I'm Buying Hooker In August

Wowee wow! I'm very impressed by this cover art. Sony this week released a sneak peek at the box art for T.J. HOOKER: THE COMPLETE 1ST AND 2ND SEASONS, which will hit stores August 9. Poor Jimmy Darren got left out--it must hurt to have less name recognition than Adrian (DANCE FEVER) Zmed--but the colors, the logo, the photos and the design of this box are really great. It's gonna look great on my shelf, that's for sure. The set features all 26 episodes from the first two seasons, including the complete 90-minute pilot. TV promos for each episode are expected to comprise the extras; come on, Sony, you couldn't get these actors to do commentaries?

For everything T.J. HOOKER and more, check out 4Adam30's bitchin' HOOKER site.

Potpourri
Not much to report today, and not much time in which to do it, but I imagine I'll be too busy to post much over the weekend. Tolemite is coming to town tonight for a weekend of eating meat, drinking frosty Red Can, slurping Pop-Ice, and watching Crappy Movies. We're also planning to hit my company's picnic tomorrow, party with the Cohens' foosball table Saturday night, and plow our way through the dusty Gordyville flea market on Sunday. Doesn't leave me much time to scope women; maybe Cheeseburger and Shark Hunter can lure some over to the mighty grilling-and-foosball bash.

I have just about finished Season Two of THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO. Considering I haven't seen most of these episodes in more than 20 years, I'm surprised how familiar they seem. I guess they affected my young self more than I considered. I'm also relieved to see that, not only do they hold up all these years later (so many shows I liked as a kid positively suck now, i.e. CHARLIE'S ANGELS and WELCOME BACK, KOTTER), but they remain fairly consistent in quality. There are one or two clunkers in the second season, but for the most part, the shows are remarkably likable, and the second half of the season found the cast clicking together better than ever. I have only two more episodes to watch. One I recall vividly because of its catchy coming-attractions teaser ("Who? Woo? Woo. Woo who?") that won't be on the disc. The other was written and directed by costar Robert Culp, and is a remarkably mature, offbeat examination of his hard-bitten FBI character.

Culp was an interesting director who, unfortunately, didn't do enough of it. If you pick up Volumes 20 and 21 of Image's I SPY DVD collection, you'll hear some wonderfully complete and candid audio commentary tracks by Culp over the episodes that he wrote and sometimes directed. They're not only a nifty lesson in writing and directing television episodes, particularly shows that break the series' regular format, but also an excellent history lesson about I SPY--its genesis, casting, locations, production schedule and Culp's relationship with costar Bill Cosby.

Culp made only one feature as a director, 1972's HICKEY & BOGGS, which was released by United Artists, a studio known at one time for being artist-friendly. HICKEY is an interesting attempt at film noir reuniting Culp and Cosby as down-and-out private eyes looking for a missing girl and $400,000 from a botched bank robbery. The screenplay by Walter Hill (later a renowned director of terrific action films like THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS. and EXTREME PREJUDICE) is confusing and disjointed, but there's some good use of grotty Los Angeles locations, and Culp handles the action sequences well. The emphasis is on the squalid dicks portrayed by Culp and Cosby, very nihilistic losers trying to make a buck, and the atmosphere of a dusty Los Angeles out to kick the ass of a hopeful future, but the violence quotient is high for a PG features, including exciting shootouts in the L.A. Coliseum and the Dodger Stadium parking lot. Culp and Cosby eschew their familiar hip, wisecracking I SPY personas for seedier personalities, but the chemistry between them still remains. I doubt if this was a box-office hit during its original release--I SPY fans probably found it too downbeat--and it isn't easy to find today (this needs a legit DVD release badly), but fans of the private eye genre should keep an eye out for this one. Young Michael Moriarty and James Woods appear in small roles, and other familar supporting faces belong to Robert Mandan, Jack Colvin, Ed Lauter, Bill Hickman, Roger E. Mosley, Lou Frizzell and Isabel Sanford.

Trim And Stylish...Hell, Yeah!

I have to thank my friend Robert Richardson for sending me one of the funniest images I have seen in a long time. Man, I sure wish I had some of them karate pants. As Robert says:

"I don't know about you, but when I'm kicking the ass of faceless ninjas and karate wannabees in some dingy back alley, it always embarasses me to tears when the crotch of my jeans goes rrrrrrrriiiiiippppp due to lack of reinforcement."

I also Love the copywriter's Odd Approach to capitalizing Random words in The Sell copy.

It Makes Me Stupid And You A Whore
Now Playing: THE OCTAGON

Yesterday, we looked at FORCED VENGEANCE. Today, we check out another early Chuck Norris movie, his fourth starring role: 1980’s THE OCTAGON, produced and released by an independent studio called American Cinema, which also made GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK and A FORCE OF ONE with Chuck. Even though I didn’t see it until it played on HBO in the early 1980’s, THE OCTAGON is the first Norris film that I remember wanting to see. American Cinema was noted for saturating television and radio airwaves where their films were playing with advertisements, and I clearly recall seeing trailers for THE OCTAGON and wanting to see it. Unfortunately, my parents had a policy against taking my younger brother and me to R-rated movies, so I had to wait until late-night pay cable telecasts to finally see it.

Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts superstar who retired from competition after seriously injuring an opponent. Now he just works out and hangs around the site of the latest big match with his karate pal A.J. (Canadian Art Hindle, who’s got the feathered hair thing going big time). Trying to describe THE OCTAGON’s plot is pretty tricky, since it doesn’t make too much sense, and scripter Leigh Chapman (DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY) throws in too many scenes that have no purpose. For example, Hindle is having a conversation on the street with another competitor (played by a pre-GHOSTBUSTERS Ernie Hudson). He seems a bit distracted, and finally cuts off Hudson to dash across the street, presumably to meet or follow someone. We never find out who. There’s also a scene in a cocktail lounge that begins with nearly a minute of some drunk whining about having no peanuts. I presume the actor playing the drunk was related to one of the moviemakers, since the character, dialogue and scene itself serve no function whatsoever. Borscht Belt comic Jack Carter also appears in two scenes as some character--I’m not sure who--trying to convince Norris to get back into the ring. Even though the scenes take place on different days, Carter is wearing the exact same outfit in both. It’s possible some things were left on the cutting room floor, since Dann Cahn’s editing is choppy all the way through.

Anyway, Scott and A.J. attend a dance recital, and Scott, after meeting the lead dancer (pretty Kim Lankford, then a regular on KNOTS LANDING) backstage, asks her to dinner. His plans for romance are foiled after he takes her back to her place, only to discover that an army of ninja have slaughtered her entire family. During Scott’s battle with them, the dancer too dies. The next day, he meets sexy heiress Justine (Karen Carlson from THE STUDENT NURSES), who tries to trick him into hiring on as an assassin. She wants to murder a man named Seikura, whom she believes murdered her father. Scott knows Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita) well; they grew up together in Japan as brothers, but Seikura was forced to leave after shaming their father.

There’s much more going on in director Eric Karson’s film, including a secret training base for ninja assassins run by Seikura in Central America; a crusty old mercenary with a hoop earring played by B-movie vet Lee Van Cleef (who later played a ninja in the NBC TV series THE MASTER); and the “octagon” itself, which is never referred to by name and, despite giving the film its title, is never explained or showcased very well. It’s actually an impressive set--an eight-sided obstacle course filled with blade-wielding ninja who leap out of every corner and behind every barrier. Norris’ climactic tangle in the octagon is the best scene in the movie, even if you hardly understand the plot to that point. No kidding--I’ve seen THE OCTAGON five or six times, and even by concentrating on following the story, I’m still not clear on several plot point. It’s possible Karson (OPPOSING FORCE) was aware of his story’s pitfalls, since he in no way skimps on the action, throwing in several well-choreographed (by Chuck and his brother Aaron) karate battles along with a few explosions, a car chase, some bullets and even a burning man. It’s still hard to take seriously, though, because of the film’s gimmick of illustrating what’s going through its hero’s head by having Chuck dub his thoughts in a low whisper and playing them back with a laughable echo effect (“Seikura-ah-ah-ah...why-why-why-why? My brother-er-er-er-er.”). It’s perfect for the OCTAGON drinking game though--just pound one every time you hear Chuck’s thoughts on the soundtrack.

THE OCTAGON isn’t one of Norris’ best films, but it isn’t boring, contains a cool score by Richard Halligan, and is a reminder of what unassuming fun exploitation flicks used to be. The supporting cast includes Carol Bagdasarian, whose father Ross, better known as “David Seville”, created the Chipmunks, Australian martial artist Richard Norton, who actually plays two roles, but is covered from head to toe in ninja wear in one of them, Brian Libby, who next played a zombie in the Norris film SILENT RAGE, and Chuck’s son Mike as teenage Chuck in a flashback.

One other point of interest is screenwriter Leigh Chapman, who began her Hollywood career as an actress, playing supporting roles as “The Girl” in ‘60s television shows like THE MONKEES and THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., and supplemented her income by writing action/adventure scripts for MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and THE WILD, WILD WEST. In the ‘70s, she wrote OCTAMAN, an awful homage to CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON; DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY, a bonafide drive-in classic starring Peter Fonda (and coming to DVD this summer from Anchor Bay); and STEEL, a rugged adventure starring Lee Majors as the leader of a motley crew of construction workers. I wonder how many other kung fu movies have been written by women.

My Best Hat. Shit.
Now Playing: FORCED VENGEANCE

Once upon a time, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer was arguably the most prestigious film studio in Hollywood. By 1981, MGM was producing and distributing Chuck Norris movies. Hey, there are those of us who don’t consider that a big step down. Norris was a very busy star in those days; SILENT RAGE from Columbia, an interesting hybrid of martial-arts action and mad-scientist horror, came out just three months before FORCED VENGEANCE saturated theaters in the summer of 1982.

Norris, playing his seventh leading role in five years, stars as Josh Randall, a Vietnam vet and troubleshooter for the Lucky Dragon casino in Hong Kong. Randall isn’t just an employee of the Dragon’s owners, elderly Sam Paschal (David Opatoshu) and Sam’s half-Jewish/half-Chinese son David (Frank Michael Liu), but an unofficial member of the Paschal family. So when a local mobster named Stan Rahmandi (Michael Cavanaugh, still a familiar face on TV and in DTV features) murders the Paschals for refusing to sell him their business, it ain’t like if your boss or mine got killed. Randall is really steamed, especially since the local fuzz want to frame him for the killings. With his girlfriend Claire (Mary Louise Weller) and party girl Joy Paschal (Camila Griggs), now the sole owner of the Lucky Dragon and Rahmandi’s next target, in tow, Josh bounces around Hong Kong with a price on his head, dodging bullets, nunchakus, knives and flying feet from every two-bit street hood and hitman wannabe in the city.

James Fargo, who cut his teeth on a couple of Clint Eastwood hits (THE ENFORCER and EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE), directed FORCED VENGEANCE in Hong Kong at a reasonable clip. Given that Franklin Thompson’s screenplay drags a bit in the middle and Norris’ obvious liabilities as a leading man, the 90-minute R-rated feature comes across very professionally. Rexford Metz’s camera captures Hong Kong very well indeed, and William Goldstein’s score provides period flavor without lapsing too far into cliched “Asian-style” music. The subject matter is surprisingly rough for a Norris film, presenting a pair of rapes, a couple of somewhat grisly deaths, and a horrible broken-back injury resulting in paralysis. To compensate, Thompson sprinkles a few one-liners into the script, which are not spoken by Norris with the kind of comic timing that will remind you of Henny Youngman, but do lighten the load a bit. Adding some unintentional laughs is the spotty narration, which allows us to “read” Chuck’s thoughts occasionally (“Asshole.”). It isn’t as funny as the freaky whispering, echoing narration in THE OCTAGON (“My brother…brother…brother…”), but it is less necessary.

Norris was just about to hit his peak as a major movie star. A year later, Orion released what I believe to be his best film, LONE WOLF MCQUADE, and a year after that, in 1984, Chuck began an exclusive contract with Cannon that produced his best-remembered action pictures like MISSING IN ACTION and THE DELTA FORCE. His two Orion films--MCQUADE and the tough Chicago policier CODE OF SILENCE--are the best in his filmography, but the jingoistic Cannon cheapies seem to be the ones most commonly referenced today. I have a soft spot, though, for the early Norris works. His American Cinema “trilogy” found him battling sinister CIA operatives (GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK), a super-karate serial killer (A FORCE OF ONE) and an army of ninja running a training camp for terrorists (THE OCTAGON). In Avco-Embassy’s AN EYE FOR AN EYE, he fought druglord Christopher Lee’s army in a Bondian climax, and an indestructible serial-killing zombie (!) was his foe in SILENT RAGE--certainly a more interesting mix than the Commies and terrorists Chuck tackled in his Cannon days.

But whomever he puts the smack on, you can always count on Norris to deliver a good time. My memories of FORCED VENGEANCE are of watching it a dozen times on HBO, usually late at night with my brother and our friends. Now I can see it as many times as I want--and in its original 1.85:1 ratio--on Warner Home Video’s new DVD. The mono soundtrack isn’t going to blow out your speakers, and the colorful anamorphic image isn’t going to evoke the cinematography of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, but they’re perfectly fine for a 23-year-old Chuck Norris chopsocky flick. The only extra is a theatrical trailer, which is efficient, but lacks the menace that Ernie Anderson’s voiceover brought to Chuck’s A FORCE OF ONE, which is kind of a dog of a film, but has a promising trailer.

Believe It Or Not, I?m Walking On Air
Now Playing: THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO

I’ve been having a great time with Anchor Bay’s season sets of THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO. I was an eighth-grader when it debuted on ABC in the spring of 1981, and it didn’t take long for it to become one of my favorite TV shows. Of course, 13 is a pretty good age to start watching the show, especially since I was also a fan of superheroes and of GAH creator Stephen J. Cannell’s particular style of action/adventure.

Cannell, along with TV veteran Roy Huggins, created THE ROCKFORD FILES, which was the first Cannell show that I remember watching. Obviously, its star, the wonderful James Garner, was the heart and soul of the series, to this day the best private eye series in television history. But Garner or not, ROCKFORD couldn’t have been as great as it was without its scripts, which focused more on character and dialogue and less on plot than most TV crime dramas did. You can usually tell a Cannell show just by listening to the characters speak. Very few television writers have such a unique ear for interesting dialogue (David Milch, who oversaw NYPD BLUE during its heyday and later created DEADWOOD, is one working today), and Cannell’s is one reason for his overwhelming success as a producer of television programs during the 1970’s and ‘80s. Other Cannell shows you likely remember are THE A-TEAM, HUNTER and 21 JUMP STREET, but even some of his failures were damn good shows: TENSPEED AND BROWN SHOE (which starred Ben Vereen and Jeff Goldblum as detectives), RICHIE BROCKELMAN, PRIVATE EYE (a ROCKFORD spinoff starring Dennis Dugan), UNSUB (a C.S.I.-like procedural that was about a decade ahead of its time), WISEGUY (a highly acclaimed drama about Ken Wahl as an undercover organized crime operative) and STINGRAY (an adventure with Nick Mancuso).

When ABC decided they wanted to do a series about a superhero, Cannell would seem to have been the perfect go-to guy. Except Cannell didn’t know anything about superheroes and had never been a comic-book reader. So he had the idea to do a show about a superhero who wasn’t particularly good at it. He couldn’t fly very well, didn’t know how to use his powers (or even what they were), but still managed to stop the bad guys using his ingenuity. Cannell wrote the two-hour pilot episode himself, and recruited writer Frank Lupo and much of his ROCKFORD FILES staff, including producers Juanita Bartlett and Jo Swerling, Jr. and composers Mike Post and Pete Carpenter to help lay the ground work for the series.

Cannell’s pilot, which was later nominated for an Emmy award for Best Writing in a Comedy Series, sprang from a “what if”. What if a nice-guy, slightly liberal high-school teacher and a hard-nosed, Commie-hating FBI agent became reluctant partners in crime-fighting, because they were abducted by alien beings in a flying saucer and given “red jammies” that imbued its wearer with superpowers like invulnerability, telekinesis and the ability to fly? The genius of Cannell’s premise is that he took it a step further. Now say that the teacher, named Ralph Hinkley, lost the instruction booklet and didn’t know how to use the suit. Whereas most superheroes were larger-than-life beings, the “Greatest American Hero” was just a regular guy--not wealthy, not overbearingly handsome, not overly brave or macho. Just a regular guy thrust into an extraordinary situation, one that he had to try to take control of for the good of mankind.

The pilot pitted Ralph and his new unlikely partner, the FBI agent (called Bill Maxwell), against a group of white supremacists planning an assassination, but the story takes second place to setting up the characters and their relationships. The third point of GAH’s magic triangle was Pam Davidson, a beautiful, smart attorney who was handling Ralph’s divorce and also happened to be his girlfriend. She was in love with Ralph, but not so enamored of the suit, realizing right away that it--and Ralph’s new extracurricular vocation--would put a crimp in their relationship. She and Ralph were not too thrilled with Maxwell either, since he stood far apart from them in age, patience and politics. By the end of the pilot, the three have begun to accept their fate, that--for some unknown reason--they were chosen by the “green guys” to do good things, and their friendship is born.

I believe that casting is 70% of any successful television series, and that’s the department where Cannell definitely got GAH right. The pilot starred curly-haired blond William Katt in the title role of Ralph Hinkley. Katt, whose big break was probably as Sissy Spacek’s prom date in CARRIE, was being groomed as the next Redford when he played opposite Tom Berenger in BUTCH & SUNDANCE: THE EARLY DAYS. That film flopped, and Katt turned to TV, even though it was a role in which he would have to run around in goofy-looking tights and a cape, a costume he despised. Pam was Connie Sellecca, a gorgeous brunette who had been a regular on the short-lived FLYING HIGH and BEYOND WESTWORLD. Her eye-candy quotient was obvious, but it came as a nice surprise to Cannell when he found that she was also a good actress and could play comedy quite well. The icing on the cake was longtime leading man Robert Culp, whose first television series was the ‘50s western TRACKDOWN, but became an international star during the mid-’60s opposite Bill Cosby on I SPY, which earned Culp three consecutive Emmy nominations as Best Actor in a Dramatic Series (ironically, he lost all three times to neophyte actor Cosby, who received much advice from his more experienced co-lead). Culp remained a very busy actor after I SPY, playing guest shots on nearly every network series, it seemed, and playing supporting roles and leads in features and TV-movies.

According to Katt, he and Sellecca initially did not get along with the more serious-minded Culp, but after the two men sat down together and hashed out their differences, relations warmed up. Whatever their relationship off-screen, in front of the cameras, the three stars worked together like a well-oiled machine. The chemistry and camaraderie among the characters was warm and real. Like Jim Rockford, like Hannibal Smith and his A-Team, like Sonny Spoon, like the JUMP STREET kids, Ralph, Pam and Bill were people you liked, who you wanted to root for. And that, above and beyond the action and special effects, is what made THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO a smash hit. In those days of just three networks, it wasn’t enough just to be popular with a particular demographic; you had to appeal to everybody. The kids liked the superheroics and the slapstick comedy of Ralph falling out of the sky, while their parents enjoyed the characterization and the zippy dialogue. Culp especially must have enjoyed the words Cannell’s writing staff put into his mouth, because he recited it so well, whether referring to a big-boned heavy as a “big bag o’ gristle” or urging Ralph to stop jabbering because “it’s makin’ my eyes water here.”

THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO was a hit right out of the box, tying ONE DAY AT A TIME for 12th place in the yearly Nielsen ratings and scoring a #2 hit in BILLBOARD with the theme song, “Believe It Or Not”, penned by Post and Stephen Geyer and sung by Joey Scarbury. It dropped out of the Top 20 in its second season, though, and was moved to a disastrous Friday night timeslot, where it was hammered opposite DALLAS and KNIGHT RIDER. It was seen infrequently in syndication, since there were only 42 hour-long episodes. But now, thanks to Anchor Bay, you can see the first two seasons, uncut, on DVD (with Season Three coming later this year).

What worked about the series works even better on DVD, now that you can see the completed episodes without syndication cuts (but with, unfortunately, replacement music for songs that were not licensed for home video release; this includes Scarbury’s essential cover of “Eve of Destruction” in the episode “Operation: Spoilsport”). The downside is that the visual effects, particularly the flying, look even worse than they did in 1981. In order to shoot the visual effects quickly and cheaply, Cannell hired a company called Magicam, which shot the flying scenes on videotape and then transferred the finished composite footage to film. They weren’t convincing to my 14-year-old eyes, and today they appear amateurish and grainy. The physical effects--mostly Ralph falling out of the sky or stopping moving cars or tossing bad guys through the air--hold up pretty well, thanks to ace stunt coordinator Dennis Madalone. But the rough stuff isn’t what will keep you interested as you look at the series through contemporary eyes. What does trip your trigger are the characters, how they react to each other, and how they react to extraordinary and often life-threatening events. That they love each other, despite their differences, is certain. That you’ll love watching them is equally certain.

Trailer Trash
Now Playing: DAVE
Before the 7:45pm showing of THE LONGEST YARD at the Beverly Cinemas last night, we were subjected to 19 (!) minutes of commercials. That's right--19! Meaning the 7:45pm show didn't actually begin until 8:04pm. 19 minutes is fucking ridiculous. And, yes, I count trailers as commercials. A trailer is a commercial. It's somebody trying to sell you a product you don't want. And believe me--most of these trailers were for movies nobody wants.

Before I get started...I haven't watched FRIENDS in years. When the hell did Courteney Cox buy her new boobs? Good Christ, I couldn't concentrate on the first ten minutes of the movie, I was so mesmerized by her new cleavage. I think it's too late in her career to help her, but I was glad for the glimpse I got.

Now on to the seven trailers I endured last night:

THE ISLAND--I saw this movie when it was called LOGAN'S RUN. It's directed by Michael Bay, which likely means it will suck. It has lots of quickly cut CGI effects, which likely means it will suck. It has Scarlett Johansson, who is hot as hell, but not an actress I get particularly jazzed about. Something that made me laugh is a line Ewan McGregor says to Scarlett: "Now do you believe me when I say the island doesn't exist?" Well, dammit, the movie is called THE ISLAND, so there had damn well better be an island! It's not titled MAYBE AN ISLAND, MAYBE NOT.

WAR OF THE WORLDS--I saw this movie when it was called INDEPENDENCE DAY. Tom Cruise blah blah stuff blowing up blah blah more noisy CGI blah blah. When is Spielberg going to make another Indiana Jones movie?

INTO THE BLUE--I saw this movie when it was called THE DEEP. Vapid teenagers go diving for buried treasure and fight insipid bad guys. Paul Walker is in it, which likely means it will suck. Jessica Alba wears lots of bikinis in it. Jessica is the new Denise Richards, probably the worst actress on Hollywood's A-list. But she looks great in a bikini. This movie looks bad.

THE HONEYMOONERS--I saw this when it was called, um, THE HONEYMOONERS. I don't know who the audience is for this. The urban crowd, I suppose. It doesn't seem raucous enough to attract that audience, and since nobody under 40 gives a rat's ass about Jackie Gleason, there isn't even a built-in brand recognition. There aren't any funny gags in the trailer either.

LAND OF THE DEAD--The teaser is still running. I don't know what's keeping Universal from promoting this thing better. 28 DAYS LATER was a smash. The DAWN OF THE DEAD remake was a smash. This George Romero sequel will likely be better than both of those movies. Zombies are hot now, so why doesn't Universal pull its head out of its ass? I may see this when it comes out, but I'll more than likely wait for the unrated DVD. Who wants to see R-rated Romero zombies?

WEDDING CRASHERS--Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn team up for the 49th time. This actually looks funny, and Christopher Walken should be a good foil for the stars.

DARK WATER--This trailer is ridiculous. It's Jennifer Connelly skulking around her apartment, investigating dripping water, puddles of water, water spots on the ceiling. Ooooo...pools of water are sooooo scary! Whoever edited this trailer is a major yutz.

On another subject, I read where the conservative publication HUMAN EVENTS listed the ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th & 20th Century. I find it odd that people with 17th-century attitudes are criticizing books from the 19th and 20th centuries.

Back to movies, since I've been rewatching some of Ivan Reitman's oeuvre, I saw DAVE tonight. It's a very charming little picture about a regular guy (Kevin Kline) who is recruited by the sinister Chief of Staff (Frank Langella) to substitute for the President of the United States after POTUS suffers a debilitating stroke. One of my favorite scenes is the one where Charles Grodin, as Kline's accountant, is summoned by Dave to the White House late at night to balance the budget. Overnight, Dave manages to find an extra $650 million to be used to build homeless shelters. It's a funny scene and a sweet one, but also sort of depressing in that I suspect this really could be done if we had a government that was interested in doing something beyond feeding their own self-interest. Kline has a monologue in which he pledges that the lives of the people should come before his own and that he should be willing to give up everything in order to improve their lives. Obviously, this is not something you would ever hear the current administration say, and I suspect that Langella's portrayal of a selfish, conniving, corrupt senior White House staffer is a more accurate portrayal than Kline's do-gooder. Much to our detriment, of course.

I Wish They Broke His Fucking Neck
Now Playing: The fake LONGEST YARD
Talk about a film almost completely without worth. Not to say that the remake of THE LONGEST YARD, which stars Adam Sandler as Burt Reynolds (snicker), is awful. It's too mediocre to be awful. But if ever a film was unnecessary, it's this one. The problem is that everything that you remember about the original film is re-created here, but not as well.

In 1974, Reynolds starred as Paul Crewe, an ex-NFL quarterback drummed out of the league after a point-shaving scandal and sentenced to a prison term after getting drunk and stealing his girlfriend's car. The same with Crewe in the 2005 version, except now we're expected to buy the diminutive, non-athletic Sandler as a studly womanizing football star who posed for underwear ads. Strangely, Sheldon Turner's screenplay for the new film claims that the allegations against Crewe were never proven, yet he was somehow convicted on federal racketeering charges because of the point-shaving. Either he shaved points or he didn't; Turner tries to have it both ways (we find out for sure later in the film).

Warden Hazen (James Cromwell), who has political intentions, blackmails Crewe (we don't really know why) into putting together a team of convicts to play a practice game against his semipro squad of prison guards. Act II is pretty much THE DIRTY DOZEN, as Sandler assembles his squad of misfits and trains them to be football players. Act III is the big game, and you don't have to have seen the 1974 film to figure out what's going to happen.

Crewe coerced into sleeping with the warden's secretary? Yep, it's here, except it's an embarassing turn by elderly Cloris Leachman as an old perv.

Crewe nailing a referee in the nuts with a pass? Twice? Yep, that's here.

Remember when Richard Kiel clotheslined an opponent, leading to the memorable line, "I think I broke his fucking neck!"? That's here too, except the line is now, "I think he shit himself." Ha. Ha.

Caretaker (Chris Rock in James Hampton's role) getting killed? Yep. The memorable conclusion with the warden shouting at the head guard to kill Crewe? That's here too. Thankfully, the studio gave Tracy Keenan Wynn and Albert S. Ruddy, the original film's writers, a screen credit on the remake, because they certainly did most of the heavy lifting on it.

Other updates include the climactic game being broadcast on ESPN2, as if a national cable network would be interested in a sandlot game, especially one with such great potential for serious violence. Also, the players are too good. The warden sets this up a bit by explaining how he has recruited former college players to work for him as guards, but the level of play on the field is NFL-quality.

Perhaps the new film plays better if you're unfamiliar with the original, which also starred the late Eddie Albert, who coincidentally died the day before the remake opened, as the warden. It's a wonderful performance, made all the meaner by the fact that Albert had not played many heavies up to that point, whereas Cromwell has.

It's kind of surreal to see Reynolds with a major role in the remake; I wonder what it was like for him on the set, watching Sandler go through the same motions he did 30 years earlier. Ed Lauter, who portrayed the violent head guard, Knauer, in the Reynolds film, has a welcome cameo. Rob Schneider, the only major film comedian who's less funny than Adam Sandler, has an unwelcome one.

An Ancient Horror Slept Beneath The Old Haunted Mansion... Nothing Could Stop Its Escape!
Now Playing: THE EVIL

Someone should interview Gus Trikonis one of these days. Not only is he a former actor and dancer (WEST SIDE STORY) who once was married to Goldie Hawn, but he also made a mark of sorts in the 1970’s as a director of solid exploitation movies in a variety of genres. MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 fans may recognize Gus as the director of THE SIDEHACKERS. I haven’t seen SUPERCOCK (!), his reunion with SIDEHACKERS star Ross Hagen as a cockfighter in the Philippines, but I have seen the rest of his theatrical oeuvre:

* THE SWINGING BARMAIDS with cop William Smith chasing an impotent serial killer who’s knocking off the sexy waitresses of a dumpy bar.
* NASHVILLE GIRL, a sexy soap about young farm girl Monica Gayle’s efforts at becoming a country-western star.
* THE STUDENT BODY, as college professor Warren Stevens performs sexual experiments on hot college girls.
* MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS, a fast-drivin’ good-ol’-boy car-chase flick with a classic trash cast including John Saxon, William Conrad (CANNON), Claudia Jennings, Maureen McCormick (THE BRADY BUNCH), Susan Howard (DALLAS) and Candice Rialson (CHATTERBOX).

And now 1978's THE EVIL, one of Trikonis’ last feature films before entering a busy career in television. Released by Roger Corman’s New World Pictures in 1978 with an R rating, THE EVIL is a somewhat hokey haunted-house movie with ethereal spirits, floating people and objects, a thunderstorm, shutters that rattle in the night, a demonic dog, an invisible rapist and other tried-and-true ghost-story gimmicks. It also piles up a decent body count using a cast of performers who should be quite familiar to fans of Crappy Movies.

The late Richard Crenna, a dependable journeyman leading man who moved back and forth between television and features with aplomb and who starred in the laugh-tastic DEVIL DOG: THE HOUND OF HELL the same year, toplines as C.J. Arnold, a professor of psychology who rents a spooky old mansion as the site for his new drug rehabilitation center. In reality, Trikonis and producer Ed Carlin secured as their prime location a gorgeous 19th-century structure near Las Vegas, New Mexico called Montezuma Castle. It’s gigantic, dark and creepy, giving Trikonis plenty of atmosphere to work with.

The place needs to be cleaned up, so C.J., along with his gorgeous wife Caroline (Joanna Pettet), recruits a small group of friends and students to spend the summer getting the place ready for business: physicist Raymond Guy (Andrew Prine, recently in the C.S.I. episode directed by Quentin Tarantino) and his student/girlfriend Laurie (Mary Louise Weller, ANIMAL HOUSE); ex-junkie Felicia (Lynne Moody, one of the innocents sent to Robert Reed’s corrupt prison in NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY); pet lover Mary (Cassie Yates, THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND), joker Pete (George O’Hanlon Jr., whose father was the voice of George Jetson); and handyman Dwight (Robert Viharo, star of BARE KNUCKLES).

Danger erupts almost immediately…well, even before that, as a drunken handyman is incinerated by the furnace during the opening titles. After Crenna’s group arrives, all Hell--literally--breaks loose after C.J. accidentally unlocks a Doorway to Hell (where’s Lin Ye Tang when you need him) hidden in the basement. The doors and shutters lock, the window glass becomes unbreakable, and there’s no way out of the house. While agnostic C.J. tries to figure out a logical explanation for everything, various characters are murdered in creative ways--dog attack, electrocution, power saw, mud. Felicia is stripped to her underwear and battered about by an unseen force. Only Caroline has something resembling a clue, since she’s the only one who can see the ghost of the house’s previous resident as he shambles about.

Eventually, the Arnolds are the only ones left and end up in the fog-filled basement pit, where they encounter none other than Satan himself, dressed in white and sitting atop a white throne in a white room (no black curtains) brimming with dry ice. You might be surprised to learn that the Devil is fat and looks a lot like Victor Buono. Reportedly, some prints of THE EVIL are missing all Buono’s scenes, meaning, I guess, that Crenna and Pettet are able to slam the door to Hell and lock it without much of a hitch. It’s true that the climax is a little silly, with Crenna forced to his knees in pain and Pettet leaping out of the fog to jam a pointy iron cross into the chest of a horned Buono, but, gee, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?

Who Likes Naked Kickboxing Chicks?
Now Playing: ANGELFIST and ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
Leave it to Roger Corman to stick with a formula that works. Nearly 20 years after hot naked kickfighter Jeanne Bell sought revenge in the Philippines in TNT JACKSON and more than a decade after Jillian Kesner did the same in FIRECRACKER, executive producer Corman and director Cirio H. Santiago trotted out exotic covergirl Catya Sassoon in 1993’s ANGELFIST, which also includes elements of BLOODFIST and BLOODSPORT. Once you've seen Cat's gleaming wet body opening a can of naked whupass on a trio of Filipino ninja, it's doubtful you'll ever forget it. Armed with strangely masculine features, sofa-pillow lips and a pair of stand-up-straight breasts courtesy of one of Beverly Hills' finest cosmetic surgeons, "world karate champion" (after seeing her in action, I think it's safe to assume that her title is typical Corman B.S.) Sassoon stands front and center in this cheapjack made-in-Manila melodrama.

Cat is Katana Lang, a tough Los Angeles detective first seen storming a cheap motel to mow down some crooks who have just machine-gunned a bunch of cops outside. You'll be amazed at how many Filipino cops and hoods there are in L.A. That night, she gets the word that her kickboxing sister Kristie, who was moonlighting as an undercover FBI agent, snapping photos of a fatal ninja attack upon a prominent American politician, was slashed to death in her hotel room. Kristie was ostensibly in Manila to compete in an all-female martial-arts tournament. When Kat arrives in Manila to investigate her sister's murder and is stonewalled by U.S. embassy officials, she takes Kristie's place in the tournament, unreasonably (but correctly) assuming that the death must be somehow connected to the tournament. She also shacks up with Alcatraz, an annoyingly smug gambler who somehow manages to lure Kat to his bachelor pad and his bed.

ANGELFIST is stupid and crudely made, but it certainly isn't boring. Santiago certainly doesn't believe in shooting many takes (his attempt at using optical zooms to provide instant coverage for a dialogue scene between Alcatraz and Katana is painful), but at least he stages plenty of fight scenes. Sassoon's topless karate scene (in which it appears Kat must have been showering in her panties) is the highlight--how could it not be?--but several other action scenes, usually involving the breakage of cheap wooden furniture, keep the pace moving. And when women martial artists aren't bashing each other in the ring or Filipino ninjas leaping into battle with one of the film's stars, Santiago alleviates the silly plot with plenty of gratuitous nudity, including three different shower scenes, two of which feature statuesque blonde Moore as the kickboxing FBI agent sister's kickboxing FBI agent partner.

Cat Sassoon, the daughter of Vidal Sassoon and ‘60s actress Beverly Adams, died of heart failure the morning of January 1, 2002 at the age of 33. At least she lived long enough to presumably see Maria Ford remake ANGELFIST as ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION, which also manages to ripoff two Roger Corman movies; in addition to ANGELFIST, ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION is a step-by-step remake of a Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie called BLACKBELT, which was a ripoff of THE BODYGUARD. I don’t know how Corman manages to keep all these ripoffs straight. The best way to remember 1994’s ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION is that it’s the one with Maria Ford performing the topless karate fighting.

Ford, a very cute blonde who played strippers in a ton of erotic thrillers during the 1990’s, is stripper-turned-cop (just like Marg Helgenberger on C.S.I.!) Jo Alwood, who takes a job protecting rock star Delilah from a freaky stalker who confuses the sexy singer with his mother, with whom he had an incestuous relationship. Meanwhile, Delilah's mobster backer wants her to re-up her contract, and resorts to violence in an effort to force her. Jo signed on for one job and ends up fighting two baddies simultaneously. What a coincidence.

Originally Charlie Spradling was signed to star in this New Horizons action flick, but when she balked at performing the eagerly anticipated (by me anyway) naked kickboxing fight, Corman reportedly dumped her, sent Ford over to Manila (filling in unconvincingly as Honolulu), and ordered the director to rewrite the script to kill off Charlie's character and introduce Ford as her sister. Some of the dialogue and camera setups are even taken verbatim from BLACKBELT, which, obviously, didn't have the advantage of Maria Ford's amazing naked kickboxing skills, as she bounces around a house wearing nothing but a G-string and rouge on her nipples and beating the crap out of an army of trained hoods. And despite her character's determination to never strip again, this professional law enforcer doesn't hesitate to step out onto a stage and perform an intricately choreographed striptease in order to save the life of a hostage (how and why this happens aren't addressed, but we know it's to provide Ford with yet another nude scene).

Although Corman claims to have retired from filmmaking and has put his massive Concorde/New Horizons library up for sale, I can’t help but hope he’s got one more Naked Karate movie left in him. After all, four isn’t nearly enough.