Five-Year Plans And New Deals
Now Playing: LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT
My iTunes library now has 5354 songs in it. Here's what I've been listening to for the last hour:

"Hot Love"--T. Rex
"You Don't Have to Say You Love Me"--Dusty Springfield
"I Live in the Springtime"--The Lemon Drops
"What Am I Going to Do?"--The Dovers
"Weightless at Zero Return"--Man Or Astro-Man?
"Who'll Stop the Rain"--John Fogerty live from the Capital Center in 1987
"Shining"--The Bumps
"It's A Sunshine Day"--The Brady Bunch (!)
"The Idols of Your Mind"--The Hinge
"Tape Machine"--Lalo Schifrin from the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE episode "Underground"
"Amos Moses"--Jerry Reed
"Daniel"--Elton John
"End Credits (March)"--Lalo Schifrin from THE EAGLE HAS LANDED
"Between the Lines"--McDonald's Farm
Theme from HARDCASTLE & MCCORMICK by Mike Post & Pete Carpenter
"Don't Worry Baby"--Beach Boys
"In the Idol's Temple"--John Williams from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
"Body Surf"--Aki Aleong & the Nobles
"Take A Giant Step"--The Monkees
"Chick-A-Boom"--Daddy Dewdrop
"Delirium"--Herschel Burke Gilbert from THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN
"Believe It Or Not"--Joey Scarbury

An interesting appearance by Brad Renfro on tonight's LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT. I don't believe Renfro has ever done episodic television before, but maybe his career options are becoming scarcer following his heroin arrest last month. He's battled drug and alcohol addictions for several years now, although you wouldn't know it from his performance tonight. He was quite effective as one-half of a serial-killing team and surely didn't look like a junkie. His partner was played by Ethan Embry, who has bulked up since his familiar roles in CAN'T HARDLY WAIT and the recent Dick Wolf series DRAGNET. Not "buff" bulked up, but "beefy" bulked up. He'll never score with Amanda Beckett at this rate.

Such A Subtle Title
Now Playing: NAIL GUN MASSACRE
One thing's for sure with a title like NAIL GUN MASSACRE: you know exactly what you're getting. Something like the currently acclaimed THE SQUID AND THE WHALE, who knows what the hell that's about? But with NAIL GUN MASSACRE, it's a sure bet it isn't a sequel to BLEAK HOUSE.

It's also from Texas, the state that gave us the stinker R.O.T.O.R. It's probably about as bad too, if slightly less boring. Feel safe concentrating all the blame on Terry Lofton, who served as co-director, writer, producer, casting director, stunt coordinator and special effects man.

Six months after a bunch of construction workers gang-rape lumber-yard owner Michelle Meyer, a masked killer clad in combat gear begins murdering local townspeople with a powerful nail gun. Dumbass cop Ron Queen and dipshit doctor Rocky Patterson notice that most of the victims were named by Meyer as her attackers, but not all of them. You’ll be forgiven for guessing that Meyer is the killer, considering the actor hidden beneath all that gear is obviously a woman. You'd be wrong, but no one could blame you.

The level of incompetence is really breathtaking. One actress (Lofton’s grandmother) looks at the camera during a take, just after blowing a line. Some victims have trouble holding their breath while playing dead. Nails that are supposed to have penetrated bodies wiggle around on the actors’ skin (the nails are sawed off and glued to the skin). A blonde actress with large breasts plays her only scene completely topless while Lofton’s camera zooms into her chest. Characters come and go with no reason to exist except to get killed. A radio plays a terrible rock song about, of all subjects, foosball. Twice. Some dialogue can scarcely be heard over the racket made by the camera.

NAIL GUN MASSACRE at least has a lot of blood and nudity (including a surprisingly graphic sex scene against a tree) that will keep you awake, fighting against the terrible acting and production values. Magnum Entertainment released this straight to video in 1987. For some reason, Synapse, an independent distributor of some repute, made it into a deluxe DVD last year. Among the disc's extras is an interview with Terry Lofton, where he tries to dis critics who put down his movie, all the while apologizing to his actors for not writing a full script and asking them to ad-lib dialogue. He seems like a nice guy, but he appears to believe his movie is good. It is not.

On a side note, I watched another episode of DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDERCOVER, "Rx for Murder", which is only of note because one of the guest stars was Kristine DeBell. B-Festers (and those who have been to my house for Crappy Movie Night) may recognize her as the star of 1976's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a pornographic musical comedy. A lot of eyebrows were raised the year ALICE screened at B-Fest around 3am, and doubly so later that day when Kristine appeared in the Jackie Chan vehicle THE BIG BRAWL. What's unusual is that, unlike someone like Traci Lords, DeBell was not a porn star who crossed over into mainstream Hollywood. She was a mainstream actress who happened to star in a porn film. As porn goes, ALICE is pretty tame, and Kristine doesn't really do much more than Chloe Sevigny does in THE BROWN BUNNY.

Actor Larry Gelman from CHATTERBOX and THE BOB NEWHART SHOW (who doesn't perform any sex acts) and arranger/conductor Peter Matz (THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW) also worked on ALICE IN WONDERLAND, and it doesn't appear that any of them suffered in Hollywood as a result. Nor should they have. I suspect this could be because ALICE, though filmed with hardcore sex scenes, was trimmed of several minutes by its producers and released theatrically with an R rating. The few people who likely saw it as a spicy musical spoof were probably unaware of its hardcore origins. I don't think the X-rated cut was released until many years later, maybe even after DeBell's acting career had run its course.

The movie, by the way, is pretty fun, if you're open to the theatrical performances, cheapo production values, and songs about Humpty Dumpty falling off his wall and breaking his penis.

From Last Week's Issue Of THE HUB
In the 187 minutes it takes for the current remake of KING KONG to unspool, you could watch both KING KONG VS. GODZILLA and KING KONG ESCAPES. Since Peter Jackson’s opus contains neither a fire-breathing Japanese dinosaur nor a giant robot monkey, it seems obvious where your Kong time would be best spent.

KING KONG VS. GODZILLA is perhaps most notable for marking the big ape’s second appearance on the big screen and first in nearly thirty years. In retrospect, it seems amazing that America’s foremost movie monster never returned in a sequel (admittedly, the final scene of the 1933 KING KONG would have made it difficult, but in Hollywood, a dollar sign always seems to trump dramatics). Instead, RKO lent Kong out to Toho and special effects craftsman Eiji Tsuburaya, who eschewed Willis O’Brien’s painstaking stop-motion techniques for stuntmen in rubber suits stomping miniature cities and countrysides.

Some dopes in a nuclear submarine accidentally crash it into an iceberg, releasing Godzilla from his frozen prison. The Big G beats feet for Tokyo, where he resumes his normal practice of stomping the city into matchsticks. Meanwhile, a pharmaceutical company looking for a way to improve its television show’s ratings sends two dudes to Pharaoh Island, where it is rumored the natives offer non-addictive hallucinogenic berries to the mythical beast they worship. The natives capture the drug company flunkies, who win them over by offering a radio that plays crummy J-Pop and giving cigarettes to the children. Sure enough, Kong is there, too. After defeating a giant octopus in battle, he chugs some berry juice and passes out long enough for the expedition team to strap him to a raft and pull him back to Japan. Unsurprisingly, this turns out to be a bad idea, resulting in Kong’s explosive escape, his destruction of much of Tokyo and an epic battle royal with Godzilla at Mt. Fuji.

Besides the lovely Mie Hama, who wallows in a large mockup of a monkey’s paw in the role of Kong’s love interest, the human actors don’t make much of an impact under Ishiro Honda’s direction, not that we really need them to when giant monsters are kicking the crap out of each other. KING KONG VS. GODZILLA was made before Toho’s kaiju movies got really silly (we’re getting to that), so there is a bit of political subtext concerning the possible use of nuclear weapons against the monsters — an interesting point in a Japanese production made less than twenty years after Hiroshima.

In 1967, Toho brought Kong back in KING KONG ESCAPES, which was inspired by a Saturday morning cartoon and plays much like a spy movie. Square-jawed sub commander Carl Nelson (Rhodes Reason), an American nurse (Linda Miller) and a Japanese cohort (Akira Takarada) take a cool flying sub to Mondo Island, where they discover Kong. Meanwhile, evil villain Dr. Who (Eisei Amamoto) is in cahoots with the sexy Madame X (Mie Hama again), an agent from an unnamed Communist power, who wants the radioactive Element X. She builds a 60-foot King Kong robot to mine Element X (“the strongest thing there is in the world today”), which will ensure Madame’s country’s nuclear domination. The damn thing doesn’t work, though, so Dr. Who kidnaps the real Kong and hypnotizes him into doing Who’s bidding. Before you know it, Kong and the newly refurbished robot Kong are fighting atop the Tokyo Tower.

For KING KONG ESCAPES, Toho and director Honda joined forces with Rankin/Bass, producers of animated TV specials like FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, which resulted in ubiquitous American voice artist Paul Frees dubbing nearly every male actor in the film. That’s okay, it just adds to the fun, which includes Kong fighting a dinosaur and a giant sea snake and Nelson’s bunch being kidnapped to Who’s Arctic lair, where the megalomaniac commands an army of jumpsuit-wearing henchmen.

Universal presents both movies on DVD in striking widescreen prints, the first time since their original U.S. theatrical releases that they have been seen in their proper 2.35:1 aspect ratios. Akira Ifukube contributes majestic scores that add much-needed gravitas to the rubber-monster cage matches. If the busy Mie Hama looks familiar, it’s because she played one of Sean Connery’s Japanese lovers, Kissy Suzuki, in the James Bond adventure YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE the same year she filmed KING KONG ESCAPES.

Peter Jackson’s KING KONG remake appears to be the must-see event picture of the season, but if you’re looking for simpler entertainment at half the running time, you can’t go wrong with two of Kong‘s biggest opponents. If Jackson had only thought to include a giant robot in his movie. Then he might have had something.

Why Me All The Time?
Now Playing: HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI
Let’s face it--AIP’s BEACH PARTY series wasn’t very sophisticated or even funny most of the time, but everyone involved seems so damned cheery and energetic that it’s difficult not to get caught up in the hijinks. And so it goes with 1965's HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI, made around the time the "long-running" series (American International made about eight of these in just three years and a few imitations too) was running dry. Just don’t let the misogyny of Leo Townsend and director William Asher’s screenplay smack you on the rear end.

Frankie Avalon, busy shooting SERGEANT DEADHEAD for AIP, pops up long enough to romance sexy native Irene Tsu while serving Navy reserve duty in the South Seas. He’s paranoid about galpal Annette Funicello making time with another guy back home though, and hires witch doctor Bwana (70-year-old silent screen legend Buster Keaton) to spy on her through the eyes of a nosy pelican. For good measure, Bwana conjures zaftig redhead Beverly Adams (who married Vidal Sassoon), stuffs her into a wild bikini, and drops her onto the beach to distract smoothie Dwayne Hickman (THE MANY LOVES OF DOBIE GILLIS) from Funicello. I’m willing to bet that Annette was pregnant at the time, since she’s the only woman in the film not to appear in a bikini, and, frankly, the concept of the frumpy Funicello luring Hickman away from a bevy of frugging cuties is laughable.

In a way, these movies foreshadowed the gag-a-second approach revolutionized by AIRPLANE with their frenetic comic atmosphere. Sight gags, slapstick, chases, one-liners and “breaking the fourth wall” abound, and when someone isn’t joking or falling down, they’re singing a song. The lumpy plot also involves Adams and Hickman getting recruited for a new advertising campaign orchestrated by Mickey Rooney, as well as a surrealistic motorcycle race pitting stud Hickman against uncouth biker Eric Von Zipper (Lembeck). Asher and cinematographer Floyd Crosby masterfully squeeze as many tight bodies as they can into the widescreen image, and guest stars such as Brian Donlevy, Len Lesser (Uncle Leo!), Jody McCrea, John Ashley (soon to ditch L.A. for Manila to star and produce gory horror movies like MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND), Bobbi Shaw, Marianna Gaba, Salli Sachse and The Kingsmen keep the ball rolling. Asher’s wife Elizabeth Montgomery (BEWITCHED) even twitches in an unbilled cameo.

Top 10 DVDs of 2005 (In Alphabetical Order)
THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON

Thank you, Warner Brothers, for releasing this seminal TV superhero series with such lavish care. The audio commentary tracks (by so-called SUPERMAN experts) could have been better, but that’s the only black mark against this box set of 26 episodes and extras. 104 episodes were made, but the first year, lensed in crisp black-and-white in 1951, was the best. Under the tutelage of producer Robert Maxwell, the scripts fell into the rein of crime drama with gangsters, robbers and molls threatening the good people of Metropolis and no-nonsense Kryptonian Superman (superbly portrayed by George Reeves) knocking the bejeezus out of ‘em with a couple of right crosses.

Before later seasons became cutesy and sillier under new producer Whitney Ellsworth, the Maxwell episodes benefited from noirish cinematography, a slightly more mature approach to the comic-book material (more so than the National Periodicals comics of the period) and actress Phyllis Coates, the sexiest Lois Lane of all (and I’m a Teri Hatcher admirer). But no one would care about or even remember THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN today if not for George Reeves, a consummate professional who not only made you believe that the guy beneath the obviously padded costume was an invulnerable superhero, but also made his alter-ego, reporter Clark Kent, a full-blooded three-dimensional man who was as important to the show as its title character.

The Warners box set also benefits from its exceptional, colorful packaging and the inclusion of SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN, the first live-action Superman theatrical film that starred Reeves and Coates and was later split into a two-part episode.


THE CANDY SNATCHERS

Subversive Cinema presents a major coup in cult cinema, the first-ever home video release of director Guerdon Trueblood’s 1973 sleazefest. This downbeat crime thriller is no less than one of the best and most disturbing drive-in flicks of the 1970's. From its witty theme song, "Love Is The Root Of All Happiness", to its daringly pessimistic final crane shot, THE CANDY SNATCHERS is full of story twists, amoral but well-developed characters, sex, violence, social commentary and good acting. It isn't a fast-moving, action-packed thriller, but I can‘t imagine anyone with an adult sensibility not becoming fully absorbed in writer Bryan Gindoff‘s taut story and fascinating characters.

Unfortunately, Subversive’s menus are among the worst I’ve ever seen, but the extras are pretty astounding, especially for such an obscure picture. The audio commentary featuring actresses Tiffany Bolling and Susan Sennett is a rare case of candor and honest human emotion being captured on a DVD extra, and you’d have to be pretty cold to not feel something for these women after hearing it.


CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER/FOR Y’UR HEIGHT ONLY

A dwarf flying over the jungle with a jet pack strapped to his back. Topless women playing tennis in slow motion. A kung-fu brawl against a charging bull. Whenever you think you’ve seen everything film can offer, something like Mondo Macabro’s DVD release of FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY and CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER comes along, leaving you with your mouth open and your faith in humanity restored.

FOR Y’UR HEIGHT ONLY, a cheapo Filipino movie with 2’9” “actor” Weng Weng as a karate-kicking, nut-crunching, chick-loving super spy, and CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER, wild Hong Kong chopsocky with Bruce Le and Richard Harrison as CIA agents, are two of the most memorable movies I’ll ever see. And here they are together on one DVD. With CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER in a beautiful 2.35 print even! I can never get tired of these two.


DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY/RACE WITH THE DEVIL

Anchor Bay went the extra mile with these seminal ‘70s car-chase thrillers, both starring Peter Fonda at the peak of his fame as a drive-in icon. Both offer terrific-looking prints and cleaned-up audio, as well as informative audio commentaries, documentaries, trailers, etc. While RACE WITH THE DEVIL has its share of entertaining moments, DIRTY MARY is terrific entertainment with jaw-dropping stuntwork at a danger level you’re unlikely to see in today’s Hollywood.


THE FLESH EATERS

This is the Retromedia disc that was scrapped after it was learned that a rival DVD company actually owned the rights to the film. I believe only about fifty of them were ever pressed, making it a real collector’s item, I presume. It’s a decent letterboxed release of a grim, gritty independent horror picture that takes an unexpected turn into science fiction in its final reels. The DVD’s real treat is its audio commentary by FLESH EATERS writer Arnold Drake, historian Tom Weaver and Retromedia’s Fred Olen Ray, an informative, entertaining examination of one of the 1960’s oddest genre outings.


THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO

I can’t believe I now own every episode of one of my all-time favorite TV series. Anchor Bay put out all three seasons of this eccentric ‘80s Stephen J. Cannell production, which benefited from warm, likable performances by its stars: William Katt, Connie Sellecca and Robert Culp. With Katt playing a reluctant superhero learning to use his powers while forced into an unlikely partnership with gung-ho FBI agent Culp, the show’s simplistic plots were merely clotheslines on which to hang Cannell’s trademark flip dialogue and appealing group interactions. The special effects don’t hold up today, but they didn’t look good in 1981 either. That’s not what this show is about. Katt has never been better, Sellecca certainly never again got a part this good, and it’s a testament to Culp’s great talent and longevity that this is just one of his well-remembered character parts.


KING KONG

Not only is this 1933 adventure one of the best movies (forget monster movies) ever made, Warners’ 2-disc set also contains an enormously entertaining making-of docu that runs more than two and a half hours…and never drags. That’s just one of the many extras that makes this disc, the first time KING KONG has ever been released on DVD, an essential one for fantasy film fans.


KING KONG VS. GODZILLA/KING KONG ESCAPES

On the other hand, I found these Toho productions to be nearly as entertaining…in their own way. Universal put this 2-pack out in appealing, colorful 2.35:1 prints that will have you cheering, giggling and having a great time, especially if you’re watching them with a group of good friends. The only thing better than a giant monkey fighting a giant dinosaur is a giant monkey fighting a giant robot double. The lovely Mie Hama appears in both movies, as if they weren’t already irresistible.


MATANGO/THE MYSTERIANS

Media Blasters released several Japanese science fiction/horror movies in 2005. I only saw these two, which were definite eye-openers for me. MATANGO is a low-key horror thriller that relies on mood and atmosphere, rather than monsters, to achieve suspense. Don't let the silly monster suits keep you away from this Gothic chiller, which relies on complex characterizations and story turns, as well as remarkable, colorful production design, to create a feeling of paranoia and terror. THE MYSTERIANS offers a giant robot and invading aliens in a fast-moving, colorful collection of setpieces and space battles that blows away the memories I have of seeing pan-and-scan TV prints as a kid.


THE TWILIGHT ZONE: DEFINITIVE EDITION (SEASONS 2-5)

This might be the finest complete TV-series collection ever on DVD. Not only has every episode of one of TV’s greatest genre shows been presented in pristine-looking prints, but nearly every episode has at least one related extra, be it an audio commentary by one of the original stars or filmmakers, a radio adaptation or an isolated score. These four boxes (Season One came out in 2004) represent an important artifact in American pop-culture history. Image really jacked up the retail price on these sets, but it’s difficult to argue that they aren’t worth it.


Honorable Mention:
T.J. HOOKER: THE 1ST AND 2ND SEASONS

OK, it’s schlock, but as a rabid William Shatner fan, how can I ignore the release of Bill’s iconic ‘80s TV crime drama? How could I have ever predicted that I’d be able to see Bill in blue riding on the hoods of speeding cars, taking down bad guys using sweet karate skills, flirting with bikini-clad women half his age, or talking smack to his tight-panted partner Adrian Zmed on crystal-clear digital prints?

Straight From The Cutter's Mouth
Yesterday I received an e-mail from Doug Bryan, credited as film editor, music editor and sound effects editor on R.O.T.O.R. Doug is a friend of my former THE ONLY THING ON partner John Riley, and I asked John to help me get in touch with Doug so I could learn more about the film. A big thanks to John and, of course, to Doug, who graciously allowed me to reprint portions of his email:

It lives!!!! That was the first feature I ever cut. It was a disaster from the word go. Every frame they shot is in the movie, because their budget was so lean, they would often shoot just one take. The lead actor [Richard Gesswein] was one of the investors and spoke with a really annoying nasal tone. Toward the end of post-production, they decided to loop his lines using a "professional" actor. I had to edit in all of that shitty re-recorded dialogue that rarely synched up properly, giving all of his scenes a Japanese feel. Boy, that guy was pissed off.

The director, Cullen Blaine, was a character designer for Hanna-Barbara and did some of the design work on JONNY QUEST. The movie sucked complete and total ass, but was a great/weird experience. A few weeks into editing, the writer, Budd Lewis, showed up. Turns out he was one of the main writers for the Warren comic mags CREEPY and EERIE that I loved so as a kid. I got the real dirt on many of my favorite artists. I have to say that Budd and Cullen were really cool people, and we had a lot of laughs. They just shouldn't have been making movies. I don't think they ever did again.

My band at the time, Larry's Dad, contributed 2 songs to the soundtrack, and to this day I receive royalty checks for up to $1.21 from places like Burma and Thailand.

I should mention that when ROTOR re-charges, they didn't have any money for FX. He was basically just holding a set of jumper cables. I cashed in a favor down in the film lab and pulled an interpositive of that scene. I cut back and forth between the print image and a negative image to have SOMETHING going on. Jeez...

How anyone could sit through that God-awful mess is beyond my scope of understanding. Hats off, mate!

I don't mind if you put my comments out there as long as you mention what great guys Cullen and Budd were. Budd and I got drunk together one night and talked comics endlessly...

Doug and I have never met, but he did participate in one of my life's shining moments. John and I were preparing to tape another episode of THE ONLY THING ON, a weekly TV gig we were doing for KBSI-TV in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. I knew who Doug was and that he was working as an editor in Dallas. This day, John mentioned that Doug was cutting the latest Fred "The Hammer" Williamson movie, it might have been STEELE'S LAW. So, for the heck of it, John called Doug at work.

"How's Fred?"
"Fred's great. You wanna talk to him? He's sitting right here."

So John and I each spent five or ten minutes just chatting with The Hammer. He and I talked a lot about Super Bowl I, in which Williamson played as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, but I had just recently seen THREE THE HARD WAY, and I told him how great it was. He brought up the "sequel", ONE DOWN TWO TO GO, which he claimed was the most-stolen videocassette from video stores in the world, apparently because it was so awesome that customers had to own it for themselves. I have no idea whether that's true (a lot of what the colorful, charismatic Williamson says should be taken with a grain of salt), but I like to believe that it is. And now you can get ONE DOWN TWO TO GO on DVD, complete with an audio commentary track by The Hammer! I wonder if any of those are mysteriously missing from video store shelves?

Mr. B.I.G.'s Swan Song
Now Playing: SATAN'S PRINCESS
When I interviewed filmmaker Bert I. Gordon nearly three years ago, he had this to say about SATAN'S PRINCESS, the final film (to date) of a career that dates as far back as 1955:

Q: I wanted to ask you about Robert Forster (NOTE: whom I had interviewed the year before).

A: Terrific guy.

Q: You worked with him on SATAN’S PRINCESS.

A: I made it at Universal as MALEDICTION. Universal distributed it in foreign countries as MALEDICTION and domestically as SATAN’S PRINCESS. (NOTE: Gordon might mean Paramount, which released it on videocassette in the U.S.) Did you ever see the film?

Q: Yeah, I saw it on cable several years ago. The girl with Forster is Lydie Denier.

A: Gorgeous. You have a good memory. She is gorgeous.

Q: Yes, she is. And Forster was a good guy to work with?

A: Oh, yes, yes. In fact, I’d like to do something again with him. Excellent, and his cooperation was excellent.

Well, not much to say, I guess, but when you're talking to a guy who directed THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE and Orson Welles, you don't waste a lot of time yapping about SATAN'S PRINCESS.

Gordon on his best day was no better than an average director, but his enthusiasm and lack of taste was generally good for an entertaining movie. SATAN'S PRINCESS, released on home video in 1990 (did this play theatrically?), is that and more. It's a well-paced and generally silly combination of urban crime drama and supernatural chiller. And it features Borscht Belt comic Jack Carter as a 15th-century Spanish priest. Yep, it's that kind of movie.

One thing you gotta respect about Robert Forster is that he never walked through any of these movies. Not only did he always give the project 100%, regardless of how much of a turkey it was, he usually was able to jack the movie up a notch or two with his performance. SATAN'S PRINCESS is dumb and often laughable, but I'll be damned if Forster doesn't project what the screenplay doesn't and create a full-fledged character that's a joy to watch.

Forster is Lou Cherney, a crippled ex-cop with a retarded son and a put-upon girlfriend played by Caren Kaye, whose steamy nude scenes in MY TUTOR made a lasting impression on most boys of a certain age. Caren doesn't get naked in this movie, but just about every other actress does. Gordon, who directed several sex comedies, including the X-rated HOW TO SUCCEED WITH SEX, never misses an opportunity to have the ladies in this movie pop their tops. Thank you, Bert I. Gordon.

Cherney walks with a cane as a result of a shotgun blast in the line of duty that shattered his knee. His disability surprisingly doesn't affect the story a bit, although it does give Forster more to play than just a standard "moody, alcoholic ex-cop obsessed with an unsolved case he takes too personally". Providing him with a retarded son seems like overkill, but the boy does eventually become a story point.

The case Cherney can't shake involves a missing person, a female runaway he could never find. The girl's father hires Cherney to continue his investigation, which leads him to a murdered model and her boss at the agency, Nicole St. James (Lydie Denier).

For reasons not immediately explained, Nicole takes a shining to the battered gumshoe and invites him back to her mansion for some hot sex. Considering we've already seen Nicole engage in full-frontal lesbian sex with the girl that Cherney's searching for, we're now ready to anoint Bert I. Gordon as a genius.

This gets most of the sex out of the way, but there's more craziness to come. Just about everyone in Lou's life comes to a violent demise. His son is occasionally possessed by Nicole and driven to violent acts, including pounding an icepick into his old man's back and forcing a psychic to leap to her death. Cherney makes a call and picks up some homemade weaponry from a dude named Jilly, who's recognizable as actor Daryl Anderson, the unkempt photographer Animal from the LOU GRANT TV series.

I'm not completely sure about the film's resolution, except that Cherney flames the French chick with a rickety-looking flamethrower that I wouldn't trust to fire BBs, much less napalm. She's supposed to be a 500-year-old demon, not an alien, but she still sheds her (hot) human skin to reveal some unrealistic makeup effects.

Plenty of sex and violence keep this junky freight train of schlock rolling right along with Forster and Denier doing their best to keep it classy. Forster's weary manner of handling the script's one-liners (which are really funny) adds intentional humor (God knows there's plenty of unintentional laughs, and he manages to kick plenty of ass, bad leg be damned.

Unsurprisingly, Forster didn't sign on to make a picture called SATAN'S PRINCESS (who would?). It was filmed as THE MALEDICTION, but I can imagine the smell of sweat from the Paramount marketing execs who would have to sell that to video stores.

Skeletons In A Tin Coffin
Now Playing: R.O.T.O.R.
Damn you all to Hell, R.O.T.O.R. Do not be fooled by the kickass VHS cover art of an awesome-looking robot holding a gun and straddling a burned-out motorcycle. R.O.T.O.R. is as inept a movie as they come, but without the riotous laughs of SAMURAI COP or THE STABILIZER.

I don't even know where to start describing the stupidity of R.O.T.O.R., which was directed by someone named Cullen Blaine in and around Dallas, Texas in the late 1980's. Basically it's about an idiot named Barrett Coldyron (pronounced Cold-Iron) who works for the Dallas Police Department designing the Cop Of The Future, a robot policeman. It's still a long ways away from being ready for the streets--at least five years--but Coldyron's corrupt boss calls one morning and says, nope, we need it in two months. Coldyron says it can't be done and quits, leaving the project in the hands of his nerdy assistant and a comic-relief robot (think Johnny 5 with a policeman's hat).

Meanwhile, a gay-looking Indian (hey, he admits it) janitor strikes out while hitting on a Valley girl scientist, and accidentally sticks his switchblade comb into an electrical current. Somehow, this revives R.O.T.O.R., which stands for:
ROBOTIC
OFFICER
TACTICAL
OPERATION
RESEARCH

It also makes R.O.T.O.R., which looks like a redneck cop with a Chuck Norris mustache, erratic. He escapes, steals a motorcycle, and pulls over a speeding car driving by a dumbass and his cute fiance while they're having a fight about something stupid. R.O.T.O.R. believes his assignment is to exterminate criminals, so he shoots the guy in the head. The woman, Sonya, escapes and drives all night looking for help.

She eventually crosses paths with Coldyron in at a truck stop around 5 A.M. His plan: for Sonya to drive around with a crazy, indestructible killer robot on her tail for eleven hours, while he summons a karate-kicking, butch-looking female scientist with a skunky mullet from Houston. She flies in, Coldyron picks her up, takes her on a leisurely drive to her hotel, where she checks in and changes clothes. Remember that Sonya is still driving around the city being chased by R.O.T.O.R.

Finally, all three humans trap the robot near a fishing lake. Even though Coldyron left his truck a mile away to walk through the woods to the lake, it somehow magically appears just when he needs some equipment from it, namely primer cord, which we saw him blasting stumps with during the interminable opening reel. While the female scientist, Dr. Steel, tries beating the crap out of the robot (unsuccessfully), Coldyron tries to make it walk into a simplistic noose trap so he can blow it up real good.

I hope I haven't made R.O.T.O.R. sound fun or interesting, because it ain't. Coldyron, a grouchy sort in blue jeans and a bushy mustache, is a pretentious sort who never speaks one word when 100 flowery ones will do. The performances are terrible across the board, and many of the major stars are dubbed by actors from Adam Rourke's acting school. Obviously, plot and continuity are for shit. Except for a weird stop-motion robot skeleton briefly seen during a dull exposition boardroom scene, there are few special effects. Action is practically non-existant, although a dopey barroom brawl between R.O.T.O.R. and three ignorant rednecks is amusing in its incompetence.

I killed some time while folding my whites to watch another episode of DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDERCOVER (am I the only one to notice that the show changed its title mid-run from DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDER COVER?). It isn't of much interest, except that it guest-starred Heather Thomas as a teenage girl victimized by a killer pimp. Heather later co-starred with Lee Majors on THE FALL GUY and posed for posters that adorned the bedroom walls of nearly every boy of the 1980's. The series wasn't shy about using her stunning body either, since she waltzed through the opening title sequence every week in a pink bikini that left little to the imagination.

Hell, I Did It Again
I went out to buy groceries today, but never made it to the store, because I stopped off to check out Family Video's "2 VHS Tapes for $3" sale. Bad idea. I left with $30 worth of tapes. The idea of these old out-of-print videos ending up in a dumpster someplace just kills me, especially considering many of these movies will likely never end up on DVD. I would hate for some obscure picture to just vanish forever, whether anybody actually wants to see it or not. Just the archivist in me, I suppose.

Here's what I got today:
BARBARIAN QUEEN and BARBARIAN QUEEN II: Lana Clarkson, the six-foot blonde allegedly shot to death by Phil Spector, gets naked and gets violent in these sword-and-sorcery cheapies lensed in Argentina by executive producer Roger Corman.

MOVING TARGET: Michael Dudikoff and Billy Dee Williams together again for the first time.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, PART 2: The original is one of the funniest, sleaziest horror films I've ever seen. I expect this to be less entertaining, but I've heard it has some laughs.

ARMED RESPONSE: A Fred Olen Ray action movie starring David Carradine and Lee Van Cleef.

SANCTUARY OF FEAR: Made-for-TV movies from the 1970's are very rare on DVD, and it's doubtful that, regardless of its quality, this pilot for a FATHER BROWN mystery series starring Barnard Hughes as G.K. Chesterton's sleuth will ever be seen again.

NASHVILLE BEAT: Same with this TV-movie reunited ADAM-12 stars Martin Milner and Kent McCord.

BIG BAD MAMA II: Angie's body double gets busy with Robert Culp's body double, while the little girls from ARCHIE BUNKER'S PLACE and GROWING PAINS pop their tops.

STEEL DAWN: Yes, a post-apocalyptic SF/action movie starring Patrick Swayze.

FUTURE ZONE: David Carradine has a flying robot arm.

THE FIFTH FLOOR: Creepy horror about a young woman trapped with a bunch of mental patients.

EYE OF THE EAGLE: Robert Patrick goes to 'Nam in this Philippines-produced war movie.

SPACE RAGE: Michael Pare is sentenced to a desert prison planet.

CLEOPATRA JONES AND THE CASINO OF GOLD: When is this action-packed blaxploitation movie hitting DVD?

THE STRANGER AND THE GUNFIGHTER: Lee Van Cleef and Lo Lieh in a kung fu western about treasure hunters following a map tattooed on the asses of prostitutes. I saw this at the drive-in when I was about 8.

SATAN'S PRINCESS: Robert Forster + Bert I. Gordon + naked Lydie Denier should = hilarity.

THE SEDUCTION: I don't recall liking this tame '80s slasher movie, but for a few seconds of Morgan Fairchild topless, it's worth the buck-fifty.

R.O.T.O.R.: A notoriously bad killer-robot-on-the-rampage flick. I'm curious about this one.

STONE COLD: Kick fucking ass. Undercover cop Brian Bosworth vs. evil biker Lance Henriksen in a stunt-filled extravaganza by the director of I COME IN PEACE.

ROLLER BLADE: I'm also curious about this naked-chicks-on-roller-skates-post-nuke whatever-it-is.

Damn Cincinnati Bengals blew it in the first round of the NFL playoffs today, dropping 31-17 to Pittsburgh. Considering Pro Bowl quarterback Carson Palmer blew out his knee on the second damn play of the game, what else could we expect?

THE WEST WING returned to NBC tonight with its first episode since the death of actor John Spencer last month. Martin Sheen appeared at the beginning to set the stage and pay tribute to Spencer. Ironically, the episode was Spencer-centric, focusing on the upcoming Vice-Presidential debate. He was marvelous in it, as he usually was, and it's hard to believe he's gone. I still wonder how John Wells will write Spencer out of the series.

Less than three weeks to B-Fest!

An Underrated Great
Now Playing: BARNEY MILLER
It's a mystery to me why BARNEY MILLER is so rarely seen these days. An enormous popular and critical hit during its 1975-1983 ABC run, it has only been sporadically rerun in the two decades since (including briefly on TV Land) and its only DVD release to date is its first season two years ago this month. Presumably BARNEY MILLER: THE FIRST SEASON didn't sell that well, or else we would have seen Season Two by now. Oddly, NIGHT COURT, an '80s sitcom that blatantly ripped off BARNEY MILLER, is still widely seen in syndication and DVD (NIGHT COURT was a good show, but was more cartoonish with less believable characters than BARNEY).

Catching up with the first of Season One's two-disc DVD set this weekend, the problem could be that the earliest BARNEY MILLER episodes were not as good. I'm not saying that they aren't good, just not great, like the show would become the following year when the show got its bearings. Sitcom episodes are normally taped in one evening before a live studio audience, but BARNEY was notorious for its all-night shoots and last-minute script changes by executive producer Danny Arnold, so the live audience was soon scrapped. Perhaps the chaotic atmosphere in which the series was produced contributed to its awkward beginnings.

Originally conceived as a contrast between the professional and personal life of a Manhattan police captain named Barney Miller (played by Broadway veteran Hal Linden, cast by Arnold against the wishes of ABC, which wanted a known TV personality in the role), the show eventually phased out Barney's home and family almost entirely. Although Barbara Barrie is good in the role of Barney's wife Elizabeth, the scenes involving her and Barney's two children are weak and "sitcomy"--there's nothing here that we haven't seen in a hundred other domestic sitcoms.

But no comedy had ever before taken such a realistic and bitingly funny view of police work. The 1970's produced some of the finest ensemble comedy casts in TV history--THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, TAXI, ALL IN THE FAMILY, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW--and BARNEY MILLER deserves a berth among them. From Linden on down, BARNEY's cast--and there was considerable turnover during the years--was never less than believable, three-dimensional and hilarious.

The show's best-loved character was undoubtedly Phil Fish, the broken-down, fedora-sporting old cop played by Abe Vigoda. It's odd to think of Vigoda still being alive more than 30 years after the pilot was filmed, since his characterization of a well-past-middle-aged detective plagued by aches and pains was dead-on (heh). Vigoda's sense of comic timing is stunning in these early episodes, particularly in one where he's attempting to dispose of a bomb left in the precinct house. Vigoda left the series after three seasons for a spinoff, FISH, which is also coming to DVD later this year.

Also in the regular cast the first year: Max Gail as the overexuberant Wojciehowicz ("Wojo"), a somewhat dimbrained but tremendously complex character; Ron Glass (seen only twice in the first nine episodes) as the natty black detective Harris; Jack Soo as the befuddled gambling addict Yemana; and Gregory Sierra as the hotheaded Puerto Rican Chano Amengual. Sierra's stint was even shorter than Vigoda's; he also left for his own sitcom, A.E.S. HUDSON STREET, which turned out to be a bomb.

Among BARNEY MILLER's most rabid audience were real-life police officers, who appreciated the characters' realistic, sensitive portrayals and the ability to mine big laughs out of circumstances that were often quite tragic. The precinct setting allowed the writers a wide range of guest characters and odd situations, but unlike M*A*S*H, BARNEY MILLER never allowed things to get too serious. Although it mined real life for its stories, it never forgot to be funny.

BARNEY MILLER was nominated for an astounding 32 Emmy Awards, including Outstanding Comedy Series all seven seasons it was on the air. Ironically, it only won in its seventh year--after ABC had already cancelled the show.

While you won't be getting top-grade BARNEY MILLER, you should give the DVDs a spin anyway, as there is much in the first season to love. Its multi-cultural cast is practically unheard of in TV sitcoms today where every show is either all-white or all-black (and can you imagine the late Jack Soo landing a TV gig these days?), and its ability to reflect the uncertainty of the post-Watergate '70s without becoming heavy-handed or issues-oriented is admirable.