance with the same goofy grin he always uses, Spinell flares his nostrils and spins his cape, and Hasselhoff just plain looks lonely and lost.

What's glorious about STARCRASH is that, when viewed with the proper state of mind, it's quite fun.  The story becomes such a mess so early in the picture that I gave up the stressful feat of actually trying to follow it, and just went along with the goofy flow instead.  Every few minutes, a new threat--an army of sexy Amazon warriors, a 50-foot robot with boobs, kung-fu-kicking cavemen, sword-wielding golems--is introduced that's even funnier than the one that came before it, and every time Cozzi pulls another headscratching "plothole eraser" (for instance, at just the right time, it's revealed that one character can see into the future, which, of course, explains why he lets himself be hit on the head and captured over and over again) out of his hat, it's so in-your-face audacious and shameful that I had to laugh. 

Somehow Cozzi convinced Bond-film veteran John Barry to do the score, which is better than STARCRASH deserves, but still below-average for Barry.  Also with Nadia Cassini as the Amazon Queen and American character actor Hamilton Camp as the voice of L.  Judd Hamilton, who "played" L, was Munro's husband, and also appeared with her (and Spinell) in THE LAST HORROR FILM.  Cozzi, who was credited in America as "Lewis Coates", also directed Lou Ferrigno in a pair of laughable Hercules adventures.  Also known as THE ADVENTURES OF STELLA STAR and FEMALE SPACE INVADERS!  The tagline on the original one-sheet that's hanging in my living room says, "A Space Adventure for all Time!"  Hardly.

STARGATE (1994)--Directed by Roland Emmerich.  Stars Kurt Russell, James Spader, Jaye Davidson.  This surprise hit from MGM allowed director Emmerich and writer/producer Dean Devlin to collaborate on INDEPENDENCE DAY, which became one of the biggest box-office smashes ever.  Crewcutted soldier Russell and nerdy Egyptologist Spader travel through a mysterious portal of extraterrestrial origin to a parallel desert world ruled by an effeminate Sun God (Davidson's follow-up to his Oscar-nominated role in THE CRYING GAME) and populated by slaves.  Filled with epic scenes and spellbinding special effects, but Russell's character is clichéd, and the climax is a letdown.  Emmerich and Devlin take the audience on a wild ride though, and although you may not remember much about it later, STARGATE is fun while it lasts.  Music by David Arnold.  Also with Viveca Lindfors, John Diehl and Alexis Cruz.  Filmed in Arizona.

STARK (1985)--Directed by Rod Holcomb.  Stars Nicolas Surovy, Marilu Henner, Dennis Hopper.  Surovy's big break as a series lead didn't work out when this CBS pilot failed to land a regular berth.  Tough alcoholic Wichita cop Evan Stark (soap star Surovy) travels to Las Vegas to find his chorus-girl sister, who disappeared along with a roommate on their way to Los Angeles.  Refusing to play by the rules and constantly butting heads with fair but by-the-book Vegas detective Bliss (Hopper), Stark teams up with another roommate, Ashley (Henner), and discovers prostitution, murder and political corruption.  In Vegas?  Nooooooo...  Surovy is okay, I guess, but a little hard to take as a series lead.  Hopper's appearance is perplexing; for one thing, the role is much too straight and normal for a personality like his, and for another, he wasn't doing any other television during this period.  Maybe he liked the free trip to Vegas.  He and Surovy returned for STARK: MIRROR IMAGE a year later.  Also with Pat Corley, Norbert Weisser, Mike Genovese, Seth Jaffe and Denise Crosby.  Music by Peter Myers; theme by Bill Conti.

STARSHIP INVASIONS (1977)--Directed by Ed Hunt.  Stars Robert Vaughn, Christopher Lee.  This is what happens, I guess, when Canadians try science fiction. Made at the peak of the 1970s' UFO craze, it stars Robert Vaughn as a UFO expert who is abducted by good aliens that are trying to prevent bad aliens (led by Christopher Lee!) from conquering the earth with a suicide ray (!) that forces Earthlings to kill themselves. There's a stupid-looking robot, TV-style direction and scoring (by Gil Melle, usually better than this), and the aliens "speak" only in voiceover--so Hunt can shoot faster and cheaper without sync sound.  Lee barely holds on to his dignity, costumed as he is in a tight black leotard and odd, large headgear under his hood.  Vaughn is fine, not playing someone arrogant for once, but strangely passive.  The visual effects are okay, even if the flying saucers do look like pie plates (shades of PLAN 9!).  Also with Helen Shaver and Daniel Pilon.

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)--Directed by Paul Verhoeven.  Stars Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Michael Ironside.  Action-packed blockbuster based upon the 1959 novel by renowned science-fiction author Robert A. Heinlein.  Sometime in the future, Earth is in danger of being invaded by fierce insects from outer space--and it's up to the kids from BEVERLY HILLS 90210 to stop the madness!  Hotshot Johnny Rico (Van Dien) joins the service in order to follow dream girl Carmen Ibanez (creamy Richards), who plans to be a spaceship pilot.  But after he's dumped, Rico not only becomes his unit's number-one topkick in the battle against the bugs, but he also falls for tough infantry chick Meyer. 

Most of this plays for parody, as Verhoeven puts the blood-and-guts of war front and center, contrasting our heroes' suburban-like background with the grit of battle.  The visual effects by Phil Tibbett and a number of FX companies are spellbinding; never are you less than convinced that giant bugs are overrunning the planet.  And mean ones too--some of them even spit fire from antennae!  The younger cast members are pretty bland, but that actually works in the film's favor.  Screenplay by Ed (ROBOCOP) Neumeier.  Rousing musical score by Basil Poledouris.  Also with Clancy Brown, Neil Patrick Harris, Rue McClanahan.  One of the best science-fiction films of the decade from the director of ROBOCOP and TOTAL RECALL.

STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION (2004)--Directed by Phil Tippett.  Stars Richard Burgi, Brenda Strong, Ed Lauter.  Made on about 1/20 the budget of Paul Verhoeven's original, this direct-to-video sequel obviously doesn't match up, but plays instead as a reasonably diverting horror film cribbed from several obvious sources.  Earth's war against the bugs continues several years after the events of the first film.  A squad of soldiers finds itself stranded in a remote desert outpost surrounded by the carnivorous devils, which have evolved into some sort of parasite that can invade the human body and lay eggs inside of it.  You'll recognize elements of THE THING, ALIEN, SPECIES and THE HIDDEN as the cast members are methodically picked off from within.  Tippett, an Oscar-winning visual effects guru directed his first film, handles his low budget well, and the 24p digital cinematography looks pretty decent.  Mavens of nudity and gore will likely savor the generous portions ladled out in Ed Neumeier's screenplay.  Neumeier, producer Jon Davison and Tippett (as the FX supervisor) worked together on STARSHIP TROOPERS, as did Strong, who stars here as a different character.  Also with Kelly Carlson (who looks good nude), Sandrine Holt, Lawrence Monoson (THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN), Ed Quinn, Drew Powell and J.P. Manoux.  Music by John Morgan and William Stromberg.

STARSKY AND HUTCH (1975)--Directed by Barry Shear.  Stars David Soul, Paul Michael Glaser, Albert Morgenstern, Gilbert Green.  If you remember the STARSKY AND HUTCH TV series as a campy mix of squealing tires, tired comic relief and bad dialogue, its tough pilot'll probably surprise you.  Likely influenced by the then-current stream of riotous buddy-cop flicks like FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, William Blinn's teleplay isn't afraid to get dirty, throwing in plenty of violence, squalid locations and mild swearing to complement the realistically familiar relationship between its lead characters, intense, dark-haired David Starsky (Glaser) and sensitive, blond Ken Hutchinson (Soul), undercover police detectives, friends and partners for over three years.

A pair of out-of-town hitmen guns down two young lovers parked in a red-and-white Ford Gran Torino.  The car is eerily similar to that driven by Starsky, who gets a little riled when District Attorney Henderson (Morgenstern) suggests that he may have been the intended victim.  He and Hutch are due to testify in the bribery trial of mobster Frank Tallman (Green), the likeliest suspect.  Another attempt on the cops' lives during a stakeout lead them to believe that the assassins are getting inside information from an informant connected with the police department.  But who?

Truthfully, the mastermind who hired Starsky and Hutch's killers has a pretty wonky motive for doing so, and it seems he could have saved himself a lot of trouble and had a better chance of avoiding suspicion if he had just followed a simpler plan.  The story isn't necessarily what's important anyway; the pilot's job is to create a compelling concept and characters to inhabit it, and that's what Blinn and director Shear (ACROSS 110TH STREET) have done.  S&H could almost inhabit the same universe as ACROSS 110TH STREET, a dingy, brutal neighborhood filled with garbage, both human and otherwise.  Shear's in-your-face action scenes nicely contrast the light touch Glaser and Soul bring to the project.  Their chemistry together is likely what sold the series to ABC, and it seems as though the two actors had been close friends forever.

As the show wore on, the scripts became sillier (Starsky and Hutch went undercover as mimes in one episode, and in another, which guest-starred Jeff Goldblum as an obnoxious film director, they became Hollywood stuntmen) and the performers grew visibly bored on-screen (both Soul and Glaser directed several episodes, as the network attempted to appease their itchy stars).  But this pilot shows everyone on top of his game.  Antonio Fargas has one scene as the soon-to-be-popular Huggy Bear, and Richard Ward plays the stars' boss Captain Dobey (Bernie Hamilton took over for the series).  Also with Michael Lerner, Richard Lynch, Michael Conrad, Karen Lamm, Simone Griffeth, Gordon Jump and Larry Manetti.  A section of Lalo Schifrin's score was recycled as the series theme; I imagine the producers considered it too moody, and it was later replaced with a more energetic theme composed by Tom Scott.  A marquee for producer Joseph T. Naar's BLACULA appears.

The 71-minute pilot is included, along with the first 22 regular episodes, in STARSKY & HUTCH: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON, a five-disc DVD set from Columbia Tri-Star.  The box happily includes several interesting extras, including a new documentary (which runs nearly a half-hour) on the show that includes interviews with Soul, Glaser, Blinn, Naar and executive producer Leonard Goldberg.  Glaser, who dropped out of acting to pursue feature directing (KAZAAM!), has aged nicely; Soul, the same age as his co-star, has not.  Other featurettes include bloopers, a recent look at one of the show's original Torinos and a preview of the 2004 STARSKY & HUTCH film starring Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson.  Some trailers for Columbia films BAD BOYS and S.W.A.T. are present, as well as previews for other Columbia DVD collections of TV series.  What's really neat are original promos for all 22 first-season episodes, narrated by a bored Glaser ("This is Paul Michael Glaser.  On our next episode...") and featuring a strange animated version of the Torino that acts as a button to each spot.  These are cool to see, but they unfortunately aren't marked with chapter stops and have to be watched in a single sitting.

STARSKY & HUTCH (2004)--Directed by Todd Phillips.  Stars Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Snoop Dogg.  Zebra Three is back, burning rubber and breaking rules just like in the old days in STARSKY & HUTCH, an amusing parody of the violent buddy-cop show that aired on ABC for four seasons in the late 1970's.  Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul literally pass the car keys to Starsky's souped-up red-and-white Gran Torino to real-life pals Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson in a film that's never quite as clever or funny as it should be, but works often enough to recommend as a 100-minute timewaster.

Two undercover detectives in the Bay City (California) Police Department, by-the-book David Starsky (Stiller) and roguish ladies' man Ken Hutchinson (Wilson), catch a case involving a dead drug dealer floating in the bay.  Among his possessions are a business card belonging to wealthy druglord Reese Feldman (Vince Vaughn), who has developed a new strain of cocaine that cannot be detected by police dogs.  Screenwriters John O'Brien (currently scripting a DUKES OF HAZZARD remake), Scot Armstrong (OLD SCHOOL) and Todd Phillips, who also directed, mostly ignore this clever plot element in favor of silly slapstick, as Starsky and Hutch follow the clues to a lascivious inmate (an unbilled cameo by Will Farrell), some slinky cheerleaders (played by Carmen Electra, Amy Smart and Brande Roderick) and a barful of brawling bikers, until vital information supplied by the ubiquitous Huggy Bear (Snoop Dogg) points to Feldman as their man.

Despite the presence of '70s icon Fred "The Hammer" Williamson (BLACK CAESAR) as Starsky and Hutch's ever-irascible boss, Phillips' film doesn't take enough advantage of its period or plot.  He and his writers have certainly done their homework, as longtime fans will notice several affectionate nods (especially a beach frolic that Glaser and Soul must look back on with embarrassment) to the television series, but forsaking a few gags for the sake of the storyline would have made both the action and the comedy richer and truer to the vibe I think Phillips was reaching for (look to Daniel Petrie, Jr. and Danilo Bach's Oscar-nominated script for BEVERLY HILLS COP for a good example).  Pacing is also a problem; after an intriguing opening reel, the good material is intermittent, most notably bogging down during a disco-dancing contest that feels shoehorned in to create an inexpensive setpiece.  Still, many of the gags are droll enough to inspire chuckles, and a refreshing shortage of meanspirited or scatological humor induces the audience to cut the film some slack.

Stiller and Wilson have worked together on six films and a TV pilot, so their breezy chemistry as opposites-attract cops is no big surprise.  One does wonder how much longer Wilson can continue to play "Owen Wilson" in films; for example, any difference between his Hutch and the slack sidekick he plays in Jackie Chan movies is entirely accidental.  Vaughn appears to have boned up to play the heavy by studying old reruns (think, oh, Robert Webber perhaps), and it's a shame his character isn't developed enough to allow him to take advantage of his research.  Barry Peterson's camerawork occasionally imitates the look of the TV show, but Theodore Shapiro, filling a job tailor-made for Lalo Schifrin, fails to provide a flavorful wit in his score, settling instead for loungy chase music.

Of course, it wouldn't be STARSKY & HUTCH without the "Striped Tomato."  Gearheads will be delighted to know that Starsky's Torino can still spin out and jump a ramp as excitingly as ever.  If Phillips could only have adjusted his story as tightly as the Torino can take turns, he might have made a classic, instead of a fitfully fun joyride.

Also with Chris Penn, Juliette Lewis, Molly Sims, Jason Bateman, Richard Edson, Patton Oswalt and George Kee Cheung.  Wilson's rendition of Soul's #1 hit "Don't Give Up On Us" is a comic highlight.  Speaking of, the cameos by Soul and Glaser deliver much heart and even more credibility to Wilson and Stiller's performances.  Songs by Aerosmith, Sammy Johns, Starland Vocal Band, Chicago and others.  Filmed on location in "Bay City".  And, of course, the L.A. River basin makes an appearance.

STARTING OVER (1979)--Directed by Alan J. Pakula.  Stars Burt Reynolds, Candice Bergen, Jill Clayburgh, Charles Durning, Frances Sternhagen.  Working with a witty screenplay by James L. Brooks, who later wrote and directed TERMS OF ENDEARMENT and AS GOOD AS IT GETS, Reynolds plays against type as a lonely magazine writer who moves to Boston following his divorce from an aspiring singer-songwriter played by Bergen.  With the assistance of his touchy-feely psychiatrist brother (Durning) and sister-in-law (Sternhagen), Reynolds is set up with an eccentric schoolteacher played by Clayburgh, who specialized in eccentric young women during the '70s. 

Both characters are likable, sweet, funny, but have been burned by bad relationships before, and are insecure about starting another one.  Brooks also fills his script with a number of amusing supporting characters, like the members of a men's divorce support group that Reynolds joins, who freely admit that they don't know the first thing about women.  Both Clayburgh and Bergen were nominated for Academy Awards for their performances in STARTING OVER.  Reynolds wasn't, and it's one of the Academy's most glaring oversights.  Burt shaved off his trademark mustache to play this role, and with it came his larger-than-life macho image.  He's still likable and charismatic, but also more down-to-earth and someone we can easily identify with, sympathize with, and care about.  Also with Austin Pendleton, Jay O. Sanders, Alfie Wise and Mary Kay Place.  Kevin Bacon is allegedly in there somewhere as "Young Man", but I couldn't spot him.  Music by Marvin Hamilisch, who teamed with Carole Bayer Sager to write the (intentionally) wretched songs croaked by Bergen.

STATE AND MAIN (2000)--Directed by David Mamet.  Stars William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, Rebecca Pidgeon, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, David Paymer, Charles Durning, Patti LuPone, Julia Stiles, Clark Gregg.  Writer-director Mamet (GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS) adapts his trademark rat-a-tat-tat style to screwball comedy for this rollicking swipe at Hollywood moviemaking.  Fast-talking Walt Price (Macy) and his crew invade sleepy Waterford, Vermont to make a period piece called THE OLD MILL.  Problem is there's no old mill in Waterford anymore (it burned down in 1960--those troublesome teenage arsonists!), so it's up to first-time screenwriter Joseph White (Hoffman) to make some script accommodations.  Other invaders include leading man Bob Barrenger (Baldwin), whose proclivity for teenage girls got the crew kicked out of their former location; female lead Claire Wellesley (Parker), who demands an extra $800,000 to pop her top on camera; and profane producer Marty Rossen (Paymer).  Adjusting to the Hollywood gang's frantic ways are befuddled mayor Bailey (Durning) and his trophy wife (LuPone); saucy teen Carla (Stiles); and sweet bookstore owner Ann (Pidgeon), who falls for Joseph against the wishes of her arrogant lawyer fiancé Doug (Gregg).

Although satirizing Hollywood has been done to death on screen (Tom DiCillo's LIVING IN OBLIVION, Robert Altman's THE PLAYER, Alan Alda's SWEET LIBERTY--also about a film crew invading a small New England town), STATE AND MAIN feels fresh due to its razor-sharp dialogue and fine thesping by its cast.  Macy comes off best as the alternately fawning and ferocious filmmaker, delivering lines like "It's not a lie.  It's a gift for fiction." with aplomb.  Baldwin has fun sending up his own image, while Hoffman and Pidgeon lend the film its heart.  Although many may consider Mamet to be slumming with such lightweight material, STATE AND MAIN is easily one of the funniest comedies of the year, and I hardly consider it to be a waste of Mamet's abilities.  Also with Ricky Jay, Jim Frangione and Michael Higgins.  Theodore Shapiro delivers the cool score.

STEEL (1980)--Directed by Steve Carver.  Stars Lee Majors, Jennifer O'Neill, George Kennedy.  Lee Majors was once a great television star. Beginning as brooding blond brother Heath on ABC's solid THE BIG VALLEY, Majors then supported Arthur Hill on OWEN MARSHALL, COUNSELOR AT LAW before finally striking gold as the lead in THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN.  Majors had another monster ABC hit in the early '80s as stuntman/bounty hunter Colt Seavers on THE FALL GUY, but in between series, the Midwestern-reared actor attempted to kickstart a feature-film career that sputtered, rather than sparked. He went to Canada to do AGENCY, an odd thriller about advertising, and to Brazil to do an Italian movie called KILLER FISH. He even made a Viking picture called THE NORSEMAN; who in 1979 wanted to see a movie about Vikings?

Probably his best film from this period is STEEL, which is a suspense thriller about...building a skyscraper. Yup. You wouldn't think an audience could get very excited about the construction of a large concrete-and-steel office building, and it's a mystery why the film was made. Majors believed in it; he was the executive producer. But somehow the damn thing works, and I think I know why.  As written by Leigh Chapman (DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY) and directed by Steve Carver (LONE WOLF MCQUADE), STEEL is structured like a western. The construction workers are cowboys--macho, hard-drinkin', skirt-chasin', joke-pullin', rough-housin' men. There's a specific mission they must perform, and there's an evil rival with a dumb henchman that tries to prevent them from succeeding. The good guys battle weather, time, personal demons and even themselves, before good ol' American teamwork and ingenuity saves the day.

Majors is Mike Catton, a "ramrod" hired by purty Miss Cass Cassidy (O'Neill) after her father, Big Lew (George Kennedy), is killed in an accident. Lew Cassidy was attempting to build the largest skyscraper in Lexington, Kentucky (!), but with him out of the picture, the banks are threatening to pull their loans, and Cass has just three weeks to finish nine floors.  With so much to do and so little time in which to do it, Cass needs the crème de la crème in the construction industry. In STEEL, you'll discover that the best construction workers are like folk heroes to other construction workers, that they all know each other or have at least heard of each other. Like in ROAD HOUSE, where every white-trash barmaid in the Midwest fell apart in awe just upon hearing Patrick Swayze's name, these blue-collar toughies melt at the thought of working side-by-side with Mike Catton and his team of experts.

Like THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, Mike and Cass travel around the country recruiting special men to take on this special project--guys named Cherokee (a big bald Indian played by the late Robert Tessier), Dancer (veteran heavy Richard Lynch), Valentino (an Italian lothario played by WEEKEND AT BERNIE's Terry Kiser), Tank (Albert Salmi) and Harry (an ex-IRA bomber played by Redmond Gleeson). Naturally, none can resist the challenge of building nine floors in three weeks...or the bonus that a successful project will net them.  The job's big hitch is Cass' sinister uncle Eddie (Harris Yulin), who stands to take over the building from the bank if it fails and uses underhanded means to ensure that it does, such as pitting the unions against one another and paying off truckers not to deliver steel to the site.

STEEL is nothing special, but it is a surprisingly good time, full of humor and machismo and Fordian male bonding. It's sort of refreshing to see an action thriller in which most of the "action" is men hammering and climbing and welding and riveting. There is some nice stuntwork in the film--in fact, STEEL is dedicated to a stuntman who lost his life performing George Kennedy's death scene--but aside from a short chase scene and a couple of explosions, the scenes of peril aren't much different than those that affect real construction workers every day. The familiar cast of character actors is great fun to watch (Art Carney and R.G. Armstrong are also here), the love story is wisely kept in the background, and the climax somehow manages to wring a kernel or two of excitement.

STEEL AND LACE (1991)—Directed by Ernest D. Farino.  Stars Bruce Davison, Clare Wren, Stacy Haiduk, David Naughton.  A good performance by Davison, who was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar (for LONGTIME COMPANION) the same year he starred in this violent hybrid of the sci-fi and revenge genres.  After her rapists are acquitted, classical pianist Gaily (Wren) commits suicide.  Her scientist brother Albert (Davison) spends the next five years rebuilding his sister as a cyborg and sends her out to murder her rapists.  A parallel story involving cop Naughton and his artist girlfriend Haiduk’s investigation of the killings is less effective, though giving the redhaired Haiduk (SUPERBOY) more screen time is usually a welcome move.  It’s always interesting to see mediocre material made classier through expert acting, and both Davison and Wren deliver sensitive performances that make you sympathize with their plight.  The heavies are rather broadly drawn, perhaps the fault of Farino, a special effects man making his directorial debut.  Also with Nick Tate, Brian Backer, Hank Garrett, David L. Lander, Paul Lieber, Frank Pesce, and William Prince.

STEEL DAWN (1987)--Directed by Lance Hool.  Stars Patrick Swayze, Lisa Niemi, Anthony Zerbe, Brion James, Brett Hool.  An exploitative hybrid of SHANE and THE ROAD WARRIOR.  Post-apocalyptic drifter Swayze takes up with widow Niemi (Swayze's real-life wife) and her son Hool.  Evil land baron Zerbe, who wants Niemi's precious water supply, endangers them.  Swayze is believable in the many swordfights and action scenes, and Zerbe is an accomplished villain.  Filmed in Namibia.

STEEL FRONTIER (1995)--Directed by Jacobsen Hart & Paul G. Volk.  Stars Joe Lara, Bo Svenson, Brion James.  PM Entertainment staffers Hart and Volk are rewarded for their loyalty by earning directorial duties on this DTV action film, a combination of THE ROAD WARRIOR, SHANE and A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS.  Roaming the post-apocalyptic desert, gunfighter Yuma (Lara) comes across a desolate town populated by scared citizens under the thumb of despot Quantrill (James), whose goons ride around the desert raping, killing, terrorizing and pillaging innocent people for their boss' financial gain.  After blasting some of Quantrill's best guns, Yuma is recruited into the leader's army, where he proceeds to dismantle the evil reign from within.  Despite several stunts, chases and action scenes, STEEL FRONTIER is not among PM's best work, although it does receive points for an admirable performance by Svenson, as Quantrill's right-hand man, an actor who's not above walking through a part for cash, but who works especially hard here to develop a character with more than one dimension.  Also with Stacie Foster, Kane Hodder and both directors.

STEELE JUSTICE (1987)--Directed by Robert Boris.  Stars Martin Kove, Soon Tek-Oh, Robert Kim.  In 1975, Marine John Steele (Kove) and his buddy Lee (Kim) are gunned down and left for dead by a Vietnamese ally, General Kwan (Soon Tek-Oh), over $20 million in stolen CIA gold coins.  Both survive, and twelve years later, Steele, now a broken-down, soon-to-be-divorced ex-cop in Los Angeles, springs back into action when Lee and his family are murdered by members of the Vietnamese Mafia called the Black Tigers, led by none other than Kwan.  Kove, who was then supporting Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly on CAGNEY & LACEY and had just appeared as a soldier in RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, isn't much of a hero, spending much screen time being beaten up and tossed into jail.  He does at least have a terrific cast backing him up, including Ronny Cox, Bernie Casey, Joseph Campanella, Al Leong, Sarah Douglas, Shannon Tweed, Asher Brauner, Phil Fondacaro and Sela Ward as his wife.  Boris (OXFORD BLUES) seems uncomfortable in the action genre, helming with little pace or suspense.  Music by Misha Segal.

STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY’S BIRTHDAY PARTY (2004)—Directed by Robert Brinkmann.  Stars Stephen Tobolowsky.  Tobolowsky, a familiar character actor with dozens of stage, film and TV credits, including HEROES, DEADWOOD, GROUNDHOG DAY and SNEAKERS, gets top billing for once in this one-man show filmed before, during and after his 53rd birthday party.  The accomplished storyteller spends the entire film either talking to the camera or holding court before good friends, regaling his audience with amusing tales of his life in Hollywood and growing up in Texas.  Keep an eye out for starlets Mena Suvari (the wife of director Brinkmann) and Amy Adams (ENCHANTED), but this is Tobolowsky’s show all the way, and he isn’t sharing the limelight nor should he.  Whether he’s buying dope from a hairy dealer in Texas or getting chomped by mechanical piranha in the Mel Gibson dud BIRD ON A WIRE, Tobolowsky finds a way to make his experiences interesting and funny.

THE STEPMOTHER (1972)--Directed by Hikmet Avedis.  Stars Alejandro Rey, Katherine Justice, Larry Linville, John Anderson.  THE STEPMOTHER may not be the worst film ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, but it certainly must be the unlikeliest. The first film directed by trash specialist Avedis, who went on to do drive-in junk like SCORCHY (notable for Connie Stevens' nude scene), THE SPECIALIST and THE TEACHER, THE STEPMOTHER is a junky melodrama released by Crown International Pictures. Next to AIP and Roger Corman's New World, Crown International may have been the most prolific American producer of exploitation pictures during the 1970's, although its track record is not nearly as strong.

Somehow, THE STEPMOTHER managed to pull down an Oscar nod for Best Song: "Strange Are the Ways of Love" by the great Sammy Fain and Paul Francis Webster and sung in the film by someone credited only as "Manuel". Today's equivalent to THE STEPMOTHER being recognized at the Oscars would be, say, some knuckleheaded direct-to-video thriller starring Jeff Fahey. The Oscar went to "The Morning After" (!) from THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, but it must have been interesting to be at the ceremony that year, since it seems unlikely that anyone in attendance had even seen THE STEPMOTHER.

I guess it's ostensibly a crime drama; it isn't a mystery, since we know "whodunit" as early as the opening titles, and Avedis, who also wrote and produced, doesn't seem all that interested in the police investigation being conducted by Inspector Darnezi (stentorian Anderson). It isn't even a sex movie, even though the title and marketing would seem to indicate that it is. Despite the murder, infidelity and occasional nudity that dot the story, THE STEPMOTHER is pretty tame as both drama and exploitation.

Rey (THE FLYING NUN) stars as Frank Delgado, an architect who believes a business associate is sleeping with his wife Margo (red-haired Justice). Delgado murders him and buries him several miles away. Due to unfortunate circumstances, the body is discovered, and soon Darnezi is butting into the lives of the Delgados and Frank's partner Dick (Linville, M*A*S*H's Frank Burns). About an hour in, Delgado's teenage son Steve (Rudy Herrera, Jr.) is introduced, but he serves no real purpose except to be seduced by a stoned Margo.

If you're looking for titillation, you won't find it in THE STEPMOTHER, since the sex scenes are strictly PG-rated. There is some novelty value in Justice's nude scenes, since she was a very popular television actress for a couple of decades, and those familiar with her guest shots on shows like MANNIX and CANNON probably raised their eyebrows. Rey and Linville were also familiar TV faces, and Avedis even directs like a TV show, which maybe explains why THE STEPMOTHER is so colorless.  Claudia Jennings provides a quick full-frontal shot in one of her first films.

THE STEWARDESSES (1969)—Directed by Allan Silliphant. Stars Christina Hart, Michael Garrett, Paula Erikson, Angelique de Moline, Kathy Ferrick, William Condos. Considering return on investment, this 3D softcore flick is one of the most profitable movies ever made. Shot in nine days for under $40,000 and originally released by Sherpix in 1969, THE STEWARDESSES bounced around hardtops and drive-ins for more than a decade, sometimes with different scenes cut in. All scenes with Christina Hart and Michael Garrett, for instance, were created after the film had already been released and were added to the prints for nationwide release.

Since THE STEWARDESSES is little more than naked or partially naked women having sex with men, lamps, and each other, the real appeal of the film then and now is its 3D presentation. Silliphant and co-producer Chris Condon used a relatively simple and lightweight single-camera process that allowed them to film body parts jutting into the audience at little cost.

As flimsy as THE STEWARDESSES is, it was enormously influential, inspiring a decade of R- and X-rated sex comedies—some filmed in 3D—about not just stewardesses, but also teachers, models, cheerleaders, and nurses. Watching it, it’s hard to believe this plotless mélange of boobs, buttocks, and boring chat could inspire anything. One stew takes acid and makes out with a lamp. The new girl pays a booty call on a swinging pilot. Samantha (Hart) seduces an advertising exec (Garrett) in hopes he can get her an acting career. Silliphant claims there was no finished script, and I believe it.

Nevertheless, THE STEWARDESSES made a lot of money, mostly paid by men who wanted to see topless women brushing their hair in 3D. In October 1971, after a year in release, it was #1 at the box office, just ahead of major studio films SUMMER OF ’42, SEE NO EVIL, and KOTCH. Considering it’s less energetic than a Bethel Buckalew joint and less bawdy than a Russ Meyer, the 3D gimmick must have been the key.

More interesting than THE STEWARDESSES is Shout Factory’s 2-disc DVD, which offers the intriguing history of the film and the 3D process on its featurettes. I had no idea, for instance, that filmmakers had been experimenting with 3D since the 1930s, and some of the clips revealed are pretty amazing. Silliphant and Condon still hold THE STEWARDESSES in high regard, but actress Hart thinks it’s “appallingly bad.” I think her opinion is more reality-based, but there’s no denying THE STEWARDESSES is a classic of its type.

STICK (1985)--Directed by Burt Reynolds.  Stars Burt Reynolds, Candice Bergen, George Segal, Charles Durning, Dar Robinson.  Film adaptation of Elmore Leonard's potboiler begins promisingly, but soon teeters into self-parody.  Ex-con Reynolds returns to Miami after seven years in prison, but returns to his violent ways when his pal is murdered by druglord Durning.  Burt tries hard to make an old-fashioned film noir (even acting without his toupee), but some of the performances are too tongue-in-cheek, and it's difficult to take Durning seriously as a villain with his ridiculous orange-colored wig.  Stuntman Robinson makes a strong presence as an albino assassin.