An Underrated Great
Now Playing: BARNEY MILLER
It's a mystery to me why BARNEY MILLER is so rarely seen these days. An enormous popular and critical hit during its 1975-1983 ABC run, it has only been sporadically rerun in the two decades since (including briefly on TV Land) and its only DVD release to date is its first season two years ago this month. Presumably BARNEY MILLER: THE FIRST SEASON didn't sell that well, or else we would have seen Season Two by now. Oddly, NIGHT COURT, an '80s sitcom that blatantly ripped off BARNEY MILLER, is still widely seen in syndication and DVD (NIGHT COURT was a good show, but was more cartoonish with less believable characters than BARNEY).

Catching up with the first of Season One's two-disc DVD set this weekend, the problem could be that the earliest BARNEY MILLER episodes were not as good. I'm not saying that they aren't good, just not great, like the show would become the following year when the show got its bearings. Sitcom episodes are normally taped in one evening before a live studio audience, but BARNEY was notorious for its all-night shoots and last-minute script changes by executive producer Danny Arnold, so the live audience was soon scrapped. Perhaps the chaotic atmosphere in which the series was produced contributed to its awkward beginnings.

Originally conceived as a contrast between the professional and personal life of a Manhattan police captain named Barney Miller (played by Broadway veteran Hal Linden, cast by Arnold against the wishes of ABC, which wanted a known TV personality in the role), the show eventually phased out Barney's home and family almost entirely. Although Barbara Barrie is good in the role of Barney's wife Elizabeth, the scenes involving her and Barney's two children are weak and "sitcomy"--there's nothing here that we haven't seen in a hundred other domestic sitcoms.

But no comedy had ever before taken such a realistic and bitingly funny view of police work. The 1970's produced some of the finest ensemble comedy casts in TV history--THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, TAXI, ALL IN THE FAMILY, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW--and BARNEY MILLER deserves a berth among them. From Linden on down, BARNEY's cast--and there was considerable turnover during the years--was never less than believable, three-dimensional and hilarious.

The show's best-loved character was undoubtedly Phil Fish, the broken-down, fedora-sporting old cop played by Abe Vigoda. It's odd to think of Vigoda still being alive more than 30 years after the pilot was filmed, since his characterization of a well-past-middle-aged detective plagued by aches and pains was dead-on (heh). Vigoda's sense of comic timing is stunning in these early episodes, particularly in one where he's attempting to dispose of a bomb left in the precinct house. Vigoda left the series after three seasons for a spinoff, FISH, which is also coming to DVD later this year.

Also in the regular cast the first year: Max Gail as the overexuberant Wojciehowicz ("Wojo"), a somewhat dimbrained but tremendously complex character; Ron Glass (seen only twice in the first nine episodes) as the natty black detective Harris; Jack Soo as the befuddled gambling addict Yemana; and Gregory Sierra as the hotheaded Puerto Rican Chano Amengual. Sierra's stint was even shorter than Vigoda's; he also left for his own sitcom, A.E.S. HUDSON STREET, which turned out to be a bomb.

Among BARNEY MILLER's most rabid audience were real-life police officers, who appreciated the characters' realistic, sensitive portrayals and the ability to mine big laughs out of circumstances that were often quite tragic. The precinct setting allowed the writers a wide range of guest characters and odd situations, but unlike M*A*S*H, BARNEY MILLER never allowed things to get too serious. Although it mined real life for its stories, it never forgot to be funny.

BARNEY MILLER was nominated for an astounding 32 Emmy Awards, including Outstanding Comedy Series all seven seasons it was on the air. Ironically, it only won in its seventh year--after ABC had already cancelled the show.

While you won't be getting top-grade BARNEY MILLER, you should give the DVDs a spin anyway, as there is much in the first season to love. Its multi-cultural cast is practically unheard of in TV sitcoms today where every show is either all-white or all-black (and can you imagine the late Jack Soo landing a TV gig these days?), and its ability to reflect the uncertainty of the post-Watergate '70s without becoming heavy-handed or issues-oriented is admirable.

Just Like A White Shadow
I finally finished Netflixing all 15 episodes of THE WHITE SHADOW's first season. It's marvelous television, originally airing during the 1978-79 CBS season, and I'm looking forward to the impending DVD release of Season Two.

It reminds me of how diverse network television used to be. Today, when you turn on prime time, all you see are cops and lawyers and doctors, for the most part. Where are the TV series about teachers and basketball coaches and restaurant owners and spies and private detectives and firemen and reporters and, hell, anybody who doesn't wear a badge? There are two shows about psychics who are really cops (MEDIUM and GHOST WHISPERER) and one about a coroner who is really a cop (CROSSING JORDAN, which used to co-star Ken Howard as the lead's father). Two new SF shows, INVASION and the cancelled THRESHOLD, were about cops. There's nothing wrong with many of these shows (and there are a few WEST WINGs and LOSTs and other series out there that are doing something different), but it would be nice to have something else too.

I've always loved cop shows, but the number of stories that, say, LAW & ORDER can tell is finite due to its format and structure. THE WHITE SHADOW used its backdrop of a tough but caring white basketball coach in a Los Angeles ghetto high school and his twelve diverse players to examine social issues of the day. The show also comes from a period when television dramas were about something. I watch and enjoy several contemporary dramas, but few of them really tackle important issues the way THE WHITE SHADOW did (THE PRACTICE was one that did for awhile, until David E. Kelley let the series degenerate into banal shock effects and awkward black comedy).

The latter half of the first season found Coach Ken Reeves (Ken Howard's best role to date) belting one of his students in self-defense, point guard Thorpe (Kevin Hooks, now an in-demand director) dating a white girl with a loose rep, insecure Jew Goldstein's (Ken Michelman) attempt to fit in with his hip black teammates, and a new player (Peter Horton) dealing with his homosexuality.

You may remember that I wrote a bit a few months back about DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDER COVER. Well, now I have a full run of the series to look at, the first time I've seen it in many years. Through the first three episodes (I think nine is all they did), it's not really any worse than most typical cop dramas of the period. Sure, the ludicrous title sinks it, but with a better one, probably no one would remember the show at all.

Former PARTRIDGE FAMILY frontman David Cassidy is Dan Shay, a young and, more importantly, young-looking undercover police detective who uses his deceptive looks to infiltrate criminal organizations. In "Baby Makes Three", he becomes a college student in order to be recruited by an oily mastermind who assigns young men and women--strangers to one another--to sleep together and make babies for him to sell to childless couples. "Cage of Steel" found Shay in prison to expose Lobo (Frank Converse), a crime kingpin who ordered the murder of Shay's colleague.

Aside from its title and the dullest opening-title sequence any cop show ever had, DAVID CASSIDY's main stumbling block is...David Cassidy. He looks like he stands about 5'5" (co-star Simon Oakland as his boss, Sgt. Abrams) and certainly doesn't have the sand to walk tall against some of the baddies. In fact, he looked downright fey bashing a chair over the head of a scoundrel in the prison laundry.

It at least possesses solid production values, a good amount of action (something else sadly missing from current crime dramas) and the realistic cinematography common to NBC cop shows. It was executive-produced by David Gerber and produced by Mark Rodgers and Mel Swope, all veterans of POLICE STORY, an anthology series about policemen that was one of the '70s top dramatic series. With a pedigree like that, you wouldn't be wrong to expect more from DAVID CASSIDY--MAN UNDER COVER, but with its title and star, you wouldn't be wrong to expect less either.

'Twas Peter Jackson's Ego That Killed This Beast
Now Playing: KING KONG (2005)
The best thing I can say about KING KONG is that there's a really good two-hour movie in there.

* Did we really need two scenes where Ann entertains Kong with her vaudeville routine? The second one where she juggles is wonderful, but its impact is slighter than it should have been, since we have already seen her do this.

* Did we really need two scenes where Englehorn comes out of nowhere (and unbelievably quickly too, judging from the timeline) to save the cast? Smells like lazy writing.

* If Jackson wanted to make a movie about Jimmy the Stowaway and His Dignified Black Friend Hayes, I wish he had so I could have elected to not see it. I have no idea why these characters got so much screen time. They added nothing emotionally or narratively that I noticed.

* Will directors please learn that slow motion is not scary nor does it build suspense? The only scene worse than a minute-and-a-half of Naomi Watts looking at chloroform bottles in slow motion is Adrien Brody's typewriter spelling S-K-U-L-L-I-S-L-A-N-D one letter at a time.

* Jimmy fires a machine gun point-blank at Driscoll...and amazingly only hits the small creatures crawling on him!

* Ann Darrow should be a stuntwoman, not an actress. Not only can she easily fall hundreds of feet, bouncing off walls and vines on the way down, without even getting one scratch on her (or a smudge of mud), she doesn't even suffer whiplash from being tossed and whipped around at high speeds. Heck, she can even stand on top of the Empire State Building in the dead of winter without getting cold or being blown off.

* Peter Jackson obviously never learned that Less Is More. Kong fights a pterodactyl in the 1933 movie, so he has to fight 20 million giant bats in this one.

* Argh, the pacing was so off. It isn't so much that entire scenes needed to be snipped out (although some do--ice skating sequence, I'm talking to you), but several shots and scenes go on forever. Was it necessary for the final goodbye between Kong and Ann to take three or four minutes? Does it really take more than 25 seconds for us to get The Point that She Feels Sympathy For The Big Brute?

* The original filmmakers shot a spider pit sequence too, but they removed it because it stopped the story. That doesn't stop Peter Jackson, to whom story and pacing take a backseat to his own ego. His spider pit scene also halts the film's momentum, although it certainly isn't the only one.

As I said, there's a good movie trapped beneath all the fat. Naomi Watts is terrific. No question that if a giant monkey was to fall in love with a human female, she would be Naomi Watts. The rest of the cast was fine as well. I even thought Jack Black was okay, although it was a mistake for Jackson to make him such an unrepentant asshole and then not punish him for it. Robert Armstrong survived the '33 KONG, but his huckster was likable in a way that Black is not. Charles Grodin played Denham as a jackass and got squashed to audience applause.

Most of the visual effects are excellent. I'm not a CGI enthusiast, but the matte renderings of New York City were wonderful, and I have nothing but praise for the exciting biplane climax.

The music is drab, not that you can hear beneath all the caterwauling and sound effects. Considering James Newton Howard's score was a late replacement for Howard Shore's, I wonder how "bad" Shore's must have been. I have a hunch it's actually better.

Those who watch the closing crawl will discover a sweet acknowledgement of Merian Cooper, Ernest Schoedsack, Willis O'Brien, Robert Armstrong and "the incomparable Fay Wray"'s inspiration.

Jackson deserves his props for putting the Wilhelm Scream in his movie. Did you hear it?

What Else Have I Been Watching?
Now Playing: COLUMBO
Talk about squaresville! Screenwriters Hymie the Robot from GET SMART (Dick Gautier) and the host of THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES (Peter Marshall) expose themselves with MARYJANE, a 1968 anti-drug screed starring Fabian as a pot-smoking art teacher. Well, actually he only smoked once (and he inhaled!) in college, which is enough for the local police chief to brand him a “dope fiend”. One of his students, rich brat Jordan Bates (Kevin Coughlan), runs the local marijuana trade and frames Fabian by planting some grass in his convertible. After fellow teacher Diane McBain (THE MINI-SKIRT MOB) bails him out, Fabian splits his time between clearing his name (Jordan’s connection drives an ice cream truck) and trying to prevent nerdy student Michael Margotta from getting his brains beaten in by doublecrossed dopers. Some mild swearing and brief nudity seem out-of-place in this naive drama, which perpetuates the myth that pot smokers eventually morph into heroin junkies.

Meet cinema's swishiest action hero in 1982's 1990: THE BRONX WARRIOR, one-half of the Trash (literally) double feature I watched with Grady, Stiner and Chicken Sunday night. Filmed partially in New York, but mostly in Rome, this clunky Italian action movie mixes elements of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE WARRIORS. A beautiful young woman named Ann (Stefania Girolami, the director’s daughter) flees from her jerkwad businessman father into the Bronx, which, in the near-future of 1990, is a lawless No Man’s Land ruled by several different gangs. One of them, roller-skating goons called the Zombies, attacks Ann, but she’s rescued by Trash (Mark Gregory), leader of the motorcycle-riding Riders. Her dad wants her back and dispatches Hammer (Vic Morrow), a corrupt cop, to find her. Fred Williamson brightens up the action as silky Ogre, another gang leader, while Christopher Connelly plugs along as a gimpy truck driver named Hot Dog. It’s all pretty silly--a solo drummer inexplicably plays along to a meeting between Ogre’s and Trash’s gangs at the docks; the various gangs wear theatrical makeup and costumes; Morrow’s character is wildly inconsistent in his tone and actions. If you choose not to follow along with the script and enjoy some good action sequences and gore, I wouldn’t blame you. Gregory, reportedly a non-actor discovered by Castellari in a gym, is perhaps the most fey action hero in history. In an interview on the Shriek Show DVD, Williamson claims he tried to teach Gregory how to walk "less gay". The only part of this movie funnier than Gregory failing to hide his mincing is a stuntman who accidentally wipes out his motorcycle. I have no idea why the director left the shot in, but we were happy that he did.

Is RAW FORCE (1982) the world’s first cannibal/kung fu/zombie movie? Three white dudes from the Burbank Karate School hop aboard a ship owned by Hope Holiday (LOW BLOW) and captained by Cameron Mitchell that takes them past Warriors Island. It’s rumored to be the final resting place for kung fu fighters who used their powers for evil, but still have the ability to rise from their graves if they feel like it. It’s also the home of cannibalistic monks who trade jade to a Nazi white slaver in exchange for naked women to eat. So, of course, Mitchell and a few survivors--including the Burbank guys, some cute women, one of the women’s loudmouthed husband, and Holiday--end up on Warriors Island after the Nazi’s kung fu army invades his ship and sinks it. RAW FORCE is such a gleefully idiotic movie that you have to love it. Writer/director Edward Murphy wallows in the gratuitous nudity, lame comic relief, cheap special effects, and enough lurid plot points for a year’s worth of drive-in movies. It feels like Murphy believed he’d only get one chance to direct a movie, so, by God, he put all of his ideas into the same 90-minute screenplay. The second act drags a bit with a visit to a bordello and a long party scene played mostly for comedy, but everything occurring on Warriors Island is pure trash-movie gold. Cannibals? Naked chicks? Nazis? Zombies? Kung fu? Stuff that blows up real good? A drunk Cameron Mitchell? And Murphy promises a sequel at the end! Oh, how I wish…

Kurt Russell Fights A Giant Robot
Now Playing: SKY HIGH
OK, let me get this out of the way. Kurt Russell fights a giant fucking robot. Kick Fucking Ass!

Who would have expected a charming, relatively low-budget ($35 million, according to the Internet Movie Database) Disney movie to be one of the best superhero adventures ever made? Considering SKY HIGH was directed by Mike Mitchell, whose work includes the stinkeroos DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO and SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, I doubt anybody did. Partnered with screenwriters with extensive Disney credentials, including the animated KIM POSSIBLE superhero series on the Disney Channel, Mitchell has crafted an amusing and exciting family movie that effectively mixes its heroics with more down-to-earth subjects befitting its teen characters.

14-year-old Will Stronghold (Michael Angarano) is attending his first day at Sky High, the same high school his parents attended. It’s a lot to live up to, considering A) it’s a special high school for kids with superpowers, B) Will’s parents are The Commander (Russell) and Jetstream (Kelly Preston), the world’s greatest superheroes, and C) Will, unlike his peers and unbeknownst to his folks, has no inherited powers of his own. Even his best pal Layla (Danielle Panabaker) has the ability to control plant life. At school, Will’s lack of superpowers relegates him to “sidekick” status, along with the girl who can transform herself into a guinea pig and the boy who can glow in the dark.

But what’s this? Turns out that Will is just a late bloomer, his latent super-strength bursting to the surface during a cafeteria brawl with a bully. Suddenly, Gwen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), the beautiful student body president, becomes interested in him, inviting Will to join the rest of the “heroes” and leave his sidekick friends in the dust. Meanwhile, one of his parents’ archenemies is surreptitiously spying on Will’s family in their “secret sanctum”, which doesn’t bode well for the Strongholds’ appearance at the upcoming Homecoming dance.

I loved everything about this movie, starting with the casting and including its judicious use of visual effects that serve the story and its characters, rather than the other way around. Even though the adult performers play second fiddle to the kids, all are a joy to watch. Few actors would be able to make the vainglorious Commander a likable character, but Russell, the most self-effacing of Hollywood movie stars, is wonderfully straight and confident, meshing well with the ageless Preston as his wife and crime-fighting partner. Bruce Campbell gets big laughs as Boomer, the arrogant gym teacher (“Is that your power? Buttkissery?”); Hollywood’s failure to find a use for his comic talent borders on criminal.

SKY HIGH is one of Disney’s most accomplished live-action features in some time, a fantasy that both kids and their parents can enjoy together. Mitchell and his writers have a firm grasp on the way superhero comic books used to be--fast, colorful fun--rather than the dark, violent dirges that have inspired downbeat pictures like DAREDEVIL and the X-MEN franchise. The director also gets the utmost from his special effects budget, staging cute scenes of a flying school bus and major superhero battles with equal panache. Nobody is seriously injured, the bad guys get their just desserts, and everyone lives happily ever after. Who says comic book movies have to be all doom and gloom?

Former Wonder Woman Lynda Carter as the principal, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Cloris Leachman and Broken Lizard’s Kevin Heffernan as a non-superpowered bus driver prop up the adult cast, while the winning juvenile co-stars include Kelly Vitz, Dee Jay Daniels and Stephen Strait.

449
Now Playing: THE WHITE SHADOW
449. That's the number of movies I watched in 2005. Sounds like a lot, but it's actually way down from 2004, when I saw an astounding 588! Maybe I had more of a life this year, as unlikely as it sounds. I can partially attribute the decrease to the growing proliferation of TV shows on DVD. I spent a lot of time this year plowing through episodes of THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE WHITE SHADOW, COLUMBO, DANGER MAN, DRAGNET, THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN and who knows how many more. I've got several TV DVD sets lying around that I've barely even cracked, including four seasons of TWILIGHT ZONE, T.J. HOOKER, BOOMTOWN, KOJAK, L.A. HEAT, LOVE THAT BOB, THE PRISONER...whew.

Of the 449 movies I saw, I watched 252 of them for the first time. As far as the count goes, only feature films count, no matter whether I saw them in a theater, DVD, VHS or on TV.
TV shows don't count, unless they were presented in a format resembling a feature film (for instance, the VHS tape DOUBLE JEOPARDY, which consists of two episodes of DAN AUGUST edited together to form a single, albeit sloppy, narrative).
Made-for-TV movies count.
Documentaries count.
I didn't count short subjects or feature-length making-of documentaries included as DVD extras (for instance, the 2 1/2-hour docu on the KING KONG DVD).
Movie serials count as one long-ass feature.
Multiple viewings each count as a separate movie (for instance, I watched FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY three times, so I marked it down as three "different" movies).
These are my rules; your mileage may vary.

Just for fun, a few stats:
First film of 2005: DELTA FORCE 2
Last film of 2005: NEW YEAR'S EVIL

From the 1930's: 3 (KING KONG, WEST OF SHANGHAI, PRIVATE DETECTIVE)
1940's: 7 (includes two serials: DRUMS OF FU MANCHU and THE CRIMSON GHOST)
1950's: 20
1960's: 40
1970's: 114
1980's: 126
1990's: 72
2000-2004: 47
2005: 20

20 has got to be an all-time low for me, but I just am not so willing anymore to visit a theater to endure 20 (or more if you get there early) minutes of ads, high prices, obnoxious crowds, poor theater conditions, bad sound, shoddy projection and uncomfortable seating, when I can Netflix the same movie a few months later. Or even buy the damn thing for nearly the same price it would cost to buy a ticket and some concessions. Outside of B-Fest in January, I went to the theater only nine times this year. And not since June 25 (BATMAN BEGINS). As much as I used to love the theater-going experience--and back in the '80s and early '90s, I was going once or twice a week, every week--it has deteriorated to the point where I don't care if I ever go back. If someone calls and says, "Hey, let's go to the movies," sure, I'll go, but it's hard for me to drag myself out.

Most in one month:
March: 55
Least in one month:
October: 21 (last year's least was also in October)

Some of the films I saw more than once:
BLACK SHAMPOO
THE CANDY SNATCHERS
CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER
CREATURE
DINOSAUR ISLAND
ENTER THE NINJA
FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (three times)
FRIDAY FOSTER
THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO (2-hour pilot)
HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE
HOLLYWOOD COP (three times)
KARATE BEAR FIGHTER
KING KONG VS. GODZILLA
KING KONG ESCAPES
MAMA'S DIRTY GIRLS
MUTANT HUNT
NIGHTMARE AT NOON
THE OCTAGON
ONE MAN ARMY
RAPE SQUAD
RAW FORCE
ROCK ALL NIGHT
SAMURAI COP
SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2
STUNT ROCK
TENEMENT
VAMPIRE CIRCUS
THE WOMAN HUNT

Least comprehensible title:
THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA: PRISON SHIP: STAR SLAMMER (yes, two colons in one title)
Runner-up:
2+2=5: MISSION HYDRA

Others with numbers in the title:
1941
3 DEV ADAM
3 NINJAS: HIGH NOON ON MAGIC MOUNTAIN
AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION
AMITYVILLE 3-D
AMERICAN KICKBOXER 1 (!)
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13
BOUNTY HUNTERS 2: HARDBALL
BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
CHINESE SUPER NINJAS 2
DEATH WISH 3
FIREBALL 500
THE FIVE MAN ARMY
FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE
HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK
LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE
THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS
MILANO CALIBRO 9
MURDER AT 1600
ONE DOWN TWO TO GO
ONE CRAZY SUMMER
ONE MAN FORCE
PIRANHA PART TWO: THE SPAWNING
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND
THREE O'CLOCK HIGH
THREE THE HARD WAY
TREKKIES 2
U.S. SEALS II: THE ULTIMATE FORCE
WILD GEESE II
WILD THINGS 3

The most films in any one 24-hour period:
14, when I attended Northwestern University's annual B-Fest January 28-29

Same title, but different movies:
THE LONGEST YARD (1974 & 2005)

Shitty Steven Seagal movies:
SUBMERGED
INTO THE SUN

Kickass Steven Seagal movies:
OUT FOR JUSTICE

2005 Releases:
WHITE NOISE
INTO THE SUN
WILD THINGS 3
SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK
ONG-BAK
SIN CITY
LOCUSTS
UNLEASHED
THE LONGEST YARD
SUBMERGED
DIRECT ACTION
BE COOL
LAND OF THE DEAD
BATMAN BEGINS
HOSTAGE
TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY
SAHARA
MAYDAY
MINDHUNTERS
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD

Above-Average 2005 Releases:
ONG-BAK
SIN CITY
LAND OF THE DEAD
BATMAN BEGINS
HOSTAGE
SAHARA

How many movies did you watch this year?

From The Bad Photo Archives

Fonzie fights The Syndicate! That's the kind of plot you don't see in sitcoms today. I don't really like HAPPY DAYS very much now, but I watched it a lot when I was a kid (mainly when it was in weekday morning reruns on ABC during the summer). I probably saw this episode somewhere along the line, which appears, from the photo in the ad, to guest-star Harvey Lembeck.

The episode my brother and I always looked forward to seeing was the demolition derby three-parter. Epic in scope (it ran 90 minutes and was partially filmed in location), it pitted the Fonz (Henry Winkler) and his tough-talking gal pal Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly) against the menacing Malachi brothers, whose signature move in the demolition derby arena was the deadly Malachi Crunch. The first episode ends on a cliffhanger with those bastard Malachis trying to sabotage Pinky's car. The stakes were higher after the second episode, which found Pinky seriously injured after a cheap shot by the Malachis. In the third part, Fonzie kicks some major Malachi Brother Ass and books to the hospital, where he proposes marriage to Pinky. By the end of the show, however, Fonzie has already pussed out and broken up with her, because--ayyyyyyy!--the Fonz has to be free.

Comedy, drama, action, tragedy, heroics--hey, what more could you ask for in a sitcom?

WELCOME BACK, KOTTER was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but, man, it is terrible. I tried to watch it a few times when it was running on TV Land and could barely get through it. It's interesting to watch for the Travolta factor; he's horrible as Vinnie Barbarino and I can't imagine how he got cast in SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. What's amazing is that he's very good in SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. All of the actors playing the Sweathogs look like they're around 30, and Gabriel Kaplan barely seems to be acting at all (much of his dialogue appears cribbed from his standup act).

I wonder if Vinnie kicked Big Wheel's ass for stealing his girl the way Fonzie got medieval on those damned Malachis.

Low-Kicking High-Kicking Double Feature
A dwarf flying over the jungle with a jet pack strapped to his back. Topless women playing tennis in slow motion. A kung-fu brawl against a charging bull. Whenever you think you’ve seen everything film can offer, something like Mondo Macabro’s new DVD release of FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY and CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER comes along, leaving you with your mouth open and your faith in humanity restored.

It’s a sure bet you haven’t seen anything like FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY. Produced in the Philippines, this action-packed thriller is fairly routine in every regard except one, but it boasts one heck of a ringer. Playing the leading role of Agent 00 is Weng Weng, a 2’9” dynamo completely devoid of acting ability, although I challenge you to take your eyes off of him. Armed with an array of crime-busting gadgets (including x-ray specs!) that would make the head of Q Branch fall down laughing, Agent 00 challenges 007 in the spying and loving departments, bouncing around Manila in search of a scientist named Dr. Von Kohler who has created a powerful new bomb. Von Kohler has fallen into the clutches of an international crime syndicate led by the mysteriously unseen Mr. Giant, who unleashes a never-ending barrage of beret-wearing flunkies with bull’s-eyes painted on their chests to assassinate the Mighty Mite.

Let’s face it — it may not be politically correct, but a pint-sized, kung-fu kicking superspy is entertaining. In the hands of Weng Weng, armed with a bizarre hairline and an eye-burning array of white leisure suits, FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY comes to life in ways nobody could imagine. You really can’t call yourself a well-rounded film fan until you’ve seen Weng Weng kicking ass and taking names, using his powerful kung fu to smash the testicles of his enemies. Whether he’s using his mighty midget mojo to sex up hot Filipinas or mowing down dozens of henchmen with his deadly trick pistola, Weng Weng makes Sean Connery and Steve McQueen, in their primes, look like pantywaists. Let me put it this way. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who have experienced the awe and mystery of Weng Weng and those who have not. You don’t want to be someone who has not.

As if one insane Asian action movie isn’t enough, Mondo Macabro tests our endurance by including a second feature, Hong Kong’s CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER. Directed by Bruce Le, this romp is set in Spain, Hong Kong and Macao, and stars Le and American-born Richard Harrison as globetrotting CIA agents Wong Leung and Richard Cannon. Assigned to retrieve a stolen serum that can cause mass sterility in the world’s male population, the two men attack their assignment doing what they do best. For Le, that means showing off his sweet kung fu skills, taking on opponents that include ubiquitous Chinese actor Bolo Yeung (BLOODSPORT), former pepla muscleman Brad Harris and an angry bull, which Le dispatches with an homage to Sonny Chiba’s THE STREET FIGHTER.

Meanwhile, Harrison’s specialty appears to be taking off his shirt and flexing his mustache. Director Le introduces him in an amazing scene that finds Cannon lounging around his estate, surrounded by beautiful nude women who swim, shower and even play tennis… in slow motion. Cannon’s lovemaking prowess makes James Bond look like Jughead Jones. And if all this isn’t crazy enough, look for Jack Klugman in a silent cameo that’s so bewildering, I’d be willing to bet that to this day, he has no idea he’s even in the movie.

FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY and CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER are silly, no doubt about it. But you have to admire their unpredictability and willingness to present material this absurd. Both movies will quite likely give your DVD remote’s rewind button a major workout as you think to yourself, “Did I just see what I think I saw?” If you think you saw a disco-dancing dwarf in a karate fight with a bunch of drunks, the answer is, “Hell yes, and you want to see it again.”

A Big Party Up At Erik Estrada's House
Now Playing: NEW YEAR'S EVIL
Want to kick off the new year with a serial killer, Pinky Tuscadero and lots of shitty new wave music? Thanks to the badasses at Cannon, namely Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, you can.

NEW YEAR'S EVIL is a slasher movie about Blaze (Roz Kelly), a remarkably talentless (even though the movie claims otherwise) host of a network New Year's Eve special that's counting down to midnight in all four U.S. timezones while kids dance to punk and New Wave bands in the studio. Just before the ball drops in New York (the movie is set in El Lay), Blaze receives an on-air phone call from "Evil" (Kip Niven), telling her that he plans to kill someone close to her at the stroke of 12 in every timezone. The movie is so poor that this never happens; in fact, except for his first pre-call murder, Blaze knows none of his victims.

Director Emmett Alston, who later made the memorable George Kennedy/Bigfoot/space zombie opus DEMONWARP, attempts a red herring by having Blaze's teenage son Derek (a lousy performance by the amazingly-still-working Grant Cramer) act strangely and even wander around backstage wearing a red stocking and dark glasses on his head. Why, I don't know, because the killer's identity is no mystery, and a late twist will surprise no one.

Alston even fouls up the killings, staging them off-screen with precious little gore. Evil is one of cinema's lucky serial killers; either that or he's a master planner, because everything seems to go his way. He's aided by several stupid cops, and his first attack is predicated on knowing that his victim, a nurse, will unquestionably follow a complete stranger into a back room and have sex with him.

Roz Kelly was an odd choice to play the Final Girl in a slasher movie. She was almost 40 and not exactly blessed with ingenue looks. Her claim to fame was playing Fonzie's tough-chick ladyfriend Pinky Tuscadero in a handful of HAPPY DAYS episodes. Kip Niven had been around too; he may have been a Universal contract player for awhile, and he also appeared with Robert Urich and David Soul as vigilante cops in the Clint Eastwood thriller MAGNUM FORCE. You'll also see Taaffe O'Connell, next seen being raped by a slimy space worm in GALAXY OF TERROR, and a young and boobular Teri Copley, who went on to star in a couple of sitcoms and bounce around in some BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS competitions.

Cannon released NEW YEAR'S EVIL near the end of 1980. There's no telling whether anyone went to see it, although it does have a pretty good trailer that plays up the murder-per-timezone gimmick and shows the killer wearing a scary-looking Stan Laurel mask, something he barely does in the film.

Niven lures one of his victims out of a crowded bar by telling her he's going to "a big party up at Erik Estrada's house". Awesome!

I Hope It Was A Good One
Did everyone have a nice Christmas Day? Mine was...okay, I guess. I'm beginning to wonder whether Christmas is just for little kids. Or maybe I've just lost my Christmas spirit, I don't know. I don't even bother to put up a tree anymore. It seems like a lot of work just for me to look at. I still have the habit of hanging the Christmas cards I receive on the doorframe, so there is some semblance of holiday spirit in my place.

I didn't have a bad holiday, it just seems...I don't know...not so special. I spent the weekend with my dad, my brother, his wife, and his wife's family at my brother's house near St. Louis. Most of my time was spent eating or watching football, and while it was nice to just hang out and not worry about going to work or checking email or updating a blog or moderating Mobius Home Video Forum for a few days, eh, well, it still doesn't seem very special to me. I'm not sure I can really explain it, and I'm not sure how I can shake this feeling by next year.

Things are quiet back at work, as they usually are this time of year. I'd say at least half of my department takes the whole post-Christmas week off, meaning not only is it really quiet around here, but it's difficult to work on some projects because other people who need to provide you with pertinent information or to approve your work are not in the office. I actually have a few things I can work on this week, so the near-empty office shouldn't affect me very much.

Got back in time last night to head to Chicken's to watch the 555th and final episode of MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL on ABC. NFL games will continue next season on Monday nights, but over on ESPN (with Al Michaels calling the game), while NBC takes over prime-time duties with a Sunday night game (FOOTBALL NIGHT IN AMERICA) and a pregame show hosted by Bob Costas. ABC recruited former play-by-play man Frank Gifford to appear on the show with Michaels at halftime, but the bigger coup was taping some segments with "Dandy" Don Meredith at his home in New Mexico. It was quite a charge having Meredith ask, "Are you ready for some football?", before the game.

Feel free to post your Christmas stories. I hope you got plenty of loot. I got some cash, a box of kitchen cookware and a Visa gift card this year. Yeah, I only got to unwrap one present this year. But I ate enough ham to make up for it.