The latest release from the Dimension Films scare factory is THEY, which is billed as "A Wes Craven Presentation", even though Craven's name appears nowhere else in the credits, not even as executive producer, a nebulous credit routinely bestowed upon everyone from agents to stars' relatives.  The irony is that THEY is actually much better than the other films Craven has "presented", making it a mystery why his, um, participation in this one is less notable.  It has a terrific premise, a properly chilling opening, and a couple of fine performances, yet suffers from "PG-13-itis", a chicken-hearted reticence to develop its genre trappings far enough to offer titillation instead of tease and the visceral satisfaction the material requires.

Writer Brendan William Hood's concept is a strong one:  what if the spooky things that scared you as a child, like monsters under the bed or in the closet, were actually real, and after you grew up, they came back to drag you away?  In the effective pre-credits opening, we see such a thing happen to little Billy, whose cries to Mommy for help go unheeded as the lad is dragged, jammies and all, under the bed screaming.  Nineteen years later, Billy (now played by BOSTON PUBLIC's Jon Abrahams) is back, but an emotional wreck, constantly calling upon his childhood friend Julia Lund (Laura Regan) for late-night soul searching and paranoia-soothing pep talks.  Their common ground is the "night terrors" both suffered as children and which have led Julia to pursue her Master's degree in psychology.

With her thesis presentation on the way and her city being tormented by tumultuous thunderstorms and power outages, Julia's life is thrown into further disarray when Billy, ranting about monsters from the dark and a mysterious wound on his hand, commits suicide in front of her.  At the funeral, she meets two of Billy's friends, arty couple Sam (Ethan Embry) and Terry (Dagmara Dominczyk), who also suffered from night terrors as children and believe the same spook-show denizens that drove Billy to kill himself are stalking them.  It's a story too outlandish for Julia to believe, that is until the same wound that manifested on Billy appears on her as well.

Director Robert Harmon, whose creepshow credits include THE HITCHER, knows the mechanics of horror movie-making and that the terrors that are merely suggested can be much worse than those we can see.  The "they" are never seen clearly, just glimpses of dark, indistinct bat-like creatures that move quickly and kill even faster.  Like SEVEN, the world Julia inhabits seems drenched in night and continuous rainfall, and the sense of isolation is heightened by the film's shortage of extraneous characters.  However, THEY is unwilling to go far enough to satisfy the requirements of a good horror film.  The body count is much too low, and when a character does meet his or her end, it's done in quick flashes and demure cutaways.  How can we as an audience be frightened of these night terrors if we don't know what happens to their victims?  Is it a painful death?  Are they chopped up and eaten?  Are they sentenced to an eternity of watching the trailer for THE HOT CHICK?  As far as we know, they're just dragged away into limbo.  Dimension's hunt for the Almighty PG-13 becomes especially distracting in scenes involving female nudity.  Every fifteen minutes, Harmon teases us with a shower scene or bedroom scene that I suppose is supposed to tantalize the audience, but merely becomes annoying in its acrobatic attempt to avoid nudity (one woman even showers in her swimsuit, for crying out loud).  A scene in which a bra-and-panties-clad Julia asks her boyfriend Paul (Marc Blucas) to check her body for sores becomes hilariously absurd when she asks if he has checked every inch of her, since it's obvious that he hasn't looked everywhere.

Regan does an effective job making us care about her character.  A gamine combination of Ellen Greene and Mia Farrow, she projects great vulnerability, and even though Hood and Harmon force her character to act foolishly near the end to create false suspense, Regan's determined spunk keeps us in her corner, right up to the surprisingly bleak and ambiguous final image.  It's too bad the rest of THEY isn't as focused, since the promise shown in its opening and closing is squandered by the filmmakers' restraint.

THEY CALL HER ONE EYE--See THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE.

THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN (1989)—Directed by Patrick G. Donahue. Stars Debra Sweaney, Brian Oldfield, Sean Donahue. You see a campy title like this, and you know it must be a Troma pickup. Its alternate title, SAVAGE INSTINCT, probably makes it appear it's more serious than it actually is. It’s director Donahue’s follow-up to his amazing KILL SQUAD. The acting is about on the same level as a porn film, and star Sweaney was obviously the wife or girlfriend of someone on the payroll. This film is virtually all action, and the simple plot pits widow Susan (Sweaney) against a gang of cocaine smugglers led by big, bald Mongo, who’s convincingly played by colorful Olympic shotputter Oldfield. She witnesses their operation, and the chase is on. Kim Bauer has better luck than this chick, as every guy she appeals to for help is also a killer or a rapist. Movie is a huge letdown after KILL SQUAD and less hilarious than Donahue’s later PAROLE VIOLATORS. You expect logic and sense to go out the window with these things, but MACHO WOMAN is even dumber than you expect. Filmed in Santa Clara County, California. The director’s son Sean plays Mongo’s henchman Turk wearing a ridiculously huge nose chain.

THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS (1972)--Directed by James Goldstone. Stars James Garner, Katharine Ross. Two years before THE ROCKFORD FILES debuted, Garner played easy-going Abel Marsh, police chief of sleepy, coastal Eden Landing, California. Abel returns from a week's vacation to discover a local woman, Jenny Campbell, was found dead on the beach near her house. Her pet Doberman is initially blamed for her death, but Abel discovers she actually was drowned in her own bathtub. As Abel continues his investigation, sordid details of Jenny's life are exposed: she left her husband for another woman; she liked to take pornographic photographs; she was pregnant and unmarried at the time of her death. While piecing together the clues, Abel becomes involved with a pretty young veterinarian (Ross), whom Abel learns may also be involved in Mrs. Campbell's death.

Although filmed for theatrical release, THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS has an intimate, small-screen feel that actually works in its favor. Director Goldstone and writer Lane Slate--both television vets--do a nice job establishing Eden Landing's homey setting--the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else in town and the informal police force borrows the official car to take their wives to the dentist. The mystery unfolds in classic fashion, and, although it seems the murderer's identity pops out of nowhere, the script plays fair and sprinkles the right clues if the audience knows where to look for them. Garner is good in a role not far removed from his Rockford persona (although I thought Marsh was a little too mean-spirited at times), and MGM compiled a marvelous cast of supporting actors: Hal Holbrook, June Allyson, Harry Guardino, Ann Rutherford, Tom Ewell, Arthur O'Connell, Edmond O'Brien. Also with Christopher Connelly, Peter Lawford, Art Metrano, Jason Wingreen and Royce Applegate. Perry Botkin, Jr.'s acoustic guitar-and-piano score is excellent. This was the last feature to be shot on MGM's historic backlot. Garner and Ross starred together in MISTER BUDDWING. Slate later worked on THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THEY WERE SO YOUNG (1954)—Directed by Kurt Neumann.  Stars Scott Brady, Raymond Burr, Johanna Matz.  European models answering an ad are brought to Rio de Janeiro, ostensibly to work for an agency, which actually holds the girls prisoner and rents them as sex slaves.  German Eve (Matz) manages to escape, but when the police refuse to believe her story, she ends up on the sleeve of American mining engineer Dick Lanning (Brady).  He buys her tale and takes her to hide out with his friend, the very wealthy Brazilian businessman Jaime Coltos (Burr, not bothering with an accent).  However, when Lanning exposes Coltos as a liar, it seems as though Eve may actually be in worse danger than before.  Neumann (THE FLY) does a good job moving this West German co-production right along.  It doesn’t get bogged down in sleaze, but provides just enough sordid information to let you know just how much danger Eve is in.  Brady and Burr provide strong performances; given the film runs only 77 minutes, the stars aren’t given a lot of time for backstory, but manage to quickly and cleanly provide the audience of just enough history to establish the stakes.  Also with Ingrid Stenn, Kurt Meisel, Gisela Fackeldey and Gert Frobe (GOLDFINGER).

THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE (1984)—Directed by Howard Avedis.  Stars Sybil Danning, Eric Brown, Andrew Prine.  It’s hard to say that the director of THE TEACHER and THE FIFTH FLOOR was ahead of his time, but he might have been in this case.  THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE, which New World released theatrically, plays very much like the sort of erotic thriller that played pay cable ad nauseum after the meteoric success of BASIC INSTINCT in 1992.  It’s half soft porn, half slasher flick and 100% lame.

College student Jay (Brown, basically doing the same shtick he did in PRIVATE LESSONS) is seduced by his super-stacked literature professor Diane (Danning, playing a Ph.D. who teaches MACBETH) into pranking her mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law.  She and her husband Michael (Prine) convince Jay to scare the old biddies into leaving their mansion so they can be committed to an old folk’s home and Michael can control the estate.  The dumb plan goes wrong, and the old women are murdered by a masked assailant.  We know it isn’t Jay, so it must be either Diane or Michael, who have motive.  Or I suppose it could be the alcoholic maid or the creepy gardener.  Oh, hell, maybe Jay’s hot stalker ex-girlfriend or his fat friend who likes mustard on his pizza.

You’ll figure out who the killer is long before the end, not that any of it is plausible.  Despite the number of dead bodies, no one ever calls the cops, and the number of plot contrivances in Avedis and wife Marlene Schmidt’s screenplay is quite staggering.  On the other hand, Sybil pops her top in several shower and sex scenes, ensuring that once you’ve seen this film, you’ll not likely forget it.  She has a staggering body, which is really the only reason you should ever want to tackle this tame thriller.  Also with Paul Clemens, Dominic Brascia, Beth Shaffel, Suzanne Kennedy, Gene Bicknell, K.T. Stevens and Alvy Moore (GREEN ACRES).  Music by Paul Cacavas.

THIEF (1981)--Directed by Michael Mann. Stars James Caan, Tuesday Weld, Jim Belushi, Willie Nelson, Robert Prosky. Caan is very good as an independent-minded jewel thief trying to remain his own boss, despite the influence of mob boss Prosky. Despite the protests from wife Weld, Caan decides to tackle one more job for Prosky before retiring for good and going straight. Country singer Nelson has a warm presence as Caan's prison mentor; Belushi is credible in a dramatic role as Caan's partner on the outside. Mann (in his feature debut) delivers some stirring visuals, and Tangerine Dream's interesting electronic score adds a bit of tension. After this, Caan entered a self-imposed retirement that lasted until 1987's GARDENS OF STONE.

A THIEF IN THE NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Donald W. Thompson.  Stars Patty Dunning, Colleen Niday, Mike Niday, Maryann Rachford, Thom Rachford, Russell S. Doughten Jr.  One of the most widely seen films ever made has probably never been shown in a movie theater, at least not under the circumstances of a regular release.  The first in a series of four independently produced thrillers made by the Iowa-based Mark IV Pictures, A THIEF IN THE NIGHT, according to director Thompson, has been seen by 100 million people, including those who have seen it more than once.  Even if the true figure is half of that (and it probably is at least that), it’s a remarkable feat for a picture that screened, mostly in 16mm prints, in church basements and revival tents for decades.

Thompson and executive producer Doughten’s point was, I suppose, to scare the beejeezus out of church-goers who had not yet committed themselves to Christianity.  A young woman named Patty (Dunning) prefers having fun with her new boyfriend Jim (Mike Niday) to attending church services with her friend Jenny (Colleen Niday), who has just discovered Jesus.  Jim, too, becomes Born Again after a brush with death inflicted by a cobra bite!  One morning, Patty awakens to a newscast announcing that millions of the world’s population has vanished into thin air.  Rushing into the bathroom, Patty finds Jim’s electric razor lying in the sink…he’s gone too.

It appears as though The Rapture has occurred.  Jesus has returned to take all the Christians to heaven, and the rest of the population suffers under a new one-world government improbably quickly formed by the United Nations.  In order to survive under the new regime, or even just to buy food and clothes, one must wear the Mark (of the Beast), which is permanently stamped on the back of the hand or the forehead.  Patty refuses, and becomes the target of a government hit team that chases her in a van and a helicopter.

It’s hard to believe this crude Evangelical picture could frighten anyone, but anecdotal evidence indicates that it has.  Perhaps the amateurish performances (by local actors) worked to its advantage, reminding audiences of themselves.  At only 68 minutes, one can hardly quibble with the pacing, and the location shooting and production values, particularly during the chase sequence in the final reel, inject some excitement into the film.  Larry Norman’s song, “I Wish We’d All Been Ready,” which appears during the opening titles and again, memorably, at the end, became something of a Christian rock anthem based on its use here.

Six years later, Thompson, Doughten and some of the cast members, particularly Dunning, returned for the Revelation-themed sequel, A DISTANT THUNDER.  It was followed by IMAGE OF THE BEST and, finally, 1983’s THE PRODIGAL PLANET, where themes and characters developed in A THIEF IN THE NIGHT were carried through to a catastrophic conclusion.  Mark IV Pictures is long gone, but its films are now available through RD Films, which is operated in Des Moines by Doughten.

THE THIN RED LINE (1998)--Directed by Terrence Malick. Stars Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, Adrien Brody, Ben Chaplin. Malick is one of Hollywood's most legendary figures. After writing and directing two critically acclaimed films in the '70s (BADLANDS in 1973 and DAYS OF HEAVEN in '78), Malick turned his back on filmmaking, and dropped out of sight. Just about every male star in Hollywood campaigned for a role in this remake of James Jones's World War II novel (which was made into a movie starring Cornel Wilde in 1964)--some of them even agreeing to audition.

The result of one of filmdom's most eagerly anticipated films is this pretentious, slowly paced and well-photographed drama following a group of soldiers and its travails at Guadalcanal. The battle scene that makes up the middle third is exciting and thought-provoking, but it's bookended by a series of ponderous flashbacks, stream-of-consciousness ramblings and nature photography that makes me wonder if Malick himself had any idea what he wanted to accomplish. To tie all of this footage together, he has his actors recite boring narration about the meaning of life and war and the futility of it all and other existential babblings. Penn as a cynical sergeant and Nolte as a career-oriented colonel give the film's best performances; unfortunately the rest of the cast is mostly made up of bland young faces who are so indistinguishable that it's hard to keep track of who's on screen and stars (like George Clooney, John Travolta and Woody Harrelson) who pop up in distracting cameos (although to give Malick his due, he may have been forced by the studio to use familiar names in order to secure financing). Music by Hans Zimmer. Cinematography by Oscar-winner John Toll (BRAVEHEART).

THE THING (1982)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, Richard Masur, Richard Dysart. This gory remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD was released two weeks after E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, and was a box-office flop. It's now considered to be one of Carpenter's best films. A group of men at an Antarctic research station is stalked AND THEN THERE WERE NONE-style by a creature from outer space that has the chameleonic ability to assume the guise of anyone it comes into contact with. The paranoia and mistrust build as each of the men begins to suspect the others of being monsters. Russell, in his third teaming with Carpenter (after ELVIS and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK), is comfortable as anti-heroic chopper pilot MacReady, who is forced into a leadership role that he doesn't want. Carpenter's taut direction, Dean Cundey's moody widescreen photography, Ennio Morricone's creepy score and Rob Bottin's frequently nauseous creature effects combine for a very freaky fright experience. Bottin, who was just 22 at the time, created some of the most imaginative monsters ever put on the screen (the spider-head is my favorite), and may cause even the most fervent gorehound to look away. The fine cast of character actors--including Keith David, David Clennon, Charles Hallahan, Donald Moffat and T.K. Carter--are terrific. Partially filmed on location in Alaska and British Columbia. The nihilistic ending was unusual for a summer studio blockbuster.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)--Directed by Lee Frost. Stars Ray Milland, Rosey Grier, Don Marshall, Roger Perry. This inept and wacky two-headed thriller should not be confused with the previous years INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT. Milland (a long way from THE LOST WEEKEND) plays Dr. Kirshner, a bitter, bigoted, crippled transplant surgeon who plans to beat his terminal cancer by relocating his head onto the shoulders of a death row inmate. Unfortunately for Milland, at the last moment Kirshner's physician Desmond (Perry) is forced to use the body of a black man--hulking convicted murderer Jack Moss (Grier), who maintains his innocence. As you might expect, Jack is taken a bit aback when he awakens to find an extra head on his neck (and a mean, crabby, racist one to boot), so, taking young black doctor Williams (Marshall) as a hostage, he escapes, leading the police on a Blues Brothers-style chase filled with car stunts and crashes.

As absurd as it is, THE THING WITH TWO HEADS manages to remain respectable by playing its nutty plot tongue-in-cheek. The comedy isn't funny, but the fact that director Frost (CHAIN GANG WOMEN) and his co-writers, producer Wes Bishop (DIXIE DYNAMITE) and James Gordon White (THE GLORY STOMPERS), recognize the silliness of their story keeps it from sliding into an unwatchable mess. Ed Forsyth's editing is haphazard--the lengthy car chase sequence appears to have been assembled at random with cars just smashing into each other or into ditches without rhyme or reason. It's one of the longest chase sequences I've ever seen, and it contains enough smash-and-crash mayhem to keep you awake.

The dialogue is appropriately nutty, but is given more weight by the competent thesping of Milland and Grier, who must be having a dandy time. Perry plays the same straight-arrow type he did so well in the COUNT YORGA movies, while Marshall, just off his LAND OF THE GIANTS gig, works as well as he can, considering most of his lines are opposite an actor with another actor's head (and a neck brace) on his shoulder. Also with LAUGH-IN lovely Chelsea Brown as Rosey's girlfriend who asks, "Do you have two of anything else?", Kathy Baumann (CHROME AND HOT LEATHER), Roger Gentry, cameos by Frost and Bishop, Oscar-winning makeup artist Rick Baker as a two-headed gorilla, newsman Dick Whittington, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL producer Albert Zugsmith, and an unbilled cameo by William Smith. In addition to Robert O. Ragland's score, the music includes a song by Jerry Butler and a ridiculous Mike Curb Congregation piece performed by Grier, Brown and Marshall under the end credits.

THIRST (1979)--Directed by Rod Hardy. Stars Chantal Contouri, David Hemmings, Henry Silva. This arty, well-directed Australian vampire flick doesn't always make sense, but it certainly delivers in the chills department. The Brotherhood, an aristocratic group of blood drinkers that uses brainwashing to induce Chantal to join their organization, abducts pretty Frenchwoman Contouri, a descendant of Countess Elizabeth Bathory who bathed in the blood of hundreds of virgins to maintain her youth. They reside on a remote dairy farm where they harvest the blood of kidnap victims and ship it to Brotherhood members around the world in milk cartons. The word vampire is rarely spoken in this frequently scary flick with some imaginative dream sequences. Hemmings delivers an interesting performance as Brotherhood leader Eric, who appears sympathetic to Contouri. Much of this resembles the British TV series THE PRISONER. Silva has a very cool electrocution death scene. Music by Brian May (THE ROAD WARRIOR). Hardy's background was mainly in Australian TV; he helmed some episodes of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE remake, which was lensed Down Under, and more recently has worked on THE X-FILES.

THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN (1978)--Directed by Chia-Liang Liu.  Stars Gordon Liu, Lo Lieh.  Now here's a guy dedicated to revenge.  Young San Te (Liu) joins a Shaolin temple and rigorously studies martial arts for years until he's good enough to layeth down the smack on the soldiers who wiped out his family.  There are 35 chambers through which San Te must pass on the path to excellence, including trials of speed, stamina and weapons training.  Eventually he survives all 35 chambers, recruits an army of kung fu masters, and wipes out his enemies.  SHAOLIN is surprisingly low on action, which I reluctantly admit that I found disappointing.  However, it's also well-written and sumptuously produced, and Gordon Liu (later to appear in Quentin Tarantino's KILL BILL) is an affecting leading man.

THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED (2006)—Directed by Kirby Dick.  Dick’s cheeky look behind the curtain that obscures the Motion Picture Association of America’s mysterious ratings system caused quite a stir in its frequent festival screenings.  So much so that the MPAA announced afterward that it was considering a change in its rules and guidelines, although it refused to acknowledge that Dick’s film had anything to do with its decision.

THIS FILM looks into the MPAA’s long-rumored prejudice against independent films and scenes portraying sexuality, wondering why major Hollywood studio films appear to receive more lenient ratings and why it seems okay to show hundreds of people being slaughtered with machine guns, but not okay to picture two adults making love—particularly if they’re of the same gender.  Hypocrisy and Puritanism appear to be guiding the MPAA’s ratings board, as well as an out-of-touch conservatism that slapped an NC-17 on an early cut of TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE because of a graphic sex scene between a pair of puppets.

Helping Dick in his investigation is a lesbian private eye who helps him uncover the names of the MPAA’s ratings board, which are absolutely secret, not just from the public, but from the filmmakers themselves whose careers may lie in their hands.  Among the revelations is the fact that, although the MPAA publicly states that their ratings board consists solely of parents with school-age children, many of their offspring are adults, and at least one has no children at all.  In addition, when Dick submitted THIS FILM for a rating (it received an NC-17, unsurprisingly), he learns from an MPAA lawyer that the group had made a copy of his movie, which is not only a crime, it’s specifically singled out on the MPAA’s Web site as a very serious threat to the entertainment industry.

Although the film couldn’t have been made without the private investigator’s help, Dick’s film falters in the scenes showing her at work.  They have little to do with the movie’s mission statement and take screen time away from the juicy stuff.  Dick also interviews several moviemakers whose work has been, often unfairly, the target of MPAA censorship, including Kevin Smith (CLERKS), John Waters (A DIRTY SHAME), Matt Stone (SOUTH PARK), Kimberly Peirce (BOYS DON’T CRY) and Wayne Kramer and Maria Bello (THE COOLER).  It’s a shame Dick didn’t get directors of a more prominent nature to speak out, but perhaps they were afraid, as a central point of THIS FILM is the MPAA’s sense of royalty.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984)--Directed by Rob Reiner. Stars Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest, Rob Reiner. Reiner's first film as a director was this brilliant parody of "rockumentaries" about a fictional British heavy metal band. Spinal Tap has come to America to promote its new album, and director Marty DiBergi (Reiner) follows them on their trail of absurd press conferences and mostly empty concert halls. Reiner does a pretty good spoof of LAST WALTZ director Martin Scorsese, and McKean, Shearer and Guest are perfect as the over-the-hill rockers. Much of the dialogue was reportedly improvised. Cameos by Paul Shaffer, Patrick Macnee and Fran Drescher. One of the best comedies of the 1980s.

THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1968)--Directed by Norman Jewison. Stars Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway. Exciting caper film about wealthy and suave Boston thief Thomas Crown (McQueen), who was the mastermind behind a bold bank robbery. When insurance investigator Dunaway is called into the case, she begins an affair with McQueen while looking for a means to put him behind bars. Film's highlight is undoubtedly the classic chess scene and the dizzying kiss between McQueen and Dunaway. Jewison carries out the robbery in fine fashion as well. Paul Burke, Yaphet Kotto, Jack Weston and Biff McGuire play the members of McQueen's gang. The role of dapper Crown was a real change-of-pace for the rugged McQueen; Jewison was reportedly turned down by a number of actors before offering the part to McQueen, who openly campaigned for the movie because he thought playing Crown would be a challenge.

THREE CAME TO KILL (1960)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Cameron Mitchell, John Lupton, Steve Brodie, Lyn Thomas. Our Man Cam is relatively restrained as a slang-slinging hitman in this tight little crime drama. Mitchell is professional assassin Marty Brill, who's been hired to plug the Prime Minister of a Middle Eastern country as he arrives at Los Angeles International Airport for his flight home. To accomplish his job, Brill, along with sidekick Dave (Brodie), crashes the nearby home of air traffic controller Hal Parker (Lupton) and his family. The Parkers' living room offers a perfect view of the runway, and Brill plans to use a long-range rifle to puncture the plane's gas tank, exploding it and killing everyone on board, including the Prime Minister. Much of the movie plays out PETRIFIED FOREST-style, as the Parkers, including Hal's wife June (Thomas), her sister Betty and Betty's surfer boyfriend, try to outthink their captors and the cops search valiantly for Brill.

Obviously filmed quickly and frugally, THREE works quite well, thanks to its assured direction, taut pace and fine performances by its cast, especially Mitchell. The script by Orville H. Hampton (THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE) and producer Robert E. Kent (as James B. Gordon) does a nice job establishing the premise and setting, while also mixing in some choice dialogue (Brill is fond of calling people "kooks") and even some character development, much of it involving Hal Parker, who, we find out, has been in this type of life-or-death situation before. The brash score by Paul Sawtell and Bert Shefter adds a dose of suspense. Also with Logan Field, Jan Arvan (the "third" who "came to kill"), Paul Langton, King Calder, Ron Foster and the lovely Jean Ingram as Betty. Mitchell and Brodie worked again together 21 years later in Jerry Warren's awful FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND. Distributed by United Artists, but produced by tiny Premium Pictures, which made several other Cahn/Kent pictures, such as NOOSE FOR A GUNMAN and INSIDE THE MAFIA. Lupton earlier starred in the BROKEN ARROW TV series.

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1975)--Directed by Sydney Pollack. Stars Robert Redford, Faye Dunaway, Cliff Robertson, Max von Sydow, John Houseman. Engrossing suspenser starring Redford as an innocuous CIA researcher--he reads spy novels to make sure no classified information is accidentally revealed by the authors--who finds himself on the run when his office is the target of vicious assassins. Not knowing who he can trust, Redford kidnaps innocent photographer Dunaway, and uses her for help. Features a taut screenplay by David Rayfiel, paranoid direction by Pollack, and a truly menacing performance by von Sydow as a government hit man. Robertson is properly slimy as Redford's CIA superior. From the director of THE FIRM.

THREE DAYS TO A KILL (1991)--Directed by Fred Williamson. Stars Fred Williamson, Bo Svenson, Henry Silva. Creaky straight-to-video action flick (also produced and co-written by the Hammer) teams cop Williamson and ex-con Svenson to rescue a VIP kidnapped by South American druglord Silva. The oddball cast also includes Van Johnson, Chuck Connors, Sonny Landham and Chicago DJ Tom Joyner. Edited by Doug Bryan.

3 DEV ADAM (1973)--Directed by T. Fikret Ucak.  Sam Raimi, eat your heart out.  Here's the strangest Spider-Man movie any of us are likely to see.  It's a colorful Turkish superhero film that pits an evil murdering Spider-Man against the combined good forces of Captain America and El Santo.  Obviously, the Turk filmmakers never bothered with clearing these copyrighted characters, and it's not likely the rights holders, including Marvel Comics, knew about 3 DEV ADAM anyway, as it was never shown in the United States.  The print I watched is in Turkish without English subtitles, so hell if I know what it's about.  Spider-Man, whose costume is green and who has bushy eyebrows that protrude from the eyeholes in his mask, kills a lot of people, including a nude woman showering and another woman whom he buries in the sand up to her neck and slices her with an outboard motor.  Captain America (whose costume isn't bad, even though his tunic has a hood) and Santo try to stop his evil scheme.  The climactic chase and fight finds the heroes battling a whole slew of Spider-Men; as soon as they defeat one, another jumps up laughing.  Whether they are clones or evil twins, I have no idea.  3 DEV ADAM is silly, ridiculous and kinda fun if you're in the right mood.  And if you fast-forward through the Turkish dialogue.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN (1967)--Directed by Gianfranco Parolini (as "Frank Kramer").  Stars Tony Kendall, Brad Harris, Nick Jordan, Jochen Brockmann, Carlo Tamberlani.  Leave it to the Italians (actually a West German/Italian co-production) to concoct one of the world's loopiest super-hero movies, a silly, action-packed joyride filled with enough stunts and humor to brighten the smile of even the most jaded reader of today's grim comic-book fare.  Accompanied by a zany circus-like musical score by Ruggero Cini and Jimmy Fontana and a nifty array of gadgets and hidden trampolines, SUPERMEN stacks up quite nicely against the few European adventures of the era I've had the pleasure to see.

At the beginning, there are just two "supermen", Sir Anthony (Kendall) and mute Nick (Jordan), acrobats in bulletproof tights, capes and masks who make their living as high-class thieves, even burgling the Pentagon (!) in one gutsy caper.  After each job, they return to their swanky pad to dance the night away with a bevy of beautiful young women who are training to follow in the supermen's footsteps.  Tony and Nick are recruited by FBI agent Brad McCallum (Harris) to steal a cache of counterfeit money, which leads to a much bigger mission when Professor Stewart (Tamberlani), the scientist who invented the supermen's super-togs, is kidnapped along with his niece by his former partner Golem (Brockmann), who has stolen the plans to Stewart's "universal duplicator" and is using it to make perfect copies of gold bars, making him the world's richest man.  Teaming up with his unlikely acrobatic allies, Brad is given a red super-suit of his own, and together the three heroes pursue Golem and his goons to a private island.

In addition to their invulnerable threads, the heroes rely on a few more innovations, such as their steel bolos, mastery of martial arts, suction-cup boots that let them walk up walls, and a gadget-riddled convertible that drives by remote control, among other attributes.  The stars appear to be having a great time--and why shouldn't they be?  When they aren't bouncing around beating up the baddies, they're tossing off glib one-liners and kissing a lot of gorgeous women.  Kendall was also starring at the time in a series of European spy pictures as agent Kommissar X, so he was presumably well cast as a suave action hero, but Jordan appears to be a real acrobat, much like THE CRIMSON PIRATE's Nick Cravat, who was hired on the basis of his physical skills as opposed to his thespic ability.  Harris was an American-born actor who achieved fame in a series of Italian-made "sword & sandal" adventures in the early 1960's and appeared in some of Kendall's KOMMISSAR X movies.  All three stars have nice chemistry together, and their smiley-faced attitude goes a long way toward lending SUPERMEN its good cheer.  Of course, if the sight of three grown men in capes and red tights bouncing on hidden trampolines doesn't make you happy, there's little hope for you.

Also known as I FANTASTICI TRE SUPERMEN and THE FANTASTIC THREE, SUPERMEN was followed by at least two sequels, THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE and THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT.  As best as I can tell, Superargo, Argoman, Diabolik and Goldface were the names of other comic-book-styled heroes appearing in European movies at the time that may or may not have influenced or been influenced by SUPERMEN.  Also with Sabine Sun, Bettina Busch (as Bettina), Giuseppe Mattei and Gloria Paul.  From the director of ADIOS, SABATA.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE (1968)--See THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT (1974)--Directed by Bitto Albertini.  Robert Malcolm, Sal Borgese, Antonio Cantafora, Lo Lieh, Shih Szu.  There's more kung fu than superhero hijinks in this Italian/Hong Kong sequel to 1967's THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN.  The bulletproof red tights don't even show up until about an hour in and aren't used in combat until the climax.  Why one would make a Fantastic Supermen movie and fail to put fantastic supermen in it is beyond me.  As in THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE, ORIENT opens with FBI agent Bob Wallace's (Malcolm) wedding being interrupted by his boss, who sends him to the Orient to track down six missing operatives.  After a brief stopover in Bangkok, Bob meets up with his thief acquaintances Max (Cantafora) and mute Jerry (Borgese) in Hong Kong and encourages them to help out.  The title is really a misnomer, since the three also team up with Chinese kung fu expert Tang (Lieh) and a cute female (Szu).  The final battle is a lot of fun, as Lieh steals the picture from his Occidental co-stars, but ORIENT's mixture of action and low comedy peters out pretty early.  The cast doesn't seem as involved or happy as in previous entries, and ORIENT is recommended for Italian superhero completists only.

3:15 (1985)--Directed by Larry Gross.  Stars Adam Baldwin, Deborah Foreman, Danny de la Paz.  48 HRS. scripter Gross directed this routine thriller about high-school gang life.  Basketball star Jeff Hannah (Baldwin) walked away from the Cobras a year earlier after he refused to kill a boy he was rumbling with.  Cobra leader Cinco (de la Paz) has never forgiven him for his betrayal, and now, after Jeff refuses to protect Cinco from a drug bust, vows to murder his former friend.  Jeff's "time to die" is set for 3:15pm, just after school.  With nobody willing to back him up (yes, much like Gary Cooper in HIGH NOON) except his sweet girlfriend Sherry (Foreman), Jeff prepares to walk into a hornets' nest that not even the cops are willing to disinfect.  3:15 (also known as 3:15--THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, but not on the print itself) was released around the same time as THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, TUFF TURF, THE CLASS OF 1984 and several other "punks-running-wild" high-school movies, but has little to differentiate it from the others.  Baldwin is a steady enough lead, but de la Paz' character suffers from weak writing and sketchy motivations.  Foreman (VALLEY GIRL) could, of course, play cute suburban teens in her sleep by this time.  Also with Rene Auberjonois, Ed Lauter, Wayne Crawford, Mario Van Peebles and an unbilled Wings Hauser as Foreman's father.  Keep an eye peeled for Gina Gershon as a Cobrette, INDEPENDENCE DAY producer Dean Devlin, TV NATION correspondent Rusty Cundieff and punker John Doe.  Music by Gary Chang.

THREE FUGITIVES (1989)--Directed by Francis Veber. Stars Nick Nolte, Martin Short, Sarah Rowland Doroff. An American remake of a French comedy by the same director. Nolte plays a criminal who is released from prison, and goes straight to the bank to deposit his savings. He is taken hostage by an inept bank robber (Short), but the cops think Nolte is the bandit, and he is forced into hiding out with Short and his little daughter Doroff. The first half of the film features some effective slapstick, but the storyline becomes a bit maudlin during the second half. Nolte and Short--two actors who couldn't be more dissimilar--work very well together. Also with James Earl Jones, Alan Ruck and Kenneth McMillan.

THREE KINDS OF HEAT (1987)--Directed by Leslie Stevens. Stars Robert Ginty, Victoria Barrett, Shakti. Ginty teams up with two gorgeous kung-fu-kicking babes to battle the Asian mob in London. Stevens created and produced the original OUTER LIMITS series, and once made a film starring William Shatner entirely in Esperanto!

THREE MEN AND A BABY (1987)--Directed by Leonard Nimoy. Stars Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg. Cute and slightly amusing comedy was a major box-office smash, and led to a sequel (THREE MEN AND A LITTLE LADY). Three bachelors live together in a spacious New York City apartment. They are forced into instant fatherhood when an infant is left on their doorstep. The actors are cute in their scenes with the baby, but the plot is interrupted by a stupid and unnecessary subplot involving drug smugglers. Also with Nancy Travis, Philip Bosco and Margaret Colin. From the director of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1993)--Directed by Stephen Herek. Stars Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Chris O'Donnell, Rebecca DeMornay. Very bad Brat Pack version of Alexandre Dumas' familiar story starring a bunch of pretty boys who look entirely unconvincing in period garb. The actors seem to be enjoying hamming it up, but we've seen this all (and done much better) before. O'Donnell is bland at best as D'Artagnan. Also with Oliver Platt, Tim Curry, Michael Wincott, Julie Delpy and Gabrielle Anwar. Filmed in Austria. Music by Michael Kamen. Screenplay by David Loughery (STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER).

THREE O'CLOCK HIGH (1987)--Directed by Phil Joanou. Stars Casey Siemaszko, Richard Tyson, Anne Ryan. Wimpy teenager Siemaszko makes the mistake of upsetting tough bully Tyson, who challenges Casey to fisticuffs after school. He spends the rest of the school day preparing and dreading the final bell. Slightly amusing comedy is given a charge by Spielberg protege Joanou's clever camera tricks. Screenwriters Richard Christian Matheson and Thomas Szollosi worked on Fred Dryer's HUNTER TV series. Also with Jeffrey Tambor, John P. Ryan and Philip Baker Hall. From the director of FINAL ANALYSIS.

THREE ON A MEATHOOK (1972)—Directed by William Girdler.  Stars Charles Kissinger, James Pickett, Sherry Steiner.  A solid opening, a bizarre twist ending, and some hilariously bad acting punctuate this amateurish gore movie, the second written and directed by Louisville, Kentucky’s own Girdler, who somehow went on to make several Hollywood exploitation movies before his untimely death in 1978.  It owes a lot to PSYCHO.

Billy Townsend (Pickett) has woman problems, in that he keeps slaughtering them in his sleep, leaving it to widower pa Kissinger to clean up the mess.  After Billy’s latest splatfest, Pa sends him into town to get his head together, where he sees a re-release of (the R-rated) THE GRADUATE and listens to a crummy bar band (American Xpress, likely buddies of Girdler’s).  He gets drunk, wets his pants, and wakes up naked next to a surprisingly kind-hearted waitress (the robotic Steiner), who dragged him to her place so the cops wouldn’t roust him.  They quickly fall in love, and make plans for Sherry to visit the Townsend farm that Sunday.  Can Billy control his murderous urges around his new girlfriend? 

The movie runs less than 80 minutes, but is still thickly padded with band footage and characters roaming around like in a shampoo commercial.  This is obviously a cheap film, but not totally ineffective, in that Girdler found an authentically rustic farm to use as a location, and Pickett turns in a decent performance.  The director made sure not to cheat with his delightfully crusty title too.  Also with Hugh Smith (who starred with Pickett and Kissinger in Girdler’s follow-up, the obscure THE ZEBRA KILLER), Carolyn Thompson, Kiersten Laine, Linda Thompson and John Shaw.  Girdler takes credit for the musical score.

THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE (1968)--Directed by Bitto Albertini.  Stars Brad Harris, George Martin, Salvatore Borgese, Femi Benussi.  This sequel to THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN finds our heroes in Africa seeking a uranium deposit before the Soviets find it first.  FBI agent Brad's (Harris, returning from the original film) wedding is interrupted by his boss, who first sends him to the Middle East, where fellow supermen Martin (Martin) and mute Dick (the shamelessly overacting Borgese) are due to be executed by a wealthy sheik whom the two robbed.  After rescuing his roguish partners, the three supermen, clad in bulletproof red tights, capes and masks, travel through the "African jungle", which more closely resembles a park in either Italy or Spain where this Italian/Spanish co-production must have been filmed.  Not only do they cross paths with their Soviet counterparts, but also a tribe of cannibals, a fake-looking crocodile, and an army of sexy white warriors led by jungle queen Jungla (Benussi).

The emphasis is on comedy in this slapstick sequel, which closely resembles an episode of THE MONKEES in its plotting, humor, costumes and music.  Much of the material involving the African natives comes across as grossly un-PC today, but the good-natured tone should deflect any bitter taste you may have after a scene in which a witch doctor drops vegetables into a boiling pot containing Dick and stirs the soup.  I'm not exactly sure how many of the several THREE SUPERMEN movies are part of the official series, much as DJANGO inspired plenty of westerns with the word "Django" in the title, but had nothing to do with the original film starring Franco Nero.  Other destinations for the THREE SUPERMEN include "THE ORIENT" and "THE WEST".  Also known as CHE FANNO I NOSTRI SUPERMEN TRA LE VERGINI DELLA GIUNGLA? and LOS TRES SUPERMEN EN LA SELVA.  From the director of the unrelated GOLDFACE, THE FANTASTIC SUPERMAN.

3:10 TO YUMA (1957)—Directed by Delmer Daves.  Stars Glenn Ford, Van Heflin.  The emphasis is on suspense, rather than gun-blazing action, in this well-acted Columbia western.  Poor rancher Dan Evans (Heflin) accepts $200 for a dirty job nobody else—not even the town marshal—wants: transporting captured outlaw Ben Wade (Ford) to board the 3:10 train from Contention City to Yuma, while evading Wade’s loyal gang’s attempt to sprint their boss.  While Daves does stage a few action sequences, YUMA is a character-based battle of wits between Ford’s cunning, charismatic bad guy, whose powers of seduction work on men just as well as with women, and Heflin’s honest but financially struggling family man, who takes the job to put food on the table.  Both actors are marvelous, but the slight edge goes to Ford, who plays nicely against type with a tight smile, a forked tongue and a quiet steadiness that wears down the nervous Heflin more precisely than hysterics would.  Wade is a killer, but he’s no psycho, which makes him more dangerous.  George Duning’s memorable score teams with Frankie Laine’s theme song and appropriately dry Arizona locations to set the stage for one of the most important westerns of the 1950s, despite its clunky climax.  Also with Felicia Farr, Richard Jaeckel, Robert Emhardt, Henry Jones, Richard Devon and Ford Rainey.

3:10 TO YUMA (2007)—Directed by James Mangold.  Stars Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, Ben Foster, Peter Fonda.  Lionsgate produced this old-fashioned action western that adheres surprisingly closely to the 1957 film (original writer Halsted Welles, even though Lionsgate misspells his name, receive a screenplay credit).  Its cast is equally as good with Bale in the role of frustrated rancher Dan Evans, who agrees to transport a dangerous outlaw, Ben Wade (Crowe), to the train station one city over in exchange for the $200 he needs to feed his family and save his spread.  In pursuit of Evans is Wade’s loyal gang, currently led by hotheaded second-in-command Charlie (Foster), who never hesitates to kill someone standing between him and something he wants.  Although Mangold appeases contemporary audiences by creating more action scenes than the original, he doesn’t veer away from the character-based battle of wits that marked the original film.  Crowe seems like a too-obvious choice as the oily-tongued outlaw whose dangerous charisma works on Dan’s nerves (Glenn Ford in the original was cast against type, and effectively so), but there’s no faulting his performance or his chemistry with Bale, who’s unfortunately stuck with a wooden leg that serves little story purpose.  Mangold has little feel for the western form—he can’t shoot action very well, and he fails to take advantage of his New Mexican locations—but he doesn’t blow it either, resulting in an easy-to-take remake that feels like one of those films “they don’t make anymore.”  Also with Dallas Roberts, Vinessa Shaw, Gretchen Mol, Logan Lerman and Alan Tudyk.  Good score by Marco Beltrami.

THREE THE HARD WAY (1974)--Directed by Gordon Parks Jr.  Stars Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Jim Kelly, Jay Robinson, Sheila Frazier.  Brings together for the first time three of the biggest badasses in blaxploitation history: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, Jim Brown and Jim Kelly. Brown and Williamson had been successfully starring in black action films such as SLAUGHTER, HAMMER and BLACK CAESAR for a couple of years, although Brown had enjoyed a slight mainstream career in major studio films like THE DIRTY DOZEN and 100 RIFLES.  Kelly had made a splash the year before as Bruce Lee and John Saxon's co-star in ENTER THE DRAGON.

THREE THE HARD WAY is one of my favorite blaxploitation flicks. Despite its frequent padding, sloppy production values and confusing script, it offers up tons of action and a ridiculously campy premise that add up to a wild combination of sub-budget Bond film and Marvel superhero comic. A wealthy white supremacist named Mr. Feather (the always fey Robinson) concocts a plan to exterminate America's black population by poisoning the water supply of several major cities with a deadly chemical that only affects African-Americans. Record producer Tait (Brown), PR man Jagger (Williamson) and karate teacher Mister Keyes (Kelly) stumble onto Feather's operation when Brown's girlfriend (Frazier) is kidnapped and attempt to destroy it.

All three leads are given properly heroic introductions, then, after damaging Feather's plot in a series of solo adventures, team up to destroy the villain's compound in a colorful Bondian climax.  Lots of stuntmen with machine guns and red berets are wiped out, and many cars explode.  The shootouts, martial-arts battles and stunts (performed by Hal Needham's Stunts Unlimited) are top-notch (the body count must run into triple digits), and Robinson's performance is hilariously over-the-top.  You'll also see some funky '70s threads, songs by The Impressions, a senseless part for Alex Rocco as a cop who doesn't do jack, and some very hateful villains.  There's also a bizarre scene where Williamson extracts information from one of Feather's henchmen by siccing a trio of foxy topless dominatrixes on him.  Sweaty, sassy and adorned only in tight leather pants, these three malicious mamas (one is played by Irene Tsu, who's still working in television) are simultaneously sensual and scary.

Scripters Eric Bercovici and Jerry Ludwig wrote dozens of HAWAII FIVE-0 episodes and later reteamed with Brown, Williamson and Kelly for the 1975 western TAKE A HARD RIDE with Lee Van Cleef.  Several years later, the Beatles of Blaxploitation got together for the only time, as Richard Roundtree (SHAFT) joined Brown, Kelly and The Hammer for ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO, which Williamson directed.  Also with Roberta Collins, Jeanne Bell, Howard Platt and an almost-unrecognizable Corbin Bernsen.  Beware of the Xenon Video release, which is a television print that deletes the profanity and nudity. 

THREE TOUGH GUYS (1974)--Directed by Duccio Tessani. Stars Lino Ventura, Isaac Hayes, Fred Williamson, Paula Kelly, William Berger. Ten-speed-pedaling tough-guy priest (Ventura) and taciturn ex-cop (Hayes) team up to solve a million-dollar bank heist and capture Chicago mobster Joe Snake (Williamson) in Windy City-lensed but Italian-produced action flick. There isn't much here that you haven't seen before, but the production values are appropriately gritty, the action is fast-paced and bloody, and it's nice to see the image-conscious Hammer cast against type as a bad guy. Hayes wrote the musical score as well, and released the soundtrack on Enterprise Records. THREE TOUGH GUYS was Isaac's acting debut, and while he's a bit stiff at times, he's certainly a compelling presence; he went on to TRUCK TURNER and semi-regular status as James Garner's former cellmate on TV's THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THRILL (1996)—Directed by Sam Pillsbury.  Stars Antonio Sabato Jr., Stepfanie Kramer, Ted Marcoux, Maxxe Sternbaum.  The hilariously awful THRILL aired as a TV-movie on NBC in 1996. It stars TV hunk Sabato as a widowed heating/air conditioning technician who also owns a stake in a California amusement park. And that's not the most implausible aspect of the film. The park is run by his sister, played by HUNTER's Kramer, who is normally quite a fox, but for some reason is stuck with a too-short pixie hairdo that does her no favors.

A psycho is sabotaging the park's rides and making threatening phone calls to Kramer, who wants to keep the scandal quiet, because she's trying to sell the park and doesn't want any negative publicity that might quash the sale. So she's basically Murray Hamilton, but not a villain. It took me exactly 19.5 minutes to guess the bad guy's identity, but you're smarter than I and may be able to do it faster.

No cliché is left unturned. When THRILL establishes Sabato as a single father with a cute daughter (Sternbaum), you know she's kidnap fodder, and when the teleplay beats us over the head in reminding us every ten minutes that he has a fear of heights and hates--hates, mind you--the park's rollercoaster, called Thrill, well, it's not a big leap to assume that Sabato is eventually gonna be on the damn thing while either disarming a bomb or punching someone in the face. Or both. THRILL, which for some reason is on DVD, is watchable, but only for fans of bad movies. And maybe Stepfanie Kramer. Also with Larry Joshua, Christine Harnos and Bill Cobbs.

THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (1974)--Directed by Bo Arne Vibenius.  Stars Christina Lindberg, Heinz Hopf.  Synapse released this controversial Swedish thriller to DVD in 2004 to great critical acclaim.  A combination of arthouse and grindhouse styles, THRILLER, which was originally released to U.S. theaters shorn of 20 minutes and titled THEY CALL HER ONE EYE, is also admired by director Quentin Tarantino, who molded Daryl Hannah's character in KILL BILL after the physical look of star Lindberg.  However, Vibenius' film (he wrote, produced and directed it) is a major disappointment, a slow-moving, bleak and unfulfilling revenge fantasy patterned after the works of his mentor, Ingmar Bergman.

THROW MAMMA FROM THE TRAIN (1987)--Directed by Danny DeVito. Stars Billy Crystal, Danny DeVito, Anne Ramsey. Effective black comedy slightly influenced by Hitchcock's STRANGERS ON A TRAIN. An author with writer's block (Crystal) teaches a creative writing class on the side. He becomes involved with a slow-witted student (DeVito), who kills Crystal's ex-wife and expects Crystal to murder his domineering mother (Ramsey). Most of the gruesome humor works, and DeVito lends some visual flair in his feature directing debut. Ramsey received a Best Supporting Actress Oscar nomination. With Kate Mulgrew, Kim Greist and an amusing supporting turn by Rob Reiner. From the director of WAR OF THE ROSES.

THUNDER ALLEY (1967)--Directed by Richard Rush.  Stars Fabian, Annette Funicello, Jan Murray, Warren Berlinger, Diane McBain.  Stock footage from FIREBALL 500 made its way into AIP’s 1967 follow-up, THUNDER ALLEY.  So did Annette Funicello and Fabian, but not Frankie Avalon, who was over in Hong Kong filming THE MILLION EYES OF SU-MURU.  Taking over the directorial reins from the pedestrian William Asher was Richard Rush (THE STUNT MAN), then a prolific maker of exploitation movies that were mostly above-average.

Whenever he gets boxed in on the track, stock car driver Tommy Callahan (Fabian) suffers from blackouts, triggered by flashbacks of his brother’s fatal childhood go-cart accident.  He’s barred from racing after an attack leads to a rival driver’s death, and he and his heavily lacquered girl Annie (Diane McBain) end up with shyster Pete Madsen’s (Jan Murray) thrill circus, where Tommy becomes a stunt driver crashing cars for drunken spectators.  Top-billed Annette plays Francie, Madsen’s daughter and another stunt driver who’s involved with wannabe racer Eddie (Warren Berlinger), but catches the eye of Tommy.  And who can blame the guy for falling for?  She’s cute as the dickens, drinks whiskey, and knows her way around an engine.

There’s little more to the story than that, as TV writer Sy Salkowitz concentrates on the love quadrangle, while occasionally tossing the drive-in fans a bone in the form of a freak-out dance number or a good old-fashioned barroom brawl.  Like in FIREBALL 500, the racing sequences contain stock footage of every spinout and fiery crash Rush could find, making it appear that a typical stock car race is about as safe as a typical Rollerball match.  One flaming jump is so cool, it shows up in both movies.

THUNDER ALLEY marked the end of Funicello’s AIP contract and, in effect, her film career.  She was only 25, but she had literally grown up (and grown out, much to the delight of her young male fans) in the public arena and was presumably finding it difficult to reconcile her sweet Disney image with the increasing permissiveness creeping into Hollywood films.  THUNDER ALLEY was probably the most “adult” film she had made to date, even though a comic drunk scene is as grown-up as she gets.  Mike Curb’s score features a song very similar to his “Burning Bridges” from KELLY’S HEROES and some fuzz guitar grooving courtesy of Davie Allan and the Arrows.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING (1977)--Directed by Corey Allen. Stars David Carradine, Kate Jackson, Roger C. Carmel, Sterling Holloway, Pat Cranshaw. Produced by Roger Corman in the wake of Hal Needham's massive money-making redneck car-crash comedy SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT, this amiable adventure casts drive-in vet Carradine as hard-drivin' moonshiner Harley Thomas, who makes his money by hauling illegal liquor cooked up by crotchety brothers Hobe (Holloway) and Taylor (Cranshaw) Carpenter. Complications ensue, however, when local soft-drink magnate R.J. Hunnicutt (Carmel), in an effort to conquer the moonshine racket, sends his gang of goons out to the Carpenter shack to crack up the brother's still. Toss in a couple of New York mobsters, several car chases and a romance between Harley and Hunnicutt's naive daughter Nancy Sue (Jackson), and the result is a fun if undistinguished low-budget action comedy.

The strangest aspect of THUNDER AND LIGHTING is probably the participation of Kate Jackson. Arguably one of television's biggest stars at the time (during the first season of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, she was even featured, along with her co-stars, on the cover of TIME), Jackson's role is thinly-scripted and exists mainly as someone for Carradine to rescue. It seems odd that Jackson wouldn't have had more interesting feature-film offers during her ANGELS hiatus, but maybe she just had a burning desire to do a cheap car-crash comedy with David Carradine. Both leads are too old for their roles, and the love story is the script's weakest element. Carradine appears to be having a fine time (one character, while receiving a martial-arts thrashing from Carradine, orders him to "knock off that kung-fu s*&t!"), and the veteran supporting cast, including Carmel, Charles Napier, George Murdock and Ron Feinberg, all turn in energetic performances. Ed Barth (SIMON & SIMON) and Claude Earl Jones (USED CARS) show off nice comic timing as a pair of bickering hitmen.

Director Allen, a former actor who played Buzz in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, helmed hundreds of hours of episodic television (THE ROCKFORD FILES, QUINCY, M.E.); this and 1978's AVALANCHE were his final features. His strangest credit may his first--THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO ("It's not his nose that grows!" read the ad copy). Napier and Carradine later worked together in FUTURE ZONE and MACON COUNTY JAIL. Carmel, who was a marvelous comic heavy in films and television (especially as Captain Kirk's nemesis, conman Harry Mudd), committed suicide in 1986. Writer William Hjortsberg later penned a made-for-TV SMOKEY ripoff called THE GEORGIA PEACHES. Future exploitation-film director Lewis Teague (ALLIGATOR) was the second-unit director, while future BAYWATCH producer James Pergola served as cinematographer.

THUNDER IN DIXIE (1964)--Directed by William T. Naud.  Stars Michael Bradford, Harry Millard, Judy Lewis, Nancy Berg.  A melodrama about a jealous rivalry between formerly friendly stock car jockeys.  Mike Bradford stars as Ticker Welsh, a brooding driver out for revenge against his ex-best friend Mickey Arnold (Harry Millard), who killed Ticker’s fiancé in a drunken driving accident.  Mickey’s estranged wife Lili (Judy Lewis) and Ticker’s new flame Karen (Nancy Berg) wring their hands in despair, but take little action to prevent Welsh’s blood feud from happening during a climactic race at--again--Atlanta International Raceway.  Director William T. Naud (HOT ROD HULLABALLOO) deftly handles a rich script by noted mystery novelist and Hollywood screenwriter George Baxt, and while the acting is inconsistent, it’s also sincere enough to provide Baxt’s Southern fried clichés with much-needed dramatic weight.

THUNDER NINJA KIDS: THE HUNT FOR THE DEVIL BOXER (1991)—Directed by Godfrey Ho (I think).  Some films I find to be practically unreviewable, mainly because there’s no way for me to explain them in any context that makes sense to someone with a normal mind.  I would imagine producer Joseph Lai, who specialized in splicing together out-of-context scenes from several different (often unfinished) films to create one wildly confusing one, has made more unreviewable pictures that nearly anyone else.  This one somehow manages to concoct a story involving hopping zombie children, who are raised from the dead by an alien spaceship and decide to rescue a little girl kidnapped by gangsters.  While that’s going on, a martial artist tries to gain revenge for his father’s murder by training with a Chinese master named Samson and then teaming up with him to do hand-to-hand battle with Satan.  Supposedly, Sophia Crawford is in the film, but I’m not sure about that, unless she’s the topless actress playing one incarnation of the Devil.  And I hope she is.  Lai produced other THUNDER NINJA KIDS movies, but I’m not sure I have the guts to try them.

THUNDER RUN (1986)--Directed by Gary Hudson.  Stars Forrest Tucker, John Ireland, John Shepherd.  Tucker's final film was for Cannon, a delightfully silly action romp that unfortunately doesn't really get churning until its second half.  Ex-trucker Tucker owns a Nevada mine, where he also lives with his wife and his grandson Chris (Shepherd).  Old war buddy Ireland pops in to ask a favor:  would Tuck mind picking up a load of plutonium in his rig and driving it a few hundred miles to an Army base in Arizona?  There's $250,000 in it for you, and, oh yeah, some terrorists are going to try to steal your cargo along the way.  None of this happens until late in the picture, since Hudson apparently believes we're more interested in Chris and his friends' dull hijinks than the excitement of Tucker fighting rocket-launching dune buggies with his gadget-riddled, armor-plated semi.  Once the action starts on the desert highway, THUNDER RUN is great fun, but the waiting around for it made me kinda fidgety.  Brunette Kim Whitlow and hot blonde Cheryl Lynn provide eye candy, and take a good look at Chris' friend Paul, played by "Wally Ward".  Ward is actually Wallace Langham, later a regular on THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW.

THE TIME MACHINE (2002)--Directed by Simon Wells.  Stars Guy Pearce, Samantha Mumba, Jeremy Irons, Mark Addy, Sienna Guillory.  Here we go again.  Just weeks after MGM's abysmal ROLLERBALL stumbled into theaters, we're presented with another remake of a well-known science fiction adventure.  Like 1975's ROLLERBALL, the 1960 version of THE TIME MACHINE, which starred rugged Rod Taylor and was directed by George Pal, would seem perfectly suited for revamping.  It's a fun little movie, but Pal, for all his charm and imagination, was a better producer than director whose reach overstepped his budgetary grasp (although the film did win an Academy Award for its visual effects).  For all its faults, however, Pal's film is still more entertaining than DreamWorks' new rendition, which fails to duplicate the Pal film's most ingratiating qualities:  its whimsy and its sociopolitical context.

Of course, both films are based upon the 1895 novel by H.G. Wells (who created the very concept of "time machines"), which was based upon the premise that the two social classes in England at the time--the lower and the upper--would eventually split apart into completely different species:  the fancy-free Eloi, who frolicked on the Earth's surface, laughing and skipping and eating, and the working-class Morlocks, who lived underground providing for the Eloi's every needs.  And--oh, yes--in exchange, using the Eloi as food.  The 1960 film retains some of Wells' concepts, adding a specific "no nukes" message, but the new version, directed by Wells' great-grandson Simon, is devoid of subtext, wit or romanticism, substituting a clichéd and underwritten love story instead.

At the turn of the 20th century, Alexander Hartdegen (Guy Pearce) is an absent-minded inventor teaching engineering at a university in New York (foolishly switched from London as a result of Hollywood's mistaken belief that the United States is the Center of the Universe), the kind of guy who has to be reminded by his jovial pal Filby (Mark Addy) of his date in Central Park with the beautiful Emma (Sienna Guillory).  He still forgets to bring the flowers he promised her, but he does remember an engagement ring, and asks Emma to marry him.  Their engagement lasts about two minutes, however, since a mugger then shoots and kills her.  Four years pass, and Alexander has become a recluse in his home whose only thoughts are of constructing a device that will allow him to travel backwards in time to save her.  In the original TIME MACHINE, Rod Taylor's character, George, was motivated to time-travel by a romantic curiosity for what lies ahead for mankind and an optimistic belief that Things Will Be Better.  On the other hand, Alexander's quest is fueled by his narcissistic need to make his own life better by saving the woman he loves (a story element which, admittedly, might have worked if the script had successfully convinced us of their romantic bond).  Since we have all seen time travel plots before and know that History Can Never Be Changed, the next several minutes are useless filler as we watch Alexander try--and fail--to save Emma's life (bad sign--the audience snickered audibly at this part).

Why can't Alexander change the past?  "Just 'cause" isn't a good enough answer for him, and he travels forward in time to find out.  The special effects sequences of Alexander watching the world around him change in "fast motion" are the film's most charming and are taken directly from the 1960 movie (the evocative machine itself closely resembles Pal's).  Eventually he lands in the year 802,701, when the moon's destruction has caused mankind to split into the Eloi and Morlocks.  Alexander befriends lovely Eloi Mara (played by Irish-born teen pop singer Samantha Mumba), who before long is, of course, kidnapped by the Morlocks (played alternately by fake-looking CGI creations and stuntmen in rubber suits) in a scene ripped off directly from PLANET OF THE APES.  Again, not out of any altruistic motive of helping a downtrodden species against The Man, but just because they happened to steal his new girl (and remember, this is about "two days" after he watched his fiancé die for the second time), Alexander decides to strike back against the Morlocks.

Instead of lifting a single finger to add imagination or logic to their film, director Wells (who was replaced by THE MEXICAN's Gore Verbinski during shooting after he suffered a nervous breakdown) and scripter John Logan (GLADIATOR) go through the motions of making a SF film, while dumbing it down the best they can.  The climax, involving a poorly made-up Jeremy Irons (who looks like he stepped off the set of the LOST IN SPACE TV show) as a mysterious Super Morlock with grand mental powers duking it out with Pearce, who manages to climb a mountain and run miles in mere seconds, is as stupid as it is incoherent, while the performances are strictly phoned-in at best.  Hiring a pop star to be an actress is usually a sure sign that the director doesn't really know what the art of acting entails, and Mumba is proof of that.  Pearce, he of those classically sunken cheekbones, lacks both energy and action-hero machismo, and Irons shows that his legendarily awful performance in 2000's DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS was no fluke.

Do artists who choose to adapt novels or remake older films have a responsibility to remain faithful to the subject matter?  I don't think so, but I do believe they should take a close look to discover what elements made the originals work or not work, then jettison the bad stuff and put a fresh spin on the good stuff.  With THE TIME MACHINE, DreamWorks has done just the opposite, leaving audiences wishing for a better time at the movies.  Also with Orlando Jones, Omero Mumba, Yancey Arias, Phyllida Law and a blink-and-you'll-miss-him cameo by Alan Young (MR. ED), who played Filby in the Pal version.  Music by Klaus Badelt.

TIME SERVED (1999)--Directed by Glen Pitre.  Stars Catherine Oxenberg, Jeff Fahey, Louise Fletcher, Bo Hopkins, James Handy, Lourdes Colon.  Thank you, Glen Pitre, for proving that sleazy women-in-prison flicks will never die.  This preposterous slice of trashy dumb fun takes the basic WIP premise of a sweet, innocent young woman sentenced to a lifetime of torture and degradation for a crime she didn't commit and updates for the 21st century by adding a trendy subplot involving strip clubs.  And if you're wondering how a film could possibly mix strippers and convicts, then you obviously haven't seen enough of these WIPs.

Sarah McKinney (Oxenberg) faces serious jail time after her young son blows away his abusive stepfather with a gun he found upstairs.  Even though the case is an obvious example of self-defense, Sarah claims that she killed her husband and is handed a ridiculously stiff jail term by Judge Engstrom (Handy), a psychopath who retires to his chambers, fondles his gun and rambles on to himself about how all women are whores.  On to prison, where Sarah is forced to strip and is assigned to a hot lesbian cellmate, Rosie (Colon), who propositions her right out of the gate. The roomie bears no grudge, and even offers Sarah a chance to become part of the cool crowd, a way to escape the hazing, brutality and cruel working conditions part of everyday prison life.  Y'see, Rosie is part of the prison's unique work release program, a project spearheaded by the corrupt warden (Fletcher) and a slimeball named Mr. D (Hopkins).  Violating all levels of common sense and the law, the sexier prisoners are allowed out at night to dance at Mr. D's swanky strip joint.  Sarah resists at first, not wanting to stoop to that level (somehow she finds scrubbing floors more dignified), but for some reason, it's enormously important to everyone else that Sarah works at the club, and they go to great extremes to put pressure on her.  Eventually, she caves in, and an ever-grateful audience is glad that she does, since Sarah, for all her primness, turns out to be a surprisingly gifted stripper, almost as though she had been practicing for a film role...

The story grows even sillier, if you can believe it, as Sarah's incompetent attorney, Patrick (Fahey), begins to feel a tad guilty about being such a poor lawyer, and after a few visits with Sarah's vegetable son (remember him?), takes measures to overturn his client's conviction.  His methods include sneaking into Mr. D's to watch her dance and hacking into governmental files to investigate Mr. D's finances.  I doubt you'll be surprised to learn that Judge Engstrom's ugly head rears up later in the story.  Or that the exterior of the strip club appears to be nothing more than a wooden façade awkwardly placed randomly in the middle of a parking lot.  Or that most of the prisoners possess perfect surgically enhanced breasts and a shocking affinity for exotic dancing.

Oxenberg is a pretty good sport, showing up on the set every day knowing she was going to have to do something shamelessly embarrassing for a film hardly worth the effort.  Hopkins is having a pretty good time, camping it up with a silly accent, while Fahey, who plays dim bulbs pretty well (perhaps THE LAWNMOWER MAN was good preparation), spices up his work with the knowledge that he's in a stupid film that nonetheless paid him his going rate.  MAGNUM, P.I. sidekick Larry Manetti pops up as well in this entertaining trashfest filmed around Chicago.  If you know someone who claims, "Gee, they just don't make 'em the way they used to," just show this to him. Tasteless, absurd, filled with gratuitous nudity and a complete lack of logic-just like WIPs in the old days.

A TIME TO DIE (1991)--Directed by Charles T. Kanganis.  Stars Traci Lords, Jeff Conaway, Robert Miano, Richard Roundtree.  Low-budget filmmakers were obsessed with casting the hideously untalented and unphotogenic Conaway (TAXI) in erotic thrillers for a few years.  I have no idea why.  He was cheap, I guess.  He’s the unlikely romantic lead in this awful PM movie, playing a detective who romances a freelance photographer (Lords) on parole for coke possession.  She didn’t do it, of course; she was set up by Conaway’s corrupt colleague (Miano), whom she just happens to see executing a pimp in cold blood.  Traci snaps his pic, putting herself and her son (in the custody of her ex) in mortal jeopardy.  Traci is actually pretty good, maybe even more so, considering how lame the script and direction are.  The action is practically nil, and Roundtree is wasted as a gruff police captain.  Music by Louis Febre.  Also with Jesse Thomas, Daphne Cheung and Bradford Bancroft.  Kanganis and Lords also made INTENT TO KILL for PM Entertainment.

A TIME TO KILL (1996)--Directed by Joel Schumacher. Stars Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey. John Grisham legal thriller featuring an all-star cast and a slick Hollywood look at race relations in the South. A black Mississippi man (Jackson) goes on trial for killing the two white rednecks who raped his 10-year-old daughter. Fearing it's impossible for a black man to receive a fair verdict from an all-white jury, he turns to local lawyer Jake Brigance (McConaughey in his first starring role) for help. Kind of a "lite" version of TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD; more of a summer popcorn movie than a serious look at race and justice. Cast is good though (except Kiefer Sutherland as a thinly-scripted Klan member); supporting players include Oliver Platt, Ashley Judd (who sweats a LOT and looks great), Donald Sutherland, Patrick McGoohan (as Judge Omar Noose), M. Emmet Walsh, Chris Cooper and Kurtwood Smith. Screenplay by Schumacher crony Akiva Goldsman (BATMAN FOREVER); score by Elliot Goldenthal. McConaughey looks like he'll be around for awhile.

THE TIME TRAVELERS (1964)--Directed by Ib Melchior. Stars Preston Foster, Philip Carey, Merry Anders, Steve Franken, John Hoyt. Melchior, who claims Irwin Allen swiped his idea for LOST IN SPACE (and did receive a credit in New Line's theatrical remake), directed this interesting science fiction movie using more ambitious than bucks, thanks to the clever special effects work of co-writer David L. Hewitt. While the sets and miniatures aren't anything special, Hewitt used ordinary stage magic to achieve such effects as the removal and replacement of an android's head and the transportation (predating STAR TREK) of Franken from one platform to another. Some of the results are a bit obvious, but achieving the FX work "in camera" must have added a few dollars to the regular shooting budget, which this cheap-looking picture surely needed.

On an unnamed college campus, four scientists--stern older Dr. von Steiner (Foster), who wears a monocle so well remember he's German; hot-headed Dr. Connors (Carey); blonde Carol (Anders); and youthful comic relief Danny (Franken), who annoyingly exclaims "Holy McKee!" to express astonishment--accidentally open a time portal to the not-too-distant future--the year 2071, to be exact. Stumbling through, they're shocked to discover that the Earth is a burnt-out wasteland--the result of a nuclear holocaust. Unable to return to the present while chased by mutants (played by various Los Angeles Lakers), the group finds safety in some nearby caves, where they are rescued by some faceless androids. The androids take their 20th-century visitors to their leaders, the last remnants of human civilization, who are building a spaceship to Alpha Centauri V, where they plan to colonize as New Earth. The foursome resigns themselves to their new lives amongst the stars, until they're informed by friendly Council leader Varno (Hoyt) that there's no room for them onboard their spaceship, and that they have less than a month to return to their own time or perish at the hands of the vicious mutants.

THE TIME TRAVELERS may be best remembered for its downbeat twist ending, which was quite innovative for the time and was even copied in Hewitt's uncredited remake JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME. Although plagued by cheap production values and a few stiff performances, Melchior displays plenty of imagination and does a nice job getting it on the screen. Cameramen Vilmos Zsigmond and Laszlo Kovacs enliven the many cave sets with bright colors, and the violent finale features a surprising amount of brutality and bloodshed. Also with PLAYBOY Playmate Delores Wells, Joan Woodbury, Dennis Patrick and Forrest J. Ackerman. The bold (often overly so) score is by Richard DeSalle. Released by American-International. From the director of THE ANGRY RED PLANET.

TIME TRAVELERS (1976)—Directed by Alexander Singer. Stars Sam Groom, Tom Hallick, Richard Basehart, Francine York. It seems impossible that Rod Serling, the crafter of literate science fiction on TWILIGHT ZONE, and Irwin Allen, whose schlocky shows like LOST IN SPACE represent TV sci-fi at its junkiest, could ever collaborate, but this busted pilot was produced by Allen from a Serling story. Jackson Gillis penned the awful teleplay of this TIME TUNNEL ripoff that sends hunky Hallick and Groom (POLICE SURGEON) backward in time to the Chicago Fire of 1871. This allows Singer and Allen to raid the Fox vault for IN OLD CHICAGO stock footage to pad the disaster scenes. The time “tunnel” is ludicrously cheap—a staircase covered in fog. The highlight is an overacting Basehart as a gruff Chicago doctor who may hold the cure to a 1976 epidemic. The leads make Bob Colbert and Jimmy Darren look like Redford and Newman. Also with Trish Stewart, Booth Colman, Dort Clark, Walter Brooke, Richard Webb, Albert Cole, and Patrick Culliton. Music by Morton Stevens.

TIMEBOMB (1990)--Directed by Avi Nesher. Stars Michael Biehn, Patsy Kensit, Richard Jordan. I kind of liked this low-budget straight-to-video thriller about a simple watchmaker (Biehn) who is actually a brainwashed government assassin who is marked for termination by the man (Jordan) who created him. Biehn does well as a normal guy who has no conscious knowledge of his double life, and is afraid of finding out who he really is. Good cast includes Robert Culp, Raymond St. Jacques, Billy Blanks, Ray Boom Boom Mancini and Tracy Scoggins. One of Jordan's last film appearances.

TIMECOP (1994)--Directed by Peter Hyams. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mia Sara, Ron Silver. One of J-C's best movies casts the Muscles from Brussels as a government agent of the future whose job is to prevent criminals from escaping into the past and changing history for their own gain. The main villain is an evil politician played by Silver, who discovers the secret to time travel and has Van Damme's wife murdered in our present. The plot is sometimes confusing, but Van Damme is likable, handles the action scenes well, and seems more comfortable than usual. He later reteamed with Hyams for SUDDEN DEATH. Also with Bruce McGill and Gloria Reuben. Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert were the executive producers of this box-office hit based on a Dark Horse comic. Filmed in Vancouver.

TIMECOP: THE BERLIN DECISION (2003)--Directed by Stephen Boyum.  Stars Jason Scott Lee, Thomas Ian Griffith.  Here's another unnecessary direct-to-video sequel by the director of SLAP SHOT 2. By the year 2025, time travel is not only possible, but apparently so easy that criminals are doing it willy-nilly in attempts to change history for their own benefit.  To that end, the government has trained a series of "timecops"--police officers who follow the perpetrators into the past to prevent them from breaching time.  One such breach--an assassination attempt on Hitler in 1940 by renegade timecop Brandon Miller (Griffith)--finds Miller's wife dead as the result of a bullet fired by Miller's friend and fellow time cop Ryan Chan (Lee).  After serving two years in a federal penitentiary, Miller escapes into time and begins killing the ancestors of his fellow timecops in a ruthless attempt to prevent his former colleagues from ever being born.  The script by Gary Scott Thompson (THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS) is needlessly complex, sending Lee after Griffith through one time period after another, a process that former stuntman Boyum is unable to realistically portray on his woeful budget.  A veteran cast does its best, but is let down not only by the confusing script, but also Boyum's poorly directed fight scenes.  I guess, at 80 minutes, it's hard to complain that this movie wears out its welcome, but it kinda does.  Mary Page Keller (DUET), John Beck (EXTREME LIMITS) and the lovely Tava Smiley provide support.  TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION is printed on the label, box and advertising, but there's no numeral in the on-screen title.  Soap actor T.W. King starred in ABC's shortlived TV series, which is occasionally rerun on the Sci-Fi Channel.

TIMELINE (2003)--Directed by Richard Donner.  Stars Paul Walker, Frances O'Connor, Billy Connolly, Gerard Butler.  Based on a novel by Michael Crichton, this simpleminded adventure features Scottish comic Connolly as an archeologist who becomes trapped in the past; 1357 France, to be exact.  The scientists who sent him there recruit some of his students and his surfer-dude son (Walker) to go back and get him.  You might ask why they don't send trained soldiers instead, but when you discover how idiotic and psychologically unbalanced the three Marines who accompany the students on their journey are, maybe it's just as well that they didn't.  The party just happens to arrive on a pivotal date in European history on the site of a major battle between the English and the French.  And they have just six hours to find Connolly and activate the "marker" which will transport them home.  Paramount and Donner have delivered a product that is slick, handsome, but unfortunately empty-headed.  Logically, Jeff Maguire and George Nolti's script doesn't hold much water, and Donner's (or the studio's) insistence upon saddling us with the banal Walker, when we'd rather be following the more dashing Butler, is inexcusable.  Brian Tyler delivers a decent enough score as a substitute for Jerry Goldsmith's, which was replaced when TIMELINE underwent drastic recutting and post-production changes.  Also with David Thewlis, Ethan Embry, Matt Craven, Anna Friel and Neal McDonough.  Canada fills in for France.

TIMERIDER: THE ADVENTURE OF LYLE SWANN (1982)--Directed by William Dear. Stars Fred Ward, Belinda Bauer, Peter Coyote, Richard Masur, Ed Lauter, Tracey Walter, L.Q. Jones, Chris Mulkey, Macon McCalman, Bruce Gordon. If a biker sci-fi western could ever be considered low-key, this collaboration between future HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS director Dear and former Monkee Mike Nesmith would be it. Ward (Gus Grissom in THE RIGHT STUFF) is well cast as Swann, a champion off-road motorcycle racer who zips across the desert right through a secret time-travel experiment and finds himself smack dab in 1877! There, he crosses paths with murderous outlaw Porter Reese (Coyote) and his dimwitted sidekicks, Claude (Masur) and Carl (Walter) Dorsett, who manage to steal Swann’s cycle. The attractive Bauer (FLASHDANCE) provides eye candy as an improbably liberated woman who forces Lyle to sleep with her. Lotta arm-twisting there. Dear directs without urgency, and it’ll be up to you to decide whether the ramble-tamble pace is a good thing or bad. It plays more like an episode of a TIMERIDER TV series than the most spectacular event of Lyle Swann’s life. Nesmith, who used Dear in his shortlived NBC series TELEVISION PARTS, co-wrote the screenplay with Dear, composed the mellow score, plays a cameo role, and “presented” TIMERIDER.