Newspaper Taxis Appear on the Shore
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds" by William Shatner

The Man. The Legend. The One True Shatner. What can I say about this man of genius that hasn't been said before? Heck, the guy even has a religion named after him.

We all know Shatner is a brilliant actor, writer and director, but are you aware of The Shat's career as a singer and performance artist?

I'm going to ask you to trust me on something. What follows is perhaps the most frightening, the most awe-inducing, the most psychedelically messed-up thing you have ever seen. You'll need Real Media to watch it, but please believe me when I say it's totally worth it.

In 1978, Shatner appeared on the televised Saturn Awards, given annually to the best in SF and horror. For God knows what reason, he wore a crushed velvet tuxedo, sat on a stool, smoked, and "performed" a rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man" that has to be seen to be believed. Actually, that's not true. Once you've seen it, you still won't believe it exists. But you'll get on your knees and thank whatever deity you worship that it does.

Don't ask any questions. Don't delay. Don't think about it. Just click the link, sit back, and let the Brilliance of Shatner wash over you like a cool ocean tide on a warm summer morning.

Shatner does Rocket Man

Look At All That Fine Chicken
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: SLEEPAWAY CAMP
Thanks to all those who came by for crappy movies tonight. It was a big thrill to introduce the Cohens to SLEEPAWAY CAMP, one of the kinkiest and most disturbing of the slasher genre and one that contains by far the most memorable shock ending.

To say much more about SLEEPAWAY CAMP's story would be to give everything away. Suffice to say that it certainly could not be attempted in today's "safe" atmosphere. Most of the feeling of unease the film inflicts upon its audience is due to its very young cast. We're used to seeing cheap horror movies where the kids curse, act like jerks, get naked and have sex, and are brutalized in a myriad of creative ways, but they're usually 18-year-olds played by 24-year-old actors. Here, the victims are 14 and they look 14. Kids are punched, battered and murdered in some pretty crude ways (the "curling iron" scene may be the most infamous). Not only is there a shockingly high quotient of violence inflicted upon children, but also they're highly sexualized. For instance, the camp "hottie", is always slutted up in a variety of tight shirts and bikinis, but in a character (and actress) so young, her sexuality is more discomforting than titillating. Adding to the "unusualness" is a rampant homosexual context, ranging from dressing most of the actors in tight shorts and half-shirts to the kinky backgrounds of some of the characters. While many slasher films use sex only to tease the audience with a flash of breast to signal an impending murder, SLEEPAWAY CAMP is unusual in that sex is a motivator for everything that happens, right down to the disturbing final image, which is probably the impetus for whatever cult this movie has.

Once you've seen SLEEPAWAY CAMP, you won't forget it, and I wonder what Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter were thinking about as they closed their eyes to go to sleep tonight.

Of course, what better way to lead into SLEEPAWAY CAMP than CHEERLEADER CAMP, which has the same plot, more or less, but came at the end of the slasher cycle and has little to say. It at least offers an interesting B-movie cast: Leif Garrett, Lucinda Dickey (BREAKIN', NINJA III: THE DOMINATION), Betsy Russell (PRIVATE SCHOOL, AVENGING ANGEL), Playmate Rebecca Ferratti and Penthouse Pet Teri Weigel (now a porn star).

Good news on the UPS front, even though I'm not sure I'm getting all of the story. The seller informed me via email this afternoon that he had received a refund, and he returned my money to me tonight using PayPal. It, of course, seems unlikely that UPS could have possibly processed this refund already; I was expecting at least a 6-8 week wait. Perhaps my bitching and moaning greased some wheels; I don't know. At any rate, thank you, Seller, and thank you, UPS.

The irony is that I ordered a DVD recorder tonight from Amazon.com, and I asked for the free shipping option. I have no say over how Amazon ships it, and it could be UPS. I'm not taking any more chances with their drivers though. I'm having it shipped to my work address. I'll talk more about the DVD recorder when I get it, but if you're curious, I did get the Toshiba. The RD-XS32 Progressive-Scan DVD Player/Recorder with 80 GB Hard Drive, to be exact.

OK, time to wrap things up with my Top Ten Films of 2004 list:

The Top Ten Films of 2004 (Alphabetically)

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY--2004 was a very good year for comedies in a long time; three made my list and two more came close. ANCHORMAN earned its spot simply because it made me laugh harder than any other film did. Other comedies this year were more consistently funny with more major laughs, but this is the only one that had me literally crying from laughter (it`s a scene told completely through subtitles). Will Ferrell isn't a comic actor capable of nuance, but his force-of-nature approach dares you to ignore him. There appears to be very little he won't do for a laugh, and the aura of innocence he presents beneath Burgundy's chauvinistic bluster puts the audience firmly on his side, even when he's behaving petulantly.

CELLULAR--This crisp thriller benefits from a screenplay that manages to keep the clever but farfetched premise reasonably believable and an earnest cast (Kim Basinger, Jason Statham, William H. Macy) talented enough to sell its more preposterous moments. Director David R. Ellis, whose first film, FINAL DESTINATION 2, is also a recommended sleeper, handles the many chases, fights and stunts with energetic abandon. Little-tested lead Chris Evans plays the Human Torch in 2005's FANTASTIC FOUR.

EUROTRIP--EUROTRIP is what can happen when smart people (in this case, three former SEINFELD writers) attempt something dumb. I laughed a lot during this series of overseas comic misadventures, including an overly amorous Italian, a rowdy rugby team led by Vinnie Jones, a goose-stepping little boy, a losing battle with absinthe that summons a profanity-spewing fairy, a Bratislavian MIAMI VICE junkie and a Dutch dominatrix named Vandersexxx (Lucy Lawless), the finest robot-mime kung fu battle ever filmed and the world`s funniest David Hasselhoff joke.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11--One of the most powerful films I've seen in awhile, Michael Moore's diatribe against the Bush administration left me angry, confused, saddened, frustrated, amused and fascinated. Moore's critics, of course, accused the film of being packed with lies, but the most damaging evidence against Bush is found footage that could not have been faked by Moore, particularly the video of Bush learning about the 9/11 attacks while reading to schoolchildren in Florida and freezing with a frightened look on his face, unable to react or perform his duties as Commander-in-Chief. It's chilling to see the most powerful man in the free world act--or not act--with such incompetence at a time when the intelligence, wisdom and cool decision-making of a good leader was needed as it had been at no more urgent time in American history.

THE INCREDIBLES-- "America needs heroes" is the message, as America's super-powered citizens are barred from fighting crime after too many lawsuits forced the government to clamp down on them. Propelled by Michael Giacchino's peppy score inspired by John Barry and writer/director Brad Bird's uncanny sense of adventure, pacing, excitement and humor, THE INCREDIBLES is one of the all-time best superhero movies, a slam-bang entertainment that appeals to both grownups and their kids.

KILL BILL, VOL. 2--The continuation of the Bride's (Uma Thurman) "roaring rampage of revenge" contains less action and more dialogue and characterization than KILL BILL, VOL. 1 and is more akin to the conversational quality of JACKIE BROWN than to anything else Quentin Tarantino has made. It's even better than the audacious first movie, thanks to more striking cinematography by the great Robert Richardson and an extraordinary cast, especially David Carradine, who possibly never has received a big-screen role this juicy.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE--Be prepared for one of the most original movie characters you've seen in awhile. As played by Oregon newcomer Jon Heder, Napoleon Dynamite is an affecting mixture of Carrot Top and Mark Fidrych...but more eccentric. Despite his tendency to exaggerate and act rudely, he's remarkably likable, performed by Jon Heder in such a way that we feel Napoleon's pain at the same time that we're laughing at it. The humor is off-center, just like Napoleon, and is comparable to the whimsy perceptible in Wes Anderson's comedies like RUSHMORE.

SIDEWAYS--Director Alexander Payne has created four vivid characters who talk, drink, muse, have sex, fight, all in a very absorbing manner, and all four are vividly brought to life by the actors who inhabit them. Paul Giamatti, so wonderful as the grouchy comic-book writer Harvey Pekar in AMERICAN SPLENDOR, outdoes his acclaimed work there, inhabiting his character so completely that you feel every bit of his pain, his passion, his broken dreams and failed ambitions. It's a wonderful performance which is nearly matched by Virginia Madsen, who shares one particular scene with Giamatti on a porch that is as well-acted as anything else you're likely to see this year, a conversation about wine that isn't really about wine as much as it's about loneliness and insecurity.

SPARTAN--This fantastic thriller was written and directed by the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Mamet. What begins as a mystery story, as star Val Kilmer (his best work in a long time) follows the intricate clues to a sleazy nightclub that caters to middle-aged men with much younger tastes and, ultimately, a white slavery operation in Dubai, ends as a political thriller along the lines of THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR. Its climax is a bit contrived, but to that point, SPARTAN is a smart, tightly plotted thriller that doesn't depend upon splashy CGI effects to earn its buzz.

SUPER SIZE ME--Spurred on by news reports of two obese teenage girls who sued McDonald's, blaming the fast-food chain for their excessive weight, documentarian Morgan Spurlock decided to find out first-hand just how harmful the cuisine at the Golden Arches is. For 30 days, he ate only items that could be found on the McDonald's menu, and the results were astounding--weight gain, depression, headaches, sexual dysfunction. To see the gregarious Spurlock transformed into a blotchy zombie before our very eyes is to believe in the insidious business practices of one of America's most beloved symbols. A fascinating, educational documentary with a poignant revelation about our fast-food society.

Honorable Mention: DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY, HERO, SPIDER-MAN 2, THE PUNISHER, THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU

A Lesbinian?
Mood:  don't ask
Damn. No sun in today's forecast. Still looking for that first tasty ray of '05. We did get some snow though. I love my garage.

I forgot to mention the other night that I watched some of the extras on the ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY disc. And, really, I wasn't very impressed. There are a ton of deleted scenes and alternate takes included, but I didn't find most of them to be interesting. One that I did like features an actor who was completely cut out of the film, Joe Flaherty, the great comic character actor from SCTV and FREAKS & GEEKS, a series executive-produced by ANCHORMAN producer Judd Apatow (look for other F&G cast in the film too). In the scene, Christina Applegate is flashing back to other stations she has worked at where she has been subjected to sexism. When Flaherty, as a Houston station manager, asks Christina to do the news in a bikini and she refuses, he accuses her of being a "lesbinian". What humor is in the scene flows from Flaherty's performance, although it might have been funnier if he had done it as Guy Caballero.

In the Comments section below, Toler mentions Woodman's homemade Christmas cards. I don't want to say much more about them without Woodman's permission, since his bosses may not see the humor in them, but they are brilliant. If I could only get him to do more... If you want to see them, come on over and I'll show them to you.

I just noticed a new reality show called WICKEDLY PERFECT premieres on CBS tonight. Here's the Yahoo! program description:

The 12 contestants, divided into two teams, must come up with a name for each team and pick as many apples as they can in 30 minutes; when the apples are picked, they must come up with team projects using their entire harvest.

Wow. Fucking riveting. I'd better use my couch seatbelt for that one so I don't fall off the edge of the seat.

You Just Gotta Keep On Livin', Man. L-I-V-I-N.
Now Playing: DAZED AND CONFUSED
Richard Linklater's 1993 comedy isn't so much a film as it is a document of an American era: the late-1970's, a period that was post-Vietnam and pre-AIDS, when long hair and bell bottoms were in, and everybody wanted to have a good time. And a good time is what DAZED AND CONFUSED delivers, a delightful and entertaining movie that stands as an outstanding example of what teenagers were really like during that period. Driving around, drinking, flirting, playing pranks, not a care in the world. I knew almost every character when I was growing up, and it's likely you do too. A lot of beer and grass in this film, some hot girls, a fight, some cursing, badass muscle cars, Ben Affleck looking like a jackass...what's not to like? Linklater doesn't let the mood get too deep--every once in awhile, someone mumbles a drunken diatribe against "rules" or "being who you are" ("You gotta do what Randall `Pink' Floyd wants to do.")--but instead is content and lets his talented young cast roam the screen. And what a knack for picking talent Linklater demonstrates; familiar faces include Matthew McConaughey (as party boy Wooderson), Ben Affleck, Cole Hauser (2 FAST 2 FURIOUS), Nicky Katt (BOSTON PUBLIC), Adam Goldberg, Parker Posey, Rory Cochrane (CSI: MIAMI), Milla Jovovich (RESIDENT EVIL). I'm really impressed with Jason London in the film, and it surprises me that he hasn't had more of a career. I think he represents a strong, likable, decent leading man, excellent as the BMOC with a sensitive side who likes to party and fool around. It's a more complex character than you might think, and London pulls it off very well. DAZED also has a kickass soundtrack that includes "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith, "Slow Ride" by Foghat, "Rock and Roll All Night" by KISS, "School's Out" by Alice Cooper, "Jim Dandy" by Black Oak Arkansas, "Fox on the Run" by The Sweet, "Low Rider" by War, "Free Ride" by Edgar Winter and plenty more. In 1976, I was a few years younger than the characters in DAZED, but these songs still bring back memories of hearing them on WLS, back when they kicked major ass with on-air talent like Larry Lujack and Fred Winston.

By the way, a shout out to my good man Todd Woodman/Wooderson, probably the U.S.P.S.'s only mail carrier with a degree in Philosophy. Glad to know he's reading the site on occasion. It puts more pressure on me to be entertaining and interesting; he's a smart guy, a good writer, and a ruthless critic.

One other film today: PLATO'S RUN, a direct-to-video action movie with Gary Busey. It's not particularly good, but Busey almost always gives you something interesting to look at, even when he's walking through a part, as he has a tendency to do. He's not wildly convincing as an action star, but he's having a good time screwing around with Steven Bauer (SCARFACE) as his partner. Roy Scheider is slumming as the heavy, and Jeff Speakman (THE PERFECT WEAPON) pops up for 10-15 minutes; I imagine they could only afford him for two or three days work.

I have about finished THE ESSENTIAL IRON FIST, VOL. 1, a collection of about 30 early appearances by Marvel's Iron Fist superhero, a mystical martial artist in a green-and-gold costume. I really dig Marvel's superhero comics of the 1970's; it was a time of immense creative freedom among Marvel's bullpen of wildly imaginative writers and artists, who frequently came up with some far-out and even cosmic concepts. It's hard to imagine Howard the Duck or Killraven being created by today's fanboy coalition of comics creators. The Iron Fist books (he had his own title for 15 issues, written by Chris Claremont and penciled by John Byrne) are not top-tier Marvel, but are really entertaining, fast-moving action tales that emphasize the kung-fu fad that was so prevalent at the time. Truthfully, Marvel's SHANG-CHI, MASTER OF KUNG FU book from that period is much better; in fact, it's one of Marvel's best with wild Bondian plots by Doug Moench and realistically rendered "sets" and action scenes drawn by Paul Gulacy and later by the late Gene Day. I have no idea why Marvel has released an ESSENTIALS volume of Iron Fist and not Shang-Chi, which I would imagine would be better received.

No one seemed to care too much about my Top Ten DVDs list, but out of sheer stubbornness, I continue my year-end lists with the year's worst in film:

The Ten Worst Films of 2004 (Alphabetically, except one)

BROKEN LIZARD'S CLUB DREAD--I was a huge fan of SUPER TROOPERS, which made Broken Lizard's follow-up that much more disappointing. OK, Jordan Ladd is topless in this film, but I can't find much to recommend it beyond that. Broken Lizard is making DUKES OF HAZZARD next, which could be either brilliant or awful. Casting Johnny Knoxville, Stifler and Jessica Simpson is not a good sign. Casting Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg...maybe.

HOME ON THE RANGE--Disney somehow blew $100 million on this lame animated feature, its 45th and final hand-drawn film. It casts Rosanne as a cow. The jokes practically write themselves, don't they?

JERSEY GIRL--I'm a Kevin Smith fan, but this middling soppy sitcom is a real disappointment. I've been urging Smith to grow up for years, and even though this is a step away from his View Askew-niverse films, he has yet to make a movie as smart as he is.

THE LADYKILLERS--The star of BOSOM BUDDIES and the writer/directors of THE BIG LEBOWSKI team up for a frighteningly dull black comedy. If there's a worse actor than Marlon Wayans making films today, I don't want to see him.

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW--Devoid of original ideas and awash in an ugly yellow fog that made it nigh impossible to even see what was happening. Perhaps it's the arrogance I despised, that filmmakers could believe all one needs to make a good film are performers, a green screen and a Mac.

SUSPECT ZERO--A plodding serial killer thriller obviously inspired by THE X-FILES, but without that series' style, smarts and star power. Carrie-Anne Moss is not a good actress, and I doubt Aaron Eckhart can carry a film.

TAKING LIVES--Few recent comedies have had laughs as big as what I received from this boring and stupid serial-killer thriller. Not even Angelina Jolie naked could propel this out of the bottom ten. I despise lazy films that assume its audience is composed of morons.

TWISTED--Guess what...another bad serial-killer thriller. This one wastes a good cast and a great director, Philip Kaufman. Maybe if Ashley Judd had gotten naked...

WILD THINGS 2--I know, I know. What did I expect? What's frustrating is that the screenplay gets carried away with itself, offering up so many plot twists that you realize at the end of the movie that it was a waste of time, that the scam perpetrated was completely unnecessary and negates the purpose of the film.

And The Absolute Worst

VAN HELSING--Worst Film of the 21st Century, so far. Sloppy and boring with amateurish CGI effects and an egregious contempt for its audience. So insulting that it blows up a damn stagecoach to keep our attention spans sated. How the hell could that happen; is it gas-powered, Stephen Sommers, you moron? Still, I appear to be the only person on the planet pissed off about that idiotic exploding stagecoach, so maybe people were too busy sleeping to complain.

Mood: Unrelenting Despair
We move into Day 5 of the New Year, and still not a ray of sunshine. Ye flippin' gods...

Something that does bring me joy is the surprising (to some) success of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE on DVD. A friend who works at Borders commented last night that they were having trouble keeping this film in stock, they keep selling it out. That's not unusual; there have been reports all over the country of NAPOLEON selling out. The reason, as I understand it, is that Fox underpressed this title--they didn't make enough copies, I guess because they didn't expect it to sell as it has. I don't know why, unless Fox has never had a conversation with anybody who has seen it. Although I've run across an occasional dissenting opinion, the vast majority of reviews and--even more importantly for a small film like this one--word of mouth has been positive. People are always looking for a good comedy for their DVD collection--something that's compatible for repeat viewing--and it doesn't surprise me that NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is so successful. I suppose it doesn't even surprise me that Fox is surprised.

Fuck UPS
Mood:  irritated
You heard me. Fuck those jagoffs. No way you'll catch me using UPS again. Not only did their gross incompetence (which they admit to) cost me a package and likely some money, but their feeble attempt at customer service consists of, "Sorry, there's nothing we can do about it."

This is a long story, and I'll try to tell it as best I can without shouting. To set it up, I purchased an item...OK, an Atari 2600 from a guy on eBay. We'll refer to them as Item and Seller, `cause it's much easier that way. The price was $11 for the item and $14.75 for UPS Ground shipping. No problem. I pay the guy through PayPal, he takes the item to a UPS Store, it gets delivered to me on 12/16. Except I'm at work when the item comes, so the driver leaves it on my porch.

According to the UPS Web site, drivers do not leave packages on your porch. They are quite clear on their Delivery Attempts FAQ on what happens if you aren't home. They leave you a note and you can make arrangements to pick up the package or have it delivered to another address. According to their phone reps, they especially do not leave them at apartment houses on porches with major visibility in busy neighborhoods. I live in an apartment house on a busy street less than 100 feet from a bus stop, a house with a porch with no fence, railing or shrubbery to conceal anything resting on it from a block away. According to the phone reps--but NOT their official FAQ--drivers have the option of leaving the package if they deem it safe. Only an idiot would think my porch was safe.

Needless to say, I did not receive the package. Likely somebody walked past the house, saw a large box on the porch, figured it was a Xmas present, and wandered off with it.

I called UPS after checking the Web site with my tracking number and discovering it had already been delivered. They said basically at that time they would do an investigation that would take 5-7 business days. The investigation should have lasted 5-7 minutes; all they had to do was ask the driver, "Did you leave that box on the porch, you dumb shit?"

After five days I called back, and they told me to call in two more days.

Two days later, I called to be told that the investigation was complete, but they couldn't talk to me about it because I was not their "customer". Even though I paid for the item, paid for the shipping, and was the recipient of the item, I was not their customer and they did not answer to me. Instead, I would have to contact the seller for all information. This clearly makes no sense whatsoever, but I did it. I sent the seller an email politely asking what happened with the investigation.

His answer: "I really dont know what to say. UPS said it was put on the pourch." (sic) And that's it.

I email him back, again politely, and say basically, "Yes, I know that, but what else did they say? Are they going to refund any money?"

I get an answer yesterday: "You are going to have to give me some time on this matter." End of message.

Crap.

What does that mean? Time for what? Just answer my question, jag. What. Did. They. Say?

So tonight after work, I called UPS again and was determined to get some kind of absolute answer. None of this "you aren't our customer, we can't deal with you, contact your seller for information" b.s.

After a half-hour, I got no further really than "you aren't our customer, we can't deal with you, contact your seller for information".

Here's how it works...and, please, if I am missing the logic of this UPS policy, tell me, because it makes no sense to me at all.

Their investigation was "negative"--meaning they didn't find the package. Well, no shit, I knew that was going to happen, because some thief in Champaign is playing with it right now. What I found out later in the conversation is that the investigation consisted of the driver coming back to my house three times and "looking" for the package. He rang my doorbell and looked at the porch. Of course, no one bothered to tell me about this; if they had, I could have arranged to be home when he showed up or to have someone call me at work or something. Instead, he just shows up, looks on the porch, "Nope, still not here," goes back to the Urbana UPS office and writes a report, I guess.

Since the investigation turned up negative, UPS files a claim. They send the claim to the UPS Store from where the package was sent. They did this the first time on 12/28. It was ignored; no one knows why. They send a second claim this week.

Now, for this claim to be processed, the UPS Store has to contact the seller. The seller, who has done his job successfully weeks ago, has to provide the UPS Store with "information", what kind, I have no idea. The catch is that, if the seller, for whatever reason, refuses to cooperate with the claim, I am screwed. There is nothing UPS can do for me, so they claim. That's it. I am totally at the mercy of some anonymous stranger in Florida who has nothing whatsoever to gain by going to the extra trouble of aiding this procedure. Even though the item that was lost was mine--I paid for it. I paid for the shipping. But since the seller physically sent the package from the UPS Store and handed them the money that I provided, he is their customer and I am nobody.

Let's say he does cooperate. The claim goes through, and money is refunded. Do they send me the money?

Hell, no.

The refund, in the unlikely case it is provided, goes to the seller. Who has the responsibility to send it to me. Again, a total stranger, who shouldn't even be involved in the entire transaction, has to send to me free money that he finds in his mailbox. What is to prevent the guy from pocketing the dough and saying to me, "Gee, sorry, it never arrived"?

Does this make any fucking sense to anybody?

And all I get from UPS is, "I apologize. I wish I could help. That's the way it works. There's nothing more I can do."

Well, that's bullshit, they could sure as hell cut me a check for $25.75 and mail it to me. How much did UPS gross in 2004? I'm sure they can afford $25.75.

I understand that, if I buy Tolemite a gift and send it to him UPS with my money, I should be considered the customer. That makes sense. But in this case, the item belongs to me. I bought it. And then I paid for the shipping. The seller paid for nothing. He's just a messenger. Which brings to mind, what if I asked a friend to do me a favor and drop off my package at UPS? Who's the customer then--me, whose package it is, or my friend, who isn't involved in the transaction at all besides just dropping it off on his way home?

I begged the UPS phone rep for just a small morsel of something. I just wanted them to say, "We screwed up. Let us make it up to you." That's all I wanted to hear--"let us make it up to you". I even asked him what more I could do--how could I take an active part in the process, who could I talk to, how can I make something happen? Answer: nothing.

Is that too much to ask? For a multimillion-dollar company, who screwed up, who admits that it screwed up, who freely admits that my suffering is due to their negligence, to make an effort to fix the situation? I even asked, "Why should I ever use UPS Ground again? What are you doing to make me happy and want to use your service again?" He didn't answer me.

UPS made no effort--NO effort--to placate me. And, in fact, the only way that I can ever be placated is if some stranger 1000 miles away finds the strength in his heart to go an extra mile, for no benefit to him, fill out some claim at the UPS Store, fully participate in the entire transaction, and then send me a refund who-knows-how-long down the road. If this guy dies or moves away or just plain doesn't feel like lifting a finger, that's it--UPS is $14.75 richer, and didn't do jack to earn it.

I'm screwed.

Actually, I was so pissed off that I had to leave the house (after ranting to Tolemite; thanks for being there for me, man), so I went to Borders and bought $60 worth of DVDs. Borders is having a Buy 3, Get 1 Free sale, so I picked up PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING, THE DEADLY SPAWN, RED HEAT and the DAZED & CONFUSED/FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH twin-pack (which counts as one). Five films for $53 + tax...not bad, really.

I was gonna post my Ten Worst Films of 2004 tonight, but I'm sure you've read enough for one day. In fact, I highly doubt anybody is reading this sentence and all, and I doubt, judging from my Comments section, any more than five people have ever read this blog.

Time to work on not being boring while I'm not playing my Atari 2600.

Van Dammage
Now Playing: IN HELL
I just found out Jean-Claude Van Damme's new film, WAKE OF DEATH, was released straight to DVD last month. Tonight I watched his previous film, 2003's IN HELL, a brutal, dark prison picture filmed in Bulgaria. J-C is a Louisiana man (as always, to explain his accent) working in Russia who is imprisoned for killing the man who raped and murdered his wife. As with all movie prisons, there's no hope for these inmates, as they are beaten, abused and tortured by the guards, who are just barely more moral than the inmates, who pay the guards to let them rape the weaker prisoners. Van Damme's performance is better than usual, as he is forced to transform from a good, ordinary man into a brutal animal in order to survive. He eventually realizes he hates what he has become, and through great sacrifice, fights to transform back into the man he was. IN HELL is pretty heavy, but good for a Van Damme flick and filled with rough violence that earns its R rating.

Time to begin my countdown of the year's best in film, starting with the Top Ten DVD Releases of 2004. Drum roll, please... (oh, you know you're excited...)

The Top Ten DVDs of 2004 (Alphabetically, except one)

ALIEN (COLLECTOR'S EDITION)--It's a great film, of course, but Fox's DVD includes both the original and a new Director's Cut (it isn't), as well as tons of extras--documentaries, trailers and more. If I had seen Fox's ALIENS, it might have made this list instead.

THE CHINA SYNDROME--I have always loved this taut thriller with its always-prescient storyline and fine cast of stars and character actors. The DVD includes a pair of interesting featurettes on the film's origin and history, as well as three never-before-seen deleted scenes.

COLUMBO: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--Damn Universal for presenting this with no extras, but it does include the two COLUMBO made-for-TV movies that preceded the actual series. TV mysteries have rarely been better-written or -performed than these shows, which include a brilliant 1971 episode directed by Steven Spielberg and penned by Steven Bochco.

EUROTRIP (UNRATED VERSION)--This movie makes me laugh. A lot. Unabashedly reckless in its pursuit of laughs and presented on a first-class DVD that contains an audio commentary where the directors get drunk, a menu that points directly to the nude scenes, the full version of the catchy "Scotty Doesn't Know" tune, and more fun extras.

HAVE GUN-WILL TRAVEL: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--CBS releases 39 episodes of one of TV's best westerns in an attractive package. Richard Boone owns the screen as erudite gunfighter Paladin in these half-hour morality plays that featured interesting guest stars like Charles Bronson and Jack Lord. With surprisingly high production values and scripts that emphasized the consequences of violence, HAVE GUN still wouldn't have worked without Boone's dedication, intensity, intelligence and warmth.

JONNY QUEST: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON--Best. Cartoon. Ever. Thank you, Hanna-Barbera, for presenting the original 26 episodes with remastered video and sound, just so I can crank my speakers during Hoyt Curtin's blistering theme. The few extras are interesting but non-essential; it's just good to have these exciting pulp adventures available in one convenient package.

JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG--I love a good courtroom thriller, and the stakes don't get any higher than in this epic drama about the Nuremberg war trials. Great script by Abby Mann and a cast that includes Burt Lancaster, Spencer Tracy, Maximilian Schell, Judy Garland, Montgomery Clift, Marlene Dietrich...and William Shatner! The extras are nice, and it has a 5.1 remix if you think the film needs it.

THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND--Sam Peckinpah's final film is no great shakes, but I love what Anchor Bay has done with it, including its striking cover art. The commentary by four Peckinpah experts is informative, the over-an-hour-long making-of docu is fascinating, and Anchor Bay even presents Peckinpah's long-lost "director's cut" that was reassembled by the producers before release. The film itself does have its moments, including a masterfully edited action scene in a swimming pool and a wonderfully sardonic early performance by Craig T. Nelson.

SLEDGE HAMMER!: SEASON ONE--Who ever guessed this forgotten `80s series would be released, much less in a deluxe package crammed with extras? Reminiscent of POLICE SQUAD! and GET SMART, SLEDGE HAMMER! offered scripts that remain to this day ahead of their time, presenting a blockheaded fascist as the hero and steering him through a series of catchphrase parodies, sight gags and topical references that forced the audience to pay attention to what they were watching. If you're like me and bored with the coffeehouse shenanigans that pass for TV situation comedy today, give SLEDGE HAMMER! a spin. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

And The Best DVD Release of 2004

FREAKS & GEEKS: THE COMPLETE SERIES--One of television's all-time best series in Shout! Factory's comprehensive package that includes audio commentaries, deleted scenes, 5.1 mixes and outtakes for every episode. The love that Shout! Factory feels for the series is duplicated by those who have watched it and those who worked on it, demonstrated in that every cast member, most major writers, directors and crew members, guest stars, even fans, parents and network execs have reunited to wax nostalgic on this 17-episode classic. Each episode had the capacity to be blisteringly funny or monumentally heartbreaking, and was often both at the same time. No other series has taken such a realistic approach to high-school life, cataloging the awkwardness, the joy, the camaraderie, the joie de vivre and the fear of growing up.

...And the Value of a Single Human Being
Now Playing: JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG
This is a powerful film. Not one I could stand to watch over and over, but perfect for a dark afternoon. It's not a depressing film, but it's certainly a heavy one. And why shouldn't it be, since it examines Nazism, its tragic effects on its victims, and the culpability, not just of those evil men who were active participants in the Third Reich, but of otherwise kind, moral, thoughtful men and women who let it happen.

Swiss-born actor Maximilian Schell and screenwriter Abby Mann won Oscars for JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG, a stunning courtroom drama that portrays the Nuremberg war crimes trial of four German judges (one of whom is portrayed by Burt Lancaster) who sentenced enemies of Hitler to sterilization, concentration camps and execution. The argument presented by German defense attorney Hans Rolfe (Schell) is that they were doing their duty as patriots by following the letter of the law, and if these men are to be found guilty, shouldn't others, such as Winston Churchill and American industrialists who supported and even contributed to Hitler's early rise to power, also be considered culpable? Leading the three-jurist tribunal is Judge Dan Heywood (Spencer Tracy), a New Englander and Everyman who, like most Americans in the aftermath of the Third Reich, seeks to understand how the German people, such as the attractive widow Bertholt (Marlene Dietrich), who in his experience are kind and intelligent, could have gone along with the Nazi party's atrocities. Under intense questioning by dogmatic Army prosecutor Tad Lawson (Richard Widmark), witnesses include a baker's assistant (Montgomery Clift) who was ordered sterilized because of his alleged feeblemindedness and a woman (Judy Garland) accused of having sexual relations with an elderly Jewish man, who was executed for it.

JUDGMENT received ten Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture and acting nods for Tracy, Clift and Garland. It's an extraordinary if overlong drama (running close to 190 minutes), although director Stanley Kramer nicely uses Ernest Laszlo's Oscar-nominated camera to swirl around, track across or zoom in on his cast, which adds some movement to a film whose strength is its dialogue and casting. Mann's musings on patriotism and the complications of war had previously been seen in a 90-minute live presentation on TV's PLAYHOUSE 90 (which also starred Schell and was directed by George Roy Hill), but the film's extra length allows him and Kramer to spend more time looking into the horrors of the Nazi regime and the moral questions that surround those who participated, no matter their justification. For instance, Lancaster's character is portrayed as a thoughtful, decent man whom many Germans feel shouldn't be prosecuted at all. It's too bad the PLAYHOUSE 90 telecast couldn't have been included as an extra on MGM's DVD (matter of fact, it's too bad no live telecasts--some of which have survived as kinescopes--from the Golden Age of Television are readily available for viewing), but that's a small quibble with a film that resonates like this.

You'll also easily spot a young acclaimed stage and TV actor named William Shatner playing Tracy's aide; it's a shame Shatner wasn't asked to participate in the DVD's extras, since I have never read or seen an interview with him where this film was mentioned. Imagine the thrill of a young actor stepping onto the same soundstage and trading dialogue with legends like Tracy, Garland, Clift, Lancaster...there must be some stories there. It's also to Abby Mann's credit that many of NUREMBERG's smaller roles, including Shatner's, are given extra dimension, adding an extra human element to the production.

This will certainly make my Top Ten DVDs of 2004 list. Keep checking this space to learn my picks for the Best and Worst Films of the Year, as well as the Best in DVD, probably beginning this week. How many did you see?

OK, I'll Fight It, But I'll Let It Live
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Happy birthday to little Grace Dowell, who's a whole 1 year old today. Went to Tolono this afternoon to eat some cake and ice cream with the Dowells. Chris and Sara are in town until Monday, and I always love when they're around. My trip to their wedding in Los Angeles last summer was the best vacation I've had in a long time.

Just got back from seeing THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU with Grady and Stiner. I think I'll be thinking about this one for awhile. Yes, I did like it, but, no, I'm not sure I can recommend it to anyone. I've only seen one other Wes Anderson film, RUSHMORE, which I didn't like very much. THE LIFE AQUATIC is better, although it took me 20 minutes or so before I was able to settle into its groove. It's a very eccentric, whimsical film, brilliantly anchored by Bill Murray as Zissou, an undersea explorer broadly based on the late Jacques Cousteau. Murray's performance is essential, since Anderson's vision falls so squarely into a fantasy world that's still too close to ours for comfort's sake, we need Murray to keep our head in the game. He's in nearly every scene, and is funny, touching, energetic...I think he's better here than in his Oscar-nominated turn in LOST IN TRANSLATION. Willem Dafoe is also extremely good in this film, as is Jeff Goldblum. Mark Mothersbaugh's score is wonderfully witty, and the production design, which cribs from Jerry Lewis, of all people, is a childlike display of bright colors and dollhouse construction. Throw in Filipino pirates, a three-legged dog, a resort hotel destroyed by a monsoon, an underground sea laboratory, Jeff Goldblum in a '70s Dr. Pepper T-shirt, stop motion animation by Henry Selick (THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS) and a mythical "jaguar shark" that chomps on Seymour Cassel, and you have 2004's oddest studio film.

I'm not sure yet whether THE LIFE AQUATIC will make my Top Ten of 2004 list yet; I still have to ponder it a bit. My initial feeling is that it's too inconsistent to push anything off my preliminary list, but we'll see. It'll definitely go down as an honorable mention, to say the least. Look for my Top Ten Films and DVDs lists to hit this space soon.

Feeling a little bit better today, thank you. I watched more episodes of SECRET AGENT this afternoon, and delighted in seeing British character actor Howard Marion-Crawford pop up as the heavy in back-to-back episodes, but as different characters. You'd likely not see that in today's continuity-heavy TV series, but, back then, producers hired the best actors for their guest roles, whether they had already done the show or not. I think LAW & ORDER is the only current series that regularly recycles actors in various guest parts.

So where are all the really good prints of LONE WOLF MCQUADE? Watching my MGM DVD the other night, I noticed instances of grain, particularly in Barbara Carrera's brown hair. Hoping the problem wasn't my new cheapass Cyberhome, I tested the disc on my computer, and the grain was still there. I also happened to catch the film on cable this afternoon, and, yep, still there in the TV print. DVD File gave MCQUADE's video quality a rave review, but I don't know what disc they were looking at, 'cause it certainly wasn't mine.

Speaking of Chuck Norris, I kicked off 2005 with some prime Chuck: DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION. One of Cannon's last features, DELTA FORCE 2 is an effective B-level shoot-'em-up with big explosions, a decent body count, a wide range of acting styles (from Norris' somnabulism to Billy Drago's slimy Method style to John Ryan's scenery-gumming) and plenty of kicking. Chuck was no longer box-office gold by this point in his career though, and would be on prime-time television just a couple of years later as Walker, Texas Ranger.

On the DVD recorder front, I'm leaning towards a Toshiba. An Internet acquaintance of mine recently picked one up, so recently that he's still going through the manual learning how to use the damn thing. I'll check back with him in a couple of days, and if he's satisfied with it, I might lean in that direction. It has all the features I'm looking for, and I really like the price. Anyone else with recommendations?

Another Year Over and A New One Just Begun
Mood:  celebratory
Happy New Year, everybody! I hope you all had a good time--and a safe one--on New Year's Eve. I ended up staying in this year, unfortunately. I don't know whether I caught some kind of bug or I just haven't been sleeping enough lately, but I felt positively yucky today. I had no energy, didn't feel like eating or doing anything but dozing. I'm feeling a little bit better now, so maybe it was just some 24-hour thing. Thanks to those of you who called with New Year's greetings today; if I didn't answer the phone, rest assured I was half-out-of-it on the couch or in bed wishing I had enough energy to grab the phone. I'm sorry I missed the Deacon party, as it was a really good time last year--darts, beer pong, taquitos, the Goodreaus' wedding cake, Spineless Panno, Kellner driving through the front yard, Sean passing out not just once, but twice.

So I watched 588 movies this year. I don't know any other way to announce something like that, except to just do it. I'm not proud of it, and it surprises even me, considering I saw 436 in 2003, and I had more of "a life" in 2004. Granted, I live alone, giving me more opportunities to watch films. And my social life is often filled with showing and watching movies; for instance, our regular Crappy Movie Nights. So, heck, if it sounds as though I'm a bit embarrassed that I saw 588 movies in 365 days, I suppose I am. But at least it gives me a good excuse to fill some inches in this blog.

The 588 includes films I saw more than once, as well as theatrical releases, cable viewings, VHS and DVDs, and movies I saw aired on TV. It begins with the documentary HELL'S HIGHWAY on January 1, and goes through MARTIAL OUTLAW earlier today.

Four of them are from 1939, the earliest year on the list (ZORRO'S FIGHTING LEGION, CODE OF THE SECRET SERVICE, SMASHING THE MONEY RING and MR. MOTO'S LAST WARNING).
Nine from the 1940s.
17 from the '50s.
43 from the '60s.
142 from the '70s.
135 from the '80s.
113 from the '90s.
103 from the '00s. 48 of those were 2004 releases.

Most in one month:
July: 63
Least in one month:
October: 34

A few rules I set for myself:
Serials count as one movie
TV shows don't count at all
Watching a film with the audio commentary track does not count
Multiple viewings each count as one

Films I saw more than once include (but are not limited to):
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
ANGELFIST
BAMBOO HOUSE OF DOLLS
BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS
BLOOD DEBTS
THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS
BRIDGE OF DRAGONS
CANNONBALL!
CAPRICORN ONE
CHOPPING MALL
DEAD HEAT
THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN (3 times)
DRIVE: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT (3 times)
ELIMINATORS
EUROTRIP (4 times)
EVIL DEAD II
FAHRENHEIT 9/11
H.O.T.S.
THE INTRUDER
KILL SQUAD (3 times)
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
NINJA DESTROYER
PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE
RAGE (1995)
ROBOT JOX
ROLLER BOOGIE
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME
SHARK ZONE
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
THE STABILIZER
THE SUPER INFRA-MAN
SWITCHBLADE SISTERS
TIME SERVED

Same title, but different movies:
WALKING TALL
THE PUNISHER
THE INTRUDER
STARSKY AND HUTCH
RIOT

Similar titles, but different movies:
THE SWEEPER/SWEEPERS
THE WRONG GUY/THE WRONG GUYS
SEARCH AND DESTROY/SEARCH AND RESCUE
ONE MAN ARMY/THE ONE MAN JURY
CODE NAME: WILD GEESE/CODE NAME: ZEBRA
NINJA AVENGERS/NINJA DESTROYER/NINJA THUNDERBOLT
VIRTUAL ASSASSIN/VIRTUAL SEDUCTION

Film I saw the most times:
EUROTRIP: 4

The most films in any one 24-hour period:
15, when I attended Northwestern University's annual B-Fest January 30-31

Numbers in the title, but not a sequel:
EQUALIZER 2000
THE DEVIL'S 8
AIRPORT 1975
AIRPORT '77
CAPRICORN ONE
THE CONCORDE: AIRPORT '79
DEVILS THREE
50 FIRST DATES
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13
AMERICA 3000
FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE
1,000 CONVICTS AND A WOMAN
FAHRENHEIT 9/11
CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE
MURDER ON FLIGHT 502
SIXPACK ANNIE
NEW CRIME CITY: LOS ANGELES 2020 A.D.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING
A FORCE OF ONE
THREE THE HARD WAY
LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS
OCEAN'S ELEVEN
ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER
THE ONE-ARMED EXECUTIONER

Films with topless women in kung-fu fights:
ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
ANGELFIST
TNT JACKSON

I also watched all eleven FRIDAY THE 13TH movies this year, all but two of them for the first time. Other sequels I saw include:
BARBERSHOP 2: BACK IN BUSINESS
BEST OF THE BEST 3: NO TURNING BACK
BLACKBELT 2: FATAL FORCE
BLOODFIST II
BLOODSPORT II
CAGED HEAT II: STRIPPED OF FREEDOM
CYBORG COP II
DEAD ON: RELENTLESS II
DEATH WISH 3
EVIL DEAD II
THE HITCHER II: I'VE BEEN WAITING
MARTIAL LAW II: UNDERCOVER
MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING
PART 2 WALKING TALL
QUATERMASS 2
RAMBO III
RING OF FIRE II: BLOOD AND STEEL
SNIPER 2
SNIPER 3
SPECIES III
SPIDER-MAN 2
STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION
THE SUBSTITUTE 2: SCHOOL'S OUT
SWEENEY 2
TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION
TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL
WILD THINGS 2

Movies with William Shatner:
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY
SHOWTIME
LAND OF THE FREE
VISITING HOURS
BIG BAD MAMA
THE INTRUDER

Before I forget, I have none other than Superman pointing the way towards a new year. This neat cover for ACTION COMICS #81 carries a February 1945 date and was drawn by Wayne Boring & Stan Kaye. Who better than the Man of Steel to start out a new year?