Who's Meeting Me at B-Fest?
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: DARK DESCENT
A hearty thanks to Tolemite, who worked the phone lines this afternoon and snared tickets for him, me and Kevin to attend B-Fest January 28 and 29. B-Fest is an annual 24-hour marathon of crappy movies held at Northwestern University's student center. Imagine sitting in an auditorium watching 15 consecutive movies, plus shorts, subsisting on a steady stream of Red Can (Coca-Cola), bologna sandwiches, Hostess products, Fritos and water. Sounds great, huh? No question, B-Fest is a test of human endurance. You try keeping your eyelids open at 5:30am while THE SLIME PEOPLE plays and see how you do. I've never forgiven myself for nodding off during SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS last year; it's unlikely I'll get another chance to see it anytime soon.

Here's the 2005 crop of films. It's a darned good list. I've seen all but five, and each should provide some solid laughs.

ISLAND OF TERROR--Peter Cushing fights alien rock monsters on a British island
THE APPLE--Cannon produced this notorious disco/glam/rock musical that has become celebrated for its awfulness
THE SWARM--"There's no bee there. I promise."
THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME (short)--Mike Jittlov's incredible short film is an annual favorite
PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE--"Day! Night! Tor! Bela! Not Bela!"
BLACK BELT JONES--Jim Kelly is The Man
BEAUTY AND THE ROBOT--Better known as SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE with the pulchritudinous Mamie Van Doren
DEATH WISH 3--Bronson!
PROJECT MOONBASE--Robert Heinlein wrote this one
3 NINJAS: HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN--Actually 3 NINJAS IV, it played theaters and stars Hulk Hogan (!), Loni Anderson in boots (!!) and Jim Varney!!!
ROBOT MONSTER--A robot monkey monster alien from outer space
CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH--I'm not much of a Troma fan
LASSIE: THE ADVENTURES OF NEEKA--Edited from episodes of the '60s color TV episodes
ICE PIRATES--Bob Urich fights a space herpe
EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS--Harryhausen!
BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO--Ozone! Turbo! Special K (what a fox)!

This will be my fourth B-Fest with Kevin and third with Toler. I wrote journals on past B-Fests for the old Mobius site, but those archives have been lost. Trust me when I say it's a great time. If watching Charlie Bronson punch holes in punks' chests at 4:45am is your bag, that is.

Speaking of chest-hole punching, Dean Cain stars in DARK DESCENT, which I caught tonight before and after 24. Believe it or not, this Bulgarian-lensed direct-to-video thriller is a ripoff of OUTLAND, which was itself a ripoff of HIGH NOON. I like Cain, but DARK DESCENT is pretty dismal. It does offer one thing I've never seen before though. The setting is an underwater mining colony. One character goes nutzoid and drills a hole in the wall of his quarters. Water bursts through the hole, but the colony's sensors quickly seal that room off by slamming shut its circular doors. But before the door to the corridor can completely shut, a jet stream of water bursts through the tiny circular opening with such force that it shoots clear through a guy's back and out his chest like an arrow. Never seen anyone impaled by water before. It might even be cooler than the baddie in DRIVE who flicks a quarter clean through some dude's throat and imbeds it in the wall behind him. Now that's "flippin'" sweet. Literally.