Don't Muck Around With An 18-Wheel Trucker
Now Playing: BREAKER! BREAKER!
Undefeated World Middleweight Karate champion Chuck Norris had established a franchise of karate schools and was teaching martial arts to Hollywood personalities like Steve McQueen when he got the bug to try acting. Small roles in drive-in flicks like THE STUDENT TEACHERS and RETURN OF THE DRAGON eventually led to his first project as a leading man: a shaggy AIP cheapie titled BREAKER! BREAKER! that attempted to cash in on the then-current truckin’ craze that erupted with the success of pop songs like C.W. McCall’s “Convoy” and hit films like SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT.

Chuck is appealing but very stiff as J.D. Dawes, a truck driver who enters the tiny burg of Texas City, California in search of his younger brother, who was waylaid by the town’s corrupt police force and held captive. Norris became more appealing as his screen career grew, but, of course, he never has loosened up much. In the inexperienced hands of director Hulette, who also composed the score and the country-western songs on the soundtrack, Norris kinda flounders about, following the story from A to B to C and barely registering against the eye-rolling bluster of George Murdock as Texas City’s venal boss. Not just the cops, but practically the entire town leaps when Murdock yells “Jump”, leading to some appealing scenes of Chuck running around the cheap-looking ghost-town facades masquerading as Texas City and thumping and kicking a succession of rednecks as if he were inhabiting a side-scrolling video game.

BREAKER! BREAKER! suffers from its small budget and uncertain direction, but probably still managed to make some bucks for American International on the Southern drive-in circuit. Norris learned from a steadier hand in his next production, GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK, which was directed by veteran Ted Post (MAGNUM FORCE) and co-starred name actors like James Franciscus, Dana Andrews and Anne Archer.

On the personal end, I finally got my "new" car back from the shop today, $359 better, I hope. Took the new '94 Altima in for new bearings and a new axle. It's certainly a quieter drive than it was, and I don't have to worry (as much) about the wheel falling off while driving.

I also received my very first cellular phone tonight. I believe people generally need cell phones like they need a hole in their heads, and I don't really see any reason why I needed to jump on the bandwagon. When I'm out driving around or heading to work or hanging out with my friends or going to the movies or sitting in a restaurant, the last thing I'm thinking of is talking on the phone. People will come over to my house to socialize, and then start talking on their phones right in the middle of the living room. I have had groups over to watch movies, where two (!) people were having separate cell phone conversations without even leaving the room. That's inexcusable behavior, I think, and I have no desire to become one of those people. What I find really strange is that these phones all come with voice mail, so why do people feel the need to answer when it rings?

Anyway, my phone is a hand-me-down from my dad, who received it from my brother's wife. It's a prepaid phone with so many minutes paid for in advance. It's not very attractive and doesn't come with a bunch of bells and whistles. Or instructions--I felt like Bill Katt fiddling around with the menus. It charges in the lighter of your car, which is where I plan to keep it. One very good reason to have a cell phone is in case of an auto accident or breakdown or emergency, which is why I'll keep the phone in the car and maybe take it out with me if I need to stay in touch with somebody, like in a massive, crowded convention hall (Wizard World is coming up fast!).

I don't think I've sold out yet, but I'm closer than I was.

Have You Ever Been Kissed By A Woman Like This?
Now Playing: MESA OF LOST WOMEN

It’s a good thing I wasn’t feeling under the weather when I popped this into my DVD player; otherwise, I might believe I had dreamed the whole thing up in a sweaty, delirious haze. Quite probably one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, MESA OF LOST WOMEN plays like a jittery delight, an ethereal neverland where normal laws of logic and physics don’t apply. A land of midgets and giant spiders, mad scientists and genteel psychopaths, where the women are stacked and the audience is stumped.

According to Bill Warren’s essential KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES, MESA OF LOST WOMEN was produced in 1952, but not released in Los Angeles in 1956, during the period when the infamous Edward D. Wood, Jr. was flooding theaters with his peculiar style of cinematic ineptitude. MESA even feels like something Wood might have concocted on the back of a cocktail napkin in a dive on Sunset; in fact, the maddening musical score composed for the picture by Hoyt Curtin later turned up on the soundtrack of Wood’s JAIL BAIT. Once you’ve heard Curtin’s repetitive Mexican-guitar-and-pounding-piano opus, you aren’t likely to forget, as it drowns the picture in a cacophony of noise that sounds as though it were performed by a pair of monkeys locked in a junior high school band room. An interesting footnote is that Curtin ended up at Hanna-Barbera, composing themes and scores for some of the most famous animated series in television history, including THE FLINTSTONES, THE JETSONS, JONNY QUEST and SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?

MESA OF LOST WOMEN stars Jackie Coogan (that’s right--Uncle Fester!) as Dr. Aranya (“That’s Spanish for spider!”), a mad scientist living atop Mesa Zarpa, perched 600 feet above the Mexican desert. For some idiotic reason, Aranya is attempting to breed humans with spiders in order to create a master race to do his bidding. For an even more idiotic reason, the experiments transform the men into mute midgets, whereas the women become sexy Amazons with long fingernails. Aranya summons a fellow scientist, Masterson (Harmon Stevens), to his laboratory in order to share his secrets with the scientific community. The results drive Masterson mad, however, and he is sentenced to a mental hospital and lobotomized. Somehow, he escapes, and shows up at a cantina, where Tarantella (steamy Tandra Quinn) is performing a steamy spider dance. Masterson shoots her and kidnaps a millionaire, his golddigging fianc?, his Chinese servant and Masterson‘s male nurse. He takes his captives to their airplane and forces pilot Grant Phillips (Robert Knapp) to fly them to Mesa Zarpa, where, uh, where not much happens, really. The nurse and the millionaire are killed (off-screen) by a giant spider, and the rest of the party ends up in Aranya’s underground lab, where Masterson recovers his sanity long enough to send Phillips and his new squeeze on their way safely, and then blow the lab all to hell, destroying Aranya’s mad dream and himself in the process.

All of this happens in about 68 minutes and is actually more compressed than that. MESA opens with a prologue that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, showing Tarantella planting a kiss of death on an unassuming male victim, and then a bunch of incomprehensible narration written by co-director Tevos (who doesn’t appear to have made another picture) and delivered by Lyle Talbot (JAIL BAIT), another reminder of the Wonderful World of Ed Wood. Talbot rambles deliciously about “hexapods” and the perils of Muerto Desert--”the desert of Death.”

Although a handful of minor B-movie actors signed on to Tevos and Ormond’s lunacy, including Allan Nixon (PREHISTORIC WOMAN) and Richard Travis (Lou Gehrig in THE BABE RUTH STORY), the only performer you’re likely to recognize is Coogan, who later played the eccentric Uncle Fester on THE ADDAMS FAMILY. A very famous child actor, Coogan had not yet made many waves in his adult career, starring in an obscure syndicated series with the unlikely title of COWBOY G-MEN. He doesn’t appear to be enjoying MESA very much, basically walking through the (probably) two days he spent on the set. Sporting thick eyeglasses, a goatee and a mole, he almost looks as though he’s trying to hide, thankful for the house payment he was able to make that month because of his MESA paycheck. Coogan went on to appear in a couple of Albert Zugsmith productions, including the magnificent HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL as a drug kingpin, and even produced and directed an obscure espionage B-flick under his own Coogan Films banner before hitting it big opposite John Astin and Carolyn Jones on THE ADDAMS FAMILY.

Let The Revenge Fit The Crime
Now Playing: RAPE SQUAD
The late Bob Kelljan was a very good director of low-budget action movies and television shows during the 1970’s, in particular three vampire movies for American-International Pictures: two COUNT YORGA pictures and a BLACULA sequel (perhaps Kelljan became typecast in the genre, as he also helmed a STARSKY & HUTCH episode that guest-starred John Saxon as a killer who thought he was a vampire). Probably his most obscure film is 1974's RAPE SQUAD, an AIP sickie with a politically incorrect title and whiplash-inducing message swings between female empowerment and sexploitation.

Familiar television guest star Jo Ann Harris toplines as Linda, a lunch-wagon proprietress who becomes the latest victim of the Jingle Bells rapist (Peter Brown), an egotist in a hockey mask and orange jumpsuit who forces women to sing the Christmas carol while he assaults them. The police, represented by detective Long (Ross Elliott), are ineffective, so the victims decide to organize a “rape squad”, a vigilante group with a 24-hour hotline dedicated to capturing rapists, mashers, perverts, pimps and even obscene phone callers. They take karate lessons from diminutive Tiny (Lada Edmund Jr.), who teaches them how to crush a mannequin’s testicles with a baton. Soon, the newly empowered women are running all over L.A. at the drop of a dime, entrapping a sleazy club manager with an eye for Harris’ curves in a see-through dress and beating a street pimp with a habit of smacking around his girls. Naturally, ol’ Jingle Bells discovers the women’s game plan to crush his jewels and plots a return match.

Like many exploitation movies of the era, particularly those from Roger Corman’s New World Pictures that teamed up three stewardesses, nurses, teachers, etc., RAPE SQUAD tries to have it both ways: to offer strong, independent female characters in control of their own lives while still dishing out a healthy amount of nudity and violence against women. Rape scenes were frequently inserted into these films for their titillation value, as an excuse to provide its slobbering audience with a pair of bare boobs. Of course, if the film doesn’t show rape as the horrifying and indefensible crime that it is, it runs the danger of not providing the drama with a strong motivation for the heroines’ revenge. It’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. Since RAPE SQUAD’s screenplay was penned by at least one woman (Betty Conklin and H.R. Christian receive credit), one can assume that the filmmakers were aware of the need to provide its rape victims (and the actresses who portray them) with a certain amount of sensitivity, while still paying strict attention to AIP’s commercial demands for boobs and blood.

Give Kelljan credit for handling the difficult material with aplomb, delivering a suspenseful and occasionally thoughtful thriller that may not have set the drive-ins on fire (RAPE SQUAD was re-released as the less incendiary ACT OF VENGEANCE, the title on the Thorn EMI/HBO videocassette print). Adding much to the film is Brown’s performance as the narcissistic rapist. Appearing in most of his scenes with his face covered by a hockey mask that predates the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, the handsome television star (LAREDO), who also played the heavy in AIP’s FOXY BROWN the same year, is positively sinister and sleazy, cutting off his victims’ clothing, brutalizing their breasts and compelling them to sing aloud (why “Jingle Bells” is never explained) and compliment him on his “lovemaking” skills. Harris, a beautiful brunette who began appearing regularly on TV in 1968, usually as a scheming vamp in episodic guest shots or as the lead in several unsold pilots (including the Jane Fonda role in a CAT BALLOU remake), gives an intelligent, sexy performance as Brown’s nemesis, a smart, self-sufficient small-business owner who risks her life--and, in an unusual twist, the lives of her friends--in her obsession with her attacker’s capture. She’s so good in the role that I was unable to accept her relationship with wiseass boyfriend Tom (Steve Kanaly, later on DALLAS), an insensitive, irresponsible ass not worthy of Linda.

Where RAPE SQUAD has really dated is in its portrayal of the authorities’ investigation. Statements are taken by male policeman who insinuate that the victim may have invited her attacker to rape her, and the medical examination is shown as a cold, sterile, clinically depressing exercise. Thankfully, laws have since been passed that make it easier and less embarrassing for a rape victim to report her crime. It would be interesting to see a contemporary remake; the elements for a commercial thriller are certainly there, especially the notion of five sexy young women kicking the asses of men, who all are depicted in RAPE SQUAD as being sexist thugs. Undoubtedly the Kanaly character would receive a personality transplant in any modern version, which probably wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Tony Young (POLICEWOMEN) appears as a date rapist who receives his just desserts from the “squad”, along with Jennifer Lee, Connie Strickland, Patricia Estrin and Lisa Moore as Harris’ fellow vigilantes. RAPE SQUAD was reportedly heavily cut when it was released in Great Britain as THE VIOLATOR, as are television prints aired on so-called “uncensored” cable networks. Like other unheralded ‘70s drive-in flicks like THE CANDY SNATCHERS and BONNIE’S KIDS--well-made, offbeat thrillers that are difficult to see today--RAPE SQUAD is worthy of a crisp DVD release.

Postscript: Subversive Cinema has scheduled a Special Edition release of THE CANDY SNATCHERS this August, a DVD certain to be one of the year's most anticipated.

24 Hours Of B-Movie Mayhem
Now Playing: 5+2=MISSION HYDRA
Poking around the Internet tonight, I accidentally discovered Ken Begg’s blog, Jabootu's Bad Blogging Dimension. Ken is the host of one of the ‘Net’s more interesting Web sites dedicated to Crappy Movies. Even though he doesn’t update it as often as I wish he would, and even though his politics are much more conservative than mine, I visit Ken’s Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension site about once a month or so, usually to discover he’s posted a new review of something that either I’m dying to see or I have seen and must read Jabootu’s take on it. That means I have to set some time aside, because Ken likes to write. And write. And write. I’m still working on his THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK treatise.

Ken also happens to be a nice guy and one of the sponsors of B-Fest, Northwestern University’s annual 24-hour marathon of Crappy Movies. Ken and I have traded several e-mails over the past few years, but have never met. And that’s entirely my fault, as he graciously invites me to stop by his row and say howdy at every year’s fest, yet I’m always too lazy or too hungry or too intimidated to make my way down to the “VIP” section where Ken and other sponsors and Web gurus hang out. He even offered to help me buy tickets for the 2005 event when it looked like B-Fest tickets might sell out in a hurry (and they did). It turned out I didn’t need Ken’s assistance, but I appreciated the offer and still do.

At any rate, I’ve added Ken’s blog to my list of daily Web sites to visit, and if you’re interested in Crappy Movies, you might want to stop by and check it out for yourself.

I posted about the 2005 B-Fest back in January when it happened, but if you’re joining us late, B-Fest is just how I described it above. You sit in a college auditorium for 24 consecutive hours, staring at the screen at some of the worst--and the funniest--movies on Earth. And there isn’t a lot of time to decompress after each one either, since there’s rarely more than one or two minutes between the end of one and the start of the next on the schedule. Plus, you’re not just watching the films; you’re also “riffing” on them MST3K-style, which is both part of the fun and part of the torture of the event. Especially when you’re plagued by the Gymkata Guys. My first B-Fest was in 2002, when my friend Kevin and I were unfortunate enough to find ourselves about two rows in front of some guys who were among the loudest, most obnoxious and downright unfunniest riffers in B-Fest history. One of the films was GYMKATA, which let to constant cries of “Gymkata!” from the GG. Over and over again. Always punctuated with them laughing their asses off. So it was 24 hours of “Gymkata! Ha ha ha! Gymkata! Ha ha!”

Last year, Kevin, Tolemite (a veteran of three B-Fests now, one behind me) and I found ourselves in front of some guys who may or may not have been the GG. They sure as hell sounded like the Gymkata Guys, even though one of them posted here in January and claimed that he wasn’t at this year’s B-Fest. Usually the shouting trails off as the night goes on, culminating in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE at midnight, which is an annual audience-participation experience along the lines of THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. After that is usually a blaxploitation movie, and the crowd normally settles down during the overnight hours, just sleeping or chilling out or sometimes leaving the auditorium to breathe fresh air in the student union. These guys, who I’ll call the Gymkata Guys, because I’m not convinced they aren’t, hardly ever let up, constantly screaming the stupidest, most inane “jokes” and then laughing their asses off. For instance, a horse would appear on-screen, and one would say, “Why the long face?” OK, not a bad pun. Now imagine hearing it every time that horse appears. Every shot. “Why the long face?”, accompanied by hysterical laughter like it was the first time they had ever heard it. The bright side is that the GG have contributed a few in-jokes to Toler and my viewing of Crappy Movies. I can always get a rise out of Tolemite by saying, “That makes me shudder” or “Just in case you wanted to know how the robot got up the hill” or “Get out of the car.” You all know somebody who is loud and pisses you off because he think he’s funny and he isn’t? Imagine being trapped with that guy all day and all night.

The GG aside, B-Fest is always fun. The organizers do a good job mixing up the genres, so if, for instance, you don’t like ‘50s sci-fi movies, well, a dumb martial-arts film will probably be next. Or a comedy. Or a Hammer horror film. Or something from Troma. The last few years, the students have programmed way too much ‘80s for a well-rounded B-Fest, although it’s hard to argue with the titles they’ve chosen, including DEATH WISH 3, BREAKIN’, BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, NO HOLDS BARRED… Here’s what was on last year’s plate:

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS (‘50s SF with awesome Ray Harryhausen visual effects)
THE APPLE (a stunningly bad futuristic disco musical by Cannon--one of the most notorious bad movies ever)
THE SWARM (hilarious ‘70s disaster flick about killer bees--”It’s on a completely different sonic level.”)
THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME short (a perennial, this wonderful film is accompanied by the crowd lying on the floor in front of the screen and stomping their feet to the beat--I don’t know why, as WOSAT is beautiful as it is.)
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (always at midnight and accompanied by flying paper plates and shouts of “Day/Night”, “Wicker/Rattan”, “Bela/Not Bela”, etc.)
BLACK CAESAR (badass Fred “The Hammer” Williamson blaxploitation--too good for B-Fest, really)
SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE (terrible b&w comedy with hot stacked Mamie Van Doren and hot stacked Tuesday Weld that still manages to be one of my most painful B-Fest viewings)
DEATH WISH 3 (Goddamn, this Bronson sequel from Cannon kicks so much ass, it’s so terrible and hilariously funny--”Teeth!”)
PROJECT MOONBASE (I slept only one hour this year, and it was during this staid ‘50s SF movie written by Robert Heinlein!)
3 NINJAS: HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN (Hulk Hogan and Loni Anderson! And 3 kung-fu-kicking kids! Jim Varney! A radio control heli! Awesome!)
ROBOT MONSTER (very funny, cheap ‘50s SF about a robot/monster/ape/alien with a bubble machine in Bronson Canyon…everyone should see this once)
CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (not bad for a Troma movie, but not so good for B-Fest in that the crowd can’t mock a film that’s already a mockery)
ADVENTURES OF NEEKA (a compilation of three episodes of the LASSIE TV series)
ICE PIRATES (Robert Urich in a ponytail pretends he’s Burt Reynolds in this smirky, tasteless SF comedy)
IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE (pretty good SF monster movie…it’s the movie that ALIEN ripped off)
BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (yeah, it has a ten-cent title, but I defy you to not have a good time watching it--one dude even went on stage to breakdance during the movie…and he was good too!)

If you’re interested in B-Fest, read my blog entry from earlier this year and get more details of the fun, the exhaustion and the trip to Leona’s.

No Prison Ever Broke This Man
Now Playing: I ESCAPED FROM DEVIL'S ISLAND
PAPILLON was the obvious inspiration for this old-fashioned potboiler produced by The Corman Company, run by brothers Roger and Gene Corman. Everyone knows who Roger Corman is, I suppose--one of the most prolific and important independent filmmakers ever, a writer, producer and director of dozens of profitable exploitation movies during the 1950’s and ‘60s who started his own studio in the early ‘70’s, New World Pictures, which churned out hundreds of drive-in favorites until he sold the company in the mid-‘80s. But brother Gene was also a film producer of note with exploitation pictures like SKI PARTY and BEACH BALL and the mainstream adventure TOBRUK. The two brothers occasionally teamed up to make pictures, including this R-rated drive-in number with a great exploitative title.

I ESCAPED FROM DEVIL’S ISLAND was also one of the last features directed by William Witney, who made Republic’s best serials in the 1930’s and ‘40s, like SPY SMASHER and THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL. Witney began as a film editor, a background that was very useful when he turned to directing and staging some of cinema’s coolest and most energetic fight scenes in his serials. This Mexico-lensed adventure has similar pacing, introducing the lead characters to a wild succession of obstacles in their flight from the titular island, including sharks, lepers, sex-crazed natives and corrupt policemen.

Set in French Guiana in 1918, former football star Jim Brown (THE DIRTY DOZEN) is top-billed as Le Bras, an individualistic black prisoner forced to endure intense manual labor and daily beatings by the brutal guards that are sanctioned by the one-armed warden (Paul Richards). Teaming up with a pair of gay lovers, played by THE YOUNG REBELS star Rick Ely and veteran TV heavy James Luisi, Le Bras escapes into the surf on a raft sewn together from animal skins. Also along is Devert (Christopher George), a pacifist who believes the prison’s harsh conditions can be tamed through words. The casting of two-fisted George is an interesting idea that never really comes across; the RAT PATROL star is just too energetic and would have been really good as Richard Prather's pulp P.I. Shell Scott.

Backed by a pompous Les Baxter score, lots of violence and a touch of full-frontal nudity, courtesy of a randy Indian widow who wants Brown to take the place of her late husband (whom Brown killed), this fast-paced actioner is decent late-night viewing if you’re lucky enough to see it. It has never received a domestic home video release, VHS or DVD. I originally saw a cut, pan-and-scan print on Turner Classic Movie in the late 1990’s, but a nice uncut, widescreen version has recently aired on the VOOM satellite service. Brown’s career as a leading man was waning, but George continued to play tough-guy roles in television and exploitation movies (including real cruddy stuff like GRADUATION DAY and the amazing PIECES) right up to his 1983 death. This was originally a United Artists release, which probably means that Warners owns it now, which definitely means you can forget ever seeing it on DVD.

I've gone to the theater twice this weekend, which I haven't done in quite awhile. I used to go to the movies so much more often than I do now, sometimes two or three a week, but lackadaisical theater presentation, high prices, rude audiences, and a lack of interesting new movies mostly keep me away these days. Anything that catches my eye I will sometimes watch on DVD, like BE COOL (which isn't very good) and HOSTAGE, which is sitting in its Netflix envelope waiting to be watched.

This weekend, I caught LAND OF THE DEAD and BATMAN BEGINS and liked them both. LAND is, of course, the fourth in George A. Romero's DEAD series which started in 1968 with the landmark NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, a black-and-white horror film so powerful that it's one of just a handful of honored films locked away in the Library of Congress vault for preservation purposes. LAND is much different from Romero's earlier zombie flicks, likely the result of having studio backing, a mandated R rating (the earlier films went out unrated), shooting in Canada (Romero prefers his hometown of Pittsburgh) and a cast of name actors like Asia Argento and Dennis Hopper. Despite that, Romero managed to release what is probably the goriest R-rated film I've seen in a theater (either Universal greased some palms or the MPAA is just high) and an entertaining one. Plus, you'll see Tom Savini reprising his role from 1979's DAWN OF THE DEAD as the Machete Biker Zombie.

BATMAN BEGINS is a strong superhero film, although I like individual pieces better than the total sum. Christopher Nolan directs action scenes effectively like I can play shortstop for the Cincinnati Reds, but he and David S. Goyer turned in a surprisingly rich script, and no previous Batman film has attracted such a strong cast, starting with Christian Bale (SHAFT) as Bruce Wayne/Batman and including Michael Caine as butler Alfred, Gary Oldman as future commissioner Gordon, Morgan Freeman, Rutger Hauer, Cillian Murphy, Ken Watanabe, Tom Wilkenson and Liam Neeson as the main heavy. The only wrong note is Katie Holmes as the love interest, a Gotham City district attorney whom I didn't believe had ever held a law book, much less read one. I'm not really a fan of origin stories--I know Batman's backstory better than the filmmakers do anyway, and I don't really care where the Batmobile came from or who created his costume--and the fact that Batman doesn't show up until more than an hour into the film is a major flaw. However, it's certainly one of the best Batman films ever made, and is especially successful in its visual effects, wisely using CGI to enhance the action and not overwhelm it. I thought the relationships between Bale and Caine and Bale and Oldman were wonderful, and I hope they're able to grow in future films.

It's the action sequences that disappoint though, as Nolan films everything much too tight and cuts too quickly. Maybe that's what you get when you cast actors who can't fight, but it's hard to be impressed by Batman's stature as the world's preeminent martial artist when you can't see what he's doing or follow his moves. I'm not sure the film wouldn't have been served better by casting an actor who could fight and a director who's a better craftsman than Nolan. Personally, I'd like to see Mark Dacascos of DRIVE and BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF as Batman and someone who specializes in action pictures to direct him, perhaps John Glen, who made several James Bond pictures, or Isaac Florentine, who has made some whiz-bang direct-to-video action films that nobody has seen.

Where The Hell Is Captain Chaos?
Now Playing: SPEED ZONE
By coincidence, I saw our pal Art Hindle pop up tonight as a Washington, D.C. cop in SPEED ZONE, which was conceived as CANNONBALL RUN III. Perhaps Orion had difficulties obtaining the rights to the title, but the participation of producer Albert S. Ruddy and co-star Jamie Farr as "The Sheik" practically guarantees that SPEED ZONE was intended to be a sequel to the Burt Reynolds moneymakers. The problem is that Burt and his band of merry pranksters aren't in it. Instead, it's an SCTV-ized version that features John Candy, Eugene Levy and Joe Flaherty, was written by Michael Short, and was directed by Jim Drake. It's an action/comedy with dull action and little comedy. And certainly lacking the star power of the CANNONBALL films, which sparkled with names like Roger Moore, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Shirley MacLaine, Farrah Fawcett, Peter Fonda and Jackie Chan. SPEED ZONE substitutes the Smothers Brothers, Matt Frewer, Alyssa Milano, Melody Anderson, Brooke Shields, Michael Spinks, Peter Boyle, Donna Dixon, Lee Van Cleef and Tim Matheson. And, of course, Art Hindle, who drives a Lambourghini, but does not win the big race.

Candy made a lot of mediocre movies, but I don't recall him ever giving a bad performance, and even the lack of funny material and the misguided romance with Dixon (who plays her character as a Marilyn Monroe impression) look somewhat reputable in his capable hands. Frewer, as an Englishman who teams up with hitman Flaherty (who resembles his Rocco n'er-do-well from the SCTV soap THE DAYS OF THE WEEK), wrestles with an appalling accent, but plays off Flaherty well, and their scenes are probably the film's liveliest. Dick and Tom Smothers look like they're having a good time, and Brooke Shields is surprisingly competent playing herself. Not acquitting themselves as well are Levy (who's wasted), Peter Boyle (struggling with a ridiculous character) and Shari Belafonte and Melody Anderson as beautiful Ph.D's who aren't allowed to be very sexy. SPEED ZONE is also missing the daring stunt work that might have made it worthwhile for action fans. There's a lot of fast driving and cars occasionally bumping each other, but the chases exhibit less energy than the bumper car party that rolls beneath the closing crawl.

Deep Discount DVD is having a massive 20% Off sale right now, so it's a good time to catch up on some titles you've been dying to have. I received my package in the mail this week--a great deal for $67.42...and free shipping! I purchased:

DANGER: DIABOLIK (2 copies--1 for my friend Salvatore, a fan of the Italian comic)
PRIME CUT (Lee Marvin/Gene Hackman)
BREAKER! BREAKER! (Chuck Norris' first film)
AVALANCHE (a Roger Corman disaster movie with Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow and Robert Forster)
THE HAUNTING OF MORELLA (Jim Wynorski does Poe with nude scenes by Nicole Eggert, Maria Ford and Lana Clarkson)
KOJAK: SEASON ONE (who loves ya, baby?)

Looks like a big movie weekend--LAND OF THE DEAD with some Horizonites tomorrow night and BATMAN BEGINS with Csiki on Saturday. Coming up in August is Wizard World, so I need to start saving money for that, especially since we're staying for the entire three-day convention again this year.

Something For Everyone
Now Playing: DEATHDREAM

Who'da thunk it? A SUPERTRAIN fan page. I don't really remember much about SUPERTRAIN--I likely was watching whatever was on the other channels then--but I do recall the hubris surrounding it. SUPERTRAIN is one of TV's most notorious failures. It was created during Fred Silverman's reign as head of programming at NBC--a reign that plummeted the network into last place with a frighteningly lame slate of terrible shows. Not just bad shows, but expensive ones too. SUPERTRAIN, which was basically a ripoff of THE LOVE BOAT set aboard a powerfully fast passenger train, was, at the time, one of TV's most expensive shows, mostly because of the large sets and elaborate train models. It ran only ten episodes, but never more than four consecutive weeks, as NBC fiddled with the format and timeslot in an effort to perk up the ratings. You can learn more about the show--and check out some neat vintage logos and TV Guide ads--at the Web site I've linked to above. I'd like to see a SUPERTRAIN DVD box set. Gotta dig that Fred Williamson guest shot!

Over the weekend, I roadtripped to St. Louis to pick up my hot new ride--a used '94 Nissan Lumina that I bought from my brother and sister-in-law. It's got a few problems, but seems to be running and looking good so far. Monday night I ran into a bit of a problem when the sunroof opened and refused to close. After three hours of fiddling with it well into the night, Grady, Chicken and I managed to get the damn thing shut, although hell if I know how we did it. Blind luck played a big part, I think, although those guys seemed to have a good idea what they were doing. Thanks to those friends for their help, as I would definitely have been screwed without them.

Last night turned into an impromptu Crappy Movie Night when Chicken called and said he was bored. Chicken, Grady, Stiner and SuperLar and his lady came by for Michael Dudikoff Night: AMERICAN NINJA and AVENGING FORCE. NINJA is, of course, a Cannon classic that led to several sequels. It has a lot of action and a charismatic turn by the late Steve James as Dudikoff's sidekick, but FORCE is the real gem in Dudikoff's filmography. For some reason, MGM has yet to release AVENGING FORCE on DVD, but it needs to come out, especially since I only have an LP pre-record on the Video Treasures label that has been played too many times. AVENGING FORCE is a terrific movie, again co-starring James and directed by NINJA's Sam Firstenberg, who has made a lot of entertaining flicks, including AMERICAN NINJA 2: THE CONFRONTATION and BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. AVENGING FORCE not only contains some crackerjack action scenes, atmospherically shot in the Louisiana swamp, but ups the suspense by creating some truly vicious bad guys for Dudikoff to fight. Led by that great ham John P. Ryan, who played the dad in the first two IT'S ALIVE pictures, the villains are racists, white slavers and child killers who totally lack a conscience. There's also one amazing stunt where Dudikoff's character is standing on the roof of a large farmhouse, is shot in the leg with an arrow, and falls off the roof onto the porch roof, bounces off and onto the unpadded ground. Firstenberg shoots it all in one continuous long shot, and I don't know how the stuntman did it without getting hurt. It's pretty spectacular. There's a lot of Dudikoff out on DVD now, but his best film, AVENGING FORCE, isn't, and neither is the very good PLATOON LEADER, a Vietnam War action pic that, I believe, is the only film directed by Aaron Norris that Aaron's brother Chuck isn't in.

For Tolemite, I recommend DEATHDREAM, a rocky low-budget horror movie filmed in Florida that features a creepy performance by Richard Backus as a zombie named Andy. He's not a standard Romero-style zombie and the character is as much a vampire as he is a zombie. Andy is an American G.I. killed in Vietnam who supernaturally returns to his hometown, seemingly just because his grief-stricken mother (played by FACES' Lynn Carlin, who later provided the voice of Richard Thomas' spaceship in BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS) wants him to. Beyond looking abnormally pale, Andy acts very strangely, not eating or sleeping, refusing to speak to anyone, and generally creeping out his family, especially after he strangles to death the family dog. His father (John Marley, also in FACES and best known as the guy who wakes up with the horse's head in THE GODFATHER, a part he parodied in an SCTV episode) is the only one who acknowledges Andy's behavior, which grows worse when he goes on a killing spree to acquire the human blood he needs to keep it together. "It" being his skin, which is in a constant state of decay and begins peeling when he needs nourishment.

Directed by Bob Clark (A CHRISTMAS STORY) and written by Alan Ormsby (CAT PEOPLE) with makeup effects by Ormsby and Tom Savini (DAWN OF THE DEAD), DEATHDREAM is a bit ragged in its cinematography, dialogue and performances, but does a nice job of presenting Andy's "illness" in both a horrific sense and as a metaphor commenting on the then-current Vietnam War. Backus wears the makeup well, looking and acting very creepy, and might have been a good choice for the role later played by Keir Dullea in Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS, one of the best horror films of the 1970's. That isn't a criticism of Dullea, but Backus has a similar look and placidity to his acting.

LAND OF THE DEAD opens this weekend, which I'm looking forward to, but if you're interested in a more low-key zombie movie that focuses more on its message than on action, DEATHDREAM is an interesting picture that has been well-served on DVD from Blue Underground, who graces the disc with two commentary tracks (one by Clark, which I didn't listen to, and an informative one by Ormsby), new interviews, a trailer, deleted scenes, a poster and still gallery and more. An excellent presentation of a relatively obscure film that deserves to be more widely seen.

More Norris Gooch

This photo makes me weep. This time, we not only get an extra-close view of Chuck's, um, gusset, we also get to check out Chuck's ass. Or lack of ass. Where the hell is Chuck's booty?

I also noticed these jeans cost $30. That had to be a hell of a lotta money in 1980 or whenever this ad came out. I don't pay $30 for jeans now. Of course, I also don't get into massive karate fights with ninja, foreign spies, druglords and serial killers, so I guess I'm safe going without the special Stretch Fabric and No-Binding Technology of the slim, trim, intricately engineered Chuck Norris Action Karate Jeans.

Something funny about Chuck (and I really am a fan, you know this by now). Something Weird Video's A SCREAM IN THE STREETS DVD has several short films as extras, and one of them is an anti-crime educational film that dates back to around the mid-1970's. Among the talking heads is a pre-movie-star Chuck Norris. When someone asks Chuck what he would do if he found himself surrounded in a back alley by a gang of young muggers, he says something like, "I'd give 'em all the money I had, and if that wasn't enough, I'd ask 'em if they'd take a check." That doesn't sound to me like a person with the cool confidence of Chuck Norris Karate Jeans. I want my $29.95 back.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Starring With Snakes
Now Playing: SNAKE ISLAND
Went over to the Cohens for a little while last night for a crappy movie that dialed up On Demand. Hey, you know me, the words "crappy movie" trigger a Pavlovian response in me, and I'll go just about anywhere. Especially when it's something about killer snakes that stars The Greatest American Hero and Jake Speed.

Of course, William Katt was THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO on ABC during the early 1980's, and JAKE SPEED is the title of a terrible RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK ripoff that I actually saw theatrically upon its mid-'80s release. Besides featuring the most embarrassing role of John Hurt's career as the fey villain, JAKE starred an actor and producer of low-budget exploitation movies named Wayne Crawford. I saw it again about a year ago, and it's still bad. But not bad enough to keep me away from SNAKE ISLAND.

As long as a film shows me something I’ve never seen before, I’m usually content. But I certainly wasn’t prepared for what SNAKE ISLAND writer/producer/director/star Crawford tossed at me--talking snakes. Wait, let me amend that--singing, talking snakes. Granted, it only happens in a dream sequence, but the scene where a woman awakens to find a pair of reptiles swaying to the sounds of their own singing, complete with animated lip-synching, left me a little slack-jawed. Incongruous, ridiculous and just plain stupid, at least the scene is memorable, which is more than one can say for the rest of the film.

A bunch of tourists, on their way by boat to a resort along a South African river, stop off for a moment at the abandoned Snake Island resort to drop off Malcolm Page (Katt, who looks a lot like Bruce Davison these days), an author researching a horror novel. The boat conks out, however, and the entire party, led by grizzled guide Jake (Crawford), has to spend the night there. I don’t know how anyone could relax at a place called Snake Island, where seemingly thousands of slithering killers lurk in every tree, patch of grass and corner, but the party has little problem drinking, showering, sleeping and having sex. That is, until the pissed-off little snakes, which are somehow versed in the concept of revenge, start chomping on them.

Crawford, who has been writing, producing and appearing in junky exploitation films since the ‘70s, delivers the goods as well as he can, even throwing in a gratuitous striptease to assure an R rating. He and Katt share the hero honors, although neither of them takes their job--or the project--very seriously. But, then again, how could they? The snake effects are pretty bad, usually alternating between obvious CGI and rubbery fakes on strings. And it was good to see Kate Connor again. She played the hottie Army rocket scientist in porn-movie-librarian spectacles and a short skirt in the terrific U.S. SEALS II and happily provides eye candy in SNAKE ISLAND, along with Dawn Matthews (who does the nude dancing and showering) and Nicola Hanekom as Jake’s estranged wife.

The Art Of Acting
Spurred, I think, by my recent review of THE OCTAGON, my friend Rob has lately been corresponding with actor Art Hindle, a very busy Canadian who appeared in that film as A.J., the best friend of Chuck Norris‘ character. Two things that distinguish Hindle in THE OCTAGON: 1) his fluffy mane of feathered hair that threatens to steal all of his scenes and 2) he plays a badass karate champion, yet not once do we see him do any karate. Even further, when he attempts to invade a secret terrorist training camp run by killer ninja, he is captured in about 0.46 seconds, leaving it up to Chuck to try to save his ass.

Hindle has actually had a pretty interesting career that dates at least as far back as 1971, when he began appearing in Canadian features and TV shows. One of his early films, FACE-OFF, was honored with its own SCTV parody with John Candy playing “Hindle”. Of course, anyone who grew up watching as much American television as I did in the 1970’s and early ‘80s knows Hindle’s face for sure, if not his name. He guest-starred in many popular TV series, like BARNABY JONES and STARSKY & HUTCH (in that first-season episode, now available on DVD, he played an “evil twin” of Starsky and Hutch’s old buddy), but my brother and I really remember him from the obscure THE POWER WITHIN, a TV-movie where he played a test pilot who was struck by lightning and gained superpowers. It was obviously meant to be a pilot, but the series didn’t sell, and Hindle continued bouncing back and forth between his native Canada (where he starred in David Cronenberg’s THE BROOD) and the U.S., working in both features and television.

He might not want to admit it, but his biggest success was probably PORKY’S, a notorious teen sex comedy that hit theaters in 1982 and went on to become one of the most profitable independent films ever made. Everybody of my age group saw PORKY’S--usually more than once--and Hindle had a nice role in this Canadian sleeper as a police officer. He had already worked for director Bob Clark in the fabulously chilly horror film BLACK CHRISTMAS (in which he steals almost every scene he’s in, thanks to the magnificent black fur coat he’s wearing that makes him look as though he’s being mauled by a grizzly bear) and was rewarded with an even larger part in Clark’s PORKY’S II: THE NEXT DAY, an interesting failure that bounces back and forth uncomfortably between raunchy sex hijinks and serious racial themes. To be fair, the first PORKY’S dealt with anti-Semitism, but the message is more pronounced in the sequel, which, to its credit, attempts to be a stupid sex comedy about Something.

Another Hindle picture that has stuck with me, due to seeing it on HBO 493 times, is RAW COURAGE, an effective little thriller written by its star, Ronny Cox (BEVERLY HILLS COP), in which he and Hindle are a couple of fitness freaks running across the desert who become targets for a white survivalist army led by M. Emmet Walsh (MISSING IN ACTION). Yeah, it’s basically THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, but Cox and Hindle do a fine job playing their roles as Everymen caught up in an extraordinary life-and-death scenario.

You should be happy to hear that Art is as busy as ever, mainly in Canada. I most recently saw him in BLACK HORIZON, a direct-to-video thriller directed by Fred Olen Ray (who loves working with older stars) and starring Michael Dudikoff. He had some juicy scenes as a sinister senator who could care less that his niece is one of a handful of astronauts and cosmonauts stranded on a space station.

And you know what? He still has damn good hair.