The latest release from the Dimension Films scare factory is THEY, which is billed as "A Wes Craven Presentation", even though Craven's name appears nowhere else in the credits, not even as executive producer, a nebulous credit routinely bestowed upon everyone from agents to stars' relatives.  The irony is that THEY is actually much better than the other films Craven has "presented", making it a mystery why his, um, participation in this one is less notable.  It has a terrific premise, a properly chilling opening, and a couple of fine performances, yet suffers from "PG-13-itis", a chicken-hearted reticence to develop its genre trappings far enough to offer titillation instead of tease and the visceral satisfaction the material requires.

Writer Brendan William Hood's concept is a strong one:  what if the spooky things that scared you as a child, like monsters under the bed or in the closet, were actually real, and after you grew up, they came back to drag you away?  In the effective pre-credits opening, we see such a thing happen to little Billy, whose cries to Mommy for help go unheeded as the lad is dragged, jammies and all, under the bed screaming.  Nineteen years later, Billy (now played by BOSTON PUBLIC's Jon Abrahams) is back, but an emotional wreck, constantly calling upon his childhood friend Julia Lund (Laura Regan) for late-night soul searching and paranoia-soothing pep talks.  Their common ground is the "night terrors" both suffered as children and which have led Julia to pursue her Master's degree in psychology.

With her thesis presentation on the way and her city being tormented by tumultuous thunderstorms and power outages, Julia's life is thrown into further disarray when Billy, ranting about monsters from the dark and a mysterious wound on his hand, commits suicide in front of her.  At the funeral, she meets two of Billy's friends, arty couple Sam (Ethan Embry) and Terry (Dagmara Dominczyk), who also suffered from night terrors as children and believe the same spook-show denizens that drove Billy to kill himself are stalking them.  It's a story too outlandish for Julia to believe, that is until the same wound that manifested on Billy appears on her as well.

Director Robert Harmon, whose creepshow credits include THE HITCHER, knows the mechanics of horror movie-making and that the terrors that are merely suggested can be much worse than those we can see.  The "they" are never seen clearly, just glimpses of dark, indistinct bat-like creatures that move quickly and kill even faster.  Like SEVEN, the world Julia inhabits seems drenched in night and continuous rainfall, and the sense of isolation is heightened by the film's shortage of extraneous characters.  However, THEY is unwilling to go far enough to satisfy the requirements of a good horror film.  The body count is much too low, and when a character does meet his or her end, it's done in quick flashes and demure cutaways.  How can we as an audience be frightened of these night terrors if we don't know what happens to their victims?  Is it a painful death?  Are they chopped up and eaten?  Are they sentenced to an eternity of watching the trailer for THE HOT CHICK?  As far as we know, they're just dragged away into limbo.  Dimension's hunt for the Almighty PG-13 becomes especially distracting in scenes involving female nudity.  Every fifteen minutes, Harmon teases us with a shower scene or bedroom scene that I suppose is supposed to tantalize the audience, but merely becomes annoying in its acrobatic attempt to avoid nudity (one woman even showers in her swimsuit, for crying out loud).  A scene in which a bra-and-panties-clad Julia asks her boyfriend Paul (Marc Blucas) to check her body for sores becomes hilariously absurd when she asks if he has checked every inch of her, since it's obvious that he hasn't looked everywhere.

Regan does an effective job making us care about her character.  A gamine combination of Ellen Greene and Mia Farrow, she projects great vulnerability, and even though Hood and Harmon force her character to act foolishly near the end to create false suspense, Regan's determined spunk keeps us in her corner, right up to the surprisingly bleak and ambiguous final image.  It's too bad the rest of THEY isn't as focused, since the promise shown in its opening and closing is squandered by the filmmakers' restraint.

THEY CALL HER ONE EYE--See THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE.

THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS (1972)--Directed by James Goldstone. Stars James Garner, Katharine Ross. Two years before THE ROCKFORD FILES debuted, Garner played easy-going Abel Marsh, police chief of sleepy, coastal Eden Landing, California. Abel returns from a week's vacation to discover a local woman, Jenny Campbell, was found dead on the beach near her house. Her pet Doberman is initially blamed for her death, but Abel discovers she actually was drowned in her own bathtub. As Abel continues his investigation, sordid details of Jenny's life are exposed: she left her husband for another woman; she liked to take pornographic photographs; she was pregnant and unmarried at the time of her death. While piecing together the clues, Abel becomes involved with a pretty young veterinarian (Ross), whom Abel learns may also be involved in Mrs. Campbell's death.

Although filmed for theatrical release, THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS has an intimate, small-screen feel that actually works in its favor. Director Goldstone and writer Lane Slate--both television vets--do a nice job establishing Eden Landing's homey setting--the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else in town and the informal police force borrows the official car to take their wives to the dentist. The mystery unfolds in classic fashion, and, although it seems the murderer's identity pops out of nowhere, the script plays fair and sprinkles the right clues if the audience knows where to look for them. Garner is good in a role not far removed from his Rockford persona (although I thought Marsh was a little too mean-spirited at times), and MGM compiled a marvelous cast of supporting actors: Hal Holbrook, June Allyson, Harry Guardino, Ann Rutherford, Tom Ewell, Arthur O'Connell, Edmond O'Brien. Also with Christopher Connelly, Peter Lawford, Art Metrano, Jason Wingreen and Royce Applegate. Perry Botkin, Jr.'s acoustic guitar-and-piano score is excellent. This was the last feature to be shot on MGM's historic backlot. Garner and Ross starred together in MISTER BUDDWING. Slate later worked on THE ROCKFORD FILES.

THEY WERE SO YOUNG (1954)—Directed by Kurt Neumann.  Stars Scott Brady, Raymond Burr, Johanna Matz.  European models answering an ad are brought to Rio de Janeiro, ostensibly to work for an agency, which actually holds the girls prisoner and rents them as sex slaves.  German Eve (Matz) manages to escape, but when the police refuse to believe her story, she ends up on the sleeve of American mining engineer Dick Lanning (Brady).  He buys her tale and takes her to hide out with his friend, the very wealthy Brazilian businessman Jaime Coltos (Burr, not bothering with an accent).  However, when Lanning exposes Coltos as a liar, it seems as though Eve may actually be in worse danger than before.  Neumann (THE FLY) does a good job moving this West German co-production right along.  It doesn’t get bogged down in sleaze, but provides just enough sordid information to let you know just how much danger Eve is in.  Brady and Burr provide strong performances; given the film runs only 77 minutes, the stars aren’t given a lot of time for backstory, but manage to quickly and cleanly provide the audience of just enough history to establish the stakes.  Also with Ingrid Stenn, Kurt Meisel, Gisela Fackeldey and Gert Frobe (GOLDFINGER).

THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE (1984)—Directed by Howard Avedis.  Stars Sybil Danning, Eric Brown, Andrew Prine.  It’s hard to say that the director of THE TEACHER and THE FIFTH FLOOR was ahead of his time, but he might have been in this case.  THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE, which New World released theatrically, plays very much like the sort of erotic thriller that played pay cable ad nauseum after the meteoric success of BASIC INSTINCT in 1992.  It’s half soft porn, half slasher flick and 100% lame.

College student Jay (Brown, basically doing the same shtick he did in PRIVATE LESSONS) is seduced by his super-stacked literature professor Diane (Danning, playing a Ph.D. who teaches MACBETH) into pranking her mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law.  She and her husband Michael (Prine) convince Jay to scare the old biddies into leaving their mansion so they can be committed to an old folk’s home and Michael can control the estate.  The dumb plan goes wrong, and the old women are murdered by a masked assailant.  We know it isn’t Jay, so it must be either Diane or Michael, who have motive.  Or I suppose it could be the alcoholic maid or the creepy gardener.  Oh, hell, maybe Jay’s hot stalker ex-girlfriend or his fat friend who likes mustard on his pizza.

You’ll figure out who the killer is long before the end, not that any of it is plausible.  Despite the number of dead bodies, no one ever calls the cops, and the number of plot contrivances in Avedis and wife Marlene Schmidt’s screenplay is quite staggering.  On the other hand, Sybil pops her top in several shower and sex scenes, ensuring that once you’ve seen this film, you’ll not likely forget it.  She has a staggering body, which is really the only reason you should ever want to tackle this tame thriller.  Also with Paul Clemens, Dominic Brascia, Beth Shaffel, Suzanne Kennedy, Gene Bicknell, K.T. Stevens and Alvy Moore (GREEN ACRES).  Music by Paul Cacavas.

THIEF (1981)--Directed by Michael Mann. Stars James Caan, Tuesday Weld, Jim Belushi, Willie Nelson, Robert Prosky. Caan is very good as an independent-minded jewel thief trying to remain his own boss, despite the influence of mob boss Prosky. Despite the protests from wife Weld, Caan decides to tackle one more job for Prosky before retiring for good and going straight. Country singer Nelson has a warm presence as Caan's prison mentor; Belushi is credible in a dramatic role as Caan's partner on the outside. Mann (in his feature debut) delivers some stirring visuals, and Tangerine Dream's interesting electronic score adds a bit of tension. After this, Caan entered a self-imposed retirement that lasted until 1987's GARDENS OF STONE.

A THIEF IN THE NIGHT (1972)—Directed by Donald W. Thompson.  Stars Patty Dunning, Colleen Niday, Mike Niday, Maryann Rachford, Thom Rachford, Russell S. Doughten Jr.  One of the most widely seen films ever made has probably never been shown in a movie theater, at least not under the circumstances of a regular release.  The first in a series of four independently produced thrillers made by the Iowa-based Mark IV Pictures, A THIEF IN THE NIGHT, according to director Thompson, has been seen by 100 million people, including those who have seen it more than once.  Even if the true figure is half of that (and it probably is at least that), it’s a remarkable feat for a picture that screened, mostly in 16mm prints, in church basements and revival tents for decades.

Thompson and executive producer Doughten’s point was, I suppose, to scare the beejeezus out of church-goers who had not yet committed themselves to Christianity.  A young woman named Patty (Dunning) prefers having fun with her new boyfriend Jim (Mike Niday) to attending church services with her friend Jenny (Colleen Niday), who has just discovered Jesus.  Jim, too, becomes Born Again after a brush with death inflicted by a cobra bite!  One morning, Patty awakens to a newscast announcing that millions of the world’s population has vanished into thin air.  Rushing into the bathroom, Patty finds Jim’s electric razor lying in the sink…he’s gone too.

It appears as though The Rapture has occurred.  Jesus has returned to take all the Christians to heaven, and the rest of the population suffers under a new one-world government improbably quickly formed by the United Nations.  In order to survive under the new regime, or even just to buy food and clothes, one must wear the Mark (of the Beast), which is permanently stamped on the back of the hand or the forehead.  Patty refuses, and becomes the target of a government hit team that chases her in a van and a helicopter.

It’s hard to believe this crude Evangelical picture could frighten anyone, but anecdotal evidence indicates that it has.  Perhaps the amateurish performances (by local actors) worked to its advantage, reminding audiences of themselves.  At only 68 minutes, one can hardly quibble with the pacing, and the location shooting and production values, particularly during the chase sequence in the final reel, inject some excitement into the film.  Larry Norman’s song, “I Wish We’d All Been Ready,” which appears during the opening titles and again, memorably, at the end, became something of a Christian rock anthem based on its use here.

Six years later, Thompson, Doughten and some of the cast members, particularly Dunning, returned for the Revelation-themed sequel, A DISTANT THUNDER.  It was followed by IMAGE OF THE BEST and, finally, 1983’s THE PRODIGAL PLANET, where themes and characters developed in A THIEF IN THE NIGHT were carried through to a catastrophic conclusion.  Mark IV Pictures is long gone, but its films are now available through RD Films, which is operated in Des Moines by Doughten.

THE THIN RED LINE (1998)--Directed by Terrence Malick. Stars Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, Adrien Brody, Ben Chaplin. Malick is one of Hollywood's most legendary figures. After writing and directing two critically acclaimed films in the '70s (BADLANDS in 1973 and DAYS OF HEAVEN in '78), Malick turned his back on filmmaking, and dropped out of sight. Just about every male star in Hollywood campaigned for a role in this remake of James Jones's World War II novel (which was made into a movie starring Cornel Wilde in 1964)--some of them even agreeing to audition.

The result of one of filmdom's most eagerly anticipated films is this pretentious, slowly paced and well-photographed drama following a group of soldiers and its travails at Guadalcanal. The battle scene that makes up the middle third is exciting and thought-provoking, but it's bookended by a series of ponderous flashbacks, stream-of-consciousness ramblings and nature photography that makes me wonder if Malick himself had any idea what he wanted to accomplish. To tie all of this footage together, he has his actors recite boring narration about the meaning of life and war and the futility of it all and other existential babblings. Penn as a cynical sergeant and Nolte as a career-oriented colonel give the film's best performances; unfortunately the rest of the cast is mostly made up of bland young faces who are so indistinguishable that it's hard to keep track of who's on screen and stars (like George Clooney, John Travolta and Woody Harrelson) who pop up in distracting cameos (although to give Malick his due, he may have been forced by the studio to use familiar names in order to secure financing). Music by Hans Zimmer. Cinematography by Oscar-winner John Toll (BRAVEHEART).

THE THING (1982)--Directed by John Carpenter. Stars Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, Richard Masur, Richard Dysart. This gory remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD was released two weeks after E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, and was a box-office flop. It's now considered to be one of Carpenter's best films. A group of men at an Antarctic research station is stalked AND THEN THERE WERE NONE-style by a creature from outer space that has the chameleonic ability to assume the guise of anyone it comes into contact with. The paranoia and mistrust build as each of the men begins to suspect the others of being monsters. Russell, in his third teaming with Carpenter (after ELVIS and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK), is comfortable as anti-heroic chopper pilot MacReady, who is forced into a leadership role that he doesn't want. Carpenter's taut direction, Dean Cundey's moody widescreen photography, Ennio Morricone's creepy score and Rob Bottin's frequently nauseous creature effects combine for a very freaky fright experience. Bottin, who was just 22 at the time, created some of the most imaginative monsters ever put on the screen (the spider-head is my favorite), and may cause even the most fervent gorehound to look away. The fine cast of character actors--including Keith David, David Clennon, Charles Hallahan, Donald Moffat and T.K. Carter--are terrific. Partially filmed on location in Alaska and British Columbia. The nihilistic ending was unusual for a summer studio blockbuster.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)--Directed by Lee Frost. Stars Ray Milland, Rosey Grier, Don Marshall, Roger Perry. This inept and wacky two-headed thriller should not be confused with the previous years INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT. Milland (a long way from THE LOST WEEKEND) plays Dr. Kirshner, a bitter, bigoted, crippled transplant surgeon who plans to beat his terminal cancer by relocating his head onto the shoulders of a death row inmate. Unfortunately for Milland, at the last moment Kirshner's physician Desmond (Perry) is forced to use the body of a black man--hulking convicted murderer Jack Moss (Grier), who maintains his innocence. As you might expect, Jack is taken a bit aback when he awakens to find an extra head on his neck (and a mean, crabby, racist one to boot), so, taking young black doctor Williams (Marshall) as a hostage, he escapes, leading the police on a Blues Brothers-style chase filled with car stunts and crashes.

As absurd as it is, THE THING WITH TWO HEADS manages to remain respectable by playing its nutty plot tongue-in-cheek. The comedy isn't funny, but the fact that director Frost (CHAIN GANG WOMEN) and his co-writers, producer Wes Bishop (DIXIE DYNAMITE) and James Gordon White (THE GLORY STOMPERS), recognize the silliness of their story keeps it from sliding into an unwatchable mess. Ed Forsyth's editing is haphazard--the lengthy car chase sequence appears to have been assembled at random with cars just smashing into each other or into ditches without rhyme or reason. It's one of the longest chase sequences I've ever seen, and it contains enough smash-and-crash mayhem to keep you awake.

The dialogue is appropriately nutty, but is given more weight by the competent thesping of Milland and Grier, who must be having a dandy time. Perry plays the same straight-arrow type he did so well in the COUNT YORGA movies, while Marshall, just off his LAND OF THE GIANTS gig, works as well as he can, considering most of his lines are opposite an actor with another actor's head (and a neck brace) on his shoulder. Also with LAUGH-IN lovely Chelsea Brown as Rosey's girlfriend who asks, "Do you have two of anything else?", Kathy Baumann (CHROME AND HOT LEATHER), Roger Gentry, cameos by Frost and Bishop, Oscar-winning makeup artist Rick Baker as a two-headed gorilla, newsman Dick Whittington, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL producer Albert Zugsmith, and an unbilled cameo by William Smith. In addition to Robert O. Ragland's score, the music includes a song by Jerry Butler and a ridiculous Mike Curb Congregation piece performed by Grier, Brown and Marshall under the end credits.

THIRST (1979)--Directed by Rod Hardy. Stars Chantal Contouri, David Hemmings, Henry Silva. This arty, well-directed Australian vampire flick doesn't always make sense, but it certainly delivers in the chills department. The Brotherhood, an aristocratic group of blood drinkers that uses brainwashing to induce Chantal to join their organization, abducts pretty Frenchwoman Contouri, a descendant of Countess Elizabeth Bathory who bathed in the blood of hundreds of virgins to maintain her youth. They reside on a remote dairy farm where they harvest the blood of kidnap victims and ship it to Brotherhood members around the world in milk cartons. The word vampire is rarely spoken in this frequently scary flick with some imaginative dream sequences. Hemmings delivers an interesting performance as Brotherhood leader Eric, who appears sympathetic to Contouri. Much of this resembles the British TV series THE PRISONER. Silva has a very cool electrocution death scene. Music by Brian May (THE ROAD WARRIOR). Hardy's background was mainly in Australian TV; he helmed some episodes of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE remake, which was lensed Down Under, and more recently has worked on THE X-FILES.

THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN (1978)--Directed by Chia-Liang Liu.  Stars Gordon Liu, Lo Lieh.  Now here's a guy dedicated to revenge.  Young San Te (Liu) joins a Shaolin temple and rigorously studies martial arts for years until he's good enough to layeth down the smack on the soldiers who wiped out his family.  There are 35 chambers through which San Te must pass on the path to excellence, including trials of speed, stamina and weapons training.  Eventually he survives all 35 chambers, recruits an army of kung fu masters, and wipes out his enemies.  SHAOLIN is surprisingly low on action, which I reluctantly admit that I found disappointing.  However, it's also well-written and sumptuously produced, and Gordon Liu (later to appear in Quentin Tarantino's KILL BILL) is an affecting leading man.

THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED (2006)—Directed by Kirby Dick.  Dick’s cheeky look behind the curtain that obscures the Motion Picture Association of America’s mysterious ratings system caused quite a stir in its frequent festival screenings.  So much so that the MPAA announced afterward that it was considering a change in its rules and guidelines, although it refused to acknowledge that Dick’s film had anything to do with its decision.

THIS FILM looks into the MPAA’s long-rumored prejudice against independent films and scenes portraying sexuality, wondering why major Hollywood studio films appear to receive more lenient ratings and why it seems okay to show hundreds of people being slaughtered with machine guns, but not okay to picture two adults making love—particularly if they’re of the same gender.  Hypocrisy and Puritanism appear to be guiding the MPAA’s ratings board, as well as an out-of-touch conservatism that slapped an NC-17 on an early cut of TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE because of a graphic sex scene between a pair of puppets.

Helping Dick in his investigation is a lesbian private eye who helps him uncover the names of the MPAA’s ratings board, which are absolutely secret, not just from the public, but from the filmmakers themselves whose careers may lie in their hands.  Among the revelations is the fact that, although the MPAA publicly states that their ratings board consists solely of parents with school-age children, many of their offspring are adults, and at least one has no children at all.  In addition, when Dick submitted THIS FILM for a rating (it received an NC-17, unsurprisingly), he learns from an MPAA lawyer that the group had made a copy of his movie, which is not only a crime, it’s specifically singled out on the MPAA’s Web site as a very serious threat to the entertainment industry.

Although the film couldn’t have been made without the private investigator’s help, Dick’s film falters in the scenes showing her at work.  They have little to do with the movie’s mission statement and take screen time away from the juicy stuff.  Dick also interviews several moviemakers whose work has been, often unfairly, the target of MPAA censorship, including Kevin Smith (CLERKS), John Waters (A DIRTY SHAME), Matt Stone (SOUTH PARK), Kimberly Peirce (BOYS DON’T CRY) and Wayne Kramer and Maria Bello (THE COOLER).  It’s a shame Dick didn’t get directors of a more prominent nature to speak out, but perhaps they were afraid, as a central point of THIS FILM is the MPAA’s sense of royalty.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984)--Directed by Rob Reiner. Stars Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest, Rob Reiner. Reiner's first film as a director was this brilliant parody of "rockumentaries" about a fictional British heavy metal band. Spinal Tap has come to America to promote its new album, and director Marty DiBergi (Reiner) follows them on their trail of absurd press conferences and mostly empty concert halls. Reiner does a pretty good spoof of LAST WALTZ director Martin Scorsese, and McKean, Shearer and Guest are perfect as the over-the-hill rockers. Much of the dialogue was reportedly improvised. Cameos by Paul Shaffer, Patrick Macnee and Fran Drescher. One of the best comedies of the 1980s.

THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1968)--Directed by Norman Jewison. Stars Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway. Exciting caper film about wealthy and suave Boston thief Thomas Crown (McQueen), who was the mastermind behind a bold bank robbery. When insurance investigator Dunaway is called into the case, she begins an affair with McQueen while looking for a means to put him behind bars. Film's highlight is undoubtedly the classic chess scene and the dizzying kiss between McQueen and Dunaway. Jewison carries out the robbery in fine fashion as well. Paul Burke, Yaphet Kotto, Jack Weston and Biff McGuire play the members of McQueen's gang. The role of dapper Crown was a real change-of-pace for the rugged McQueen; Jewison was reportedly turned down by a number of actors before offering the part to McQueen, who openly campaigned for the movie because he thought playing Crown would be a challenge.

THREE CAME TO KILL (1960)--Directed by Edward L. Cahn. Stars Cameron Mitchell, John Lupton, Steve Brodie, Lyn Thomas. Our Man Cam is relatively restrained as a slang-slinging hitman in this tight little crime drama. Mitchell is professional assassin Marty Brill, who's been hired to plug the Prime Minister of a Middle Eastern country as he arrives at Los Angeles International Airport for his flight home. To accomplish his job, Brill, along with sidekick Dave (Brodie), crashes the nearby home of air traffic controller Hal Parker (Lupton) and his family. The Parkers' living room offers a perfect view of the runway, and Brill plans to use a long-range rifle to puncture the plane's gas tank, exploding it and killing everyone on board, including the Prime Minister. Much of the movie plays out PETRIFIED FOREST-style, as the Parkers, including Hal's wife June (Thomas), her sister Betty and Betty's surfer boyfriend, try to outthink their captors and the cops search valiantly for Brill.

Obviously filmed quickly and frugally, THREE works quite well, thanks to its assured direction, taut pace and fine performances by its cast, especially Mitchell. The script by Orville H. Hampton (THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE) and producer Robert E. Kent (as James B. Gordon) does a nice job establishing the premise and setting, while also mixing in some choice dialogue (Brill is fond of calling people "kooks") and even some character development, much of it involving Hal Parker, who, we find out, has been in this type of life-or-death situation before. The brash score by Paul Sawtell and Bert Shefter adds a dose of suspense. Also with Logan Field, Jan Arvan (the "third" who "came to kill"), Paul Langton, King Calder, Ron Foster and the lovely Jean Ingram as Betty. Mitchell and Brodie worked again together 21 years later in Jerry Warren's awful FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND. Distributed by United Artists, but produced by tiny Premium Pictures, which made several other Cahn/Kent pictures, such as NOOSE FOR A GUNMAN and INSIDE THE MAFIA. Lupton earlier starred in the BROKEN ARROW TV series.

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR (1975)--Directed by Sydney Pollack. Stars Robert Redford, Faye Dunaway, Cliff Robertson, Max von Sydow, John Houseman. Engrossing suspenser starring Redford as an innocuous CIA researcher--he reads spy novels to make sure no classified information is accidentally revealed by the authors--who finds himself on the run when his office is the target of vicious assassins. Not knowing who he can trust, Redford kidnaps innocent photographer Dunaway, and uses her for help. Features a taut screenplay by David Rayfiel, paranoid direction by Pollack, and a truly menacing performance by von Sydow as a government hit man. Robertson is properly slimy as Redford's CIA superior. From the director of THE FIRM.

THREE DAYS TO A KILL (1991)--Directed by Fred Williamson. Stars Fred Williamson, Bo Svenson, Henry Silva. Creaky straight-to-video action flick (also produced and co-written by the Hammer) teams cop Williamson and ex-con Svenson to rescue a VIP kidnapped by South American druglord Silva. The oddball cast also includes Van Johnson, Chuck Connors, Sonny Landham and Chicago DJ Tom Joyner. Edited by Doug Bryan.

3 DEV ADAM (1973)--Directed by T. Fikret Ucak.  Sam Raimi, eat your heart out.  Here's the strangest Spider-Man movie any of us are likely to see.  It's a colorful Turkish superhero film that pits an evil murdering Spider-Man against the combined good forces of Captain America and El Santo.  Obviously, the Turk filmmakers never bothered with clearing these copyrighted characters, and it's not likely the rights holders, including Marvel Comics, knew about 3 DEV ADAM anyway, as it was never shown in the United States.  The print I watched is in Turkish without English subtitles, so hell if I know what it's about.  Spider-Man, whose costume is green and who has bushy eyebrows that protrude from the eyeholes in his mask, kills a lot of people, including a nude woman showering and another woman whom he buries in the sand up to her neck and slices her with an outboard motor.  Captain America (whose costume isn't bad, even though his tunic has a hood) and Santo try to stop his evil scheme.  The climactic chase and fight finds the heroes battling a whole slew of Spider-Men; as soon as they defeat one, another jumps up laughing.  Whether they are clones or evil twins, I have no idea.  3 DEV ADAM is silly, ridiculous and kinda fun if you're in the right mood.  And if you fast-forward through the Turkish dialogue.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN (1967)--Directed by Gianfranco Parolini (as "Frank Kramer").  Stars Tony Kendall, Brad Harris, Nick Jordan, Jochen Brockmann, Carlo Tamberlani.  Leave it to the Italians (actually a West German/Italian co-production) to concoct one of the world's loopiest super-hero movies, a silly, action-packed joyride filled with enough stunts and humor to brighten the smile of even the most jaded reader of today's grim comic-book fare.  Accompanied by a zany circus-like musical score by Ruggero Cini and Jimmy Fontana and a nifty array of gadgets and hidden trampolines, SUPERMEN stacks up quite nicely against the few European adventures of the era I've had the pleasure to see.

At the beginning, there are just two "supermen", Sir Anthony (Kendall) and mute Nick (Jordan), acrobats in bulletproof tights, capes and masks who make their living as high-class thieves, even burgling the Pentagon (!) in one gutsy caper.  After each job, they return to their swanky pad to dance the night away with a bevy of beautiful young women who are training to follow in the supermen's footsteps.  Tony and Nick are recruited by FBI agent Brad McCallum (Harris) to steal a cache of counterfeit money, which leads to a much bigger mission when Professor Stewart (Tamberlani), the scientist who invented the supermen's super-togs, is kidnapped along with his niece by his former partner Golem (Brockmann), who has stolen the plans to Stewart's "universal duplicator" and is using it to make perfect copies of gold bars, making him the world's richest man.  Teaming up with his unlikely acrobatic allies, Brad is given a red super-suit of his own, and together the three heroes pursue Golem and his goons to a private island.

In addition to their invulnerable threads, the heroes rely on a few more innovations, such as their steel bolos, mastery of martial arts, suction-cup boots that let them walk up walls, and a gadget-riddled convertible that drives by remote control, among other attributes.  The stars appear to be having a great time--and why shouldn't they be?  When they aren't bouncing around beating up the baddies, they're tossing off glib one-liners and kissing a lot of gorgeous women.  Kendall was also starring at the time in a series of European spy pictures as agent Kommissar X, so he was presumably well cast as a suave action hero, but Jordan appears to be a real acrobat, much like THE CRIMSON PIRATE's Nick Cravat, who was hired on the basis of his physical skills as opposed to his thespic ability.  Harris was an American-born actor who achieved fame in a series of Italian-made "sword & sandal" adventures in the early 1960's and appeared in some of Kendall's KOMMISSAR X movies.  All three stars have nice chemistry together, and their smiley-faced attitude goes a long way toward lending SUPERMEN its good cheer.  Of course, if the sight of three grown men in capes and red tights bouncing on hidden trampolines doesn't make you happy, there's little hope for you.

Also known as I FANTASTICI TRE SUPERMEN and THE FANTASTIC THREE, SUPERMEN was followed by at least two sequels, THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE and THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT.  As best as I can tell, Superargo, Argoman, Diabolik and Goldface were the names of other comic-book-styled heroes appearing in European movies at the time that may or may not have influenced or been influenced by SUPERMEN.  Also with Sabine Sun, Bettina Busch (as Bettina), Giuseppe Mattei and Gloria Paul.  From the director of ADIOS, SABATA.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE (1968)--See THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE.

THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN IN THE ORIENT (1974)--Directed by Bitto Albertini.  Robert Malcolm, Sal Borgese, Antonio Cantafora, Lo Lieh, Shih Szu.  There's more kung fu than superhero hijinks in this Italian/Hong Kong sequel to 1967's THE THREE FANTASTIC SUPERMEN.  The bulletproof red tights don't even show up until about an hour in and aren't used in combat until the climax.  Why one would make a Fantastic Supermen movie and fail to put fantastic supermen in it is beyond me.  As in THE THREE SUPERMEN IN THE JUNGLE, ORIENT opens with FBI agent Bob Wallace's (Malcolm) wedding being interrupted by his boss, who sends him to the Orient to track down six missing operatives.  After a brief stopover in Bangkok, Bob meets up with his thief acquaintances Max (Cantafora) and mute Jerry (Borgese) in Hong Kong and encourages them to help out.  The title is really a misnomer, since the three also team up with Chinese kung fu expert Tang (Lieh) and a cute female (Szu).  The final battle is a lot of fun, as Lieh steals the picture from his Occidental co-stars, but ORIENT's mixture of action and low comedy peters out pretty early.  The cast doesn't seem as involved or happy as in previous entries, and ORIENT is recommended for Italian superhero completists only.

3:15 (1985)--Directed by Larry Gross.  Stars Adam Baldwin, Deborah Foreman, Danny de la Paz.  48 HRS. scripter Gross directed this routine thriller about high-school gang life.  Basketball star Jeff Hannah (Baldwin) walked away from the Cobras a year earlier after he refused to kill a boy he was rumbling with.  Cobra leader Cinco (de la Paz) has never forgiven him for his betrayal, and now, after Jeff refuses to protect Cinco from a drug bust, vows to murder his former friend.  Jeff's "time to die" is set for 3:15pm, just after school.  With nobody willing to back him up (yes, much like Gary Cooper in HIGH NOON) except his sweet girlfriend Sherry (Foreman), Jeff prepar