It Makes Me Stupid And You A Whore
Now Playing: THE OCTAGON

Yesterday, we looked at FORCED VENGEANCE. Today, we check out another early Chuck Norris movie, his fourth starring role: 1980’s THE OCTAGON, produced and released by an independent studio called American Cinema, which also made GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK and A FORCE OF ONE with Chuck. Even though I didn’t see it until it played on HBO in the early 1980’s, THE OCTAGON is the first Norris film that I remember wanting to see. American Cinema was noted for saturating television and radio airwaves where their films were playing with advertisements, and I clearly recall seeing trailers for THE OCTAGON and wanting to see it. Unfortunately, my parents had a policy against taking my younger brother and me to R-rated movies, so I had to wait until late-night pay cable telecasts to finally see it.

Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts superstar who retired from competition after seriously injuring an opponent. Now he just works out and hangs around the site of the latest big match with his karate pal A.J. (Canadian Art Hindle, who’s got the feathered hair thing going big time). Trying to describe THE OCTAGON’s plot is pretty tricky, since it doesn’t make too much sense, and scripter Leigh Chapman (DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY) throws in too many scenes that have no purpose. For example, Hindle is having a conversation on the street with another competitor (played by a pre-GHOSTBUSTERS Ernie Hudson). He seems a bit distracted, and finally cuts off Hudson to dash across the street, presumably to meet or follow someone. We never find out who. There’s also a scene in a cocktail lounge that begins with nearly a minute of some drunk whining about having no peanuts. I presume the actor playing the drunk was related to one of the moviemakers, since the character, dialogue and scene itself serve no function whatsoever. Borscht Belt comic Jack Carter also appears in two scenes as some character--I’m not sure who--trying to convince Norris to get back into the ring. Even though the scenes take place on different days, Carter is wearing the exact same outfit in both. It’s possible some things were left on the cutting room floor, since Dann Cahn’s editing is choppy all the way through.

Anyway, Scott and A.J. attend a dance recital, and Scott, after meeting the lead dancer (pretty Kim Lankford, then a regular on KNOTS LANDING) backstage, asks her to dinner. His plans for romance are foiled after he takes her back to her place, only to discover that an army of ninja have slaughtered her entire family. During Scott’s battle with them, the dancer too dies. The next day, he meets sexy heiress Justine (Karen Carlson from THE STUDENT NURSES), who tries to trick him into hiring on as an assassin. She wants to murder a man named Seikura, whom she believes murdered her father. Scott knows Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita) well; they grew up together in Japan as brothers, but Seikura was forced to leave after shaming their father.

There’s much more going on in director Eric Karson’s film, including a secret training base for ninja assassins run by Seikura in Central America; a crusty old mercenary with a hoop earring played by B-movie vet Lee Van Cleef (who later played a ninja in the NBC TV series THE MASTER); and the “octagon” itself, which is never referred to by name and, despite giving the film its title, is never explained or showcased very well. It’s actually an impressive set--an eight-sided obstacle course filled with blade-wielding ninja who leap out of every corner and behind every barrier. Norris’ climactic tangle in the octagon is the best scene in the movie, even if you hardly understand the plot to that point. No kidding--I’ve seen THE OCTAGON five or six times, and even by concentrating on following the story, I’m still not clear on several plot point. It’s possible Karson (OPPOSING FORCE) was aware of his story’s pitfalls, since he in no way skimps on the action, throwing in several well-choreographed (by Chuck and his brother Aaron) karate battles along with a few explosions, a car chase, some bullets and even a burning man. It’s still hard to take seriously, though, because of the film’s gimmick of illustrating what’s going through its hero’s head by having Chuck dub his thoughts in a low whisper and playing them back with a laughable echo effect (“Seikura-ah-ah-ah...why-why-why-why? My brother-er-er-er-er.”). It’s perfect for the OCTAGON drinking game though--just pound one every time you hear Chuck’s thoughts on the soundtrack.

THE OCTAGON isn’t one of Norris’ best films, but it isn’t boring, contains a cool score by Richard Halligan, and is a reminder of what unassuming fun exploitation flicks used to be. The supporting cast includes Carol Bagdasarian, whose father Ross, better known as “David Seville”, created the Chipmunks, Australian martial artist Richard Norton, who actually plays two roles, but is covered from head to toe in ninja wear in one of them, Brian Libby, who next played a zombie in the Norris film SILENT RAGE, and Chuck’s son Mike as teenage Chuck in a flashback.

One other point of interest is screenwriter Leigh Chapman, who began her Hollywood career as an actress, playing supporting roles as “The Girl” in ‘60s television shows like THE MONKEES and THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., and supplemented her income by writing action/adventure scripts for MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and THE WILD, WILD WEST. In the ‘70s, she wrote OCTAMAN, an awful homage to CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON; DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY, a bonafide drive-in classic starring Peter Fonda (and coming to DVD this summer from Anchor Bay); and STEEL, a rugged adventure starring Lee Majors as the leader of a motley crew of construction workers. I wonder how many other kung fu movies have been written by women.

My Best Hat. Shit.
Now Playing: FORCED VENGEANCE

Once upon a time, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer was arguably the most prestigious film studio in Hollywood. By 1981, MGM was producing and distributing Chuck Norris movies. Hey, there are those of us who don’t consider that a big step down. Norris was a very busy star in those days; SILENT RAGE from Columbia, an interesting hybrid of martial-arts action and mad-scientist horror, came out just three months before FORCED VENGEANCE saturated theaters in the summer of 1982.

Norris, playing his seventh leading role in five years, stars as Josh Randall, a Vietnam vet and troubleshooter for the Lucky Dragon casino in Hong Kong. Randall isn’t just an employee of the Dragon’s owners, elderly Sam Paschal (David Opatoshu) and Sam’s half-Jewish/half-Chinese son David (Frank Michael Liu), but an unofficial member of the Paschal family. So when a local mobster named Stan Rahmandi (Michael Cavanaugh, still a familiar face on TV and in DTV features) murders the Paschals for refusing to sell him their business, it ain’t like if your boss or mine got killed. Randall is really steamed, especially since the local fuzz want to frame him for the killings. With his girlfriend Claire (Mary Louise Weller) and party girl Joy Paschal (Camila Griggs), now the sole owner of the Lucky Dragon and Rahmandi’s next target, in tow, Josh bounces around Hong Kong with a price on his head, dodging bullets, nunchakus, knives and flying feet from every two-bit street hood and hitman wannabe in the city.

James Fargo, who cut his teeth on a couple of Clint Eastwood hits (THE ENFORCER and EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE), directed FORCED VENGEANCE in Hong Kong at a reasonable clip. Given that Franklin Thompson’s screenplay drags a bit in the middle and Norris’ obvious liabilities as a leading man, the 90-minute R-rated feature comes across very professionally. Rexford Metz’s camera captures Hong Kong very well indeed, and William Goldstein’s score provides period flavor without lapsing too far into cliched “Asian-style” music. The subject matter is surprisingly rough for a Norris film, presenting a pair of rapes, a couple of somewhat grisly deaths, and a horrible broken-back injury resulting in paralysis. To compensate, Thompson sprinkles a few one-liners into the script, which are not spoken by Norris with the kind of comic timing that will remind you of Henny Youngman, but do lighten the load a bit. Adding some unintentional laughs is the spotty narration, which allows us to “read” Chuck’s thoughts occasionally (“Asshole.”). It isn’t as funny as the freaky whispering, echoing narration in THE OCTAGON (“My brother…brother…brother…”), but it is less necessary.

Norris was just about to hit his peak as a major movie star. A year later, Orion released what I believe to be his best film, LONE WOLF MCQUADE, and a year after that, in 1984, Chuck began an exclusive contract with Cannon that produced his best-remembered action pictures like MISSING IN ACTION and THE DELTA FORCE. His two Orion films--MCQUADE and the tough Chicago policier CODE OF SILENCE--are the best in his filmography, but the jingoistic Cannon cheapies seem to be the ones most commonly referenced today. I have a soft spot, though, for the early Norris works. His American Cinema “trilogy” found him battling sinister CIA operatives (GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK), a super-karate serial killer (A FORCE OF ONE) and an army of ninja running a training camp for terrorists (THE OCTAGON). In Avco-Embassy’s AN EYE FOR AN EYE, he fought druglord Christopher Lee’s army in a Bondian climax, and an indestructible serial-killing zombie (!) was his foe in SILENT RAGE--certainly a more interesting mix than the Commies and terrorists Chuck tackled in his Cannon days.

But whomever he puts the smack on, you can always count on Norris to deliver a good time. My memories of FORCED VENGEANCE are of watching it a dozen times on HBO, usually late at night with my brother and our friends. Now I can see it as many times as I want--and in its original 1.85:1 ratio--on Warner Home Video’s new DVD. The mono soundtrack isn’t going to blow out your speakers, and the colorful anamorphic image isn’t going to evoke the cinematography of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, but they’re perfectly fine for a 23-year-old Chuck Norris chopsocky flick. The only extra is a theatrical trailer, which is efficient, but lacks the menace that Ernie Anderson’s voiceover brought to Chuck’s A FORCE OF ONE, which is kind of a dog of a film, but has a promising trailer.

Believe It Or Not, I?m Walking On Air
Now Playing: THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO

I’ve been having a great time with Anchor Bay’s season sets of THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO. I was an eighth-grader when it debuted on ABC in the spring of 1981, and it didn’t take long for it to become one of my favorite TV shows. Of course, 13 is a pretty good age to start watching the show, especially since I was also a fan of superheroes and of GAH creator Stephen J. Cannell’s particular style of action/adventure.

Cannell, along with TV veteran Roy Huggins, created THE ROCKFORD FILES, which was the first Cannell show that I remember watching. Obviously, its star, the wonderful James Garner, was the heart and soul of the series, to this day the best private eye series in television history. But Garner or not, ROCKFORD couldn’t have been as great as it was without its scripts, which focused more on character and dialogue and less on plot than most TV crime dramas did. You can usually tell a Cannell show just by listening to the characters speak. Very few television writers have such a unique ear for interesting dialogue (David Milch, who oversaw NYPD BLUE during its heyday and later created DEADWOOD, is one working today), and Cannell’s is one reason for his overwhelming success as a producer of television programs during the 1970’s and ‘80s. Other Cannell shows you likely remember are THE A-TEAM, HUNTER and 21 JUMP STREET, but even some of his failures were damn good shows: TENSPEED AND BROWN SHOE (which starred Ben Vereen and Jeff Goldblum as detectives), RICHIE BROCKELMAN, PRIVATE EYE (a ROCKFORD spinoff starring Dennis Dugan), UNSUB (a C.S.I.-like procedural that was about a decade ahead of its time), WISEGUY (a highly acclaimed drama about Ken Wahl as an undercover organized crime operative) and STINGRAY (an adventure with Nick Mancuso).

When ABC decided they wanted to do a series about a superhero, Cannell would seem to have been the perfect go-to guy. Except Cannell didn’t know anything about superheroes and had never been a comic-book reader. So he had the idea to do a show about a superhero who wasn’t particularly good at it. He couldn’t fly very well, didn’t know how to use his powers (or even what they were), but still managed to stop the bad guys using his ingenuity. Cannell wrote the two-hour pilot episode himself, and recruited writer Frank Lupo and much of his ROCKFORD FILES staff, including producers Juanita Bartlett and Jo Swerling, Jr. and composers Mike Post and Pete Carpenter to help lay the ground work for the series.

Cannell’s pilot, which was later nominated for an Emmy award for Best Writing in a Comedy Series, sprang from a “what if”. What if a nice-guy, slightly liberal high-school teacher and a hard-nosed, Commie-hating FBI agent became reluctant partners in crime-fighting, because they were abducted by alien beings in a flying saucer and given “red jammies” that imbued its wearer with superpowers like invulnerability, telekinesis and the ability to fly? The genius of Cannell’s premise is that he took it a step further. Now say that the teacher, named Ralph Hinkley, lost the instruction booklet and didn’t know how to use the suit. Whereas most superheroes were larger-than-life beings, the “Greatest American Hero” was just a regular guy--not wealthy, not overbearingly handsome, not overly brave or macho. Just a regular guy thrust into an extraordinary situation, one that he had to try to take control of for the good of mankind.

The pilot pitted Ralph and his new unlikely partner, the FBI agent (called Bill Maxwell), against a group of white supremacists planning an assassination, but the story takes second place to setting up the characters and their relationships. The third point of GAH’s magic triangle was Pam Davidson, a beautiful, smart attorney who was handling Ralph’s divorce and also happened to be his girlfriend. She was in love with Ralph, but not so enamored of the suit, realizing right away that it--and Ralph’s new extracurricular vocation--would put a crimp in their relationship. She and Ralph were not too thrilled with Maxwell either, since he stood far apart from them in age, patience and politics. By the end of the pilot, the three have begun to accept their fate, that--for some unknown reason--they were chosen by the “green guys” to do good things, and their friendship is born.

I believe that casting is 70% of any successful television series, and that’s the department where Cannell definitely got GAH right. The pilot starred curly-haired blond William Katt in the title role of Ralph Hinkley. Katt, whose big break was probably as Sissy Spacek’s prom date in CARRIE, was being groomed as the next Redford when he played opposite Tom Berenger in BUTCH & SUNDANCE: THE EARLY DAYS. That film flopped, and Katt turned to TV, even though it was a role in which he would have to run around in goofy-looking tights and a cape, a costume he despised. Pam was Connie Sellecca, a gorgeous brunette who had been a regular on the short-lived FLYING HIGH and BEYOND WESTWORLD. Her eye-candy quotient was obvious, but it came as a nice surprise to Cannell when he found that she was also a good actress and could play comedy quite well. The icing on the cake was longtime leading man Robert Culp, whose first television series was the ‘50s western TRACKDOWN, but became an international star during the mid-’60s opposite Bill Cosby on I SPY, which earned Culp three consecutive Emmy nominations as Best Actor in a Dramatic Series (ironically, he lost all three times to neophyte actor Cosby, who received much advice from his more experienced co-lead). Culp remained a very busy actor after I SPY, playing guest shots on nearly every network series, it seemed, and playing supporting roles and leads in features and TV-movies.

According to Katt, he and Sellecca initially did not get along with the more serious-minded Culp, but after the two men sat down together and hashed out their differences, relations warmed up. Whatever their relationship off-screen, in front of the cameras, the three stars worked together like a well-oiled machine. The chemistry and camaraderie among the characters was warm and real. Like Jim Rockford, like Hannibal Smith and his A-Team, like Sonny Spoon, like the JUMP STREET kids, Ralph, Pam and Bill were people you liked, who you wanted to root for. And that, above and beyond the action and special effects, is what made THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO a smash hit. In those days of just three networks, it wasn’t enough just to be popular with a particular demographic; you had to appeal to everybody. The kids liked the superheroics and the slapstick comedy of Ralph falling out of the sky, while their parents enjoyed the characterization and the zippy dialogue. Culp especially must have enjoyed the words Cannell’s writing staff put into his mouth, because he recited it so well, whether referring to a big-boned heavy as a “big bag o’ gristle” or urging Ralph to stop jabbering because “it’s makin’ my eyes water here.”

THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO was a hit right out of the box, tying ONE DAY AT A TIME for 12th place in the yearly Nielsen ratings and scoring a #2 hit in BILLBOARD with the theme song, “Believe It Or Not”, penned by Post and Stephen Geyer and sung by Joey Scarbury. It dropped out of the Top 20 in its second season, though, and was moved to a disastrous Friday night timeslot, where it was hammered opposite DALLAS and KNIGHT RIDER. It was seen infrequently in syndication, since there were only 42 hour-long episodes. But now, thanks to Anchor Bay, you can see the first two seasons, uncut, on DVD (with Season Three coming later this year).

What worked about the series works even better on DVD, now that you can see the completed episodes without syndication cuts (but with, unfortunately, replacement music for songs that were not licensed for home video release; this includes Scarbury’s essential cover of “Eve of Destruction” in the episode “Operation: Spoilsport”). The downside is that the visual effects, particularly the flying, look even worse than they did in 1981. In order to shoot the visual effects quickly and cheaply, Cannell hired a company called Magicam, which shot the flying scenes on videotape and then transferred the finished composite footage to film. They weren’t convincing to my 14-year-old eyes, and today they appear amateurish and grainy. The physical effects--mostly Ralph falling out of the sky or stopping moving cars or tossing bad guys through the air--hold up pretty well, thanks to ace stunt coordinator Dennis Madalone. But the rough stuff isn’t what will keep you interested as you look at the series through contemporary eyes. What does trip your trigger are the characters, how they react to each other, and how they react to extraordinary and often life-threatening events. That they love each other, despite their differences, is certain. That you’ll love watching them is equally certain.

Trailer Trash
Now Playing: DAVE
Before the 7:45pm showing of THE LONGEST YARD at the Beverly Cinemas last night, we were subjected to 19 (!) minutes of commercials. That's right--19! Meaning the 7:45pm show didn't actually begin until 8:04pm. 19 minutes is fucking ridiculous. And, yes, I count trailers as commercials. A trailer is a commercial. It's somebody trying to sell you a product you don't want. And believe me--most of these trailers were for movies nobody wants.

Before I get started...I haven't watched FRIENDS in years. When the hell did Courteney Cox buy her new boobs? Good Christ, I couldn't concentrate on the first ten minutes of the movie, I was so mesmerized by her new cleavage. I think it's too late in her career to help her, but I was glad for the glimpse I got.

Now on to the seven trailers I endured last night:

THE ISLAND--I saw this movie when it was called LOGAN'S RUN. It's directed by Michael Bay, which likely means it will suck. It has lots of quickly cut CGI effects, which likely means it will suck. It has Scarlett Johansson, who is hot as hell, but not an actress I get particularly jazzed about. Something that made me laugh is a line Ewan McGregor says to Scarlett: "Now do you believe me when I say the island doesn't exist?" Well, dammit, the movie is called THE ISLAND, so there had damn well better be an island! It's not titled MAYBE AN ISLAND, MAYBE NOT.

WAR OF THE WORLDS--I saw this movie when it was called INDEPENDENCE DAY. Tom Cruise blah blah stuff blowing up blah blah more noisy CGI blah blah. When is Spielberg going to make another Indiana Jones movie?

INTO THE BLUE--I saw this movie when it was called THE DEEP. Vapid teenagers go diving for buried treasure and fight insipid bad guys. Paul Walker is in it, which likely means it will suck. Jessica Alba wears lots of bikinis in it. Jessica is the new Denise Richards, probably the worst actress on Hollywood's A-list. But she looks great in a bikini. This movie looks bad.

THE HONEYMOONERS--I saw this when it was called, um, THE HONEYMOONERS. I don't know who the audience is for this. The urban crowd, I suppose. It doesn't seem raucous enough to attract that audience, and since nobody under 40 gives a rat's ass about Jackie Gleason, there isn't even a built-in brand recognition. There aren't any funny gags in the trailer either.

LAND OF THE DEAD--The teaser is still running. I don't know what's keeping Universal from promoting this thing better. 28 DAYS LATER was a smash. The DAWN OF THE DEAD remake was a smash. This George Romero sequel will likely be better than both of those movies. Zombies are hot now, so why doesn't Universal pull its head out of its ass? I may see this when it comes out, but I'll more than likely wait for the unrated DVD. Who wants to see R-rated Romero zombies?

WEDDING CRASHERS--Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn team up for the 49th time. This actually looks funny, and Christopher Walken should be a good foil for the stars.

DARK WATER--This trailer is ridiculous. It's Jennifer Connelly skulking around her apartment, investigating dripping water, puddles of water, water spots on the ceiling. Ooooo...pools of water are sooooo scary! Whoever edited this trailer is a major yutz.

On another subject, I read where the conservative publication HUMAN EVENTS listed the ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th & 20th Century. I find it odd that people with 17th-century attitudes are criticizing books from the 19th and 20th centuries.

Back to movies, since I've been rewatching some of Ivan Reitman's oeuvre, I saw DAVE tonight. It's a very charming little picture about a regular guy (Kevin Kline) who is recruited by the sinister Chief of Staff (Frank Langella) to substitute for the President of the United States after POTUS suffers a debilitating stroke. One of my favorite scenes is the one where Charles Grodin, as Kline's accountant, is summoned by Dave to the White House late at night to balance the budget. Overnight, Dave manages to find an extra $650 million to be used to build homeless shelters. It's a funny scene and a sweet one, but also sort of depressing in that I suspect this really could be done if we had a government that was interested in doing something beyond feeding their own self-interest. Kline has a monologue in which he pledges that the lives of the people should come before his own and that he should be willing to give up everything in order to improve their lives. Obviously, this is not something you would ever hear the current administration say, and I suspect that Langella's portrayal of a selfish, conniving, corrupt senior White House staffer is a more accurate portrayal than Kline's do-gooder. Much to our detriment, of course.

I Wish They Broke His Fucking Neck
Now Playing: The fake LONGEST YARD
Talk about a film almost completely without worth. Not to say that the remake of THE LONGEST YARD, which stars Adam Sandler as Burt Reynolds (snicker), is awful. It's too mediocre to be awful. But if ever a film was unnecessary, it's this one. The problem is that everything that you remember about the original film is re-created here, but not as well.

In 1974, Reynolds starred as Paul Crewe, an ex-NFL quarterback drummed out of the league after a point-shaving scandal and sentenced to a prison term after getting drunk and stealing his girlfriend's car. The same with Crewe in the 2005 version, except now we're expected to buy the diminutive, non-athletic Sandler as a studly womanizing football star who posed for underwear ads. Strangely, Sheldon Turner's screenplay for the new film claims that the allegations against Crewe were never proven, yet he was somehow convicted on federal racketeering charges because of the point-shaving. Either he shaved points or he didn't; Turner tries to have it both ways (we find out for sure later in the film).

Warden Hazen (James Cromwell), who has political intentions, blackmails Crewe (we don't really know why) into putting together a team of convicts to play a practice game against his semipro squad of prison guards. Act II is pretty much THE DIRTY DOZEN, as Sandler assembles his squad of misfits and trains them to be football players. Act III is the big game, and you don't have to have seen the 1974 film to figure out what's going to happen.

Crewe coerced into sleeping with the warden's secretary? Yep, it's here, except it's an embarassing turn by elderly Cloris Leachman as an old perv.

Crewe nailing a referee in the nuts with a pass? Twice? Yep, that's here.

Remember when Richard Kiel clotheslined an opponent, leading to the memorable line, "I think I broke his fucking neck!"? That's here too, except the line is now, "I think he shit himself." Ha. Ha.

Caretaker (Chris Rock in James Hampton's role) getting killed? Yep. The memorable conclusion with the warden shouting at the head guard to kill Crewe? That's here too. Thankfully, the studio gave Tracy Keenan Wynn and Albert S. Ruddy, the original film's writers, a screen credit on the remake, because they certainly did most of the heavy lifting on it.

Other updates include the climactic game being broadcast on ESPN2, as if a national cable network would be interested in a sandlot game, especially one with such great potential for serious violence. Also, the players are too good. The warden sets this up a bit by explaining how he has recruited former college players to work for him as guards, but the level of play on the field is NFL-quality.

Perhaps the new film plays better if you're unfamiliar with the original, which also starred the late Eddie Albert, who coincidentally died the day before the remake opened, as the warden. It's a wonderful performance, made all the meaner by the fact that Albert had not played many heavies up to that point, whereas Cromwell has.

It's kind of surreal to see Reynolds with a major role in the remake; I wonder what it was like for him on the set, watching Sandler go through the same motions he did 30 years earlier. Ed Lauter, who portrayed the violent head guard, Knauer, in the Reynolds film, has a welcome cameo. Rob Schneider, the only major film comedian who's less funny than Adam Sandler, has an unwelcome one.

An Ancient Horror Slept Beneath The Old Haunted Mansion... Nothing Could Stop Its Escape!
Now Playing: THE EVIL

Someone should interview Gus Trikonis one of these days. Not only is he a former actor and dancer (WEST SIDE STORY) who once was married to Goldie Hawn, but he also made a mark of sorts in the 1970’s as a director of solid exploitation movies in a variety of genres. MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 fans may recognize Gus as the director of THE SIDEHACKERS. I haven’t seen SUPERCOCK (!), his reunion with SIDEHACKERS star Ross Hagen as a cockfighter in the Philippines, but I have seen the rest of his theatrical oeuvre:

* THE SWINGING BARMAIDS with cop William Smith chasing an impotent serial killer who’s knocking off the sexy waitresses of a dumpy bar.
* NASHVILLE GIRL, a sexy soap about young farm girl Monica Gayle’s efforts at becoming a country-western star.
* THE STUDENT BODY, as college professor Warren Stevens performs sexual experiments on hot college girls.
* MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS, a fast-drivin’ good-ol’-boy car-chase flick with a classic trash cast including John Saxon, William Conrad (CANNON), Claudia Jennings, Maureen McCormick (THE BRADY BUNCH), Susan Howard (DALLAS) and Candice Rialson (CHATTERBOX).

And now 1978's THE EVIL, one of Trikonis’ last feature films before entering a busy career in television. Released by Roger Corman’s New World Pictures in 1978 with an R rating, THE EVIL is a somewhat hokey haunted-house movie with ethereal spirits, floating people and objects, a thunderstorm, shutters that rattle in the night, a demonic dog, an invisible rapist and other tried-and-true ghost-story gimmicks. It also piles up a decent body count using a cast of performers who should be quite familiar to fans of Crappy Movies.

The late Richard Crenna, a dependable journeyman leading man who moved back and forth between television and features with aplomb and who starred in the laugh-tastic DEVIL DOG: THE HOUND OF HELL the same year, toplines as C.J. Arnold, a professor of psychology who rents a spooky old mansion as the site for his new drug rehabilitation center. In reality, Trikonis and producer Ed Carlin secured as their prime location a gorgeous 19th-century structure near Las Vegas, New Mexico called Montezuma Castle. It’s gigantic, dark and creepy, giving Trikonis plenty of atmosphere to work with.

The place needs to be cleaned up, so C.J., along with his gorgeous wife Caroline (Joanna Pettet), recruits a small group of friends and students to spend the summer getting the place ready for business: physicist Raymond Guy (Andrew Prine, recently in the C.S.I. episode directed by Quentin Tarantino) and his student/girlfriend Laurie (Mary Louise Weller, ANIMAL HOUSE); ex-junkie Felicia (Lynne Moody, one of the innocents sent to Robert Reed’s corrupt prison in NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY); pet lover Mary (Cassie Yates, THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND), joker Pete (George O’Hanlon Jr., whose father was the voice of George Jetson); and handyman Dwight (Robert Viharo, star of BARE KNUCKLES).

Danger erupts almost immediately…well, even before that, as a drunken handyman is incinerated by the furnace during the opening titles. After Crenna’s group arrives, all Hell--literally--breaks loose after C.J. accidentally unlocks a Doorway to Hell (where’s Lin Ye Tang when you need him) hidden in the basement. The doors and shutters lock, the window glass becomes unbreakable, and there’s no way out of the house. While agnostic C.J. tries to figure out a logical explanation for everything, various characters are murdered in creative ways--dog attack, electrocution, power saw, mud. Felicia is stripped to her underwear and battered about by an unseen force. Only Caroline has something resembling a clue, since she’s the only one who can see the ghost of the house’s previous resident as he shambles about.

Eventually, the Arnolds are the only ones left and end up in the fog-filled basement pit, where they encounter none other than Satan himself, dressed in white and sitting atop a white throne in a white room (no black curtains) brimming with dry ice. You might be surprised to learn that the Devil is fat and looks a lot like Victor Buono. Reportedly, some prints of THE EVIL are missing all Buono’s scenes, meaning, I guess, that Crenna and Pettet are able to slam the door to Hell and lock it without much of a hitch. It’s true that the climax is a little silly, with Crenna forced to his knees in pain and Pettet leaping out of the fog to jam a pointy iron cross into the chest of a horned Buono, but, gee, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?

Who Likes Naked Kickboxing Chicks?
Now Playing: ANGELFIST and ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
Leave it to Roger Corman to stick with a formula that works. Nearly 20 years after hot naked kickfighter Jeanne Bell sought revenge in the Philippines in TNT JACKSON and more than a decade after Jillian Kesner did the same in FIRECRACKER, executive producer Corman and director Cirio H. Santiago trotted out exotic covergirl Catya Sassoon in 1993’s ANGELFIST, which also includes elements of BLOODFIST and BLOODSPORT. Once you've seen Cat's gleaming wet body opening a can of naked whupass on a trio of Filipino ninja, it's doubtful you'll ever forget it. Armed with strangely masculine features, sofa-pillow lips and a pair of stand-up-straight breasts courtesy of one of Beverly Hills' finest cosmetic surgeons, "world karate champion" (after seeing her in action, I think it's safe to assume that her title is typical Corman B.S.) Sassoon stands front and center in this cheapjack made-in-Manila melodrama.

Cat is Katana Lang, a tough Los Angeles detective first seen storming a cheap motel to mow down some crooks who have just machine-gunned a bunch of cops outside. You'll be amazed at how many Filipino cops and hoods there are in L.A. That night, she gets the word that her kickboxing sister Kristie, who was moonlighting as an undercover FBI agent, snapping photos of a fatal ninja attack upon a prominent American politician, was slashed to death in her hotel room. Kristie was ostensibly in Manila to compete in an all-female martial-arts tournament. When Kat arrives in Manila to investigate her sister's murder and is stonewalled by U.S. embassy officials, she takes Kristie's place in the tournament, unreasonably (but correctly) assuming that the death must be somehow connected to the tournament. She also shacks up with Alcatraz, an annoyingly smug gambler who somehow manages to lure Kat to his bachelor pad and his bed.

ANGELFIST is stupid and crudely made, but it certainly isn't boring. Santiago certainly doesn't believe in shooting many takes (his attempt at using optical zooms to provide instant coverage for a dialogue scene between Alcatraz and Katana is painful), but at least he stages plenty of fight scenes. Sassoon's topless karate scene (in which it appears Kat must have been showering in her panties) is the highlight--how could it not be?--but several other action scenes, usually involving the breakage of cheap wooden furniture, keep the pace moving. And when women martial artists aren't bashing each other in the ring or Filipino ninjas leaping into battle with one of the film's stars, Santiago alleviates the silly plot with plenty of gratuitous nudity, including three different shower scenes, two of which feature statuesque blonde Moore as the kickboxing FBI agent sister's kickboxing FBI agent partner.

Cat Sassoon, the daughter of Vidal Sassoon and ‘60s actress Beverly Adams, died of heart failure the morning of January 1, 2002 at the age of 33. At least she lived long enough to presumably see Maria Ford remake ANGELFIST as ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION, which also manages to ripoff two Roger Corman movies; in addition to ANGELFIST, ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION is a step-by-step remake of a Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie called BLACKBELT, which was a ripoff of THE BODYGUARD. I don’t know how Corman manages to keep all these ripoffs straight. The best way to remember 1994’s ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION is that it’s the one with Maria Ford performing the topless karate fighting.

Ford, a very cute blonde who played strippers in a ton of erotic thrillers during the 1990’s, is stripper-turned-cop (just like Marg Helgenberger on C.S.I.!) Jo Alwood, who takes a job protecting rock star Delilah from a freaky stalker who confuses the sexy singer with his mother, with whom he had an incestuous relationship. Meanwhile, Delilah's mobster backer wants her to re-up her contract, and resorts to violence in an effort to force her. Jo signed on for one job and ends up fighting two baddies simultaneously. What a coincidence.

Originally Charlie Spradling was signed to star in this New Horizons action flick, but when she balked at performing the eagerly anticipated (by me anyway) naked kickboxing fight, Corman reportedly dumped her, sent Ford over to Manila (filling in unconvincingly as Honolulu), and ordered the director to rewrite the script to kill off Charlie's character and introduce Ford as her sister. Some of the dialogue and camera setups are even taken verbatim from BLACKBELT, which, obviously, didn't have the advantage of Maria Ford's amazing naked kickboxing skills, as she bounces around a house wearing nothing but a G-string and rouge on her nipples and beating the crap out of an army of trained hoods. And despite her character's determination to never strip again, this professional law enforcer doesn't hesitate to step out onto a stage and perform an intricately choreographed striptease in order to save the life of a hostage (how and why this happens aren't addressed, but we know it's to provide Ford with yet another nude scene).

Although Corman claims to have retired from filmmaking and has put his massive Concorde/New Horizons library up for sale, I can’t help but hope he’s got one more Naked Karate movie left in him. After all, four isn’t nearly enough.

You Wouldn?t Like Him When He?s Angry
Now Playing: 24 (season finale spoilers ahead)
How many of you heard Joe Harnell’s INCREDIBLE HULK theme tinkling in your brain at the end of last night’s season finale of 24? The thrilling fourth season closed with intrepid agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) enduring another 24-hour period of murder, torture, intrigue, political maneuvering, life-or-death decisions and lots of Ford SUVs. The very end of the show found Jack walking alone into the sunrise, wearing Bill Bixby’s sunglasses and toting a bag over his shoulder, both a fugitive from justice and a dead man. Well, legally dead anyway, after his pals at CTU helped him fake his death to avoid being murdered by a Secret Service agent ordered to prevent Jack from being taken into custody by Chinese nationals who accuse him of breaking into their embassy and kidnapping one of their citizens (which Jack actually did, but that’s neither here nor there…). Cheez, you’d think the U.S. government would be more grateful to their most dedicated agent, considering how often he’s saved their asses in the last four seasons.

It will be interesting to see where 24 goes from here. I just wish I didn’t have to wait eight months to find out. 24 is a horrible addiction, the most consistently suspenseful dramatic series I’ve ever seen on television, a 24-hour thrill ride that, by its very nature, barely gives you time to breathe. Actually, those moments when you did get that chance were handled surprisingly well this year. Normally, the all-too-rare quiet moments on the series come across as forced and clunky, but most of them this year were played by 24’s star-crossed lovers, businesslike boss Michelle Dressler (Reiko Aylesworth) and ex-husband Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard). I particularly loved Bernard this year, as he quickly redeemed himself, rising in a single day from alcoholic ex-con traitor living with a teenage barkeep to loyal, trustworthy sidekick, contributing mightily to preventing national disaster and winning back the heart of Michelle in the process.

Perhaps next year will find Jack on the run from Chinese and American assassins. Maybe he and President Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) will open up a private detective agency in Tijuana. Nah, Haysbert has a new show premiering in the fall. Hmmm. At any rate, I certainly hope that treacherous tart Mandy makes a return to Bauer’s life. The wicked assassin, dubbed “Naked Mandy” by fans because of her delicious habit of taking her clothes off on-camera and portrayed by the delectable Mia Kirshner (NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE) in a short skirt and a ferocious pair of stripper boots, received a presidential pardon in the finale for all crimes past and present, including her assassination attempt on Palmer (boy, I bet that burned his britches), so I presume she’s out there somewhere, waiting to get hired by a new set of terrorists insistent on wiping out a passel of innocent Amurkens.

Between socializing and network television, I really have not watched many films lately. I did manage to catch a Canadian classic over the weekend, the chilling battle between man and rat. You heard me. And not a giant rat either, or even a wild pack of rats. Just one man and one rat fighting over the same turf: the restored brownstone owned by an attorney named Bart (Peter Weller). In OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN, Bart hopes to use the peace and quiet created by his wife and son’s vacation to whip together an important transaction for his boss at the firm and earn himself a monster promotion. Instead of peace, Bart discovers only obsession as a ferocious rat begins systematically destroying the house. Over the course of 85 minutes, the cool, collected attorney turns into Gene Hackman in THE CONVERSATION, gutting the damn place in his quest to stomp a mudhole in that rat’s ass. Directed by George Pan Cosmatos (RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II) and featuring the film debut of PLAYBOY Playmate and future Cinemax queen Shannon Tweed (who does indeed appear nude under the opening titles), OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN is better than you’d guess from the premise, delivering a marvelously thoughtful performance by Weller and a few genuinely creepy scares. It was filmed in Montreal, which substitutes nicely for Manhattan.

I also managed to check out on DVD THE LAST SHOT, which fitfully performed in a handful of theaters last fall. I’m not sure why Disney handled this $70 million comedy’s theatrical chances so poorly, although it isn’t likely to have been a big hit anyway. Not that it isn’t entertaining--it is, mostly--but films about filmmaking have historically not been big moneymakers, and without any major stars, THE LAST SHOT’s box-office potential likely wasn’t there. Written and directed by Jeff Nathanson, who penned Steven Spielberg’s hit CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, THE LAST SHOT is a truth-is-stranger-than-fiction tale of an FBI agent (Alec Baldwin) who concocts a sting operation to capture corrupt Teamsters redhanded by luring them into a film production. Since the FBI doesn’t make movies, Baldwin convinces a has-been director (Matthew Broderick) that he’s a producer and wants to make Broderick’s screenplay--ARIZONA, about a cancer-stricken woman’s trek through the deserts--on location…in Rhode Island…with a Providence landfill subbing for the Arizona desert. Broderick is as fooled by Baldwin’s blather as the mobster (Tony Shalhoub) being lured in, which leads to some real friction when Baldwin actually befriends the naive director and regrets pulling the wool over his eyes. Some of Nathanson’s material is funny stuff, particularly the dialogue and Joan Cusack’s hilariously profane cameo as a ballbusting producer (“You wanna eat lunch off of my ass? I thought you were kosher.”). Baldwin is a very good comic actor who doesn’t get a chance to demonstrate it as much as he should. Toni Collette (THE SIXTH SENSE) is terrific as a high-maintenance leading lady, while Buck Henry (Uncle Roy!), Tim Blake Nelson, Ray Liotta, Calista Flockhart, James Rebhorn and Glenn Morshower (also in the 24 finale) provide strong support. As does an unbilled Eric Roberts, bravely being a good sport and allowing himself to be mocked doing what Eric Roberts does best.

Grave Danger
Now Playing: C.S.I.: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
I haven't seen C.S.I. in 3 or 4 years, but I did tune in this week to see the Season Five finale, the two-hour episode directed by Quentin Tarantino. Usually, television directors are treated as merely traffic cops and given little credit for bringing anything creative to the table, but "Grave Danger" is proof that a director can make a difference in television if he has the talent...and the freedom to do so.

It was an interesting blend of the usual C.S.I. puzzle-solving and typical Quentinian pop riffing. Gil Grissom (William Petersen) was pulling arcane factoids out of his rear, and the characters managed a lot of zippy-looking futuristic equipment to piece together the solution to the mystery. Meanwhile, two regulars were playing a DUKES OF HAZZARD board game, Marg Helgenberger made an uncomfortable Jack Handey reference, a Lucio Fulci T-shirt made an appearance, and a story point involved The Turtles' terrific 1966 rocker "Outside Chance" (written by Warren Zevon!), which likely drove nuts CBS programmers who are always burdening their crime shows with boring contemporary pop music.

One crucial Tarantino touch is another that probably gave the network conniption fits: his choice of wonderful, older cult character actors as guest stars. John Saxon and Andrew Prine have appeared in hundreds of films and TV shows and were once quite familiar to TV audiences, if not household names, but TV's obsession with youth have driven them to occasional work in exploitation and direct-to-video movies. Not that this is a recent development in their careers; Saxon and Prine are certainly better known and more beloved today for their work in horror, SF and other drive-in genres than for their starring roles in THE BOLD ONES or THE ROAD WEST or even for their supporting parts in major studio features.

Saxon, a Crappy Movie Night favorite for his performances in BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS, MOONSHINE COUNTY EXPRESS, ENTER THE DRAGON and others, was terrific in his small but pivotal role as a grieving father who gains revenge for the imprisonment of his daughter by kidnapping C.S.I. Nick Stokes (George Eads) and burying him in a plexiglass box, armed with a tape recorder and a pistol. Unbeknownst to Nick, his C.S.I. colleagues are able to view his travails over a live Internet feed, except that the light operated by the streaming works off the same battery as the fan funneling air into him; whenever Nick's friends watch him, they're inadvertently depriving him of oxygen. Prine is solid in his scenes as Nick's judge father, even playing comedy in a bizarre black-and-white dream sequence. Bond girl Lois Chiles (MOONRAKER) appears as Nick's mother, and Scott Wilson (IN COLD BLOOD) has a scene as Catherine Willows' (Helgenberger) wealthy father.

Another Tarantino moment is the brief cameos by Tony Curtis and the late Frank Gorshin, who passed away just two days before the episode aired. They have nothing to do with the plot, as they laugh and reminisce about the old days of Las Vegas, allowing Gorshin to do a few of his famous impressions, like Burt Lancaster and Jack Nicholson (I suspect the Nicholson was thrown in to appease audiences assumed not to know who Burt Lancaster is; I hate to think C.S.I. viewers are that uncultured, but it's likely CBS does).

Gorshin is, of course, best remembered as the Riddler on the 1966-69 BATMAN TV series, a giggling madman in tights who walked off with an Emmy nomination for his performance in the first episode--a sensational pilot that helped get the series on the air. Gorshin appeared as the Riddler three more times in the overwhelming Year of the Bat, 1966 (Adam West even made the cover of LIFE that year), and once again in the dismal Season Three, as well as the 1966 theatrical film. BATMAN (the movie) is where I first saw Gorshin, but I also remember him fondly as Bele, the half-black/half-white alien on the third-season STAR TREK episode "Let This Be Your Last Battlefield". Written by Oliver Crawford from a story by Gene L. Coon and a concept by Barry Trivers, "Battlefield" is a somewhat heavyhanded tale about the stupidity of racial prejudice revolving around the only two survivors of a planet destroyed through the intolerance of its inhabitants: Bele and his hated rival Lokai (Lou Antonio), who is white on his right side and black on his left in contrast to Bele's race. Using extraterrestrial cultures allowed STAR TREK to examine contemporary social issues in a way that other TV dramas of the late 1960's wouldn't or couldn't, and despite "Battlefield"'s heavy touch, it packs an occasional punch, and Frank Gorshin earned another Emmy nomination.

Hats off to C.S.I. this week for not only producing a terrific Quentin Tarantino thriller and stocking it with wonderful but discarded performers, but also for dedicating the season finale to the late Frank Gorshin--1934-2005.

The Devil Is Her Lover
Now Playing: ABBY

You wanna see something funny? Try watching ABBY one of these days. Actually, that‘s not easy. William Girdler, the director of ASYLUM OF SATAN, GRIZZLY and SHEBA, BABY, made it in his hometown of Louisville, Kentucky and released it in 1974, riding the vomit-stained coattails of THE EXORCIST. The reason you can‘t find it easily is because Warner Brothers sued American-International Pictures and had ABBY pulled from theatrical release, claiming it was too similar to THE EXORCIST. It has never been released on home video and is unlikely to show up on DVD anytime soon. Considering the dozens of EXORCIST ripoffs that polluted U.S. theaters during the mid-1970‘s, it‘s a mystery why ABBY was singled out. Obviously, it would never have existed if not for the William Friedkin Oscar-winner, but it‘s not really that close to it.

It’s too unintentionally hilarious to be confused for THE EXORCIST, and a very good example of good actors working their butts off to make rice pudding out of cow pies. Stuck with a very low budget and the inexperienced Girdler's po'-faced approached to essentially absurd material, ABBY is utterly lacking in the horrific atmosphere needed to set the story on its edge.

While exploring some African ruins, holy man/archeologist Garnet Williams (BLACULA’s William Marshall) uncovers a horny evil spirit named Eshu. Somehow (don't ask me) it makes its way to Louisville (!), where it invades the body of Abby (Carol Speed), the sweet newlywed wife of Reverend Emmett Williams (Terry Carter, on MCCLOUD at the time), Garnet's son. Before you can say, "the power of Christ compels you", Abby has transformed into an ugly, cruel, foul-mouthed sex machine, frightening the elderly church organist into a fatal heart attack and cruising singles bars in search of carnal debauchery. For some reason, nobody notices Abby's green makeup or the fact that she speaks in a raspy male voice (provided by Bob Holt) when under Eshu's spell.

The sight of little Carol Speed foaming at the mouth, swearing like a drunken sailor, and tossing grown men around like rag dolls is impossible to take seriously. On one hand, one feels guilty mocking ABBY, since Girdler is nothing if not sincere in his intent to create a work of ghastly horror. Being as he was usually able to get name actors to work for him, there must have been something about his personality that attracted them, because they certainly couldn't have been impressed with his films. And ABBY's cast really does shine, struggling as they do with the silly script by Girdler and Cornell G. Layne. Marshall does his best to anchor the film in some sort of reality, spouting his Eshu expertise as if he really believed it, while Carter and Austin Stoker (the lead in ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13), who starred in Girdler's PANIC CITY aka THE ZEBRA KILLER aka COMBAT COPS, as Abby's cop brother provide fine support.

On the other hand, Robert O. Ragland's cheesy score, some very cheap sets, and some of the most painfully ugly wardrobe choices this side of Chad Everett on MEDICAL CENTER prevents ABBY's audience from experiencing any emotion except giggly amusement. Let's face it--the sight of an innocent-looking young woman possessed by demonic forces and compelled to spit up green foam, curse, emit a sinister laugh, and latch on to the honkers of total strangers is intrinsically ridiculous. THE EXORCIST managed to pull it off because of the brilliant filmmakers--such as William Friedkin, Max von Sydow, Jason Miller, Dick Smith and William Peter Blatty--involved with that production. Girdler ain't Billy Friedkin, and, as much as I like Marshall, he's not the great von Sydow either.