Now Playing: NAIL GUN MASSACRE
One thing's for sure with a title like NAIL GUN MASSACRE: you know exactly what you're getting. Something like the currently acclaimed THE SQUID AND THE WHALE, who knows what the hell that's about? But with NAIL GUN MASSACRE, it's a sure bet it isn't a sequel to BLEAK HOUSE.
It's also from Texas, the state that gave us the stinker R.O.T.O.R. It's probably about as bad too, if slightly less boring. Feel safe concentrating all the blame on Terry Lofton, who served as co-director, writer, producer, casting director, stunt coordinator and special effects man.
Six months after a bunch of construction workers gang-rape lumber-yard owner Michelle Meyer, a masked killer clad in combat gear begins murdering local townspeople with a powerful nail gun. Dumbass cop Ron Queen and dipshit doctor Rocky Patterson notice that most of the victims were named by Meyer as her attackers, but not all of them. You’ll be forgiven for guessing that Meyer is the killer, considering the actor hidden beneath all that gear is obviously a woman. You'd be wrong, but no one could blame you.
The level of incompetence is really breathtaking. One actress (Lofton’s grandmother) looks at the camera during a take, just after blowing a line. Some victims have trouble holding their breath while playing dead. Nails that are supposed to have penetrated bodies wiggle around on the actors’ skin (the nails are sawed off and glued to the skin). A blonde actress with large breasts plays her only scene completely topless while Lofton’s camera zooms into her chest. Characters come and go with no reason to exist except to get killed. A radio plays a terrible rock song about, of all subjects, foosball. Twice. Some dialogue can scarcely be heard over the racket made by the camera.
NAIL GUN MASSACRE at least has a lot of blood and nudity (including a surprisingly graphic sex scene against a tree) that will keep you awake, fighting against the terrible acting and production values. Magnum Entertainment released this straight to video in 1987. For some reason, Synapse, an independent distributor of some repute, made it into a deluxe DVD last year. Among the disc's extras is an interview with Terry Lofton, where he tries to dis critics who put down his movie, all the while apologizing to his actors for not writing a full script and asking them to ad-lib dialogue. He seems like a nice guy, but he appears to believe his movie is good. It is not.
On a side note, I watched another episode of DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDERCOVER, "Rx for Murder", which is only of note because one of the guest stars was Kristine DeBell. B-Festers (and those who have been to my house for Crappy Movie Night) may recognize her as the star of 1976's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a pornographic musical comedy. A lot of eyebrows were raised the year ALICE screened at B-Fest around 3am, and doubly so later that day when Kristine appeared in the Jackie Chan vehicle THE BIG BRAWL. What's unusual is that, unlike someone like Traci Lords, DeBell was not a porn star who crossed over into mainstream Hollywood. She was a mainstream actress who happened to star in a porn film. As porn goes, ALICE is pretty tame, and Kristine doesn't really do much more than Chloe Sevigny does in THE BROWN BUNNY.
Actor Larry Gelman from CHATTERBOX and THE BOB NEWHART SHOW (who doesn't perform any sex acts) and arranger/conductor Peter Matz (THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW) also worked on ALICE IN WONDERLAND, and it doesn't appear that any of them suffered in Hollywood as a result. Nor should they have. I suspect this could be because ALICE, though filmed with hardcore sex scenes, was trimmed of several minutes by its producers and released theatrically with an R rating. The few people who likely saw it as a spicy musical spoof were probably unaware of its hardcore origins. I don't think the X-rated cut was released until many years later, maybe even after DeBell's acting career had run its course.
The movie, by the way, is pretty fun, if you're open to the theatrical performances, cheapo production values, and songs about Humpty Dumpty falling off his wall and breaking his penis.
Posted by Marty
at 3:05 AM CST