Marty's Marquee

Terminator-Timerider

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TERMINATOR-TIMERIDER

THE TERMINATOR (1984)--Directed by James Cameron. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen. Excellent action film about a futuristic robot killer (Schwarzenegger) that is sent back in time to present-day Los Angeles to assassinate waitress Hamilton. The reason: Hamilton's son will one day lead the rebel resistance against the ruthless Machines that want to take over the world. To battle Schwarzenegger, the rebels send their own warrior (Biehn) back in time to make sure Hamilton gives birth. Interesting time-travel story is propelled by violent action, good performances and Cameron's kinetic style. Look for bits by Paul Winfield, Rick Rossovich, Dick Miller (as a gun shop owner) and Bill Paxton (as a Mohawk-wearing punk who talks back to Ahnold). The very good stop-motion effects are by Stan Winston and Ernest Farino. Music by Brad Fiedel. Made a superstar out of Arnold, who chose the robot role over that of Biehn's. Similar to a 1964 OUTER LIMITS episode written by noted science-fiction author Harlan Ellison. He sued for credit and won.

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1990)--Directed by James Cameron. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, Robert Patrick, Joe Morton. Thrilling sequel finds Schwarzenegger traveling back in time again--this time to protect (a buffed-up) Hamilton and son Furlong from an assassin. The killer this time is the T-1000, a shape-changing cyborg played by the creepy Patrick. The action never stops, and the visual effects are top-notch (especially Hamilton's nuclear holocaust dream sequence). Michael Biehn reprised his role from the original TERMINATOR briefly, but was edited out of the final cut. Was reportedly budgeted at anywhere from $80-100 million. Every penny of it is on the screen. Music by Brad Fiedel.
 
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003)--Directed by Jonathan Mostow.  Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Claire Danes, Kristanna Loken.  Guess what?  All that work Arnold and Linda Hamilton and Edward Furlong did in T2 to stop Judgment Day?  No go.  Seems you can't prevent Judgment Day, just postpone it.  Once again, an advanced cyborg from the future, this time a sexy TX-1 in leather played by blond Loken, time-travels to contemporary Los Angeles to assassinate John Connor (Stahl), now a disenfranchised twenty something living "off the grid."  Just in time, John's ol' buddy Arnold makes a return trip as well, rescuing both Connor and screeching veterinarian Kate (Danes).  Stand back and watch the bullets, bodies, buildings and debris fly.
 
T3 isn't anything special, but as directed by action craftsman Mostow (U-571), it's a straightforward SF adventure with enough explosions, destruction and gunfire to keep audiences' eyes open. I like to think of it as TERMINATOR 90210, since three of the four leads are white teenagers (gee, I guess the first two TERMINATOR movies just weren't successful enough with their older casts). Stahl is very good as John Connor, although Loken is a vapid blank as the new TX-1 (which doesn't emote half the danger and otherworldly vibe Robert Patrick did in T2) and Danes is just "the girl". There isn't much to her character, although she can be a fine actress.  For a movie that reportedly contained little CGI (some buzz mentioned what a "throwback" it was), T3 has a LOT of CGI, including a long truck chase that's about half as exciting as a typical PM Entertainment chase and a bunch of exploding helicopters.
 
I believe, as many others do, that T3 negates many key milestones of T2, but the ending, which surprised me, plays fair and does a nice job setting up another sequel, which will certainly be nothing like any TERMINATOR to date.  Also with David Andrews (whose CHERRY 2000 and MANN & MACHINE seem quite similar to many T3 story elements), Jay Acovone, M.C. Gainey, Chris Hardwick, Christopher Lawford, Moira Harris and Earl Boen reprising his shrink from the first two TERMINATORS.  Marco Beltrami takes over conducting duties from Brad Fiedel, but doesn't use Fiedel's classic theme to good advantage.  Budgeted at $170 million, more than had ever before been greenlit.  Released by Warner Brothers and Columbia Tri-Star.
 
TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (1983)--Directed by James L. Brooks. Stars Shirley MacLaine, Debra Winger, Jack Nicholson, Jeff Daniels, John Lithgow, Danny DeVito. Terrific performances from an expert cast and Brooks's tender screenplay make this warm comedy/drama a must-see. Neurotic mother MacLaine becomes estranged from stubborn daughter Winger after Winger's marriage to cheating husband Daniels. Winger retaliates with her own affair (to Lithgow), and MacLaine finds love with the extroverted astronaut (Nicholson) living next door. Mother and daughter finally come together, but only after tragedy strikes. Nicholson gives the best acting job in what is basically a character-type role--the antithesis to the leading men he had been playing. He won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar; other Academy Awards went for Best Picture, Director, Screenplay and Actress (MacLaine).
 
THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE (1960)--Directed by Harald Reinl.  Stars Joachim Fuchsberger, Karin Dor, Otto Collin.  On his way to the gallows, bank robber Clay Shelton (Collin) swears vengeance upon those he holds responsible for his execution, including the attorney who prosecuted him, the judge who sentenced him and the witness who testified against him.  And wouldn't ya know it?  Soon after Shelton's death, his intended victims start turning up dead, baffling Scotland Yard Chief Inspector Blackie Long (Fuchsberger), a fortunate son urged by his wealthy father to quit fighting crime and join the family business.  Based on a story by Edgar Wallace, Reinl's film is one of dozens of West German krimis that feature complicated plots, several red herrings, witty twists and a repertory company of performers that includes Fuchsberger, Dor (Mrs. Reinl) and Eddi Arent, who plays a crime photographer who faints at the sight of a corpse.  This is one of the first produced by Rialto, and makes the grade in an entertaining fashion.  DIE BANDE DES SCHRECKENS was also released as HAND OF THE GALLOWS.
 
THE TERROR (1963)--Directed by Roger Corman. Stars Boris Karloff, Jack Nicholson, Sandra Knight, Dick Miller, Jonathan Haze. Nicholson called it the only movie he ever made without a plot. He's right. Different directors, basically making up the script as they went along, made the film in bits and pieces. Nicholson is totally unconvincing as a French soldier in Napoleon's army who finds himself lost and at the castle of the Baron von Leppe (Karloff). He also keeps seeing the ghostly figure of a woman (Knight). Totally incomprehensible, and totally entertaining. Francis Ford Coppola, Jack Hill, Monte Hellman and Nicholson himself reportedly directed some scenes. Don't miss!
 
TERROR BENEATH THE SEA (1966)--Directed by Hajime Sato.  Stars Sonny Chiba, Peggy Neal, Franz Gruber, Mike Daneen, Erik Nielsen.  Toei, the Japanese studio best known in the United States for exporting science fiction hits like JOHNNY SOKKO AND HIS FLYING ROBOT, THE GREEN SLIME and MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, produced this colorful monster movie set 3000 feet below the ocean.  Japanese journalist Ken (Sonny Chiba!) and his American counterpart Jenny (blond Peggy Neal) are startled when the U.S. Navy underwater missile testing they’re observing is interrupted by a dark figure resembling a human being.  Navy officer Tom Brown (Franz Gruber) hems and haws, but provides no solid response to their questions about the mysterious swimmer.  Investigating on their own, skin divers Ken and Jenny manage to snap a photo of an unearthly creature, just before they are kidnapped and taken to a massive underwater base constructed by the sunglasses-wearing Dr. Moore (Erik Nielsen).  Moore has ambitious plans to conquer the world with his own private army.  Not of humans, however, but the ghastly creations of mad scientist Dr. Heim (Mike Daneen), who has perfected a method of surgically transforming people into amphibious creatures.  With their vague faces and silver scales, Heim’s “water cyborgs” look like a cross between the OUTER LIMITS O.B.I.T. monster and a zipper-suited refugee from VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.  Mindlessly obedient, Moore controls the creatures using a clunky computer with at least two different settings: “Work” and “Fight”, which causes the ‘borgs to stop whatever they’re doing and duke it out for their master’s enjoyment.
 
Directed by Hajime Sato (GOKE, BODY SNATCHER FROM HELL) on the cheap with an international cast including American and German expatriates, TERROR BENEATH THE SEA is a very strange but giddy adventure that must have left a dreamy mark on late-night television viewers in its day.  Co-producer Walter Manley specialized in repackaging foreign films and television shows for American consumption, sometimes selling them directly into TV syndication.  That was likely the case here, as TERROR appears to have bypassed the U.S. drive-in market, the perfect showcase for its laser-blasting shenanigans, to the benefit of channel-switching insomniacs lured in by its lurid storyline.  After all, it feels a little strange for a Japanese production, just twenty years after the destruction of Hiroshima, to focus on a Caucasian madman performing Mengeleian medical experiments in his pursuit of world domination.
 
Contemporary audiences who pick up the Dark Sky DVD of TERROR BENEATH THE SEA may likely be drawn in by the star appearance of Sonny Chiba.  Perhaps best known in the United States as the dedicated swordmaker Hattori Hanzo in KILL BILL, VOL. 1, whose director, Quentin Tarantino, paid tribute to the actor in his screenplay for TRUE ROMANCE, Chiba tore, gouged and kicked his way across grindhouses and drive-ins during the 1970’s as the star of THE STREET FIGHTER, a brutal action movie that was notorious for being the first to receive an X rating for violence from the MPAA.  Chiba’s graceless but undeniably effective fighting style earned him quite a following in crude martial-arts adventures like THE BODYGUARD and three STREET FIGHTER sequels, but, in 1966, he was still “Shin-Ichi Chiba”, a handsome 27-year-old known in Japan for playing superheroes on TV.
 
Chiba doesn’t pull out anybody’s eyeballs or crunch any skulls in TERROR BENEATH THE SEA, sorry to say, but he still gets to prove his leading-man chops during the climax, a delightful cacophony of slaughter and destruction that looks cribbed from the popular James Bond movies of the period.  Director Sato’s coolly staged man-into-monster transformation scene is the film’s most memorable, and the shivers it induces resonate later in the film when Ken and Jenny become partial victims of Dr. Heim’s process and have to play the final reels with makeup resembling rubber cement dripping from their faces.  For a foreign correspondent, Jenny is something of a helpless simp, but Neal is lovely and reminiscent of Scarlett Johansson (oh, for a Hollywood remake!).  All of the actors have been dubbed--they spoke English on the set, so the lip-synching matches just fine--but Franz Gruber’s performance as Brown of the Navy is so astonishingly hammy that the voice actor must have loaded up on coffee to match the same intensity.
 
TERROR BENEATH THE SEA shouldn’t be considered a major Japanese classic on the level of Toho’s GODZILLA or even the eerily moody MATANGO, but it is colorful, silly fun, and it provides a dashing, early look at one of Japan’s biggest movie stars:  “The Incredible” Sonny Chiba.
 
TERROR BY NIGHT (1946)--Directed by Roy William Neill.  Stars Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Dennis Hoey, Alan Mowbray, Mary Forbes.  Entertaining if not especially interesting entry in Universal's Sherlock Holmes series that takes place on a train heading from London to Edinburgh.  Holmes (Rathbone) is retained by Lady Carstairs (Forbes) to protect her diamond, the Star of Rhodesia, a 400 carat-plus monster that she believes is the target of thieves.  Of course, once Holmes' bumbling rival, Scotland Yard inspector Lestrade (Hoey), gets involved, the gem is no longer safe, and after a murder, a light-fingered switch or two and a handful of red herrings, Holmes discovers that the culprit is the sinister Colonel Sebastian Moran, the top lieutenant in the gang of his dead archenemy Professor Moriarty.  However, no one has ever seen Moran, which means he could be masquerading as anyone, from the seemingly innocuous porter to the affable chum of Holmes' partner Watson (Bruce), the avuncular Major Duncan-Bleek (Mowbray).  One of four Universal Holmes entries to have fallen into the public domain, TERROR is a decent mystery, led by the familiar performances of Rathbone and Bruce, who by this point could play their roles in their sleep.  The film's train setting leads to a bit of claustrophobia when staging action, but at a mere 54 minutes, TERROR goes by too fast to notice.  Also with Renee Godfrey, Frederick Worlock, Geoffrey Steele and Skelton Knaggs.

TERROR FIRMER (1999)--Directed by Lloyd Kaufman. Stars Will Keenan, Alyce LaTourelle, Trent Haaga, Lloyd Kaufman. Yale graduate Kaufman, president and co-founder of Troma Films, is virtually the only studio executive around who still gets down and dirty and actually makes movies. Love 'em or hate 'em, there's no mistaking a Troma movie for anything else, and while TERROR FIRMER, which also stars Kaufman as a bumbling filmmaker, delivers enough gore, nudity and bad taste to entertain its core audience, it also boasts a sweet love story and enough biting behind-the-scenes satire to turn on more sophisticated audience members with enough patience to look for it.

Loosely based upon Kaufman's autobiography, ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT FILMMAKING, I LEARNED FROM THE TOXIC AVENGER, TERROR FIRMER chronicles the making of a low-budget horror movie being lensed in New York City by blind director Larry Benjamin (Kaufman). Shooting on the streets of the Big Apple is difficult enough, but it's even more so when your cast and crew is being systematically slaughtered by a hermaphrodite serial killer. Among Benjamin's crew are good-natured soundman Casey (Keenan), naive production assistant Jennifer (LaTourelle) and obnoxious special-effects artist Jerry, who tumble into a complicated love triangle.

One of TERROR FIRMER's first scenes shows the killer ripping off a man's leg and beating him to death with it, then tearing a screaming, bloody fetus out of a pregnant woman's womb. That should give you a pretty decent idea of what you're in for, and even though the torrent of blood and sick humor was just too much for my tastes, I did appreciate Kaufman's ambition in putting more substance into the movie than he really had to. The actors may be unfamiliar faces, but they are energetic, and their performances--along with the slick cinematography, tight pacing and boisterous humor and sound effects--go a long way towards lifting the movie above the usual Troma fare. Kaufman is hilariously broad as the clueless Benjamin ("We've got exploding breasts here, and that's far more historically significant!"), while LaTourelle's fresh-faced sweetness stands out amid her crude surroundings.

Also with Debbie Rochon, Yaniv Sharon (whose fat, naked romp through Times Square is one of the film's highlights), porn legend Ron Jeremy, Gary Hrbek, Lisa Gaye, Motorhead's Lemmy, talk show host Joe Franklin and SOUTH PARK creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

TERROR IN THE AISLES (1983)--Directed by Andrew Kuehn. Stars Donald Pleasence, Nancy Allen. Advertised and released as a collection of scenes from nearly 40 years of horror movies. Some of the clips are very cool (ALIEN, SCANNERS, THE EXORCIST), but why are films like NIGHTHAWKS and TO CATCH A THIEF represented? Worth watching for all the scary parts. Pleasence and Allen appear in wraparound bits hosting various segments.

TERROR IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE (1958)--Directed by William S. Edwards. Stars Gerald Mohr, Cathy O'Donnell. A man (Mohr) takes his new wife back to her childhood home. The house causes nightmares to occur. The film was banned for its "Psychorama" gimmick, consisting of subliminal cuts of skulls and scary messages that were supposed to cause subconscious reactions. All it really does is give you a headache.

TERROR IN THE JUNGLE (1968)—Directed by Tom DeSimone, Andy Janczak and Alex Grattan.  If more people knew about it, I'm convinced that 1968's TERROR IN THE JUNGLE would be renowned as one of the worst movies ever made. The filmmakers went all the way to Peru to shoot this Crown International potboiler, but it hardly seems worth the effort. The jungle footage is barely more authentic-looking than a Bomba movie, and it may just as well have been filmed in Florida.

TERROR is the work of three (!) credited directors: Tom DeSimone (credited with Plane Sequence), Alexander Grattan (Temple Sequence) and Andy Janczak (Jungle Sequence). Any scene set elsewhere, who knows who directed it? Each director looks as though he had his own cinematographer (and perhaps film stock), and I highly doubt DeSimone ever left California. His footage is the funniest, as the movie sets up an array of stock characters Irwin Allen-style, including some nuns, a struggling starlet, a rock band (with awful wigs) and a 5-year-old boy traveling alone to meet his mother in Rio de Janeiro. All the character development is wasted after the plane crashes 25 minutes into the movie, and almost everyone is killed, either by the crash or by hungry crocodiles. It's difficult to say which element of this part of the film is funniest: the incredibly poor acting, the cheap sets, the laughable special effects, the ridiculous song ("Sweet Lips"?) performed by the band, the dead nun that pitches forward out of her coffin (which is stored standing up in the baggage area!) or the stupid plot. Bravo, Tom DeSimone, who went on to a career making gay porn and Hollywood trash (like CHATTERBOX and ANGEL III: THE FINAL CHAPTER).

The lone survivor of the plane crash is the little boy, Henry, who is portrayed by one of cinema's shittiest child actors. All he pretty much does is cry his wimpy ass off, and I can only imagine the ways in which the directors terrorized him, because all his crying jags have to be real. In no way is this kid a good enough actor to fake it. Henry is captured by a tribe of Jivaro natives, who are convinced he is the son of their god after the chief sees a terrible special effect/blinking yellow glow emanating from the kid's blond hair. Only one native disbelieves, and keeps trying to convince the chief to kill the brat.

Meanwhile, the boy's father, Henry Sr., learns about the plane crash and travels to South America to find his son. He hooks up with a priest, who takes Henry to see another priest deep in the jungle. Priest #2 says he can get some natives to guide them to the Jivaros' village if Priest #1 will give up his robe and his rosary to one of them. Priest #1 is surprisingly reluctant, considering a little kid's life is at risk, but I can understand why he wouldn't want to traipse through the jungle in his undershirt.

Back at the village, the chief is finally convinced to kill the kid, but a friendly native and his posse start a riot. Many huts are burned down, many natives are stabbed to death (the stabbings are all filmed using animation!), and little Henry escapes. Just when he's about to be grabbed and stabbed by the one evil native, his stuffed toy leopard somehow transforms into a real leopard (!) and mauls the guy to death.

The whiny kid gets away (and the leopard changes back into a toy), but falls into some "quicksand" (in reality, a two-foot hole in a mud puddle). While a stock-footage python stalks him, he yells for his daddy, who manages to be within earshot and runs to rescue his son. This is done by laying on his chest in a puddle, while his companions grab his legs and pretend he's in danger of being sucked into that 1/8-inch-deep water.

Dad "pulls" his kid to safety, "The End" appears on the screen, and Crown International has successfully ripped off another audience. Amazingly, considering how obscure this movie must be (was it ever even on VHS?), the print I saw was in darned good shape. Millions of dollars are spent repairing and enhancing damaged negatives of brilliant films like VERTIGO and LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. Meanwhile, TERROR IN THE JUNGLE is available in bright color without a splice or scratch on it. That's Hollywood for you.

TERROR IN TOYLAND (1980)--See CHRISTMAS EVIL.

THE TERROR OF THE TONGS (1961)--Directed by Anthony Bushell.  Stars Christopher Lee, Geoffrey Toone, Yvonne Monlaur.  Hong Kong, 1910.  The Red Dragon Tong, a brutal gang led by the imperial Chung King (Lee), uses scare tactics and extreme violence, usually involving chopping off somebody's fingers, to control the Chinese populace.  When the teenage daughter of British ship's captain Jackson Sale (Toone) is murdered by the tong, Sale decides to stand up to them, punching and being punched all the way across the city and onto the waterfront, where the Red Dragon has its headquarters.  Beautiful French actress Monlaur (THE BRIDES OF DRACULA) plays a Chinese slave girl who aids--and falls in love with--Sale.  Although not a horror movie, this Hammer period adventure sometimes plays like one, as it's surprisingly bloody at times and features a steady performance by Lee (which prefigures the Fu Manchu character he would later portray in five films).  It really feels more like a serial, as two-fisted but slightly lunkheaded hero Toone constantly finds himself the target of shots and slugs to the head.  As penned by Jimmy Sangster, scored by James Bernard, and directed by actor Bushell, TONGS contains a few thrills, but is not one of Hammer's finest.  Also with Burt Kwouk, Brian Worth, Roger Delgado, Milton Reid and Barbara Brown.  Very few of the Chinese characters are portrayed by Asian actors.

TERROR ON A TRAIN (1953)--Directed by Ted Tetzlaff. Stars Glenn Ford, Anne Vernon, Maurice Denham, Victor Maddern. A taut little British-made B-picture directed by an Oscar-nominated cinematographer, TERROR ON A TRAIN (released in England as TIME BOMB) stars movie star Ford as an American explosives expert called in by British authorities when a cargo train carrying land mines left over from World War II is sabotaged by Maddern (PSYCHO-CIRCUS). Most of the barely-an-hour running time focuses on Ford's attempt to find the bomb in time, while his French wife Vernon (born Edith Vignaud) wanders the English countryside trying to decide whether or not to leave her workaholic husband. It's too bad Tetzlaff had so little confidence in the main story, since the Vernon subplot is uninteresting and serves only as padding. Ford and Denham, who plays a detective assisting Ford in his search, do nice work together, and the search for the deadly explosive is the film's real bread-and-butter. Also with Harcourt Williams, John Horsley and Herbert C. Walton as an eccentric old coot who really likes trains. Music by John Addison.

TERROR ON ALCATRAZ (1986)—Directed by Philip Marcus.  Stars Aldo Ray.  Frank Morris (Ray) is the only prisoner to ever escape from the maximum security penitentiary located on Alcatraz Island off the San Franciscan coast.  Two decades later, he returns to “The Rock” to find clues to the location of a safe deposit box containing stolen loot.  Going ashore with a group of tourists, Morris sneaks away to hide until nighttime when he can move freely about the prison without being spotted.  Unfortunately, some of the tour group decides to sneak back onto the island to party, forcing Frank to chop them up one by one to prevent his discovery.  This movie contains more WTF moments than almost any movie I’ve seen.  The continuity errors alone could fill a chapter.  Much of the film takes place at night, yet Marcus filmed everything in the daytime and made absolutely no effort to disguise the fact, not even day-for-night cinematography.  At least you’ll be thrilled when Morris starts knocking off the cast, because they’re a most annoying bunch, including a jackass who knows everything there is to know about Alcatraz—and isn’t shy about sharing it—the woman who is inexplicably attracted to him, a fat cokehead lawyer who looks like Michael Moore, a horny couple, and a crazed Indian who wants the island returned to his people.  Some of the plot twists are far beyond idiotic, and wait ‘til you get a load of the ending.  This is a terrible movie with terrible performances (I wonder how much whiskey Aldo was slugging every day), but strangely watchable for bad-movie fans.  Also with Sandy Brooke, Scott Ryder, Alisa Wilson and Veronica Porche Ali, the ex-wife of the great heavyweight champ.

TERROR ON TAPE (1985)--Directed by Robert A. Worms III. Stars Cameron Mitchell, Michelle Bauer. Collection of gory clips from other videos released by Continental Video. Some of the titles are VAMPIRE HOOKERS, CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD and Fred Olen Ray's SCALPS. Some of the stars featured within the clips are James Earl Jones, John Carradine and Lydia Cornell. It's hard to watch so much brutal and bloody footage cut together like this. Mitchell hosts the wraparound segments as the zombie-like owner of a video store (a very cheap-looking set) trying to frighten his customers by showing them these clips. Bauer scores as a leather-wearing sexpot who can only achieve orgasm by being scared.

TERROR ON THE BEACH (1973)--Directed by Paul Wendkos.  Stars Dennis Weaver, Susan Dey, Estelle Parsons, Kristoffer Tabori, Scott Hylands.  Mix elements of DUEL, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and HOT RODS TO HELL, and you get this diverting made-for-TV thriller.  Weaver, the model of middle-aged angst, plays the patriarch of the Glynn family, which includes housewife Parsons, rebellious son Tabori and feminist college student Dey.  On a weekend camping trip meant to recapture the fun old days when the Glynns were a normal happy family, they're terrorized by a group of hippies who run them off the road with their dune buggies and customized fire truck.  Tabori wants to turn them in to the cops, but pipe-smoking Weaver, who's comfortable in his 9-to-5 white-collar world, decides to ignore them and go on with the trip as if nothing happened.  However, the hazing and hounding continues throughout the weekend after the Glynns make camp on the beach, leading the typical American family to revert to savagery to survive.  Good performances and Wendkos' tight direction make this a watchable potboiler.  Although the hippies seem relatively harmless--more of a nuisance than a real threat--TERROR was made when the Manson Family was still in the public conscience and young people with long hair were something to be scared of.  Roberta Collins, Carole Ita White and Michael Christian costar.  Music by Billy Goldenberg.

TERROR ON THE 40TH FLOOR (1974)—Directed by Jerry Jameson. Stars John Forsythe, Joseph Campanella, Lynn Carlin, Don Meredith, Anjanette Comer, Laurie Heineman, Kelly Jean Peters. NBC managed to beat Irwin Allen to the punch, televising this made-for-TV ripoff of THE TOWERING INFERNO three months before the latter film’s theatrical release. Seven employees lingering after the office Christmas party are trapped in a skyscraper while a fire rages below them. Judging from the way the fire initially spreads, the contractors probably shouldn’t have used gas-soaked cardboard as building materials. Writers Jack Turley and Edward Montagne intercut flashbacks involving the partiers’ personal lives, because, you know, people trapped in a blazing highrise isn’t interesting enough. VP Forsythe, scheming exec Campanella, and silver-tongued salesman Meredith try to lead the ladies to safety. The fire scenes are executed fairly well by a director who would go on to the big-screen AIRPORT ’77, but the dialogue and plotting are perfunctory at best. Norman Alden has the Steve McQueen part. Also with Danny Goldman, Pippa Scott, Bob Hastings, Hank Brandt, and Tracy Brooks Swope. Music by Vic Mizzy.

TERROR SQUAD (1987)--Directed by Peter Maris.  Stars Chuck Connors, Brodie Greer.  This lunkheaded action movie manages to rip off both THE BREAKFAST CLUB and RED DAWN.  Four Libyan terrorists invade Kokomo, Indiana (!), first by blasting a pair of rockets at a nuclear power plant, and then leading police chief Rawlings (Connors) on one of the longest car chases I've ever seen, mowing down civilians left and right in a blustery display of exploding cars and drive-by violence.  Eventually down to two, the terrorists burst into the local high school and take a group of detention hall students and their teacher hostage.  Like THE BREAKFAST CLUB, the teacher is a jerk and the students consist of a dumb jock, a computer nerd, a rock-and-roll hood, two cheerleader types and a punk chick.

If more people knew about it, it probably would have rented like crazy after September 11, 2001.  It confirms all our worst fears about American-hating terrorists with dark skin invading the helpless Midwest--not even fresh-faced white cheerleaders are safe from the monster horde--but also soothes them by showing them receiving their just desserts from God-loving ordinary teens.  Although TERROR SQUAD packs a lot of action into its 92 minutes, it isn't terribly exciting or interesting, beyond the novelty of its protracted chase scene.  The finale, in which the terrorists escape aboard one school bus only to have it, through the magic of poor continuity, transform into a different, much smaller bus for its final stunt, is pretty laughable.

None of the performances stand out.  Connors, who mostly stands around in a Brooklyn Dodgers jacket shouting through a bullhorn and telling his aggressive SWAT expert (Greer, who was a regular on CHIPS) not to shoot, is wasted, and none of the young actors went on to much of a career.  Also with Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), Bill Calvert, Budge Threlkeld and Jill Sanders, who finagled a special "Introducing" credit.  The maddening synth score is by Chuck Cirino.  Kokomo's real-life citizens served as extras, giving the film a slightly larger feel.  Connors played one game for the Dodgers in 1949.

TERROR TRAIN (1980)—Directed by Roger Spottiswoode.  Stars Ben Johnson, Jamie Lee Curtis, David Copperfield, Hart Bochner.  Spottiswoode, formerly an editor on Sam Peckinpah movies, made his directorial debut with this slasher flick before going on to studio fare like UNDER FIRE and TOMORROW NEVER DIES.  As a slasher movie, TERROR TRAIN disappoints, because the murders occur off-screen and the gore quotient is about what you’d see on a typical CSI episode.  However, Spottiswoode does create a highly suspenseful final half-hour with the aid of a bizarre gender-bending plot twist.  Three years after a bunch of college freshman drove a classmate mad with a cruel prank, they rent an old-fashioned steam train for one last big New Year’s Eve/graduation costume party.  As the old train (with no radio) plows through the Quebec night, various partygoers are gruesomely killed off, much to the consternation of the fatherly conductor (Johnson).  It eventually dawns on Alana (Curtis) that the killer is mainly stalking the students who participated in that awful practical joke three years earlier…and she was one of them.  Curtis, who made this two months after completing PROM NIGHT, shows why she was one of horror’s great Final Girls, properly vulnerable, yet able to put up a fight when necessary.  TERROR TRAIN isn’t in the upper echelon of slasher flicks, but the professional direction, distinctive cinematography by John Alcott (BARRY LYNDON), sharp musical score by John Mills-Cockell, and likeable perfs by Curtis and Johnson make it worth a spin.  Also with Vanity, Sandee Currie, Derek McKinnon and Timothy Webber.

THE TERRORISTS (1986)—Directed by Imam Tantowi. Stars Barry Prima, El Manik. In case you were wondering, yep, DIE HARD played in Indonesia too. Asian action star Prima is the Bruce Willis character in this laughable movie about terrorist Gozal (Manik) and his gang of bank robbers who take hostages inside a hospital. Here comes Prima as a SWAT team captain to infiltrate the hospital and take the baddies out one at a time. Indonesian action movies like THE STABILIZER are freaking crazy, and this badly paced concoction is no exception. Scenes take place one after another with no attempt to introduce the characters or situations. A building blows up, people fight, ridiculously dubbed actors babble insane dialogue in rooms lined with wood paneling. Many of the action scenes blow up unconvincing miniatures or, like a truck smashing its way down a hospital corridor (!), use poorly color-timed or out-of-focus rear projection. It’s no different from what Robert Rodriguez and other directors do today with virtual green-screen sets, but much worse. It’s a real scream. Prima doesn’t show up until fifty minutes into the film and gets no intro, buildup, or even a character name that I heard.

THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974)--Directed by Tobe Hooper. Stars Marilyn Burns, Gunnar Hansen, Paul A. Partain, Edwin Neal, Jim Siedow. Routinely listed as one of the most frightening horror films ever made, this low-budget 16mm treasure has been written about by everyone from fanboy bloggers to academicians with the same amount of reverence. On the face of it, its plot about five young people on a roadtrip across Texas who encounter a family of murderous cannibals isn’t much. But of course, the power of the debut feature of Hooper and co-writer Kim Henkel isn’t in its story, but in its colorfully crazed villains and unrelenting sense of dread and terror. Flashes of visual wit (including literal “armchairs”) in Robert Burns’ art direction and Marilyn Burns’ incredibly game performance as the most abused victim help propel the film far ahead of other independently produced horror pictures of the era. Also with Allen Danziger, Terri McMinn, William Vail, and a young disc jockey named John Larroquette as the opening narrator. Hooper went on to do many more horror films, including EATEN ALIVE, THE FUNHOUSE, and POLTERGEIST, but never again approached the mastery of his first.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986)--Directed by Tobe Hooper. Stars Dennis Hopper, Caroline Williams. They're ba-ack! Hooper introduces a slicker look, but not necessarily more scares, as the South's favorite cannibal family attacks a small-town radio station and its cute nighttime DJ (Williams). Dennis Hopper has a mad time as the uncle of a previous victim out for revenge. The sight of Hopper in a ten-gallon hat and holsters carrying twin chainsaws is one to behold. Also with Jim Siedow (also in the original), Bill Moseley and Bill Johnson as Leatherface. Film was released unrated thanks to Tom Savini's sick makeup effects and some very disturbing sets. One scene has Leatherface cutting off a victims face and draping the skin over his own face! "Sex is...well, nobody knows, but the Saw...the Saw is Family!"

TEXAS DETOUR (1978)—Directed by Hikmet Avedis.  Stars Patrick Wayne, Mitch Vogel, Lindsay Bloom, Cameron Mitchell, Priscilla Barnes, Anthony James, R.G. Armstrong.  Hollywood stuntman Clay (Wayne), his country-western-singing brother Dale (Vogel), and their sister Sugar (Bloom) are stranded in a dusty Texas town after their souped-up van is swiped on the road to Nashville.  The local sheriff (Armstrong) calls them hippies and doesn’t even ask for a description of the van.  Big-city youths, small Southern town—you can guess where the story goes from here.  Their main nemesis is Beau Hunter (James), whose father John (Mitchell) runs the town and sister Claudia (Barnes, who goes topless) falls for Clay.  Bar fighting, dirt bike racing, horseback riding, rape, and mayhem dot this redneck action movie, which is pretty decent for a Hikmet/Howard Avedis joint.  Mitchell’s character makes no sense, and subplots involving escaped convicts and a stabbing murder are thrown away.  A haphazardly edited climax involves a van jumping over a bridge and some exploding cars.  The (good) score and many rock songs are by Flo & Eddie (Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman of The Turtles).

TEXAS LIGHTNING (1981)--Directed by Gary Graver.  Stars Cameron Mitchell, Channing Mitchell, Peter Jason, Maureen McCormick.  This strange hybrid of redneck comedy, coming-of-age drama and action movie was directed by prolific cinematographer Graver and stars genre fave Cameron Mitchell alongside his real-life son Channing.  It's the worst weekend of Buddy Stover's (Channing) year-the weekend when he's forced to accompany his father Karl (Cameron) and Karl's loudmouthed buddies on their annual hunting trip.  Buddy is what you might call a "tender" or "sensitive" lad, nothing like his macho lout of a dad, who demands that Buddy "become a man" by drinking, harassing women and shooting animals.  Yes, it's a pretty miserable weekend for Buddy, made worse when he meets a cocktail waitress (McCormick) and takes her back to his motel room to lose his virginity, only to have his dad's buddies break in on him and rape her.  Graver's odd sense of taste and tone don't exactly make TEXAS LIGHTNING engaging, but it does provide a certain unpredictability that keeps you watching, if only to find out what extreme he'll jump to next.  BRADY BUNCH fans might get a kick out of seeing Marcia Brady (McCormick) smoke, drink, make out, and parade around in revealing outfits.  Also with Adam Wade, Charles Dierkop, J.L. Clark and Lisa DeLeeuw.  Filmed in California.

THAT MAN BOLT (1973)--Directed by Henry Levin and David Lowell Rich.  Stars Fred Williamson.  It's rare to see two directors credited unless they were working in tandem.  Levin began shooting in Hong Kong, but fell ill and was replaced by Rich, who had been directing a lot of TV for Universal.  Both directors were miscast; while BOLT contains a lot of chasing, fighting and shooting, jumping from Hong Kong to Los Angeles to Las Vegas back to Hong Kong, it feels a bit lifeless except for Williamson's grinning charm.  The Hammer is Jefferson Bolt, a professional courier who is blackmailed into transporting a million bucks from Hong Kong to Mexico City.  He never makes it south of the American border, as he is waylaid at LAX and discovers the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist contains what he believes to be counterfeit cash.  Ranald McDougall's screenplay lost me on occasion, but Bolt eventually ends up back where he started, invading the island stronghold of a Japanese gangster named Yamada and blowing stuff up just like he does at the end of THREE THE HARD WAY.  Give credit to Universal for not steeping BOLT in a bunch of blaxploitation clichés; with just a few dialogue tweaks, BOLT could just as easily have starred Robert Wagner.  More energy and perhaps a bit more budget would have improved this film a lot, although it was nice to finally see this film that was difficult to find on home video before Universal's 2005 DVD release.  Teresa Graves sings a couple of tunes as Fred's sacrificial lamb.  Also with Byron Webster, Jack Ging, Paul Mantee, Miko Mayama and Masatoshi Nakamura.  Charles Bernstein's score works hard to compensate for the lackluster direction.

THAT WAS ROCK (1984)--Directed by Larry Peerce and Steve Binder.  Stars Chuck Berry.  THE T.A.M.I. SHOW and THE BIG TNT SHOW are two of the most popular concert films ever made.  Both were shot live in Los Angeles and featured the world’s biggest pop, rock and R&B artists of the early 1960’s performing hits.  For some reason (music rights?), neither is on home video, but this compilation of acts from both films was made for video with Berry doing wraparound intros.  Not all that performed on 1965’s T.A.M.I. or 1966’s TNT made the THAT WAS ROCK tape, but among the ones who did were the Rolling Stones, Ike and Tina Turner, a kickass James Brown, Marvin Gaye, the Supremes, the Ronettes, Lesley Gore, Gerry and the Pacemakers and several others.  The Stones got the honor of closing THE T.A.M.I. SHOW, but they were overshadowed by Brown, admittedly a tough act to follow.

THAT'S ACTION! (1990)--Directed by David A. Prior. Stars Robert Culp. Culp (who should have known better) hosts this collection of action clips from straight-to-video movies released by Prior's Action International Pictures. These features are all pretty awful, and despite the chases, explosions and stunts, it's hard to sit through all 78 minutes. Some of the actors who pop in the clips are David Carradine, Oliver Reed, Persis Khambatta, John Philip Law, Cameron Mitchell, Reb Brown, Dan Haggerty, Robert Ginty and Ted Prior. Their careers must all be in worse shape than Culp's to actually appear in these AIP turkeys.

THEATER OF BLOOD (1973)--Directed by Douglas Hickox. Stars Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, Ian Hendry. One of Price's greatest performances was as Edward Lionheart, a Shakespearean actor with a healthy ego who was believed killed in a suicide attempt after failing to win a Best Actor award from a circle of London drama critics. A year later--with the aid of his beautiful daughter Edwina (Rigg)--Lionheart begins killing off members of the Critics Circle one by one, drawing his methods of murder directly from Shakespeare's plays (beheading, gorging, burning, etc.).

Obviously inspired by Price's DR. PHIBES films, THEATER OF BLOOD does that series one better by allowing Price to express himself verbally (Phibes was mute and could only communicate in voiceover). The part of an underappreciated ham actor was tailor-made for Price, whose good taste in art and culture must have clashed with the sleazy horror films in which he often found himself. He is excellent, and well matched by Rigg (THE AVENGERS), who dons a series of (unconvincing) disguises to help lure his victims to their doom. Price's guise as a gay hairdresser with a huge blonde Afro is pretty wild. Gorier than you might expect considering the classy supporting cast: Harry Andrews, Coral Browne (Mrs. Vincent Price), Robert Coote, Robert Morley, Jack Hawkins, Dennis Price, Milo O'Shea, Madeline Smith and Diana Dors. Lush score by Michael J. Lewis. From the London-born director of BRANNIGAN.

THELMA AND LOUISE (1991)--Directed by Ridley Scott. Stars Susan Sarandon, Geena Davis, Harvey Keitel. Critically acclaimed movie with an Oscar-winning screenplay (by Callie Khouri) was highly influential in getting other female-oriented action movies made. Sarandon and Davis are white trash fleeing from uninvolving jobs and unhappy love lives who find themselves being chased by the FBI across the Utah desert for a killing committed under extenuating circumstances. Keitel is excellent (in a rare mainstream role) as a sympathetic FBI agent in charge of the pursuit. Also with Christopher McDonald, Stephen Tobolowsky, Michael Madsen and Brad Pitt in his breakthrough role as a smooth-talking cowboy who hooks up with Davis. Features a controversial (but cool) ending that was almost changed by Scott after test audiences expressed their satisfaction with it.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (2007)—Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.  Stars Daniel Day-Lewis, Paul Dano, Dillon Freasier.  Anderson’s most ambitious film to date is this period piece based on an Upton Sinclair novel.  It traces oil magnate Daniel Plainview (Day-Lewis) from the late 1800s, when he was a simple, lonely prospector breaking his back and breaking rocks in search of a big score, to his massive success nearly two decades later.  Day-Lewis and Anderson have created a marvelous character in Plainview, one of enormous charisma, a taste for wealth and power, and a memorable voice (which must have been based on John Huston’s).  He barely has any personal life, outside of son H.W. (Freasier), probably because his only joy comes through finding oil and adding to his wealth.  Robert Elswit’s rich photography and Jack Fisk’s expressive set design meshes with Anderson’s fluid direction to create a beautiful work of art that’s often told in long takes, all the better to let the good cast take control.  Also with Ciaran Hinds, Kevin J. O’Connor and David Willis.  I thought Jonny Greenwood’s atonal soundtrack was the film’s greatest weakness, but your mileage may vary.

THEY CALL HER…CLEOPATRA WONG (1978)—Directed by Bobby A. Suarez.  Stars Marrie Lee.  Nuns with guns.  Slow-motion deaths.  Hot girls and bad kung fu.  Sex scenes with lots of neck kissing.  If this sounds good to you, leap in with both feet.  Lee (real name: Doris Young) was a teenager when the director of THE ONE-ARMED EXECUTIONER discovered her and cast her as Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong in this Philippines/Singapore production.  After a cool prologue showing the sexy Miss Wong fighting, shooting arrows, and getting funky on the disco floor, her boss interrupts her vacation in Manila to send her on an urgent mission.  Who is flooding Asia with counterfeit currency aimed at bankrupting the countries?  Would you believe nuns who make strawberry jam at their convent and smuggle the phony dough inside jam jars?  Suarez, who also wrote and produced this wonder, runs into a slow spot now and then, but the badly choreographed action scenes and spunky heroine add up to a good time.  Lee is no fighter, but she’s certainly a looker.  Suarez and Lee made two more Cleopatra Wong movies together.  I’m not certain how well any of them were distributed in the United States.

THEY CALL ME BRUCE? (1982)--Directed by Elliot Hong. Stars Johnny Yune, Margaux Hemingway, Pam Huntington. It's pretty scary just how dumb this comedy is. Stand-up comic Yune plays a karate school flunkout who becomes a cook for the mob. He accidentally foils a robbery, and becomes a hero to the public, but a target for the Mafia. Some pretty lame humor, but Huntington is great to look at. THEY STILL CALL ME BRUCE was the sequel if you can believe it.

THEY CALL ME MISTER TIBBS! (1970)--Directed by Gordon Douglas. Stars Sidney Poitier, Barbara McNair, Martin Landau. Sequel to IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT finds homicide detective Virgil Tibbs (Poitier) in San Francisco, where his preacher friend (Landau) is the number-one suspect in the murder of a prostitute. Tibbs also has domestic troubles, including his frustrated wife (McNair) and his rebellious adolescent son. A well-made but pretty standard crime drama bolstered by Poitier and a good supporting cast, including Anthony Zerbe, David Sheiner, Edward Asner and Jeff Corey. The title was a Poitier quote from IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT. Alan R. Trustman and James R. Webb scripted. Score by Quincy Jones. Poitier reportedly directed some scenes himself; he made his official directorial debut with '72's BUCK AND THE PREACHER. The adventures of Virgil Tibbs continued in '71's THE ORGANIZATION and in the TV series IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT starring Howard Rollins and Carroll O'Connor.

THEY LIVE (1988)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Roddy Piper, Keith David, Meg Foster, Raymond St. Jacques. Paranoid science fiction about a nameless construction worker (Piper) who comes across a mysterious pair of sunglasses that reveals some humans to be aliens. When Piper learns of the aliens' plan to brainwash the human race and conquer the Earth, he and co-worker David join an underground movement to stop them. An interesting Reagan-bashing premise and screenplay by Carpenter that results in one of his best (and underappreciated) films. Pro wrestler Piper makes a valiant acting debut, and he and David engage in one of the longest fistfights in film history. Music by Carpenter and Alan Howarth.

THEY (2002)--Directed by Robert Harmon.  Stars Laura Regan, Ethan Embry, Marc Blucas, Dagmara Dominczyk, Jon Abrahams.  When buying the Wes Craven brand name these days, one never knows which Wes he's going to get.  Will it be the Craven who delivered some of horror's most memorable contemporary classics, such as THE HILLS HAVE EYES, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and SCREAM (I would also throw into this lot the underrated Hittite chiller DEADLY BLESSING, which stars Ernest Borgnine and a then-unknown Sharon Stone).  Or schlockmeister Craven, whose films like SHOCKER and DEADLY FRIEND leave audiences more bored and bewildered than frightened.  But in recent years, a new Wes has emerged:  the one who "presents" movies.  This has led to features like WES CRAVEN PRESENTS MIND RIPPER, WES CRAVEN PRESENTS CARNIVAL OF SOULS and WES CRAVEN'S WISHMASTER, major dogs that Craven had little or nothing to do with, but were sold to the public by using his name, the equivalent of buying a McDonald's Happy Meal and finding a convenience-store Poor Boy inside of it.

The latest release from the Dimension Films scare factory is THEY, which is billed as "A Wes Craven Presentation", even though Craven's name appears nowhere else in the credits, not even as executive producer, a nebulous credit routinely bestowed upon everyone from agents to stars' relatives.  The irony is that THEY is actually much better than the other films Craven has "presented", making it a mystery why his, um, participation in this one is less notable.  It has a terrific premise, a properly chilling opening, and a couple of fine performances, yet suffers from "PG-13-itis", a chicken-hearted reticence to develop its genre trappings far enough to offer titillation instead of tease and the visceral satisfaction the material requires.

Writer Brendan William Hood's concept is a strong one:  what if the spooky things that scared you as a child, like monsters under the bed or in the closet, were actually real, and after you grew up, they came back to drag you away?  In the effective pre-credits opening, we see such a thing happen to little Billy, whose cries to Mommy for help go unheeded as the lad is dragged, jammies and all, under the bed screaming.  Nineteen years later, Billy (now played by BOSTON PUBLIC's Jon Abrahams) is back, but an emotional wreck, constantly calling upon his childhood friend Julia Lund (Laura Regan) for late-night soul searching and paranoia-soothing pep talks.  Their common ground is the "night terrors" both suffered as children and which have led Julia to pursue her Master's degree in psychology.

With her thesis presentation on the way and her city being tormented by tumultuous thunderstorms and power outages, Julia's life is thrown into further disarray when Billy, ranting about monsters from the dark and a mysterious wound on his hand, commits suicide in front of her.  At the funeral, she meets two of Billy's friends, arty couple Sam (Ethan Embry) and Terry (Dagmara Dominczyk), who also suffered from night terrors as children and believe the same spook-show denizens that drove Billy to kill himself are stalking them.  It's a story too outlandish for Julia to believe, that is until the same wound that manifested on Billy appears on her as well.

Director Robert Harmon, whose creepshow credits include THE HITCHER, knows the mechanics of horror movie-making and that the terrors that are merely suggested can be much worse than those we can see.  The "they" are never seen clearly, just glimpses of dark, indistinct bat-like creatures that move quickly and kill even faster.  Like SEVEN, the world Julia inhabits seems drenched in night and continuous rainfall, and the sense of isolation is heightened by the film's shortage of extraneous characters.  However, THEY is unwilling to go far enough to satisfy the requirements of a good horror film.  The body count is much too low, and when a character does meet his or her end, it's done in quick flashes and demure cutaways.  How can we as an audience be frightened of these night terrors if we don't know what happens to their victims?  Is it a painful death?  Are they chopped up and eaten?  Are they sentenced to an eternity of watching the trailer for THE HOT CHICK?  As far as we know, they're just dragged away into limbo.  Dimension's hunt for the Almighty PG-13 becomes especially distracting in scenes involving female nudity.  Every fifteen minutes, Harmon teases us with a shower scene or bedroom scene that I suppose is supposed to tantalize the audience, but merely becomes annoying in its acrobatic attempt to avoid nudity (one woman even showers in her swimsuit, for crying out loud).  A scene in which a bra-and-panties-clad Julia asks her boyfriend Paul (Marc Blucas) to check her body for sores becomes hilariously absurd when she asks if he has checked every inch of her, since it's obvious that he hasn't looked everywhere.

Regan does an effective job making us care about her character.  A gamine combination of Ellen Greene and Mia Farrow, she projects great vulnerability, and even though Hood and Harmon force her character to act foolishly near the end to create false suspense, Regan's determined spunk keeps us in her corner, right up to the surprisingly bleak and ambiguous final image.  It's too bad the rest of THEY isn't as focused, since the promise shown in its opening and closing is squandered by the filmmakers' restraint.

THEY CALL HER ONE EYE--See THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE.

THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN (1989)—Directed by Patrick G. Donahue. Stars Debra Sweaney, Brian Oldfield, Sean Donahue. You see a campy title like this, and you know it must be a Troma pickup. Its alternate title, SAVAGE INSTINCT, probably makes it appear it's more serious than it actually is. It’s director Donahue’s follow-up to his amazing KILL SQUAD. The acting is about on the same level as a porn film, and star Sweaney was obviously the wife or girlfriend of someone on the payroll. This film is virtually all action, and the simple plot pits widow Susan (Sweaney) against a gang of cocaine smugglers led by big, bald Mongo, who’s convincingly played by colorful Olympic shotputter Oldfield. She witnesses their operation, and the chase is on. Kim Bauer has better luck than this chick, as every guy she appeals to for help is also a killer or a rapist. Movie is a huge letdown after KILL SQUAD and less hilarious than Donahue’s later PAROLE VIOLATORS. You expect logic and sense to go out the window with these things, but MACHO WOMAN is even dumber than you expect. Filmed in Santa Clara County, California. The director’s son Sean plays Mongo’s henchman Turk wearing a ridiculously huge nose chain.

THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS (1972)--Directed by James Goldstone. Stars James Garner, Katharine Ross. Two years before THE ROCKFORD FILES debuted, Garner played easy-going Abel Marsh, police chief of sleepy, coastal Eden Landing, California. Abel returns from a week's vacation to discover a local woman, Jenny Campbell, was found dead on the beach near her house. Her pet Doberman is initially blamed for her death, but Abel discovers she actually was drowned in her own bathtub. As Abel continues his investigation, sordid details of Jenny's life are exposed: she left her husband for another woman; she liked to take pornographic photographs; she was pregnant and unmarried at the time of her death. While piecing together the clues, Abel becomes involved with a pretty young veterinarian (Ross), whom Abel learns may also be involved in Mrs. Campbell's death.

Although filmed for theatrical release, THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS has an intimate, small-screen feel that actually works in its favor. Director Goldstone and writer Lane Slate--both television vets--do a nice job establishing Eden Landing's homey setting--the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else in town and the informal police force borrows the official car to take their wives to the dentist. The mystery unfolds in classic fashion, and, although it seems the murderer's identity pops out of nowhere, the script plays fair and sprinkles the right clues if the audience knows where to look for them. Garner is good in a role not far removed from his Rockford persona (although I thought Marsh was a little too mean-spirited at times), and MGM compiled a marvelous cast of supporting actors: Hal Holbrook, June Allyson, Harry Guardino, Ann Rutherford, Tom Ewell, Arthur O'Connell, Edmond O'Brien. Also with Christopher Connelly, Peter Lawford, Art Metrano, Jason Wingreen and Royce Applegate. Perry Botkin, Jr.'s acoustic guitar-and-piano score is excellent. This was the last feature to be shot on MGM's historic backlot. Garner and Ross starred together in MISTER BUDDWING. Slate later worked on THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THEY WERE SO YOUNG (1954)—Directed by Kurt Neumann.  Stars Scott Brady, Raymond Burr, Johanna Matz.  European models answering an ad are brought to Rio de Janeiro, ostensibly to work for an agency, which actually holds the girls prisoner and rents them as sex slaves.  German Eve (Matz) manages to escape, but when the police refuse to believe her story, she ends up on the sleeve of American mining engineer Dick Lanning (Brady).  He buys her tale and takes her to hide out with his friend, the very wealthy Brazilian businessman Jaime Coltos (Burr, not bothering with an accent).  However, when Lanning exposes Coltos as a liar, it seems as though Eve may actually be in worse danger than before.  Neumann (THE FLY) does a good job moving this West German co-production right along.  It doesn’t get bogged down in sleaze, but provides just enough sordid information to let you know just how much danger Eve is in.  Brady and Burr provide strong performances; given the film runs only 77 minutes, the stars aren’t given a lot of time for backstory, but manage to quickly and cleanly provide the audience of just enough history to establish the stakes.  Also with Ingrid Stenn, Kurt Meisel, Gisela Fackeldey and Gert Frobe (GOLDFINGER).

THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE (1984)—Directed by Howard Avedis.  Stars Sybil Danning, Eric Brown, Andrew Prine.  It’s hard to say that the director of THE TEACHER and THE FIFTH FLOOR was ahead of his time, but he might have been in this case.  THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE, which New World released theatrically, plays very much like the sort of erotic thriller that played pay cable ad nauseum after the meteoric success of BASIC INSTINCT in 1992.  It’s half soft porn, half slasher flick and 100% lame.

College student Jay (Brown, basically doing the same shtick he did in PRIVATE LESSONS) is seduced by his super-stacked literature professor Diane (Danning, playing a Ph.D. who teaches MACBETH) into pranking her mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law.  She and her husband Michael (Prine) convince Jay to scare the old biddies into leaving their mansion so they can be committed to an old folk’s home and Michael can control the estate.  The dumb plan goes wrong, and the old women are murdered by a masked assailant.  We know it isn’t Jay, so it must be either Diane or Michael, who have motive.  Or I suppose it could be the alcoholic maid or the creepy gardener.  Oh, hell, maybe Jay’s hot stalker ex-girlfriend or his fat friend who likes mustard on his pizza.

You’ll figure out who the killer is long before the end, not that any of it is plausible.  Despite the number of dead bodies, no one ever calls the cops, and the number of plot contrivances in Avedis and wife Marlene Schmidt’s screenplay is quite staggering.  On the other hand, Sybil pops her top in several shower and sex scenes, ensuring that once you’ve seen this film, you’ll not likely forget it.  She has a staggering body, which is really the only reason you should ever want to tackle this tame thriller.  Also with Paul Clemens, Dominic Brascia, Beth Shaffel, Suzanne Kennedy, Gene Bicknell, K.T. Stevens and Alvy Moore (GREEN ACRES).  Music by Paul Cacavas.

THIEF (1981)--Directed by Michael Mann. Stars James Caan, Tuesday Weld, Jim Belushi, Willie Nelson, Robert Prosky. Caan is very good as an independent-minded jewel thief trying to remain his own boss, despite the influence of mob boss Prosky. Despite the protests from wife Weld, Caan decides to tackle one more job for Prosky before retiring for good and going straight. Country singer Nelson has a warm presence as Caan's prison mentor; Belushi is credible in a dramatic role as Caan's partner on the outside. Mann (in his feature debut) delivers some stirring visuals, and Tangerine Dream's interesting electronic score adds a bit of tension. After this, Caan entered a self-imposed retirement that lasted until 1987's GARDENS OF STONE.

A THIEF IN THE NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Donald W. Thompson.  Stars Patty Dunning, Colleen Niday, Mike Niday, Maryann Rachford, Thom Rachford, Russell S. Doughten Jr.  One of the most widely seen films ever made has probably never been shown in a movie theater, at least not under the circumstances of a regular release.  The first in a series of four independently produced thrillers made by the Iowa-based Mark IV Pictures, A THIEF IN THE NIGHT, according to director Thompson, has been seen by 100 million people, including those who have seen it more than once.  Even if the true figure is half of that (and it probably is at least that), it’s a remarkable feat for a picture that screened, mostly in 16mm prints, in church basements and revival tents for decades.

Thompson and executive producer Doughten’s point was, I suppose, to scare the beejeezus out of church-goers who had not yet committed themselves to Christianity.  A young woman named Patty (Dunning) prefers having fun with her new boyfriend Jim (Mike Niday) to attending church services with her friend Jenny (Colleen Niday), who has just discovered Jesus.  Jim, too, becomes Born Again after a brush with death inflicted by a cobra bite!  One morning, Patty awakens to a newscast announcing that millions of the world’s population has vanished into thin air.  Rushing into the bathroom, Patty finds Jim’s electric razor lying in the sink…he’s gone too.

It appears as though The Rapture has occurred.  Jesus has returned to take all the Christians to heaven, and the rest of the population suffers under a new one-world government improbably quickly formed by the United Nations.  In order to survive under the new regime, or even just to buy food and clothes, one must wear the Mark (of the Beast), which is permanently stamped on the back of the hand or the forehead.  Patty refuses, and becomes the target of a government hit team that chases her in a van and a helicopter.

It’s hard to believe this crude Evangelical picture could frighten anyone, but anecdotal evidence indicates that it has.  Perhaps the amateurish performances (by local actors) worked to its advantage, reminding audiences of themselves.  At only 68 minutes, one can hardly quibble with the pacing, and the location shooting and production values, particularly during the chase sequence in the final reel, inject some excitement into the film.  Larry Norman’s song, “I Wish We’d All Been Ready,” which appears during the opening titles and again, memorably, at the end, became something of a Christian rock anthem based on its use here.

Six years later, Thompson, Doughten and some of the cast members, particularly Dunning, returned for the Revelation-themed sequel, A DISTANT THUNDER.  It was followed by IMAGE OF THE BEST and, finally, 1983’s THE PRODIGAL PLANET, where themes and characters developed in A THIEF IN THE NIGHT were carried through to a catastrophic conclusion.  Mark IV Pictures is long gone, but its films are now available through RD Films, which is operated in Des Moines by Doughten.

THE THIN RED LINE (1998)--Directed by Terrence Malick. Stars Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, Adrien Brody, Ben Chaplin. Malick is one of Hollywood's most legendary figures. After writing and directing two critically acclaimed films in the '70s (BADLANDS in 1973 and DAYS OF HEAVEN in '78), Malick turned his back on filmmaking, and dropped out of sight. Just about every male star in Hollywood campaigned for a role in this remake of James Jones's World War II novel (which was made into a movie starring Cornel Wilde in 1964)--some of them even agreeing to audition.

The result of one of filmdom's most eagerly anticipated films is this pretentious, slowly paced and well-photographed drama following a group of soldiers and its travails at Guadalcanal. The battle scene that makes up the middle third is exciting and thought-provoking, but it's bookended by a series of ponderous flashbacks, stream-of-consciousness ramblings and nature photography that makes me wonder if Malick himself had any idea what he wanted to accomplish. To tie all of this footage together, he has his actors recite boring narration about the meaning of life and war and the futility of it all and other existential babblings. Penn as a cynical sergeant and Nolte as a career-oriented colonel give the film's best performances; unfortunately the rest of the cast is mostly made up of bland young faces who are so indistinguishable that it's hard to keep track of who's on screen and stars (like George Clooney, John Travolta and Woody Harrelson) who pop up in distracting cameos (although to give Malick his due, he may have been forced by the studio to use familiar names in order to secure financing). Music by Hans Zimmer. Cinematography by Oscar-winner John Toll (BRAVEHEART).

THE THING (1982)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, Richard Masur, Richard Dysart. This gory remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD was released two weeks after E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, and was a box-office flop. It's now considered to be one of Carpenter's best films. A group of men at an Antarctic research station is stalked AND THEN THERE WERE NONE-style by a creature from outer space that has the chameleonic ability to assume the guise of anyone it comes into contact with. The paranoia and mistrust build as each of the men begins to suspect the others of being monsters. Russell, in his third teaming with Carpenter (after ELVIS and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK), is comfortable as anti-heroic chopper pilot MacReady, who is forced into a leadership role that he doesn't want. Carpenter's taut direction, Dean Cundey's moody widescreen photography, Ennio Morricone's creepy score and Rob Bottin's frequently nauseous creature effects combine for a very freaky fright experience. Bottin, who was just 22 at the time, created some of the most imaginative monsters ever put on the screen (the spider-head is my favorite), and may cause even the most fervent gorehound to look away. The fine cast of character actors--including Keith David, David Clennon, Charles Hallahan, Donald Moffat and T.K. Carter--are terrific. Partially filmed on location in Alaska and British Columbia. The nihilistic ending was unusual for a summer studio blockbuster.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)--Directed by Lee Frost. Stars Ray Milland, Rosey Grier, Don Marshall, Roger Perry. This inept and wacky two-headed thriller should not be confused with the previous years INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT. Milland (a long way from THE LOST WEEKEND) plays Dr. Kirshner, a bitter, bigoted, crippled transplant surgeon who plans to beat his terminal cancer by relocating his head onto the shoulders of a death row inmate. Unfortunately for Milland, at the last moment Kirshner's physician Desmond (Perry) is forced to use the body of a black man--hulking convicted murderer Jack Moss (Grier), who maintains his innocence. As you might expect, Jack is taken a bit aback when he awakens to find an extra head on his neck (and a mean, crabby, racist one to boot), so, taking young black doctor Williams (Marshall) as a hostage, he escapes, leading the police on a Blues Brothers-style chase filled with car stunts and crashes.

As absurd as it is, THE THING WITH TWO HEADS manages to remain respectable by playing its nutty plot tongue-in-cheek. The comedy isn't funny, but the fact that director Frost (CHAIN GANG WOMEN) and his co-writers, producer Wes Bishop (DIXIE DYNAMITE) and James Gordon White (THE GLORY STOMPERS), recognize the silliness of their story keeps it from sliding into an unwatchable mess. Ed Forsyth's editing is haphazard--the lengthy car chase sequence appears to have been assembled at random with cars just smashing into each other or into ditches without rhyme or reason. It's one of the longest chase sequences I've ever seen, and it contains enough smash-and-crash mayhem to keep you awake.

The dialogue is appropriately nutty, but is given more weight by the competent thesping of Milland and Grier, who must be having a dandy time. Perry plays the same straight-arrow type he did so well in the COUNT YORGA movies, while Marshall, just off his LAND OF THE GIANTS gig, works as well as he can, considering most of his lines are opposite an actor with another actor's head (and a neck brace) on his shoulder. Also with LAUGH-IN lovely Chelsea Brown as Rosey's girlfriend who asks, "Do you have two of anything else?", Kathy Baumann (CHROME AND HOT LEATHER), Roger Gentry, cameos by Frost and Bishop, Oscar-winning makeup artist Rick Baker as a two-headed gorilla, newsman Dick Whittington, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL producer Albert Zugsmith, and an unbilled cameo by William Smith. In addition to Robert O. Ragland's score, the music includes a song by Jerry Butler and a ridiculous Mike Curb Congregation piece performed by Grier, Brown and Marshall under the end credits.

THIRST (1979)--Directed by Rod Hardy. Stars Chantal Contouri, David Hemmings, Henry Silva. This arty, well-directed Australian vampire flick doesn't always make sense, but it certainly delivers in the chills department. The Brotherhood, an aristocratic group of blood drinkers that uses brainwashing to induce Chantal to join their organization, abducts pretty Frenchwoman Contouri, a descendant of Countess Elizabeth Bathory who bathed in the blood of hundreds of virgins to maintain her youth. They reside on a remote dairy farm where they harvest the blood of kidnap victims and ship it to Brotherhood members around the world in milk cartons. The word vampire is rarely spoken in this frequently scary flick with some imaginative dream sequences. Hemmings delivers an interesting performance as Brotherhood leader Eric, who appears sympathetic to Contouri. Much of this resembles the British TV series THE PRISONER. Silva has a very cool electrocution death scene. Music by Brian May (THE ROAD WARRIOR). Hardy's background was mainly in Australian TV; he helmed some episodes of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE remake, which was lensed Down Under, and more recently has worked on THE X-FILES.

THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN (1978)--Directed by Chia-Liang Liu.  Stars Gordon Liu, Lo Lieh.  Now here's a guy dedicated to revenge.  Young San Te (Liu) joins a Shaolin temple and rigorously studies martial arts for years until he's good enough to layeth down the smack on the soldiers who wiped out his family.  There are 35 chambers through which San Te must pass on the path to excellence, including trials of speed, stamina and weapons training.  Eventually he survives all 35 chambers, recruits an army of kung fu masters, and wipes out his enemies.  SHAOLIN is surprisingly low on action, which I reluctantly admit that I found disappointing.  However, it's also well-written and sumptuously produced, and Gordon Liu (later to appear in Quentin Tarantino's KILL BILL) is an affecting leading man.

THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED (2006)—Directed by Kirby Dick.  Dick’s cheeky look behind the curtain that obscures the Motion Picture Association of America’s mysterious ratings system caused quite a stir in its frequent festival screenings.  So much so that the MPAA announced afterward that it was considering a change in its rules and guidelines, although it refused to acknowledge that Dick’s film had anything to do with its decision.

THIS FILM looks into the MPAA’s long-rumored prejudice against independent films and scenes portraying sexuality, wondering why major Hollywood studio films appear to receive more lenient ratings and why it seems okay to show hundreds of people being slaughtered with machine guns, but not okay to picture two adults making love—particularly if they’re of the same gender.  Hypocrisy and Puritanism appear to be guiding the MPAA’s ratings board, as well as an out-of-touch conservatism that slapped an NC-17 on an early cut of TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE because of a graphic sex scene between a pair of puppets.

Helping Dick in his investigation is a lesbian private eye who helps him uncover the names of the MPAA’s ratings board, which are absolutely secret, not just from the public, but from the filmmakers themselves whose careers may lie in their hands.  Among the revelations is the fact that, although the MPAA publicly states that their ratings board consists solely of parents with school-age children, many of their offspring are adults, and at least one has no children at all.  In addition, when Dick submitted THIS FILM for a rating (it received an NC-17, unsurprisingly), he learns from an MPAA lawyer that the group had made a copy of his movie, which is not only a crime, it’s specifically singled out on the MPAA’s Web site as a very serious threat to the entertainment industry.

Although the film couldn’t have been made without the private investigator’s help, Dick’s film falters in the scenes showing her at work.  They have little to do with the movie’s mission statement and take screen time away from the juicy stuff.  Dick also interviews several moviemakers whose work has been, often unfairly, the target of MPAA censorship, including Kevin Smith (CLERKS), John Waters (A DIRTY SHAME), Matt Stone (SOUTH PARK), Kimberly Peirce (BOYS DON’T CRY) and Wayne Kramer and Maria Bello (THE COOLER).  It’s a shame Dick didn’t get directors of a more prominent nature to speak out, but perhaps they were afraid, as a central point of THIS FILM is the MPAA’s sense of royalty.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984)--Directed by Rob Reiner. Stars Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest, Rob Reiner. Reiner's first film as a director was this brilliant parody of "rockumentaries" about a fictional British heavy metal band. Spinal Tap has come to America to promote its new album, and director Marty DiBergi (Reiner) follows them on their trail of absurd press conferences and mostly empty concert halls. Reiner does a pretty good spoof of LAST WALTZ director Martin Scorsese, and McKean, Shearer and Guest are perfect as the over-the-hill rockers. Much of the dialogue was reportedly improvised. Cameos by Paul Shaffer, Patrick Macnee and Fran Drescher. One of the best comedies of the 1980s.

THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1968)--Directed by Norman Jewison. Stars Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway. Exciting caper film about wealthy and suave Boston thief Thomas Crown (McQueen), who was the mastermind behind a bold bank robbery. When insurance investigator Dunaway is called into the case, she begins an affair with McQueen while looking for a means to put him behind bars. Film's highlight is undoubtedly the classic chess scene and the dizzying kiss between McQueen and Dunaway. Jewison carries out the robbery in fine fashion as well. Paul Burke, Yaphet Kotto, Jack Weston and Biff McGuire play the members of McQueen's gang. The role of dapper Crown was a real change-of-pace for the rugged McQueen; Jewison was reportedly turned down by a number of actors before offering the part to McQueen, who openly campaigned for the movie because he thought playing Crown would be a challenge.

THREE CAME TO KILL (1960)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Cameron Mitchell, John Lupton, Steve Brodie, Lyn Thomas. Our Man Cam is relatively restrained as a slang-slinging hitman in this tight little crime drama. Mitchell is professional assassin Marty Brill, who's been hired to plug the Prime Minister of a Middle Eastern country as he arrives at Los Angeles International Airport for his flight home. To accomplish his job, Brill, along with sidekick Dave (Brodie), crashes the nearby home of air traffic controller Hal Parker (Lupton) and his family. The Parkers' living room offers a perfect view of the runway, and Brill plans to use a long-range rifle to puncture the plane's gas tank, exploding it and killing everyone on board, including the Prime Minister. Much of the movie plays out PETRIFIED FOREST-style, as the Parkers, including Hal's wife June (Thomas), her sister Betty and Betty's surfer boyfriend, try to outthink their captors and the cops search valiantly for Brill.

Obviously filmed quickly and frugally, THREE works quite well, thanks to its assured direction, taut pace and fine performances by its cast, especially Mitchell. The script by Orville H. Hampton (THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE) and producer Robert E. Kent (as James B. Gordon) does a nice job establishing the premise and setting, while also mixing in some choice dialogue (Brill is fond of calling people "kooks") and even some character development, much of it involving Hal Parker, who, we find out, has been in this type of life-or-death situation before. The brash score by Paul Sawtell and Bert Shefter adds a dose of suspense. Also with Logan Field, Jan Arvan (the "third" who "came to kill"), Paul Langton, King Calder, Ron Foster and the lovely Jean Ingram as Betty. Mitchell and Brodie worked again together 21 years later in Jerry Warren's awful FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND. Distributed by United Artists, but produced by tiny Premium Pictures, which made several other Cahn/Kent pictures, such as NOOSE FOR A GUNMAN and INSIDE THE MAFIA. Lupton earlier starred in the BROKEN ARROW TV series.

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1975)--Directed by Sydney Pollack. Stars Robert Redford, Faye Dunaway, Cliff Robertson, Max von Sydow, John Houseman. Engrossing suspenser starring Redford as an innocuous CIA researcher--he reads spy novels to make sure no classified information is accidentally revealed by the authors--who finds himself on the run when his office is the target of vicious assassins. Not knowing who he can trust, Redford kidnaps innocent photographer Dunaway, and uses her for help. Features a taut screenplay by David Rayfiel, paranoid direction by Pollack, and a truly menacing performance by von Sydow as a government hit man. Robertson is properly slimy as Redford's CIA superior. From the director of THE FIRM.

THREE DAYS TO A KILL (1991)--Directed by Fred Williamson. Stars Fred Williamson, Bo Svenson, Henry Silva. Creaky straight-to-video action flick (also produced and co-written by the Hammer) teams cop Williamson and ex-con Svenson to rescue a VIP kidnapped by South American druglord Silva. The oddball cast also includes Van Johnson, Chuck Connors, Sonny Landham and Chicago DJ Tom Joyner. Edited by Doug Bryan.

3 DEV ADAM (1973)--Directed by T. Fikret Ucak.  Sam Raimi, eat your heart out.  Here's the strangest Spider-Man movie any of us are likely to see.  It's a colorful Turkish superhero film that pits an evil murdering Spider-Man against the combined good forces of Captain America and El Santo.  Obviously, the Turk filmmakers never bothered with clearing these copyrighted characters, and it's not likely the rights holders, including Marvel Comics, knew about 3 DEV ADAM anyway, as it was never shown in the United States.  The print I watched is in Turkish without English subtitles, so hell if I know what it's about.  Spider-Man, whose costume is green and who has bushy eyebrows that protrude from the eyeholes in his mask, kills a lot of people, including a nude woman showering and another woman whom he buries in the sand up to her neck and slices her with an outboard motor.  Captain America (whose costume isn't bad, even though his tunic has a hood) and Santo try to stop his evil scheme.  The climactic chase and fight finds the heroes battling a whole slew of Spider-Men; as soon as they defeat one, another jumps up laughing.  Whether they are clones or evil twins, I have no idea.  3 DEV ADAM is silly, ridiculous and kinda fun if you're in the right mood.  And if you fast-forward through the Turkish dialogue.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN (1967)--Directed by Gianfranco Parolini (as "Frank Kramer").  Stars Tony Kendall, Brad Harris, Nick Jordan, Jochen Brockmann, Carlo Tamberlani.  Leave it to the Italians (actually a West German/Italian co-production) to concoct one of the world's loopiest super-hero movies, a silly, action-packed joyride filled with enough stunts and humor to brighten the smile of even the most jaded reader of today's grim comic-book fare.  Accompanied by a zany circus-like musical score by Ruggero Cini and Jimmy Fontana and a nifty array of gadgets and hidden trampolines, SUPERMEN stacks up quite nicely against the few European adventures of the era I've had the pleasure to see.

At the beginning, there are just two "supermen", Sir Anthony (Kendall) and mute Nick (Jordan), acrobats in bulletproof tights, capes and masks who make their living as high-class thieves, even burgling the Pentagon (!) in one gutsy caper.  After each job, they return to their swanky pad to dance the night away with a bevy of beautiful young women who are training to follow in the supermen's footsteps.  Tony and Nick are recruited by FBI agent Brad McCallum (Harris) to steal a cache of counterfeit money, which leads to a much bigger mission when Professor Stewart (Tamberlani), the scientist who invented the supermen's super-togs, is kidnapped along with his niece by his former partner Golem (Brockmann), who has stolen the plans to Stewart's "universal duplicator" and is using it to make perfect copies of gold bars, making him the world's richest man.  Teaming up with his unlikely acrobatic allies, Brad is given a red super-suit of his own, and together the three heroes pursue Golem and his goons to a private island.

In addition to their invulnerable threads, the heroes rely on a few more innovations, such as their steel bolos, mastery of martial arts, suction-cup boots that let them walk up walls, and a gadget-riddled convertible that drives by remote control, among other attributes.  The stars appear to be having a great time--and why shouldn't they be?  When they aren't bouncing around beating up the baddies, they're tossing off glib one-liners and kissing a lot of gorgeous women.  Kendall was also starring at the time in a series of European spy pictures as agent Kommissar X, so he was presumably well cast as a suave action hero, but Jordan appears to be a real acrobat, much like THE CRIMSON PIRATE's Nick Cravat, who was hired on the basis of his physical skills as opposed to his thespic ability.  Harris was an American-born actor who achieved fame in a series of Italian-made "sword & sandal" adventures in the early 1960's and appeared in some of Kendall's KOMMISSAR X movies.  All three stars have nice chemistry together, and their smiley-faced attitude goes a long way toward lending SUPERMEN its good cheer.  Of course, if the sight of three grown men in capes and red tights bouncing on hidden trampolines doesn't make you happy, there's little hope for you.

Also known as I FANTASTICI TRE SUPERMEN and THE FANTASTIC THREE, SUPERMEN was followed by at least two sequels, THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE and THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT.  As best as I can tell, Superargo, Argoman, Diabolik and Goldface were the names of other comic-book-styled heroes appearing in European movies at the time that may or may not have influenced or been influenced by SUPERMEN.  Also with Sabine Sun, Bettina Busch (as Bettina), Giuseppe Mattei and Gloria Paul.  From the director of ADIOS, SABATA.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE (1968)--See THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT (1974)--Directed by Bitto Albertini.  Robert Malcolm, Sal Borgese, Antonio Cantafora, Lo Lieh, Shih Szu.  There's more kung fu than superhero hijinks in this Italian/Hong Kong sequel to 1967's THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN.  The bulletproof red tights don't even show up until about an hour in and aren't used in combat until the climax.  Why one would make a Fantastic Supermen movie and fail to put fantastic supermen in it is beyond me.  As in THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE, ORIENT opens with FBI agent Bob Wallace's (Malcolm) wedding being interrupted by his boss, who sends him to the Orient to track down six missing operatives.  After a brief stopover in Bangkok, Bob meets up with his thief acquaintances Max (Cantafora) and mute Jerry (Borgese) in Hong Kong and encourages them to help out.  The title is really a misnomer, since the three also team up with Chinese kung fu expert Tang (Lieh) and a cute female (Szu).  The final battle is a lot of fun, as Lieh steals the picture from his Occidental co-stars, but ORIENT's mixture of action and low comedy peters out pretty early.  The cast doesn't seem as involved or happy as in previous entries, and ORIENT is recommended for Italian superhero completists only.

3:15 (1985)--Directed by Larry Gross.  Stars Adam Baldwin, Deborah Foreman, Danny de la Paz.  48 HRS. scripter Gross directed this routine thriller about high-school gang life.  Basketball star Jeff Hannah (Baldwin) walked away from the Cobras a year earlier after he refused to kill a boy he was rumbling with.  Cobra leader Cinco (de la Paz) has never forgiven him for his betrayal, and now, after Jeff refuses to protect Cinco from a drug bust, vows to murder his former friend.  Jeff's "time to die" is set for 3:15pm, just after school.  With nobody willing to back him up (yes, much like Gary Cooper in HIGH NOON) except his sweet girlfriend Sherry (Foreman), Jeff prepares to walk into a hornets' nest that not even the cops are willing to disinfect.  3:15 (also known as 3:15--THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, but not on the print itself) was released around the same time as THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, TUFF TURF, THE CLASS OF 1984 and several other "punks-running-wild" high-school movies, but has little to differentiate it from the others.  Baldwin is a steady enough lead, but de la Paz' character suffers from weak writing and sketchy motivations.  Foreman (VALLEY GIRL) could, of course, play cute suburban teens in her sleep by this time.  Also with Rene Auberjonois, Ed Lauter, Wayne Crawford, Mario Van Peebles and an unbilled Wings Hauser as Foreman's father.  Keep an eye peeled for Gina Gershon as a Cobrette, INDEPENDENCE DAY producer Dean Devlin, TV NATION correspondent Rusty Cundieff and punker John Doe.  Music by Gary Chang.

THREE FUGITIVES (1989)--Directed by Francis Veber. Stars Nick Nolte, Martin Short, Sarah Rowland Doroff. An American remake of a French comedy by the same director. Nolte plays a criminal who is released from prison, and goes straight to the bank to deposit his savings. He is taken hostage by an inept bank robber (Short), but the cops think Nolte is the bandit, and he is forced into hiding out with Short and his little daughter Doroff. The first half of the film features some effective slapstick, but the storyline becomes a bit maudlin during the second half. Nolte and Short--two actors who couldn't be more dissimilar--work very well together. Also with James Earl Jones, Alan Ruck and Kenneth McMillan.

THREE KINDS OF HEAT (1987)--Directed by Leslie Stevens. Stars Robert Ginty, Victoria Barrett, Shakti. Ginty teams up with two gorgeous kung-fu-kicking babes to battle the Asian mob in London. Stevens created and produced the original OUTER LIMITS series, and once made a film starring William Shatner entirely in Esperanto!

THREE MEN AND A BABY (1987)--Directed by Leonard Nimoy. Stars Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg. Cute and slightly amusing comedy was a major box-office smash, and led to a sequel (THREE MEN AND A LITTLE LADY). Three bachelors live together in a spacious New York City apartment. They are forced into instant fatherhood when an infant is left on their doorstep. The actors are cute in their scenes with the baby, but the plot is interrupted by a stupid and unnecessary subplot involving drug smugglers. Also with Nancy Travis, Philip Bosco and Margaret Colin. From the director of STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1993)--Directed by Stephen Herek. Stars Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Chris O'Donnell, Rebecca DeMornay. Very bad Brat Pack version of Alexandre Dumas' familiar story starring a bunch of pretty boys who look entirely unconvincing in period garb. The actors seem to be enjoying hamming it up, but we've seen this all (and done much better) before. O'Donnell is bland at best as D'Artagnan. Also with Oliver Platt, Tim Curry, Michael Wincott, Julie Delpy and Gabrielle Anwar. Filmed in Austria. Music by Michael Kamen. Screenplay by David Loughery (STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER).

THREE O'CLOCK HIGH (1987)--Directed by Phil Joanou. Stars Casey Siemaszko, Richard Tyson, Anne Ryan. Wimpy teenager Siemaszko makes the mistake of upsetting tough bully Tyson, who challenges Casey to fisticuffs after school. He spends the rest of the school day preparing and dreading the final bell. Slightly amusing comedy is given a charge by Spielberg protege Joanou's clever camera tricks. Screenwriters Richard Christian Matheson and Thomas Szollosi worked on Fred Dryer's HUNTER TV series. Also with Jeffrey Tambor, John P. Ryan and Philip Baker Hall. From the director of FINAL ANALYSIS.

THREE ON A MEATHOOK (1972)—Directed by William Girdler.  Stars Charles Kissinger, James Pickett, Sherry Steiner.  A solid opening, a bizarre twist ending, and some hilariously bad acting punctuate this amateurish gore movie, the second written and directed by Louisville, Kentucky’s own Girdler, who somehow went on to make several Hollywood exploitation movies before his untimely death in 1978.  It owes a lot to PSYCHO.

Billy Townsend (Pickett) has woman problems, in that he keeps slaughtering them in his sleep, leaving it to widower pa Kissinger to clean up the mess.  After Billy’s latest splatfest, Pa sends him into town to get his head together, where he sees a re-release of (the R-rated) THE GRADUATE and listens to a crummy bar band (American Xpress, likely buddies of Girdler’s).  He gets drunk, wets his pants, and wakes up naked next to a surprisingly kind-hearted waitress (the robotic Steiner), who dragged him to her place so the cops wouldn’t roust him.  They quickly fall in love, and make plans for Sherry to visit the Townsend farm that Sunday.  Can Billy control his murderous urges around his new girlfriend? 

The movie runs less than 80 minutes, but is still thickly padded with band footage and characters roaming around like in a shampoo commercial.  This is obviously a cheap film, but not totally ineffective, in that Girdler found an authentically rustic farm to use as a location, and Pickett turns in a decent performance.  The director made sure not to cheat with his delightfully crusty title too.  Also with Hugh Smith (who starred with Pickett and Kissinger in Girdler’s follow-up, the obscure THE ZEBRA KILLER), Carolyn Thompson, Kiersten Laine, Linda Thompson and John Shaw.  Girdler takes credit for the musical score.

THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE (1968)--Directed by Bitto Albertini.  Stars Brad Harris, George Martin, Salvatore Borgese, Femi Benussi.  This sequel to THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN finds our heroes in Africa seeking a uranium deposit before the Soviets find it first.  FBI agent Brad's (Harris, returning from the original film) wedding is interrupted by his boss, who first sends him to the Middle East, where fellow supermen Martin (Martin) and mute Dick (the shamelessly overacting Borgese) are due to be executed by a wealthy sheik whom the two robbed.  After rescuing his roguish partners, the three supermen, clad in bulletproof red tights, capes and masks, travel through the "African jungle", which more closely resembles a park in either Italy or Spain where this Italian/Spanish co-production must have been filmed.  Not only do they cross paths with their Soviet counterparts, but also a tribe of cannibals, a fake-looking crocodile, and an army of sexy white warriors led by jungle queen Jungla (Benussi).

The emphasis is on comedy in this slapstick sequel, which closely resembles an episode of THE MONKEES in its plotting, humor, costumes and music.  Much of the material involving the African natives comes across as grossly un-PC today, but the good-natured tone should deflect any bitter taste you may have after a scene in which a witch doctor drops vegetables into a boiling pot containing Dick and stirs the soup.  I'm not exactly sure how many of the several THREE SUPERMEN movies are part of the official series, much as DJANGO inspired plenty of westerns with the word "Django" in the title, but had nothing to do with the original film starring Franco Nero.  Other destinations for the THREE SUPERMEN include "THE ORIENT" and "THE WEST".  Also known as CHE FANNO I NOSTRI SUPERMEN TRA LE VERGINI DELLA GIUNGLA? and LOS TRES SUPERMEN EN LA SELVA.  From the director of the unrelated GOLDFACE, THE FANTASTIC SUPERMAN.

3:10 TO YUMA (1957)—Directed by Delmer Daves.  Stars Glenn Ford, Van Heflin.  The emphasis is on suspense, rather than gun-blazing action, in this well-acted Columbia western.  Poor rancher Dan Evans (Heflin) accepts $200 for a dirty job nobody else—not even the town marshal—wants: transporting captured outlaw Ben Wade (Ford) to board the 3:10 train from Contention City to Yuma, while evading Wade’s loyal gang’s attempt to sprint their boss.  While Daves does stage a few action sequences, YUMA is a character-based battle of wits between Ford’s cunning, charismatic bad guy, whose powers of seduction work on men just as well as with women, and Heflin’s honest but financially struggling family man, who takes the job to put food on the table.  Both actors are marvelous, but the slight edge goes to Ford, who plays nicely against type with a tight smile, a forked tongue and a quiet steadiness that wears down the nervous Heflin more precisely than hysterics would.  Wade is a killer, but he’s no psycho, which makes him more dangerous.  George Duning’s memorable score teams with Frankie Laine’s theme song and appropriately dry Arizona locations to set the stage for one of the most important westerns of the 1950s, despite its clunky climax.  Also with Felicia Farr, Richard Jaeckel, Robert Emhardt, Henry Jones, Richard Devon and Ford Rainey.

3:10 TO YUMA (2007)—Directed by James Mangold.  Stars Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, Ben Foster, Peter Fonda.  Lionsgate produced this old-fashioned action western that adheres surprisingly closely to the 1957 film (original writer Halsted Welles, even though Lionsgate misspells his name, receive a screenplay credit).  Its cast is equally as good with Bale in the role of frustrated rancher Dan Evans, who agrees to transport a dangerous outlaw, Ben Wade (Crowe), to the train station one city over in exchange for the $200 he needs to feed his family and save his spread.  In pursuit of Evans is Wade’s loyal gang, currently led by hotheaded second-in-command Charlie (Foster), who never hesitates to kill someone standing between him and something he wants.  Although Mangold appeases contemporary audiences by creating more action scenes than the original, he doesn’t veer away from the character-based battle of wits that marked the original film.  Crowe seems like a too-obvious choice as the oily-tongued outlaw whose dangerous charisma works on Dan’s nerves (Glenn Ford in the original was cast against type, and effectively so), but there’s no faulting his performance or his chemistry with Bale, who’s unfortunately stuck with a wooden leg that serves little story purpose.  Mangold has little feel for the western form—he can’t shoot action very well, and he fails to take advantage of his New Mexican locations—but he doesn’t blow it either, resulting in an easy-to-take remake that feels like one of those films “they don’t make anymore.”  Also with Dallas Roberts, Vinessa Shaw, Gretchen Mol, Logan Lerman and Alan Tudyk.  Good score by Marco Beltrami.

THREE THE HARD WAY (1974)--Directed by Gordon Parks Jr.  Stars Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Jim Kelly, Jay Robinson, Sheila Frazier.  Brings together for the first time three of the biggest badasses in blaxploitation history: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, Jim Brown and Jim Kelly. Brown and Williamson had been successfully starring in black action films such as SLAUGHTER, HAMMER and BLACK CAESAR for a couple of years, although Brown had enjoyed a slight mainstream career in major studio films like THE DIRTY DOZEN and 100 RIFLES.  Kelly had made a splash the year before as Bruce Lee and John Saxon's co-star in ENTER THE DRAGON.

THREE THE HARD WAY is one of my favorite blaxploitation flicks. Despite its frequent padding, sloppy production values and confusing script, it offers up tons of action and a ridiculously campy premise that add up to a wild combination of sub-budget Bond film and Marvel superhero comic. A wealthy white supremacist named Mr. Feather (the always fey Robinson) concocts a plan to exterminate America's black population by poisoning the water supply of several major cities with a deadly chemical that only affects African-Americans. Record producer Tait (Brown), PR man Jagger (Williamson) and karate teacher Mister Keyes (Kelly) stumble onto Feather's operation when Brown's girlfriend (Frazier) is kidnapped and attempt to destroy it.

All three leads are given properly heroic introductions, then, after damaging Feather's plot in a series of solo adventures, team up to destroy the villain's compound in a colorful Bondian climax.  Lots of stuntmen with machine guns and red berets are wiped out, and many cars explode.  The shootouts, martial-arts battles and stunts (performed by Hal Needham's Stunts Unlimited) are top-notch (the body count must run into triple digits), and Robinson's performance is hilariously over-the-top.  You'll also see some funky '70s threads, songs by The Impressions, a senseless part for Alex Rocco as a cop who doesn't do jack, and some very hateful villains.  There's also a bizarre scene where Williamson extracts information from one of Feather's henchmen by siccing a trio of foxy topless dominatrixes on him.  Sweaty, sassy and adorned only in tight leather pants, these three malicious mamas (one is played by Irene Tsu, who's still working in television) are simultaneously sensual and scary.

Scripters Eric Bercovici and Jerry Ludwig wrote dozens of HAWAII FIVE-0 episodes and later reteamed with Brown, Williamson and Kelly for the 1975 western TAKE A HARD RIDE with Lee Van Cleef.  Several years later, the Beatles of Blaxploitation got together for the only time, as Richard Roundtree (SHAFT) joined Brown, Kelly and The Hammer for ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO, which Williamson directed.  Also with Roberta Collins, Jeanne Bell, Howard Platt and an almost-unrecognizable Corbin Bernsen.  Beware of the Xenon Video release, which is a television print that deletes the profanity and nudity. 

THREE TOUGH GUYS (1974)--Directed by Duccio Tessani. Stars Lino Ventura, Isaac Hayes, Fred Williamson, Paula Kelly, William Berger. Ten-speed-pedaling tough-guy priest (Ventura) and taciturn ex-cop (Hayes) team up to solve a million-dollar bank heist and capture Chicago mobster Joe Snake (Williamson) in Windy City-lensed but Italian-produced action flick. There isn't much here that you haven't seen before, but the production values are appropriately gritty, the action is fast-paced and bloody, and it's nice to see the image-conscious Hammer cast against type as a bad guy. Hayes wrote the musical score as well, and released the soundtrack on Enterprise Records. THREE TOUGH GUYS was Isaac's acting debut, and while he's a bit stiff at times, he's certainly a compelling presence; he went on to TRUCK TURNER and semi-regular status as James Garner's former cellmate on TV's THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THRILL (1996)—Directed by Sam Pillsbury.  Stars Antonio Sabato Jr., Stepfanie Kramer, Ted Marcoux, Maxxe Sternbaum.  The hilariously awful THRILL aired as a TV-movie on NBC in 1996. It stars TV hunk Sabato as a widowed heating/air conditioning technician who also owns a stake in a California amusement park. And that's not the most implausible aspect of the film. The park is run by his sister, played by HUNTER's Kramer, who is normally quite a fox, but for some reason is stuck with a too-short pixie hairdo that does her no favors.

A psycho is sabotaging the park's rides and making threatening phone calls to Kramer, who wants to keep the scandal quiet, because she's trying to sell the park and doesn't want any negative publicity that might quash the sale. So she's basically Murray Hamilton, but not a villain. It took me exactly 19.5 minutes to guess the bad guy's identity, but you're smarter than I and may be able to do it faster.

No cliché is left unturned. When THRILL establishes Sabato as a single father with a cute daughter (Sternbaum), you know she's kidnap fodder, and when the teleplay beats us over the head in reminding us every ten minutes that he has a fear of heights and hates--hates, mind you--the park's rollercoaster, called Thrill, well, it's not a big leap to assume that Sabato is eventually gonna be on the damn thing while either disarming a bomb or punching someone in the face. Or both. THRILL, which for some reason is on DVD, is watchable, but only for fans of bad movies. And maybe Stepfanie Kramer. Also with Larry Joshua, Christine Harnos and Bill Cobbs.

THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (1974)--Directed by Bo Arne Vibenius.  Stars Christina Lindberg, Heinz Hopf.  Synapse released this controversial Swedish thriller to DVD in 2004 to great critical acclaim.  A combination of arthouse and grindhouse styles, THRILLER, which was originally released to U.S. theaters shorn of 20 minutes and titled THEY CALL HER ONE EYE, is also admired by director Quentin Tarantino, who molded Daryl Hannah's character in KILL BILL after the physical look of star Lindberg.  However, Vibenius' film (he wrote, produced and directed it) is a major disappointment, a slow-moving, bleak and unfulfilling revenge fantasy patterned after the works of his mentor, Ingmar Bergman.

Mute Madeleine (Lindberg), a pretty young woman, has been unable to speak since being molested as a child.  After missing the bus into town on her way to her regular doctor's appointment, she's picked up by a smoothie in a sports car, who invites her to dinner and then back to his pad for a nightcap.  Tony (Hopf) is an oily pimp, who drugs Madeleine and hooks her on heroin over several days.  In order to receive the two fixes a day her habit requires, Madeleine is forced to turn tricks for Tony from the tiny room to which she has been sentenced.  She's allowed one day off per week, and on one of those days, she goes to visit her parents, who believe she has abandoned them, thanks to a forged letter sent by Tony.  She discovers her parents committed suicide over her disappearance, which leads Madeleine to change the course of her life by taking lessons in martial arts, shooting and driving, which she uses to see vengeance against Tony and her most depraved customers.

The first hour or so is relegated to Madeleine's hopeless situation, as she is routinely slapped, degraded, screwed and generally treated like the common whore Tony has turned her into.  When she isn't shooting heroin, she's sitting around her room, nude or partially so, sometimes listening to the lamentations of the hooker in the room next to hers.  Vibenius' decision to populate his film with hardcore inserts (in which a body double substituted for Lindberg) makes Madeleine's plight even grimmer, as we're given a (too-) graphic look at her degradation.  The buildup prepares us for a kickass finale, which frankly never comes.  True, Lindberg's rampage of revenge is bloody, but also bloody boring.  Vibenius shoots the violent martial arts fights and gun battles in super slow-motion, robbing them of any excitement.  It's hard to rate Lindberg's performance, since she never utters a word, but she is convincing in her transformation from damaged innocent to obsessive killer.

Also released in the U.S. by AIP as HOOKERS REVENGE on a double bill with THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S MODEL (actually the British HOUSE OF WHIPCORD), THRILLER is a washout that never approaches the kinetic thrills of its American trailer, which promises a hard-driving action flick, which never comes.  No complaints with the Synapse presentation or DVD extras, but I found no thrills in THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE.

THROW MAMMA FROM THE TRAIN (1987)--Directed by Danny DeVito. Stars Billy Crystal, Danny DeVito, Anne Ramsey. Effective black comedy slightly influenced by Hitchcock's STRANGERS ON A TRAIN. An author with writer's block (Crystal) teaches a creative writing class on the side. He becomes involved with a slow-witted student (DeVito), who kills Crystal's ex-wife and expects Crystal to murder his domineering mother (Ramsey). Most of the gruesome humor works, and DeVito lends some visual flair in his feature directing debut. Ramsey received a Best Supporting Actress Oscar nomination. With Kate Mulgrew, Kim Greist and an amusing supporting turn by Rob Reiner. From the director of WAR OF THE ROSES.

THUNDER ALLEY (1967)--Directed by Richard Rush.  Stars Fabian, Annette Funicello, Jan Murray, Warren Berlinger, Diane McBain.  Stock footage from FIREBALL 500 made its way into AIP’s 1967 follow-up, THUNDER ALLEY.  So did Annette Funicello and Fabian, but not Frankie Avalon, who was over in Hong Kong filming THE MILLION EYES OF SU-MURU.  Taking over the directorial reins from the pedestrian William Asher was Richard Rush (THE STUNT MAN), then a prolific maker of exploitation movies that were mostly above-average.

Whenever he gets boxed in on the track, stock car driver Tommy Callahan (Fabian) suffers from blackouts, triggered by flashbacks of his brother’s fatal childhood go-cart accident.  He’s barred from racing after an attack leads to a rival driver’s death, and he and his heavily lacquered girl Annie (Diane McBain) end up with shyster Pete Madsen’s (Jan Murray) thrill circus, where Tommy becomes a stunt driver crashing cars for drunken spectators.  Top-billed Annette plays Francie, Madsen’s daughter and another stunt driver who’s involved with wannabe racer Eddie (Warren Berlinger), but catches the eye of Tommy.  And who can blame the guy for falling for?  She’s cute as the dickens, drinks whiskey, and knows her way around an engine.

There’s little more to the story than that, as TV writer Sy Salkowitz concentrates on the love quadrangle, while occasionally tossing the drive-in fans a bone in the form of a freak-out dance number or a good old-fashioned barroom brawl.  Like in FIREBALL 500, the racing sequences contain stock footage of every spinout and fiery crash Rush could find, making it appear that a typical stock car race is about as safe as a typical Rollerball match.  One flaming jump is so cool, it shows up in both movies.

THUNDER ALLEY marked the end of Funicello’s AIP contract and, in effect, her film career.  She was only 25, but she had literally grown up (and grown out, much to the delight of her young male fans) in the public arena and was presumably finding it difficult to reconcile her sweet Disney image with the increasing permissiveness creeping into Hollywood films.  THUNDER ALLEY was probably the most “adult” film she had made to date, even though a comic drunk scene is as grown-up as she gets.  Mike Curb’s score features a song very similar to his “Burning Bridges” from KELLY’S HEROES and some fuzz guitar grooving courtesy of Davie Allan and the Arrows.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING (1977)--Directed by Corey Allen. Stars David Carradine, Kate Jackson, Roger C. Carmel, Sterling Holloway, Pat Cranshaw. Produced by Roger Corman in the wake of Hal Needham's massive money-making redneck car-crash comedy SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT, this amiable adventure casts drive-in vet Carradine as hard-drivin' moonshiner Harley Thomas, who makes his money by hauling illegal liquor cooked up by crotchety brothers Hobe (Holloway) and Taylor (Cranshaw) Carpenter. Complications ensue, however, when local soft-drink magnate R.J. Hunnicutt (Carmel), in an effort to conquer the moonshine racket, sends his gang of goons out to the Carpenter shack to crack up the brother's still. Toss in a couple of New York mobsters, several car chases and a romance between Harley and Hunnicutt's naive daughter Nancy Sue (Jackson), and the result is a fun if undistinguished low-budget action comedy.

The strangest aspect of THUNDER AND LIGHTING is probably the participation of Kate Jackson. Arguably one of television's biggest stars at the time (during the first season of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, she was even featured, along with her co-stars, on the cover of TIME), Jackson's role is thinly-scripted and exists mainly as someone for Carradine to rescue. It seems odd that Jackson wouldn't have had more interesting feature-film offers during her ANGELS hiatus, but maybe she just had a burning desire to do a cheap car-crash comedy with David Carradine. Both leads are too old for their roles, and the love story is the script's weakest element. Carradine appears to be having a fine time (one character, while receiving a martial-arts thrashing from Carradine, orders him to "knock off that kung-fu s*&t!"), and the veteran supporting cast, including Carmel, Charles Napier, George Murdock and Ron Feinberg, all turn in energetic performances. Ed Barth (SIMON & SIMON) and Claude Earl Jones (USED CARS) show off nice comic timing as a pair of bickering hitmen.

Director Allen, a former actor who played Buzz in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, helmed hundreds of hours of episodic television (THE ROCKFORD FILES, QUINCY, M.E.); this and 1978's AVALANCHE were his final features. His strangest credit may his first--THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO ("It's not his nose that grows!" read the ad copy). Napier and Carradine later worked together in FUTURE ZONE and MACON COUNTY JAIL. Carmel, who was a marvelous comic heavy in films and television (especially as Captain Kirk's nemesis, conman Harry Mudd), committed suicide in 1986. Writer William Hjortsberg later penned a made-for-TV SMOKEY ripoff called THE GEORGIA PEACHES. Future exploitation-film director Lewis Teague (ALLIGATOR) was the second-unit director, while future BAYWATCH producer James Pergola served as cinematographer.

THUNDER IN DIXIE (1964)--Directed by William T. Naud.  Stars Michael Bradford, Harry Millard, Judy Lewis, Nancy Berg.  A melodrama about a jealous rivalry between formerly friendly stock car jockeys.  Mike Bradford stars as Ticker Welsh, a brooding driver out for revenge against his ex-best friend Mickey Arnold (Harry Millard), who killed Ticker’s fiancé in a drunken driving accident.  Mickey’s estranged wife Lili (Judy Lewis) and Ticker’s new flame Karen (Nancy Berg) wring their hands in despair, but take little action to prevent Welsh’s blood feud from happening during a climactic race at--again--Atlanta International Raceway.  Director William T. Naud (HOT ROD HULLABALLOO) deftly handles a rich script by noted mystery novelist and Hollywood screenwriter George Baxt, and while the acting is inconsistent, it’s also sincere enough to provide Baxt’s Southern fried clichés with much-needed dramatic weight.

THUNDER NINJA KIDS: THE HUNT FOR THE DEVIL BOXER (1991)—Directed by Godfrey Ho (I think).  Some films I find to be practically unreviewable, mainly because there’s no way for me to explain them in any context that makes sense to someone with a normal mind.  I would imagine producer Joseph Lai, who specialized in splicing together out-of-context scenes from several different (often unfinished) films to create one wildly confusing one, has made more unreviewable pictures that nearly anyone else.  This one somehow manages to concoct a story involving hopping zombie children, who are raised from the dead by an alien spaceship and decide to rescue a little girl kidnapped by gangsters.  While that’s going on, a martial artist tries to gain revenge for his father’s murder by training with a Chinese master named Samson and then teaming up with him to do hand-to-hand battle with Satan.  Supposedly, Sophia Crawford is in the film, but I’m not sure about that, unless she’s the topless actress playing one incarnation of the Devil.  And I hope she is.  Lai produced other THUNDER NINJA KIDS movies, but I’m not sure I have the guts to try them.

THUNDER RUN (1986)--Directed by Gary Hudson.  Stars Forrest Tucker, John Ireland, John Shepherd.  Tucker's final film was for Cannon, a delightfully silly action romp that unfortunately doesn't really get churning until its second half.  Ex-trucker Tucker owns a Nevada mine, where he also lives with his wife and his grandson Chris (Shepherd).  Old war buddy Ireland pops in to ask a favor:  would Tuck mind picking up a load of plutonium in his rig and driving it a few hundred miles to an Army base in Arizona?  There's $250,000 in it for you, and, oh yeah, some terrorists are going to try to steal your cargo along the way.  None of this happens until late in the picture, since Hudson apparently believes we're more interested in Chris and his friends' dull hijinks than the excitement of Tucker fighting rocket-launching dune buggies with his gadget-riddled, armor-plated semi.  Once the action starts on the desert highway, THUNDER RUN is great fun, but the waiting around for it made me kinda fidgety.  Brunette Kim Whitlow and hot blonde Cheryl Lynn provide eye candy, and take a good look at Chris' friend Paul, played by "Wally Ward".  Ward is actually Wallace Langham, later a regular on THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW.

THUNDER WARRIOR (1983)--Directed by Fabrizio De Angelis.  Stars Mark Gregory, Bo Svenson.  Elements of FIRST BLOOD and JOHNNY FIRECLOUD come together in this typically nutty Italian action movie filmed in Arizona.  Thunder (played by the incredibly wimpy-looking Gregory) is a Navajo who returns to his desert home to discover a small team of construction workers is blasting the crap out of his ancestors' burial ground with dynamite.  When he asks them to stop, they beat the crap out of him.  When he goes to the cops, including Sheriff Cook (Svenson), they beat the crap out of him.  All that's left is to swipe a bow and some arrows from the local trading post and make a stand.  All the car stunts, slow-motion action scenes and explosions don't disguise the fact that THUNDER WARRIOR has next to nothing in the story and characterization departments, but if that's what you were looking for, you wouldn't be watching this anyway.  The Trans World Entertainment VHS print may be cut, but it's still an amusing way to spend 84 minutes.  Gregory is less believable as a Native American than he is as a tough guy, but that's part of the entertainment value.  Francisco De Masi's score is really good and was recycled for several other De Angelis films.  The director was credited as Larry Ludman.  Also with Raimund Harmstorf, Valeria Ross and Antonio Sabato.  Followed by two sequels, all starring Gregory.

THUNDERBALL (1965)--Directed by Terence Young. Stars Sean Connery, Claudine Auger, Adolfo Celi, Luciana Paluzzi, Rik Van Nutter. 007's fourth screen adventure finds the suave British agent (Connery) chasing SPECTRE agent Celi, who wants to destroy Miami with stolen nuclear bombs. The many underwater scenes don't really work because the action is slowed down; however, a pretty good Bond adventure. Auger was a former Miss France. Edited by Peter Hunt, who later took over the directing chores on ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE. Connery also starred in the 1983 remake, NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN.

THUNDERBIRD 6 (1968)--Directed by David Lane.  Stars the voices of Sylvia Anderson, Keith Alexander, Peter Dyneley.  The second feature film based upon the BBC's successful TV series THUNDERBIRDS, which was produced in "Supermarionation" by husband-and-wife team Gerry and Sylvia Anderson and showcased the top-secret 21st century adventures of International Rescue, a privately funded search-and-rescue and espionage unit headed by wealthy ex-astronaut John Tracy and partially manned by his sons, niece Tin Tin and millionairess Lady Penelope.  "Thunderbird 6" refers to Skyship One, sort of a flying cruise ship designed by IR's electronics expert Brains.  On its maiden voyage-with Penelope, her chauffeur Parker, Tin Tin and one of the Tracy boys aboard-Skyship One is hijacked by men in the employ of the villainous Black Phantom.  The feature suffers from too much padding and a very light plot, but picks up in the final third as the "Thunderbirds" attempt a daring rescue.  Derek Meddings' model work is top-notch as usual, and the sight of a vicious gun battle involving puppets is pretty unusual, to say the least.  Lane was a veteran of the Andersons' TV shows.  Barry Gray's lively score uses snatches of his vibrant TV theme.

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO (1966)--Directed by David Lane.  Gerry and Sylvia Anderson's successful children's show comes to the big screen in Supermarionation.  The reason I've listed no cast members above is because all of the characters are puppets that glide around amazingly detailed miniature sets and models built by visual effects whiz Derek Meddings, whose later work included STAR WARS and SUPERMAN.  International Rescue, consisting of patriarch John Tracy and his five sons, is called in when Zero-X, a manned expedition to Mars, is set to lift off.  The initial launch of Zero-X two years earlier was marred by sabotage caused by archvillain The Hood, so the Tracys are leaving nothing to chance this time around.  Truthfully, the Andersons' screenplay is stretched mighty thin, causing Lane to fill the screen with long scenes of models snapping together and flying around, and really straining in an extended dance sequence involving marionette versions of Cliff Richard and the Shadows!  The biggest action setpiece doesn't even involve the Tracys, but rather the Zero-X astronauts who get into a battle with giant rock snakes on the surface of Mars.  Fans of the Sylvia-voiced superspy Lady Penelope and her bug-eyed manservant Parker will dig her here, as she battles baddies from the backseat of her fab pink Rolls.  Peter Dyneley, Neil McCallum, Ray Barrett and David Graham provide several voices.  Barry Gray's score is very cool, as are the many Meddings rocketships and launchpads.  F.A.B!  Followed a year later by THUNDERBIRD 6. 

THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT (1974)--Directed by Michael Cimino. Stars Clint Eastwood, Jeff Bridges, George Kennedy. An offbeat caper film with interesting performances by Eastwood and Oscar-nominated Bridges. Enemies Eastwood and Kennedy join forces to recover the loot the two of them had stolen and stashed away years before. They are joined by affable conman Bridges. Cimino, who also scripted, turns in an engaging directorial debut; he is matched by the cast, who turn their potentially cliched characters into well-rounded personalities. Look for sexy DUKES OF HAZZARD star Catherine Bach and motorcycle-crash survivor Gary Busey in early roles. From the director of THE DEER HUNTER.

THX 1138 (1971)--Directed by George Lucas. Stars Robert Duvall, Maggie McOmie, Donald Pleasence. Lucas's first film began as a USC project. He got additional financing from Francis Ford Coppola's American Zoetrope, but the results were a box-office dud. An interesting failure. In the future, sex is outlawed and babies are born only through artificial insemination. Rebels Duvall and McOmie decide to have sex; she becomes pregnant and is sent to prison. Duvall attempts an escape to the outside world. Lucas has an interesting visual style--the sets are mostly white and antiseptic--yet the film is dull and plodding. Music by Lalo Schifrin. Lucas also scripted.

TICKER (2001)--Directed by Albert Pyun.  Stars Tom Sizemore, Steven Seagal, Dennis Hopper, Jaime Pressly.  Fewer words in the cinematic community carry more dread than "An Albert Pyun Film".  Reading this phrase in a film's opening credits usually means you can expect cheap production values, inept and illogical scripting and clumsy directorial choices wrapped around a solid exploitation cast featuring familiar direct-to-video names like Christopher Lambert, Andrew Dice Clay and Don "The Dragon" Wilson.  In what may be Pyun's biggest profile film to date, he has acquired a sturdy cast of B-level stars (as opposed to the C-level performers he usually works with) and a slightly larger budget.  Unfortunately, the results remain at the usual Pyun standard.

Sizemore (SAVING PRIVATE RYAN) stars as another burned-out movie cop, this one a San Francisco narcotics officer named Nettles, who's still recovering from the car bomb deaths of his wife and young son.  After his partner is killed in a warehouse shootout, Nettles takes into custody a sexy young blonde named Claire (Pressly), who refuses to identify her partners.  Soon afterwards, the police receive a telephone call from a mysterious voice that threatens to explode a bomb unless Claire is released in one hour.  She isn't, and dozens of innocent victims are killed when a bar called the Happy Hour is destroyed in a blast.  Teaming up with ponytailed bomb squad cop Glass (Seagal), Nettles sets out to capture the bomber (Hopper) in time to prevent his ultimate mission:  the destruction of one of San Francisco's major landmarks.

Considering TICKER was shot in only 12 days--and all of Hopper's scenes in one (!)--it's amazing that it is as coherent as it is.  Hopper must have worked one heck of a long day, because he has a lot of screen time and his scenes are spread throughout the movie.  Unfortunately, he didn't work so hard in creating an interesting character, relying on a truly awful Irish accent to lend some color.  Seagal, who shot for six days, appears mostly in closeups, exchanging dialogue with characters offscreen; TICKER would have benefited if he and Sizemore had been able to work together as a real team.

Although Sizemore's Nettles is the main character, Artisan realized Seagal's part had to be beefed up to capitalize on his fame overseas, so an entirely different prologue was created (to substitute for one establishing the backstory of Nettles' dead family) in post-production using stock footage from several other films, some of it filmed in Bulgaria.  This explains why a Senator's house contains a basement the size of a warehouse and resembles the inside of a restaurant.  Other evidence of post-production tampering is the large number of Illinois license plates on cars driving around San Francisco (Pyun confirms on the DVD's commentary track that TICKER was originally set in Chicago, but doesn't explain why the setting was switched) and several instances of dialogue delivered from off-camera.  The lack of money and time is evident in some awful process photography and a climax that goes out with a whimper rather than a bang (ironic, considering the film is about a bomber).

Although I wouldn't completely recommend it, TICKER is a watchable enough action film, thanks mostly to the solid work of Sizemore and Seagal, whose Zen espousing is an interesting touch and wisely kept to a minimum to avoid preaching.  It's certainly one of Pyun's better movies, which perhaps isn't saying much if you've seen DOLLMAN or CAPTAIN AMERICA and know how awful Pyun can be.  Any director who casts Seagal, but barely allows him to beat people up (and directs the fight scenes so shoddily when he does), and Pressly, but keeps her body mostly hidden from the camera, is clearly one who squanders opportunities.

Also with Joe Spano (HILL STREET BLUES), Peter Greene, Tish Daniels and Pyun regulars Norbert Weisser and Kevin Gage.  Despite their high billing in the credits and in the trailer, rap stars Nas and Chilli (of TLC) receive only a couple of minutes of screen time.  Look for a strange cameo by Ice-T that seems to have suspiciously been spliced in from a different feature.  Music by Serge Colbert.  No fewer than 12 (!) producers are credited, not including Pyun, whose Filmwerks company was involved in the project.  I wonder who provided the leather jackets worn by virtually every major cast member.  TICKER marks a step down for Seagal, who followed up the abysmal direct-to-video THE PATRIOT with EXIT WOUNDS, which was a decent theatrical hit in early 2001.

TICKS (1993)--Directed by Tony Randel. Stars Peter Scolari, Ami Dolenz, Alfonso Ribiero. Wimpy dad Scolari takes his girlfriend, daughter and an ethnically diverse group of teenage delinquents on a weekend camping trip. They are attacked by giant killer ticks that have mutated, courtesy of a batch of fertilizer pumped with steroids. The group must also contend with a pair of redneck marijuana farmers. Film is seriously remiss in the nudity department, although there are plenty of explosions, blood and goo--that is, if you like that sort of thing. Also with Clint and Rance Howard--brother and father of Ron--Seth Green and Rosalind Allen (with those beautiful green eyes). Dolenz is the daughter of Monkee Micky. Doug Beswick handled the OK FX. From the director of HELLRAISER II: HELLBOUND.

TIED UP (2000)--Directed by Anthony Hickox.  Stars Dolph Lundgren, Danielle Brett.  Setting this erotic thriller in Boston during the 1970's was an interesting touch (I assume that's the setting of the Frederick Lindsay novel upon which the film is based) and an unusual one for a low-budget film, but it adds little to this senseless policier with few surprises and less action.  Ex-cop Matt Sorenson (Lundgren) returns home for the funeral of his brother, who may have been murdered by a female serial killer targeting men who are into rough sex.  The brother's widow Irene (Brett) confirms her husband's sadistic tendencies, which lead Matt's investigation into the seedy underworld of prostitution and S&M.  The killer's identity will come as little surprise, and Lundgren, who I believe is an underrated actor, still isn't quite good enough to pull off the tricky role of an alcoholic, sexually confused loner.  Also released as JILL THE RIPPER.

TIGER CLAWS III (1999)—Directed by J. Stephen Maunder.  Stars Jalal Merhi, Cynthia Rothrock, Loren Avedon, Carter Wong.  A glib but villainous martial artist improbably named Stryker Godunov (Avedon, who was the glib hero in NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER II and THE KING OF THE KICKBOXERS) somehow resurrects three ancient Chinese martial artists and uses them and their fireball-tossing skills to take over the underworld in New York’s Chinatown.  On his trail are cops Tarek Richards and Linda Masterson (Merhi and Rothrock, returning from the first two TIGER CLAWS movies).  Director Maunder, who also wrote the screenplay, is terrible at both jobs, creating a story that makes no sense and generates no suspense, and then helming it unsteadily.  Wong, whom you may recall from dozens of ‘70s Hong Kong flicks (such as DEADLY CHINA DOLL), shows up to train Richards, who needs to bulk up to avenge a personal loss.  This New Horizons production is dumb and boring, but doesn’t become infuriating until its total bullshit ending, which may be the most anticlimactic you’ve ever seen.  Maunder also wrote the first two TIGER CLAWS films and directed the second.

TIGER SHARK (1987)--Directed by Emmett Alston.  Stars Mike Stone, John Quade, Vic Silayan.  Stone, the legendary karate teacher of the stars (Elvis was one of his pupils), finally headlines his own cheap action picture.  Although he kills enough people in it, TIGER SHARK is most memorable for its colorful performance by ugly character actor Quade, who actually plays a good guy for the only time I can think of off the top of my head and handles the comic-relief sidekick part like a champion.  Tava Parker (Stone) heads to Sulanesia when his model girlfriend is kidnapped by Commie sympathizer Colonel Barro (Silayan).  Lots of bullets are fired, and many people die.  Some of the explosions are pretty big--perhaps bigger than Alston (DEMONWARP) intended, because he appears to have used the production sound on the soundtrack, resulting in a muffled effect.  Stone also wrote the film along with Lana Lee Jones, who also plays a role. 

TIGHTROPE (1984)--Directed by Richard Tuggle. Stars Clint Eastwood, Genevieve Bujold, Alison Eastwood, Dan Hedaya. Interesting psychological thriller with Clint putting a strange twist on his "Dirty Harry" character. Instead of Harry Callahan, Eastwood is New Orleans detective Wes Block, who is assigned a case involving a series of prostitute murders. The twist is that Block has used the services of many of the hookers himself, and the killer seems to be aware of Block's kinky sexual nature. Bujold has a strong role as a rape counselor who falls in love with Eastwood, despite his fear and/or hatred of women. Clint's performance is very good, and forced critics to begin to take him seriously as a filmmaker.

TIME AFTER TIME (1979)--Directed by Nicholas Meyer. Stars Malcolm McDowell, Mary Steenburgen, David Warner. Exciting and clever thriller with a terrific premise: Jack the Ripper (Warner) escapes from 1890s London in H.G. Wells's time machine and travels to modern-day San Francisco, where he continues to kill and mutilate women. Wells (McDowell) follows the killer, and falls in love with a bank teller played by Steenburgen. Warner is truly vile, and the chemistry between McDowell and Steenburgen is wonderful; in fact, the two actors fell in love making this movie and married soon afterward. Film is suspenseful and charming. Also with Charles Cioffi, Patti D'Arbanville and Joseph Maher. Meyer also wrote the screenplay. Terrific, old-fashioned score by Miklos Rosza.

TIME BOMB (1984)-Directed by Paul Krasny.  Stars Billy Dee Williams, Joseph Bottoms, Morgan Fairchild, Merlin Olsen.  FLAMINGO ROAD sexpot Fairchild plays the world's deadliest female terrorist (!), Renee DeSalles, in this dopey made-for-TV adventure.  Her cronies plot to hijack a load of plutonium being driven across the Texas desert in a super-duper gadget-ridden semi driven by old buddies Williams and Olsen and their youthful new sidekick Bottoms.  The film spends a lot of time focusing on the truck's shiny new technology and blinking lights and satellite tracking machinery and rotating machine gun turret, yet when it comes time for the drivers to use all this expensive equipment, it proves as limp as a noodle in Atlantis.  What a letdown.  Fairchild is, of course, ridiculously miscast and never even slightly believable as someone to be afraid of, and while Williams and Olsen are amiable enough, the teleplay by Westbrook Claridge leaves them little to do.  Not even Krasny, whose specialty is fast-paced action, can do much with this routine NBC timefiller.  Music by Sylvester Levay (AIRWOLF).  Keep an eye out for Lou Diamond Phillips.

TIME LIMIT (1957)--Directed by Karl Malden. Stars Richard Widmark, Richard Basehart, Martin Balsam, Rip Torn. Widmark also produced this suspenseful courtroom drama about a Korean War POW suspected of treason. The Army brass wants their chief prosecutor (Widmark) to wrap the case up quickly, but even though the accused (Basehart) refuses to tell his side of the story, Widmark is convinced of the man's innocence. Malden, an Oscar-winning actor himself, concentrates on character and performance, while the script by Henry Denker (based upon his play) focuses on morality and sacrifice. Torn is very good in one of his earliest film roles. Also with Dolores Michaels, June Lockhart, Carl Benton Reid, Alan Dexter, Yale Wexler and Manning Ross. Music by Fred Steiner. Malden's only film as a director.

THE TIME MACHINE (1960)--Directed by George Pal. Stars Rod Taylor, Yvette Mimieux, Alan Young, Sebastian Cabot, Whit Bissell. Fun fantasy starring Taylor as a 19th-century time-traveler who finds himself in the year 802,701. He comes across the Eloi, a group of young apathetic colonists who are frequently brutalized by the vicious mutant Morlocks. Taylor teaches the Eloi to fight back, falling in love with the beautiful mute Weena (Mimieux) in the process. Plenty of action and good special effects. Taylor is a rugged hero.

THE TIME MACHINE (2002)--Directed by Simon Wells.  Stars Guy Pearce, Samantha Mumba, Jeremy Irons, Mark Addy, Sienna Guillory.  Here we go again.  Just weeks after MGM's abysmal ROLLERBALL stumbled into theaters, we're presented with another remake of a well-known science fiction adventure.  Like 1975's ROLLERBALL, the 1960 version of THE TIME MACHINE, which starred rugged Rod Taylor and was directed by George Pal, would seem perfectly suited for revamping.  It's a fun little movie, but Pal, for all his charm and imagination, was a better producer than director whose reach overstepped his budgetary grasp (although the film did win an Academy Award for its visual effects).  For all its faults, however, Pal's film is still more entertaining than DreamWorks' new rendition, which fails to duplicate the Pal film's most ingratiating qualities:  its whimsy and its sociopolitical context.

Of course, both films are based upon the 1895 novel by H.G. Wells (who created the very concept of "time machines"), which was based upon the premise that the two social classes in England at the time--the lower and the upper--would eventually split apart into completely different species:  the fancy-free Eloi, who frolicked on the Earth's surface, laughing and skipping and eating, and the working-class Morlocks, who lived underground providing for the Eloi's every needs.  And--oh, yes--in exchange, using the Eloi as food.  The 1960 film retains some of Wells' concepts, adding a specific "no nukes" message, but the new version, directed by Wells' great-grandson Simon, is devoid of subtext, wit or romanticism, substituting a clichéd and underwritten love story instead.

At the turn of the 20th century, Alexander Hartdegen (Guy Pearce) is an absent-minded inventor teaching engineering at a university in New York (foolishly switched from London as a result of Hollywood's mistaken belief that the United States is the Center of the Universe), the kind of guy who has to be reminded by his jovial pal Filby (Mark Addy) of his date in Central Park with the beautiful Emma (Sienna Guillory).  He still forgets to bring the flowers he promised her, but he does remember an engagement ring, and asks Emma to marry him.  Their engagement lasts about two minutes, however, since a mugger then shoots and kills her.  Four years pass, and Alexander has become a recluse in his home whose only thoughts are of constructing a device that will allow him to travel backwards in time to save her.  In the original TIME MACHINE, Rod Taylor's character, George, was motivated to time-travel by a romantic curiosity for what lies ahead for mankind and an optimistic belief that Things Will Be Better.  On the other hand, Alexander's quest is fueled by his narcissistic need to make his own life better by saving the woman he loves (a story element which, admittedly, might have worked if the script had successfully convinced us of their romantic bond).  Since we have all seen time travel plots before and know that History Can Never Be Changed, the next several minutes are useless filler as we watch Alexander try--and fail--to save Emma's life (bad sign--the audience snickered audibly at this part).

Why can't Alexander change the past?  "Just 'cause" isn't a good enough answer for him, and he travels forward in time to find out.  The special effects sequences of Alexander watching the world around him change in "fast motion" are the film's most charming and are taken directly from the 1960 movie (the evocative machine itself closely resembles Pal's).  Eventually he lands in the year 802,701, when the moon's destruction has caused mankind to split into the Eloi and Morlocks.  Alexander befriends lovely Eloi Mara (played by Irish-born teen pop singer Samantha Mumba), who before long is, of course, kidnapped by the Morlocks (played alternately by fake-looking CGI creations and stuntmen in rubber suits) in a scene ripped off directly from PLANET OF THE APES.  Again, not out of any altruistic motive of helping a downtrodden species against The Man, but just because they happened to steal his new girl (and remember, this is about "two days" after he watched his fiancé die for the second time), Alexander decides to strike back against the Morlocks.

Instead of lifting a single finger to add imagination or logic to their film, director Wells (who was replaced by THE MEXICAN's Gore Verbinski during shooting after he suffered a nervous breakdown) and scripter John Logan (GLADIATOR) go through the motions of making a SF film, while dumbing it down the best they can.  The climax, involving a poorly made-up Jeremy Irons (who looks like he stepped off the set of the LOST IN SPACE TV show) as a mysterious Super Morlock with grand mental powers duking it out with Pearce, who manages to climb a mountain and run miles in mere seconds, is as stupid as it is incoherent, while the performances are strictly phoned-in at best.  Hiring a pop star to be an actress is usually a sure sign that the director doesn't really know what the art of acting entails, and Mumba is proof of that.  Pearce, he of those classically sunken cheekbones, lacks both energy and action-hero machismo, and Irons shows that his legendarily awful performance in 2000's DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS was no fluke.

Do artists who choose to adapt novels or remake older films have a responsibility to remain faithful to the subject matter?  I don't think so, but I do believe they should take a close look to discover what elements made the originals work or not work, then jettison the bad stuff and put a fresh spin on the good stuff.  With THE TIME MACHINE, DreamWorks has done just the opposite, leaving audiences wishing for a better time at the movies.  Also with Orlando Jones, Omero Mumba, Yancey Arias, Phyllida Law and a blink-and-you'll-miss-him cameo by Alan Young (MR. ED), who played Filby in the Pal version.  Music by Klaus Badelt.

TIME SERVED (1999)--Directed by Glen Pitre.  Stars Catherine Oxenberg, Jeff Fahey, Louise Fletcher, Bo Hopkins, James Handy, Lourdes Colon.  Thank you, Glen Pitre, for proving that sleazy women-in-prison flicks will never die.  This preposterous slice of trashy dumb fun takes the basic WIP premise of a sweet, innocent young woman sentenced to a lifetime of torture and degradation for a crime she didn't commit and updates for the 21st century by adding a trendy subplot involving strip clubs.  And if you're wondering how a film could possibly mix strippers and convicts, then you obviously haven't seen enough of these WIPs.

Sarah McKinney (Oxenberg) faces serious jail time after her young son blows away his abusive stepfather with a gun he found upstairs.  Even though the case is an obvious example of self-defense, Sarah claims that she killed her husband and is handed a ridiculously stiff jail term by Judge Engstrom (Handy), a psychopath who retires to his chambers, fondles his gun and rambles on to himself about how all women are whores.  On to prison, where Sarah is forced to strip and is assigned to a hot lesbian cellmate, Rosie (Colon), who propositions her right out of the gate. The roomie bears no grudge, and even offers Sarah a chance to become part of the cool crowd, a way to escape the hazing, brutality and cruel working conditions part of everyday prison life.  Y'see, Rosie is part of the prison's unique work release program, a project spearheaded by the corrupt warden (Fletcher) and a slimeball named Mr. D (Hopkins).  Violating all levels of common sense and the law, the sexier prisoners are allowed out at night to dance at Mr. D's swanky strip joint.  Sarah resists at first, not wanting to stoop to that level (somehow she finds scrubbing floors more dignified), but for some reason, it's enormously important to everyone else that Sarah works at the club, and they go to great extremes to put pressure on her.  Eventually, she caves in, and an ever-grateful audience is glad that she does, since Sarah, for all her primness, turns out to be a surprisingly gifted stripper, almost as though she had been practicing for a film role...

The story grows even sillier, if you can believe it, as Sarah's incompetent attorney, Patrick (Fahey), begins to feel a tad guilty about being such a poor lawyer, and after a few visits with Sarah's vegetable son (remember him?), takes measures to overturn his client's conviction.  His methods include sneaking into Mr. D's to watch her dance and hacking into governmental files to investigate Mr. D's finances.  I doubt you'll be surprised to learn that Judge Engstrom's ugly head rears up later in the story.  Or that the exterior of the strip club appears to be nothing more than a wooden façade awkwardly placed randomly in the middle of a parking lot.  Or that most of the prisoners possess perfect surgically enhanced breasts and a shocking affinity for exotic dancing.

Oxenberg is a pretty good sport, showing up on the set every day knowing she was going to have to do something shamelessly embarrassing for a film hardly worth the effort.  Hopkins is having a pretty good time, camping it up with a silly accent, while Fahey, who plays dim bulbs pretty well (perhaps THE LAWNMOWER MAN was good preparation), spices up his work with the knowledge that he's in a stupid film that nonetheless paid him his going rate.  MAGNUM, P.I. sidekick Larry Manetti pops up as well in this entertaining trashfest filmed around Chicago.  If you know someone who claims, "Gee, they just don't make 'em the way they used to," just show this to him. Tasteless, absurd, filled with gratuitous nudity and a complete lack of logic-just like WIPs in the old days.

A TIME TO DIE (1991)--Directed by Charles T. Kanganis.  Stars Traci Lords, Jeff Conaway, Robert Miano, Richard Roundtree.  Low-budget filmmakers were obsessed with casting the hideously untalented and unphotogenic Conaway (TAXI) in erotic thrillers for a few years.  I have no idea why.  He was cheap, I guess.  He’s the unlikely romantic lead in this awful PM movie, playing a detective who romances a freelance photographer (Lords) on parole for coke possession.  She didn’t do it, of course; she was set up by Conaway’s corrupt colleague (Miano), whom she just happens to see executing a pimp in cold blood.  Traci snaps his pic, putting herself and her son (in the custody of her ex) in mortal jeopardy.  Traci is actually pretty good, maybe even more so, considering how lame the script and direction are.  The action is practically nil, and Roundtree is wasted as a gruff police captain.  Music by Louis Febre.  Also with Jesse Thomas, Daphne Cheung and Bradford Bancroft.  Kanganis and Lords also made INTENT TO KILL for PM Entertainment.

A TIME TO KILL (1996)--Directed by Joel Schumacher. Stars Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey. John Grisham legal thriller featuring an all-star cast and a slick Hollywood look at race relations in the South. A black Mississippi man (Jackson) goes on trial for killing the two white rednecks who raped his 10-year-old daughter. Fearing it's impossible for a black man to receive a fair verdict from an all-white jury, he turns to local lawyer Jake Brigance (McConaughey in his first starring role) for help. Kind of a "lite" version of TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD; more of a summer popcorn movie than a serious look at race and justice. Cast is good though (except Kiefer Sutherland as a thinly-scripted Klan member); supporting players include Oliver Platt, Ashley Judd (who sweats a LOT and looks great), Donald Sutherland, Patrick McGoohan (as Judge Omar Noose), M. Emmet Walsh, Chris Cooper and Kurtwood Smith. Screenplay by Schumacher crony Akiva Goldsman (BATMAN FOREVER); score by Elliot Goldenthal. McConaughey looks like he'll be around for awhile.

THE TIME TRAVELERS (1964)--Directed by Ib Melchior. Stars Preston Foster, Philip Carey, Merry Anders, Steve Franken, John Hoyt. Melchior, who claims Irwin Allen swiped his idea for LOST IN SPACE (and did receive a credit in New Line's theatrical remake), directed this interesting science fiction movie using more ambitious than bucks, thanks to the clever special effects work of co-writer David L. Hewitt. While the sets and miniatures aren't anything special, Hewitt used ordinary stage magic to achieve such effects as the removal and replacement of an android's head and the transportation (predating STAR TREK) of Franken from one platform to another. Some of the results are a bit obvious, but achieving the FX work "in camera" must have added a few dollars to the regular shooting budget, which this cheap-looking picture surely needed.

On an unnamed college campus, four scientists--stern older Dr. von Steiner (Foster), who wears a monocle so well remember he's German; hot-headed Dr. Connors (Carey); blonde Carol (Anders); and youthful comic relief Danny (Franken), who annoyingly exclaims "Holy McKee!" to express astonishment--accidentally open a time portal to the not-too-distant future--the year 2071, to be exact. Stumbling through, they're shocked to discover that the Earth is a burnt-out wasteland--the result of a nuclear holocaust. Unable to return to the present while chased by mutants (played by various Los Angeles Lakers), the group finds safety in some nearby caves, where they are rescued by some faceless androids. The androids take their 20th-century visitors to their leaders, the last remnants of human civilization, who are building a spaceship to Alpha Centauri V, where they plan to colonize as New Earth. The foursome resigns themselves to their new lives amongst the stars, until they're informed by friendly Council leader Varno (Hoyt) that there's no room for them onboard their spaceship, and that they have less than a month to return to their own time or perish at the hands of the vicious mutants.

THE TIME TRAVELERS may be best remembered for its downbeat twist ending, which was quite innovative for the time and was even copied in Hewitt's uncredited remake JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME. Although plagued by cheap production values and a few stiff performances, Melchior displays plenty of imagination and does a nice job getting it on the screen. Cameramen Vilmos Zsigmond and Laszlo Kovacs enliven the many cave sets with bright colors, and the violent finale features a surprising amount of brutality and bloodshed. Also with PLAYBOY Playmate Delores Wells, Joan Woodbury, Dennis Patrick and Forrest J. Ackerman. The bold (often overly so) score is by Richard DeSalle. Released by American-International. From the director of THE ANGRY RED PLANET.

TIME TRAVELERS (1976)—Directed by Alexander Singer. Stars Sam Groom, Tom Hallick, Richard Basehart, Francine York. It seems impossible that Rod Serling, the crafter of literate science fiction on TWILIGHT ZONE, and Irwin Allen, whose schlocky shows like LOST IN SPACE represent TV sci-fi at its junkiest, could ever collaborate, but this busted pilot was produced by Allen from a Serling story. Jackson Gillis penned the awful teleplay of this TIME TUNNEL ripoff that sends hunky Hallick and Groom (POLICE SURGEON) backward in time to the Chicago Fire of 1871. This allows Singer and Allen to raid the Fox vault for IN OLD CHICAGO stock footage to pad the disaster scenes. The time “tunnel” is ludicrously cheap—a staircase covered in fog. The highlight is an overacting Basehart as a gruff Chicago doctor who may hold the cure to a 1976 epidemic. The leads make Bob Colbert and Jimmy Darren look like Redford and Newman. Also with Trish Stewart, Booth Colman, Dort Clark, Walter Brooke, Richard Webb, Albert Cole, and Patrick Culliton. Music by Morton Stevens.

TIMEBOMB (1990)--Directed by Avi Nesher. Stars Michael Biehn, Patsy Kensit, Richard Jordan. I kind of liked this low-budget straight-to-video thriller about a simple watchmaker (Biehn) who is actually a brainwashed government assassin who is marked for termination by the man (Jordan) who created him. Biehn does well as a normal guy who has no conscious knowledge of his double life, and is afraid of finding out who he really is. Good cast includes Robert Culp, Raymond St. Jacques, Billy Blanks, Ray Boom Boom Mancini and Tracy Scoggins. One of Jordan's last film appearances.

TIMECOP (1994)--Directed by Peter Hyams. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mia Sara, Ron Silver. One of J-C's best movies casts the Muscles from Brussels as a government agent of the future whose job is to prevent criminals from escaping into the past and changing history for their own gain. The main villain is an evil politician played by Silver, who discovers the secret to time travel and has Van Damme's wife murdered in our present. The plot is sometimes confusing, but Van Damme is likable, handles the action scenes well, and seems more comfortable than usual. He later reteamed with Hyams for SUDDEN DEATH. Also with Bruce McGill and Gloria Reuben. Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert were the executive producers of this box-office hit based on a Dark Horse comic. Filmed in Vancouver.

TIMECOP: THE BERLIN DECISION (2003)--Directed by Stephen Boyum.  Stars Jason Scott Lee, Thomas Ian Griffith.  Here's another unnecessary direct-to-video sequel by the director of SLAP SHOT 2. By the year 2025, time travel is not only possible, but apparently so easy that criminals are doing it willy-nilly in attempts to change history for their own benefit.  To that end, the government has trained a series of "timecops"--police officers who follow the perpetrators into the past to prevent them from breaching time.  One such breach--an assassination attempt on Hitler in 1940 by renegade timecop Brandon Miller (Griffith)--finds Miller's wife dead as the result of a bullet fired by Miller's friend and fellow time cop Ryan Chan (Lee).  After serving two years in a federal penitentiary, Miller escapes into time and begins killing the ancestors of his fellow timecops in a ruthless attempt to prevent his former colleagues from ever being born.  The script by Gary Scott Thompson (THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS) is needlessly complex, sending Lee after Griffith through one time period after another, a process that former stuntman Boyum is unable to realistically portray on his woeful budget.  A veteran cast does its best, but is let down not only by the confusing script, but also Boyum's poorly directed fight scenes.  I guess, at 80 minutes, it's hard to complain that this movie wears out its welcome, but it kinda does.  Mary Page Keller (DUET), John Beck (EXTREME LIMITS) and the lovely Tava Smiley provide support.  TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION is printed on the label, box and advertising, but there's no numeral in the on-screen title.  Soap actor T.W. King starred in ABC's shortlived TV series, which is occasionally rerun on the Sci-Fi Channel.

TIMELINE (2003)--Directed by Richard Donner.  Stars Paul Walker, Frances O'Connor, Billy Connolly, Gerard Butler.  Based on a novel by Michael Crichton, this simpleminded adventure features Scottish comic Connolly as an archeologist who becomes trapped in the past; 1357 France, to be exact.  The scientists who sent him there recruit some of his students and his surfer-dude son (Walker) to go back and get him.  You might ask why they don't send trained soldiers instead, but when you discover how idiotic and psychologically unbalanced the three Marines who accompany the students on their journey are, maybe it's just as well that they didn't.  The party just happens to arrive on a pivotal date in European history on the site of a major battle between the English and the French.  And they have just six hours to find Connolly and activate the "marker" which will transport them home.  Paramount and Donner have delivered a product that is slick, handsome, but unfortunately empty-headed.  Logically, Jeff Maguire and George Nolti's script doesn't hold much water, and Donner's (or the studio's) insistence upon saddling us with the banal Walker, when we'd rather be following the more dashing Butler, is inexcusable.  Brian Tyler delivers a decent enough score as a substitute for Jerry Goldsmith's, which was replaced when TIMELINE underwent drastic recutting and post-production changes.  Also with David Thewlis, Ethan Embry, Matt Craven, Anna Friel and Neal McDonough.  Canada fills in for France.

TIMERIDER: THE ADVENTURE OF LYLE SWANN (1982)--Directed by William Dear. Stars Fred Ward, Belinda Bauer, Peter Coyote, Richard Masur, Ed Lauter, Tracey Walter, L.Q. Jones, Chris Mulkey, Macon McCalman, Bruce Gordon. If a biker sci-fi western could ever be considered low-key, this collaboration between future HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS director Dear and former Monkee Mike Nesmith would be it. Ward (Gus Grissom in THE RIGHT STUFF) is well cast as Swann, a champion off-road motorcycle racer who zips across the desert right through a secret time-travel experiment and finds himself smack dab in 1877! There, he crosses paths with murderous outlaw Porter Reese (Coyote) and his dimwitted sidekicks, Claude (Masur) and Carl (Walter) Dorsett, who manage to steal Swann’s cycle. The attractive Bauer (FLASHDANCE) provides eye candy as an improbably liberated woman who forces Lyle to sleep with her. Lotta arm-twisting there. Dear directs without urgency, and it’ll be up to you to decide whether the ramble-tamble pace is a good thing or bad. It plays more like an episode of a TIMERIDER TV series than the most spectacular event of Lyle Swann’s life. Nesmith, who used Dear in his shortlived NBC series TELEVISION PARTS, co-wrote the screenplay with Dear, composed the mellow score, plays a cameo role, and “presented” TIMERIDER.

Copyright 2003 Marty McKee