Well, If Anyone Would Know...

...it would be Richard Dawson. I've seen enough FAMILY FEUD to know that.

Um. Ouch.
Yikes. I'm a little sore right now. I played basketball after work. Well, more like we shot baskets, but we did it for two hours. That was two hours of being on my feet, chasing rebounds, jumping around, no sitting (or very little). My shot is terrible too. If I were to hazard a guess as to my shooting percentage, I'm sure it's under 20%. There was some ugly hoops going on this evening. Still, it was a good time, and I enjoyed a tasty pork chop sandwich at Esquire afterward.

So you were asking for more ROCKFORD FILES reviews? Yeah, you were.

OK, so now that everyone is gone, here's "Exit Prentiss Carr". It would be interesting if somebody were to keep count of all the times Rockford was either arrested or just harassed by the police. Jim manages to avoid the clink in this episode, but the small-town detectives played by venerable character actors Warren Kemmerling and Mills Watson (later to portray a more comedic corrupt cop in THE MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO) do rough him up a little bit (“I bruise easy.”).

One important lesson taught by 1970’s TV is that you should never, ever pass through a small town where nobody knows you. Particularly if that town is located in the South. Just about every TV detective ended up poking around one--Mannix, Cannon, Charlie’s Angels--and it always led to trouble. Not as bad as the TV-movie NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY, where two luscious coeds ended up in a womens’ work farm after getting raped by sheriff Chuck Connors and ogled by pervy warden Robert Reed, but bad enough.

In this episode, Rockford enters Bay City in search of Prentiss Carr, the husband of Jim’s old flame Janet (Corinne Michaels, who also appeared in many shows billed as “Corinne Camacho”). Rockford finds Carr dead in a motel room and tells the Bay City cops--omitting the part about actually being in the room. The cops call it a suicide, even though the evidence Rockford saw there was obviously that of a murder. He accuses the cops of being corrupt and his client of being her husband’s killer. Typical of a Roy Huggins story, the plot is more complex than that, throwing in blackmail and a late-act red herring.

It’s a pretty good episode with good dialogue and another car chase (every episode up to this point had one). Cult movie fans will enjoy a brief wordless performance by the delicious Roberta Collins, a pretty good actress who never really got out of B-movies. She’s probably most memorable as one of the convicts in THE BIG DOLL HOUSE, the sex-crazed con who tries to seduce a man by pointing a knife at his junk and warning him, “Get it up or I’ll cut it off!” Director Alex Grasshoff was a three-time Academy Award nominee for Best Documentary who turned to episodic dramatic television around this time, presumably for the bucks and the comfort of steady work. In 1974, he also worked on GET CHRISTIE LOVE, KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER and THE ROOKIES.

Only 900 Miles There And 900 Miles Back
Spent the evening with LD, Train Guy and their wives grilling huge steaks and watching SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT on DVD. Life don't get much better than that. Considering the many times I've seen SMOKEY and the countless evenings at Tres Hombres my friend Jerome and I spent reenacting entire scenes from the movie, I've got the whole thing pretty much memorized by now. How anyone could ever get tired of Burt Reynolds telling cops to "f.o." while jumping bridges in a sweet Trans Am, I'll never understand.

SMOKEY II--not so good. SMOKEY 3--the less said, the better. The only thing that interests me about the third movie is the rumor (is it more than that?) that it was originally shot as SMOKEY IS THE BANDIT with Jackie Gleason donning Burt's cowboy hat. The result was reportedly unreleaseable, forcing Universal to lure in Jerry Reed to drive the Trans Am and play the Bandit opposite Gleason as the sheriff. Reynolds came in for about 12 minutes to shoot a quick cameo, and SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 3 died a deservedly quick box-office death. Now that I have it on DVD, I wonder if I'm brave enough to revisit it. I would definitely watch SMOKEY IS THE BANDIT if a bootleg copy existed.

A lot of great television is coming out on DVD these days. So much that I can't figure whether or not I should buy it all. Partially because of cost and partially because when the hell would I watch it all? I'm simultaneously working my way through Season 1 of THE ROCKFORD FILES and Season 2 of THE WHITE SHADOW now. My three favorite western series are either just out or coming soon on DVD: THE BIG VALLEY, THE WILD WILD WEST and THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY, JR. BRISCO COUNTY is an absolute must-buy; I've been waiting for this set ever since it was rumored back in the '90s that star Bruce Campbell had recorded audio commentaries for them. THE WILD WILD WEST has a lot of extras, including commentary by Robert Conrad, which may make Season 1 (the b&w year) a sure-buy too. THE BIG VALLEY, a great show, basically a gender-switched BONANZA with matriarch Barbara Stanwyck looking over her three sons (and daughter Linda Evans), another I want to catch up with. Perhaps that's one I should Netflix (as I'm doing now with WHITE SHADOW).

A definite must-buy is one of my favorite shows, period. Season 1 of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE is coming to DVD in September. When it was first announced, I expected Paramount to start with Season 2, which was the year Peter Graves took over as the star. However, the studio is starting from the beginning, when the great Steven Hill headed a cast that also included Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Greg Morris and Peter Lupus. Hill proved to be an enormous pain in the ass for everyone involved with the series, including executive producer Bruce Geller, who fought to cast Hill against the vehement wishes of CBS execs who didn't want him. Hill was basically fired before the season even ended, which was likely fine with all parties. Graves, already a dependable TV actor, became an international star through running the Impossible Missions Force for the next six seasons, so I'm sure he was happy to get the gig.

Extras or not (and none have yet been announced), M:I is going to be in my Top Ten DVDs of 2006. I like the box design, although I don't know why Paramount didn't use the original show logo. I have no idea where this one came from. Was it for the first Tom Cruise movie?

Hypocrisy or Bigotry? Does It Make A Difference?
So President Bush is pushing for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriages because of "activist judges" that overrule state laws that prohibit them. Isn't that exactly what Brown v. Board of Education did in 1954? The Supreme Court decision that overruled state laws that demanded black schoolchildren and white schoolchildren be segregated? Or how about Loving v. Virginia, the 1967 Supreme Court decision that overturned Virginia's law against interracial marriages? That was nine "activist judges" striking down a bullshit law, a law that attempted to tell American citizens who and who they could not marry.

Is there an intelligent person anywhere who believes the justices in the Brown or the Loving cases were wrong? How can someone possibly agree with those landmark civil rights decisions, and yet come down on the side for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriages? And cite "activist judges" as the reason?

Is it possible that George W. Bush and the (mostly Republican) senators in favor of the amendment hate blacks just as much as they hate homosexuals? How about you? Do you despise "activist judges" that rule against unfair laws written out of bigotry and hate? Do you believe blacks and whites shouldn't marry?

More Fi'dies. Approximately.
LD listed some of his Top 50 in the Comments section awhile back. They're pretty good ones too:

"Deserve's got nothing to do with it."--Eastwood, UNFORGIVEN.
"We all got it comin', kid." Eastwood, UNFORGIVEN
"Fuck the bonus." Rutger Hauer, WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.
"No you won't." Charles Bronson, 10 TO MIDNIGHT
"What heart?" Gabriel Byrne, MILLER'S CROSSING
"It's a cold sore. It only acts up around morons." Gabriel Byrne to the Dane in MILLER'S CROSSING
"I'm a mean vindictive sunuvabitch." Charles Bronson, 10 TO MIDNIGHT
"Nothing's gonna' stop us now!" DIRTY MARY & CRAZY LARRY
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe." Rutger Hauer, BLADERUNNER
"He's a pacifist. And you know he has emotional problems, man." "You mean beyond pacifism?" Goodman, THE BIG LEBOWSKI
"I . . . I'm cooperating here!" William H., FARGO
"I'm an eccentric millionare." Charles Bronson, MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
"They're afraid — she's afraid — of me, you, him... all of us. Farmers. Their families told them we'd rape them. Well, we might. In my opinion, though, you might have given us the benefit of the doubt." Yul Brenner, MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
"All right, we waste him. No offense!" Hicks, ALIENS
"I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids." Gen. Ripper, DR. STRANGELOVE
"You sounded . . . taller on the radio." Buford T. Justice, SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT
"Raymond Shaw is the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life." Sinatra, MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE
"Never have anything in your life that you can't walk out on in thirty seconds flat, if you spot the heat coming around the corner." De Niro, HEAT
"Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets." De Niro, TAXI DRIVER
"You think I'm funny? Funny how? Funny like a clown?" Pesci, GOOD FELLAS
"So pretty please with sugar on top, clean the fucking car." Keitel, PULP FICTION
"AK-47--when you absolutely, positively gotta' kill every muthafucker in the room, accept no substitutes." Sam Jackson, JACKIE BROWN

The Gabriel Byrne mentions remind me of my favorite Byrne moment, which is in a bad Schwarzeneggar movie called END OF DAYS. A minion of Satan (or something like that) possesses Byrne in a trendy restaurant and forces him to leave (so he can blow it up). On his way out, he sees a sexy woman on a date. He stops by her table and impulsively puts his hand down her cleavage to fondle her breast while he kisses her. The date gets pissed, the neighboring diners are shocked, but the woman appears to like it. A few minutes later, they're all killed in the explosion. I've always wanted to do that since watching that movie. Make out with a hot stranger in public, not blow up a building.

La Contessa
Now Playing: THE ROCKFORD FILES
The beautiful Susan Strasberg was the main guest star in “The Countess,” in which she played Debbie Ryder, a former gangster’s-girlfriend who jumped bail in Chicago and ran off to Europe, where she met and married a count. After her husband’s death, she met another man, a rough-and-tumble American businessman (played by Art Lund, memorable as the corrupt cop who gave Fred Williamson such a hard time in BLACK CAESAR), married him, and moved to Los Angeles with him. There, she runs into smarmy Carl (game-show regular Dick Gautier), who recognizes her from her Chicago mug shot and blackmails her. “La Contessa” hires Rockford to get Carl off her back, which leads to a memorable scene where he tries (unsuccessfully) to physically intimidate the thug on a private beach (“I’ll come back here and pound sand down your throat.”). Carl is shot to death by a sniper, and police lieutenant Diel (Tom Atkins, later a John Carpenter regular) makes Rockford the #1 suspect.

Co-creator/producer Stephen J. Cannell was still working on ROCKFORD’s trademark idiosyncrasy in this episode, which was one of the first to be filmed and looks a lot like Universal’s other crime dramas of the era like MCCLOUD and MCMILLAN AND WIFE. Artie Kane scored it, probably because the studio wasn't yet on board with Cannell and Mike Post's idea of a rock-based score, something which was unheard of in TV crime dramas at the time.

Cannell and star James Garner were still trying to get as much character-based humor into the show as possible, against the wishes of the network, which wanted a straight-forward private-eye show. That ROCKFORD was something entirely different is evident in a scene in which Rockford, on the hook for Carl’s murder, tells Debbie that he’ll spill her secret to the cops before he’ll let them toss him in jail for murder (to which she replies, “Chivalry really is dead, isn’t it?”). Rockford is a moral man, but he ain’t about to let that stand in the way of a murder rap. Sounds like a common case of self-preservation, but there ain’t no way that Mannix or Richard Diamond would reveal a trusted secret just to save their own asses.

Look closely and you’ll see a blond James Cromwell playing a tennis instructor. According to the Internet Movie Database, this ROCKFORD FILES may have been his first television role, although he went on to several guest shots as Archie’s work buddy Stretch Cunningham on ALL IN THE FAMILY. Cromwell did tons of TV shows and small parts in movies until finally achieving great mainstream success (and an Oscar nod) twenty years later as Father Hoggett in BABE. Cromwell continues to rack up credits, including a regular gig on SIX FEET UNDER, Eddie Albert’s role in the LONGEST YARD remake, and the late, lamented Captain Stacy in the upcoming SPIDER-MAN 3.

Toothpaste Is A Legitimate Expense
Now Playing: THE ROCKFORD FILES
ROCKFORD's second episode, "The Dark and Bloody Ground," is an interesting mystery based upon an arcane copyright law (still on the books?) that ruled that if an author sold the rights to his novel to a third party, but died before the copyright had lapsed, then the third party lost those rights--regardless of how much they had paid for them or how long they had them--and the rights reverted to the late author's spouse. I imagine this was a piece of trivia screenwriter Roy Huggins had picked up somewhere along the road and filed it in the back of his head as a possible story hook. He gave it to Juanita Bartlett, who penned her first ROCKFORD FILES teleplay from it.

Michael Schultz, one of episodic TV's first black directors, helmed it. He was quite inexperienced in television at the time, which may explain why he never did another ROCKFORD. The episode plays pretty well, but much of the dialogue is obviously post-synched, and a car chase fills almost half an act, which may have been the editor's way of padding a short episode to an appropriate length. It sounds like I'm looking for evidence of Schultz's incompetence, but I'm really not. The episode has three (!) car chases that are staged well and one scene between Rockford (James Garner) and Beth Davenport (Gretchen Corbett) that's full of exposition, but Schultz stages it (in a very small set) with a lot of movement, humor and characterization.

Beth (pictured above), an old flame of Rockford's (as we learn through some clever dialogue asides and the natural chemistry between the actors) and an attorney, enlists the detective to help prove the innocence of her pro bono client, a woman accused of killing her husband in a motel room. I say "enlists" rather than "hires," because Beth attempts to coax a freebie out of Jim, who says he doesn't "do charity cases" and eventually compromises on a fee (that we know he ain't gonna get paid anyway).

Rockford eventually finds the real killer, but not before a suspenseful desert chase that finds him being pursued and nearly run off a mountain by a semi in an action sequence probably inspired by DUEL, which was a Universal TV-movie telecast just a couple of years earlier. Interestingly, the sequence plays mostly without music, just as DUEL often did. (Also of interest is that this is one of the few ROCKFORDs not scored by Mike Post and Pete Carpenter. Dick deBenedictis did this one.)

Gretchen Corbett was a Universal contract player who went on to appear in many ROCKFORD episodes. Despite their age difference, she and Garner were believable as a couple, although they were mostly "just friends" on the show. Corbett was definitely an important part of the ROCKFORD "family"--the show's beloved supporting characters that helped the show stand out from other crime dramas of the period--but was dropped from the series in later seasons. Reportedly, it was because she had played out her contract with Universal, which did not want to pay her a higher fee to come back as a freelance guest star. It's too bad, because she certainly was missed.

Ugliest Unis Ever?
Here's lefty Fred Norman's San Diego Padres Topps card, I think from 1973:

That is a lovely shade of brown, isn't it? It meshes well with the baby-food yellow. '70s fashions rule.

Not to pick on Norman, who was actually a pretty decent pitcher. He's one of the few major leaguers to have "Hubert" as a middle name. He was a switchhitter--unusual for a pitcher. He was short and didn't throw hard. He sported what seemed to be a permanent 5 o'clock shadow. And he stayed in the majors for a long time--16 full or partial seasons.

Norman was a member of the 1975 and 1976 World Champion Cincinnati Reds, primarily as a #4 starter. He won 12 games both seasons, but none in the World Series. He retired in 1980 at the age of 37 with a lifetime record of 104-103 and an ERA of 3.64. Not a bad little career. Except for when he had to wear those nasty-ass Padre uniforms.

More Fi'dies
In case you haven't gone back to read any comments, here are some replies to last week's post about my Top 50 Movie Moments.

Hal Horn wrote:

"24,000? That's too...." Marshal Lucky battling high prices in USED CARS
"I'm still here, you bastards!" Steve McQueen floats out to freedom in PAPILLON
"No one's allowed to smoke..." Groucho outlines his platform for leadership, DUCK SOUP
Pam Grier's wonderfully fake Jamaican accent and subsequent catfight, COFFY (actually, I could probably make a list of 25 Pam Grier moments alone :)
"Springtime for Hitler", THE PRODUCERS
"No, we won't.".....has there ever been a more perfect Bronson ending than 10 TO MIDNIGHT?
"Blue! 69! Blue! 69!".....the original LONGEST YARD
The entire hour from 10-11 P.M. at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing, WHO'S MINDING THE MINT?
Buster Keaton vs. the cannibals, THE NAVIGATOR
Buster Keaton vs. the waterfall, OUR HOSPITALITY
Forrest Tucker vs. the rocket-launching VW's, THUNDER RUN
"Where's your Messiah nowwwww!" Edward G. Robinson in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
"No, you brought two too many." the opening, ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST
"No, dueling is stupid!" Forrest Tucker and Bruce Cabot duel...with wet mops(!), ROCK ISLAND TRAIL
Lon Chaney Sr.'s reaction when he realizes he's lost Joan Crawford, THE UNKNOWN
Charles Bronson and Ed Lauter walk down the street side-by-side gunning down scum, DEATH WISH 3
Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly, you know the scene, BOUND,
Also a nod to Joe Pantoliano in the same ("What? I didn't use a good towel.")
Paul Muni's performance in SCARFACE: THE SHAME OF THE NATION (1932 version)
Andy Griffith's performance in A FACE IN THE CROWD; also a nod to the Vitajex commercial in the same movie.
"You knows I likes big titties!" Warren Oates provides one of the many jaw-dropping moments in DRUM
"Deny, deny, deny!" Joey Bishop demonstrates Robert Morse's theory, A GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN
One more Tuck moment: the interrogation at the anthill, BARQUERO
The huddle-cam, H.O.T.S.

Personally, I could probably do a Top 50 USED CARS Moments if I wanted to. From Matt Farkas:

The huge shit-eating grin on Gene Kelly's face when he looks up at the camera and sings, "There's a SMILE on my face!" in SINGIN' IN THE RAIN.
Jane Fonda's zero-gravity striptease during the opening credits of BARBARELLA.
The heart-breaking denouement in John Ford's HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY.
"No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to die!" GOLDFINGER.
The kiss and cuddle in the rain between George Peppard, Audrey Hepburn, and Cat at the end of BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S.
Tim Curry in THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.
Racquel Welch's fur bikini in ONE MILLION B.C.
"Ordinary people...I hate 'em!" Harry Dean Stanton, REPO MAN.
The tour of the Krell furnaces in FORBIDDEN PLANET.
"You won't find it down there, Columbus!" Tura Satana, FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!
And my own favorite H.O.T.S. moment - Angela Aames amazingly kinetic display of quivering, jiggling, bouncing, unfettered sweater-meat during the wet t-shirt contest, clearly besting the film's actual winners Susan Kiger and Lindsay Bloom (who somehow ekes out a win while wearing an opaque green tee and a BRA, fercryanoutloud!).

Did Lindsay Bloom ever do a nude scene? I don't remember one...and I would think that I would remember it. It's interesting that we all had H.O.T.S. on our list. An amazing coincidence, don't you think? So help me H.O.T.S.

Hey, Good Lookin'! We'll Be Back To Pick You Up Later
I'd say this and the FREEDOM ROCK spot are probably the best-remembered schlocky TV commercials of the late-'70s and early-'80s. Did anybody--anybody--ever buy a Mr. Microphone and spice up a boring party with it?

Of course, professional musicians used it. Riiiiiight.