What Else Have I Been Watching?
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Talk about squaresville! Screenwriters Hymie the Robot from GET SMART (Dick Gautier) and the host of THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES (Peter Marshall) expose themselves with MARYJANE, a 1968 anti-drug screed starring Fabian as a pot-smoking art teacher. Well, actually he only smoked once (and he inhaled!) in college, which is enough for the local police chief to brand him a “dope fiend”. One of his students, rich brat Jordan Bates (Kevin Coughlan), runs the local marijuana trade and frames Fabian by planting some grass in his convertible. After fellow teacher Diane McBain (THE MINI-SKIRT MOB) bails him out, Fabian splits his time between clearing his name (Jordan’s connection drives an ice cream truck) and trying to prevent nerdy student Michael Margotta from getting his brains beaten in by doublecrossed dopers. Some mild swearing and brief nudity seem out-of-place in this naive drama, which perpetuates the myth that pot smokers eventually morph into heroin junkies.

Meet cinema's swishiest action hero in 1982's 1990: THE BRONX WARRIOR, one-half of the Trash (literally) double feature I watched with Grady, Stiner and Chicken Sunday night. Filmed partially in New York, but mostly in Rome, this clunky Italian action movie mixes elements of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE WARRIORS. A beautiful young woman named Ann (Stefania Girolami, the director’s daughter) flees from her jerkwad businessman father into the Bronx, which, in the near-future of 1990, is a lawless No Man’s Land ruled by several different gangs. One of them, roller-skating goons called the Zombies, attacks Ann, but she’s rescued by Trash (Mark Gregory), leader of the motorcycle-riding Riders. Her dad wants her back and dispatches Hammer (Vic Morrow), a corrupt cop, to find her. Fred Williamson brightens up the action as silky Ogre, another gang leader, while Christopher Connelly plugs along as a gimpy truck driver named Hot Dog. It’s all pretty silly--a solo drummer inexplicably plays along to a meeting between Ogre’s and Trash’s gangs at the docks; the various gangs wear theatrical makeup and costumes; Morrow’s character is wildly inconsistent in his tone and actions. If you choose not to follow along with the script and enjoy some good action sequences and gore, I wouldn’t blame you. Gregory, reportedly a non-actor discovered by Castellari in a gym, is perhaps the most fey action hero in history. In an interview on the Shriek Show DVD, Williamson claims he tried to teach Gregory how to walk "less gay". The only part of this movie funnier than Gregory failing to hide his mincing is a stuntman who accidentally wipes out his motorcycle. I have no idea why the director left the shot in, but we were happy that he did.

Is RAW FORCE (1982) the world’s first cannibal/kung fu/zombie movie? Three white dudes from the Burbank Karate School hop aboard a ship owned by Hope Holiday (LOW BLOW) and captained by Cameron Mitchell that takes them past Warriors Island. It’s rumored to be the final resting place for kung fu fighters who used their powers for evil, but still have the ability to rise from their graves if they feel like it. It’s also the home of cannibalistic monks who trade jade to a Nazi white slaver in exchange for naked women to eat. So, of course, Mitchell and a few survivors--including the Burbank guys, some cute women, one of the women’s loudmouthed husband, and Holiday--end up on Warriors Island after the Nazi’s kung fu army invades his ship and sinks it. RAW FORCE is such a gleefully idiotic movie that you have to love it. Writer/director Edward Murphy wallows in the gratuitous nudity, lame comic relief, cheap special effects, and enough lurid plot points for a year’s worth of drive-in movies. It feels like Murphy believed he’d only get one chance to direct a movie, so, by God, he put all of his ideas into the same 90-minute screenplay. The second act drags a bit with a visit to a bordello and a long party scene played mostly for comedy, but everything occurring on Warriors Island is pure trash-movie gold. Cannibals? Naked chicks? Nazis? Zombies? Kung fu? Stuff that blows up real good? A drunk Cameron Mitchell? And Murphy promises a sequel at the end! Oh, how I wish…